Live From Lincoln Center

PBS Arts Theme Music

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DIES DOWN

OVERTURE

APPLAUSE

UPBEAT MUSIC BEGINS; MEN SHOUTING

MEN

COLORED FOLKS WORK ON THE MISSISSIPPI COLORED FOLKS WORK WHILE THE WHITE FOLKS PLAY LOADIN' UP BOATS WITH THE BALES OF COTTON GITTIN' NO REST TILL THE JUDGMENT DAY

WOMEN

DROP THAT BALE AND HAVE SOME FUN THERE'S A LOT O' LOVIN' ON THE LEVEE FOR YOU YOU WORK ALL DAY, YOU GET NO FUN WE KNOW SOMETHIN' BETTER FOR A FELLER TO DO

ALL

COLORED FOLKS WORK ON THE MISSISSIPPI COLORED FOLKS WORK WHILE THE WHITE FOLKS PLAY

MEN

LOADIN' UP BOATS WITH THE BALES OF COTTON GITTIN' NO REST TILL THE JUDGMENT DAY

ALL

COTTON BLOSSOM, COTTON BLOSSOM LOVE TO SEE YOU GROWIN' FREE WHEN THEY PACK YOU ON THE LEVEE YOU'RE A HEAVY LOAD TO ME! COTTON BLOSSOM, COTTON BLOSSOM LOVE TO SEE YOU GROWIN' WILD! ON THE LEVEE, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY FOR THIS POOR BLACK CHILD!

ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY

ALL

LORDY, MY FEET SHO' IS KILLIN' ME THIS MORNING. GOOD MORNING, QUEENIE. MORNIN', MASSA STEVE. HEY THERE, NIGGA. WHERE Y'ALL GET THAT BROOCH YOU'RE WEARING? YOU MEAN THIS SCRUMPTIOUS PIECE OF JEWELRY? IT WAS GIVE TO ME. WHO GIVE IT TO YOU? ASK ME NO QUESTIONS, I'LL TELL YOU NO LIES. THAT MAN! ASKIN' ME WHERE I GETS MY JEWELRY!

QUEENIE

HMMPH!

ALL

COLORED FOLKS WORK ON THE MISSISSIPPI COLORED FOLKS WORK WHILE THE WHITE FOLKS PLAY LOADIN' UP BOATS WITH THE BALES OF COTTON GITTIN' NO REST TILL THE JUDGMENT DAY COTTON BLOSSOM, COTTON BLOSSOM LOVE TO SEE YOU GROWIN' WILD! ON THE LEVEE, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY FOR THIS POOR BLACK CHILD! OH! THE PICTURE ON THE LEFT IS JULIE LaVERNE, THE LEADING LADY. MY, ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL? HEE HEE! HEY! WHAT YOU DOIN' WITH MISS JULIE'S PICTURE? NEVER MIND WHAT I'M DOIN' WITH IT. I'M GONNA SHOW HER SHE CAN'T GIVE MY PRESENTS AWAY!

GIRLS LAUGHING

BEAUS

WHAT A PRETTY BEVY! AH, THERE! AH, THERE! THE FAIREST OF THE FAIR! TO SOUTHERN BEAUTY EV'RY BEAU MUST BOW!

MISSES

HOW YOU LOVE TO FLATTER YOU ROGUES! YOU ROGUES! OH, GOODNESS GRACIOUS! THEY'RE SO FLIRTATIOUS! YOU NAUGHTY FELLOWS SEEM TO THINK YOU PLEASE US WHEN YOU TEASE US SO YOU'RE A RECKLESS LOT WE KNOW!

BEAUS

SEE! THE SHOW BOAT THAT'S OLD CAPTAIN ANDY'S "COTTON BLOSSOM", WILL YOU GO? LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE SHOW!

MISSES

'TWILL BE DELIGHTFUL BUT TO RIGHTFULLY ACCEPT, I HAVE TO MAKE MAMA TO GET PERMISSION FROM PAPA!

BEAUS AND MISSES

CAPTAIN ANDY HAS GATHERED A TROUPE IN THE GRANDEST OF DRAMMERS AND JOLLY COMEDIES STEPHEN BAKER, THE HANDSOMEST LEADING MAN AND BEAUTIFUL JULIE LaVERNE AS WELL!

ALL

COTTON BLOSSOM, COTTON BLOSSOM CAPTAIN ANDY'S FLOATING SHOW! LOVE TO SEE YOU GROWIN' FREE THRILLS AND LAUGHTER, CONCERT AFTER WHEN THEY PACK YOU ON THE LEVEE EV'RYBODY'S SURE TO GO! YOU'RE A HEAVY LOAD TO ME COTTON BLOSSOM, COTTON BLOSSOM CAPTAIN ANDY'S FLOATING SHOW! LOVE TO SEE YOU GROWIN' WILD THRILLS AND LAUGHTER, CONCERT AFTER ON THE LEVEE, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY GET YOUR GIRL AND GO! FOR THIS POOR BLACK CHILD SO GET YOUR GIRL AND GO SO LET THAT WHISTLE BLOW

APPLAUSE

WOMAN

ANDY! ANDY HAWKS!

APPLAUSE

WOMAN

AH! DRAT THAT MAN! HE'S NEVER AROUND. YOU LOOKIN' FOR CAPTAIN ANDY? YES, WINDY. HAVE YOU SEEN HIM? NOPE. WELL, IF YOU AIN'T SEEN HIM, WHY'D YOU ASK ME WHY I WAS LOOKIN' FOR HIM? UGH! YOU WEATHERBEATEN OLD BUZZARD. I'M GONNA TELL MY HUSBAND TO GET A NEW PILOT. YOU DON'T HAVE SENSE ENOUGH TO HAUL A LOG BARGE!

PIANO PLAYING

WOMAN

IS THAT YOUR LITTLE GIRL PLAYING THE PIANO? YEAH. AIN'T SO LITTLE ANYMORE. 18 THIS COMIN' AUGUST. I BROUGHT A CHOCOLATE CAKE FOR CAPTAIN ANDY. AND I BROUGHT SOME PLUM JELLY FOR HIM. WELL, HE AIN'T AROUND. LORD KNOWS WHEN HE WILL BE. AH! HERE HE COMES! OH, HOPE TO SEE YOU AT THE SHOW TONIGHT. HELLO. HELLO. COME ONE, COME ALL. HI. HOW ARE YOU, HONEY?

WOMEN

CAPTAIN ANDY, CAPTAIN ANDY HERE'S YOUR LEMON CAKE AND HOMEMADE CANDY OHH! QUINCE PRESERVE AND APPLE BRANDY MAMA SENDS HER BEST REGARDS TO YOU CAPTAIN ANDY, CAPTAIN ANDY WE'VE BEEN HEARING ALL ABOUT YOUR DANDY SHOW IS THIS YEAR'S GOOD AS LAST YEAR? WON'T YOU TELL US WHAT IS NEW? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WANT YOU TO MEET SOME OF THE GREATEST ARTISTES THAT EVER PLAYED THE RIVER TOWN... MISS ELLIE MAY CHIPLEY, THE TOAST OF CAIRO, ILLINOIS. C'MON, ELLIE! HA HA HA! NEXT, I WANT Y'ALL TO MEET FRANK SCHULTZ. MR. SCHULTZ IS THE VILLAIN IN OUR PLAY...

MEN AND WOMEN BOOING

WOMEN

HA HA! BUT OFFSTAGE, HE'S MEEK AS A LAMB, AND WOULDN'T HURT A FLY, AND HE'S STUCK ON ELLIE. HA HA HA! NOW, FOLKS, I WANT YOU TO MEET THE LITTLE SWEETHEART OF THE SOUTH-- OUR LEADING LADY, MISS JULIA LaVERNE.

APPLAUSE

ANDY

Y'ALL KNOW HER, Y'ALL LOVE HER. WHAT MORE CAN I SAY? AND WE HAVE ANOTHER FAMOUS ORNAMENT OF THE STAGE WITH US-- MR. STEPHEN BAKER, THE HANDSOMEST LEADING MAN IN THE MIDDLE WEST! HA HA! SO, HERE WE ARE, FOLKS, JUST ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY! AWW! AWW! LOOK'T WE GOT! LOOK'T WE GOT! HOW CAN WE FAIL? HOW CAN WE FAIL? YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A SHOW LIKE THIS BEFORE! WE'LL TRY TO MAKE THE EVENING BRIGHT AND IF YOU COME AROUND TONIGHT TOMORRER NIGHT, YOU'LL COME AROUND FOR MORE!

MEN AND WOMEN

CAPTAIN ANDY, CAPTAIN ANDY YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE A SHOW SOUND DANDY

ANDY

FRANK AND ELLIE, COME ON, LET'S SHOW 'EM JUST A SAMPLE OF YOUR SOFT-SHOE DANCE! CAPTAIN ANDY, CAPTAIN ANDY JUST A SAMPLE WHAT A MAN, MY LAND HE GIVES AWAY HIS SHOW FOR NOTHIN' JUST A SAMPLE OF THE DANCE

LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING

ANDY

LOOKIN' OUT TO SEA. HA HA HA! WELL, THERE YOU ARE, FOLKS. JUST A SAMPLE. AND DON'T FORGET OUR BILL TONIGHT--"THE PARSON'S BRIDE." THAT BEAUTIFUL MELODRAMMER OF TEARS AND LAUGHTER. CONCERT AFTER THE SHOW. BRING THE CHILDREN. COME ONE, COME ALL! HEY, JULIE. THAT'S A HELL OF A THING TO DO. GIVIN' MY PRESENT TO A NIGGA! PETE, IF STEVE EVER KNEW ABOUT YOU SENDING ME THAT BROOCH, I DECLARE, I JUST ABOUT BEAT YOU TO DEATH. WELL, HE BETTER NOT TRY. AND YOU BETTER BE PRETTY NICE TO ME, OR YOU'LL BE MIGHTY SORRY. I TOLD YOU TO KEEP AWAY FROM MY WIFE. I RECKON I WON'T DO ANY MORE TALKIN' ABOUT IT!

JULIE

STEVE, NO! OHH! COME HERE! UHH! COME HERE. OHH! NO! LET ME GO! NO, I'LL KILL HIM! GET ON THAT BOAT! JUST WAIT! I'LL GET YOU TWO FOR THIS. AND I KNOW HOW I CAN DO IT. AND WHEN I START IT, YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU WERE EVER BORN! WELL, THERE YOU GO, FOLKS. THE BOYS JUST SHOWED YOU A SCENE FROM ONE OF OUR BILLS. HA HA HA HA! THAT'S THE WAY THEY ARE, FOLKS. ALWAYS SKYLARKING, ALWAYS PLAYING PRANKS. JUST ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY.

ALL

COTTON BLOSSOM, COTTON BLOSSOM CAPTAIN ANDY'S FLOATING SHOW! THRILLS AND LAUGHTER, CONCERT AFTER GET YOUR GIRL AND GO! HUMPH! NICE GOIN'S ON. AW, COME ON. IT WASN'T JULIE'S FAULT, PARTHY. AND YOU PROTECTIN' HER! THE ONE THING I'M GRATEFUL FOR IS MAGNOLIA WASN'T HERE. OH, SO AM I. AND I'LL BE GRATEFUL FOR SOMETHING ELSE, MISS LaVERNE. I'LL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO STOP GIVING MAGNOLIA PIANO LESSONS. IN FACT, I DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER MIXED UP WITH YOU OR ANYBODY LIKE YOU. OH, MRS. HAWKS, PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT. NOLA'S LIKE A LITTLE SISTER TO ME OUTSIDE OF STEVE, I DON'T LOVE ANYBODY LIKE I LOVE NOLA. MR. HAWKS, IF I HAVE TO STOP SEEING HER, I JUST CAN'T STAY ON THE "COTTON BLOSSOM". I JUST...CAN'T! NOW YOU DONE IT. NOW YOU DONE IT. BEST LEADING LADY ON THE RIVER. OH, CAPTAIN ANDY. IF JULIE GOES, WILL YOU GIVE ME A CHANCE AT THE LEADS? I'D LOVE TO TAKE A CRACK AT A SERIOUS PART. I'D BE A SENSATION IN THE DRAMMER.

LAUGHTER

ALL

ELLIE, THERE ISN'T A FUNNIER GIRL ON THE RIVER THAN YOU ARE. OH, CAPTAIN ANDY, DON'T! DON'T STAMP YOUR FOOT DOWN ON REAL ACTIN' ABILITY! LEAVE GO MY HUSBAND'S ARM! AND YOU! YOU THINK MORE ABOUT YOUR SHOW BOAT TROUPE THAN YOU DO ABOUT YOUR OWN DAUGHTER'S UPBRINGING! IN MASSACHUSETTS, WHERE I COME FROM, NO DECENT BODY WOULD TOUCH THIS SHOW BOAT RIFF RAFF WITH A 10-FOOT POLE, LET ALONE HAVE THEIR DAUGHTERS MIXED UP WITH THEM. I'LL HAVE MORE TO SAY TO YOU LATER. OH, YOU WILL, WILL YA? HA HA! MAYBE I'LL HAVE SOME MORE TO SAY TO YOU, TOO, AS FAR AS THAT GOES, I'D JUST AS SOON HER BE FRIENDS WITH JULIE THAN ANY OTHER GAL I KNOW! MY GOD, I'LL TELL HER.

PARTHY

ANDY!!! ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HER ALL THAT RIGHT NOW? NO. I'LL TELL HER TONIGHT. LATE. ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY...BAH!! IT'S A MAN!

LAUGHTER

CHUCKLING

PARTHY

THANK YOU SO MUCH. DELIGHTED TO BE OF SERVICE, MA'AM. BACK IN TOWN, GAY? FOR A SHORT STAY... CAN'T BE MORE THAN 24 HOURS, YOU KNOW. GIVE ME TIME, CAN'T YOU? I HAVEN'T BEEN 24 HOURS STEPPING OFF THE GANGPLANK ONTO THIS WHARF, HAVE I? I CAN GET BACK ON JUST AS QUICKLY. HA HA! NO OFFENSE, GAY. JUST THOUGHT I'D REMIND YOU IN CASE OF TROUBLE. IT'D BE TERRIBLE TO HAVE YOU LOCKED UP. ALL THEM PRETTY GIRLS WOULD BE CRYIN' THEIR EYES OUT ALONG THE RIVERBANKS. WHERE YOU AIM TO GO TO FROM HERE? WHO CARES? WHO CARES WHERE I GO? CIGAR? WHAT DID YOU CALL IT? SEE-GAR.

SNIFFS

PARTHY

OPTIMIST. HUMPH! WHO CARES IF MY BOAT GOES UPSTREAM OR IF THE GALE BIDS ME GO WITH THE RIVER'S FLOW? I DRIFT ALONG WITH MY FANCY SOMETIMES I THANK MY LUCKY STARS MY HEART IS FREE AND OTHER TIMES I WONDER WHERE'S THE MATE FOR ME?

PIANO MUSIC PLAYING HESITANTLY

PARTHY

HMM... THE DRIFTWOOD FLOATING OVER THE SEA SOMETIMES FINDS A SHELTERING LEE SO, SOMEWHERE THERE SURELY MUST BE A HARBOR MEANT FOR ME I DRIFT ALONG WITH MY FANCY SOMETIMES I THANK MY LUCKY STARS MY HEART IS FREE AND OTHER TIMES I WONDER WHERE'S THE MATE - OH! HELLO! UH, HOW DO YOU DO? DO YOU LIVE HERE? OH, NO. I'M JUST A WAYFARER ALONG THE RIVER. SO AM I. WHICH WAY ARE YOU GOING? EITHER WAY. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? UH, ANYWHERE PAPA GIVES SHOWS. AH! ARE YOU A PLAYER? YOU MEAN LIKE ON THE PIANA? YES. I--I PLAY A LITTLE. OH, WAS THAT YOU I HEARD JUST NOW? YES, THAT WAS ME. WHAT A PITY.

LAUGHTER

PARTHY

WHAT DID YOU SAY, MISTER? WHEN I ASKED IF YOU WERE A PLAYER, I MEANT THAT YOU AN ACTRESS. OH! HA HA! NO! BUT I'D GIVE ANYTHING IF I COULD BE. WHY? YOU CAN MAKE BELIEVE SO MANY WONDERFUL THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. WELL, WONDERFUL THINGS DO HAPPEN. WHY, JUST THIS VERY DAY, I WAS STANDING HERE ON THE LEVEE FEELING BLUE. WHEN SUDDENLY I LOOKED UP AND... I MUST GO NOW! WHY? WELL, YOU SEE, YOU'RE TALKING TO ME, AND I DON'T KNOW YOU. HA HA! DOES THAT REALLY MATTER SO MUCH? WELL, NOT TO ME, BUT... THEY SAY IT ISN'T NICE. IF YOU LIKE TO MAKE BELIEVE THINGS, WHY CAN'T WE MAKE BELIEVE WE KNOW EACH OTHER? OH, YES! AND--AND WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER FOR 75 YEARS, AND YOU'RE MY LONG-LOST NEPHEW. THERE'S A SCENE LIKE THAT IN A PLAY CALLED "THE VILLAGE DRUNKARD"-- NO, 75 YEARS IS TOO LONG. BESIDES, I DON'T THINK I LIKE THE IDEA OF BEING YOUR NEPHEW. LET US IMAGINE THAT WE'VE JUST MET. BUT WE REALLY HAVE. YES. LET'S JUST SUPPOSE THAT WE'VE FALLEN IN LOVE... AT FIRST SIGHT. ONLY MAKE BELIEVE I LOVE YOU ONLY MAKE BELIEVE THAT YOU LOVE ME OTHERS FIND PEACE OF MIND IN PRETENDING COULDN'T YOU? COULDN'T I? COULDN'T WE? MAKE BELIEVE OUR LIPS ARE BLENDING IN A PHANTOM KISS OR 2 OR 3 MIGHT AS WELL MAKE BELIEVE I LOVE YOU FOR TO TELL THE TRUTH, I DO YOUR PARDON I PRAY, 'TWAS TOO MUCH TO SAY THE WORDS THAT BETRAY MY HEART WE ONLY PRETEND, YOU DO NOT OFFEND IN PLAYING A LOVER'S PART THE GAME OF JUST SUPPOSING IS THE SWEETEST GAME I KNOW OUR DREAMS ARE MORE ROMANTIC THAN THE WORLD WE SEE AND IF THE THINGS WE DREAM ABOUT DON'T HAPPEN TO BE SO THAT'S JUST AN UNIMPORTANT TECHNICALITY THOUGH THE COLD AND BRUTAL FACT IS YOU AND I HAVE NEVER MET WE NEED NOT MIND CONVENTION'S Ps AND Qs IF WE PUT OUR THOUGHTS IN PRACTICE WE CAN BANISH ALL REGRET IMAGINING MOST ANYTHING WE CHOOSE WE COULD MAKE BELIEVE I LOVE YOU WE COULD MAKE BELIEVE THAT YOU LOVE ME OTHERS FIND PEACE OF MIND IN PRETENDING COULDN'T YOU COULDN'T I? COULDN'T WE? MAKE BELIEVE OUR LIPS ARE BLENDING IN A PHANTOM KISS OR 2 OR 3 MIGHT AS WELL MAKE BELIEVE I LOVE YOU FOR TO TELL THE TRUTH, I DO RAVENAL? THE JUDGE WOULD LIKE TO SEE YA. WHAT FOR? NOTHIN' SERIOUS, BUT I RECKON YOU BETTER COME ALONG WITH ME AND HAVE A TALK WITH HIM. IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. I HOPE I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN... IN A LITTLE WHILE. OH, JOE! MORNIN', MISS NOLA. DID YOU SEE THAT YOUNG MAN I WAS TALKIN' TO? YEAH, I SEED HIM. SEED A LOT LIKE HIM ON THE RIVER. OH, JOE, HE WAS SUCH A GENTLEMAN. HAVE YOU SEEN MISS JULIE? I--I GOTTA TELL HER. I--I GOTTA ASK HER WHAT SHE THINKS! YOU BETTER ASK THE RIVER WHAT HE THINKS. HE KNOWS ALL ABOUT THEM BOYS. HE KNOWS ALL ABOUT EVERYTHING. DERE'S AN OL' MAN CALLED THE MISSISSIPPI DAT'S THE OL' MAN THAT I'D LIKE TO BE! WHAT DOES HE CARE IF THE WORLD'S GOT TROUBLES? WHAT DOES HE CARE IF THE LAND AIN'T FREE? OL' MAN RIVER, THAT OL' MAN RIVER HE MUS' KNOW SUMPTIN' BUT DON'T SAY NUTHIN' HE JES' KEEPS ROLLIN', HE KEEPS ON ROLLIN' ALONG HE DON' PLANT TATERS, HE DON' PLANT COTTON AN' DEM THAT PLANTS THEM IS SOON FORGOTTEN BUT OL' MAN RIVER, HE JES' KEEPS ROLLIN' ALONG YOU AN' ME, WE SWEAT AN' STRAIN BODY ALL ACHIN' AN' RACKED WITH PAIN TOTE THAT BARGE AND LIFT THAT BALE! YOU GETS A LITTLE DRUNK, AND YOU LANDS IN JAIL I GETS WEARY AND SICK O' TRYIN' I'M TIRED O' LIVIN' AND SCARED O' DYIN' BUT OL' MAN RIVER, HE JES' KEEPS ROLLIN' ALONG COLORED FOLKS WORK ON THE MISSISSIPPI COLORED FOLKS WORK WHILE THE WHITE FOLKS PLAY PULLIN' THEM BOATS FROM DAWN TILL SUNSET GETTIN' NO REST TILL THE JUDGMENT DAY

MEN

DON'T LOOK UP AN' DON'T LOOK DOWN YOU DON'T DAST MAKE THE WHITE BOSS FROWN BEND YOUR KNEES AND BOW YOUR HEAD AN' PULL THAT ROPE UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD LET ME GO 'WAY FROM THE MISSISSIPPI LET ME GO 'WAY FROM THE WHITE MAN BOSS SHOW ME THAT STREAM CALLED THE RIVER JORDAN THAT'S THE OL' STREAM THAT I LONG TO CROSS OL' MAN RIVER, THAT OL' MAN RIVER HE MUS' KNOW SUMPIN' BUT DON'T SAY NUTHIN' HE JES' KEEPS ROLLIN', HE KEEPS ON ROLLIN' ALONG LONG OL' RIVER FOREVER KEEPS ROLLIN' ON... DON'T PLANT TATERS, HE DON'T PLANT COTTON AN' DEM THAT PLANTS 'EM IS SOON FORGOTTEN BUT OL' MAN RIVER, HE JES' KEEPS ROLLIN' ALONG LONG OL' RIVER KEEPS SINGIN' THAT SONG YOU AN' ME, WE SWEAT AN' STRAIN BODY ALL ACHIN' AND RACKED WITH PAIN! TOTE THAT BARGE AND LIFT THAT BALE! YOU GETS A LITTLE DRUNK AND YOU LANDS IN JAIL

ALL

I GETS WEARY AND SICK O' TRYIN' I'M TIRED OF LIVIN' AND SCARED O' DYIN' BUT OL' MAN RIVER, HE JES' KEEPS ROLLIN' ALONG!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

INTERLUDE

ALL

HURRY ON OUTTA HERE AND GET ME SOME ICE! OK, OK. WHAT YOU DOIN' HERE, MISS NOLA? DINNER'LL BE IN 5 MINUTES. NOTHIN'. JUST WAITIN'. I WISH MISS JULIE WOULD COME. I DECLARE, IF THE KITCHEN PANTRY AIN'T THE FUNNIEST PLACE TO BE MEETIN' PEOPLE.

JULIE

NOLA? YOU THERE, NOLA? COME IN, JULIE. OH! I HAD A HARD TIME GETTING HERE. I JUST MISSED BEING CAUGHT BY PARTHY. OOH, LOOK AT QUEENIE'S BISCUITS! NOW, LOOK HERE, MISS JULIE. DINNER'LL BE IN 5 MINUTES. OH, LET ME JUST TAKE A BITE. JOE WILL HELP YOU MAKE SOME MORE. JOE DON'T HELP ME. HE'S ALWAYS TOO TIRED. IF'N THAT MAN EVER TRIED TO COOK, HE'D BE PUTTIN' POPCORN IN FLAPJACKS SO THEY'D TURN OVER BY THEMSELVES!

LAUGHTER

JULIE

SIT DOWN, JULIE. I--I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHIN'. OH, I'M DYING TO HEAR WHAT IT IS. JULIE, I'M IN LOVE. HA HA! WHAT'S THAT?

LAUGHTER

JULIE

YOU SAYS YOU'S IN LOVE? HA HA HA! WHY, YOU POOR LITTLE CRAZY GAL. GOT YOUR FIRST LONG SKIRT, NOW YOU IN LOVE! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT, HONEY, WHO IS HE? I DON'T KNOW. HE WAS STANDING ON THE WHARF, AND I WAS STANDING ON THE TOP DECK. AND HE JUST LOOKED SO DIFFERENT FROM ANYBODY ELSE AND SO, SO BEAUTIFUL. OH, YOU POOR LITTLE LAMB. JULIE, HE SAID HE LIKED ME. DO YOU THINK HE MEANT IT? WELL, I DON'T KNOW, CHILD. I DON'T KNOW AS I LIKE YOU TO GO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOME MAN NOBODY EVER HEARD OF. SUPPOSE HE TURNED OUT TO BE SOME NO-ACCOUNT RIVER FELLER? BUT IF I FOUND OUT HE WAS NO-ACCOUNT, I'D STOP LOVIN' HIM. OH, NO, YOU WOULDN'T. ONCE A GIRL LIKE YOU STARTS LOVIN' A MAN, SHE DON'T STOP SO EASY. COULDN'T YOU STOP LOVIN' STEVE IF HE TREATED YOU MEAN? NO, HONEY, NO MATTER WHAT HE DID. WHY DO YOU LOVE STEVE? I DON'T KNOW. HE'S SUCH A BAD ACTOR ON STAGE, AND HE THINKS HE'S SO GOOD. MAYBE THAT'S WHY I LOVE HIM. YOU SEE, CHILD, LOVE IS A FUNNY THING. THERE'S NO SENSE TO IT. THAT'S WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO CAREFUL WHEN IT COMES CREEPING UP ON YOU. IT'S LIKE THAT THING YOU ALWAYS SING WHEN WE TAKE OUR WALKS. OH, I KNOW. FISH GOTTA SWIM, AND BIRDS GOTTA FLY I GOTTA LOVE ONE MAN TILL I DIE CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN OF MINE THAT'S IT. TELL ME HE'S LAZY, TELL ME HE'S SLOW TELL ME I'M CRAZY, MAYBE I KNOW CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN OF MINE HOW COME Y'ALL KNOW THAT SONG? WHY? DO YOU KNOW IT, QUEENIE? AH, FOR SHO' I DOES. BUT I AIN'T NEVER HEARD ANYBODY BUT COLORED FOLKS SING THAT SONG. SOUND KIND OF FUNNY FOR MISS JULIE TO KNOW IT. WHY, JULIE SINGS IT ALL THE TIME. WELL, CAN YOU SING THE WHOLE THING? OF COURSE I CAN. WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT? OH, LISTEN, SISTER, I LOVE MY MISTER MAN AND I CAN'T TELL YOU WHY DERE AIN'T NO REASON WHY I SHOULD LOVE THAT MAN IT MUS' BE SOMETHIN' THAT THE ANGELS DONE PLANNED FISH GOTTA SWIM, AND BIRDS GOTTA FLY I GOTTA LOVE ONE MAN TILL I DIE CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN OF MINE TELL ME HE'S LAZY AND TELL ME HE'S SLOW TELL ME I'M CRAZY, MAYBE I KNOW CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN OF MINE WHEN HE GOES AWAY, DAT'S A RAINY DAY BUT WHEN HE COMES BACK, DAT DAY IS FINE THE SUN WILL SHINE! HE CAN COME HOME AS LATE AS CAN BE HOME WITHOUT HIM AIN'T NO HOME TO ME CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN OF MINE!

APPLAUSE

JULIE

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, MISS JULIE. WAS THAT YOU, MISS JULIE? THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS! HUMPH! MY MAN IS SHIFTLESS AN' GOOD FOR NUTHIN' TOO HE'S MY MAN JES' THE SAME HE'S NEVER ROUND HERE WHEN THERE IS WORK TO DO

BOTH

HE'S NEVER ROUND HERE WHEN THERE'S WORKIN' TO DO WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? THE CHIMNEY'S SMOKIN', THE ROOF IS LEAKIN' IN BUT HE DON'T SEEM TO CARE HE CAN BE HAPPY WITH JUST A SIP O' GIN WHY YOU ALL TALK 'BOUT GIN? I EVEN LOVES HIM WHEN HIS KISSES GOT GIN! HA HA! COME HERE, WOMAN. COME ON.

ALL

FISH GOTTA SWIM AND BIRDS GOTTA FLY I GOTTA LOVE ONE MAN TILL I DIE CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN O' MINE OR ELSE SHE AIN'T MY GAL, SHE'S TELL ME HE'S LAZY, TELL ME HE'S SLOW TELL ME I'M CRAZY, MAYBE I KNOW CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN O' MINE WHOO! LOOK AT THAT GAL SHUFFLE! WHEN HE GOES AWAY, THAT'S A RAINY DAY BUT WHEN HE COMES BACK, THAT DAY IS FINE THE SUN WILL SHINE! HE CAN COME HOME AS LATE AS CAN BE HOME WITHOUT HIM AIN'T NO HOME TO ME CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN O' MINE!

APPLAUSE

INTERLUDE

ALL

OH, UH, I'M--I'M GOIN' IN THE SALOON. YOU WAIT OUT HERE FOR ME, ELLIE. WHILE YOU GET DRUNK? I SHOULD SAY NOT! WHO'S GONNA GET DRUNK? I'M--I'M JUST LOOKIN' FOR A GOOD POKER GAME. IT'S ALL RIGHT. TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.

LAUGHTER

PETE

SAY, AIN'T YOU MR. VALLON, THE SHERIFF? THAT'S RIGHT. CAN WE GO SOMEWHERE WHERE WE CAN TALK PRIVATE? OVER THERE. 'LO, PETE. WHATCHA DOIN' DOWNTOWN? NONE O' YOUR BUSINESS. SAY, FRANK, WILL YOU COME WITH THE SHERIFF AN' ME? I WANT YOU TO HEAR SOMETHIN'. ALL RIGHT. OK. AREN'T YOU MISS ELLIE MAY CHIPLEY, THE FAMOUS ACTRESS? YEP, THAT'S ME. AH! MAY I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH? ME, TOO, PLEASE. WAS THAT MAN YOU WERE TALKIN' TO AN ACTOR? THAT'S HOW HE'S BILLED. OH! IT MUST BE SO EXCITIN' TO BE IN THE THEAYTER! THINK OF ALL THE ACTORS YOU MEET! YEAH, YOU MEET A LOT OF ACTORS. WHY DO STAGESTRUCK MAIDENS CLAMOR TO BE ACTIN' IN THE DRAMMER? WE'VE HEARD SAY YOU ARE GAY NIGHT AND DAY GO 'WAY! WE DRINK WATER FROM A DIPPER YOU DRINK CHAMPAGNE FROM A SLIPPER THOUGH IT SEEMS CRUEL TO BUST ALL YOUR DREAMS, STILL I MUST HERE'S THE TRUTH I TELL YOU LIFE UPON THE WICKED STAGE AIN'T EVER WHAT A GIRL SUPPOSES STAGE DOOR JOHNNIES AREN'T RAGING OVER YOU WITH GEMS AND ROSES WHEN YOU LET A FELLER HOLD YOUR HAND WHICH MEANS AN EXTRA BEER OR SANDWICH EV'RYBODY

WHISPERS

"AIN'T HER LIFE A WHIRL?" THOUGH YOU'RE WARNED AGAINST A ROUE RUINING YOUR REPUTATION WHEN YOU PLAYED AROUND A ONE-NIGHT TRADE AROUND A GREAT BIG NATION WILD OLD MEN WHO GIVE YOU JEWELS AND SABLES ONLY LIVE IN AESOP'S FABLES LIFE UPON THE WICKED STAGE IS NOTHIN' FOR A GIRL THOUGH WE'VE LISTENED TO YOU MOAN AND GRIEVE, YOU MUST PARDON US IF WE DO NOT BELIEVE YOU THERE IS NO DOUBT YOU'RE CRAZY ABOUT YOUR AWFUL STAGE I ADMIT IT'S FUN TO SMEAR MY FACE WITH PAINT CAUSING EV'RYONE TO THINK I'M WHAT I AIN'T AND I LIKE TO PLAY A DEMI-MONDY ROLE WITH SOUL! ASK THE HERO DOES HE LIKE THE WAY I LURE WHEN I PLAY A HUSSY OR A PARAMOUR YET WHEN ONCE THE CURTAIN'S DOWN, MY LIFE IS PURE AND HOW I DREAD IT! LIFE UPON THE WICKED STAGE AIN'T EVER WHAT A GIRL SUPPOSES STAGE DOOR JOHNNIES AREN'T RAGING OVER YOU WITH GEMS AND ROSES IF SOME GENTLEMAN WOULD TALK WITH REASON I WOULD CANCEL ALL NEXT SEASON LIFE UPON THE WICKED STAGE AIN'T NOTHIN' FOR A GIRL! YOU'D BE BACK THE SEASON AFTER! I'VE GOT VIRTUE, BUT IT AIN'T BEEN TESTED NO ONE'S EVEN INTERESTED LIFE UPON THE WICKED STAGE

APPLAUSE

FRANK

I'LL RAISE YOU 50. OH HO HO! I'LL SEE YOU 50. 2 PAIRS. FULL HOUSE. OHH! HA HA! I'M OUT. OHH! NO, CAN'T BE HELPED, GENTLEMEN. I'LL HAVE BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME. THE MAN WHO VENTURES WITH CHANCE IS THE MAN WHO'S ADDING THE SALT, ROMANCE TO A WORLD THAT OTHERWISE IS DARK AND DREAR THE SANE CONSERVATIVE LOT HAVE THEIR FATE SECURE IN A GUARDED SPOT OF THE WORLD THEY'RE WELCOME TO THEIR DRAB CAREER IT IS ALL WELL ENOUGH TO BE GRINNING IT IS EASY TO BE GRINNING WHILE YOUR WINNINGS GROW WHILE YOUR STACK IS GROWING BUT WHEN FORTUNE REVERSES HER SPINNING, LIFE IS NOT A-GLOWING

MEN

THAT IS WHY WE LIKE TO SEE SOMEONE WHO CAN BE UNCONCERNED AND FREE LIKE YOU I AM LOSING TODAY I WILL TAKE MY LOSS AND I'LL PAY FOR I KNOW THAT IN TIME MY LUCK WILL TURN IT'S BOUND TO TURN TILL GOOD LUCK COMES MY WAY I'LL PLAY ALONG WHILE THERE'S A GAME ON THE HIGHWAY I'LL STRAY ALONG WITH JUST THE TURN OF THE WHEEL OR THE FLIP OF A CARD AS MY GUIDE I LET FATE DECIDE IF I WALK OR RIDE WHY SIT ALONE WITH YOUR SORROW AND KILL THE DAY? THERE MAY BE SUNSHINE TOMORROW TO FILL THE DAY WHILE I'VE A HEART AND A BRAIN AND MY EBONY CANE I CAN BORROW UNTIL THE DAY WHEN GOOD LUCK COMES MY WAY NEVER VENTURE, NEVER GAIN MEN OF CAUTION, IT IS PLAIN NEVER VENTURE, NEVER GAIN MEN OF CAUTION, IT IS PLAIN FORTUNES WILL CHANGE LIKE AN APRIL DAY SO WE WILL WAIT SO I WILL WAIT TILL GOOD LUCK COMES MY WAY! TILL GOOD LUCK WILL COME MY WAY

APPLAUSE

INTERLUDE

MEN

MIS'RY'S COMIN' ROUND, DA MIS'RY'S COMIN' ROUND I KNOWS IT'S COMIN' ROUND, DON'T KNOW TO WHO

QUEENIE AND WOMEN

MIS'RY'S COMIN' AROUND, DA MIS'RY'S COMIN' AROUND WE KNOWS IT'S COMIN' AROUND, DON'T KNOW TO WHO YOU BETTER HURRY UP DAT CLEANIN'. CAP'N ANDY GONNA BE REHEARSIN' SOON. WHO YOU GIVIN' ORDERS TO, SHIFTLESS? YOU HEARED ME. NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU TODAY, QUEENIE? YOU BEEN SNAPPIN' AT ME LIKE AN OL' MUD TURTLE. I DON'T FEEL RIGHT TODAY. I'M SORRY. LEAVE ME ALONE NOW. JUST GO AN' FINISH POLISHIN' YO' RAILS.

MAN

DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO-DOO DOO DOO-DOO

WOMAN

HEAVEN KEEP DAT DEVIL AWAY

WOMEN

KEEP DAT MISERY FAR AWAY AND IF HE IS A-COMIN' TODAY

MEN AND WOMEN

HEAVEN, DON'CHA LET HIM STAY! PA AIN'T HERE YET. HE'LL BE HERE IN A MINUTE. YOU GET AT YOUR PIANNER. BUT, JULIE, I HATE TO REHEARSE TODAY. I'D RATHER SIT AND TALK WITH YOU ABOUT HIM. WELL, YOU CAN'T NOW, HONEY. I'M GONNA SLIP BACKSTAGE. I DON'T WANT YOUR MA TO KNOW WE BEEN TALKIN' TOGETHER.

QUEENIE

MIS'RY'S COMIN' AROUND SO IF YOU'VE DONE ANY WRONG THEN LIFT YO' FEET OFF DE GROUND AN' FLY AWAY

MEN

IF YOU DONE ANY WRONG JUST LIFT YOUR FEET OFF DE GROUND AN' FLY AWAY, AN' FLY AWAY WHY Y'ALL SINGIN' THAT SONG, QUEENIE? WHEN I GOT OUT A BED THIS MORNIN', I KNOWED SOMETHIN' WAS GONNA HAPPEN. WELL, WHAT HAPPENED? NUTHIN'... YET. I KNOW MISERY'S NEAR, I DON'T KNOW WHY IT IS HERE I ONLY KNOW IT'S HERE

QUEENIE

DON'T KNOW FOR WHO

MEN

DON'T KNOW FOR WHO DON'T KNOW FOR WHY

MEN AND QUEENIE

DON'T KNOW WHY THAT MISERY'S NEAR I KNOW MISERY DONE COME HERE WHEN I DIES, LET ME REST WITH A DISH ON MY BREAST SOME GIVE NICKEL, SOME GIVE DIME ALL DEM FOLKS ARE FRIENDS O' MINE

ALL

ON MY BACK, IN A HACK, IN A $40 HACK NO MORE GIN, NO MORE RUM OH, THE MISERY DONE COME! AAAH! STOP THAT ROTTEN SONG! IT'S ENOUGH TO BRING MISERY TO US ALL IF YOU KEEP SINGING LIKE THAT!

ANDY

WHAT'S THE MATTER, JULIE? ANYTHING THE MATTER? NO, I--JUST NERVOUS, I GUESS. WANT TO START REHEARSAL? WE MIGHT AS WELL. WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR ELLIE AND FRANK, LET'S SKIP ON DOWN TO ACT 3. WE'LL TAKE IT FROM WHERE YOUR SISTER GOES OUT. THAT'S YOUR CUE. YOU GOT YOUR PART? I KNOW IT. I KNOW IT.

PLAYING SLOW TUNE

ANDY

AHEM. I WONDER WHAT COULD BE-- I WONDER WHAT COULD BE KEEPING PARSON BROWN. HE PROMISED TO BE HERE BEFORE DARK, AND THE TWILIGHT IS FAST FADING INTO NIGHT. MISS LUCY, ALTHOUGH I WEAR THE GARB OF A PARSON... UH, MAY I MAKE A SUGGESTION HERE, CAP'N? I WAS THINKING IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA IF WHILE WE WAS TALKING HERE IF FRANK WERE TO PASS AROUND BACK AND PEEK IN THE WINDOW LIKE THIS.

LAUGHTER

MAGNOLIA

YOU CAN'T DO IT. ROOM'S SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SECOND FLOOR. FRANK COULDN'T LOOK IN THROUGH THE WINDOW IF IT WAS ON THE SECOND FLOOR. I DON'T THINK THAT'D BE ANY GOOD ANYWAY, UM-- JULIE LET ME STUDY HER PART. I KNOW EVERY LINE AND ALL THE BUSINESS. SO IF YOU FORGET ANYTHING, ASK ME.

PARTHY

YOU STICK TO YOUR PIANNER PLAYING, YOUNG LADY. NO PLAY-ACTIN' FOR YOU.

ANDY

AH, HERE COMES ELLIE. YOU'RE LATE. I'LL EXPLAIN LATER. WHERE'S FRANK? HE'S COMIN'. STEVE! I GOT SOMETHIN' TO TELL YOU. ALL RIGHT, STEVE. AS LONG AS FRANK IS ON HIS WAY, LET'S, UH...LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE ENTRANCE. STEVE. STEVE. UH, ALL RIGHT. UH...AHEM. "MISS LUCY, ALTHOUGH I WEAR THE CLOTHES OF A--"

MAGNOLIA

GARB! GARB. UM, THE GARB OF A PARSON, BENEATH THESE SOMBER VESTMENTS THERE IS THE HEART OF A MAN THAT BEATS FOR YOU ALONE. OH, HAMILTON!

STEVE WHISPERING

MAGNOLIA

THEY'LL BE HERE IN A MINUTE. ALL RIGHT, EMBRACE OVER. UH...THEN WHAT? AND-- AND THEN I SAY-- OH, UM... AND THEN I SAY... UH, PROMPT HER, NOLA. HAMILTON, HAMILTON, MY OWN! OH, LOOK AT JULIE! WHAT'S THE MATTER? JULIE'S

SICK. MAGNOLIA

WHAT IS IT, JULIE?

ANDY

WELL, YOU BETTER STOP REHEARSIN' AN' REST, SO YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT TONIGHT. NO--NO! I CAN'T PLAY TONIGHT. DON'T ASK ME!

PARTHY

OH! DON'T ASK ME! WE'RE PLAYING FORT ADAMS TOMORROW. IT'S THE BEST STAND WE GOT. WE PROBABLY WON'T BE ABLE TO OPEN THERE NEITHER IF SHE'S SICK AS ALL THAT. I'LL BE ABLE TO PLAY TOMORROW! SHE'LL BE FINE, AS SOON AS SHE LEAVES THIS TOWN. WELL, THAT'S A FUNNY THING. YOU SURE YOU WON'T BE FEELING BETTER BY NIGHTTIME? OH, LEAVE ME ALONE! WILL YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE? SURE, SURE, JULIE. WE'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE. HELLO, WINDY. UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WINDY

IT SEEMS THAT SKUNK PETE HAS BEEN UP TO SOMETHING. SKINNED OUT AN HOUR BACK, STREAKING TOWARD TOWN LIKE HE WAS POSSESSED. NOW, HE YANKED THAT PICTURE OF JULIE OUT OF THE FRAME ON THE LEVEE. I SEEN HIM. I TOLD YOU! WELL, I WILL KILL HIM THIS TIME!

ANDY

SHUT UP.

WINDY

NOW, I JUST STEPPED DOWN TO WARN YOU. I SEEN PETE COMING ALONG THE LEVEE WITH THE SHERIFF. HE'LL BE ALONG NOW ANY MINUTE. WELL, LET HIM COME ON BOARD. OUR LICENSE IS PAID. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? STAY RIGHT HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT I TOLD YOU. STEVE! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT KNIFE? NO, I'M NOT GONNA HURT HER, YOU FOOL. NOW, LEAVE ME BE. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. WILL SOMEBODY GO OUT AND KEEP THEM AWAY FOR A MINUTE? GIVE ME YOUR HAND, DARLING. IT WON'T HURT MUCH. AHEM.

VALLON

HELLO, WINDY. CAPTAIN HAWKS, DO YOU ACKNOWLEDGE TO BE THE OWNER OF THE SHOW BOAT? 'COURSE I DO. WHAT DO YOU WANT? WELL, CAP, I HAVE AN UNPLEASANT DUTY. I UNDERSTAND THERE'S A MISCEGENATION CASE ON BOARD. WHAT'S HE MEAN, MAMA? HOW'S THAT? CASE OF A NEGRO WOMAN MARRIED TO A WHITE MAN. CRIMINAL OFFENSE IN THIS STATE. UH, NO SUCH THING. NO SUCH THING ON BOARD THIS BOAT! NAME OF THE WHITE MAN IS STEVE BAKER. NAME OF THE NEGRESS IS JULIE DOZIER. WHICH ONE'S THEM?

MAGNOLIA

JULIE! I'M STEVE BAKER, AND THIS IS MY WIFE. JULIE DOZIER? MY INFORMATION SAYS YOU WAS BORN IN MISSISSIPPI. YOUR POP WAS WHITE, AND YOUR MAMMY BLACK. THAT RIGHT? YES. IT IS. BUT, JULIE, YOU-- YOU TWO BETTER GRAB YOUR THINGS AND COME ALONG WITH ME. YOU WOULDN'T CALL A MAN A WHITE MAN IF HAD A DROP OF NEGRO BLOOD IN HIM, WOULD YOU? HA! NO, I WOULDN'T. ONE DROP OF NIGGER BLOOD MAKES YOU A NIGGER ROUND THESE PARTS. WELL, I GOT MORE THAN A DROP OF... OF NIGGER BLOOD IN ME THIS MINUTE, AND THAT'S A FACT. YOU WILLING TO SWEAR TO THAT IN A COURT OF LAW? I'LL SWEAR TO IT ANYWHERE! I'LL DO BETTER THAN THAT. YOU SEE ALL THESE FOLKS HERE? EVERY ONE OF THEM CAN SWEAR THAT I GOT NIGGER BLOOD IN ME THIS MINUTE. THAT'S HOW WHITE I AM. WELL, I SEEN FAIRER MEN THAN YOU THAT WAS NIGGERS. STILL, YOU BETTER COME AND TELL IT TO THE JUDGE. IKE VALLON, I GUESS YOU KNOWN ME BETTER PART OF 25 YEARS. WHY, I WAS KEEL BOATIN' TIME YOU WAS RUNNIN' AROUND BAREFOOT ON THE LANDIN'. NOW, I'M TELLIN' YOU-- ME, WINDY McLAIN-- THAT THAT WHITE MAN THERE, HE'S GOT NIGGER BLOOD IN HIM. I WILL TAKE MY OATH TO THAT. IF IT WAS ANYBODY ELSE BUT WINDY... BUT I HEARD THIS FROM-- WELL, FROM SOMEONE WHO OUGHT TO KNOW. FROM WHO? A SOOTY-FACED RIVER RAT NAMED PETE? AND WHY? BECAUSE HE'S BEEN STUCK ON JULIE HERE AND SHE WON'T HAVE NOTHIN' TO DO WITH HIM! THAT'S RIGHT, SHERIFF. THAT GAL IS TELLING THE TRUTH. MRS. HAWKS... YOU LOOK LIKE A RESPECTABLE WOMAN.

PARTHY

I AM. DO Y'ALL STAND BY WHAT WINDY JUST SAID? WHY, OF COURSE WE DO. WINDY WOULDN'T TELL A LIE TO SAVE HIS OWN LIFE. YOU KNOW THAT, SHERIFF. WELL...I'LL TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT, BUT LET ME TELL YOU THIS. DON'T YOU TRY GIVING YOUR SHOW TONIGHT WITH NO MIXED BLOOD IN IT, OR ELSE YOU'LL BE RIDING OUT OF TOWN ON SOMETHING THAT DON'T SIT SO EASY AS A BOAT. WELL, YOU NEEDN'T ALL LOOK AT US LIKE WE WERE A COUPLE OF WILD ANIMALS. WE AIN'T GONNA HURT YOU. C'MON, JULIE. BETTER PACK UP OUR THINGS.

MEN AND WOMEN

ON MY BACK IN A HACK IN A $40 HACK NO MORE GIN, NO MORE RUM OH, THE MISERY'S DONE COME! WELL, WHAT ARE Y'ALL STANDIN' AROUND FOR LIKE A BUNCH OF STUMPS? GO ON, CLEAR OUT, THE LOT OF YOU. GO, GO! WINDY, WRITE UP A LETTER. HANG IT UP ON THE POST OFFICE. "NO SHOW TONIGHT." MAKE SURE THERE'S ENOUGH CASH TO REFUND THE TICKETS. WE'LL PULL OUT O' HERE AS SOON AS WINDY COMES BACK. NOLA! WHERE YOU GOIN'? WANT TO SEE JULIE. AH! NO, NO, YOU COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT. NO DAUGHTER OF MINE IS GOIN' TO GET INVOLVED WITH THAT-- LET ME GO, MOTHER! I'M GOIN' IN TO JULIE! NOW YOU SEE WHAT THIS SHOW BOAT TROUPE HAS DONE TO YOUR DAUGHTER? I THINK MY SHOW BOAT HAS MADE A DAMN FINE GIRL OUT OF MY DAUGHTER. WELL, I'M GOIN' RIGHT IN THERE AND PULL HER AWAY FROM THAT LYIN', DECEITFUL-- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, PARTHY. JULIE'LL BE GONE IN A FEW MINUTES AND IT'LL ALL BE OVER. WHAT WE GOTTA THINK ABOUT IS HOW-- HOW WE'RE GONNA PUT ON A SHOW TOMORROW NIGHT WITHOUT STEVE. WELL, YOU'RE JUST AS BAD OFF FOR A LEADIN' WOMAN. HOW ABOUT ME? AHEM. "BENEATH THIS MIRTHFUL MASK BURNS A SOUL."

LAUGHTER

MEN AND WOMEN

NO! YOU'RE A COMEDIAN. I WAS THINKIN' WE'D LET NOLA JUMP IN. SHE KNOWS ALL THE PARTS. OVER MY DEAD BODY! THERE NEVER WAS AN ACTRESS IN MY FAMILY AND THERE AIN'T GONNA BE. I MEAN JUST PUT HER IN TEMPORARY. SHE DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ACTIN', BUT SHE'S GOT A SMILE THAT'S WORTH A MILLION DOLLARS. FRANK, WHERE YOU BEEN? YEAH, YOU TELL FRANK WHAT A FINE TROUPE HE'S IN! OH, YOU MEAN JULIE? YEAH, I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT. I WAS WITH PETE WHEN HE TOLD THE SHERIFF.

ANDY

WELL, STEVE AND JULIE ARE LEAVIN'. WOULD YOU KNOW ANY ACTOR WE MIGHT PICK UP IN FORT ADAMS WHO COULD JUMP INTO THE LEAD? HOW ABOUT FRANK? OH, NO! WHAT A FINE LEADIN' MAN HE'D MAKE, THAT FACE AND THOSE FLAT FEET. I NEVER ASKED TO BE THE LEAD, DID I? BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKIN' FOR A BEAUTY, I GOT ONE. WHO? A FELLER I MET IN TOWN. SEEMS HE WANTS TO LEAVE TONIGHT, BUT THERE AIN'T NO BOATS. HE ASKED ME IF WE TOOK PASSENGERS. 'COURSE WE DON'T TAKE PASSENGERS. YEAH, YEAH, SO I BROUGHT HIM ALONG. HE'S OUTSIDE. HOLD ON. OH. TELL HIM TO COME IN. LET'S SEE HIM. YEAH, HE'S A SWELL-LOOKIN' FELLA, TOO. MISTER! COME ON UP HERE! HE LOOKS LIKE A SWELL. HE LOOKS LIKE A RIVER BOAT GAMBLER TO ME. HE'S GOT MANNER. THE GALS WILL LOVE HIM. PARTHY... I BELIEVE I'LL TAKE A CHANCE. ANDY HAWKS, I SWEAR YOU'RE GONNA END UP IN A LUNATIC ASYLUM. MEET MR. CAPTAIN ANDY HAWKS. THIS IS MISTER, UH... RAVENAL IS MY NAME, SIR. GAYLORD RAVENAL... OF THE TENNESSEE RAVENALS? HOO HOO HOO HOO! I THOUGHT, SIR, IF I COULD HAVE A BED ON YOUR BOAT TONIGHT, I COULD PAY YOU MY FARE TOMORROW AT FORT ADAMS. I EXPECT A REMITTANCE, AND-- YOU EVER ACTED? ACTED? ON THE STAGE. ACTED. BEEN AN ACTOR. WE NEED A JUVENILE LEAD, $15 A WEEK, A CHANCE TO SEE THE WORLD. NO RESPONSIBILITY. AM I TO UNDERSTAND YOU ARE OFFERING ME THE POSITION OF JUVENILE LEAD? THAT'S WHAT HE MEANS, YOUNG MAN. WE DON'T LIKE TO PICK UP ACTORS OFF THE WHARVES, BUT WE CAN'T BE CHOOSY JUST NOW. MADAM, YOUR COURTESY IS ONLY EXCEEDED BY YOUR CHARM. HA HA! YOU BETTER GRAB THAT JOB. $15 A WEEK FOUND MONEY. NO RESPONSIBILITY, A CHANCE TO SEE LIFE. I'VE SEEN IT. OH HO!

JULIE

DON'T, MAGNOLIA, PLEASE! FATHER. HALF AN HOUR AGO, JULIE WAS MY DEAREST FRIEND AND SHE HASN'T CHANGED A BIT TO ME, SO-- OF COURSE NOT, NOLA. THEN WHY ARE YOU SENDING HER AWAY? OH, HE'S NOT SENDING US, HONEY. STEVE AND I WANT TO GO. IF JULIE GOES, I GO WITH HER. WELL, THAT'S A NICE THING TO SAY! DON'T TALK NONSENSE, NOLA. YOU GOTTA STAY WITH YOUR MOTHER, NO MATTER WHAT. AND ANOTHER THING. I'M DEPENDIN' ON YOU TO PLAY SOME LEADS, JUST UNTIL WE GET SOMEBODY. OH, SEE? WHAT A CHANCE FOR YOU, NOLA. I JUST KNOW YOU CAN ACT.

ANDY

AND IF THIS YOUNG MAN'LL AGREE TO PLAY THE JUVENILE LEAD AND IF HE'S A QUICK STUDY AND HE WANTS TO ACT OPPOSITE YOU, WHY, WE COULD GET YOU BOTH READY BY TOMORROW NIGHT. YOU A QUICK STUDY? LIGHTNING! AH!

STEVE

YOU READY, JULIE? DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO GET EVERYTHING TOGETHER, CAP'N. IF YOU COULD BUNDLE OUR THINGS AND LEAVE 'EM AT THE POST OFFICE IN NEW ORLEANS, WE'LL PICK IT UP THERE. SURE. NEED ANY MONEY, STEVE? NO, NO. I GUESS WE'LL BE FINE. THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. GOOD-BYE, STEVE. GOOD-BYE, CAP'N. GOOD-BYE, DEAR. I'LL WRITE TO YOU AND YOU WRITE TO ME AND TELL ME ALL ABOUT... EVERYTHING. JULIE! JULIE! WAIT FOR-- BYE, MISS JULIE. BYE, MASSA STEVE. GOOD-BYE, JOE. MOTHER, I'M--I'M AWFULLY SORRY I TALKED TO YOU LIKE THAT.

JOE SINGING "OLD MAN RIVER"

ANDY

WELL, NOW, WE AIN'T GOT MUCH TIME. UH, MR. RAVENAL, TAKE THIS. I WANT TO HEAR HOW YOU HANDLE DIALOGUE. NOW, THE IDEA OF THIS CHARACTER IS--YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER, SEE? UH, SO, JUST TRY IT. GO AHEAD. JUST A SAMPLE. COME ON, NOLA. WHAT'LL I DO, PAPA? JUST SMILE, NOLA. THAT'LL GET 'EM. AHEM. MISS LUCY, WILL YOU BE MINE? NO, NO, NOTHIN' LIKE IT. NOTHIN' LIKE IT AT ALL. MORE FEELIN'! YOU LOVE HER! GOSHAMIGHTY, MAN, YOU LOVE HER. GO ON AND TELL HER. I UNDERSTAND. MISS LUCY... WILL YOU BE MINE? OHH! BUT OL' MAN RIVER, HE JES' KEEPS ROLLIN' ALONG!

APPLAUSE

INTERLUDE

ELLIE

NO USE, FRANK. WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME? I HAVEN'T GOT THE TIME TO TELL YOU.

LAUGHTER

ELLIE

NOW, THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS FOR YOU. HERE I'VE BEEN TROUPING UP AND DOWN THIS RIVER FOR 12 YEARS AND NOBODY EVERY HEARD OF ME. AND THIS RAVENAL HAS BEEN ACTING FOR EXACTLY 3 WEEKS, THEY MAKE A STAR OUT OF HIM. I FEEL THE SAME WAY, FRANK. LOOK AT MAGNOLIA. HER PICTURE WITH RAVENAL ALL OVER THE POSTERS. YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SECRET TO THEIR QUICK SUCCESS? THEY REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER. I'VE BEEN PLAYING OPPOSITE YOU FOR 5 YEARS AND I LOVE YOU. YEAH, BUT MAYBE I DON'T LOVE YOU. SO, YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR FAILURE.

LAUGHTER

ELLIE

WE'LL NEVER BE STARS OF THE SHOW BOAT. YOU TALK AS IF YOU EXPECT TO LIVE ON THIS BARGE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. AIN'T YOU GOT NO AMBITION? OH, I GOT AMBITION. I WANT TO MARRY YOU. OH, IT'S A ROUGH WORLD OUT THERE. YOU NEED A RED-BLOODED MAN TO PROTECT YOU. IF YOU FIND ONE, LET ME KNOW. LITTLE GIRL, YOU ARE SAFE WITH ME I CAN PROTECT WHAT'S MINE I AM A STURDY MAPLE TREE AND YOU'RE MY CLINGIN' VINE WOODS ARE JUST FULL OF MAPLE TREES CEDAR AND OAK AND PINE LET ME LOOK THEM OVER, PLEASE, AND THEN I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVE A SHOW AFTER I HAVE LOOKED AROUND THE WORLD FOR A MATE THEN, PERHAPS, I MIGHT FALL BACK ON YOU WHEN I AM CONVINCED THAT THERE IS NO BETTER FATE THEN I MIGHT DECIDE THAT YOU WILL DO I AM JUST AN AVERAGE LAD, THOUGH NO GIFT TO WOMANHOOD SOME GIRLS SAY I'M NOT SO BAD OTHERS SAY YOU'RE NOT SO GOOD BUT IF YOU ARE PATIENT, DEAR, AND WILLING TO WAIT THERE'S A CHANCE I MIGHT FALL BACK ON YOU

WOMEN

AFTER SHE HAS LOOKED AROUND THE WORLD FOR A MATE THEN, PERHAPS, SHE MIGHT FALL BACK ON YOU WHEN SHE IS CONVINCED THAT THERE IS NO BETTER FATE THEN SHE MIGHT DECIDE THAT YOU WILL DO HE IS JUST AN AVERAGE LAD, THOUGH NO GIFT TO WOMANHOOD SOME GIRLS SAY HE'S NOT SO BAD OTHERS SAY HE'S NOT SO GOOD BUT IF YOU ARE PATIENT, DEAR, AND WILLING TO WAIT THERE'S A CHANCE SHE MIGHT FALL BACK ON YOU

APPLAUSE

WOMEN

COME OUT OF THAT BOX OFFICE, ANDY HAWKS! NOW WHAT IS IT? YOU LISTEN TO THIS! "DEAR MRS. HAWKS, "I GOT SOMETHING INTERESTING TO TELL YOU ABOUT GAYLORD RAVENAL. "I CAN BE REACHED AT THE ABOVE ADDRESS IN FAYETTE. FAITHFULLY, PETE." WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT? I DON'T LIKE PETE. NEVER DID. WELL, WHEN WE GET TO NATCHEZ TOMORROW, I'M GOIN' OVER TO FAYETTE. ARE YOU COMIN' WITH ME? NO, I AIN'T. I LIKE RAVENAL. HE'S A RIGHT SMART FELLER AND HE'S THE BEST LEADING MAN WE EVER HAD. SHIFTY IS WHAT HE IS, ALL THAT HIGH TALK ABOUT HIM BEING A RAVENAL OF TENNESSEE! BUT HE IS A RAVEN-- HE SAYS HE IS. BUT DIDN'T HE SHOW ME THE TOMBSTONE OF THE RAVENALS? WELL, I COULD SAY I WAS A BONAPARTE AND SHOW YOU THE TOMBSTONE OF NAPOLEON, BUT THAT WOULDN'T MAKE HIM MY GRANDFATHER, WOULD IT? NO, BUT IT WOULD MAKE HIM TURN OVER IN HIS GRAVE!

LAUGHTER

WOMEN

IS THE THEAYTER FILLIN' UP, CAPTAIN ANDY? JUST ABOUT, BUT THERE'S NOBODY IN THE BALCONY. OH, WELL, THAT'S WHERE THE COLORED FOLKS SIT. WELL, WHY DON'T THEY COME? 'CAUSE YOU DON'T TALK TO 'EM. WHADDAYA MEAN I DON'T TALK TO 'EM? I BALLYHOOED MY LUNGS OUT THIS MORNIN'. PEOPLE DON'T REMEMBER THAT LONG. THIS IS HOW YOU GET 'EM! HEY! WHERE YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN'? DON'T YOU KNOW THE SHOW IS STARTIN' SOON? HEY! JUST A FEW SEATS LEFT HERE IT'S LIGHT INSIDE AND OUTSIDE THERE'S NO MOON WHAT FOR YOU GALS DRESSED UP DICTY? WHERE'S YOU ALL'S GWINE? TELL THEM STINGY MEN OF YOURN TO STEP UP HERE IN LINE COME ON, FOLKS, WE'RE RARIN' TO GO IS YOU OR AIN'T YOU SEEIN' THIS SHOW? GET HET UP, THERE'LL BE NO LET UP, HERE LISTEN TO THAT GAL TALK YOU'LL BE EXCITED ALL NIGHT GRIPPIN' YOUR MAN, HOLDIN' HIM TIGHT TWO SEATS FOR 20 CENTS AIN'T SO DEAR! STORY'S 'BOUT A LADY IN LOVE LOVES HER MAN, BUT HEAVENS ABOVE THERE'S THE BIGGEST VILLAIN YOU'VE EVER SEEN

CHORUS

UM-UM-UM WHITE OUTSIDE, BUT BLACK IN THE HEART SWEARS THOSE TWO YOUNG LOVERS TO PART HE'S THE WORSTEST SCALAWAG THAT CAN BE CHORUS UM-UM-UM HE TRIES TO GET HER ALONE YOU HEAR THAT LITTLE GAL MOAN OL' VILLAIN MAKIN' HER GROAN WITH WOE WHAT DOES HE DO? WHAT DOES HE DO? TELL US! HE TRIES TO CHOKE HER TO DEATH THEN WHEN SHE'S ALMOST OUT OF HER BREATH SOMEBODY COMES A-RAPPIN' AT THAT OL' DOOR OPEN THE DOOR, LORD

MEN

HOW DOES THE REST OF IT GO? IS YOU' OR AIN'T YO' DYIN' TO KNOW? STEP UP AN' BUY YO' TICKETS FOR' THIS HERE SHOW! WHOA!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

INTERLUDE

WHISTLING

MEN

THAT YOU, NOLA? HOW DID YOU GET AWAY? I CAN'T STAY LONG. I TOLD MOTHER I'D FILL HER PITCHER. SHE'S WAITING. NOLA, WE HAVEN'T MUCH TIME. LISTEN, I WANT TO MARRY YOU IN NATCHEZ TOMORROW. BUT MOTHER... SHE'S GONNA BE IN FAYETTE ALL MORNING. SHE TOLD ME SO HERSELF. THERE'S A LOVELY LITTLE CHURCH IN NATCHEZ. BUT FATHER-- WHAT WILL HE SAY? OH, HE WILL NOT OPPOSE US. AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE GAVE ME THE IDEA. WHAT? OF GETTING MARRIED WHILE YOUR MOTHER WAS AWAY. HE KNOWS HOW I FEEL, HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. OH, NOLA, PLEASE, SAY YOU WILL. OH, GAY, I WANT TO-- YOU CAN MAKE ME THE HAPPIEST MAN IN THE WORLD. I CAN'T STAND IT THIS WAY ANY LONGER. THESE STOLEN SECONDS, THESE LITTLE SNATCHES OF YOU! I WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF, FOREVER. NOLA, DEAREST, I WANT YOU WITH ME WHEREVER I GO. I WANT TO SHOW YOU A WORLD YOU'VE NEVER DREAMED OF-- CITIES, THEATRES, RESTAURANTS, PEOPLE, AND YOU AND I ALWAYS TOGETHER, LOOKING ON, LIVING IN OUR OWN LOVERS' WORLD. GAY, YOU'VE SEEN EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. I USED TO THINK SO, UNTIL I LOOKED INTO YOUR EYES. THEN I KNEW THAT I HAD SEEN NOTHING. I HADN'T EVEN LIVED. ONCE A WAND'RING NE'ER-DO-WELL JUST A VAGRANT ROVING FELLOW I WENT MY WAY LIFE WAS JUST A JOKE TO TELL LIKE A LONELY PUNCHINELLO MY ROLE WAS GAY BUT I KNEW THE JOKE WAS AIMLESS TIME WENT ON, I LIKED THE GAME LESS FOR, YOU SEE SOMEWHERE LURKED A SPARK DIVINE AND I KEPT WOND'RING WHETHER MINE WOULD COME TO ME THEN MY FORTUNE TURNED AND I FOUND YOU HERE YOU ARE WITH MY ARMS AROUND YOU YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT TO ME YOU'RE THE PRIZE THAT HEAVEN HAS SENT TO ME HERE'S A BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL WORLD, ALL NEW WRAPPED UP IN YOU YOU ARE LOVE HERE IN MY ARMS WHERE YOU BELONG AND HERE YOU WILL STAY I'LL NOT LET YOU AWAY I WANT DAY AFTER DAY WITH YOU YOU ARE SPRING BUD OF ROMANCE UNFURLED YOU TAUGHT ME TO SEE ONE TRUTH FOREVER TRUE YOU ARE LOVE WONDER OF ALL THE WORLD WHERE YOU GO WITH ME, HEAVEN WILL ALWAYS BE YOU ARE LOVE HERE IN MY ARMS WHERE YOU BELONG AND HERE YOU WILL STAY I'LL NOT LET YOU AWAY I WANT DAY AFTER DAY WITH YOU YOU ARE SPRING BUD OF ROMANCE UNFURLED YOU TAUGHT ME TO SEE ONE TRUTH FOREVER TRUE

BOTH

YOU ARE LOVE WONDER OF ALL THE WORLD WHERE YOU GO WITH ME, HEAVEN WILL ALWAYS BE

GIGGLING

APPLAUSE

PARTHY

NOLA!

BOTH

GOOD NIGHT DREAM IF YOU CAN MY WIFE MY MAN

APPLAUSE

INTERLUDE

GIRLS

OH, TELL ME, DID YOU EVER! DID YOU EVER HEAR OF SUCH A THING?

MEN

THE LEADING MAN'S ABOUT TO GIVE THE LEADING GIRL A WEDDING RING! HER FATHER HAS NEGLECTED NONE, HE'S ASKED US ALL TO SEE THE FUN AND SINCE WE ARE INVITED TO ATTEND WE ARE DELIGHTED TO BE THERE WHEN THESE UNITED TWO ARE PLIGHTED TO BE ONE

ALL

CAPTAIN ANDY! CAPTAIN ANDY! MY, BUT DOESN'T HE LOOK FINE AND DANDY! NOW MAGNOLIA'S FOUND HER MATE YOU KNOW WE'RE HAPPY TO CONGRATULATE! WE THANK YOU FOR INVITING US TO SEE THE WEDDING, IT WAS FRIENDLY THUS TO LET US SHARE YOUR HAPPY DAY AND SEE YOU GIVE THE BRIDE AWAY ACCORDING TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT YOU READ IN THE POST OFFICE, YOU ARE ALL INVITED TO THE WEDDING OF MY DAUGHTER, MISS MAGNOLIA HAWKS, TO HER LEADING MAN, THE HONORABLE GAYLORD RAVENAL. NOW, BEIN' AS HOW Y'ALL TAKE SUCH AN INTEREST IN THE DOIN'S OF SHOW BOAT FOLK, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO FOLLOW THIS HAPPY COUPLE AS THEY PLAY OUT THEIR OWN ROMANCE OFFSTAGE. NOW, THE BRIDE AND GROOM WILL BE OUT IN A MINUTE, AND THEN WE WILL ALL MARCH DOWN TO THE CHURCH. HAPPY THE DAY WHEN THE HAND OF A MAID HAS BEEN WON BY SWIFT PURSUING HAPPY THE WAY HE HAS CHOSEN TO WIN HER BY BOLD AND ARDENT WOOING THEIR'S A LUCKY FATE TO BE ROMANTIC WE CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE THE FRANTIC LOOKS OF THE BRIDEGROOM, AND QUAKES OF THE BRIDE WHOM HE TAKES NOW OR NEVER AND MAKES HER FOREVER THE ONE AND THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL TAKE CARE THAT HIS LIFE'S NOT A LONELY ONE, WHILE SHE'S THE ONLY ONE HAPPY THE BRIDE MAY THE GREATEST OF HAPPINESS, HEALTH, AND WEALTH ATTEND YOU LOVELY BRIDE-TO-BE, THERE ARE FEW WEDDED TO ANYONE CHARMING AS YOU

WOMEN

MISS MAGNOLIA, WE ALWAYS TOL' YA WE KNOWED YOU'D FIND YOUR MAN... CAN'T WE SHARE SOME OF OUR HAPPINESS, DEAR FRIENDS, WITH YOU?

ALL

FISH GOTTA SWIM AND BIRDS GOTTA FLY I GOTTA LOVE ONE MAN TILL I DIE CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN--

PARTHY SCREAMS

SHOUTING

VALLON

STOP THEM! STOP THEM! DON'T TALK TO HIM! HE'S A MURDERER! WHO? THAT RAVENAL. HE KILLED A MAN!

ANDY

GOD-A-MIGHTY! WHEN? LAST YEAR. ASK HIM! HE GOT OFF ON SELF-DEFENSE. THEN HE PROVED HE HAD THE RIGHT TO KILL! ARE YOU GOING TO LET OUR DAUGHTER STAND HERE AND TALK TO A MURDERER? STAND AND MURDER BE DAMNED! WHY, I KILLED A MAN WHEN I WAS 19! YOU? KILLED? YES, ME! NOW, ARE YOU COMIN' WITH US OR AIN'T YA?

LAUGHTER

PARTHY

WHERE ARE WE GOING? TO THE CHURCH. THEY'RE GONNA BE MARRIED. MARRIED? TO A MURDERER? OH, MY GOD! WHOA! SHE FAINTED. ARE YOU SURE? SHE'S GONE. GOOD! NOW WE CAN GO ON WITH THE WEDDING! HA! CAN'T STOP ME NOW, THERE'S NO USE TO TRY

ALL

I GOTTA LOVE ONE MAN TILL I DIE CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN OF MINE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

INTERLUDE

ALL

WHEN WE TELL THEM ABOUT IT ALL THEY'RE LIKELY TO DOUBT IT ALL BUT WHY SHOULD WE CARE JUST AS LONG AS WE'VE BEEN TO THE FAIR?

BARKER

HO, HO! YOUR KIND ATTENTION BESTOW!

BOYS

LET'S GO NEAR, I CAN'T HEAR, SHALL WE GO?

GIRLS

I DON'T KNOW

BARKER

THE STRONGEST LITTLE LADY KNOWN TO THE WORLD WE'LL SHOW HE'S TALKING THROUGH HIS HAT, YOU BET, I'M PRETTY SURE OF THAT COME ONE AND ALL, COME UP AND FEEL THE FIST OF HER GREAT CHRISTOPHER! IF SANDOW FELT HER HAND, HOW HE WOULD STUTTER AND MUTTER AND SHIVER AND QUIVER WITH RAGE SHE'S 16 YEARS OF AGE! HEY WHAT HAVE WE HERE? WHAT HAVE WE HERE? A MARVELOUS DISPLAY THEY'RE GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT THEY WANT TO SELL YOU THE BEAUTIES PICKED FROM ALL THE WORLD IN SUPER FINE ARRAY

MEN

THAT'S THE SHOW WE MUST SEE ARE YOU TAKING ME?

BARKER

GET TICKETS THIS WAY JUST STEP UP AND PAY STEP UP THIS WAY, HEY, RIGHT UP THIS WAY, HEY NOT MUCH TO PAY FOR SUCH DISPLAY COME ALL THIS WAY, AND YOU WILL SAY THAT ALL CHICAGO IS...

SINGING TOGETHER

BARKER

NOW FOR THE SPECIAL FEATURE, I DEMAND YOUR STRICT ATTENTION STEP CLOSER, GENTLEMEN, YOU'LL NOTICE "LADIES" I DON'T MENTION GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME, WHATEVER CAN IT BE? MY STORY'S QUICKLY TOLD THE WORLD'S SENSATION NOW BEHOLD!

WHISTLING

BARKER

WHOO! GATHER 'ROUND, BOYS. SEE LA BELLE FATIMA, GREATEST FEATURE OF THE WORLD'S FAIR. THE ONLY ONE IN HER CLASS, BOYS!

MUSIC PLAYING

BARKER

HURRY, HURRY, LET US RUN WHAT FOR? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG SHE'S A PRINCESS, FROM BETTER FOLKS THAN US, I GUESS YOU CAN STAY, BUT I MUST RUN ALL RIGHT! YOU ALWAYS SPOIL MY FUN

ALL

BELLES AND BEAUS DRESSED IN THE VERY LATEST STYLE HERE THEY COME! GOODNESS KNOWS AREN'T THEY SWELL? WELL, I SHOULD SMILE LOOK, DEAR! LOOK, HERE! AIN'T THEY GORGEOUS? WHEN THE SPORTS OF GAY CHICAGO PAY A VISIT TO THE FAIR YOU CAN TELL EV'RY SWELL BY HIS DASHING AIR THEY DO CREDIT TO CHICAGO WITH THEIR CLOTHES ALL TAILOR-MADE ALL THEIR COUNTRY COUSINS GAPE AND STARE WHEN THEY SEE THE DANDIES ON PARADE GAY SAID HE WOULD MEET US HERE AS SOON AS HE FINISHED SOME BUSINESS. HUMPH! MUST BE SOME FUNNY BUSINESS YOU'RE ASHAMED OF. HOW DO YOU MEAN, ASHAMED? IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A HUNDRED TIMES WHAT IT IS YOUR HUSBAND DOES FOR A LIVING. I CAN GET NO ANSWER FROM EITHER ONE OF YOU. SECRETS, MYSTERIES--HOW I HATE NOT TO KNOW THINGS. HE'S CERTAINLY DOING WELL. WE HAVE EVERYTHING WE WANT AND WE GO EVERYWHERE. OH, GAY, ANY LUCK? I MADE A KILLING. MACDONALD HAD TO CLOSE THE GAME AND SEND OUT FOR A NEW BANKROLL. OH, GAY, YOU'RE WONDERFUL! CAP'N ANDY, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A LITTLE JAMBOREE TONIGHT? SUITS ME TO A "T"! WE'LL GO TO THE PALMER HOUSE FOR SUPPER, TAKE IN THE SHOW THERE AND THEN IF YOU LIKE, WE'LL LOOK IN AT RECTOR'S.

ANDY

GOSH AMIGHTY-- THE 4 OF US? A NIGHT LIKE THAT'LL COST YOU $50! AHH! WELL, THAT'S WHAT THEY DO. HE SPENDS MONEY LIKE A FOOL. IF I WERE YOU, I'D SAVE SOME OF IT. YOU MAY NEED IT FOR A RAINY DAY. GAY CAN ALWAYS MAKE MORE. WELL, DEAR, I THINK I'LL GO BACK AND HAVE ANOTHER FLING. DO YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO? WHILE THEY'RE RUNNING FOR ME, I MUST PLAY THEM. I'LL BE BACK IN TIME TO TAKE YOU OUT TO SUPPER. ALL RIGHT, DEAR. OH, GAY! I'M SO HAPPY AND SO PROUD OF YOU. I'M WALKING ON THE AIR, DEAR FOR LIFE IS FAIR, DEAR, TO LOVERS I'M IN THE SEVENTH HEAVEN THERE'S MORE THAN SEVEN, MY HEART DISCOVERS IN THIS SWEET, IMPROBABLE, AND UNREAL WORLD FINDING YOU HAS GIVEN ME MY IDEAL WORLD WHY DO I LOVE YOU? WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?

BOTH

WHY SHOULD THERE BE TWO HAPPY AS WE? CAN YOU SEE THE WHY OR WHEREFORE I SHOULD BE THE ONE YOU CARE FOR? YOU'RE A LUCKY BOY, I AM LUCKY, TOO ALL OUR DREAMS OF JOY SEEM TO COME TRUE MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME MAYBE THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU DARLING, I HAVE ONLY JUST AN HOUR TO PLAY I AM ALWAYS LONELY WHEN YOU GO AWAY

CHORUS

HOURS ARE NOT LIKE YEARS SO DRY YOUR TEARS WHAT A PAIR OF LOVEBIRDS MY DARLING I'LL COME HOME AS EARLY AS I CAN MEANWHILE BE GOOD AND PATIENT WITH YOUR MAN WHY DO I LOVE YOU? WHY DO YOU LOVE ME? WHY SHOULD THERE BE TWO AS HAPPY AS WE? CAN YOU SEE THE WHY OR WHEREFORE I SHOULD BE THE ONE YOU CARE FOR? YOU'RE A LUCKY BOY, I AM LUCKY, TOO ALL OUR DREAMS OF JOY SEEM TO COME TRUE MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME MAYBE THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU

APPLAUSE

INTERLUDE

WOMAN HUMMING

CHORUS

AHEM.

SNAPS FINGERS

CHORUS

AIN'T THIS A GRAND ROOM NOW? YOU WON'T FIND ANOTHER LIKE IT IN CHICAGO FOR THE PRICE. IT LOOKS AS IF SOMEBODY'S LIVIN' IN IT. THEY WON'T BE AFTER THIS MORNIN'. 12 SOLID WEEKS GONE BY AND NOT A PENNY PAID. NO, MA'AM, I'VE GOT ME OWN BILLS. EVERYTHING THEY'VE GOT IS IN PAWN.

ELLIE

TSK, TSK, TSK. NOLA? ELLIE? THAT'S RIGHT. ELLIE!

FRANK

NOLA! AND FRANK. OH, DEAR FRANK! NOLA, DEAR, HOW ARE YOU? OH, I'M FINE. MY, BUT IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU! HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE WE LIVED? WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT--

LANDLADY

THEY JUST CAME HERE TO LOOK FOR ROOMS. I TOLD THEM YOU WERE LEAVING. OH, YES, OF COURSE. YOU SEE, THESE ARE ONLY TEMPORARY QUARTERS, UH, WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR OUR NEW HOME ON THE LAKE SHORE. MEANWHILE, WE STOP HERE. WE LIKE TO HELP OUT MRS. O'BRIEN. HUMPH! GREAT HELP! I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS. YOU CAN LET ME KNOW ABOUT THE ROOM. "HELPIN' OUT MRS. O'BRIEN"! NOLA, IS THIS YOUR LITTLE GIRL'S PICTURE? YES, THAT'S KIM. ISN'T SHE A DARLING? 8 YEARS OLD THIS MARCH. SHE'S AT A CONVENT OVER AT ST. AGATHA'S. GAY INSISTED ON GIVING HER EVERY POSSIBLE ADVANTAGE. GAY DOING WELL, NOLA? OH, YES, HE'S A BIG SUCCESS. BUT TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELVES. UH, WE'RE DOING PRETTY GOOD. PRETTY GOOD! LISTEN TO HIM. WE'RE PRACTICALLY HEADLINERS. WHERE ARE YOU PLAYING NOW? WELL, WE'RE SORT OF BREAKIN' IN A NEW ACT. WE OPEN NEW YEAR'S EVE AT THE TROCADERO. OH, I'VE BEEN THERE OFTEN, NOT LATELY, THOUGH. NOLA, I WAS THINKIN' IF YOU NEED A LITTLE MONEY, MAYBE I COULD FIX IT SO'S YOU COULD GET A JOB. MAYBE FIX YA UP A LITTLE ACT, SINGIN' AND PLAYIN' THE PIANO LIKE YOU USED TO? THAT'D BE FINE, NOLA. I'M AFRAID GAY WOULD NEVER HEAR OF IT. OF COURSE, I'D LIKE TO. I MEAN JUST AS A LARK. I DON'T NEED THE MONEY. NO, OF COURSE NOT.

KNOCK ON DOOR

LANDLADY

COME IN. BOY JUST LEFT THIS FOR YOU, MISS RAVENAL. THANK YOU, ETHEL. OH, YES, GAY WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE STOPPED AT THE BANK. EXCUSE ME A MINUTE, FOLKS. I HAVE TO SEE WHAT GAY SAYS. HE MAY WANT ME TO MEET HIM SOMEWHERE. NOLA, DEAR, WHAT'S THE MATTER? ELLIE, ELLIE, YOU READ IT. I MIGHT BELIEVE IT IF I HEAR SOMEONE ELSE SAY IT. "DEAREST, BY THE TIME THIS LETTER REACHES YOU, "I SHALL BE ON A TRAIN, BOUND GOD KNOWS WHERE. "THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO PAWN AND NO MORE FRIENDS TO BORROW FROM. "I AM ENCLOSING $200. "THIS WILL LET KIM FINISH HER TERM AT THE CONVENT. "THEN YOU CAN BOTH GO TO YOUR PARENTS. "I AM DOING THIS BECAUSE I THINK IT IS RIGHT AND BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. "PLEASE BELIEVE I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, MY DEAR LITTLE WIFE. GOOD-BYE. YOUR OWN GAY." HE SEEMS TO THINK YOU AND KIM'LL BE BETTER OFF. BETTER OFF! I NEVER COMPLAINED. WE'VE LIVED LIKE THIS FOR HALF THE TIME. ONE ROOM, ONE BED, WASHING CLOTHES IN THE BASIN, COOKING FOOD OVER A GAS JET. BUT I LOVED HIM. AND IF ALL THAT WENT WITH HIM, I WAS WILLING TO TAKE IT. I THOUGHT HE KNEW THAT. CAN WE DO ANYTHING, NOLA? THIS MONEY WILL HELP ME FOR A MONTH OR SO. MEANWHILE, I'LL LOOK FOR WORK. REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE TROCADERO. THE TROCADERO? OH, YES, FRANK. I MIGHT TRY THAT. I'LL THINK IT OVER. IF YOU NEED US, WE'RE OVER AT FORBES' HOTEL. ALL RIGHT, DEAR.

INTERLUDE

LANDLADY

KIM! DADDY!

LAUGHING

LANDLADY

WHERE'S MUMMY? MUMMY COULDN'T COME TODAY. NOW LISTEN, KIM, DEAR. DADDY'S IN A GREAT HURRY. HE MUST CATCH A TRAIN. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? AWAY FOR A LITTLE WHILE ON BUSINESS. I JUST HAD A FEW MINUTES TO RUSH IN AND SEE YOU. CAN'T I GO WITH YOU? NO, DEAR, NOT ON THIS TRIP. BUT WHILE I'M GONE, I WANT YOU TO THINK OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE. WILL YOU? YES, I THINK OF YOU ALL THE TIME. AND WHEN I MISS YOU, I ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU TOLD ME. WHAT WAS THAT? DON'T YOU REMEMBER? MAKE BELIEVE. OH, YES, THAT'S RIGHT. I GAVE YOU A SYSTEM FOR HAVING ANYTHING YOU WANT. ONLY MAKE BELIEVE I'M NEAR YOU ONLY MAKE BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE WITH ME GIRLS AND BOYS FIND IT FUN JUST PRETENDING COULDN'T YOU? COULDN'T I? COULDN'T WE? AND IF I'M A LITTLE LATE COMING BACK, YOU JUST REMEMBER AND PRETEND I'VE NEVER GONE AWAY. WILL YOU, SWEETHEART? BEST OF ALL, MAKE BELIEVE I LOVE YOU FOR TO TELL THE TRUTH, I DO HER CLASS HAS GONE IN. GOOD-BYE, DARLING. GOOD-BYE. KIM, DEAR, TELL YOUR MOTHER I CAME IN TO SEE YOU, WILL YOU?

KIM

I WILL. GOOD-BYE, DADDY!

INTERLUDE

MARCH MUSIC PLAYING

KIM

ALL RIGHT, JAKE!

CALL 'EM AT 12

00.

JAKE

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS!

12

00 TOMORRER! READY, JULIE? YOU'RE NEXT. I WANNA HEAR THAT NEW SONG. GOT IT ALL SET? OH, LEAVE ME ALONE, JIM. I AIN'T FEELIN' SO VERY WELL. BEFORE YOU KNOW IT I'LL BE OFF ON A TEAR AND TO HELL WITH THIS SHOW. JUST YOU GO OFF ON A TEAR, AND YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK IN THIS PLACE AGAIN. WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT THE LAST TIME, I MEANT IT! YOU GO OUT THAT DOOR AND YOU DON'T COME BACK. GET ME? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I AIN'T IN NO MOOD TO HEAR NO LONG SPEECHES. I'LL PUT YOUR DAMN SONG OVER. YOU BETTER. COME ON NOW AND LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO. I GOTTA SET THIS SHOW! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I'M READY JAKE, WHENEVER YOU ARE.

PLAYING SONG INTRO

12

I USED TO DREAM THAT I WOULD DISCOVER THE PERFECT LOVER SOMEDAY I KNEW I'D RECOGNIZE HIM IF EVER HE CAME 'ROUND MY WAY I ALWAYS USED TO FANCY THEN HE'D BE ONE OF THE GOD-LIKE KIND OF MEN WITH A GIANT BRAIN AND A NOBLE HEAD LIKE THE HEROES BOLD IN THE BOOKS I READ BUT ALONG CAME BILL WHO'S NOT THE KIND AT ALL YOU'D MEET HIM ON THE STREET AND NEVER NOTICE HIM HIS FORM AND FACE, HIS MANLY GRACE ARE NOT THE KIND THAT YOU WOULD FIND IN A STATUE AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN, IT'S SURELY NOT HIS BRAIN THAT MAKES ME THRILL I LOVE HIM BECAUSE HE'S WONDERFUL BECAUSE HE'S JUST MY BILL HE CAN'T PLAY GOLF OR TENNIS OR POLO OR SING A SOLO, OR ROW HE ISN'T HALF AS HANDSOME AS DOZENS OF MEN THAT I KNOW HE ISN'T TALL OR STRAIGHT OR SLIM AND HE DRESSES FAR WORSE THAN TED OR JIM AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY HE SHOULD BE JUST THE ONE, ONE MAN IN THE WORLD FOR ME HE'S JUST MY BILL, AN ORDINARY GUY HE HASN'T GOT A THING THAT I CAN BRAG ABOUT AND YET TO BE UPON HIS KNEE SO COMFY AND ROOMY SEEMS NATURAL TO ME AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN, IT'S SURELY NOT HIS BRAIN THAT MAKES ME THRILL I LOVE HIM BECAUSE HE'S-- I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE HE'S JUST MY BILL

APPLAUSE

12

HEY, MR. GREENE! CAN I SEE YOU A MINUTE? WHO ARE YOU? I'M FRANK SCHULTZ OF SCHULTZ AND SCHULTZ, THE WELL-KNOWN COMEDY TEAM. OH, THE NEW ACT, EH? WE GOT YOU SECOND ON THE BILL, RIGHT AFTER THE DANCING GIRLS. HEY, WE'RE ALL SET. MR. GREENE, I GOT A GIRL HERE I'D LIKE YOU TO HEAR SING. OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE! I AIN'T SEEIN' NO MORE... PEOPLE TODAY. I'D LIKE TO SING FOR YOU, MR. GREENE. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE WHATCHA CAN DO. THANK YOU.

GUITAR PLAYING SOFTLY

12

FISH GOTTA SWIM AND BIRDS GOTTA FLY I GOTTA LOVE ONE MAN TILL I DIE CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN OF MINE WHEN HE GOES AWAY, DAT'S A RAINY DAY AND WHEN HE COMES BACK, THAT DAY IS FINE DE SUN WILL SHINE HE CAN COME HOME AS LATE AS CAN BE HOME WITHOUT HIM AIN'T NO HOME TO ME CAN'T HELP LOVIN' DAT MAN OF MINE WELL, WHADDAYA SAY, BOSS? LOUSY! YOU DON'T SING BAD, BUT UGH! THAT SONG! THAT SONG IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SONG IN THE WORLD! AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU! YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME? SAY! BOSS? WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT? GOT A MESSAGE FROM YOUR PRIMA DONNA. TOLD ME TO TELL YOU SHE WAS GOIN' ON THAT TEAR? I'LL BE DAMNED! ON OPENING NIGHT! WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HER? SAY, I'M A DOORMAN, NOT A NURSE MAID! SHE SAID T' TELL YA IF YA WANT A GIRL TO TAKE HER PLACE, YOU BETTER GRAB THAT GIRL THAT JUST SUNG.

FRANK

HEY, BOSS, THIS GIRL AIN'T SO BAD. CAN'T YOU USE HER? HER PERSONALITY IS ALL RIGHT. IF WE COULD ONLY TEACH HER SOME UP-TO-DATE NUMBERS. THAT SONG SHE SANG AIN'T BAD, BOSS. WE COULD TRICK THAT, THOUGH. WATCH.

IN RAGTIME TEMPO

FRANK

DA DA DA DE DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DE DUM DUM DUM OH, RAG IT, YOU MEAN. YEAH, YEAH. WE COULD CHANGE A COUPLE OF THE WORDS. AND AT THE FINISH, WE PUT IN A FEW GAGS. DUM DUM DUM DE DUM DUM DUM CATCH LINE! DUM DUM DUM DE DUM DUM DUM 'NOTHER CATCH LINE! GOOD, RIGHT?

JIM

YEAH, SAY, SAY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT! NOLIE, COME ON, TRY IT. H-HOW DO YOU MEAN? YOU FOLLOW JAKE. FOLLOW JAKE.

SINGING OFF-TEMPO

JIM

FISH GOTTA SWIM AND BIRDS-- NO, NO! RAG IT, RAG IT!

FRANK

RAG IT. I KNOW. YOU GOTTA RAG IT, HONEY. LISTEN TO ME. FISH GOTTA SWIM, BIRDS GOTTA FLY FISH GOTTA SWIM, BIRDS GOTTA FLY OH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN. OK. FOLLOW JAKE. FOLLOW JAKE. SING OUT NOW.

IN RAGTIME

FRANK

FISH GOTTA SWIM, BIRDS GOTTA FLY I GOTTA LOVE ONE MAN TILL I DIE CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN OF MINE COME ON, BOSS? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

JIM

ALL RIGHT! SHE GET THE JOB? SURE! GREAT! DAT'S A RAINY DAY AND WHEN HE COMES BACK, THAT DAY IS FINE THE SUN WILL SHINE HE CAN COME HOME AS LATE AS CAN BE HOME WITHOUT HIM AIN'T NO HOME TO ME CAN'T HELP LOVIN' DAT MAN OF MINE

APPLAUSE

INTERLUDE

CHORUS

LET'S MAKE THE NEW YEAR FAR FROM A BLUE YEAR NO NEED TO THINK, JUST SING AND DRINK GOOD CHEER DROWN ALL YOUR SORROW, LIVE FOR TOMORROW JUST DRIFT ALONG WITH WINE AND SONG TONIGHT NO FOLLY COULD BE WRONG SO DRINK AND BE MERRY, HERE'S WHERE WE BURY ALL THOUGHT OF GLOOM WE HAVE NO ROOM FOR KILLJOYS NEW YEAR, WE GREET YOU, LET US ENTREAT YOU TO BRING GOOD LUCK, GOOD CHEER, GOOD FORTUNE TO THOSE WHO WELCOME YOU AS WE ALL DO WE HAVE NO ROOM FOR THOUGHTS OF GLOOM SEND THEM TO AN ETERNAL DOOM FOR LIFE KEEPS COMPELLING US AND TEMPTINGLY TELLING US THAT YOUTH CAN NEVER LAST AS LONG AS WE'D LIKE IT TO SO WE'RE PERSUADING YOU TO STOP ITS EVADING YOU AND LET IT NOT SLIP PAST, TRY TO HOLD TO IT FAST WHY SHOULD WE REMEMBER DECEMBER? THE OLD YEAR'S DONE, A HAPPY NEW YEAR HAS BEGUN JUST KEEP ON DREAMING AND SCHEMING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE A PERFECT ROUND OF WONDERFUL FUN WHY SHOULD ANYONE BE BLUE? LIFE IS FULL OF THINGS TO DO LET'S JUST BE JOLLY IN FOLLY, SUPREMELY GAY TO SPEED THE OLD YEAR AWAY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS JUST DEAR OLD INSTITUTIONS TO E'ER THE DAWN WE MAKE THEM NIGHT IN THE MORNING BREAK THEM THE PROMISES OF VIRTUE SURELY WILL NOT HURT YOU WHOLE WHISPER THEM DISCREETLY WORLD'S BRIGHT EARNESTLY AND SWEETLY WITH SHEER DELIGHT BRIGHT WITH SHEER DELIGHT LET'S MAKE THE NEW YEAR FAR FROM A BLUE YEAR JUST DRIFT ALONG WITH WINE AND SONG AND LAUGHTER SHOUT "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" HAPPY DAY!

DRUMROLL

CHORUS

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE TAKE PLEASURE IN PRESENTING FOR THEIR FIRST TIME AT THE TROCADERO, THOSE INTERNATIONAL FAVORITES, SCHULTZ AND SCHULTZ! SO YOU'RE GOING AWAY BECAUSE YOUR HEART HAS GONE ASTRAY AND YOU PROMISED ME THAT YOU WOULD ALWAYS FAITHFUL BE BUT IF YOU MUST GO REMEMBER, DEAR, I LOVE YOU SO AS THE STARS DO SHINE YOU'LL THINK OF WHEN I CALLED YOU MINE GOOD-BYE, MY LADY LOVE, FAREWELL, MY TURTLE DOVE YOU ARE THE IDOL AND DARLING OF MY HEART BUT SOMEDAY YOU WILL COME BACK TO ME AND LOVE ME TENDERLY SO GOOD-BYE MY LADY LOVE, GOOD-BYE GOOD-BYE, MY LADY LOVE, FAREWELL, MY TURTLE DOVE YOU ARE THE IDOL AND DARLING OF MY HEART BUT SOMEDAY YOU WILL COME BACK TO ME AND LOVE ME TENDERLY SO GOOD-BYE MY LADY LOVE, GOOD-BYE HEY!

TOOTS HORN

ANDY, SLURRING WORDS

CHORUS

I AIN'T DONE THIS IN YEARS! IT'LL DO YOU GOOD, POP. OH, IT'S ALREADY DOING ME GOOD. WHEE! HAPPY NEW YEAR! LOOK HERE, GIVE US THE BEST TABLE IN THE HOUSE. I THINK I KNOW THOSE 4 PEOPLE THAT WAS DOING THE CAKEWALK UP THERE. I MUSTA SEEN' EM SOMEWHERE BEFORE. WHOO! HEY, BRING US A QUART O' MUMM'S EXTRY AN' WHILE YOU'RE GONE, WE'LL BE LOKIN' AT THE "MINNY."

TOOTS HORN

CHORUS

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I AIN'T DONE THIS IN YEARS! WHAT'S MISTLETOE? A VINE OR A VEGETABLE? MISTLETOE IS AN EXCUSE! MWAH! MWAH! BY CRA-CKY, I AIN'T DONE THAT IN YEARS! WHY, IF IT AIN'T FRANKIE! I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU AND ELLIE UP THERE DOIN' THAT TURN. I HAVEN'T SEEN--GIRLS, THIS IS AND OLD FRIEND OF MINE--MR. SCHULTZ, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN YEARS. FRANK, THIS IS MISS SO-AND-SO, AND THIS IS MISS THING-A-MA-BOB. CAP, WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE NOW? OH, JUST DROPPED IN. PARTHY AN' ME CAME TO CHICAGO TO SURPRISE GAY AND NOLA. BUT THEY AIN'T STOPPING AT THE SHERMAN HOUSE ANYMORE. OH, NO, THEY AIN'T, NO. WELL, I'LL PROBABLY FIND 'EM TOMORROW. ANYWAY,

I LEFT PARTHY AT THE HOTEL ABOUT 8

00 TO TAKE A WALK

AND EVER SINCE 10

00, I BEEN TRYIN' TO THINK OF AN EXCUSE

WHY I WASN'T BACK HOME BY 9

00! NOLA'S--NOLA'S HERE. HERE? YEAH, SHE'S ACTIN'. ACTIN'. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ACTIN'? GAY WOULD NEVER LET HER. NO, NO, GAY'S GONE. GONE! YEAH, WENT BROKE AND QUIT. I'M TELLIN' YOU ALL THIS 'CAUSE SHE'S OPENING TONIGHT. WE WANT EVERYTHING TO GO SMOOTH, RIGHT? IT WOULD BE AWFUL IF SHE DIDN'T MAKE A HIT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN IF SHE DIDN'T MAKE A HIT? MY NOLA'LL STAND THIS CROWD ON THEIR EARS! SHE'S BOUND TO. GIRLS, MY DAUGHTER IS SINGIN' HERE TONIGHT. ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A DAUGHTER? NO, BUT I GOT ONE!

DRUMROLL

WHY I WASN'T BACK HOME BY 9

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT MISS JULIE WANDELL IS INDISPOSED AND CANNOT PERFORM TONIGHT.

CUSTOMERS GROANING

JIM

HOWEVER, HOWEVER, WE ARE FORTUNATE IN OBTAINING THE SERVICES OF MISS MAGNOLIA RAVENAL, WHO WILL SING FOR YOU AN OLD FAVORITE.

MUSIC PLAYING

JIM

MAGNOLIA RAVENAL. WHO THE HELL IS SHE? I'LL SHOW YOU WHO THE HELL SHE IS!

SINGING WEAKLY

JIM

A LITTLE MAIDEN CLIMBED AN OLD MAN'S KNEE

MAN

AH, COME ON! QUIET! BEGGED FOR A STORY, "DO, UNCLE, PLEASE"

CUSTOMERS MURMURING

MAN

BE QUIET! WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?

RATTLING NOISEMAKER

MAN

WHY LIVE ALONE?

ANDY

STOP THAT!

MAN

GET THE HOOK! HAVE YOU NO BABIES? HAVE--

ANDY

NOLA!

SINGING STRONGER

ANDY

I HAD A SWEETHEART, YEARS, YEARS AGO NOLIE! WHERE SHE IS NOW, PET, YOU SOON WILL KNOW SMILE, NOLA! LIST TO THE STORY I'LL TELL IT ALL I BELIEVED HER FAITHLESS AFTER THE BALL AFTER THE BALL IS OVER AFTER THE BREAK OF MORN AFTER THE DANCERS LEAVING AFTER THE STARS ARE GONE THAT'S MY GIRL! MANY A HEART IS ACHING IF YOU COULD READ THEM ALL MANY A HOPE THAT HAS VANISHED AFTER THE BALL EVERYBODY!

ALL

AFTER THE BALL IS OVER AFTER THE BREAK OF MORN AFTER THE DANCERS LEAVING AFTER THE STARS ARE GONE MANY A HEART IS ACHING IF YOU COULD READ THEM ALL MANY A HOPE THAT HAS VANISHED AFTER THE BALL

APPLAUSE

ANDY

3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

TOOT

INTERLUDE

ANDY

NEW THINGS COME, AND OL' THINGS GO BUT ALL THINGS LOOK THE SAME TO JOE WAR GOES ON, AND SOME FOLKS DIE THE REST FORGET THE REASON WHY AH KEEPS LAUGHING INSTEAD O' CRYIN' AH MUS' KEEP LIVIN' UNTIL I'M DYIN' BUT OL' MAN RIVER, HE JUST--

QUEENIE

JOE! WHAT? WHAT? THERE YOU IS! WHAT KEPT YA? I NEED THAT FLOUR TO BAKE THE BREAD WITH. YOU GOT ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT ME TO DO? 'CAUSE WHY? CAUSE'N IF YOU AIN'T, I GOT SOME WHITTLIN' LEF' OVER FROM THIS MORNIN'. AH DECLARE, WE BEEN MARRIED OVER 40 YEARS. I TELL YOU, I'M BEGINNIN' TO GET A LITTLE DISCOURAGED WITH YOU.

LAUGHTER

QUEENIE

YOU DON'T DO NOTHIN' LIKE OTHER FOLKS! YOU DON' COOK LIKE ME. YOU DON' ACT LIKE THE SHOW FOLKS. YOU DON' WORK ON THE TOW BOAT. WHAT DO YOU DO? WELL, UH, I JUST SHELLED THEM PEANUTS. WELL, YOU AIN'T PICKIN' 'EM UP. WELL, I COULDA IF YOU DIDN'T DO IT. I CAN DO A LOT OF THINGS IF IT WAS NECESSARY. WELL, WHY DON'CHA? IT AIN'T NECESSARY.

LAUGHTER

QUEENIE

KEEP ON A-NAGGIN' AND BULLYRAGGIN' AND CRITICIZIN', AND CALL ME PIZEN AH AIN'T APOLOGIZIN', NO SIREE! NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, AH STILL SUITS ME DE RAG YOU'RE CHEWIN' MUS' BE A RUIN KEEP ON A-KNOCKIN', KEEP ON A-MOCKIN' MY ROCKIN' CHAIR AIN'T ROCKIN', NO SIREE! NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, AH STILL SUITS ME DOES YA EVER WASH THE DISHES? DOES YOU DO THE THINGS I WISHES? DOES YOU DO 'EM? NO, YOU DON'T! WILL YOU DO DEM? NO, YOU WON'T! WHEN THERE'S ANY WORKIN' TO IT, I'M THE ONE THAT'S GOT TO DO IT! WHEN IT'S RAININ' WHO'S THE FELLA USES UP THE WHOLE UMBRELLA? SELFISH AS A MAN CAN BE! NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, AH STILL SUITS ME YOU DON'T MAKE MONEY! AH KNOW DAT, HONEY! I NEVER SEE NONE AIN'T GONNA BE NONE BUT DAT DON' WORRY ME NONE, NO SIREE! SHIFTLESS! LIFELESS! NO GOOD! NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, AH STILL SUITS ME I MAY BE NO GOOD, NO GOOD FO' YOUR GOOD I MAY BE LIFELESS, BUT WITH ONE WIFE LESS MAH LIFE WOULD BE MO' STRIFELESS, YES SIREE! NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY AH STILL SUITS ME DOES YOU EVER WASH THE DISHES? DOES YOU DO THE THINGS AH WISHES? DOES YOU DO THEM? NO YOU DON'T! WILL YOU DO THEM? NO, YOU WON'T! HMM! ALWAYS IMITATIN' ME AN' ALWAYS AGGRAVATION' ME! THEN IN SPITE OF EV'RYTHING, IN SPITE OF ALL THE GRIEF YOU BRING EXPECTIN' ME TO LOVE YOU TRUE NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, AH THINKS YOU DO COME ON, GIRL. COME ON.

MAGNOLIA SINGING "CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN O' MINE" ON RADIO

MAGNOLIA

HOME WITHOUT HIM... THAT SONG TAKES ME BACK A LONG TIME. GUESS YOU AIN'T HEARD HER VOICE IN MORE'N 20 YEARS, HUH? OH, YES. I SNEAKED INTO A THEATER ONCE WHEN SHE PLAYED CHICAGO. OOH!

SONG ENDS

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO

THE LADY YOU JUST HEARD WAS MAGNOLIA RAVENAL SINGING ONE OF THE SOUTHERN SONGS THAT MADE HER FAMOUS. SHE RETIRED FROM THE STAGE SEVERAL YEARS AGO, BUT HER GREAT THEATRICAL NAME IS KEPT ON BY HER DAUGHTER, KIM RAVENAL, THE MUSICAL COMEDY STAR. OUR NEXT ENTERTAINMENT IS... WHEN NOLA GETS BACK FROM THE BROADCASTIN' STUDIO, SHE'LL GIT MY TELEGRAM. I WONDER IF YOU SHOULD HAVE SENT IT. OH, I DIDN'T TELL HER YOU WAS HERE. I JUST SAID FOR HER AND KIM TO COME DOWN. I HAD A SURPRISE. DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY'LL LEAVE TONIGHT? OH, SURE AS SHOOTIN'. GOSH, IT'S LIKE FATE, ME BUMPIN' INTO YOU AT FORT ADAMS YESTERDAY. I'M ALMOST AFRAID TO WAIT FOR NOLA. OH, YOU WON'T HAVE TO WAIT LONG. THAT TRAIN SHOULD BE HERE BY TOMORROW NIGHT. THINGS MOVE FAST THESE DAYS, GAY. YES, THEY DO. REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A WILD YOUNG BUCK IN CHICAGO? I REMEMBER. CAPTAIN ANDY... WON'T IT BE BETTER IF I JUST DROP OUT OF SIGHT AGAIN? HER LIFE IS HAPPY AND COMPLETE. SHE DOESN'T NEED ME NOW. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, GAY. ANYWAY, DON'T YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE KIM? I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO SEE HER. BUT I DON'T DARE. AH! TROUBLE IS, YOU KEEP BLAMIN' YOURSELF FOR THINGS. FACT IS, YOU WAS JUST UNLUCKY, AND I DON'T MEAN IN GAMBLIN'. THE LUCKY PEOPLE ARE THE ONES WHO GET TO DO WHAT THEY ENJOY DOIN'. I ALWAYS ENJOYED RUNNIN' A SHOW BOAT. AND I MADE A SUCCESS OF IT. NOW, NOLA WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE ON THE STAGE, AND SHE FINALLY LANDED THERE. BUT YOU! YOU WAS MEANT TO BE A GENTLEMAN. YOUR BIG MISTAKE WAS EVER TRYIN' TO EARN A LIVIN'.

LAUGHTER

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO

NO ONE EVER EXPECTED THAT OF YOU. YOU KNOW, YOU WAS ON THE RIGHT TRACK WHEN YOU STARTED PLAYIN' A LEADIN' MAN ON THE RIVER. WHY, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A BIG BROADWAY ACTOR, AND THEN YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD TO WORK ANY MORE.

PARTHY

ANDREW! WELL, PARTHY'S CALLING. I GUESS I BETTER BE GOING. ANDY! NOW, DON'T YOU GO ANYWHERE, GAY. CAPTAIN ANDY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. MARRIED ALL THESE YEARS, AND EVERY TIME SHE CALLS, YOU JUMP. WHAT IS IT? WHAT HAS SHE GOT? A MEAN DISPOSITION.

LAUGHTER

PARTHY

THAT YOU, NOLA? YOU ARE LOVE HERE IN MY ARMS WHERE YOU BELONG AND HERE YOU WILL STAY I'LL NOT LET YOU AWAY I WANT DAY AFTER DAY WITH YOU YOU ARE SPRING BUT A ROMANCE UNFURLED YOU TAUGHT ME TO SEE ONE TRUTH FOREVER TRUE YOU ARE LOVE WONDER OF ALL THE WORLD WHERE YOU GO WITH ME, HEAVEN WILL ALWAYS BE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

INTERLUDE

PARTHY

COTTON BLOSSOM, COTTON BLOSSOM CAPTAIN ANDY'S FLOATING SHOW THRILLS AND LAUGHTER, CONCERT AFTER GET YOUR GIRL AND GO WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D LIVE TO BE BOSSED AROUND BY MY OWN GRANDDAUGHTER. WHY, SHE DON'T BOSS YOU, PARTHY. DIDN'T SHE BRING ME THIS DRESS THAT'S ABOVE MY KNEES? BUT IT LOOKS WONDERFUL! AND I LIKE YOUR HAIR, TOO. WELL, THAT'S KIM'S IDEA, TOO--A BOYISH BOB! WELL, SHE AIN'T GONNA MAKE A RED-HOT GRANDMAMA OUT OF ME! OH HO HO! AND NOW TO CONTINUE WITH THE CONCERT PORTION OF THIS EVENING'S ENTERTAINMENT,

WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE

THE TOAST OF BROADWAY, AND NOT INCIDENTALLY MY GRANDDAUGHTER, HERE SHE IS, OUR VERY OWN MISS KIM RAVENAL! HO HO! YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE! NOW UP IN THE NORTHERN LAND WOW! THEY'VE STARTED STRUTTIN' AND HOW! SOON AS THEY HEAR A BAND EV'RY MAN'S DAUGHTER STEPS TO MUDDY WATERS STEPS IT'S GETTIN' HOTTER IN THE NORTH EVERY DAY IT'S NOT THE TEMP'RATURE THAT'S MAKIN' IT THAT WAY IT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RE DANCIN' ALL THE TIME THE DANCES OF A WARMER CLIME IF YOU WANT LOVIN', GIRLS, YOU MUST LEARN TO STRUT THEY'LL LEAVE YOU COLD UNLESS YOU DO NOTHIN' ELSE BUT UP ON THE LEVEES OF BROADWAY, IT'S GETTING HOTTER EV'RY DAY THE LEVEE SHUFFLE OF THE SOUTH HAS TRAVELED NORTH BY HOOF AND MOUTH MAKIN' THEIR FEET SLOW DOWN, DOIN' THOSE NEAT, LOW-DOWN TWISTIN' AND TURNIN' STEPS, BLAZIN' AND BURNIN' STEPS IF YOU WANT LOVIN', GALS, YOU MUST LEARN TO STRUT THEY'LL LEAVE YOU COLD UNLESS YOU DO NOTHIN' ELSE BUT UP ON THE LEVEES OF BROADWAY, IT'S GETTIN' HOTTER EVERY DAY

APPLAUSE

WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE

COME ON, BOYS! DANCE WITH ME! FOLLOW ALONG. HA HA HA! OTHER SIDE. HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

MUSIC PACE QUICKENS

APPLAUSE

FRANK

CAP'N, MARVELOUS, MARVELOUS. CAP'N,

I'M SORRY WE HAVE TO LEAVE SO QUICKLY. WE MUST CATCH THE 11

00 BOAT. WE HATED TO LEAVE YOUR LITTLE ENTERTAINMENT. KIM'S SONG WAS VERY MODERN, AND THE PLAY ITSELF WAS VERY AMUSING. WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT. IT'S SO QUAINT. THINGS ARE SO, SO DIFFERENT IN HOLLYWOOD. BEING THE PARENTS OF LITTLE FRANKIE SCHULTZ, THE BOY WONDER OF THE SCREEN-- WELL, WE HAVE OUR SOCIAL POSITION TO MAINTAIN. TO THINK YOU TWO HAVIN' THE LUCK TO ADOPT A KID AND HIM GOIN' ON TO BE A SCREEN KNOCK-OUT EARNIN' A MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR! WELL, CAP'N ANDY, IF YOU HAPPEN TO FIND US IN BEAUTIFUL CALIFORNIA, DO LOOK US UP AT OUR PALATIAN VILLA.

LAUGHTER

I'M SORRY WE HAVE TO LEAVE SO QUICKLY. WE MUST CATCH THE 11

I SURE WILL. AND I'M SO GLAD YOU TWO ARE DOIN' SO WELL IN PICTURES. WELL, IT'S AN EXACTING ART AND BETWEEN YOU AND I, THE SOCIAL LIFE IN HOLLYWOOD IS SWIFT. OH, FRANK, DON'T BE SO MID-VICTROLA! COME, COME. CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN, REMEMBER 20 YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS HARD UP AND YOU LENT ME THAT $20? YEAH, AND YOU SAID, "TAKE IT, FRANK, AND WHEN YOU MAKE GOOD YOU CAN PAY ME. I AIN'T IN NO HURRY FOR IT." I REMEMBER. YEAH, I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU CAN SPARE ME ANOTHER 20 RIGHT NOW?

LAUGHTER

I'M SORRY WE HAVE TO LEAVE SO QUICKLY. WE MUST CATCH THE 11

UH, LET'S SEE. UH, YEAH, YEAH, I GUESS I CAN. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, CAP'N. THANK YOU SO MUCH. GOOD-BYE, NOW, CAP'N. GOOD-BYE. OH, BOY. THOSE MOTION PICTURE PEOPLE ARE WONDERFUL!

LAUGHTER

I'M SORRY WE HAVE TO LEAVE SO QUICKLY. WE MUST CATCH THE 11

AH, HELLO, GAY. I THINK SHE'LL COME OUT ON THE TOP DECK. GOOD NIGHT, HOPE. GOOD NIGHT, CAP'N ANDY. SHALL I CALL NOLA? I DON'T KNOW.

GIRL

HELLO, CAP'N ANDY! OH, IS YOUR MA WELL? FINE, THANKS. THANK HER FOR THE CHOCOLATE CAKE. GIRL I WILL. OH, GREAT SHOW, CAP'N ANDY! I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT. HOW ARE THE KIDS? ALL RIGHT. LITTLE ONE'S GOT A COLD. TOO BAD. CHANGE IN THE CLIMATE, I ASSUME. HA HA! NOLA, I DIDN'T SEE YOU DOWN HERE.

ANDY

NOLA, UM... HERE'S GAY. HERE SHE IS, GAY. GAY.

WOMAN

ISN'T THAT YOUR DAUGHTER, CAPTAIN HAWKS? THAT'S NOLA. HOW-DO? I REMEMBER YOU WHEN YOU WERE LEADING LADY ON THIS BOAT. AND THAT'S YOUR HUSBAND, ISN'T IT? HOW-DO, SIR? HOW DO YOU DO? I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED YOU BOTH. GUESS I OUGHT TO. WAS HERE ON THIS LEVEE THE DAY YOU WERE MARRIED. MY, MY, HOW EXCITED WE ALL WERE! THAT WAS A REAL LOVE MATCH! WELL, GLAD TO SEE IT TURNED OUT WELL AND YOU'RE STILL HAPPY TOGETHER. GOOD-NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, DEAR. FATHER, THIS IS A-- A NICE SURPRISE. GAY... COME OUT ON THE TOP DECK. WE CAN TALK THERE. WILL YOU? NOLA. UH, THE TOP DECK AIN'T AS PRIVATE AS IT ONCE WAS, WHAT WITH ALL THESE NEW-FANGLED ELECTRIC LIGHTS WE GOT NOW. LOOK,

GAY. JOE

I GETS WEARY THERE'S KIM. AND SICK O' TRYIN' I'M TIRED O' LIVIN' AND SCARED O' DYIN'

ALL

BUT OL' MAN RIVER, HE JUST KEEPS ROLLIN' ALONG

APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LOUD CHEERING

LOUD CHEERING

LOUD CHEERING

LOUD CHEERING

LOUD CHEERING

ALL

HE CAN COME HOME AS LATE AS CAN BE HOME WITHOUT HIM AIN'T NO HOME TO ME CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN O' MINE

LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

GLORIA ESTEFAN

Next time on the PBS Arts Fall Festival, get a front row seat for one of the world's most popular shows, when Great Performances presents Billy Elliot the Musical. ...electricity. Sparks inside of me Tony award winner and an audience favorite, it features the music of Elton John brought to life on a stage bursting with talent.

performance completes, applause

GLORIA ESTEFAN

I'm Gloria Estefan. Thanks for joining us, and we'll see you the next time on the PBS Arts Fall Festival. To find out more about the PBS Arts Fall Festival, go to pbs.org/arts.