Our Time

[foreboding piano] Since the Covid pandemic, few groups have been impacted more by mental health than teenagers.

This obstacles this generation - Leaders across the country have called it the urgent public health crisis of this generation. Coming up on Our Time... Ellie White recounts a life-threatening eating disorder And the courage it took to tell her friends and family.

And then... Alexzander Welty unveils the obsessional behaviors that have shadowed him since childhood.

Teen mental health: Next, on Our Time.

[laughter] [upbeat music] Why dont people understand me?

Im tired of running so fast.

I want to be heard.

Why are people afraid?

Im ready for change.

I hear you.

I see you.

My time... - My time... OUR time is now.

Major funding for this program is provided by: The Lindsay-Brisbin Family Fund The Lindsay-Brisbin Family Fund The Russell Grinnell Memorial Trust Steve and Mary Anne Walldorf Betsy and Warren Dean and the H. Chase Stone Charitable Trust.

Additional funding is provided by: Additional funding is provided by: Diversus Health Arts in Society Think 360 Arts for Learning The Joseph Henry Edmondson Foundation The Bee Vradenburg Foundation and the CALM Foundation.

[flag flapping] - We were content with the glow of fireflies.

Summer meant tank tops and pool days and cold treats and freedom.

Freedom!

Like the cool, crisp feeling of freshly washed sheets on bare skin... or the satisfying aftertaste of an ice cream cone.

Cold, smooth, sweet.

But it's different now.

My ice cream tastes bad.

Lingering.

It tastes like guilt.

Like embarrassment.

Like shame.

It's not real, right?

It's not real.

- Why did I even order this?

- I dont want this.

- I am even hungry?

- Everyones looking at me.

- I DONT want this.

- This was a mistake.

- What do I do?

- That's too many calories.

[overlapping, competing voices] Im SO hungry... - Hello and welcome to Morning News.

- My sister and I would make movies.

We loved to create our own stories, our own characters.

We would spend hours editing.

Hello, yes, police?

-It was nice to have a break from reality.

Be someone else and feel their feelings.

And live through their storyline.

- Youre driven to a level that not a lot of kids are.

Like the thought of compromising on anything was not in your DNA.

- Nice!

I'm really into school, I like school.

I definitely consider myself a perfectionist.

I also think you're a leader.

I think you have, a following of friends and other people that look up to you and admire you and trust your opinion.

- So...Oh!

Your hair just went in my mouth!

- Julia is... My twin.

-I was like, oh my God, did I go to elementary school with her?

- But, no!

- It was so mysterious... Because it was like I knew your face.

- Yeah, and also we both have Asian moms.

Audreys a person that I really rely on.

I remember the first time I met you... at All American Volleyball camp!

We've always been there for each other pretty much.

And it's been very sisterly.

I played competitive tennis growing up.

And I feel like I learned a lot about myself Because it's just you against another player, and they're on the other side of the net.

What I've learned is that I place a lot of my worth... on seeing something pay off.

- You were good at tennis.

Those tournaments were hard.

You usually one won and lost one and won one.

Lost one.

Yeah.

You were super hard on yourself.

You would pound on your leg.

As like a, ummm I dont know what it was... A coping mechanism or a thing.

And, you know, the next day your leg would be blue.

It was hard for you.

And I think so many the things came easy to you in my life... When tennis went bad and didnt I think you didnt know how to handle it.

[tense/sad piano] - I felt like I needed one more thing to be good at.

And that was being thin.

And that was being thin.

I started paying more attention to what I look like and my body.

And controlling my eating.

I was body-checking a lot.

Weighing myself a lot.

Feeling like I had to be in control of everything that I was putting in my body.

And I didn't have to face it in the beginning because no one knew.

Does that look weird?

So I've had this for about six months.

And you write: What I'm grateful for 3 things.

What would make today great?

And then a daily affirmation.

And then at then at night you write highlights of the day.

And then What did I learn today? It's like my recovery journal.

Like January 9th... What did I learn today? Judging yourself gets you nowhere. Okay.

That's a good thing to learn.

I don't have to be so self-deprecating... ...for people to like me. Okay, but January 24th.

What did I learn today? I feel like I hate myself. [tense music] I still have a raging eating disorder and I don't think I'll ever be happy.

I was thinking about food all the time.

A lot of it was to keep myself from being hungry.

While starving myself essentially.

I would feel so tired and so low energy I couldn't even walk.

I didn't even want to get up from where I was.

It made it really hard to concentrate, really hard to do the activities used to love.

I was so deep into it that I didn't feel like I could get out.

There were points where I felt suicidal.

Like I didn't feel like life was worth living, and I didn't feel like the life that I was leading was worth living.

- We would go to your counselor and she just kept on saying, It's not going to be linear. It's not going to be straightforward. It's not going to be logical.

It's not going to be... I'm just like, all of those things are like like what I thrive in.

I don't know, I felt Foreign.

The best thing I can give you is just strength.

And so knowing that I cant fix anything, knowing that I can't Make it better for you.

I just try to give you fuel.

- When I say things like Youre going to change the world... Or, Silence is complicit. I mean, I'm thinking of all of these things that have been core things that we But that's a lot of pressure, too.

It took a toll, I think.

And I'm sorry for that.

I... ...like to make you happy and I like to see you proud.

But it wasn't like that.

I hate to say it, it wasn't about you.

[laughter] Whether it be getting good grades, whether it be playing tennis at a high level... Yeah?

It was all driven by me.

There were a lot of times when I was crying in my room, and then you and mom would walk in.

when mom goes in there, I know why [laughs].

You know, you guys have a mom-daughter thing.

And sometimes that just needs to happen.

And so I would come in because I couldn't, not anymore.

I was like, okay, I need to, I need to... It was selfish, actually, I dont think so.

It felt it...a little bit.

But... - Like, you would hug me so much more.

And I cant tell you how much that actually helped me.

You know why I did that?

Why?

- I didn't know what else to do.

It's all I could do.

I really noticed and it really helped.

- You know my friends.

Yeah, yeah.

Exposing that side of myself to them... - Mhmm.

Is scary.

- Yeah.

I mean, youre making yourself really vulnerable.

But it's so courageous to do that.

You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you, and you're doing it for you for your own reasons.

Do you ever feel nervous to talk about your mental health?

I think with my friends, it's really just about like picking who you talk about that too.

Because like, I have definitely a few close friends who like, I feel safe around.

Like you.

Yeah?

When you can be in an environment with people that make you feel so safe you're able to talk about your mental health.

I'm actually really nervous right now because I've really been struggling with my mental health this past year.

Oh.

- Specifically with an eating disorder.

Mhmm.

Im struggling with an eating disorder.. for all of junior year and then kind of half of sophmore year.

- Mhmm.

I just have been embarrassed to tell you.

Im so glad you told me.

Well, I... you are like, one of like you are like one of my people, like, forever and always.

And I don't want you ever to feel embarrassed I have had a lot of experience... with people with eating disorders.

- Mhmm.

And I could notice with you a little bit.

Really?

- Just because of, like, growing up and dance.

- Mhmm.

And having that be so common.

- Mhmm.

- I probably struggled with some of the same stuff without realizing it.

- I am six months into recovery.

And I really committed to recovery in, like, January.

Oh, my gosh, so proud of you.

- Thank you.

So you've come a long way.

- Ive come a long way.

- Its sad for me to think you were going through it alone.

Im just really, really proud of you for, like, sharing it and also for getting the help that you need.

Like that's huge and it's really difficult.

And I just I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

In some ways I feel closer to them now just because they know something that I was sheltering for a really long time.

I felt so supported and so loved and so cared for, and I felt so much hope that I hadn't felt in a really long time.

- Okay, so try the juice first.

- Oh, try the juice first?

Yeah, just have a little sip.

- In some ways, letting people in... makes you more in touch with yourself.

I think it's safe to say that this is part of my identity, and it probably will always be.

But I'm really happy with how far I've come.

Yeah.

Well hopefully I gave you something you can use.

Yeah.

Well hopefully I gave you something you can use.

[laughter] Finally...finally... the aftertaste of my ice cream cone becomes what it is, what it always was.

Cold, smooth, sweet.

The Youth Documentary Academy empowers young filmmakers to identify and craft their own stories through intensive training and mentorship in the art of documentary film.

[giant splash] [underwater drone] Did I leave the stove on?

Why did I look at that kid?

What if I lose control?

What if this contaminates me?

God, I'm a disgusting human being... Am I a danger to other people?

- Did I offend someone?

Did I just look at that animal like that?

Did I look at that woman weird?

I have to stay away from them.

What if I accidentally touched someone?

What if I caused a disaster?

God, I'm a horrible person.

It's like swimming the ocean, It's like something grabbing your leg and pulling you under and you don't even know what it is.

not being able to hear or see or move.

And once you hit rock bottom, it's literally the most difficult thing to get out of it.

At some point... All of my daily thoughts are going to be interrupted by like this gross, sick creature.

And the first thing that pops to your mind is... these thoughts are real, when they're not.

I used to be this fun... silly, stupid little kid running around that would just be able to go to literally anyone in the grocery store.

I remember, I mean, those neighborhood kids would always climb on everything, roll down those hills.

[children laughing] Sitting on the grass... with my dad, drinking like for Yoo-hoos in a row It's hard to remember all that stuff And no matter what, there's no way to go back there.

I was in first grade, the day I literally got major tonsil surgery and stuff like that.

As soon as they put that needle in my arm, I freaked out so bad.

That was one of the first instances, it just started flooding.

Horrible, horrible thoughts.

Literally imagining myself just laying there completely rotting and dead.

- We got called to the school, and, you didn't like something, so you were taking a pair of scissors, and you cut the blinds, you just wouldn't calm down.

And so the school freaked out.

If you want your son to come back, you need to take him and have him evaluated.

You went for evaluation, and that was the most devastating thing.

Looking through the glass, seeing you on the other side and not being able to touch you or talk to you.

And the expression on your face.

The things that I've seen you struggle with at night... crying and thinking that you're... this person that does horrible things.

Can't tell you, Alex, get that out of your head.

I have to be able to work with you on it.

These thoughts keep me so awake at night.

I'll literally be up at 4:30 in the morning.

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't function.

When you have like this sickness, it's hard to believe that you're not going to be called crazy or someone's going to be like, you're just imagining it, it's just normal, or something like that.

I never talked about it until now When I first heard the term OCD I didn't realize really what it meant.

And I thought it was just you wash your hands over and over and over because you like washing your hands.

I was with my grandparents and I accidentally made eye contact with this kid.

And the first thought that popped into my mind was, Why are you staring at a kid? Does that make you a predator or something?

And I freaked out.

I got so sick to my stomach... I threw up twice.

My throat hurts so bad.

I was shaky, I had that constant thing of... Am I a danger to these people? To the point where, I couldn't bring myself to go to a store anymore.

In that moment, I felt so alone.

The hardest part was, you figuring out that, the hunting knives were gone.

I was planning on hurting myself.

That was like the freak out moment.

- My heart just sunk.

Yeah, I mean... my own son wanted to [deep exhale] My dad... The first thing he does is: I'm going to get you a therapist today. Hey, hi!

- Okay, now its going to work.

Okay, there we go.

Okay, cool.

- Okay.

What is your educational background in treating OCD?

So, I have my master's in clinical social work, and then 3 years of more, online training, supervisioned exams, And so I've been treating it for about eight years now.

– That was the second question: How long have you been doing that? So do you think you could describe like the experience in actually treating patients with OCD?

Its mixed, right?

Because a lot of times people are really struggling.

So they will come in with a lot of anxiety and urgency and like really wanting to get a lot of relief.

But also overall, it's really rewarding work because there is such, like an effective treatment, for OCD called exposure response prevention.

We are about to go to my archenemy: the grocery store.

Me and my therapist talked about exposing yourself to those fears.

This is the one aisle no ones in... There's a shopping cart about to approach.

There's someone right there.

I'm not going over there.

I want the Clearly Canadian, but I don't want to go near that dude.

Okay.

Why is there so many different kinds of peanut butter if it's just peanuts?

I'm afraid that someone's going to watch this and be like, Oh, I think he's exaggerating. This can't be what he's actually thinking about.

This IS what I'm thinking about.

What I'm saying, you're only hearing half of the thoughts that I'm actually envisioning because I'm trying to see what's in my brain like I'm trying to say it, and I hear a shopping cart going that way, and it's prefer it's coming closer... Theres someone down that aisle right there.

There's someone coming down that Okay, okay, I'm going to talk while I'm acting... like I'm shopping for crackers.

Only I don't I don't eat crackers Oh my God, thats the same lady.

Same lady, same lady that was looking at the cameras before.

Oh he looked at me.

Oh he looked at me.

I've been stuck in this aisle for like four minutes.

I'm dehydrated and that could have affectedmy vocal cords.

And I don't have my inhaler with me, so... [deep exhale] I can't use a normal checkout; I NEED a self-check Ooh, there's a lady right there There's an open one?

Your card has been accepted.

Please wait.

System processesing... Oh, man, major Superman moment right there!

[laughing] Yeah, I wear gloves cause I dont like the texture of things touching my hands cause then I cant touch the pressure-points in between my fingers.

We both dont like touching that Whos going to do it?

- And see, this is where... he makes messes and I clean them up.

- When I found out that not just me, but my dad has OCD... I became so much more patient.

He literally just got diagnosed maybe a month ago, - It was the furthest thing from my mind.

And when you first brought it to me and all the reading that you did I was like, there's no way.

I sat there and thought about myself.

I'm like, wow, Do I do that? You know?

Is that me?

Am I going through this too?

And it turns out it was.

-Yeah.

You know, I'm coming to you I kept coming to you every like, two hours Holy cow!

Did you know that?

Did you know that?

You know?

You're like, Dad, I already know... You know, and I'm like, All right, well, Im helping myself, then.

Knowing that, you know, I walk in and a dish was left or there's crumbs on the counter.

There's an open container somewhere downstairs.

I don't want it to bother me.

It's definitely hard some days.

to see you vacuum the same spot on the carpet like seven times over because you can't... You feel like there's something still there and there's nothing there.

- I used to get frustrated at you because you... put all the light switches the same way at the the top and bottom of the steps.

And I go through it, and turn it the other way and you have it fit.

Come work it out, change the light switch.

You like to have them alternating.

You like to have one at the top and one facing that way and I like them both at the same way, So, its like we fight over the light switches.

If we would have realized early on if we would have the tools or I would have the tools or the knowledge or listened more, You know we could have worked through these things, So much easier.

You're doing good.

[upbeat music] And I don't know what the cat's doing.

She's just in her own world.

See, work together as a team.

And we got it done!

I feel like this film is just a great way for me to look back on this time in my life.

And also the support system that I had around me.

Telling vulnerable story and one that I was not always comfortable with sharing... This was really just a good way to get it out in a really authentic way.

- Kinda what inspired me to make the film was to spread awareness for other people who struggle with OCD every day.

And also, it was the biggest outlet I could imagine.

The filmmaking process was really healing, for me especially.

because at the time I wasn't doing too good.

And it was like, I actually have something to be proud of now that other people can look at and be like, wow, I struggle with the same thing.

My relationship with my dad has gotten so much better since the film, because now we have something to relate to more than we ever did.

Social media makes you feel like, oh, I can control how these people are perceiving me.

I can, curate my profile to be exactly how I want to be viewed.

Even if you're not underweight, even if you look sick, even if you don't feel sick enough, you still deserve to recover, and you still deserve to get help.

And tell people what's going on for you, even if it's scary.

Of course it's going to be scary.

But in the end, it's so worth it.

We gotta have open conversations It's like, how we even work as a society.

If we didn't have open conversations, we wouldn't understand each other, and we just caused so much conflict.

Major funding for this program is provided by: The Lindsay-Brisbin Family Fund The Lindsay-Brisbin Family Fund The Russell Grinnell Memorial Trust Steve and Mary Anne Walldorf Betsy and Warren Dean and the H. Chase Stone Charitable Trust.

Additional funding is provided by: Additional funding is provided by: Diversus Health Arts in Society Think 360 Arts for Learning The Joseph Henry Edmondson Foundation The Bee Vradenburg Foundation and the CALM Foundation.

For more information, addtiional recsources, or to watch Our Time films, please visit: www.youthdocumentary.org