The Madame Blanc Mysteries

-The importance of relics in the Catholic Church is paramount.

They have received the divine blessing of God himself, allowing the particular saint to hear and watch over the faithful masses.

-What have you dragged me here for?

-I'm a bit sketchy on relics.

-What's in the box?

-A relic.

-Oh.

-It's the remains of a Pope's heart.

-Oh, God!

-And... -Sorry.

-...as the great Hans Urs von Balthasar said, "What you are is God's gift to you, and what you become is your gift."

-"To God."

-I beg your pardon?

-"What you become is your gift to God."

-Thank you for correcting me, Father.

And thank you all for coming, everyone.

-Home, please.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-[ Speaking French ] -Thank you.

-It's from both of us.

-[ Shouting in French ] -[ Speaking French ] [ Knock on door ] [ Shouting continues in distance ] [ Shouting stops ] [ Both gasp ] - Do you remember the first time That my eyes set on you?

Your smile came from nowhere For sometime never, or sometime soon The road is a long one I was only passing through I was only passing through -I'll tell you what I don't understand about the church -- they're always skint, aren't they?

-Eh?

-Well, every time I went to church when I was a kid, they're always banging on about the roof leaking or the graveyard caving in.

-Well, it must take a lot of money to maintain such beautiful buildings.

-Did you see the amount of cash going into that collection box?

I can't see anything wrong with that church Looks absolutely fine to me.

-Blimey, Dom, I didn't know you felt so strongly about church maintenance.

Is it because they've never actually asked you to do any work for them, by any chance?

-No.

I'm just saying, if they're that hard up, why don't you just sell a few candlesticks, or...?

-Well, it's all about faith, isn't it?

-Well, you got to have faith.

-If you start singing George Michael, I'm gonna hurt you.

-He's dead.

Father Donadieu is dead.

Please, help.

-So, let's go over this again.

-Of course.

We were taking delivery of the candles in the vestibule, and we realized that Father Donadieu had stopped shouting.

And then, we saw him.

It was awful.

-And the Sacred Heart was gone.

-He was shouting?

-Father Donadieu could be very impassioned.

-And the door was still bolted?

-No, no, we only opened the door to get some help.

-It couldn't have been more than 10 minutes before Father Durand came over for help to the pub.

I mean, I'd not even been served my drink.

-And what time was this delivery?

– It was 5: 20 p.m., straight after the talk.

It always is.

Our delivery man will confirm.

-Madame White, do you know the approximate value of the stolen goods?

-Well, I'm not an expert in relics, but, uh, it's priceless in its spiritual value.

-Would it be easy to sell?

-Oh, there's always a buyer for the priceless.

-But if someone wanted to sell such a thing, where would they go?

-Uh, I really don't know.

It's so specific.

Um... Actually, I might know someone who could help us.

Excuse me.

Hi, Dom.

Fancy going on a pilgrimage?

-Lourdes?

-Well, I'm just going there to look up an old friend.

-Rather you than me.

It's too touristy.

[ Door opens ] Sorry, we're not open yet.

-My boy!

[ Both chuckle ] -Mum, this is Dom and Jean.

-Charmed, I'm sure.

-Lovely to meet you.

Right.

We best be off, then.

-Yeah.

-Where are you off to, dear?

-Lourdes.

-Oh, another child of the Lourdes!

[ Both chuckle ] -Oh.

-[ Chuckling ] Oh, yes.

-Celine, I don't suppose you have a clean room ready for me, do you, dear?

-I didn't know you were coming.

-Never mind.

You look exhausted.

I'll clean it myself.

And when I come back, I'll have a pint of the black stuff, son.

-How much food did you order?

-I just asked Celine to do us a packed lunch.

-We're only driving half an hour.

Oh, I don't believe it.

-What?

-Food of the gods.

-[ Laughs ] Well, yeah, we are going to Lourdes.

-Oh, Celine asked me a while back what food I missed from England, and this was on me list.

She must've got some in.

Bless her.

-Whoa, whoa, hang on.

Of all the things you could have said, pork pie with egg, top of your list?

-It's not top of my list.

-What's top?

-Baby's Head.

-Bab-- What is Baby's Head?

-Baby's Head!

You know, steak and kidney suet pudding.

A Northern chip shop classic.

-So-called because... -It's as smooth baby's... -Baby's head.

-Exactly!

I make a cracking Baby's Head.

I could give Gordon Ramsay a run for his money.

-Is that a threat or a fantasy?

-[ Chuckles, grunts ] -Alright, then, prove it.

-What?

-You can cook me dinner.

-Alright, then.

I'll cook you Baby's Head, chips, peas... -And gravy.

Can't have Baby's Head without gravy.

-Oh, I knew you knew!

-Of course I knew!

I went in our chip shop that often they used to give me a free calendar at Christmas.

-[ Laughs ] Did they now?

[ Chuckles ] Oh, I can't believe that.

-I mean, how many nuns do you need?

-Depends on what you've been up to, my child.

-It's alright, Karen.

You can drop the French accent.

He's with me.

-Jean!

How are ya?

-I'm alright.

This is Dom.

-Alright, Dom.

Are you a sinner?

-Uh, I've had me moments, yeah.

-Let's get that kettle on and have a ciggie.

Come on.

-I washed all those glasses last night, and she just washed them all again.

-Look, I had no idea she was coming, love.

-Anyway, I know exactly why she's here.

She just wants to cause trouble.

-You know she's been so lonely since my dad died, Celine.

You know, they did everything together for 45 years.

Maybe that's why she's here -- to see her only son, eat with the only family she has left in the world.

Did you ever think it could be that?

-I'm sorry.

It's just -- -It's just you never give her a chance.

-Over here, son!

I'll have another Guinness when you're ready, son.

-I hope you're not gambling, Ma.

-Gambling?

No, no, son.

This is just a little friendly culture exchange.

I'm teaching them how to play Cribbage, and they're going to teach me how to play Bull.

-Can I smell a bit of bull?

-[ Laughs ] He's a funny man, my son.

-I mean it, Ma.

We're not licensed for gambling.

-Trust me, son, it's just a little friendly.

-Okay.

-And if you found yourself adding a wee tot of whiskey as a chaser for your ole ma, she'd be very grateful.

Alright, gentlemen.

50 euro each in the kitschy, twice 'round the board.

-And I told her I buy curios... ...and she thought I was coming on to her.

[ Laughter ] -So, how long were you a nun for?

-Ey.

I still am a nun.

I don't wear this to keep my head warm.

Praying and all that was alright for the first few years, but I needed more, you know, to keep my faith shining bright.

-So she decided to become one of the world's leading experts in religious art.

-Like you do.

Hey, love, I heard about Rory.

I'm really sorry.

-Thank you.

-So, to what do I owe the honor?

-Right.

Can you shed any light?

-"The Sacred Heart Tour.

The heart of Pope Pius VI."

-That box is a little bit small for a heart.

-Oh, no.

It was only the remains of his heart in the box.

-Ugh, mingin'.

-What was the history?

-In 1791, Pope Pius VI rejected the Constitution civile du clerge.

-What's that?

-Well, the New Republic, not the Vatican, were now in charge of the Catholic Church in France.

But Pius wasn't having any of it, so he suspended any priest who accepted it.

-Brave.

-Yeah, very.

It was only seven years later, in 1798, that the French took control of Rome, and declared it the Roman Republic.

When Pius refused to submit to the conquerors, they dragged him back to France.

But he was getting on a bit, and, of course, he didn't make it.

He croaked on the way back.

-Blimey.

-He was buried without ceremony, in an unconsecrated grave, and his heart stayed in France.

-You're very good with your dates.

-Ah, a nun with a photographic memory.

I should be in a circus.

-So, the Sacred Heart was stolen from the Church of the Virgin Mary in San Victoire yesterday.

-But it's priceless, spiritually and financially.

-That's exactly what I said.

If someone was trying to get rid of it for money, where would they go, Karen?

-I don't even know how you would get rid of it.

-Mm.

-There's only one dealer I can think of who might chance their arm with something like this.

-Oh.

Who?

-Vivienne Dumonet.

-Do you know where I can find her?

-Here.

Careful, though, love.

She has quite the reputation.

-Thank you, Karen.

-Can I use your loo before I go?

-Yeah.

Of course you can.

It's right through there.

[ Door closes ] Come on, then.

-What?

-Who's he?

-Dom?

-No, St. Francis of Assisi.

-He's just a mate.

-Mm.

He makes you sparkle.

-He does not.

-He is hot.

-Are nuns even supposed to say that?

-No, probably not.

But religious art experts can.

You are allowed a life, you know.

-[ Sighs ] It's too soon for me, Karen.

He's been so lovely.

I'm really gonna miss him.

I've not had a friend like that for a long time.

-[ Clears throat ] -[ Chuckles ] -Aw.

-[ Chuckling ] Yes.

Sorry, Peter.

It's a sea of glasses out there.

-You were playing Cribbage?

-Well, that's well observed by a man so young as yourself.

Do you play?

-How much is at stake?

-[ Laughs ] Well, that's very kind of you, young man, but I'll buy my own drink, thank you.

Next game is 50 euro stake, twice around the board.

Take a seat.

-Don't touch anything.

Hello, um... a friend of mine said you might be able to help me.

-With?

-I'm looking for a religious item.

-You have come to the right place.

-It's very valuable.

-I deal in the finest antiques and icons, not cheap souvenirs, Madame.

Quality surrounds you.

-Hm, yes, I can see that.

But this is, um... priceless, and it's missing.

-You mean the Sacred Heart of Pope Pius VI, yes?

-How do you know?

-Anyone who knows the reliquaries knows.

I only wish it had come through here.

I could have got rid of it in five minutes.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-What have you done?

That is finest Capodimonte!

-Oh, no, it's not a Capodimonte, is it?

-Come on.

-You owe me 1,500 euro!

-Oh, I don't think so, love.

You and I know that's just a piece of mass-produced pottery.

Here.

Have 10 euros for your trouble.

Keep the change.

What did I say?

-Seen something you like?

-What?

Wait a minute.

I saw him in the church with Father Donadieu.

[ Gasps ] Follow that car.

-Oh, brilliant!

I have always wanted somebody to say that to me.

[ Horn honks ] [ Conversing in French ] They're a good-looking couple, make no mistake.

-Yeah, this is true.

-Got a real sense of style, haven't they?

-What, them two?

You've only just seen them.

-No, I mean the French, in general.

-Yeah.

-You know, when I first came here, I tried to copy the look.

Went to the same shops, bought the same clothes.

Did I nail it?

Nah.

I think I've just got a very British head.

-You always look great to me.

-Oh.

Thanks.

-Um, I'll have a ham and cheese baguette, please.

-Yeah.

-[ Speaking French ] -Madame.

-Don't gawk with your mouth full.

-What's gone on there?

I'm gonna take a little look 'round the church.

-Lunch on me, if you'll have a look at that leaky pump you keep promising you'll fix.

-It's alright.

I'll see you in a bit.

-[ Muffled ] I'm gonna take that with me.

-You don't want to go down there!

That's the crypt!

No one's been down there for years.

-Oh.

Sorry.

-Can I help you?

-Yes.

I was come to see you and your mom, actually.

-Mama, you remember Madame White from the night of the... -Oh, hello again.

I just...

I just wondered how you were both doing.

-We're okay.

Of course, it has been so horrific and shocking that my sleep has not been good.

-He hasn't got a wink.

Bless him.

-I hope you don't mind me asking, um, the gentleman that came into the church before, I recognize him.

-Oh, you mean Sacha Ruse?

He came over to sign the papers on the field he has purchased from the church.

-Is he a builder?

-Yes.

He is.

He's been wanting to buy the field for many years, but, uh... Father Donadieu was not keen and kept it stringing along.

-Is that because it was consecrated?

-No.

Because that's the kind of tyrant he was.

-Mama, no.

You cannot speak of the dead like that, especially within these walls.

Father Donadieu was a man of faith in the face of his congregation.

Behind closed doors, he was a very different man.

He could be very difficult, especially with those closest to him.

And my mother has worked for him since she was 15.

-Oh.

Oh, we've all had tough bosses.

-Exactly.

-I think I know who murdered Father Donadieu.

-For sure?

-The evidence is pretty solid.

-Okay.

-Sacha Ruse.

-Monsieur Ruse?

Uh, are you sure?

What is your evidence?

-His girlfriend is the only person around here who could get rid of a relic.

Father Donadieu refused to sell him a piece of land that he really wanted, but just after the murder, he buys the same piece of land off Father Durand.

It's got to be Sacha Ruse!

-What piece of land?

-Oh, it's at the back of the church.

It's not consecrated or anything, but you've got to admit the timing's fast.

-No, Jean, this is all circumstantial.

And how would he get back through a bolted door?

-Well, I don't know, Caron, but somebody is dead, and everything is pointing to him.

-Monsieur Ruse is a very important member of the community, a magistrate, and incredibly charitable.

If you are wrong, the ripple effect will be huge.

-But what if I'm right?

Hasn't your community got a right to know that it's living with a murderer?

We should at least question him.

[ Door closes ] -[ Speaking French ] So, you know your antiques, Jean White?

-I do.

-Can I ask you a few questions?

-Alright.

Of course.

-It has come to my knowledge that you have recently bought the piece of land behind the church.

-Yes.

-And you've been trying to get your hands on that land for ages.

-Yes.

But Father Donadieu did not want me to develop the land, even though it was not consecrated.

-And you're currently dating an expert in religious icons and antiques?

-Oui.

And what business is that of yours?

-Monsieur Ruse, forgive my directness, but it is a bit of a coincidence that a religious relic has been stolen, you have a girlfriend that could get rid of it for you, and the only person standing in the way of a big development got murdered.

-[ Scoffs ] You're being serious?

-The circumstantial evidence is strong, Monsieur.

-Mm-hmm.

[ Chuckles ] Are you a... religious woman, Madame White?

-Um... well, I would say I was spiritual more than religious.

-Mm.

But you were raised with religion?

You grew up with it?

-Roman Catholic.

-Well, I am a committed atheist.

[ Chuckles ] And, you know, one of the reasons why I am an atheist?

When my mother was just 3 years old, she was ripped away from her mother by the church.

No reason, other than she was unmarried and struggling.

Her child torn away.

My grandmother committed suicide rather than live with the grief of losing her daughter.

And do you know what the church did?

They threw her into a pauper's pit.

No burial, no grave.

The shame my mother had to grow up with colored her entire life.

[ Sighs ] That is why I wanted to buy the land in the back of the church.

That land is the very pauper's pit in which my grandmother lies.

-Oh.

-Ah, oui.

I want to turn it into a place for people who need help.

Hm?

A sort of sanctuary, in my grandmother's honor.

But Father Donadieu was not in favor of the idea, as it would bring shame on the church.

[ Chuckles dryly ] Oh, and as for stealing the remains of a heart that might have belonged to the Pope, you will not be surprised to know that doesn't interest me at all.

-Monsieur Ruse, can I ask where you went after leaving the church that night?

-Mm.

Madame Dumonet and I dined at La Salle Nuit.

The restaurant was packed.

Maybe you should have asked me that first.

-Please accept my sincere apologies.

Jean, how could you do that to me?

I've never been so humiliated!

-The evidence was so compelling.

I was sure it was him.

-I will never live this down in this village.

-I'm sorry.

-Not to mention my wife!

-Your wife?

-She is a member of the same art committee as Vivienne Dumonet.

She will never let me live this down!

-Well, just explain to her that it was all my fault.

-You don't know my wife.

-Caron, you can't make me feel any worse than I already do.

[ Phone chimes ] What's wrong?

-There has been another stabbing.

[ Camera shutter clicks ] -[ Speaking French ] -Did she say "scissors"?

-Yes.

But he's a local drug dealer, so it's probably unrelated.

[ Camera shutter clicks ] -Oh, it was awful.

I don't think I'm cut out for this police stuff.

There's so much blood.

-Happened to me once.

-What, you witnessed a murder scene?

-No.

Really bad shaving cut.

There was blood all over the place.

I nearly fainted.

-And Caron's still not speaking to me.

-Oh, love.

I'll see you both later.

-See you.

-That's why I stopped shaving.

-Xav's gambling, over there.

-Oh, I'm so sorry, Glo.

My ma told me it was just a friendly.

-Come on, Gloria.

What the hell do you think you are doing?

-Mama?

-You could get us shut down, you stupid woman!

-Hey, there's no need for that, Celine.

-No, there isn't.

And how dare you speak to me like that.

-We don't have a license to gamble.

-Well, you should get one.

-There's a reason why we don't get one.

-Do you have a criminal record?

-I don't have a criminal record, but if you don't get out of my face, I soon will have.

-Please, everyone!

I'm the reason why they don't have a license.

I'm a recovering addict.

-Well, we're not doing drugs, son.

Besides, you won the kitschy twice.

-Not drugs, gambling.

I'm supposed to be in recovery.

I'm sorry, Mum.

Can we go home now?

-Thanks, Celine... for trying.

-You always have to look at the parents to see why the child behaves so badly.

-I think you know what you need to do.

-Take no notice, son.

This whole P.C.

thing has got way out of hand.

-Well, you should've seen his face, Dom.

I've never seen anyone so upset, especially someone like Caron.

I feel awful.

[ Sighs ] -And he mentioned his wife?

-Yeah.

It's the first time he's mentioned her to me, thinking about it.

-Well, that'll be it, then.

-What do you mean?

-Uh... How do I put it?

Have you ever seen Caron out of uniform?

Ever seen him relax or have dinner?

-Weirdly, no.

-No.

He hates to go home.

He just stays at work.

-Because of his wife?

-Yeah.

The few times he's mentioned it to me, he just said him and his wife do not get on.

-Oh.

-I mean, the only time I saw them together, they were sniping all night.

It was exhausting.

-Why don't they just split up?

-Who knows?

I just know that that kind of thing would drive me insane.

-Gosh.

Even so, he's such a lovely man.

I wish I could make it up to him.

[ Bell tolls ] You fancy a prayer service?

-Really?

-Oh, come on.

Please.

Just -- Just give me one more look.

-A prayer service?

I don't know what to do, all the... -Just do what I do.

Come on.

It'll be fine.

[ Priest speaking French ] [ All singing in French ] [ Priest speaking French ] -Different curtains.

"Mother and son."

-[ Yelps ] What?

-Dom, stay in your seat after the service.

-What?

It's bad enough being here in the first place, never mind staying longer than we have to.

-Please, Dom?

-Alright.

Alright.

Oof, you got me skin then.

-Sorry.

[ Priest speaking French ] [ Bell tolls ] -Oh, that was a lovely service, father.

-Thank you.

-You must be very proud of your son.

-I am, especially since he gets to lead the service.

-Oh, did Father Donadieu not let you lead the service?

-Never.

-Father Donadieu was, shall we say, a little bit possessive.

-Oh, Monsieur Ruse said that Father Donadieu was also very possessive about the land at the back of the church.

-Father Donadieu said it was the property of the church, but I thought selling the land could create something for the community.

-Oh.

So, it's quite useful that, um, Father Donadieu is not here anymore.

-What are you insinuating?

-Just that life's a little bit better for everyone.

-Are you accusing me of murder in God's house?

-No, Father.

Not you.

-Madame White, how dare you.

-When I first came into the church after Father Donadieu had been murdered, I couldn't see why the confessional box seemed strange.

But tonight, I worked it out.

It's out of place -- only slightly.

But it's not quite where it should be.

Would you like to tell us why, Paulette?

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Should I refresh your memory?

-This is absolute nonsense.

-Had a little bit of help, didn't you?

This is how I see it.

As we left the church that night, your drug-dealer friend sneaked off and hid in the confessional box.

As Father Donadieu came back into the church, your young friend came out of the box, and stabbed him in the back with a crucifix... ...and quickly returned, picking up the relic on the way.

You then sent Father Durand for help, to the pub across the square.

And while he was gone, you both slid the confessional box across, revealing...a secret door?

Which I assume leads to the crypt.

After he made his escape, you tried to put the confessional box back into the right place, but, well, in your efforts, you left a tilted Station of the Cross.

Can you give me a hand?

-Yeah.

-Only a girl who's worked here all her life would know where a secret door was.

-I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, my darling.

How did you know?

-I saw you going in the crypt door one morning.

I assumed it was the side door, until I came to visit you.

-I'd been at the receiving end of that monster's wrath most of my working life.

I was determined my son wouldn't go through the same.

I dreamed about murdering him, what silencing him would sound like.

-But you murdered twice, didn't you?

-What?

-The boy.

-What boy?

-Come on.

The boy, Paulette.

He was killed with shears -- your sewing shears.

-He was blackmailing me.

I paid him well.

He wanted more.

I spent all my savings.

-So, what happened to the Sacred Heart?

-Oh, well, that was used just for a motive for murder.

Never left, did it, Paulette?

You would never sell a holy relic -- good Catholic girl like you.

No.

You made new curtains to hide it.

-Mama?

How... -The curtains on the leaflet are a different color.

And when I was in the vestry, I noticed the thread in your sewing machine was crimson.

-I got your text.

This better be good, Jean.

-Let's give them a minute.

-So, you still gonna cook me Baby's Head, then?

-I'm not one to renege on a promise.

-I don't want tinned peas, mind.

I want them soaked overnight.

-Oh, do you now?

-In a hairnet.

-A hairnet?

-Yeah.

Like me gran used to do.

-Do I look like the kind of woman who wears a hairnet?

-I refuse to answer that question on the grounds of fear.

-[ Chuckles ] Just turn up at mine at 7:00.

-Would it excite you if I told you that I've got a couple of bottles of Dandelion and Burdock to bring over?

-Now that excites me more than you could possibly imagine.

-Hiya, love.

-Hello, love.

How's Xav?

-I've just come back from one of his meetings.

-You're such a lovely mum.

-Oh, Celine.

I'm so sorry for kicking off yesterday.

-Not kicking off.

You were positively graceful.

You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.

We promised you that there would be no gambling in here.

It's us who should be apologizing to you.

-Wasn't your fault.

-Maybe not, but... it was the fault of her.

[ Sighs ] I know she's my mother-in-law, but I cannot stand her.

This one actually told me that I couldn't possibly be a real woman because I hadn't had a child.

[ All gasp ] I can't believe the outright cheek of her!

I told her I didn't want her here, straight away, but she just ignores me.

-What about Niall?

-Him?

He resorts to being a 12-year-old boy.

Bless him.

She smothers him as a mother, and she guilt-trips him on religion.

Ugh, for a few hours off... -There she is.

[ Chuckles ] A child of God.

How was your trip to Lourdes?

-Oh, um, great.

Great.

[ Chuckles ] -Sister!

I got your message.

What's so urgent?

-Jean, there's something I have to tell you, and it just couldn't wait.

I must ask you all for your complete confidentiality.

What I'm about to say might just change the world.

-Of course.

Yeah, yeah.

– At 7: 00 last night, Sister Bernadette saw the face of our lady in a croque monsieur in a cafe in Lourdes.

Now, please, don't mention this to anyone.

But there is every chance that the croque monsieur will cry at any minute, and the Cafe de Royal will become a place of pilgrimage.

[ Laughter ] -Remember, son, you're the man of the house.

Don't go letting her walk all over you.

-She's a beautiful woman, Ma.

-Maybe to you.

Here, take care of yourself.

See you soon.

[ Engine starts ] And get that gambling license sorted.

[ Chuckles ] -And I told her I buy curios, and she thought I was coming on to her.

[ Laughter ] -I don't know how to thank you.

-You can start with another Rum and Black.

[ Cellphone ringing ] -Oh.

Excuse me.

Hi, Barbara.

Cash buyer?

[ Gasps ] So, when can they view again?

Tomorrow?

Oh, Barbara, that's... that's great.

Third time lucky, eh?

Yeah, bye.

[ Chuckles ] -Cash buyer.

That's brilliant news.

-The sooner I sell that cottage, the sooner I'm on my way home.

Celine, fill me up.

We're all celebrating.

-Oh.

Ooh.

-Hey.

-Hey, hey!

-Hey, hey!

-Cheers.

-Cheers.