Getting Dot Older

- Thankfully there's places like MSPCA that can help get the animals to a place like this, get them rehabbed if they need a little medical work.

- I think in my elementary school there were maybe, I think there was one other Asian family, I think they had two daughters.

- You were upfront with me.

I mean, I knew it from the beginning, that he had had his three kids and that was all there was going to be.

(all laughing) (cheerful music) - Welcome to "Getting Dot Older", the new TV series where Americans over 50 share intimate, personal revelations about aging.

I'm your host, Roberto Mighty.

This series interviews people live and online and asks everyone the same questions like, number nine, when I was a child, I wanted to be.

And question number 10, the most profound life transition I've had was.

You can answer these questions on our online survey.

So join us, stay tuned on TV.

And I'm looking forward to hearing your story online.

(upbeat music) In our Boomer Passions segment, Charlene volunteers at an animal rescue shelter.

Our boomer quiz is about four unknown musicians from England.

Yvonne grows up feeling different from the other kids.

John and Ilana navigate a major marital age gap.

Bob photographs ghost towns.

Dr. Sandra Crewe gives advice on elder care.

And viewers share revealing answers to our online survey.

(upbeat music) My next guest is a couple, Ilana and John.

They are navigating a significant age gap.

I was curious as to how they're managing that.

So how did you two meet?

- I'll tell the story.

- And was it legal at the time?

(all laughing) - Just 31 years ago, I was being a single parent.

And a mutual friend called and understood that things were difficult in my life.

And she said, what can I do?

And she asked that question at just the right time.

And my response was, do you know any single women?

(Roberto laughing) And boy, you can hear the wheels turning.

And her question was, what are your parameters?

Meaning-- - She's a yenta, though.

Back in New York, we would say she's a yenta.

- And I said, you know, at that point I was 40.

- You were gonna be 45.

- 45.

So I said, between 30 and 50 with a preference to the upper limit.

She said, well how about 29 if she likes string quartets?

Oh, okay, well you come to my 4th of July party.

So I went to Lynn's 4th of July party and I remember walking in with this absurdly proprietary sense of going, which one is mine?

(Roberto laughing) And at a certain point I was talking with someone and somebody behind me made reference to Bobby Short and Mabel Mercer.

And I went and there she was.

- Wow.

Now wait, wait, time out.

How the heck did you know about Bobby Short and Mabel Mercer at the age of-- - I was a fan.

I was, I don't remember how I got to listening to that kind of music.

My parents did not.

But I discovered Ella Fitzgerald first.

And then, you know, Ella Fitzgerald, I think it was an Ella Fitzgerald, her Cole Porter album was the first CD I ever bought.

And just sort of branched out from there.

And I love all of that, you know, American pop vocals and Broadway and all that stuff.

So that's how I got into that.

- [Roberto] Question number 10.

The most profound life transition I've had was?

- The most profound life transition I've had, there are two that I can't decide between.

The first was the birth of my firstborn, where all of a sudden in an instant I became not just me, but somebody's father, which has been a role that I have loved now for 50 years.

And the second, 31 years ago, meeting her.

Which was the beginning of the best 30 years of my life.

- Aw.

(John and Ilana laughing) - Getting verklempt!

Did the issue of the difference in your ages, did that come up at that moment of meeting, or did either of you consider it like, hmm?

- Honestly, the only time I actually really thought about it was talking to my mom.

Now, my mother loved John, absolutely adored him.

But the one thing that he couldn't do was give her a grandchild.

And she wanted me to have children, desperately wanted me to have children.

- Are you the only child?

Are you her only child, or?

- I have a sister and my sister does have two children and she adored them when they were born.

But I think she really, I was her first.

And my sister and I are 10 years apart.

And I remember really sort of thinking it through and talking to her about it and saying, I don't know, you know, I'm 29, I've not had, a lot of my friends were having that feeling, their biological clock's ticking and deciding they needed to get married and have kids.

And I didn't ever really feel that.

And I finally was able to articulate that I wasn't willing to give up this present happiness for some future unknown.

I mean, what if I said to John, I can't stay with you because I can't have kids.

And then I never decided I wanted kids and I didn't have kids anyway.

That would not, that didn't make sense.

And in the end, he's got three fabulous kids, and I'm not their mom and never tried to be their mom.

But I love them all and they, I think, really love me.

And we're good friends.

You were upfront with me, I mean, I knew it from the beginning that he had had his three kids and that was all there was going to be.

(all laughing) - The oldest of whom shockingly is about to turn 50.

Would you like to talk with her?

(all laughing) - Wow.

Now when the two of you were out, did people ever mistake your relationship for something else?

- Once.

- Just once, I think.

- What happened?

- Go ahead and tell us.

- I think it was John and his middle daughter Rose and I had gone out to dinner at a little hole in the wall Vietnamese place outside of Boston.

And they went outside, I think Rose was having a smoke and I was finishing paying up.

And the proprietor said, it's so nice that you're taking your father out.

(all laughing) And at that point I just sort of said, mhm, yes.

It was not worth trying to correct it.

- Just go with it, just go with it.

- Just go with it.

- [Roberto] We'll hear more from John and Ilana on an upcoming episode of "Getting Dot Older".

What about you?

Are you in love with or have you married someone who is significantly older or younger than yourself?

How's that going for you?

(pensive music) - Hi handsome.

You want another piece of mint, hm?

No, come on.

He's like, wait a minute, there you go.

(cheerful music) (music continues) (music continues) (music continues) (music continues) (mellow music) - Thanks to all the viewers who are filling out our "Getting Dot Older" online survey.

Here's a viewer survey response from Angel in Massachusetts.

Here's his answer to question number six.

If I could go back in time and counsel my younger self, I tell me to?

Well Angel says, "If I could go back in time and counsel my younger self, I'd tell me to speak up to my family about being molested by the priest they knew."

Wow, that's tough, Angel, we're so sorry that happened to you.

Thank you for having the courage to share.

(cheerful music) My next guest was abandoned as a child, then adopted by a beautiful couple, and then kept secrets for decades.

(mellow music) - Well my name is Yvonne Liu and I'm finally fulfilling my dream.

My dream was to publish in national outlets and to be a published author.

And so long story short, I was abandoned as a newborn at day four in a busy stairwell in Hong Kong.

Thankfully someone called the police.

I lived in an orphanage, when I found out later, for 15 long months.

And then I was adopted by a Chinese-American couple but sadly the mother had severe mental health issues.

And so I grew up in the Rust Belt in the 1960s and '70s.

We were the only Asian American family, or one of the few.

But I've always just worked very hard and was determined to make a better life than what I had as a child.

- Did you sometimes feel a little betwixt and between, you know, sort of the detachment between what people expect you to be like when they see you and then what you kind of really are like?

Can you talk about that please?

- I think in my elementary school there were maybe, I think there was one other Asian family, I think they had two daughters.

So we always stood out, even when we went to the grocery store, even when we went to the movie theater, there are many places we went where we were the only Asian family in the location.

- One of the things I like to do with this series is get everyone to answer the same questions or to respond to the same questions.

Getting older means?

- Getting older means letting go of secrets, realizing that you can be your authentic self.

- Brilliant.

(laughing) We're off to a great start.

Question number 17, my mission statement now is?

- My mission statement now is to write my truth, to finish my memoir, to get it published, and to give a voice to the voiceless, the people who are abandoned, who were adopted into families where it didn't turn out so well, the children of mentally ill parents.

Something like maybe 15% to 23% of all children worldwide live with a parent or guardian with a severe mental illness.

The risk for those children is through the roof in terms of, they have a higher risk of going into foster care, of having mental issues themselves, of experiencing domestic violence and going into drugs.

And so these are things I'm just really passionate about.

So my mission is to help those people who don't have this voice.

- How old were you when you were first published?

Like you know, in major publishing?

- Well, I had published in local outlets.

My first publication was "The New York Times".

It was last June, so I was 62.

So never give up on your dreams.

Never give up on your dreams.

- We'll hear more from Yvonne in an upcoming episode of "Getting Dot Older".

(upbeat music) The "Getting Dot Older" series includes expert advice for people over 50.

Our growing number of topics will include medicine, elder care, financial services, nutrition, geriatrics, estate planning and lifelong learning.

Professor Sandra Edmonds Crewe is the dean of the Howard University School of Social Work.

I asked her about baby boomers and mental illness.

And I guess what I'm asking is, does mental illness get better as we age into our elder years?

And what are you seeing in your practice and in your teaching, please?

- Well, mental illness requires treatment.

And so it doesn't just organically get better.

It really does require that we are attentive to, medications are important to address some mental illnesses.

So if one is suffering from depression and they've had lifelong bouts of depression, medication, psycho-pharmacology is an important part of that.

So unfortunately we have focused more on the negative aspects of the using the pharmaceuticals such as opioids.

But they do have their place because sometimes a person is in pain.

So we have to be able to differentiate it when it has become a substance that we've become dependent upon for medicating our mental pain rather than medicating our physical pain.

'Cause there could be a difference there and those two can come together.

So, but there are individuals that I have worked with that have suffered with mental illness, a life, I mean, it's a lifelong struggle and battle with them.

But there are also people who have successfully lived with mental illness.

And because they have been attentive to the care that they need, they are self aware of that, I really do need my medication for me to function at my maximum capacity.

And what happens with aging is that that is the stage of life that you experience more losses than usual.

And so grief and loss really go hand in hand with depression.

And so we will find that you'll find older people sometimes being more exposed to the situations in life that gives them those ups and downs.

And if you are lower socioeconomic, it even comes with the economic burdens of life that really does result in some people self-medicating.

That's what I called it, self-medicating.

'Cause they wanna feel the way they used to feel.

They wanna feel the way they used to feel when, my uncle now has lost all of his siblings, he's near 90.

So if you can imagine growing up with five siblings and all of them are gone except you.

- That's so sad.

- And so that really can be a moment where one feels depressed, right?

But, so medication can be helpful, but there's also talk therapy that can be helpful.

So I go visit him every Sunday and we talk about the good old days, and we kinda reminisce in terms of doing that.

So I think mental health is real, mental health problems.

And so, but we can work effectively with individuals, with those, as long as they understand that being treated is just like being treated for diabetes or hypertension.

You know, it's a checkup from the neck up.

You have to do a checkup from the neck up sometimes.

And so if we normalize it rather than to have an OMG moment, oh my goodness, that person isn't the way they used to be.

Well, no they're not, because if you have cumulative loss you are often not the same as you were before.

- We'll hear more from Sandra Crewe in later episodes this season of "Getting Dot Older".

If you or someone you know has a mental illness, is struggling emotionally, or has concerns about their mental health, there are ways to get help.

Use these resources to find help for you, a friend, or a family member.

(pensive music) (upbeat music) Here's a viewer survey response from Rowena.

Here's her answer to question number 10.

The most profound life transition I've had was?

Rowena says, "The most profound life transition I've had was my husband's passing."

We are so sorry for your loss Rowena, but there's hope.

Here's her answer to question number three.

"The one thing I wanna do before I die is travel again with a mate.

And the reason why I haven't is because I have no mate."

Well, Rowena, we hope your dream comes true.

Thank you so much for sharing.

My next guest is a deeply religious veteran who comes from a long line of coal mine owners.

In retirement he's traveling with a very interesting hobby.

- I'm a professional photographer.

I've worked for National Geographic for how long?

Oh, ever since I was in Vietnam, so that's 55 years.

- That's long enough.

(laughing) - They've sent me to 55, excuse me, 83 foreign countries.

Africa four times, Robert.

Kenya, Tanzania, and so forth and so on, 83 foreign countries.

But now what my wife and I are doing now is going to the ghost towns in Colorado.

Ghost, it means places that used to be inhabited.

The Colorado Gold Rush began in 1859, lasted 70 years until 1929.

During that time, 640 ghost towns came into being.

When my wife and I start our pilgrimage on these Colorado ghost towns, so we leave the house, we're gone two overnights and three full days.

Go there, I photograph 'em, I write 'em up.

I've got a deal with Amazon that when I get to 1000 ghost towns they're gonna publish the whole book, publish a book with all these ghost towns.

It's a hobby that really, really grips me.

- How about you?

Have you taken up some interesting hobby post-retirement?

What is it and what do you get out of it?

Why don't you send me some pictures?

(upbeat music) Here's a viewer survey response from Beverly, an accomplished artist in Boston and Mexico.

Here's her answer to question number one.

Getting older means?

Beverly says, "Getting older means taking better care of myself and no more risky solo hikes in the mountains."

I can relate, Beverly.

Nowadays I'm no longer hiking or swimming alone.

Thank you for sharing this very good advice.

(pensive music) My "Getting Dot Older" mission statement is to shine a light on our unique time in history, you might say from the end of World War II to the start of America's involvement in the Vietnam War.

Or you might say from The Three Stooges to The Supremes.

We boomers have been through some changes.

In the old days everybody watched the "Ed Sullivan Show".

Today everyone has the worldwide web at their fingertips.

In this season, "Getting Dot Older" will continue to explore how diverse Americans live and love as we all age together.

(energetic music) (music continues) (music continues) The nonprofit MSPCA at Nevins Farm cares for animals, provides rescue services, and offers a humane education program.

- Hi handsome.

You want another piece of mint, hm?

- [Roberto] There are volunteers of all ages.

Charlene is one of their baby boomer volunteers.

- My first name is Charlene and I'm a volunteer here four hours a week, Thursday mornings eight to noon, working with the barn animals, cleaning up, providing whatever other care they need.

And I work with a team of three other volunteers.

- [Roberto] The work is physical.

- There is heavy lifting, bales of hay.

If there's a lot of poop to pick up, these buckets can get pretty heavy and pretty weighty.

There's some 50 gallon water jugs that need to be sometimes brought out.

- [Roberto] Charlene loves working with the goats.

So who are these guys?

- This is another surrender, I believe.

These are Saanen goats.

I think these are all females.

Some of them might be the offspring of some of these larger females.

They're up for adoption right now also, some of them are on our website.

- [Roberto] Some of the animals are rescues.

I asked Charlene what that means.

- I think it's a combination, it can be a combination of a lot of things.

Sometimes people become ill and just can't physically provide the care they need for their animals.

Or sometimes to your point, you know, maybe it's financial and it just becomes too much, you know, more than they can afford.

But thankfully there's places like MSPCA that can help get the animals to a place like this, get them rehabbed if they need a little medical work, or maybe need to put a tiny bit of weight on and get them ready to be adopted again by someone who has the space and the wherewithal to take good care of them.

Hi!

- [Roberto] Why would seniors volunteer to work this hard for free?

- And these volunteers are doing everything from animal care on a daily basis to helping with transports to doing clerical, behind the scenes work, who are doing advocacy.

It's incredible the depth and breadth of what our volunteers are doing.

- [Roberto] There are some things that money can't buy.

- There's just a real unique I think camaraderie when you volunteer someplace like this.

And I suspect it's like that at other organizations where, you know, people are here for the same purpose and for the same passion.

And that's been really nice.

(cheerful music) (upbeat music) - Thanks so much.

Please go to our website and take our survey, and let us know if you're interested in doing a video call interview with me.

I am really looking forward to hearing your story online.

(cheerful music) (music continues) (music continues) (music continues) (mellow jingle) (bouncy jingle)