Funny Woman

Whilst Spike Milligan gave a wonderful turn in our episode five, it is very good to have the team back together.

I thought we should take a moment to congratulate Clive and Sophie on their engagement.

A little celebration is in order.

CLIVE: Ah!

Eunice, bring in the chocolate fingers.

I am afraid Songs of Praise soaked up our booze budget.

No, I am joking, of course.

I am teetotal.

THEY ALL LAUGH Dennis, I am very glad you decided to re-join us.

Decided?

We had to drag him back, kicking and screaming.

But in a good way.

Well, I am glad to see the series through to the end.

Well then, we should talk about how things are going to run with this final show.

Mr. Richardson and Miss Straw, you are, of course, at all times representing the network both off screen and on, is that clear?

You are engaged, not married.

The viewing public do not want to see their stars' messy lives splashed across the papers.

Just look at the detrimental effect it's having on Tony Hancock.

Yes, Ted, all above board, you have our word.

Mine too.

Too much?

I am sorry.

We all want to see the adventures of Jim and Barbara return for another series, so... let's go out with a bang.

Oh, please... do grow up.

REPORTERS CLAMOR WOMAN: Hi there.

BARBARA: Out!

Jim.

CLIVE: Oh, yeah.

Sophie, darling, what did you just do there?

I'm having a scratch.

Men are always having a scratch down there.

It's liberating.

TONY: I don't scratch my bollocks.

SHE BURPS THEY LAUGH End of Sophie's dream sequence.

BANGING SOUNDS -What the bloody hell is that, Bill?

-Rusty plumbing.

Rusty plumbing, I think I saw them at the Palladium.

BILL AND TONY LAUGH And action.

Jim!

Jim!

Wake up!

I've had the most amazing dream about a world where women can do everything that men can do, except... piss standing up.

THEY LAUGH Green Book.

-Den!

-Come up with something else.

-Wee standing up.

-Tinkle?

-Pee.

-Tinkle standing up.

-And then do I go to the bathroom?

-Yes.

Very good, darling.

And then the camera can stay on me and I can deliver a killer punchline, yes?

Actually in this episode Sophie gets the punchlines.

Yeah, very good, very good.

Good.

BILL AND TONY MAKE OOHING NOISES Oh, yeah!

I'll see you at mine later.

We're gonna tell Ted Sargent!

Give over!

He's being taken to dinner by his agent.

Only thing my agent's ever given me is an invoice.

It's going well then, is it, with Captain Cuddles?

Yeah, it's going great, thanks.

So come on, tell me what you've been up to then.

Well, I come home the other night when suddenly, tap, tap, tap at the bloody window pane.

I looked out, you know who it was?

-Bloody Greta Garbo!

– ALL: Bloody Greta Garbo!

BARBARA: I love Pete and Dud.

You know what they do, is it all improvised?

-Yes, most of the time it is.

-Why don't we do that then?

With the next series, why don't we improvise?

I'd love to have a go.

Why not?

You'd be good at it.

All right, don't do us out of a job though.

Come on, give us a line.

Edith.

I am late for dinner.

(AS EDITH) Don't worry, darling, my boss will be talking about himself for at least another hour.

-I am joking.

-What are you doing?

Well, I am improvising.

I thought you wanted me to be Edith.

No.

No improvising.

I am...

I am late for dinner with Edith.

See you tomorrow.

Well, that wasn't at all embarrassing.

What's going on?

Edith and Den are getting divorced.

She's shacking up with Vernon Whitebait.

PATSY: Darling, you have been inundated with invitations.

The Mary Quant people want you to model their new collection.

And you are tippermost of the toppermost of the VIP list for the Terry Clarke photographic exhibition.

-I better think of something to wear.

-And make it snazzy.

Anybody who's anybody will be there.

It's such an accolade being photographed by Terry Clarke.

Perhaps you could persuade him to take the pictures for your wedding.

Oh, God!

Clive would love that.

Why are you so concerned about what Clive wants all the time?

You're not his agent.

In your absence, darling, our boys got together and commiserated over a couple of dirty martinis.

Why?

Why would you be having a couple of mucky martinis with Clive?

HE STUTTERS It really isn't a thing.

Patsy, was there a little bit of extra filing to do, darling?

We're a bit behind with all that, aren't we?

There's a good girl.

Poor Patsy, she's a little bit confused at the moment.

You see, she's going through the change.

Right.

I'd better get to rehearsals.

Absolutely.

It's lovely to see you, as usual.

Well, I think it's grubby.

That poor girl has no idea that Clive was coerced.

Pff!

Nobody is being coerced into anything.

The papers want what they want, and they won't wait forever.

#SKY SUNLIGHT SAXON: Pushin' Too Hard Blimey, I didn't know you could actually type.

What?

You finished the script then?

Bill, mate, what's the big secret?

All right.

-Ton!

Ton!

Tony.

– TONY: Wait, wait, wait!

-No, no, no, no, no, no.

-Tony.

No, no, no, just give it to me.

Fuck... Fuck... Fucking hell, Bill.

Yeah, all right.

What do you think?

I think you'll be arrested if anyone else reads this.

What is it, like a diary?

Yeah, well... a novel maybe.

TONY: Hm.

It's good.

Actually it's brilliant, and I fucking hate you.

I love writing comedy with you, Ton.

The feeling's mutual, best job in the world.

You make me laugh every fucking day.

But I wanna write different stuff too... about... the other part of my life.

I need to write about it.

Well, I am scared, Bill... 'cause I am only myself when I'm writing with you.

BARBARA GIGGLES Hello!

Interrupting something?

Just don't leave it lying around on a bus seat!

Set up for the bathroom plumbing scene.

– TONY: Yep.

– BILL: Yeah, all right, Den.

Don't mind me.

TONY: No, come on, mate.

Bill, help me with this.

Den, I'm sorry about you and Edith.

Oh, well, you know, we're being very grown up and sophisticated about it all.

So are you really divorcing her?

Yes.

Well, actually, she wants to divorce me.

-On what grounds?

-Adultery.

Oh.

Crikey.

So have you been having a... a ding-a-ling?

A ding...

Absolutely not.

No, no, no.

Gosh, no, no!

Gosh, no!

No, but that's the point, you see, it's actually quite funny in a way.

Edith, who very much has been having a ding-a-ling, has now decided that I should have one too so that she can save face and divorce me.

I mean, not that I'd ever, but for a woman in her position it could ruin her career.

TONY: Hello.

Writers in the room... BILL: Rehearsal sometime this year would be great.

– DIANE: What's cooking?

– BARBARA: Probably Marj's pants.

No, actually I am cooking a pasta dish.

One of the girls in my group gave me the recipe.

It tastes of cardboard.

-Has that gone off?

-Okay, it'll taste nice once it's cooked.

Yeah, we know that.

This is lovely, just hanging out for once.

Yeah, how comes you got the day off work?

They changed my rota.

I'll be in tomorrow.

-Well, let's stick it on anyway, yeah?

– DIANE: All right.

-'Cause I quite fancy that Andy O'Shea.

-Oh, Marjorie, I say!

Diane, maybe you could fix her up.

Get in line.

THEY SQUEAL -Now we know!

-Now we know!

It's just a flirtation.

– MARJORIE: Who's she?

– DIANE: Oh, good question.

-They must be trying her out.

– MAN: ...to where they once... MARJORIE: Oh, it's him, banging on as usual.

He's like a bloody panto villain.

There's nothing pantomime about that man.

If it were down to him, me and my family would be on a boat back to, God, wherever it is he thinks we come from.

-Is there a boat to Cobham?

– ENOCH: ...their countries of origin.

But they might argue that this is their home.

The majority of them regard India or Jamaica or wherever it may be as their home.

-Well, of course, that's a valid opinion.

-No, it isn't.

Oh, take him on, Andy!

Challenge him!

On the other side there is a certain evil -You make a very interesting point.

-Don't just let him off the hook!

ANDREW: Two, three days before the Conservative... MAN: Sophie, over here!

Keep smiling, darling.

– WOMAN: Sophie, darling, I love the hair.

– BARBARA: Thank you.

– WOMAN 2: Doesn't she look gorgeous.

-Oh, my God, this is mad.

Who are these people?

Do you know them?

– WOMAN 3: Sophie.

– WOMAN 4: Sophie, you're gorgeous.

I mean, we are in with the in-crowd now, darling, one of the famous club.

-All these are our friends here.

Cheers.

-Cheers.

Wotcha, fuckers.

-Terry, good to see you.

How are you?

-Alright, geezer.

-Sophie.

-Hiya.

Right, why don't we go and have a look at your... your snapshots, yeah?

Yeah.

Wow!

Great shot, mate, great shot!

TERRY: Here we are.

How do you feel?

– BARBARA: I look dead serious.

– CLIVE: I look a bit like Brando.

Michael!

Mike!

Mike!

Sorry, it's Michael Cain, and I haven't seen him since Zulu.

Do you mind?

Hey, Mike.

TERRY: What do you think, sexy Sophie?

I think it's a lovely picture, but I'm not sure if it's the real me.

Oh, never mind that.

Come on, let's get a couple of snaps here in front of it.

Right.

Your lips, just make them like two slugs fucking.

Yeah.

Go on.

That's more like a duck taking a shit.

That is the real me.

That's it.

Do you wanna go to bed with me?

SHE SCOFFS Oh, my God!

Shall I ask my fiance to hold your camera while we do it?

Suit yourself, I won't ask again.

That's probably a lie, I probably will.

Is your life always like this?

Soph, it's all just a game.

Kick back and enjoy the ride.

I've turned you into an icon.

Make the most of it.

#THE ZOMBIES: She's Not There PEOPLE MUTTER AND WHISPER REPORTER: Over here, love!

This way, Sophie.

Look at the camera, sweetheart!

Turn around, love.

REPORTER 2: Turn back, Sophie.

Give us one more.

Over here, you fucking bitch!

Got you.

REPORTER LAUGHS -Hello, darling.

-Hello.

You should have stayed at the party last night, it was a blast.

The Rolling Stones turned up, everyone went dancing at Annabel's.

I hope she didn't mind.

-No, Annabel's is a club, darling.

-I know that, darling.

So Mick and Marianne invited us to Keith Richards' country house at the weekend.

Keith Richards?

Blimey!

I wouldn't know what to say!

Well, I don't think Keith's big into small talk.

At least nothing you can understand, anyway.

You know, just relax, tune in, let yourself go and enjoy the perks of the job.

I think I mainly enjoy the job.

I love being in the rehearsal room.

-It feels safe.

I can be myself.

– CLIVE: Right.

You... you know, darling... the rehearsal room is not real life.

Well, nor is hanging around with the Rolling Stones.

The Powell interview was interesting.

God, what a piece of work!

You let him off lightly.

If I'd been here, I'd have gone for the jugular.

He made sure that didn't happen.

I'm sorry?

All I know is they suddenly changed the rota.

Is there more?

Okay, this is awkward, Diane.

Someone should have told you.

He refused to be interviewed if... if you were in the vicinity.

-And you thought that was all right?

-Of course not, but... but the powers that be felt that it was best.

And you didn't say anything?

Diane, it was out of my hands.

What would you have done in my position?

DIRECTOR: Here we are, ladies and gentlemen.

Where's that microphone?

That's just the thing, isn't it?

I never will be in your position.

Thank you.

So, Diane, we're looking at how many tool the average woman can identify.

Well, I'd certainly like to know the name of the tool who decided not to have me in the studio yesterday.

Well, I am not quite sure that-- Only a very big spanner would make that sort of decision, surely.

Crikey.

Well, luckily, you're back with us today, and-- But, unluckily, you're just a very small cog in the machine, Andy.

BARBARA GASPS Otherwise, perhaps you would have spoken out.

-Right, I think we're ready to move-- -I don't think you're quite ready for me.

MARJROIE: Oh my God!

BARBARA GASPS Go on, Diane!

– ANDREW: Coming up next on the show... -Cocking hell!

ANDREW: ...The Dudley Moore Trio.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today for the final episode of Jim and Barbara.

AUDIENCE GROAN Yes, it's sad!

Move over, I need to do my makeup.

You need to spend a few more minutes admiring yourself?

-Fuck off, I was going over my lines.

-Want to run things?

Actually there's gotta be a better joke for the end of the bathroom scene.

Maybe we could call Galton and Simpson, ask them to write it.

TONY PRETENDS TO LAUGH BARBARA: Seriously though, lads, any new lines?

Uh, just a couple.

-Hey!

– CLIVE: It is big as you, Tony.

I traced that.

THEY LAUGH Well, the old jokes are the best.

Shall we give Sophie a moment?

– BILL: Oh, yeah, all right.

Hang on.

– TONY: Yes, yes, yes.

BARBARA HUMS -Break a leg.

-Break a leg.

Clive?

After you, Dennis.

Deja vu.

What do you mean?

Hm?

Deja vu, it's French for-- No, I know what it means.

What did you mean?

CLIVE: Oh, uh...

Nothing, nothing at all.

Clive.

There was a... moment in Blackpool.

-Blackpool?

-Mm.

He was at the train station.

With roses.

-Roses?

– CLIVE: Mm.

Who for?

Uh, Soph.

For you.

Oh.

Yeah, anyway, the best man won, so... MAN: Lady and gentleman, it's showtime.

#THE RONETTES: Be My Baby AUDIENCE LAUGH Jim.

There you are.

BARBARA: You missed a bit.

Whoa!

SHE GASPS Jim!

Jim!

Jim!

Wake up!

I've had the most amazing dream about a world where women can do everything that men can do, except tinkle standing up.

– CLIVE: It's just a fantasy, darling.

-It's the future.

There's no reason why women can't do what men can do.

-What, even the toughest, dirtiest jobs?

-Even the toughest jobs.

All right then, in that case, could you sort out the plumbing in the toilet?

The pipes are making an awful din!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS Rather risque, but a fun idea.

The boys do write very well for women.

Oh, actually Sophie came up with a lot of it.

– DENNIS: Is FX set with the water?

– MAN: All set.

DENNIS: Right.

Well, we only sort of have one go with this, so good luck.

MAN: Ready to roll.

And action!

AUDIENCE CHEER PIPES BANG Right.

Let's be having you.

PIPES BUBBLE AND BANG TOILET FLUSHES PIPES BANG No!

TOILET FLUSHES AUDIENCE LAUGH BARBARA: Jesus!

Oh, oh!

No!

-What is all this racket?

-Jim!

I've done it.

I fixed the pipes.

Oh, darling, well done!

You clever little thing!

But you could have just turned off all the water with this.

BARBARA SCREAMS No!

BARBARA STUTTERS Get down, you beast!

CLIVE: Oh, no!

It's coming out of every hole.

AUDIENCE LAUGH BARBARA: You men!

Always fiddling with your stop-cocks.

AUDIENCE LAUGH And cut.

Very good.

Spot check that, please.

All right.

He says that we're checking the tape.

-Come on, Ton.

– BARBARA: I hope it's all right.

Or we'll be back in the bedroom doing another tinkle standing up.

Oh, you know what I mean!

Although has anyone ever tried a standy-uppy?

Girls?

AUDIENCE LAUGH AND MURMUR Does the phrase "fill your boots" come to mind?

AUDIENCE GASP AND LAUGH When I was little, I thought I could do anything.

I thought I could be a footballer, a racing driver, a pilot, a camera person, a boom operator, a TV director.

I didn't even really know what half of those jobs were.

But I'd have wanted to do them.

And... and I asked my dad, "Why it was that girls don't do jobs like that?"

And he said, "Well, because they can't do a tinkle standing up."

AUDIENCE CHUCKLE And I thought he was joking, but as I grew up I realized that if you're a girl... there are an awful lot of people saying that you can't.

And they said that this was no job for a woman... but here I am, doing jokes for a living.

-So you've got to stand up for yourself... -WOMAN: Yeah!

...and don't ever let anyone tell you you can't do what you want to do... just 'cause of where your wee comes out.

AUDIENCE LAUGH Okay, thank you!

The tape's okay apparently.

Well, that's the end of Jim and Barbara.

AUDIENCE GROAN So... Come on.

Come on, Clive.

A few thank yous.

And our writers, Bill Gardiner and Tony Holmes.

(MOUTHS) Dennis, come on.

And the fifth Beatle, our fearless leader, Dennis Mahindra.

TONY: Come on, Den.

AUDIENCE CHEER -Here we are.

-Thank you.

From him.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Well, that was that.

That was the show that was.

That was it.

Yeah, not "it" it, that was just the end of series one, we can see it as the start of series two.

We don't know we're getting a series two, do we?

Well, I am banking on it.

Now I am gonna have another mouth to feed.

Well, I never!

June's got a bun up her jumper?

-Who's the daddy?

-Oh, fuck off!

Congratulations.

-Are you happy?

-No, I am terrified.

-Bye, Joan, bye, Sue!

-Bye!

See you at the party.

You came.

And?

What did you think?

The seats were bloody uncomfortable.

But, yeah, you weren't half bad.

Come here.

You're coming to the party?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

Good.

See you there.

I wondered when you'd turn up.

What do you want?

-I hoped you'd understand.

-Oh, I understand.

Money is it?

-No.

-Oh, come on, everybody wants something.

I don't want anything.

Fine.

Good.

BARBARA'S MOTHER: It was just... You know, seeing you up there tonight, I felt so proud.

What gives you the right to feel anything about me?

-I always knew you were something special.

-Oh, I was special.

I was the kid that had no mother.

I...

I never meant to hurt anybody, Barbara.

I am not Barbara, I am Sophie Straw.

And you did... hurt us.

It wasn't part of my plan.

Oh, there was a plan, was there?

It wasn't just a random act of cruelty?

How could you never even try to get in touch?

-I did.

– BARBARA: How could you?

No, I wrote to you.

– BARBARA: Don't lie to my face.

-No, but I didn't hear back-- I was just a kid.

All I wanted was me mom.

What were you looking for?

What was so wrong with me and Dad that you had to go off searching for something better?

So, come on, whose wife did you end up being?

No one's.

No one's wife.

He was already married, he was happy as we were.

Well... he was happy for a while.

And now suddenly here you are.

But you were my baby, I wanted to look at you.

Have you look back at me.

You're so beautiful.

Well, that's that sorted then.

I hope it was all worth it because when you went, the bottom fell out of my world.

Oh, I am sorry.

DOOR SHUTS What are you drinking?

No, I am fine.

What?

-What was that?

– BILL: Weird.

I see no reason why you shouldn't be the next Sophie Straw.

Here's my card.

Come and see me.

Well played tonight.

Thanks.

Back off, Dennis, she's made her choice.

She didn't know there was a choice.

#SHARON TANDY: Hold On Well, that was interesting tonight, you deciding to go off book.

-Well, I had a few things to say.

-Yes.

The problem with you, Sophie Straw, is that you always say too much.

Do not forget you are a girl from nowhere.

I put you on television, so it's up to me what you say and when you get to say it.

Those days are over, Ted.

Times are changing, so either get with it or get the fuck out of my way.

Sophie!

You're flying too high, ladybird, your wings are gonna snap.

Ted Sargent is not a waiter in some greasy spoon, he's the head of light entertainment!

I am worried about you.

You can stop worrying 'cause I'm not doing this anymore.

You're giving up on show business, are you?

No, I am giving up on you.

HE GASPS Eventful night?

I didn't know you smoked.

Well, nor did I. I think I screwed things up with Ted Sargent.

I'd expect nothing less.

Den...

I think I am a bit drunk.

Sorry.

– DRIVER: Where to, miss?

-Hampstead, please.

DRIVER: Yes, ma'am.

Goodnight, Sophie Straw.

#JACKIE DESHANNON: When You Walk In The Room I am sorry I bailed.

I am crap at goodbyes.

Come on, look, I'll fetch you a drink.

Why did you do that?

-Do what?

-You shut the bedroom door.

Are you hiding someone?

Soph!

I...

I've been offered a job... in America.

What?

They're creating a new drama and they want me for the lead.

How could you not tell me that?

I just didn't want to spoil the last show for everyone.

-Thoughtful.

– CLIVE: Darling...

I'd be crazy to turn this down.

Finney and O'Toole, they're out there working, and they love it.

This could be great for both of us.

-Both of us?

– CLIVE: Yeah.

What, do I just drop everything and come with you?

Darling, look, this is an amazing opportunity.

For you, not for me.

I am here doing what I always wanted to do.

– CLIVE: Sophie, look-- -No, no.

I don't want to drop everything and start again in America, and just be some anonymous blonde on your arm.

You are the most ambitious person I've ever met.

Well, you're the one who's leaving for Hollywood in the morning.

Soph, do you remember I once said to you... that I'd never met anyone like you?

And I meant it.

You're amazing.

A one-off.

But if I stay...

I'll just end up a bit player in the Sophie Straw Show.

SHE SNIFFS CLIVE: Soph?

Yeah, did it end with a wallop?

A big party and all that?

-It was all right.

-Any celebrities turn up?

No celebrities, but we did have one unexpected visitor.

Oh, yeah?

Do tell.

You all right?

Dad, have you always told me the truth about Mom?

-Did she ever try to get in touch?

-Why are you asking?

I can't talk now, Dad, I've got to go.

GEORGE: Oh, yeah, all right.

Ying tong iddle I... BARBARA: My long lost mother turns up and everything turns to shit.

I am so confused.

All the anger and the hurt, and the years of hate just feels like such a waste.

MARJORIE: The thing is though... without her going off, there would have been no rage, no fire in your belly, no move to London.

You would have been crowned Miss Blackpool, and, yeah, your mom might have been there in a deckchair cheering you on, but that would have been all that would have happened.

So I owe her everything, and nothing.

But now what?

I finally found what I'm good at and where's it got me?

I've no agent, no boyfriend, no job.

-I am right back where I started.

-No, no, you're not though, you're not.

My group, my group would say that this... this is you on the cusp of your next chapter.

Sophie strikes out.

The future's in your hands, Barb, you've just gotta grab it.

You think?

I mean, I don't know, do I?

But it sounded really good, didn't it?

BILL: What a wanker.

Couldn't he have told us?

I don't blame Clive.

He was slumming it with us in a sitcom.

Don't defend him, Den.

He's an arsing pisscock.

What did Ted Sargent say?

That without its lead, Jim and Barbara faces an uncertain future -Right, which translates as?

-We're fucked.

Den?

What's that?

You're freaking me out?

Why are you smiling?

BILL: God, he's finally lost it.

Hide the knives, Ton.

Ted Sargent is not the only comedy shop in town.

-There's a comedy shop in town?

-Good, we can buy some new jokes.

Tony, grab some mugs.

I've just had a rather interesting conversation with the other side.

A deal?

Are you absolutely sure about this?

My sister Euphemia works in the Chief Executive's office at the other side.

They've made a handsome offer to Dennis and the boys.

Really?

Dennis is a corporation man down to his wool socks.

They're drawing up contracts.

Already?

That was quick.

Move with the times, Ted, they're a commercial channel, they pounce!

Get me Sophie's appalling agent on the phone.

She sacked him at the wrap party.

-Is there anything you do not know?

-When I am getting a pay rise.

Find out where Sophie Straw is and I'll give you one now.

-Mr. Sargent!

-Oh, no, I didn't mean... She's on her way up.

(STUTTERING) Do come in.

I'll call Sophie and give her the good news.

Yes, yes, yes.

Once the cash rolls in from the other side, we'll be bathing in champagne.

-Oh, no, mate, it'll sting your nuts.

-Sophie's gonna fucking love us forever.

PHONE RINGS -Hello?

-Hello, Marjorie, this is Dennis.

May I please speak to Sophie?

She's gone to see that Ted Sargent, I thought you'd be with her.

Right.

-Jesus.

– MARJORIE: Den?

Den?

BILL: Den?

Den, what's up?

I am sorry if after the show I was a little-- Condescending?

Rude?

-Though to be fair, I did tell you to-- -TED: Well, quite.

We'd like to find you a new Jim.

I don't want to make Jim and Barbara.

No Jim and Barbara?

No, no Jim.

Just Barbara?

That's a great name for the show!

Where do I sign?

-Earl's Court, please.

– DRIVER: Okay.

Dennis!

I just got us a show!

We start straight away!

What?

No, we've got a show.

-Who with?

-The other side.

What?

Why didn't you tell me?

I've just signed a contract with Ted Sargent.

So, what do we do now?

Dennis... what would you have said to me in Blackpool... if you'd had the chance?

I would have said... "Sophie Straw...

I love you."

#CASS ELLIOT: Make Your Own Kind of Music Subtitle translation by: