Miriam and Alan: Lost in Scotland

(bright music) (Miriam) Turn here.

Ooh.

(Alan) See, that's where it's supposed to be, there.

(Miriam) I told you.

And I've never been there before, -I told you it was there.

-No, but you have an opinion about many things you don't know about it.

This is Miriam Margolyes.

I--I don't let knowledge cloud my judgement.

(Miriam) And this is Alan Cumming.

Good heavens.

(Alan) Now, Miss Miriam, please let me take you on a little... (Miriam) A wee tour.

We've decided it's time we both reconnected with our Scottish roots.

(Miriam) That's my haggis!

(Alan) Miriam is one of our best-loved actresses.

(Miriam bleating) And has lit up stage and screen over a 60-year career.

(Miriam) What do you think of that?

My Glaswegian father instilled in me a love of this great country.

I'm just a tart from the slums.

(laughs) Alan's an award-winning actor and performer.

(Alan) It's Saturday night on Broadway (Miriam) Who has had an amazing journey from Scottish soaps to Hollywood.

(Alan) That's showbiz.

I live in New York with my husband, Grant, but I was born and raised in Scotland.

Oh, this could be mine, Miriam, mine.

(Miriam) Well, I don't know about that.

Now at the grand old ages of 80 and 56... (gasps) (Alan) We're driving 'round the land of our fathers.

(lively music) These are cute.

I think we've got this.

(Miriam) I'll be showing Alan my Scottish bits.

I wish they could see that we'd come back.

(Alan) And I'll be showing Miriam mine.

Gird your loins, Miriam.

(Miriam) I am girded.

(Alan) Looking to our past... (Miriam) I feel emotional.

(Alan) This is freaking me out.

(Miriam) And experiencing new things.

Oh, no, I'm not doing this.

No, forget it.

No, I've had enough of this.

(arrow thuds, golf ball clatters) (Alan) Nailed it!

All whilst trying to keep our camper van on the road.

(Miriam) Is that Ben Nevis, that one there?

(Alan) Don't distract me, all right?

I'm panicking!

(Miriam) This is the turning here.

(Alan) Got it.

Oh, ...., sorry about that.

(Miriam) God help us.

(soft music) We're on the road again.

I'm gonna take my jumper off.

(Alan) Wow, don't threaten me with a good time.

Of course there's always a good time to be had with Miriam in the passenger seat.

On this leg, we'll visit the majestic mountains of the west coast and race up one of its peaks.

Miriam, I'll race you.

(laughing) (Miriam) Before motoring across country to meet a real live witch in the Highlands.

You're pretty original, darling with your tattoos.

(laughing) (Alan) And for me to introduce Miriam to a special Cumming family ritual.

(Miriam) I think I've got a suspension bra.

Then we'll wrap up the week with a world premiere of our new Gaelic song, with my own unique contribution.

(Alan) Go into a private place and record your boobs clattering together.

(twangy country music) And to kick off the week, my charming companion and I are heading along Scotland's beautiful west coast on the shores of Loch Broom.

(Miriam) Alan's looking for somewhere to retire and thinks this rugged and remote landscape could be just the place for him.

(Alan) I always imagine I will end my life as a sort of eccentric Scottish showbiz recluse on a loch-side mansion.

Maybe getting somewhere later on to die in.

(Miriam) Well, you're not gonna die yet.

Just live in it for a bit.

But everybody would love this.

-This is sheer gorgeousness.

-Stunning.

(soft music) As well as being a gateway to the Outer Hebrides, Ullapool has prospered as a fishing village for centuries.

And whereas New York, where I live now, has a population of over eight million, only around 1500 people call Ullapool home, so it could offer just the solitude I'm after.

(bright music) There is one major problem though.

-What?

-Midgies.

(Miriam) Oh, I've heard about them, I know.

Midges are biting, swarming little buggers of insects, and the Highlands are plagued with them at this time of the year.

They've no qualms about feeding on locals, tourists, or aging Hollywood stars.

(Alan) I don't react well with midgies.

20, 30 years ago, I used to come out in big lumps.

It was sort of allergic lumps.

And one time they even went-- I got a midgie bite on the inside of my mouth.

And I was like Quasimodo, I had to go, "Hewwo," 'cause the big lump-- -That's horrible.

-It was pretty bad, yeah.

But as we pull up into Ullapool, help is at hand from Nurse Miriam.

-This is an anti-midge hat.

-Oh yeah.

(Miriam) It is to protect us.

So... -We put that on.

-Yeah.

(Miriam) You see what I mean, it's got a little-- Oops.

(laughing) Sorry.

(laughing) No, I'm serious, I know I'm looking like a-- like a twat.

(Alan) You look--you look crazy.

(Miriam) Now watch it, there's a drawstring.

(Alan) Is this one back here for me?

-Yeah, put it on.

-Okay.

Let's see if I can do it with as much dignity as you did-- Oh, look at me.

(Miriam) Now wait, there's another thing you have to put on.

-This is great-- -These are the mosquito mitts.

(Alan) Oh my God.

Are we gonna be entirely encased in netting?

(Miriam) Yes.

(Alan) These are cute.

-I think we've got this.

-Okay.

(Alan) I might take this off as we drive into Ullapool.

(Miriam) All right, we'll disrobe together.

(Alan) Right.

Are you ready?

One, two, three, boom.

(laughing) Miriam Margolyes strangled by midgie apparatus.

(Miriam) I-- (chuckles) Just set off and I'll get-- get rid of it as we go.

(regal music) Once I've disentangled myself, we'll be stopping at Ullapool's port.

And today, like all good celebrity couples, we're going to split up.

(Alan) Yes, consciously uncoupling, but just for a few hours.

(Miriam) It's absolutely lovely.

Look how smooth that is.

(Alan) It's like glass.

Boat-building English exiles Dan and Tim have lived in Ullapool for the past decade, and they've kindly agreed to take me sailing on Loch Broom, so I can search for the ideal home for my future life as a showbiz recluse.

-Hi, I'm Alan.

-Hi.

-This is Miriam.

-Hi, Miriam.

-Welcome to Ullapool.

-Thank you very much.

Could just do with a bit more wind for us today.

-I'll provide the wind.

-Yes.

(Miriam) Take care of him, please.

(Alan chuckles) (quirky music) (Alan) Tim told me that this tiller is actually a whale's penis.

A lot to unpack.

(Miriam) Now if you thought my midgie hat made me look like my Harry Potter character Professor Sprout, I'm about to go one step further with a lesson in herbology from ethnobotanist Monica Wilde.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Well, tell me what all this is.

(Monica) Well, it's like a cocktail bar but not for alcohol.

(Miriam) Monica's one of Scotland's leading research herbalists, and today we're going to concoct a natural midgie repellant.

(Monica) This is bog myrtle, and if you-- -Bog myrtle.

-Bog myrtle.

If you pick up some of those leaves and crush them, you'll see that it's got quite a strong aroma, quite a strong smell.

(Miriam) Oh, yes.

Ooh, I like that.

(Monica) The essential oils in it, if we can get them out, are repellant to things like midges.

So we're going to get the essential oils out of there using alcohol.

Vodka in this particular instance.

(Miriam gasps, Monica chuckles) -Good heavens.

-There might be enough left over to have a nip.

(Miriam) Stop it.

(Monica laughs) This is lovely.

And now you can set me to work.

(Monica) Now, this, we'll agree, is the color of vodka.

(Miriam) Yes.

(Monica) And this is the color that it is when the leaves have been in it for a couple of weeks.

Looks like someone with a urinary infection.

(Monica chuckles) So, that's a mixture of bog porridge.

(Monica) Bog myrtle.

What's it called?

(Monica laughs) Bog myrtle and vodka.

(Monica) And I'm just going to infuse it in the fresh leaves to try and make it even stronger.

-Even more, yes.

-To make it even stronger.

Let me see if I can help you.

(Monica) If you could take the whipper.

-Right.

-And if you take the-- the bog myrtle.

(Miriam) Okay.

(Monica) And what we need to do is just fill it up.

(Miriam) I'm absolutely hopeless at anything like this.

(Monica laughs) I'm really exposing myself as an incompetent, which I am.

This is my idea of a nightmare.

(laughs) (Alan) Luckily, our boat is a midgie-free zone, and I'm excited to see some of the most remote loch-side real estates on the west coast.

(mellow music) I've always really fantasized about the idea of living on the water.

I wanted to get a chance to look from the water -at some of the houses.

-Ah, yeah, this is the best way to get there.

(Alan) It's sort of like estate agent porn from the sea.

-Should we-- -Get the sails?

Let's do it!

(Dan) Is that gonna go up okay, Tim?

Oh, there is a little.

That's it.

Bit of a workout this morning.

(laughing) Get a bit tighter just as it comes up.

Now give it a wraparound there.

Ooh, watch that doesn't cross over.

That's it.

I'll tail it and you-- you crank her up.

(handle clicking) Is that it?

(Dan) I think that'll probably do.

(growling) (Alan) Sails are up.

Let's have drinks.

But before we start boozing, I want to get house hunting.

Carved out by ice age glaciers, Loch Broom's eight miles of mountains and secluded coastline could be the perfect escape for me.

But then again, I'm pretty picky.

See, like those ones there, too close--too close, they're not remote enough.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, no.

I mean, I like an old stone, you know.

(Dan) So quite traditional.

I like a--I mean, I'm-- I'm open to modern.

(Dan) A modern sort of eco design.

I'm very into that.

Oh, look, there's a sort of moderny, moderny, stilty one, you see that there?

(Dan) Oh, yeah, yeah, I think that's a holiday house.

Yeah, look at that, that old little ruined thing there.

(Dan) They are pretty magic, aren't they?

There's another one just-- you see in the trees.

(Alan) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, I love all those little cottages, but they're just, like, I don't want anyone near me.

Like, you're even too close.

(laughing) Just kidding.

The landscape here is utterly breathtaking, but I do still have a burning question on my mind.

(Dan) Wow.

(Alan) So this is not a whale's penis.

(Tim) You might think that.

(Alan) It looks like the shape of a-- I mean, I've not seen many whales' penises, and certainly not up close, but... (Tim) Sadly, you can't grow whales' penises on trees, and that's actually a yew branch from my father-in-law's garden.

-Ah.

-I needed a specific shape, so I wandered around till I spied a likely branch and I hacked it off.

(Alan) I apologize for bringing penis into the memory of your father-in-law.

(Tim chuckles) (Tim) He'll be tickled.

(Alan laughs) (Alan) I think it's time to move on, don't you?

Now back to dry land.

(soft music) (Miriam) Meanwhile, I'm definitely putting Professor Sprout to shame, mixing my bog myrtle and vodka midgie repellant.

(Monica) I want you to give the whole thing ten really big good shakes.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, -nine, ten.

-Brilliant.

(Monica laughs) For good measure.

That's probably enough.

(Miriam) Little bastard!

You won't have seen that in the films either.

(Monica) Brilliant, thank you.

So if you just pull that lever.

(bottle hisses) We have takeoff.

(Miriam) Magic.

(Monica chuckles) (Monica) This color's even stronger now.

That's somebody with a very worrying urinary tract infection.

(laughing) We're gonna put some glycerin in.

That will make the alcohol not as drying on the skin.

-Here we go.

-Fascinating.

Now, if you give this a good shake, you're good at shaking, and then spray a little on your wrist... (Monica laughs) (spritzing) Woops.

(Miriam) Gosh, I love that smell.

That's gorgeous.

Lucky old Alan.

Speak of the handsome devil.

-Hello, kids.

-Alan, you're in for a treat.

(Alan) Ooh, it's like a bar.

(Miriam) Well, it is a bar because there is vodka involved.

-Is there really?

-Yes.

-Bring it.

-But you don't drink it, -you smear it.

-So if you give it a good shake and spray it onto your hands, and then you can pat it onto your face.

(spritzing) Just like putting on aftershave or something.

(Miriam) And the back of your ears.

(Alan) Yeah, they get-- Also, in your neck they get you.

-That smells lovely, actually.

-Isn't it really lovely?

(Alan) Do you have a name for-- I was talking-- Miriam's Marvelous Emollient.

It's just fabulous, I love it.

I'm going to go around with my fingers up my nose all the time.

Oh, it's gorgeous.

(bright music) Oh, wasn't Monica lovely?

-I liked her.

-I think she was great, yeah.

I had a lovely time on the water with my sailing friends.

We looked at various houses, you know, from the loch, so it was kind of-- I learned a lot.

I want to be a recluse, Miriam.

I'm a social butterfly now, but I feel reclusivity calling me.

(Miriam) I think we want you to be a recluse.

(laughing) (Alan) Don't make me laugh so much when I'm driving.

(tranquil music) (Miriam) Alan Cumming and I are traveling around Scotland together in our trusty camper van, and now we're winding our way through the remote roads of the wild west coast.

Unfortunately, Alan's having a little trouble with his equipment.

Did you say the mic was chafing your jockstrap?

(Alan) Right now when I sit back, it kind of hurts.

-It hurts?

-Well, it's like, you know, it's in the small of my back.

I shouldn't have put it there.

I can't get my jock-- I can't get my hand into my jockstrap -right now, Miriam.

-No, I'm really glad about that, um, but, you know, working with you is interesting because I'm learning about all these things-- -Jockstraps.

-that I didn't know anything about.

And I wondered if they were called jockstrap because of Scotland.

Is there something Scottish about them?

(Alan) Mm, no, I think it's more about jocks, like sporty jocks.

'Cause they're like sports, they're, like, sort of athletic supports.

(Miriam) It's an American-- an athletic support.

(Alan) And they call 'em-- 'cause it like-- (Miriam) Should you need a support there?

(Alan) Well, I do.

(Miriam) Does everybody or just you?

(Alan) Not everyone.

(Miriam) I just want you to take care of yourself.

(Alan) Well, that's why I wear them.

That's why I wear them, to take care of myself.

To, like, give my junk nice support.

(Miriam) Oh, don't call it junk.

It's--it's precious, I know that.

I know how much you guys value the area.

Cargo secured, today Alan and I are heading onwards to a remote and unspoiled part of the West Highlands called Ardgour.

(Alan) This land of hills, lochs, and forests is thought to have been settled for 6,000 years.

At one time or another, it's been home to Iron Age people, Irish monks, and Vikings, and, in more recent times, crofters and hill farmers.

But today, we're here to make sweet, sweet music.

I've collaborated and sung with many amazing talents, from Liza Minnelli to KT Tunstall, but I've never recorded a song in Scotland's native language, Gaelic.

So we're going to this recording studio that's out here and-- -Out here?

-Out here, yeah.

-In the middle of nowhere.

-In the middle of nowhere.

It's called Watercolour, and it's where all the great Gaelic singers have recorded their stuff over the years.

(soft music) Watercolour Studios sits almost in the shadow of Ben Nevis, and it's here we're meeting one of the most respected Gaelic musicians around, Griogair Labhruidh.

Griogair is an award-winning performer who's toured the world, and his vocals even feature on the soundtrack to the TV series Outlander.

(Griogair rapping in Gaelic) -Yay!

-Wow.

(Alan) Oh my God, that's amazing.

(Miriam) That's wonderful.

I didn't understand a word, but... (Alan) I know.

(Griogair) I didn't start rapping until I was in my mid 30s.

I'd written some Gaelic songs before, you know, in the old style, but it was after that that I really started kind of breaking apart some of the stuff from the old style and, like, making my own raps.

(soft music) (Alan) Only around 60,000 Scots speak Gaelic, and, sadly, I never learned, so Griogair is going to teach me.

I would love to have a little go at Tlaidh Na Mn-Sdhe, "The Song of the Fairy Woman."

(Miriam) I've been in lots of musicals, but I haven't got what he's got, I don't have a voice.

I'm determined that you're gonna make a contribution to this arrangement.

(Miriam) Well, I'll do the percussion.

(Alan) What about--Could we sample something of Miriam's or do something like that?

We could definitely do a simple percussion loop.

We've got shakers and bits and pieces.

-Shakers?

-Yeah.

(Griogair laughs) (Alan) How much noise would they make?

(Miriam) Quite a clatter.

(laughing) (Griogair) Sampling's a great idea.

(Alan) Yeah, and you could-- You know, what about the goats?

There's wee goats outside.

Why don't you record the goats?

(Miriam) What do they do?

(Alan) They go, like, "Baa," or whatever.

(Miriam) "Baa."

He just wants to get rid of me.

I'll go out and record the goats.

(Alan) Or go into a private place and record your boobs clattering together.

-Yeah.

-How 'bout that?

(Miriam) I'm not sure the world's quite ready for that yet.

(goats bleating) (soft music) (Miriam bleating) (shaking feed bucket) I think they've lost their tongues.

Come on.

(Alan) While Missy Miriam tries to convince the goats to give up their bleats... Oh, for God's sake.

(Alan) I'm trying to get my normally English-language-speaking tongue around a complex Gaelic song.

(singing in Gaelic) This is ridiculous.

(solemn music) (singing in Gaelic) Have I ever felt stupider than this in my entire life?

(singing in Gaelic) .... this for a game of soldiers.

(singing in Gaelic) (Griogair) Done.

(Alan) Well, hey, Miriam, how'd you get on?

(Miriam) Well, you know, I was tickling them and cuddling them and feeding them and crooning to them.

Not a ...ing dicky-bird, dear.

(laughing) So, I'm afraid I am not able to do much with the sounds of nature.

Fortunately, Watercolour Studios provide plenty of percussion alternatives.

(Alan) Like this.

(Griogair) Pick your weapon of choice.

(Alan) Tambourine.

(tambourine rattles) See?

There's, um, this.

This is more--this more, like, what I think of you.

-That's a football thing.

-Yeah.

(instrument rattles) (Miriam) Like I'm gonna do that in the middle of a lullaby.

-That's what it sounds like-- -Wake up, wake up, baby.

(Alan) But that's what it feels like to me when you're talking to me in the van.

(laughing) (Miriam) Charming.

Look what I've been reduced to.

Clearly, Alan's not convinced by my musical prowess.

(instrument rattling) (Griogair) Okay, that's great, guys.

-Nailed it.

-Cheers.

(Alan) Don't worry, Miriam, these guys can perform all sorts of miracles, and I just wanted this to be something we did together.

So this--our work is done here, Griogair.

We'll see you--You're gonna go and do your magic, and we'll see you day after tomorrow.

(Miriam) And can I say I banged.

(Alan laughs) -Alan sang.

-Special bangs by Miriam Margolyes, yeah.

(Griogair) We'll see you in a couple days.

Can't wait to hear what yous think of it.

(Alan) Thanks, Griogair, looking forward.

-Thank you.

-All right.

(goats bleating) Well, the goats are back.

(Miriam) Oh, don't speak to me about them.

(Alan chuckles) (bright music) Now Alan's fulfilled a lifetime ambition, I'm hoping to achieve one of my own half an hour away in Glencoe.

When I was a child, my Glaswegian father would take us on day trips from the city to see some of Scotland's most beautiful sites.

We'd have some grand adventures, but never climbed any of the country's famous peaks.

Today, at the grand old age of 80, I want to change that.

I've gotta tell you, I've got a real hankering to go up a mountain.

-Have you really?

-I never thought I would.

(Alan) Opened in 1955, Meall a' Bhiridh is home to Scotland's first commercial ski center.

But fortunately, you don't have to be a skier to visit.

The main chair lift runs all year long to allow would-be mountaineers like us to access the hill.

You can manage that, Miriam, sitting in one of those.

(dramatic music) And don't be alarmed by all these ones that are fallen off here to your right.

In Gaelic, Meall a' Bhiridh means the round hill of the bellowing.

But the prospect of traveling in a chair lift seems to have rendered poor Miriam speechless.

For once.

Hello, earth calling Miriam.

That looks absolutely terrifying.

How is it there's no one in them?

(Alan) 'Cause they've all fallen off to their horrible death.

(Miriam) I don't think I'm gonna go in one of those.

(Alan) I thought you wanted to go up a mountain.

You know, I bet there's another way.

Wait a minute, leave it to me, I'm gonna go and try and find out.

(soft, quirky music) (engine starts) (Miriam) That's no for me.

I don't think Jewish girls go in those cable cars.

-Look what I found.

-What's that?

(Alan) It's a 4x4, you can drive up the mountain in it.

-You can drive up.

-Yeah, you can drive up.

-You do that-- -If somebody else drives.

A handsome young gentleman's going to drive you.

-Not my good self, another one.

-Okay.

(laughs) (Alan) All right.

(Miriam) What it is to be young and agile.

Thank you, that's the good thing about doing a show with someone who's 80.

You feel like a twink.

(laughs) I feel like a ...., dear.

(bright music) (Alan) Miriam and I are about to conquer one of Glencoe's most famous mountains, but not by foot.

(Miriam) Whilst Alan's taking the precarious-looking chair lift, I prefer the safety of four wheels.

It should take Alan around 12 minutes to travel up 2,200 feet.

And as my driver's under explicit instructions to take it very easy, we should hopefully arrive around the same time.

Miriam, I'll race you.

Oh, I don't give a .... about the race.

Arrive alive.

That's what I believe in.

It's nippy.

It's a wee bit nippy, as they say.

Can you see where you're going?

And now live from a chair lift, in Glencoe in Scotland... It's Saturday night on Broadway It's Saturday night on Broadway (Miriam) These mountains really are worth singing about, and not just on Broadway.

Hollywood blockbusters from Braveheart to Harry Potter and even James Bond have all used this beautiful glen as a breathtaking backdrop.

It's just a shame I'm not taking much of it in.

Just keep your eyes on the driving.

(driver) Yep.

Don't worry about Alan.

He's sorting himself out.

(Alan) It's a close run thing.

(Miriam) Is it fun?

It's such fun.

It's such a stunning view.

So stunning.

(Miriam) Even though my ass is killing me, I'm absolutely thrilled I've ticked "getting up a mountain" off my bucket list.

(Alan) You've got a young energy.

I mean, you sort of have some fuddy-duddy ideas.

(Miriam laughs) (Miriam) Well, I'm not an idiot.

(Alan) You're certainly not an idiot, no.

(Miriam) The problem about aging, nobody told me that it was gonna happen.

You're supposed to find out for yourself.

And you do.

And it's bloody awful.

It's horrible not being able to run and--and run for a bus.

At night, I think, "Will I wake up in the morning?"

-And then I do.

-But you think-- do you think that every night you might not?

Nearly every night I think maybe-- maybe tonight is the night I won't wake up.

(Alan) And how does that make you feel?

(Miriam) Miserable, and then in the morning I wake up so I'm all right again.

The compensations are that you are wiser and you know you are.

And you don't mind giving advice.

Before I would be very chary of giving advice, but now I just dole out advice to everybody, whether they want it or not.

But I feel more confident when I go into a room.

I used to be very nervous before, and that sometimes made me noisy.

-I don't know.

-Compensating.

(Miriam) I was compensating.

Now I just sort of-- I just feel I have a right to be in the room -and I'll wait.

-And when do you think -that you came to that place?

-Last Tuesday.

(laughing) (regal music) (Alan) Sadly, there's no rest for the wicked, or aged.

It's a new day, and Miriam and I are back on the road.

But this morning, we're taking the scenic route.

Look at this man, look at this man.

I bet he's about to go doggin'.

(Miriam) What is doggin'?

(Alan) It's when people go to carparks and have sex and watch each other.

(Miriam) Oh, God.

Honestly.

Is there nothing else in life?

(Alan) It's just, you know, when they don't have a good book.

-That's true.

-You know, pop into a labor, shag the wife in the tailgate whilst lots of men jack off watching.

-Oh.

-Just another Saturday night.

(Alan laughs) I've never been dogging, before you ask.

(Miriam) Okay.

I have had sex in the presence of other people though.

(Miriam sighs) (Miriam) The life of an actor.

(Alan) Our backdrop for this leg of the tour is the historic Highland city of Inverness, which holds plenty of secrets of its own.

This magical landscape has long lent itself to myth and legend.

And as we travel into the south of the city, I'm excited to learn about a rich part of Scotland's history I've always been fascinated by: witches.

So, Miriam, witchcraft and stuff is a big part of Scottish folklore and history.

And there's a hotel in Inverness run by a lady who's a witch, and also witches go and stay there.

(Miriam) Well, I'm excited to think about that.

I like--I like the occult.

(Alan) Uh-huh, me too.

I've never met a witch before, I don't think.

Very exciting.

Our witchy rendezvous is taking place at the appropriately Gothic Edwardian hotel Touchwood House.

(eerie music) (Miriam) That is a beautiful house.

Why don't you get this house?

(Alan) Is it for sale?

(Miriam) I don't think so.

(Alan) What a stunner.

(Miriam) But you could make an offer that she couldn't refuse.

(Alan) Here we go.

It's like the start of a horror film.

(Miriam laughs) -Hello, Susan.

-Hello, I'm Miriam.

(Susan) Hello, I'm delighted to see you.

-Welcome to Touchwood.

-We love the house.

(Susan) Do you?

You haven't seen anything yet.

(Alan) As well as being the owner of this palatial pad, Susan Macalister Hall is also a proud pagan witch.

(Miriam) Oh, I can't get over this.

(Alan) Isn't it amazing?

(Miriam) It's fantastic.

-Oh my God.

-Wow.

Wow.

(Miriam) Look at the staircase.

(Alan) Whoa, amazing.

(Miriam) That's breathtaking.

-It's not minimalist.

-I know.

-Is everything original?

-It's all original, yes.

Apart from me.

(chuckling) (Miriam) You're pretty original, darling, with your tattoos.

(Alan) Beyond the enchanting decor, I'm keen to know what it means to be a pagan witch.

Do you sort of come to it?

I mean, how are you-- are you called?

I think it's something that, if it's for you, you've always had an interest in it.

(Alan) So it's sort of, like, ignited?

(Susan) Yeah, and maybe you meet someone who is also similar, you know, nature and-- (Alan) So, did you meet a witch that-- (Susan) I did meet a witch, and it was a male witch, in fact, who I was, "Wow," I didn't even know male witches existed.

So, yes, I think it takes another to really make you believe that you're not completely barking mad.

(Alan) At what point in your spiritual path did you start to call yourself a witch, say, "Hello, I'm a witch"?

Probably after meeting other witches and realizing, "Yeah, this is--this is me.

This is what I am."

(Miriam) Would you call it a religion?

I would hesitate to call it a religion.

I would prefer to call it a spiritual path.

(Miriam) It's about knowledge and wisdom, -isn't it?

-It's about knowledge.

And the local witch would have been the local wisewoman, so it was the craft of the wise.

(mysterious music) (Alan) As a pagan witch, Susan worships nature, and there are important pilgrimage sites hidden throughout the Highland'' mystical landscape.

Susan has invited us to a special spot 10 miles away in a woodland behind a busy B-road.

Okay, so we're going this way to the Clootie Well.

-This is wonderful.

-This is a big adventure.

(Alan) The Clootie Well is a remnant of an ancient Celtic tradition that began when pilgrims made offerings to holy wells in the hope of healing.

According to legend, soaking a rag in the water and tying it to a tree can cure all ills.

Isn't that amazing?

(Miriam) Oh my goodness.

(Susan) I know, look at it.

(Miriam) Oh, good heavens.

This must have been going a while.

(Susan) It's very ancient.

Certainly pre-600 A.D., I would have thought.

(Alan) Wow.

You dip your rag in the water, you tie it to a tree, make your wish or ask for healing or whatever, and then leave a gift-- leave your coin in the-- in the well down there.

Yeah.

(Alan) Although Miriam and I are first-timers, rituals like this have always been a big part of Susan's life.

Do you think your nearness to the Clootie Well helped you with your witchiness?

Bound to have been.

I was brought up in the middle of a forest, knowing about nature and appreciating nature, and it was just somewhere you want regularly throughout the summer holidays.

And that was my playground.

We'd run wild in the woods.

(Alan) Well, when in Rome, or in the middle of the woods, it'd be rude not to.

I have... (Miriam) Oh, the tartan.

(Alan) Two pieces of Aliam tartan.

(Miriam) This is our tartan.

(Alan) It's our tartan.

(Susan) That's amazing.

So this is the combination of Miriam and Alan.

(Alan) And all our different colors reflect different things -about our pasts and everything.

-Excellent.

-So I dunk these in the water.

-Yep.

(mystical music) And then we can tie it to this tree.

And you have to think of someone that needs healing.

-Okay.

-I'm gonna tie it.

(Miriam) I'll put it on this bit.

(Alan) Yeah.

And you've got to think of someone that needs healing or some thing, I guess.

Okay.

(Alan) So now I make my offering.

(Susan) You make your offering.

If you come down and you-- (Alan) I'll make an offering for you too.

-Thank you.

-Just throw your coin in the--in the well down here.

(coin splashes) (coin splashes) (water flowing) (Susan) Excellent.

(Alan) So now our wishes really will come true -'cause we paid for it.

-You always have to put -money in, do you?

-Yeah, you always leave a-- So the gods are greedy.

(laughing) What a treat to have an insight into Susan's world.

But visits to the Clootie Well are just a small part of her practice.

Tonight, Susan's invited us to an intimate ritual with her fellow witches back at Touchwood House.

And as dusk settles, Alan's helping her to get things ready.

(Alan) So what are we gonna do tonight?

(Susan) Well, what we're doing after we've lit this, I'm going to cast a circle, which I'm sure you've never experienced before.

(Alan) I have not.

(Susan) You have not, no.

The circle is creating, basically, a sacred space in which we hope to commune with our-- whatever divine you believe in.

(Alan) Is this something that you do a lot?

(Susan) Every full moon.

(Alan) And what is the sort of purpose of the ceremony?

(Susan) Why do people go to church and pray?

To communicate, yeah.

(Alan) Commune with each other as well.

(Susan) To commune with each other and usually ask for whatever it is, whatever assistance you need or whatever you want to enter your life, whether it's, you know, success or health or whatever.

Mine is usually bring the-- bring the right people to me.

That's why you're here tonight.

(chuckling) (Alan) And we're not the only ones.

Soon we're joined by more of Susan's witch friends.

(mystical music) Somewhere along the line, I feel Miriam and I missed a memo.

(Miriam) Our host, Susan, is about to cast a circle that she claims will help us communicate with whatever or whoever we believe in.

(Susan) I call on Earth to bind my spell.

Air to speed its travel well.

Brightest fire shall it glow.

Swift as water's tide to flow.

Count the elements four-fold.

And in the fifth the spell shall hold.

I summon, stir, and call ye, you Mighty Ones of spirits of witchdom, to witness these rites and to guard this circle.

(bell chimes) (fire crackling) Now, Dee is going to give you all a stone.

(Alan) The stone is a vessel for us to fill with all our negative thoughts.

-Okay.

-Thank you.

(Dee) Allow that energy to go into your stone.

(fire crackling) Now that space that is being created, fill that space with thoughts of peace.

As you go about your days, allow that peace and healing to be a light to others that you encounter on your journey in this life.

(Susan) Guardians, thank you for your presence here.

Hail and farewell.

(bell chimes) (fire crackling) (Miriam) That is a proper ritual.

-Thank you.

-It was enlightening, actually, and... No, very special.

-Thank you.

-Thank you, everybody.

-Thank you very much.

-Goodnight.

Thank you so much.

(Miriam) Well, that's certainly not what I expected when I woke up this morning.

But, of course, it's all food for thought.

There was nothing evil or threatening about that-- (Alan) Or even particularly mysterious.

It was just all earthy.

And cake.

I mean, what's not to like?

-It made me weep.

-Did it?

(Miriam) 'Cause I was thinking of the last time that I held a little stone.

It was about two years ago when I put stones on my parents' grave.

(Alan) What is that about, though?

'Cause I've been to all these Jewish cemeteries and there's little people doing that little stones.

(Miriam) Yes, well, that's what you do to show that you've been there.

We don't leave flowers because flowers die.

(Alan) Yeah, I like that.

(glasses clink) -Cheers.

-Cheers.

Slinte and L'chaim!

(Alan) Slinte!

L'chaim!

(bright music) It's the morning after the night before and the skeletons are really coming out of the closet.

Have you ever been arrested?

-Yes.

-What for?

(Miriam) Parking on a double yellow line.

(Alan) Shut up, you got arrested for that?

(Miriam) I was arrested because I said, "You've got a dick that small."

And he called that a breach of the peace.

-Well, only if it was correct.

-It's only a tiny piece.

(laughing) (Alan) Miriam reminds me of my granny, Margaret, who didn't play by the rules either and always taught me it was okay to be different.

Before we return to Ardgour for the premiere of our Gaelic song, I want to make another quick pitstop in Inverness at a special place that reminds me of my free-spirited hero.

My granny lived here in Inverness, and I used to come and visit her, you know, when I was a little boy.

And this bridge, it's called the shoogly bridge because it bounces.

Granny used to take me and my brother, and we'd all jump up and down on the bridge.

It was just, like, such a great childhood memory.

(Miriam) Are you expecting me to jump up and down?

(Alan) I'll jump up and down for you.

-Will you?

-Yeah.

(Miriam) Thank you.

(Alan) After you.

The bridge's "shoogliness," that's shakiness to all you non-Scots, is due to the deck being suspended by cables.

Love the noise too.

(bridge squeaks rhythmically) (Miriam) Is it safe?

(Alan) Ah.

(Miriam) Is it safe?

(Alan) As safe as any suspension bridge.

-That's true.

-Oh, that was fun.

I always feel like I'm connecting -with my granny here.

-Nice.

(Alan) Yeah.

(Miriam) I think I've got a suspension bra.

(laughing) (Alan) Is there some clattering?

(Miriam) Well, it was certainly a bouncing.

(regal music) (Alan) But now it's time for us to bounce, as the kids would say, and head back to Ardgour.

(Miriam) Is that Ben Nevis, that one there?

(Alan) I think that is it, and it just doesn't look-- it looks like a wee-- Oh, shit.

Looks like a wee hill.

-Oh my gosh.

-Jesus.

-Keep your eyes on the-- -Don't distract me, all right?

(Miriam laughs) I have to keep my eyes on the road.

I can't be, like, pointing out mountains to you.

(Miriam) Well, I thought you were guiding.

Because you know the Highlands well.

I just know the Gorbals, darling.

I'm just a tart from the slums.

(Alan laughs) (Alan) Slum tart.

-That's you.

-Well, you've heard -of slum dogs.

-Yes, slum tart millionaire.

-I'm a slum tart.

-That's you, slum tart millionaire.

(soft music) My slum tart and I are returning to Watercolour Studios to see if Griogair has worked his magic on our Gaelic song.

(Miriam) Well, I've not never made a record, but I haven't made a record for a very long time.

(Alan) And have you ever made a record as a percussion artist?

(Miriam) Never.

(Alan) See?

Never say never, Miriam.

But we're not just here to listen to the song.

Ardgour doesn't get many world premieres, so the studio owners Nick and Mary Ann have invited friends, relatives, and locals to witness its first ever live performance.

(Miriam) Is my percussion bit still in?

(Griogair) It's in there, yeah, yeah, it's embedded in the mix, so you can just hear a wee (mimics sound) in there.

(Griogair chuckles) -Hilarious.

-That's a bit of a thrill.

(Griogair) It's all kind of mixed in.

You don't hear so many of the individual sounds.

It's mainly the vocals that come to the very front -of the mix, you know?

-It's all right, darling, I'm not offended.

(laughing) We're gonna sing this?

We'll sing this live?

-Or with-- -If you want to.

We're gonna have the world premiere -of "Fairy Woman's Lullaby."

-I'm going to fart now.

-Oh no.

-My God.

(Alan) Must be all the excitement.

(singing in Gaelic) (Miriam) Well, it may not be Broadway, but it's a magnificent place to premiere any work.

I've already done my part, but Alan had better get in a bit of last minute practice.

(singing in Gaelic) Well, ladies and gentlemen, a real treat now because we have your Griogair Labhruidh and our Alan Cumming, who is also your Alan Cumming.

(laughing) And they're going to sing an old Gaelic song called "The Fairy Woman's Lullaby."

So it's my joy to introduce Griogair and Alan.

(cheering, applause) (mystical, solemn music) (singing in Gaelic) (singing echoes) (chuckling) (Alan) Griogair!

(applause, cheering) -That was great.

-Bravo!

(Alan) Thank you for coming.

(Miriam) Thank you.

(Miriam laughs) -That was beautiful!

-Isn't that nice?

-Beautiful.

-Sounded great.

(Alan) Next time, Miriam and I start our final week in Scotland on a mission to make a vegan version of a local delicacy.

(Miriam) Just a finger.

(laughing) (Alan) Miriam takes a novel approach to our national sport.

-My tits are in the way.

-Oh no.

(golf ball clatters) -Nailed it!

-There you go!

(Miriam) And we're on to our final destination, Edinburgh, for a confessional over a cuppa.

I had to swear on the Bible that I would never sleep with a woman again.

(Alan) What?

You never told me that.

(majestic music) (bright music)