Scattering CJ

(relaxing piano music) -

Introducer

This program is brought to you in part by the Southeast Nassau Guidance Center, committed to hope, healing and recovery. (relaxing piano music) LivingWorks Helping communities keep safe from suicide. www.livingworks.net (relaxing piano music) Additional support provided by The Charles E. Kubly Foundation and the Ruderman Family Foundation.

(computer chiming on) (Hallie sighing) (keyboard clicking) -

Hallie

Thank you for agreeing to take my son on this journey. (somber instrumental music) Tell him that his mom, dad and brother, Connor, loved him. Tell him that his mom is sorry. (keyboard clicking) It will be hard not to be there when you scatter his ashes, so I will truly use your pictures and words to experience his journey.

(somber instrumental music) Thank you again from the bottom of my very broken mom heart for helping me give CJ one last amazing journey. (ducks quacking) (birds chirping) (keyboard clicking) (somber instrumental music) Daddy, will you come a little closer? And daddy, now take it away daddy so I can see myself on the bed. Daddy.

Daddy. Daddy. (CJ giggling) -

Hallie

There's CJ and John hunting out a Christmas tree. Maybe next year maybe we can go to a forest mommy. Or maybe we can go to the museum. -

John

Hey, CJ. -

CJ

Hey, daddy. (Connor chuckling) Hey there, I was just thinking about how wonderful you are. I just wanna say how fantastic you are and how I'm gonna miss you when I go to Afghanistan. I love you mama.

You're wonderful. Love you, bye. (mouse clicking) You know, when I look back to that day, it just went so fast. I was very surprised that he escalated so quickly and got so upset.

At one point he looked at me and he said, "I have nothing," and then he slammed his first on the kitchen counter. He said, "I have nothing." It wasn't anything that was crazy important. It was just, what are you doing, what do you wanna do, next steps as far as your life? He said, "You think I'm a failure don't you?" (Hallie sniffing) I didn't answer.

I can feel right now as clear as it was then, rolling my eyes, like enormous roll. Tipping my head back, like, "God, he's being so dramatic." He said He said, "Failure, "I'll show you failure." He's my brother. (Connor sniffing) I only had one of those and I'll never have another one. (pendulum clock ticking) I ripped the house apart looking for a note.

(clock ticking) I shook every book out, every logical place, every illogical place. Nothing. I brought him into this world. I should have known something.

(keys jingling) (keys jingling) He walked into my company one day and he sat in my chair in my office and he said, "Papa, "someday I wanna run this company "and I'm gonna run it right," (Bill chuckling) which I got such a kick out of. (somber instrumental music) I just wanted him to be around me and be around him. (somber instrumental music) I've never been more depressed in my life than when he did that. I'm not sure I ever loved more than I loved CJ.

(heels clicking on floor) (keyboard clicking) (mouse clicking) (crow calling) Just go ahead and grab that. (paper rustling) (Hallie exhaling) (Hallie sighing) (paper rustling) You just wanna go back. Right there is his writing. My mom is nice.

She likes to play with me. My mom likes diamonds. (John chuckling) I do. My mom loves me.

(John breathing deeply) Squirmy boy. Squirmy boy. Are you chilly? John and I started dating in high school in our junior year and we're still together.

John, if you're seriously taking my. John. I was trying to focus in on something. -

Hallie

No, you weren't John. It's not funny. We were young and being new parents was a lot of work. (baby cooing) And we kind of grew up together.

(relaxing instrumental music) -

Introducer

Mr. And Mrs. John Twomey. (crowd applauding) Please, a round of applause folks.

-

Hallie

We got married when CJ was two. I don't think either of us had a clue what was gonna happen, how we were gonna survive. None of that mattered. Mommy?

- What, honey? Mommy? - What, honey? You know what?

- What? He just had the greatest smile. When he wanted your attention, he'd grab your face. He'd come up real close and he'd grab your face and he'd say, "Mama, are you sinking what I'm sinking?" And you'd look at him and he'd say, "I'm sinking I need a new cookie." (Hallie sighing) Thanksgiving.

The Pilgrims and the Native Americans CJ. (people chuckling) Over the river and through the woods The children now I spy -

John

Did you like that? Yes. It was boring, boring, boring, boring. -

Hallie

When Connor came along, though, I was worried that he would feel put out. But he was so proud to be a big brother. -

CJ

Watch this, when you poke him, he smiles. -

Connor

He was very, very protective of his little brother. He could bust my chops, he could pick on me all he wanted. The second his friends did, he was up close with them, "You better leave my brother alone." -

Hallie

Guys, look up. You're on video. Say, hi. Connor, look up.

(boys laughing) - I'm winning. Careful no one gets hurt. (paper rustling) (Hallie sighing) And that is his official death certificate. (paper rustling) Not something I'm thrilled to have but you have to have.

(paper rustling) Back in the Air Force, when you're out in the field, you use the box to keep it so you don't burn yourself. So you put it in there and then that way if you're scooping stuff out, you're not gonna get it all over yourself. -

Hallie

He wanted to do something different. He wasn't talking college. He knew military before he graduated. That's what he wanted to do.

It's a little cold but not bad, right? Mhmm. - You like it? He always was looking at the next greatest thing, something to kind of push himself.

(guitar instrumental music) CJ was always so proud of being in the military, physically, fitness wise, and the training he's gone through which is incredibly arduous training. (guitar instrumental music) He was so excited as he made it through the ranks and I thought the Air Force was something that would help him define his life. He was recruited for Special Forces and was brought down to Florida to compete for a specific position. I just thought this is it.

This is what he's meant to do. But he didn't get chosen. He didn't make it. (ominous instrumental music) I don't think he could find himself.

I just think he felt like a loser. Sometimes in my sort of dark moments, I feel like such a damn hypocrite. I didn't know what I was doing. I screwed up my plans and, my God, my parents weren't happy.

Why did I think CJ at 20 or 19 years old had his act together? (vehicle humming) I think about what happened and, I don't know, I think there were a lot more things in his life that were going on that we didn't necessarily know about or could see. And I thought CJ would find his way, find a way out. I remember saying, "Just hang in there.

"You'll be fine. It'll take time. "But you gotta hang in." He did a lot more staying in, drinking. He gained weight.

I didn't know what to think of that, didn't know what was happening. What was so bad that we couldn't help him with it? And I'll never know. (seagulls calling) (waves swishing gently) (fog horn blowing) (keyboard clicking) (birds chirping) (waves swishing gently) (upbeat introductory chime) One final journey, that is how an Auburn woman is describing her effort to help keep her son's memory alive.

It's been more than three years since Christopher, CJ Twomey, killed himself, and every day his family has been searching for answers. I don't know exactly when Scattering CJ was born in my head. What I do know is after looking at CJ's urn day after day after day that somewhere it started to dawn on me that this can't be the end for him. I know it's nuts.

People will think I'm absolutely going insane. But could you as a parent ask strangers to take your child's ashes? And I just said, you know, Facebook exists. There's a lot of people.

And so I thought maybe they'll help him see the world that he didn't get to see. Maybe if we ask, somebody will take a minute out of their day and I really thought of it as simply that they'll scatter his ashes and be on their way. I just kept thinking, "John, is it crazy? "Do you think it would be okay?" And he actually said, "You know what, "I think it's a great idea." So I posted it.

And then overnight my phone is beeping and beeping and beeping and beeping and beeping. (cellphone beeping) So I knew something had happened. (relaxing piano music) (cellphone beeping) "Every grain you now possess represents my beautiful CJ. "Please send me any pictures and a description "of his journey." "I want to live each moment as close "to when it happens as possible." (computer beeping) "Thank you for helping me give CJ one last amazing journey.

"Your kindness will never be forgotten." (relaxing instrumental music) (river swishing) -

April

We are in Kent, Ohio, at the Cuyahoga River. (river swishing) CJ, your mom wanted us to tell you that she loves you and she's sorry. She misses you. Your dad and Connor miss you.

You've touched so many lives, including mine and my son's, and I'm gonna turn the rest over to Xander. (somber piano music) It's okay. That (Xander sniffing) your mom misses you. I'm proud to be on this journey, too.

I'm going to spread your ashes. -

April

Go ahead. (somber instrumental music) (river swishing) Thank you, Hallie, for letting us be a part of this journey. It meant so much to us and it's brought us closer and has helped us heal as a family. We hope that you heal soon too.

Thank you, Hallie. -

April

I found, Scattering CJ on Facebook and it opened up a huge communication between Xander and I. (river gushing) I was able to tell him everything about my attempted suicide and my depression. I saw my mom laying on the ground and I didn't really know what it was at the time. I thought she was just sick or something.

I love you. - I love you too. (river gushing) When my mom told me about CJ, it made me cry. When she asked me why I was crying, I said, "'Cause these could be your ashes that I'm spreading." There's been times where I just wanna collapse in my bed and give up.

But I think of CJ and it carries me on to, like, I can do this today. (keyboard clicking) April and Xander just sent pictures. They had gone to where they scattered CJ and my first thought was, Xander's growing up. (Hallie chuckling) But he's growing up remembering my son and that's pretty amazing.

(keys jingling) Scattering CJ has opened a door to a world that I didn't realize that so many people are looking to have a supportive community. The page itself has taken on a life of its own. There are people now that are reaching out and are helping each other. (keyboard clicking) I never thought of Scattering CJ as a platform to raise awareness about mental illness because I didn't even recognize it in my own son.

(keyboard clicking) (fireworks exploding) -

Tony

Hallie, we are proud to be just a tiny part of the Scattering CJ community. We didn't have the good fortune to know him in life, but in death he has connected us both with you and the rest of your family. Justin took out CJ and the picture and the letter from you and we had our special little ceremony as I let him fly off into the winds of Kilimanjaro. (people singing in foreign language) (people clapping in tandem) -

Tony

I hope you can feel the warmth and joy that they felt for us and in being able to achieve our mission of scattering CJ there for you. (people singing in foreign language) (people clapping in tandem) (vehicle humming by) (birds chirping) (vehicle door banging) (vehicle beeping) -

John

I like to keep my life, my life. I don't have my own Facebook. I still have that introvert part of me. I just didn't expect that people necessarily would care.

But the change that can happen because of social media is spectacular. It was just like a natural fit for a kid who wanted to go everywhere and we are very thankful for that. (vehicle humming by) The kindness that's been extended to us from every continent, I offer them nothing. All I ask is that people take a picture, and then all of a sudden it just sort of started to build.

People sent videos and private words that they share with CJ now on camera, why would someone do that? People are gathering their families together and incorporate it in a way into their vacations or their travels where it's not just a blip on the radar, it's a planned event. Who does that? (relaxing instrumental music) I'm Anna and this is my husband, Nev.

We're here today at the Great Pyramid of Giza to scatter CJ's ashes. (relaxing instrumental music) (waves gushing) (singing bowl chiming) -

Lady

CJ, your mom loves you very much. I'm here for CJ. Hallie, here's CJ. I'm taking scuba diving.

We're gonna go up to Great Barrier Reef and we're gonna do it right now. (man cheering) (water splashing) (relaxing instrumental music) (people blowing CJ's ashes) We're here at the Great Wall of China. (relaxing instrumental music) -

Introducer

Welcome to the 22nd Olympic Winter Games. (people blowing CJ's ashes) (relaxing instrumental music) (person blowing CJ's ashes) Over Rio, over Ipanema. (man cheering) (wind howling) (relaxing instrumental music) -

Man

Three, two, one. (rocket rumbling) May he fly among the Buddhas and find peace. (birds chirping) Namaste. (birds chirping) I'm sure we've all had dinner on this table with parts of CJ.

When I first started, I didn't have to tip it. There was more ashes in here, but now I have to actually tip it and try desperately not to spill my son, which some days I laugh at and some days makes me cry. (plastic rustling) Okay. (plastic rustling) This process has never gotten easier for me.

I hate what I'm doing. I think it's the right thing and I think we made as a family the right decision, but I hate it. Who else is sitting at their dining room table right now with their son? It sucks.

(waves swishing) - Hi, Hallie. We are in West Bay Honduras. CJ, I'm only gonna ask you for one thing. Your mom's moved heaven and Earth so that you can have some wonderful places on this planet.

Now all I'm asking of you is that every once in a while you let her know everything's okay. And you can be a nice breeze on a warm day, a reminder when she turns the corner and sees something that makes her smile, or you could just help her find her keys. (relaxing instrumental music) Thank you for that privilege, Hallie. (waves swishing) (fire crackling) I am overwhelmed with people that have shared their stories and their stories are unbelievably strong.

I could not have imagined that a community would form, looking to him for strength and to prevent the next CJ. (somber instrumental music) When I first read about "Scattering CJ", I just cried by myself on my bed. It's so tragic but it's healing in my own life. (waves gushing) Since I was eight I had feelings of being alone or neglected or not loved by my family and that contributed to my thoughts of suicide.

And I carried them with me a lot. (waves gushing) I would look up stuff on the internet. How to do it, which one wouldn't hurt, which one would be quick. They all sounded really scary.

CJ is a reminder to get help. (waves gushing) (man speaking over loudspeaker) It's hard when you're younger to see that life is gonna get any better than what it is right then. I understand what it's like to struggle and be made fun of and bullied, or just afraid to show up. A lot of people suffer in silence.

They're afraid to tell someone how they feel. (man speaking over loudspeaker) (people cheering) There's good days and there's bad days. Some days I need more help than others. (vehicle humming by) (crickets chirping) My mom could've easily been Hallie.

I wanted to celebrate that she wasn't and have her accompany me to do something that was healing for me. (shoes crunching on gravel) I made a promise to myself that I would never end my life. I made a promise to CJ. (crickets chirping) I can be a legacy as part of CJ.

(crickets chirping) He can live on in the thousands of places and people that he's touched. (crickets chirping) (Heidi blowing CJ's ashes) (crickets chirping) I wanna be there for someone else so they have a happy ending like me. (crickets chirping) (birds chirping) (relaxing instrumental music) (trampoline creaking) (kids laughing) (dog's paws clicking on floor) Locked. Connor, they're all set.

(spoon scraping in bowl) (spoon clanging in bowl) Thank you. - You're welcome. (Hallie chuckling) - You're such a dork. -

Connor

Of course I am, I'm your son. (spoon clanging in bowl) (switch clicking) (relaxing guitar music) (machine whirring on rails) There's not a day goes by that I don't think about him, even briefly, just in that split second. Man, I wish he was here. (relaxing guitar music) My mother, she's afraid that people are gonna forget my brother.

I think they will remember him because of the example he set, that even if someone looks like the happiest individual in the world, they might be fighting a battle that no one else knows about. If my brother is just that little push that makes somebody go, maybe I should talk to them, maybe I should at least let them know that someone's here, then I'm okay with that. (gas blowing to light) I know things will never be the same as they were but all I wanna do is find the ability to enjoy life now. I want my parents to be happy.

I wanna be happy with them. I wanna make more happy memories. (water bottle thudding on floor) Water, glasses. It's all going everywhere.

(Hallie chuckling) Hey, dad. (vehicle humming) Good, how are you feeling? Yep. Yeah, John's having CJ's ashes put into a tattoo.

I will tell him you said you hope it's painful. (Hallie chuckling) You're so nice. I love you, dad. Bye.

(relaxing guitar music) Never in a million years did I think that I'd be excited and happy to go hang out as a family at a tattoo parlor but I appreciate any moment that we can stick together and bond in that experience. (tattoo gun buzzing) (relaxing guitar music) (tattoo gun buzzing) It's been pretty amazing how many places that CJ has been able to have been scattered. Did you guys intend for that to happen when you initially? No, I mean, it just started out with just some friends who were going on vacation and see if we can find just some cool places to send him.

(tattoo gun buzzing) And then Hallie had asked somebody on Facebook to do it and then it just exploded. Wow, something tells me CJ would've thought that was cool. (relaxing guitar music) (tattoo gun buzzing) -

Hallie

Look at that. It's crazy. (relaxing guitar music) I think through this we just have to find a new normal. So we just have to figure out for the three of us what that new normal is, what it looks like because it won't ever be the same.

(tattoo gun buzzing) Are you comfy? - I am. (tattoo gun buzzing) We have to be able to find those moments just to be happy. (tattoo gun buzzing) We'll figure out a different way.

(upbeat instrumental music) (vehicle humming by) (skateboard clanging) (plastic rustling) How many are we doing? I'd like to do 20 if we could. Okay. - I need to get caught up.

-

John

We had one younger girl, I think she was in high school. She writhingly messaged Hallie and told her that she was thinking about ending her life. Hallie made the connections to the police department and they were able to find her and they were able to get her help. (paper cutter sliding) The biggest thing for me is the impact on everybody else's life.

(ducks quaking) (relaxing instrumental music) -

Hallie

I just wanna shut my brain off some days. In the really dark moments, that's what scares me when I start thinking too much. I need to know that I will continue in his honor to try to make positive changes, however that turns out to be. His suicide has challenged me to find strength that I still some days don't feel like I have.

But when I need something positive, when I need to try to shake myself out of dark moments, Will is one of the people, one of the whole experiences through "Scattering CJ" that causes me reason to pause and to reflect and to think. (mouse clicking) (oxygen bubbling under water) (relaxing instrumental music) I have close to 400 dives as a civilian diver and I'm the founder of the Fearless Rock Underwater Memorial here in Ouachita, Arkansas. One time we were just diving down just to take care of the memorial. One of the divers reached over and handed me this little block.

And I looked at it and then it kind of hit me that I was holding something that contains somebody's ashes. (relaxing instrumental music) (water trickling) "So herein contains the cremains of CJ Twomey. "Formerly in the US Air Force. "He will never be forgotten.

"God bless & comfort his Mom." (relaxing instrumental music) When I got home that night I was trying to figure out who CJ Twomey was and then that led me to the "Scattering CJ" page. And as soon as I talked to Hallie, it brought up a lot of feelings that I had as well. And the pain that she was going through is something that I have seen firsthand in my own life. My grandmother committed suicide and I found her.

(relaxing instrumental music) I remember saying to Miss Hallie, "I will put him with the Lady of the Lake". From one mother who lost a son to another mother who lost a son, I think she knows exactly how you feel. (relaxing instrumental music) (oxygen bubbling under water) (water trickling) (birds chirping) Neither one of us knows to this day who put the plaque down there. We do not know.

But when I go down to see CJ, he stays down there and he guards the Lady of the Lake, and so that always makes me very happy to honor him as well. (somber instrumental music) (birds chirping) (Hallie groaning) Strangers that have taken part in this have found ways to make this journey special. (Hallie chuckling) A picture somebody made for us of CJ and Connor. Necklaces for John, Connor and I, and key chains and coins to the family of a fallen hero.

These are the ashes that actually went into space. How amazing is that. From Australia, we have the little thing. This gorgeous box hand tooled.

"In loving memory of CJ," with all of the items from April. The Dominican Republic by Bridget and her whole family and it's all about their time with CJ. An entire bag from Mardi Gras. The sand from the beach and she crumpled up the little plastic bag that I sent his ashes in and it's inside, the sand, and made this ornament because she didn't wanna throw out the bag.

(upbeat guitar music) And every one of these things just, I'm smiling about them now and I cried so much. Every time something arrived, I cried. A replica from the Monastery of Saint Catherine. From Egypt.

Every one of these pieces has CJ's ashes. And this gorgeous prayer shawl from a woman named Grace in New Zealand that sent it so that I could wrap myself up and think about CJ. How do you thank people for this? This is proof that people maybe won't forget him and that's the most important thing for me.

(children chuckling) -

Child

Give me that bandage. -

Kelly

Where's CJ? (children chuckling) -

Kelly

My dear friend, Hallie. It is so nice to be able to call you 'friend.' Imagine having a friend on the other side of the world you have never seen in person, never given a hug to, but you have an inseparable bond for life because that person trusted you with something so important. Where did we scatter him? We scattered him in Fiji.

- Yeah, we've definitely been to seven places. -

Kelly

Can anyone tell me where Fiji is? Here. - That's New Zealand. This area?

- That's it. (water trickling) Hi, CJ. (relaxing instrumental music) This is me, Kelly. My husband, Jason.

My two kids, Hamish and Violet. (water splashing) My mum, Anne, and stepdad, Arthur. My dad, Chris, and stepmum, Kate. And we took you on one of your final journeys.

We were holidaying on the south coast of Fiji. We wanted your final day with us to be very special. All of my family members, even the little ones, were familiar with your story. Think happy thoughts.

Say something nice to CJ. Happy travels. My dad made the beautiful and poignant observation that it could take you 20 years to reach the ocean, so your journey will continue long after we've left this beautiful place. And all of us who participated will never forget the privilege of playing a part in scattering your ashes, CJ.

(people singing in foreign language) Maybe one day your mum will find peace in realizing how many lives you've impacted in the most uplifting way. Love, from the Vellas, the Foxes, the Ryans and the Muggletons. (people singing in foreign language) (Skype ringtone chiming) Hello? - Hello.

Hi, Hallie. - Hi, Kelly. How are you? -

Kelly

It's so nice to meet you. You, too. So I just watched your video. Oh, you did.

Watching it, it's just such an honor to have you do what you did. (somber instrumental music) So many people think of suicide as such a stigma and don't wanna talk about it. So that you not only chose to do this but that you included your children and sort of used that opportunity to talk about that, that just helps break down the walls and the barriers that come with this. And this is just me, Hallie.

This is one person out of the hundreds and thousands of people that you've included. I just think what you do in CJ's memory sets an example in life that other people should follow. It's hard not to see your video and feel good. And I promise you that I will remember your words.

Have a wonderful Wednesday, or no, Tuesday. What time is it? -

Kelly

Yeah,

it's about 11

30 in the morning. I think you're about as far a place I can get. Hi, Mrs. Twomey.

My name is Adam Cochrane and I'm here with my son, Charlie, and my wife, Jessica, and we're here to spread CJ's ashes in the Veterans Memorial Park in Moore, Oklahoma. So CJ, your mom says she's very sorry and she loves you very much. (waves swishing) -

Lady

it's about 11

CJ is with us in Daytona Beach. CJ, your mom and your dad and your brother, Connor, love you very much. (waves swishing) Hi, Hallie. I'm here with CJ in Aoraki/Mount Cook National Park in New Zealand.

This morning we got up early and watched the most spectacular sunrise. I hope it's something you would've enjoyed. (man blowing CJ's ashes) (crow cawing) (blinds clanging) (birds chirping) (computer message chiming) (mouse clicking) (keyboard clicking) (relaxing instrumental music) (cicadas chirping) -

Connor

it's about 11

My parents are in the process of selling the home I grew up in, the home that my brother was in with us. Sadly, the home that we lost him in. (cicadas chirping) I think my parents moving is the best thing for them. I couldn't be happier that my mother wants to move on slightly with her life.

(ducks quaking) She needs that. She really does. (relaxing instrumental music) It's been a process. I don't think I was ready to leave the house and I definitely wasn't ready to leave Connor.

But he's come so far. He wants us to enjoy things. (water trickling) I think he thinks CJ would want that and that that's how we honor his brother's memory is by living. (water trickling) (relaxing instrumental music) -

John

it's about 11

We'll never be able to get away from this fully but at least we can start a new chapter. To embrace joy again, real, pure joy. (Hallie sighing) That sounds like paradise to me. So maybe I think John's right, it's time to go.

(ducks quaking) (cicadas chirping) Are you done? - Yeah. Well, all right then. Not even a nibble?

- Nothing. We pulled quite a few weeds out of the water. - Oh good, weeds. (Hallie chuckling) (cicadas chirping) (vehicle humming) The sunset was beautiful.

It's such a pretty night. (birds chirping) (ball bouncing) (footsteps thudding on wooden stairs) All right, I gotta go in the basement. Hi John, do you have any idea where the tape is? I also need a picture of CJ, John.

Oh, I need we need "Scattering CJ" bracelets. (box rustling) Every day's a gift and I forget that sometimes. And I think we need to be reminded that life can be ugly and messy and we don't all get the happy ending. I just keep going every day and some days are good, some days are bad.

I just hope that somebody will hear us and then maybe we'll change somebody's outcome. (vehicles humming by) Look how beautiful it is. (vehicles humming by) I was so lost. I just wanted my son to be remembered.

I can't help but think that if you watch our struggle, if it makes you a little bit more aware, if you learn about CJ and you walk away from that intent on making a difference, being kinder than you might have been, being more open to those that are struggling around you, that's huge. (Hallie chuckling) - Great. Got it. With CJ, I really think it was just a really poor snap decision.

There are times where people just don't feel like there's any other way out. There are other ways out. There are other things that you can do. There are people who are willing to help.

(relaxing instrumental music) -

Hallie

it's about 11

I am not on a one-woman mission to raise awareness about suicide, but it is part of our reality and it shouldn't be something that's forbidden to speak about. -

Connor

it's about 11

If all of this can help even one person realize, hey, I'm not weak for asking for help, I'm not a failure 'cause I can't do this on my own, if one person is still alive today because of this, it's awesome. -

Introducer

it's about 11

Our final guest speaker tonight is Hallie Twomey. Hallie has no idea how many lives she has touched and at times probably saved as she continues to openly share her story. Each day that I survive talking about him, sharing his story, forcing people to listen, opening eyes to the beast that is suicide, it's a battle I face every day. Changing mindsets about mental illness, what it is and what it isn't, all efforts that help keep me functioning, all practices that give me a purpose.

To do nothing, not an option. (audience applauding) I was balling my eyes out. (John chuckling) (Hallie chuckling) So close. - Yeah.

So close. Keep fighting, I have to every day. You are a powerful voice. Oh, Connor, you're leaving, right?

Yeah, - I gotta give you a hug. I love you, love you, love you. - Love you. You were really good today.

Thank you. All right. I don't say goodbye to Connor without telling Connor I love him. (relaxing instrumental music) (car locks clicking) You aren't promised a second chance so you better make sure that you tell your family you love them.

(relaxing piano music) Life is short and you don't know what's promised for tomorrow. (cicadas chirping) (relaxing piano music) (birds chirping) (music chiming) (lock clicking) (record player winding up) (relaxing instrumental music) (record player clicking) You're gonna miss it someday. Mm-mm. (dog paws clicking on floor) -

John

it's about 11

Leaving the house will be a little daunting. When we walk through, you can still hear the laughing, the conversations and stuff like that. (upbeat music) Your foot. He will always be that goofy little kid and you know, he'll never leave my memory.

(birds chirping) (metal lid clanging) I think that this part of his journey is over. It's really hard to think about not mailing him anymore, but we need an end and it's okay. So I think it's time to see what comes next. (trees rustling in wind) (vehicle humming by) (vehicle humming) (Hallie groaning) Does anybody wanna change their mind?

(Hallie chuckling) I think you do. - I think your brother would totally understand. - Nope. No.

It's all good. - No? No. - No.

There's apparently a big peace symbol that somebody that used to skydive a lot had it built and then he passed away. -

Connor

it's about 11

Now, the question is how did he pass away? -

Hallie

it's about 11

Well, let's just hope it wasn't skydiving. (airplane engines roaring) CJ did this in the military and loved it. He absolutely loved it and would call us. We're training?

He loved it. He'd call us and you could hear the endorphins and he was so excited. -

Lady

it's about 11

Connor (indistinct) with Hallie (indistinct). (airplane engines roaring to start) We wanted to sort of have a last family moment to honor him and to scatter his ashes. Connor, give me a kiss. (people chuckling) - I'll give you a hug.

(airplane engines roaring) (relaxing instrumental music) -

Hallie

it's about 11

This is a way of ending things on a high note. I hope he can see us and he knows we're doing this for him. (airplane engines roaring) (somber instrumental music) CJ, we came here today as a family to honor you and to honor your memory. We all love you.

We're gonna leave a little bit of you here so you can live this adventure every single day. (somber instrumental music) I love you, kiddo. ("One More Light" by Linkin Park) Should've stayed Were there signs I ignored Can I help you not to hurt anymore We saw brilliance when the world was asleep There are things that we can have but can't keep If they say Who cares if one more light goes out In this sky of a million stars It flickers, flickers Who cares when someone's time runs out If a moment is all we are Or quicker, quicker Who cares if one more light goes out Well, I do The reminders pull the floor from your feet In the kitchen One more chair than you need Oh, and you're angry and you should be It's not fair Just 'cause you can't see it Doesn't mean it isn't there If they say Who cares if one more light goes out Well, I do (relaxing instrumental music) Who cares if one more light goes out In this sky of a million stars It flickers, flickers Who cares when someone's time runs out If a moment is all we are Or quicker, quicker Who cares if one more light goes out Well, I do Well, I do (relaxing instrumental music) (relaxing instrumental music) -

Introducer

it's about 11

This program is brought to you in part by the Southeast Nassau Guidance Center, committed to hope, healing and recovery. (relaxing piano music) LivingWorks Helping communities keep safe from suicide. www.livingworks.net (relaxing piano music) Additional support provided by the Charles E. Kubly Foundation and the Ruderman Family Foundation.

To learn more visit www.scatteringcjfilm.com.