Lovejoy

AUCTIONEER: Who will start me at �100?

�100 for a start they want.

�100 I'm bid.

�100 I'm bid.

Who will give me �110?

Who will make it �110?

I'm looking for �110.

�110.

�110 I'm bid.

Who will make it �120?

Come on, gentlemen.

Who will make it �120?

�120 I'm bid.

It's with you, madam.

At �120.

Do I hear �150?

�150 anywhere?

Come on, gentlemen, that's a genuine antique.

They don't come up every day.

�150.

�150 I'm bid.

Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for �350.

�350 anywhere?

Don't lose it, madam.

Don't lose it for another �50.

�350 anywhere?

�350 I'm bid.

At �350.

Who'll make it �400?

I'm looking for �400.

Any more?

At �350.

Are you all done?

At �350.

At 350.

[ Gavel bangs ] Lovejoy.

[ Music playing ] It's 25 on a beautiful morning.

You're listening to BBC Radio Norfolk.

[ Music playing ] [ Music blaring ] For God's sake, boy.

Get yourself together.

Well, what time's this Lovejoy bloke expecting me?

As soon as you get there.

There's an auction on today, so he'll be at Gimbert's.

Now, I've wrapped him up some sausages and a nice loin of pork.

Oh, and here's the cash.

And try and look a little less dozy than usual.

Blast, boy, if they gave out degrees for lethargy, you'd be a professor by now.

Well, I don't reckon I'm going to fancy this antiques lark.

CATCHPOLE: Given the state of Mrs. Thatcher's Britain, Polytechnic dropouts like you don't have much choice, do they?

And seeing as how it's extremely unlikely that you're ever going to be an astronaut, an industrial tycoon, or a gynecologist, antiques it is.

It has to be said, Eric.

You're a bitter disappointment to me.

Well, only since I turned vegetarian.

[ Hoofbeats ] [ Cows mooing ] [ Glass shatters ] LOVEJOY: Jesus!

[ Horn honks ] I just had to come over and see your face the first time that lot went through.

What's going on, Charlie?

Right of way, Lovejoy.

I made a deal with the farmer.

LOVEJOY: You made a deal with me.

I rent this from you.

I'm only giving them use of the yard.

I promise you, none of the cows will set foot inside the house.

I owe you for this, Charlie.

I wait with baited breath.

Good morning, Mr. Gimbert.

How are you today?

Ah, extremely well, thank you, Bigelow.

Just had the pleasure of making Lovejoy's life a little less comfortable.

That always cheers you up, doesn't it, Mr. Gimbert?

Yes, yes.

I know I appear unreasonably vindictive at times, Bigelow, but that's the way it is.

You know the form by now.

If home is where the heart is, then this is home to me.

An auction room on auction day when the old ticker beats faster with the slender possibility that somewhere, just somewhere, amongst the birdcages, silver spoons, commemorative medals, rolltop desks, and castoffs from granny's attic, somewhere amongst that lot a genuine, authentic antique will appear shining with all the love that made it.

Well, that's what this lot are doing here, too.

Dandy.

What do you make of this bonheur de jour, Lovejoy?

It's listed as Sheraton.

Well, it's his style.

So, is it good or not?

It looks pretty good.

Good enough for a couple from Belgravia with oodles of loot and a Rolls with a vulgar, personalized number plate?

Perfect, Dandy.

Perfect.

Don't forget.

Antiques can be very valuable.

And once money is involved, a great deal of money, people can get very greedy, cunning, desperate even, and then people can get hurt or worse.

How sweet.

Don't you think, Tink?

Horrible.

Genuine Chelsea.

Look.

Gold anchor mark.

Horrible.

Excuse me.

Do you know someone called Lovejoy?

That depends.

You look rather too young to be an outraged husband, but you might be one of those despicable nerks that hand out writs.

No, I'm Eric.

I'm his student.

Eric Catchpole, like.

Ah.

Well, in that case, I do have the privilege of being Mr. Lovejoy's trusted ally and barker.

Barker?

Barker is usually a disheveled alcoholic trained to sniff out antiques wherever they may lurk and assess their authenticity, thus.

Blue-and-gold-printed earthenware, Spode, marked AD 1732.

It's quite an achievement, that, considering Josias Spode wasn't born until 1733.

We now come to lot 29, showing on my left.

A small, portable Japanese bamboo box.

Now, we'll start off the bidding at �100.

Come along, ladies and gentlemen.

�100?

Who'll give me �100?

Gentleman at the back.

�110?

�120?

�130?

�140?

�150?

�160?

�170?

�180?

�190?

�200?

�210?

�210 at the front.

�220?

�230?

�240?

�250?

�260?

�270?

�280?

Come along, ladies and gentlemen.

-[ Door opens ] -�290?

�300?

[ Crowd murmuring ] Saved by the Bill.

CHARLIE: You mind telling me what's going on, Officer?

This is not a den of iniquity or a house of ill-repute.

[ Laughter ] We're trying to conduct an auction here.

Sorry, Mr. Gimbert, but we're looking for Lovejoy.

Tell them you never touched the girl.

Oh, in that case, Sergeant, you must do your duty.

You sold that, Lovejoy.

Yes, to a guy in Cambridge.

Got a nice price.

Hope you haven't spent it.

Only on luxuries like food and rent.

Why?

It's nicked.

It was stolen a month ago from a house near Thetford.

Among other things.

I don't steal antiques.

I deal them.

You know that.

You'd deal them if they were stolen.

We both know that.

[ Door opens ] Oh, thank you, Colin, but I didn't want one anyway.

Where do you get it?

From someone who is neither a dealer or a thief.

Drummer.

-Drummer?

-Who's he?

Old character lives out on the estuary.

Owns a donkey and cart.

Gives kids rides in summer.

Rest of the year he spends beachcombing.

Which is where he found this.

He brought it to me, and my only crime is that I still haven't paid him his commission.

As it was nicked, you also owe the man in Cambridge his money back.

Yes, well, if I could get back to the auction and continue my trade, I might be able to do that.

Okay, Lovejoy.

But I warn you.

Yes, Chief, I know.

I have graced your Lubianka before.

Oh, just one thing.

Please don't send uniformed cops to pick me up.

Hurts my standing in the community.

What was it, love, parking tickets?

Who got the cage?

You really wanted that Japanese thing?

It's not a thing.

It's a genuine 18th century Japanese bamboo firefly cage.

I know a collector in London would have paid me a stack for it.

Well, you'd better talk to her, then, darling.

LOVEJOY: Oi!

Oi!

[ Engine sputtering ] Excuse me, are you, Lovejoy?

Some other time, all right?

I'm Eric.

Eric Catchpole, like.

My dad spoke to you.

Look, another time, all right?

I've got some cash.

And some meat.

I've also got a motorbike!

JANE: I take great pleasure in unveiling this plaque for the town of Kersey.

[ Music plays ] -Brakes.

-What?

-No brakes.

-What?!

ERIC: No brakes!

Aah!

Aah!

Sorry I lost her.

Oh, that's okay.

Why were you so keen to get ahold of her?

She got something I wanted at the auction.

Hoped I could make a deal with her.

ERIC: Certainly bolloxed up that ceremony back at the village.

LOVEJOY: The lady mayoress didn't look too pleased.

ERIC: She wasn't the mayoress.

She was Lord Felsham's wife.

Lady Felsham, like.

LOVEJOY: And very tasty, too.

Well, from what I saw until you covered her in pond life.

ERIC: Well, when I turn up this morning, they say you've got nicked.

Then we tear around the country like Miami Vice, and then we drench some aristocrat.

LOVEJOY: So?

ERIC: Well, so this job might not be totally boring after all.

[ Dog barking ] What's wrong?

The house.

ERIC: What about it?

I know the family.

They're away.

So?

So somebody's there.

Who shouldn't be.

ERIC: Hey, now, look, we're not going to get heroic or anything, are we?

Ruddy strange lark, this antiques business.

-[ Dog whining ] -What is it, boy?

[ Barking ] Get him!

[ Dog barking ] Police?

Lovejoy.

Help.

[ Music blaring ] Obviously, that dog belonged to the thieves.

I mean, the people wouldn't go on holiday and leave that thing in the house.

No, now, look, if it was me turning over that house, would I call up you and report my own break-in and take the lad along?

Pity you didn't get the number plate.

[ Yawning ] I know.

But that Doberman was a trained attack dog.

There can't be that many of those in this area.

Just run your eye over this lot.

For over a year now, there have been a series of systematic robberies in the whole area.

Between here and the coast, about 100 miles radius.

They're selective.

Everything's small.

-Small?

-Portable.

They're not pinching sideboards.

-Have you seen any of this lot?

-No.

Believe me, I'd know.

Some very tasty little items here.

Nope.

They've all gone to London or the continent or they're sleeping.

-Sleeping?

-Stashed.

These things aren't going to lose their value, are they?

They'll lose me my job if I don't come up with something.

Hmm?

Huh?

Sorry.

I must have dozed off or something.

He's had a very full and exciting day.

What do you think of this antiques business, then?

[ Sighs ] Well...

It's amazing isn't it, Eric?

Totally amazing.

[ Vehicle approaches ] You forgot your meat yesterday.

Hmm?

Oh, yes!

Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by that loin of pork.

[ Teakettle whistles ] Well, my dad wasn't too chuffed about last night.

Well, yesterday was not a typical day, Eric.

A typical day is filled with much more honest endeavor.

Well, what's on the agenda for today, then?

Principles of forgery.

Well, not so much forgery as restoration.

Eric, until you know something, leave antiques alone.

Never touch, handle, scrape, polish, or brush.

Always assume it's a Goya, a Chippendale, a Sheraton, or a Michelangelo until you're proved otherwise.

What's this going to end up as, then?

A lustrous oak 17th century Bible box.

Well, what is it now?

A rather dull, brown 19th century Bible box.

So what do I do, then?

LOVEJOY: You, Eric, help create a demand for what we have to sell.

How?

By placing this ad in tomorrow's paper.

"Wanted urgently, English Bible box.

Oak preferred, 17th century or earlier."

I don't get it.

LOVEJOY: Well, it's what we call doing a breeder.

Now, tomorrow, a lot of dealers will have read that ad, right, so my Bible box will be in great demand when I flash it down the arcade.

So I don't put your name on, then.

Of course you bloody don't!

Well, whose then?

LOVEJOY: I don't know.

Anybody's.

Stick a pin in a directory.

Just so long as I sell my box to a dealer, I don't care.

Oh, and, Eric, I wouldn't tell your father about this if I was you.

[ Cows mooing ] ERIC: Ah!

There's all cows in the yard.

I know.

[ Mooing ] Thank you, Eric.

AMANDA: Hey, Lovejoy, what's happening, then?

Amanda, please.

You're almost naked.

Oh, knock it on the head, Charlie.

If you've come about the cows, you're wasting your breath.

Thanks, Charlie.

Look, that tract belongs to me, and I've leased the right of way to the local farmer.

I've given up on the cows.

I dropped by to ask you about something else.

The auction, there was a girl there, very pretty, petite, great hair, about 25.

Do you know her?

I've seen her around.

The Yachting Club, the odd restaurant with Frank Devlin.

Devlin?

Nasty sort, from what I've heard.

Very nasty if you're after his bird.

No.

She got something I wanted.

I could lay it off in London.

-Hello.

-Hi.

Mm!

Oh, you are beautiful when you're wet.

Did you know that?

All right, don't throw yourself at him.

I'm going down the Yew Tree.

Will you come and have a jar, Lovejoy?

I've got a Bible box waiting for me, darling.

Some other time.

-I'll hold you to that.

-All right.

Constant source of worry, my sister.

Oh, she's all right, Charlie.

It's called youth, remember?

It's no excuse for promiscuity and dyeing your hair green and... And what?

She just did it to wind me up.

Did what?

Come on, tell me.

Had a butterfly tattooed on her left buttock.

Well... A very pretty butterfly, Charlie.

[ Knock on door ] [ Coughs ] [ Rattling ] Mr. Lovejoy?

Lovejoy.

No "mister."

Come in.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I wasn't expecting anybody.

Please, don't bother.

Okay.

My name's Nicola Page.

I'm delighted.

I went to that pub where all the antiques people hang out, The Woolpack.

They gave me your address.

They must have had a few.

They're not usually that benevolent.

They said you were a divvie, whatever that means.

That's someone who can tell a genuine antique at a glance.

No research.

No catalogues.

Just instinct.

That's all.

I would have imagined a person with such a gift might have lived a little better.

LOVEJOY: All this is just a front.

Keeps up my street credibility.

My real homes are in Gstaad and Monte Carlo.

Oh, yes, that is lovely.

A genuine Oiran firefly cage.

Oiran?

LOVEJOY: She was a courtesan.

She used to catch fireflies in her master's garden, and when they made love, they'd do so by the light from the fireflies in the cage.

If you didn't know anything about it, why the hell were you so keen to get it?

Because of this.

I've seen some coal carvings in my time, but nothing quite so fragile.

Who did this?

Someone I knew.

For reasons I'm not about to tell you, I think the coal one contains a clue to something.

When I found out it was modeled on a Japanese firefly cage, I've been trying to find one ever since.

Yesterday I did.

Hoping it would give you a clue.

NICOLA: It hasn't.

That's why I'm here.

I'll make it worth your while.

I'll pay you.

It looks like you need money.

[ Sighs ] This has been lacquered, perhaps to hide any lines that have been drawn round the cage.

That's clever.

See, the whole thing is its own key.

Nothing inside.

NICOLA: What are you doing?

LOVEJOY: Shh.

Sorry.

Nothing.

Nothing.

NICOLA: [ Sighs ] LOVEJOY: If your interest has faded in the original, I've got this buyer in London.

Good night, Mr. Lovejoy.

It's Lovejoy.

[ Door closes ] -Everything all right, Brian?

-Oh, aye.

You know, my truck's getting quite attached to your old motor.

If it's not towing it, it's starting it.

Will it get me to the estuary?

Oh, yeah.

Good.

BRIAN: I shouldn't think it'll get you back, though.

LOVEJOY: Did the police come and see you about that silver?

DRUMMER: Yeah.

I could only tell them what I told you.

I found it out there at low tide.

Reckon it came off a boat.

I told them not to bother.

Oh, that's all right.

I welcome a bit of company, even if it's Lilly Law.

I couldn't sell it, as it was stolen.

Yeah, one of life's bitter ironies, son.

Cheers.

Cheers, Drummer.

You used to do a bit of coal carving, didn't you?

Mm.

I still got a few.

You can't get the right sort of coal tar these days.

I sells them, though.

Now and again.

They're horrible.

Diabolical, I agree.

I saw a coal carving that was so intricate and clever it blew me away.

Who would have done it, Drum?

George Hepplestone.

I knew him well in the old days.

Then he stopped seeing me.

Later, he made a few bob.

He got too posh.

Never take up with the posh, Lovejoy.

Where does he live?

Lesser Cornard.

The other side of the estuary.

-Got rich, did he?

– DRUMMER: Yeah.

And he didn't make it carving coal, neither.

Lovejoy.

What the devil are you doing up here?

Well, I might ask you the same question.

Me?

That's my boat, son.

Oh, yes, The Waverley.

32 footer.

Nice little job.

Thought you kept it down Burnham way.

I brought it up for a paint job.

Yard up here's much cheaper.

What are you doing round here anyway?

Taking the air, Charlie.

It's good for the soul.

Oh, I did my soul some good this morning.

Brought some jade.

Superb.

Look, why don't you drop in tomorrow and scan it for me?

Hello.

Mrs. Hepplestone?

Yeah.

Lovejoy.

Lovejoy Antiques.

Oh.

I was hoping you were the man we called to fix the Aga.

Oh, I can't help you there, I'm afraid, but I can tell you if it's an original or not.

Now, what exactly is it that you want?

I'm trying to trace some superb coal carvings which I think your husband made.

Is he around?

My husband died two months ago, Mr. Lovejoy.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize.

No, no, that's all right.

It's just that George never sold any of his carvings.

So I wonder how you came to know about them.

From an old character called Drummer.

Knew your George in the old days.

I've never seen one myself.

I don't think that's strictly true.

No, it's a bloody lie.

MRS. HEPPLESTONE: You see, Nicola is my daughter.

George's stepdaughter.

I knew of her visit to you.

We had hoped the carving held some sort of secret.

But that was our business.

Quite honestly, I can't see what business it is of yours.

Well, my business is antiques, and anything as clever and intricate as that carving I'm naturally interested in.

I'd still like to make a deal on the cage.

I've got a tickle in London pay a few bob.

50/50.

Forget it, Lovejoy.

And forget this, too.

Nicola!

There's nothing in it, Mother.

But it was a keepsake.

LOVEJOY: It's also a work of art.

No one should be allowed to destroy works of art, not even a spoiled bitch like you.

You Lovejoy?

Not necessarily.

Don't fart around!

My governor would like to see you.

Mr. Devlin.

Just follow me, right?

You work for Mr. Devlin, hmm?

Right.

Sales manager?

[ Dog barking ] Hello.

Nice dog.

DEVLIN: Yeah, you need a dog like that.

There's a lot of valuable gear here.

I wouldn't know.

No, my business is antiques, not combine harvesters.

I know sod all about antiques myself.

But my late friend George Hepplestone dabbled in them.

Friend of Hepplestone's, were you?

Yeah.

And I'm still a friend of his widow and his stepdaughter, young Nicola.

And apparently, you've been upsetting them.

Upsetting them in their hour of grief.

That what they said?

Never mind what they say or they don't say.

You've been round there, right?

Just pursuing my trade with my usual tenacity.

Well, just pursue your trade elsewhere.

Are you threatening me, Mr. Devlin?

Yeah.

Now, piss off!

All right.

[ Telephone rings ] [ Music blaring ] Lovejoy Antiques.

Dealer to the stars.

LOVEJOY: What?

Oh, hello, Lovejoy.

I was just being playful.

LOVEJOY: Not in the mood for jokes, Tink.

Anybody call?

TINKER: A Lady Felsham called.

Wants you to get in touch with her.

Lady Felsham?

What's that about?

TINKER: Oh, about antiques, I hope.

Unless she's another of your belles de nuit.

Oh, please.

JANE: Yes?

Apparently, I have been summoned by her ladyship.

Have you come to repair something?

LOVEJOY: Probably the Aga.

Lovejoy.

Jane Felsham.

Sorry about the dirty wellies.

I didn't realize we'd be so formal.

I'm expecting dinner guests.

You're much more likely to find me in wellies than in a dress like this.

Well, your Princess Di outfit was fairly formal.

That little number you wore the other day when you unveiled a plaque or something.

You were there?

Passing through.

JANE: Well, that outfit was ruined by some maniacs on a motorcycle.

However, I don't do all that many unveilings.

Would you like a drink?

I'd love one.

Could you do the honors?

Certainly.

Would you like to tell me why I'm here?

"Wanted urgently, English Bible box.

Oak preferred, 17th century or older.

Please call Felsham Hall," et cetera, et cetera.

I was naturally rather confused by this.

I made a few inquiries and discovered the ad was actually placed by you.

Or rather, some associate of yours called Eric.

Oh, yes, Eric.

An associate of mine whom I shall later strangle.

I'm sorry.

No, it's just a devious little ploy of mine, which wasn't meant to include you.

I imagine it's you who has a Bible box.

Know much about antiques, do you?

I'm a decorator.

I do know a little about dealers.

I've heard your name.

I suppose it's surprising we haven't run across each other before.

Well, actually, I have run across you, Lady Felsham.

Oh?

On a motorbike.

Cheers.

JANE: This place is full of stuff I've been meaning to get appraised.

Not terribly keen on pewter.

What do you think?

Oh, it's William the Third.

Original?

Well, it screams it, love.

Modern copies don't have that pewter sheen like a sunset on the marshes.

You're a romantic so-and-so, aren't you?

One of a dying breed.

I think I like you, Lovejoy.

MRS. CAMERON: Shall we serve dinner quite soon, Lord Felsham?

I think I'd better find my wife first, Mrs. Cameron.

Here.

[ Laughs ] Good, Lord.

We've done a whole Moet.

ALEXANDER: Jane?

What are you doing?

I'm in the attic, Alexander!

Drinking champagne with a total stranger.

Oh, very well, darling, but our guests are getting rather peckish.

[ Both laugh ] Well, they didn't mark the face too much, dear heart.

You look no worse than you usually do.

They must have marked me everywhere else.

Mind you, I didn't feel much last night because I was half-pissed on Lady Jane's champagne.

Well, you told me to pick a name at random.

Yes, drink does deaden pain.

That's one of the reasons I imbibe so frequently.

At least it shows I'm onto something.

Look, Tink, when I was chasing around after the firefly cage and the coal carving, I was doing it simply to satisfy my curiosity and greed.

I mean, after I'd seen Mrs. Hepplestone, I was going to call it a day.

Then I get the shit beaten out of me.

I thought this antique game was just about brass rubbings and things.

Now, I'm going to check out Drummer again.

You find out more about this George Hepplestone.

[ Engine clanking ] [ Engine stops ] [ Horns honking ] Need any help?

Lady Felsham.

Always loved the smell of the county class.

Expensive perfumes, Range Rovers, manure.

Always had a thing about upperclass girls ever since I picked up a copy of "Tatler" in a dentist's waiting room.

All these shiny creatures with long necks pouting at May balls and all with names like Sabrina, Miranda, Natasha.

And where does Lovejoy come from?

Oh, shrouded in mystery, darling.

JANE: Apparently, you're terribly clever, from what I've heard.

Which makes me wonder why you're so... threadbare.

Well, the former Mrs. Lovejoy took the house and a generous settlement.

I also pay ridiculous school fees for a daughter who I adore.

Then there's lots of deals that got blown.

The Inland Revenue.

It's a long and tragic story.

JANE: I suppose it'll have to wait.

Where do you want me to drop you?

The estuary.

Where?

No one home.

There's no one out there.

Must be beyond the dunes.

There's a horse and cart.

[ Footsteps ] Should we go to the Coastguard station?

They'll get an ambulance.

It's too late for that.

Police are on their way.

And an ambulance.

Thank you.

DEVLIN: Well, well, well.

You do get around, don't you, Lovejoy?

Never pictured you as a man of the sea, Devlin.

Oh, I've had a boat for years, my son.

I usually park it at St. Malo or Le Touquet.

It's a bit more placid than round here.

You've been out, though?

You're an inquisitive sod, aren't you?

Yeah.

Feed it!

I don't think that's asking too much.

And maybe you should give her some exercise.

The cart is optional.

I'm supposed to be learning about antiques.

Well, she's not all that young.

The place I found Drummer can't be seen from anywhere.

There's a high sandbank that protects the view.

From his shack, the marina, the Coastguard, everything.

I'm sorry, Lovejoy.

You drag my bum down here before opening time, I'm not at my brightest.

I know, I know, but I think Drummer saw something that day.

And it's got something to do with the old gun fort.

The old what?

The Napoleonic gun fort.

We're going to have a look at it.

All we need is a boat.

[ Applause ] What do you want?

Jade.

Remember?

Ah, yes.

Right.

LOVEJOY: I need the keys to Charlie's boat.

Superb, eh?

It's jade, old son.

The miracle stone.

What did I tell you?

There's a fortune here, right?

LOVEJOY: Well, some of it's agate, and those deep-leaf green pieces are carved with one eye on the clock and some productivity man whining on about output.

But there are some really lovely pieces, Charlie.

Which pieces.

Tell me.

Moo.

All right, I'll cancel the cows.

Thanks.

And I'd like a drink.

You owe me one, Lovejoy.

Indeed, I do, Amanda.

TINKER: What about the Coastguard?

LOVEJOY: He knows me.

I took Drummer in, right?

Well, I'll start her up.

You can cast off.

TINKER: Are you sure you know how to drive this thing?

LOVEJOY: Used to have one, little 22 footer.

TINKER: I hate the sea.

If I were to sober up, I'd be petrified by the overwhelming foolishness of this enterprise.

[ Groans ] Oh, my God.

Well, let's do it, sailor.

It's crammed with antiques.

This must be where they stash the gear from the robberies until it's picked up and taken to the continent.

They must have been making a drop when old Drummer spotted them.

George Hepplestone knew about this place.

-He made that coal carving.

-He was obviously in on it.

I mean, George knew about antiques, and Devlin's a villain who provided the muscle, resources, and a boat.

We shall, of course, impart this to the police and nail the buggers.

Oh, absolutely.

We shall, of course, pick out one or two choice items first.

Sort of reward, eh?

Nobody deserves it more.

[ Beep ] Lovejoy.

Lovejoy.

This bleeping, flashing thing.

Is this a radar?

Yeah.

Well, there's something on it, and it's getting closer.

There.

There's the bastard.

They're going to kill us, Lovejoy.

You take the wheel.

What are you going to do?

Clean up Charlie's boat before they blow us all to kingdom come?

You got any booze left in that flask of yours, Tink?

Oh, there's very little, I'm afraid.

[ Laughs ] This one's full, though.

They're coming in again.

You got a light, Tink?

No, no, no.

I mean a bloody match, a lighter, anything.

[ Coughs ] That was the hospital.

Devlin and his couple of boneheads are comfortable.

Fairly badly burned and bruised.

Otherwise, in the worst of spirits.

LOVEJOY: Then why the hell are we still here?

We've saved some of the nation's glorious antiquities.

Saved some of the nation's antiquities for yourself, didn't you?

Is that what the charge against us is?

MASLOW: That and stealing a boat.

Of course it's up to Charlie Gimbert if he wants to press those charges.

There do seem to be several questions to be answered regarding the involvement of you two gentlemen.

We shall therefore defer to the police request that you be held in custody pending further investigations.

I shall, of course, allow bail if it is forthcoming.

[ Door opens ] DRABBLE: Excuse me, sir.

Bail has been offered.

Oh, really?

By whom?

By your wife, sir.

[ Crowd murmuring ] Ah.

Thank you.

I didn't know who else to call.

I'm not sure being your friend is such a wise move.

Fancy ruddy Lovejoy knowing that Lady Felsham.

She's the one we've just asked to open our new rifle range.

Uh, Colin?

What?

Wasn't there a silver powder box?

[ Cows mooing ] Charlie Gimbert's just turned up!

Right.

Get the Bible box.

Quick.

Eh?

Why?

Just get it.

Hello, Charlie.

You destroyed my boat.

Only one side of it.

And you said that fella up here does a cheap job.

Don't smart-ass me, Lovejoy.

You stole that boat, and unless you can come up with the scratch, which I know you can't, the charges will stick.

-Oh, give me a break, Charlie.

-Bollocks.

I haven't got anything.

Eric, would you get rid of this junk, please?

No.

No.

Don't even think of it, Charlie.

Very nice.

17th century?

No, no, no, Charlie.

This is my lifeline, my rainy day, Charlie.

This is your rainy day, Lovejoy.

-No, you wouldn't?

-I would.

No.

And drop the charges.

[ Sighs ] I haven't got much choice.

None whatsoever.

[ Laughs ] This job is amazing.

Totally amazing.

[ Both laugh ]