Peter Pan Goes Wrong

Good evening, and a very merry Christmas to you.

I'm David Suchet and I'm speaking to you direct from the BBC Studios.

I'm hugely excited to have been asked by the BBC to narrate tonight's amateur production of Peter Pan, performed by the recipients of this year's BBC Community Choice Award.

So, before we begin, let's take a moment and meet the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society...

The Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society is an amateur theater group.

And we're made up of people who do lots of different courses, but who come together in the evenings and at the weekends to create theatre.

I am Chris.

I am the Director.

I'm Robert.

I'm the lead actor.

-You're not the lead actor.

-Well, I'm the best actor.

[babbles] You're doing it again.

You're still-- -[babbling continues] -No one can understand you!

Right, I've been working as a Stage Manager for Cornley for about five years now.

And what these so-called BBC professionals need to learn, is that when we're live, it's my stage.

Hmm?

[Robert] Why were we selected?

Hard work, talent and our previous high-quality productions.

-[chuckles softly] -[grunts] Oh, and because of our cast member Max, whose aunt runs the BBC.

[Sandra] Our strengths?

Erm.

-Well, everyone's really keen.

-[Jonathan] Hmm.

[Sandra] Yeah, everyone's really committed.

Everything's so strong.

Yeah, it's been, er, good getting to know each other really well.

Yeah, and, you know, now we're really close.

[Jonathan] Yeah, really close.

Robert's niece is playing the Lost Boy Tootles.

She's quite nervous about being on live TV, but, um, Robert's coaching her, so, she'll be fine.

-Come on, Lucy, more confidence!

-Oh.

You're gonna ruin Christmas!

I just want to get through the whole thing without killing anyone.

[chuckles] That's your cue, Dennis!

God.

Can we-- Can we get him an earpiece?

Got a headset.

Will it be noticeable?

No.

-[screams] -Dennis, Dennis, stop!

All right, enough, stop!

[Robert] We are confident this pantomime will run smoothly.

This is not a pantomime.

[chuckles] It is a traditional Christmas vignette.

Oh, no, it isn't!

[laughs] [chuckles hesitantly] Right, that's my cue.

Here we go!

See you on the other side... [audience applaud] All children, except one-- Oh!

All children, except one, grow up.

Wendy discovered that she would grow up when she was at a picnic and her mother said the words, "Oh, I wish you could stay like this forever!"

And then she knew.

It is this very Wendy, along with her two brothers Michael... [twinkly music playing] [David] ...and John... [twinkly music playing] ...who begin our story.

[twinkly music playing] The setting is their bedroom, on the third floor of a townhouse in Bloomsbury.

Come along, boys, stop playing around.

It's time for you to get into your bedclothes.

It's too early for bed, Wendy.

You're turning into Mother.

Well, I should love to be like Mother.

-[headphones beeping] -Well, I shouldn't.

That would be ever so dreary, Wendy.

John's right.

I can't stand being cooped up in this boring old nursery.

I'm four years old!

Not every day can be an adventure, Michael.

Now, it's time to get ready for bed.

I can hear Father's footsteps.

Has anyone seen my cufflinks?

Oh, George, you are forever losing things.

[twinkly music playing] Their father George Darling was a man of business.

A little pompous, but with a kind heart.

-I have searched the ho-- -He was-- He was far less serene than their mother Mary Darling, a genteel and elegant woman.

-I have searched the hou-- -Although sometimes... he forgot to show it... George loved them all dearly.

I have searched the house high and low.

I put a thing down for a moment and it is as if fairies have danced off with it.

Oh, Father!

I would so love to have fairies skipping about the house.

I don't believe in fairies.

Wendy, have you seen my cufflinks?

-No, Father.

-I mean, really, is it me?

Or is the world going mad?

I'll look in the drawing room, George.

[headphones beeping] Perhaps, Nana has seen them, Father.

That creature is almost certainly the reason they are missing.

-[twinkly music playing] -Woof!

-Nana!

-Nana!

-Come here, girl!

-Come on, Nana.

-Come here, girl!

-Come on, Nana.

I don't understand all this affection towards that dreadful animal.

What about me?

Where are my cufflinks?

-Perhaps Liza has seen them.

-[twinkly music playing] The final member of the household was Liza, the Darlings' housekeeper, different in every way to Mrs.

Darling.

[in cockney accent] I've found your cufflinks, Mr.

Darling.

You left them on the dresser.

[gong echoing] A sweeter family you've never seen, with hearts as good as gold.

And on this fateful evening, our story shall unfold.

[twinkly music playing] [audience cheer, applaud] Thank you, Liza.

You have saved my evening.

[chuckles softly] Now leave that beast alone, the three of you.

We're only petting her, Father.

[audience laugh] That dog needs to be taught some discipline.

Now, all of you, time for bed and to take your medicine.

Fetch the medicine bottle, Nana.

When I was small, I used to-- -[thud] -[audience laugh] [audience laugh, applaud] When I was small, I used to thank my mother and father for giving me medicine.

I would say, "Th--" Ugh!

Say-- Say-- I would say, "Thank you, kind parents, for giving me bottles to keep me well!"

Ah, here is Nana now.

Bring me the medicine bottle, Nana!

Bring me the medicine bottle, Nana!

Thank you, Nana.

Now, fetch me a spoon.

[groans] [Mr.

Darling] Liza!

[grunts in agony] Yes, Mr.

Darling?

Liza, take that wretched animal outside and chain her to her kennel.

Come on, Nana.

-Outside!

-[groans] [grunts in agony] Thank God that animal's gone.

[audience laugh] [door opens] What's all this commotion, George?

Mary, my dear.

Nothing's wrong.

The children were just getting into bed.

-Where's Nana?

-Liza locked her outside.

But she protects the children!

-Protects them from what?

-The boy who visits this room.

Oh, what nonsense.

Mother and I saw him the other evening.

He slipped away through the window.

Mother ran to slam it shut before he could escape, but he was too nimble, the window shut and we caught just his shadow, which started dancing across the room.

[audience laugh] A dancing shadow?

Oh, really!

Whatever will you come up with next?

I had Liza lock it in the chest.

See for yourself, George.

Liza has the key.

I shall get Liza to fetch the key.

-Liza!

-Yes, Miss Wendy?

[audience laugh] -Have you the key to the chest?

-I shall fetch it at once.

-[car horn honking] -Your cab's here, Mr.

Darling.

-Excellent.

Let's go down-- -[car horn continues honking] Another cab's here, Mr.

Darling.

-Excellent.

Let's go down-- -[car horn continues honking] A third cab's here, Mr.

Darling.

Three cabs?

One for Mary.

One for me.

And one for my hat.

Let's go downstairs.

I shall fetch the key, Miss Wendy.

-Thank you, Liza.

-Mary, the cab's here!

The cab's here?

I shall fetch my shawl.

Very good, Mary.

Where is that maid?

Liza!

I found the key, Miss Wendy!

Now I can show you the shadow, Father!

Oh, Wendy, you really must grow up.

There is no shadow.

[ominous music playing] That will be all, Liza.

I don't have time for this.

Please look, Father!

Mary, the cab's here, we shall be late!

[all scream] [audience laugh] The cab's here.

Yes, I found my shawl.

Very good!

Come along, Mary!

I'm going downstairs.

Someone has to be grown up around here.

[grunts] [grunts, strains] [audience laugh] [pants, strains] [continues grunting] [groans, strains] All right, my dears, time to turn the lights out.

Make sure you all-- [gasps] -What is it, Mother?

-Oh.

I thought I saw a face at the window.

-Nothing there.

-[chattering indistinctly] [Mary] Must be my imagination!

[headphones beep] Won't you sing us a lullaby, Mother?

-Oh.

-No, Dennis.

Speak with feeling, for God's sake.

[audience laugh] No!

No!

No!

Don't repeat that, you idiot!

[audience laugh, applaud] Of course, my sweet.

[children yawning] Hush now, my darlings Don't you stir Dream of a world Of adventure Be at peace You'll be grown up one day Till then Put your fears away - Close your eyes -[drill machine whirring loudly] And rest your heads Safely tucked into your beds -[hammer tapping] -[drill machine whirring] All is quiet And all is calm - I'll never let you -[chainsaw whirs] Come to harm Night-light lit To guide your way - Until the sun -[shouts] Brings in the day -[men shout, argue] - And as they take Their maiden flights Guard my sleeping Babies tonight!

Guard my [softly] Sleeping babies tonight [audience cheer, applaud] That was beautiful, Mother.

Thank you, my dear.

Mother, can anything harm us when the night-light is lit?

Nothing, precious.

-[screams] -[gasps] [audience laugh] They are the eyes a mother leaves behind to guard her children.

Mother... you look pretty tonight.

-Are you tucked in, Michael?

-Yes, Mother!

-Are you comfortable?

-[grunts] -Ooh!

-[strains] Yes, Mother.

And you, Wendy?

-Yes, Mother.

-[both grunt in agony] -[breathes sharply] -[Michael gasps] And you, sweet John, are you feeling sleepy?

[screams] Goodnight, my dears.

Dear night-lights, that protect my sleeping babes, burn clear and steadfast tonight.

[grunts] [audience laugh] No!

No!

Wait, wait, wait!

-Oh, God.

oh, God.

No, no!

-[Wendy screams] [screams] I'm in!

I'm in!

I'm in!

Oh-- Oh-- Oh, God!

I-- Down!

Down!

Down!

Down!

Oh, God!

[strains] [audience applaud] Thank heavens I didn't wake the children!

Tinker Bell?

Tink?

Where are you?

Have you found my shadow?

Do you know where they put it?

[breathes sharply] -There you are!

-[breathes sharply] Do you know where they put it?

-Oh my!

-[grunts] [breathes sharply] In here?

Are you ready, Tink?

Don't let it startle you!

It's time to get my shadow back.

Don't let it dance away.

[bluesy nightclub music playing] [grunts] -[music fades] -[audience applaud] Ah-ha, got you!

Now to stick you back where you belong.

I'll stick you back on with... soap!

Boy, why are you crying?

Oh!

[sobs] I'm not crying.

What's your name?

Wendy Moira Angela Darling.

What's yours?

-Peter Pan!

-What are you doing?

I'm trying to stick my shadow back on.

[laughs mockingly] You can't stick a shadow back on with soap.

It must be sewn.

-What is "sewn"?

-I shall show you.

There, it's done!

Why don't you try it?

Wendy, it's done!

Look!

Look!

Oh, the cleverness of me!

I'll give you a kiss, if you like.

Thank you.

Don't you know what a kiss is?

I shall know when you give it to me.

[chuckles] And now shall I give you a kiss?

If you please.

Not on stage!

Oh.

An acorn!

I shall wear it on a chain around my neck.

[audience laugh] -How old are you?

-I don't know, quite young.

I ran away-- I ran away the day I was born!

-Ran away?

Why?

-I'll tell you for why-- I heard Mother and Father talking of what I was to be when I was a man.

I want always to be a little boy and to have fun.

So, I ran away to Kensington Gardens and lived a long time among the fairies.

[audience laugh] -You know fairies, Peter?

-Yes.

But they're nearly all dead now.

Children know such a lot now.

Soon they don't believe in fairies.

And every time a child says, "I don't believe in fairies," there's a fairy somewhere that falls down dead.

[twinkly music playing] -You can fly!

-Of course I can-- [grunts] [Peter] Of course I can fly!

-No!

No!

No!

[screams] -No!

[screams] Where on earth did you learn to do that?

In Neverland.

I fly everywhere with my friends, the Lost Boys.

How thrilling.

Wendy, come away with me to Neverland!

-[Peter groans] -[screams] [loud thud] [chuckles] Oh, dear, I mustn't!

Think of Mother.

-Besides, I can't fly.

-I'll teach you.

Oh, how lovely!

To fly!

[pants] -[Wendy] But is it far?

-Not far at all.

Just the other side of the stars.

[twinkly music playing] [audience laugh] Would you teach John and Michael to fly, too?

-Of course!

-[screams] -Oh, my God!

Robert!

Oh, my God!

-[Wendy screaming] -John!

John!

Someone!

Someone!

-Someone, help!

Help!

Help!

-[Peter] Help!

Help!

-[screams] -Trevor!

Trevor!

Trevor!

-Put it out!

Put it out!

[all scream] Get off stage.

Get off stage right now.

What's wrong with you?

Spraying me in the face like that!

[chokes, gags] [coughs, splutters] [strains] Not again!

John!

Michael!

Wake up!

There is a boy here who wants to teach us to fly.

-[groans] Fly?

-[Wendy gasps] I should love to fly.

He shall take us to Neverland!

[screams in agony] Neverland?

-[grunts] -[pants] I say, can you really fly?

-Look!

-[both gasp] -Oh, my, how do you do it?

-It's simple.

You just need your happiest thoughts and a little bit of fairy dust.

-[twinkly music] -Fairy dust?

How delightful!

Are we all ready to fly?

Just think of a lovely, wonderful thought and it will lift you into the air.

One.

[all] Two, three!

[all shriek] [audience laugh, applaud] We're flying!

I feel light as air!

-[headphones beep] -Whee!

It's time to go.

Follow me to the window!

Come on, Tink!

Second to the right and straight on till morning!

Here we go!

Uh.

No.

Whoa!

[strains, grunts] Onward-- No, no!

[screams, grunts] Come on, boys!

Just believe and you can fly!

[shrieks] See?

It's easy when you know how!

-[grunts] -Try to keep up if you can!

[Wendy] Peter, I'm coming!

-Oh, no, don't!

-[Wendy] Oh!

Oh!

Don't, don't!

-No, no, no!

No!

-[Wendy shrieks] -[Peter] Don't!

-[shrieks] -Don't, don't!

No!

-Oh!

[shrieks] [Wendy] No!

Goodness, no!

No!

-Get me down!

-[Wendy] Peter!

Wait for me!

[all] Neverland!

Here we come!

[applaud] And, so, we arrive in the forests of Neverland... a world of infinite wonders.

So, as Peter flies with Wendy and the fairy Tink draws near, our tale shall continue and I shall disappear!

[twinkly music plays] -[loud bang] -Oh!

[audience laugh, applaud] Wendy, look!

We're here.

Hello, Tootles!

[whimpers] [continues whimpering] Lucy, you are doing this!

P-- P-- -Peter!

-[stammers] I have-- -I have to-- to-- to tell-- -I have to tell you something.

Oh, yes?

What is it you have to tell us, Tootles?

[stammers] Captain Hook has kidnapped Tiger Lily!

He has?

Then we must rescue her.

She is our friend, after all.

Tink, go and find where they've taken her!

[twinkly music playing] [audience laugh] [stammers] Peter.

Peter!

-Oh, for God's sake!

-[branch creaking] [screams] Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

[sobbing] Well, erm, thank you, Tootles.

[panpipe starts playing] Oh, Peter!

You play beautifully.

-[pirates groaning in distance] -Pirates!

-Quickly, into the hideout!

-[pirates laugh] [groans] [groans, laughs evilly] [shrieks] -[white noise] -[testcard tone playing] -[white noise] -[testcard tone playing] [laughs evilly] The glorious sound of a deserted forest.

[car horn honking] A cab.

-[headphones beeping] -Captain!

We shall find the Lost Boys at-- [radio distorting] You're listening to BBC Radio 3!

That was the Violin Concerto in E minor by Johann Bach.

We'll find the Lost Boys at the Mermaid's Lagoon.

You may be right, Smee.

I'm loving angels instead And through it all -Thank you, Mr. Smee!

-[Smee] No!

But most of all, I want Peter Pan!

For he cut off my arm, Starkey!

[in unintelligible pirate voice] Disgraceful!

He has no manners, Cap'n.

Don't you agree, Percy?

[parrot] Disgraceful.

I do agree, Starkey!

Ay, Percy knows how it is.

[laughs] Exactly.

Pan flung my arm to a crocodile that happened to be passing by.

[audience laugh] Followed you around ever since, Captain Hook.

That he has, Smee!

That he has!

By lucky chance it swallowed a clock, Cap'n.

So, before it can reach you, you hear the tick-tock and bolt.

What are you doing with your pistol out, Mr. Smee?

I wouldn't want to be caught unawares, Cap'n.

Put that thing away, Smee, or I'll strike you down with my hook.

No!

Put that thing away, Smee, or I'll strike you down with my hook!

I'm Hook.

You're Smee!

-I'm John.

-You're Smee!

But soon I shall have the foolish boy within my grasp.

Ah, revenge is a grand thing.

[man] Oh, no, it isn't!

[audience laugh] Yes, it is.

-[audience] Oh, no, it isn't!

-Oh, yes, it is.

-[audience] Oh, no, it isn't!

-Yes, it is!

-[audience] Oh, no, it isn't!

-Yes, it is!

Yes, it is!

Yes, it is!

It is!

Yes, it is!

Of course it is!

This is not a pantomime.

-[audience] Oh, yes, it is!

-No, it isn't!

Shut up!

-[man] Boo!

-Don't boo me!

[audience] Boo!

How would you like it if I booed you?

Boo!

Boo!

Boo!

It's not nice, is it?

But hold, men.

What's this?

[car horn honking] A cab!

-Oh, no, it isn't.

-[Hook] Yes, it is!

Yes, it is!

I don't know why it is, but it is!

-Also, there's this.

-[Smee growls] Something strange!

Smoke coming out of this tree stump.

[pirates growl] [groans] [all groan] A chimney, Cap'n?

Listen, men, 'tis plain Pan and the Lost Boys live here, among the trees and underneath the ground.

-[pirate mutters unintelligibly] -[pirates coughing] [Hook] You see these tracks down to the shore, men?

[Tiger Lily] Aye, Cap'n, I see it clear as day!

[Hook] Follow them back to the Jolly Roger.

Row Tiger Lily to the lagoon, put her out on Marooner's Rock and nab Pan-- -[Hook grunts] -[man] Sorry.

I'm so sorry.

[Hook] Get off!

Go!

Go!

Go!

Just get out of here!

Ah!

Avast belay, when I appear, by fear they're overtook.

Nought's left upon your bones when you've shaken claws with Hook!

There!

[audience applaud] [twinkly music plays] And, so, the dastardly pirates set off with evil intent.

What is this place?

This is Marooner's Rock.

Tink said that the pirates will be bringing Tiger Lily here.

[pirates in distance] Yo, ho!

Yo, ho!

Here they come.

Hide!

A merry hour, a hempen rope And a hey for Davey Jones!

[all laugh] Oh, 'tis good to be upon the water, me lubbers.

Now we must follow the Captain's orders and, er... and hoist Tiger Lily onto the rock and leave her there to drown.

-[growls] -[Smee grunts] -[Starkey growls] -[Smee growls] Any last words, Tiger Lily?

[audience laugh] These words shan't be my last, as Peter Pan shall save me.

This is a terrible show... of cowardice, Tiger Lily-- We thought you'd put up more of a fight.

Brave men do not sneak up on defenseless girls.

You are true cowards.

You can't act... in this way when the Cap'n arrives.

You have a sharp tongue now, but you shall tremble at the sight of Hook's impressive arse... senal of weapons back aboard the Jolly Roger.

Poor Tiger Lily.

Help her, Peter.

Of course I shall.

I'll impersonate Hook!

Watch.

[imitates Hook] Ahoy, there, you lubbers!

'Tis the Cap'n.

He must be rowing out to us!

Just putting Tiger Lily onto the rock, Cap'n!

[imitates Hook] Release her, you blithering imbeciles!

Cut her free!

Aye, Cap'n.

I'll cut her free.

[laughs, growls] -[sword clatters on the ground] -[Starkey chuckles softly] [audience laugh] [in unintelligibly pirate voice] Why don't you cut her free?

I don't know what you're saying.

Just give me the swo-ord.

What is a swo-ord?

You just saw me drop it on the floor!

What are you talking about?

I lost the sword in the mud... and now I need you to find it!

How can you not understand?

No!

Not that!

The sword!

No!

[in unintelligible pirate voice] Why would I want your hat?

Huh?

Hat!

I'm already wearing a hat!

Everybody understood... except for you!

Everybody!

Now, just get the-- [groans] [growls] She's free, Cap'n.

[audience laugh, applaud] But, Starkey, the Cap'n seems kind of out of sorts.

Nonsense.

Here he comes, rowing out to us now.

[man] Action!

[audience laugh] Where's Tiger Lily?

We let her go!

Let her go?

'Twas your orders, Cap'n!

You blundering blockheads, I said no such thing!

[officer blowing whistle] Only pedalos on the lake!

Cap'n, if you didn't give the orders, who did?

Perhaps, it be the dark spirit that haunts this here lagoon, Starkey.

[officer blowing whistle] -Six o'clock, park's closed!

-Oh, come on!

Spirit, Cap'n?

[audience laugh] Legend says this lagoon is haunted by the ghosts of drowned sailors.

Oh.

Hello.

Chris!

[Starkey gasps] Step ashore, Cap'n.

I shall.

[grunts] Spirit!

Dost hear me?

[imitates Hook] I hear you!

Who are you, stranger?

Speak!

[imitates Hook] I am James Hook!

-Captain of the Jolly Roger!

-Oh, no, you are not!

-Oh, yes, he-- -[Hook] No, he's not!

He's not!

-[clock ticking] -What's that noise, Cap'n?

A ticking clock.

'Tis the crocodile!

[growls] [all shriek] Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap.

Spirit!

If you are Hook, then who am I?

[imitates Hook] A codfish!

[Robert over recorder] Cut.

And that will do.

We are done for the day.

[Hook over recorder] Robert, Robert-- Robert, I-- I wanted to talk to you about something.

[Robert] What?

[Hook] It's about Jonathan and Sandra.

[Robert laughs] [Hook] He's playing Peter Pan and she's playing Wendy.

They shouldn't be sleeping together.

[Robert] He's supposed to be the boy who wouldn't grow up, not the boy who couldn't keep it in his pants.

And she's just as bad!

Flirting with everybody!

It's no wonder that Max is obsessed with her.

[Robert] Yes, that's why he wanted to play Peter.

-[Hook] To get closer to her.

-[Robert] But Max can't act!

He's terrible as Michael and the crocodile.

He's playing it like a mammal!

[Hook] I know, Robert, -but we need his aunt.

-[Robert] Oh.

[Hook] She runs the BBC.

It's the only reason he's here.

[Robert] Yeah.

Mm.

Mm.

-What a loser.

[laughs] -[Hook] Yeah.

-Oh, left the microphone on!

-[Robert] Oh.

[recorder stops playing] [audience] Aw!

-'Tis Peter Pan!

Ah!

-'Tis I!

[both grunt] Vainglorious boy!

I shall split your bones with my hook!

[swords clashing] Oh!

Ha, ha!

Nothing ever hurts me!

I'm Peter Pan!

And I-- Oh, no-- no!

Don't!

Stop!

-[Tiger Lily] Come on!

-Pull him down!

Come on!

You shall die by my blade, Pan!

[Peter] To die would be an awfully big advent-- -[rope snapping] -[Peter shrieks] [Tiger Lily screams] [audience laugh] [David] What's happened?

[Starkey] Just fell out of the thing.

-What?

-[Starkey] I fell out.

-Just keep it going.

-[David] What?

Keep it going!

Keep it going!

Erm.

I'm terribly sorry... ladies and gentlemen, but we seem to have a slight difficulty here.

Erm.

Many of you may have noticed that Peter Pan... took a rather nasty unrehearsed fall there.

Obviously, he wasn't thinking his happy thoughts.

[audience laugh] [Hook] Quickly!

Bring him through!

-[paramedic grunts] -He's lost so much blood.

Anyhow, I'm sure Peter Pan's injuries will be... less severe than those sustained in a production of Oliver!, the musical in which I appeared many years ago now.

In the number... "Boy for Sale"... Yeah?

Boy, boy for sale [audience laugh] ...our overenthusiastic Mr. Bumble... tripped backwards onto one of the frailer workhouse children... crushing him.

See, regrettably, my car was parked in the ambulance bay and that prevented the paramedics from getting to the poor child, and very sadly... he passed away.

And I-- [audience laugh] I can't help but feel partially responsible for this tragic event, because it was, as I say, it was my car that stopped... medical aid getting to the poor child.

But also because... [audience laugh] I was playing Mr. Bumble.

[audience laugh] Anyway, I think we're ready to begin again.

[twinkly music plays] So, back to Neverland!

I hear this evening's meal is imaginary.

So, it can be anything you want it to be.

[all] Anything?

Anything.

You can have steak or salami You can have chestnuts Or cheese The only thing to remember - Is the magic word -[all] What?

Please So, I can have anything I can think of?

Of course!

I could have lobster Or lettuce You could have pastry Or pies I could have dumplings Or damsons -[headphones beep] - Your taxi has arrived [all] Give and take Then we can make Whatever we can conceive With faith and trust And fairy dust And the world Of make-believe -Wendy, where's Peter?

-This is Neverland, Michael.

He could be anywhere you want him to be.

He could be Fighting a pirate - Or chasing a wasp -Ow!

He could be riding a star Impossible!

Of course I could be A steam-engine driver Or a sailor at sea You could be a prince Fighting dragons -[headphones beep] - Cut to camera three I'll be the warrior Winning the war I'll be a lawyer Learning the law I'll be a pastor Protecting the poor -[headphones beep] - Teletubbies!

Teletubbies!

-[grunts in agony] -[all] We can change them We can make Whatever we can conceive With faith and trust And fairy dust With sticks and stones And bags of bones With ups and downs And all arounds With hops and skips And broken bits [slow blues music playing] [groans] Wow!

With faith and trust And fairy dust And a world of make-believe And a world of make-believe -[shrieks] -[thuds] [audience applaud] I wish we could stay here forever.

Michael, you must not forget that we have a mother and father waiting for us back at home.

Oh, I hear Peter outside.

Quickly, all of you, you know how he likes you to meet him at the door!

Peter enters.

-Peter, you're back!

-Any adventures, Peter?

I battled with two tigers and a dozen pirates.

How exciting, Peter!

I-- I-- I love adventures, Wendy!

Peter flies around the room, showboating and full of mirth.

[Peter grunts] Stop it!

Stop!

No, no, no, stop!

-[Peter grunting] -[Wendy shrieks] Gently.

Careful, careful, careful!

No, no, no, no, stop!

No!

Oh, Peter!

-No one flies better than you!

-[Peter chuckling] I-- I-- I shall tell you my tale.

Peter lands nimbly.

Oh, no!

[thuds] [audience laugh] This all sounds wonderful, but first you must have your dinner.

Um.

Um.

P-- Peter begins to eat Tinker Bell... [audience laugh] ...erm, seems most unhappy Wendy.

Perhaps she is angry with me.

Fairies have-- -Fai-- Fairies-- -[John] Look-- Look-- Fa-- Fairies have-- No!

No!

Help me!

Fairies have to be one thing, or the other, because being so small, they have room for only one feeling at a time.

Ah.

I fear she is jealous of me.

Oh.

[grunts] Nothing ever hurts me, I'm Peter Pan!

[audience laugh] And Peter flies up onto the table.

[audience laugh] [breathes sharply] To die would be an awfully big-- [all gasp] [audience laugh, applaud] -[headphones beep] -Not you, Dennis!

Walk away!

[audience laugh, applaud] [audience cheer] [audience cheer] When you die, you fly over the waters and the stars guide your way.

Oh, Peter.

I do so love adventures, Wendy.

[chuckles softly] [David over recorder] Sound cue recording 21.

Panpipes.

Take one.

-[blows air] -[door opening over recorder] [David over recorder] Oh, hello, Max.

[Max over recorder] Sorry, I-- I just wanted to ask about Peter Pan again.

[David] Max, we have been over this.

You're playing Michael Darling and the crocodile.

[Max] But no-one likes the crocodile and Peter gets to do all the fun stuff.

[David] Like kissing Sandra?

Remember she's in a relationship-- [Max] I think I'm in love with Sandra.

She's my soul mate.

[David] Max, I need to finish recording the panpipes.

[Max] Sorry.

[door shuts over recorder] [David] Note.

Don't use take one.

[recorder stops playing] [blows awkwardly] [grunts] [audience laugh] [twinkly music plays] [audience laugh, applaud] Meanwhile, Wendy began to understand it was time for her, John and Michael to fly home from Neverland.

Peter, if you would come back with me, I'm sure my mother and father would adopt you.

No, Wendy.

I flew home once to see my mother and I found that the windows were barred and she'd forgotten all about me and there was another little boy asleep in my bed.

In that case, I must leave at once.

And you must kiss me goodbye, Peter.

[audience exclaiming] Oh, Peter, I meant a real kiss.

A-- A real kiss?

Don't you know what a real kiss is?

No-- No.

I-- I do not.

Then I will show you.

[audience laugh] [audience] Aw.

-This is a real kiss?

-Yes, Peter.

A real kiss.

[audience exclaiming] It's time for you to go now.

No fuss, no blubbering.

I hope your mother's happy to see you all again.

Be careful you don't run into pirates.

Or that crocodile.

That nobody likes.

[audience groan] But little did Peter, Wendy or the Lost Boys know that Hook lurked among the trees!

And his men kidnapped the children.

[audience] Boo!

Oh, grow up!

[[audience laugh]] With them all captured... Hook crept into the clearing.

And with stealth, cunning, guile and craft, he added poison to the medicine draught.

-[audience] Boo!

-Now... where is Peter Pan?

[audience] He's behind you!

[audience laugh] Where is Peter Pan?

-[audience] He's behind you!

-I know!

I know!

I know he's behind me!

I directed the show!

I told him to go there!

You have to let me find him!

Idiots!

Where is-- Oh, there he is.

Medicine... poison.

[laughs evilly] [audience] Boo!

[audience laugh] [man] Hurry up!

[audience laugh] Ah.

Ah.

[audience laugh] [scoffs] [man] You need a hand!

No, I do not need a hand!

-[man] Oh, yes, you... -No, I don't!

[audience laugh, applaud] Shut up!

What is wrong with you people?

This is a serious play!

-[audience] Oh, no, it isn't!

-Yes, it is!

You're ruining it!

-[man] Oh, no, we aren't!

-Yes, you are!

Let me do it!

[audience] Ooh.

-[sighs] -[audience] Yay!

[audience cheer, applaud] [grunts in frustration] [grunts] [audience] Boo!

Shut up!

[groans] God!

[grunts in frustration] [sighs] Oh, Wendy?

Ah, Tink!

Tinker Bell?

What's the matter?

Wendy and The Boys captured by pirates?

I'll rescue her.

Where's my dagger?

Oh!

That?

That's just my medicine.

Poisoned?

Who could have poisoned it?

I promised I would drink it and I will!

-[gasps] -[audience] No!

No, Tinker Bell!

Stop it!

That's my medicine, not yours!

-It's for Peter Pan... -No!

-not for Tinker Bell, the fairy.

-No!

-Stop twinkling, Tinker Bell.

-[electrical buzzing] -[grunts] -Tinker Bell-- [generator powers switches off] [Chris whispering] Annie?

-[Chris] Ann-- -[generator powers switches on] [audience laugh] Tink?

Tinker Bell?

[in deep voice] Tinker Bell?

Tinky-- Tink, are you all right?

Tinker Bell?

Tinker B-- Annie?

Annie?

Annie?

Chris?

Chris?

Chris?

Chris!

On her back.

Put her on her back.

Watch her wings, watch her wings.

Watch her wings.

She spilt this.

For God's sake.

-Electrocuted?

-Shh!

Shoo!

Shoo!

Who's the first aider?

Who's the first aider?

[audience laugh] She's the first aider.

[audience laugh] [overlapping conversation] David!

David!

-What?

-Call an ambulance... and move your car.

[audience laugh, cheer] -David, do something to cover.

-What?

You're the professional.

Cover!

[audience laugh] [audience applaud, cheer] [as Poirot] Mesdames et messieurs... it is not very usual... for Poirot to be so near to the catastrophe.

Thank you, David.

Get off.

[audience laugh] We have to b... -believe in fairies!

-Not now, Lucy.

This is serious!

[grunts] I... -b-- b-- believe in fairies!

-Grow up, Lucy!

[both] I-- [all] b-- believe in fairies!

What are you doing?

Please?

[all] I-- b-- b-- believe in fairies!

Settle down, plea-- [audience] I believe in fairies!

[all] I believe in fairies!

I believe in fairies!

I believe in fairies!

I believe in fairies!

[all cheer] Positions!

Yes!

Yes, yes!

Thank you!

Thank you!

You-- You saved Tinker Bell!

[pants] And now to rescue Wendy.

Come on, Tink, to the pirate ship!

It's Hook or me this time!

Yo, ho!

Yo, ho!

Yo, ho, the pirate life The flag of skull and bones A merry hour, a hempen rope And a hey for Davey Jones!

[pirates laugh, groan] What's going on?

A ho, hey, ho - a pirating we... -Keep going.

Keep going!

And if we're parted By a shot Stop the revolve.

We're sure to meet below... Stop the revolve!

-[overlapping conversation] -[singing continues] [audience laugh] You look great, you look great.

You look beautiful!

A-sailing on the seven seas What better life is there?

[audience cheer] And any honest Jack or John Had better best beware!

Had better best beware!

Yo, ho, the pirate life The flag of skull and bones A merry hour, a hempen rope And a hey for Davy Jones!

-[pirates laugh] -Come on!

For God's sake, I'm doing something!

[Hook] Shut up!

Be quiet!

-[clamoring] -[singing continues] Stop taping it down!

It's not going to make a difference!

-What are you doing?

-[Hook] Trevor, use the anchor!

My God... Give it back to me.

Give me back the tape.

Sandra, no, no, no, no!

You don't understand.

No, don't-- [Peter grunts] -I don't know what happened.

-Look, just let me explain.

Sandra, she came on to me!

She came on to me!

Sandra!

Sandra!

You're the one with the girlfriend!

And a hey for Davy Jones!

[all] Yeah!

[audience applaud] How still the night is.

Nothing sounds alive.

[car horn honking] A cab!

Why is there a cab in this scene?

Revenge will soon be mine.

Save us, Peter!

Quiet, you dogs, or I'll cast anchor in you!

-Now, will you join my crew... -[Starkey laughs evilly] ...or die in the light of the full moon?

-[all groan] -[moon thumps] [audience laugh] We shall none of us ever be pirates.

-Is that so, my dear?

-[Starkey laughs evilly] It'll be the plank for you, then.

[laughs] -Hey, Smee... -[headphones beeping] Dennis, you're wearing the wrong costume.

Get the plank ready, Mr. Cecco!

Bring the first prisoner to the plank, Mr. Starkey.

-Aye, Cap'n.

-Oh, be brave, Tootles!

[groans] Tootles, Cap'n?

-Tootles.

-[groans, laughs] [overlapping conversations] There's none can save him now.

-[laughs evilly, gasps] -[Peter] There's one!

'Tis I!

Peter Pan the avenger!

-I'll save you, Tootles!

-[screams] [audience laugh] Pan!

Peter!

-Snap.

Snap.

Snap... -Hook, the crocodile is here!

He knows your end is near.

[audience cheer] Snap!

Snap!

Snap!

Snap!

Snap!

Snap!

Surround them!

This one's mine!

Dark and sinister man, have at thee!

Hyah!

Not again!

Get back here, Pan!

Where are you going?

Stay and fight!

[Peter] Argh!

Whoa!

[both grunt] Oh, my God!

-Fire!

-[Hook] Stop panicking!

Snap, snap, snap!

Snap, snap, snap!

Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap!

Good God, no, no, no, no!

[screams] What are you doing?

This is my job.

-This is mine!

My job!

-[screams] Happy Christmas, mate!

Careful, careful, careful!

[screams] [all scream] [audience groan] [screams] Eggheads, what is the term given to a person or group illegally distributing copyright material for personal profit?

[all confer] -Pirates.

-[loud crash] [all scream] [BBC theme tune playing] The BBC has confirmed the cancellation of its Community Choice Project.

[loud crash] [both giggle] Look out!

Look out!

[screams] [all scream] [audience laugh, applaud] -You-- You saved me!

-[Max grunting] Peter... you saved all of us.

You're a hero.

But I'm not Peter.

I'm the crocodile.

[audience cheer] [Po giggles] [coughs, splutters] [grunts] [grunts softly] [giggles] [audience laugh] [Po giggles] Oh, for God's sake!

"Thus... perished James Hook and his crew, devoured by the crocodile."

Snap, snap, snap!

"Wendy, of course, had stood, taking no part in the fight, though now she watched her hero with glistening eyes and when he slept that night she held him tight."

[audience cheer] "And now, sadly, it is time to bring an end to our tale, for we must leave Neverland, Peter and Tinker Bell..." [grunts, snaps fingers] "...and return to that home from which three of our characters had taken flight so long ago."

"Liza sat by the window and, on seeing the children, ran to fetch Mrs.

Darling."

[audience laugh] "Wendy, John and... the crocodile... found the window open."

"Mr.

Darling came rushing in from the yard to celebrate the homecoming of his dear ones."

"There could not have been a lovelier sight."

"But there was none there to see it... except for a strange boy, who was sitting at the window."

-[screams] -[loud crash] "The children, Mr. and Mrs.

Darling... -and the crocodile..." -Snap!

[audience cheer] "...stood together, united in their new-found bliss."

"And perhaps, it was at this moment they all realized... that to live would be an awfully big adventure."

[audience cheer, applaud] A bow together.

Three, two, one.

With give and take Then we can make Whatever we can conceive With faith and trust And fairy dust And the world Of make-believe And the world Of make-believe!

[audience cheer, applaud] [Po giggles]