PBS Wisconsin Documentaries

"Rose Gold" by Zhalarina Sanders

Abortion! Abortion, abortion, abortion. Aaaahhhhboooorshiiiin, abortion, abortion, abortion. The toilet's a place of business. George say, "Mothers don't do what I did," but I told him that abortion smell like bathwater and too many unfamiliar parts of self. My husband is the bad part of a good day so, I flush him. He be like,

imitating a man's voice

"I take care of you, Bobbie. I'm gonna feed you, girl." But my thighs never opened hungry so if you ask me, I think I lost all my babies. You ever see a dead thing, Mister? What'd ya see? Mama with your water still in its loins. My husband come home smelling like who did him and douched after and he... and he... and he... and he beat me in the face if I say something to him 'bout it. So, I just keep my things on the bed in plain sight to torture him in his home. She a silly, sloppy, nasty woman. Like me. Oh, I let her believe they some kind of beautiful or secret and I bet you think Imma unfit mother 'cuz I got 24 years of unclaimed babies, but I never even felt pregnant. The first time. The first time, I ran belly-first into the corner of a TV for two months. You think a women would know how to kill a thing, but it took me a while to learn how to sit on a fist. I bet you think I'm evil, but-- But we all go to the bathroom. Besides, I stopped a long time ago. My body got tired of me and... So, the last time I tried I passed out in my sister's bathroom. She found me and took the broken thing to St. Joseph's Emergency. Got my octopus ink all over her back seat in the process! It was a girl. I thought about claiming it, but it'd probably look more like his ho than me. It... It only took me 11 years to regret that night and I might die without ever seeing my baby, without ever apologizing for sopping up her bones in my panties. I think the day--

breathing fast

I think you die the day the child you meant to kill begins to live. I didn't-- I didn't know how to tell her that black women are disposable. Shadows of good things. That we are protected and raped in the same house.

yelling

I wouldn't-- I wouldn't give him a baby 'cuz I didn't want to look him in the face twice! I bet you think Imma unfit mother, but I can't even hold piss no more! Everything come out. And she don't even know. She got all her body, and don't even know her mama sorry.