Independent Lens

[light music] - My mother and my brother and sister and I moved in with my mother's parents.

My grandparent's house felt like this safe place.

But then it wasn't.

My grandfather's photo pops up with my newborn niece in his arms.

I knew I had to say something, so that Amelia would not be abused.

- You never think it's gonna happen in your own home.

- He claimed to be a man of God.

- There were still children at risk.

He built power to manipulate his family into silence.

This silence ended with me.

announcer: "Silent Beauty," now only on "Independent Lens."

[upbeat music] [vocalizing] - As a child, my grandmother and I dreamed of adventure, freedom, and peace.

Of one day exploring vast oceans because we were never allowed or taught how to.

[tranquil piano music] [soft music] [birds chirping] [vocalizing] [inhaling] [soft music] - Stuffies fight!

Yeah!

[all laughing] [glasses clinking] [chatter] [laughter] - Ahh.

[laughs] - Jacob in the middle.

I'm on the-- - [laughs] [soft music] - What do you wanna say to the world?

- I love it, on the tire swing!

[meows] - I toast to our future.

[laughter] [chatter] - The earliest memories I have are not so great.

I felt like an outsider and that my family did not love me.

They didn't understand me.

[chatter] [laughter] [soft music] I asked my mother to send me my grandfather's Super 8 films, and I started to watch the footage.

[soft music] In that footage, I saw my mother holding me so tenderly.

And I had never seen that before.

I broke down when I realized I wasn't allowed to see the good in my life because of what happened to me.

[soft music] Those memories are there.

I just have to dig for them.

[soft music] - Right here.

Get it.

It's right here.

Sometimes I see her look at her face, and she reminds me of, from "Star Wars," the Ewok.

She reminds me of the Ewok, her little face.

- I didn't have a good relationship with my mother.

There's always been this tension between us that hasn't allowed us to really hold one another.

[ranchera music] [ranchera music] My mother was born in Compton, California.

She was the youngest girl of 12 children.

In the stories she tells me about her girlhood, she is rebellious, funny.

When I think about her today, I think of wind chimes, nopales, and Smokey Robinson.

She makes great salsas.

My friends always love her.

And she admires me.

But it didn't always feel that way.

[ranchera music] I had more of a mother-daughter relationship with my grandmother, Maria-- at least when it comes to the love, affection, and nurturing that I needed.

[upbeat music] [bolero music] My parents divorced when I was five.

My mother, my brother, and sister and I moved in with my mother's parents.

Us kids spent most summers with my father.

[bolero music] The rest of the time, my grandparents' house was like the central hub for all the cousins.

My grandfather was a Baptist minister.

He was the grandfather that made us laugh.

My grandmother, she was this matriarch.

And she just wanted to take care of you.

We would watch old Mexican films together.

- rale, hombre.

Se va. - Ya me cans.

Qu--qu alegas?

- Que se va acabar la msica, hombre.

- Pues que se acabe.

- Pues ya se acab.

- Que se acabe.

- Ya se acab.

- And spend hours watching sea explorers.

She had a mechanical heart valve, and sometimes I would fall asleep to her heart tick.

[slow ticking] [bolero music] When I was in the fourth grade, my mom got a job in Northern California.

I loved my grandmother so much, and I wanted to stay with her.

My mom and siblings moved away, so it was just me, my grandparents, and sometimes my youngest uncles.

For many years, my grandparents' house felt like this safe place.

But then it wasn't.

- Where am I?

[grunts] Whee!

- [laughs] - Sara is my younger sister by three years.

- Hey, look at.

- Cherry!

Two cherries at a time?

- [laughs] - Here we two at a time.

- Amelia is my niece.

[laughing] - You say "meow" 'cause you-- 'cause you're saying hello.

Him wanna say-- her wanna say hello to you.

Hi.

- [laughs] - I didn't say that.

Her did.

[cat meows] OK. - Here you go.

- They're right in my room.

- All right.

Peter is-- [gentle music] - My siblings and I were close.

- [laughs] Oh, hi, you guys.

You guys better like this 'cause we're dressed like big dorks, OK?

And if you don't recognize me, I'm the shorter one, Jasmin, and Sar-- - Sara.

- [laughs] I said-- - No, I'm not.

- Yo, it's me.

[laughter] [Mary Wells' "Two Lovers" playing] - As young adults, we grew apart.

both: Well, I've got two lovers And I ain't ashamed Two lovers, and I love them both the same Let me tell you about my - I moved away at 18, and Sara joined the Navy at 17. both: He's sweet and kind, and he's mine, all mine - Even though there's more distance between our lives as adults, we know we're there for each other.

both: I really, really love him - I really appreciate that she wants me in her daughter's life.

both: I love him so Now I'll do everything I can - Wow, it's soap in there.

- Yeah.

[both laugh] So should we make scrambled?

- Huh?

- Scrambled?

- Yeah.

- I was 34 years old.

I was living in Oakland, and my sister was still in Los Angeles.

I was going through Facebook when my grandfather's photo pops up with my newborn niece in his arms.

- OK, good job.

Now get down.

- I knew I had to say something so that Amelia would not be abused.

- You know we have cheese in eggs.

[somber music] - Que haces?

[phone line trilling] - Hello?

- Dime.

- Quiero tener una conversacin contigo que es privada.

No quiero que nadie oiga.

- Bueno.

- Yo he estado pensando mucho en lo que... lo que pas, lo que me hicistes cuando tena 10 aos.

- Cuando me tocaste.

- Oye, no, no, no.

- Eso es una mentira.

- Han pasado aos y aos.

- No, pero mira.

- De dnde sacas eso t?

Lo soastes o qu?

[chatter] - You wash the glasses first.

The day my grandfather taught me to wash dishes, he stood at the sink, took a glass, and told me to start at the edges.

Then he had me try, standing next to me, watching as I followed his lead.

My grandfather had rules for everything-- what time we ate, what day we shopped, how we washed the dishes.

I lived with my grandparents, my mother, my siblings, and my youngest uncles.

We, the young girls in the family, had less freedoms than the boys in the family.

We had a hammock in our front yard.

That also had a rule.

We couldn't swing fast, but our uncles could.

I broke that rule with a neighborhood boy once.

My grandfather hit me with a bullwhip that day.

In the past, I've tried to forget him, the good and the bad, but I can't.

His memory is always present.

In the most mundane of tasks, he's there.

- Eran cien ovejas Que haba en el rebao Eran 100 ovejas Que amante cuid Pero en una tarde Al contarlas todas Le faltaba una Y esa eres t, eh?

Le faltaba una Y triste llor [chatter] - Say hi, Mom.

- I've gone through most of my life feeling like I was the one at fault.

I decided to tell my family.

[somber music] - I was a devoted daughter.

He would say, "Jump."

I'd say, "How high?"

When you told me about everything that had happened, I went into a really angry, dark space.

It's like when you get a picture, and you cut out someone's face.

He's the person most hated in this world to me.

[sighs] You hear this happens to people, but you never think it's gonna happen in your own home.

And then especially for people from Mexico and other countries that say, oh, you can't tell because-- Qu van a decir?

Qu va a decir la gente?

You're the one that's gonna look bad.

Did you cause it?

You know?

I think talking with you-- 'cause we're talking-- you know, usually it's just texting and stuff.

But we're talking about the situation.

And then I go--I-- I tell myself, come on, Sandra, you can do it.

You can do it.

You're gonna be OK.

But my stomach was turning, and I was feeling all nervous.

My hands were feeling-- I could feel the heartbeat on my hands.

But I feel that this is helping both of us.

And I hope and I pray that it's making us stronger as me and you, daughter-mother.

You know what I mean?

[crying] Hopefully I can stop getting migraines and having nightmares.

[somber music] [somber music] - The nightmares.

I have them, too.

[somber music] I dream my sister is drowning, but I can't reach her.

My niece and nephews are drowning, and I'm trying desperately to save them.

Our family is drowning.

- [laughs] You guys!

Ahh!

[laughs] Whee!

Whee!

Whee!

[laughing] - [gasps] - [laughs] - When I confronted him, just a little part of me was hanging onto the fact that he raised me.

He was like my father.

And just trying to get him to understand that I needed him, you know, to explain to me why he did what he did.

- Now it's like-- I don't know.

You see people, you meet people, and it's in the back of my mind.

You know, are you a good person or not?

And I feel like anybody has-- everybody has the capability to be bad.

So it's hard.

And it's, isolating, but I think that's just life.

- I know how to do-- - You know, the trauma you've experienced, how do you think that is affecting her life?

- Whee, whee.

- We don't have visitors at home.

We don't really visit other people's homes.

- That's how do you do it, Mama.

- I've told her that anybody could hurt her, not just strangers.

I don't want to be instilling fear in her, but I also don't want her to not be aware.

- [laughs] - I think one fell.

- I honestly thought Ben and Jesse would, like, be at your side.

- Nope.

- It's ridiculous because they're police officers.

Although, now, that doesn't mean anything to me whatsoever.

- Yeah.

I think, you know, they were raised by a pedophile.

I think they knew their father abused people.

- Mm-hmm.

And it is--I mean, like, it can be lonely, [chuckles] life without family members and stuff.

But oh, well.

[waves crashing] [soft music] [soft music] - We looked up to my tos.

They loved us.

When I was born, Ben would run to our house after school to see how I was doing.

He bought me my first Nintendo, pushed me to face my fears, and would laugh when I'd slide jokes under the bathroom door while he occupied it.

[instrumental music] [background conversation] I felt closest to Ben.

I trusted him.

I was scared when I told him because I didn't want to hurt or lose him.

Ben said, "Well, you just dropped a bombshell, "so I need to think about this.

But we're family, and we'll figure this out."

- Hearing him say that was a relief.

He immediately told Jess before I had the chance to tell him myself.

Jess shut me down and said he didn't understand why I was doing this.

I continued to email my family and tell them, "Hey, I just want you to know I'm moving forward with this."

Ben emailed me and said, "Take me off your mailing list."

And that was it.

I haven't heard from them since.

- 'Cause I'd figured my brothers... would be there for you, would be there for me, and they weren't.

And they're not.

[birds chirping] - I lost a lot of my hearing the year I told my family.

Imagine people speaking to you while you cup your hands over your ears.

That's my cocoon.

That's where I go to be safe.

[muffled tone] [birds cawing, chirping] [soft music] [whispering] [soft music] - Jakey?

- Yeah.

- So your Ta Jasmin just called me and Daddy.

- [gasps] - And she wanted to let us know that she wanted to tell you that she decided she's moving to New Orleans.

- Yay!

- What do you think, Rambo?

[soft music] [children laughing, exclaiming] - I left Oakland and moved to New Orleans just a year after I disclosed the abuse to my family.

[salsa music playing] I wanted to build a stronger relationship with my brother and his sons.

[soft music] [laughs] One more time.

both: Good morning, Amelia.

- [chuckles] Being Ta Jas makes me incredibly proud.

I want to be the person that I needed.

I want to offer them love they can trust.

Hey, Rambo, what are you doing?

- I'm a camera guy.

- [vocalizing] - It's like if I was protecting Frida Kahlo.

- Those are Rambo's feet They stink, but they're so sweet all: Happy birthday, dear Jasmin Happy birthday to you [cheers and applause] - Coming here was an opportunity to rebuild family.

- Zaf, I love you.

- I love you, too, my love.

- Satie, I love you.

- [kisses] - [kissing] I love you.

- Asli, I love you.

- Bron, I love you.

- I love you.

[fireworks booming] - It's even?

- Yes, yeah.

- [laughs] - I couldn't get the sides.

You're gonna have to get the sides.

- That's actually OK, but just put it down by the line.

I kind of like it.

Don't move, OK?

This part's tricky.

Close your eyes.

[blows] My nephews know what I've experienced, but I always check in with them to make sure what I say doesn't scare them, so they feel safe asking questions.

It's your design that's gonna be messed up.

Looks beautiful.

- Says the one who did it.

- It looks great.

[electronic music playing] [upbeat music] All right, you lead the way.

all: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you [cheering] [laughter] - Whoo!

Thank you.

Is it good?

- That's pretty good.

- Yay!

[laughs] [tranquil tone] [somber music] - Kids are way more perceptive than we give them credit for.

I think that's where we go wrong.

We don't speak openly to them because we're afraid as adults.

[somber music] I just couldn't see it.

I couldn't remember the good things.

I've only been able to see my past as beautiful now that I've started to talk about it.

There were these moments where I had joy and I felt safe.

And that was with my cousins.

I can still see all of us having dinner or being in the den together.

There was a lot of love between us.

But then I think about how that door was right behind us, the door that led to the garage, and that's where it happened to me.

- All this is going on, and you all of a sudden disappear with your grandfather.

I did not see you disappear, you did not see me disappear.

But we were just disappearing like we were ghosts.

Right after you come out of the garage, you would go back and play and just be with everybody else and there was no question or nothing.

- So this road was part of my therapy.

Just driving out here, when it really hit, coming out here just really helped me out.

- What do you think kept people from...

I don't know, believing that he did that or-- - About Grandpa?

- Yeah.

- I think--well-- Several things come to mind.

[exhales] Well, one, he claimed to be a man of God.

He was a wolf disguised as a lamb.

Two, he had such charisma.

And the part of him being what a grandpa should be was something that would easily fool anybody.

[sniffles] It's like the scent of his house... Like, I could just smell it right now.

I could feel the roughness of his beard.

Just...

When you're in that place where you feel that-- that there's just-- You know, you feel hopeless.

I felt hopeless and just felt like there was nothing anybody could do for me.

- You wanna be the boat?

- No.

- No?

- These.

- You wanna be the helicopter?

- I want this.

- No, you only get to pick one.

- I want this.

- You want the airplane?

OK. Mommy's going to be the car.

- Otay.

- Otay.

- I want her to play.

- You want her to play?

- Yeah.

- [laughs] You want me to play?

- Yeah.

[laughter] I'll play.

- OK, let me see.

You got to ask Jasmin which one.

Say, "Which one do you want to be?"

- When my brother told me that he had something to tell me, and then he's like, "You know our cousin, Jasmin?"

And I said, "Yeah."

He was like, "Well, she just came out "that someone in the family molested her when she was little."

For me?

- Yeah.

- OK. - My first thing that I said was, "By who, Grandpa?"

- You're gonna make one?

- So I was six years old, and we were at a family birthday party.

Grandpa had asked me to come with him into the bedroom.

He pulled out his penis, and he told me that I couldn't tell anybody.

No one would believe me and to especially not tell my dad.

- [unintelligible chatter] - For you, Mom.

- That's for me?

- No.

- You have to keep that mask on of being OK, and I love my grandpa, and he's the best, when that's all bull[bleep].

Oh, where do we put that one?

What about right there?

Right here?

Oh.

Getting high, I was able to tolerate everything because it made me, like, numb, not having to actually deal with anything that was going on.

That's when you pass Go.

That's when you have to give up money.

- Give me dough.

- Mm-hmm.

- There is so much that I wish I would have done differently.

I have two children--older.

I was in my addiction when I had them.

I was in an abusive relationship.

They were removed from my custody.

I've done a lot of work on myself to be able to sit here and just be in acceptance that, like, I have two other kids that I don't get to tell them happy birthday.

At this moment in my life, I live just for today.

I work a program of recovery.

I have seven years clean.

I'm proud of just being the woman I am today 'cause it has taken a lot to become this woman today.

- Ready?

- Dad.

- 3, 2, 1.

- In telling my family, I found out that my grandfather abused other people, as well-- my uncles, two aunts.

But my family didn't know how to talk about it.

They didn't want to.

- Do you remember when he would bring out this-- I just remember it freaked me out, and I never wanted to read Revelations-- this chart of how the end of the world was gonna happen and the Rapture.

I mean it was like this diagram.

And it just was-- it always creeped me out because he would bring that.

It was almost like forcing us to be fearful.

It was all just fear-based.

You guys wanna eat?

- Yeah, thank you.

- There's some avocado.

I don't do potatoes or anything 'cause I can't eat that, so-- [laughs] And tortillas are over on the thing.

Rita!

- What was it like for you when I called you and told you?

- I don't know.

I didn't feel any hatred or anything towards him because I didn't know the man you guys were talking about.

So it was really hard.

I mean, I really had to grapple with how do I feel, and why do I feel this way?

I want to be supportive of you.

But it took me a while to figure out where or-- how am I supposed to feel?

So I'm just here now to-- because like I told you, it didn't happen to me with him.

But I am also a abuse survivor, and I choose not to let that define me, and I'm moving forward, and I'm gonna embrace that scar because it's a part of me now, and it's informed a lot of who I am, but mostly, just because it's not talked about.

[soft music] [soft music] Nothing is ever addressed.

That is in its own way, its own repression and silencing.

I really never shared it.

My abuser, he had a friend at work that he would always talk about.

And he says, "Well, yeah, this is how to show love, you know?"

[soft music] [birds chirping] That's a weird-sounding bird.

Look at that little one.

I think what I try to do is the opposite of what we had, which was no one to go to, no one to talk to.

We didn't have an ally.

- My girls know, obviously.

I just wanted them to know that I wasn't just being hypervigilant just because I wanted to instill this fear of men.

I want them to know-- you have a say, and you are in control of how you allow people to treat you.

[birds chirping] [wind, waves crashing] - All of us had this darker experience, but we had my grandmother, and she was a light for us.

I just knew that I couldn't say anything because this man that I was taught to respect and fear was hurting me and I was taught to be quiet and obey.

I would run past her bedroom and cry in the shower as a nine or 10-year-old after he would do horrible things to me.

I'd sit there confused, knowing there was really nobody that I could turn to.

[dark tone] [soft music] Where was my grandma?

And who knew?

[soft music] She was very sick at that point.

She had problems with her heart.

I thought if I told her that I would destroy her.

[soft music] She wasn't allowed to work or drive.

All she had to rely on was this man that-- who knows--maybe abused her.

[wind rustling] She couldn't protect me.

I think she wanted to.

She died a year after the abuse.

[somber music] [thunder rumbles] [vocalizing] [somber music] - Estuvimos mucho tiempo cerca, y por qu no me dijistes eso cuando fue eso?

- Por qu no?

Porque tena 10 aos y yo estaba confundida porque mi abuelo me estaba tocando la vagina... - Ay, ay, ay.

- Y estaba traumada, - tena miedo... - Y sigues traumada.

Todava sigues traumada.

- T te vas a morir muy pronto.

Por qu no lo puedes decir?

- Es tu palabra contra la ma y el nico que me va a juzgar es Dios.

- What are you afraid of?

- [chuckles] Mira... - El asunto es que--que es algo que no hice.

Esa la soastes o algo as.

- Cmo voy a soar tres veces lo que me hiciste?

Cmo voy a soar que mis primas que ellas ya tambin me han dicho lo que hicistes?

- De dnde sacan ustedes esas mentiras?

Porque no--no existi nada de eso.

Cmo voy a...?

- T ests inventando cosas.

No, mujercita.

T ests inventando esas cosas.

Ests metiendo tambin a otras personas - que ni siquiera... - Ellas me dijeron.

- Yo solamente te ruego que te acerques a Dios y que no... - Eres un cobarde.

Eres un cobarde.

- l es--l es mi testigo.

- Siempre lo has sido.

- l es mi testigo.

- Eres cobarde - y siempre lo has sido.

- Est bien.

Que Dios te bendiga.

Adis.

- Cobarde.

[hangs phone up] - I was angry that my family hadn't held him accountable for what he did.

There were still children at risk.

I made the decision to report it to the police.

I went by myself.

I made the report.

On the walk home from the station, it just hit me.

A stranger passed by me and said, "Jesus loves you."

And all these birds started flying everywhere.

Something in that moment brought me back to the grandfather I knew before he abused me.

I walked up to a big oak tree, sat down and put my hands on it, and wept.

I was grieving.

- It wasn't that I wanted him to spend the rest of his life in a prison.

I had hoped for his rehabilitation.

To know my grandfather was capable of taking responsibility for the harm he inflicted.

[phone line trilling] - Hello?

- Hello?

- Are you there?

- Yeah, I'm here.

- You can hear me?

- Yeah.

- Hey, is Sara OK?

- Why?

- Reason I'm asking, I'm worried about her.

- Yeah, she's not doing well.

- Because she hasn't really even let me talk to Amelia for a while.

So I know she's not doing good.

[chatter] - Sara!

[tranquil music] - Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Sara - It wasn't just my grandfather.

It was also my father.

I was about 16 when I learned that he abused my sister.

- Hurry up!

The candles are going out.

- Hey, pretty good.

- I was 13 when it happened.

We had went to visit him for I think Easter break.

And I didn't say anything, of course, to anybody.

And it was, like, two years later.

I think you had got him a Father's Day card, and you and Ralph signed it, and I spit on it.

- I remember fighting with you about it to sign it, sign it, sign it, and you were taking forever.

And then finally, you signed it, but you closed it.

And it was super wet.

- I hocked a loogie in it.

That was the most damage I could think to do.

- In paradise That's where I want to be Just you and me - I had just gone through that with our grandfather.

I think I had my back turned towards you and sitting on the bed and told you that I believed you, and that was kind of the end of our conversation.

- You said you believed me.

I remember it being a heavy thing, too.

And I felt like there was more but I couldn't handle more, so I didn't say anything.

Because we weren't taught to talk about things.

both: I still love you just as much as before So laughing boy - I did report it.

He did get arrested.

And they sentenced him to three months and to be deported.

And then after that it was like, you didn't talk about it.

Nothing.

Everything was fine.

You go on with your life.

That's it.

[chatter] - I kinda feel like I [bleep] up the family a little bit.

- You didn't [bleep] up the family.

That was-- - No, but I felt like it and that's how I was, I think, looked at for a little bit.

- It's very obvious to me that she did not handle your abuse well, and she did not help you through that abuse.

- No.

- Yet now she is supporting me so much.

- The person that's supposed to protect you, take care of you-- your mother--doesn't.

[somber music] [chatter] - My mother couldn't be there for my sister.

And for my sister, that was a growing wound.

[speaking Spanish indistinctly] - I don't think my mother was empowered enough of a person.

She was still a product of my grandfather's household.

She really is trying to do the work.

I think you are very afraid to be direct with her.

- Nothing she can say or do is going to change how I feel about it.

No apology is going to change it.

I haven't quite finished working on all of that.

- How are you working on that?

- I'm not.

[laughs] I go see the counselor at the Vet Center but it's mainly day-to-day stuff.

- There's different things I have to work on, I guess.

Like what I went through and then-- stuff happened in the Navy.

It's like, "What do you want to fix first?"

- Mm.

Like assault stuff in the Navy?

- Mm-hmm.

So it's--it's been difficult to try to work all that out.

One hand.

- I am.

- OK, that's it.

That's it, that's it, that's it.

- Do you think you'll tell her about our family?

- I mean, I've told her that my biological father hurt me, trying to be as age-appropriate with her as possible.

- It is too much.

- I think I got enough off.

Now can you get the circle you wanna put?

- Like this.

[buzzing] [laughs] - It can be very difficult sometimes because I'm determined to heal, so I push.

But Sara can't sometimes.

I had to acknowledge that that is her process right now, and that's OK. - How are you doing, Sandra?

- OK. Just OK. - I'm right with you.

- [laughs] - She fell.

- I fell again.

That was a bad fall, Cathy.

- Why?

Why did you fall?

- I just fell like a saco de papa.

Boom.

[laughs] - You weren't drinking, were you?

- No, I wasn't drinking.

- OK, what is prayer, and how can a disciple pray effectively?

Prayer is transparent dialogue.

And it takes time, but then we become transparent with Him.

Amen.

We even open that one closet door and show Him.

- What if you do open that closet door and that makes you doubt your faith?

You're praying to God.

You're trying to get something done.

And then situations happen.

- Yeah.

Situations happen.

Yeah.

- In the process of these years since Jasmin told me, I've had two breakdowns.

I smelled eucalyptus.

I saw a lime cream color.

The therapist and myself think my father molested me.

- Would you like to take some deep breaths with me?

- Yes.

- I want you to take some big belly breaths, just inhaling deeply, just letting the energy flow.

Just let it flow.

It's all working out, step by step.

And you can just breathe and let go.

Just let the energy flow.

[waves crashing] Any thoughts that came up for you or any feelings that came up for you with that?

- I feel like I have to reach out to Sara and talk about it, even though I dread that conversation.

- OK. - Not for me-- I dread it for her not to hurt.

You know?

- OK. - My part is OK.

I know I'll wig out.

I know I might even have dreams but I want her to heal.

- How would you like for it to go?

- That she could totally, totally spill her guts.

Totally, totally let all that anger out.

Even if it's telling me off, even if it's-- whatever, just to get it out.

- OK.

Even though I'm feeling a bit uneasy, I choose to deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I'm feeling a bit uneasy, I choose to deeply and completely love and accept myself.

I am breathing deeply.

- [breathes deeply] - I know that the energy is just flowing through me.

I know that I am taken care of.

I am learning so much about myself in this process.

- [breathing deeply] [tapping chest] [breathing deeply] [tranquil music] [soft music] - [laughs] [deep breathing continues] - I'm so proud of you.

[vocalizing] [emotional music] [ticking] [humming] - Whoa!

I love you.

[humming] - I just received two text messages.

The news that I received was that my grandfather has died.

Part of me is incredibly relieved and glad because I know he's gone now, and he can't hurt anyone.

Part of me is upset that he was never really held accountable.

I wonder who's gonna cry for him.

I wonder who's gonna think of me and the other survivors.

I wonder if it would bring me peace to see him lying in a coffin.

I wonder how this is affecting everyone else.

I heard that one aunt is glad.

I suspect that's because of what he may have done to her.

[birds chirping] [ranchera music] [ranchera music] My grandfather wrote his life story decades before he died.

He gave the book to my mother for safekeeping.

[birds chirping] [ranchera music] Primera pgina.

Voy a dar principio a mi historia desde que yo era un nio.

I didn't learn about the writing until after his death.

As I grappled with what this all meant, I connected with the child in those stories.

Cuando iba a la iglesia, el cura, cuando me estaba confesando, me desabrochaba la bragueta y jugaba con mi pene.

En ese tiempo, yo no saba nada del sexo.

Crea que era parte de la confesin.

Despus supe.

[ranchera music] I now understood how this harmful person came to be.

Like me, that boy was an abused child.

And I hope he's finally at peace.

[birds chirping] [gentle music] Good morning.

So I want you to send me a little recording on your phone.

Tell me what you see and feel.

- Hey, so I'm on my break from work.

I'm feeling pretty good, pretty calm.

There was a cat earlier on the roof.

I took a picture of it for Amelia.

She likes to hear about any cats or dogs I see every day.

[laughing] - Hello, it's me.

I'm feeling relaxed.

- [laughs] Right now I just see some birds outside and sunlight coming in.

[soft music] - [laughs] You should have brought my Ta Sandra with you.

- Rawr!

[soft music] [waves crashing] [soft music] - My grandfather, Gilberto Jimnez Romero, will be buried today.

As a father and minister, he built power to control and manipulate his children and family into silence.

The silence lasted for generations.

The silence ended with me and my beautifully courageous cousins.

Goodbye forever, Grandfather.

Today and always, I dance, and I rise.

[waves crashing] [vocalizing] [soft music] [singing] - Yo quisiera ser un ave Yo quisiera ser el sol Yo quisiera ser un ave Yo quisiera ser el sol Amarillo es el canario - If you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual abuse, information and resources are available at pbs.org/silentbeauty, or by calling 1-800-656-HOPE.

[vocalizing]