The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes

>> Hi, I'm Lewis Howes, New York Times best-selling author and entrepreneur, and welcome to "The School of Greatness," where we interview the most influential minds in the world to inspire you to live your best life today.

In this episode, I'm joined by Martha Higareda, a renowned actress, writer, and producer known for her insightful takes on love and manifestation.

She shares deep insights into emotional intelligence and relationships and debunks common myths about manifestation.

And we explore why love alone isn't enough for a healthy relationship, and also discuss essential conversations couples should have early on.

I'm so glad you're here today.

Now let's dive in and let the class begin.

Welcome back, everyone, to "The School of Greatness."

I'm very excited about today's episode.

This is a special episode.

A couple of things.

Number one, I've never sat on this side of the table.

So we have the inspiring Martha Higareda in the house.

Very excited because, if you don't know who she is, she has done over 40 movies as an actor, many TV shows as a producer, written many movies, as well, and just is extremely creative and talented and wise in a lot of different ways in the world.

She is someone who's tapped in spiritually into her heart and with the mystical parts of the universe, and she is someone who is a big giver to her friends, her family, and most importantly, to herself, which I think is really powerful.

And she's a big giver to me, as well.

But this episode I want to talk about is relationships and love.

And, again, Martha has a lot of experience in learning about her heart and doing therapy over the years and, you know, being in relationships that didn't work for her.

And now hopefully being in a relationship that does work for her.

>> Yes.

>> So this is all about love and relationships.

And, you know, actually, your movie has a lot of lessons about love and relationships, as well, because there's four different women in the movie that all have like a struggle in their relationships.

And you've been the queen of romantic comedies in Mexico and in Latin America.

>> Yes.

>> And exploding in the box office over the years of writing and being the lead of romantic comedies.

But in romantic comedies, there's typically an approach to love and relationships that looks good on TV and in the movies, but doesn't always necessarily translate to real life.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> So can you break down, first off, what the typical way of love looks like in the movies and in TV, and how some of it actually works in real life, but how some of it hurts women and hurts individuals from thinking it needs to be a certain way that actually has not worked.

So let's start with that.

>> Okay.

So, as you said, I've been doing a lot of romantic comedies in Latin America, and that, in Latin America and in general in the world, where usually always movies, and TV shows usually show the parts in which you get to know the other person and you say, "Oh, I like color blue."

"Me, too."

You know, "I like salsa."

"Me, too."

Like all these different things.

>> Likes and interests.

>> Likes and interests.

And then, when the movie ends, usually, and I'm talking about all the different, you know, princesses movies and all the romantic comedies that I've done and that I've written, by the way, in which the concept of my other half, the concept of you complete me, you know, we know this movie that Tom Cruise did saying, like, "You complete me," all of these things, what they do is that they make you feel you're incomplete and that then, therefore, someone else is going to complete you.

And then, on top of that, when these movies are released, they only show you all that.

And then the end is they kiss, they get married, and then that's it.

>> You know, certain married women who have husbands and children, where they put their husband and their kids before them and before their own, you know, passions or dreams, as well.

And, so, they quiet their voice, they quiet their dreams to serve others only.

And a big part of fulfillment is in service to other people.

It's one of my core things is being in service to my team, to my mission, my friends, my family, and to you.

>> And you are, mi amor.

>> Of course.

>> I'm a witness to it.

>> But if I discount my own service to my health and discount service to my dreams, then I'm not going to be -- I'm going to lose my voice.

I'm going to lose my health, and I'm not going to be as authentic, or I'm not going to be as attractive in life as a human being, not in a sexual term, but in an attractive wholeness term, because I'm not going to be as healthy.

I'm going to feel like I'm discounting myself and just giving to everyone else.

So, in some ways, there's an appreciation from others.

But if you're not giving to yourself what you need and from your creator what you feel like you need to do in life right now, then you're doing a disservice to you.

And I think that becomes less attractive over time.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And that's where you see challenges in relationships after a long time.

Oh, she's a great mother, but she doesn't take care of herself.

And she just abandons herself to give to everyone else.

But then, she becomes less attractive.

Or he, you know, something like that.

>> My parents have a beautiful -- a beautiful way to put this that I learned, They say we are two individuals that we chose to share our lives together.

Right?

So my mom is her whole self.

My dad is his whole self.

And they decided to share their lives together.

Once they share their lives together, they they call it the pyramid model.

So they say God is above, all the way, and it's the thread that's through the entire pyramid.

You and I, meaning Mom and Dad, are the top of this pyramid.

They're the top of this.

And, so, we come first to each other in that.

But we already address the individual part.

You, your health, your purpose, your mission, your partner.

Right?

>> Yes.

>> Now we're together.

And, so, then comes the kids.

Then comes the family, the rest.

>> The dogs, the pets.

>> The dogs, the pets, the family.

Then whatever, the extended family, then the friends, then the community.

So it starts getting bigger and bigger because it includes more and more and more people.

But a lot of people have disagreements in a relationship because the husband or the wife put the kids first.

>> What happens when you put the kids before your partner?

>> A lot of resentment gets built, and also you're not necessarily giving a good example to the children.

Because what happens is you start creating teams.

So, like, you know, that parent that says, "Hey, don't tell your mom, but we're going to do this thing."

You can't do that because you're saying your dad or your mom, your mom is not as important.

I'm the one that's the good guy.

And inside that little brain, you create a fracture, little by little.

Or speaking badly about your partner to your children, you start fracturing their personality.

>> Right.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> It's a good thing you're gonna be disciplining the kids.

Just kidding.

[ Laughter ] I'm just going to be the fun one that does no disciplining.

>> But I think it's a good model because -- And we've discussed it many, many times.

>> Yes.

>> But, again, these conversations are very good to have when you're getting to know the other person.

You know, what are your thoughts about spirituality, religion?

What are your thoughts about politics?

What are your thoughts about... And most people say, "Don't bring that up because you create arguments."

By all means, bring it up because the least of these disagreements you have, the more... You know what I'm going to say?

>> Yeah, yeah.

Well, I just think it's -- >> Like, 80% of the success is who you choose, right?

Of the relationship.

>> Yeah.

And I think if you can choose alignment in the beginning or get everything out on the table earlier than later, and say, "Do we align?"

And if you don't, can you say, "Do I accept?"

And if I accept knowing this is who they're going to be forever, do I align with accepting that?

>> Yeah.

>> And maybe they don't want to raise kids a certain way and that's out of alignment with your values, but could you see it from their perspective and say, okay, it's not what I truly want, but I'm willing to accept this because I see 80% of everything else is so beautiful that this one thing, maybe it's more of a control thing, or maybe it's a thing that I was just raised with that I felt like I wanted to do, but I'm okay with letting the control go on this one thing.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And can I accept her or him that this may be how it always is, and am I okay with that?

And if I'm not okay with that, then maybe you're not the right match, and that's okay, too.

But that's hard once you've found a connection and, you know, certain compatibilities and chemistry with someone, it's hard to be like, well, maybe I'm going to walk away.

Or can you create agreements?

So I feel like we've done a great job of -- we've been blessed that we have a lot of alignment.

>> Yeah.

>> Then we've also had a lot of acceptance.

We're fully accepting of certain things, that you were raised in certain ways that I wasn't.

And we had some things we were very similar, and I accept it.

And I think you accept me for not needing to be a certain way that you were growing up or something.

>> Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

>> And then we've also created a lot of agreements around any things that could be misunderstandings or potential frustrations in the future, or potential arguments.

>> Because they are going to happen.

>> Yeah.

And we create agreements consistently.

So I think first seeing, are you in alignment?

Then seeing, can you create acceptance if there's something you don't want?

Can you accept them?

And if not, can you create agreements to support how you're going to address something that's not in total alignment?

And when you can do those, I feel like you can create much more harmony... >> Oh, so much more >> ...in the relationship.

>> I love our agreements.

>> Yes.

>> And we're constantly creating agreements.

You know, like the other day, I made a phone call about some trip that I wanted to do that you were aware of, but you were not aware of that I literally got on the phone at that one moment, right?

And you kind of felt like I threw you under the bus because you didn't know who you were talking to.

But at the same time, you needed to support me in this phone call.

>> Yes.

>> And after the whole conversation happened and we hung up, I was like, "Hey, oops," you know?

It's true.

And I was like, "Oh, maybe we can make the agreement that" -- You're like, "I want to support you to succeed."

You said this.

>> Yes, uh-huh.

But if I'm in the dark and I don't know what I'm talking about... Just give me context beforehand.

>> Context before you make a phone call.

>> Before you make a call really quick because you're excited.

>> And it totally makes sense, right?

So, then, to me, it's like, but you start making these -- That's an agreement.

We don't talk about anything deep or... >> Intense.

>> ...intense or anything after like 11:00 PM.

>> Yeah.

And a lot of times, I feel like people hide the things they aren't proud of because they feel like the other person's not going to accept them or love them, and they're going to want them to change something.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> As opposed to saying, "This is all of me and maybe I'm working on some things that I'm not proud of or I'm trying to improve here, but this is where I'm at right now.

Can you accept me?"

I think a lot of -- I feel like I struggle thinking that a lot of women can't accept men fully with all their shame and past and, you know, challenges and mistakes they've been through in general.

Do you feel like women struggle with accepting the men that are in front of them if they really knew all their shame and insecurities?

>> Yeah.

>> And why do you feel like it seems to be women want to change men so much.

>> From your perspective, it seems to be women that want -- >> Yes.

That's my perspective.

And why do you feel that happens where women try to change men as opposed to accepting them?

>> I think it happens both ways.

I think it also happens with men.

But I think -- I think it's more common for me to hear the stories from women.

>> Yes.

>> Because I hang out with more women.

So I hear, you know -- Or maybe you hear stories of guys that say, "Oh, I wish my girlfriend wouldn't be this jealous."

So that's a guy that wishes to change his girlfriend, as well.

>> Right.

But that's who she is.

>> But this is who she is, or this is who she is at this moment in her life.

Because maybe, with therapy and things, she will change that about her, but he won't be able to change that.

It has to come from within.

I think what happens is that...

I think when women are trying to change their man, number one, you come off as very controlling.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> This is the thing.

The thing is that nobody can change anybody.

That's the truth.

Like, if there's a truth in life, it's that humans are unpredictable.

And when a woman is trying to change her man, she's trying to feel safe.

She's trying to create a man that won't hurt her.

A man that won't look at other women.

A man that will follow to a tee every single thing that she wants and does.

So, then, therefore, I'm not hurt, and so, there, therefore, I feel safe.

But the reality is that, in human condition, is that no human, no man or woman, is controllable.

Like, you want to control somebody, get a dog.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Don't get a boyfriend, don't get a girlfriend, don't get a partner because you're not going to control that person.

But I think there's this feeling of, if I have the control of this person, then I will feel safe.

And that is a myth.

Like, safety in life is a myth because life will forever continue to move and evolve and change.

So, the same as a human being.

You will not control a person because he will always continue to -- And the second that person or that guy feels feels controlled over and over again, that person is going to want to run away.

And I always say it to my girlfriends, "Think about it the opposite way."

You know, imagine you are complaining, your boyfriend is complaining because you went out with the girls.

A lot of women sometimes complain, "Oh, my guy went out with the guys.

Ah!"

You know?

Imagine it's the opposite way and you're the one that went out with your girls and you show up at home, and instead of showing up at home, "Hey, I missed you.

How was it?"

you show up with this guy that is like, "So, what happened?

What did you do?"

You're going to start feeling like you're not free.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> You're supposed to be free in a relationship to be yourself.

And if you can't, you start feeling trapped.

You start feeling frustrated, and then you want to run away.

>> Yeah.

>> You tell me, but you're the guy.

But I feel like that -- That would happen to me if it was the other way around.

>> Mm-hmm.

When was the moment, then, that you started to make all these realizations, like these myths started to break for you?

Because, again, you lived a certain life in Mexico.

You know, dating and in relationships, and while doing these movies.

Was there a moment where you're like, "These movies and this narrative that women have"... >> Yes.

>> ..."maybe some of it works, but not all of this narrative"?

Like, how old were you and when did you start to, like, break free of that story and start looking at relationships differently and love differently?

>> When was it?

>> How old were you?

Was there something that started to have you go -- >> I'm not going to go into the specifics of who this person was, but it was a relationship in which I found myself kind of like in the horror movies, almost, locked in my bathroom... >> Mm-hmm.

>> ...crying, not knowing who to call, while the other person was banging outside of the door, saying, "Go ahead, call your friend," and cursing and yelling.

And I was like, when did I get here?

>> Mm.

>> Like, you know the stories.

>> Of course.

>> When and why did I get here?

Like what paradigm, what model, what type of movie, who I've been modeling after that got me to a place in which I'm saying I'm afraid of the person I'm with?

And yet it seems like I can't leave him.

>> Mm.

>> And you start thinking, I am the only common denominator in all the relationships that I have had.

So I got to work on me.

Like, this is not about what he did.

This is not about, you know, all of this -- or abusive behavior or whatever it is, the circumstance.

It's not about the other person, it's about you.

And so when you start looking inside of you and you find you're the common denominator, you say, okay, wait a second, why am I attracting these type of guys?

>> Right.

>> You know, some people attract -- They say, "Oh, I want to find a great partner," and you take them to a party, and there are like 10 amazing guys, and there's that one guy who you know is trouble, and that woman who's your best friend will gravitate towards that guy instead of the other 10 that are amazing.

>> Why do women seem to go after the trouble -- the troubled man as opposed to the healthy man?

>> I think it has to do with your past.

It has to do with your inner child.

I think it has to do with unresolved trauma.

I feel -- and it is my experience that -- when you are with someone, you meet somebody, and you feel this crazy amount of chemistry, crazy amount of chemistry, like, my advice is, like, run away.

Because that is not something healthy.

That is unresolved trauma.

That is you being a child inside of an adult body looking at another child inside of an adult body, that his unresolved trauma will touch you in a way, will complete your unresolved trauma.

And you're going to learn a lot of lessons, but are going to be painful.

So why don't you learn them on your own instead?

You know?

Or perhaps go ahead, explore that, live that.

But then you will find yourself inside of a bathroom crying, afraid that this person might do something to you.

>> Right.

>> And then you'll start asking the big questions.

What did I do?

And, so, you'll start looking at your past and the way you grew up and your inner child wounds.

The way we are approaching love and finding love, or looking for love, and the people we attract has a lot to do with this five inner child wounds, that, if we don't assess them before getting into a relationship, you will continue to attract the same guy.

>> What are the wounds?

>> So, one of them is the rejection wound.

So the rejection wound is a wound we all have, literally.

Like, since you're a little kid, you know, at one point, your mom or dad is going to say no to you, and you're going to feel rejected, but there's people that have it even bigger.

We all have that one, but there's people that have it even bigger.

So, you know, you, you have a story of rejection in school.

You've told me many, many times that, you know, you felt rejected.

You felt like you were not... What that creates is a person that, in the future, when there's trouble and when that person feels rejected, that person is going to try to go away or walk away.

>> Run away or react or trigger it or whatever.

>> React, triggered, like I'm feeling rejected.

I'm going to run away.

Or it can also create a person that wants to be -- It's so malleable, so adaptable that if you like whatever thing -- >> Do whatever to fit in and belong and, yeah.

>> Exactly.

So you're looking for love, but you're adapting to whatever the other person wants and needs, you know, like you become that type of adult.

Then there's the abandonment wound.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And that's a tough one because a lot of people experience that, and a lot of women experience that from their mom or their dad.

You know, there's a lot of very sad stories of, "My dad left for another woman, and I never saw him again."

And, so, what does that mean?

And you're a little kid with your little tiny mind of nine years old.

You don't think it's because of other things.

You cannot put yourself in your parents' shoes.

You think it's about you.

>> Yes.

>> They become dependent.

>> What would you say are three lessons you would share with the world or three truths?

>> Wow.

One would be that it's anything that you do... ...if you do it in service of others, whereas it's your family, whereas it's your friends, whereas it's your community, anything that you do in service of others comes from that real, authentic you.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> That you that knows that we are here not just for ourselves, but to serve.

And to leave a world that is -- to leave the world better than how we found it.

And, so, in anything you want to manifest in life, if you just don't do it just because of you, but if you do it because you're serving another person, another human being, the fastest you will manifest into your life.

It's almost like the universe just says -- like says, "Oh, you get it, you get it that it's not just about you.

It's about others."

So I think that would be one.

Another one, it would be this idea that we have of success.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> I was -- You know I'm very close to my father.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> And he was doing the garden, and I had this conversation when I was probably like 12 years old.

And I said to him, "Dad, what is success?"

And he said, "This moment right now, me looking at you and the way the sun" -- because he's a painter.

So he's always looking at how things look.

"How the sun rays are landing on your hair and how I'm, at this moment, just cutting this bush, and I'm having this moment.

For me, that is success."

So we don't know about tomorrow.

We may have all these different dreams and all these different plans and all these different visions of what we want to accomplish, what we want to do.

But that one moment.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> He said, "I'm being successful right now."

The third one would be, don't die with your music in you.

And this is not mine, but it's something that I heard, that when you -- Whoo.

It's a story about a guy who's very, very old.

He's just about to die, and he's in his deathbed, and he is very regretful because he says, "I had all these melodies that were playing in my head."

He was a musician.

"I have all these melodies that I never, never got to write.

And here I am, leaving this world, and nobody will be able to listen to all the music that lived in my heart."

So I think that's a very beautiful, very important lesson for every one of us.

Whatever it is that it is your purpose or your mission or the thing that just lights you the most, whereas it's being with your family and being present with them, or whereas it's being a dancer, whereas it's writing that book, don't die with your music in you.

>> We hope you enjoyed this episode and found it valuable.

Stay tuned for more from "The School of Greatness" coming soon on public television.

Again, I'm Lewis Howes, and if no one has told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

Now it's time to go out there and do something great.

If you'd like to continue on the journey of greatness with me, please check out my web site, lewishowes.com, where you'll find over 1000 episodes of "The School of Greatness" show, as well as tools and resources to support you in living your best life.

>> The online course, Find Your Greatness, is available for $19.

Drawn from the lessons Lewis Howes shares in "The School of Greatness," this interactive course will guide you through a step-by-step process to discover your strengths, connect to your passion and purpose, and help create your own blueprint for greatness.

To order, go to lewishowes.com/tv.