POV

So do you feel guilty?

DIANE: About what?

Herb.

Um, yes... I'm, like, I'm sorry, Diane, I feel sorry for Herb.

I like Herb a lot.

I do.

But at the same time, um, I'll only think of him to the extent that it's not at my expense.

So yes, I do feel guilty.

No, I don't think I'm wrong.

If that makes sense.

And I, I have waves of, of guilt now and then.

And I wonder if I have to tell him, like, if he, if his time isn't short, how will I handle it?

I know, but, but lookit.

You thought his time was short five years ago.

That's right.

So you're still waiting to hear that his time is short.

Well, what, what if they tell you his time is short, and he still has another five years?

How do you know?

You don't know.

You know, you have to, when it comes down to people dying, I, I'm sorry, the reality of life is that you have to be very, very careful.

But what I can't lose is my half, and a business deal... Do you have an attorney?

(indistinct) (gasps): Speaking of attorneys, I have two of them to introduce you to tonight.

Yeah?

Yeah, both single.

Well, one of them's kind of engaged, but don't let that threaten you.

Well, not that I'm real interested that way, anyway.

(laughs) But I wouldn't mind meeting them, you know.

That true?

Has she done a lot for me?

Well, she's a good friend.

("Good Lovin'" playing in background) So, it's kind of fun to come and meet a lot of her friends, and... So... It's fun to dance.

Yeah-- so what's your name?

Jack.

(indistinct) What's yours?

My name is Diane.

Hi, Diane.

Diane.

Nobody ever gets my... Nobody ever gets my last name right, so... (laughs) (song ends abruptly) Oh, the music left us!

(laughs) So now we get a slow one?

Okay.

(people talking in background) So what do you do?

I... don't know.

You don't know?

Uh-oh.

Are we in trouble?

(chuckles) ("The Tracks of My Tears" playing in background) So I just live about, oh... In Orland.

50 miles away, yeah.

That's pretty close.

Well, it's okay.

It's a nice little small town.

Yeah.

You like it?

Yeah.

(song continues) You doing a lot for... What have you been doing lately?

Well, I, I have horses.

Hor...?

My wife has horses.

She does?

We're going to have harems.

Oh!

It's going to nationals.

Really?

Can I give... Do you ride?

Yeah, I do, I give riding lessons, and I used to train and breed.

I sold my stallion, though.

(talks softly) Come on-- come on.

Come on-- no.

Okay, guys, see you later.

See you later.

(horse snorts, Diane blows raspberry) See you later.

You awake?

Yeah, I'm awake.

Good.

I'm picking out some... What you got?

...tops here.

Mom sent a whole bunch of new ones up, and I don't know what color they are yet.

I haven't sewn any labels.

Oh, that's blue with a white yoke.

What color are these flowers?

Blue and yellow.

And flowers embroidered in the corner of the yoke.

Yeah.

Oh.

Well... That's... That's something.

Similar to the color of your... ...shorts.

Here's a different kind.

What color is this?

Yeller.

Yaller?

Yeah, yeller.

Yaller, okay.

Plain.

Plain yaller.

Hm... She sent so many, my suitcase was bulging.

Are these turquoise on here?

Yeah, the flowers are turquoise, and the... What's the rest of it?

...and the stems are gray, or pure white.

Just all the way.

Pure white.

Oh, I've had this one a while.

Will this one work?

I think this one'll work.

Yeah, that one with the yellow, and the yellow shoulder might do it.

I think, yeah.

Yeah.

I know it, I think this'll work.

Okay, let me, uh... So, can you tell I've lost weight?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Or are you just saying that?

Just to be agreeable?

No, I see you lost weight.

Where?

Everywhere-- everywhere.

DIANE (voiceover): I think people are ready for a story about a blind woman who's raising a family and having a career or both.

What I wonder is if they're ready for a blind woman who's in her 30s, living with a man who's in his 60s, in a relationship that deals with alcohol and infidelity.

In other words, I don't know if America's ready for a blind girl who isn't a goody two-shoes.

(fires) I lost my eyesight when I was 18 months old to cancer of the optic nerve.

I had it at that time just in one eye.

My mother discovered a dot in a photograph in my pupil and thought it might be something, and everyone thought she was crazy, and... (inhales) So, she took me to the eye doctor anyway, and they took me to Mayo Clinic, and said yes, that I had cancer of the optic nerve, and it was only in one eye.

However, in the next couple of years, it would be in the other eye, and, you know, did she want to just have one eye removed or both at the same time, and she had to make that decision at that time and... (exhales): That was real tough on her, to, to decide whether she ought to let me see a couple of more years or to just get it over with all at once.

Well, I don't know why she made the decision she did.

I don't know what prompted her, but she decided to have both eyes removed at the same time, which, for me, was better in several ways.

It allowed me to grow up with my eyes looking normal, because my eye sockets are both the same size, which wouldn't have happened if they had been removed at different times.

It also was less of an adjustment, because the younger a person is, the less, the less adjustment there is to, to go through.

HARRIET (voiceover): The first morning home, Diane walked right over to the mirror.

She seemed to know where it was.

Now, this child had been able to see and pick a, a piece of lint off the rug.

And she found the mirror, and looked.

She got her nose clear up to the mirror, trying so hard to see herself.

And that tore me up badly.

So I thought, "Hey, dummy, "you can make a neurotic mess out of this child or you can make her a happy baby."

And from then on, Diane just took the ball and ran with it.

DIANE (voiceover): When I was six, I was enrolled at the Nebraska School for the Blind.

I was taught braille there at the same age that sighted students are taught print.

And I went there through ninth grade.

And then when I was 15, I moved to California and attended public high school and then on to college.

Good girl.

Very good.

HERB: There we go.

Good girl.

Come on, baby.

Easy, easy.

There-- good girl.

Better on that side, huh?

Better on the other side, yeah.

Oh, she's getting... (grunts): She can't get away.

(exclaims) Hope... Come here.

Hope.

Don't let them kick you, kid.

There-- boy, that's a bad habit, too.

(horse growls) (snarls): Oh, she's getting mad now.

DIANE (voiceover): I learned to break horses when I was in college, and then when I met Herb, um, he's a very experienced horse person.

He raised and trained horses all his life, and he taught me a few things about sacking a horse out with hobbles on and a rain slicker or, or cans for noise that I hadn't been exposed to before.

And, and they're common-sense things, and yet, you know, some things I guess you just don't figure out on your own.

I gotta get it spread out more.

That's it-- easy, easy, easy.

That's a good girl.

Good girl.

That's a good baby, yeah, that's a good girl.

Good girl!

I received a phone call from Diane one day, and she was so excited.

She says, "Mother, I met the most fascinating man."

She told me his name, Herb Martin, and she says, "We have so much in common.

"He's a horseshoer.

"And we sit and visit and he tells me yarns of the Old West."

DIANE (voiceover): When I met Herb, I know that he was, first of all, amazed... (chuckles) ...that a blind person was doing what I was doing-- handling a stallion, handling a mare and foal, things like that.

He told me that later on.

As a woman, I think he was interested immediately.

He didn't say that, of course, the first day, but he... He chatted and, and flirted as if he was interested.

And of course, I knew later, shortly after, that he was, because he called for a date.

She was messing with a new foal over in the corner, so we got talking about it, and... But anyway, I didn't realize she was blind.

I thought she had an odd look in her eyes.

And honestly, I thought maybe she was a little high on something.

(laughs) So anyway, when we walked down, I got watching her when she went down there, when she went in to get this colt, and hold it for me, you know, and... And, and I asked her if she was totally blind.

I could see she had sight impairment, and I asked, "Totally blind?"

And she said, "Yeah."

But she was real interested in what I had to say, and we just sat around and chewed the fat.

DIANE: No, it was just interesting, because he, um, he knew ten times more about horses than I did, and... I was really fascinated by that, because I was just... I wasn't just getting into horses, but I was just learning the technical details of the business and whatever, and so, it was really interesting to talk to him.

And, but he was, you know, I noticed at that time, he was drinking beer all day long and stuff like that, but I didn't think of him as a possible boyfriend.

I just thought he was interesting to talk to.

JILLIAN: Yeah, I never... You never even told me this.

So you took off with him in a, a motor home?

DIANE: Just a camper on the truck.

JILLIAN (laughs): Oh, God!

You know, I was just thinking.

I think that's where our age difference makes things interesting.

Because of the stuff you know from practical experience that I'd like to learn.

Like about driving teams and stuff.

That's kind of neat.

(with mouth full): I can see that.

Huh?

I can see that.

Maybe that's why you lost your teeth early.

(laughs) (chuckling): Putting nails in your mouth.

HARRIET (voiceover): So they started dating, quite frequently.

And, uh, she was very frank with me-- she says, "Well, "of course, naturally, he'd like to have me go to bed, but I'm not ready."

Then he asked her if she would like to move into his four-bedroom home.

She'd be in town, she had access to her doctor and dentists, and... She asked me what I thought.

Well, I didn't think much of it.

And then, at that point, she told me, "He's in his 60s."

And I thought, "Oh, brother.

"But maybe he has enough respect for women that he'll treat her like a lady."

(kiss) Well, aren't you sweet?

(both laugh) HERB (voiceover): Everybody thought that being an older man with a blind woman was kind of a, a unique situation.

I never did, it never... I never really gave it a whole lot of thought.

Some of my friends did, you know?

You know, "What the hell is that... (laughing): "...dirty ol' son of a bitch doing with that nice young gal?"

My friend-- supposedly.

(laughing) Then other people, some of them thought a little something, but... I don't know.

Didn't change anything.

Open-- open the oven, please.

Ready?

Mm-hmm.

It's not on yet, but I'll just set it in here.

Okay.

Wait a minute, you've got a piece of... Stray piece of potatoes.

Stray piece of... I felt so relieved to think she had someone, because she was invited to leave my house by my husband, Ziggy.

He couldn't stand Diane-- he didn't want her in the house, and this upset me terribly.

And I wished I would have had a spine and said, "Diane, would you like to stay with me?"

I don't dislike her.

At all-- I just don't like the way she operate, that's all.

It's just, to me, that's, that's not a... That's not a, a good way to, to operate.

HARRIET (voiceover): He doesn't like the way you operate.

How do, what do you mean by, you don't like the way she operates?

The way she does things.

What does she does that you don't like?

(laughs) That's what I'm talking about, she doesn't.

No, seriously.

What she does.

Well, I know, but... She'd give you a pork chop for a pig anytime.

No, now, I'm serious.

Well, that's, that's serious.

When you're serious, and you say you don't like the way she operates... Right.

...what do you mean?

The way she operate, the way she does things.

She does them bass-ackwards.

You don't make sense.

That's right.

(mouthing) (laughs) I, I don't read lips.

I said she's a pain.

You call your mother up, and you tell her your problems... (seriously): Ziggy.

...and I lose her for the day.

Ziggy.

See?

So, I'd like to have you stop doing that.

Stop calling her?

No, call her, but don't tell her your, your troubles, your little... What's a mother for?

...trouble that... Huh?

What's a mother for?

You know, it would be all right, but... (stammers) How many times does she call?

Well, if she needs... 20 times a day?

If she needs to, I'm here.

Somebody has to be... No.

...here for everyone, you know.

Yeah, but not to, not to... To tell your troubles all the time.

Well, she doesn't tell my troubles every time, her troubles every time she calls.

Just about.

I don't listen, but I know.

That's what good friends are for.

(laughing): She's not a friend, she's your mother.

She's my best friend.

I'm her friend, too.

(laughs) DIANE (voiceover): I remember my stepfather hating my guts pretty much right after my mom and he got married.

When I'd come to visit, shortly after I'd get there, and we hadn't had any problems or anything, he'd just say, you know, "When are you gonna get your ass out and go home?"

And, or I talked on the phone too long or too often, or I took a shower too often or too long, or the shower was too hot, and it got the tile dirty.

Or I went in and out the door too often.

And so he just never, he just couldn't stand the time that I spent with my mom.

(door creaking open) HARRIET: Hello.

Good morning, how are you today?

DIANE: I'm great.

HARRIET: Fine.

We came here to browse.

That's fine.

(door closes) Came in to see what treasures you have.

That's good.

That's a... Ooh, it's a little house, Diane.

Here, let's start... You mean a little room?

Yeah, let's start in this room, yeah.

They're little bitty rooms.

Little, little rooms.

HARRIET: I think you're gonna like this.

DIANE: What is it?

Well, you know that big vase you have at home?

Which one?

The blue one, the petit point?

Here, let me have this.

Oh, hobnail, sort of.

Yeah.

It is-- I've never seen one of these.

This... This is real clear at the bottom.

And I have the, the perfume, little jugs.

Yeah.

And the salt, and that big vase-- I've never seen one of these.

This is clear blue at the bottom.

How much is it?

It's marked down, from nine to seven dollars.

It's clear blue on the bottom, and then as it gets higher, it's milky.

In other words, you can't see through it.

And can-- look at this.

These are sharp, like points.

Yeah, yeah.

And these are round, like the hobnail.

Yeah.

It's like they're melded into the... To the, uh... Maybe that's what has to do with the color change.

Could be.

DIANE (voiceover): My mother... I give all the credit for my independence to my mother.

And, as best friends do, we share all our confidences, our jokes, our problems, our tips.

She has given me a lot of the visual concepts that I have of things and people in the world, and colors.

I could change my looks to a certain extent by what I wear.

(pop music playing in background) I can wear a different bra and have a bigger-looking bust.

I can wear a tight-waisted dress and, that flares out, that makes my waist look smaller, which at the same time, with the flare, hides the size of my hips.

Now, to some people, I might be beautiful, and to other people, I might be merely nice-looking.

On a given day, uh, I would say that with a good mood and feeling right and fitting in my clothes well, that, that I would be an attractive person.

Diane has a healthy vanity, and that, that probably is, is, I think, one of her greatest attributes.

She, she has, um... She is vain, and she... You know, you, she's got that... (clicks tongue) ...you know, cocky attitude.

She's always kind of got her nose a little bit up in the air and she stands up straight, and her voice is always a little bit louder than everybody else's.

And she has, she's cocky, she's self-assured, she's vain, she wants to look good at all times, and she wants to be all woman.

DIANE: I brought this picture along to show you of eyebrows.

I cut it out of a magazine ad, so that rather than describe it and, and try to tell you what I want, we might have a communication gap, so I usually bring this for a new person.

Okay.

Okay, great.

They were starting to grow in.

I'd have looked like Brooke Shields pretty soon.

Oh, no.

(laughs): Oh, no?

You don't like that look, either?

(both chuckle) I don't care for it.

Before I had my eyebrows done, they were just straight across and really thick.

I mean, they're thinner now, because I've been doing it for a while.

You know, when I showed you that picture of, of what to do?

Mm-hmm.

The thing that got me started on doing that is, I tried to explain to a gal one time what I wanted, and she pulled them all out.

So I just had this thin, hard line.

There was no arch, no shape.

It was looked like, it looked like you might want to draw some in... Mm.

And... I told Mom I thought she made me look like a prostitute.

(laughs) (country music playing in background) JILLIAN (voiceover): When Diane and I go out, we... Probably the thing that we enjoy most is making an, an entrance.

We, we have fun, you know, making the entrance and walking in and drawing a lot of attention.

And we like to sit at a front table and just, just be at a really advantageous spot, and, and one of the reasons it has to be advantageous is that we're both blind.

I can see a little bit, so I, I want to get right there up front, so I can explain to Diane, you know, who's around and what I see.

ROBERT: Would you like to dance?

I'm not a Western swing dancer.

That's all right-- we'll just slow-dance.

(laughs): Okay.

SINGER: I'll always love you Cross my broken heart (song continues) DIANE: Cowboy (indistinct), or whatever they call it.

(laughs) What's your name?

Diane.

My name's Robert.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

You, too.

(song continues) (woman singing) Good dancer.

DIANE (laughing): Well... I always was gonna take Western swing lessons, I've just never made the time to do it.

ROBERT: You do good.

Mm-hmm.

Well, anybody can do this.

Well, I'll tell you what.

DIANE: Yeah?

I'll show you how to swing later, if you want to learn.

DIANE (laughs): Well... It's real easy.

Mm-hmm, oh, I'm sure.

SINGERS: I'll always love you So you knew all those, huh?

Oh, yeah.

(laughing): Oh.

Piece of cake.

(Diane laughs) (song fades) Well, the truth is, is... (laughs) Diane's a very horny person.

She, uh... I just got a phone call from her the other day, and she says, "I just wanted to call you.

"I'm laying here naked on the floor with this guy, "and I was telling him all about you, so I thought we'd give you a call."

(chuckling): You know, she totally embarrassed this guy, but that's Diane for you, um... She, she's very... I think she, you know, is very sensual, very erotic, and she's, she's full of it, you know?

She, she wants what a, a young woman wants out of life, and she goes out and she gets it.

A lot.

(laughing) Well, see, you're, you're my other life.

You're part of my other life.

(both laugh) You only, you're only bad when you get out of Orland.

Well, yeah, I'm, I'm a good girl when I live there, and I'm very responsible, and, you know.

And then when I leave, I'm this other person.

(laughs) I know, but that's a nice thing.

Maybe that's why you travel so much, because you can just go and be different... It's like I'm two people.

But that's all right.

(laughing): Two people works.

For now.

Yeah, sure.

For now.

I wonder if anybody there in Orland, who knows me there, would know me if they saw me somewhere else.

(chuckles) I don't know.

You know, the, um, the horses have been our, have been our constant.

They're, like, our best friend.

(laughing): For, like, for our relationship, has always been a positive.

Yeah?

Throughout, ever since-- I mean, we met, we met in a barn.

Yeah.

And the really-- that's been the positive thing throughout.

Has been the horses and stuff we did with them, and, like, reading magazines and stuff like that.

What do you suppose?

How do you suppose some of the, some of our... I don't know, like, where we are now?

How do you suppose where we'd be... ...if our circumstances had been different, we hadn't had so many troubles?

What are you talking about?

You gotta be plainer than that.

Our relationship.

Where do you suppose we'd be if, like, if we hadn't had troubles over, over the drinking?

Where do you suppose we'd be?

I don't know, but why does it always have to come back to that?

No, I meant our relationship.

Do you think it'd be... How, how do you think it would be different... I have no idea.

I just wondered.

'Cause we always had so much fun with the horses.

(clicks tongue): Pick it up.

(grunts) You need your feet trimmed, Dennis.

I'll have to talk to Herb about that.

(voiceover): One of the hardest things for me about being blind is getting people to hire me.

And even worse is having to tell people that I get Social Security and S.S.I.

Currently in this community, I, there is a great need for me with the blind population.

And I've assisted newly blind people with finding services, I've taught braille, I've helped with cane skills, and... One of the people is a, a young girl, about 13, and she's growing up and needs some good blind role models, so that she knows she can accomplish anything in life that she chooses.

And that's sort of the role I fill for her.

DIANE: Okay, then what?

TENAIA: Two cups of sifted flour.

Okay.

Time, 25 minutes.

Yep.

Oven temperature, 350.

Okay, so... Greased pan, no flour.

Greased pan, no flour, okay.

Um, I'll grab the vanilla, and I'm going to show you a little trick I do with vanilla.

Okay-- oh, Diane.

Yeah.

You spelled "brownies" wrong.

I know it-- you know, when I brailled that, I think I was... How old was I when I brailled that?

Way back when I was in home ec.

(chuckles) Smarty.

I got the maple, not the vanilla, so hang on.

I took a whiff and it was maple.

(laughs) Okay.

Now I have vanilla.

Different bottle.

I should have remembered that-- now, this is a larger bottle, but I'll tell you a little secret I do.

Vanilla, unless you're doing a real gourmet recipe... Mm-hmm.

...it's not super-critical.

There are some things when you cook that you have to do exactly like it says.

Vanilla is just one of those enhancers.

So, what I do, I cheat a little.

(chuckles): Okay.

Okay?

And instead of just measuring exactly, see, what you could do, if you want to measure exactly, you could pour vanilla into a jar with a tight lid.

Mm-hmm.

And then you could, so you could dip your teaspoon into there and get it just right, and pour it in your pan and all that-- well, I haven't done that; what I have here is a bottle with a very large hole.

And I have a... You need to put your teaspoon in there?

Well, no.

I'm going to, what I'm going to do, I'm going to hold the bottle in my right hand... Mm-hmm.

...and the cap in my left.

And it called for three-fourths of a teaspoon.

I'm going to pour it into the cap, and it may run over and it may not.

And then I'm gonna pour it into there.

I'm not going to be real fussy about my measurement.

And I've got my other finger just at the edge of the hole, so I know when it starts to pour into the cap.

So I don't pour way too much.

Okay.

DIANE (voiceover): We've had some, some business going on behind the scenes with Tenaia's school.

Um, Tenaia's transferring schools this year.

And you were at Kirkwood, right?

Mm-hmm.

And now you're going to?

Maywood.

Which is where?

Corning.

Corning, and so we've been doing things with finding, making sure she still has her same amount of braille and, um, making sure that all of the services that she's entitled to transfer with her.

Um, if you, if you would like, you know, we, we discussed on the phone that I could have a meeting with the teachers about just getting them comfortable with, with having a person who happens to be blind in their class.

We don't-- going into algebra and things, we don't need her without braille.

Or we'll have a major mess later.

I'm not going to do that!

I have nothing to keep my bearings with over there.

HERB: You, you hear the truck alongside of you.

Herb... Just like you do out there.

You hear the truck alongside of you.

I'll be an expert in shoeing when you're an expert in blindness, okay?

I guess that's it-- she's hardheaded as hell It doesn't work.

You can't convince her-- there's nothing to hit down there.

There's nothing you can run into.

All you gotta do is listen to the truck and ride around.

There are trees.

There's one tree.

And I'd hit it.

She wouldn't hit it.

Yes, she would.

(stammering): When's the first horse you ever saw run into a tree?

Hell, no, she'd mess up... Be sure the branches would get me in the head.

(murmuring) Start past that tree, you got a half-mile down there, all flat-out open.

She just won't do it on the rocks-- it's too hard on her.

(murmuring) You don't have any spurs, either.

I don't wear spurs, and you know why.

Well, you should start, because you can't get it out of them if you don't.

It has nothing to do with getting it out of them.

If her feet hurt, she's not gonna run.

But if her, her belly hurts more from the spurs than her feet, then she'll take... I don't need my horse's feet stone-bruised, all right?

I think Herb is a very sweet guy.

He is.

But I've never seen him when he was drinking.

Oh, exactly.

He is a sweet guy, and, and he's an intelligent guy.

And cute.

And he's, he's cute.

And he's good in bed.

(chuckles) But he... Is he?

He is.

He's physically good in bed.

Um... How can he be good in bed if he's not romantic?

He knows the right moves.

I mean, he is, he's good, he knows how to... (laughing): He's... He knows how to get the responses.

Like somebody else, like somebody else I know-- we won't, not say... What, like Miles?

Shh!

(both laughing) He doesn't... We don't say any names, but, you know.

What do... Technically, uh, Greg... I mean, he doesn't... (laughing) He doesn't, he, he's, I mean, you know, when he's enjoying himself, and yet, I mean, he doesn't, he's not romantic about getting into it.

But once you're into it, I mean, he's not shy, and he's, he's, um... He's, he's good.

And when he's not, you know, now that he's not drinking, he's... (murmuring) He's... But what he, what does he say his feelings are for you?

Is he, is he in love... Well, he thinks he loves me-- he always has.

I like the way you said, "Well, he thinks he loves me.

That old fool!"

Well, I don't think he knows what the word... (laughing) I don't know what the-- I don't think he knows what the word means.

Yeah.

I'm sure I'm in love her-- I wouldn't even living with her.

Uh, on a steady basis, uh... We have our disagreements, but... Uh... Oh, nothing ever I consider real serious.

She may consider it serious, but I don't, uh... DIANE (voiceover): I don't know if I could have really ever fallen in love with Herb or not.

Then it would have been nice to have the chance to find out.

We had a lot of things in common.

We rode horses together.

We worked together for ten hours a day.

And it would have been a great thing to find out if we could have fallen in love.

But the thing standing in the way of that was Herb's drinking.

In the morning, he was a very enjoyable person to talk to.

And by evening, he was a horrible person to, to live with-- he... As far as he was concerned, I didn't exist.

Anything I did, anything I thought, anything I said made no difference or didn't matter in any way to him.

I loved drinking.

I had a lot of good times drinking.

And, uh, through my life, drinking seemed to come with the territory.

I didn't know at that time that it was, bugged her that much.

Uh... She never actually asked me to stop drinking, uh... I didn't really know it bothered her that much.

DIANE (voiceover): And I dealt with that by going out with other men.

And I was discreet about it, and yet I did it.

And I think I did it to, to keep my sanity.

I didn't do it to, to hurt Herb.

Uh, I did it to gain things that I was lacking.

I was lacking closeness, I was lacking physical tenderness.

I was lacking being treated like a lady.

And those were things that I could, that I could get.

I didn't expect any of those men to rescue me from this horrible relationship.

(music playing in background) Yeah, my brother just got back from Texas.

Both of them were activated for Desert Storm.

Oh, my gosh.

And he learned to dance pretty good.

So he came back, he said, "We're going to learn to dance."

(mock-screams) So he really showed up.

(both laugh) Sort of awkward at first.

Oh, well.

Something he'd never done for ever.

Yeah, well... (song continues) Well, Jillian's not shy at all.

Yeah?

If she wants to dance, she'll just go find somebody.

(laughs): Yeah.

Yeah?

Well, that's the way to be.

So, uh... I told her to go ahead.

I didn't expect her to, um... (laughs) ...go get two people.

Oh, well.

(laughs) Sometimes it takes someone to break the ice.

(laughs): Yeah!

Yeah.

You wouldn't have just sat there all night, would you?

No, no.

No, I bet not.

When you got it, you got it.

BOTH (singing along): You know I love the ladies Love to have my fun You got it.

("Joy to the World" by Three Dog Night continues) A straight-shooting son of a gun So I wonder how many people are here.

Oh, uh, there's about 340.

No, you're... Or maybe 22.

Yeah, about that.

You want to meet-- we'll go around and touch each one of them, like that.

No, no, no, I don't, no, I don't have that need.

Oh, okay!

Thank you very much.

I can bop each one of them for you.

Just come back and give you a count.

Yeah.

There's about 25.

So, my name's Dick Burton.

(laughs) And you are the famous Diane that ran for... I'm the famous Diane Starin.

That ran for governor, right?

That's right.

(laughs) Did you win?

Did I win?

Oh, I'm a winner.

I'm definitely a winner.

I like it.

(laughs) You and me It's fun.

It's lots of fun.

You know about that sort of thing, Jillian.

Now, don't act so innocent!

No, no, no!

I'm not so sure I do.

Oh, give me a break!

I forgot.

Oh, give me a break.

(laughs): I forgot.

Give me a break, Jillian-- Miss Innocence over here.

(airily): Whatever do you mean?

I just don't understand.

(laughing) Diane, I am not the slut that you are.

Oh, no, but you're just as sleazy.

Nor have I... Nor have I ever been quite as, um, adventuresome as you.

Oh, bullshit!

(both laughing) You lie like a rug.

You lie!

You lie.

Oh, boy, you lie so good.

Miss Innocence.

Yeah, I'm billing you for a lot of tackle, two worms, or two boxes of worms, and the eye strain.

The eye strain.

Yeah, absolutely.

All right, go ahead.

Don't use your eyes.

Do it again.

I have to reel it up?

Huh?

Yeah, bring it up.

But I tell you, there's something wrong with my reel.

Well, well, you already wound it around the pole.

Let me do it-- let me look at it.

Okay, let me see what... Hold still now.

They should make these things retard-proof, Diane.

Idiot-proof?

Idiot-proof, yup, that's what you need.

Like the truck.

I'll see if can order one.

Like, you can't lock your keys in the truck.

That's idiot-proof.

DIANE (voiceover): When Herb and I have a fight, I don't always trust him, for example, when we go horseback riding, to not inadvertently just not tell me about a tree.

When he drank, he would do little things like that, and I don't know if they were conscious or not.

HERB: Watch it.

DIANE: Ow.

(gasps) (Herb urges horse) Damn it!

Yes, right in the eye.

(exhales): Jesus.

Right in the bloody eye.

I'm the one that's always fighting to stay away from the hassles-- that's what causes it all.

I call that running, I call it... Don't get involved in situations that make stress factors.

But I call it, that sort of thing, that running away from little, minor hassles, is just running away from a problem and just not dealing with it.

And then it's still there and then it builds on another one.

Well, I don't need 'em.

I don't need 'em.

There's nothing I have to deal with anymore.

What about when it affects us?

You and I, and you're still going... We deal with it.

..."I don't, I don't, I don't."

We deal with it.

We do?

Yeah.

Who does?

We both do, pretty well.

Let's face it, we're still together.

Somebody deals with something.

Yeah, but that... See, you measure everything by, "We're still together, so it must be heaven."

She would have trouble finding someone... ...to be happy with, too.

I don't think she's ever thought of that.

Uh... But we just kind of mesh.

Uh... She has lots of attributes to her personality that are, would be hard to deal with for a lot of people.

Just like me.

I mean, I've got a lot of things that... I'd be a hard person for me to live with if I was someone else.

(chuckles) Uh... (talking and laughing in background) HARRIET (voiceover): As a mother, I think there's times when I felt that Diane needed an intermission from her, her hectic life.

There's times when she'd come and visit me and the mother role seemed to disappear, and I was her friend, and we'd take her somewhere.

And perhaps it was a very nice-looking man that I would see looking at her, and I'd say, "Diane, there's a, really a handsome man looking at you."

He's a very good-looking man.

Oh, that's nice.

He's got this beard and a goatee-- gray.

It's a mixture of gray and black.

This jet-black hat is what gets me.

Right, well, have him take it off and see what he looks like without it.

HARRIET (voiceover): In my heart, as a friend, I thought, "Wish he'd come over and ask her to dance, "or come over and talk to her, give her an ego trip "that she needed to survive coming back to the life she had."

Um... Kind of like you?

HARRIET (voiceover): I think it worked.

She would say, "Mom, I don't want to meet anybody.

I've had it with men."

But still there was that little glint in her eye that she felt once again attractive and desirable, if you will.

So as a mother, I didn't really want her to go astray, but I kind of egged her on a little.

Diane and her mother are very, very, very good friends.

And some people, misleadingly, might originally think, "Well, Diane is with her mother a lot because, you know, her mother takes care of her."

And that's, that's a misconception.

If anything, Diane takes care of her mother, and Harriet is a good friend of mine, too, and the three of us go out.

If we go out, it's generally her mother who's the craziest, Harriet.

Harriet's the craziest of all-- she's a lot of fun.

She's very interested in meeting guys.

She's very interested in going out and going dancing and doing lively things and being a lot of fun.

Oh, wow.

I can't tell.

Oh!

I have a horrible outlook on men.

I like men as friends, but they totally destroy my faith that anybody could really like me, or anybody could really like Diane.

Unless it's to their advantage-- this is the way I feel.

And it'll take something miraculous to make me change my mind.

I'm not bitter and I'm not hateful and I'm not on the defensive, but she and I have both been kind of through the mill, as many other women in the world.

You just want your feelings returned.

Can I do something?

No.

HARRIET (voiceover): You don't want to do it all.

Maybe I have too much hair.

HARRIET (voiceover): You want some response.

Well, you need to redo this.

Well, I'm trying to get the part out.

Well, you haven't even started.

There you go, now do the... Keep doing that.

Okay, here.

Here.

You know, even if that part falls loose... Okay... Go down the middle once more, right here.

(cane tapping) DIANE (voiceover): When I come down to town to shop, I locate businesses or stores I want to go to depending on what clues are available that day.

For example, I hear this building end, so know I can turn left.

(tricycle rattling) And I can hear the building on my left as I walk along.

I hear a object being pulled, pushed, or whatever by a person.

Object way over on my right by the curb.

Now the opening-- there's an opening here to the wagon shop.

Now I can hear the building again on my left.

Now the building's ended.

I can feel that by the wind and the sound.

Move over to the curb, since there's no sound to keep my bearings by.

And I hear an object in front of me, which I assume is a fire hydrant.

I hear an object on my left and a radio up ahead.

DIANE: Oh, this is heaven.

WOMAN: Oh, this is heaven.

DIANE: Ooh, and it walks like heaven.

I'm in heaven Oh, look at you.

Look at this.

Okay, now, let me fix this.

Oh, you can pull this down on the hip.

Oh, feel this little... I love this.

Okay, you love this.

You just have the best taste, because this is the most expensive thing in our store.

(both laugh) Of course!

What are we talking?

Oh, too much.

Oh, too much!

Oh, couple thou.

No.

(laughs) (snorts) (exclaims): What am I doing with this on?

I was going to run and take if off quick!

It is sold separately.

I don't, I think the top is probably $69 and the skirt's 100 and something.

(exhales): I like it.

It's absolutely... And, and it's what color?

It's the most beautiful shade of blue sky, slate blue... Mm.

And it has rust and mauve and touches of green and little pieces... Ooh!

Mauve and green and all the colors that are supposed to look good on me.

And the little yellows, and clay-- do you know clay color?

Kind of a... Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I like this touch.

And this wraps.

That's great.

And this is a little-- now, this is a stripe.

Feel this much.

Uh-huh.

That's a stripe in all the colors.

Uh-huh.

Ooh.

And then all the rest is this beautiful print.

It's not a floral.

It's kind of Picasso-looking, okay?

"You can't beat them up because they're bigger than you."

Yeah?

And then, then another line... I've got it on tape for you to hear.

Something about, "You just can't shoot them and you can't..." Yeah.

I've heard it, but, oh, that's hilarious.

And then, then another one of the lines.

It's, it's such a male-bashing tape.

It's really, really good.

(laughs) We'll have such a good time.

We'll play it tonight before, you know, when we're getting dressed to go out.

I've got a couple of things taped that I decided I was going to play to get you really, truly in the... In the mood?

(laughs): In the optimal mood for the evening.

SINGER: I remember the night And the Tennessee Waltz DIANE: See if you can refresh my memory on how to waltz here.

Aw, you can do it, honey.

("Tennessee Waltz" continues) (man singing along) SINGER: As I lost my little darling The night they were playing The beautiful Got it under control now?

(laughs): Yeah.

That a girl!

Would you be afraid to dance to a fast song if I held your hand?

Huh?

Oh, I don't know.

(laughs) MAN: Huh?

If, if I held your hand, and not let go of you, would you be afraid of, to do a fast song?

DIANE: Oh, I don't know.

MAN: Huh?

I'll get... DIANE: It depends on the song, I guess.

MAN: I'll get 'em into a rock beat-- what would you like?

DIANE: Oh, I don't know.

MAN: Well, you think what you'd like.

DIANE: I don't know.

(band continues "Tennessee Waltz") (man humming along) What would you like?

A fast song, and I'll hold your hand and I won't let go of you.

DIANE: Oh, well, I'm not worried about that.

SINGER: I was dancing with my darling (man singing along) To the Tennessee Waltz When an old friend I happened to see Uh-oh!

(laughs) Better help me out here, darling.

(laughs) (man singing along) SINGER: And while they were dancing MAN: Boy, you can stay right there, honey.

SINGER: My sweetheart from me I remember the night And the Tennessee Waltz And I know just how much I have lost Yes, I lost my little darling The night they were playing The beautiful Tennessee Waltz The beautiful Tennessee Waltz (song ending) MAN: Well, we got through that one, darling.

DIANE: Yeah.

DIANE (voiceover): Her and I went out dancing.

Pick up something strange?

Not at all.

What are you, a coward?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, God.

You don't have any, uh, boyfriends on the side?

I ended up dancing-- no.

I ended up dancing with a guy who dances exactly like Herb-- I couldn't believe it.

(laughs) God.

You weren't thrilled?

Uh-uh.

I guess she's readily available to him, but, uh... If anybody wants her, I think she'd be available, really.

Although, she did say the other day when she was down there about a month or so ago, she did say that she was kind of scared of, of, uh, going with anybody anymore because of the AIDS scare, you know?

So... (chuckles): I don't suppose she'll go anywhere now.

Or maybe she will.

HERB: Hey, hey, hey.

Come here, you pick it up.

DIANE: Make him do it-- here.

Come here.

Give me that foot.

Give me that foot.

Good, it's not just me.

There you go.

Huh?

HERB: Kick him in the belly.

You, you, that's where you swat him.

Slapping him-- you gotta mean it.

I already broke my fist.

You gotta mean it with him.

Okay, fine.

DIANE (voiceover): My relationship with Herb never really got worse.

It was just the same constant nightmare.

The really big change came when he sold the house and we set out to travel in a camper.

This camper is a six-foot camper, and we spent two years traveling, and we did some visiting of his family and mine, but the majority of the time was spent driving from place to place, supposedly sightseeing.

Which was a real joke, because only in the morning was he able to see a damn thing.

But when you're traveling with someone, and, and they're drinking and driving, and you can't drive, it's like sitting there waiting to be killed.

HERB (voiceover): I don't understand-- this was all new to me, her, uh, unhappiness with that two years we put in traveling.

Because a lot of the things we did were for her, uh... I'd been to a lot of these places we went to before.

But I find out now that, looking back, she says she didn't enjoy it.

I think it's because she was worried I'd get in an accident, because those days, I was drinking pretty heavy.

By afternoon, she didn't want to go anyplace.

One of the most terrifying nights I ever spent with Herb in the camper was, one night, we went out to Deer Crick with my sister and her boyfriend.

I had gone to bed early, and of course, Herb had been drinking all day, per usual.

He came to bed later, or tried to come to bed later, he'd overfilled the Coleman lantern, and when he tried to shut it off, after he'd set it down on the stove in the camper, it splashed gas all over the walls and ignited.

The first thing I remember is waking up, hearing him screaming, "Get out!"

And he couldn't get the door open.

And I was trying to wrap my hair around my neck to hold it close, and, not knowing where the fire is, whether I have to step in it, through it, or what.

And about that time, Herb got the door open, and we all flew out at the same time, and the first thing any of us noticed was the smell of Herb's burning flesh.

HERB (voiceover): I still don't see how you can say it was scary-- I just don't understand this at all.

How do you mean, you don't understand?

I've never had an accident.

I've never had a near-miss.

We've had lots of near-misses.

When?

(exhales) (inhales deeply) Oh, on the road over from the Yolla Bolly's over to the Redwoods, over to 101, or one, or whatever it is.

Well, what, what... We drove late at night, and, I mean, it was a very bad incident-- we ended up stopped in the middle of the road, someone almost ran into us.

I mean, it was, it was... Well, those kind of, on those back roads, that can happen at any time-- there's no, I don't... (sighs) That's just part of driving around in the backcountry.

She's pissed.

(chuckles) Just listening.

I, I would be interested to know why he said, "She's pissed."

I would like to know why he thought that.

If he didn't think he did anything wrong, why should I be pissed?

Or if he's not lying about it.

It's probably only good on the surface, you know, whatever, the way we get along, or the way we... I think we get along by just... He just lives for the moment and we get by, and we get along by doing that.

Um... It's all surface, because if I ever went below that, there wouldn't be any getting along, I suppose.

(Diane urging horse) Come on.

Red.

Come on, Red, there you go.

Arthur, you're next.

Arthur.

Jody.

Atta girl.

Noodles.

Missy.

Good girl.

Terry.

Atta girl, okay.

We're walking toward the corner.

There's a gate, another metal gate up here.

And Donna's sitting on the post holding Pecos, so we'll walk out around.

We'll cut across the corner, okay?

Hear the cows munching hay there, okay.

Now, we're back, we went around Pecos and Donna.

This fence is... Not?

...shorter, so it'll sound different.

You can hear-- when we walk beside here, can you hear this?

Can you hear our footsteps next to there?

Yeah.

Okay.

So you can, and this will sound lower to you, as well.

DIANE: Now, you can probably hear the one... (metal taps) There's another gate.

Now, another fence coming up.

Okay, and this one's shorter yet, okay?

Shorter.

Heightwise, for us.

DIANE: Okay, now we're going to come back around to the gate where we started, and so what I'll do, I'll let you wait here in the shade and I'll bring the horse.

DIANE: Good girl, good girl, it's all right.

Good girl.

That's all right, here, ho!

Hit her if she... (indistinct) Good girl.

Okay, come on.

Straight ahead.

A little-- that's it, all right.

Left!

I'm gonna take this hat off till we get there.

Huh?

I'm gonna take this off till we get there.

Left!

Left!

Oh, will you just leave me alone?

HARRIET (voiceover): I recall one incident that happened to Diane when she and Herb were still on the road.

They were partying one night at a little tavern outside of a very small town, and Herb got very drunk-- very drunk.

And he threw some money on the bar and told Diane, "You stay here and have a good time.

Buy these guys some drinks."

Well, she really didn't want to go the camper with him, anyway, so she just had enough to drink.

She felt pretty good, and he took off and went to bed and locked the camper.

Whether the drinks hit Diane or not, I don't know, but she ended up going to this gentleman, this man, his cabin.

And I was feeling very angry at him at that time for things that had happened because of his drinking and us traveling.

And I wanted to get even with him in the worst way.

And the more I drank, the more I felt this way.

And we had been visiting with a mutual friend of ours.

And as the day wore on and the evening came, the friend and I started to dance.

And Herb was getting very drunk, and he would go to the camper and come back, and back and forth.

Well, on one of Herb's trips to the camper, the friend and I left, and we spent the night together, and in the morning, when I was dropped off at the camper, Herb was awake, and he saw us return.

And it's very difficult for me to describe to you the treatment I got from Herb.

It was the most cold, unfeeling meanness, and, and I felt like anything was possible.

I was terrified of him, and he really treated me like I was the lowest slime on Earth, like there was no cause for what I had done.

It was sometime after that that Diane came to the house-- Herb dropped her off, he wouldn't come in.

Very, very angry.

And she said he'd been this way for weeks.

Mom.

HARRIET (voiceover): And she handed me a letter.

There's a letter Herb opened.

HARRIET (voiceover): And she says, "The ass opened my mail."

HARRIET: Oh, Diane.

This is from that man in Nevada.

DIANE (voiceover): And in the letter were very vivid descriptions of the kind of woman that I was, and the kind of lover that I was, and how much he enjoyed our night together.

And... (sighs) Herb dealt with the situation by, um... I think it was his way of claiming me back, or staking his claim, and by blocking all of this out of my, his mind, like it didn't happen, to make himself feel better, the only way he could do that was for us to have sex again.

HERB (voiceover): I probably wasn't as tolerant of, oh, disagreements or her shortcomings or whatever.

I think alcohol consumption kind of, I don't know, shortens your fuse or... I don't think I probably was as tolerant, I'll have to admit that, uh... DIANE (voiceover): In the following days, he cried a lot, and it did not make me feel good to know that I had hurt him very badly.

Um... Even though he had caused it all in the beginning, which I truly believe.

And that brought me to the decision to tell Herb that I just had enough and wanted out.

Maybe she was thinking about leaving, but I don't, uh... I didn't realize it at the time, anyway, uh... DIANE (voiceover): I was truly in love with the idea of living on my own.

About that time, the doctors told Herb that he had terminal cancer and that he had six to eight months to live.

When he told me that, I was thoroughly confused, because I didn't think that I could let Herb die alone, and yet I had just left him.

And so obviously, I must care, I must have some feelings.

So I guess it was at that point I made the decision to see him through it.

Shortly after a surgery, during a recovery period, Herb suggested that we buy a house together and settle, settle down.

I didn't like the idea at all.

I thought it was a terrifying idea, and I told him that, because I couldn't imagine living like I had lived before.

Well, he told me that he had, he had stopped drinking and that he didn't intend to start.

JILLIAN (voiceover): So you guys bought the house when he had cancer?

DIANE (voiceover): We bought the house thinking he had six or eight months to live.

JILLIAN (voiceover): That's right, because I know, that's when you told me, you said, well, you know, you own the house, and... DIANE (voiceover): Yeah, and, and the doctors told us that he had six or eight months to live, because when they did the surgery, they found active cancer cells outside the surgery area.

And... So it was just statistics.

And so here we are.

(chuckles) So much for statistics.

I mean, I don't, I don't wish him dead.

(murmurs) And now that he's, now that he's not terrorizing me, um... Well, if he was terrorizing you, why didn't you just leave?

Well, I did-- we had broken up in Arizona.

And then we found out he has cancer, and I decided to... I, I don't know, I guess the death... Do, do you think he really had it, or maybe he just told you he did?

Oh, he did, I was at, I was at, I was there for the surgery.

(both laugh) I mean, I went through the surgeries and the whole thing.

I mean, I talked to the doctors-- no, it wasn't put on.

When we made this deal on the house, I told her it was a good deal for her, because, uh... (chuckles): I wouldn't be here that much longer anyway, uh... (calling): Hey, dogs!

HERB (voiceover): Before we bought the place, we had an agreement that I would pay two-thirds, she would pay a third, of the price of the property.

I had loaned her some money to make up her third, which she has since paid me back.

Then we split all of the utilities, two-thirds and one-third, which we figured was equitable.

And I take care of the groceries, transportation, et cetera.

Because I make more money than she does.

And when I left the scene for good, then the place would be hers.

And at that time, the prognosis wasn't very good, and... We're still here, and the prognosis is better.

I was truly happy when Diane told me she and Herb were going to buy a house.

I could see down the road a, a happy future for her.

Her living out his last six months to a year from having cancer, I thought things were going to be great.

That was four years ago.

Before they bought the house, they lived a life of hell, or she did, in that camper.

Nearly burning to death once.

She deserved this.

She had it coming-- I knew she had it coming.

And I think buying the house was Herb's way of telling her, "You've got this coming, every bit of it."

(horse nickers) HARRIET (voiceover): But four years is a long time.

I don't want to see Herb dead, but I really can't see a happy future for Diane until she is free.

I think my mom thought the idea of us buying a house together was all right because of the time frame.

The same reason I thought it was all right.

I never planned to spend four more years or whatever living with him.

I planned to spend six months.

She sold a little bit of her soul for that deal, I think.

I think... (clears throat): Worse than that, I think that, that she thinks that, too.

It's, uh-- that she copped out on the deal with Herb.

About me, how do you think my life will be different after you're gone?

That's what I think you meant... I, I have no idea how it'll be... Oh, I, yeah, I have an idea.

It'll be damn different.

Like... You've got nobody to do all the dirty chores.

No, ser... And put your gear together when you have to go riding, and... Well, you know what I found... (chuckling) You know what I found to be interesting?

What?

You know, when you had your first trouble, your heart attack?

It made me acutely aware of the things that I needed to learn.

Oh, I knew that, too, yeah.

No, but I mean... It made me aware, too-- I mean, I realized that there's things that... Instantly, I knew it wasn't that I couldn't learn them.

Yeah.

But when there's two of you doing things... Yeah, you still do it.

...and sharing responsibilities, I mean, when I leave, you can't find stuff.

Yeah.

Or you can't, you know... I know.

Because I have certain ways of doing it or I do it.

And instantly, when you were gone, all the things... And I didn't even-- not that I sat down and tried to, but all the things that I needed to do or know about, it's, like, oh, God, and I... Then I made a list, you know, electrical, how to bleed the pump.

Yeah.

Remember?

You came home and I said, "Show me how to do this, that, let's mark the breaker boxes, all that"?

Yeah.

It was kind of weird.

You still never have braille With a breaker, breaker box.

No, because you still haven't got them real straight, do you?

I got them all... Do you now?

All labeled, everything's labeled.

Okay, then I can do it in braille.

So what I'm saying is... I know, but Diane, you better not piss him off.

Why?

Okay, I mean, you have to think, you know, after what happened to me with my stepmother, you have to, you know, think realistically on that if you piss him off, if you, if, if he gets angry, and you're seeing somebody else, and he gets jealous, he's just going to leave his share of the house.

You have no protection, really, other than what his promise was to you.

Well, the house is in joint tenancy, and he can will his half to someone.

I-- well, no, he can't will his half to someone.

He can sell it before he dies, but he can't will it to anyone else.

Joint tenancy does that, so... Are you sure?

Yes.

He would have to sell his half before he dies.

So... But he could sell his half to his, his daughter for a dollar.

That's true, that's true.

DIANE: Why don't we do our sharing?

We haven't all seen each other for quite a while because of National Convention.

So let's do a sharing.

And does anybody have any good, bad, or indifferent experiences about blindness to share this time?

DAN: I have something to share about a couple of months ago.

Okay.

A blind joke appeared in the Chico funnies that said, "Why don't the blind parachute?"

"Because their dogs hate it."

(chuckling) Now... (laughs): Well, I think you got... I think it's funny!

(others laughing) DIANE: Only Herb would laugh.

Well, there's a blind lady next to me who's laughing!

(laughs) Well, anyway... Keep your hands on top of the table.

Hey, get those hands up where I can see them!

(others laughing) DIANE: What were the, Dan, just on a personal level for you, what were the inferences in that joke?

Well, the inferences in the joke were that, it implied that the blind are so stupid, they need their dogs to make their decisions for them.

DIANE: Mm-hmm.

And the fact that the dog does make the decision in the joke.

DAN: Yeah, the dog makes the decision in the joke.

Implying that the blind are unaware of their surroundings and they need even an animal to tell them what reality is.

DIANE: Exactly.

Um... Pretty bad.

HERB: Even Diane would know if she's, when she's falling out of an airplane or not.

(others laugh) (fires) (fires) (fires) (firing continues) DIANE (voiceover): Of all the soap operas I've ever seen, this story is-- I couldn't write one like this.

I don't think I could ever imagine one like this.

Um, Herb's illness has progressed quite a bit.

His tumor has returned, and he's having to deal with some treatment and radiation and things like that.

And we're not sure how his time is, if it's real limited or not.

And I've started counseling, and I'm really excited about it.

It's something I've needed to do for a long time, and I, something I want to do.

And so it's been very exciting, and I've made a lot of progress with, with my own self-improvement things.

And a huge plus to all of that, and it, kind of timely, is that I've fallen in love with someone... (whispering): I love you.

DIANE (voiceover): ...who's also fallen in love with me at the same time, which is very, very amazing to me, because I didn't think that would happen in my lifetime.

(R&B song playing in background) You are such an incredible tease.

Oh, and you love it.

Or are you complaining?

Mm.

Hm?

Are you complaining?

No.

No?

No.

Do you love it?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm?

I love you.

I love you.

(song continues in background) SINGER: Do you really want to know JILLIAN (voiceover): How old is he?

He'll be 25 in January!

(both laughing) This month.

He's 24.

Oh, God, Diane.

What do you think about that?

Well... Um... I mean after all, Jillian, think of the compatibility.

How old are you?

34.

He's 24?

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah, well.

Understand?

Yeah.

Mm, it's true.

It's true.

No, other than that, um, he's a, he's a really neat guy.

I've never met anyone that... I've never met a man who knows how to communicate before, and, you know, that will deal with problems as they come up.

Yeah.

And will talk about them instead of run from them, and all that sort of thing.

So it's... So, like, okay.

So, do you think this is, like, serious?

I think it's very serious.

(chuckles) Really?

Mm-hmm.

Does he think it's serious?

Yeah, I think so-- no, I know so, he does.

(R&B song playing) PATRICK (voiceover): Diane and I see our future together to be a long one.

And because of that... That's why I've asked her to marry me.

And she said yes.

And far as we're concerned, there's, it'll never be soon enough.

Yeah?

I think so.

You think so?

Mm-hmm.

What, what's this "think" stuff?

(whispers): I love you.

(whispers): I love you.

(song continues) SINGER: We got together So it kind of, it's kind of difficult now, and complicated, because it's hard to know when Herb's time is going to be, when he's going to die, how long is that going to be, how much more time am I willing to give up?

Um... And, and how long am I willing to, to not be with the person that I love?

I got health problems I didn't have before.

Kind of pressing, and kind of... That puts a strain on both of us, too, to a certain degree.

But I'll say that our format's probably about the same as it has been.

She still travels quite a bit, and so do I, and... We come and go.

(laughs) Meet for three or four days, then I'm gone for a week, then I come home three, four days, and she's gone for a week, and, uh... But things have been going pretty smoothly around here.

With the exception... (murmurs) Health problems, and going to the doctor more often.

Yep.

That's about all.

You know, Herb, I don't know if he was doing it before, but when he suspects something, he, um, starts coming on to me physically.

I mean, he might not be interested in me for a year, and as soon as he thinks something's up, then he's all hot, and it's so obvious.

Then he, yeah.

And I ask him the other day, "Why are you acting like this all of a sudden?"

And he said, "I don't know."

I said, "I think you do," and that was that.

But he, he won't, he won't confront it-- he just won't.

He doesn't deal with anything like that.

He doesn't deal with problems.

That's why he had his nervous breakdown years ago.

So... Anyway.

So, you know, I have to deal with it.

It's just, I can't leave it go for three reasons.

For myself, number one.

(indistinct) (drawer opens) For myself, number one.

And for Patrick.

I mean, if the, if the situation were reversed, I wouldn't be a real happy person about, you know, if it were Patrick living with a sick, dying person.

Um, and, and for Herb.

(drawer closes) I don't... You know, he, he's playing games, but he knows, he knows what's going on.

And that has to be as painful as just me going.

Well... So yes, I feel guilty, but... Why don't you just do it, then?

Well, I, I'll have to do something.

Never having experienced a really deep love like Diane has seemed to have found with her new young man, I'm concerned about her life that she's had with Herb.

The possibility of losing this ranch.

If she should decide to take off, go with this young man, move in with him, marry him, I don't know what her decisions are going to be, but she's got an awful lot at stake here.

She's, she's built up too much in her life, and Herb is not well.

Time could be very short.

The waiting period for her, I think, would be worth the wait.

I wouldn't want to see it go down the road another five years like it has, but I'm hoping that she'll stick it out and try to save the things that meant so much to her when she started out on this venture with Herb.

Well, you know, and there's been some talk of, of wills and things.

But I don't care who he's left his money to-- I don't care.

If it's me... Oh, for God's sake!

What are you talking about?

Don't be ridiculous!

That's what I'm talking... You care!

You care!

I don't care, I, no, I don't.

You have to care.

Look, I think he may have left the whole $80,000 to me, but I don't care.

It is not going to stop me from doing what I'm doing.

I care, then.

I care.

You care?

You want the $80,000?

No, I care that he left it to you.

Well... Diane, don't even, just... I'll tell you what I'm not willing to do.

No, no, no.

What I'm not willing to... You're talking about a, like a, like a woman in love... I am!

...who, like, that's the only thing that matters, but, you know... No, money matters, but I'm not willing to give up another five years of my life just to, in the hopes of getting certain things-- money and whatever.

I won't do it, I won't give up another five years.

No, I'm not saying you have to give up another five years.

I'm just saying that you have to, to, you know, put a lot of thought.

Oh, I intend to.

You know, you have to put a lot of thought into what you're doing, other than just, you know, the... I know.

It's sex.

Nah.

(laughs): Yeah!

Nah, it's not.

You're just having... No, no, no, it's not sex.

...a good time with this guy and... I'll tell you... No, you might be in love with him, but you have to just be very, very careful and, and use your brain, too.

If Herb doesn't die, and I have to tell him that our relationship is through and I'm going to move, my, my first thought is that he'll react with a lot of pain.

And that he will cry.

But of late, I've wondered if that's true.

I've wondered if he wouldn't just push it away like he does all other pain and problems and just act like it was no big deal.

I'm really not sure how he'll handle it.

"'What does reincarnation mean?'

a cowboy asked his friend.

"His friend replied, 'It happens when your life "'Has reached its end.

"'They comb your hair and wash your neck, "'Clean your fingernails, "'Lay you in a padded box away from life's travails.

"'The box and you gets in a hole "'That's been dug into the ground.

"'Reincarnation starts "'In when you're planted 'neath a mound.

"'Then clods melt down just like your box, "'And you who is inside, and when you're just beginning "'On your transformation ride.

(clears throat) "'In the while, the grass will grow "'Upon your rendered mound, "'Till someday on your moldered grave, "'A lonely flower is found.

"'And say a horse should wander by "'And graze upon this flower "'That once was you, but now has become "'Your vegetative bower.

"'The poultry that the horse done et up "'With his other feed "'Makes bone and fat and muscle essential to the steed.

"'But some is left that he can't use, "'And so it passes through "'And finally lands upon the ground, "'This thing that once was you.

"'Then say by chance I wanders by "'And sees this upon the ground, and I wonders, "'And I wonders at this object that I found.

"'I thinks of reincarnation, of life and death and such, "'And come away concluding: Slim, he ain't changed all that much.'"

I'm getting away with it I'm getting away without breaking a nail No one ever asked me How a girl could live so free Maybe they're all jealous Wanting to be just like me Free Gotta be free If you want to feel like me You gotta be free Free