The Cleaner

[ Engine starts ] -[ Whistles ] [ Doorbell rings ] -Hi!

You from the police?

-Yeah, no, sort of.

-Mm, your mates left about two hours ago.

-Oh, yeah, I always come after them.

I've... -Oh, my God.

-What?

-Where did you get that T-shirt?

It's so cool.

-I don't know.

I've had it years.

-Mm, thought it might be from the vintage place in town.

It looks proper '80s.

-It probably is proper '80s.

I probably bought it in the proper '80s.

[ Laughs ] -Shut up!

-You shut up.

-Come on.

I'll show you what happened.

-Hey, your parents have got good taste.

-That's my car.

-I know you'll never be mine, but no one could love you the way I would have loved you.

-What are you doing?

-Oh, no, I was just -- no, she's good, mate.

Yeah, good as gold that is.

Yep.

-In here.

-Well, you've stolen my childhood.

-Oh, I'm totally obsessed with the '80s stuff.

Literally, anything made in the '80s.

Have you seen "Stranger Things"?

-That wasn't made in the '80s.

-But you like '80s, too?

-Yeah, I'm from the '80s.

-Amazing.

Like "Back to the Future"?

-Yes.

"Roads, where we're going we don't need roads."

-[ Laughs ] -You haven't seen it, have you?

-No.

-No.

-Mm, I've got to update me socials.

You're cool to do your thing, put tape up or whatever.

-Yeah, cool, whatever, vibe.

-What?

-I don't know.

It just felt right to say vibe.

-Why?

-What happened with the... -Oh, man, this dude came round to wire in the arcade machine and bam.

-Bam?

-Bam!

-What's bam?

-It just went up.

What's a fuse?

-They stop people going bam.

-Thank God I was out.

Blood makes me barf.

-Mm.

Poor guy, though, eh?

-Oh, I know.

It's like so sad.

-Yeah, I can see you're devastated.

-Hi, guys.

So today, I'm gonna do a vintage haul.

I've been saving up loads of amazing stuff, some of it's just old, but this is actual -- -I'm gonna get my stuff.

-Oh, oh, wait.

Before you go, are you cool if I check something with you?

-Is that a tray of onions?

-[ Sniffs ] [ Sighs, sniffs ] [ Groans ] [ Sighs ] I'm in shock.

Something terrible is happening.

I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry, I need a moment.

I know this is gonna worry a few of you, and I'm behind.

-Yeah.

-No, I'm not.

I can't do this now, but I'll be back in 30 minutes to tell you how my life has changed.

Forever.

Well?

-Jesus Christ.

-Did it make you want to like and subscribe?

-Like and subscribe?

-Like and subscribe.

-I don't know.

-Please say yeah.

-I can't.

I don't know what it means.

-Well, say you'll like and subscribe.

-I can't say like and subscribe to something I don't understand.

I don't know what like and subscribe is.

-Just say it!

One button, that's all it is.

Just say it.

Just say it.

Please, for me.

-But what is it?

-Me.

You.

Like.

Subscribe.

-How can I agree to it if I don't understand it?

How can I agree to it if I don't know what it means?!

-One button, one button!

Please like and subscribe!

-I like and subscribe!

-Thanks so much.

-I can't do this now, but I'll be back in 30 minutes to tell you how my life has changed.

Forever.

-Did you buy all this stuff then?

-Oh, most of it got sent to me.

-Can I play with some of it?

-Sure.

-[ Chuckles ] I used to be able to do these.

-What do you mean?

-You know, do them, complete them.

-I didn't know you could do them.

I just thought you switched the stickers.

-Well, I can complete them.

-Are you like Professor Brian Cox?

-I'm exactly like Professor Brian Cox.

-Ta-da.

-...off!

-You...off.

-This is gonna break the Internet.

I'll DM it you.

-I think there's probably already videos of people doing a Rubik's Cube online, mate.

-Oh, you should upload it.

I mean, I can't because of the big announcement.

What socials are you on?

-Ah, I'm only on Facebook, and I don't use that.

I keep getting death threats from this woman.

You should look her up, actually.

It's funny.

The tattooed milf.

-You should get on Insta and TikTok.

-My niece is always banging on about that.

What is TikTok?

-What's TikTok?

-That's TikTok.

-Well, I do not like it.

-I'm not uploading that.

-I don't like any of this social media stuff.

Who wants to know how people are doing?

Chris Marner's got an Audi R8 now.

At school, he got suspended for eating the hood off a girl's coat.

-You wouldn't have to do any of this police business anymore if you got enough followers.

-I'm sorry, what is your job?

-I'm Home Alone Hosea!

-Jesus Christ, granddad.

Do you own a computer?

-Yeah, my mate Weasel got it for me, though, and the keyboard's confusing.

-Well, look me up some time.

-I will.

Do you know your name in Chinese symbols?

-Catch you later.

Loving the sexy police onesie by the way.

When I first saw you, something stirred within me You were standing sultry in the rain If I could've held you, I would've held you Rip it up and start again Rip it up and start again Rip it up and start again I hope to God you're not as dumb as you make out I hope to God I hope to God And I hope to God I'm not as numb as you make out I hope to God I hope to God And when I next saw you, my heart reached out for you But my arms stuck like glue to my sides -[ Spits ] -Oh, my God, what the...?!

-Oh, dude, this is bad.

-What have you done?

-I'm sorry, I was thirsty.

-You drank that?

Those cans are 35 years old.

I got them on eBay!

-Never mind that!

You've cleaned up all the blood.

-Yeah.

It's my job.

-You said you were the police.

-No, you said I was the police.

-Well, what are you?

-I'm a crime scene cleaner.

-You're a cleaner?!

-Crime scene.

-Dude's just a cleaner!

-Who are you?!

-Why didn't you say you were just some cleaner?

-Because I'm not.

-He says he's not.

-Well, he is.

-I'm not.

-What?!

-What are you, dude?!

-I'm a crime scene cleaner.

-If you clean, you're a cleaner, and you've basically ruined my life!

Well done, cleaner.

-Not cool, bro.

Cool T-shirt, though.

-What did I do wrong?

-You cleaned his content, man.

-What?

-He needed that content.

-Why do you keep saying content?

-He was gonna live stream about the dead guy.

Content's money, bro.

-Okay, I'm not gonna talk to you anymore.

There's clearly something wrong.

[ Cellphone buzzes ] -Yo, stay where you are.

Yeah, we can't light it.

Some massive fat dude cleared it up.

Okay, I'll come there now.

-Fat?

-Yeah, you're like really fat.

-Mate?

Oi, mate!

Can you come down?

Are you gonna make me climb up there?

Do you think I haven't got those skills?

You think I haven't got tree climbing skills?

Alright, strap in.

Yes, please.

Not a problem.

There he is.

Up we go.

[ Grunts ] Yeah.

Oh, all good.

All good.

Still got it.

You never lose it.

Whew!

This used to be like Disney World for us.

-Because you were poor.

Boo-hoo.

-Look, I don't know what I've done wrong.

-I was gonna do a big stream about the guy getting fried, and now it's like it never happened.

-People aren't interested in an electrical accident, are they?

I would have filmed fat Baz down the pub when he blew his thumb off.

-Why?

-Oh, he was trying to hook a crumpet out of a toaster.

-No, why are you still talking to me?

I needed that dead guy, and you've cleaned him up.

Can't you put it back?

-Put what back?

-The blood.

-Oh, the blood.

Yeah, God, of course.

I've got some buckets in the car.

We'll go and splash it back on now.

-You...me?

-Yes, I'm...you.

-Well, congratulations for finding my ruined life so hilarious, you sad, old... Go and mop up somewhere else.

-Well, I don't even use a mop.

Your move.

Look, what's the matter, son?

-[ Sighs ] It's over.

I know that really.

Home Alone Hosea is just another Tom from MySpace or the guy that sang "Chocolate Rain."

-Or that monkey that banged that frog.

-So, you've heard of the monkey that banged a frog?

-The monkey's a legend, mate.

-That's me now.

The monkey that banged a frog.

I'm a joke.

-Blackberry jam.

-What?

-You can make blood with blackberry jam.

Come on, let's get it done.

Keep that, keep that body strong Keep that, keep that body strong Keep that, keep that body strong Keep that, keep that body strong That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh When you take me by the hand And tell me I'm your loving man When -- -[ Screams ] Did you have one in the '80s?

A soda thingy?

-No.

Mum said they were a waste of money.

I'd just been to the shop for her to buy 40 fags and a bottle of Cinzano.

The irony wasn't wasted.

Honey.

-So, how do you know how to use it?

-Hmm.

They're not that complicated.

Hey, when we were kids, if we wanted free stuff, we had to go down the rec and do a dance for dirty Bertie.

I can't believe people send it you for nothing.

-I can't believe you don't know who I am.

-Well, tell me what happened.

-[ Sighs ] When I was 16, my parents moved to Italy.

I told them I didn't want to go, and they said, "Fine, that's up to you, you're old enough to make your own mind up," and they left me in the house.

My Insta went mental.

Loads of jealous little kids imagine the perfect life with no rules.

Now I'm rich.

The end.

-They left you on your own?

-I wanted to stay.

-Yeah, kids want to eat ice cream that's been dropped in...

They shouldn't be allowed.

-You got kids?

-No.

-Then what do you know about it?

-I used to be one.

-Oh, yeah, in the '80s, where your parents smoked fags around you and got drunk on Cinzino.

-Cinzano.

-Whatever.

-Yeah.

They didn't leave us behind, though.

-I don't need them.

I'm me own parents.

-Hmm.

Alright.

Shall we?

-Well?

Splurge it down?

-Splurge it down?

-No?

-Do you know much about blood spatter?

-About as much as you know about Instagram.

-Then listen carefully.

From the scene, I can tell you straight away it wasn't the shock that killed him.

-It wasn't?

-No.

It caused him to spasm, sure, which meant that he thrashed around here, eventually hitting his head on this cabinet.

-Ew.

-The blood on that wall was from the head injury, violent involuntary convulsions from the shock.

Resulting in light to moderate blood spatter.

Simple enough to remove from non-porous surfaces.

You'd be amazed how much blood comes from a head injury.

-So, that was what killed him?

-A third degree abrasion?

[ Laughs ] Oh, my sweet child.

I very much doubt it.

No, he's not done yet.

So, he's thrashing around at the end of a live wire, receiving electrical burns at the point of contact, leading to a bit more of the old... -Light to moderate blood spatter.

-Very good.

Yes.

Now, eventually, he's thrown this way, where he lands here, on your glass coffee table.

-So, it wasn't the arcade machine that killed him?

-Glass severs arteries.

What does glass do?

-Severs arteries.

-And arteries are connected to?

-The heart.

-Nature's pump.

Pump up the jam.

It's a song.

It doesn't matter.

-[ Gasps ] Can I do it?

-I don't know.

Can you?

I was just saying you can have a go.

You should have a go at it.

-Oh.

-[ Chuckles ] What was that?

-No good?

-Have you any idea how much blood the heart pumps around the body?

Put some welly into it.

Now we're talking.

I think you're ready.

Sorry, I think you're ready.

-Enough?

Is this what it looked like?

-Yeah, it's pretty good.

We just missed one bit.

-What the...?!

-Oh, sorry, I was just -- -What the actual...?!

-[ Sighs ] I thought I'd lost you.

Blimey, is that a Home Alone Hosea look?

-One of them.

I had to change because somebody squirted jam in my face.

-Yeah.

[ Chuckles ] Sorry about that.

I got a bit carried away.

-Why would you do that?

-For fun.

-Oh, yeah, because squirting jam all over someone is so fun.

-You want to have a laugh more often you do, mate.

I bet you've never been in there, either, have you?

-What?

-Four or five cans, a couple of tequilas, and I'd be straight in there.

-It's for fish.

-You and your mates have never jumped in there when you're pissed?

-I don't drink.

-What?

Why?

-I guess because I'm not a total loser, that's why.

-You've got some space hoppers back there.

I bet you've never even been on your space hoppers, have you?

-I've got what?

-How many followers have you got?

-It was five mil, but this dead guy stream should get the followers back up.

-Five million!

I find it hard enough to manage five mates, and I only like four of them.

Weasel's on a final warning.

-You've got a friend called Weasel?

-Yeah, we keep trying to get rid of him, but he pulls us back in.

-Maybe my life's not so bad.

99 Luftballons Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont Hielt man fur Ufos aus dem All Darum schickte ein General -I just think there has to be some times in your life where no one can get in touch with you.

Where you're not online at all.

Do you know what I mean?

Over.

[ Static ] -It's not working!

The problem is a 23-year-old living in a house isn't very home alone.

People have stopped finding it cute.

-Yeah, I get it.

Classic Michael Jackson syndrome.

-I am not like Michael Jackson!

-Whoa!

I don't mean full blown weird Michael Jackson.

I mean, you know, when people first started going, "Huh, his best friend's a monkey, is it?

A monkey?"

-People are saying I'm weird, like Tom Cruise.

-So, what does it matter?

What a load of strangers think?

Turn your computer off, job done.

-What am I gonna do?

Become a cleaner?

-I'm a crime scene cleaner.

-[ Screams ] 99 Kriegsminister Streichholz und Benzinkanister Hielten sich fur schlaue Leute Witterten schon fette Beute Riefen Krieg und wollten Macht Mann, wer hatte das gedacht Dass es einmal soweit kommt Wegen 99 Luftballons -Yo H. -Have you seen?

Looks good, right?

-Yeah, bro, sweet.

We've got the live stream ready to go.

Come on.

-Who is that?

-My manager.

-Oh, he's your manager.

Right.

I just thought he was a village idiot.

-He manages all the big influencers.

Come on.

-What?

What do you mean?

-Well, you've got to be in it.

-What?

Why?

-Well, to make it look proper.

You can clean up in the background.

-Clean up the mess we've just made.

Get lost.

-Please.

This is a big deal for me.

-Yeah great.

So, this is Baxter.

He's our senior consultant demographer.

So, he'll be across like live traffic analysis, updating user profiles, and multi platform brand reach.

And that.

-Ah.

-...me, there's two of him.

-Dude, can you start...thingy.

-Cleaning?

Is that the word you're struggling for?

-We're going live any second, broski.

-Well, I mean, I could rub it with this, but I'll tell you now, without the correct chemical formula, it's just a man moving jam around a floor.

-Please, I'm trying to get into the right head space.

-I've got standards.

I don't want other crime scene cleaners seeing this.

Two out of the three of them are real gossips.

I don't want them chatting... about me on the WhatsApp group.

You know what that's like.

-Please!

[ Chimes ] Hey, guys and girls and my non-binary friends.

So, yesterday something mad happened.

Y'all know how much I love the '80s.

So, I figured what's more '80s than an original '80s cabinet?

Bummer alert!

It wasn't wired properly.

Like a fuse had gone or something.

This is when things get freaky.

So, this guy came around to fix it and was like super sweet, but there was like a massive problem with the machine, and it's like totally killed him.

So, the police sent some clean-up guy to like clean up and that, but I just wanted my Hosea's to know what's been going on with me.

Oh, my God.

Look at what is going on.

My poor little cleaner guy.

Isn't he cute?

So, apparently it wasn't the shock that killed him.

That's why there was so much blood.

That's what you were saying, right?

-Uh, yes.

-Well, tell -- tell the guys what you were saying about, you know, the coffee table and something about the artery.

[ Laughs ] -Oh.

Well, you can see from the blood on the wall, this was actually the first injury.

The victim would have fallen and hit his head here against this cabinet causing this blood spatter pattern.

-But it wasn't the head injury that killed him, was it?

That's what you were telling me.

-Oh, no, no, this is actually nowhere near as bad as it looks.

You can see that from the blood pattern is actually quite localized from the abrasion.

-Oh, what is this?

Oh, sticky.

[ Laughs ] -Oh, now that is interesting.

That's actually the victim's wedding ring.

You see, during electrocution even the small muscles in the hand, they would tighten causing it to fall off.

It's intriguing what you find out about victims in this job.

From that, we know he was married.

From a picture I found in his wallet earlier, I can tell you he had three small children.

-Shut up!

This is not about the dead guy!

-Not cool, bro.

-Okay.

The stuff about the kids was too much.

Let's go again!

-Please.

-You've been canceled, bro.

You're canceled.

You're done.

-Me?

You can't cancel me.

-Well, you are canceled.

-We'll re-brand.

-We can't re-brand.

You can't un-cancel a cancel.

I'm done.

This is done.

You're done.

You're canceled, and we're done, and I'm out.

Okay?

I'm out.

-I bought you a cola-flavored soda.

They're not allowed to call it Coke for legal reasons.

And because it tastes like...

They'll forget.

-They'll never forget.

It's there forever.

-Where?

-In the cloud.

-Is it?

-You been sending...pics, granddad?

-No.

-I wish I was born in the '80s.

-Yeah, it was good.

No Internet, no phones, endless summers.

-Yeah, alright, I get it.

-The Exxon Valdez oil spill, the Challenger disaster, Chernobyl.

-What?

-Yeah.

The '80s are just like now.

Really great and really... Don't believe the hype.

-Jam everywhere.

-Yeah.

Funny, isn't it?

In many ways, it's harder to get out than blood.

-I'm like Lady Macbeth.

-Out, damned jam?

You've not seen it, have you?

-No.

-No.

Of course you haven't.

I'll show you a good way to get jam out.

-You're not going to?

-I am.

-But you haven't even got jam on you.

-No.

I've got no jam on me.

I'm gonna jump in a pond just for the sake of it.

Oi, put your phone away.

Just do a thing.

-...it!

-[ Screams ] -Oh, God, it's freezing.

-That is actually awful.

-What's that smell?

-That's fish... -[ Duck quacks ] -And duck... -Oh, we should have just jumped in the hot tub.

-In the what?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

This is better.

-We're like the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

-I know, right?

-You've not seen it have you?

-No.

-[ Laughs ] So, what happened next, after you've jumped in a pond in the '80s?

-Oh, my mum would bollock us for getting wet and then feed us watery minced beef.

-My life's not so bad, is it?

-No!

But maybe leave Hosea at home for a bit.

Go and see some real world stuff, eh?

What is your real name?

-Bernard.

-Yeah, stick with Hosea.

-[ Laughs ] -Bernard, you do know "Home Alone" was filmed in the '90s, right?

It's not '80s.

-It's been pointed out to me.

-Now the '90s... they were amazing.

Take a ride on the 45 You and I will never look back now These dreams arise since the time of my life