Lovejoy

AUCTIONEER: Who will start me at �100?

�100 for a start they want.

�100 I'm bid.

�100 I'm bid.

Who will give me �110?

Who will make it �110?

I'm looking for �110.

�110.

�110 I'm bid.

�110.

�120?

Who will make it �120?

Come on, gentlemen.

Who will make it �120?

�120 I'm bid.

It's with you, madam.

At �120.

Do I hear �150?

�150 anywhere?

Come on, gentlemen.

That's a genuine antique.

They don't come up every day.

�150.

�150 I'm bid.

�150.

Come on, gentlemen.

I'm looking for �350.

�350 anywhere?

Don't lose it, madam.

Don't lose it for another �50.

�350 anywhere?

�350 I'm bid.

At �350.

Who'll make it �400?

I'm looking for �400.

Any more?

At �350.

Are you all done?

At �350.

At �350.

[Gavel bangs] Lovejoy.

MAN: Up 10.

[Coughs] And 10.

MAN #2: Call 5.

Everybody in?

MAN: What's the score?

15,000?

You've got to be kidding.

Call up 10.

[Classical music playing] [Man singing in Italian] The auction's over.

[Turns off car radio] The auction's over!

[Turns off Def Leppard's "Photograph"] I knew I'd miss it.

I had to pick something up in Norwich for Alexander.

Where's Lovejoy?

Where?

He's doing the real business.

A ring.

-A ring?!

-Not so loud.

Not exactly legal, is it?

[Sighs] Why does Lovejoy spend half his life in seedy rooms doing seedy deals with seedy people?

Well, he's good at it, isn't he?

Call 25.

That's a quarter of a million.

LOVEJOY: Hugh, please.

You don't find Savoldo oil paintings every day, Lovejoy.

You still seeing me?

Yes.

And one hasn't found it today, Hugh.

It's a fake.

[Sighs] To some people, it's women that come first.

To others, money, ambition, survival.

For me, antiques.

Well, you could say it was revenge or greed that got me into that Venice caper, but, no, it was antiques, wasn't it?

I mean, antiques are everything.

First, last.

Forever and ever.

Amen.

I am off.

Listen, you can't leave your client in his hour of need.

My client does not need me.

He's convinced that Savoldo's for real.

Look at him.

He's gone bid-happy.

I know that look.

Call.

Up 10.

I got you one in.

What happened?

Hugh Malleson is now the proud possessor of a genuine forged copy of Savoldo's knight in a landscape.

Cheers.

He's probably already got a buyer lined up, some London tosspot who knows even less than he does.

Yeah, but someday someone's gonna suss that's a fake, and they'll find out that I was Malleson's divvy.

So?

Well, it's my reputation that'll suffer, right?

Oh, God, Lovejoy.

Don't start getting pangs of integrity at this late stage, or we'll all be out of work.

Want to run down to the... -Want a drink?

-You've been in a ring.

-Just watching.

-It's illegal.

Oh, you'd enjoy it.

No public.

No civilians.

Just a ring of hard, grubby antique dealers tapping on the table and peering through the smoke-filled atmosphere with cracked eyes and parched mouths.

Why auction things among yourselves if you've just already bought them?

We all agree that only one dealer bids at the public sale, so the price is lowered, and then we do our own thing.

You ought to be a very rich man, Lovejoy.

Well, if I was, would you marry me?

No.

Oh, is that because you don't like me or because you're married already?

It's because I'd find it frightfully boring visiting prison every week.

[Horn honks] [Engine stalls] MALLESON: Lovejoy!

It's broken, Jane.

You ran out on me.

You pay me to advise you, Hugh.

You also trust me because I'm an old friend.

We go back a long way.

Yes, I know.

Yes, and that Savoldo is a modern phony.

It's still just your opinion, old chap.

No, it's not.

I know.

Well, we can only agree to disagree on this one.

At least let me give you your fee.

No, I won't have you defraud yourself.

-Keep your money.

-All right.

I'll make it up to you sometime.

I promise.

So long, Hugh.

You're mad!

You needed that money.

Why?

It would have paid to get this fixed.

Tinker's right.

Going soft in my old age.

Where's yours?

LOVEJOY: There's old Campie.

JANE: Friend of yours, is he?

LOVEJOY: Mm-hmm.

-Shall we stop and pick him up?

-No, he's a road man.

JANE: A what?

LOVEJOY: A road man.

He gets a lift and then pretends he's on his way to see a dying friend to pick up a priceless antique.

Pretends?

You mean he's a con man like you?

Mm!

The whole idea is to get the kindly motorist interested in buying the antique for himself.

The antique which is not an antique, right?

Exactly.

No more than the dying friend is really Campie's cousin, Wally Whitmore, made up to look terminal.

[Both laugh] -Nobody would fall for that.

-You'd be surprised, Jane.

MALLESON: You look perished, Campie.

CAMPIE: Been here ages, Mr. Malleson.

Everyone at the auction's obviously beetled off by now.

MALLESON: Well, you better get in.

As long as you don't try your customary scam on me.

CAMPIE: Oh, no, sir.

Just want to get home and have me supper.

MALLESON: Dip your lights, man.

[Horn honking] Pass, then!

Go on!

Silly bugger.

[Tires screech] Are you--you all right, gov?

[Groans] What the hell?

Aah!

LOVEJOY: Where's your husband?

JANE: Shooting or fishing, something like that.

Your break.

�5 a frame.

�5?

Well, you should have taken Malleson's fee, shouldn't you?

[Sighs] Hugh's an old friend, and I don't shortchange old friends when I don't do the business for them, even if it is their fault.

[Telephone rings] For someone as unprincipled as you, you do have remarkable principles.

And you have a remarkable ass.

No, it's a genuine specimen.

It's not an antique, Lovejoy.

Not yet.

Excuse me, madam.

There's someone on the phone asking if Mr. Lovejoy's here.

You can see he is.

Yes, well, I didn't know if he was here officially.

Thank you, Mrs. C. TINKER: Listen, I'm sorry, Lovejoy, but we thought you ought to know.

We were on our way back, and we passed the accident.

Malleson and old Campie.

I'm afraid he's bought it.

No, Malleson.

He's dead.

DRABBLE: What are you doing here so late, then?

Malleson was a friend.

Came to see what happened.

Maybe you know.

Meaning what?

You tell me, sunshine.

Sergeant Drabble, if I didn't know you better, I would say you were talking to me like a suspect.

You're a prime candidate, Lovejoy.

The man was robbed of a valuable oil painting, and you are a bloke with dubious form with more than a passing interest in valuable antiques, who, according to poor old Campie, just happened to be on the same stretch of quiet road.

And I must warn you that anything you say will be taken down and contradicted flatly by my alibi.

Don't play the smartass with me.

Well, don't rubbish my reputation, Colin, eh?

I'm a little bent.

Aren't we all?

All right, lad.

Don't go for the throat.

Murder's a hell of a lot of trouble to go to for a fake.

The picture was a fake?

Yeah.

Oh, no one believed me.

MALLESON: Call up 10.

Campie-- Did he see anything?

Anybody?

Just headlights and a car he couldn't identify.

Then some hard-nose pulled him out of the Jag and brained him against the door.

Why?

Oh, nothing.

Just curious.

You know, for once I think you were wrong, Lovejoy.

Wrong about what?

The oil painting.

Seems it was valuable after all.

[Motorcycle engine revs] [Sounds of helicopter, gunfire, air-raid siren] [Def Leppard's "Comin' Under Fire" playing] What is that?

ERIC: Def Leppard!

LOVEJOY: I'm not surprised.

Switch it off.

Oh, Eric, you could give yourself irreversible brain damage listening to that.

I am a heavy metal fan, Lovejoy, and that is one of the risks that I take.

Oh.

Oh, hello, Tink.

What are you doing here?

The pubs are open.

Police have found a witness.

Bloke parked his car in a field.

Field?

Yes, a respectable dentist from Norwich having it off with his hygienist.

[Chuckles] And, of course, he reads about murder in the local rag and decides to do his duty as a responsible citizen, trusting the police to treat the whole matter in the strictest confidence.

-How'd you find out about it?

-From the police.

In the pub.

-What did he see?

-Well, he saw a car.

Flash sports job.

Couldn't see the make.

And heard a voice-- male, foreign accent.

What about that tasty American girl in the ring?

Anybody see what she drove off in?

Well, nobody in the ring's all that keen to come forward, being as how their activities are not the most legal.

I know for a fact the police can't track her down.

I doubt if they ever will.

[Line ringing] Am I speaking to Mr. Lovejoy?

Lovejoy here.

Yes, well, my name's Caterina Norman.

Blonde, sleek, casually but immaculately dressed, blue eyes, cool expression, yet with a hint of a sensual smile.

I vaguely recollect you.

Your perception of women is obviously as sharp as your knowledge of antiques.

I have less trouble with antiques.

That's why I'm calling.

Have I called at a bad time?

Well, my beef bourguignon is in danger of overcooking, but I can always open another tin.

What can I do for you?

[Sighs] Do you know what that smell is, Eric?

[Eric sniffs] ERIC: What?

LOVEJOY: Money.

Yeah, well, I hope you're gonna pay me for the petrol, Lovejoy.

40 miles that was, one way.

Why don't you go and nose 'round the village?

The old man's name is Pinder.

Find out how long they've lived here, what their game is, that sort of thing, hmm?

You use me, Lovejoy.

You do.

Eric.

Shh.

Lovejoy.

CATERINA: Mr. Lovejoy.

This way, please.

And thank you for being so punctual.

Wow.

[Whimpers] You're impressed, Mr. Lovejoy.

Oh, antiques are my drug.

I just OD-ed.

Your response is very gratifying.

Please... You seem to own a large chunk of the antique universe.

I'm told it's a world you know a great deal about.

My granddaughter drew my attention to your, uh, talents.

LOVEJOY: I didn't know she knew me that well.

PINDER: We've had a day or two to do a little research.

They call you a, um-- a divvy?

Comes from the word "divining," as in water.

And there really are such people who can detect antiques unaided?

Yes.

PINDER: Over the years, does a person just acquire this advantage?

One acquires knowledge, facts, experience.

A divvy has a gift.

Oh, how come you have this gift and you're so broke?

I mean, you owe money to several dealers, you can't pay your daughter's school fees, and you rent your house.

LOVEJOY: Did you major in research?

There are many reasons for my fiscal state.

None of them have anything to do with you.

Indeed not, Mr. Lovejoy.

Caterina, sit down.

Don't be offensive.

Nevertheless, young man, I have a proposal which I imagine would appeal to a person in your position.

A valuation?

Auction?

-Bent?

-I beg your pardon?

Illegal.

Well, there is a certain clandestine aspect to the activities.

A scam.

An antiques scam.

Not "an."

The scam.

-What?

-It's Venice.

Well, what in Venice?

Venice itself.

That's great!

How do we get it through customs?

I am in the process of acquiring everything Venetian.

What I can't get legally I'll get in other ways.

You can't steal Venice.

It's fastened to the floor of that lagoon.

-Don't be daft.

-Don't be so damn rude.

I'm serious, Mr. Lovejoy.

I'll pay you now and handsomely for an hour of your time.

-For what?

-Listen and have lunch.

WOMAN: He's lived there about four years, I think.

I know I was still at school when he moved in.

But he doesn't live there all the time.

America, mostly.

Oh, and I think Jamaica, one of the gardeners said.

[Music playing] Don't see much of him, then?

His sort don't come down here for a game of dominoes.

Do they?

Heh.

No.

Right.

-Um... -Miriam.

Eric.

-Want a refill?

-Oh, thanks.

Just a half.

Right.

Anyhow, why are you so interested?

You a copper?

Not exactly.

MAN ON RADIO: It's all very well... PINDER: It is an unfortunate man who has never seen Venice.

The Serenissima is the ultimate glory of man, the most triumphant man-made structure the world has ever known.

Paintings, architecture, sculpture.

The clothing, weapons, everything.

Everything living and vital!

I know that feeling.

You do not, young man.

For you believe that I'm talking out of greed.

On my first visit to Venice, I learned something so terrible, so near nightmare, that I've never fully recovered.

To avert that nightmare, I'm prepared to give everything I own.

Venice is sinking.

I know that feeling, too.

Grandfather, we've made a mistake.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Venice is sinking, right?

PINDER: And its treasures with it.

UNESCO has calculated that, every year, Venice loses 2% of its carvings, 3% of its paintings... 5% of its frescoes?

Mr. Lovejoy, if you were standing by the Grand Canal and you saw someone toss in a-- a Verzelini drinking glass, what would you do?

A single Verzelini would give me enough to retire on.

But I can't swim.

I'd jump in.

-I'm sure you would.

-Now, let's get this straight.

You want to rescue the treasures of Venice.

Or, um, remove them.

Now, one piece is fine.

Two would be... not beyond belief.

Any more than that, I mean, all hell would break loose.

CATERINA: Not if every item is replaced by the very best reproduction that money can buy.

What?

You'd need an army of superb forgers for that.

PINDER: My syndicate-- oh, yes, there are several of us-- already has them.

And we would very much like you to enlist and to join them in Venice.

Ah, hello.

Is Mr. Lovejoy there, please?

Well, just tell him his limousine's waiting.

CATERINA: Someone's here to collect you.

I assume you'll treat our talk in the strictest of confidence.

Oh, if I tell them this in the pub, they'll pack me off to the funny farm.

Anyway, I don't think granddad will leave too many clues behind.

Yes, well, the question is, are you with us or not?

I'll sleep on it.

One thing I don't quite understand is why you are so eager to get me on board.

Oh, well, I thought that was obvious.

Because of your gift.

Sweetheart, you met me for 20 minutes maximum upstairs at a ring.

Then you dash back to granddad and urge him to employ me.

Perhaps I'm a divvy... with men.

[Chuckles] About three years ago, Alexander and I went over to Pinder's house.

It was some sort of cocktail party.

Help yourself, Eric.

He didn't strike me as a socializer.

JANE: Oh, no.

No.

He's something of a recluse.

In fact, I think that's about the first time the local community's seen him.

But the party was for some sort of arts trust he was founding, so he had to show his face.

Oh, your friend Malleson was there, I remember.

Did you ever, um-- Did you ever meet the granddaughter?

No, I don't think so.

But I did meet a Mrs. Norman, who I think was Pinder's daughter, so she may well be Caterina's mother.

What was she like?

Rather dotty in that way that Californians are dotty.

I remember she cornered me and went on relentlessly about nutrition and pyramid power, whatever that is.

Anyway, she told me Pinder had houses in Oyster Bay on Long Island and somewhere in Jamaica.

Oh, I think she mentioned a palazzo in Venice as well.

Janey, you're a marvel.

ERIC: Hold on a minute.

I haven't done too bad either.

LOVEJOY: Of course, Catchpole.

After two hours of intensive investigation, you found out he lived there four years.

[Clock chiming] I made a date with this girl Miriam, who works in the bar.

[Exhales sharply] She's got fantastic knockers.

Don't worry.

He won't be staying to dinner.

[Loud cranking] Right.

Well, I'll take her straight back to the garage, Lovejoy.

No, take her back to my place, Brian.

I'll call you when I have the cash.

Oh, well, I won't hold me breath, then.

[Whistles] -What did you get?

-Sore feet.

TINKER: There's not a Venetian antique in the county.

-No?

-Not a sausage, old bean.

Neither real nor fake, begged, borrowed, stolen.

That frame.

MALLESON: Well, we can only agree to disagree on this one.

What frame?

That frame on the Savoldo.

It's in Pinder's house on a Dutch seascape.

Putting a fake oil in a silver-gilt frame does give it a touch of authenticity.

Supposing that's what this Caterina did.

Then she bunged it in the auction.

But Pinder showed up so she had to get it back quick, right?

Yes, but thievery's one thing, Lovejoy.

Murder is something else.

Yeah, the witness said he saw a flash sports car.

And there's a Porsche up at Pinder's.

Maybe that's why she offered me this gig so quickly.

I'm hardly likely to be forging for Granddad and airing my suspicions to the local police at the same time, am I, hmm?

[Neighing] It's absurd.

Thank you, Wendy.

LOVEJOY: Then how do you explain the frame?

I don't.

There's more than one silver-gilt frame around.

But what I've said is credible.

Yes, for argument's sake, it is.

But it's also absurd.

Well, if it's not absurd, I don't think you're the kind of people I want to work for.

Well, if it's not absurd and you don't work for us, wouldn't that make your position rather vulnerable?

Are you threatening me, Caterina?

I was only theorizing.

[Horse neighing] [Motorcycle engine revs] Caterina, isn't that your friend, Mr. Lovejoy?

CATERINA: He's hardly my friend, Grandfather.

Nevertheless, I'd have enjoyed talking to him again.

-Isn't he staying?

-No.

And he's not with us, either.

What a pity.

He'd have loved Venice and its treasures.

It appears you misjudged him, Caterina.

And now that young man knows everything I've told him.

That won't be a problem.

I hope not.

[Engine revving] It's working!

Yeah, not for long, boy.

It's your alternator, see?

Keeps packing up on you.

You never know when.

I need my car!

Yeah, well, you shall have it, boy, won't you, when you come up with the scratch.

Oh, I will!

Just take it away.

Go on, then, Reg.

I'll get it to the garage.

Hurry up.

[Horn honks] [Tires screeching] BRIAN: I mean, I checked that car out only two days ago.

There was no sign of leaking brake fluid then.

-There wasn't?

-No, there was not.

Well, if there wasn't, that means someone's out to get me.

Yeah, well, they got me instead, didn't they, boy?

I mean, if I'd have been going at full tilt, God knows what might have happened.

LOVEJOY: Do you realize all the resources that Pinder has at his disposal?

Know-how, expertise, manpower.

Money, money, more money.

Go to the police, Lovejoy.

If you're so convinced all these things add up, go to the police.

Can you imagine our local law coming up against that lot?

Eh?

-I know that look.

-What look?

The look that says you're going to be irresponsible, impetuous, vengeful, and stupid!

Janey!

Janey, what are you hinting at?

You're going to Venice, aren't you?

You sent Tinker off to sell that chair.

I was in the arcade and saw him.

He made a part exchange deal with Helen for a 19th-century wrought-iron church porch lantern, which he laid off for a tidy price with Dandy Jack.

How much, then?

Enough for an air ticket.

Send me a postcard.

WOMAN, ITALIAN ACCENT: Excuse me.

Are you with Cosul Tours?

If you're the courier, yes.

-But you're not, I think.

-I think you're right.

Worth a try.

-You'd like a ride into Venice?

-Thank you.

What happened to the tour?

Flight delay.

It's always crazy here.

Where are you going?

I need a hotel.

Small, central, and incredibly cheap.

It's no problem.

You've been to Venice before?

-Never.

-You will not believe it.

I'll give you the name of a hotel.

Cesare, the manager, he's a friend of mine.

Are you always this nice to strangers?

Ah, grazie.

[Bell chiming] [Baby crying] PINDER: Do you know what's the most shameful thing of all, Mr. Lovejoy?

It's our belief in our own permanence.

Let me tell you, permanence is only the gift of constant endeavor.

Man's priceless art treasures must be ceaselessly protected or they vanish, like Venice.

I first saw the Serene Republic 30 years ago.

I suppose it was some routine trip.

I must have been about your age.

But let me tell you that within two days, I'd bought the palazzo, and I knew it was for life.

That first year, I spent hours watching.

Watching.

Oh, but you know the feeling.

[Boat horn honking] Of course, I also watched the wretched tourists parading in and out of Salviati's next door.

[Guide speaking Italian] ...il palazzo detto dei Salviati.

PINDER: ...Salviati's, next door.

Of course, I also watched the wretched tourists parading in and out of Salviati's next door.

Within two days, I'd bought the palazzo, and I knew it was for life.

[Cat meowing] LOVEJOY: Venice is singing caged birds at canal-side windows.

Venice is inverted funnel chimneys, leaning campaniles, wrought-iron doors and grilles and flower sellers.

JANE: "Venice is bridges every few yards "and narrow alleys where you have to duck "to get under the houses.

It's patchy areas of din, tranquility to pandemonium."

He's becoming very literary, isn't he?

Well, I haven't understood a word yet.

The experience has obviously brought out the poet in Lovejoy.

LOVEJOY: It is also a man-made universe of alleys, houses, and churches crammed into a maze of canals and spread over 117 small islands.

Which does not make the job in hand any easier.

[Bell chiming] [Man laughing] [Indistinct conversations] [Glass clinks] Cheers.

[Man laughing] Sorry about this, mate.

...precisely this moment, Gilda arrived in the same direction.

Together they met at the corner.

[Laughter] Oh, no!

You should have seen their faces.

[Grunts] -Nancy, hello.

-Hello!

-Lovely to see you.

-You look wonderful.

Thank you.

Did you have a nice stay?

Absolutely superb.

Great trip over.

-Did you enjoy that?

-Oh, he's very amusing.

[Creaking] -Good evening.

I'm Miss Norman.

-Good evening.

[Water splashes] -Very nice to have you here.

Anything you need, please let us know.

No, everything's beautiful, thank you.

Fantastic.

[Squishing] [Speaking Italian] Uh, large Armagnac, large espresso, hmm?

-Hello.

-Hello.

What happened?

Oh, I took a walk and forgot I was in Venice.

[Chuckles] What a coincidence meeting you.

Or were you looking for me?

Please?

Well, my hotel is just next door, and you are here.

Well, most of my tourists stay in this area.

I was working late, so... Oh, it's just wishful thinking.

-Just what?

-That's an English expression.

It means that I was hoping that you were looking for me.

Why?

'Cause I'm lonely and cold and wet.

Ah, grazie, signor.

Well, if you are lonely, then you should come on one of our tours.

Oh, I don't like tours.

I don't like groups.

I'd rather find out things for myself.

Oh, beh.

If you change your mind, the first tour starts at 9:30.

Buona notte.

LOVEJOY: Any chance of you and I doing the best bars in Venice one night?

molto bellina, eh?

LOVEJOY: Oh, si, si.

Uh, she, uh... the young lady.

Does she come in here, this caf, often?

Mai.

What, never?

Mai.

[Speaking Italian] How cute is she, Lovejoy?

Just remember, Italian women do tend towards chubby in middle age.

Maybe she's a little too cute.

She latched on to me at the airport and keeps showing up.

Another helpless female falls for Lovejoy's transparent charms.

Afraid not.

I think I'm under surveillance.

That means they know you're there.

Could be.

Anyone been asking for me at home?

Only Caterina.

Terribly unsubtle, I thought, for a femme fatale.

She was in the pub last night.

Tinker called me.

Can't be her.

I saw her last night.

That's impossible.

She couldn't have been in two places at once.

[Indistinct chatter] [Speaking Italian] Lovejoy.

[Speaking Italian] -Lovejoy.

-Giuseppe.

-Caff?

-Bene, bene.

Grazie.

-Are you coming on the tour?

-No, no.

I just dropped in.

OK. Will you excuse me for a moment?

Sure.

[Conversation in Italian] -Caff nero, eh?

-No, no, grazie.

COSIMA: Good-bye.

GIUSEPPE: Ciao.

[Speaking Italian] COSIMA: I said, good-bye.

Lovejoy, good-bye!

I'm coming with you!

Oh, boy.

Good.

[Giuseppe continues in Italian] Good morning.

This way, please.

Can you come this way, please?

Everybody, come this way.

Right.

This, as you must know, is the Piazza San Marco, the most famous piazza in Venice.

But it was not always... LOVEJOY: First time in Venice?

Uh-huh.

Not the last, I hope.

-Breathtaking, isn't it?

-Mm.

-My name's Lovejoy.

-Nancy.

Nancy Bligh.

[Australian accent] Hello.

I'm Gerry.

-This is my friend Keith.

-Hi.

-Uh, you a Brit?

-Thought you called us Poms?

Yeah, well, we haven't had a drink yet, so we're still relatively polite.

[Laughter] Ha!

This way, please.

Everybody, come this way.

Quickly, please.

-Where are you from, Nancy?

-Los Angeles.

LOVEJOY: You vacationing alone?

No.

I'm here on business.

I came ahead of my boss.

And what's his line?

He has a postproduction company.

Videos, promos.

You know the kind of thing.

-Oh, I see.

-Hey, we'd better catch them up.

[Bell chiming] COSIMA: This way, please.

LOVEJOY: They say that when old Galileo first invented the telescope, the doge told him to keep schtum about it, not to mention a word to anyone.

Then the two of them went up to the top of the campanile, looked through it, saw what spice ships were coming home long before anyone else, nipped downstairs and made a quick killing on the stock exchange.

Ha ha!

It doesn't say that in any guidebook.

The best bits are never in the guidebooks.

Oh, I think we've lost our guide.

You're better off with me anyway.

You know, Lovejoy, we should be getting back to the others.

-Jesus.

-What?

In the 18th century, Venice abounded with artists like Canaletto, Ricci, Tiepolo, Piazzetta-- blokes who used to use the same boozer but became famous long after they were gone.

And there was an old collector who used to buy all their sketches and doodles, And on each scrap, he'd write the original artist's name in beautiful copperplate.

Nobody knows who he was, but we call him the Reliable Venetian Hand-- the RVH.

And you've found one?

Tonight you shall dine on the best pizza and wine Venice can buy.

Ha ha!

Lovejoy.

Pizza I can get in L.A. [Laughter] You know, Lovejoy, I'm real curious about you.

Why?

Maybe you're just too nice too quickly.

LOVEJOY: What, just because-- Just because I wanted to show you the joys of Venice?

Hang on.

It's your first trip to Venice, too, right?

Yes, but...

I love antiques, don't I?

Antiques are my life.

NANCY: You ask too many questions, and that make me suspicious.

LOVEJOY: You don't answer too many.

That makes me suspicious.

[Bell chiming] [Speaking Italian] -Buon giorno, Cesare.

-Scusi un momento.

Ecco.

[Speaking Italian] COSIMA: I have the day off.

I thought you would like to see Torcello.

LOVEJOY: Oh, I thought you'd want to spend your day off with someone special.

COSIMA: There is no one special.

-Cesare?

-Cesare?

He's a friend, that's all.

-OK?

-OK. First we pass Murano-- it's where the glassmakers work-- then Burano, where they make the lace, and then Torcello.

Morning, sport.

Small world, eh?

Thought we'd do the sights ourselves, as it's the little sheilas' rest day.

I didn't think Venice would be an Aussie's scene.

Oh, it's not mine, mate.

Keith's the sensitive one.

He likes everything arty-farty, does Keith.

Gerry's into engines.

Yeah, that's what's missing in Venice, Lovejoy.

Engines!

You should try Dusseldorf, then.

KEITH: Oh, that's nice.

[Camera shutter clicks] -Oh, yeah.

-Oh, no.

-Keith.

-Yeah?

I think these two want to be alone.

Oh.

[Camera shutter clicks] COSIMA: During the war, that was a munitions factory.

No one's lived there since.

-What does that sign say there?

-They're warnings of poison.

There are many rats here.

They call this place Rat Island.

Oh, forget the picnic, then.

Oh, come on.

[Laughs] [Camera shutter clicking] [Monks chanting] What are you thinking?

I think you live too much inside your head.

Well, when you see something like this, it really puts you away for a while.

You know, someone who likes beauty as much as you do cannot be such a bad person.

Did the people who told you to watch me say I was bad, hmm?

What?

Well, you latched on to me at the airport.

I thought you were being nice to a stranger, but it worried me when you didn't meet any tourists.

The flight was delayed.

Then you take me to a hotel which is run by a friend of yours.

And then you turn up at 1: 00 in the morning sipping cognac in a bar you've never set foot in before.

-I was-- -I want to be with you.

I think, today, you want to be with me.

But we've got to be straight with one another.

[Sighs] GERRY: We seem to have lost the happy couple.

KEITH: Yeah.

I wonder where they are.

So the people you work for suggested this trip?

They just asked that I keep with you as much as possible.

But I, too, I-- I like to be with you.

"They."

Who are they?

Miss Norman.

She's my best client, so I did not refuse.

Miss Norman who lives at the Palazzo Malcontento.

Si.

You see, she pays for many people to come to Venice through Cosul Tours.

Don't know why because they're all rich--very rich.

But she takes care of all travel, hotels-- And Nancy, the American woman, is one of these?

Yes, that's right.

Mi dispiace.

They asked you to stick with me.

Doesn't mean to say you can't enjoy it.

The boat will leave soon.

There's always another boat.

Hmm?

[Bell chiming] When there are no tourists, people only come here for the duck shooting.

In the old days, the doge of Venice would give five ducks to the noble families every Christmas.

I'm on the side of the ducks.

Let's go through here.

[Gunshot]