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Act One

11/13/15 | 2h 19m 38s | Rating: TV-PG

Few have captured the magic of the theater better than Moss Hart, a poor kid from the Bronx who became a lion of Broadway. Now James Lapine reinvents Hart's memoir for the stage, creating a world as vivid and transformative as the stage itself. Starring Tony Shalhoub and Andrea Martin.

Live From Lincoln Center is made possible with support from the Family of Robert Wood Johnson III, the Audrey and Martin Gruss Foundation, The Robert and Renée Belfer Family Foundation, Mercedes T. Bass, and the National Endowment for the Arts.

Act One

AUDIENCE CHATTERING

APPLAUSE

WOMAN

I BELIEVE THIS IS THE FIRST ENGLISH COUNTRY HOUSE YOU HAVE STAYED AT, MISS WORSLEY? YES, LADY CAROLINE. YOU HAVE NO COUNTRY HOUSES, I AM TOLD, IN AMERICA? WE HAVE NOT MANY. HAVE YOU ANY COUNTRY? WHAT WE SHOULD CALL COUNTRY? WE HAVE THE LARGEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, LADY CAROLINE. AH, YOU MUST FIND IT DRAFTY, I SHOULD IMAGINE.

WOMAN LAUGHING LOUDLY

WOMAN

TEA, MISS WORSLEY? THANK YOU. WELL, YOU COULDN'T COME TO A MORE CHARMING PLACE THAN THIS, MISS WORSLEY. I MUST WARN YOU. DEAR LADY HUNSTANTON IS SOMETIMES A LITTLE LAX ABOUT THE PEOPLE SHE ASKS DOWN HERE. LORD ILLINGWORTH, OF COURSE, IS A MAN OF HIGH DISTINCTION, BUT MRS. ALLONBY IS HARDLY A VERY SUITABLE PERSON. I DISLIKE MRS. ALLONBY. IT IS SAID OF COURSE, THAT SHE RAN AWAY TWICE BEFORE SHE WAS MARRIED. BUT YOU KNOW HOW UNFAIR PEOPLE OFTEN ARE, DARLING. WELL, I MYSELF DON'T BELIEVE SHE RAN AWAY MORE THAN ONCE.

WOMAN LAUGHING LOUDLY

WOMAN

THE THEATER IS NOT SO MUCH A PROFESSION AS A DISEASE, AND AFTER ATTENDING MY FIRST PLAY AT THE AGE OF 11, IT WAS THE BEGINNING OF A LIFELONG INFECTION. YOU SEE, THE STAGE IS THE INEVITABLE REFUGE OF AN UNHAPPY CHILD, THE FIRST RETREAT AN UNHAPPY CHILD MAKES IS TO CONTRIVE A PLAY-WORLD OF HIS OWN, AND IT'S NOT A HUGE LEAP FROM THERE INTO THE FANTASY WORLD OF THE THEATER. I LEARNED EARLY ON THAT THEATER MADE POSSIBLE THE ART OF BEING SOMEONE ELSE, AND SO I DREAMED OF BEING AN ACTOR-- NOT JUST A SCRAWNY POOR KID WITH BAD TEETH, A FUNNY NAME, AND A MOTHER WHO WAS A DRUDGE. MY PARENTS WERE ENGLISH, MET IN LONDON BEFORE COMING TO AMERICA WITH MY MOTHER'S PARENTS AND HER SISTER KATE. SHORTLY AFTER THEY ARRIVED IN NEW YORK, MY GRANDMOTHER DIED-- PROBABLY UTTERING A GREAT SIGH OF RELIEF-- AND MY GRANDFATHER APPEARED AT MY PARENT'S DOORSTEP WITH MY AUNT KATE IN TOW. THE 5 OF US LIVED IN A SMALL TWO BEDROOM TENEMENT APARTMENT. WHEN I WAS 7, MY GRANDFATHER ALSO DIED, AND WE WERE FORCED TO TAKE IN BORDERS TO HELP MAKE ENDS MEET.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

TRAIN CLATTERING

CAR HORNS HONKING

DOG BARKING

WOMAN

AUNT KATE! OH, MOSSY, YOU STARTLED ME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE? WE THOUGHT YOU'D BE HOME BY NOW. IT WAS SUCH AN EXCITING NIGHT AT THE THEATER. GUESS WHO WAS IN ATTENDANCE. WHO? JOHN HYLAN, THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY. THERE WAS QUITE A CROWD. DID YOU SEE HIM? I HAD A VERY GOOD VIEW OF HIM FROM THE SECOND BALCONY. TELL ME ABOUT THE PLAY. WAS IT A COMEDY OR A DRAMA? IT WAS A COMEDY, I THINK. NOW COME INSIDE, AND I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT PROPERLY. HA HA HA! THERE YOU ARE. IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY LONG PLAY. I MINGLED WITH THE CROWD AFTER THE SHOW. THE MAYOR WAS IN ATTENDANCE. MY, MY, MY. WHERE'S THE PLAYBILL, AUNT KATE? HOLD ON, MOSSY. HOLD ON. LET YOUR AUNT GET SETTLED. CAN I TAKE IT OUT OF YOUR PURSE? THANK YOU. YES. YES IF YOU'RE VERY CAREFUL WITH IT! TELL ME ABOUT IT. OH, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU, LILLIE. OH, IT WAS CALLED "A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE" BY A MAN NAMED OSCAR WILDE. HE IS IRISH, BUT HIS PLAY IS ABOUT THE ENGLISH UPPER CLASS. LIKE US, LILLIE. JUST LIKE US. THE STORY CENTERS ON LORD ILLINGWORTH-- ILLINGWORTH? WONDERFUL NAME, ISN'T IT? HE'S A BACHELOR. HE'S QUITE A FLIRT. THE SECRET OF THE STORY SURROUNDS AN AFFAIR HE HAD YEARS AGO WITH A PIOUS SOCIETY LADY. WHAT DO YOU MEAN "AN AFFAIR"? THEY WERE VERY CLOSE FRIENDS...ONE NIGHT. YOU MEAN THEY SHTUPPED? OH, MOSSY, I'M NOT QUITE SURE THAT'S HOW OSCAR WILDE WOULD PUT IT. HA HA HA HEE! HEE HEE HEE! BUT YES. NOW, LORD ILLINGWORTH VISITS THE HOME OF THE RICH LADY HUNSTANTON, AND THEY-- OH, WILL THIS EVER END? I'LL GET THE MATCHES. WHY ARE THE LIGHTS OUT? DIDN'T YOU PUT ANOTHER COIN IN THE METER? NO. I THOUGHT YOU HAD. WELL, GIVE ME A QUARTER. NO LIGHT. WE KNOW, MRS. BOROFSKY.

WE PAY FOR LIGHT TO 11

00. WE KNOW. WE KNOW.

KATE

MOVE THE CANDLE OVER HERE, MOSSY. GIVE ME A QUARTER. WE ONLY HAVE NICKELS AND DIMES. GIVE THEM TO ME. MR. ILLINGWORTH MAKES THE ACQUAINTANCE OF A YOUNG AMERICAN WOMAN, AND-- KATE. KATE DO YOU HAVE A QUARTER? CERTAINLY NOT.

MR. BOROFSKY

I GOT QUARTER. THANK YOU, MR. BOROFSKY. THANK YOU, MR. BOROFSKY.

COFFEE 6

30. OF COURSE THE PLAYWRIGHT SETS UP... YES, MRS. BOROFSKY. THESE CHARACTERS TO MEET AT A PARTY... WITH MILK. WITH MILK. GIVEN BY LADY HUNSTANTON... HOT. VERY HOT. ARE YOU QUITE DONE? TO MEET AT A PARTY GIVEN BY LADY HUNSTANTON. IT'S ABOUT TIME. OH, WHERE WAS I, MOSSY? NOW LADY HUNSTANTON-- KATE, YOU DON'T HAVE A QUARTER? I BEG YOUR PARDON? YOU HEARD ME. COULDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO LOOK IN YOUR PURSE. I DON'T THINK I CARE FOR YOUR TONE. LET'S NOT RAISE OUR VOICES. WE'LL WAKE THE BABY, AND THE BOROFSKYS ARE ALREADY PUT OUT. THE BOROFSKYS ARE PEASANTS. THE BOROFSKYS PAY US RENT. THE BOROFSKYS ALLOW US TO EAT. THE BOROFSKYS ALLOW YOU TO GO OFF TO THE THEATER WHILE WE-- THAT IS UNTRUE, AND YOU KNOW IT. MY FATHER GAVE ME THAT MONEY-- IT'S NOT LIKE I ASKED YOU TO GIVE ME A QUARTER. HERE YOU GO AGAIN-- I KNOW YOU WOULD NEVER OFFER TO PAY-- SHUSH! BOTH OF YOU! YOU DO NOTHING. YOUR SISTER AND I SLEEP ON THE COUCH-- STOP! YOU'RE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE. IS IT MY FAULT YOU CAN'T PROVIDE FOR US? I AM PROVIDING, BUT I DIDN'T MARRY YOU, DID I? YOU WOULD JUST AS SOON I END UP WORKING FOR THE CUBANS IN MY SPARE TIME-- I'M SURE THE CUBANS WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO HAVE YOU-- WELL, I AM NOT GOING TO HUMILIATE MYSELF ROLLING CIGARS IN A STORE WINDOW FOR YOUR BENEFIT! OH STOP, ALREADY!

MR. BOROFSKY

STOP. GENUG! QUIET! I'M SORRY, MR. BOROFSKY--OH, OH!

BABY CRYING

MR. BOROFSKY

NO I'M SORRY, MOSSY. I CAN'T SHARE MY EVENING WITH YOU. THAT WOMAN IS GOING TO SEND ME OVER THE EDGE! DO YOU THINK WE COULD HAVE JUST ONE DAY--

FATHER

NO! MAKE UP THE COUCH! I'M TIRED!

KNOCKS ON WALL

FATHER

AUNT KATE? WHAT IS IT, MOSSY? WILL YOU FINISH TELLING ME ABOUT THE PLAY? NOT NOW, DEAR. I'M TOO UPSET. MAY I BORROW THE PLAYBILL? IF YOU'RE VERY CAREFUL WITH IT, COME IN. OH, MOSSY, WHAT'S WONDERFUL ABOUT THE THEATER IS THE LIGHTS GO OUT ONLY WHEN THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO. I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME TO THE THEATER. NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER, BUT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS. YOU KNOW THAT YOUR FATHER WOULD NEVER HEAR OF IT. WE DON'T HAVE TO TELL HIM. AND HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO THAT? WELL, DON'T YOU GO SOMETIMES DURING THE DAY? LAST TIME I CHECKED, YOU WERE IN SCHOOL DURING THE DAY. NO ONE WOULD EVEN NOTICE IF I WERE GONE. MOSS. I'M SHOCKED AT YOUR UNDERHANDED THINKING! LIKE THAT IAGO CHARACTER? HO HO HO! HO HO! HA HA HA! HOPEFULLY NOT! I WANT TO GO MORE THAN ANYTHING. OH, DEAR BOY. AND I WANT TO TAKE YOU, AND ONE DAY I WILL TAKE YOU. YOUR FATHER WILL NOT-- HE W-- THERE'S A MATINEE TOMORROW AT THE ALHAMBRA. 2:00 CURTAIN. 7th AVENUE, 126th STREET. HEH HEH. I MIGHT JUST BE OUTSIDE WAITING.

HART

THUS BEGAN A HAPPY TRADITION OF MY STAYING OUT OF SCHOOL ON THURSDAY AFTERNOONS AND ATTENDING SHOWS AT THE ALHAMBRA. I WAS A LONELY FIGURE. I--I SPOKE WITH A FAINT ENGLISH ACCENT, AND MY MANNER OF SPEAKING WAS, WELL, A TRIFLE TOO THEATRICAL FOR THE BRONX. AND UNLIKE EVERY OTHER BOY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, I WAS NOT ATHLETIC. I LIKED TO READ. SO PIP'S UNCLE PUMBLECHOOK HAS ARRANGED FOR HIM TO GO THE NEXT DAY TO MEET A RICH OLD SPINSTER WHO GOES BY THE NAME MISS HAVISHAM. I WOULD BRING A BOOK WITH ME AS I WATCHED THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS PLAY STICKBALL. A BOY ASKED ME ONE DAY WHAT I WAS READING, AND I BEGAN TO TELL HIM THE STORY. SUDDENLY, THE OTHERS GATHERED AROUND, BEGINNING WHAT BECAME OUR EVENING RITUAL. I COULDN'T SWING A BAT, BUT I SOON DISCOVERED THAT I COULD WIN THEIR FRIENDSHIP BY TELLING A GREAT TALE. AND WHEN PIP ARRIVES AT MISS HAVISHAM'S RUN-DOWN MANSION, WHO OPENS THE GATE FOR HIM BUT A VERY BEAUTIFUL GIRL NAMED ESTELLA. AND JUST AS I WOULD GET TO THE MOST EXCITING PART OF THE STORY-- GENTLEMEN, I KNOW, YOU WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT ESTELLA, BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT. THAT'S AS FAR AS I'VE GOTTEN IN THE BOOK. OTHER WORDS OF MINE WOULD BE LISTENED TO BY LARGER AND MORE FASHIONABLE AUDIENCES, BUT FOR THIS TOUGH AND GRIMY ONE HUDDLED ON THE STOOP, I'VE ALWAYS HAD THE GREATEST AFFECTION.

SIREN

DOG BARKING, HORNS HONKING

HART

THERE YOU ARE! WATCH AFTER BERNIE. I GOT TO FOLD THE LAUNDRY-- WHAT IS IT? YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD. MY STOMACH. I GOT TO GO.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

KATE

CAN'T YOU SEE THE WATER CLOSET'S OCCUPIED? KATE, MOSSY NEEDS TO USE THE BATHROOM. HOLD ON! COME HERE. LET ME SEE IF YOU HAVE A FEVER. NO. ACH. HAVE YOU SEEN MY BOOKS? NO. MOSS? WHAT BOOKS? THE BOROFSKYS GAVE ME A FEW OF THEIR BOOKS. I DIDN'T TOUCH THEM. WHAT IS IT? I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM BAD.

LILLIE

KATE, COME ON! MOSSY REALLY HAS TO GO!

KATE

HOLD YOUR HORSES. HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN IN THERE? GET OUT OF THERE, KATE! MOSSY NEEDS TO GO! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I'M OUT OUT OF THE BATHROOM. IS EVERYBODY HAPPY? HAVE YOU SEEN THE BOOKS THE BOROFSKYS GAVE ME? YOU MEAN THOSE OLD DUSTY ONES THAT WERE IN THE LIVING ROOM? YES! I GAVE THEM TO MRS. ROSENBLOOM UPSTAIRS. KATE. THOSE WERE A GIFT TO ME FROM THE BOROFSKYS WHEN THEY LEFT. GO UPSTAIRS AND GET THEM BACK. HO HO! YOU DON'T ASK FOR A GIFT BACK. ONE DOESN'T DO SUCH A THING. I WILL GO UPSTAIRS AND-- YOU'LL DO NO SUCH THING. KATE WILL GO UPSTAIRS AND GET THOSE BOOKS BACK. THEY WERE MINE. YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO THEM. OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKES, WHY ARE YOU CARRYING ON? THEY WERE JUST SOME OLD SOCIALIST NONSENSE BY EUGENE DEBS. WE'RE LUCKY TO HAVE THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE. NO. WE'LL BE THE LUCKY ONES TO HAVE YOU OUT OF OUR HOUSE. PACK YOUR BAGS! ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH. ENOUGH? YES, EXACTLY. ENOUGH. PACK UP YOUR THINGS. YOU'RE JOKING. GET YOUR DAMN THINGS! STOP ACTING SO FOOLISHLY! NOW, CALM DOWN BARNETT. JUST KEEP FOLDING THE LAUNDRY. DO YOU THINK YOUR SISTER KATE WOULD EVER LIFT A FINGER TO HELP YOU AROUND HERE? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. I'M FOLDING THE LAUNDRY. HOW DARE YOU CALL ANYTHING EUGENE DEBS WROTE "NONSENSE"? YOU'RE NONSENSE. GET IN YOUR ROOM AND START PACKING, OR I WILL DO IT FOR YOU. PAPA, NO! YOU WILL STAY OUT OF THIS IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!

KATE CRYING

KATE

KATE, YOU ARE LEAVING THIS HOUSE. NOW! YOU DON'T MEAN IT-- ME OR HER. YOU CHOOSE. PLEASE DON'T-- MOSS, GATHER UP ANYTHING THAT YOU FIND THAT BELONGS TO YOUR AUNT. GET HER BATHROOM THINGS. GET GOING! GET GOING! I WILL GIVE YOU 5 MINUTES! YOU'RE LEAVING HERE WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR BELONGINGS! WHERE AM I GOING TO GO? THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. YOU HAVE MONEY, EH? MONEY YOU'VE NEVER ONCE BOTHERED TO SHARE WITH US. WE GAVE YOU A PLACE TO LIVE. WE--WE'VE FED YOU, AND WHAT HAVE YOU GIVEN US? THE BOROFSKYS... THE BOROFSKYS GAVE ME A GIFT. WHEN DOES ANYONE EVER GIVE ME ANYTHING?! AND WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU GIVE IT AWAY. MOSS! 3 MINUTES, KATE! I BEG YOU-- NO. STOP. STOP YOUR CRYING. YOUR SISTER AND I ARE GOING TO STOP SLEEPING ON THE SOFA AND TAKE YOUR BED! I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN YOU OUT OF HERE YEARS AGO! ONE MORE MINUTE! I SWEAR, I WILL THROW YOU OUT ON THE STREET WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR BELONGINGS. COME OUT OF THERE NOW! KATE, NOW! LILLIAN, SAY GOOD-BYE TO YOUR SISTER. SAY GOOD-BYE, MOSS. NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE WILL EVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN. NEVER SO MUCH AS MENTION YOUR NAME. GOOD-BYE!

KATE AND LILLIE CRYING

KATE

GOOD-BYE, AUNT KATE. YOUR FATHER IS AN EVIL, EVIL MAN. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM FOR THIS.

BERNIE CRYING

KATE

AND MY ANGER TOWARDS MY FATHER WAS ONLY GOING TO GROW. WHEN I REACHED THE EIGHTH GRADE, I WENT TO WORK IN THE SUMMER FOR A FURRIER, BUT MY FATHER NEVER ALLOWED ME TO RETURN TO SCHOOL. THE MONEY I BROUGHT INTO THE FAMILY WAS MORE IMPORTANT. THROUGHOUT MOST OF MY LIFE WHEN ANYONE ASKED ABOUT MY SCHOOLING, I LIED. THAT SENSE OF SHAME HUNG OVER ME FOR A VERY LONG TIME. HEY, HART. QUIT READING YOUR PAPER. HEY. DID THE YANKEES WIN LAST NIGHT? HE DON'T READ THE SPORTS PAGE. ASK HIM WHAT THEATER SHOW OPENED. THAT HE KNOWS. HUH? DON'T STRAIN YOURSELF THINKING ABOUT IT. IS IT ME, OR ARE THESE SKINS STINKING EVEN MORE? IT'S YOU. NO, I AGREE. I THINK THEY'RE NOT CLEANING THEM WELL ENOUGH. THANK YOU, MOSS. I'M NOT CRAZY. THEY GOT A FEW NEW GUYS OVER THERE. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN YOU GOT A BUNCH OF LEPRECHAUNS DOING THE WORK. HEY. WATCH YOUR TONGUE. MY MOTHER'S IRISH. IS SHE A LEPRECHAUN, TOO? I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR FACE TILL IT-- STOP IT! STOP! HEY. I'M MAKING A JOKE. ENOUGH! ANY-- ANYONE SEE DANIELS? I HEAR HE TOOK OFF FOR SCRANTON. GONNA WORK IN ONE OF THEM STEEL MILLS. YEAH. TRADING UP. HEY. DON'T LAUGH. THEY'RE MAKING MORE THAN WE'RE MAKING, AND IT'S A LOT CHEAPER TO LIVE IN SCRANTON. YEAH, BUT IT'S SCRANTON.

WORKERS LAUGHING

BELL RINGING

KATE

THE ONLY THING POVERTY WAS EVER GOOD FOR WAS THE DRIVE IT GAVE ME TO LEAVE IT BEHIND. ONE DAY WHEN I WENT OUT AT LUNCH, I JUST DECIDED I COULDN'T GO BACK INTO THAT VAULT AGAIN. I MADE MY WAY TO TIMES SQUARE TO SEE A NEIGHBOR, WHO HAD THE VERY JOB THAT I COVETED. GEORGE WAS AN OFFICE BOY FOR A THEATRICAL PRODUCER. THE IRONY WAS THAT GEORGE CARED NOTHING WHATSOEVER ABOUT THE THEATER. NO CASTING TODAY. COME BACK IN TWO WEEKS. DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? NO CASTING TODAY. I CAME TO SPEAK WITH GEORGE, PLEASE? WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH GEORGE? HE'S A NEIGHBOR. I THOUGHT I'D SURPRISE HIM. WELL, GEORGE ISN'T HERE. COULD I WAIT FOR HIM? THAT WILL BE A LONG WAIT. HE QUIT YESTERDAY. REALLY?! MAYBE HE'LL TELL YOU WHY HE WALKED OUT ON A JOB THAT PAYS $15 A WEEK. LAST TIME I DO A RELATIVE A FAVOR. GOOD-BYE. COULD--COULD I--COULD I HAVE HIS JOB, MA'AM? I JUST--I JUST QUIT MINE TODAY. WHAT IS IT WITH YOU BOYS, QUITTING PERFECTLY GOOD JOBS? MINE WAS FAR FROM PERFECT. MY NAME IS MOSS HART, MA'AM, AND YOUR NAME WOULD BE? BELLE. MISS BELLE, I WILL BE THE HARDEST WORKING OFFICE BOY YOU HAVE EVER HAD. WELL, I IT WOULD SAVE ME HAVING TO GO DOWN AND PUT AN AD IN THE PAP-- IS THAT YOU THAT SMELLS? OH, I'M SORRY. I--I CAME STRAIGHT FROM THE FURRIER WHERE I WORKED. NO WONDER YOU QUIT. YOU STINK. PROMISE YOU WON'T STINK TOMORROW? YES. GO IN AND SEE MR. PITOU. TELL HIM YOU WANT TO BE THE NEW OFFICE BOY, BUT DON'T TELL HIM YOU KNOW GEORGE. COME IN! YEAH. WHAT IS IT? MISS BELLE SENT ME IN TO SEE YOU, MR. PITOU. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I'M THE NEW OFFICE BOY? I KNOW I COULD DO IT BECAUSE I AM CRAZY ABOUT THE THEATER. WHAT? UH, YEAH, YEAH. IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH MISS BELLE IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME. $13 A WEEK. UM, MISS BELLE SAID IT WAS 15-- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. WE'LL SEE HOW IT GOES! SO YOU WANT IT OR DON'T YOU? OH, YES, SIR. I COULD START NOW. YEAH? WHAT'S YOUR NAME? MOSS HART, SIR. OK. MOUSE, TAKE THIS BOOKING SHEET TO MR. GEORGE TYLER ON THE FOURTH FLOOR AND TAKE THIS NOTE UP TO GOLDIE, MR. ZIEGFELD'S SECRETARY. SHE'S ON THE FIFTH. YOU WAIT FOR AN ANSWER IN BOTH PLACES. THANK YOU, MR. PITOU. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THIS MEANS. I LOVE THE THEATER-- WELL, I DON'T. I LOATHE IT. GO BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND! I GOT IT! WHAT'S THE MATTER? I GOT THE JOB! BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE, GO OUT AND GET ME A CONTAINER OF COFFEE AND A BOTTLE OF ASPIRIN. MY HEAD IS SPLITTING.

PITOU

BELLE, GET IN HERE! SOMETHING STINKS IN THIS OFFICE! MR. AUGUSTUS PITOU WAS KNOWN AS THE "KING OF ONE NIGHT STANDS". HE WOULD FIND A PLAY, ASSEMBLE AN ARRAY OF ACTORS, AND WITH A MAP OF THE UNITED STATES, HE WOULD SEND OUT HIS COMPANY TO PLACES LIKE GREEN BAY AND EAU CLARE. THERE WAS NOT A HARDER WORKER OR A HAPPIER OFFICE BOY THAN ME. I AM ALMOST ASHAMED TO RELATE THAT WITHIN 6 MONTHS' TIME I DISPLACED MISS BELLE AND BECAME THE SECRETARY MYSELF. SORRY. MY FIRST YEAR AT PITOU'S OFFICE, THERE WERE 70 BROADWAY THEATERS GOING FULL BLAST. ONE WEEK, 11 NEW PLAYS ALL OPENED ON THE SAME NIGHT! MOSS, I GOT TICKETS FOR "ANNA CHRISTIE" OR "SHUFFLE ALONG" TONIGHT. YOU IN THE MOOD TO THINK AND BE DEPRESSED OR INTERESTED IN A LITTLE MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENT? I WANT TO SEE IF I CAN GET INTO "GEORGE WHITE'S SCANDALS". I SAW IT LAST NIGHT. THERE'S THIS NEW FUNNY GUY, UH, RAY BOLGER. HE'S SWELL, BUT PERSONALLY, I'LL TAKE THE "ZIEGFELD FOLLIES" ANY DAY. I GOT "LILLIOM" AND "PEG O' MY HEART". CAN YOU GET ME TICKETS TO THE "FOLLIES"? NOT THIS WEEK, MAYBE NEXT WEEK. HEY, HEY, HEY. WHAT IS THIS, A CONVENTION? SORRY, MR. PITOU. HELLO, MR. PITOU. EDDIE, TELL MR. ZIEGFELD THAT MRS. PITOU AND I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THE SHOW SATURDAY NIGHT. ALL I'M HEARING ABOUT IS THIS JOSEPHINE BAKER. OOH. IS SHE REALLY AS, UH, ZA ZA ZA LA LA LOLLY AS EVERYBODY SAYS SHE IS? SIR, SHE'S AMAZING. I'LL ARRANGE THE TICKETS. BYE, MOSS. BYE. MOSS,

I'LL MEET YOU AT CHILDS AT 7

00. I'LL GET TICKETS FOR SOMETHING. SURE. MOUSE, DID YOU GO OVER THE TRAIN SCHEDULE? YES, SIR. AND I NEED YOU TO CONTACT MR. REILLY IN INDIANA-- I ALREADY DID, MR. PITOU. HE'S EXPECTING TO HEAR FROM YOU TOMORROW WITH THE NUMBERS. I'VE TAKEN CARE OF EVERYTHING. WHY DO I ASK? GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT. SAY HELLO TO MRS. PITOU. MEH. GET ME JEFFERSON-2841, PLEASE.

TELEPHONE RINGING

I'LL MEET YOU AT CHILDS AT 7

CLARA HIRSCH HOME FOR WORKING GIRLS. MAY I HELP YOU? I'M TRYING TO REACH KATE BENTWHICH. I UNDERSTAND SHE'S LIVING THERE. HOLD THE WIRE. OH, MISS BENTWHICH, YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL. OH.

DEEP VOICE

I'LL MEET YOU AT CHILDS AT 7

HELLO? AUNT KATE, IT'S MOSS.

NORMAL VOICE

I'LL MEET YOU AT CHILDS AT 7

HOW DID YOU FIND ME? I SAW COUSIN LEO LAST WEEKEND. HE TOLD ME WHERE YOU WERE. IT TOOK YOU 7 YEARS TO ASK WHERE I WAS? IT TOOK YOU 7 YEARS TO FIND ME? I'M SORRY, AUNT KATE. I-- I WAS FORBIDDEN TO CONTACT YOU. FORBIDDEN? MY, MY, MY. WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT, MOSS? I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE TRIED TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU SOONER. I--I APOLOGIZE. SO NOW YOU'VE APOLOGIZED. IS THAT IT? NO. NO, NO, NO. NO. ACTUALLY, I WAS CALLING TO INVITE YOU TO JOIN ME TO SEE A BROADWAY SHOW. IT'S CALLED "HIGH GEAR". TUESDAY NIGHT. AND WHERE DID YOU COME BY THESE TICKETS? I'M WORKING IN THE THEATER NOW, AUNT KATE. I'M WORKING FOR THE PRODUCER MR. AUGUSTUS PITOU. AUNT KATE? IS THIS A JOKE? NO. NO, NO, NO. NO. NOT AT ALL. OH, MOSS, I'M SO VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOU. MR. AUGUSTUS PITOU. I KNOW THE NAME. REMIND ME OF HIS CREDITS. HE BOOKS SECOND-CLASS TOURING SHOWS. OH, YES. YES. HE'S A VERY IMPORTANT MAN IN THE THEATER. I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SUCCESS. ALL RIGHT.

SO I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 6

00 ON TUESDAY. I SHALL BE WAITING. AUNT KATE? HEH. LOOK AT YOU. ALL GROWN UP. HELLO, AUNT KATE. YOU FAVOR OUR SIDE OF THE FAMILY, THANK GOD. WHAT EXACTLY IS THIS PLACE? IT'S A HOME FOR YOUNG WOMEN WHO HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO STAY. I HELP THEM OUT HERE. I HAVE ADMINISTRATIVE RESPONSIBILITIES-- CUSTODIAN OF LINENS, A MUCH SOUGHT AFTER POSITION. SHALL WE?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

KATE

WHAT? FROM NOW ON, AUNT KATE, WE SIT IN THE ORCHESTRA. HOME AT LAST.

HART

IT DIDN'T MATTER TO US THAT WE WERE ALMOST ALONE IN THE THEATER, FOR THE PLAY WAS ABYSMAL AND ONE OF THE BIGGEST FLOPS OF THE SEASON. WE SAT THERE WITH VAST EMPTY SPACES ALL AROUND US, UTTERLY OBLIVIOUS, PERFECTLY CONTENT.

CHURCH BELL RINGS

TRAIN CLATTERING

DOG BARKING

HART

MOSS, WHEN ARE WE GOING TO PLAY GIN? MOSS? I TOLD YOU, BERNIE, I GOT TO FINISH READING THESE SCRIPTS. WHY? MR. PITOU CAN'T FIND A PLAY FOR NEXT SEASON, AND HE ASKED ME TO SEE IF THESE WERE ANY GOOD, AND IT'S A BIG DEAL HE ASKED ME TO DO IT. YOU GET PAID EXTRA? NO. BUT YOU BEEN READING PLAYS ALL WEEKEND. I KNOW, AND THEY ALL STINK. I'LL GET THE CARDS. BERNIE, TAKE THE SOUP TO THE POLACKS. WHERE'D YOU GET THAT OLD THING? COUSIN LEO GAVE IT TO ME. WHAT ARE YOU TYPING? "ACT ONE, SCENE ONE." NOW WHAT'S HE DOING? WRITING A PLAY, I GUESS. YOU'RE NO FUN, MOSS. NO FUN. I'LL BE ON THE ROOF. THE MOMENT WAS NOT ACCOMPANIED BY ANY SENSIBLE THOUGHT LIKE "I COULD WRITE A BETTER PLAY THAN ANY OF THE ONES I WAS READING." NO, I WAS SIMPLY BORED.

BY 12

00 THAT NIGHT, I HAD FINISHED THE FIRST ACT. I GAVE IT THE TITLE, "THE BELOVED BANDIT," AND WITH NO INTENTION OF CLAIMING IT AS MY OWN, NAMED THE AUTHOR ROBERT ARNOLD CONRAD, THE FIRST 3 NAMES THAT CAME TO ME OF SOME OF THE BOYS ON THE BLOCK. GOOD MORNING, MR. PITOU. YEAH? WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT IT? I READ ALL WEEKEND. NOTHING. DID YOU FIND ANYTHING? OH, NO, SIR. I NEED A PLAY. I DON'T HAVE A PLAY, I DON'T HAVE A SEASON!

MOSS

WELL, I DID READ ONE ACT OF A PLAY I THINK HAS PROMISE. YEAH? WHO'S IT BY? ROBERT ARNOLD CONRAD. HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE. YEAH. ALL RIGHT. WELL, UH... GIVE IT TO ME. AND GET ME A POPPY ROLL WITH MY COFFEE. I DON'T BELIEVE I GAVE IT EVEN A PASSING THOUGHT DURING THE REST OF THE DAY. I MEANT IT TO BE A MILD JOKE TO ENLIVEN THE DRUDGERY OF FINDING A NEW VEHICLE FOR THE TOURING COMPANY. WE FOUND IT! THIS IS IT! WHAT? "THE BELOVED BANDIT"! IF THE SECOND AND THIRD ACTS HOLD UP, WE'RE HOME FREE. WHEN CAN YOUR FRIEND GET ME THE SECOND ACT? OH, UH, UH, TOMORROW MORNING MAYBE. EXCELLENT. UH, TAKE A LETTER TO MR. CONRAD. SURE, SURE. THAT NIGHT, I JUST STAYED AT THE OFFICE AND WROTE ACT TWO.

IT TOOK ME UNTIL ALMOST 5

00 IN THE MORNING, BUT I FINISHED IT. BLEARY-EYED, I HANDED IT TO MR. PITOU, AND HE READ IT IMMEDIATELY. MOUSE, I LIKE THIS SECOND ACT. OH, GOOD. TELEPHONE YOUR FRIEND, TELL HIM TO COME SEE ME TOMORROW MORNING. NO, NO, NO, NO. BETTER YET, YOU GIVE ME HIS NUMBER. I WILL CALL HIM. I TACKLED THE THIRD ACT. THIRD ACTS ARE NOTORIOUSLY TOUGH, EVEN FOR A SEASONED WRITER, AND THAT NIGHT, ROBERT ARNOLD CONRAD WAS TOO TIRED TO FINISH, SO ROBERT ARNOLD CONRAD STALLED FOR ANOTHER DAY BEFORE COMPLETING HIS OPUS. GOOD MORNING, MOUSE. SAY HELLO TO MRS. HENRY B. HARRIS. HELLO. HELLO. THE DISTINGUISHED PRODUCER AND OWNER OF THE HUDSON THEATRE, WHICH SHE INHERITED WHEN POOR MR. HARRIS WENT DOWN IN THE TITANIC. MAY HE REST IN PEACE. OH, I'M SO SORRY. THANK YOU. UH, MOUSE. WHAT AN INTERESTING NAME. NICE TO MEET YOU, MA'AM. AND IT'S MOSS. HART. OH. MOSS? ALSO INTERESTING. HA HA HA! HA HA HA! UH, DID YOUR FRIEND DELIVER THE THIRD ACT? OH, YES. HERE IT IS! DID--DID YOU READ IT? DID HE TAKE MY NOTES? YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE HE DID. THIS IS ALL VERY EXCITING. I HAVE GREAT NEWS, MOUSE. I GAVE THE TWO ACTS TO MRS. HARRIS YESTERDAY, AND OVER BREAKFAST THIS MORNING, SHE HAS INFORMED ME SHE WOULD LIKE TO CO-PRODUCE. I LOVE A GOOD WESTERN. THIS PLAY IS FAR TOO FINE FOR THE ROAD. I WANT TO DO IT ON BROADWAY. WHAT? WELL, WE--WE'LL TRY IT OUT IN ROCHESTER FIRST. UH, WHAT TIME IS MR. CONRAD COMING IN? I AM MOST ANXIOUS TO MEET THE MAN WHO WROTE "THE BELOVED BANDIT!" RIGHT, AND WE HAVE TO GET HIM TO SIGN A CONTRACT BEFORE WE CAN BOOK A HOUSE. I BELIEVE HE IS WORKING TODAY. YEAH. WHERE'S HE WORK? OH, HIS OFFICE IS IN THE WALL STREET DISTRICT. WALL STREET? Y-Y-WHOA, WHOA, HO, HO. YOU'VE BEEN THERE? THEN LET'S GO DOWN TO HIS OFFICE. WE'LL WAIT FOR HIM. FANTABULOUS! I HAVE A CAR OUTSIDE. LET'S GO! COME ON! HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

MRS. HARRIS

HE'LL BE SO THRILLED TO KNOW HIS PLAY IS GETTING PRODUCED.

BOTH LAUGHING

MRS. HARRIS

MR. PITOU! MR. PITOU, I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. YOU HAVE A WHAT? I AM ROBERT ARNOLD CONRAD. I'M CONFUSED. I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR NAME WAS MOSS. IT IS, BUT I WROTE THIS PLAY. AHEM. MOUSE, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, BUT WHEN A NEW AUTHOR WRITES HIS FIRST PLAY, HE DOESN'T GET THE USUAL ROYALTIES. YOU MEAN, IT'S ALL RIGHT, MR. PITOU? OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. AS LONG AS YOU UNDERSTAND A NEW AUTHOR DOESN'T GET THE USUAL ROYALTIES. NOW PLEASE GO OUT AND GET MRS. HARRIS AND ME SOME COFFEE. WE HAVE BUSINESS TO DISCUSS. UH, LIGHT WITH TWO SUGARS, PLEASE. RIGHT THIS WAY. WE'RE GONNA BE STARTING IN JUST A MINUTE. WE'RE GONNA BE STARTING IN JUST A MINUTE. ATTENTION, EVERYONE. ATTENTION! SO WE COMMENCE THE FIRST REHEARSAL OF "THE BELOVED BANDIT" BY ROBERT ARNOLD CONRAD AND PRODUCED BY MR. AUGUSTUS PITOU... THANK YOU. AND MRS. HENRY B. HARRIS WHO, AS YOU MAY KNOW, IS A SURVIVOR OF THE TITANIC. YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW. AND SITTING NEXT TO THEM IS MR. PITOU'S OFFICE BOY MOSS HART. NOW NOT TO CONFUSE YOU, BUT MR. HART IS ALSO OUR PLAYWRIGHT ROBERT ARNOLD CONRAD, BUT REST ASSURED, MR. HART WILL STILL BE AVAILABLE TO RUN ERRANDS AND GET US OUR COFFEE AND CIGARETTES ON BREAKS.

MOSS

ABSOLUTELY. ABSOLUTELY. I NOW TURN THE PROCEEDINGS OVER TO OUR DISTINGUISHED DIRECTOR MR. PRIESTLY MORRISON. BRAVO! THANK YOU. THANK YOU, WALLY, AND WHAT A PLEASURE IT IS TO TAKE ON THIS ESTEEMED PROJECT WITH MR. PITOU AND MRS. HARRIS AND OF COURSE TO BE WORKING WITH THIS FINE CAST, ESPECIALLY OUR LEADING PLAYER MR. JOSEPH REGAN. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WORK WITH MR. PRIESTLY MORRISON, AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO A WESTERN...

LAUGHTER

MOSS

SO IT SEEMS GOOD FORTUNE HAS COME SHINING ON ME TODAY! YEAH! YEAH! AND SO... LET US BEGIN.

THUNDER

RAIN FALLING

MOSS

GENTLEMEN AND, UH, LADIES, YOU ARE MY PRISONERS! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR. IT MAY BE WELL FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN THE HANDS OF A VERY NOTORIOUS BANDIT. WHAT'S YOUR PRICE? OH. YOU MUST BE THINKING ME A SHYLOCK, BUT I'M NOT ASKING FOR A POUND OF FLESH. JUST WHAT I NEEDS TO GET ALONG.

GASPS

MOSS

PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN, AND BY THAT, I DON'T JUST MEAN THE TWO ON YOUR BODY. AND COME ON IN, PRETTY LASSIE. I POSE NO HARM. IN FACT, I MIGHT JUST SERENADE YOU WITH A PRETTY IRISH SONG FROM COUNTY CORK. WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING AAH!

MORRISON

STOP, STOP! WALLY, WILL YOU FIX THIS DOOR ONCE AND FOR ALL?

WALLY

DAVID, YOU HEAR THAT? BRING YOUR HAMMER! AAH! THE FLOOR IS SOAKING WET. SORRY, SIR. I'M SORRY, MR. PITOU, BUT IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO PERFORM WHEN IT IS RAINING ON THE STAGE. AGH! OHH! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, DAVIE? AAH! NOW WHAT? IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S ALL RIGHT. MY HAND JUST SLIPPED. I CAN STILL DO THE SHOW TONIGHT! WALLY, CAN WE PLEASE HAVE THE FIRST-AID KIT! I'LL BE IN MY DRESSING ROOM. EVERYBODY, LISTEN! LET'S CALL IT A NIGHT. WE'LL CONVENE FIRST THING TOMORROW AND FINISH OUR TECHNICAL. PERHAPS BY THEN, THE SET WILL BE FINISHED, WALLY.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

WALLY

AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED, OUR PLAY IS NOT YET READY TO MEET ITS AUDIENCE. I'M GOING TO CHURCH FIRST THING IN THE MORNING AND OFFER UP A LITTLE PRAYER. I SUGGEST YOU MIGHT WANT TO DO THE SAME.

HART

AS THE OPENING NIGHT CURTAIN ROSE THE NEXT EVENING, THE AUDIENCE SEEMED SLIGHTLY STUNNED BY THE GHASTLINESS OF THE GREEN SET. IN THE FIRST 15, MINUTES OF "THE BELOVED BANDIT," THEY SAT PLEASANTLY ENOUGH, BUT AS THE TRUTH UNVEILED ITSELF, THEY--THEY SANK INTO UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT AND SILENCE FOR ALL 3 ACTS. WHEN THE CURTAIN FINALLY FELL, THERE WAS A MASS EXODUS, AS IF $20 GOLD PIECES WERE BEING GIVEN AWAY ON THE STREET.

WALLY LAUGHING

HART

NEVER SEEN ONE GO WORSE, MOSS! AND I'VE SEEN THEM GO ALL KINDS OF WAYS, BUT THIS WAS LIKE WE WERE SPRAYING ETHER ON THE AUDIENCE. THE PRODUCERS ARE MEETING IN THE HOUSE MANAGER'S OFFICE. I WOULDN'T STAY UP FOR THE NOTICE IF I WERE YOU. I KNOW THE CRITIC HERE. HE WAITS ALL YEAR FOR ONE LIKE THIS.

MRS. HARRIS

OH, WHAT THE HELL DOES ROCHESTER KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN KODAK CAMERAS? OH. HEH. HELLO, MOSS. YOU LOOK PEA GREEN. SIT DOWN. SURE. I'M, UH-- I'M SORRY TO BREAK THIS TO YOU, BUT, UH, AUGUSTUS AND I--HEH--HAVE CONCLUDED THAT PERHAPS "THE BELOVED BANDIT" MAY NOT BE BROADWAY MATERIAL AFTER ALL. SO, GUS, WE GUARANTEED THE THEATER HERE FOR 4 WEEKS, RIGHT? YEAH. 4,000 A WEEK. I SUGGEST WE PAY THE THEATER OFF AND CLOSE HERE AT THE END OF THE WEEK. NOW WITH THE LOSS UP TO DATE, THE, UH--THE GUARANTEE TO THE ACTORS, WHAT DOES THAT BRING US TO? $40,000. SPEAK UP, AUGUSTUS. $40,000! I'M HEADING BACK TO THE HOTEL WHERE I'M GOING TO TAKE A PHENOBARBITAL AND GO RIGHT TO BED. HEH HEH. GENTLEMEN, WE WILL SEE ONE ANOTHER IN NEW YORK. AT LEAST I'M NOT BACK ON THE DECK OF THE TITANIC. MOSS, ONE DAY, YOU WILL WRITE A PLAY, AND IT WILL MAKE IT TO BROADWAY. WON'T HE, GUS? UH-HUH. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE. GOOD NIGHT. WE BETTER GET BACK TO THE HOTEL, TOO. I, UH, WANT TO GET THE FIRST TRAIN OUT IN THE MORNING. I'M SORRY, MR. PITOU. THIS IS MY-- NO, NO, NO. NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR. WE'RE ALL ADULTS HERE. SOMETIMES THINGS WORK IN THIS BUSINESS, SOMETIMES THEY DON'T. I GOT THE REPORT FROM FLINT, MICHIGAN, TONIGHT. MAY ROBSON PLAYED TO UNDER A THOUSAND AGAIN. GEE. APPARENTLY PEOPLE ARE HAPPY TO STAY HOME AND--AND LISTEN TO THE RADIO. I MEAN, IT'S GOING TO KILL OUR BUSINESS IF THIS KEEPS UP. THEY'LL GET TIRED OF THE RADIO, SIR. YEAH. LOOK. UH, THE WAY THINGS ARE, MOUSE, YOU KNOW, BUSINESS BEING WHAT IT IS, UH, I'M GOING TO ASK MISS BELLE TO COME BACK, DO THE SECRETARIAL DUTIES PART-TIME, AND THE ELEVATOR MAN CAN EMPTY THE WASTEBASKETS AT THE END OF THE NIGHT. ARE--ARE YOU SAYING THAT I NO LONGER HAVE MY JOB? YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN RUN OVER BY A TRUCK. ME, TOO.

BERNIE

HI, MOSS. OH, HI, BERNIE. I JUST SAW-- MOSSY, WE WONDERED WHEN YOU WERE COMING BACK. I JUST SAW POP WITH THE CUBANS-- SHUSH. BERNIE, GO SEE IF THE BORDERS ARE READY FOR THEIR SUPPER. WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S GOING-- WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT'S THE MATTER, MA? AUNT KATE DIED WHILE YOU WERE AWAY. WE GOT A CALL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. WE WENT TO HOSPITAL. CANCER. APPARENTLY, SHE'D HAD IT FOR SOME TIME. THAT'S AWFUL. SHE ASKED FOR YOU BEFORE SHE DIED. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SHE LOVED YOU, MOSS. YOUR FATHER INSISTED ON GIVING HER A GOOD FUNERAL. OF COURSE, SHE DIDN'T HAVE A PENNY LEFT. THAT'S WHY HE'S WORKING FOR THE CUBANS. HOW MUCH DID IT COST? $200. WE CAN PAY IT OFF, $10 A WEEK. ISN'T THAT SOMETHING? THEY TRUSTED US TO PAY IT OFF? IT'S GETTING BAD, MOSS. I'VE TO GO FURTHER AND FURTHER OUTSIDE THE NEIGHBORHOOD JUST TO DO THE GROCERY SHOPPING. NO ONE WILL GIVE ME CREDIT ANYMORE. THANK GOD YOU HAVE YOUR JOB. WELL, I--I'D BETTER GET BACK TO MY SEWING. THEY'RE EXPECTING IT TOMORROW. WHERE IS AUNT KATE BURIED? WASHINGTON CEMETERY. IT'S VERY NICE. SORRY I DIDN'T TELL YOU I WROTE A PLAY, AUNT KATE. I... I BROUGHT YOU BACK A PROGRAM. I--I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NO SURPRISE, MOSS. WE PINNED OUR HOPES ON YOU. WE ALWAYS EXPECTED YOU TO DO BETTER IN THE WORLD. IT'S A BRAVE WRITER, OR MAYBE JUST A BAD ONE, WHO WOULD CONTRIVE THIS SCENE, BUT BEFORE I WENT INTO MANHATTAN TO LOOK FOR A JOB THE NEXT DAY, I VISITED AUNT KATE'S GRAVE. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TRADE IN YOUR DREAMS FOR A DAMN JOB.

HART

CORNY AS IT WAS, THIS IS WHAT WASHED OVER ME. LET'S FACE IT, LIFE OFTEN IMITATES BAD PLAYS. I TOSSED THE WANT ADS INTO THE TRASH AND MADE MY WAY BACK TO TIMES SQUARE TO PURSUE MY DREAM OF BEING AN ACTOR.

MOSS

EXCUSE ME, SIR. I--I UNDERSTAND THERE MIGHT BE AN OPENING IN YOUR CAST OF "THE EMPEROR JONES". YEAH, YOU UNDERSTAND RIGHT. CAN YOU DO A COCKNEY ACCENT? OH, YES, SIR. MY--MY FATHER AND MOTHER ARE ENGLISH. READ IT. THE ROLE OF SMITHERS. OUT LOUD? NO, READ IT TO YOURSELF, AND I'LL USE MY MENTAL TELEPATHY. JUST READ THE PART THAT'S MARKED. LIKE HE'S 60, CORRECT? THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS, DON'T IT?

COCKNEY ACCENT

MOSS

"OW! "SO THAT'S THE TICKET! "WELL, I KNOW BLOODY WELL WHAT'S IN THE AIR. "WHEN THEY RUNS OFF TO THE 'ILLS, THE TOMTOM'LL BE THUMPING OUT THERE BLOOMIN' SOON." OK. THAT'S ENOUGH. YOU CAN START TODAY? YES, SIR! ALL RIGHT. GO DOWNSTAIRS, TELL GILPIN YOU'RE THE NEW SMITHERS. IF HE GIVES YOU A HARD TIME, YOU TELL HIM I SAID YOU'RE THE BEST WE CAN DO FOR $20 A WEEK. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR. THANK YOU. WAIT A MINUTE. TAKE THE SCRIPT WITH YOU. I THINK WE ONLY GOT TWO COPIES. I'M SORRY. THANK YOU, SIR. THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH! I'M MOSS HART, SIR. I--I AM TO PLAY THE ROLE OF SMITHERS. OH, IT'S AN HONOR TO BE WORKING WITH YOU, MR. GILPIN. WHY? WELL, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL ACTOR, AND I AM LUCKY-- REALLY? WHAT ROLES HAVE YOU SEEN ME IN? WELL, YOUR EMPEROR JONES IS FAMOUS. YOU DIDN'T SEE IT, DID YOU? NO, BUT I'VE HEARD-- YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ME DO ANY ROLES, HAVE YOU? NO, SIR, I SUPPOSE NOT. AND WHY IS THAT? WELL, I, UH-- I'LL TELL YOU WHY THAT IS. BECAUSE THERE ARE NO OTHER ROLES FOR A NEGRO! YOU READY TO REHEARSE? GET OVER HERE. YOU STAND THERE. YOU WHISTLE, I COME IN.

WHISTLES

QUICKLY

MOSS

WHO DARE WHISTLE DAT WAY IN MY PALACE? WHO DARE WAKE UP THE EMPEROR? I'LL HAVE THE HIDE FRAYED OFF SOME O' YOU NIGGERS SHO'!

COCKNEY ACCENT

MOSS

"IT WAS ME WHISTLED TO YER. I GOT NEWS." DID HE TELL YOU WHEN WE OPEN? DAY AFTER TOMORROW, SO YOU BETTER LEARN YOUR WORDS FAST. I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO REHEARSE. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PLAY IT, MR. GILPIN? YOU AIN'T GOING TO BE AS BAD AS YOU THINKS YOU'RE GOING TO BE. LEARN THE LINES. WE'LL HAVE A HASSLE WITH IT TOMORROW. THE NEXT MORNING, THE NOTICES WERE GLOWING FOR GILPIN AND TO MY SURPRISE, VERY KIND TO ME. AFTER MY LUCKY START, I SMUGLY ASSUMED THAT I HAD FOUND MY CALLING AS AN ACTOR. OH. HOW'D IT GO? I WAITED 3 HOURS FOR THAT AUDITION. I WAS SO BORED, BY THE TIME I GOT IN THAT ROOM, I JUST STUNK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MOSS? ACTING? REALLY? I ENJOY IT, OK? WELL, I ENJOY STICKBALL. THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO BE A YANKEE. THAT IS--THAT'S-- THAT IS NOT NOT AN INTELLIGENT METAPHOR, IRVING. YOU ACTUALLY ENJOYED DOING "THE EMPEROR JONES" WITH THAT DRUNK? WHAT I ENJOYED WAS BEING PAID TO NOT BE MYSELF FOR TWO HOURS A DAY. LOOK. IT DOESN'T-- IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'VE GOT TO GET A JOB. MY FATHER'S GOING TO KICK ME OUT IF I CAN'T BRING HIM SOME MONEY SOON. ARE THERE ANY JOBS AT THE NEW AMSTERDAM, IRV. YOU'D REALLY GO BACK TO BEING AN OFFICE BOY? DON'T RUB IT IN, EDDIE, OK? NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU SHOULD KEEP WRITING. YOU'VE GOT TALENT, MOSS. THAT "BELOVED BANDIT" HAD SOME VERY FUNNY BITS IN IT. YEAH--THAT WAS A REAL SUCCESS STORY. AW, TELL HIM. WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING BACK TO BEING AN OFFICE BOY, HART! OUR EDDIE HERE GOT A JOB AS THE SOCIAL DIRECTOR AT A NEW HOTEL IN THE CATSKILLS. OUR CONFEDERATION OF OFFICE BOYS IS BEGINNING TO BRANCH OUT. THE FLAGLER HOTEL. AND? AND I NEED AN ASSOCIATE TO WRITE THE SKITS AND HELP ME PUT ON THE WEEKLY SHOWS. REALLY? REALLY. AND IT PAYS VERY NICELY. THANK YOU!

ALL

OH, HIP HIP!

PIANO PLAYING

INDISTINCT CHATTER

ALL

5, 6, 7, 8! 1, 2, 2, 3, TURN. AND BEND BACK. TURN! VERY GOOD. SWITCH PARTNERS. FOXTROT! AND JUST LIKE THAT, I WAS OUT OF THE BEASTLY HOT BRONX AND INTO A WORLD OF GREEN LAWNS AND SHADY TREES. I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. THE AIR, THE QUIET, THE FOOD, AND MY JOY LASTED ABOUT A WEEK. THOSE SUMMERS RUINED THE PLEASURE OF DANCING FOR ME FOREVER, AND I HATED BEING PLEASANT TO LARGE NUMBERS OF PEOPLE, THE MAJORITY OF WHOM I CAME TO DESPISE.

MAN

OH, MR. HART. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

ALL

WHEE! I WEAR A SECOND-HAND HAT SECOND-HAND CLOTHES THAT'S WHY THE CALL ME SECOND-HAND ROSE STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP! LADIES, LADIES, LADIES, PAY ATTENTION TO EACH OTHER WHEN YOU'RE DANCING. THE IDEA IS FOR YOU TO DO THE SAME THING AT THE SAME TIME. AND, ROZ, I CAN BARELY HEAR YOU. EDWARD, I TOLD YOU I AM NOT A VERY GOOD SINGER. I'M DOING MY BEST! THAT'S DISCOURAGING. ED, WE CAN GET YOU FIRED FOR TAKING THAT TONE WITH US! AW, EDDIE. MOSS, YOU DEAL WITH THEM. I'VE HAD IT! LADIES, LADIES. HEY, HEY. HEY. I THINK YOU'RE TERRIFIC. EDDIE SETS A VERY HIGH STANDARD FOR HIS FRIDAY NIGHT SHOWS, AND HE PICKED YOU, ROZ, TO DO THE FANNY BRICE PART BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU'RE SO SPECIAL. OH, SPECIAL MY TUCHUS! ROZ, ROZ. MOSS, WE JUST DON'T WANT A MAKE FOOLS OF OURSELVES IN FRONT OF OUR FAMILIES TONIGHT! LADIES, LADIES, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO EDDIE, I THINK HE'S TAKING THE WRONG APPROACH HERE. WE ARE TRYING WAY TOO HARD TO BE THE "ZIEGFELD FOLLIES." WELL, WE'RE NOT THE "ZIEGFELD FOLLIES." NO, WE ARE NOT, BUT LET'S JUST ENJOY OURSELVES, AND WE'LL MAKE IT A--A REAL FOLLY. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? JUST BE YOURSELVES. THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO DO. IT WILL BE HILARIOUS. THE AUDIENCE WILL LOVE IT. BOB, PICK UP THE TEMPO. ROZ, I HAVE HEARD YOU DURING THE TUG OF WAR. YOU HAVE GOT A HUGE VOICE. OHH. HA HA HA! USE IT! OK! ONE MORE TIME FROM THE TOP, AND THIS TIME, ROZ... YEAH? DON'T TRY SO HARD TO BE GOOD. I CAN DO THAT! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! LET'S HAVE FUN, LADIES. COME ON.

PIANO PLAYING

ALL

WHEE! ROZ,

LOUDLY

I WEAR A SECOND-HAND HAT SECOND-HAND CLOTHES THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME SECOND-HAND ROSE HEY. HIYA, FELLAS! OH, HEY. MOSS, SAY HELLO TO DORE SCHARY. NICE TO MEET YOU. NO DOUBT. I'M NOMINATING HIM TO BE OUR LATEST MEMBER OF THE CONFEDERATION OF OFFICE BOYS. WHY NOT? OHH, HIP HIP! I AM HONORED. DORE HAS BEEN WORKING OVER AT THE RALEIGH. THOUGH EVERYONE SAYS OUR SHOWS ARE NOT NEARLY AS GOOD AS YOURS OVER AT THE FLAGLER, MOSS. WELL, THANK YOU. YEAH. THEY LOVE HIM OVER THERE. I DIDN'T EVEN LAST THE SUMMER. HA! DO YOU ENJOY WORKING OVER THERE? WELL, THEY PAY VERY NICELY, AND GET TO WRITE IN THE OFF-SEASON. EDDIE WAS TELLING ME YOU'RE A WONDERFUL WRITER. HOW MANY PLAYS HAVE YOU WRITTEN? UH, 7 NOW. WOW! AND THIS LAST IS DEFINITELY HIS BEST. OH, SO YOU FINALLY READ IT? YOU COULDN'T HAVE CALLED ME? I WAS DIGESTING. HE'S BEEN GIVING ME AN EARFUL ABOUT IT. SO DO YOU THINK I CAN WRITE A COMEDY? WELL, FOR ONCE YOU LISTENED TO ME AND GAVE UP THE IDEA OF TRYING TO BE ANOTHER O'NEILL OR SHAW. GUESS WHAT. I LIKED IT VERY MUCH! TELL A PERSON! WELL, HE GAVE IT TO ME TO READ. YOU READ IT, TOO? YEAH, AND I LIKED IT, TOO. AND "ONCE IN A LIFETIME" IS A WONDERFUL TITLE. APPARENTLY EVERYONE GOT TO READ THIS THING BUT ME! I THINK IT'S QUITE FUNNY. YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU WERE HANDING MY SCRIPT OUT, EDDIE. I WAS TELLING DORE ABOUT IT-- AND HE WAS SO EXCITED, I INSISTED HE GIVE IT TO ME. WELL, IN THAT CASE... HOW DID YOU GET TO KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT HOLLYWOOD AND THE TALKING PICTURES? HAVE YOU BEEN OUT THERE, MOSS? OH, NO, NO, NO. EVERYTHING I KNOW I READ IN "VARIETY." OH. WELL, YOU MUST READ IT VERY CLOSELY! YOUR PLAY IS TERRIFIC. WELL, THE FIRST ACT IS PERFECT. I MEAN, WHAT A GREAT SEND-OFF. HERE IT COMES. THINGS DO BEGIN TO GO DOWNHILL IN THE SECOND ACT, AND THE THIRD ACT IS FLAT, MY FRIEND. I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU LIKED IT. OF COURSE IT NEEDS MORE WORK. I THINK YOU SHOULD SEND IT OFF TO JED HARRIS. JED HARRIS? THE-- HA HA HA! THE--THE JED HARRIS? JED HARRIS WOULD FALL FOR THIS PLAY LIKE A TON OF BRICKS. HE NEEDS TO DO THE REVISION WORK BEFORE HE SENDS IT TO ANYONE. SEND IT OFF TO JED HARRIS AND REVISE IT ACCORDING TO HIS NOTES. JED HARRIS, THE PRODUCER WHO WAS ON THE COVER OF "TIME" MAGAZINE? HE'S NOT GOING TO READ THIS. DO YOU WANT TO BET? YEAH, I'LL TAKE THAT BET. 5 BUCKS. YOU'RE ON. MIGHT AS WELL GIVE HIM THE MONEY RIGHT NOW. EXCUSE ME. THIS IS MY PLAY. DO I HAVE A SAY IN THIS? MOSS, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEND IT TO HIM-- NO. I'LL SEND IT! BUT NOT TO HIS OFFICE. WAIT A MINUTE-- WE'RE GOING TO SEND IT TO HIM AT THE MADISON HOTEL, WHERE HE LIVES. OH, REALLY? YEAH. HIS NIECE SYLVIA IS FROM NEWARK, AND WE-- WELL, WE GO TO THE SAME SHUL. I ALREADY SPOKE WITH SYLVIA, AND SHE'S GOING TO LET HIM KNOW IT'S COMING. YOU'RE GONNA OWE ME 5 BUCKS. I'M NOT PAYING YOU 5 BUCKS. A BET'S A BET! HE HASN'T READ IT. AND LO AND BEHOLD, THE NEXT MORNING, I RECEIVED A TELEGRAM FROM THE GREAT JED HARRIS ASKING TO SEE ME THAT AFTERNOON. MY HEART POUNDING, I ARRIVED AT THE MADISON HOTEL AT THE APPOINTED HOUR ONLY TO BE TOLD TO WAIT, AND WAIT I DID. FOR TWO STRAIGHT DAYS, JED HARRIS KEPT ME WAITING IN THAT LOBBY UNTIL I WAS GRANTED MY AUDIENCE. HELLO? MOSS HART TO SEE MR. HARRIS. COME IN. COME HERE. GOOD MORNING. I'M SORRY I COULDN'T SEE YOU UNTIL NOW. I READ YOUR PLAY LAST NIGHT, AND I LIKED A GREAT DEAL OF IT. CAN YOU HAND ME ZEE UNDERPANTS? I WAS QUITE TAKEN WITH YOUR PREMISE. HEH. OF COURSE HOLLYWOOD AND THE TALKIES ARE A PERFECT SUBJECT FOR BOTH A HIGH-MINDED, LOW-HUMOR SATIRE. THANK YOU. BUT YOU SEE, MR. HART, I WAS NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHETHER YOU WERE INTENDING TO WRITE A SATIRE OR WERE AIMING FOR SIMPLY A BOULEVARD COMEDY. I SEE. I-- I STRONGLY FELT THE PLAY WAS INTENDED AS SATIRE, BUT THERE WERE SO MANY TIMES WHEN YOU PULLED YOUR PUNCH. SATIRE MUST NEVER PULL ITS PUNCH. I SEE. THIS IS A MISTAKE WHICH IS OFTEN MADE TODAY, WHICH IS WHY I SO SELDOM CHOOSE TO DO A PLAY OF THIS NATURE. NOW I AM INTENDING TO DO THE FIRST BROADWAY PRODUCTION OF "UNCLE VANYA." NOW CHEKHOV--CHEKHOV CERTAINLY UNDERSTOOD THE RULES OF SATIRE AND BRILLIANTLY EXECUTED HIS MESSAGE SO SUBTLY THAT HIS AUDIENCE OFTEN DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIT THEM UNTIL THE CURTAIN CAME DOWN AND THEY WERE ON THEIR WAY BACK TO THEIR DACHA. I THOUGHT IT QUITE INSPIRED ON YOUR PART TO HAVE A--A TRIO OF PROTAGONISTS WHO WERE VAUDEVILLIANS. THIS STRUCK ME AS ALMOST ARISTOPHANIAN IN ITS CONCEPT. YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY READ RABELAIS. WELL, NOT REALLY. I'VE ALWAYS WANT-- NO, NO, NO. OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T. NO ONE DOES ANY MORE, WHICH IS A PITY. DID YOU SEE "THE FARMER'S WIFE"? NO, BUT I'D LIKE TO. GHASTLY, I THOUGHT. I DETEST THAT KIND OF WRITING. MAKING AN AUDIENCE FEEL THAT IT IS BEING TOLD SOMETHING IMPORTANT AND ALL THE WHILE REDUCING ITS MESSAGE TO SUCH PREDICTABLE DRIBBLE. WELL, DON'T YOU AGREE? I HAVEN'T SEEN IT, SIR, BUT IF I DID, I'M SURE I'D AGREE WITH YOU. I'M GOING DOWNTOWN. HOW ABOUT YOU? SURE. GOOD. WE'LL SHARE A TAXI, HUH? OK. SURE. HEH HEH HEH HEH! "STRANGE INTERLUDE"? WHAT? HAVE YOU SEEN "STRANGE INTERLUDE"? OH, THE PLAY. NO, I HAVE NOT. I HAVE NOT SEEN THE PLAY. I DON'T THINK IT ONE OF O'NEILL'S BEST, DO YOU? WELL, I HEARD IT WAS RATHER FASCINATING-- NO, NO, NO. INFERIOR O'NEILL AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED. NOW, BACK TO YOUR PLAY. I THINK IT HAS POTENTIAL, BUT YOU REALLY NEED TO SETTLE ON YOUR TONE AND STICK TO IT. WELL THANK YOU, MR. HARRIS. IS IT POSSIBLE TO MAYBE MEET IN THE FUTURE? I WOULD LOVE ANOTHER-- OH, WE SHALL SPEAK FURTHER. WELL? HE WAS BIZARRE, AND HE WAS NAKED WHEN I ARRIVED. WHAT?! HEY. HE IS VIENNESE. IT DOESN'T MATTER. LISTEN, LISTEN. HE WAS BRILLIANT, THOUGH, ABOUT MY PLAY. SO IS HE COMMITTED? NO, BUT HE'S THINKING ABOUT IT. YOU KNOW, MOSS, JED HARRIS IS NOT THE ONLY HARRIS. WHAT IF I WERE TO TELL YOU I CAN GET THE PLAY TO SAM HARRIS? OOH. IS THIS ANOTHER BET? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? IF I COULD GET THE PLAY TO SAM HARRIS, WOULD YOU LET ME? OF COURSE HE WOULD LET YOU. SAM HARRIS IS AN EVEN BIGGER PRODUCER THAN JED HARRIS! OH, GOOD, BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY GOTTEN THE PLAY TO SAM HARRIS. WHAT?! HOW DID YOU GET THE PLAY TO SAM HARRIS? FRIEDA FISHBEIN.

OTHERS

WHO IS FRIEDA FISHBEIN? EVER HEAR OF THE PLAY "STREET SCENE"? YEAH, WHAT OF IT? SHE REPRESENTS THE DIRECTOR WILLIAM BRADY. EVERY OTHER DIRECTOR'S AGENT TURNED THAT PLAY DOWN EXCEPT FOR-- LET ME GUESS-- FRIEDA FISHBEIN. WAIT. WHY WOULD SHE EVEN READ IT? BECAUSE I TOLD HER JED HARRIS WAS READING IT. THIS IS HOW YOU GET A PLAY PRODUCED, BOYS! HOLY SMOKES, EDDIE. COME ON. EDWARD, EDWARD, SORRY I'M LATE. THANK YOU FOR COMING, MISS FISHBEIN. MY PLEASURE. THESE ARE MY FRIENDS. IRVING GORDON... FRIEDA FISHBEIN. DORE SCHARY... FRIEDA FISHBEIN. AND MOSS HART. FRIEDA FISHBEIN. IT'S--IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, MISS FISHBEIN. YOU CALL ME FRIEDA. SURE. NOW I LOVED YOUR PLAY. "ONCE IN A LIFETIME" IS A WONDERFUL TITLE. WELL, THANK YOU. WONDERFUL. OH, THANKS. WONDERFUL! OH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. NOW WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO WORK JED HARRIS? WELL, I THOUGHT HE WAS VERY SMART, AND HE'S PRODUCED MANY OTHER PLAYS-- YES, HE'S SMART AND HE'S PRODUCED. IS IT TRUE HE WAS NAKED WHEN YOU FIRST ARRIVED? JED HAS A REPUTATION FOR SHOWING INTEREST IN PLAYS THAT HE HAS NO INTENTION OF PRODUCING. HE LIKES TO TORTURE WRITERS WITH THE LURE OF A JED HARRIS PRODUCTION. HE DOESN'T COMMIT HIMSELF, AND THEN HE KEEPS IT OFF THE MARKET. NOW THANKS TO EDWARD HERE, I GOT YOUR PLAY TO MAX SIEGEL. THAT'S SAM HARRIS' GENERAL MANAGER. HA HA HA HA! AND GUESS WHAT. WHAT?! HE WANTS US TO DROP BY THE MUSIC BOX TODAY. HOLY SMOKES! HOLY TOLEDO!

TRAIN CLATTERING, HORNS HONKING

DOG BARKING

OTHERS

I READ "ONCE IN A LIFETIME," AND I LOVED IT! I SENT IT TO SAM. HE'S IN LOS ANGELES WORKING ON A MUSICAL WITH IRVING BERLIN. I RECEIVED A TELEGRAM THIS MORNING. "TELL YOUNG AUTHOR I WILL PRODUCE HIS PLAY "IF GEORGE KAUFMAN LIKES AND AGREES "TO CO-WRITE AND DIRECT. "IS HE WILLING TO WORK WITH GEORGE? AM SENDING PLAY AIR MAIL TO KAUFMAN." TELL HIM YES. CONGRATULATIONS, PAL! WHEN WILL I KNOW IF MR. KAUFMAN LIKES IT? MR. KAUFMAN'S A FAST READ. I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I HEAR FROM HIM, OK? OK. I'LL BE IN TOUCH. OH, THANK YOU, SIR. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. MISS FISHBEIN, MAY I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU? EDDIE, COME ON! HA HA! IT WILL BE KAUFMAN'S PLAY! IRVING, PLEASE. KAUFMAN WILL GET ALL THE CREDIT! MOSS CREATED THIS PLAY! WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH KAUFMAN. I AM STANDING RIGHT HERE. WHAT HAPPENED TO JED HARRIS? EXACTLY, AND THEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHARE A CREDIT. GO BACK TO JED HARRIS? ONCE HE HEARS KAUFMAN'S INTERESTED, HE MIGHT COMMIT. WE DON'T EVEN KNOW KAUFMAN WILL BE INTERESTED. YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT! MAYBE IT IS BETTER TO PLAY THIS ONE FROM ALL SIDES. YES! YOU'RE IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT NOW, MOSS. I SUPPOSE I AT LEAST OWE JED HARRIS A CALL, LET HIM KNOW THERE IS OTHER INTEREST. WELL, CALL HIM! NOW? RIGHT NOW! WHY NOT? CALL HIM AT HIS HOTEL. COME ON! SO I WANTED TO CALL YOU RIGHT AWAY, MR. HARRIS, TO LET YOU KNOW OF THE SITUATION. I HAVE THE GREATEST RESPECT FOR YOU, AND I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT YOU READ MY PLAY AND GAVE IT SUCH AN INTELLIGENT RESPONSE. UH, DO YOU KNOW GEORGE KAUFMAN? OH, NO, SIR, NO. I'VE NEVER MET MR. KAUFMAN. HAS HE READ THE PLAY? NO, I DON'T BELIEVE SO, SIR. I BELIEVE HE MAY BE DOING SO TODAY. WELL, HERE IS GEORGE KAUFMAN'S HOME NUMBER-- PLAZA-7412. PLAZA-7412. YOU CALL HIM RIGHT AWAY. TELL HIM JED HARRIS SAYS THIS IS JUST THE KIND OF PLAY HE OUGHT TO BE DOING. THANK YOU, MR. HARRIS! HOLY SMOKES! HE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN NICER. WHAT A GENEROUS MAN! MAGNANIMOUS! CALL KAUFMAN! NOW? WHY NOT? THIS IS SO AMAZING. CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING? GET--GET ME PLAZA-7412, PLEASE. IT'S RINGING. I AM A NERVOUS WRECK. DON'T BE NERVOUS. YES? HELLO. MAY I SPEAK WITH MR. KAUFMAN, PLEASE. THIS IS HE. MR. KAUFMAN, MY NAME IS MOSS HART, SIR. YOU DON'T KNOW ME, MR. KAUFMAN, BUT SAM HARRIS READ A PLAY OF MINE, AND HE'S SENDING IT TO YOU-- I ALREADY RECEIVED IT. DID SAM HARRIS GIVE YOU MY HOME PHONE NUMBER? OH, NO, SIR, NO. NO. NO, SIR. NO. SEE, I FIRST HAD GIVEN THE PLAY TO JED HARRIS TO READ, AND HE WANED ME TO CALL YOU RIGHT AWAY. HE WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU A MESSAGE. OH? HE WANTED ME TO TELL YOU THAT HE THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST THE KIND OF PLAY YOU OUGHT TO BE DOING. H-HELLO? ARE YOU STILL THERE MR. KAUFMAN? I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR JED HARRIS. TELL HIM THAT I HAVE SPECIFIED IN MY WILL THAT I BE CREMATED SO THAT MY ASHES CAN BE THROWN INTO HIS DESPICABLE FACE. WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT THAT I CALL GEORGE KAUFMAN? WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? I DIDN'T TELL HIM TO CALL KAUFMAN. JED HARRIS DID! FRIEDA WAS RIGHT. JED HARRIS IS EVIL.

MOSS

5 MINUTES AGO, I HAD EVERYTHING I EVER DREAMED OF IN THE THEATER. TWO GREAT PRODUCERS AND GEORGE S. KAUFMAN. ALL RIGHT. DON'T GET DISCOURAGED. DON'T GET DISCOURAGED? GOOD-BYE.

EDDIE

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I AM GOING NOWHERE. THAT'S WHERE I'M GOING. I CANNOT--

FATHER

WE ARE NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU MEAT WITH EVERY MEAL. THAT--THAT'S WHAT YOU PROMISED. NOT, EVERY DAY, EVERY MEAL. NO, NO, NO, NO. SEE, WE KNOW--WE KNOW-- HEY, HEY. WE KNOW EVERYONE IN AMERICA-- EVERYONE EAT MEAT WITH EVERY MEAL. THIS WHAT WE PAY FOR, MISTER. YOU DON'T LIKE IT HERE, GO GET MEAT FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE

FATHER

YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME? SPEAK ENGLISH! OH, OH, ENGLISH, HUH? WE ARE LEAVING YOU, MR. CHEAPSKATE MAN! HOW ABOUT THAT? NO MORE! NO MORE.

SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE

FATHER

WHAT DID YOU DO? THIS MOMZER THINKS HE'S ENTITLED TO MEAT WITH EVERY MEAL! WE HAVE TO GIVE THEM MEAT AT EVERY MEAL. AT WHAT HE'S PAYING? WE BARELY GET ONE MEAL WITH MEAT FOR OURSELVES. YOU THINK IT'S THAT EASY TO FIND A BORDER? WE NEED THAT MONEY! WE'LL GET SOMEONE ELSE. I DON'T WANT THESE PEOPLE UNDER MY ROOF. MISTER HIGH-AND-MIGHTY, HUH? YOU'RE IN NO POSITION TO BE SO PICKY! IF I WAS PICKY I WOULDN'T HAVE LET YOUR SISTER STAY HERE FOR ALL THOSE YEARS FREE! HOW DARE YOU INVOKE THE NAME OF THE DEAD THAT WAY! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR ANYTHING?! OH, JUST SHUT UP. I'M SICK OF THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE! NO SICKER THAN I AM OF YOU!

TELEPHONE RINGING

FATHER

CLOVERFIELD-2356. WHO DO YOU WISH TO SPEAK TO? MAX SIEGEL FOR MOSS HART. ONE MOMENT, PLEASE. MOSSY! A MR. SIEGEL. HE'S NOT HERE. HE'S IN THE PENTHOUSE. SOUNDS IMPORTANT. HE'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU, MR. SIEGEL. THANK YOU, MRS. ROSENBLOOM. H-HELLO? IS THIS THE YOUNG PLAYWRIGHT? YES. CAN YOU MEET GEORGE KAUFMAN HERE

AT THE MUSIC BOX AT 3

00 TOMORROW? YOU MEAN HE READ IT? OF COURSE HE READ IT. WHY WOULDN'T HE? WELL, I C--NOTHING.

HE LOVED IT. 3

00 TOMORROW. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! YES! HA HA HA!

LILLIE

WHAT? WHAT'S THIS? WE'RE GONNA BE RICH! THIS TIME NEXT YEAR, WE MAY NOT EVEN BE LIVING IN THE BRONX. MISS FISHBEIN. HEY. BOY, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? MR. HART, PLEASURE TO SEE YOU. MISS FISHBEIN. SAY HELLO TO GEORGE KAUFMAN. IT IS A GREAT PLEASURE, MR. KAUFMAN.

MUTTERING

LILLIE

NO, NO, NO, NO. PLEASE BE SEATED. HEH. DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THE TALKING, GEORGE? MR. KAUFMAN AGREES TO WORK WITH MR. HART ON HIS PLAY AND ASKS FOR HIS USUAL ROYALTY AGREEMENT. OH, I'M SURE THERE WILL BE NO PROBLEM. I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT IT, I'LL DISCUSS IT WITH MOSS AND I'LL GET BACK TO YOU, MR. SIEGEL. MAX. MAX. WELL, CALL ME FRIEDA. HA HA HA! WHEN--WHEN CAN WE HAVE A WORKING SESSION? WHENEVER YOU LIKE, SIR. RIGHT AWAY. NOW, IF YOU LIKE. NOW?

MUTTERING

WOULD 11

00 TOMORROW MORNING BE ALL RIGHT? OF--OF COURSE. MY HOUSE 158 EAST 63rd STREET. THIS IS ALL VERY EXCITING, MR. KAUFMAN. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A GREAT ADMIRER OF YOUR WORK, BUT THEN OF COURSE, HASN'T EVERYONE? SADLY, NO, NOT EVERYONE, AND I HAVE THE REVIEWS TO PROVE IT. OH, NO. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT OF THE YOUNG PLAYWRIGHT? A SECOND ACT. MR. KAUFMAN, I... I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW VERY MUCH IT MEANS TO ME THAT YOU'VE READ MY PLAY AND THAT YOU HAVE DECIDED OUT OF ALL OF THE OTHER PLAYS THAT YOU WANTED-- WAIT, WAIT. WHAT DID I DO? I SHOULD HAVE WARNED YOU. MR. KAUFMAN HATES ANY KIND OF SENTIMENTALITY. CAN'T STAND IT. HE'S A FASCINATING MAN! AND HE TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR CALL YESTERDAY. YOU MUST BE THE ONLY PERSON WORKING IN THE THEATER THAT DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THE JED HARRIS- GEORGE KAUFMAN FEUD. THAT STORY WILL BE MAKING THE ROUNDS! WELL, MR. KAUFMAN HAD A BIT OF A LAUGH ABOUT IT HIMSELF. HERE'S A CHECK FOR $500 AS AN ADVANCE AGAINST ROYALTIES. THAT'S HOW I LIKE TO END A MEETING! THANK YOU, SIR. IS--IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MR. KAUFMAN? TOO MANY THINGS. LISTEN, MOSS. A COLLABORATION IS LIKE A MARRIAGE. NOTHING ANYBODY TELLS YOU ABOUT IT IS OF ANY REAL USE. THE BEST ADVICE I CAN GIVE YOU IS GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP. OH, THANK YOU, SIR. AMEN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OH, THANK YOU, MISS FISHBEIN. WHOA! HA HA! OHH, HIP HIP!

LAUGHTER

WOULD 11

AFTER THE MEETING, I DISCOVERED THAT EDDIE, IRVING, AND DORE HAD BEEN WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE THE MUSIC BOX. OF COURSE, EACH OF THEM HAD ADVICE TO OFFER ABOUT MY NEW COLLABORATION. THEN I MADE MY WAY TOWARDS THE SUBWAY JUST AS SUNSET HAD BEGUN. I PAUSED AND STARED AS TIMES SQUARE BEGAN LIGHTING UP. THE KNOWLEDGE THAT MY NAME MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ON ONE OF THESE MARQUEES BROUGHT ME TO THAT WONDERFUL MIXTURE OF EMOTIONS THAT MAKES ONE WANT TO LAUGH AND CRY AT THE SAME TIME. NOW DON'T--DON'T DISMISS THIS MOMENT AS MAUDLIN. I ENJOYED THAT MOMENT, UNABASHED BY ITS SENTIMENTALITY. I FELT I HAD EARNED IT, AND AS I HEADED DOWN TO THE SUBWAY, I ALSO FELT THAT I WAS TH-TH-THIS CLOSE TO REALIZING ONE OF MY GREATEST DREAMS... TO TAKE A TAXICAB HOME TO THE BRONX. AND IN SPITE OF MAX SIEGEL'S ADVICE, I SPENT AN ALMOST SLEEPLESS NIGHT ANTICIPATING MY FIRST TEST WITH GEORGE S. KAUFMAN.

APPLAUSE

PIANO PLAYING

APPLAUSE

WOULD 11

MOSS HART TO SEE MR. KAUFMAN. YOU MAY GO RIGHT UP. THANK YOU.

KNOCK ON DOOR

WOULD 11

OH. HELLO! OH, THIS--THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL ROOM. YOU... I'LL SIT HERE. ERR... ERR... THE TROUBLE BEGINS IN THE THIRD SCENE OF THE FIRST ACT. IT'S MESSY AND UNCLEAR AND GOES OFF IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. SUPPOSE WE START WITH THAT. SURE.

MUTTERING

MUTTERING

MUTTERING

WOULD 11

HA HA HA! JUST, UH--JUST CUTTING AWAY THE UNDERBRUSH. UH, UH, WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW MAY'S BACKSTORY. WHO CARES IF SHE'S FROM WILKES-BARRE? UH, SEE, UH--SEE WHAT YOU THINK? SURE. YEAH. I MAY HAVE CUT TOO DEEPLY. IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO HAVE GO BACK IN? OH, NO! NOT A WORD. IT'S JUST WONDERFUL NOW. I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD HAVE BEEN SO STUPID. THE SCENE REALLY WORKS NOW, DOESN'T IT? NO, NO. NO. THE SCENE DOESN'T WORK AT ALL! I THOUGHT THE CUTS WOULD SHOW YOU THAT. WELL, PERHAPS THE TROUBLE STARTS EVEN EARLIER THAN I THOUGHT. WHY DON'T WE, UH, AT THE TRAIN SCENE TOGETHER? THAT'S PROBABLY WHERE WE SHOULD START.

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING

WOULD 11

NOW LISTEN. IF YOU EVEN LET HELEN THINK WE'RE JUST A SMALLTIME VAUDEVILLE ACT, WE'LL GET THE PRETTIEST FREEZE-OUT YOU EVER SAW. UNLESS SHE THINKS YOU'RE SOMEBODY, SHE WON'T EVEN NOTICE YOU. WELL, WHAT DO WE TELL HER? LET'S GET TOGETHER ON A STORY, MAY. LEAVE IT TO ME. THIS IS MY PARTY, JERRY. AND, GEORGE, YOU KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT. CAN I LAUGH IF SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING FUNNY? EH, JUST KEEP EATING YOUR INDIAN NUTS AND READING "VARIETY"! MAY! HELEN! OH, MY DEAR, HOW PERFECTLY LOVELY! HOW NICE TO LEARN OF YOU BEING ON THIS TRAIN. HELEN, YOU LOOK MARVELOUS! THANK YOU, DEAR, AND YOU...HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL. LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY BUSINESS MANAGER MR. JEROME HYLAND. HOW DO YOU DO? AND MY TECHNICAL ADVISOR DR. LEWIS. HOW DO YOU DO, DOCTOR? YOU'RE DOING SOME SORT OF NEWSPAPER WORK, AREN'T YOU? OH, MY DEAR, DIDN'T YOU KNOW? I WRITE THE MOST WIDELY SYNDICATED COLUMN IN THE UNITED STATES. WHY ANYONE WHO--

KAUFMAN

AGAIN, AGAIN, YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME SETTING UP HELEN. CUT TO THE CHASE, UH, OR THE-- OR THE JOKE. I'M SIMPLY DELUGED WITH GIFTS. MY DEAR, AT CHRISTMAS, THEY PRESENTED ME WITH A HOME IN BEVERLY HILLS. MARVELOUS. I CALL IT PARWARMET. I HAVE A PENCHANT FOR TITLES. YOU CALL IT WHAT? PARWARMET, AFTER THE 3 OF THEM-- PARAMOUNT, WARNER, METRO-GOLDWYN-- HEH HEH HEH-- THE FIRST SYLLABLE OF EACH. WON'T FOX BE SORE? OH, NO DOCTOR. THE FOX STUDIOS GAVE ME A WONDERFUL KENNEL TO GO WITH IT. HAVE THEM GIVE HER SOME DOGS FOR THE KENNEL. AND I HAVE 6 MAGNIFICENT-- MMM. MAKE IT 8! I HAVE 8 MAGNIFICENT-- WELL, LET'S GO ALL THE WAY! I HAVE 12 MAGNIFICENT DOGS. TOO MANY. MAKE IT 8. I HAVE 8 MAGNIFICENT DOGS. ALL NAMED AFTER FOX EXECUTIVES. ALL NAMED AFTER FOX EXECUTIVES.

MOSS

THAT'S TERRIFIC. MAY I TINKER WITH THIS? OH, BY ALL MEANS.

TYPING

MOSS

WE WORKED FOR 5 STRAIGHT HOURS. I NEVER REALIZED WHAT HARD WORK WRITING COULD BE UNTIL THAT DAY.

YAWNING

MOSS

ARE THE PAGES BORING YOU? OH, NO. NO, NO, NO. NO. I LIKE WHAT YOU DID, EXCEPT THIS FIRST LINE STRIKES ME AS WRONG, THAT SHE WOULD SAY TO THE-- ER, I SEE YOUR POINT. SCRATCH IT OUT.

KNOCK ON DOOR

MOSS

TEA, SIR? WELL... JUST PUT IT DOWN, MARY! YES, SIR. LET, UH--LET ME PLAY WITH THIS SCENE. I SEE YOUR POINT. MMM.

WATER RUNNING

YAWNING

MOSS

WE SEEM TO BE NEEDING OXYGEN TODAY. OH, I'M SORRY. I--I'VE BEEN WORKING EVENINGS. I--I DIRECT A SMALL THEATER GROUP IN NEWARK-- I WANT TO GET THROUGH THIS ACT BEFORE WE BREAK FOR THE DAY. OF COURSE. IF PERHAPS WE-- GO AHEAD. EAT THE OTHER COOKIE. ARE YOU CERTAIN? YES, I'M CERTAIN. AREN'T YOU HUNGRY? I'D THINK BY THIS HOUR YOU'D BE STARVING. ER, PLEASE, DON'T SCRUTINIZE MY EATING HABITS. NO, NO. NO, NO. I DIDN'T MEAN TO-- PERHAPS WE SHOULD BREAK FOR THE DAY. NO, NO, I-- WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE TRAIN SCENE HOME-- OR WHEREVER IT IS YOU GO-- AND HAVE ANOTHER CRACK AT IT? I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING, AND YOU CAN SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE COME UP WITH. MR. KAUFMAN, I-- I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW AGAIN AGAIN WHAT A GREAT HONOR THIS IS TO BE WORKING WITH SOMEONE OF YOUR CALIBER IN YOUR OWN HOME. I-- GOOD-BYE. THAT'S THE IDEA.

TRACK 8 THE 6

05 EXPRESS TO PHILADELPHIA NOW BOARDING.

DORE

ANTOINETTE PERRY CANNOT ACT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER APPEAL. SHE CAN ACT. SHE JUST NEEDS THE RIGHT VEHICLE. OH, PLEASE. I HEARD SHE'S GOING TO DIRECT. NO. NOBODY IS EVER GONNA TAKE A CHANCE ON A LADY DIRECTOR. SO HOW'D IT GO TODAY? HE STILL BARELY LOOKS ME IN THE EYE, AND HE WASHES HIS HANDS ABOUT A HUNDRED TIMES A DAY. THEY'RE RAW. HEY. WHERE DO YOU WORK AGAIN? I THINK IT'S HIS OFFICE, BUT IT MAY ALSO BE HIS BEDROOM.

IRVING

I THOUGHT HE HAD A WIFE. YEAH. I HAVE NO IDEA. NO, NO, NO. I READ IN A GOSSIP COLUMN THAT HE IS A REAL LADY'S MAN. I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT'S TRUE. WHO CARES ABOUT ANY OF THIS? I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE PLAY? HOW IS THE PLAY? WHEN IS SAM HARRIS GOING TO PRODUCE IT? WE'VE ONLY BEEN WORKING FOR TWO WEEKS, EDDIE! WE'RE JUST BEGINNING TO MAKE SOME PROGRESS. KAUFMAN IS VERY METHODICAL. IS HE CALLING ALL THE SHOTS? NO. WELL, HE IS INTIMIDATING AS HELL, BUT HE ALWAYS WANTS TO KNOW WHAT I THINK. IT'S GRUELING, AND HIS ENERGY AND FOCUS NEVER LAG. EVERYTHING IS IMPORTANT TO HIM. HE DISSECTS EACH LINE LIKE A SURGEON. EVERY WORD, EVERY BIT OF PUNCTUATION. NO DETAIL IS TOO SMALL. IT IS SO... TEDIOUS AND EXHILARATING, TOO.

MAN ON P.A.

TRACK 12,

THE 6

15 TO JERSEY CITY, SECAUCUS, AND NEWARK NOW BOARDING. LET'S GO, FELLAS. I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GONNA DO THIS, WORKING AT NIGHT, TRYING TO GRAB EVERY MINUTE I CAN TO WRITE BEFORE SEEING KAUFMAN. I'M SO EXHAUSTED. YOU'LL GET THROUGH IT. YEAH, YOU'VE GOT TO. OH, I DO?

DORE

YEAH. WE'RE ALL COUNTING ON YOU, MOSS. NO. DON'T DO THAT TO ME, PLEASE. I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE PRESSURE. DO YOU KNOW MY MOTHER BEGGED ME NOT TO CASH THE ADVANCE CHECK? SHE'S CONVINCED THAT THEY'RE GONNA ASK FOR THE MONEY BACK, THAT THIS IS ALL SOME MISTAKE. HEY. I HALF BELIEVE HER! WHEN WILL HE REALIZE I'M NOT UP TO HIS LEVEL? WHO AM I KIDDING? SO PLEASE... JUST DON'T COUNT ON ME FOR ANYTHING, OK? SORRY. LET'S GO, GENTLEMEN. THE YOUNG JEWISH THESPIANS OF NEWARK NEED US TO PUT ON A PLAY. NOW, GEORGE, I'VE INVITED PETER. I WANT YOU TO GO RIGHT UP TO HIM-- WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU INVITE HIM? JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A LITTLE DISAGREEMENT ABOUT HERBERT HOOVER-- LITTLE? YES, LITTLE. YOU KNOW HE ADORES YOU. AND HE'S BEEN FRIGHTFULLY AFRAID YOU'RE HOLDING A GRUDGE. I AM HOLDING A GRUDGE. YOU WERE HOLDING A GRUDGE, AND BECAUSE YOU ARE A GENEROUS AND MAGNANIMOUS GENTLEMAN, YOU ARE GOING TO GO UP TO HIM AND TALK TO HIM ABOUT ANYTHING BUT POLITICS. I HATE HERBERT HOOVER! YOU KNOW VER-- ER, MOSS HART, BEATRICE KAUFMAN. HELLO. LOVELY TO MEET YOU. I DIDN'T KNOW MR. KAUFMAN HAD A SISTER. WHA--WHAT? I'M MRS. KAUFMAN. OH, I--I AM SO SORRY. NO. GEORGE NEVER INTRODUCES ME AS HIS WIFE OR AS MRS. KAUFMAN. DO YOU, GEORGE? HEH HEH HEH. MR. HART, I'VE LEFT STRICT ORDERS WITH GEORGE, AND I'M DEPENDING ON YOU TO SEE THAT THEY ARE CARRIED OUT. YOU'RE TO STOP WORK EARLY TODAY, AND BOTH OF YOU ARE TO COME DOWN FOR TEA. I'LL SEE YOU LATER. SURE. HEH. BEATRICE IS HAVING PEOPLE IN THIS AFTERNOON, AND OF COURSE, THE WORLD IS SUPPOSED TO COME TO A FULL STOP. OH, UH, I, UH-- I HAD A QUICK THOUGHT ABOUT THE SCENE AFTER YOU LEFT YESTERDAY. WHY SHOULD LAWRENCE VAIL BE TALKING TO SOME REPORTER, HMM? BETTER HE HAS THE SCENE WITH GEORGE, RIGHT? AFTER ALL, GEORGE IS ABOUT TO BE FIRED, AND THERE WOULD BE A NATURAL INCLINATION FOR THE TWO TO COMMISERATE. I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. CLEARLY. AH. HERE. READ THIS OUT LOUD. YOU DO GEORGE. I'LL DO VAIL. UH, START THERE. "EXCUSE ME, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN MR. GLOGAUER?" "YOU ONE OF THE CHOSEN PEOPLE?" "WHAT?" "DO YOU WORK HERE?" "OH! I THOUGHT YOU MEANT WAS I--YEAH. I'M DR--" WAIT. DO YOU THINK THAT JOKE WILL LAND WITHOUT ACTUALLY SAYING THE WORD JEWISH? OH, HA HA! IT WILL LAND IF IT'S PLAYED CORRECTLY. THE RIGHT ACTOR CAN MAKE THAT WORK, AND IF IT DOESN'T GET A LAUGH, WE'LL FIRE THE ACTOR. READ IT, READ IT, READ IT. "I'M DR. LEWIS. DO YOU WORK HERE, TOO?" "YES, YES. YOU SEE, DOCTOR, "I AM SUPPOSED TO BE A PLAYWRIGHT. "PROBABLY IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU, "BUT MY NAME IS LAWRENCE VAIL. IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU, DOES IT?" "NO." "NO, I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT SO." "SO YOU'RE OUT HERE WRITING FOR THE MOVIES NOW?" "DON'T ASK ME THAT. "I DIDN'T WANT TO COME OUT TO THIS GODFORSAKEN COUNTRY, "BUT THE STUDIO HOUNDED ME TILL YOU WOULD HAVE "THOUGHT THAT IF I DIDN'T GET OUT HERE "BY THE 15th OF OCTOBER EVERY CAMERA IN HOLLYWOOD WOULD STOP CLICKING." "CLICK--CLICKING." THAT'S YOUR CUE. OH, I'M SORRY. AH. IS IT, UH-- IS IT OVERWRITTEN? NO. I JUST--I JUST I HAVE TO TAKE IT IN. IT'S NEW TO MY EARS. WOULD YOU RATHER READ IT TO YOURSELF? PERHAPS I'M NOT DOING IT JUSTICE. NO, IT'S GOOD. I GUESS IT WORKS BETTER WITH GEORGE IN THE SCENE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. KAUFMAN. FOR CHRIST SAKES! YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT, SAY SO! EXCUSE ME? STOP BEING SO GRATEFUL FOR EVERY CHANGE I MAKE. FRANKLY, IT--IT'S NOT PROFESSIONAL. WOULD YOU RATHER I DIDN'T LIKE YOUR CHANGES? OH, I CAN TELL WHEN YOU'RE NOT SURE ABOUT THEM. I'M SORRY-- THERE YOU GO AGAIN WITH "I'M SORRY"-- ALL RIGHT. I'M NOT SORRY! BETTER? I'M SORRY. WHAT--WHAT I'M NOT SURE ABOUT IS THE REPETITION. VAIL IS GIVING HIS SHPIEL TO TOO MANY CHARACTERS. EVERYBODY HE MEETS GETS THE SAME SHPIEL. BUT THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT WAS FUNNY ABOUT IT. THAT IS NOT FUNNY. HE HAS NOTHING ELSE TO SPEAK OF. THAT'S WHAT HIS LIFE HAS BEEN REDUCED TO. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT. HE'S A MINOR CHARACTER. MAYBE WE'RE TAKING TOO MUCH TIME WITH HIM. EXACTLY. BUT WHY DON'T WE SEE HOW IT PLAYS? ALL RIGHT. I COULD BE WRONG. WELL, THAT'S I'M TRYING TO-- MAYBE WE'RE COOKING A MEAL WHEN WE ONLY NEED AN HORS D'OEUVRE. IT IS A QUESTION OF BALANCE. IT'S STILL YOUR SCENE, MOSS. I DIDN'T MEAN TO TAMPER WITH-- I THINK WE SHOULD LEAVE IT FOR NOW, MR. KAUFMAN. I THINK. MAYBE.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

PIANO PLAYING

KNOCK ON DOOR

DORE

WHAT?! MR. KAUFMAN, MRS. KAUFMAN WANTED ME TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE IS A PARTY BEGINNING DOWNSTAIRS. WELL, TELL MRS. KAUFMAN THAT I'M NOT DEAF! WELL, I GUESS THERE'S NO PUTTING THIS OFF. LET'S GET IT OVER WITH. IT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE. IF I HAD KNOWN, I WOULD HAVE WORN MY GOOD SUIT. NO ONE WILL GIVE A CRAP WHAT YOU'RE WEARING. WATCH YOURSELF AROUND ALAN CAMPBELL. HE'LL NO DOUBT BE HERE. WHO'S THAT? WELL, DOROTHY PARKER'S HUSBAND, OF COURSE. I GUESS YOU DON'T LIKE GOSSIP. WELL, I--I DON'T-- NOTHING WRONG WITH GOSSIP AS LONG AS YOU DON'T MIND BEING ON THE OTHER END OF IT SOMETIMES. FRANKLY, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME.

BEATRICE

GEORGE, PETER WOULD LOVE TO CHAT. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM. THERE YOU ARE, MR. HART. COME ALONG. OH, MY DEAR. YOU'RE SHAKING. I AM? I--I RECOGNIZE SOME OF THESE PEOPLE. THEY'RE FAMOUS. OH DARLING, THESE PEOPLE WEREN'T ALWAYS FAMOUS. NOW I HAVE TO SAY I THINK IT'S BEEN A DELIGHT FOR GEORGE TO BE WRITING WITH YOU. REALLY? YES, AND I'M THRILLED, TOO. IT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE HIM WORKING WITH A YOUNG PERSON. I THINK ITS GIVEN HIM A REAL SHOT IN THE ARM.

WOMAN

THERE YOU ARE, DARLING. WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS LOOK SO STYLISH? I DO IT TO ANNOY YOU. DOROTHY PARKER, SAY HELLO TO MOSS HART. MOSS. I KNOW YOUR SISTER IVY. OH. HEH! MOSS AND GEORGE ARE WORKING ON A NEW PLAY. MOSS, LET ME GET YOU A DRINK. WE HAVE THE BEST GIN THAT PROHIBITION HAS TO OFFER. OH, THANK YOU. I CAN ATTEST TO THAT. HOW GOOD OF BEATRICE TO HAVE YOU AT THIS PARTY. YOU BRING DOWN OUR AVERAGE AGE TO AT LEAST 40. DOES, UH, EDNA FERBER KNOW SHE'S BEEN REPLACED BY A TEEN? DOES HE SPEAK? I'M SORRY. HE DOES IF YOU GIVE HIM A CHANCE. WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF. ONE HARPO AT A PARTY IS ENOUGH. I WONDERED IF THAT WAS HIM. DOES--DOES HE REALLY NOT SPEAK? HA HA! WHERE DID GEORGE FIND YOU? AH! JUST IN TIME! PACE YOURSELF, DEAR. BEATRICE IS ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR EVERYONE. I DO MY BEST. BEATRICE, WHY IS THERE NO FOOD AT THIS PARTY? HAVE THE COOKS GONE ON STRIKE? MAYBE THEY HAVE GONE ON STRIKE. WHY DON'T YOU GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND SEE? ME? YES. YOU WILL TERRORIZE THEM, MY DEAR. THEY'LL SIMPLY IGNORE ME.

PARKER

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE THE KITCHEN IS, GEORGE? HELP ME FIND IT. WE'LL SMELL OUR WAY THERE.

BEATRICE

NOW, MR. HART, DON'T BE SHY. GEORGE TELLS ME YOU CAN BE VERY WITTY. COME ALONG, DEAR. ALINE MacMAHON. OH. MOSS HART. YOU WERE JUST TERRIFIC IN "BEYOND THE HORIZON". WHY, THANK YOU. AND THIS IS ADOLPH. SHE THINKS IT'S CUTE TO CALL ME BY MY GIVEN NAME. I PREFER HARPO. I--I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU. I DIDN'T REALIZE ALL THOSE BLOND CURLS WERE A WIG. YOU ARE SO CHARMING. I ADMIRED MR. O'NEILL'S PLAY VERY MUCH. YOU WERE WONDERFUL, ALINE, BUT THAT WAS NOT A VERY FUNNY PLAY. WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT'S TRUE, BUT DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE FUNNY, HARPO? YES. UNLESS YOU'RE NOT JEWISH.

MOSS

HA HA! HA HA! THAT'S-- DID I MISS A FUNNY REMARK? APPARENTLY I MISSED IT, TOO. BEATRICE, WHO IS THIS? IT'S SO REFRESHING TO SEE A NEW FACE. MOSS HART, SIR. AH HA. LANGSTON HUGHES. YES. YOU'RE THE YOUNG FELLOW GEORGE IS WRITING WITH. HAVE I SEEN ANY OF YOUR OTHER WORK? OH, NO, SIR, NO. NO. NOT UNLESS YOU WERE IN ROCHESTER A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, HAPPENED TO CATCH A PLAY "THE BELOVED BANDIT." THAT'S A TITLE I WOULDN'T FORGET. I WOULD LOVE TO READ THAT. NO, YOU WOULDN'T. IT WAS TERRIBLE. OH, I'M SURE THAT'S NOT TRUE. NO, NO. IT--IT'S VERY TRUE. ROCHESTER DESERVED YOUR PLAY. I SECOND THAT. I HATED PLAYING THAT TOWN. UH, GEORGE, MR. HART HERE WAS JUST TELLING US SOMETHING ABOUT HIMSELF. DID YOU SEE HIS PLAY "THE BELOVED BANDIT"? THE "BELOVED" WHAT?

BANDIT. HUGHES

BANDIT, GEORGE. THERE'S MARY. WHERE DID YOU AND GEORGE MEET? SAM HARRIS READ A NEW PLAY OF MINE, AND HE SENT IT TO HIS GENERAL MANAGER. I'LL BE LOVING YOU ALWAYS

GUESTS GROANING

BANDIT. HUGHES

WITH A LOVE THAT'S TRUE ALWAYS I LOVE THIS SONG. OH, BEATRICE, PLEASE. THIS SONG SHOULD BE CALLED "I'LL BE LOVING YOU THURSDAY." OR NOT. ADOLPH, HE'S IN RARE FORM. COME ALONG, DEAR. LET'S LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC. MR. HART, EDNA FERBER. OH, IT'S AN HONOR TO MEET YOU. IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, AS WELL. EDNA, YOU ALMOST LOOK LIKE A MAN IN THAT SUIT. SAME COULD BE SAID FOR YOU. SPEAKING IN QUIP CAN BE EXHAUSTING. I'M LEAVING. PLEASURE TO HAVE MET YOU, MR. HART. LIKEWISE. LANGSTON, CAN WE SHARE A TAXICAB? ISN'T YOUR HUSBAND STILL HERE? YES. ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF? OH, UH, I'M NOT SURE I EXACTLY BELONG HERE. DEAR, THIS PARTY IS FOR YOU. WHAT? BEATRICE IS INTRODUCING YOU TO THEIR CROWD. REALLY? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. I JUST MET HER THIS MORNING. BUT SHE READ YOUR PLAY. OH? GEORGE WOULDN'T GET INVOLVED IN ANY PROJECT BEATRICE DOESN'T ENDORSE. SHE READS EVERYTH-- EVERYTHING HE'S WORKING ON. I SEE. COMPARING NOTES? GEORGE, DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF. I NEED TO SPEAK WITH YOU ABOUT LONDON, HMM? LOVELY TO HAVE MET YOU. LIKEWISE. NO DOUBT WE'LL BE SEEING MUCH MORE OF ONE ANOTHER. I SURE HOPE.

PIANO PLAYING NEW SONG

BANDIT. HUGHES

OH, GOD. UH, NOT JOINING THE PARTY? NOT IF EDNA FERBER IS STILL HERE. MR. WOOLCOTT, I JUST FINISHED THAT BOOK. YOU'LL LIKE IT VERY MUCH. HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? PSSHT! I BECAME PAINFULLY AWARE OF HOW UNQUALIFIED I WAS TO MOVE AMONGST THESE PEOPLE. IT DID HOWEVER HAVE THE ODD EFFECT OF GALVANIZING ME INTO A SORT OF WORKING FURY. I WAS DETERMINED TO SHOW WOOLCOTT AND THE OTHERS THAT MY OPINIONS WERE WORTH THEIR CONSIDERATION AND I DESERVED TO BE WORKING WITH GEORGE S. KAUFMAN. THANK YOU, MARY. WHAT SHOULD KNOW ABOUT SAM HARRIS? SAM IS THE FINEST PRODUCER I'VE EVER WORKED WITH, MOSS. HE'S SMART, BUT HE HAS NO AGENDA. HE TRUSTS HIS WRITERS, BUT WHEN HE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT YOUR PLAY, MOSS, YOU LISTEN. OH, HELLO THERE, GEORGE. SAM, YOU HAVE A TAN. I'M NOT SURE I APPROVE. YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS. HA HA HA. NOT REALLY. HA HA HA! AND THIS MUST BE THE YOUNG AUTHOR MR. HART. HELLO THERE, KID! WHAT A PLEASURE AT LAST. SAM HARRIS. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT. GEORGE, COME, SIT, SIT. SO TELL ME, HOW ARE YOU TWO COMING ALONG? UH, MOSS, YOU TELL HIM. WELL, I'M STARVING MOST OF THE TIME, BUT I THINK WE'VE GOT A GOOD SECOND ACT. HA HA HA! TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF. WHAT HAVE BEEN, UH, SOME OF YOUR MOST RECENT PROJECTS? WELL, I'VE BEEN THE SOCIAL DIRECTOR AT THE FLAGLER HOTEL FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS, EARNING, I MIGHT ADD, THE LARGEST SALARY ANYONE HAS RECEIVED IN THE HISTORY OF THE BORSCHT BELT. HEH HEH. AND IN THE THEATER? OH. IN THE OFF MONTHS, I DIRECT AMATEUR THEATRICALS IN NEWARK AT THE YMHA-- WE'RE VERY CLOSE TO CRACKING THE THIRD ACT, I THINK. THAT'S GREAT NEWS. I CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT, OF COURSE. NOW LOOK. I WANT TO GET MOVING SO WE CAN LINE UP THEATERS. THERE'S AN OPENING IN ATLANTIC CITY IN 8 WEEKS. YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE THAT? OH. 8 WEEKS. I DON'T SEE WHY NOT. NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE PRESSURE TO GET THE WHEELS TURNING. GOOD. FROM THERE, WE CAN MOVE ON TO BRIGHTON BEACH AND COME IN HERE, OPEN AT THE MUSIC BOX NEXT SEASON. HOW DOES THAT PLAN SOUND? NOTHING WOULD PLEASE ME MORE. I'M ASSUMING YOU'RE STILL DIRECTING. WELL, THAT IS MY INTENTION AS LONG AS MR. HART HERE HASN'T CHANGED HIS MIND. ARE YOU KIDDING? AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, YOU'RE THE BEST DIRECTOR WE HAVE WORKING TODAY. I CAN'T THINK OF ANOTHER DIRECTOR-- STOP. STOP. ALL RIGHT THEN. YOU'RE STILL DIRECTING. AH. EXCUSE ME. YES. GIVE ME A MINUTE. SORRY TO CUT THIS SHORT, GENTLEMEN. WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE ISSUE DOWNSTAIRS WITH A CERTAIN ACTRESS. OH, HA HA! I THINK SHE'S GOT MAX IN A STRANGLE HOLD. AH. YOUNG MAN, WE WILL BE SEEING MORE OF EACH OTHER. YES. I HOPE A LOT MORE. GEORGE, ALWAYS A PLEASURE. I GUESS THAT WENT FINE. MAY-- MAYBE I TALKED TOO MUCH. WELL, WE SHOULD GET BACK TO WORK. UH, ONE SECOND. ONE SECOND. UH, LET'S SIT FOR A MOMENT LONGER, SHALL WE? THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH YOU. OF COURSE. WELL, UH... WHAT, UH-- WHAT WOULD YOU THINK, UH-- I MEAN, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF I, UH-- IF-- IF I WERE TO-- WERE TO PLAY THE PART OF LAWRENCE VAIL? AS WE ARE ABOUT TO THINK ABOUT CASTING, I THOUGHT I WOULD MAKE THAT SUGGESTION NOW. YOU-- YOU WANT TO-- YOU WANT TO-- HA HA HA! SCRATCH A PLAYWRIGHT, YOU FIND A FRUSTRATED ACTOR! OF COURSE, IT IS A BIT OF A TRICK BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER ACTED PROFESSIONALLY, BUT I THINK I CAN DO IT, AND--AND IT WOULD LEND THAT PART A KIND OF AUTHENTICITY. IT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA. IT COULDN'T BE BETTER CASTING. YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT? NO. I MEAN IT. I'VE HEARD YOU READ THE ROLE. NOBODY COULD DO IT BETTER. YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE COURAGE I'VE HAD TO MUSTER TO ASK YOU. NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE AMBLE OVER TO 21 FOR AN EARLY LUNCH? OH, THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL. AND IF YOU DON'T EAT THE ENTIRE MENU, WE CAN STILL GET IN AN AFTERNOON OF WORK. HA HA HA! OUR FIRST PERFORMANCE IN ATLANTIC CITY ARRIVED IN A FLASH. NOW SUCH TECHNICAL CHAOS ENSUED JUST GETTING THE SHOW UP AND RUNNING THAT MR. KAUFMAN AND I WERE NEVER ABLE TO GIVE WITH THE SCRIPT. I WAS SO FRAZZLED. I DIDN'T WANT ANYBODY COMING DOWN TO SEE THE SHOW. I COULDN'T EAT, I COULDN'T SLEEP. I WAS NOTHING BUT A BUNDLE OF NERVES BY THE TIME WE WERE ABOUT TO SHARE "ONCE IN A LIFETIME" WITH THE PUBLIC.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

BANDIT. HUGHES

WELL, THE FIRING SQUAD HAS ARRIVED. WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO SIT? OH, I DON'T SIT. I PACE.

WOMAN

FINALLY PICKED OUT OUR CHINA PATTERN.

SECOND WOMAN

OH. DID YOU GET THE ONE WITH THE BIRDS OR THE LITTLE FLOWERS? I WENT WITH THE BIRDS. THE LITTLE BLUE BIRDS. YEAH, I LIKE THOSE. OH, THAT'S SO CHARMING. STOP TALKING AND TAKE YOUR SEATS, YOU SONS OF BITCHES. THE CURTAIN'S ABOUT TO GO UP. I BEG YOUR PARDON. YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! THE NERVE! YOU'RE AN USHER? YES. THEN DO YOUR JOB! USH! DON'T PUSH ME! SHUSH! I SPENT VERY GOOD MONEY ON THESE TICKETS.

WOMEN CHATTERING

MAY

I HOPE HE'S OUT THERE GETTING US SOME BOOKINGS.

GEORGE

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT, MAY. I'M READING. STILL "VARIETY"? UH-HUH. ONE OF THESE DAYS, YOU'LL PICK UP A PAPER THAT'S WRITTEN IN ENGLISH, AND YOU'LL HAVE TO SEND OUT FOR AN INTERPRETER.

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

GEORGE

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MAY? "VARIETY" IS IN ENGLISH.

RETCHING

GEORGE

SHH.

MAY

WHEN DO WE PLAY THE PALACE?

GEORGE

HELLO, JERRY.

JERRY

MAY, IT'S HERE. YOU GOT BOOKINGS? IS IS THE PALACE? NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT. I SAW HISTORY MADE TONIGHT. THERE WERE PLENTY OF PLACES WHERE THEY DIDN'T LAUGH WHEN YOU WERE OFF DOING WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WERE DOING. I'M SORRY. MY STOMACH IS SO TIGHT-- I AM NOT INTERESTED IN THE DETAILS.

APPLAUSE

JERRY

THAT FIRST ACT WORKED LIKE A CHARM. NOW WHEN THE SECOND ACT BEGAN, GEORGE KAUFMAN MADE HIS ENTRANCE ONSTAGE. THE PLAY WAS NOW FIRING ON ALL ENGINES. EVERYTHING LANDED. KAUFMAN'S COMEDIC TIMING WAS FLAWLESS. LINES THAT WEREN'T EVEN FUNNY WERE GREETED WITH ROARS OF LAUGHTER. WHEN HE MADE HIS EXIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SECOND ACT, A ROUSING ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOLLOWED.

APPLAUSE

JERRY

WHAT IS IT, KID? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS COUGHING

MAY

LET A LADY HAVE HER MOMENT. IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE TOGETHER AGAIN, I GUESS. IT SEEMED SO LONG.

JERRY

MAY, I CAN'T EVER FORGIVE MYSELF. THIS COULDN'T BE HAPPENING. SUDDENLY, NOTHING THE AUDIENCE WAS WATCHING WAS FUNNY. THE SECOND ACT CURTAIN WAS MET WITH TEPID APPLAUSE, AND THINGS ONLY GOT WORSE IN THE THIRD ACT WHEN THE COUGHS GREW TO AN EPIDEMIC OF RESPIRATORY AILMENTS.

LOUD COUGHING

JERRY

MR. HARRIS. HEH. SO YOU'VE GOT AN ACT AND A HALF OF A HIT. HEH HEH. TELL GEORGE I'LL SEND OVER MY NOTES TO HIS ROOM IN THE MORNING. W-WE'RE NOT MEETING TONIGHT? NO. I'M HEADING BACK TO NEW YORK. GET SOME SLEEP, KID. YOU LOOK PALE. HEH HEH HEH. IS MR. HARRIS GOING TO CLOSE THE SHOW? NO. THIS IS WHY WE'RE IN ATLANTIC CITY. LOOK. THERE'S A GREAT STORY THERE, SOME VERY FUNNY CHARACTERS. YOU TWO WILL FIX IT. AH, MOSS, THERE'S A THERMOS OF COFFEE AND A COUPLE OF SANDWICHES. THEY'RE FOR YOU. WE'RE GONNA BE WORKING ALL NIGHT,

AND ROOM SERVICE CLOSES AT 1

00. DON'T-- DON'T LOOK SO GLUM! NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT A NEW PLAY UNTIL IT MEETS ITS FIRST AUDIENCE, HUH? NOW YOU KNOW WHAT DIDN'T WORK TONIGHT AS WELL I DO. FIXING IT WILL BE ANOTHER MATTER. WE'LL BEGIN BY CUTTING THIS SCRIPT RIGHT DOWN TO THE BONE. THAT'LL GIVE US A CLEAN LOOK AT WHAT WE HAVE. OH! AND LOOK WHAT I'VE GOT! AH? FUDGE. WHAT? HUH? FOR ENERGY. NEVER FAILS. TAKE A-- TAKE A BIG PIECE. OH, SURE. HA HA HA! UH, I, UH-- I MAKE IT MYSELF. NO KIDDING? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COOKED. A LITTLE TRADITION I HAVE WHEN I'M ON THE ROAD. GO AHEAD. OH, SURE. UH-HUH. IT'S WONDERFUL! IT WAS JUST INEDIBLE. OH, IT'S AMAZING! THANK YOU! THANK YOU. CAN'T BUY THIS ANYWHERE. HMM. NEVER THE RIGHT CONSISTENCY, IS IT? NEVER SWEET ENOUGH, HUH? IT'S DELICIOUS. HA HA! I'M--I'M FLATTERED YOU LIKE IT. NOW THIS FUDGE SHOULD GIVE US A GOOD 6 HOURS.

I'VE CALLED A REHEARSAL FOR 11

00, SO WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET A COUPLE OF HOURS OF SLEEP. OH! WE'LL WANT TO GO OVER SAM HARRIS' NOTES. WE CAN DO THAT BETWEEN THE MORNING AND AFTERNOON REHEARSAL, ALL RIGHT? KAUFMAN THREW HIMSELF INTO THE WORK LIKE A MAN HALF HIS AGE, AND HE WAS FUNCTIONING AS PLAYWRIGHT, DIRECTOR, AND ACTOR! I, ON THE OTHER HAND, WAS COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED AT THE END OF OUR RUN. UNFORTUNATELY, AFTER OUR WEEK IN ATLANTIC CITY MR. KAUFMAN TOLD ME THAT WE HAD DISCOVERED WITH A SOUND SATIRIC VIEWPOINT BUT VERY LITTLE DRAMATIC FOCUS. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANT. WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING! EXCUSE ME, MRS. ROSENBLOOM? YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE TOLD THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD WHAT A BIG HIT YOUR PLAY WAS IN ATLANTIC CITY. EVERYBODY IS COMING TO SEE IT AT BRIGHTON BEACH. THEY CAN'T WAIT. ESTELLE, LET HIM BE. WE WANT TO SEE OUR SON. IT'S BEEN FOREVER. IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS. BOTH MY SONS AND THEIR WIVES ARE COMING TO SEE IT AT BRIGHTON BEACH, AND THEY'RE TELLING EVERYONE THEY WORK WITH. ESTELLE! I'M GOING, I'M GOING! THANK YOU MRS. ROSENBLOOM. GOOD TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. MOSSY. MA? TELL ME EVERYTHING. MA, WHY ARE YOU TELLING EVERYBODY THE PLAY WAS A HIT? IT WAS NOT A HIT! YES, IT WAS! ESTELLE SHOWED ME THE REVIEW FROM THE "JEWISH NEWS OF NEW JERSEY." THEY LIKED IT VERY MUCH, MOSS. SINCE WHEN ARE YOU AND ESTELLE ROSENBLOOM FRIENDS? ONCE SHE SAW THE POSTER FOR YOUR PLAY IN BRIGHTON BEACH, SHE'S--SHE'S TAKEN ME UNDER HER WING. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US? TELL YOU WHAT? THAT THIS--THAT THIS KAUFMAN IS SOMEONE FAMOUS. ESTELLE SAID SHE READS HIS NAME IN THE PAPER EVERY WEEK. WHY WOULD YOU KEEP SUCH A THING A SECRET? MAY I REMIND YOU, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DIDN'T WANT ME TO CASH THE $500 CHECK BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T WORK OUT? WHAT CHECK?! CASH THE CHECK! I CASHED IT MONTHS AGO! WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'VE BEEN LIVING OFF OF? SO DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE GOING TO BE FAMOUS? WILL YOU ALL PLEASE JUST STOP? YOU LOOK THINNER. YEAH? I DON'T KNOW, POP. MAYBE. HEH. THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU TO GO SKIPPING MEALS. IS IT HARD WORK PUTTING ON A PLAY? IT IS, POP. I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER SEEN ONE. SOW A PANTOMIME ONCE WHEN I WAS YOUNG.

BERNIE

WE ALL WENT TOGETHER TO SEE THE POSTER IN BRIGHTON BEACH. IT'S HUGE! WITH OUR NAME ON IT! I WAS IMPRESSED, MOSS. LOOK WHAT I GOT. NOT ONE BUT TWO NEW DRESSES. WHY? WHY? BECAUSE WE ARE GOING TO THE THEATER TO SEE OUR SON'S PLAY. YOU NEEDED TWO? WELL, ESTELLE SAYS I CAN'T WEAR THE SAME DRESS EVERY NIGHT. EVERY NIGHT?! SINCE WHEN CAN WE AFFORD NEW CLOTHES? SINCE I GOT THEM AT MRS. LEVINE'S SHOP. WHEN ESTELLE TOLD HER WHO MY SON WAS, SHE GAVE THEM TO ME ON CREDIT. SHE GOT PAPA AND ME NEW SHIRTS AND TIES. YOUR MOTHER HAS LOST HER SENSES. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HEARING THIS. PLEASE. I-- ESTELLE SAYS EVERYTHING THIS MR. KAUFMAN DOES IS A SUCCESS. NO. YES. IT'S FOR CERTAIN. NOTHING IN THE THEATER IS FOR CERTAIN. PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! HEY. DON'T TALK TO YOUR MOTHER THAT WAY! WHY? YOU TALK TO HER THAT WAY ALL THE TIME! WATCH YOUR MOUTH! NOW YOU'RE MR. BIG SHOT? THIS IS STILL MY HOUSE. EXCUSE ME. I'M GOING TO BED. WAIT! WE WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT ATLANTIC CITY. NO I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY AND FINISH THE PLAY SO WE CAN PAY FOR MRS. LEVINE'S DRESSES. WHAT? IT'S NOT FINISHED? WHY ISN'T THE PLAY FINISHED? HOW CAN THE PLAY NOT BE FINISHED? WE'RE SEEING IT IN A WEEK. GOOD NIGHT! THEY SELL TICKETS TO A PLAY THAT'S NOT FINISHED? DAD HASN'T BEEN THIS HAPPY SINCE HE GOT THE RADIO. YEAH? I SUPPOSE. WELL, AREN'T YOU EXCITED? WHAT IF THE PLAY FLOPS, BERNIE? YOUR PLAY FAILS IN ROCHESTER, IT'S ONE THING. YOUR PLAY FAILS IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD, THEN WHAT? BACK TO NO MONEY AND TO NO PROSPECTS. WELL, I GOT A JOB THIS SUMMER. WHAT? I'M GOING TO WORK AT THE FUR FACTORY. YOU CAN'T WORK THERE TILL YOU'RE 13! DAD SAID TO LIE ABOUT MY AGE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I'M ALREADY MAKING MONEY! HEY. WHERE--WHERE-- WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? A COUPLE OF THE GUYS SNITCHED A CASE OF IT FROM THE BACK OF A TRUCK. WE'VE BEEN SELLING IT. HERE, I SAVED THIS ONE FOR YOU. ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU'RE MESSING WITH BOOTLEGGERS NOW? D-DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU COULD GET IN FOR THAT? I--I DON'T WANT THAT. JEEZ, TRY TO DO YOUR BROTHER A FAVOR. LISTEN. I'LL GET YOU A JOB UP AT THE FLAGLER THIS SUMMER. I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THE CITY-- OH, SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT YET. STOP MESSING WITH THOSE SCHMUCKS ON THE STREET. IF YOU WORK AT THE FLAGLER, IT'S ONLY A SUMMER JOB. YOU WORK AT THE FURRIER, DAD'LL MAKE YOU DROP OUT OF SCHOOL. I DON'T LIKE SCHOOL, AND I'M LOUSY AT IT. YOU'RE THE SMART ONE. IF I'M SO SMART, THEN WHY AM I STILL BE LIVING WITH MY PARENTS? HEY, HEY. LISTEN-- LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING, BERNARD! IT'S IMPORTANT YOU FINISH SCHOOL. WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT SCHOOL? BECAUSE PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU DIFFERENTLY WHEN YOU'RE EDUCATED. YOU WANT A CHANCE AT SOMETHING OTHER THAN THIS LIFE, DON'T YOU? I GUESS. GOOD. I'M GONNA ASK IF POP CAN GET A JOB AT THE FLAGLER, TOO. OH, HEY. HEH.

RATTLING

BERNIE

PER YOUR REQUEST, BERNIE. BROUGHT YOU BACK SOME SALTWATER TAFFY FROM ATLANTIC CITY. WOW. THANKS, MOSS.

ENGINES REVVING

CHURCH BELL RINGS

BERNIE

HOLY CRAP! MABEL DALDRY IS HERE. EVERYONE IS HERE! MABEL DALDRY DID EVERYTHING BUT SLEEP ON KAUFMAN'S DOORSTEP TO BE IN THIS PLAY, AND KAUFMAN DIDN'T CAST HER, SO MABEL DALDRY COMES ALL THE WAY TO BRIGHTON BEACH TO SEE THE FIRST PERFORMANCE? EVERYONE FROM BROADWAY IS GONNA BE HERE TONIGHT, MOSS. WHAT? DO YOU THINK THAT THE VULTURES ARE GOING TO WAIT UNTIL A NEW GEORGE S. KAUFMAN PLAY OPENS ON BROADWAY? OK. OK. IF IT WEREN'T MY PLAY, I WOULD BE HERE, TOO, WITH MY TEETH SHARPENED, READY TO TEAR IT TO PIECES. SERVES ME RIGHT. YOU'RE GOING TO INTRODUCE US TO KAUFMAN, RIGHT? YES, IRVING, BUT NOT TONIGHT. WHY DON'T YOU GUYS HEAD TO YOUR SEATS? I'LL SEE YOU AFTER THE SHOW. I THINK I'LL JUST GO THROW UP NOW AND GET IT OUT OF THE WAY. TERRIFIC. BREAK A LEG. IT WAS A PAINFUL NIGHT, AND OUR JUDICIOUS EDITING AND MINOR ADDITIONS HAD LITTLE EFFECT, AND JUST AS IN ATLANTIC CITY, THE SECOND KAUFMAN MADE HIS EXIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SECOND ACT, THERE WAS TOTAL SILENCE EXCEPT FOR ONE HOWLER. HA HA! HA HA! SHE SEEMED TO LAUGH AT ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA! I'M GOING TO GO UP TO THAT WOMAN AND RIP OUT HER LARYNX. HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA! I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. IT'S MY MOTHER. YOU HAVE MY SYMPATHIES. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! "IT IS PROBABLY UNFAIR TO INFER "THAT THE GOOD PARTS "OF A PLAY ARE WRITTEN BY ONE MAN "AND THE INFER-I-OR PARTS BY ANOTHER, "BUT JUDGING BY THE NAMES IN THE PROGRAM, "THE FIRST HALF OF ONCE IN A LIFETIME "WAS WRITTEN BY GEORGE S. KAUFMAN AND THE REST BY MOSS HART." OK. YOU CAN STOP THERE, BERNIE. THANK YOU. THAT'S GREAT. MOSSY, MOSSY, WHAT DO BROOKLYN CRITICS KNOW ABOUT A PLAY, ANYWAY? IF THEY WERE REAL CRITICS, THEY WOULDN'T BE IN BROOKLYN! MOSS, I SO ENJOYED THE SHOW LAST NIGHT. DID YOU SEE THE REVIEW IN THE "BROOKLYN JEWISH RECORD"? WHAT, HE'S NOT HAPPY? GIVE ME PLAZA-7412, PLEASE.

TELEPHONE RINGING

BERNIE

HELLO? MR. KAUFMAN, IT'S MOSS. HELLO, MOSS. WHAT TIME DO YOU WANT TO MEET? MOSS, I THINK WE BOTH NEED A RESPITE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS BEFORE WE TACKLE THE PLAY AGAIN. REALLY? REALLY. A LITTLE BREATHING ROOM WILL GIVE US SOME PERSPECTIVE. ALL RIGHT, SIR. AND BY THE WAY, MOSS, DON'T LET YOURSELF BE UPSET BY THAT SILLY BASTARD IN THE "HERALD." HOW WOULD HE OR ANYONE ELSE KNOW WHO WROTE WHICH PARTS OF OUR PLAY? I'M NOT UPSET! GOOD. I'LL SEE YOU THERE TONIGHT. AS THE WEEK WORE ON, THE AUDIENCES WARMED BACK UP BUT GOT SMALLER IN NUMBER. SAM HARRIS AND MAX SIEGEL HAD APPEARED ONLY ONCE SINCE OPENING NIGHT, AND MOST WORRISOME WAS THAT MR. KAUFMAN AND I NEVER HAD A MEETING. AT THE FINAL PERFORMANCE, HE DID NOT APPEAR AT THE BACK OF THE THEATER. THE CURTAIN'S UP. I WAS WORRIED SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED TO YOU. HOW IS IT GOING? OH, WONDERFULLY! WELL, THAT'LL BE A NICE CHANGE. COME UP TO THE DRESSING ROOM AT THE END OF THE SHOW, WILL YOU? SURE.

BEATRICE

I'LL SEND THE CAR BACK FOR YOU, DEAR. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND. I WON'T BE SEEING THE SHOW TONIGHT. OH? YOU HAVEN'T BEEN BACK IN A WHILE. I ALWAYS MARVEL THAT GEORGE CAN WATCH HIS PLAYS OVER AND OVER. HOW DO YOU HAVE ANY OBJECTIVITY? WELL, THE AUDIENCES CAN CHANGE EVEN IF THE PLAY DOESN'T, AND THAT CAN LEAD TO SOME INSIGHT I SUPPOSE. NICELY PUT. I'M SORRY WE HAVEN'T HAD MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER. I'VE SO ENJOYED OUR CHATS. THANK YOU. SO HAVE I. I GUESS WE'LL BE SEEING MORE OF ONE ANOTHER THIS SUMMER WHEN MR. KAUFMAN AND I ARE WORKING ON OUR NEW DRAFT. OH. I WON'T BE HERE THIS SUMMER. WE'VE TAKEN A VILLA IN FRANCE FOR 3 MONTHS. HARPO, WOOLCOTT, AND I ARE LEAVING NEXT WEEK. SOUNDS VERY GLAMOROUS. DOES IT? HUH. I SUPPOSE I SHOULDN'T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED NOW SHOULD I? WELL, YOU'LL BE SPENDING MANY SUMMERS IN EUROPE YOURSELF ONE DAY. YOU'RE GOING TO BE A VERY SUCCESSFUL PLAYWRIGHT. YOU'LL BE WRITING MANY OTHER PLAYS, MOSS. THAT SOUNDS ALMOST... THAT SOUNDS ALMOST A LITTLE PATRONIZING. OH, DEAR, THAT'S CERTAINLY NOT HOW I MEANT IT. HOW DID YOU... MEAN IT? I THINK YOU KNOW, MOSS. SO... I'M GUESSING YOU DON'T LIKE THIS PLAY VERY MUCH. THAT'S NOT FAIR. I'VE BEEN ROOTING FOR THIS PLAY SINCE THE MOMENT I READ IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK? DO YOU THINK THIS PLAY HAS MET ITS POTENTIAL? I SUPPOSE NOT, BUT ISN'T THAT WHY WE'RE IN BRIGHTON BEACH? YES. AND WHY YOU WERE IN ATLANTIC CITY. MOSS, YES, GEORGE ASKS MY OPINION, AND THERE ARE THOSE WHO THINK I HAVE THE ULTIMATE SAY WITH HIM. SURELY YOU MUST KNOW BY NOW THAT GEORGE DOES WHAT GEORGE WANTS. I CAN ASSURE YOU THERE HAVE BEEN MANY TIMES WHEN I WISHED HE HAD LISTENED TO ME. YOU'RE A VERY TALENTED YOUNG MAN, AND I'M TERRIBLY FOND OF YOU. I MEAN THAT SINCERELY. BEST OF LUCK. THAT AUDIENCE WAS PRETTY DEAD TONIGHT, HUH? READY FOR THE MORGUE. HEH HEH. MOSS, THIS HAS NOT BEEN AN EASY DECISION FOR ME TO MAKE, BUT I'M CERTAIN NOW THAT I HAVEN'T ANYTHING MORE TO OFFER TO THIS PLAY. I'VE--I'VE GONE DRY ON IT, MOSS. I KNOW. I SPOKE WITH MRS. KAUFMAN. OH? WE HAVEN'T HAD A WORKING SESSION SINCE WE OPENED HERE. LISTEN. I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. I WOULD'VE BEEN OF NO USE. AND WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY "DRY"? UH, DRY IS PERHAPS NOT THE RIGHT WORD. MAYBE I'VE LOST MY TASTE FOR IT. THAT HAPPENS SOMETIMES. IT'S A REALITY IN THIS BUSINESS. I'M SURE YOU'LL GET IT DONE AGAIN. THERE'S A LOT OF GOOD MATERIAL THERE, AND YOU MAY GET THE IDEA THAT CRACKS THE SECOND AND THIRD ACTS. I WANT NO PART OF THE ROYALTIES. IT'S YOURS FREE AND CLEAR. SAM HARRIS WILL MAKE A VERY GENEROUS OFFER TO ANY PRODUCER WHO WANTS TO DO IT. YOU'RE SURE YOU'VE GONE DRY ON IT? YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GIVE UP, MR. KAUFMAN?

GULLS CAWING

WAVES ROLLING

BEATRICE

I TOOK MYSELF DOWN TO THE BOARDWALK TO TRY TO ABSORB THIS NEWS. I STARED ENVIOUSLY AT THE CAREFREE YOUNG COUPLES THAT CROSSED IN FRONT OF ME. I NEVER HAD A YOUTH. NO IDLE TIME TO COURT A GIRLFRIEND OR TAKE A STROLL ON THE BOARDWALK. WHAT LITTLE FREE TIME I HAD LEFT AFTER TRYING TO HELP SUPPORT MY FAMILY, I GAVE TO MY PLAYS, AND FOR WHAT? AFTER A WHILE, MY RESENTMENT SUBSIDED, AND IT BECAME IRONICALLY CLEAR THAT I DIDN'T REALLY ENVY THESE PEOPLE AT ALL. I'D BEEN SPENDING MY TIME DOING WHAT I REALLY WANTED, TRYING TO GET THROUGH A STAGE DOOR AGAIN, AND AT THIS VERY MOMENT, THERE WAS ONLY ONE MAN STANDING IN MY WAY. DAMN YOU, GEORGE KAUFMAN! MAYBE IT WAS MY SHEER DESPERATION, BUT A FRESH IDEA CAME TO ME. WELL, MAYBE FRESH IS THE WRONG WORD BECAUSE IT SEEMED SO OBVIOUS! HELLO, MR. HART. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING TODAY. OH, YES, MR. KAUFMAN AND I, WE HAVE A WORKING SESSION. REALLY? HE USUALLY MENTIONS-- HE PROBABLY FORGOT TO TELL YOU. GOOD TO SEE YOU. WELL, HE'S IN THE BREAKFAST ROOM. MR. KAUFMAN! DID I KNOW YOU WERE COMING? NO. I'M BUSY JUST NOW. I'LL WAIT. MOSS,

IT'S 7

30 IN THE MORNING. I KNOW. GOOD MORNING. I SPENT THE ENTIRE EVENING WORKING OUT A NEW SECOND AND THIRD ACT, AND I'D LIKE YOU TO HEAR IT. WE HAVE WORKED ON THIS SHOW FOR ALMOST A YEAR, AND NOW IN ONE NIGHT, YOU THINK YOU'VE SUDDENLY CRACKED IT? I DIDN'T SAY I SUDDENLY CRACKED IT. I FEEL I'VE SEEN IT ANEW. A GUN TO YOUR HEAD HELPS YOU SUDDENLY FOCUS. OH? DID SOMEONE HAVE A GUN TO YOUR HEAD? NOT SOMEONE. MOSS, I REALLY DON'T THINK MUCH WILL BE GAINED-- THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS HEAR IT. RIGHT NOW? IT WILL TAKE 15 MINUTES. I WAS JUST HAVING MY BREAKFAST-- EAT TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT. ONE REASON THE SECOND ACT FALLS FLAT IN THE MIDDLE IS BECAUSE WE ARE LOSING MAY, JERRY, AND GEORGE. AS IT STANDS, MAY... IS NOTHING BUT A WISE-CRACKING DAME. WE--WE'VE GOT TO TO GIVE SOME VULNERABILITY. NOW HERE'S A BIG IDEA! LET'S GIVE MAY A ROMANTIC INTEREST IN JERRY. I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE SENTIMENT, BUT LET'S TRY-- WHOA, WHOA. WHO-- WHO SAYS I DON'T LIKE SENTIMENT? WELL, YOU CAN LACK A LITTLE WARMTH. I BEG YOUR PARDON. NOT YOU OF COURSE-- IN THE WORK. YOUR WRITING IS VERY FUNNY AND CYNICAL, BUT IT TENDS TO LACK ANY HEART! I DON'T THINK OF MYSELF AS A CYNIC. WHY DO PEOPLE SAY THAT ABOUT ME? YES, YES, I HAVE A SHARP TONGUE, BUT WHY DO PEOPLE CONFUSE WHAT YOU WRITE WITH WHO YOU ARE? I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE HAD TO SAY ABOUT YOU? WHERE DID YOU GET THAT IMPRESSION? YOU SAID THAT TO ME. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT GOSSIP ONCE-- I DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE MAKE OF WHAT I DO OR DON'T DO, BUT WHAT I WRITE, MY WORK, THAT--THAT'S AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT MATTER. I THINK WE'RE GETTING OFF THE SUBJECT HERE. I AGREE. CARRY ON. AND FOR TWO STRAIGHT HOURS WITH EVERY OUNCE OF PASSION I COULD MUSTER, I MADE MY CASE TO KAUFMAN. NOW AND I KNOW THIS IS NOT MY PURVIEW-- I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WAS GOING TO TAKE 15 MINUTES. I'M READY FOR LUNCH. ONE MORE THING. I THINK--THINK YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER A NEW SET FOR THE THIRD ACT. WHAT? OUR AUDIENCES HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT TO EXPERIENCE THE EXCESSES OF HOLLYWOOD. HOW ABOUT WE MAKE THE FIRST SETTING THE PIGEON EGG CLUB, WHERE THE WAITRESSES ARE DRESSED AS PIGEONS, FEATHERS AND ALL, AND THE PATRONS SIT AT TABLES INSIDE HUGE CRACKED EGGS? THAT COULD BE HILARIOUS! MOSS... I--I JUST DON'T THINK SO. THIS IS A GREAT DEAL OF WORK. THESE--THESE ARE MAJOR CHANGES AND--AND A HUGE GAMBLE. YOU ALREADY SIGNED ON FOR A HUGE GAMBLE. I DID? WHEN YOU CHOSE TO WORK WITH ME. I HAD NO EXPERIENCE AND NO REPUTATION. YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN ANY NUMBER OF OTHER PROJECTS, AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LESS OF A GAMBLE, BUT YOU SAID YES TO "ONCE IN A LIFETIME." YOU SAID YES TO ME! NOW LISTEN. YOU'VE BEEN BUSY DIRECTING AND ACTING IN IT, AND OK, I HAVEN'T CARRIED MY WEIGHT. I EXPECTED YOU TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS, AND THAT WASN'T FAIR TO BOTH OF US. AFTER THE "HERALD" REVIEW, YOU SAID THIS WAS OUR PLAY. I CAN'T TAKE IT BACK OR DO IT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU EVEN SUGGESTED THAT! I WANT A LIFE IN THIS BUSINESS. THAT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED! AND I WANT TO GET THIS PLAY UP, AND I WANT TO GET IT RIGHT, AND I WANT TO DO IT NOW, AND I WANT TO DO IT WITH YOU. WE'RE A GOOD TEAM. AND WE CAN FIX THIS, GEORGE! WHAT'S THE MATTER? NOTHING IS THE MATTER. I'M JUST WAITING. HOW SOON COULD YOU MOVE IN HERE? IN HERE? NOT IN THIS ROOM! NO, I KNOW. IN THE HOUSE. BEATRICE GOES OFF TO EUROPE. ANN IS LEAVING FOR CAMP. YOU COULD STAY IN HER ROOM. THAT'S A FULL SUMMER'S WORK YOU'VE LAID OUT HERE, YOU KNOW, WITH EVENINGS INCLUDED, BUT IF YOU MOVE IN HERE, I THINK WE CAN BE IN REHEARSAL FOR ONE MORE OUT OF TOWN TRYOUT IN AUGUST AND BE READY FOR BROADWAY IN THE FALL. I'LL GO HOME, AND PACK A SUITCASE, AND BE RIGHT BACK! TOMORROW MORNING WILL DO. I'LL BE LOOKING AT YOU ALL SUMMER. THERE WAS AN UNBEARABLE STRETCH OF HEAT WAVES THAT SUMMER. WE SWEATED AROUND THE CLOCK FOR 6 LONG WEEKS, TRYING TO MAKE THAT SUCKER TO WORK, AND SOMEHOW, WE MANAGED TO FINISH THE THIRD ACT AND JUT IN TIME FOR REHEARSALS. MOSS! WHAT? MOSS! WHAT? I'M RIGHT HERE. AH! I THINK YOU'D BETTER SIT DOWN OR LIE DOWN OR SHUT UP OR GO AWAY OR SOMETHING. WHY? I'M ABOUT TO TYPE "THE END". WHAT, NO FAREWELL SPEECH TO THE TROOPS? NO DECLARATIONS OF RESPECT AND APPRECIATION FOR MY EXTRAORDINARY GIFTS? I THINK I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. I KNOW THE FEELING. CAPITOL T-H-E SPACE CAPITOL E-N-D. PERIOD. SORRY, SORRY. DORE IS ALWAYS ENCOURAGING, EDDIE. YOU'RE THE ONE THAT ALWAYS GOES IN FOR THE KILL. I DON'T GO IN FOR THE KILL, IRVING. EDDIE. I GIVE MOSS MY HONEST OPINION, WHICH HE VALUES GREATLY. HOLY SMOKES.

MOSS

GENTLEMEN, GEORGE S. KAUFMAN. IRVING GORDON. MR. GORDON, NICE TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE. UH, DORE-- DORE SCHARY. UH... DORE. A NAME ALMOST AS CURIOUS AS MOSS.

DORE

THANK YOU. EDWARD CHODOROV, SIR. MR. CHODOROV. EDDIE IS THE ONE WHO BROUGHT MY PLAY TO FRIEDA. AH. THANK YOU FOR THAT. YOU AND MISS FISHBEIN ARE CLOSE, ARE YOU? HOW DO YOU MEAN CLOSE? HOWEVER YOU LIKE, MR. CHODOROV. VERY--VERY GOOD OF YOU TO COME ALL THE WAY TO PHILADELPHIA TO SEE OUR PLAY. YOU HAVE LOYAL FRIENDS, MOSS. WELL, SIT DOWN, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE. NO, NO. WE SHOULD GET TO WORK. SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN. WELL, WOULD YOU CARE TO SHARE YOUR IMPRESSIONS OF THIS EVENING'S PERFORMANCE? THE PLAY HAS IMPROVED GREATLY SINCE BRIGHTON BEACH, SIR. YOU DID SOME TERRIFIC WORK. IT'S FUNNIER AND MORE HUMAN. THOSE FIRST TWO ACTS WERE LIKE BUTTER. BUTTER? YES, BUTTER. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT EXPRESSION? NO ONE KNOWS THAT EXPRESSION. I'D HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU ON THAT, MOSS. I LOVE THAT PIGEON EGG SET. I HAVE MOSS TO THANK FOR THAT. PERHAPS THE FUNNIEST SET I'VE EVER HAD. AND THAT--THAT LOVE STORY WITH MAY AND JERRY-- HUGE DIFFERENCE. AND YOU ARE SUCH AN AMAZING ACTOR, MR. KAUFMAN. WELL. AND THE THIRD ACT? HMM. THE THIRD ACT WAS A LITTLE DISAPPOINTING. YES, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT. WHY? WELL, AFTER THAT FANTASTIC SET-PIECE, MAYBE EVERYTHING THAT FOLLOWED WAS A BIT OF A LETDOWN. AHA! YOU'RE DYING FOR A PAYOFF. WELL, MR. GORDON WOULD LIKE A PAY-OFF. REASONABLE EXPECTATION. IS--IS THERE SOME RULE THAT SAYS THERE IT HAS TO BE 3 ACTS? DORE, NO ONE'S EVER GONNA DO A PLAY WITH JUST TWO ACTS. MOST ENLIGHTENING. WELL, I--I APPRECIATE YOUR CANDOR, GENTLEMEN, AS DOES MR. HART, I'M SURE. WELL, WE'RE GOING ACROSS THE STREET TO GET A BITE IF YOU CARE TO JOIN US. WE HAVE TO HAVE A MEETING WITH SAM HARRIS. PLEASURE TO HAVE MET YOU. MR. KAUFMAN, I JUST WANT TO SAY WHAT AN HONOR IT-- THANK YOU SO MUCH, SIR. CONGRATULATIONS, MOSS. WHAT A PLEASURE. I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THIS SECOND SCENE WOULD HAVE PLAYED BETTER TONIGHT. AH. WE'VE BEEN CHANGING THE THIRD ACT BUT NOT REALLY IMPROVING IT. THE ACTORS ARE JUST NOT TRUSTING THE NEW MATERIAL. WE MUSTN'T BLAME THE ACTORS. I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE, MOSS. IF WE DON'T GIVE THEM 4 NIGHTS IN A ROW TO PLAY THE SAME SCRIPT, WE WON'T STAND A CHANCE IN NEW YORK. I THINK IT'S TIME TO FREEZE THE SHOW. THAT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU? WHAT ARE OUR CHANCES WITH THIS LAST ACT? I HAVE TO BE HONEST. COMEDIES USUALLY HAVE TO BE 95% AIRTIGHT. MAYBE 90. 85 IF YOU'RE REALLY LUCKY. AND US? WE'RE A LITTLE OVER THE 70 MARK I'D SAY. EVERY PLAY HAS ITS FAULTS, BUT FEW SURVIVE WITHOUT A GOOD THIRD ACT. ONCE YOU LEAVE ACTORS ALONE TO DO THEIR WORK, THEY OFTEN CAN ELEVATE THE MOST PROBLEMATIC WRITING. IT'S TIME TO TURN THE PLAY OVER TO THEM. WE'VE DONE OUR BEST.

SAM

I DON'T WANT TO EAT AT THE HOTEL AGAIN. THERE'S A STEAK HOUSE RIGHT DOWN-- MOSS, THERE YOU ARE. I'M SO GLAD I CAME BACK DOWN HERE. YOU'VE MADE GREAT PROGRESS. THANK YOU. WHO'S HUNGRY? MOSS IS ALWAYS HUNGRY. SAM, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I WON'T BE JOINING YOU FOR SUPPER TONIGHT, YEAH? WELL, NO, NO. OF COURSE NOT. YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED. LET'S ALL HAVE BREAKFAST AT THE HOTEL BEFORE REHEARSAL. ALL RIGHT. WONDERFUL. GOOD NIGHT, GEORGE. GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT. EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? NO. MR. KAUFMAN HAS DECIDED TO FREEZE THE SHOW. AH. WELL, IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME. OH, THAT LAST ACT IS A BASTARD. EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE, MISS FISHBEIN. SAM, IT'S FRIGGING FRIEDA. OH, I'M TELLING YOU, I HAVE SAT THROUGH SOME TOUGH SHOWS, BUT THIS--THIS ONE HAS BEEN A DOOZY. YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF YOURSELF, MOSS. YOU KNOW, AS I WATCHED TONIGHT, MOSS, I KEPT THINKING, THIS HAS GOT TO BE ONE OF THE NOISIEST PLAYS I HAVE EVER PRODUCED. REALLY? IT DOESN'T SEEM NOISIER THAN ANY OTHER. OH, YES, IT IS, KID. EXCEPT FOR THOSE, WHAT, TWO MINUTES AT THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRST ACT, THERE ISN'T ANOTHER SPOT IN THE WHOLE PLAY WHERE--WHERE TWO PEOPLE JUST SIT DOWN AND TALK QUIETLY TO EACH OTHER. THAT'S AN INTERESTING POINT, SAM. THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN BY NOISY? ALL RIGHT. MAYBE NOISY IS THE WRONG WORD. IT--IT'S A TIRING PLAY FOR THE AUDIENCE TO SIT THROUGH. THAT DAMN STAGE IS SO FULL OF ACTORS AND SCENERY AND COSTUMES, THEY GET A CHANCE TO CATCH THEIR BREATH AND--AND--AND LISTEN TO THE PLAY. THANK YOU, MR. HARRIS. WHERE YOU GOING, MOSS? WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID? IT WAS. PLEASE EXCUSE ME. GOT TO SPEAK WITH GEORGE. WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE DINING ALONE TONIGHT, FRIEDA. OH, SAM, THAT KID LOOKS 10 YEARS OLDER THAN WHEN HE STARTED WITH THIS PRODUCTION. HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF THEM.

GROANS

SAM

LET'S SKIP DINNER. WHY DON'T YOU JOIN ME IN A LIVELY SPEAKEASY I KNOW OVER ON CHESTNUT STREET? IT'S THE BEST IN TOWN. NOW, FRIEDA, HOW DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW WHERE THE BEST JUICE JOINT IS IN PHILADELPHIA? SAM, THERE'S ONLY TWO THINGS TO DO IN PHILLY-- SEE THE LIBERTY BELL OR GET DRUNK, AND I'VE NEVER BEEN A HISTORY BUFF. LET'S GO. HA HA HA! I SEE SAM'S POINT. NOW DON'T SHOOT ME FOR THIS, BUT WHAT IF WE SCRAP THE PIGEON EGG SET? WHAT?! MOSS, THAT WAS YOUR IDEA. NOW THAT--THAT SCENERY COST THE COMPANY AN EXTRA $20,000, AND IT GETS A HUGE HAND. BUT NO ONE WILL KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSING. WE NEED TO MOVE THE LAST SCENE TO THE TOP OF THE ACT. WHAT? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? IT'S NOT A STRONG ENOUGH ENDING, GEORGE. WE NEED TO BRING BACK LAWRENCE VAIL INTO THIS PLAY? THE AUDIENCE LOVES THAT CHARACTER AND YOU. BRING HIM BACK FOR A QUIET SCENE ON THE TRAIN WITH MAY. WHY HAVEN'T WE BEEN PLAYING TO OUR STRENGTHS TO CLOSE OUT THIS STORY? THEN HOW DO YOU PROPOSE WE END THE PLAY? MAY GETS OFF THE TRAIN, SHE GOES BACK TO CALIFORNIA, SHE RETURNS TO JERRY AND GEORGE. MAY AND JERRY FINALLY GET TOGETHER, AND DUMB, HAPLESS GEORGE, ONCE AGAIN ON THE BRINK OF DISASTER, TURNS OUT TO BE THE SMARTEST GUY IN HOLLYWOOD. TADA! WE END ON OUR HAPPY TRIO. OH, IT'S VERY RISKY. MY GUT TELLS ME IT'S TOO BIG A CHANGE TO MAKE WITH ONLY 4 DAYS LEFT. THE ACTORS WOULD HAVE AN INSURRECTION. WHO GIVES A DAMN? SINCE WHEN DID YOU GET SO CONFIDENT? SINCE YOU TOLD ME WE WERE A LITTLE OVER THE 70% MARK. OH. YOU HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT TO SAY "YES" TO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PLAY AS I HAVE TO SAY "NO." START WRITING. MAYBE I'LL BE ABLE TO SEE WHAT YOU SEE. THANK YOU. BUT--BUT IF WE GO FORWARD WITH THIS AND IT DOESN'T WORK, THERE IS NO WAY TO GO BACK, RIGHT? IF IT DOESN'T WORK, MOSS, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? WHAT? I HAVE TO SUE YOU. THERE'S FUDGE ON THE TABLE IF YOU WANT.

TYPING

SAM

YOU READY TO HAVE YOUR BERTH MADE UP, MA'AM? NO, THANKS. I BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU MISS DANIELS-- HOW'S COME THEM OTHER TWO GENTLEMEN AIN'T GOING BACK TO NEW YORK WITH YOU? WELL, THAT'S A LONG STORY.

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

SAM

YES, MA'AM. BUT I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF AT LEAST ONE OF THEM WAS WITH YOU PRETTY SOON.

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

SAM

WE MAKES A TWO-MINUTE STOP HERE. ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT? NO, THANKS. WHERE ARE WE? NEEDLE'S POINT. THAT'S WHERE THEY GOT THE SANITARIUM. JUST A GENTLEMAN, UH, FROM THE SANITARIUM. WHY, MR. VAIL! WHY, MISS DANIELS. SO YOU'RE THE GENTLEMAN FROM THE SANITARIUM? THAT'S RIGHT. THIS IS A SURPRISE! WELL, YOU'RE CERTAINLY THE LAST PERSON I-- OH, I HADN'T HEARD YOU WERE ILL. NOTHING SERIOUS, I HOPE? OH, NO. NO, NO, NO. JUST A--JUST A KIND OF BREAKDOWN. YEAH. HEARD ABOUT THIS SANITARIUM HERE. FELLOW NAMED JENKINS RUNS IT. PLAYWRIGHT. SEEMS HE CAME OUT TO HOLLYWOOD UNDER CONTRACT AND WENT MAD IN THE EIGHTH MONTH, SO HE STARTED THIS PLACE. DOESN'T TAKE ANYONE BUT PLAYWRIGHTS. GOOD, IS IT? OH, WONDERFUL. FIRST 3 DAYS, THEY PUT YOU IN A BIG ART GALLERY, LIFE-SIZED PORTRAITS OF ALL THE STUDIO EXECUTIVES. YOU SIT THERE AND SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ANY PICTURE. MARVELOUS. NOW WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT? GOING HOME ON A VISIT? WELL...GOING HOME. AH. ALL WASHED UP? SCRUBBED. THE VITAL SCENES OF A PLAY ARE PLAYED AS MUCH BY THE AUDIENCE AS THEY ARE THE ACTORS. JUST AS ONE CAN SENSE AN AUDIENCE HAS BEEN LOST, ONE CAN ALSO TELL WHEN ONE HAS BEEN CAPTURED. AND WITH THE STAGE QUIET FOR ONCE, WE CREATED THE EXACT SENSE OF DRAMA AND CLIMAX WE'D BEEN TRYING OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO ACHIEVE.

APPLAUSE

SAM

AND WITH THE TRAIN SCENE PLAYING FLAWLESSLY, EVERYTHING THAT FOLLOWED SUDDENLY WORKED, TOO. NOW I WANTED THE NEW YORK OPENING OVER AND DONE WITH. FOR ONCE--HEH-- SUCCESS OR FAILURE WASN'T ALL THAT MATTERED. I OF COURSE DIDN'T REALIZE IT AT THE TIME, BUT THIS WAS THE MOMENT WHEN I WASN'T JUST WRITING FOR MONEY OR FOR MY FAMILY OR FRIENDS OR FOR SOME KIND OF PUBLIC VALIDATION. I WAS WRITING TO PROVE SOMETHING TO MYSELF. WHEN WE GOT TO NEW YORK, THE USUAL NERVES SET IN WITH THE COMPANY. AND I DID MY BEST TO KEEP MY DISTANCE FROM THE PROCEEDINGS. OUR LEADING LADY BROKE OUT IN HIVES, AND OUR LEADING MAN SUDDENLY COULD NOT REMEMBER A LINE. SAM AND MAX TOOK ME UNDER THEIR WING, PLYING ME WITH DRINKS AND REGALING ME WITH THEIR THEATER WAR STORIES. PEOPLE IN THE THEATER LOVE THEIR WAR STORIES. AND AFTER A WHILE, I REALIZED THEY WERE MORE NERVOUS THAN I WAS. THE NIGHT BEFORE OPENING, A DRUNKEN SAM SLIPPED A HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILL IN MY HAND AND TOLD ME TO GO STAY AT THE ASTOR HOTEL, AND I DID. THE ROOM HAD A VIEW OF THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE AND ITS MARQUEE, MY NAME RIGHT THERE ALONGSIDE GEORGE S. KAUFMAN. I STOOD AT THAT WINDOW AND STARED AT IT ENDLESSLY. THERE ARE CERTAIN DAYS WHEN EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH, EVERY IDEA THAT COMES TO MIND IS COMPLETELY RIGHT. ONE CAN SEEMINGLY DO NO WRONG. THEY ARE BALANCED BY THOSE YEARS WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE TO DO ANYTHING EXCEPT TO DO IT BADLY. I DID NOT KNOW THIS THEN. OPENING NIGHT, I TOOK MY USUAL SPOT AT THE BACK OF THE THEATER. A STAGE MANAGER HAD SHOVED A FISTFUL OF TELEGRAMS IN MY POCKET, WHICH I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT. MAZEL TOV. YOU DO THE BRONX PROUD. LOVE, ESTELLE ROSENBLOOM. YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MOUSE TO ME. CONGRATULATIONS ON MAKING IT TO BROADWAY. HAVE THE SECOND-CLASS TOURING RIGHTS BEEN ASSIGNED YET? AUGUSTUS PITOU. BREAK A LEG. THE CONFEDERATION OF OFFICE BOYS COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD OF YOU. IRVING. EDDIE. DORE. OHH, HIP HIP. I'M NOT SURPRISED YOU MADE IT TO THE GREAT WHITE WAY. CONGRATULATIONS. ROSALYN GOLDFINE HIMMELMAN. YOUR FANNY BRICE AT THE FLAGLER HOTEL. MAY THE LUCK OF THE IRISH SHINE ON YOU TONIGHT. YOUR BELOVED BANDIT, JOSEPH REGAN. WISHING YOU A FANTABULOUS OPENING NIGHT. MRS. HENRY B. HARRIS. EVERYONE AT THE CLARA HIRSCH HOME SENDS REGARDS. YOUR AUNT KATE WOULD BE VERY PROUD.

BEATRICE

THERE YOU ARE, MR. HART. GEORGE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU HE WOULD NOT BE BACK HERE TONIGHT. IT'S OUT OF HIS AND YOUR HANDS. PACING WON'T DO ANY GOOD. THANK YOU. MAY I GIVE YOU A KISS, MOSS? MAYBE I LOST FAITH. MAYBE THAT CONTRIBUTED TO GEORGE LOSING HIS. OH, SEEMS A BIT UNIMPORTANT NOW! NOT TO ME. GEORGE IS VERY PROUD OF THIS SHOW. HOW DO YOU FEEL, MOSS? HEH. OVERWHELMED. RELISH IT. I WATCHED THE SHOW THAT NIGHT. MORE LIKE I STARED AT IT. I THINK I WAS I WAS TRYING TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO IT AND NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO ONCE THIS EVENING WAS OVER. I WOKE UP JUST AS THE FINAL BOWS BEGAN.

APPLAUSE

BEATRICE

THEY SEEMED TO GO ON AND ON. SUDDENLY, GEORGE KAUFMAN STEPPED FORWARD. I COULD HARDLY BELIEVE MY EYES. HE DETESTED CURTAIN SPEECHES.

LOUD APPLAUSE

BEATRICE

I WOULD LIKE THIS AUDIENCE TO KNOW THAT 80% PERCENT OF THIS PLAY IS MOSS HART.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BEATRICE

IT WOULDN'T TAKE ME LONG TO LEARN THAT THE THEATER IS SELDOM THIS WELCOMING OR GENEROUS.

THUNDER

RAIN FALLING

BEATRICE

OH, GOOD, YOU'RE UP. WHO COULD SLEEP AFTER LAST NIGHT? ESTELLE'S ALREADY SHOWN US MORE REVIEWS. ALL GOOD! WE'RE MOVING TO MANHATTAN TODAY! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'VE GOT A CAB DOWNSTAIRS WAITING. WHAT--WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A CAB DOWNSTAIRS? I--I TOOK A CAB. THE METER IS RUNNING. ARE YOU CRAZY? THAT'S GOING TO COST A FORTUNE. QUICK, THEN! GET YOUR COATS ON! I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHERE ARE WE GOING? TO A HOTEL UNTIL WE FIND AN APARTMENT FOR YOU AND FURNISH IT. FOR US? FOR YOU. I'M GETTING AN APARTMENT OF MY OWN! YOU CAN AFFORD THIS? THE PLAY IS GONNA BE A HIT. GET GOING! YOU DON'T HAVE TO RAISE YOUR VOICE! I'LL PACK! NO, NO, NO. THERE'S NOTHING TO PACK! WE'RE GONNA JUST WALK OUT THE DOOR. WE DON'T TAKE A TOOTHBRUSH. WE ARE STARTING OVER. WE'RE STARTING FRESH. WE JUST PAID TWO MONTHS' RENT! I GOT BORDERS COMING TOMORROW. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. FORGET THE RENT! IT DOESN'T MATTER. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? IT DOESN'T MATTER! I'M NOT GOING WITHOUT THE PICTURES. WHAT PICTURES? YOU AND BERNIE AS BABIES, MY FATHER'S PICTURE, AND YOUR LETTERS. MOSS, I'VE GOT A BIG BOX OF EVERYTHING IN THE CLOSET. ONE SUITCASE! THAT'S IT. HURRY! AAH! HA HA! COME ON, BARNIE. WE'RE GOING TO MANHATTAN! THIS MAKES NO SENSE. DON'T YOU HAVE TO GIVE SOME OF THE MONEY TO MR. KAUFMAN? HALF, BUT THE BOX OFFICE TREASURER SAID MY SPLIT SHOULD BE $1,000 A WEEK! WOW! THAT'LL BUY A LOT OF TOOTHBRUSHES. HA HA HA! HERE. I WAS JUST PUTTING SOME LAST THINGS IN IT. WHAT'S THIS? I MADE YOU A SCRAPBOOK OF EVERYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH "ONCE IN A LIFETIME." I'VE BEEN DOING IT SINCE YOU WENT TO ATLANTIC CITY. THANKS, KID. YOU... YOU EVEN PUT IN THE BAD REVIEWS! I LIKE THAT, BERNIE! COME ON. MOM, DAD, COME ON! I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A PLAY. I HOPE MRS. ROSENBLOOM SEES US LEAVING IN A CAB. I'M READY. I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE. AS IT TURNS OUT, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO TAKE.

MOSS

GO INTO THE CAB. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

THUNDER

MOSS

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU CAN AFFORD THIS? POP, THERE'S ALREADY A LINE AROUND THE MUSIC BOX. THE TREASURER SAYS IT WILL SHOULD FOR A YEAR, MAYBE MORE. THEY SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME OF THE THEATER TO THE MONEY BOX.

ALL LAUGHING

MOSS

HERE. WHAT? NOT A BAD CURTAIN FOR A FIRST ACT.

APPLAUSE

PIANO PLAYING

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LOUDER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MOSS

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