-What?
Aaaah!
[ Gate opens ] [ Doorbell rings ] -You alright?
-Hiya.
-You here to see Mr. Bedford?
-Yeah.
Well, sort of.
-He's dead.
-No, I know.
I'm here to, uh... -What?
-I'm here to clean up the blood.
-What?
-I'm here to clean up his blood!
I'm a crime scene cleaner.
-Well, why you ringing the doorbell if you know he's dead?
-I thought his relatives might be in, no?
-No, he didn't have any.
Just a dog.
-Well.
Here's the thing -- some dogs can open doors these days.
My mate Daz, he taught his dog to walk on its hind legs.
In the end, that's the only way it walked.
It was weird seeing him round town.
Just looked like he was hanging out with a hairy kid that kept...on pavements.
Good chat.
Ah, no.
Ah!
[ Sighs ] [ Thunder rumbles ] [ Doorbell rings ] -What -- -This felt more polite.
-Right.
Got another dog story?
-I am so sorry about that.
So stupid of me going on about walking.
-What?
-Hey.
Um, my phone's run out of charge, and I've got the wrong keys for next door and it's chucking it down.
-Okay.
-I couldn't plug it in, could I, phone the boss?
Save me running back to the office.
-I can't imagine you've done a lot of running lately.
You can use my phone.
-Really?
-Get up!
-[ Grunts ] -You okay?
-Yes, it's middle age, isn't it?
The old legs not what they once were.
Bad legs.
Bad legs.
I'll just get my stuff.
-Uh, what's in the lunch box?
-A ham sandwich.
-Well, that can stay out there.
-Why?
-I'm vegan.
-Course you are.
-Charger.
-Thanks.
[ Sighs ] This is so nice of you.
-Are you surprised to meet a nice disabled person?
-Dis-- You're not -- Are you dis-- You-- You're not disabled.
You shouldn't say that about yourself.
You're special, and not special needs.
I bet you've got exams, have you?
Course you have.
Can you re-- Course you can read, come on!
-So you didn't notice the wheelchair?
-Yeah, I suppose I did.
My peripheral vision, I must have clocked it, like you do with fat people, I must have thought, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, fat."
-Fat?
-You're not fat, you're thin.
Not too thin, you're about the right weight, are you?
-The phone's in there.
-Yeah.
-Left!
-It's here!
-...hell.
-It's fine.
When are they sending someone?
Yeah, no, no, it's fine.
Yeah, I can wait, course.
Alright.
[ Wheelchair approaching ] Alright, boss.
[ Clears throat ] They're sending someone over.
-Okay.
-Well...
I'll be off.
-Uh, hey!
-Yes?
-Please could you get the orange?
-Oh!
Yes, of course.
Yeah, I just -- I didn't like to presume.
-Presume what?
-Presume you didn't have a system.
-A system for getting an orange out from under a sofa?
-Yeah, yeah.
My mate works at a rehabilitation center for, um -- and he says you should never presume.
They might find it humiliating.
-They?
-Yeah, they, them.
You -- Legs.
-Well, in this instance, isn't it just being nice, to get the orange for me?
-Of course.
I shouldn't be listening to Weasel anyway.
He shouldn't be allowed to work there.
He's a dirty bastard.
He'll bone anyone.
-Oh, even me?
-Oh, my God, he'd be all over you.
-And do I not want to get boned?
-Not by Weasel.
He's only got three teeth.
-Could you just get the orange for me, please?
-I'll get the orange.
-Thank you.
-Ah!
-Uh-oh, old legs playing up again?
-My bloody back's gone.
-Oh, has it?
-Do you mind if I just -- Sor-- Sorry.
[ Grunts ] There she goes, that's sore.
Ooh, it stings.
Oh, when it goes, it goes.
Look, can I wait here till they come?
-Course.
I didn't like to presume.
-Oh, yeah, that's funny, because of the, uh -- the legs.
-It's not just murders.
Sometimes it's suicides or just accidents, you know.
-So what happened to Bedford?
-Oh, I shouldn't say.
-What?
Tell me.
-Well, he was on his own when he died, and they didn't find him, and his dog was there.
So it, uh... -What?
-It sort of ate his head a bit.
-Good.
-Good?
-Well, he never walked that dog.
He deserves to get his head eaten by it.
-Oh, right.
So I'm not allowed to have a ham sandwich, but it's alright for a dog to tuck into Mr. Bedford?
Into his headford?
-Of course, it's a dog!
It doesn't know any better.
-Yeah.
Mr. Bedford's deadford, so dog ate his headford.
It's not appropriate this, is it?
Any of this?
-No.
-No.
[ Telephone ringing ] -Oh.
-Landline?
Old school.
-Yeah, Mum's idea.
It's good backup, apparently.
This'll be her now.
-She's probably worried you're stuck under the sofa trying to get a trapped orange.
-Hm.
-Um, uh, hi, uh, Helena, it-- it's me.
Um, look, I'm sorry to call, it's just I -- I'm do-- I'm doing pretty terrible at the moment, and I... -Oh.
-...and I needed to -- to hear the sound of your voice.
Um, uh, I-I thought it would be a good idea to -- to look at -- at some photos, um, of us, you know, as part of a-a healing process, I-I suppose, but I just -- I just miss you so much, Helena.
I-I thought I'd get over it, but I can't.
[ Cries ] Oh, God!
[ Cries ] I'm sorry.
-Oh, shall I?
-I didn't call just to -- I didn't call just to cry at you, not on the phone, but [speaks indistinctly] [ Sobbing ] I love you.
Bye.
[ Answering machine beeps ] -Mm.
Wrong number?
-What?
-It's all I could think to say.
It was that or put my whole fist in my mouth.
When did you split up?
-Two months ago.
-I'm sorry.
-Don't be.
It was his fault.
He knew what he was getting into.
He said he could adapt, but he couldn't.
Believe me, he couldn't.
-Look.
I know it's normal for you, but it must have been a big change for him.
-Well, then, he couldn't have cared.
-Come on.
I mean, if you're not used to -- Even holding hands must be weird, mustn't it?
-What?
-You must feel that any minute, you could get carried away and just bowl you, straight into a river maybe.
And then what?
What happens if he books a restaurant with a tall table?
-What are you talking about?
-Well, you'd know better than me, but book the wrong place, and he's gonna be eating with a floating head, isn't he?
-He couldn't handle the fact that I'm vegan.
-What?
-We split up because he couldn't cope with my veganism, you idiot.
-Of course!
Of course.
That's gonna be a real lifestyle clash as well, isn't it?
-I mean, what's all this...?
-Do you want another cup of tea?
I've got a really dry mouth.
Have you got a dry mouth?
I'll make it, you stay -- Yeah, lovely.
Lovely cup of tea, isn't it?
-He said it wasn't a problem at the start.
He said he'd been thinking about it anyway, because a lot of people at his work had gone full vegan.
It was perfect.
And then, my friend saw him at the supermarket, and all he had in his basket was one big pork chop.
-One big pork chop?
-One big pork chop.
-Please tell me you didn't end a relationship over one big pork chop?
-No, of course not.
-Thank God for that, I was gonna say!
A pinch of salt, 15 minutes under the grill, it's like it never existed.
Lovely big pork chop.
-I have physio on Tuesdays, and he always said he went to meet "a friend."
-I knew it, I knew it.
And I suppose, she could walk, couldn't she?
-It was his friend Toby.
-He's gay?
Gay Gareth, gay Toby, both walkers, you poor thing.
-They were in a steak house!
-That's bad, is it?
-Yeah.
I confronted him there and then.
I could barely stand to be in the building.
The stench of death was everywhere.
He didn't even try and deny it.
Said he's been going there every week for a meat orgy.
-A meat orgy?
-Mm.
While I was in there, they brought out a bucket of chicken wings, I thought I was gonna be sick.
-Ah, tell me about it.
Disgusting, aren't they?
There's nothing on 'em.
It's like sucking a little skeleton.
-Oh, for God's sake.
-Hey?
-Geez.
-It is.
-Did you really dump him just 'cause he goes for a steak every now and then?
-Well, you might be happy to date a mass murderer, but I'm not.
It's clear you've had a few burgers, isn't it?
-[ Gasps ] Ah, come on!
-Yeah, it's fine to kill and eat animals.
Maybe I should date a people trafficker next, get ourselves a nice slave to do my housework.
-You can't compare.
They're animals!
-Well, you're old enough to remember The Smiths, aren't you?
Did Morrissey not get to you?
-Yeah, "Meat is Murder"'s a great song.
So is "...the Police."
I don't take songs literally.
I have had sex with a policewoman, though.
-Look, you think -- -It was a dry hump.
-You think that a human is more important than an animal, obviously.
-Well, yeah, if I'm honest.
-Why?
-Well, because we know we're alive, don't we?
'Cause we can talk and we can wa--he.
-Walk upright?
-Ah, no, you can't get me like that.
I told you about my friend's dog.
-Oh, will you stop with your friend and his dog walking on its hind legs.
I would have reported him for animal cruelty.
-The dog liked it.
It made his lipstick come out.
-Oh, right, well, shall we get some photographs up, shall we?
-There's no need.
-Oh, come on, we've got a nice one here of a calf being slaughtered, and a few of some baby chickens being thrown through the grinder.
It'll really sharpen up your appetite.
-I've seen the vegan stuff.
I get it.
I just don't think you can compare humans and animals, that's all.
-Because humans are aware they're alive, because they're sentient?
-Well, yeah.
-Fine, then go down to the old people's home, eat an Alzheimer's patient.
-Oh, don't be daft.
-Why not?
They don't know what's going on.
You can have yourself a nice Alzheimer's rib eye.
-I don't want an Alzheimer's rib eye.
-Well, why don't you go down to the hospital, eat a nice coma victim curry.
-Stop making up delicious human dishes.
Look, I can see I'm winding you up.
I'm gonna go and wait outside.
-Fine, go.
You stink of death anyway.
God.
-For the record, the reason I stink of death is this morning I cleaned up the body of a woman who'd been killed in an armed robbery.
She had three children.
Shall I tell them it could have been worse?
She could have been caught going for a steak with Gareth!
-I like a steak myself!
I'm a carnivore, and you're not gonna spoil it for me!
-I'd love to see your face if you had to kill a cow.
-I've thought about this, actually, and I could kill a cow!
-You wouldn't know how to.
You're like all meat eaters, a coward!
-I'd punch a cow soon as look at it.
And then I'd eat it, raw!
Sorry about this, mate.
I'm having a row with a disabled girl about eating meat.
Which reminds me, don't get me started about Quorn!
Are you there?
She's gone.
-Ugh.
[ Sighs ] [ Sniffs ] [ Sniffs ] -Hello, love.
-Hiya, Mum.
-Fancy a hot pot?
-Yes, come in.
-Yay.
-Oh, Gareth.
You have been wronged!
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Yeah, no, I'm still here.
Yeah.
Tell him to take his time.
No, I'm happy to wait.
I want to wait.
-Cheers, Mum.
-Gotta go.
-Hey.
See you later, darling.
-Oh, see you, Mum.
Bye!
-Bye!
Love you.
-Love you, bye!
-Bye!
[ Knock on door ] -Hello.
Oh.
-Hello.
-What do you want?
-I just wanted to say sorry about earlier.
-Apology accepted.
Bye!
[ Knock on door ] [ Groans ] -I've been, uh, reading about the old veganism while I was waiting.
Very popular these days, isn't it?
-Yeah, course it is.
-Mm, a lot of celebrities on the old "vege."
-Yeah, it's just the dinosaurs who haven't woken up.
-Yeah, I didn't know about cows.
Little moo cows' farts ruining the climate.
-Well done.
You've learnt what most people did a decade ago.
What's next?
Will you be recycling?
[ Gasps ] -You're really like super heroes, aren't you?
You vegans.
-Look, what do you want?
-I think I've left some cleaning stuff in here.
-You didn't bring any in.
-It's a small specialist brush.
I think it fell out of my pocket.
-I didn't see it.
-Well it's not in my bag, so... -I told you, there's nothing in here.
I would have seen it.
-Perhaps it rolled under your sofa.
-Like I said, there's nothing in here.
-Mind if I have a look?
-Yes, I do mind.
-I won't be long.
-No.
-I think I'm gonna jump you.
-You wouldn't dare.
-I would dare.
-You wouldn't dare jump me.
-I think I'm gonna jump you.
-No, you've got a bad back.
-It popped back in.
-No, no!
-[ Shouts ] [ Choir singing ] Aaaah!
-Ah!
Ah!
Aha!
-What do you think you're doing?
-[ Grunts ] You just got jumped.
And now you're gonna get judged.
Ah!
-Jesus!
-Ah, I flew too close to the sun!
This is for Gareth.
[ Choir singing ] -No!
Leave it!
Leave it!
Leave it!
-Beef!
I knew it!
-[ Cries ] -[ Grunts ] -[ Sighs ] It's not what you think.
-Is it not?
Because I think that that was a hot pot full of beef.
-Well, it was.
-Unbelievable.
You're not a vegan?
-No, I am, I am.
-Did you eat that hot pot?
-Well, yeah, but -- -But nothing.
Poor Gareth.
-No, I hate it.
I just try and eat the potato, just enough to make her think I've had it.
-Hey?
Your mum doesn't know you're a vegan?
-Well, I tried telling her, but she just doesn't get it.
-Well, tell her she can go to the old people's home for an Alzheimer's steak.
Worked for me.
-Well, she took it harder than anyone, harder than me.
-What?
-The accident.
-I thought you'd always been in a wheelchair.
-No.
Six years ago, car accident, drunk driver.
-Bastard!
Why do people do that?
-No, no, I was the drunk driver.
-Yeah, well, we all like a drink when we're stressed, don't we?
Come on.
I've operated a fork lift after a bottle of Schnapps.
Who hasn't?
-No, I-I don't need you to try and make me feel better.
It's my own fault.
I'm just lucky that no one else got hurt.
Well, I say no one.
-Ah, God.
You hit a cow, didn't you?
That's why you're a vegan.
-No!
I mean my mum.
She just worries and worries so much.
It's difficult seeing your own mum look at you and then just start crying, no reason.
We could be having a perfectly nice day, and then she'll see me in my wheelchair, and it's like she's seeing it for the first time.
-But you're doing alright.
I mean, you're rubbish at getting oranges, but -- -I'm fine.
I've adjusted, and I love life.
I probably do more than I would have if it hadn't happened.
-So you'd recommend it, being disabled?
-[ Laughs ] Oh, shut up.
So, every week she brings me a hot pot, or a shepherds pie, and I just can't bring myself to tell her no.
It's her way of like, helping, you see.
Her way of being a mum.
-I get it.
My mum used to make awesome hot pots.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Is she not here anymore?
-No, she's fine, she just can't make hot pots anymore.
-Oh.
-Dad's got a catchphrase about it.
"Your mum used to be a great cook, kids.
Now she's...
I wish I'd never married her."
-[ Laughs ] Geez.
Oh, right, well, there you go, there's the full story.
-God, I'm exhausted.
I feel like I need a beer.
-Hm, I'm sorry, I can't help you there.
It's got animal products in it.
I prefer a joint these days anyway.
-Is that right?
-No animals in a joint.
-And have you, uh... [ Gasps ] You're like RoboCop.
-[ As RoboCop ] Your move, creep.
-I haven't seen "RoboCop."
-Oh.
-How come your mum's allowed meat and Gazza isn't?
-It's different.
-How?
-She's my mum, silly.
She raised me.
When I first met him, I told him I was vegan, and I take it seriously, and I can't be with anyone who isn't.
-Right.
-He chose to come into my life.
She chose to give me it.
-I get it.
Your mum's allowed meat orgies.
-Don't put my mum in the same sentence as orgies, right.
[ Laughs ] Oh, and for God's sake, do not call him Gazza again.
-Listen, all I'm saying is, there's a double standard there, but I'm gonna let it slide, because I have a question.
-Oh, bloody hell, I don't wanna talk about him anymore.
-It's not about him, it's not about meat, but it is serious.
Can you get me one?
-One?
-You know, it's the holy grail.
-Oh.
[ Laughs ] You're talking about a blue badge, aren't you?
-Sweet freedom of the city.
-[ Laughs ] No.
I'm not getting you a bloody disabled parking badge.
-Yeah, thought not.
Closed shop, isn't it?
-[ Laughs ] Damn right.
There's gotta be some perks.
-I'm glad you admit it.
-No, no, no, no, no.
Any advantages we have are fair.
-Yeah, right.
I seem to remember Oscar Pistorious did pretty well on those springs.
-[ Laughs ] -I mean, before all the horrible murder and stuff, obviously.
-Springs.
[ Laughs ] They weren't springs.
-I know a spring when I see it, mate.
The guy bounced his way to victory.
-[ Laughs ] Right, well, let's put your theory to the test.
There's a food truck down the road.
It does great vegan sausages.
-I can't go, can I?
My back.
-No, I'm talking about leveling the playing field, aren't I?
A fair race.
-How?
-[ Laughs ] Got a spare, haven't I?
[ Laughs ] -Ah, bring it.
-Oh, I'll bring it.
-[ Grunts ] -Come on, able-bodied athlete!
You're getting thrashed!
-[ Grunts ] Ah, ah, ah!
I'm in hell!
I'm in hell!
-Oh, what?
I don't get it!
Something wrong with your arms?
-[ Grunts ] -Too many burgers, that's your problem.
-Oh, you poor thing!
Does he need my help?
-Oh... -Oh.
-...would you?
Oh, thanks.
This is so lovely of you.
He's been really struggling at the minute.
So, what do you think?
-I think I wanna go and find Gareth and have a steak.
-It's nice.
It's just like meat.
-This is as like meat as I'm like... [ Goose honks ] ...a goose.
-You'll be helping the environment by stopping cows from farting.
-You think this isn't gonna make me fart?
Give me half an hour, I'll be going off like a tug boat.
I'm eating it, aren't I?
I'm eating it.
-Bollocks!
-What?
-Oh, it's him.
-Who?
-Gareth!
Oh!
-Oh, God, you still love him, don't you?
-[ Sniffs ] He's amazing.
[ Cries ] -Oh, alright, I'll do it.
-Do what?
-I'll go vegan one day a week.
I can stomach this... one day a week.
-How's that gonna help?
-Use your brains.
If I'm not eating meat one day a week, it means that Gareth can go on his meat orgies, can't he?
'Cause there'll be one person not eating meat, all the time.
Right?
-No, you -- you wouldn't stick to that.
-You think I wouldn't eat a soya sausage, for love?
I'll eat a soya sausage for love.
Go on, go after him!
You'll catch him easy.
He's only got legs.
-[ Laughs ] [ Cellphone vibrates ] -Hello, boss.
Yeah.
He's there?
Alright.
No, I'm just down the road.
Yeah, yeah, I'll get it done.
Alright.
[ Grunts ] -Alright?
-Yeah.
-What are they, mate?
They pork, yeah?
-Yeah.
-Go on, sort me out.
-Liar!
-Sumo Santa, I can walk!
-[ Gasps ] -[ Farts ]
Passport
Follow Us