The Goes Wrong Show

[audience cheers and applauds] Good evening and welcome back to Play of the Week, where each week a new play is performed live in front of a studio audience and broadcast to the nation.

I am Chris Bean, the director.

Before we begin tonight's prison break play, one small notice.

In order to comply with the BBC's anti-knife crime policy, all knives in tonight's play have been replaced with spoons.

Also, we are delighted to have Robert's niece, Lucy Grove, joining us this evening.

Er...

Thank you.

I have a message here from Robert, he would like to apologize in advance for her subpar performance.

Well, that's just mean.

So, the actors are prepared, the stage is set.

Please enjoy this play, There is No Escape.

That's the title of the play, I'm not saying there's no escape from this studio, although the fire exits are locked.

[audience laughs] Enjoy.

[audience applauds] [Billy] Indiana, 76.

I'd found myself in the toughest jail in the Midwest.

My name is Billy Wheeler and I've been inside for six months.

Stuck staring at a locked door.

[audience laughs] Every day was full of uncertainty.

Folks went missing in this prison.

They were here one day and gone the next.

[audience laughs] The only thing I knew for sure was there was no way out.

[audience laughs] I'd spend the rest of my life behind these bars.

[audience laughs] To make matters worse, I got moved into a new cell and my cellmate seemed to have taken a disliking to me.

[audience laughs] So... How's it going?

Folks say you know a thing or two about this prison.

I said.

What's it to you?

[audience laughs] [Billy] He replied.

[tape rewinds] Stu Malone.

I'd heard that before.

What do they call you?

Stu Malone.

[Billy] I wondered what his name was.

[audience laughs] What are you in for?

I killed a guy.

Now I'm just a number.

[Billy] I said.

[audience laughs] [tape winds on] We looked up at the sky.

At last, we were free.

[audience laughs] Listen here, if you want to survive in here you better keep your head down.

Ow!

[audience laughs] So, what'd you do on the outside?

I... worked in federal construction.

This jail, it's one of mine.

So, if this place has any secrets you'd know about them, eh, buddy?

Yeah, I ain't nobody's buddy.

I'm not here to make friends.

[Billy] We shook hands.

I knew we were gonna be good friends.

[audience laughs] Everyone thinks there's a way out, there ain't.

Guilty men have got to do their time.

[Billy] And right then and there Stu Malone died in my arms.

-[audience laughs] -No!

[Billy] Dinner was delivered by Ol' Wallace.

He was an ex-boxer with a jaw you could break rocks off.

[audience laughs] Slops up, kids!

And I got something else for you too.

Lil Marty picked you up a message.

[Wallace fake whistles] [audience laughs] What do you got for us, Marty?

Your guy on the outside sent you this.

"Bird noise!"

[audience laughs] No, make the noise.

"Kaw!

Kaw!"

[Marty makes car noises] Vroom, vroom, vroom!

[audience laughs] Good job, Marty.

Here, have some seed.

What are you doing?

Script says, "pecks."

[audience laughs] How much?

-Two bucks.

-Buck!

Buck!

[audience laughs] Can I owe you?

Hm... Sure.

[audience laughs] Come on, Marty.

Fly!

[Marty makes car noises] [audience laughs] It's from Jones!

He says he's gonna help me.

Please, Stu, I need your help too, just get me as far as the fence.

I told you, there is no escape.

What if I could prove to you I was innocent?

If you can prove that why do you need me?

Cos the Warden's the biggest criminal in the whole pen.

My wife, Andrea, she was a journalist, she was trying to prove just that... [audience laughs] Trying to prove that... Stop it!

She was trying to prove just that before... [audience laughs] Well.

Without your help, I'm going to spend the rest of my life stuck behind these bars.

[audience laughs] Well, looks like you better get used to it.

Alright, boys, lights out!

[audience laughs] [audience laughs] Trust me, Stu.

I'm gonna find a way to convince you.

[audience laughs] Goodnight.

[audience laughs] Goodnight.

[Billy] Wallace sure loved his little bird, Marty.

But the real love of his life was his daughter Olivia.

[coin falls] [phone rings] [audience laughs] Not so fast... take your time.

Look at the phone, who could it be?

-[Wallace] It's me!

-Shut up.

[audience laughs] -Now.

-Hello?

-Louder.

-Hello!

-Softer.

-Hello?

Uh, fine.

-[audience laughs] -Hello?

Don't look at him, you're on the phone.

Sorry.

-Ask who's there.

-Who's there?

Not you.

You made the call.

-[audience laughs] -Who's there?

It's me, Olivia.

And it's your imprisoned father...

Emotions, emotions, emotions.

-Hi, daddy.

-[Robert] Come on, tears, Lucy.

[audience laughs] Hi, daddy.

[Robert] Think of the time I hit your dog with my car.

[audience laughs] Hi, daddy.

[Robert] Come on, Lucy, you cried all day then.

I couldn't shut you up.

[audience laughs] [Chris] Robert, are you directing?

Trying to.

They're pretty wooden, -I can't really get... -[Chris] I am the director.

Get out, come on!

Leave.

I just wish you could be here for my birthday next week.

So do I, sweetie.

Listen, I asked about that journalist you mentioned, Andrea Wheeler.

There's no record of any story she was writing about the prison.

It's strange, like all the files have just disappeared.

-[Robert] Oh, oh!

-[Chris] Quiet!

[Robert] Sorry, I forgot the journalist -was killed by the warden.

-[Chris] Shut up!

[Robert] Sorry, that's the twist!

[audience laughs] Damn it.

I got to go, my quarter's running out.

[Robert] Say your brother Timmy wants to speak to him.

Erm... Timmy wants to speak to you.

Waah, daddy!

Wah!

I'm a sad little boy.

Stop adding characters!

Fine I have to go.

Apparently, I don't exist.

I love you, Olivia.

I'm sorry to not be there with you.

-I love you too, daddy... -Woah!

Done.

Right.

Scene three!

[audience laughs] [Billy] The rec room was dangerous, some of the guys were real mean.

And the meanest of them all was Mick the Muscle.

[audience laughs] And his goon Rex.

I remember that day, I was minding my own business, just sipping on a soda.

[fakes soda noise] [audience laughs] When I saw how much trouble Old Slugger Wallace was in.

Hey, Mick, you hungry?

Yeah.

Hey, Wallace!

[glass shatters] [audience laughs] Yeah!

Hey, Wallace!

It's time for my double portions.

Oh, Mick, you know I can't do that no more.

They're gonna take away my yard time and then I can't find Marty no worms.

Well, that's too bad, because Mick the Muscle needs his protein!

Huh!

[audience laughs] [Mick groans] 50!

[audience laughs] Yeah, that's how we do it on D-Wing!

[Rex makes harmonica sounds] [harmonica voice] You said it, Mick.

[audience laughs] Hey, hey!

Come on now!

Give those back!

[harmonica voice, laughs] What you gonna do old man?

[audience laughs] Yeah, what are you gonna do?

[audience laughs] Hey!

Leave him alone.

What the hell are you doing?

We don't want any trouble.

Well, you got trouble.

[Mick laughs] Thanks for the soda.

[audience laughs] Just... leave the old man alone.

You're gonna regret... Is there a problem, gentlemen?

Warden, I...

I didn't see you there.

Ah... twist.

-[audience laughs] -That's not a twist.

We were just... talking.

Ain't that right, Wallace?

Er, yeah.

Yeah.

We were just having a nice little chit chat.

Well, is that so?

Mick, Mick, Mick, Mick, Mick... [audience laughs] My office, let's go.

Yes, boss.

Don't think this is over, Malone.

One day soon you, boys, are gonna get a taste of these!

[balloons pops] Huh!

Huh!

[audience laughs] [Rex makes harmonica sounds] [music] [Billy] Mick and the Warden were up to no good.

They headed to the office, where all the shady business went down.

[audience laughs] Relax, Mick.

You're not in trouble.

[audience laughs and applauds] [audience laughs] [audience laughs and applauds] Tell me something.

Do you trust me?

Sure.

I've always looked up to you.

Mick... you got a problem with Billy?

No, warden.

That's too bad, cause I do... [audience laughs] I got some... Argh!

[audience laughs] I've got something for you, Mick.

Take a look in this drawer.

[audience laughs] My file.

That's right.

27 conduct violations, but if this went missing, you'd be out on parole next month.

-Smell that fresh air, Mick!

-[audience laughs] How'd you like to be out there breathing it in?

What do you want?

Wheeler's appeal's coming up next week.

Argh!

[audience laughs] -So?

-New evidence has come to light.

But if they find him innocent, then they'll go looking for the real killer.

I can't have that, not if I want to work in... high office.

[audience laughs] I need Billy to disappear.

Like the others.

[Stu gasp] You hear something?

There's no one there.

[audience laughs] Let me get you a drink.

-Whisky?

-Sure.

[audience laughs] You alright?

You seem a little jumpy.

[audience laughs] I won't be if you make sure Billy misses his court date.

And while you're at it, take care of his friend Malone too.

Ha!

I'll drink to that.

[audience laughs] [Billy] Stu caught up to me in the hall, shaking in his boots.

Hi, Billy.

We got to get out of here, fast.

You finally believe I'm innocent?

I know you're innocent, kid, and I know unless we get out of here soon we'll be dead.

[Billy] And right then and there Stu Malone died in my arms.

No, not yet!

[audience laughs] You find us a getaway driver, I'll get us out of here.

[Billy] If we were gonna break out of prison, I knew exactly who to call.

[coin falls] Jones, it's me.

Everything's set for tonight.

Be ready outside the East Wall in the fastest car you've got.

I'm on my way.

[audience laughs] [Billy] Jones was a specialist.

He could bust out of anywhere.

There wasn't a prison in the world that could hold him.

Everything was falling into place.

That is until Stu headed down to the shower block, and made the mistake of letting his guard down.

[audience laughs] Ha, ha!

Well, well, well... What do we have here?

Mick, I was just leaving.

Not so fast.

What are you, afraid of something?

I'm not afraid of you.

You should be.

Oh, yeah, why's that?

You see these skulls?

[audience laughs] You see these... You see these skulls?

I got one for each guy I killed.

[in harmonica voice] Maybe you ought to treat us with a little more respect.

I'm not afraid of two goons, who ain't got one brain cell between them.

[audience laughs] [in harmonica voice] Come here and say that to my face, Malone!

[audience laughs] Ha!

[audience laughs] Ugh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

-Oh!

-[audience laughs] Come on, let's get out of here!

Stu!

You're gonna be okay, Stu.

Listen to me, Billy.

There's only one window in this place without bars or locks on it.

Where is it?

In the warden's office.

It'll get you out into the yard.

You can make it from there.

I'm gonna make them pay for this.

[Billy] Then he looked at me and said his last words.

No, Billy.

You got to be better than them, or no matter how far you run you'll never be... free.

[Billy] Then he looked at me and said his last words.

[audience laughs] Prison... Prison is... We're in prison.

[audience laughs] [Billy] After Stu was killed, the prison was gripped with tension.

The whole place was on a spoon edge.

[audience laughs] At meal time, Wallace came by to try and cheer me up.

I was sorry to hear about Stu.

No, no, no, no!

[audience laughs] Thanks, Wallace, but I'm not hungry.

Trust me... Trust me, you're gonna want to eat your dinner tonight.

I said, I'm not hungry.

There's a... there's a special ingredient.

[Billy] A key!

Wallace!

Where the hell did you get this?

Marty's good for more than just sending messages.

He lifted a key off McKenzie and my daughter made a copy in her shop.

[audience laughs] I got something for you.

[Wallace] Yeah?

Oh, chocolate.

For your daughter's birthday.

You're coming with me.

No.

No, no, no.

I don't want to slow you down.

I got arthritis in my knees, and my jaw comes off!

[audience laughs] Hide by the soda machines in the rec room at the end of your rounds.

I'll meet you there at midnight.

You're a good boy, Billy Wheeler.

Come on, Marty.

[Wallace whistles] [audience laughs] What the hell are you doing?

"Flies down."

[audience laughs] [Billy] I climbed out of the top bunk with the key in my hand.

I never felt so free.

[audience laughs] Alright, boys, lights out.

[audience laughs] Turn the lights out!

Lights!

Out!

[audience laughs] Fine.

[audience laughs] [Billy] At midnight I got out of bed and used the key to unlock my cell.

I was out.

I walked down the hall and took a right and headed over to the soda machines.

No, no, no, no, no!

We need those.

You... [audience laughs] Argh!

Wallace was waiting in the rec room, just like we planned.

But suddenly Officer McKenzie showed up.

Quick, behind the soda machine.

[audience laughs] It was a close call.

We ran out of the rec room, headed out of the corridor and made our way to the shower block.

[audience laughs] I'd stashed a pair of bolt cutters in the drain and a length of rope behind a loose tile.

[audience laughs] But suddenly there he was.

[Mick laughs] Going somewhere, Billy Wheeler?

Oh, and you're taking grandpa with you, ain't that sweet?

Well, I hate to break it to you, Billy, but you just got the death penalty.

Ha!

Stabbed in the back!

[audience laughs] Rex!

[harmonica voice] If you're busting out, I'm coming with you!

I ain't going nowhere with this low life.

[Billy] We shook hands, I knew we were gonna be good friends.

[audience laughs] Like hell you're coming with us!

You know what the last thing Stu said to me before he died was?

He said, "Prison... Prison is... We're in prison."

[audience laughs] [harmonica voice] I couldn't have put it better myself.

If he wants to come with us, I say let him.

Alright, but we got to get out of here quick, before McKenzie comes back.

Let's get up to the warden's office.

No, no, no!

No!

No!

[Billy] We arrived in the office and ran over to the open window.

There's the window.

[audience laughs] -Well, good evening, gentlemen.

-Warden!

Take one more step and I'll have McKenzie punch your lights out.

No!

Not now!

[audience laughs] I can't let you go any further.

It took a lot of work to get you here in the first place.

-You put me here?

-That's right.

I needed you somewhere where I could keep an eye on you.

Make sure no-one found out who really killed your wife.

-It was you!

-That's right!

Big twist!

No one saw it coming.

[audience laughs] But why?

Er... Why did you murder my wife?

Because... Because... Because she discovered the murder.

She discovered her own murder?

How could she discover her own murder?

Have you not read the script?

I read my lines.

[audience laughs] My wife, the journalist, discovered the murder that happened in the prison.

I thought she was the locksmith.

No, that's your daughter who we met on the phone.

With the brother.

-Who's the brother?

-I'm the brother.

You're the warden!

The Warden is my daughter's brother?

Yes!

Twist!

-No!

-Yes!

The warden is the young girl's brother who goes on to kill his own father.

It's Star Wars.

That's not Star Wars at all!

I've not seen it.

What happens in Star Wars?

In Star Wars he is the father.

Luke thinks Vader killed his father, but it turns out he is his father.

He's his own father?

No, Vader is Luke's father!

Woah, spoilers!

Okay, well, who's Samuel L. Jackson?

[harmonica voice] That's the prequel.

Shut up!

Right, my wife, the journalist, discovered the murder that happened in the prison.

So, the warden had her murdered.

But why did you need Mick to kill Billy?

So none of the guards suspect I'm in on it.

But now McKenzie knows it was you.

Yes, that's why you shoot her!

Brilliant!

Yes, okay!

Bang!

[McKenzie groans] [audience laughs] Okay.

So, I framed you for the murder and then I had you transferred here so I could keep an eye on you.

But then, you met the old man has the daughter who makes the key and has a brother, who's also me but isn't the warden.

Right, everyone clear?

-Yes.

-I'm not.

Doesn't matter, you're a bird!

[car noises] Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom!

Alright, here we go.

I ought to thank you.

If I'd killed you the day you walked through the door, folks would've asked questions, but shooting a prisoner who trying to escape... No one's gonna bat an eyelid.

You crook!

Get him, Marty!

What are you doing?

"Bird sweeps in."

[audience laughs] [car noises] Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom!

[warden screams] Quick, out the window!

[Billy] We darted out of the window and over to the wall.

No, no, no, no!

We need it, we need it!

We'll never get under this wall.

[audience laughs] We're not going under we're going over.

Hand me the rope.

[audience laughs] Over we go.

[harmonica voice] Nice work, boys.

But how are we gonna get past all that?

Bolt cutters.

[audience laughs] Worked like a charm.

[audience laughs] Come on!

[they groan in pain] Piece of cake.

[audience laughs] [Billy] It was then I saw him.

Jones, my getaway driver, pulling up in a gleaming red Buick Lesabre.

[audience laughs] [audience applauds] You boys looking for a ride?

-Let's go.

-Everybody in!

Hey!

There they are!

[gun shots] [police siren sounds] They're right on our tail!

Hey, watch out for that ramp!

Everybody, hold on!

Woah!

[audience laughs] I think we lost them.

[Billy] We drove for hours into the night.

Until finally we pulled up outside a gas station near Bloomington.

[audience laughs] What now?

I've got to call a guy who'll get you over the border.

I'll go find a phone.

[audience laughs] [Billy] I was glad to be out, but that was nothing compared to seeing Wallace reunited with his daughter after 20 years.

His jaw was on the floor.

[audience laughs] Happy Birthday, Olivia.

I'm Timmy, I'm here too.

It's also my birthday.

[audience laughs] -Thanks, daddy.

-Where's the chocolate?

[audience laughs] I've missed you so much.

Dead dog, dead dog, dead dog.

[audience laughs] I've missed you so much.

Think of your parents' divorce.

[audience laughs] I've missed you so much.

Think of the time you soiled yourself at your ballet recital.

[audience laughs] That was you.

Oh, yes.

Twist!

[cries] [audience laughs] [harmonica music] This is the best birthday present I could have ever dreamed of.

[Billy] We looked up at the sky.

At last, we were free.

[audience laughs and applauds]