Healing a Soldier's Heart

[Playing march] [Cheering and applause] [Whistling and cheering] [Playing rhythmic beat] [Applause continues] ["The Caisson Song" (U.S.

Army Song) playing] [Indistinct] [Song continues] Man: Some of us came back alive.

Some of us came back dead.

Some of us came back for a little of each, and that would be me.

I had death in me.

I had death in me, and I still have death in me.

[Drums beating rhythmically] [Applause continues] Man: I squat in this corner and I'm shaking like a leaf and my teeth are chattering, and I'm praying that "I don't want to die.

Please, God, I don't want to die."

[Drums continue rhythmically] [Bagpipes playing] Man: Dirty little secrets we just never talked about.

We just knew what we had to do.

Kill them before they kill you.

[Rapid gunfire] Kill anything that moves.

[Bagpipes continue] Man: It's almost like I'm just longing for the hell to be over.

I'm longing for--for the peace of death, I guess, or something or of nonexistence because a deep part of myself lost hope, I guess, lost a sense of hope.

[Band playing "The National Anthem"] Man: We know from the study of warrior traditions and war throughout history, all times and places, that the wound we call post-traumatic stress disorder today, in fact, accompanies war.

[Fife and drums playing] This wound we call PTSD has had over 80 names throughout history.

PTSD was called Soldier's Heart during the American Civil War.

Shellshock is the name from World War I. Then World War II comes along, and we call it combat fatigue.

During the Vietnam War, we were in a horrible quandary of having a condition causing severe breakdown in thousands and thousands of troops, but not having a name for it.

[Band continues playing] [Lawnmower engine] I did not want to go to Vietnam at all.

I didn't believe in the war.

I didn't believe in killing.

I was just in turmoil.

I actually got my draft notice early in '68.

So, I packed my bags and I said, "I'm going to Canada."

As I was walking out the door, my mother said to me, "If you go out that door and you go to Canada, you're never welcome in this house again."

And I recognize now, when I look back on that time, is something within me was longing for an experience.

In a way, that was part of the decision to go.

And...next stop, Vietnam.

[Helicopter blades whirring] When I got there, within hours, literally, of heading out to my platoon, I was in a firefight.

[Rapid explosions, gunfire] But it was a series of really quick explosions.

And then there was a--a lull, and I heard some guy screaming for a medic.

It's just-- it's just pandemonium.

And it was like the longest night of my life.

And then when the sun came up that morning, I remember being struck with how beautiful the country was.

In the midst of all that, I--I was still able to... [Inhales] "Wow, it's...you know, there's life after this long, dark night."

And when I was kind of experiencing that, in the meantime, the chopper had landed to take away the dead and wounded.

And just as I looked over, they were hoisting one of the bodies on a stretcher, and--and the guy's leg fell off the stretcher.

And the two were so incongruent, that something in my soul could not integrate the experience.

It just became too drastic, too radical to split.

Woman: I feel like as he's gotten older, his ability to hold in everything he's been holding in for so long, it's not quite so easy anymore.

Some nights, you know, like, I'll be laying there and he'll wake me up...talking.

It's usually with him in the jungle, telling whoever's with him to be quiet because "They're out there, they see us."

And it's a little scary because he's just so thick in whatever this experience is that he's reliving.

Michael: For years, I felt guilty and I felt dirty.

I felt like I participated in something that was against my moral standards.

I lost trust in humans, in humanity.

Man: When I was 16, the Civil Rights movement was alive and well, and there was a lot going on.

I respected Dr.

Martin Luther King.

I also respected Muhammad Ali.

It came down to where I wanted, at the age of 17, to go into the Marine Corps.

I had mixed emotions, you know, but I honestly thought that I was doing the right thing.

[Organ playing] Clergyman: Bless us, open our hearts and minds, that we might receive your Holy Spirit, where the praises go up, the blessings come down.

Thou shalt not be afraid of the terror by night, nor the arrows that fly by day, nor for the... Woman: He's always been disconnected, and, um, I try very hard.

[Congregation singing] We have known each other for years.

I know that he loves me, but it's not always there, you know.

It's not always...visible.

Congregation: I once was lost But now... Naimah: There's certain things and certain times where he just needs peace and quiet, and he just needs to be alone.

And it's not a good thing, you know, when you're in a relation-- [Crying] I can't do this.

Congregation: But now I see Man: ...we're taking a little fire back here [indistinct].

[Helicopter blades whirring] Man: Stand back.

Man: I joined the Marines because I was a punk.

I was a badass.

No better way to prove it to yourself than go in the Marine Corps.

[Helicopter blades whirring] A neighbor had just been killed in Vietnam, too, so that had an effect on me.

I said, "I'm going to go kick ass."

[Helicopter blades whirring] We got to Vietnam, and as soon as we hit the ground, we were in the air.

[Gunfire] I didn't have any feelings.

It was like a blur.

We were high all the time.

Robert.

Kid from Brooklyn.

Black guy.

We both went to Middleton Flight School.

We had a room together.

Salt and pepper.

We became really close, and he had my back, I had his back.

[Helicopter blades whirring] Used to make crazy bets... how many water buffalo we can get.

[Machine gun fire] You ever hit one, they really-- they do splat quite a bit.

[Gunfire continues] [Helicopter whirring fades out] My ghost is... [Exhales] coming home alone.

That's my ghost.

Woman: ...of the north [indistinct] district veterans, member and past fire chief with the... Woman: I guess what I'd hope would happen for Bob would be that he would find some peace within himself, because it has taken up a large part of who he is.

His attention and love and concern is directed to the past and those people that have died in the past.

And I don't know specifically what happened when Robert died, but Bob was somehow connected with that.

Thank you all and God bless America.

[Water lapping shore] Man: My dad was a WW II veteran, a combat veteran himself.

I grew up with a little drawer full of Nazi paraphernalia that he captured in Germany.

When I graduated college, you know, I didn't want to work for Exxon or IBM.

I wanted to work for the infantry branch of the United States Army.

I wanted to command a rifle company as an Airborne Ranger Captain.

Vietnam was very convenient, and I was very grateful for the opportunity.

Woman: He was a company commander.

He was in the jungle for 6 months.

He trained personally the 100 men who were put under his command.

And they were in heavy battle, surrounded by many enemy soldiers.

[Gunfire] Terry: I thought about nothing but training my men so that I would bring every one of them back.

That was my purpose, and to preserve as much life on our side, and to take as much life on the other side as I possibly could.

[Gunfire] Anita: He knew that it was very painful and difficult for anyone to hear that he might have been a killer.

It wasn't till 9/11 occurred that there was potentially a lot of unresolved emotional issues within him.

He became unable to function and couldn't even drive across a bridge.

That was the beginning of the major unraveling for him to get help.

[Drums beating rhythmically] My name is Ed Hick.

I am a psychotherapist.

I've been working as a healer for veterans of the Vietnam War and all other wars since the late 1970s.

It is quite common that one event or action becomes the defining moment-- the worst trauma, the most horrendous experience of a person's life.

When we are talking about life in the war zone... we have an endless series of horrific events.

[Explosions, gunfire] Every survivor wants to go back to the scene of his crime.

When blood is spilled, the ground becomes sacred.

Each of them waited a lifetime to make a single pilgrimage back to that sacred site, where the most intense moments of their life happened, and where everything was rendered different, horrific, and sacred simultaneously.

[Horn honks] Edward: We are here together, in part, to allow the past to come back to us.

Stories of so much pain and loss as my brothers carry get buried in our own minds and hearts and souls, because the pain is so immense and because people at home don't want to hear it, can't go into the pain with us.

And one of the many reasons we come back is so that our stories can come back to us.

It's hard to experience the pain again, but that, too, is of utmost importance because when the pain comes back, our hearts come back.

Terry: I came here as a fanatical, patriotic, well-trained, well-disciplined combat leader.

You know, I was Airborne Ranger qualified.

I'd commanded a company in Germany, but I lost about half of the men in my command during November of '67.

I never imagined myself being the commander of a... heavily hurt unit.

[Gunfire] Man: Go right in.

Keep moving.

Move!

Move!

[Man continues indistinctly] [Woman speaking indistinctly] Terry: I was a nationalist.

I was a patriot.

I was not a spiritually weak man.

When I found myself spiritually awake, I found myself burdened with not only the responsibility of losing the men; more troubling to me was the lives of the enemy soldiers, the Vietnamese people who I took.

Anita: For him, this trip was to let go of that trained killer persona and self-forgiveness for him.

He had been working on it with psychotherapists prior to being admitted into a treatment program.

However, he really didn't know how he could ever fully be forgiven.

Terry: Of all the choices I made, I had real problems accepting I did this.

I--what?

How can I be... God.

[Sighs] Right.

Edward: Michael was a radio and telephone operator in the Central Highlands, and his wife is along on this journey.

While they seem to have a strong union, they've been married a long time, Michael has not told her his war stories.

They will identify with smoke.

OK, [indistinct], bring the map out.

Man, on radio: The type of injury is urgent-- shrapnel wounds.

Michael: So, my job was to coordinate all of the artillery and making sure that our artillery didn't fire on our own positions.

It's such a high-stress job.

I mean, it was just-- like, it was so-- it was just intense, it was intense.

Anything that happened, they'd call me, and I would be responsible for calling the right person or go running to the map and checking coordinates... Man, on radio: The area is insecure.

The area is insecure.

[Gunfire] ...shrapnel wars.

Man, on radio: Roger.

Can I have the honor... [Michael speaking indistinctly] Man: Yeah, yeah.

Just relax.

Mm-hmm.

[Exhales] Pshooo... [Sniffs, exhales] The artillery--every night they would come to me, and they would call in their position to me for me to clear it.

And, uh, every night it was like, "OK, OK, OK."

And one night I didn't clear it.

And about 15 minutes later, I got a call.

"We got incoming."

Feels like someone-- I could tell it was our explosion right when I called the artillery.

I quit the next day.

I just told the C.O.

I said, "I can't do this anymore."

Edward: You kept your brothers alive as long as you could function.

As long as I was able.

As long as you were able.

And when you were no longer able, you said, "I got to quit, or else somebody's gonna die who shouldn't."

Gonna die.

Right.

Right.

Thank you.

[Raindrops falling] Edward: Larry was a marine in Da Nang.

He, too, has post-traumatic stress disorder.

Blows your brains out.

Remember that?

Edward: Even more complicated for Larry is that he doesn't consider himself a combat veteran.

He was in a combat zone.

He was bombed, rocketed, and mortared, but he was not in direct hand-to-hand combat himself.

Larry: In terms of what I did, you know, I didn't pull the trigger, you know, like some brothers did.

I didn't do that.

[Horns beeping] What I do feel bad about-- and this is why one reason I like to go to Da Nang-- is that what we did going into the city and what have you, we would open up our car doors.

Now, all these mopeds you see around here, we didn't have it up in Da Nang.

OK.

It was tricycles or 3-wheelers.

Open up the car door, knock them off the bikes or kick 'em, you know, I mean, just do some things that was really mean, you know, and unnecessary.

You know what I'm saying?

Right.

And we looked at them as being the lower of low.

See, that's the dual part.

And again, I'm a person of color.

So, then, why am I treating them like that?

So, then you want to say, "Well, you know what, what did I really do this for?"

Man: We want you to focus... [Indistinct] Did you see that... Debra: This trip will either make or break Bob and I and a marriage.

We know he loves us and cares for us, but he's not emotionally available to us, but he would be there for one of his brother or sister veterans.

but I think it's 'cause that's what he knows.

That's his comfort zone.

He doesn't know about intimate relationships aside from wartime intimate relationships.

[Voice breaking] He's not a bad guy.

He's a really good guy.

He's just not always--he's-- he's not available in the way that it'd be nice to have somebody available.

Bob: I got a few ghosts to put to bed.

I got to put 3 ghosts today.

[Water lapping] Edward: War takes our big, beautiful world and blows it up into a jigsaw puzzle of a million fragmented pieces.

And our work here, one story at a time, one veteran at a time, one renewed relationship at a time, is taking all those broken pieces and fitting our fragmented world back together till we can find our place in it and ourselves as we're doing so.

[Insects chirping] [Bagpipes playing] Our air war was vicious and brutal and horribly traumatizing to the Vietnamese people.

[Bagpipes continue playing] [Explosions] We dropped more than 8 billion pounds of bombs on Vietnam during the war.

That is more than 4 times the tonnage of bombs we dropped in all of World War II everywhere in the planet we were in conflict.

That is equal to 600 Hiroshima-sized bombs.

Larry: Look at this [indistinct].

Edward: When we go to Vietnam, we take American veterans back to places they may have harmed during our bombing raids.

[Man speaking Vietnamese language] Translator: This photo was taken in 1974.

[Man speaking Vietnamese language] Translator: This is him when he prepare to go to the south in 1973.

So '72, he was still a student in this village, and he saw the bombing and 170 people got killed in the village.

[Man speaking Vietnamese language] Translator: Early in the morning, the bomb comes and drops to this building.

[Plane whooshing] And it was the very, very terrible experience that he ever, ever known in his life.

And the house collapse, and he was under this bed with his sister, and they survive the bomb.

In the--in the village, there were so many people got killed, and even the fish in the rice field were killed.

After the bombing, it took them several days to collect the body of the dead people, and it was the hard job for them, because sometimes they could not know who was there-- is it a man or woman, or even if it's a man or a water buffalo.

[Man continues in Vietnamese language] Translator: He could not eat meat for several months after that.

Man: Mmm.

Translator: He couldn't eat.

Bob: Would you tell him that in December 1972, at that time, I was on the island of Guam, and I was in charge of those bombers, the B-52s?

Translator: Yeah.

[Speaking Vietnamese language] I just want to tell him I'm sorry.

Translator: Yeah.

[Speaking Vietnamese language] Bob: I'm sorry.

Hearing his story... [Man speaking Vietnamese language] Translator: He said, "Don't worry, Bob," because, he know, not all the Americans coming and fighting in Vietnam were the aggressors.

They just did their duty because they were ordered to come and do their duty.

He only blame the policy maker, but not the individual American soldiers, so don't--don't feel bad about that.

Cam o'n.

Cam o'n.

Cam o'n.

Thank you, man.

Yes, ma'am.

Take this.

Edward: Every year when we come to Vietnam, we have all of our travelers bring clothing, school supplies, first-aid items, health items, and toys.

And our philosophy is that we, who were responsible for having hurt and destroyed and taken life, are responsible for giving back.

Woman: It could be adults.

There's adults that will probably--OK.

Edward: We've got a compassion house.

There's only one 5-year-old boy there, so just a little bit of school supplies.

The Delta School services 5 villages, about 30 or 40 children, so they need a lot of supplies.

Man: We got Mike.

Cool!

All right!

[Dog barking] Oh, look at this!

Man: Ehh ehh ehh ehh!

[Children talking loudly] Woman: Thank you.

Michael: Thank you!

That's for you.

[Man speaking Vietnamese language] Translator: In this family, we take care of 30 children.

Man: Yeah.

Translator: The 30 childrens here are from 6 years old to 18 years old.

[Guitar playing] [Singing in Vietnamese language] Buddha.

Happy buddha.

[People talking, man continues singing] Bob: You put your finger there, and let me put my finger here--New York.

Wow!

Whoa!

Whoa!

[Man continues singing] No.

It's in... Bob: I saw the children.

I saw the beauty.

I saw my grandchildren.

[Speaking Vietnamese language] I had none of those feelings when I was here before.

I didn't see them as children.

I just saw Charlie, baby Charlie.

Edward: PTSD is, in part, proof of a soldier's humanity.

They cannot pass through this experience without becoming profoundly troubled by combat.

The more destruction one practices and the more morally questionable, the more severe the PTSD.

[Singing continues] In fact, moral trauma is at the center of PTSD, and troops who return to us, or families of survivors are torn to shreds by the question of whether or not their sacrifice and the killing and destroying they did is justifiable.

[Chirping loudly] [Metal clanging] Man: I do the translate well.

[Laughter] Man: You want me to say it?

Maybe... Translator: Mr.

Tiger is the former VC, but he is not like any other VC.

He fought in 3 different wars.

He fought the Japanese in '41 and he fought the French in '45 and he fought the American in '65.

OK, that's his life.

Bob: That's his life.

Yeah.

Boom boom boom boom boom!

Boom boom boom boom.

Larry: How old is Mr.

Tiger?

[Translator speaking Vietnamese language] Yeah, 87.

Translator: 87.

Larry: God bless you.

Michael: So, '41 until '75.

Yeah, yeah.

Michael: 34 years at war.

Tiger: Yeah.

Edward: What would he say to an American veteran who still feels so bad about what he did that even though he was doing his duty, he did harmful and painful things and still cannot forgive himself?

[Tiger speaking Vietnamese language] Translator: ...no wounds for the soldiers in Vietnam.

They fought only to protect their country, and that's why they have no problems after the war.

And he said, "You suffer a lot of psychological problems "after the war because you fought in another country.

It's not to protect your country."

Woman: Yeah.

Man: Yes.

Translator: And he say that in the future, if any enemies come and invaded the United States, you have to send your sons to the battlefield to fight for your country.

But if they want your-- your son or your husband to go in other countries, don't let them go.

Bob: Yes, yes.

Larry: Oh, wow.

Yo!

All: Ohh!

[Cups clink] How do you say... De hoa binh!

[Men repeating "De hoa binh"] All: Yo!

[Laughter] Man: Your bald head-- Man: I stick my head-- [Horn honking] Traffic jam at [indistinct].

[Horn continues honking] [Cattle lowing] Edward: The Montagnards are indigenous peoples of Vietnam.

Me.

Young boy.

Mikey.

Edward: Michael told them and told us that during his time in the combat zone, the Montagnards were the only people who represented a loving and caring human community to him.

[Laughing] [Music playing] [People talking indistinctly] Chief.

I'm very honored to return here again and feel the love of your people.

This is a buffalo tooth necklace.

People: Ohh!

And just as your water buffalo is a symbol to you, the American buffalo is a symbol of strength, courage, and especially gentleness.

And if you would be so kind as to accept this from me... [Cheering] Man: Put things on... Man: Thank you for everything else.

Michael: So... thank you.

[Speaking Montagnard language] [Repeating phrase] [Men repeating phrase] Michael: The experience last night was...unworldly.

It was out of this world.

It was in some other realm.

And then listening to these children this morning opened my heart up.

And Valerie says, you know, "I feel like I'm in the soul of this country."

And yeah, I feel like I'm in my own soul... a soul that's being healed by this country.

The Marine Corps installation up here, that's where I was at Da Nang!

[Splashing] Woman: Larry?

Larry: Yes.

Where we going to?

I'm going as far as I can.

Before?

Yeah, I'm--yeah.

You have something?

Yeah, because if you go all the way down, right, you're gonna be in the valley.

Man: You may be in between both towns, Larry, right?

Larry: Right.

Larry's carrying for a lot of brothers.

He's going to the end of the road, and we're walking with him.

If that's what it takes, we'll walk forever.

[Footsteps crunching] Larry: This is good.

Yeah, this is good.

Larry: You see that mountain right there?

Do you know where that mountain is at?

The mountain we see here.

Is this the mountain right here?

There was a lot going on sometimes up on the mountain.

At nighttime, sometimes, right, you can see the tripflares going off and you can hear, right, small arm fire.

Oh, I see.

OK, and then early in the mornings, right, you would go up in the mornings and what have you, right.

What you would see around the concertina wire are blobs of blood or maybe some flesh.

[Gunfire] That's what Hill 327 brings to me, those--those memories of some friends of mine.

[Sighs] [Helicopter blades whirring] Listen, I--I did some bad things, too, you know, to people.

I didn't kill anyone, but I did wound people by my behavior and things that I said and done... calling them "gooks."

Oh.

OK.

OK?

"Charlie."

That's not your name.

OK.

That's not his name.

You know, you are a human being, and I'm a human being, but I didn't act that way.

Mm-hmm.

So, then, from me to you, you know, and all the Vietnamese people, you know, I do humbly apologize for that.

So, I just wanted to share that, too.

Woman: OK.

Thank you.

OK.

Larry: This is gonna be in memory, right, of our homies, right, that I was over here with as well as Bob.

This is going to be dedicated to them.

Brother Jack, brother Bemore, brother Robert, brother Johnson... brother Washington.

And here's to you, bros.

God bless you all.

Hill 327.

That's where they were at.

Peace be unto you.

Bob: I feel if I went back to where we went down that maybe Robert would tell me not to go on with life.

[Helicopter blades whirring, explosions] We went straight down.

[Sniffs] And I... I...I guess they didn't think we had any survivors.

Couple of us was thrown through the door.

[Sniffs] I don't recall any of it.

The only thing I recall are my dreams, and I hope it's not true.

It's the same dream, and I just pray that's not what happened.

[Sniffs, crying] [Footsteps approaching] You like to do your dedication right here?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Do it, man.

[Bob sniffs, crying] I had no control over it... but we promised each other.

Mm-hmm.

That you guys would come home together.

Yeah.

[Sniffs] You know what I'm talking about.

I know what you're saying.

but you did leave that day with me because I think of you every day.

It's OK, Bob.

Let's go.

Every day I think of you.

[Sniffs] Every day you're in my heart.

I love you, man.

Here's to your brother, man.

To brother Robert.

It's OK, Bob.

[Sniffs] [Women singing] [Gong sounding] [Bell ringing] [Men and women singing] Edward: Buddhism provides great wisdom in the interpretation and potential relief of post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms, and we have found that it works.

[Singing and bell ringing continue] Larry: I never been to a pagoda, and I never prayed with a Vietnamese.

[Singing and bell ringing continue] We're reaching out to them and they're reaching out to us, so we're coming together.

So, it was different for me.

I never did it before when I was here.

[Bell dings] Terry: I had the thought in this prayer that all the time that we were blowing the place up, these humble Buddhists were praying this prayer all over this country.

What a contrast.

[Raining] [Singing continues] [Speaking Vietnamese language] Translator: We believe strongly in circle of life and the karma.

So, if you do anything in your life and you feel not good about that, you feel sorry about all that and if you want to redeem it, then you have to make prayer yourself from your heart.

Open your heart and love everyone.

[Gong sounds] Larry: These people are so beautiful.

Basically, their whole thing is, "What is there to forgive?"

You know, so you have to search your own heart and your own mind, you know, and find peace in that.

[Singing continues] [Wind rustling trees] [Man speaking Vietnamese language] Let's be together, man.

We're all together.

You guys are-- Marines, up front!

All right.

Men: Hohh!

OK.

Man: Xin chao.

Men: Xin chao.

Xin chao.

[Bob speaking indistinctly] Man: Yeah.

I walked some, but, you know what I mean?

[Men speaking indistinctly] You will become... [Cattle lowing] [Man speaking Vietnamese language] Translator: Uh, this is the man that, uh, we give the water buffalo to.

With your money, he bought one buffalo and one baby.

All: Ohh!

Translator: He say that water buffalo is a main power in the house that help me with my farming work.

We irrigate the rice field.

We get water in that and make the soil soft and muddy.

And they can rent the water buffalo to earn more money.

Hey, little guy.

Little girl.

You're growing.

Come here, little girl.

Come here, you.

Translator: And, um, 2-- 2 nights.

Right, little girl?

Bob: I'm looking at that water buffalo, and it just makes me think of what I used to do to those things.

I tested the guns on 'em every day, every chance I had.

And I actually--we had one crew who'd paint one on their ship every time they nailed one.

They had... I can't imagine how many they had on there.

[Snorting] [Man speaking Vietnamese language] Translator: We still have a lot... Bob: We had no idea what we were doing to these people when we did that.

[Man continues in Vietnamese language] OK.

Man: That's a lot.

[Dog barking, chickens clucking] Try.

Bob: I was here many years ago... [Sniffs] and I never looked around and saw.

I'm looking around now, and I'm sorry for my scars I left here.

[Sniffs] Edward: ...but now I'm found Men and women: Was blind but now I see [Bob sniffs] [Sighs] Bob, do you need anything?

Anything at all?

[Sniffs] Come here.

I need you.

Larry: There you go.

Yeah.

Larry: That's it right there, man.

Yeah.

[All humming "Amazing Grace"] That wasn't me that did that.

[Humming continues] Edward: And grace my fear relieved Terry: We tried to get convoys of resupplies up here via this road, but it was so important for them to ambush us before they got the supplies to the airstrip, which is here.

Woman: Right.

[Jingling] These are the dog tags that I wore when I was here in Vietnam in 1967, '68.

Yeah.

A missionary mercenary of the American people.

[Laughs sarcastically] Man: Mm-hmm.

No, I--I want a clean break.

Man: All right.

[Woman speaking indistinctly] Terry: Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Terry: Aaaahh!

Aaaahh!

Aaaahh!

Edward: You scream for your soul, and your soul screams back.

[Laughing] [Sighs] Ahh...ha ha ha ha.

[Crying] Oh, my Jesus.

[Sobbing] [Terry continues sobbing] [Terry coughing] [Inhales deeply, continues sobbing] [Sobbing continues] Oh, God!

[Coughing] Aaah!

Aaahhh!

Aaahh!

[Sobbing] I couldn't save 'em.

I couldn't save them all.

[Sobbing] Terry: I can wish for nothing more anymore.

I've done all I could, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's up to God now.

I just can't do any more.

Terry: I can't do any more.

Edward: Yeah.

[Exhales] [Terry sniffs, grunts] Yeah, I had-- I just had like, a little kid idea that I could bring them all back.

Woman: Oh, no.

Terry: Yeah.

Childish idea.

No, it was a wonderful idea.

It was.

It was a wonderful idea.

Man: It was very honorable.

[Laughs nervously] Very honorable.

I did bring... [Whispering] some back, I'll tell you.

Edward: Michael, both of you, say, "More came home because of me."

That's the truth, and that's the most you can ever do in war.

I want that truth.

Claim it.

Woman: Say it again.

Say it again.

More came home because of me.

More came home because of me.

I need to remember that.

I need to remember that.

Remind me of that.

So, look into my eyes.

Let's say it together really deeply.

Both: More came home because of me.

Ooh... Edward: Much better.

Do it again.

Terry, Michael, Edward: More came home because of me.

Terry and Michael: More came home because of me!

Terry, Michael, Edward: More came home because of me!

Terry and Michael: More came home because of me!

More came home because of me.

I know it.

And you came home.

You came home.

[Sobbing] You're the gift that came home.

So, I want to say good-bye to what was my...identity.

All: Mm-hmm.

These pathetic little pieces of metal, plastic.

Pathetic.

[Bugle playing "Taps"] Larry: Was an important trip for me to take.

It helped me out a lot.

It gave me a better understanding of myself.

In terms of reconciliation and the-- the healing part of that journey gave me that opportunity as well to make amends for things, right, that I did do over there that weren't, uh, weren't correct, the injustices where I did impose on others.

You know, the Bible speaks to that, too.

You know, the person that you offended, you should be able to go to that person and look that person in the eye and say, "I'm sorry."

And then that's on that person to either accept that.

And the Vietnamese people, right, they had no problem accepting it.

And for the monk that gave me the beads, that was a special moment in itself.

That was an act of kindness, a gift of giving, and that was redemption in itself.

Naimah: When he came back, I was surprised to hear we are gonna get married.

I've known him over 25 years.

He's never been married either.

He made a commitment.

Terry: So, redemption for me, in my tradition, it's the exchange of a voluntary sacrifice for a blessing that is given.

And the biggest change for me was in my relationship with Anita and my family.

There was a substitution of openness for the guardedness that I'd carried for many, many years.

And I had a lot of defenses, and they just dropped away.

[Water splashing] [Kids shouting] Bob: I did not want to go back to Vietnam.

I really--I really had no desire to go back there, trust me.

I mean, once was enough and... and I'm so glad I did.

[Leaves crunching] Valerie: I guess we're all gonna get wet feet.

Michael: Wow.

This is [indistinct].

Valerie: This is definitely... Michael: Earth.

It means the world to me, actually.

Without being able to feel my feet on the ground and connect and anchor myself into the Earth, it feels like I would fly off the planet sometimes.

So, I've spent a lot of time in, like in healing my-- all the energy of the trauma up here to bring my attention down into my feet.

That's why I like to go barefoot.

It helps me stay grounded, present.

[Insects chirping] Valerie: He's able to be emotional and be honest about, you know, what's really happening for him, which I don't think he did very easily prior to this, you know, this journey of returning to Vietnam.

Chorus: Amazing grace... Michael: And I'm, for the first time, I can say that I no longer am waiting for the bullet.

I really like to be alive.

Mmm!

That saved A wretch Like me I once was lost... [Man sobbing] Edward: The same suffering goes on consciously or unconsciously, but we have to make the suffering conscious in order to achieve healing.

Chorus: Was blind But now I see Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost But now I'm found Was blind, but now I see Chorus: Was blind But now I see