Independent Lens

- What is your dream for your life?

- Well, I wanna go to college.

I'll get there.

Somehow.

- My biggest dream I'm really going for is to play college basketball.

- A reason why I'm teaching Navajo language and culture is the fact that we're about to lose it.

- This one girl, she was like, "What are you?"

And I was like, "Human."

And she's like no, what race are you?

I was like, oh, right, that question.

- Culture is what you learn to be Navajo.

What you learned at home, for we are Navajo first.

- Scenes from "The Glittering World," now only on "Independent Lens."

[upbeat music] [wind whooshing] [cloth rustling] [quiet orchestration] [thunder rumbling] [stirring orchestration] - So probably like for someone who hasn't been on the Rez before, um... it's meant to be, like, quiet, 'cause... 'Cause, um...it's kinda weird like not having like... like, car crash sounds and stuff like that and people honking and neighbors yelling and, um, it's, like, really quiet.

I think of my friend, she just goes, "Why does--why does... why does it take you four hours to get to the store?"

and--hey!

[dogs barking, whining] PETA, don't come at me.

But...

I told her, "Well, it's 'cause the store's, like, two hours away," so...there's that.

I guess, like, some of the major differences are that there aren't many people with water, and sometimes their electricity goes out, and, like, some people don't even have electricity.

Boy!

[dogs whining] And if you go, like, on, like, specific rock formations that are, like, really high and stuff, you can see like, um... [dogs barking] um... like, a certain, like, mountain range.

Hey!

- [coughing] [humming] - Lord have mercy.

Hey!

Lord have mercy.

- Hey, Zach.

Zach!

- Oh-- - What?

Oh!

[laughs] [laughter] I won't fit.

My mom's side of the family is all smart and they know a lotta stuff.

My dad's side of the family is all full of sports and... we had a couple of people who went to college to play sports, and so it's a big choice.

But I wanna get a basketball scholarship.

My biggest dream I'm really going for is to play college basketball.

And hopefully, that could get me somewhere.

[motor stuttering] - [exhales] It's not starting, Grandpa.

[quiet music] On "Fortnite," you can basically control anything you want inside of the game.

You can make your own map, you can... pick your own skin.

You can build anything on "Fortnite."

You can make it look like New York, Times Square, anything like that.

[soft music] Right there was a pickaxe kill.

I think that's, like, the worst kill ever, doing that to a bunch of people that have high-end gaming PCs that are over, like, four grand.

I'm out here on the reservation with bad internet.

I can still pickaxe them and kill them and win against 'em.

I don't know, that's-- maybe that's a big reason why I enjoy playing "Fortnite."

[leaves rustling] [expansive orchestration] [kids yelling, shouting] [expansive music continues] - Ooh!

[indistinct chatter] [phone rings] - [speaking Navajo] Hey.

Do this one.

- Read it?

- Read it.

[speaking Navajo] - [reading in Navajo] - [reading in Navajo] - [continues reading] - Uh, do the [indistinct].

- [reading in Navajo] Yeah, these-- these three are clans.

- Mm.

- These three.

So that was probably why you couldn't find the definition.

- Those are just clans.

- Yeah.

- Today is Valentine's Day, February 14, 2019.

[scattered laughs] Whoo!

- I know.

- Okay, two.

- Ooh, shucks.

- Ah...ah!

Two, three, four... - Ooh...ooh... - Ooh!

- Aw, man!

- Okay.

For Valentine's Day... - What?

[both giggling] - I mean, I don't have a valentine.

- Obviously.

- Mm-hmm.

- So... nothing happened on Valentine's Day.

- Loneliness.

- Oh, right, okay, so, um...

I went to a 99-cent store this one time, right?

And I got, like, um, a bag of, like, Kisses.

I went up to random people, mostly girls, and, um, I was like, "Hey, do you want a Kiss?"

and this one girl almost punched me in the face for it.

I was like, "No, no, no, no," and I pulled out the bag of candy.

She goes, "Oh, yeah.

No."

Almost got punched in the face.

- [clears throat] All right.

All right, Noah.

So you're getting excited about graduation then?

Rounding the corner here.

You're losing one participation point a week, it seems like.

[robot whirring] So what's going on?

- Missing too many days.

- Missing days.

Definitely, that hurts.

You need to get your rest, and you need to get into school.

Um--[laughs].

How do you feel about his graduation?

Pretty good?

- [coughs] - Get him graduated and finished?

[water splashing] - Paul.

- Hmm?

- Would you bunny hop over that?

That little creek?

- Yeah.

Chh.

Yeah.

- What about down this?

- Nope.

- Why?

- Break my bike.

Oh!

- [laughs] Dude!

- So slippery.

- Yeah.

You think you'll be good enough to be a streamer playing "Fortnite"?

Uploading it to YouTube.

Maybe someday it'll be like that.

- Maybe someday.

[sheep lowing] - Dude.

I kinda need this open.

[sheep continue lowing] I can see you, you know!

- Boy!

So I usually draw when I'm particularly sad and stuff like that.

The main character for the comic I been really wanting to make-- Mavis Begay, 'cause Begay's a really common Navajo name-- I wanted to include, like, you know, mostly, like, the culture, you know, the celebrations that we do and the lang-- mainly the language.

That's kinda what I wanna do, like, make comics or something, but, uh, kinda terrible at it.

- The one time between the legs and then go off again.

Do free throws, rebound, block out, put it back up, layup.

Use your backboard.

Use your backboard.

Put it back up.

Put it back up.

Don't give up on it.

Every missed shot counts, so you gotta get your rebound.

- For we are Navajo first... [speaking Navajo] Respect yourself, who you are, where you come from.

Your belief-- very, very, very important.

Culture is what you learn to be Navajo, what you learned at home.

So we're gonna learn about Navajo culture as far as putting food on the table.

Your parents were raised, your grandpa was raised for survival.

They used every little bit of the livestock, down to the hide.

The way I'm gonna be butchering today might not be how your elderlies, how your mom, how your dad does it at home.

Improvise and expand from what you have.

Stand on this side right here.

[indistinct].

Okay, grab it right here this way, 'cause I'm gonna be cutting right here.

[giggling] You'll get in trouble, how you put the head down.

Grandma's gonna get mad at you if you put the head down like this on the table.

[speaking Navajo] Even though the sheep is dead, Grandma still respects the head, the part of the mutton.

- The reason why I'm teaching Navajo language and culture is the fact that, uh, we're about to lose it.

We're at the very end of this trail, what I like to call it, and, uh... it's been prophesied, and our elders have been talking about it.

Way back ever since I was a kid, I heard about it.

If we lose our culture, our language, we lose everything.

And it goes on to say that might be the end of the world for us as far as Native American goes.

Even though we're out in Navajo Mountain where it's really isolated, at the very end of the Navajo Nation borderline, about 90--95% of students don't even know how to talk Navajo.

So that was really surprising, so that is my job-- to get the culture and the language goin' again.

And I think that's one of the reasons behind losing our culture and our language which is technology took our kids away from us.

[game music plays] - I spent, like, at least... at least 400 on Fortnite.

[game sounds] My grandparents, they always been there for me.

They always put time aside for all of us.

I consider them more as parents than my regular parents.

My grandpa, he gets mad at me for, like, always playing on the game and on my phone.

He told me that he misses the old us.

[quiet music] This is a drawing I did 'cause my grandpa really wanted a Husky.

My parents, they're both alcoholics, and...

I don't know, just started drawing because... they would just go out and do whatever they want and come back and yell at us for no reason.

[melancholy music] [sheep bleating] - So, yeah, this is, uh... the drawing I was-- I'm going-- I don't know if I am, but if I do, I might enter to the...

Mental Health Awareness contest.

I learned a pretty long time ago that the art doesn't have to look good just as long as it has meaning.

So, Picasso, what are you doing?

This is, um, social anxiety, at least the best way I could depict it... stuff that she thinks they're saying, but, really, they're not.

[laughs] At least I hope, so, yeah, that's, um... Basically most of my thoughts whenever I walk down a hall, so--[laughs] That's fun.

- Can I have one more?

- So I think being part of the LGBTQ community is gonna be hard.

I don't know, I think it's a lot harder, especially with not know-- when not really knowing where you stand or what you are, so it's just really fun.

I don't know.

In a rural, rural area, it's a bit harder to come out and stuff like that.

Especially, it, um... Contradicts your beliefs, like, your family's beliefs, so, yeah.

I think it'll be a lot harder to come out 'cause, yeah, you literally have nowhere to go.

Like, look, just literally just mountains and desert.

Just--bleh!

But my dad just says-- he's okay with it.

He doesn't really care, he just doesn't think it's natural.

And...

I'm not entirely sure about my grandma, either, 'cause, um, when it appears in the news-- that's the word I'm looking for-- she'll just go like, "Eww," or like she's scared or something.

So that just makes me feel better.

- [giggling] - Nene.

- You're gonna miss it.

- Why am I doing this again?

- [giggling] [indistinct chatter] - We're gonna be talking about big differences between living off of the reservation and living on the reservation or subtle differences.

And we're going to listen to Evan's idea.

- Um, less gay people.

- You think that's true?

- Hopefully.

[laughter] - Hopefully?

Okay.

Well, there's some personal views coming through.

Do you think there's more of a tendency here to not be open about that, and maybe there are more people that we don't realize because it's not really acceptable to talk about it or be open about it?

- I don't know.

- Is that possible?

- I'm not sure.

- You're not sure.

Okay.

Interesting.

I hadn't heard that one before.

All right.

How many of you have been without running water before?

How do you feel about running water?

- Still have no water - Still have none.

- You still have none?

Granite, what's your difference you're thinking of?

- Um, electricity.

- Electricity.

What's different?

- Um, some--most of us don't have electricity.

- Okay.

You have a generator or anything or just no electrical system at all?

- Yeah... [laughter] - Okay.

Would you explain it in other words than "yeah"?

- No.

- I don't want you to just answer my questions yes or no.

[laughter] You have to share your own thoughts and insights-- you brought it up.

One sentence-- what's the biggest difference in electricity?

- I don't know.

[insects chirping] [dog barks distantly] - You're not hungry?

- The reason I'm struggling is, like, mm, I don't really pay attention.

I just keep slacking off.

I've been playing basketball ever since second grade.

Basketball, like, really gets things outta my mind when I'm frustrated.

Things that frustrate me is, um, school, family, and... just people that I really care about 'cause I don't want them to leave.

My little brother, he passed away, and...

I don't know, I'm just not really fully controlled when I think about him.

[soft, moody music] [animal howling] - Left, left, left, keep going, keep going.

Don't stop.

Keep going, keep going, keep going.

You can use your right if you want to.

Keep going, keep going.

Don't give up.

Keep going.

Keep going, keep going, don't give up.

Don't give up.

Ahh.

[speaking Navajo] Just to inform you that our season's over.

We don't have enough people to come out to practice.

Always the two of you constantly here, so...

I gotta have at least five players in order to make a team to learn all the plays, the drills, and everything else that goes into practice.

So as far as I'm concerned, our season's over.

And maybe next fall we'll have a better turnout than what we've been having this year, so...

I just wanted to inform you on that.

I have to do it as a coach, but I'm sorry the season's over.

Do you agree with that?

Okay.

[speaking Navajo] - I am trying to be as positive as I can with Granite, but I wonder if he's failing on purpose.

Is that possible?

- Honestly, if he doesn't improve, it looks like you'll be dealing with him for another three years here, but... - I'm happy to do so, honestly.

- I already warned him that if he's not gonna pick it up here then I'm gonna have to change everything.

- It's the most helpless feeling in the world, sometimes, being a parent--I know.

Um, and I'm sorry.

- He has his days, um... - Yeah.

- You know, he thinks about his brother a lot.

- Does he?

Did he lose a brother, or-- - Yes.

- I didn't know that.

- Yes.

- Older or younger brother?

- Five.

- Five years old?

- Yeah.

- I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry for you, too, not just for Granite, of course.

- Just don't know, We're trying to figure things out, but it's hard.

Granite loved his brother so much, and... it affected Granite in a lot of ways, um...

Sometimes he just... he just doesn't wanna do anything.

One thing Granite always did was play basketball with his brother.

You know, I just don't want him to give up on something that he loved, and, so-- We carry him with us wherever we go.

[sniffles] In the Navajo way, they always tell us before the sun rises, you have your chance to talk to those that are gone.

So usually, we're up before the sun and we do a lot of praying, and we just ask for my son to be with us.

[soft music] - [speaking Navajo] - [speaking Navajo] - [speaking Navajo] - My parents weren't really there.

They were always-- they were always working, especially my dad.

He was always working out there doing construction work and everything.

He was never home, he would only come home like, on the weekends, but...

I would just cry for him, 'cause I was a little kid, never got to see him before.

It was good and everything, but ever since they had the divorce, I don't know--he changed.

He would get mad at me for nothing or...

He would just tell me to, like, I don't know, go kill myself or something.

[saw revving] [tree cracking] - Whoa!

Ohh, damn.

- Noah, your grandma and grandpa, they're telling me that you're struggling in school.

What's going on?

How's your dad doing?

Is everything going good between you and him?

- I don't know, he's been... kinda stressed out, and then he takes it out on us.

Sometimes I don't like seeing my dad stressed out, seeing him just in his office just... sad, his head down, and then, um, try to ask him what's wrong, but... - Whoa!

[moody music] - Noah's my son, and... he's quiet and... kinda like me.

I know he has stuff to do, and I don't really bother him when he's in school and he doesn't really bother me at work, so... Not with my--my ex anymore, so kinda separated, so the kids are separated.

They're old enough to understand who their mom is and who their dad is.

Noah's quiet like me.

I see him through me sometime.

And I tell him, I say Navajo life is hard.

You can't be a kid.

You have to grow up faster than what is expected.

You gotta prove yourself to people, then they know your value, then you know what you're worth, then people respect you and treat you right.

[quiet music] [indistinct chatter] - [laughing] Hi.

- [laughing] Ow!

Gimme one too.

- I'm gonna give you a big one.

I'm gonna sit down 'cause my legs are-- - Oh, [bleep].

- No.

- Shoot, I mean.

Where'd you get this one out of all of them?

- [muffled] I found it on literally the highest one [indistinct] the other one.

- [muffled] That was a good one.

The good ones are really good.

- The good ones?

- The ones--the little ones are way up there, and they're good.

[background chatter] And there.

Feel this part.

- Yo!

Ooh!

- Remember I broke my wrist?

- I got a sun burn!

Look.

- Aw, right there?

Eew!

Ha ha.

- I'm scratchy.

- Here!

[thump] CJ!

- You know who you remind me of?

You remind me of this one dude used to send me memes.

- Eww.

Out.

- Um... Cyrus!

Yeah?

- Oh, Cyrus O'Martin?

- Are we going now?

Okay.

Well, see ya.

- You mean Cyrus O'Martin?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

- That dude.

- Okay.

I'll see you later.

- See you.

- For me, to be Indigenous is to have an intimate and interconnected relationship through a homeland.

And so that's really important, because land is, you know, tied to every aspect of who we are.

Imagine a pizza with different slices and let's say 32 slices.

Of the 32 slices, I'm 28th Apache.

That's my particular blood quantum.

And Native Americans in the US are the only minority group who have to prove their Nativeness on an Indian card.

If it were up to the American government, Natives wouldn't be around, because after a certain time, that blood will dilute, and if we're not obligated to meet these treaty contracts, then the land is available, the resources are available.

[click] - Yeah, so growing up in Vegas, I'm, uh... - [humming] - I'd say, um...

I don't wanna say I'm more of anything, 'cause that's sorta stupid.

I've actually had questions too.

Move your big head.

This one girl, she was like, um, she was like, she was like, "What are you?"

and I was like, "Um, human."

And she's like, "No, what race are you?"

I was like, oh, right.

That question.

And I had to explain to her that I was Navajo and Cambodian.

She didn't know what Cambodian was, so I had to explain that.

There's... like a lot of stuff, um, people in general don't, like, understand about Navajos and Native Americans in general.

Like, this one kid, uh, he didn't even know what the Navajo people were, and I had to explain to him it's a Native American tribe.

And he was like, "Oh, so you guys sleep in teepees, right?"

I was like, no, you stupid!

I didn't say that, though.

I didn't say it.

So I think I'd like to be represented as, you know, not red, not having a feather in my hair.

The media, they don't really... first of all, they don't portray us at all, so when I see, like, other people like talk about, like, "Oh, we don't get represented enough in media," I was like, we don't even get represented at all.

Literally, all we got is Victor!

That's it.

That's all we got.

It feels a lot nicer being out here and stuff like that.

- Yeah.

When we were growing up, we used to only talk Navajo.

Barely English.

- I know you went to like a boarding school up in-- was it Salt Lake, right?

- Yeah, in Salt Lake and Flagstaff and Kayenta.

- Mm.

- When somebody speaks Navajo, just one little word, and they come and they say, "Go to the office."

Then they ask you why you're in the office, and what did you do?

- Mm-hmm.

- And you say, "Just said one little word of Navajo," they open the drawer and they take out a bar of soap and they hand it over to you.

"Put it in your mouth.

Chew on it."

- Eww.

- Next time, remember, no speaking Navajo.

That was the punishment that they used to give us.

Well, it's really sad when you think about it when the kids have to try and speak Navajo again when all these years people tried to let us forget our Native language.

- Do you, like, know anything-- 'cause I know my mom talked about it and stuff like that.

She said, um, something in Navajo and there's, like, um, people called, like, two-spirited and all that?

And they were, like, considered sacred and stuff?

I know that's not, like, the actual word or anything like that, but because of, you know, colonization and stuff, like, the actual words and the meanings were, you know, erased, and not a lot of people talk about it, but-- - Uh-huh.

- Like, I guess there wasn't, like, an explanation for, you know, like, gay and transgender people and all that.

- Uh-huh.

- So in Navajo and other Indigenous cultures, they just called them two-spirited people 'cause, you know, man, woman, and all that.

- Oh, yeah.

It was a hush, hush.

Nobody talked about it until a certain generation that started showing up.

- 'Cause I'm not talking about anyone specific, so... like, what are your thoughts, like, on... - People are gifted in certain ways.

It could be like a gift for them that they're like that.

But, um, you know, just hang in there and live your life the way you want to live your life.

Nobody's criticizing you.

Nobody's against you about it.

You know, everybody still loves you.

Family is family, so no matter what they're going through, the families are the ones that are in it with them.

They're not in it by themself.

Mm-hmm.

- Fur got in my eye.

[laughs] - That's what I probably would say.

- Fur got in my eye.

[laughs] - They are still loved.

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

[both giggling] - I used to stress a lot.

You guys know that.

I ended up in the hospital and I had anxiety attack because I couldn't take all the stuff that was happening to me.

But this is where I regrouped and made me rethink about what I have and stop worrying about what I could've had.

Sometimes you made me feel like I wasn't anything to anybody, but... there was times where I didn't fully understand what you were going through where you couldn't see your own kids or your kids weren't here after you left.

Things are meant to be the way they turn out, and you just gotta...

Accept it, no matter what.

It's just the way life is.

I forgive all the things you said that hurt me, but... We get through everything as a family.

- There's no class or anything that prepares you for this-- you just go through it.

You weren't meant to go through it.

I wasn't meant to go through it, but we did, but we come out stronger and better family.

[wind howling softly, leaves rustling] - My father once told me when somebody passes, you should not be crying.

You're...you're just gonna, um... make them feel bad for leaving.

But Granite loved his brother so much, and the day we lost him, it just...

I guess you could say it ate him.

It eats him every day.

- And this was... [sniffles] the day before he left.

This was his birthday.

[sniffles] - Put that away.

- Hey, Granite, have a seat.

Okay, son, you turn 15 Monday.

- Yes.

- Yes.

- Every year, it seems like it gets harder providing for you, but we do our best.

You're our first child.

Later in life, you're gonna realize that it's not always about a big birthday party or presents or receiving money on your day.

It's something more... valuable, more precious than that.

Dad and I, we always do what we can for you guys.

It's not much, but it's something.

We love you.

- In the name of Jesus.

[speaking Navajo] Amen.

- Amen.

- Amen.

all: Happy birthday, dear Granite Happy birthday To you - What college do you think you wanna go to, or, like-- - Hmm?

- College.

- Okay.

- I'm good at nothing, remember?

- Shut up.

You know with that attitude, that attitude's gonna get you nowhere.

Yes.

Look at my deadbeat dad living with his mom, his grandma, just laying around, not even helping.

Well, I wanna go to college.

- Oh.

Where you going to college at?

- I really don't know yet.

I'm still looking in.

Mm, I just wanna, like...

Prove to people who thought I was gonna be like my mom and my dad.

And I know I can do it, but sometimes I kinda feel lazy to do anything.

But I'll, well, I'll get there.

Somehow.

Some way.

[soft music] [insects chirping] - What is the American dream?

Define it.

What is it?

Ilii, would you just share your single sentence with us, please?

- Well, the American dream varies from person to person, but one that I see a lot is wanting their families to be safe.

- Okay.

- Um, the American dream is us having our own rights.

- Okay, Excellent.

What would be the most important of those rights, do you think, to you?

- Um...I don't know.

- Remember early in our country, a lot of people were coming to the United States because they were actually able to own what here?

- Land.

- To own land, and that's not true of every place.

A lot of Europeans, they weren't actually allowed to own their own land.

What can you do for yourself if you own a piece of land?

You can farm it, and you can make money and profit off of that farm, can't you?

What is your dream for your life?

Where do you wanna be, who do you wanna be, what do you want to be?

What would be the coolest life to live?

- How am I going to know who I am as a Din person?

When you really think about it, it's like it's not too long ago where the Din people were taken to Fort Sumner.

Or when I was living in Albuquerque, that place is not too far from there.

So when I crossed the Rio Grande I was thinking, how on earth did our people walk across this when the river is high?

No wonder some of them drowned.

They say a land never forgets, you know?

It knows your footprints.

It knows your teardrops.

It knows your sweat.

It knows your pain.

And it can also heal you.

[wind howling softly] [bird calling] [chatter] [laughter] - Ha ha ho!

- Paul.

- Huh?

- When'd your voice change?

- [laughing] Like a couple months ago.

- You sound like a girl.

- Yep.

- Now you're a man-boy.

- Yep, I'm a man-boy.

- Your dad calls you that, man-boy?

- Yep, man-boy.

Man-boy.

What are you gonna do after high school, Noah?

- Uh... probably go to work.

- How do you say... dog in Navajo?

- [murmurs] - [speaking Navajo] It's the only thing that Nana says.

[speaking Navajo] - Huh?

- [speaking Navajo] Hey.

Yeah, anyway, so this cringey drawing won the art contest.

No idea how or why, but it did.

I'm hoping over the summer I would like hopeally-- "Hopeally."

Hopefully... improve my drawings and all that.

- I stopped playing Fortnite and I just don't really go on no more.

I just been going outside more and doing my work that needs to be done.

[remote vehicle whirring] - What are you doing, Paul?

- Nothing.

- Get outta here.

- Man, okay.

- Get outta here.

I'm here trying to do my work.

You know how Grandma and Grandpa is, struggling, trying to... pay for all of us, Mylie, Jordan, me, you.

Whatever money I make, give some to... Grandma and Grandpa, 'cause they helped us out.

How are you supposed to provide for the family if you-- if you're not gonna make it through high school?

Wanna place a bet?

- Yeah.

- That if I graduate, you gotta go through high school and do the same?

- I'll make that bet.

- Other than that, I get to slap your big head.

- [laughing] [both laughing] [light music] - I present to you the graduating class of 2019, Navajo Mountain High School.

[cheers and applause] - Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

[pop] [uplifting music] - [humming] [dogs barking] - Ah.

Oh, yeah, the other customer.

Just knock that one over.

They'll believe it.

[laughing] That is so extra!

Bro.

- Oh, I got the whole Begay!

- Hey, remember when we played Freddy Krueger in that wash?

- Yeah.

Was it Freddy Krueger?

- Yeah.

- Um, and I remember, um, we would wake up in the morning, go to each other's houses and then be back at home at sundown.

- Yeah.

Actually, my life was pretty great when I was smaller.

- Like spoiled?

- Yeah, heck, yeah.

Like spoiled spoiled.

- Yeah, that'd be nice.

I remember I used to really hate my mom and dad.

Like I didn't like-- every time when I returned back from school, I would, like... go back home and I'd be like, "Oh, my God," like, aw, shucks, here we go again-- more yelling.

- Aw, [bleep], here we go again.

- [laughs] I remember when we were younger, my mom, she would read us books and day by day, she kinda stopped, and they both went to drinking more.

And...for me, no one really helped us.

- Yeah, no one helped.

Well... there's people there, but... - Oh, yeah, like my-- like Crystal.

- People came by once in a while.

- Yeah, but most of the time, it's-- - It's just your family's there for you.

- Yeah.

- Because it just comes back to your mind, and you think what happened that night or day.

- Yeah.

And then you're like, oh, my goodness, and then you start like thinking about it more.

- And then you break down.

- And then, yeah, you go into this like state of mind where you're like, "Oh, shoot," and stuff like that, and then you-- - And then you start thinking it's your fault.

- Yeah, that, and you put guilt on yourself.

- Yeah.

- You're like, yeah, man, it was my fault, and then you end up doing these stupid things like... yeah.

- So all you gotta do, when something tragic happens, is just live with it.

[light music] This year, I'm taking things serious now.

I know I said that last year.

- I know.

You didn't.

- I know.

I was goofing around.

- I was looking at you giving-- you with that bruh face and stuff like that.

- [laughs] - Dude, what the heck?

Like... - No one told me to stop or anything, except my mom, but... - [laughs] - But, you know... You know me.

I don't listen.

- Yeah, you don't.

- I know.

I know why too.

[both laughing] Try and keep up with me.

[light music]