Director's Cut

– Announcer: Due to language and adult situations the following film is intended for mature audiences and not suitable for children.

Viewer discretion is advised.

[upbeat music] (cow mooing) (crickets chirping) (glass shattering) (dramatic whooshing) (birds chirping) - Delaney, speaking as your professor, you're one of the brightest student I have ever had the pleasure of teaching.

But speaking as your advisor, your tendency to procrastinate really worry me.

You have to defend your dissertation before the year is over and you have a lot of more work to do.

Please, don't #### this up.

(Delaney sighs) - I promise, Dr. Scherer, I won't #### it up.

- Okay.

(light dramatic music) (Delaney sighs) - [Woman] Hey, how has that show gone tonight?

(muffled talking) (car horn honking) (brakes squeaking) (light dramatic music) (pen scratching) - Good evening.

- Hi, there.

Kinda dead in here tonight, huh?

- It's not so unusual for a Sunday night.

Not at this hour.

What can I do for ya?

- Well, I'm on the verge of finishing up a big project.

- Uh huh.

- In a bit of a celebratory mood.

So, if you could recommend a nice sparkling wine, one that's nice and dry, not at all sweet, if you know what I mean?

- I know exactly what you mean.

- Good.

Got anything that comes close to that, I'll have it.

- I have just the thing.

Oh, would you like to start a tab?

- Oh, yeah, absolutely.

(static buzzing) (rumbling) - This, my friend, is the best damn Prosecco you are ever gonna drink.

It's made from this Italian guy who uses the exact same varietal and the exact same wine making process that his family has used since the 18th century.

In other words, that's what Prosecco used to taste like before they started adding sugar to it.

When you drink that, you're literally gonna be tasting the same exact thing that people hundreds of years ago were tasting.

Now, let me know what you think of that.

- That is delicious.

- Glad you like it.

- You know, to be able to return to the past is a wonderful thing.

- Indeed.

(Paul humming) (light music) (clears throat) (keyboard clicking) (pages rustling) (pen scratching) (light dramatic music) (static buzzing) - Pardon me, uh-- - Mm hm?

- [Paul] Yeah, hey, would you mind if I joined you at your table?

- Uh, why would you want to?

- [Paul] Well, I couldn't help but notice we're the only two people here, you know?

So, I thought that maybe having a little chat was our destiny.

- You're kinda cute, but I'm sure you can see that I'm working.

- I can see that.

I sure can.

As a matter of fact, I was working too.

- Hm?

- Yeah.

Who would have thought?

I was just over there typing on my laptop and I looked up and I noticed that you were writing longhand, and I thought, maybe there's a connection here, you know?

We both like to write, we both like to go to bars alone on a Sunday night, (chuckling).

So, so I thought at the very least we could have a nice conversation, huh?

What do you say, can I buy you a drink?

- I already have a drink.

- Yeah.

That's true.

I'll buy the next round.

- Do people still say that?

Can I buy you a drink?

Do they use that line?

I mean, what is this, the 1970s?

Are you gonna ask me what my sign is next?

- No, no.

It's not a line.

Not coming from me.

Not coming from me, it's not a line.

- Oh, yeah?

Would you walk into a bar and approach a man who was a total stranger and offer to buy him a drink?

- Of course, yeah, definitely.

I mean, if I thought that he looked interesting.

- And you think I look interesting?

- [Paul] I sure do, yeah.

- [Delaney] Mm hm.

- Mm hm.

So what do you say?

Just one drink, a couple of harmless minutes of conversation.

- Okay.

Take a seat, but just for this one drink.

I'm not gonna let one turn to two and two turn to 3:00 a.m., you know what I'm sayin'?

- Oh yeah, I know, I know what you're sayin'.

Um, and I can assure you that the prospect of hooking up with you is just the very last thing on my mind.

- Really?

As long as there have been bars, there have been men approaching women in bars with the soul intention of trying to get in their pants.

So, forgive me if I seem a little skeptical.

- [Paul] That's not just skeptical, that's cynical.

- Well, if I sound cynical that might just be because I have been approached by men like you, repeatedly over the course of my adult life.

- [Paul] Hey, you shouldn't judge all men based on our worst specimens, you know?

- Not all men, huh?

Hm, okay, I see.

So, if you're not hoping to get in my pants, then what are you hoping to accomplish in our very brief time together?

- Well, I thought that we could just learn a little bit about each other and then maybe if we're lucky, if we're lucky, (Delaney laughing) I'll realize that you are someone worth getting to know.

- Mm hm.

- And then maybe you realize that I'm someone worth getting to know.

- Mm hm.

- And then maybe after our brief time together we'll realize that we wanna get to know each other better, huh?

So then, who knows, in a couple days maybe we could get together again for a proper date, a meal and some more conversation.

- So, what you're saying is you wanna try to get in my pants in a few days.

- Oh, no, that's not what I'm saying.

I don't wanna sleep with you, okay?

As a matter of fact, I wouldn't sleep with you tonight even if you begged me to.

- Yeah, right.

- I'm being serious.

I'm, I'm serious.

Just try begging me and see what I have to say in response.

(Delaney sighs) - No.

- Hey, I'm trying to prove a point about my integrity here, okay?

So, just try it and see what happens, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Will you please come home and sleep with me?

- [Paul] That did not sound like begging to me.

- Okay, I beg you to come home with me and sleep with me.

Will you please do it?

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

If you insist, all right, definitely.

(Paul chuckling) - Should I start laughing now or should I wait till it gets funny?

- [Paul] I mean, okay.

It's just a little joke.

- Mm hm.

- All right?

It was funny though.

In all seriousness, let's get to know each other.

- Okay.

- What are you working on?

- I'm working on my dissertation.

- [Paul] No way, in longhand, that's awesome.

- Yeah, I do all my rough drafts in longhand.

I don't switch to the computer till it's time to start rewriting.

- I used to be like that.

- Hm?

- I sure did and then I met someone.

A very special person who convinced me to keep up with times, if you know what I mean?

- Yeah, yeah, I know.

- [Paul] Where do you go to school?

- U of C. - [Paul] Oh wow, that's like Ivy League of the Midwest, huh?

- That's what they say.

- Yeah.

Are you gonna make everybody call you a doctor when you get your PhD?

- #### yeah I am.

I haven't gone through 10 years of college and taken out tens of thousands of dollars in student loans for nothing.

- Hm.

What's the topic of your dissertation?

- Um, 19th century Russian literature.

- No.

No way.

Are you seriously?

This is uh, I love 19th century Russian literature.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I'm crazy about Dostoyevsky and Tolstoy, obviously.

- Obviously.

- [Paul] But I also really love Gogol.

- Gogol?

- Mm hm.

- Okay, well, now I have to admit I am impressed.

- I think that Dead Souls is the funniest ####in' book I've ever read.

- [Delaney] Is that right?

- Yeah, it really appeals to my sense of the absurd.

- [Delaney] Were you a lit major too?

- No, uh, no.

More or less self educated, but I am a writer.

- Of course you are.

- Yeah.

And I take a whole lot of inspiration from these 19th century dudes.

I'm all about studying the masters.

- That's a wise policy.

- Yeah.

But you know, the thing that I like the most about 19th century Russian literature?

- Please tell me.

- Just the scope of it, you know?

All those novels are just so big and epic and objective and third person, but then you read a book like The Brothers Karamazov, you know?

And you really feel like you get a sense of the society that these characters lived in, from top to bottom.

And fiction writing today is just the opposite.

It's all first person and small scale and focused on the subjective experiences of the individual and what not.

- And let me guess, you wanna write the kind of novels that would bring this 19th century Russian perspective back into style?

- Well, maybe not that perspective exactly, but something similar.

Something that takes into account the fact that we're all living on the internet.

- It's funny, I feel like I have to leave my house these days if I wanna get any work done or get any privacy.

Isn't that crazy?

I actually leave my phone at home and come to bars like this one just so I can write.

- [Paul] Yeah, it used to just be the opposite.

- Exactly.

You know, it's funny you should mention The Brothers Karamazov.

That's what my dissertation's about.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

- How about that.

- It's specifically about the concept of moral legacy, you know, the idea that like, an entire system of moral essence can be passed down from one person to another.

So, I'm examining the various ways that characters do that in the novel.

You know what I'm saying, right?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Uh, it's actually my favorite Dostoyevsky novel, if you can believe it.

It's just, I read it back in high school.

So, I don't really remember the specifics all that well.

- You haven't read it, have you?

- No, I have, I have.

I certainly have, it's just it's been like 10 years.

- [Delaney] You know what I think?

- What?

- I think you are a bull#### artist and a wannabe ladies man, but the sensitive, liberal kind.

That kind that likes to call himself a feminist 'cause he thinks it'll help him get laid.

I think that the minute you came over to this table, you were gonna tell me whatever you thought I wanted to hear.

Like, if I said I was veterinarian, for instance, I bet you would have become the world's biggest animal lover right here on the spot, am I right?

- I am the world's biggest animal lover-- - You would have told me whatever you thought I wanted to hear so that you could get my phone number before we parted ways tonight.

Am I right?

- You're not right.

In fact, you're wrong.

- Hm.

- Hm.

- Okay.

Then I propose we play a little game.

It's called strip literary trivia.

- Strip.

Strip, strip literary trivia?

- [Delaney] Yeah.

You ever play a strip poker?

- Oh, yeah, I mean once like uh, it was a long time ago.

With my babysitter.

- [Delaney] Your babysitter?

- It was totally innocent.

I was nine, she was 16 and we both put on like a ton of extra clothes before, you know?

Like scarves and hats and two extra pair of socks each.

So, even though we played poker for like two hours, neither one of us even got close to gettin' naked.

It was totally innocent.

- Wow, she sounds like the world's worst babysitter.

Anyway, the game I'm proposing we play is kinda like strip poker, except instead of playing cards, I want you to try to name all the Brothers Karamazov.

For every brother you name correctly, I will remove one article of clothing.

For every brother you name incorrectly, you will remove an article of clothing.

- I just, I don't know, you know?

It's like I said, it's been a long time and so-- - What's the matter, you scared?

- Scared, no, no, no.

No, not scared, no.

But, this is a public place, you know?

- The owner is behind the bar.

He's the only one working tonight.

He's not gonna leave that bar unmanned and come over here.

- Yeah.

(bartender sighs) What if somebody else comes in?

- That's just a chance you have to take.

(Paul groaning) - Gee, I don't, I don't know.

You know, that's, I don't, that's.

- Oh, my God.

You said it was your favorite Dostoyevsky novel.

If you can't name all the Brothers Karamazov, then are admitting to me that you are a total ####ing poser.

- Okay, do you take off your shoes one at a time in strip literary trivia?

Or do they count as a single unit of clothing?

- [Delaney] Jesus Christ, do you buy your shoes one at a time or do you buy them together?

- Ah, I see.

- Shoes count as a single unit of clothing, goofball.

- Do your glasses count as a unit of clothing?

- No.

If you play your cards right, I'll be sitting in front of you in just a few minutes time, completely naked.

Except for these glasses.

- Okay, I'll play.

- Okay, name a Brother Karamazov.

- [Paul] Wait, what's your name?

- I'm Delaney.

- Delaney?

- Yeah, it's my mother's maiden name.

- Oh, that is the best.

That is just the coolest thing ever.

I love it when last names become first names, you know?

I'm Paul.

- Okay, Paul, name a Karamazov brother.

- Okay, okay.

The first name that springs to mind is Alyosha, huh?

He's the hero of this mother####in' book and I've never forgotten it.

- All right.

For that correct answer, I will remove my shoes.

Now, name another brother.

- All right, the second name that springs to mind is uh, you know, I just, I can't, I can't remember.

- [Delaney] There's a 30 second time limit.

- Huh, come, what?

You can't just make up rules as we're going along.

- [Delaney] Those are the official rules.

- Yeah, okay.

- [Delaney] You now have 20 seconds.

- ####.

Okay, um, is there a brother named Andre?

- [Delaney] Wrong.

Take off an article of clothing.

- All right, I'm gonna take off my shoes.

- Hm.

Okay, name another brother.

You have 30 seconds.

- ####, okay.

Huh.

All right, what are some Russian names?

Just, any, Putin, is that it?

That's yeah, Vladimir, sure.

(Delaney giggling) Vladimir?

- No, take off an article of clothing.

- I'm gonna take off my socks.

They don't smell bad.

- Mm hm.

- I promise.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Stylish socks, Paul.

Name another brother.

- Okay, all right, if memory serves, I believe that there may have been some self reflexivity on Dostoyevsky's part.

And he very well may could have named one of those brothers Fyodor.

- Wrong.

(chuckling) - Goddammit, ####.

- Fyodor was the name of the father of the Karamazov clan.

- The dad, ####.

- Mm hm.

Take off an article of clothing.

- All right.

So, Fyodor was the dad, huh?

- Twist.

- Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, of course, the dad.

Dad.

- All right.

- All right.

- Name another brother if you can.

- Okay, I'm gonna take my time.

I'm gonna take my time with this one.

- [Delaney] Okay.

- Taking my time.

- You have 15 seconds.

(Paul hushes) - Hold on, is it Hassad, Richard?

No, it's not Richard.

- Five seconds.

- Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

Ivan.

Ivan.

- You are correct.

- I knew that.

I knew it.

You thought that I didn't know, but I certainly did.

Don't #### with me.

- All right, oh, okay.

Okay, Paul, let's just cool it with the testosterone a little bit.

- Okay.

- Okay?

- Okay, sure, yeah.

- Okay?

- Sorry.

- Especially because I'm about to remove my blouse.

(light dramatic music) - Ah, okay.

Well, you know, Delaney, I just, I have so much respect for you that I'm just, I'm really having a hard time looking.

I'm just trying to look everywhere except at your breasts right now.

- It's okay, Paul.

You can look wherever you want.

The whole point of this game is to look.

- Just look, it's a game.

Hm.

That's a nice bra.

- [Delaney] Really?

What do you like about it?

- Well, it's uh, it's just, it's surprising to me.

- [Delaney] How so?

- I just, I didn't expect, I didn't expect it to be so sexy.

You know, considering the rest of your attire is so conservative.

- I have no clue what you're talking about.

- Well, you just had this like sexy librarian thing going on and it's-- - Okay, let's get back to the game, Paul.

- Okay, sure.

- Okay, name another brother.

You have 30 seconds.

- Whoa, I, okay, hold on.

I just, I can't um, I can't think about anything-- - You have 20 seconds.

- All right, just put your shirt back on.

That'd be great.

Just take a timeout, put the shirt back on, time back in, it'll come to me.

- You have 10 seconds.

- Well, I mean, is it Bob?

Is Bob?

- Bob Karamazov?

Short for Robert?

- Bobby, maybe?

- No, take off an article of clothing.

I guess my pants are coming off.

Okay.

See if I can do this without standing up.

(belt clinking) (zipper buzzing) Just give me a second.

(chair creaking) Tight, they're tight around my calf.

You good, you good?

- You're doing great.

All right.

It's do or die time, Paul.

Name another brother.

- This is crazy.

- Hm?

- Yeah.

- You have 20 seconds.

- You know, this is a lot like the story of the guy who buys the magic carpet, but he's told that it'll only fly if he doesn't think of an ass.

So, of course, all he can do is think of an ass.

- [Delaney] You have 10 seconds.

- That's right, yeah, well, it's not gonna fly 'cause thinking of that ass.

- Time's up.

What's your final answer?

- My final answer is that I'm an ass.

- [Delaney] Take off an article of clothing.

- All I have left is my underwear.

- Take it off and put it on the table.

- Are you serious?

- I'm as serious as a heart attack.

Now, take it off.

- Just for the record, this was a lot more fun when I played with the babysitter.

(light dramatic music) - What the hell?

- The other Karamazov brothers are Dmitri and Pavel.

Have a good night.

Thank you so much, bye.

- Delaney, hey wait a second there.

Delaney, hey come on.

We're just playing a game, man, okay?

This is just a game.

Delaney'll tell you, Delaney.

Uh, I almost guessed Dmitri too, if you can believe it.

So, uh, yeah.

I guess I'm ready to close my tab.

- Uh, she didn't pay her tab.

Are you gonna pick up her drinks as well?

- Yes, yeah, yeah, I'd be happy to.

- Okay, I'll go get your bill.

- All right.

- And do me a favor and put your damn clothes back on.

- Sure.

I guess I'm gonna have to pay.

(groaning) (muffled talking) (static buzzing) (light music) (birds chirping) (door creaking) (keys jingling) - [Andy] Hurry up, slowpoke.

- I'm hurrying.

- Hey, hey.

- Huh?

(chuckling) - Oh, my God.

- Watch it.

- Sorry, sorry.

(Rob laughing) (muffled talking) - Beautiful day, huh?

- Gorgeous.

Absolutely gorgeous.

(Rob gasping) - And here's the first one.

- First one what?

- Dog.

- Oh, yeah.

There's so many in this damn neighborhood, it's like a requirement if you-- - Come on, Storm nugget.

- Wanna live here something.

- Let's go.

- We don't have one, yet.

- Yet?

Oh, that's that dog whose name I can never remember.

- I think it's something like Snake Eyes.

- It's not Snake Eyes.

- I know it's not, but it's something like that.

Hi there, little guy.

- [Sydney] Hey, guys.

(chuckling) - Hi.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- What's his name again?

- He's Storm, I'm Sydney.

- Storm, that's right.

- Yeah.

- Hi there, Storm.

How are you?

Oh, you're a good little guy, aren't you?

Yes, you are.

- Well, he's not always good.

Believe me, he can get into some serious mischief.

- [Rob] Where have you been?

Have you been to the lake?

- Yeah, he was frolicking in the sand all morning.

Now, he is worn out.

- [Rob] Oh.

- That's what we're about to do.

- You're gonna frolic in the sand?

- Yes, absolutely.

(chuckling) - How old is he?

- He just turned two.

- Oh, he's still a puppy, huh?

- [Sydney] Uh, not quite.

I mean, he quit growing about six months ago.

- He doesn't know anything about dogs.

- Yeah, I do.

I had a dog when I was a kid.

- You did?

- Yeah, just because I didn't have 500 of 'em like you, doesn't mean I'm not a dog person.

- Trust me, he's a cat person.

- Well, maybe he can be both?

- Both?

There's no such thing.

It's like with The Beatles and The Stones, you know?

Everyone has a preference.

- Hey, I like both The Beatles and The Stones.

- Hm.

- Yeah, but I bet you like one more.

- That's true, I do prefer The Beatles.

- And he prefers cats.

- Okay, Rob, say goodbye to Storm.

- Oh, goodbye, Storm.

- Bye, guys.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- [Sydney] Come on.

- See ya.

(Rob giggling) (Andy laughing) - Have you ever noticed that pet owners often look exactly like their pets?

- [Andy] I don't know, I've never really thought about it.

I guess I have noticed that rich people seem to like Golden Retrievers.

(both laughing) - I think it's because people tend to pick pets that they feel some kind of deep connection to when they first look at them.

It's like they're seeing themselves or something.

- You think that woman looked like her dog?

According to that logic, shouldn't she be black?

- Well, she does always wear black clothing.

- That's true.

And hey, what's this business about we don't have a dog yet?

- Oh, well, I just thought that maybe you wouldn't mind having one in the not too distance future.

Especially since you had one growing up and you are apparently both a cat person and a dog person.

- We had a dog from the time I was five until I was ten.

She was a Cocker Spaniel and her name was Fancy.

- Well, now, I have to admit.

That is a fabulous name.

- Thank you.

- Mm hm.

- I named her.

(Rob gasping) Uh huh.

- What happened to her?

- She got hit by a car.

- Oh, that's so sad.

- Yeah, so, we didn't get a dog after that, and my parents are primarily cat people.

So, we had cats growing up.

But, let me tell you something.

I think that cats and dogs can peacefully coexist.

- Is that right?

- Yeah.

You know, in fact, I hate the phrase fighting like cats and dogs because cats and dogs aren't mortal enemies.

If you raise them right, they'll get along just fine.

Fancy got along just fine with three cats.

- So, you believe in nurture over nature?

- I guess I do.

Or maybe I'm just an optimist.

- You are an optimist, I love that about you.

(Andy laughing) But, maybe we should have talked about whether we wanted to have cats or dogs as pets before we moved in together.

- [Andy] Hey, maybe we should have waited longer than three months before we moved in with each other.

- [Rob] Hey, when you know, you know.

- I guess.

(light music) (train whirring) - Ooh, here comes another one.

(Rob gasping) - Oh, boy.

- I have never-- - Come on.

- [Rob] Seen this dog before, have you?

- [Andy] No, I don't think so.

- Oh, it's a Shih Tzu.

Hey there, sweet thing.

How is it going?

Do you mind if I pet her?

- Not at all, she loves the attention-- - Come here, come here.

- I'm curious how you knew she was a female though.

- Yeah, how did you know?

It's not like she has a pink collar or anything.

- Oh, I don't know.

I guess she just has a feminine look about her.

- Yeah, she does.

Do you wanna pet her too?

- Sure.

- Oh.

- What's her name?

- [Tess] Sophie.

- Aw.

- Oh, she looks like a Sophie.

- That she does.

I'm Tess, by the way.

- I'm Rob, this is Andy.

- [Tess] Nice to meet you guys.

- See, this is the kind of dog I could see us maybe getting.

Nice and small.

- He wants a dog that's the size of a cat because he's a cat person.

- Not exclusively.

- Well, if you're in the market for a dog, Shih Tzu's are really great.

They're very low maintenance and very sweet and loving.

- [Rob] Hear that?

- I'll take it under advisement.

- Take it under advisement.

What are you a judge in a ####king court of law?

- Hey.

- Another good thing about Shih Tzu's is, they don't really bark all that much.

- Ooh, that's good to know.

I don't want a yappy dog in our home.

- That's 'cause you're a yappy dog.

Our house isn't big enough for two of you.

Well, it was nice to meet you, Sophie.

And you too, Tess, I'm sure we'll see you around.

- Oh yeah, we're always out walking, so.

(chuckling) - Come on, Soph.

- All right.

All right.

- Nice talking to you boys.

- Bye.

- You too.

Bye.

- See ya.

- Come on.

- Do you think it was rude that I asked her what her dog's name was, but I didn't ask her what her name was?

- Of course I do.

Did you notice she looked exactly like her dog?

- I did, actually.

(light music) Hm.

(birds chirping) (Andy sighs) Oh, hey.

Oh, my God, look at that.

- What?

- It's a kitty.

- Where?

- Over there in that window.

- Oh, Jesus, how can you even see that from here?

- I don't know.

I must have like cat radar or something.

Let's go pay him a visit.

Come on, come on.

- Okay.

- Oh.

Oh, isn't he adorable?

Don't you think so?

- Yeah, he's all right.

- Hey, I said that I was willing to have a dog.

Are you willing to have a cat?

- I guess I would.

- Really?

- Yeah, I don't see why we couldn't have one of each.

- You know what I love about city cats?

- What?

- I love that city cats like sitting in the window and staring out at the world.

It's like, everything that's happening out here is their favorite TV show and they can just tune in whenever they want.

- Yeah, I suppose it's like a reality show that runs for 24 hours a day, except nothing exciting ever happens.

- No, I disagree with that.

I mean, they can see squirrels and birds and that's like porn for a cat.

And the weather is always changing and the lighting's always changing and there's cars going by and people going by.

Like, special guest stars like you and me.

- Well, at least I'm special guest star in somebody's life.

Have you ever thought about the fact that to cats, we humans must seem like giants?

- No, Rob, not just giants, but Gods.

- Shut up.

- All right.

Aw, let's go.

- Hey.

- Yeah, what's up?

- I wanted to talk to you.

- Okay, what's going on?

- I was gonna wait until we got to the beach, but I figure, what the hell, might as well get it out now.

(car alarm blaring) (Rob gasping) - Oh, ####, ####, ####, ####, ####.

(car beeping) Sorry.

- Sorry.

(light music) Well, here we are.

- Yup, here we are.

- I love that we live so close to this lake.

- We should come here on a regular basis all summer long.

- Yeah.

I think Chicago is the greatest city in the US, but I don't think I would feel that way if it wasn't for the lake.

Lake Michigan really defines this city.

Like, you have this massive body of water to the east and it's so huge that all you see is water and sky when you look in that direction.

But then when you turn around to the west, you have this huge metropolis, and Lake Shore Drive separates the two.

- That's right.

It starts out north on Hollywood, water is on the driving side.

Concrete mountains rearing up, throwing shadows just about five.

Hm.

- So, what did you wanna talk to me about earlier?

- I...

Wanted to ask you.

- Rob, spit it out.

You're, you're scaring me.

- Do you want to get married?

- Are you asking me like a hypothetical question?

Like, do you think like it would be a good idea or are you asking me for real?

- I'm asking you if you wanna get married.

- Yes, yes, I wanna get married.

- ####, I shoulda done this first.

Andy, will you marry me?

- Yes, yes!

Oh, my God.

It fits perfectly.

I, I can't believe this.

(light music) (Andy gasping) For Christ's sake, you scared me.

I thought you were gonna say you were sick or something.

- I picked up the ring from the jewelers yesterday and I've had it in my pants pocket ever since.

I've never felt so nervous having something in my pocket before in my life.

- I didn't think that you were serious.

You're supposed to get down on your knee and take out the box before you ask me.

- I know, I ####ed it all up.

I didn't think about the order in which I was supposed to do all that.

- No.

- I am sorry.

- It's okay, it's perfect.

But I was thinking, is he asking me to marry him without getting me a ring?

Because if I say yes, then he can run out and get one real quick.

But if I say no, then he doesn't have to get one.

- Yeah, that's probably what I shoulda done.

(chuckling) - Oh.

I love you.

- I love you too.

- So when did you know you wanted to ask me?

- I decided pretty much as soon as we moved in together.

- Well, that's good 'cause if you didn't, I was gonna ask you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Now we have to get you a ring.

- Sounds good.

I have to admit, I was a little nervous earlier when you were expressing some skepticism about dogs.

- I wasn't expressing skepticism.

- Even so, you were making me have second thoughts, but when you said you could envision us having a Shih Tzu, I breathed a huge ####ing sigh of relief.

- Well, yeah, I'm glad that I said the right thing.

- Oh, me too.

- Huh.

Well, I breathed a sigh of relief when you said that you were willing to have a cat.

- Is that so?

- Yeah.

- So, are you ready to go home now?

- No.

(Andy sighs) I know there's a whole bunch of phone calls that we need to make, but I think I just wanna sit here with you and take in the lake.

- Sounds like heaven.

(light music) (waves crashing) - Mother###### (fist thudding) - Baby, this is, oh, I can, this is not what it looks like.

I can explain everything.

- Explain who the #### is this?

In my bed?

- Jesus Christ, Wyatt, you didn't tell me you lived with her.

- You didn't tell her that you lived with me?

Who the #### are you?

- I'm getting the #### outta here, that's who I am.

- Yeah, you are.

- Honey, uh, just, I'll call you, okay?

Just, I'm sorry.

Okay, listen to me.

She is a coworker of mine.

She needed help with a special project and so I invited her over here-- - Special project?

Oh, I bet you just gave her some help with that, huh?

- Listen.

We were not doing anything wrong, okay?

I know it looks weird from your perspective, but I swear to God it was totally innocent.

Just let me explain everything.

- Explain, no ####ing way.

You're not gonna explain ####.

You're gonna get the #### out of here, and you're never coming back.

- Okay, okay, I know you are upset.

Okay, so I'm just gonna get dressed and then I'll leave.

(Julie scoffs) And then in a few hours when you are calmed down and ready to talk about this rationally, you just give me a call and we'll talk about it, okay?

- To think I brought you cupcakes from Jilly May's.

I thought I was gonna surprise you with your favorite dessert.

I guess I'm the one who got the surprise.

You know what you're gonna do?

You're gonna eat these cupcakes right now you lying, cheating mother####er.

(cupcake thudding) (Julie groaning) Eat it!

That's right, eat it!

(Wyatt sighing) - You done now?

Make you feel better?

- No, I'm most certainly not done.

(Julie groaning) Now you can get the #### out of here.

- Baby, can I just get the rest of clothes please?

- No, you can't get your clothes first.

I'll throw 'em out the window and you can pick 'em up off the goddamn ground.

(door slamming) (dramatic music) (buckle clanking) (chest creaking) Take it.

Take it.

Take it all, Wyatt.

Take your whole ####ing wardrobe.

#### you.

- Okay, thank you.

- You know what else I want you to take with you?

I want you to take this ####ing Blu-ray player with you.

- [Wyatt] No, no, no.

(Blu-ray player crashing) - This is the year 2018, Wyatt.

Who uses physical media anymore?

You need to keep up with the times, mother####er.

(Wyatt sighs) Hi, is this Speedy Locksmith?

Uh, yeah, my name is Julie Nerlove, I need the locks on my apartment changed.

I have this psycho ex-boyfriend and I need them changed immediately.

Uh, yeah, I'll hold.

(Julie sighs) (muffled children talking) Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, dude.

####ing ew.

(Julie shrieking) (dramatic music) (lighter clicking) And those were my good sheets, too.

Super high thread count.

(Julie sighs) (lighter clicking) (Julie sighs) (lighter clicking) (lighter thudding) (Julie sighs) (Julie moaning) I love coffee.

Like, I'm obsessed with it.

So much so that I don't trust people who don't drink it, and I'm mildly skeptical of people who use cream and sugar.

Wyatt uses cream and sugar.

Should have been a red flag.

I'm sorry, I feel the need to apologize.

I really do because that scene that you just witnessed was really out of character for me.

I mean, it was pretty dramatic, right?

I'm not talking about the profanity, I've always had kind of a potty mouth.

I mean, mother####er is probably my favorite word of all time.

It usually has a positive connotation when I use it.

Like, I'll say like, I love that mother###### Obviously, that wasn't the case today.

(Julie sighs) Anyway, I actually hate dramatic people.

And the people I hate most of all are the ones who say they hate drama, because I think that they secretly love it.

And if you truly hated drama, you'd be better at avoiding it.

You know what I mean?

Anyway.

If you were to ask anyone who knows me well, they'd tell you that my behavior just now was extremely atypical.

Besides, I think my reaction was fitting given the dramatic nature of the scene that I just walked in on.

Catching my boyfriend in bed with another woman.

That is a first time that anything like that has ever happened to me.

I left work early.

Normally, I'd call him, let him know.

This time, I thought I'd surprise him with cupcakes.

Well.

You know, you saw what happened.

The tail end of it anyway.

I'm guessing maybe you were interested in watching precisely because it was so dramatic, huh?

I guess I should feel a little bit grateful for that.

I mean, it is a little flattering that you were interested in watching me.

Because there are so many people and places and things you could be looking at right now, but for some reason you found me interesting.

Or watchable, or maybe even attractive.

There's something about the way you're looking at me that I like.

I feel like your gaze is caressing me.

It's not like a skeevy look or anything.

It's more like a loving look.

One that makes me feel uh, appreciated.

I'm gonna give you an analogy.

Have you ever heard the phrase, the camera loved so and so?

You hear people say that about the movie stars, you know?

Like, the camera loved Marlene Dietrich or whoever.

Well, I feel like that phrase is only half true.

I don't think the camera can love someone unless that person also loves the camera.

I guess this is my roundabout way of saying that, the truth is, I find you attractive, too.

I've always found voyeurism a little bit sexy.

Not that I'm particularly kinky or anything.

Mind you my taste is sex is pretty vanilla, actually.

Who knows, that's why Wyatt had that other woman over here.

Anyway, am I saying too much?

I hope not.

I just, I think it's best to be honest and straight forward.

(Julie sighs) I'm one of those my life is an open book kinda people.

Also, when I say I'm attracted you I hope you don't think that means you're some kind of rebound or something.

Well, (stuttering), I don't mean, I mean, I don't think of you as an old basketball or anything.

It's just that I've always been a serial monogamist.

Do you know what that means?

It means I kinda go from one long term relationship to another.

I can't help it.

When I meet someone I like, I just want it to be all or nothing.

Hope you don't think that's weird.

I just, (sighs), feel very open with you.

Like I could tell you anything.

That is not something I say to just anyone.

I promise, it's not typical.

And there have been some dry spells in between relationships, believe me.

So, don't let that serial monogamy talk freak you out too much.

When the chemistry is there, I just don't think there's any sense in denying it.

And the chemistry that I feel with you right now seems to be very genuine.

So, let's not deny it.

Would you like to dance to me?

I mean, I love to sing and dance.

Even though I might not be very good at it.

That's something you should know about me.

I think that all of life's big occasions should be celebrated with song and dance numbers.

That's a good way of remembering things, you know?

I mean, if we were to sing and dance together right now, it could be a good way for us to commemorate the end of my relationship with that ###hole.

And who knows, I, maybe it could also be a way for us to commemorate the beginning of something new.

Something new between us.

Well, I don't wanna count my chickens before they hatch or anything, but...

I could see myself falling for you.

Come on, let's dance.

This is one of my favorite songs.

It's Eva Taylor singing Baby, Won't You Please Come Home.

I used to sing this is the metro in Paris.

("Baby, Won't You Please Come Home" by Eva Taylor) I've got the blues I feel so lonely I'd give the world if I could only Make you understand It surely would be grand I'm going to telegraph you baby Ask you won't you please come home 'Cause when you're gone I worry all day long Oh, baby, won't you please come home 'Cause your mama's all alone I have tried in vain Never more to call your name When you left you broke my heart But that will never make us part Every hour in the day You will hear me say Baby, won't you please come home Cruel papa Baby, won't you please come home Oh, papa, won't you please come home 'Cause your mama's all alone I have cried in vain Never more to call your name When you left you broke my heart But that will never make us part Ever since you've been gone All my things are in parts Baby, won't you please come home You old mean thing Daddy, won't you please come home But you're a sweet thing Baby, won't you please come home (Julie laughing) (buzzing) (light music) (light dramatic music) - Rendezvous in Chicago is available for streaming at Amazon Prime.