Funny Woman

Announcer: From starry-eyed sirens to sparkling sights of another kind, all through the year, the work goes on for the biggest day in the town's calendar.

35,000 colored lamps will shimmer and shine in splendor.

No, sir, not Christmas, not bonfire night.

The Blackpool Illuminations.

[Crowd cheering and whistling] Announcer: But the question on everyone's lips is, who is this year's celebrity to do the big switch on?

[Crowd cheering and clamoring] [Crowd shouting "Sophie!"]

Hiya!

Oh, my gosh!

I love you!

Are you all right?

Oh--oh!

It's all right.

It's all right.

I got it!

[The Tremeloes' "Here Comes My Baby" playing] And every time I do Hi!

I keep seeing this picture of you [Overlapping shouting] Here comes my baby Here she comes now And it comes as no surprise... Come on!

Let's have a family shot!

With another guy Well, here comes my baby Here she comes now Walking with her love, with her love That's oh, so fine... Photographer: Smile, everyone.

Mayor: She's the star of "Jim and Barbara," so let's all stamp our feet and shout as loud as our Lancashire lungs will let us for Miss Sophie Straw!

[Cheering, applause, and whistling] Eh up, cockers!

Ha ha ha ha!

[Crowd cheering] By heck, it's good to be back!

[Crowd laughs and cheers] When I was little, the highlight of my year was watching these lights get switched on.

Do you remember George Formby tickling his banjulele?

And who can forget the gorgeous Hollywood star, Jayne Mansfield?

[Crowd whistles and cheers] Oh, ho ho!

Bucket of ice for Mr. Mayor.

[Laughter] I hardly dared dream that one day it would be me up here, but here I am!

[Crowd cheers] Now, shall we get on with it?

[Crowd cheering] How's your counting?

Five, four, two, three, one!

Ha ha!

[Crowd cheering] [Fireworks whistling] "I Only Want to Be With You" playing] Dusty Springfield: I don't know what it is That makes me love you so I only know I never want to let you go 'Cause you started something Oh, can't you see?

That ever since we met You had a hold on me?

It happens to be true I only want to be with you It doesn't matter where you go Or what you do I want to spend each moment of the day with you Oh, look what has happened with just one kiss I never knew that I could be in love like this It's crazy but it's true I only want to be with you [Rumbling loudly] Ta-da!

[Rumbling continues] Ta-da!

[Gasps] Sophie: Ugh.

That Flatley Dryer's got to go.

It's like sticking your head in a concrete mixer.

I preferred it festooned with Marjorie's damp pants... Hmm.

like gussety bunting.

Mwah!

Oh, get away!

Go on, ya!

Jesus, that's a big lad.

So... Oh!

how was it then?

How was the Blackpool lights?

Were there thousands of adoring fans screaming your name?

Did you not see it on the news?

Oh, did we not see that one?

No, missed that.

Ha ha ha ha!

Sophie: Bog off.

It's an honor to be asked.

Did they turn up, then?

Your family?

Family?

It's more like a bag of broken biscuits.

Right, well, Marj's special tea it is, then.

Sign this... and kiss that.

Heh heh!

Mwah!

Diane... thank you.

Whoa!

Here she is, Lady Bountiful.

Spread the wealth.

Sophie: Diane's just helping me out until she finds some proper work.

Hmm.

Actually, I started a new secretarial job on Thursday.

Oh, that's great.

I got fired on Friday for not having sex with the boss.

Dirty dog.

Did you report him?

To who?

Well, we've been having these meetings at work talking about better working conditions and equal pay.

Sophie: Yeah, like that'll ever happen.

Diane: Maybe that's a feature piece I could sell.

Well, yeah, instead of sitting around here, replying to Madam's creepy fan mail.

My fans are lovely.

Marj: Oh, "lovely"?

This one has sent you a bit of his... down-there hair stuck on with Sellotape.

Oh, yeah, that'll be Denzil from Devon.

He's a regular.

I'm surprised he's got any pubes left.

The press were sniffing around again, asking who me new feller is.

How is Dennis?

Imagine he's got a healthy set of pubes.

Sophie: Marjorie!

Is it still under the radar?

We're not allowed to be seen alone together, not until the divorce comes through.

But not long now, though.

[Sigh]s Oh.

Oh, it's mad how much I miss him.

I keep imagining Dennis and the lads having a brilliant time without me over on the other side.

Ronald: I blame Harold Bleedin' Wilson.

He encouraged these lazy beatniks and long-haired layabouts, so shut your pie hole, silly old nag.

If you call me a silly old nag one more time, I shall leave you.

Shut your pie hole, you silly old nag.

Right.

I warned you.

I'm off.

Where are you going?

Anywhere you're not.

Dennis: Very good.

Thank you, Dilys.

Thank you, Ronald.

[Ronald sighs] Oh, just a, um, uh, prescription.

It's a doctor's, uh, doctor's orders.

[Coughs] Uh, D-D-Dennis, could we suggest-- Ronald: Could I suggest?

Actually, we--we put in a line about these bloody immigrants coming over here and, um-- Uh, yes, Ronald, um, if you could, uh, please just hold that thought for just a second, thank you.

Um, yes, Tony?

Tony: Yeah, no, uh, yeah.

Um, just that, um, well, we--we, um, imagined, um, this couple to... be a little less... A bit more... like...us.

Yeah.

Dennis: Well, I'm--I'm sure the accents will...come along.

Well, rest assured, the accents will arrive at the station.

We are classically trained actors.

I was Puck to Larry Olivier's Bottom.

Uh-huh.

Blimey.

Hmm.

Tony: Oh.

Dennis: Oh.

Dilys: Oh, it's nothing.

Tony: That's it.

Dennis: Oh.

Ted: So here we are, at the good old rehearsal rooms.

Your first day on "Just Barbara" with a brand-new team.

They've got some splendid ideas--ahem-- and they're very excited to meet you.

[Chuckles] They've worked with absolutely everybody from Jimmy Edwards to, well, well, the "Carry On" team and beyond.

Ooh.

My personal favorite was their hilarious sitcom about a husband-and-wife tennis team.

Oh, yes-- Ah!

And yes, here we are.

Sophie Straw, meet Colin Curry and Leslie Lanagan.

Sophie: Hiya.

Heh heh!

Leslie, chuckling: Ah.

Hi.

It is a real pleasure.

It's lovely to meet you.

It is an honor, Miss Straw.

Oh, no, no, the honor is all mine.

I grew up watching your TV shows.

New balls, please!

Colin: That was one of yours, Leslie.

Good, partner.

I salute you, Leslie.

Well, no, I salute you.

No, I salute you, Leslie.

Nonsense, Sir Colin.

I salute you.

I saluted you first.

Ted: Ah, I have a very good feeling about this, indeed.

Colin: Splendid!

Dennis: Why don't we, uh, get it on its feet?

I don't do standing-up acting until the dress run.

She doesn't do sitting-down acting, either, as far as I recall.

Oh, isn't bitterness an unattractive quality?

At least I've got a fucking quality, dear.

Dilys: But I've got top billing.

Tony: Are we on script or off script right now?

Dennis: Why don't we, um, channel some of this energy and--and-- and read it one more time?

I don't rehearse after 11 a.m. [Footsteps retreat] Colin: So we went away and we had some thoughts about what job Barbara could do.

Great.

Well, she's got to earn her own keep.

She's modern, independent, free-thinking... Leslie: She's a cat burglar.

[Snaps fingers] Crikey.

Colin: Yes.

So, we thought she could run a ring of lady cat burglars who call themselves, wait for it...

He's coming, he's coming with it.

I'm coming.

Heh heh!

Nickers.

Ha ha!

I salute you.

No, I salute you.

No, I salute you, sir.

Now, now, no disrespect, Miss Straw, but "nickers" with an "N." Yeah, because they nick stuff.

And "nickers" is a very funny word.

Exactly.

Now, did we also say she will be wearing a slinky leather catsuit?

Sophie: Oh.

Mm.

Goodness.

Ronald: Call my agent.

He's generally open before lunch on Tuesdays.

Ask him if Dickie Lester's got back about that thing.

Dennis: Yes, uh, perhaps we could, uh, deal with that later?

I'd like to remind you that we have a dress rehearsal soon in front of the team from the comedy department.

Uh, uh... will there be peonies?

I always have peonies in my dressing room.

Why don't I get peonies in my dressing room?

[Scoffs] Trolly dolly.

Oh, yes!

This, now, this is good.

So... Oh, yeah.

Barbara gets a job as... an air hostess.

Leslie: She wants to marry an airline pilot.

Colin: So, she wants to get to the front of the plane, the, uh, the--the cockpit.

Another funny word.

Colin: Finally, you get there, you go through the special door, and here is the zinger.

[Gasps] The captain's a woman.

What?

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

She gets her skirt caught in the emergency door lock, and then... [Mimics ripping] [Chuckling] she's suddenly in front of the captain and, uh...

In her underwear.

Ah.

[Chuckles] [Colin chuckling] Anyone for a liquid lunch?

Dennis: Uh, no, we should, uh, finish what we're doing here first.

Why bother, innit?

It's a-- It's a fucking joke desert after page seven.

Ha ha ha!

[Hums] I see "Just Barbara" as a sitcom about a modern woman from the north getting into funny situations in swinging London.

Could she still wear the catsuit?

[Sighs] [Bill mumbles] [Dennis sighs] There we are.

As much as I would love to stay in the pub all day playing dominoes, um, we do actually have work to do.

No-- Oh, no.

Most great writers don't get started till they've necked a pint of gin.

Right, Tone?

Dylan Thomas...

Right, yeah.

Yes.

Brendan Behan, Hemingway.

Tony: Yeah, yeah, all brilliant.

Dennis: Yes, and all quite dead.

Tony: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, listen, why--why don't we just have one more?

That's it.

Yeah.

Marj: Come on, just a quick one.

Good.

Oh!

Oh!

Look who it is!

It's Marjorie, Diane, and Sophie.

What a coincidence!

Hey, barman.

Cilla Black: You're my world, you're every breath I take You're my world, you're every move I make Other eyes see the stars [Camera shutters clicking] It's good to see you, Miss Straw.

H-hello, Mr. Mahindra.

Diane: Sophie... Marj: Dennis.

There you are.

I've got a great seat for you.

Another brilliant waistcoat.

How you been?

Just here.

Wonderful.

To the awkward squad.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Bill: We have made the male character a horrible, ranting old bigot.

And as luck would have it, the actor Ronald is a horrible, ranting old bigot.

Bill: Yeah, I'm ready to pack it in and hand the money back, to be honest.

Tony: No, June's already spent half my cash.

You know, she's ordered a massive pram.

I don't know how big she thinks this baby is gonna be, but I reckon I could fit in it.

Ha ha!

You know, you do actually look like a giant, mewling infant.

[Marj chuckling] Tony: Mm.

You smell like one.

Did your mum forget to change your nappy?

Did your mum forget to leave you in a bin?

Oh!

Miss all this sophisticated banter?

I miss it all.

Marj: All right, my round.

What's it gonna be?

There you are.

I'll just grab--oh, God!

Oh, sorry, sorry, miss!

Barmaid: Excuse me.

Geez.

Oh!

I mean, I hope your boyfriend doesn't come over and bash me.

Boyfriend?

Don't be daft.

Oh, your husband, then.

Marj: I wouldn't marry any of that lot.

[Sighs] Ahem.

Just grab these.

Yeah.

Barmaid: All right, love.

What you havin'?

Uh, 3, uh, 3 gin and tonics, a whisky, and two Guinness, please.

Heh!

You don't often see a lady getting the rounds in.

Yeah, well, why not?

Might get paid less, but it's all worth the same, innit?

Well, you've told me.

Heh!

I'm Roger, by the way.

Marjorie.

Marj, if you like.

I do like.

[Chuckles] All right, that is for those two fellas there.

Diane: Really?

Has Marj found a new friend?

Marj: Uh, everyone, this is Roger.

Yes, hello, Roger.

Hello.

Everyone say, "Hi, Roger."

All: Hi, Roger.

Would you like a seat, Rog?

Roger: Uh, no, no, no, it's all right.

My mates are baying for more beer, so I just-- Oh, all right.

Ha ha ha!

Sorry.

The fella over there was saying you're the northern girl off the telly and-- Diane: Oh, no, she gets that all the time.

Northern?

Nah, nah.

Nah, nah, I'm from down the road from Marj.

Dagenham.

Marj: Croydon.

Croydon.

That's the one.

Heh!

Anyways, it's nice to meet you all.

Yes, you, too.

Yep.

Bye, Roger.

Bye, Rog.

[Deep voice] Bye, Roger.

See you, Rog, mate.

Diane: Oh, Marjorie's got a wanker.

Bill: Ding dong.

[Sighs] [Quietly] So, when--when do you think we can...be together?

Well, we're meeting a lawyer, so... [Others chattering] Can't wait.

Bill: Yeah, our sitcom's about a couple getting divorced.

Marj: Right, so I suppose you've made the wife the usual old terrible, naggy trope.

Bill: Actually, Marj, we haven't because it's not... We're surrounded.

Got an idea.

Drink up now.

[The Easybeats' "Fridays on My Mind" playing] Stevie Wright: I'm gonna have fun in the city Background singers: Na na na na, na na na na na Be with my girl, she's so pretty Na na na na, na na na na na She looks fine tonight She is out of sight to me Tonight I'll spend my bread, tonight I'll lose my head, tonight I've got to get tonight Monday, I'll have Friday on my mind Gonna have fun in the city Na na na na, na na na na na I'll be with my girl, she's... Jeremy: Now, we're all agreed that Mrs. Mahindra, uh, or may I say Edith?

M-M-Mrs. Mahindra would like to get a divorce from you, Dennis.

Great.

I mean, not great, but great.

I mean great as in it shouldn't be too complicated.

We just need to sign off on the grounds for divorce, which might be unreasonable behavior, cruelty, incurable insanity, um, desertion, or adultery.

A veritable... unlucky dip.

It's adultery.

Is it?

Great, fantastic, as in that's the quickest route.

So we just need to find from you, um, Dennis, um, the name of the lady who, you know, you, just as the co-respondent-- I'm not the one that's...

Uh, uh... oh, goodness me.

Well, wow--uh, wow.

Well, wow.

And in--in that case, um, M-M-Mrs. M., we need to know from you the sex--sex details.

Edith: Um, no, no.

Sorry, Dennis.

You--you can't divorce me.

I'll be labelled an adulteress.

You know my family.

They'd utterly disown me.

My career would be over.

It would ruin me.

Jeremy: Harlot.

Jezebel!

Slut!

It's true.

Divorced women do get called all sorts of things.

Jeremy?

Yeah?

Does kissing another woman count as grounds for adultery?

Oh, um... oh, my goodness.

As in you-- Not me.

I didn't-- Dennis did.

Does it count?

Well, that's very interesting.

I mean, it would all depend on where you kissed her.

Edith: Outside Television Centre.

Jeremy: No, as in-- I mean, you know, where--where--where abouts on the-- on the, um, on the body.

And also, are there photos?

There are no photos.

We can set up some, um, rudey, rudey pictures.

I mean, I've got a very spicy photographer on my books.

Dennis, are you sure you wouldn't like to broadcast to the world that you're in love with Sophie Straw?

And have her named?

She'd be sacked on the spot, not to mention what the press would do to her.

I'm absolutely sure.

S-s-sorry, just can we--can we just wind back a second?

Y-you're doing it with... S-Sophie Straw, the Sophie Straw?

Ted: We loved the "Nickers" idea, but you put the kibosh on it, so rest assured, you are being heard.

I don't even know what the plot is.

Oh, oh--ahem--I can tell you that.

Heh!

So--ahem--Barbara goes on a string of unsuccessful dates, feels miserable, goes to the doctor to find out what's wrong... falls in love with the doctor.

Who's playing the doctor?

Casting are looking for a Clive Richardson type, but different.

So, basically, you're just trying to rehash "Jim and Barbara"?

Colin and Leslie are professionals.

But they're not girls.

They don't understand what a young woman feels like.

I mean what it's like to be a woman out there on her own in the big city.

Bill and Tony and Dennis included me, and what we did felt right.

Please, can we borrow them back?

They could write under a different name.

Mm!

Perhaps the name "Traitors."

Edith: Please just fuck her, Dennis.

It would solve all our problems.

I mean, whatever you're doing, Dennis, you need to bottle that.

I mean, Edith is, you know, wow, and then, um, well, Sophie Straw is, you know, blimey.

I mean, it's like something from a--a James Bond film.

Sorry, but can we focus?

Yeah.

I want to start a family.

With Vernon Whitfield?

Of course with Vernon.

And if I have them out of wedlock, the children would be bastards.

Obviously.

They're Vernon's.

[Chuckles] I mean, the problem is, because you won't commit adultery, and you won't admit to adultery, you're in a bit of a pickle here.

This is absurd.

I'm going to instruct a proper lawyer.

Oh, come on, that's-- Dennis.

Really?

Edith: Oh, for God's sake!

Now, look, Dennis, sit down.

[Door opens] Listen, Dennis, a word to the wise.

[Door closes] If you don't want to drag her into this, don't get photographed with Sophie Straw.

There's no one on God's earth that will think that you're not... Ahem.

[Opens door] Well, thank you, Dennis.

[Door closes] Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth called, Director General.

Yes, I know who he is.

What does he want?

There's been a serious incident.

Sally White's... having a baby.

Sally White doesn't have a husband.

No, so she borrowed someone else's.

You'll need to find another singer.

Why can't Sally White do a show?

She's pregnant, not contagious.

An expectant woman is not acceptable on television, especially not one that's committed adultery.

Mm.

I notice the bloke's not been named and shamed.

Sophie--ahem-- listen to me.

"Just Barbara" means a lot to me.

I will address every single concern that you have, but you must, must trust me, all right?

[Gargling] Ooh [Gargling continues] Dennis: Um, could we, uh, relieve Ronald of his hip flask, please?

Uh, it, uh, it might require surgery.

Woman: Excuse me, Mr. O'Rourke, can I please take your hip flask?

Fuck off!

Makeup artist: Oh, er, um, Mr. Mahindra doesn't want too much makeup, Miss Waters.

H-he'd like it to feel very, um, real?

Well, Mr. Mahindra can shove his opinion up his very real asshole.

[Pops lips] Dennis: Uh, well, wow.

Dave Munden: Well, if you feel that you can't go on Because all your hope is gone All your hope is gone And your life is filled with much confusion Because happiness is just an illusion Happiness is just an illusion And the world around is tumbling down So, darling Reach out... Comedian: My mother-in-law hung out our washing on the line the other day.

When she pegged out her pants, the neighbors thought it was a total eclipse!

[Audience laughter] Hey, it may not be Christmas, but you're about to set eyes on a right cracker.

[Audience laughter] Dennis: Well, um, thank you all for coming along to this, uh, dress rehearsal of a new comedy called "Battle Lines," written by Tony Holmes and Bill Gardiner, starring Dilys Waters... [Light applause] and Ronald O'Rourke.

Enjoy.

Reach out... Comedian: Here she is, Miss Sophie Straw!

Reach out [Cheering, applause, and whistling] Munden: Ha!

I'll be there to love and... Ronald: I blame Harold Bleedin' Wilson.

He encouraged all these lazy beatniks and long-haired layabouts, so shut your pie hole, you silly old nag.

[Gasps] If you call me a silly-old-billy again, I shall jolly well leave you!

"Silly-old-billy"?

We'd never write that.

She's fucked the joke!

Why can't she just say it how we wrote it?

Ronald: Sitting around on their backsides, enjoying the multiple benefits of the welfare state.

Tony: Here he comes again, the pearly king of Kensington.

Excuse me!

Ronald is the finest character actor of our generation.

His Titus Andronicus was huge!

He can get a cream for that.

[Chuckles] Anyway, a minute ago, you hated the old bastard.

I have never been spoken to like that in my life!

Really?

I'm surprised.

[Gasps] Dennis: Um, can we, uh, reset and, uh, start again from the top?

Yeah, and can we get two proper actors, please, instead of these stuck-up old hams?

[Gasps] Well, I'm sorry we're not as common as dog's muck, you bunch of fucking amateurs!

[Grunts] Dilys: Oh!

[Groans] Ronnie!

[Pops cork] Oh, Jesus.

Marj: Effing hell, Diane!

Diane: I'm coming!

Marj: We are so late!

Sophie: Oh, don't worry.

It hasn't started yet.

I got some posh snacks from Fortnum and Freemason.

Do you fancy a truffle?

Diane: Wait.

What hasn't started yet?

Ooh, me new TV show.

Diane: Oh... Marj: Oh.

Sorry.

Um-- Why have you got your coat on, you giddy goat?

Us union girls are staging a, um, a sit-in.

and it may last all night.

Diane: Yeah.

Sorry, we didn't realize your program was tonight.

Oh, don't worry, honestly.

It's, um, it's less pressure, watching it on your own.

Sit down, Diane.

[Sighs] Sit-in can wait.

Thank you.

[TV static] Tony: All they have to do is let us cast different actors, and "Battle Lines" will be perfect, right, Den?

Stand back.

Pregnant woman coming through.

Mm.

Pregnant?

What?

Every time.

Budge up, Bill.

All right.

Ahem.

Ah.

[TV theme music playing] This is exciting, isn't it?

[Sighs] [Knock on door on TV] Actor: Come here now.

What seems to be the problem?

Sophie: I'm not feeling meself.

Actor: Not feeling yourself?

That's my job.

[Audience laughter] Tony: Oh, my God.

Actor: If you just lie down, I'll get out my equipment.

Sophie: Oh.

[Bill snorts] Sophie: I've heard that one before.

Oh, ho ho!

Sophie.

Actor: And I mean my medical apparatus.

Different writers.

Actor: It's just a long tube with a forked end.

Sophie: You should get that seen to.

Actor: Called a stethoscope.

[Audience laughter] Can you unbutton your shirt?

Sophie on TV: 'Course I can.

How else would I get ready for bed?

They--they said they'd cut that bit out!

Actor: Big breaths.

Sophie: Cheeky.

Oh.

Oh, God.

The old big breaths gag.

Actor: Well, now I'll check your blood pressure.

Do you know what?

You go on out.

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah.

No.

Go on out.

Go on.

Thank you!

Go to your sit on.

Sit-in, babe.

It's a sit-in.

Diane: You did great.

Marj: Know what bus we're getting?

See you later!

See you later!

Bye!

Bye.

[Door closes] [Cheering and applause, theme music playing] [Sighs] Fuck me.

What are we gonna say to Soph?

Could say it was a big achievement.

[Scoffs] The... costumes were nice?

Yeah.

Definitely do that, 'cause we women really love to be patronized.

[Inhales deeply, sighs] Right.

[Sighs] Announcer: And now on TVC-- [Sighs] [Phone ringing] Hello?

Marie: Hello, Barbara.

It's Marie.

Did you see the show?

Yes, yes, yes, we did.

And did-- He--he did.

We did.

He did.

Marie?

You--you shouldn't blame us, Barbara.

Marie, what do you mean?

[Footsteps approaching] Uh... we did our best.

He, uh, we--we didn't mean to cause any-- Marie, no.

Sophie: Marie?

Good-bye!

[Hangs up phone] [Dial tone] Bill: "Without the chemistry of her erstwhile co-star Clive Richardson..." "Miss Straw is cast adrift.

The sitcom..." Stinks!

Well, it's harsh, but true.

No--what the fuck are you eating, June?

Is that a craving?

No.

It's pickled herring.

Try it.

Oh!

I always have that for breakfast.

Heh heh heh!

Jesus.

"Miss Straw mangles the script by seasoned writers Lanagan and Curry."

Yeah, "With garish costumes a size too small..." Ted: "Miss Straw squanders her talent like cheap confetti.

"She seems determined to force on the public "a vulgar version of herself.

"Once a charming ingnue, "she now totters across our screens like a tart at a working-class wedding."

Marj: "'Just Barbara' is Just Bearable."

[Line rings] [Click, line beeping] It's Dennis.

Dennis: I saw the show.

[Sighs] I thought bits of it were... quite charming.

I feel stupid and ashamed.

Well, at least they... put your show out on air.

I mean, that's a huge achievement.

Dennis, that's what people say when they don't know what else to say.

No, no, I--I mean it.

It is an achievement.

I mean, they're not even gonna put our show out.

You're joking.

According to the head of the network, we can't write jokes.

Oh, my God.

Here's me whinging on about my show, and you haven't even got one.

Of course, it's all my fault.

If I hadn't have rushed off to the other side, we'd all still be working together.

Well, if I hadn't screwed things up with Ted Sargent, you wouldn't have had to.

No.

No, none of this is your fault.

You are...faultless.

Hmm.

Wish I could see you.

[Sighs] [Music playing] Go away!

What time is it?

Party time.

I'm not going to a party!

Everyone will be laughing behind me back about "Just Barbara."

Everyone hates me.

Oh, do you know what, Diane?

I think she's right, actually.

Maybe just throw the dress away.

She--she should just disappear, actually.

Maybe go back to Blackpool... Yeah.

and beg for her job back at the rock factory.

I was just trying to make people laugh.

What am I doing wrong?

Three major things, OK?

One, you're a girl.

Two, you dared to be successful.

Don't let the bastards win.

And three, you are hogging the bedroom, and so get your glad rags on and piss off, because I've got Rog coming round for a cuddle.

Ooh!

[Music playing] Sophie: Oh, I didn't bring a bottle.

Diane: Don't worry.

She's got a whole vineyard.

Oh.

Ha ha!

Pandora: So, I said, "Aunt Lilibet, don't be so greedy!"

I mean, how many swans can one woman eat?

Diane, darling!

Oh, look, I'm double-jointed.

Sophie, this is Lady Pandora Erskine Aubigny.

Oh, fuck off.

Everyone calls me Pea.

Oh, you're delicious!

I could bite you!

Come on.

[Indistinct chatter] Cocking hell!

[Singers harmonizing] Oh, oh, I'm not a fan of the big cigs, Pea.

I--I'll play it safe with the cake.

What's this party in aid of, then?

Or is it just a normal weekday night at Pandy's?

Diane: This party is for her boyfriend, Charlie.

He just came back from Wormwood Scrubs.

Heh!

Is he a prison warden?

He was doing time for GBH.

Oh.

Ha ha!

[Man laughs raucously] Relax and hang loose, Soph.

No one is laughing at you behind your back.

Too busy watching their own.

Hmm.

Is there a buffet?

Over there.

Excuse me.

Is that the buffet?

[Sitar playing] Oh, has that gone off?

Hmm.

It's just cheap.

Aristos always cut corners with caviar.

Spend it on the scag instead.

Caviar?

Wow!

Get in.

Wow.

Heh!

I wouldn't have thought unfertilized sturgeon roe was your thing.

[Sniggers] Sophie: Ooh.

Bog off!

Well, you can take the girl out of Blackpool.

Sophie: Oh!

Ooh.

Back home, we'd throw that bit away.

I'm sorry.

I would shake your hand, but it's covered in dead fish egg.

I'm Sophie.

I know.

I'm a fan.

Well, you're probably the only one left.

Well, it's not often you get to see genuine working-class single girls like us on TV.

You really have blazed a trail.

That's not what the press are saying.

They hated my new show.

You know, most of Fleet Street are just a bunch of bitter old boys who know they will never get the chance to boff a girl like you.

[Chuckles] I'm Lynda, by the way.

Oh, crikey, Lynda.

You speak your mind.

Your mum and dad must be so proud of what you've achieved.

I read that you are very close to your dad.

Mm-hmm.

Family, though.

Mm.

Really, that's all that matters.

You don't know who you can trust.

Exactly.

You know, we should meet up, chat some more.

Us professional women, we should stick together.

Here.

Don't get yourself down about the negative press.

Every big star goes through it.

You'll toughen up, darling.

I'll drink to that.

Hmm.

Cheers.

Man: Are you working on a new routine, or just trying to sit down?

Ooh.

Everything's gone a bit spinny.

Heh!

Yeah, that would be, uh, dear Pandora's famous brownies.

Oh, they're lovely.

I've had about seven.

[Chuckles] Got any water?

[Gulps] Uh, sorry, just a bottle of red.

This one's a little bit on the broad side, with a pretty unrefined finish.

Oh, I think a TV critic recently said that about me.

Ha ha ha!

And here I am, sounding like a pretentious wine asshole.

I--I'll look for some water for you--I--oh.

Mm.

Very nice.

It's an honor to meet you, Sophie Straw.

How do you know about me?

You're American.

That sounded like an accusation.

You're big news.

[Scoffs] Who are you with?

Uh, me mate, Diane.

No, no, no.

I mean--heh!--I mean, who--who's your agent?

Oh.

Heh!

Um, uh, no one.

My last agent had big plans for me, which mainly turned out to be big plans for him.

I reckon I don't need another person in me life telling me what to do and taking 10%.

I never tell my clients what to do, I lightly encourage.

And I don't take 10%.

I take 15.

You're a Hollywood agent!

[Gasps] Have you met Lucille Ball?

Uh, indeed I have.

[Gasps] Could you introduce me to her?

Uh--heh!--I don't represent her, sadly, but, um... Oh.

Yeah, at the risk of sounding like my own agent, um, I'm considered to be rather good.

But you're not looking, and I only represent movie stars, so... Oh, what, you don't think I could be a movie star?

I didn't say that.

Heh!

[Clock chimes] Ah, the witching hour.

My chariot awaits to take me back to the Clarence.

Can I give you a ride anywhere?

If I--if I wanted to get a ride in your chariot, it would involve me getting out of this chair, and quite frankly, I'd rather you remember me like this.

I don't think I'll forget.

Hmm.

Oh!

Whoa!

[Party sounds distort and echo] Ha ha ha ha!

[Animal bleating] [Hoof beats approach] [Collar bell dinging] [Footsteps approach] [Groans] Are you all right, darling, hmm?

You've gone a rather groovy shade of green.

I had too many chocolate slices.

Oh, yes, the hashish brownies.

I bunged all the good shit I had left into the magi-mix.

[Groans] You're adorable.

Why don't you stay and sleep it off, darling?

In fact, why don't you just stay as long as you like?

Here.

[Sets down keys] I'm off to the Scottish pile.

Use the place as your own.

I've got a murder trial at 9 a.m. Mwah!

Mwah.

And don't forget to feed Samantha!

Who's Samantha?

The snake.

You'll find her.

[Footsteps retreat] There's a snake.

Now, the reason I've called you back is I've spoken to my senior divorce experts, and they have found a loophole.

Hmm.

Where is me loophole?

There's always a loophole.

Uh... yeah.

Well, you separate, you and Mrs. Mahindra.

You live like a monk and a nun.

Um, you'll obviously be the monk, which means absolutely no, uh...

Please stop doing that.

Yes, that's what my wife says.

And then, after three years, your divorce will come through, on the grounds of legal separation, and you are free to marry again.

Three years?

Three years.

Not bad, is it?

I shall get my clerks, to, uh, draw up the papers.

Uh, don't have clerks.

I'll write up the papers.

Ted: Critically, we took a tumble, but the ratings were very respectable.

We didn't take a tumble.

I did.

I did suggest we bring back Clive Richardson.

I don't want Clive.

I want Bill and Tony and Dennis.

You can't have them, and you're under contract.

Well, you're gonna have to speak to my agent.

You don't have an agent.

Eunice?

Eunice: Yes?

Call the Clarence, please.

[Line ringing] [Sighs] [Line continues ringing] Hmm.

[Phone ringing] Hello.

Marc Allen.

Hi, Marc.

It's Sophie.

Who?

Straw.

Sophie Straw?

Marc: Oh, yeah.

Did you manage to get out of that chair?

Yeah, I'm here with the Head of Light Entertainment.

And you're telling me this because...

I need a bit of a helping hand here, Marc.

Heh!

Oh, you need a professional favor.

That's like, um, me asking you to put on a free Broadway show.

Oh, Broadway show.

Yeah, I'd be delighted.

But, no, I didn't offer that-- And with Sammy Davis Jr.?

I've always wanted to work with him.

The Director General just called.

Sophie, I--I got to go.

Uh... Eunice: We have to announce a replacement for Sally White immediately.

Marc: Hello?

Hello?

Dusty.

Disappeared.

Marc: Sophie?

Oh.

She's probably, um... In the middle of nowhere Uh, uh, what about Petula Clarke?

Petula's in Paris.

Oh, she's been hanging out... Downtown Where all the lights are bright Lulu.

[Trilling] Well Sophie: Ted.

Female singer: You know you Make me want to shout Shout Look, my hand's jumping Shout Look, my heart's bumping Shout Throw my hands back Shout Eunice, could you get me the Director General, please?

Marc: Sophie?

Sophie?

Oh.

Marc: You've either been hired or fired, but great audition, kid.

Eunice: Ted Sargent for Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth.

Stop by and see me sometime.

[Whispers] Thank you.

Ted: Mm.

Director General, how are you, sir?

Fine, thank you.

I, uh, just wanted to let you know that I think I've found the perfect replacement for Sally White.

Sandie Shaw: Oo-ee, baby, baby On one condition--oh!

[Thud] Shaw: I am so much in love With you And guard all the love... Den!

I was just coming to find you.

I was just coming to find you.

I've got some news.

I've got news!

I've just managed to get you and the boys back on the show!

Heh!

We can all be together!

Den!

[Car departs] The divorce is gonna take three years.

What?

Why?

'Cause Edith won't agree, and that's the law.

Well, I'll wait.

We can... we can still see each other, still be together.

Yes, but to everyone else, I would still be married.

They can mind their own bloody business.

If we were to be together, you would lose everything.

Oh, so I don't get a choice!

I don't care about everyone else!

I just want to be with you!

Sophie: You're my world, you're every breath I take You're my world You're every move I make Other eyes see the stars Up in the sky But for me they shine Within your eyes As the trees reach for the sun Above So my arms reach out to you For love With your hand Resting in mine I feel a power So divine You're my world You are my night And day You're my world, you're every prayer I pray If our love Ceases to be Then it's the end of my world End of my world End of my world For Me [Crowd cheering, applauding, and whistling]