Stories from the Stage

CARLY CIARROCCHI: The job would be hosting this morning show, alongside two other human adults and a chicken puppet.

And I'm like, "They make adult jobs like this?"

(laughter) RORY SCHOLL: And I'm super excited because we're on an actual lot.

And I'm like, "This is it.

This is where I'm going to get discovered."

Next stop was fame and fortune.

ADAM SELBST: I know what he was trying to tell me was, "We want you to go away, 'cause nobody likes you."

But what I heard was-- "Showbiz!"

(audience laughter) WES HAZARD: Tonight's theme is "Funny Business."

Life's unexpected twists and turns, have a very weird way of proving to us that sometimes, the best plans are the ones that go completely off the rails.

Tonight, our tellers are going to share stories of when they juggled chaos, stumbled through surprise, and yet, somehow, still managed to land on their feet.

Or, at the very least, at least walk away with a very funny story.

CIARROCCHI: I'm Carly Ciarrocchi.

I grew up in Wilmington, Delaware, but now I live in Brooklyn, New York.

And I make media for kids.

So, TV, podcasts, sometimes I host, sometimes I write, sometimes I produce.

And I also tell stories.

Fantastic.

And, you know, you work extensively with children.

What do you feel is special about that and what, what drew you to that?

Well, kids just got here.

So, they're looking at the whole world like, "What even is this?"

So, I love working with kids 'cause I like sharing the world with them and I like learning about the world that they're creating around them.

Kind of finding media that, that meets them.

And so, you're a multi, multi, multi-hyphenate performer.

(chuckles) Yeah.

- Yeah Host, uh, podcaster, comedian, storyteller.

I'm wondering, what about storytelling, specifically, is different for you, among all else that you do.

I love stories because everyone can tell stories and everyone has heard stories.

So, it's the most accessible of all of the art forms.

And there's always something to learn and hear from somebody else's story.

I graduated college with a theater degree.

And the first couple years out of school, I worked so many jobs.

I was a preschool teacher.

I was a DJ for Radio Disney.

I would go to parties and serve dessert on stilts.

And sometimes I would work all of those jobs on the same day.

It was absolutely chaotic.

It was really fun until I started burning out.

And I was living month to month and I needed something to change.

I needed to get, like, an adult job.

So, this is where I am emotionally when I see on Facebook that the local CBS in Chicago is holding a contest to find their next traffic reporter.

And the job is going to pay $25,000 for three months of work.

Which is more money than I had made in the last year.

So, my eyes turned into little dollar signs.

And I was like, "This is it.

This is the adult job of my destiny."

And I made an audition video.

I submitted it with a little cheeky rap about the Chicago highways.

And I made it to the top 75, out of hundreds of submissions.

So, I go down to the station for an audition.

Uh, that's the next step.

And it goes well.

So I make it to the top ten.

I am inching closer to my adult job.

Now, for the top ten audition, we had to do an actual on-air day of traffic reporting, with the CBS Morning team.

And you... they can't just throw us out there with no training.

They have to teach us a little bit about the highways.

And they have us come to the station, we learn how to do the green screen.

It's like a whole process.

Um, and they also send us each home for the day with a camera person, so that they can record some stuff of us at home for our background segment.

And so I'm giving them a day in my life, which at one point, I open the trunk of my car, and there's like a tutu, a hula hoop and a trench coat, Which was all legitimate things that I needed for that day of work.

(laughter) But I am quickly becoming the absolute wild card of this contest.

I am the youngest, by like ten years out of the group.

I'm the only one with no actual journalism training, And they also have caught me, at every stage of the contest, wearing different pairs of Converse sneakers.

And for some reason, they think this is just a riot.

Like, why does she have so many pairs of Converse sneakers?

So, at the end of the, the training, um, they're going over some last-minute logistics, and the producer is... You know, she's talking to everybody, but she is looking right at me when she says that for our day on air, we need to dress professionally.

(audience laughter) And, like, to this day, the "dress professionally" just-- oh, man, I can't even breathe.

Just the sound of that.

Um, but I look at her, I'm like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah."

And she's like, "No Converse sneakers."

And I'm like, "Of course not."

Um... (giggles) So I go home and I fling open my closet doors, and there is just absolutely nothing in there that looks professional in any way.

It's just-- it's all soft clothes like hoodies and... a lot of Converse sneakers.

So I say, "Fine, okay.

I'm going to go shopping."

And I find this sensible black dress.

It's very "business Carly."

Uh, but, I, I get these high heels that are bright yellow.

'Cause I still want to be me.

So, I'm very, I'm proud of this, this outfit that I crafted.

And, uh, the night before the big on-air day, I'm getting my stuff together.

I get out some snacks.

I lay out my, my sensible dress.

I put my yellow shoes in a bag because I'm going to drive down to the station in my Converse sneakers.

'Cause who drives in heels?

And, and I tuck in for the night.

And then I wake up at 3: 00 a.m., because that is what time these people wake up to report the traffic.

And I get all my stuff together and I'm going down to the car.

And it's cold and it's dark, because it's 3:00 a.m. and it's Chicago.

And I'm driving down to the station and there is no traffic on Lake Shore Drive, that morning, at that hour.

And I'm like feeling nervous and excited.

And there's a lot riding on this.

'Cause all jokes aside, I think I have an actual good chance of getting this job, uh, if I can just prove to them that I am professional enough to get it done.

I know that they think that I can bring levity to the morning traffic, that everybody's having fun with me.

So, I'm, I'm, I'm getting in the zone, and I pull up, underneath the station, in my car.

And I go, uh, to grab my bag with the yellow shoes and, and I do a double take.

And I realize that when I left the house in the morning, I did not grab a bag with yellow shoes.

I grabbed a bag of yellow bananas.

(audience laughter) Like, I still can't believe that this happened.

And, and so I, like, I start shaking, and I-- my heart is beating so fast.

I'm like, "They are think that I'm not taking this seriously.

I'm wearing Converse sneakers!

They told me not to!"

And I, I'm panicking but, but also the traffic has to be reported.

So there's no time for me to stress.

I need to go up and get the job done.

So, I, I run upstairs to the, to the studio and I'm like-- tears in my eyes, explaining to the producer.

You know, my roommate is going to be up in three hours and she can bring the shoes.

And they're like, "Calm down.

"Wear the Converse sneakers.

"Bring the bananas in the studio.

Tell the story on-air."

(audience reacts) (audience chuckling) And I'm like, "Okay.

I will do it."

And so, I did it.

And it goes so well.

I report the living daylights out of the traffic.

I am, I am running from the anchor table to the green screen.

And I'm jumping over cables.

There is literally no way I could have done that in heels anyway.

And at a certain point, a bunch of my friends come to watch from, like, outside the studio window, you know?

And they give them the bananas, so that when I tell the story, they can cut to my friends eating the bananas.

(audience laughter) Like, it's, it's unbelievable.

And when it's over, everybody is cheering.

And I float out of the studio.

People are like high-fiving me from their cubicles.

And then they, they whisk me off to have my interview with the suits.

Because it's still, like, a job I would have to hold.

So, I have to have an interview.

And I sit down with the bosses, and they're like, "That was awesome."

And I'm like, "I know."

(audience laughter) And they're like... And they're like, "So why do you want to be a traffic reporter?"

And I'm like, "What?"

(gasps) (audience chuckling) Oh, my God, I hadn't thought about the fact that they would ask me that question.

I do not want to be a traffic reporter.

(audience laughter) I'm burning out my side hustles and this is going to pay $25,000 for three months of work.

Like, I can't say that.

So, so, I say something about how, "Oh, I'm going to bring all the joy to the traffic in the morning."

And I can just, I can feel that it doesn't go over as well as I would have hoped.

And when I, when I leave the interview, I don't feel quite as good as I did leaving the studio.

And, um, after a couple weeks of silence, I get an email saying that I did not get the job.

(audience groans) Thank you.

(audience laughter) And I'm, I was crushed.

I was more upset than I thought I would be.

Because I'm like what, what am I going to do?

Like, what is the adult job that I am qualified for?

So, I go back to the hustle.

And it's just, it's like not looking good for a little while.

And, and then I get an audition for a preschool morning television show for a network called Sprout.

And the job would be hosting this morning show, alongside two other human adults and a chicken puppet.

(audience laughter) And I'm like, "They make adult jobs like this?"

(laughter) So, I lace up my Converse sneakers, and I walk into the audition armed with all of my experience of all my weird side hustles, and I get that job.

And I work it for the next five years.

(cheers and applause) And they make my Converse sneakers a part of the host's wardrobe.

Thank you.

(cheers and applause) SELBST: I'm Adam Selbst.

I live in Brooklyn.

I'm a writer, graphic designer, and storyteller.

What sort of compelled you to first get on to stage and start telling stories?

You know, I think it was like a lot of people were-- I just happened to walk into a bar one day and they were having a storytelling show.

My girlfriend sort of nudged me and is like, "You know, you would be really good at this."

And I was like, "I think you're right.

I, I think I would be."

So, I went and talked to that person afterwards and, uh, she invited me to perform at the next show.

And then I've just sort of never looked back.

Do you think, you know, that it's important to have, what some people call an "ah-ha" moment" in a story?

I would never call it like, an ah-ha moment, but, um, the way that I try and look at it is you... you want to let the audience almost close the circle.

Where there's um, something that like, they see or realize before you articulate it.

And it's that sort of, you know, you're giving them the tools to put that last puzzle piece in.

And that... people love that 'cause it really sparks, like, a little bit of joy in them when they, they understand what's happening and they, they've realized it themselves.

I'm 19 years old and I had just secured the best summer job that a college student could possibly dream of.

Um, I was going to go work at the beach.

Uh, I had been looking forward to this for months.

So, I arrive, it's my first day and, uh, I start meeting the gang.

And one of the first people that I met was this guy, Jimmy.

Um, Jimmy was not like me.

He was not like a seasonal employee.

Jimmy was a lifer.

He's been there for decades-- longer than anybody.

And as near as I could tell, Jimmy's main job involved hiding tools that we needed and occasionally setting random fires.

(audience laughter) So, I went up to my boss, Jack, and I asked him, "So, hey, what's up with Jimmy?"

And he was like, "Look, Adam, "Jimmy's been here longer than everybody.

"He is part of the team.

"So, you just keep an eye on Jimmy and we'll take care of you."

Um, and that sounded great to me.

I had never been on a team before.

Uh, sports or otherwise.

Um, so, I was ready.

I was, I was all set to fit in.

Um, the only problem was, uh, everybody was keeping an eye on Jimmy because they loved Jimmy.

Everybody hated me.

(audience laughter) See, I grew up in a pretty conservative town and this was a pretty blue collar job, and I was none of those things.

Um, I considered myself kind of like a punk kid-- a rebel.

Um, you know, I listened to hardcore.

I hung out at anarchist spaces.

I'd grown my hair into these long, uh, very ill-advised dreadlocks.

(audience laughter) Yeah, I know.

Believe me, I know.

Um...

I was vegan.

Um, but I wasn't one of those quiet, sensitive vegans.

I was the sort of vegan that made it, like, everybody else's problem.

(audience laughter) Needless to say, uh, I was not very popular.

Uh, so much so, that I'd only been there about a week when I got called into Jack's office.

And Jack said, "Adam, I got a proposition for you.

"How would you like to work alone for the rest of the summer?"

(audience laughter) And I was like, "Why?

I don't understand.

What do you mean?"

He says, "How would you like to drive around town, putting on puppet shows for all the little kids?"

And that sounded kind of cool but I was like, "What about the team, Jack?

Are, are we breaking up the team?"

And he goes, "Oh.

Oh, the team.

"No, no, no.

We're not breaking up the team.

"You'll just be, uh... "What do you call it?

Remote."

(audience laughter) "You'll be over there, somewhere, "and we'll stay here.

And you won't come back here."

(audience laughter) And I know what he was trying to tell me was, "Adam, we want you to go away because nobody likes you."

Um, but what I heard was-- "Showbiz!"

(audience laughter) Kid, we think you got it.

So, I was like, "All right, Jack.

Put me in.

Let's do it."

So, uh, he says, "All right.

Let me show you what you're going to be doing."

Which is when I first laid eyes on the puppet bus.

The puppet bus was this gigantic steel two-ton bus with, like, a whole trailer full of puppets.

And, it was like, ridiculous.

I'm like, "How can I drive this?

I don't even think I have a license for this."

He goes, "No, no, no.

You're going to do great.

"Hop on in.

Can you drive forward ten feet?"

And I was able to and he goes, Great.

Let's get you out of here."

(audience laughter) So, this is the way that, that the puppet bus worked.

Um, I wasn't going to be putting on the puppet shows.

Actually, I would meet a puppeteer and I would drive the bus and set up the sound.

And they would follow me in their car.

Um, so, it's my first day.

I'm really excited.

I'm driving the puppet bus.

And, uh, to get to first park, I just head straight for the highway.

Which, by the way, a commercial vehicle like this, you're not allowed to take on the highway.

But nobody had trained me so I didn't know.

So, as I drove to, uh, the tollbooth-- and this is one of those robotic tollbooths that has a basket that you fling change into and then the arm comes up.

But I had forgotten to bring any change.

Um, it's no problem.

Uh, I'll just hop out and ask the, the puppet lady if she had any, if she had any change.

And as I'm walking up to her car, I see her start gesticulating wildly behind her.

And I turn around to notice that I'd forgotten to put the puppet bus into park.

(audience reacts) And as I watched in horror, it drove through the tollbooth, catching the arm on its grille, snapping it off completely and then started trundling down the gangway to merge with traffic on the Southern State Parkway.

(audience laughter) Now... if you're never destroyed a tollbooth... (audience laughter) ...let me tell you what you're missing.

(audience laughter) If you destroy a tollbooth, an alarm goes off.

It sounds like a little air-raid siren.

So, people are getting out of their cars.

And what they're seeing is this 120 pound vegan kid sprinting down the gangway, dreadlocks flying behind him... (audience laughter) ...running after this gigantic bus, full of puppets.

(audience laughter) Now-- I'm not an athletic man.

(audience laughs) Um, I was not an athletic boy.

To date, this is most athletic achievement of my entire life.

I caught up to the puppet bus, I Indiana Jonesed my way inside, put it firmly in park, set the parking break, and then walked back to the bank of tollbooths, where I sat on the curb and began to cry.

(audience laughs) Because, look, this was not a job that I was good at.

Um, it was not a job I was enjoying.

Um, it was, however, a job that I needed.

And, eventually, uh, the man who was the managing these tollbooths, got-- you know, came up and he saw me.

And I could see him coming from way off and he was furious.

I see him storming over to me, taking a big, deep breath, like to really let me have it... (chuckles) when he clocked my blue park field worker town T-shirt and I just see him deflate.

And he looks at me and he goes, "You work for the town?"

He goes, "Okay, you listen to me."

He goes, "You people... have to stop doing this.

(audience laughter) "These things are very expensive.

(audience laughter) All right, kid, get out of here."

And... here's the thing.

Not only did I not get fired, no one even called my boss.

(audience laughter) So, I finished driving to the park, and begin happily setting up all the sound equipment.

Meanwhile, this poor puppet lady is still following me.

And she sees me and she starts walking over and I see this spark of fear in her eye.

It's the kind of look you get when you, when you start to understand that this new coworker of yours might be deranged.

(audience laughter) I recognized it, because it's the way that I felt it was the look in my eye when I first met Jimmy.

But now things were coming full circle.

I was Jimmy now.

(audience laughter) So she walks up to me and she says, "Look, you know, I saw what happened back there at the tollbooth."

Um, but I decided to lean into it.

I said, "You know, this is my first day, "but I have to say, that worked out pretty well.

"It's how I get out of paying for tolls.

We're going to be doing that every day."

Thank you.

(cheers and applause) SCHOLL: My name is Rory Scholl.

I was born in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

Grew up in Dallas, Texas.

Been in New York for the past (clears throat) two decades.

And, uh, lucky enough to be uh, an actor and storyteller.

And you are sort of a, a man of many talents, in terms of comedy.

You do stand-up, you do improvisation, you do comedic storytelling.

Is there a favorite among those?

Uh, and how do you feel that each of them allows you to express yourself in unique ways?

- Yeah.

Uh, well, I like improv the most, I think.

Because you're building something with the audience at the same time.

- Mmm.

- And then I like storytelling.

Uh, I've found the storytelling community is really nice.

They're really supportive, and everybody that you meet.

And then stand-up is kind of way down here.

Because it is more of a lone wolf kind of thing.

And then, somewhere in there is mascot work.

But then... stand-up at the very end, so.

Was there a particular moment or even a person, who helped you to see that, you know, comedy might be something that you can really pursue and do?

Yeah.

Uh, I had a fifth grade history teacher.

And he was the first, like, funny adult that made me laugh.

And, and he would-- because I was considered goofy, he was considered goofy.

He'd make fun of the principal all the time and get in trouble.

But he was so funny and, and really nice.

And I was like-- you know, that was a, a huge influence to be, like, allowed to be goofy outside of the home.

And then, like, years later, when I started doing stand-up comedy at, at club in Dallas, I saw his head shot on the wall.

So, he had quit teaching to become a stand-up and I thought that was just amazing.

Did you know that the Tyrannosaurus rex is a member of the deer family?

Yeah, that's just one of the many lies I tell kids at the Museum of Natural History in New York City.

(audience laughter) Because they're kids.

Um...

I host birthday parties, and we walk around the museum and I dress as characters.

And then I take them down to the basement, where they eat chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs and I question every life decision I've made up to that point.

There is one part of the party that I like, it's when I bring my guitar and I can sing some acoustic songs and we improv songs.

Like, you know, uh, "Cooper's Underwater Adventure."

And all the kids sing and we have fun.

And it's the one time during the day I can't feel my soul trying to leave my body.

(audience laughter) Uh, so I'm doing a tour of space dressed as an astronaut.

Ad I take the kids down to the basement, and they're eating their cake and I check my messages.

And I get a message, "Hey, Rory.

"Uh, this is Cindy.

"We're very excited about your audition tapes "and we'd like to, uh, invite you and your partner, "uh, to be on our show.

"So, hopefully, we'll see you in California in two weeks.

Give me a call back."

So, my comedy songwriting partner, Sam and I, uh, we had auditioned earlier, like months before, for a new Mark Burnett reality show called Jingles, about the exciting world of jingle writers.

Yes.

And we had gotten cast, and I was very excited.

Someone was finally going to appreciate me for my art.

And, uh, next stop was fame and fortune.

Uh, so, two weeks later, Sam and I land in Burbank, and they sequester us in our hotel.

And I'm super excited because were on an actual lot.

And I'm like, this is it.

This is where I'm going to get discovered.

And I made sure that I would be on camera as much as possible, so they couldn't edit me out if they tried.

You know.

(audience laughter) So, we did our interview, which went great, but I also made sure I was in the background of everybody's interview, you know.

So, I was in the background for the, uh, the country and western couple from Nashville.

I'm drinking a cup of coffee, you know, for no reason.

Uh, the boy band from Las Vegas, I'm throwing a football to no one.

You know, I'm just, like-- just so I'm in there.

It's great.

And so, the next day, um, they tell us how the show is going to work.

They say, "You know, every week we're, "we're going to give you a new product.

"You'll write a song about it, and you'll come up with "a little mock presentation of that product.

And, and then you'll be judged by our three judges."

And now it was time to meet our judges.

And, uh, the first, uh, judge-- the first woman, that walks in, she was very nice.

She was from a local ad agency.

She told us what she wanted in a song.

She gave us great advice.

Very encouraging.

Very nice.

Um, the next person, uh, her name was Linda.

And she wrote a very famous jingle for a toy store.

Um... we're not going to sing it, don't have the rights.

So don't... (audience laughter) In here, do it in here.

But... you would have thought she wrote the freaking White Album, the way she talked about her process.

Um... (audience laughter) Kind of crazy.

And then it was time to meet our celebrity judge.

And I was so excited.

And a door opens to the left, and a little waft of smoke comes in.

And, in, clad head-to-toe in leather and big sunglasses walks in Gene Simmons.

Gene-- yes.

(audience reacts) Yes, that's right.

The lead singer of Kiss, just in case you were born uh, after 2000.

Um... (audience laughter) Which nobody here was.

Okay.

That's fine.

(audience laughter) And Gene Simmons walks into the room and he walks straight to the stage.

And in all seriousness, he says, "Jingle writers.

"If you're not ready to write jingles, there's the door."

(audience laughter) And he's pointing in the wrong direction.

And I lean over to my partner, Sam, and I'm like, "Sam, this is never going to see the light of day."

But my new plan is now to befriend Gene Simmons.

That's the only way.

'Cause this was at the time when he had, like, a million reality shows on the air.

So, he'd see me, we'd become best friends.

It would be awesome.

So, if I saw him around the lot it was like, "Hey, Gene!"

And he would scowl and walk away.

So, the new new plan was just to be charming.

You know, and, and make the cameramen like me, the producer-- somebody was going to give me my own talk show.

And so our first product is gum.

Sam and I come up with "Fruit It Up."

We write a reggae song.

Uh, we take the little sticks of gum and we make them look like joints, which, I'm sure that, uh... that network liked.

(audience laughter) And... we walk in and Gene is there with the other two judges.

And was about to... we sang our song, we're about to sing our song.

We do it.

We fruit it up.

We launch into "Fruit It Up."

And then it's time for judgment day.

And the, uh, the lady from the local agency, she loved us.

Linda, the toy store jingle lady?

Hated us.

Hated us.

And, uh, so then it was up to Gene Simmons.

And, um... uh, my partner Sam says, "What'd you think about our song, Mr.

Simpson?"

(audience reacts) Yeah.

(chuckles) That's what I did.

I, uh, almost passed out.

I was like, "Is it too late to get a new partner"?

Um...

He was really nice about it, though.

He said, uh, he said, "You know, I've been called worse."

And I was like, "All right.

That's cool."

And he goes, "Well, we're gonna... We're gonna to do a coin toss.

(chuckles) I was like, this can't be happening.

You're... my whole future is down to a coin toss?

He takes a quarter out and flips it, and then, time stands still.

It's like, if I could get just one more week on the show, I know somebody would see me.

They would love me.

I'd have my own morning talk show.

This can't be happening.

Gene Simmons looks at me, and I look at Sam, and I look back at Gene.

And I say, "Heads.'

And Gene says...

"Tails."

(audience groans) (whispers): Yeah.

My Hollywood dreams are over.

I did have a Hail Mary in my back pocket, in case we got kicked off early.

I was going to be so charming at the exit interview.

But they are very manipulative in reality TV.

And somehow, they had me say on tape, "Yeah, I hate Linda.

She was mean."

(stammers) I blew it!

I blew it again!

That was it.

So, Sam and I-- we're walking to a cab to take us back to the airport.

We happen to run into Linda on the way there.

And she's like, uh, "Have fun telling your little jokes in New York."

And I was like, "You know what, Sam?

Linda is mean."

(audience laughter) But two weeks later I realized that I do have people that appreciate my art.

I do have fans.

And I did a show and I got a standing ovation.

And I'll tell you what, there wasn't a five-year-old in that crowd who wasn't on their feet singing along to "Lexi and the Ballad of the Birthday Dinosaur."

(cheers and applause) Yeah.

Thank you.