POV

Vehicle reverse signal beeping

-That's how we do it in the hood. -That is not how we do this in the hood. -Always ignoring the "No Trespassing" signs. -What are you talking about? We didn't even see them. -It's scary, man.

Laughter

I think I'm gonna die. -We have a long way to go. We're not even halfway. -Okay. Let's do it. Let's go up. We're already going up. Come on, Kyle. -No, I'm not going up. We're going down. -We're going right back down. -I just got the courage to do this! -It's over. I'm bailing out. -Okay. Good. I am -- I am with you. I don't want to die. -Your whole life, society tells you like, "Oh, be a man, and you're strong, and you're tough. And margaritas are gay." You know? Like, you know, you don't grow up thinking that's the way you are. When you're a kid, you just do, you just act. And then, somewhere along the line, everyone loses that.

Laughter

-I really wanted to clean up before you came over. I actually spend, like, the majority of my time here alone. -Why do you think that is? -It's mainly just because, like, I always felt like I didn't fit in with my family. It seems like they don't understand why I skateboard in the first place.

Sighs

-Oh, do not shoot that at my house! -Sorry. I wanted to. -See, this is why we're not allowed to go anywhere, is this right here. -Ow! -Aah! -If you go behind a tree, you're okay. You got cover.

Fireworks popping

-Are you gonna put me smoking weed in the thing? -Maybe. I don't think just to do it. -I've given you free range. I mean, I have no stipulation.

Coughing

I've always needed more out of life, more out of where I was. You know, my parents ran this very controlling house, and so I ran away a lot. By, like, 16, I was no longer living with my parents, like, at all. I just wanted to...skate. -Ready for some... intense action? Take one. -No! - I'm gonna send myself an invitation Say hello to the video life -I can see that thing in there moving around, Bing. I know you're playing with my face or something. -Stop filming, or he's going to crash. - Hope I get there right on time -Somebody, film! Somebody, film!

Laughter

-There's the cops. - Video -Aah! -No, don't do it hard! -

Laughs

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! - In remote control Video life -Dude, I'm, like, bleeding. It's like ink. - Starts right here -How long have you known Keire? -Man, honestly, when I met Keire, he was, like, 11. He'd ride the bus to the park, and then he'd pretty much be stuck at the park. He would have to ask everyone for money so he could get enough for the bus home. -Well, I remember the first time I met him, I was standing where the bikers transfer, and this dude hit me, like, right in the ribs with his pegs, and I remember Zack. He just starts screaming at this kid. "I'm gonna...beat your ass." Like, blah, blah, blah! So I was like, "I want to be like that guy." - For fear of aerial warfare Right here in your room -What did you think of me when we were growing up and I was filming all of us? -Like, I always thought it was cool how you can put all of these different moments into, like, one long video, and you just make it seem like the best time ever. - Start negotiations -God, no. You've been filming the whole time? I thought you were, like, taking a picture. - On the late, late show -Aah! - Switch off -

Laughs

She just drove by and didn't even care! - Baby, baby, I love you so -Yes, yes, yes! Whoo! -Skateboarding is more of a family than my family. -We formed a family together, like, to look out for each other because no one else was looking out for us. - Video life -No, I'm not jumping in. It can be 3 feet. I'll just be like, "Oh...I'm drowning!"

Laughter

-No more smoking weed in the house. That's no more smoking cigarettes in the house, either. -Okay. -Which I've tried to break myself of a while ago, but there's so much trash on my porch. Like, I just can't go back out there and smoke. -I don't know. I guess, like... -It's just a bunch of boxes from baby stuff. -It's boxes! It's baby... -You know how hard baby... is to put together? Do you know how ridiculous that...is? And there's like -- They have five different languages on the instructions, but not English, and I'm like, "Why couldn't I have just bought this?" I don't understand why I had to buy a box and put it together. -Doesn't make any...sense. I can't believe that she's just gonna have the baby, and then they're just gonna be like, "Okay. Here's your baby. Go home." I feel like, somewhere along the line, there should be, like, a class for this or something that I should've taken, that I'm...up. -I feel like life might be moving too fast. We have to fully grow up, and it's gonna...suck. -Hey, Kyle, how are you gonna get down off the roof?! -Yeah, I'm fine! I'm gonna watch the fireworks. -How are we gonna get you down, man? -A ladder! No, I can jump! -We don't have a ladder, Kyle. -I'm having a good time because I'm up on the top level of my...roof, and you want to know why? -Kyle, this isn't a joke! Get off the... -No, it's not a joke. -You're all way on the...roof. -Like, America's...birthday, dude. And guess what. In the land of the...free... -Dude, I'm telling you. -...I am on this son-of-a-bitching roof, dude. Land of the...free on this sum-bitchin' roof. Fireworks, dude! Yes. Whoo! -Oh, my God. Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Yoo! -Oh, my God, dude. -Bless America!

Baby crying

-Shh.

Baby crying

-I never thought I'd be okay with changing a diaper, but I'm pretty okay with it. -We've been tag-teaming it, though, so it's easier. -Yeah, it was so funny because I had Zack give the baby a bottle, and Keire was like, "Oh, my God," like, freaking out. -Yeah, it weirded him out the whole time. -He's like, "I can't believe you're actually a dad." -

Laughs

He thrashing.

Baby coos

Oh, don't be grumpy. I would do anything for that kid. I want to give him every opportunity I possibly can to help him succeed, help him be happy, to be a good person. It's interesting how much having a kid will force you to, like, grow up. Like, I can't get home from work and drink a 12-pack like I normally do because, like, what if I have to get up and, like, feed the kid, or, you know, what if something happens and I have to take him to the hospital? Like, I don't know. Lately, I've been having a lot of anxiety about not feeling like a grown-up and not feeling like I've done enough things to set my life up properly, and it's time I do something, you know? -Okay, so, I need you to read over all of these. These are the rules of the testing center. -Okay. No cellphone. No computer. -Where do you work at? -I'm a roofer. -That's hard work. -It is. That's why I'm taking this.

Both chuckle

I couldn't understand what they wanted me to do, you know? Like, by the way it was written, I just -- I was having trouble. I just didn't understand. That was rough. -How are you today? What time is it? Ohh.

Chuckles

Oh, man. -I'm at home. Bring me some cigarettes and a beer for me. I'll pay you when you get here. Talking about Keire and his skateboarding, y'all. Y'all know Keire and his skateboarding. -Oh, yeah, he be doing his little thing. -What's good, cousin? I like talking...to him, you know, being a little brother, you know, being the youngest brother, you know? You got to think about it -- if he wasn't the youngest, he'd probably been running the streets with us. You know what I'm saying? - Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do Socks. -Keire is... He's quite different from the others. I think about it a lot because I want him to start getting real serious about what he's gonna be doing. -I turned 18 in November. Ever since then, I just feel like I could get a good job or get, like, a job -- just a job in general. But I don't know. I'm becoming a man, and, like, I feel like that's something I got...over on because, like, my childhood was a really...time.

Indistinct shouting

-What the...is wrong with you, throwing your...board at me?! -Hey, kid, what happened? What did he do? -Still want to fight me now?! -What happened? -You know what? Hey! -Yeah. Yeah. -Keire, he held in a lot. And his dad, you know, he was really kind of strict on him. You know, his father was... He was a carpenter, and he wanted Keire to do that because he couldn't get the other boys to, you know, follow in his footsteps. But Keire didn't like it. -Hurry! -Really hard, really hard. -Yeah! -Do it! Do it! -I don't know. Sometimes I know that I have to work with him, so I will sneak out my window, like -- I throw my board out first and just climb out. -When I got home, I got disciplined, and I wasn't able to skate for a while. -How did you get disciplined? -Uh, I mean, well, they call it child abuse now, but it's -- I mean --

Chuckles

Bitch! Ugh! That...makes you angry. Like -- oh, God. It, like, boils my blood, dude. Like, ugh.

Screams

-How bad did it get? Like, did you ever cry? -Oh, of course. Of course. Like, I mean...

Chuckles

Wouldn't you? -I did cry. -I feel like everybody cries. -Is this the board you bought here? -Uh... -I think you did a while ago. I remember. We had this board in the shop. -I don't buy boards that much anymore because I don't skate that much anymore. -Dude, tell me about it. I don't skate nearly enough. I don't really remember when I first met you. I just -- You were just that kid that was always there, you know? Like, you'd come into the skate shop. I don't know. We'd talk about random stuff. And I can't remember when you opened up to me about your mom and stuff, but I didn't... You never really told me about anything about what was going on with you. But, like, I could tell with you from the very beginning, like, skateboarding meant more to you than just being cool and having friends. Like, it was your thing to, like, get away. It was kind of a life-or-death thing. -To other people, it's funny, ha-ha, you know? Oh, these guys are crazy. But in reality, I think it's a control thing. You have to control the most minute, small details to make you feel normal in a world that's not normal. -It would kind of be like a drug in a way. Like, I could seriously be on the verge of having a mental breakdown, but as long as I'm able to go skate, then I'm completely fine.

Laughs

Yeah! -Here goes nothin'. -As soon as the effect of the drug wears off, it just comes back to you. -So what happened? Did we get paid yesterday or...? -I don't know. -I don't know, either. I need my hours, man. I got kids to feed! Dude, my boss is seriously such an... It is crazy. Like, they're understaffed now. And he just told me to clock out.

Sighs

My budget is already spent up for a week, so I'm a week behind every time, so now I have to figure out how to come up with three extra hours on a schedule that I'm barely...on. -According to research from the University of Illinois, about 47% of all Rockford workers, 60,000 total, earn less than $15 per hour. -Rockford has struggled with unemployment for years. Companies have left, so have the jobs. -Out of all of Illinois, Rockford has seen the largest number of people move away since 2010. -How many people are gonna be at that table? -It could be anywhere from 12 to 15. -Great. -Yeah, you took the hardest one. Good job. -There you go. There you go. Get you all lined up there. Come on, bud. I feel weird because, like -- I don't know. Because I, like, talk to my baby. Like, baby-voice him. But, I mean, he's a...baby. That's how you talk to them. You know what I mean? I'm not gonna be like, "All right, Eliot. We're gonna put your clothes on, little buddy." It's, like, she works, and I watch him, or I work, and she watches him. I don't know, and other than that, we're both pretty much around. All right. Here you go! That that action you wanted? Is that that action you like? It's a hard-knock life being a baby. It's got to be stressful. You saved a bunch of time by not having to walk and go to the bathroom, but... And then someone just cleans it for you. Someone feeds you every three hours. See, I've been off work all week, which normally never happens. I haven't left this house in five days 'cause I haven't had time to do anything, and I get cooped up super, super easily, so that, you know, has been driving me nuts. What you want? You want to come over here? Ahh. Hey! Mama's here! How was work? -Enh. -All right. Are you gonna feed him? -No, I told you to. I have to, like, get ready and meet Jess. -What? You did not tell me that. -Yeah, I did. -You said, "I'm gonna feed him." You can't just feed him? And now you're going out to the bar? You can't feed your...kid? -Five months. You can't do it one day? -You can't feed him? Like, what the...? I'll feed him the bottle. Just feed him the solid food. That's all I want you to do. -The jar is only 3 ounces. He'll drink that in, like, five minutes. -And then I got to take care of him all...night still. -I haven't even gotten my...jacket off. -Why can't you just feed him? That's what I don't understand. -I was a stay-at-home mom, and you said, "I work. You take care of Eliot." And I did. And now I'm working. -Right,

and you show up somewhere between 8

00

and 9

00. Just in...time to put him to bed. -That's a lie, too. That happened twice. -Last night was the only night you stayed home all...week. -That's a...lie, and you know it! -Whatever. You're an idiot. Just go away. -No, you're a...idiot. -

Sighs

and 9

I mean, she's, like, going through something now where she's, like, newly 21 and, like, wants to go out every night, and I told her. I'm like, "You had a kid. Like, too late." I love that girl, you know? I do want to be with her. I just want her to chill the...out. -My friend, like, messaged me. He was like, "Hey, I can get you a job tomorrow, like, if you want it." And I was like, "Yeah," but he was like, "But just to warn you, it's really hard work." I don't like telling people that I'm a dishwasher, but then again, I really don't care because it's, like, how I make money.

Chuckles

and 9

It's, like, definitely my first real job. But I just don't want to, like, work some, like, job that I hate for the rest of my life. -The Main Street Skatepark, a.k.a. The Park Zack Built. -Main Street Skatepark was a skate park I had started with a guy that had run a gym for a long time, and he was looking for an extra source of income during the winter months. You know, I had told him, "I have all this wood. We could build a skate park." I'm calling it the Keire box right now because it's really weird-shaped and long and crazy. -

Laughs

and 9

What the...? -That's how you are, too. Keire just walks around like... Just lanking. Like, your arms are 6 feet in front of you at all times. We have 2x4's. Boom. -

Laughs

and 9

-One and two and three. My father was a carpenter. I learned a lot from him and a lot from my family. In the '80s, my father started a skate park in my grandmother's roller rink, and they managed the only indoor skate park in the area for eight years or something like that. I was kind of raised to, you know, like, do what you want to do, and then, somewhere along the line, he just, like, flipped a switch, like, wanted to become, like, conservative American. All of a sudden, there was all these rules and expectations. They were, like, pushing me into this mold of someone they thought was a good person. And I'm like...that. Like, I remember when I -- You know, like, I was a kid. Like, we...sang punk music and...smoked joints. Like, you know, like...that. All right. Fine. I'll find a babysitter then. And then...you. I guess I'll talk to you later. -First of all, you're supposed

to have him until 6

00 p.m. so I get my Saturday days. -You knew since Monday that I had plans today. -Yeah, but, Zack, you shouldn't have...made plans for a Saturday because this is supposed to be my day. -So you get... -I never get a day to myself. -You get days off all the time. -No, I don't! -I only get two days off a week. -This is supposed to be my day, today. -Okay. Bye, Nina. Ahh. Ain't that just the way? -Have you and Nina ever, like, just tried talking it out? -Successfully? Nope. -He's just so excited. -I know. He's had a good day. We're just playing outside and doing fun stuff, huh? We have a fire going. Oh, yeah, you want to put some boards on it? -Yeah. -Okay. I'll hold the baby. You put some boards on there. -Me and Zack just fought a lot. Eventually, I just had to leave. I'm like, "I can't do this anymore." -Look at Mama. -Especially being a mom, you don't want to see your kid in an environment like that. That should be good, right? -Yeah. -I didn't really have anywhere to go, and my aunt and uncle just wound up being like, "Hey, we want to help you." -Down there? -Yeah. -In a perfect world, me and Zack would still be together, but I don't know. Like, I want it to work out with him. He just doesn't get it. -Feel like a lot of the parents are not together. Were your parents divorced? Oh, okay. -Well, he stayed with his dad because he told me he could raise him better because he could teach him things that I couldn't. -

Grunts

to have him until 6

-Really hope that I don't get back in there and there be, like, the same amount of boxes. You know, like, I lived with my dad, but he kept trying to make me work, like, every single weekend, and I was like, "Come on. Like, I got to skate. I got to skate." Then we got in, like, a fight. He was like, "I'm your dad. Like, you're going to work." And I was just like, "No." Then I tried to punch him. And then I moved out, like, the next day. Actually, one of the last things I said to my dad was that, "I hate you." I was just so...angry because he just kicked my ass. -Did you see any violence in your household when you were growing up? -I don't know, man. That's a tough question. It's hard -- It depends on what you determine as violent. Like, when I was kid, if I was...up, I got my ass whupped. I feel like everyone does. I mean... some people got it worse than other people. -

Chuckles

to have him until 6

Yeah. This was my dad's closet, specifically. And he'd hide everything right here, like my PlayStation controllers, entire computers, toys. And then his vintage porn was, like, in the corner right there in a stack... along with, like, several firearms that were on the floor. I used to judge my relationship with my father based on, like, a day-to-day basis on how many things I've done to piss him off in that given day. And this day that I was here playing on the computer felt like a good day, that I hadn't done anything wrong. It all went without a hitch. We hadn't talked very much. There wasn't much opportunity for me to do anything bad. But then he just comes in, looks at me. I turn up and look at him, and he just says that I look stupid, and he walks out, and I thought that was the end of it. I was like, "Oh, well, okay. That's not too bad." But then he comes back in with a pair of, like, meat scissors. And he just starts... He just, like, grabs my head and starts hacking my hair off. This used to be my brother's room. That's true. Um, yeah.

Sighs

to have him until 6

I remember hearing beating and, like, screaming coming from your room, and it was, like... unnerving screams of, like, anguish almost. And it was like......really, really unnerving. It was almost scarring. -Mom. Yeah. I have to wash my clothes and my blankets. And my blankets. I just need to. Thank you. -She said put one in each... -Okay. Thank you. My mom has this new boyfriend. And I don't really like him. -So, do you have a new man in your life? -A new man in my life? -Yeah. -

Laughs

to have him until 6

Ain't that a little personal there?

Laughs

to have him until 6

Ohh. Yeah? I'll be back in a minute. - Happy birthday, dear Eliot Happy birthday to you

Cheers and applause

to have him until 6

-He's so...

Laughs

to have him until 6

Look up.

Indistinct conversations

to have him until 6

-Ohh, Eliot. It's all over your neck. My family, when I grew up, we were all very distant. It was very chaotic, and I'd just stay in my room the whole time. I think 'cause of the way that I grew up, like, I really desperately craved love. -

Laughs

to have him until 6

-Ooh. -I think my dad had me when he was 21, and my mom left when I was, like, 2 or something, and so I think I was always looking for something from my dad that I didn't get, like maybe something I was supposed to get from my mom. -Oh, no. It's okay. It's okay. -That is so awesome. -Eliot, rip that off. -Oh. -Ahh! -Yeah!

Indistinct shouting

to have him until 6

-All right! -Hi, baby. I loves you. Give me a hug. -Love you, Nina. -I was telling Bing about how you went on a date with Katie, and I almost killed her. -Yeah. -It was bad. No, like, I usually don't get like that, but...

She showed up at 11

00 at night with this other girl ready to fight. You see this? You see what I'm dealing with all the time? This little bitch. Oh. Oh, yeah. Real slick there. -Whoo! -You got this. -All right, man. Here it is.

Applause

She showed up at 11

-That trick made me want to touch my body, Keire. I'm not gonna lie. -If you want to take a shower... -Oh, my God. -Ohh. That was crazy. -Like, this is the result of all those times that I've ran away from home to the skate park. Like, I would love for my dad to see how much progress I've made since I was a little...head trying to skateboard. Like, it would bother me. Maybe he would just be like, "Ah, damn. You weren't just wasting your life." -Now, I was not aware there was so... -I know their relationship is definitely strained, and I don't think Keire really realized how much his dad meant to him until his dad actually did pass away. -The day that my dad died, I had just got out of school, and it was, like, a Friday, and I had just got off the bus. My mom was just, like, freaking out. As soon as I got home, she was, like, freaking out, and she was like, "He's gone, he's gone," and I didn't want to, like, believe it, so I was all mad at her for, like, saying that. I was like, "Dad is strong. He's not dead." I was like, "Whatever." And they, like, brought him out on the stretcher, and I was just like, "Holy... Like, he actually looks kind of dead right there." And I was just like -- And, um... I don't know. It just -- I don't know. Uh, it's weird. It's just -- It's just really difficult for me to explain it right now. -Hey. -Well, hey, there, bud. -Eliot. -That's for sure. -Hi, bud. Ready? Try and play with Daddy.

Keyboard playing

She showed up at 11

Buddy, like this. Just one finger. Just one.

Discordant notes play

Eliot giggling

She showed up at 11

-And I'll hold him for a second, so you... Yeah, come here. -Yeah! Are we gonna make it to the poles? We're gonna make it! Whoa!

Siren wails

She showed up at 11

-So, what have you guys been up to? -Uh, Lately, we've been adjusting to -- I don't know. Like, I ask if I can see my son, like, every day, and I only get to see him, like, three times a week. It's really been bumming me out, and she's been, like -- She's talking a bunch of... you know, calling me a piece of... and all this stuff. And it got out of control, man. I don't know. -So, this is the video.

Indistinct shouting

She showed up at 11

-Because I hate you! And I will...stab you! I will...stab you in the...Zack! Die! Die! Die! -It's so.... -Get off me! -Then stop it! -Die! Die! -Are you gonna stop?

Indistinct shouting

She showed up at 11

'Cause you're asking for it! -Kyle showed me some recordings of you and Zack fighting. -I bet he did. -What were those fights about? What were they like? -Well, if he showed you the one where I'm like, "Zack, I'm gonna... kill you right now," he beat my ass 10 minutes before Kyle took that video, and he didn't decide to record that part. You know, I've got a scar going down my eyebrow. I've got -- He broke his coffee tables with my body.

Chuckles

She showed up at 11

Like, obviously I'm not in the state of mind. Like, I'm going crazy at this point because I'm a little girl, you know what I mean, and you have wasted Zack doing all that, and then it's like, "Yeah, I'm gonna, yeah, like, of course I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna...kill you if you do, you know?" I don't know. -I didn't know that. Why was he hitting you? -Um, he gets wasted. He, you know, will start fighting, and then he'll take it completely out of control. I mean, that's not the first time it's happened, either, that recording. We just kind of ignore it like it didn't happen. So... -In a way, your footage will offset with my footage because this is the only time that I haven't shot for the movie, so it's, like, it, you know -- So, like, even during the interview when you, like, shoot me and getting my reaction shots, it will, like -- I don't know. We moved to Rockford when I was 8 or 9, and my mom met my stepfather. One day when she was working at the pizza restaurant, this man came in. He had been a regular. He had seen her before. And he started getting to know her, and then one day he followed her home, found out where we lived, and... Then he became my stepdad.

Chuckles

She showed up at 11

But, you know, I think I was blaming her for sort of abandoning me when I was a kid. Mom, can you clap your hands just in front of your face? Okay. -What's that for? -It's for a sound thing for later. -Oh. -Um, so I'm curious. Who is Dennis? Oh. -Sorry. Okay. -Who is Dennis? Why did you ask that? -Because... -You know who he is. -Well, I don't feel like I know who he is. Did you know that the first time I was ever alone with him, that's when he grabbed me? -He did -- Wait. What? -The first time I was ever alone with him was the first time he grabbed me and beat me. -Beat you? -Yeah. I mean, how much did you know about what was happening? Because you were always gone working, because he had retired pretty soon after you and him married. -Right. -And so you weren't home that much. I was just with him. -I think... Uh... I don't know what to say now. I wish I can go over, redo again, do differently, but I really... I don't know what to say now. It's all past. I --

Sighs

She showed up at 11

I did not know he was that bad. I did not know he's that bad, especially behind me. I was... Ahh. I wish I was stronger than I wasn't. I don't know. I... I don't know what to say. -What -- I mean, but didn't he... When was the first time that he hurt you? -I don't know what happened. He come to choke me. Yeah, he had a few times. But the thing is, as I tell you, was him... -They say Rockford is ranked as the number-two most dangerous city with a population under 200,000 people. -Last year, the Department of Justice created a 63-page report just for Rockford to help it with its violent-crime problem. -The Rockford Police Department presenting final crime statistics for 2015. About a fourth of that violent crime can be attributed to domestic-violence incidents. -

Belches

Cellphone rings

She showed up at 11

Hello? All right. I'll be down in, like, 5 minutes. Hold on. How's work?

Music playing on radio

She showed up at 11

I like your hair. -It was okay. -It's all swirly.

Chuckles

She showed up at 11

I'm sorry. I won't be nice to you next time. I'll not say anything. No, your hair looks like... Nina, and you're welcome. -Be nice to me. -Na-na-na-na-na. -Stop. Zack, I'm driving.

Laughter

She showed up at 11

Stop. I'm driving. You're a kid.

Eliot wails

She showed up at 11

You're freaking Eliot out. -Eliot is not freaked out. Maybe he's a little freaked out.

Laughs

She showed up at 11

-Stop. -All right. I'll be back. Veggie burrito, potatoes, horchata. - I'm feeling half alive, but I know... -So you guys are looking better than ever? -I feel like he's just going to let me down again, so if I don't take him seriously, you're not gonna be let down, so I'm just, like, going with it, I guess. To him? -Yeah. -Don't. That's a bad -- That is -- No. -I just think it's so prevalent, the, like, violence towards women, and I saw it towards my mother, and I just think it's... -Right. I don't think they're... -I think she had the same idea. She was like, "I don't want to speak up," you know? -Right, I mean, I don't know. Especially, like, with me and him, like, kind of being okay right now and, like, hanging out, like, all that would go down the drain. -Okay. -But, yeah. That took a long time. -It was 50 bucks. -It was $50? -Yeah. -I'm...beat, dude. Like, I don't know what else to say. I'm beat. Wait a second. Dude, what's today? I thought it was...Friday. I don't have to go back to work.

Laughs

She showed up at 11

Yes! Oh, my God! Yes! Oh, my God. I got my car probably a month or two ago. How many people do you know have a portable ledge on the back? I quit.

Chuckles

She showed up at 11

I feel like if I stay here, I'm just gonna get stuck here. But, like, moving out has just always been scary. Like, I don't want to just move out and by the time rent comes around, I don't have the money because then I look stupid and irresponsible. -What's good, Merlin? -Yo. -Yo, we're filming that rap video. -We're filming a rap video. We just don't have the cars. -Ain't y'all got women, either? Where's all the women? -No. We're not guilty. -That's what they all say. -We didn't do it. -She's like, "That's what they all say." Like, see that...there, like, and, like, right above the speedometer? I have, like, my registration and my insurance and my license. -So you don't have to reach for anything in your pockets. -Because, dude, a cop is like, "License and registration," and I was like, "Sure," and I reached over there to, you know, the glove box, but the cop over there was like... And I'm just like, "Oh, like, whoa! Don't...shoot me." They're like, "Calm down." I was like, "What do you mean calm down?" -You guys...calm down. -You pulled your gun on me for, like, obeying what you said. -It's just a bunch of....man. -Did you see that one? -At, like, the gas station? -And he's like, "Give me your driver's license." -That...terrifies me. -So the guy turns around and goes in his car to get his driver's license, and the cop just shoots him, like, four times. -I can die here really easily. -This is gonna suck. -Here. No. This is, like, the funniest video ever. I have to show you guys. -Thug niggas, door niggas, Asian niggas, white niggas. -Suck my...bitch! -Hundreds of niggas just waiting for your...call. They all talking...about you. Call these... -Growing up, my dad would always tell me, "Keire, like, you know, you have a lot of white friends, but don't forget that you're black." -You want to go and take a nap, buddy? -Hi! -I'm gonna try to lay him down for a nap. -Let me have a kiss first! I get him first!

Smooching

She showed up at 11

-We didn't, like, hug or anything in my family, so when I first moved out from me and Zack's apartment, like, my aunt would give me a hug every night before I went to bed, and it was so weird to me at first. I'd be like, "Ugh. Like, you're touching me. Like, don't, please." And then after a while, it was, like, "Okay, I'm gonna bed." You know, "Where's my hug?" Like, now I know what I want my family to be like someday. -How have you and Zack been? -I mean, I don't go one day without thinking about him or, like, worrying about him or, like, wishing he'd call and, like, you know, like, not even just for me, but for Eliot, too. Like... I don't know. -Why do you put up with that, though? -I mean, even though I've seen the worst of him, I've, you know -- I know that there's a lot of good things about him, too.

Indistinct conversations

She showed up at 11

-I need fries, please, for this steak sandwich! Here you are, sir. -Thank you. -All right. I'll go grab you a menu. -Seriously, man. -

Laughs

She showed up at 11

This is just, like, so much better than being back there and having to do all of that.

Laughs

She showed up at 11

With Zack, we have drifted apart a little bit just because, like, I'm not over there, like, every day. I started hanging out with my, like, younger skate friends again. I noticed that, like, they were on a better path. -What classes are you taking? -Graphic arts, technology, graphic design. And I'm just going to try to get, like, something general at first and, like, see what kind of jobs I can get. -So you guys are getting your GEDs? -I am. Evan has his. He graduated. And, like, I don't know. It's just you can just prove people wrong. Oh, yeah. Dude, I remembered something that, like, my dad told me about being black. He said, like, "Being black is cool because you get to prove people wrong, like, every day, and, like, you sound the way that you sound..." You know, it's, like, you just prove them wrong, like, and they're just like, they probably feel a little... for profiling you. -Like, I couldn't even imagine, like, feeling like that. -Yeah, like, I was the only white kid for, like, four years at Ellis in my class, so I learned real quick that, like, "Oh...I'm in trouble." Like, right away, people were, like, mad at me for being white after our, like, first history class. -In reality, you don't have, like, as much say because you are white, and, like... -But I'm educated, though. -You're educated because you went through just as much high school as him? You know more than him? Even though that your, like, race didn't go through the same things as his did. -Because my race went through it doesn't mean I went through it. -He doesn't have, like, the same disadvantages every day that you don't have? -There's a certain class of white that's easy to be white in America, but then, like, if you're, like, trailer-trash white, then it's not easy to live in America. -I feel like it is easy, though. -Yeah. -Like, you can go and just cut your hair and go and get a...job because they're gonna to look at you like... -Like, if you're stupid, you can't do that. -When I was younger, I didn't really understand why my dad would talk about being black so much, but I remember he was like, "If you could choose again, choose to be black." And at first I didn't get it. I was like, "Why would you want to be black when all this... is happening to us?" But he explained it as, like, because we have to deal with these issues, it just makes other things that, like, my white friends would complain about, like, not even be a problem to me. -My father's skate park went under because of a downfall in skateboarding. Mine didn't succeed because I got hooked up with a bad partner. One day, he calls me, and he's like, "Hey, I'm going to go on a vacation," and I...never heard from the dude again, never. Come to find out, the guy had never paid any of our bills. All the money we were making, everything, he just was keeping it. That...me over. I mean, I don't feel like I've done anything I've ever wanted to do with my life. -There it is. That's a five-day notice. I try not to come over here, just like Zack and Kyle don't, clearly. I mean, do you even want to be here? No. -Why's all that...broken? -What? -The ground. -The ground? -Yeah. What is all this? -Poop. This is all poop, dude. -All right. Let's get out of this...place. -What kind of filming are we doing, the kind where I pretend you're not there or the other kind? Where we talk the whole time.

Laughs

She showed up at 11

All right. Think I got it? Ohh! I didn't plan on moving out here at all. Like, this broad that lives out here hit me up. She bought me a plane ticket. Got me, like, a $180 Uber to the...Milwaukee airport. Came out here. I was originally gonna be out here for two weeks, and, like, she's like, "No, you're just going to live with me now." You know, I'm not picky. I was like, "All right." Can you hear me, like, in your headphones right now? -Yeah. -There's liquor in this cup.

Eliot babbles

She showed up at 11

-What? -Mama. -Baby. -

Indistinct

She showed up at 11

-What? -

Indistinct

She showed up at 11

-Zack told me that he was going to Colorado, but he said that he was only going, like, for a couple days, and then he wound up calling me while he was there and like, "Oh, well, I'm gonna stay here." -When he does get stable, he's gonna want to be with Elliot again, and he's gonna want to be a family because that's what he tells me, but then again, all I really have is his word, which I don't even know if that's true because there's so many lies. -You know what I mean? Oh, I'm drunk as.... This is a perfect night. -It's hard to get who Zack actually is because there's so many versions of him that he'll, like, tell you about. It's frustrating 'cause it's like -- You're supposed to be, like, my homey, but I feel like I don't know the real you. -It's okay. He needs to know that there's consequences. Like, you can't just have a child and abandon them. Life doesn't work like that, and he needs a reality check, and I feel like, you know, this is a good way to do that. I'm here to try and start the process of child support. -You said child support? -Maybe that'll also encourage him to want to come around more. It's like, "Maybe if he's paying for him, he'll want to see him," you know? Like, I don't know. I don't know. I'm just trying to do what I can, I guess. -I'm just playing. Don't start crying. Look how much fun jumping is, though, when you don't have to cut... Mom. Mom. She's making noises. -Come on. Come on. -See, everyone loves Grandma. No one likes their uncle. -Okay. -Are you still with your boyfriend? -What boyfriend? -I thought you had a boyfriend for a while. -No, he wasn't no boyfriend. He was a stupid friend. No. He's not around anymore. Thanks goodness.

Indistinct shouting

She showed up at 11

-The older I get, the more I think about it, and I feel like there's a part of me that really loves my family. All right. All right. Calm down. Just... I guess because family will, like, always be there, but, like, friends kind of can come and go.

Laughter

She showed up at 11

-What's up, fool? -What's up, Zack? -All he's done is bitch and moan for the last 10 minutes. -I know. Happy to be home, I'll tell you what. Denver wasn't really, like, my style, and so Sam, my current girlfriend, flew me back out to Rockford. I have Sam's name tattooed on my wrist now. -When did you get Sam's name tattooed on your wrist? -When or why? -Saturday? -I don't know. -Do you feel, like, concerned that Eliot is going to grow up, like, messed up? -I'm 50/50 about it. Lately I have been concerned over my influence on him, and as he gets older, how he's gonna look at the difference between the way his family lives and the way I live. And a lot of people grow up, and they're... "Oh, I'm gonna play football, and I'm gonna go to college, and I'm gonna get this nice office job and start a family and have 2.5 kids and a car in our garage, and everything is just gonna be nice, and I'll buy a boat and a snowmobile." Like...you, you piece of.... Like, just because you're too...weak to make your own decisions and decide what you want to do with your life doesn't mean everyone else has got to be like you.

Chuckles

She showed up at 11

I don't know. I had -- Ask me another question. -I guess my thing is, like, you know, I grew up without knowing my dad. I saw him three times since I was 5, and my stepdad used to beat the...out of me and my mom. -Right. -And so I don't know how I... Why did I choose this life? Not that I'm, like, gonna get married and buy a house. But, like, I don't know. I just... -You want me to comment on your direction? -Yeah. -That's the difference. Like, some people do take their negative experiences and turn them into powerful positive things. I just don't think I'm that type of person. I think I... I've found myself in a position where I was so depressed that I just... I wanted it to just get as bad it could, just as bad as it could until I died. Quit being a wuss. -You're afraid of my knife? You're afraid of my knife? -Take it off. -Quit being a.... - I want you to be mine again, Ashley I know my lifestyle is driving you crazy -Do it. Saw my...head off. Don't be a.... -No! -Aw, you're such a wuss. -I feel like this place just, like, eats away at you. I don't know. I just don't want to get trapped here in Rockford like a lot of people have.

Rap music playing

She showed up at 11

-I tried stashing away my money, and then my brother broke into my room and stole it. If I would have told my dad what my brother did to me, my dad would be, like, on his ass right now. Like, he'd be s-- Oh, my God. I remember this one time. I think I, like, stole something or something. I was like, literally... I was, like, 12 maybe. And I stole something. That was the worst ass-whupping I have ever gotten, but it definitely made me never steal. Like, I was like, "Yeah. Stealing sucks 'cause you get your ass beat, and, like, you burn bridges, and burning bridges isn't cool." Afterwards, after my ass stopped stinging, just, like, he apologized for, like, beating me, and he totally just explained to me that, like, it was just how he was raised. I know that he loved me. Like, that's why he was so hard on me. -So what do you think you've gotten out of this documentary? -It's almost like... free therapy. -Yeah. I'm making this film because I was physically disciplined by my stepfather, and it didn't make sense to me, and I saw myself in your own story. -Hmm. Wow. That's -- Wow, Bing. I had no idea, dude. Wow. That's really cool, though. -My stepmom and my dad? Yeah. I mean, all the time. They -- Most of the time, they argued about me. Like, once or twice, the cops came to my house, but that was when I was young young, maybe, like, 10 or 12, you know what I mean? Not as a teenager. It never got... I don't think it ever got, like, real physical. I think just the fight got real gnarly. I mean, I've called the cops on...Nina, on my baby mama, before. Like, sometimes you just need the fight to stop. -Well... -Oh. I don't know if you filmed the recording. That was a pretty, like, every-other-day occurrence. She just...loses her damn... and she won't shut the...up, and it just keeps escalating and escalating and escalating. And, you know, my deal with women, kind of the way I've dealt with it is, you know, they get all... heated and mad about... and they're complaining about this, and I'm like, "All right. I'm leaving. Bye." But if a...woman is acting a...fool, they've been acting a fool, you've asked them to stop, you've tried to get away from the situation, you have done everything that you can do to avoid the situation peacefully, and she's coming at you, wanting to argue and fight like she's a...man, like, she's ready to hurt you. then y-- You can't beat up women, but some...bitches need to get slapped sometimes. Does that make sense? -You stayed with him because at times he was sweet? So what gave you the strength to finally leave him? -I don't like that. You know. I don't know what to do. -Zack and I went to court for child support, and, you know, it was, like, one of those moments where I was just like, "Wow." Like, "What am I doing with my life?" -Good boy. You're so cool. -You know, on one hand of my brain, I'm like, "You shouldn't be around your kid ever." Like, "You suck." And then on the other hand, I'm like, "No." Like, "This is my child." -"Happy Father's Day. I hope you all get to spend some time with your fathers. The last time I talked to my dad, I argued and fought with him and moved out the next day." -The last time I came here, it was his funeral. -You don't want to think about it. -Not necessarily. I get -- I feel, like, shaky and anxious. I don't really think about him that much. -I've never been able to deal with myself because I'm so busy... I'm not even convincing other people. I'm convincing myself that I'm a good person or... I feel like the clown almost, you know? You paint up your face, and you put on your act for everybody. And you let that act become you. -I've always been something to someone. You know, I was someone's daughter or someone's sister, someone's significant other and then someone's mom, so it's, like, I never got that chance to just, like, figure myself out. -I really wish I just could remember where it is. It's like -- It would, like, make this day a lot better for me if I could just...find it. -I don't want my son... I just don't want him to grow up, you know, like...up like me, you know? I can't let myself think that the reason I have to struggle so hard is 'cause I...suck. I can't -- You know, that's what the drinking is about. That's what it's all about. I just want to hide. I just want to run away. -It's such a crushing, hopeless feeling. It just sucks knowing that you're your own enemy, that every decision you ever made has culminated in how your life is now. And there's no escaping it. -I try to help you. -Well, the reason why I wanted to make this film was maybe I'm... Maybe you're right. Maybe I need to just move on and not dwell on the past. I cut. -Oh, my God. I finally...found it.

Chuckles

She showed up at 11

I'm so...happy. Let's go. I get mad at skateboarding, like, a lot, but at the end of the day, I love it so much that I can't stay mad at it. Yeah. So did my dad, but I love him to death. -I'm about to do this.... Oh, my God. Dude, I'm gonna...do it. Moving to Denver. Ahh.

Television playing

She showed up at 11

-Can't you wait another month? -

Laughs

She showed up at 11

No. -Until it get warm? -No.

Laughs

She showed up at 11

-See you later, baby.

Train whistle blows

She showed up at 11

-Did he get -- He got new shoes? -He got new sneakers today. -Nice. Bye. -Look. I made this for you. - I broke free on a Saturday morning I put the pedal to the floor Headed north on Mills Avenue And listened to the engine roar My broken house behind me And good things ahead A girl named Cathy wants a little of my time Six cylinders underneath the hood Thrashing and kicking A-ha, listen to the engine whine I am gonna make it through this year If it kills me I am gonna make it though this year If it kills me I drove home in the California dusk I could feel the alcohol inside of me hum Pictured the look on my stepfather's face Ready for the bad things to come I down-shifted as I pulled into the driveway The motor screaming out Stuck in second gear The scene ends badly As you might imagine In a cavalcade of anger and fear There will be feasting and dancing In Jerusalem next year I am gonna make it through this year If it kills me I am gonna make it though this year If it kills me -Hulu is a proud presenting partner of "Minding the Gap" on PBS.