Stories of the Mind

Announcer

Coming up on Stories of the Mind. Being diagnosed, it's like you get pulled into a parallel universe. I'd feel trapped and lonely from depression, but I'd also feel grandiose and have delusions from mania. It's not a wound that will ever be cured, but I will get better.

I think without hope, I would not have made it to where I am today.

Announcer

Support for Stories of the Mind was provided by The Meadows Mental Health Policy Institute and their Okay to Say Initiative. Okay to Say is a community-based movement to increase public awareness about mental health issues. Talk openly about mental illness at okaytosay.org.

Announcer

Additional support provided by the Hackett Family and by viewers like you. Thank you.

Harry Lynch

Mental illness and mental wellness

two sides of mental health. Just like with physical health, everyone can benefit from a healthier mind. Join us on a journey to look at mental health in surprising new ways through enlightening and inspiring stories of people like you. Welcome to Stories of the Mind.

Last year we worked with the University of Texas to help create a film production course. The focus was short documentaries on mental health. and the goal was to try to start a mental health conversation on campus. Little did we know that students were already there.

They're open to sharing their stories in ways that we rarely encounter in older generations, and they already understood that mental health and physical health are just two sides of overall health. We just watched the rough cut of Hilary's film. Before we dive in on critique, Hilary tell us a little bit about why you made this film. I made this film, because I am a person in recovery from bulimia, and I think there are so many misconceptions about it and I just really wanted to share what it's really like to be in recovery.

The students are very positive and they very much embrace the conversation of talking about mental health. I was impressed with how passionately they delved into the subject in their films. I think that they could tell that this was something important, that this was something we need to change the conversation on, and they wanted to be a part of that. Let's talk about Bronwyn's documentary, What Cancer Leaves Behind.

Austin, what did you think? Lost my dad to leukemia very quickly. It's amazing to see a survivor that fights and that wants to live. It's great to see a film that's dealing with physical illness and how that affects the mind.

I feel like the perception of mental health is changing, especially in my generation. I think it's our duty to make sure that older generations and the generations to come change their perception too. What is the mental health connection? Can you talk about that a little bit?

Robin suffered from PTSD after chemotherapy treatment, a major surgery, and then kind of eventually getting into remission. Not only was she suffering a lot mentally and emotionally during the healing process, but then in remission as well, it changed her whole mental environment atmosphere. I mean, I was blown away to hear some of the statistics that she includes in this film. The percentage of people who have suffered and recovered from cancer, who actually have been diagnosed with PTSD, it's incredible.

Right now, I think we look at mental health and physical health as two separately different things, but I think the mental affects the physical, and the physical affects the mental, so we really need to look at it as like one item together. The audience, I think, realizes that there's power in vulnerability. That we tend to sort of admire vulnerability in other people, but we fear it in ourselves. I think in watching the films, it's a reminder that it's okay to talk about this stuff, and it's empowering, and in some cases, it can be a part of people's journeys managing their disorder and overcoming some of those scars that they've faced in their lives.

We'd like to share with you some films from this class, and I think you'll be impressed. Not just by the level of skill from these young filmmakers, but by their keen understanding of the subject.

ukulele music

Mental illness and mental wellness

I've been up for a really long time And I'm looking at the time to lay my head down And I'm not the man that I used to be Never again will I feel this mystery -

Leslie

Mental illness and mental wellness

I really don't want him to define himself as being a mental health patient, or even bi-polar, because that's not who he is. Here's this perfectly healthy, brilliant Rice student, and then the next thing, he's in a mental hospital. You would never know by just looking at him, but he's worked very hard to be where he is now.

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Mental illness and mental wellness

I almost hesitate to point out like some of the positives to this, 'cause there's undeniably something. For example, I went to the Galleria and bought women's size four, I think, extra tight black jeans. I was looking in the mirror, I didn't have any shoes on or my shirt, and I just ran through the Galleria, like sprinted through it. It felt so amazing, I felt like on top of the world.

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Lesley

Mental illness and mental wellness

He also was pretty psychotic. He thought he was some master computer that could fix everybody. I did have hallucinations. They are sort of like visions, whenever I'd like sort of meditate or just like close my eyes and start thinking, and a movie would just start to unfold.

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Mental illness and mental wellness

Then I would switch to some crazy form of depression, where I couldn't even move. I'd felt symptoms of both. I would feel trapped and lonely from depression, but I'd also feel grandiose and have delusions from mania.

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Mental illness and mental wellness

There is this one point where I just was so sad and so drained of energy from this problem that I literally just collapsed to the floor. And I'd never felt that intensity of sadness before. It made me realize how bad life can get, and how I think you can get so bad to where it's not even worth continuing. They're all happy They're all satisfied And I'll recognize Still there is a mind All clouds in the sky Shape that pretty thing And where the wind blows That's where we all go Because at the time, I felt very responsible for my depression.

Once you understand they come from chemicals and situations, it's empowering because you realize, "Oh, I just need to change the situation and the chemicals." It becomes less paralyzing, and it becomes less personal. After he was on the lithium, and certainly after a while, he was new and improved. It's like most people have this wave of ups and downs, manic-depressive people will have their ups and downs, and then, if you triggered it enough, it'll break that threshold level and you'll go way up and you'll come way down. I think what lithium does is it's basically like a barrier to where you can't break that threshold level.

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Lesley

Mental illness and mental wellness

Now that he understands what the medicine can do for him, I think he's really into it.

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Mental illness and mental wellness

What I'd have to say to anybody going through this, or anything similar to this, is to not take this into your own hands. This is an issue that needs to be taken to professional help. Medicine and therapy are the professional help that's needed to truly address this.

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Mental illness and mental wellness

You know they say the tattoos are addictive, which I never believed, but now I have 12. I felt like I had no control, and people don't really understand that eating disorders are similar to addictions, in that you don't- you can't control, or you feel like you can't control your actions.

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Mental illness and mental wellness

The thoughts of, "I'm not good enough," and, "I'm too fat," started... the earliest I can remember is probably 11-years-old. The main reason was because I had an emotionally abusive ballet teacher, and she came into class one day and she told me if I stood a certain way, it would make my legs looks thinner, and I internalized that. You couldn't tell that I had an eating disorder just by looking at me.

A lot of people when they think about someone with an eating disorder, they think, "Oh, it has to be the emaciated girl," but most people who have eating disorders, you can't tell just by looking at them. Something that my eating disorder sort of morphed into was self-harm. Part of the reason why I have tattoos on my left arm is because I have to cover up the scars. A lot of people who have eating disorders also self-harm.

It's just another way to control your emotions, 'cause it gives you this endorphin rush. I've heard people say it helps your insides match your outsides, 'cause you feel all this pain on the inside. When my eating disorder started to get better, I started to look for other ways to express my emotions or to not feel, because people with eating disorders don't want to feel their emotions because usually there's a lot of pain involved, and so you will do anything to avoid that pain. Whether it's drugs, alcohol, eating disorder behaviors, sex, like, I've done all of it.

I decided to seek help, because I didn't want to live that way for the rest of my life. It was really crucial for me. It was a choice to go treatment, but in a way, I didn't really have a choice, 'cause it was either I go to treatment, or I'm probably gonna die from this. The first time I was in treatment, and I was living with my parents, it was a day program.

And I was really upset, because it was a Christian treatment center and I didn't know that at the time when I went. I got there and I was just like, "Oh, hell no!" It ended up being really good, and I guess, the best thing that came out of treatment was the fact that I found my belief in God again. When I started going to church, for some reason, I would just start crying. I talked to my therapist about it, and she told me that something was happening on a spiritual level, something that my mind couldn't understand.

Ever since then, I've been at peace and have thought, "Okay, maybe I can do this, because there's someone bigger than me on my side." I think of my body as sort of like a canvas. I can basically, instead of changing it in unhealthy ways, I can accept it, but then also put ink, and writing, and pictures on it in a way that makes it unique, and in a way that makes it what I want it to be.

The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

19. The significance is that it talks about hope, and I feel like hope has been a crucial part of my recovery. I think that without hope, I would not have made it to where I am today. But...

it's an ongoing process. I think the biggest things keeping me hopeful are, obviously, my spirituality, my belief in God, and my support system. My friends have been tremendous, as well as my family. And without them, I don't think I would have any hope.

I know people in recovery and so I know it's possible. I know that you can get to the other side, it's a matter of working hard and getting the right treatment, the right medication, and reaching out for help when you need it.

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

Cancer changes your identity completely. It takes away everything that you would describe yourself as.

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer, stage four. It had metastasized to my diaphragm and a little bit of my liver, ovaries, outside of the uterus. Being diagnosed, it's like you get pulled into a parallel universe. Throughout treatment you see people walking down the street, people going in and out of the coffee shop, having their life, and you're kind of outside of it, and it feels like you're not part of reality, but at the same time, it feels like I am in reality, like these people live in a bubble of life that seems like it's this.

So it's this weird duality. Then when it all ends, you're supposed to jump back on the other train track of life. It's a really hard thing to do, because you're not the same person, and you don't how to relate to life anymore.

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

I had a full hysterectomy, which was a huge blow, because my whole life, anytime anyone said, "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I would've said, "I'm gonna be a mommy."

dramatic piano music

The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

I read soldiers, that come back from war, rape victims and cancer patients have PTSD, and I was like, "Oh my," because the first two, that's really terrible, and cancer is also really terrible, it turns out. This picture I put up, it's a picture of me when I was little, about seven years old. I put it up at the beginning of my treatment-ish, probably about a year and a little bit ago. I put it up to help me remember to take care of myself, because it's easier for me to take care of other people, and so it was easier to take care of this little girl, make sure she was okay.

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

When people are really depressed or have been through long periods of medical treatment, for example, all of their energy it can be in a frozen state. And so partly what happens with all the yoga practices, but Kundalini yoga in particular is that it really wakes up your energy and helps you get out of those very slow and depressed patterns. I like the little things that she says that makes it about being a survivor, just this helps with anxiety, let go of the fear. You could say that in a normal class, but the fact that it's a survivor class, it's like she's saying, "Let go of the fear that you have "that you might not make it, that chemo is so hard," that...

It's all she has to say is one little thing and it's like she understands.

dramatic piano music

The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

February 28th, I went in with my doctor to hear the news and I was super nervous. He said, "You know, there is no evidence of disease. You're in remission." I just started to cry. It's just this release.

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

We are looking at answers and the doctors are like, "We can't tell you," and, "We can't guarantee anything." "Nobody really knows." You look at life and a garden growing and plants, there's lettuce coming out of this itty-bitty seed and food and it's miraculous.

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

You have to get used to what life is now. It's different for everyone, depending on their cancer, and what cancer leaves behind. What is my new normal, right? What do I wanna do now?

It's not a wound that will ever be cured, kind of. It will be always a sad thing for me, but I will get better.

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

You hear it chiming the hour, and you think, "Oh yeah, it's completely computerized." I think a lot of people don't actually realize that there is a live person that is banging away up here.

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

Each one of these is connected to a baton, or a key in the room downstairs. When you pull it, literally all it does,

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

pulls and rings the bell.

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

Another broken part.

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

This thing breaks all the time. There's a running joke between my mother and myself that the crazy runs deep in the family.

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

Bi-polar is... That's, I think the worst term to use, because then I could be doing something and completely happy and giddy, one thing can happen, and literally like that, I can just be completely opposite state of mind. It's so difficult to try and come back. I was supposed to be on some kind of medication to just kind of even me out and I hated the way that made me feel.

I just couldn't stand it. It did cut down the lows and make it not nearly as extreme, but my rebuttal would be, why would you take the last little bit of joy in your life, that you might still have, and risk throwing that out the window, even if it means not feeling any downs. I just don't think it's worth it, honestly. It's not living if you're just a flat line constantly and can't get excited or upset about anything.

That's part of the joys of being a human. I think it's just having a spectrum of emotion. Music is the most emotional thing there is. It's just so deeply rooted, I think individualistic in each individual person, I think is what gives it just the power behind it.

Probably the biggest challenge I face, that music provides an escape is just absolutely crippling self-doubt...

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

.

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The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

If you can focus deeply into, at least in my case, it's making sure performances are spot on, and you are trying to be a perfectionist with everything. It's really a way just where you can concentrate solely on that, you just have the ability to completely block out everything else.

light uplifting music

The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

My bi-polar has been getting the best of me. I still go through wonderful high periods. My highs have gotten longer, which is wonderful, but God, when I hit lows, they're usually about two. It's like the average person is like a six or seven, they're like twos.

I've been a one like once or twice. I usually try and do whatever I can to prevent myself from getting that bad, because then it's dangerous territory.

clicking and dinging

The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

When you feel that bad, yes, the idea of killing yourself it's absolutely terrifying, I won't lie, it's scary, but even though it is scary to think about death, it is still less scary than the idea of keeping going on and like staying alive. Hey Jim, this is Austin Ferguson and I am headed to go play the carillon, I just wanted to give you guys a heads up. The tower is an extension of me, I think. This place, it's just surreal enough and I think that it really offers an escape from reality for a little while.

church bells chiming

The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

I don't keep anything about my mental health a secret. I don't, obviously, go around with a shirt on that says, "I'm crazy bi-polar, ask me about it." I think it's a big part of my identity that I don't want it to be the only thing that people know about, but I'm definitely not ashamed of it. You learn to fight it and kind of cope with it. I had a voice teacher, her name was Rose Taylor.

She was the most ardent supporter of me playing the carillon, would come to every single thing I did. Rose's life motto was, "Always surround yourself with bells, so you can ring them when the good things happen." I'm very involved and planning to stay with the world of bells for the rest of my life. It's what makes me happiest. These student filmmakers embraced the chance to tell mental health stories of themselves and their friends.

Chances are, you've got a mental health story, and I'm sure that they would encourage you to tell it. Once you do, you'll be surprised at how many other people want to share theirs. And that's the first step in normalizing mental health, simply to talk about it. I'm Harry Lynch, and thanks for watching Stories of the Mind.

Full episodes of Stories of the Mind are available online at mentalhealthchannel.tv.

inspirational music

The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

Support for Stories of the Mind was provided by the Meadows Mental Health Policy Institute and their Okay to Say initiative. Okay to Say is a community-based movement to increase public awareness about mental health issues. Talk openly about mental illness at okaytosay.org.

Harry

The most recent tattoo that I got is Hebrew 6

Additional support provided by the Hackett family and by viewers like you, thank you.