Hair care, nail care, skin care and problems.
Bang repair, because you cut them yourself.
Hype repair, from women who comment on your J-Lo glow.
Spirit repair because you found a condom in his winter coat pocket, and it's spring.
Tea in the shade of the ebbs and flows of grown-a** women with no filter.
Bring your worst in here to be your best out there.
A space that teaches you to dance it out and shake it off.
A space, where attitude is everything, even when you're slightly bitter.
Putifresca!
[all chanting indistinguishably] Cristina, you're late.
Sit your flaca a** down in the chair, you're gonna make me lose clients.
Girl, can I get some cafecito first please?
Man, you're making get up all early in the morning... Ha!
It's the middle of the day c*****, hello!
You got two "American" minutes, and I mean it.
I'll do something to my face, pero me da cosa.
I can see the before and after on Instagram and it's very motivating.
But what if I get a reaction?
Or my face freezes like Linda Evangelical?
Evangelista.
Que dije?
Girl, her face didn't freeze, she was doing that freezing thing but instead of freezing the fat from her neck, her neck had a reaction an it grew as big as these rolos.
Ay, no!
Yep.
And then she hid herself away for many years, until the "inclusion train" caught up to her and they were all like, "No!
We want all of you- " [Mari] jodida y todo, on the cover of Vogue.
She felt seen again, like she was no longer a leper in hiding.
She walks into her fancy Vogue session and they tie a giant red latex bandana around her face, like a botched Little Red Riding Hood and told her to "pretend it's the 90's."
The quote on the cover read "I'm just trying to love myself...as I am."
Ay no Nikki, eso me da calofrío, I just can't do it.
Ay exagerada.
I'll take my chances to up my chances Booboop!
The same thing happened to my Tia Cunny in Colombia.
Sit down, Cristina.
Say that 3 times fast!
Tu tia Cunny in Colombia Good job!
My Tia Cunny over did it, y'all.
And then one day she was walking around el barrio, and she was waving at people but nobody was waving back.
Sientate, Cristina.
Girl she thought she died and was like Walking Dead, but really, she was just unrecognizable.
Like in a good way- No.
[Nikki] Professional face flippers know you only do a little bit at a time.
Besides, you can only put so much on credit.
[Lupe] Ay, I don't like debt.
[Nikki] El que quiere cara bonita, aguanta credito malo.
[someone gasps] Holy Virgin de Guadalupe!
Your hair is orange!
[Mari] Like a rotting pumpkin.
Like...Chucky.
I wanted to see what I looked like as a blonde alright, I've always wanted to.
But it's not blonde.
Estas oxidada.
Did you try to go blonde from a box kit?
[Cristina] Yeah... [Mari] Latinas do not go blonde from a box, ma!
You women don't keep your hair appointments, entonces, vienen con esta desgracia that I gotta fix.
This one with the terrible Tik Tok bangs.
Y tu!
Jumping from salon to salon, fixing your own nails when you should be fixing that d*** face.
Y tu.
[Mari] Thinking that you're a white woman on a Feria box at CVS.
Well Putifrescas, I've got shmancer.
Is "schmancer" cancer?
Yep.
[Nikki] That is a very uncomfortable way for you to deliver some very heavy news, Nina.
When did you find out?
Well, I was on the p**** colon cleanse that Nikki wouldn't stop talking I went to the doctor to check everything out and I found out I have this thing on my kidney and... it's cancerous.
But, the kind of cancer you wanna have... if you have to have cancer.
Oh my God.
Caffeine enema!
Say it in English.
Ay on Google, search "the vegan, comma, pastelito lady" [Nikki] Love!
[Cristina scoffs] Yes, she got cancer and did caffeine enema once a week for a year, totally in remission.
[Cristina] No s***, cured?
No, actually she's dead.
[Nikki] No shit... [Mari] Like really dead.
[Lupe] Ay.
Anyone need a little Xanax?
Ay si por favor.
I don't do drugs, I just eat edibles.
Oh, girl these aren't drugs, my doctor prescribed them.
Pero mira, te traje edibles to help you relax.
Nina, quieres que te ponga un Xanax en un tissue para maybe later?
[Cristina] No thanks Nikki, I'm good.
Just save your pastillas.
You right girl, I think my doctor's on to me.
So.
How do you feel?
[takes a deep breath] Im right here, right now.
Everything is okay.
I'm okay.
So what do you want to do?
Just shave it off girl.
The hair's coming out anyway.
Bueno.
Vamos.
[Lupe] Me emociono!
[Nikki] Mira que tu vas hacer la Latina G.I.
Jane.
[Cristina] Mensa!
[Lupe] Te pareces como una calabaza de Halloween.
[all chatting in Spanish] Bring your worst in here, to be your best out there.
A space that teaches you t dance it out and shake it off.
A space, where attitude is everything... ...even when you're slightly bitter.
♪♪
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