POV

[ Fire crackling, wind rushing ] -I think I know what happened to you, but you've never really talked about it.

-Well, you kind of know what happened.

Without even discussing it, I think it's kind of apparent.

Yeah.

It was just kind of whenever he saw me, something would happen.

And then when you get into a state like that, you just become paralyzed.

So...yeah.

-Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I'm sorry that happened, Mom.

-Yeah, I know.

Well, he's dead now, so... Not that that's, you know...

But it's kind of, like, one of those things where, again, it wasn't my fault.

I didn't do anything...

I didn't do anything to provoke it, even though his wife said I did, which made it even worse.

-I didn't know that.

-Hm.

-Wow.

-Mm-hmm.

'Cause he told her that.

How's an 11-year-old gonna do that?

-Yeah.

-Mm-hmm.

-Do you feel that this experience affects you now as an adult?

-You can't undo something.

Once it's done, it's in there.

I remember everything.

Our family was such that you don't talk about anything.

So I just had to figure out how to deal with things.

Literally on my own.

-Laura Berry had invited me to go hang out with her and her mom and her mom's boyfriend.

-Oh, yeah.

-And I really, really wanted to go.

And you kind of snapped and you kind of yelled at me.

-[ Laughs ] Yeah.

-I think that's the first time that I knew that you had had any kind of abuse because I think -- You told me that, "You can't just trust anyone and you don't know this man."

And... As an adult now, I understand that.

But as a kid, it was just kind of terrifying.

And then it sort of got to the point where...

I don't want to talk about things.

-Mm-hmm.

-The response might scare me.

-I couldn't control that visceral...

I guess, fear.

I'm not gonna have a repeat... -Mm-hmm.

-...of what happened to me.

I never learned proper coping skills.

So I felt overwhelmed a lot.

And it's like now looking back on pictures of you kids...

I just think like, "Oh, look!

They were so precious and so cute!"

But I couldn't appreciate you guys at all.

[ Chimes ringing ] Trying to get through the day was like... ...trying to climb a mountain every day.

Just trying to get through a simple day... ...it was just overwhelming for me.

One incident in particular that happened that just haunts me to this day -- And I don't even know if you remember.

I was trying to get ready to go to school -- or I had some place I had to be or you had someplace -- We had to be there.

But I just yelled at you at the top of my lungs.

"We have to get out of here!"

You know how often -- "We have to get going!"

And I just remember you just crying so much that you threw up.

Do you remember that?

[ Water running ] I just knew how upset you were that I was yelling.

And I couldn't control the yelling.

I just couldn't control it!

I just -- Oh.

[Crying] Just thinking about it.

It's so terrible.

-I just wanted to understand better.

-Yeah.

-It just made me want to shut down.

It made me want to... ...be quiet and appeasing and all the things that I feel like I am as an adult.

-I regret that we don't get to, you know, like, go out for lunch and just have talks or something.

I don't know.

I thought maybe neither one of you girls wanted to do that because you... just don't like me very much.

I just wasn't very good at opening up to.

Even though I tried.

[ Indistinct conversation ]