University Place

cc >> One night in 1917, UW physics professor Earle M. Terry hosted a party. He treated his guests to the first scheduled audio broadcast from radio station 9XM. But not many of them could see the point. Why bother with radio, they said, when you could hear the same piece of music on the living room phonograph? Before long, though, they were gathered around the glow of their radios as 9XM, rechristened WHA, fulfilling the Wisconsin Idea, taught them how to make music, how to paint, and how to stretch their imaginations when they entered the Theater of the Mind that was radio drama. From studios bustling with activity, they heard Willard Waterman, who would become the Great Gildersleeve, Harry Elders, who went on to become a host and star in Curtain Time and the First Nighter. And also a young actor named Karl Schmidt, who, more than 70 years later, is still going strong on Chapter A Day. And the tradition continues as the 9XM Players step into the picture to bring you tonight's entertainment. And now, from Music Hall on the UW-Madison campus, the 9XM Players bring you two plays with a light supernatural touch.

applause

The inspiration for our first play came from a short story by Lord Dunsany and passed through many hands before it became a 1944 film and was also on Lux Radio Theater that same year. On October 9, 1946, it turned up on Academy Award Theater on the radio. We've dusted that script off and shined it up, and we bring it to you as the first of our two offerings on this occasion. And now, the 9XM Players in It Happened Tomorrow. >> This is the story of something that couldn't happen, but did. It happened to a nice guy who was young and carefree. His name was Larry and he was a newspaper reporter. >> Nobody believes my story and I don't care if they don't, all's I know is it happened to me. It happened tomorrow, and I'm still alive to talk about it. It all began one night when we were horsing around in the city room of the newspaper, where I work.

men talking and laughing

>> Careful, Larry. You're not a full-fledged reporter yet. And if Mr. Gordon, sees you drinking beer with the boys, he might change his mind about giving you a break. >> Ah, forget about it, Pop! I'm gonna sleep right now on top of these old newspapers of yours. >> You're lying right on top of 1902. >> Good place to sleep, Pop, on a bed of ancient news. >> You be careful. I've been taking care of these files for sixty years. >> Nothing is as dead as yesterday's newspapers, Pop. >> You've got no imagination. News is what happens. What's the difference whether it happened 50 years ago or tomorrow? >> You mean will happen tomorrow. >> No, time is only an illusion. Here, look here. >> Hm? >> March, 1908, to the people then, this was the future. But suppose we were all living in that day in 1908 and I arrived with this newspapaer.

laughter

I could tell you everything that could happen. >> Ah, bring me the one for the year we're living in now, Pop. You can name your own price. That's what I want, tomorrow's newspaper, how much? >> Oh no, Larry, no. Don't ever ask for a thing like that. >> If I could find where to get tomorrow's paper, I'd give ten years of my life for it. >> How do you know you've got ten years? >> Me? You're kidding, I'm just about ready to sow my first wild oat. >> Well if you're going to sow you're going to sow, we're just about out of beer and we got tickets for the show.

laughter

>> What's playing? >> The great Professor Cigolini, he tells the things of the past, present and future. >> Okay. Comin' along, Pop? >> No, I haven't time. >> Well, goodnight then. See you tomorrow. >> Tomorrow?

sighs

Tomorrow. >> I forgot about Pop and his newspaper tomorrow and went to go see the Professor. He was terrific, but the girl who worked with him the act was tremendous. >> And now my friend, do you know the number that is engraved inside your watch? >> No, Professor. >> Ah, but Miss Sylvia knows. Miss Sylvia, what is the number on the watch? >> 2, 7, 9-- Oh, I can't! I can't! >> You can! You can! I compel you! >> 5, 7, 94. >> Is that correct, sir? >> Yeah, Professor.

laughter

>> I didn't know this number myself!

applause

>> And now ladies and gentlemen, The fabulous-- >> Professor! I have a question It's personal. It concerns a young lady. >> And you want to know if she will have the misfortune to marry you? Is that it?

laughter

>> All I want to know is if she's gonna have lunch with me tomorrow. Will she come? >> Fine. Sylvia! One final question. Can you hear me, Sylvia? The gentleman would like to know, if the girl he loves will have lunch with him tomorrow. >> Yes, she will.

gafaws

>> Ah, well thank you. Miss Sylvia, will younow please tell me-- >> No more questions. Miss Sylvia is in a trance, sir. You will have to speak to that young lady you love herself! >> I'd like to, but she can't hear me! >> You mean the young lady that you love is deaf? >> No, professor, she's in a trance!

laughter

>> And that is the way the girl came into my life. And it won't hurt the story to tell you that she's married to me right now and always will be. Well, I waited for her after the show and in spite of her uncle, I took her home in a cab. After I dropped her off, I was walkin' home in a fog as thick as a good stew. My head was in the clouds anyway so it didn't matter. But then I heard a familiar voice. >> Larry...Larry...Larry! >> Wha? Who is it? Oh, it's you pop! Can't see you very well. What are you doing out so late? >> Didn't I tell you time doesn't exist? I was waiting for you, Larry. >> For me? But I didn't tell you I was coming back. I'm just on my way home. >> So am I. But I wanted to give you this first. >> Hm? Why, it's a copy of the Evening News. I've already read it. >> Maybe not. >> You better go home and sleep it off, Pop. >> I've never felt so well in my life. Good night, Larry. >> Wait, wait. I'll take you home. >> No thanks, my boy. We go different ways. >> Okay. >> Don't lose that paper, my son. Don't lose it. >> I thought he was a little tipsy and I stuffed the paper in the pocket and went home and slept like a rock. But the next morning when I came downstairs at the boarding house, a guy called Joey said-- >> Hey Larry, I'm still looking for a job, can I see your newspaper? >> Yeah, this one's last night's. >> Let's see here. Ah, Larry, I don't mind, it's the ads I'm after. This isn't last night's though, it's today's! >> Ah, no, Joe. Today's evening news hasn't even gone to press yet. Must be last night's. >> What day is today? >> Wednesday. >> But this says Wednesday! >> What's all this? Wednesday. Hey, they must have made a mistake! What do you know, it's going to snow. It says it's going to snow. Well, it didn't snow yesterday, did it? >> Hey, look out the window, it's snowing! Whoever heard of snow in May? >> I don't get it. >> Hey, here's something in the ads. They need a waiter at Beacon and Fifth. Guess I'll get right over there. >> Hey! Wait for me!

footsteps tapping

>> I tell you we don't need any waiters. >> But this paper says-- >> We don't need any waiters, understand? >> Then why waste people's time by putting ads in the paper! >> Probably got the wrong address. >> Now wait a minute, here it is. You said you didn't put an ad in the paper for a waiter? >> No, we did not! I tell you we don't need a new waiter!

dish pieces crunch

>> Get out butterfingers! This is the last dish you'll break here. Hey, Maisie. >> Yes, boss? >> Get your hat on, take a dollar from the till, put an ad in the paper for a waiter right away. Well, what are you staring at me for? >> In the morning paper? >> No, put it in the Evening News. >> No, no! >> What do you want? >> Nothing, nothing. I'm just going down to the evening news myself. >> Mr. Gordon, Mr. Gordon! I've got to find Pop! Something's happened that I don't understand! >> I'll tell you what's going to happen if you're late again! >> Mr. Gordon, who's covering the Melba concert at the Opera House? >> Now don't tell me you want to be a music critic. >> But if something happens there, front page story, the biggest news story of the day, I gotta be there before it happens! >> Are you crazy or drunk? >> Look, I'm going to show you something that's going to change your mind-- >> You're fired! >> You can't fire me! I quit! >> You quit? >> I mean I'll quit tonight if you haven't given me a raise! >> A raise? >> Yes, sir. For the biggest news story of the day! Set up a four column space right now, bandits steal cash at the Opera House while Madam Melba sings! At ten minutes past two!

footsteps

>> I'm here for lunch, Mr. Stevens. But I really came to explain that my uncle is very angry and I won't be able to have lunch with you after all. >> Sylvia come on, we're going to the Melba concert. Something is going to happen at the Opera House. We haven't got much time to get there. Come with me! >> What's going to happen? >> Well, I'll tell you on the way over. It's my big chance!

footsteps

>> Here you are sir, two on the aisle. >> What time is it, please? >> Five past two. Overture has just started, sir. >> Oh, we're late. >> Ah no, we're a few minutes early. Say, I bet you a pair of tickets I can guess how much you've taken in. $3,675. >> Oh, no, you'd lose, my friend. It's $3670 even. >> Oh, I guess I have to buy that pair. How much? >> $2.50 a piece. $5.00. >> Alright, fine. That makes it right! $3,675! Come with me, Sylvia. >> Hey, what goes on around here? How do you know how much? >> Tickets, please. >> We'll stand here. >> That's not permitted, sir. >> Well, uh we're leaving in a few minutes. >> Mr. Stevens I don't want to leave in a few minutes. >> The show will be over. >> You mean Madam Melba...? >> The show isn't on the stage, it's out there in the lobby! >> What's going to happen? >> A holdup. >> What kind of story is that? >> A cab will stop out front and three men will get out and nobody will know who they are. They'll pretend to ask for tickets and then one man take out a pistol and shoot--

gasp

shushs

>> Okay, all right, I'll shhh! You should just wait!

singer hits high note

pistols fire

screams

>> I told you so! I told ya so, it happened! I'm gonna be famous! I know what's gonna happen tomorrow! Well, that's the way it was. Somehow those papers of Pop's kept on getting into my overcoat pocket. Pop hadn't been at the office since the night the whole thing started. But the papers of tomorrow kept on coming up and all I had to do was read them, copy the story out, give it to the city editor, and then go where it happened and phone it in. I got my raises, I got famous, I got my girl, too. But then I got an idea, a brilliant idea. Too brillient.

footsteps

>> Ah, there you are. >> Mr. Gordon, can I get an advance of $100? >> Why certainly, Stevens, of course. >> I have some plans. >> Oh? Not thinking of getting married are you? >> Why not? >> Why, I can't understand why you have to borrow this money. After all, you seem to be able to tell what will happen, before it happens.

Laugher

And if you wanted to you could present your wife with a million dollars!

laughter

>> Yeah? How? >> Mind you, of course I'm not an addict myself, but with your superior endowment, I might be tempted to pick all five winners at the racetrack tomorrow! >> Yeah, of course. What did you say? Hey! Where's Pop, anybody see Pop? I gotta find Pop! I gotta find him!

footsteps

>> Why, Larry, you're still here. Not hanging around waiting for Pop, are ya? >> What if he doesn't show up? >> Well he's been here so long, he's a privileged character. He's got a right to be drunk every once in a while, not often. >> Drunk or sober, he's got to be somewhere. >> If I were you, I'd turn out that light and go home. Goodnight. >> Goodnight.

footsteps

clock chimes

>> Pop? Pop? >> Yes, Larry? >> Oh Pop, I've been hunting high and low for you. Ah, come on don't look at me like that. I didn't thank you because I haven't seen you since. But, I'm not going to ask a lot of questions about how you do it. I'm mixed up in something I don't understand. But look, all I want is just one more paper. Then we'll call it quits. >> No. >> Oh, please, Pop. Please? For the last time, I'll never ask you again! I'll never tell anybody how I got it. I just wanna know what's going to happen tomorrow. >> Won't do you any good, Larry. >> Oh, but it will! It can make me rich! Then I can have anything I want in the world! >> Is it only money that you want in this world? >> Oh, no. I've got everything else! I'm in love! Give me that paper, please? Give it to me, I'll be the happiest guy for the rest of my life. >> Are you sure, Larry? >> Yes, yes! Thank you! Oh thank you for giving it to me! >> You grabbed it. Remember, Larry, I didn't give it to you. >> Come to think of it, he didn't give me the paper. And if I knew what was in that paper-- Well, anyway, I rushed right out to Sylvia and we decided to get married the next morning and spend the afternoon at the racetrack making our fortune. I could hardly sleep a wink the night before and sat up marking the five winners from Pop's paper. Let's see, Lighter in the first. In the second-- Oh boy, oh boy! It's Berta, that's what it is! What's this? What's this? "Larry Stevens, news reporter, shot to death in the lobby at the Saint George Hotel,

at 6

25 today just after the evening news had gone to press.

gasps

at 6

Mr. Larry Stevens, its most valued reporter, sacrificed his life heroically in the line of duty." No. No, no! >> I now pronounce you man and wife, and may God bless your union. Congratulations, Mr. Stevens. I'm glad to see you so seriously married. It's a serious business meant to last a lifetime. >> Thank you, Judge. >> I wish you years of health and happiness, and all your troubles be little ones. That will be five dollars.

laughter

at 6

>> Say, uh, can you draw up a will? >> Your will? >> Yes, sir. I want to leave everything I have to my wife. Kiss me, darling. You may not have me so long.

exaggerated kissing noises

at 6

All right, we better hurry. We have to make the first race. >> Look, my friend, you've won the first three races and now you want to bet this whole $10,000 on Ramona? >> That's right, to win. >> I'm afraid that will have to be an even money bet, mister. >> I can get four to one in another tent. >> You're a good customer. How about three to one? >> Three to one? Okay. >> Why, you'll win $30,000 if Ramona wins. >> Yes, I know. >> Please don't talk like that! >> This is a lot of money to bet on a horse, mister. I can't give you more than two to one on Black Flash. >> Okay. >> $30,000 to win on Black Flash. >> Don't you think you should put at least half that money on some other horse? >> No, no. It's Black Flash. >> Hey, Schep, come here. I've been in this business a long time, but I've never heard of anyone picking four sure things in a row. >> Not without 'em having things fixed. I'm gonna do a little fixing myself, Jake. Diablo's gonna win this time, if he never runs another race.

bell rings

at 6

>> And they're off! It's a go! Black Flash is starting off on the inside. Diablo is coming up. Now, neck and neck, now Black Flash in the lead. Black Flash by a length with Diablo right on his heels, trailing him around the turn.

people shouting

at 6

And here they come around the far turn. Black Flash and Diablo are neck and neck. It's either one, take your pick as they approach the home stretch. 200 yards to go. It's horse against horse, both of them driving. Wait, wait! Diablo surges ahead by a half. Now Diablo leads by a length. Diablo by a length and a half! Diablo is the winner by two lengths! Diablo the winner!

cheers

at 6

>> Darling! Sylvia, darling! The paper was wrong! Oh, brother, it was wrong! I've got a chance to live! >> A chance to live? What are you talking about? >> It says Black Flash wins, and Diabolo just won! Yahoo! >> Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. The judges have the following official announcement to make. In the race which has just been run, number seven, Diabolo has been disqualified! >> No! >> Oh, how wonderful, Larry! It was right all along! $60,000! >> You'll be a wealthy widow, darling. I'm very happy. >> So, the paper said that you'd die today? >> Yes, in the line of duty. Here, you take the bag with my wallet and the $60,000 while I hail a cab. >> Oh, no I'd be afraid to carry that much money. >> Oh no, you keep it. It will be safer. >> I might lose it! >> What about me? Keep it, please. >> No, Larry, you take it. >> No, you take it. >> Somebody has to take it! >> I'll take that bag! >> Yes, you take it-- What? No, no! Hey, no, come back here! Police! Stop that man! Stop, thief! Wait! >> Wait, Larry! He's got a gun! >> Oh, well. Easy come, easy go. At least we don't have to go to the Saint George Hotel. Or do we? >> I don't think we have a chance, dear. It said so in tomorrow's paper. That's where you're supposed to make me a widow. >> Late again, Stevens. I'll give you just one more chance. I've got an assignment for you. I've got a tip that something big is going to break. Wait til I get the address. >> Never mind, Mr. Gordon. I know it. >> What? Where? >> Saint George Hotel. >> Saint George Hotel? No, no, that isn't it. Ah, here it is. The other side of town. >> You mean you're not sending me to the Saint George Hotel? >> No, I'm not. Now get out of here. >> Haha! Ah, you bet! >> Stevens-- >> Yes, Mr. Gordon? >> Changed my mind. Forget that assignment, I've got another. You're going to the Saint George Hotel.

laughter

at 6

>> Oh, what for? >> You can't fool me! When you say something big is going to happen someplace, boy, it happens! >> Me and my big mouth. >> Good luck! I'll start setting up a headline right now! >> Goodbye, Mr. Gordon! Goodbye forever! >> What time is it, darling? >> Twenty after six. >> Five more minutes, five minutes. I wonder how it's going to happen. I wonder if I'll feel the pain. >> Larry, Larry, Larry! There, coming across the lobby, that's the man who stole the money! >> That's the fella! Hey, stop! Thief! I'll get 'em this time. >> No, no, Larry! No! Stop! Look, he's still got his gun!

gun shots

screams

at 6

telephone rings

at 6

>> Gordon, Evening News. What's that? Stevens? Yes, I sent him to the Saint George Hotel a few minutes ago. No. No, he was on duty. The man is a hero. He knew something big was going to break, there at the Saint George.

footsteps

at 6

>> Hold the presses! We're getting out an extra. Take this down. Larry Stevens, evening news reporter, shot to death in the lobby of the Saint George Hotel 25 p.m. today. He sacrificed his life, heroically in the line of duty. Where's my hat? I've got to get down there! >> All right, all right! Stand back there! Keep back now! >> Oh, my chin! What happened, officer? >> Nothing, nothing. Some newspaper guy got killed, that's all. >> What's his name? >> I don't know. Larry something-- Aahh, Stevens. Go on, get going! >> Did you say Stevens?

footsteps

at 6

>> Stevens! You! Alive! >> Oh, Mr. Gordon, am I glad to see you! I don't get it though! I'm supposed to be-- Mr. Gordon, Mr. Gordon, where's Pop? >> Pop died a week ago. >> Died a week ago? >> Yes, and Stevens you're fired! Fired! Fired! After me adding an extra with your obit, building you up as a hero for the evening news! What do you do? You cross me and walk around as healthy as a pig! >> But I-- >> You, you, you get away from me! What a minute, wait a minute, if you're not dead who's this guy, officer? How did you identify this man? >> His wallet, Mr. Gordon. Here, see? Says Larry Stevens in it, Evening News. >> That's my wallet! The man who stole it at the race track! I get it now! I was chasing him, and the cops got there first! When he ran around the corner, boom! They shot him! Found my wallet, they thought he was me! See! Now I'm not dead, I'm alive! I'm alive! Sylvia, darling, honey, baby congratulations! You're not a widow! >> Oh, Larry, darling, what a night. >> Yeah. >> I'm happy I'm not a widow. >> Yeah, me too. >> What are you looking so wistful at the sky for? >> I was just looking up to see whether Pop was looking down at me with that funny look on his face. >> Are you sorry Pop gave you those papers? >> Nope. >> Oh, it's some wedding night. We haven't even got cab fare. >> I know it. And you know something else, I'm glad that poor guy did something with that money instead of leaving it in the wallet. I got something better. >> What? >> You. The future. And I'm not going to worry about what the future looks like. I'm just going to take it as it comes. >> I guess Pop was trying to teach you a lesson, Larry. >> Yeah. I guess he was, and he did. You know, I think can almost see him now, up there now looking down on me. He's smiling. Thanks a lot, Pop. Come on, honey. >> You've been listening to Old-Time Radio Drama Silver Jubilee.

applause

at 6

Presenting the 9XM Players, coming to you from Music Hall on the UW-Madison campus in It Happened Tomorrow. We'll be back with our second feature in a moment, but first-- You know, one of the most cherished traditions is the family silver. Of course, all that fussy-looking silverware from grandma's time will hardly do for today's modern household. It's time to start a tradition of your own with Hoople Brothers flatware. Hoople Brothers flatware is made from a patented alloy of metals that withstands corrosion and tarnishing, and occasional washing. We asked real housewives from all over to the country to try Hoople Brothers flatware. Let's listen in on what they have to say. >> It's a little heavy! >> You can tell it's quality by the sheer weight of it. >> I'll practically need a forklift just to set the table. >>That's because it's crafted from genuine US military surplus parts made right here in the US at a factory in Los Alamos, New Mexico.

laughter

at 6

>> Wait, Los Alamos, New Mexico? >> Me-he-co! Ole! Mucho qualito! >> And its strong but simple lines will never go out of fashion. >> Look at this fork! >> Where are the tines?

laughter

at 6

>> No tines means no places for messy food to get caught in! You know, that'll make clean up a snap. >> Plus, it'll save you money. You'll never have to replace lost cutlery because Hoople Brothers glows in the dark.

laughter

at 6

>> Oooooh! >> Ewww! >> Don't forget always to wear gloves when handling your cutlery.

cutlery clatters

at 6

And in this time of quality meat shortages, if your Hoople Brothers flatware should happen to break, remember, it's not the fork, it's the steak!

laughter

at 6

>> Look, her fingers are turning green. >> You're listening to the 9XM Players in Supernatural. It's an old-time radio event coming to you from Old Music Hall on the UW-Madison campus.

applause

at 6

It all began with Thorne Smith, who burst onto the literary scene in 1926 with a book called Topper, or the Jovial Ghosts. It was boozy, it was racy and, of course, it sold like crazy. And in 1932 Smith followed it with a sequel, Topper Takes A Trip. Five years later, it was a movie with Cary Grant and Constance Bennett as George and Marion Kerby, Roland Young as Topper, and Billie Burke as his clueless wife, Mary. Two more films followed, and for a few weeks in the summer of 1945, Roland Young reprised his role as Topper in the radio series. From 1953 to '56, Leo G. Carroll played Topper on television. Tonight's story comes from July 5, 1945. And now, from Old Music Hall on the UW-Madison campus.

applause

at 6

The 9XM Players return with Topper and The Telephone Repairman. >> Topper, say Topper. >> Oh, Topper, darling. We're back.

laughter

at 6

>> Here we go again. >> The Adventures of Topper starring Bruce Bradley, Liz Angle, Paul Milisch and Michele Good.

applause

at 6

The Adventures of Topper is a new comedy series based on Thorne Smith's hilarious bestseller. And now let's meet Topper. >> How'd ya do? My name is Cosmo Topper. Looking at me wouldn't think I was suffering from one of the oldest diseases known to man, brunette trouble.

laughter

at 6

And when I say she's out of this world, I mean it. She's a ghost. This brunette ghost I'm referring to is Marion Kerby who with her equally frivolous husband, George, is further complicating my life. With them around, my senseless problems always wind up as disasters. For example, the other day we had some trouble with the telephone. >> Mr. Topper! Mr. Topper! I'm handing in my notice here and now. >> Why, what's the matter, Hazel? >> It's that telephone Mr. Topper. It's turned me into a nervous wreck! >> Yes, the telephone, is a bit out of order, but you wouldn't leave for a little thing like that would you? >> A little thing? Mr. Topper I've got my social life to consider! That telephone means the difference between hitting the hay at nine and hitting the hotspots till two. >> Come on, the phone isn't that bad, it's just a slight buzzing. >> My boyfriend thinks I've taken up beekeeping. >> Well, I've already called the telephone repair man. >> Well, I hope he finds the trouble, and quick! >> He should. It's probably just that the wires are crossed in the trees. Maybe the lightning the other night... or the squirrels. The tree's full of them. >> Well, that repairman better get here soon. Those squirrels aren't going to take me out dancing! >> Hm, maybe the telephone repairman didn't hear me tell him to come at once because the phone isn't working well.

laughter

at 6

>> Cosmo? Hey, Cosmo, who you talking to just then? >> Oh, hello Malveena. Nobody, why? >> Because every time I come upon you suddenly you seem to be talking to someone, and there's no one there. Cosmo, do you feel well? >> Of course, dear. >> And another thing, every night lately I hear you talking in your sleep. >> Well, maybe you don't give me enough chance to talk when I'm awake.

laughter

at 6

>> Cosmo, dear. Please don't joke. I'm really worried about you. Lately you've been acting so queerly, as if, well...as if you were hearing voices or something. >> Voices? Why, that's ridiculous Malveena, there's really nothing to worry about. >> Maybe I haven't been sweet enough to you. After all, a wife should be her husband's partner. Sharing his happiness and his troubles. I'd like to share your troubles with you, Cosmo. >> Why, Malveena, that's the nicest thing you've said to me since you, since you proposed to me.

laughter

at 6

>> Well then, Cosmo, why don't you confide in me and tell me what's bothering you. After all there's no one more understanding than your own wife. >> Maybe you're right. >> Of course I am. >> Malveena-- >> Yes, darling. >> You will believe what I tell you, no matter how fantastic it sounds? >> Of course not, dear!

laughter

at 6

Now, tell me what is it? >> Well, you know George and Marion Kerby? >> Of course! That reckless young couple who died when their car crashed into that tree. >> Malveena, they're not really dead. >> Not dead? But, Cosmo, their obituaries were in the Herald Tribune. >> Well, apparently they didn't get the word because they're back. >> They're back? But Cosmo-- >> As low plane spirits. >> They've come back to earth as low playing spirits? >> Low plane spirits. >> Oh, sorry-- >> Yes, you see they couldn't get to heaven so they have to hang around the earth. >> With you, Cosmo? >> Yes, they've made me their bosom companion. >> They've made you their bosom companion? >> Unfortunately, yes. You do believe me, don't you Malveena? >> Why...why yes, yes, of course, dear And, these low plane spirits, do you really see them Cosmo? >> Actually, I only see them when they've stored up enough ectoplasm. Then they materialize right before my eyes, out of thin air. >> Out of thin air? >> Um-hm. Zip, they materialize, zip, they dematerialize. >> They materialize, zip, they dematerialize? Zip. >> Of course sometimes Marion looks a little un zipped.

laughter

at 6

Anyway, they're the ones who have been aggravating me lately. >> Oh, so they're the ones. >> Sure, one time George and Marion they chased your sister out of the house. Then next they dragged me off to the races. >> And you blame everything on these low plane spirits? >> Exactly. Now dear, after hearing my story you can understand my troubles. >> Yes, Cosmo. I'm just beginning to understand. >> You see how serious it is. >> Cosmo, it's more serious than you think. >> You can see why I've been worried. >> Can I? Cosmo, you stay here. I'll be right back. Now don't go away! >> All right, Malveena. Now that I've told you everything, I think we know how to handle this. >> Yes, dear. I think I know just how to handle it.

banging of phone

buzzing

at 6

>> I'm so sorry, doctor, I know, this phone is a little out of order.

banging

at 6

Can you hear me now? He hears noises, and he sees things. He talks to himself. You'll take the case? Oh, thank you! Yes, our family doctor said you were the best psychiatrist around here. Oh, I'll be sure not to tell him that you're coming! Yes, yes, I understand. Oh, this humming! You want to observe him without arousing any mental resistance. You can come at once. Oh, yes of course! I'll be sure to keep him here until you arrive. Good bye! >> I'm beginning to feel better already! Confession is good for the soul. I should have told Malveena everything long ago. No more George and Marion for me.

eerie notes ascending

at 6

>> Uh-oh, I spoke too soon. George! Marion! You in this room? You think I can't tell because you're invisible? Well, speak up! I guess they really aren't here, my nerves must be getting the better of me. Don't mess up my hair, Marion. I knew you were there. No more of your silly tricks. I'm no longer a man to be trifled with. >> All right, Topper, darling. You're so cute when you're cross. >> Don't you know it's not lady-like to sneak up on people, even if you're just a spirit? >> Now don't be an old cross-patch, Toppie. What you need is some fun. Darling, George and I have a great day planned for you. He ought to be along any minute. >> Now, I want to get this off my chest right away. I'm a new man. I've taken a new lease on life. >> That's an idea. Maybe your old lease expired.

laughter

at 6

>> Marion, I'm not waiting for George to pick me up. I'm not interested in being part of your plans today, or ever. In fact, I'm leaving this room right now to take a walk by myself. >> Topper, do you think I'll let you leace like that? >> I don't see how you're going to stop me, Marion No, I don't see how you-- Take your arms away from my neck! Marion, stop this this instant. No! Marion, please! Marion, I forbid you! Even if you are invisible, what if my wife should come in? >> Cosmo, I am in.

laughter

at 6

Oh, Cosmo you're talking to yourself again. Oh, my poor dear, sop hardened so burdened down with care. >> It's not the only thing I'm burdened down with right now.

laughter

at 6

The best thing for me right now is if I could stretch my legs and take a short walk outside. >> A walk? You mustn't do that, Cosmo. >> Why not? >> Uh...someone is coming. You look so comfortable in that chair. Oh, Cosmo, remember when we were first married? You'd ask me to sit on your knee. Well,

laughter

at 6

why don't you ask me now >> Right now, Malveena? >> Well, of course! Ask me right now. >> Well, I can't. There isn't any room. >> What?

laughter

at 6

>> Well, I never had much of a lap to begin with. My legs are SO short. >> Oh, Cosmo! What are you saying? Oh, now dear I insist! After all, large or small, a lap is still a lap. >> Ahh! May I suggest, if you insist, may I make a suggestion? >> What is it? >> Why don't you let me sit on your lap?

sigh

at 6

doorbell chimes

at 6

>> Is that the telephone repairman? Send him right in. >> Yes, Mr. Topper. >> I'll be in the living room.

doorbell chimes

at 6

>> I'm coming, I'm coming! Well, come in already!

door slams

at 6

>> Good Afternoon! Dr. Herman Schwartzkopf, here to see Mr. Topper. Here's my card. >> Mr. Topper is in the living room. >> You needn't announce me. >> Don't worry. I wasn't gonna!

laughter

at 6

That door over there.

footsteps

at 6

>> Mr. Topper, your wife-- >> It's about time you got here. >> You were expecting me? >> I've been expecting you for days! Well, you're certainly not appropriately attired. >> Appropriately attired for what? >> For tree climbing! Well, don't just stand there, go climb the tree. >> Climb...climb the tree? Now, now, Mr. Topper, let's sit down calmly and discuss this. What seems to be the trouble? >> Well, in my opinion is seems to have been caused either by the lightening or the squirrels.

laughter

at 6

Personally, I lean towards the squirrels. >> Why is that? >> I think they have been crossing my wires.

laughter

at 6

>> Mm- hm. In other words, you definitely feel your wires are crossed? >> Either that or I have a very loose connection.

laughter

at 6

>> Well, in any event, you hold the squirrels directly responsible for your present predicament? >> Undoubtedly. >> Tell me, have you ever seen these little squirrels at work? >> No, not exactly. >> Mm- hm. >> But confidentially, I think they sneak around and work on my wires when I'm asleep. >> Hmm. Definite manifestation of the persecution complex. >> What was that? >> Nothing! Nothing at all! >> Now, look here my good man, I don't see where all this talk is getting us. Why don't you get your tools and get busy. >> Tools? >> Certainly, a hammer, a monkey wrench? >> For the squirrels, Mr. Topper? >> Of course not, stop gibbering like an idiot. >> Well, what for? >> Well, you know your business better than I do. I've probably got a loose screw somewhere. >> That, we can agree upon!

laughter

at 6

When were you first aware that something was wrong? >> Well, a few days ago there was distinct buzzing noise in my ear. >> Buzzing noise in your ear? Like a bee perhaps? >> Not exactly. >> Certainly not like a squirrel, Mr. Topper? >> Certainly not. The trouble is that when I hear the buzzing I can't hear the voices.

laughter

at 6

>> Voices! You hear voices, too! >> Yes, the buzzing is so bad that I can't hear the voices. >> Mm- hm. And what do these voices seem to be saying? >> What difference does that make? >> Oh, just call it idle curiosity, Mr. Topper. Is there anything that all the voices have to say in common? >> Certainly. Hello and good-bye.

laughter

at 6

But it's the buzzing that's driving me crazy! Let's just get to the trouble! >> Now, Mr. Topper, calm yourself! The last gentleman I talked with not only had trouble with bells and buzzing, but he also saw lights going on and off. >> Is that right? >> Yes! He also thought he was a pinball machine.

laughter

at 6

>> Well, the poor fellow must have been out of his mind! >> Definitely. >> Wartime hysteria, no doubt. I deeply sympathize with those people. >> You do? >> Oh, yes. Poor unbalanced souls, they have my deepest sympathy. Well, should we go climb a tree? >> Are you all through now, Mr. Telephone man? >> Not all through, sister, but I found out what the trouble was. Now, can you tell me where I can find the boss of the house and I can give him my report? >> Mrs. Topper is in the dining room. Mrs. Topper there's a gentleman here to see you! >> Oh, yes, thank you. Send him in!

footsteps

at 6

Well, doctor, what a clever disguise!

laughter

at 6

Have you made your examination? >> Lady, the name is Smith, just plain Smith. >> Oh, yes, how forgetful of me! I promised you I wouldn't mention your name didn't I doctor! Well, what did you find Mr. Smith?

laughter

at 6

>> Lady, would you stop winking at me? I've got a wife and three kids. >> Well, tell me what you found then? >> Well, you know everything's got a breaking point. >> Oh dear, isn't that... >> I made a thorough examination, you've got a heck of a mess on your hands here. The wires are definitely crossed. >> Oh, oh, dear. I was afraid of something like this. What do you think has caused it? >> Well, I'd say it was the squirrels. >> Oh, poor dear Cosmo. Do you think I should discuss this with my husband? >> Sure, by all means, tell him the truth. >> Very well doctor. It's going to be hard, but I know I must be brave. >> We'll get back to The Adventures of Topper in a moment. But first, if you think Topper's having phone problems, listen in on Bonnie and Babs as they discuss a matter of great importance. >> You know, Bonnie, I don't know what's wrong with me. After that first date, Burt said he'd call, but the phone hasn't rung once. Do you think I should call him? >> Not on your life! A girl's never that desperate. How long's it been? >> A year.

laughter

at 6

>> Oh...well, it may be a little late for snagging Burt, but it's not too late to feel better about yourself-by taking care of those snags in your stockings. >> My stockings? >> Sure! One of the first things a guy notices is those unsightly runs and gaps that say, "I'm a girl who just doesn't care." >> But I do care! >> Of course you do! That's why you're going to want to pick up a pair of smooth, silky, seamless Steptoe Stockings. The stockings that say, "I care and I bet you do too!" >> Well, what's so great about Steptoe Stockings? >> Millions of women can tell you! They shape your legs to look their best. With Steptoe Stockings, who knows, you might be the next Betty Grable. >> But wait! With the wartime shortages, how do I get my pair of Steptoe Stockings? >> Thought you'd never ask! You could make friends with some GIs. They seem to have an endless supply. Or you could go to your local House of Hosiery, where they have a short-term stock of special Steptoe Wonder Stockings. >> But with nylon in such short- >> They're made from a special bland of spund burlap

laughter

at 6

and, believe you me, with the new Steptoe Wonder Stockings, you'll never have runs again. Put on a pair today, and before you know it, you just might be hearing....

phone rings

at 6

>> Hello, Babs? This is Burt....

applause

at 6

>> And now, back to The Adventures of Topper. >> So you see, Cosmo, In view of all the evidence, it's obvious you're not quite well. After all, the psychiatrist's examination this afternoon was very conclusive. >> You say a psychiatrist examined me and I didn't even know it? >> Yes, dear. Not only did I talk to him later, I received his written report. >> Well, Malveena. I still can't quite believe it. >> Well, Cosmo. Did anyone else ever see these ghosts? >> Well, no, they didn't. >> Did anyone else try to ever talk to them? >> It'd be tough to prove. >> There, you see Cosmo, all these things are figments of your imagination. >> Then I don't have wild evenings with dead people?

laughter

at 6

>> Imaginations, dear. >> And I didn't go to the races last week with George and Marion and win a lot of money? >> Imagination, dear. >> And Marion Kerby doesn't think I'm attractive and throw her arms on me? >> Imagination, darling.

laughter

at 6

>> What does my imagination got, that I haven't?

laughter

at 6

Well, darling, suppose you're right, what are we going to do about it? >> Well, people who aren't well, they stop work for a while and they go away for a rest. To a sanitarium. >> To a sanitarium? >> Yes, dear. It's so quiet and private. There will be no one there to disturb you. >> I suppose it has its advantages. I could do with a good rest. But you haven't quite convinced me about the sanitarium. >> Well, one thing, of course I won't be with you there, dear.

laughter

at 6

>> You've convinced me.

laughter

at 6

>> I knew you'd be reasonable dear. Now, Cosmo, the first step on your road to recovery, is to face squarely the facts that you are not well. >> What if I hear the voices again or see the ghosts? >> Well, if you do dear, you must ignore them. You just say to yourself, I'm a sick man, I'm imagining things. I want to get well. Go ahead, practice. >> Very well, dear. >> Thank you. >> I'm a sick man, >> Yes. >> I'm imagining things. >> You are. >> I want to get well. >> Again. >> I'm a sick man, I'm imagining things, I want to get well.

Cosmo repeating to himself

laughter

at 6

>> Oh, darling. Are you still angry? I'm sorry I was gone so long, but I had the hardest time finding George. He was at a costume party.

shakes maracas

at 6

>> Ol. >> Can you believe the size of umbrellas they need for their cocktails?

laughter

at 6

>> Hi Topper. Say what's all this mumbo jumbo? Oh boy, do we have plans for you! >> We're going to have a wonderful time, but we're going to-- Topper? Are you listening to me? >> I'm a sick man. I'm imagining things. I want to get well. >> What? What did you say, Topper? What did he say, George? >> Search me, baby? Say, Topper, are you ignoring us? >> George, maybe he's asleep. Shake him out of his slumber. >> Sure. Topper? Topper, don't you hear us? >> No! I don't hear you, but if I did, I'd tell you I've been pronounced crazy because I imagine I'm seeing ghosts. >> Anyone we know?

laughter

at 6

>> Yes, you and George. >> Ah, come on. Come off it Topper. You don't imagine you see us! We're visible now, you do see us! >> No, I don't, you're merely hallucinations. Go away. >> Now, look, Topper. If we're just hallucinations, why are you talking to us? >> Because I'm crazy.

laughter

at 6

>> Topsy, darling. How do you know you're crazy? >> Because I'm talking to you. >> Ah, Topper. Don't believe stuff like that. Look, if you're in a jam, just let us help you out. >> But a famous psychiatrist said I was not well, he's sending me to a sanitarium. >> This is fantastic, Topper! How can you say we don't exist when we're standing right here talking to you? >> George, let me handle this. >> Your turn, baby. >> Topper, look into my eyes, darling. I'm going to put my arms around you. >> I'm a sick man,

laughter

at 6

I'm imagining things.

exaggerated kissing noises

at 6

Who wants to get well?

laughter

at 6

>> Poor old, Topsy. He's a terrible mess and frankly you're mainly to blame. You're always getting him into trouble. >> Me? You usually manage to get your pretty pan into the middle of things, darling. >> Why George Kerby you're the lowest low plane spirit I know! How can you make such an accusation like that? >> Well, all right, all right! What's the use of arguing? The point is that if Topper is declared crazy, they're going to send him away! What are we going to do about it? >> Well, whatever we're going to do, we better do it fast. >> Right. >> George, I overheard Mrs. Topper on the telephone a few minutes ago and she said that Dr. Herman Schwartzkopf is bringing over a noted Viennese psychiatrist, Dr. Gerhard Wilhelm Glockenspiel to examine Topper before they officially commit him. >> Another psychiatrist? What are they doing, getting a convention over Topper's mind? >> I've decided when they get here, Topper is not the only one under observation. We'll be in the room, invisible. And, I have a plan. >> After you Dr. Glockenspiel. The patient is in the living room. You'll find this a very interesting case. >> From what you tell me, Doctor, this case is delightful in its possibilities. >> I know you'll enjoy yourself! >> Well, onto the station, Dr. Schwartzkopf! >> Here we go Dr. Glockenspiel!

footsteps

at 6

>> Well, well, well, how is our patient this afternoon? Mr. Topper, I want to present my colleague, Dr.Gerhard Wilhelm Glockenspiel. He wishes to ask you a few questions. >> Oh, please no more questions. I'm unwell and that's that. >> One moment please, let's not jump to any hasty conclusions. >> Please, I'm happier this way. Don't try to convince me I'm sane. That's what they were trying to do. >> Who are they? >> George and Marion, a couple of dead people that I've been going around with lately. >> Ohhhh... >> You see Dr. Glockenspiel, not only does he have buzzing, ringing, and voices, but now he's got dead people too. A wonderful mind to... >> I realized they're hallucinations. George I don't mind leaving, but Marion, there's a hallucination, I hate to give up.

laughter

at 6

>> Mr. Topper, would you mind describing this apparition you see? >> Well, usually Marion is invisible, but when she materializes... oooh. >> Yes? Please continue, Mr. Topper. >> When she materializes she's about 5'6, brown hair, green eyes-- >> Yes, yes. Go on. >> Lovely little figure. Sometimes I'm sitting in my chair and she comes up behind me and puts her arms around me and kisses me on the cheek. >> Dr. Glockenspiel, sometimes I think we're on the wrong end of this business.

laughter

at 6

>> Please, Dr. Schwartzkopf, let's not mix business with hallucinations. Still I had one hallucination in Vienna...but let's get back to the examination.

laughter

at 6

>> The apparitions I can understand, but I've had other hallucinations and I can't explain. >> Oh, that's what I'm here for Mr. Topper, tell us all about the hallucinations. >> I'll be sitting there quietly minding my own business when suddenly, for no apparent reason the door will open and close--

door slams

at 6

all by itself. Like that, I just imagined that it opened and closed. >> Now, Mr. Topper can't you tell, I too saw the door open and close. Dr. Schwartzkopf, you saw the door open and close didn't you?

chuckling

at 6

>> Yes, of course. Dr. Glockenspiel, it's probably a draft. >> You see Mr. Topper, you mustn't confuse your hallucinations with reality! The door opened and closed. >> Well, I guess it could have been a draft, but I have other hallucinations not so easily explained. >> I think Dr. Schwartzkopf and I can explain them. >> You can? That's wonderful. Take that radio, how did Hazel's portable radio get there? I thought it was in her room.

radio plays music

at 6

>> Oh dear, gentlemen, right now I can hear that radio, I imagine I hear that radio. It turned on and start playing all by itself. I don't suppose you hear it too, do you? >> Mr. Topper, would you repeat that question? >> I said, do you hear that radio? >> The question is, do I hear that radio? Uhh.. Dr. Schwartzkopf, do you hear it? >> Uh, you tell me--- >> Oh no, after you-- >> But, I insist, after you Dr. Glockenspiel-- >> Well, I definitely go on record saying I hear nothing. >> I too, go on record saying I hear nothing.

radio stops

at 6

>> It stopped now-- >> Amen!

radio starts again

at 6

Oh, now it's started again. And you say, you hear nothing. Well, that proves I'm unwell, anyone that hears noises is not well. I guess you may as well go, gentlemen. Excuse me, but I am having the most curious hallucination right now. That rose just seemed to leap out of that vase and it's floating through the air. It's floating towards Dr. Schwartzkopf. And it seems to be turning towards his face and it's--

laughter

at 6

I imagined that the rose smacked you on the head, sir. >> Oh?

laughter

at 6

>> Gentleman, I hate to bother you again, but I think I'm having another hallucination. >> Another one, Mr. Topper? >> Yes, I imagine the vase is rising and floating in the air. It's floating, it's floating, it's going above Dr. Glockenspiel's head. Floating-- Now it's stopped. But now, it's slowly turning upside down. >> I don't see a thing, I insist I don't see a thing! I just remembered I have another appointment! Good day, Mr. Topper!

footsteps

door slams

at 6

>> Oh, dear. You know what Dr. Schwartzkopf, now the vase seems to be floating in your direction. It's over your head now. >> Glockenspiel wait for me!

footsteps

at 6

>> Oh, Mr. Topper, we'll be sending you a bill in the morning.

door slams

at 6

>> George! Marion! >> Well, Topper! Finally convinced that we are not hallucinations? >> George, don't talk to him! After the insult he's paid us, I don't want to have anything to do with him. >> Hmm. That goes for me too, Topper. As far as you're concerned, we're quits. >> Ah, Marion. >> Let's go, George! >> George and Marion. Gone for good. No more excitement for me, no more fun.

awws

at 6

Oh dear, I'm going to miss them.

knocking

at 6

>> Now what?

footsteps

at 6

>> Mr. Topper, your wife sent me in here to make my examination. >> Your examination? Oh, no, no, no you don't! I've just had two examinations already. >> Well, I can tell you right now, the problem's bigger than I thought. >> Is that so? >> Yeah. Everybody on the block has their wires crossed!

laughter

at 6

>> That I can believe.

laughter

at 6

>> Cosmo, did you read in the paper what happened to those two psychiatrists? It was in this morning's paper? >> Yes, they each committed the other to an institution.

laughter

at 6

>> And to think I believed you were crazy. You don't see those ghosts anymore do you, Cosmo? >> No, they've left me for good, I'm afraid. >> Oh, I'm so glad. And to make everything perfect, the telephone wires are being fixed so any trouble-- >> Mrs. Topper, that's what you think! >> Why, Hazel, what's the matter? >> Matter? Two empty straightjackets chased the telephone man up the tree and won't let him down!

laughter

at 6

>> Oh dear. >> Oh, No! Here we go again.

applause

at 6

>> You've been listening to The Adventures of Topper, performed by the 9XM Players, as part of our Old-Time Radio Silver Jubilee, celebrating 25 years of Old-Time Radio on the oldest station in the nation, Wisconsin Public Radio. Our broadcast has come to you from Old Music Hall on the University of Wisconsin-Madison campus.

The 9XM Players are

Liz Angle, Bruce Bradley, Jim Chiolino, Michele Good, Juli Hinds, Anthony Lamarr, Paul Milisch, Dave Potratz, Lisa Spierer and Russell Wolff. Our music was by the Kat Trio Our Director was Michele Good Our Foley operator was Britny True and Mary Kate McCoy. Our broadcast engineer was Brad Kolberg, and our TV producers were Tina Hauser and Bruce Johnson. Special thanks to Angie and Tammy Whitiken, Jenny Maahs, Dean Knetter, Ramona Gasper, Hotel Red, Farley's House of Pianos, Flora Designes by -- Best Cleaners and Sun Prairie Civic Center. Thanks to Wollersheim Winery for their generous support of tonight's show. Be sure to listen tomorrow night

at 9

00 for Karl Schmidt one-man performance of the original radio play, Selling Ohio during our Old-Time Radio broadcast. I'm Norman Gilliland. Thanks for joining us. Join us next time on Wisconsin Public Radio.

music and clapping