Draper's Tours Mysteries

(rain pattering) (thunder crackling) (door opens) (thunder crackles) (door closes) (suspenseful music) (thunder crackles) (hand tapping) (thunder crackles) (gentle orchestral music) (thunder crackles) (gentle orchestral music continues) - Are you in there?

Have you come to us?

Oh, my goodness.

You're here.

Do you know what you are?

You're the first ever confirmed egg of the African Mud Dribbler.

We thought you were extinct.

(twig snaps) (egg cracks) (yolk squelches) Oh.

(thunder crackles) (Mary sighs) Sorry about your sister.

Or brother.

(walkie talkie beeps) Hi.

Neil?

It's Mary.

They've nested!

Oh, and it seems you were wrong, um, they only lay one egg.

(walkie talkie beeps) (static crackling) Hello?

(walkie talkie beeps) (static crackling) Okay, if you're not listening, I'll see you back at the caravan.

(walkie talkie beeps) (static crackling) Don't know why I'm still talking, no one can hear me.

(walkie talkie beeps) (thunder crackles) Oh, hello.

You out for a midnight stroll too?

(Mary chuckles) Swingball?

Ground's a bit hard for that, I think.

What would you ram the spike into?

(blood squelches) (pole rasps) (blood squelches) Watch out, here I come You spin me right round, baby, right round Like a record, baby, right round, round, round You spin me right round, baby, right round Like a record, baby, right round, round, round Wah, oh - Is that Terry singing we can hear?

- Well, it's either that or he's sat on his keys again.

- You're supposed to have picked us up from the home by now.

We want to get to Middlesbrough, Gemma.

Hilda's sister's funeral starts in two hours.

- Please hurry, Gemma.

I want to have a rifle through her things before all the good stuff goes.

- Your grief is tangible, Hilda.

- We're just round the corner, girls.

- You wish.

It was that bloody storm.

Washed all the roads out.

God only knows where we are.

- Well, you'd better be quick, or we're not coming to your wedding.

- Oh, you won't want to miss the wedding.

Terry's planning it all himself.

- It's gonna be amazing, ladies, dead classy!

You heard of them chocolate fountains?

We're having a gravy fountain, surrounded by veg.

- Yeah.

Like I said, you're not gonna want to miss it.

- Wedding.

At mine, I got food poisoning and splattered right on the hem of my dress.

- Hello?

Mildred?

- [Hilda] Please, please, please, please, please, please- - Hello?

- Please, please, please- - Signal's gone, we're in the middle of nowhere.

- There's a lot of lights flashing on that dashboard.

(lights clicking) - How many times, Gemma?

The lights are just a guideline!

I mean, look at it, that one says that the emergency exit door's open, but how can it be?

I gaffer-taped it shut.

Believe me, nothing wrong with this coach.

(explosion booms) (Gemma screams) - Why did you have to say that?

It's listening to you.

- All right, then, we'll pull in here, but it can't be anything important.

We only had it serviced seven years ago.

- Shady Creek?

Keep going, don't stop.

Huh?

(screams) (Gemma and Terry screaming) (foot stomps) (tires screeching) - Please work!

Please work!

(bus hissing) - Oh!

Oh.

Oh, oh.

Are you all right?

You're covered in blood!

- Blood?

Oh, no, no, it's ragu.

- What?

- I was making a fresh batch and I heard a bang and dropped the pot.

You can have a taste if you want.

- What?

- Go on, lick me, anywhere you like.

- Oh, Jesus, God save me.

- [Gemma] It's all right, Terry, it's ragu.

- Oh, great.

For a minute there, I thought something really weird was going on.

(buss hissing) - What's wrong with your bus?

- It's nothing.

We'll find a services or something and get it looked at there, but we're definitely leaving.

I'm really sorry to bother you, but bye now, bye.

- No, there's nothing around here.

I'll show you to the carpark.

It's not far.

Welcome to Shady Creek.

And to you, welcome back.

(mysterious music) (water dripping) (birds chirping) (brakes squealing) (bus hisses) - Right, can you fix it quickly?

I just want to get out of here.

- Gemma, Gemma, I know this coach like the back of my hand, okay?

Just let me sort it.

We'll be back on the motorway in two ticks.

(door opens) (bus hissing) Yeah.

We're stuck here.

- Nope, no, no, no way.

Not here.

Ringing the recovery services, or we're getting a taxi.

Or we're walking.

Or we're running.

Oh.

- Red really, um, suits you.

- Oh, bloody hell.

Can't get a signal.

- No, not here.

Come to reception, use the landline.

The others will want to see you.

- The others are waiting.

(mysterious music) (birds chirping) - I'm telling you now what I told you before, we do not have rats here.

We prefer to call them urban badgers.

- A magical wilderness memory, provided at no extra cost!

- You hear that?!

No extra cost.

You're receiving free badgers off me!

(handset clacks) (door closes) Welcome, welcome, everyone, to Shady Creek Caravan Park.

- A luxury spa, static lodge village, nature experience center.

(Evie chuckles) Susan.

You're moist.

What's happened?

- I had a ragu incident, but I'm fine.

I'll go back, scoop it up, get it Tupperwared.

- Go and hose yourself off!

Welcome.

Once you visit Shady Creek, you'll find yourself coming back time and time again.

They all do.

Don't they, Gemma?

(mysterious music) - Oh, do you know Gemma, then?

- No, she doesn't.

She probably thinks I'm someone else.

(Gemma chuckles) I've got one of those faces, like everyone's got a...

I've got an everyone face.

- Oh, Gemma.

Gemma.

How could I forget our favorite ever guest?

(mysterious music) - I used to come here on my holidays.

- Oh, shush, shush.

Gemma, your hair, it's massive.

- Mm.

Well, it was the '90s, it was all about volume back then.

Look, can you just call the recovery people?

- Gemma, to what do we owe this honor?

- Oh, we've had a breakdown.

(both chuckling) - I've had one or two myself since the last time I saw you.

- What do you mean, all the roads are washed out?

No, I can't just turn on a television.

Well, because I'm nowhere near a television!

In fact, I think I'm near to Twilight Zone.

- [Evie] TV?

(remote clicks) - I'm Jane McDonald, and I want you to enjoy my Secretions.

- [Announcer] Now you can enjoy Secretions for men, from Jane's glands to your hands.

(remote clicks) - And we are happy to report that the storm is reaching its end.

(Gemma sighs) - Thank God.

- But the rains have caused their usual flooding, cutting off many areas of the region for the foreseeable future.

(remote clicks) (Evie chuckles) - [Evie] You're gonna be staying with us.

What fun, eh, Jed?!

- No, no, it's fine, we'll sleep on the coach.

With the doors closed and locked.

- I'll tell you what, Evie, why don't we put them in number four?

You're in luck, number four's just had its toilet sealed back up.

Mostly.

- Mostly, mostly.

(Jed chuckles) (mysterious music) (birds chirping) (bird squawking) (birds chirping) - Lovely caravan, number four.

I sometimes sleep in it myself if Evie and I are arguing.

So if you find a pair of underpants in the bed, don't you worry.

They'll be mine.

- Good customer feedback, then?

- Uh, it's just local kids.

Last year, they did a gentleman's private parts on the crazy golf course.

Looked as if it was filling the water hazard.

(Jed chuckles) - [Neil] I see you've conned another hapless couple into staying in one of your mobile fire hazards.

(leaves rustling) - This is Professor Neil Higginbottom.

Got him down from the university.

He thinks there may be a rare bird nesting on the site.

Could turn this whole place into a nature reserve, by which I mean middle-class gold mine.

Ka-ching.

(chuckles) - Always looking for the fast buck, Jed.

It's people like you who have ruined this world.

You've no dignity, have you?

(leaves rustling) - Ignore him.

He is something of an eco-warrior.

And here we are.

- Oh.

- I'll give you the keys, Terry, save the little lady from losing them.

- Oh.

(keys jingling) Bit misogynistic.

Don't you think that's kind of an attitude from the '70s?

- Which is the way we like to do things around here.

Thanks for noticing.

(Jed chuckles) (Gemma sighs) (door opens) - [Gemma] Oh.

(fly buzzing) (door closes) - [Terry] Drink?

- [Gemma] Drink?

Maybe several.

Ugh.

(spray can rattling) (door opens) - Oh, I forgot.

(door closes) The bloke with the white doves says we can't have them for the wedding.

- [Gemma] Oh.

- But he says we can spray paint a pigeon if we want to.

- Oh, wow.

What a day it's gonna be, fountains of gravy and animal cruelty.

Yay.

- Clive!

You've just ruined that sofa!

Oh!

And why?!

Because you couldn't be bothered going to the toilet!

- Is everything all right?

- No, it's not.

My husband is a filthy animal.

He's just done his business where he knows it's forbidden.

You can't just defecate where you want, can you?

- I feel this is one of them situations where they're best left to sort it by themselves.

- Oh, typical man.

You all stick together, don't you?

Oh, it's lovely having a wife, but when it comes down to it, it's the brothers of the penis club that comes before anyone else.

- I'm not in the penis club.

- He's not.

(ominous music) - He's supposed to poo in the box, like a good boy should.

Do you hear me, Clive?!

I am not your slave!

Look at me when I'm talking to you, Clive!

- Ah, he probably doesn't know any better.

He's just a tortoise.

- He's my husband.

When Clive died, he put his spirit into that tortoise.

I knew as soon as I walked into that pet shop.

You can tell by the eyes.

- Oh.

Yeah, they could be twins.

Yeah.

I mean, the tortoise does have a smaller head, obviously.

- Do you think?

(mysterious music) Are you staying long, then?

- No, but just till tomorrow when the recovery services get here.

If God hears my prayers.

- You'll not be leaving tomorrow, or the next day.

Nobody leaves.

Except that family last week.

They left.

Something about maggots in the sandpit.

(mysterious music) (Mary yelps) (Mary screams) - [Gemma] What was that?

- Could be anything round here.

Probably foxes having it off.

- So, staying long, or can you not see that far into the future?

- I live here.

Permanent resident.

And nothing and no one is going to make Clive and me leave.

So, if you see Jed, you might remind him of that.

Not leaving.

Him and his bloody celebrity friend.

- Whoa!

Oh, sorry, buddy.

I'm just, uh, just out for my run.

(woman speaking in foreign language) (man speaking in foreign language) - Gorgeous.

- What?

- What?

Nothing.

- This is Chad.

He's American.

Just got here yesterday.

Apparently, a lot of his problems are to do with his father.

He'll tell you all about it if you let him, and if you don't.

- Sorry.

Always been my problem.

I let my boundaries down too quick.

In many ways, I think it's a way to rush the intimacy I was refused as a child.

- And we're off again.

- Hi.

I'm Gemma.

- Hey.

- This is my friend, Terry.

- "Friend"?

Fiance.

- Oh.

- Let's hug it up, big guy.

Real men aren't afraid to bond.

- Ah, Terry's not really a hugger.

(Gemma laughs) I am.

(Chad sighs) - We're gonna be friends.

- Don't count your chickens.

I need the bar.

Now.

- I'll come with you.

You know, my therapist says I need to spend more time talking to someone that's not her.

(Gemma laughs) (water trickling) - Excuse me!

We need another caravan because the one you've given us is icky.

Icky.

I'm standing here covered in ick.

There's fleas in the towels.

- Oh, well, we know that they're clean fleas, then.

They must have just jumped out from the shower.

Nothing but the best at Shady Creek.

- No.

Sorry, no.

We booked this in good faith.

Our faith was good and we have now lost that faith.

Now, I've spoken to my husband Phil about this at length, but the more I talk, the angrier he has got, and look at him.

So I'm gonna have to calm Phil down now because if he kicks off, you will not like it.

It's all right, babe, don't worry.

No one forgets one of Phil's tongue-lashings.

He lashed me with his tongue once and I have never forgotten it.

- Yes, I imagine you wouldn't.

- Easy now, my love, remember, we have each other.

One heart, two people, four legs.

One purpose.

- And not a brain cell between them.

Oh, Gemma!

Glass of bubbly, to celebrate your return to us?

- Champagne.

- Mm.

- Here, really?

- Well, very nearly.

Think of it as Prosecco-ish.

Albanian.

They have a ridiculously strict health code over there, so, officially, it's banned, but once you get used to the after taste, it's really rather cheeky.

- [Evie] Mm.

- It's not that bad, actually.

(Gemma gasps) Oh.

- Burns, doesn't it?

- Yeah.

(Jed chuckles) - My teeth have gone soft.

- I have pain, and it's not emotional.

It's real.

- Help.

Help!

My tongue's swelling.

No, no, oh, my god, it's no good.

Just take me back to the caravan and we can find a dock leaf for me to suck on.

You, mark my words, this is not finished.

- If you're wanting something to compliment the flavor, we've matched it with these vegan scotch eggs.

I've had to substitute all the animal products for something else, so it's a breaded ball of bread with bread in the middle.

Jed described them as- - A bit bready.

- That's right.

A little bit bready.

(mysterious music) (hand slapping) (door opens) - Jed!

(door slams) Big news.

We've had a report our bird is flying in this direction.

We should have a sighting any day now.

Success is ours and David Attenborough can kiss my dangly bits.

- Oh, god.

Not this bloody sparrow thing again.

- Professor Neil Higginbottom.

I won't ask your name, hardly relevant.

- We've met before.

- Yes, yes, you're welcome.

And the African Mud Dribbler is not just some sparrow, Evie.

If we can prove it migrates to this area, this whole place will be a protected wildlife site.

They might even rename it after me.

Higginbottom's Dribbler.

- That would shut old H from Steps up.

- H from Steps?

(Gemma gasps) Is he the celebrity friend Edna was telling us about?

- Thinks he can buy me out.

Not a chance.

And he's no friend of mine.

We're members of the same Rotary Club and I won't speak ill of a fellow Rotarian.

- It's the Rotarian way.

- But he's an arse.

- Absolute arse.

- More like arse from Steps.

- Wants to turn this place into a theme park.

It would ruin the natural beauty of Shady Creek.

- Oh, that reminds me, the cesspool's overflowing again.

- When Professor Neil here finds my bird, you'll have the best bloody cesspool this side of the Pennines.

- Don't get ahead of yourselves, we need a confirmed sighting first.

I've got cameras all over the forest, streaming back to my laptop, but I need to see it with my own eyes.

Then we'll have the whole bird-watching community down here.

- You hear that, Evie?

Can you imagine this place full of birdwatchers?

- Oh, brilliant.

A bar full of people with not so much as a shaved leg or tuppence in sight.

- Yes, I'm not a fan either, Evie.

They've been laughing at me for years.

(Neil chuckles) Let's see how hard they laugh when I show them my Dribbler.

Sorry, good to see you in the flesh, Gemma.

Smaller hair than usual.

Hm.

(door opens) (door closes) - He's right about one thing.

It's nice to see you, Gemma.

- Oh, god, no.

Oh Mysterious girl, I want to get close to you (Darren grunts) Oh!

(both chuckling) - Do you want another Babycham?

- Another?!

- Mm-hm.

(Gemma chuckles) - All right, just don't tell my mum.

- Oh, didn't tell her how your legwarmers ended up in my caravan, now did I?

- Shh.

(Darren chuckles) (Gemma chuckles) - Gemms, wow.

You have the most bobbles I've ever seen on a human head.

- I can't feel my scalp.

(both chuckling) - Mm, ah.

(Darren growls) (Gemma purrs) (Darren chuckles) - Oh.

- I love you.

(upbeat music) - [Gemma] Oh.

- Is he having a fit?

- No, he's body popping.

It was quite the thing back then, but couldn't really do it then either.

- It's good to have you back, baby girl.

Huh?

Huh?

- Hello, Darren.

- We were teenagers back then, but I've never forgotten you, I've kept myself pure for you.

There's been a lot of other women that have wanted me, but I've always said, "Nah, no way."

It's just, I'm Gemma's.

Eh?

(blubbers) (Darren chuckles) - Hello, I'm Terry.

Gemma's fiance, that means we're getting married soon.

- Ah, Darren, activities coordinator and Gemma's first.

That means I was the first to, you know.

- Yeah, I, yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what do you do, Terry?

Are you gonna tell me that you were the one that won the 1993 Regional Rollerskate Ram-Jam Roller Riot, sponsored by Spigotts Sausages?

Do you like to ride the foot rockets, little man?

Or do those eight wheels make you drop your ass?

- My ass is firmly in my own hands, thank you very much.

(Darren chuckles) - Really?

Let's get on the rink, then, and see what you're made of.

- Fine.

- Winner gets Gemma.

- Sounds reasonable.

- Hm?

- Uh, hello?

Terry?

I'm not a thing to be won.

- Mm.

- No.

Sorry love.

- [Darren] Mm.

You heard the lady.

She's nobody's prize.

(Gemma sighs) - To the rink, then.

(birds chirping) (bird squawking) (jacket rustling) - Hm.

(door closes) Oh, dear god.

This is just awful.

It's Y-O-U apostrophe R-E!

Honestly, the education system in this country... Mary!

Are you back yet?

There are some awful new guests, didn't catch their names.

Where are you?

Mary!

Gemma's back!

Tiny hair this time.

- Right, I've got everything here, should you need it, dressing-up stuff.

Now, these we had to blunt, although once the dust had settled, we gave the little lad a pirate costume.

By then, he'd had the eye patch.

Do you still like a pirate costume, Gemma?

I seem to remember you enjoyed having your Jolly Rogered.

Ho, ho, ho.

(Darren chuckles) - "Ho, ho, ho"?

- I didn't.

Actually, I get a bit seasick these days, Darren.

Prefer to travel by coach.

- Yeah.

She likes it when I make the wheels on the bus go round- - You don't always have to talk, Terry.

- Round.

- Mary!

Mary!

A hand?

Who throws away a hand?

(suspenseful music) (bag rustles) (Neil gasps) Mary.

Swingball?

Oh, didn't even know they still made those.

(sword gasps) (Neil chuckles) (Neil screams) Looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight - Oh, looks like we might have a nonstarter in Gemma's dance partner.

Might have to cut in there and get the old team back together again, huh?

(wall rattles) I think I might go and get my championship winning skates from the caravan.

Tez!

Hey, Tez, don't go too far without me.

- Oh, I must admit, I'm having a whale of a time at your creepy childhood holiday paradise.

(Gemma laughs) - Just let yourself go.

Give in to the skate.

- The skates aren't the problem.

Gravity that's the enemy.

- You're trying.

And that's why I love you.

- One question.

Was you attracted to him because of his Australian accent?

Look, I know loads of women find Aussie men really sexy.

- The accent?

He puts it on.

Terry, he's from Barnsley.

Anyway, I don't look for an accent in a man, I look for a soulmate.

And I found mine.

- Come here, you.

(body thuds) (door opens) (record scratches) - There's been a murder!

- Oh, well, of course there has!

- Oh, my god, what's happened?!

- Mary, my assistant, she's dead!

She's out at the recycling center, if you can call it that.

And he's chasing me, the murderer.

What if he kills me?

What then?

Who will they name the Dribbler after?

You?!

You're just a nobody.

It'll be Nobody's Dribbler.

He's found me.

Bugger staying here with you lot.

It's every man for himself!

Good luck to you all!

(door opens) (door closes) (birds chirping) (suspenseful music) (Neil gasps) (sword rasps) (rope snaps) (rope whooshes) (boat rumbling) (Neil screams) (boat thuds) (blood squelches) (Gemma screams) - Oh!

- Oh, you're on me hair!

You're on me hair.

(dinghy squeaking) (Chad crying) He was being chased, he said.

He told us that Mary is dead somewhere in the recycling center too.

- Guys, the tears you see are not of sadness or fear, they are happy tears because I am grateful for the challenge this is going to give me to emotionally work through.

(Chad cries) - If he starts playing a flute, I'll throw myself in that creek.

- Here we go, everyone.

I thought I might sooth your grief with my famous spiced hot chocolate.

Can't tell you which spice though because the label fell off the jar, but I've been getting hints of Madras, so it could have some kick.

- Look, I think we can all agree that accidents will happen.

- No.

We are not doing this again.

- Sorry?

- Well, it's always the same thing.

Somebody dies in a weird way and then somebody says, "Oh, it were just an accident."

Then the next thing you know, me and Gemma are on a sinking ship, or being attacked by a psychotic serial killer with a knife.

Well, no way!

Look, we saw someone.

- And I thought I was wound tightly.

- This is it.

- What?

- The one where we die.

We're marooned with a murderer on something that isn't even usually an island.

An island, island, island... - [Radio DJ] And reports coming in of people still cut off all over the region, including Shady Creek Caravan Park, where I did a road show last year I still haven't been paid for.

Here's Kajagoogoo.

(hands tapping) - No, Phil, I'm not enjoying this.

Just do it the way I like it.

Use your hands to reflexologize the memory of the dead body away from me.

(door opens) - Well, I've spoken to the police and they still can't get to us.

But they've asked us to keep the body as fresh as we can, so I've got Susan to wrap him in clingfilm.

(Susan grunts) - He'll keep for three to five days if we're lucky.

I'll put him back in his caravan.

The cold will do him no harm now.

(body thuds) (Susan grunting) (body thuds) (Susan grunts) (Susan panting) (body thuds) (Susan grunts) (body thuds) - You know, I'm thinking, we've seen this kinda thing before.

We should actually investigate this.

Do it properly.

- No.

(body thuds) Not this time.

We always get involved, Gemma, and it never works out for us.

We always end up getting nearly killed.

I mean, death stalks us.

Our company logo might as well be the Grim bloody Reaper driving that coach.

Well, not me.

No, not this time.

- So what are you gonna do, then?

- Well... (Terry slurps) (Terry exhales) (helmet knocking) - Terry?

You all right?

You having a moment?

- I'm fine, Gemma.

I'm seeing things clearly.

I'm gonna sit here, right here, just watch everything unfold.

People will die, I know, but not us.

Just grab yourself a kayaking helmet and just waddle in behind me.

- So that's your plan, is it?

- Yep.

- That's fine, but when you do that whole Poirot thing, really sorta gets me going.

In a very real, physical sense.

(paddle thuds) - We should investigate immediately.

(birds chirping) Now, these are all our suspects.

Staff, guests, an excitable pop star.

- [Gemma] H from Steps.

- So, can we get started on the romance?

And get this couch folded out into a double bed?

- We have to figure out how they're all connected.

We need a notebook to write down all our clues.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Not my wedding notebook.

Well, this is roadmap to a day of beauty, not a book of death.

- Terry, can we concentrate on the case?

Ooh, it's our first case.

We're like proper detectives.

Gemma Draper and Terry Bremmer Investigations.

"Stop right there, punk.

Bremmer and Draper are here."

Pew.

- Hey, once we're married, we'll be Bremmer and Bremmer.

- Oh, god, I'm gonna be Gemma Bremmer, aren't I?

- Yeah.

You'll be the better half of the happiest couple in the whole wide world.

The Bremmers.

- Right.

No one's even bothered to examine Mary's body at the recycling center.

I'm gonna go and see what I can learn from it.

You go down and snoop around reception.

Something's going on here, Terry.

- Gemma, you can't just go waltzing round when there's a killer on the loose.

(door knocking) - [Gemma] Answer it.

- What if it's the killer?

- Tell him we're not in.

- [Chad] It's just me, guys.

- Ah, it's Chad.

- Definitely tell him we're not in.

- [Gemma] Hiya.

- What are you guys doing?

- Nothing.

Just having a quiet- - We're gonna catch the murderer, Chad.

I'm off to the recycling center to examine Mary's body.

- Gemma, no, it's too dangerous.

- I'll go with her, if that'll help.

- See?

Chad'll go with me.

Gonna be like my own bodyguard.

(Gemma chuckles) - Gemma.

How can we be sure that Chad's not the killer?

- No way.

I am strictly nonviolent.

- Well, I don't want you having a nonviolent bodyguard.

- If it comes to it, Terry, I'll just talk to the guy and see where we can bond.

Maybe his father never interfaced with him properly either.

Lots of room for discussion.

- [Gemma] Aw.

- Fine, go.

If the killer turns up, you just run and Chad can psychoanalyze him into submission.

- Mm.

(hands patting) (door opens) - God, I know it's wrong with her.

I really hope he's the next to die.

(cap clicks) (spray can hissing) - So, do you guys do this a lot?

Solve murders?

- Well, we've never actually solved one.

But we have been there when quite a few of them have happened, and I watch loads of "CSI," so... Do you think Mary's body will help us find out who the murderer is?

- Oh, I think you're gonna get real close to the killer this time.

(ominous music) - We should be careful.

Apparently, sometimes, the killer likes to return to the scene of the crime.

- Yeah.

To admire just how perfectly they had hunted their prey.

(Chad inhales) (tense music) - Oh, my god, Susan!

What are you doing here?

(Gemma yelps) - I've come to clingfilm Mary.

But if you've got business with her, I'll come back later.

Tidy her up a bit.

(ominous music) (Gemma whimpers) - Gemma?

- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Using all my energy not to wet myself.

(gentle music) (bin banging) - Working out?

Yeah?

I do Pilates.

Well, I watched the DVD, which is...

It's half the battle, isn't it?

(gentle music continues) (door opens) (door closes) (fly buzzes) - I'm sorry, I just can't.

- Gemma, you can do this.

Find your central power.

Now, would they do this on "CSI"?

- Well, of course they wouldn't.

The episode would be a lot shorter if they did.

- Then let's get in here and find out what happened to this poor woman.

- All right.

(ominous music) (fly buzzing) - There's something in her hand.

What is it?

(mysterious music) (fly buzzes) - Oh.

It's... (egg cracks) It was an egg.

They had found the bird.

Maybe whoever killed Mary and Neil didn't want anyone to know that.

(door opens) - Let's get back to the park.

- I can't.

My hand's stuck in Mary's hand.

- I'll get a stick.

Lever it open.

- Yeah.

If you could bring me mum back as well, that would be really nice, thank you.

(ominous music) - Bloody hell.

(cellphone ringing) (cellphone clicks) - Terry, we're still waiting.

We've been sat here for hours.

- Mildred, Hilda, now is not a good time.

- The buffet will have gone by now.

I was looking forward to a deviled egg.

I've taken my tablets for my back end and everything.

- Signal's terrible, remember?

You might get a call, but then it dies as soon as it starts.

Like a lot of things round here.

- Right.

(rack clatters) (birds chirping) (ominous music) Wasn't there before.

(object clatters) Somebody inside.

Be brave or run away.

Be brave or run away?

What would Gemma do?

(object clatters) She'd go inside.

Suppose that means I'll have to go inside.

Bugger.

(door opens) Gemma, what are you doing?

- [Gemma] Gathering evidence.

- [Terry] Or some might say stealing.

- Neil won't mind, he's all clingfilmed up, isn't he?

(objects clattering) (Gemma gasps) I found Mary.

Neil was right.

Killed by a Swingball.

Took some pictures for our records.

- What's this?

- Terry.

Will you look at the bigger picture here?

We are hunting a murderer.

We could die tonight.

- Look, calm down.

(Gemma sighs) We're safe.

We're together.

- Terry, I've just held hands with a dead woman.

- Oh, god!

I mean, you poor thing.

I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

- Aw.

Mm, come here.

You're so sweet sometimes.

- Oh.

- Right.

(Terry yelps) (mysterious music) (both sighing) Right, so what do we know about the case?

(Terry sighs) - Two bodies.

- Yup.

- Caravan park full of weirdos.

For all we know, all of them could have done it.

Saw Phil beating up a bin.

- A bin?

- Not everyone likes to recycle, I suppose.

And Susan sorta threatened me, but I think that might just be her way.

But I did find the accounts for the park.

Jed said they were doing really well, but he's full of it.

They're nearly bankrupt.

- You sure?

- Gemma, I've seen enough nearly bankrupt accounts to be sure.

I do our accounts, don't I?

- Well, Neil did say he had remote cameras recording to his laptop.

We might see something here.

- Yeah, but it's just gonna be locked with some kind of password.

- I can get round that.

Got round yours in about five minutes.

(keyboard clicking) - On my laptop?

- [Gemma] Mm-hm.

- It's new, isn't it?

Not new to me.

I got it from Cash Converters.

Now, they said they'd wiped it, but you never can tell, can you?

Could be all manner of filth on that that.

- We'll talk about that later.

- I'll look forward to it.

(laptop chimes) - And I'm in.

Yes!

- Yay.

- Let's see what we can see.

Right, let's see what's in this folder.

(touchpad clicking) Look.

I think we've found something.

(door opens) - Oh!

- What's going on here?

Nothing X-rated, I hope.

Sorry for interrupting, thought I might just pop in and see if you guys needed a third.

- Third what?

- Person?

- Person for?

- [Darren] Uh... - [Terry] Ah.

No.

- What?

- We've no spaces at the minute.

- What's this?

Video files?

Dirty videos, you in them, Gemma?

You are such- (cup clatters) Oh!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, sorry about your laptop.

Look, you won't get online here anyway, Wi-Fi's buggered.

It's very, very frustrating, huh?

- That's good to know.

Thanks.

- You might get a little blip here and there, but you're better off going down to the creek.

But I'll tell you this, you won't get any privacy if you want to sample the dark meat of the World Wide Web.

- [Gemma] Oh, god.

- If you know what I mean.

I usually take a tent.

- And I think this conversation's come to a natural end.

- Fine, fine.

But if he runs out of steam, you know where to find me.

Plenty of juice left in my tank.

(door opens) (door closes) - Oh, my god!

Thought he'd never go.

- I'm glad you said that, because if we can pretend the last few minutes didn't happen, maybe we could talk about what you were saying earlier?

- Hm?

- You know, about my investigating turning you on in a very real and physical sense.

- Terry, we're being watched.

Oh.

- I know.

- Ah.

(ominous music) Let's just knock it on the head, eh?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

(curtains rattling) Early night, then?

Yeah.

(Gemma sighs) (rooster crowing) (Susan screams) (ominous music) (Evie sighs) - We're gonna die.

We're all gonna die!

- Oh.

- Lucky I'm old.

Won't take much to kill me.

I'll probably barely notice.

- Oh, Phil.

I don't want to be murdered in this place.

Quite the opposite.

I want to be un-murdered in a different place.

- Right, look everyone, me and Terry are investigating all of this, so just try to keep your wits about you.

Okay?

- Investigate it?

So what makes you the authority on murder, Gemma?

- Well, nine people have been murdered since me and Terry have been working together, Evie, so I think we know our stuff about this kind of thing.

- Not something I'd be proud of, darling.

Even we wouldn't advertise that.

- So we're gonna head down to the creek.

Darren said we might get a signal down there, try and get some leads.

And we're gonna be going through our notes.

- What's this?

Your wedding plans?

Planning on marrying the killer, are you?

- Only if he goes down on one knee, darling.

Only if he goes down on one knee.

(fingers snapping) (book thuds) - [Gemma] "Down on one knee"?

- I panicked.

Didn't know what to say.

(ominous music) - [Chad] Hello?!

Hello?!

Look, it's done, he has been disposed of, okay?

Hello?!

Hello?!

(Chad sighs) (cellphone thuds) - I hope he had a screen cover.

You all right?

You looking for a signal as well?

- No, I just dropped my phone.

- Oh, right.

We just thought we heard you shouting at someone down the phone while you were burying something?

- You got me, Gemma.

I was burying something, and this time, it wasn't conflicted feelings about my parents.

- What was it, then?

- I was burying my fecal matter.

- Well, that's a much more plausible explanation.

- We have to save the planet and I don't like to use more water than is necessary, you know?

That's why I wear the gloves.

- It's very thoughtful of you.

- But if you don't believe me, we can dig it up together.

- No.

All good.

(hand slaps) - My man.

I knew we would connect, and I think it's starting, Terry.

Okay, time for a run.

- Weird.

Very weird, he was.

Write that down.

(Terry sighs) - Chad is very- - [Gemma] Very.

- Weird.

Well, with insights like that, we should have this wrapped up by lunchtime.

(Gemma gasps) Chad?

You forgot your pants.

- Shh.

Terry, let him run in peace.

(water splashes) - Sometimes, you've just got to let the air get to it, you know?!

- I do, yeah.

- Gemma.

Can we focus, please?

He's just thrown his phone in the water.

- That's what I was looking at, him throwing his phone away while no clothes covered his body.

Come on, let's try this way.

- Gemma also acting very weird.

(mysterious music) (Gemma sighs) Oh, my god.

- Ah, if you're looking for the internet, there's none today.

I've been trying for an hour or so, but nothing's come up.

Ironically.

- Back to the caravan?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Darren behaving as expected.

- Your mum was saying to me the other day that I smother you, Phil, that I don't let you make your own decisions.

I said, "No, listen, listen to me, Brenda.

Hear my words, Brenda.

We don't have separate decisions," do we?

"We're a couple.

We have joint decisions.

So he don't need decisions of his own," do you, babe?

(both screaming) (golf clubs thudding) (bodies thudding) (water running) - [Gemma] This is Chad's caravan.

(valve squeaking) Oh, the door's open.

- No.

- We should go in and have a look around.

Be good to rule him out.

(mysterious music) (objects clattering) - I'm starting to feel like the lesser half of this partnership.

Like Dr. Watson or the big one out of The Krankies.

(door opens) See?

There's nothing here.

Probably one of them that don't do possessions.

I mean, I do that, but not out of choice, because I'm skint.

- What's this, then?

(bag zipping) And I think we've found our murder weapon.

- Yeah, but nobody's been shot.

Yet.

- It's a gun, Terry.

A gun.

Are you trying to say that a secret gun hiding away isn't dodgy?

- I'm gonna agree with anything you say to me while you're pointing that at me, aren't I?

- Pew.

- Don't "pew."

Can I take it off you?

Think it's going to your head.

(Gemma gasps) - There's a map as well.

Look.

- That goes from here to Leeds Airport.

Avoiding all the major roads.

He's gonna walk to Leeds once he's finished the killings, and then catch a flight back to the States.

(Terry gasps) (map rustles) Hands up.

Don't move.

Reach for the skies!

And keep your hands where you can see them.

Give me an excuse, punk!

(gun clacks) Ow.

- Watch where you're pointing that, you idiot.

- We've found dead bodies, a hidden weapon, and an escape map to Leeds.

I think the police are gonna be very interested in talking to you, Chad.

- Wait.

No police, guys.

Please.

- There actually are no police, Gemma, remember?

- All right, until they get here, we're gonna interrogate you, hm?

- [Terry] Are we?

- [Gemma] Mm.

- Have we done that before?

- Can we just have a minute, Chad?

- [Chad] Sure, take your time.

- Terry, a word.

(door opens) - Terry.

(Terry gasps) - Thank you.

Sorry about that.

Just make yourself at home.

(door closes) (Chad sighs) - Right, this is our first interrogation.

Do you want to go good cop or bad cop?

- I think I should- - Good cop, yeah.

You should definitely be good cop, then I can be the bad girl, breaking balls and getting answers.

Maybe I should spank him?

Is that allowed?

- Not by law, nor by the boundaries of our relationship.

- Maybe I should strip him naked.

- Why?!

- To make him vulnerable, so I can bend him to my will.

- You know, I think when the police do eventually arrive, they're gonna have more questions for us than him.

- Guys, I can totally hear you.

- Right, I'm definitely bad copping it.

(squeals) Just back me up.

- Well, how do I good copping it?

- Just stand there and smile, sweet cheeks.

Stand there and smile.

(door opens) (ominous music) (tongue clicking) Oh.

Oh, you're in deep doo-doo, you are.

Deep.

(door closes) - If you give me a second, I can clear this up.

- Yeah?

Well, you'd better start talking, then.

Get those pretty little lips to start spilling the dirt, or you're gonna be doing some hard time.

- Courtesy of the Bremmers.

- Don't call us that.

- Please, Gemma, this is embarrassing.

Look, I'm not the guy you're after.

- Oh?

- I'm not innocent, but I haven't killed anyone here.

- Oh, really?

So where have you killed people, then, Chad?

- Scunthorpe.

- Oh.

- Scunthorpe?

(Penny crying) (door creaks) (Penny yelps) (Penny panting) (bags rustling) - Right, you look here, listen, hear my words.

I am a woman close to breaking point and I'm telling you to let us go, or my husband is gonna kick right off.

One word from me and he will listen, he will hear my words.

And then he will go loco down in Acapulco all over your arse.

Right, you've asked for it.

Go, Phil, kick off, kick right bloody off.

Go on.

- Can you kill her first?

Just so I can have 10 seconds of peace before I die.

- You what?

Phil?

- Bye, Penny.

- Phil.

(Penny crying) - Crack on.

- Phil!

(blood spattering) (Penny screams) (bird chirping) - So look, I am a contract killer, guys.

(Gemma gasps) - Stop smiling, we're not doing that now.

- Oh.

- Stop it.

- Sorry.

- I work for the Santino family outta Chicago, and one of the family, a guy called Joey the Prawn, turned rat and was gonna testify against the Santinos.

So the DA flew him to the UK and hid him in Scunthorpe, instead of keeping him in jail until the trial.

But I've completed my task and now he's gone.

I only hunt the guilty and it's important that you guys know that.

Joey the Prawn knows that now.

- So Joey the Prawn sleeps with the fishes?

- No, I sliced him up and buried parts of him while I hiked to the caravan park.

- So where did you bury the rest?

- Everywhere.

His lungs are in Grimsby, his head is somewhere near York, and I left his heart in- (fingers snapping) - San Francisco.

- No, Hull.

But I appreciate what you were trying to do there.

At the creek, you saw me burying the last of him.

His toes.

- But why are you telling us all this, Chad?

- Because you were gonna tell the police about me anyway, I figured that now you know I'm not the killer, we can all focus on finding out who it really is, together.

- So, like, Bremmer, Draper and... What was your surname?

- Oh, if I told you my real name, (sighs) I'd really have to kill you, then.

- Fine.

So it's Bremmer, Draper, and friend.

- See, Terry, I told you we'd be friends.

- [Gemma] Aw, guys.

(door opens) - So, how'd you know once the police get here that we won't tell them about you?

- Because, Terry, when the cops do get here, I'm gonna disappear, but I'll be watching.

And if I even think you're about to cross me, I'll get you in a very dark room and hurt you in ways the devil himself couldn't dream up.

- Probably keep me mouth shut, then.

- You should, because if you don't, I'll sew your mouth closed, then kick you in the balls.

(Gemma gasps) (Chad sniffs) Do you smell that?

- It's fear.

And it's mine.

- No.

It's gas.

- What?

Eh.

- It's coming from Edna's caravan.

(gas hissing) (door handle rattling) (gas hissing) Terry, can you lift me up so I can see if they're in there?

- Well, shouldn't we be running away?

- Terry, we've not got time!

(Gemma yelps) Oh, no, Edna's in there.

- It's a caravan, it's hardly made of titanium.

(wall breaks) (Gemma screams) (door opens) - I was about to do that.

- [Edna] I don't feel very well.

- [Chad] Come and sit down.

- [Edna] Oh, where's... Oh.

- [Chad] Sit down.

- What's going on?

We've got caravans to spritz.

- Clive!

Someone get Clive!

- Gas?

I'll turn it off!

(valve squeaks) I'm so sorry, Edna.

- Oh, no!

Clive!

- Terry, do something.

- Although I only knew him for a very short time, Clive was a lovely tortoise, a devoted husband- - No.

Help him.

Give him mouth-to-mouth or something.

- I don't know how to- - Terry!

(gentle music) (Terry exhales) (Terry puffing) (Terry exhales) - This is the worst day of my entire life!

- Just keep blowing!

Go on.

- No tongues, it's ungodly.

(Terry exhales) (tortoise chomps) (Terry groans) - [Terry] He bit my tongue!

(Gemma sighs) (Edna crying) - Come here.

There, there.

There, there.

- You just saved an actual life.

Oh.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

After you've brushed your teeth at least a million times.

- The angels are coming- - Gross.

- For you, my love.

I could hear them, but not now, not for you, no.

No, you'll be fine.

Did you hear them?

- What's she talking about?

- I think she's in shock.

Look, have you got anything that can calm her down?

- I've got some pills in the caravan for when Terry snores and when he starts talking about the wedding.

They should help her zone out.

I mean, they work for me.

I'll be back in a sec.

- Gemma, no going off by yourself!

- There's no time, she needs help!

Anyway, what's the worse that could happen?

- I'm supposed to be planning the happiest day of my life.

So far, I've been touched with dead woman hands, and I've tongued a tortoise.

Now, we're drugging up an old woman.

- Oh, bugger.

(bag rustles) (Gemma screams) - Gemma, where are you?

Gemma?

(door opens) Gemma?

Gemma!

(door slams) (door handle rattling) Gemma?!

(door banging) (door banging) Gem?!

Gem, love?!

(door opens) (light switch clicks) (suspicious music) Darren, you slimy little turd.

(suspicious music) The roller disco.

(door opens) Gemma?

Gemma.

What's with the hair?

- Darren did it.

Terry, look out!

- She's mine, Terry.

She always has been.

(kick thuds) (Darren groaning) What did you do that for?

- Just be glad I didn't sew your mouth shut first.

(Darren sighs) I did it for Neil.

And for Mary.

(Darren groans) And for Clive.

(Gemma clears throat) Oh, yeah, sorry love.

And for kidnapping '90s Gemma.

Now, I've got to deal with this little rat, who killed two people and very nearly killed a tortoise, which may or may not have a man in it.

- I haven't killed anyone.

- Yeah.

Tell that to the police when they eventually paddle here.

Oh, and wait till I show them your little shrine to Gemma, they'll see what a psycho you are.

- [Darren] Ow.

- You've got a shrine?

- [Darren] Hm?

- To me?

- Gemma, come on, I've never forgotten you, how could I have?

I've followed your life every single day since you left.

- You've been following me?

- See?

Stalker.

- Online, obviously.

You might've blocked me on Facebook, but you didn't block Hank McClusky.

- The yacht owner?

- [Darren] Yeah.

- From Jacksonville Tennessee who likes my red hair?

- Or Buck Buckman.

- Buck Buckman's a millionaire with 12 avocado farms who thinks I've got the smile of an angel.

- Yeah.

- I think I can see how he got round your stringent security systems, Gemma.

- Look, look, I might be slightly obsessed, but I haven't killed anyone.

I think I know who has though.

I was looking through the CCTV tapes.

(machine humming) I saw this figure, right?

Now, it looked a lot like- (boule thuds) (Darren groaning) A French boule?

(machine fires) (boules thuds) - Ooh!

(machine fires) (boules thudding) (Darren groaning) - It's empty.

(Darren sighs) Darren?

You all right?

- Yes.

I mean, no.

(body thuds) - Oh, Terry!

(boules clattering) He's reloading it!

He's aiming it towards me!

Quick!

- Don't worry, Gemma!

I'm coming!

(machine humming) (Gemma yelping) (machine firing) (boules thudding) (Terry groaning) Oh, god, my ribs.

- Which ones?

- All of them.

Even the ones in my legs.

- Oh.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

He's getting away!

Terry, he's getting away!

Terry?

(door slams) Maybe we'll get him later, my little hero.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, Terry, you're dribbling on my shoes.

(Terry groans) They're new.

Ruined.

(can spraying) (Terry groans) So what do we know?

- Less and less as time goes by.

- Thank you, Edna.

What we do know is that Jed- - I like Jed, he's nice.

Clive likes him as well.

He gives him cucumber ends half price.

- And Evie- - All fur coat and no knickers.

- Don't want to sell the park.

Now, Neil- - Mm, too posh to eat chips.

- And Mary- - Ever so plain.

Which is somehow worse than being ugly, isn't it?

- Have found this rare bird that would've made it into a nature reserve, meaning the land couldn't be turned into a theme park anyway.

- Hiya, everyone.

I thought you might be hungry.

Here's some ragu that survived.

- Aw, thanks, Susan.

I don't think Terry can stomach it.

He's in pain.

- Pass it here.

- Susan.

We forgot about Susan.

- She couldn't mastermind a series of killings, love.

She can't even master the blender.

- She's right.

It's had my hair off twice.

- Hang on.

That's Penny's heart pendant.

What's it doing in there?

(necklace clatters) Oh, my god, Terry!

(Gemma groans) (Terry retching) (vomit spatters) (pot thuds) (ragu sloshes) - They're in there all right.

I can strain them out, but you'll still have the flavor of them.

We can chuck some salt in, but it's gonna be hard to forget that it's made of people.

- Oh, god, I'm gonna throw up.

- It doesn't make you feel any better.

- The air is thick with spirit moving on to the next world.

Souls colliding and clamoring for peace.

And all in a tangy, garlicky sauce.

- Thank you for sharing.

Right, the killer wants us to wander off on our own.

Then they can pick us off while we're alone.

It's what they do.

But this has gone on long enough.

We need to make a break for it.

Yeah?

Now, that coach out there, it'll get us about a mile down the road before it breathes its last.

But at least we'll be clear of this place.

Now, come on!

- You can go if you want to.

I'm staying right here.

I'm not gonna be chased out of my own park.

And if I lost this place, I'd have nothing to live for.

- Well, that makes me feel very special, Jed.

Look, whoever wants us off this park is gonna kill us all.

It could be H from bloody Steps, for all I know.

(Evie gasps) He's sending us a message.

(Evie gasps) We need to leave, now.

Oh, just sell him the park, if that's what he wants.

But know this, you can't stay here and be with me at the same time.

- Okay, I'll open the coach doors, you grab Edna.

(door opens) - Hands where I can see them.

I want no slap and tickle.

- Starting to think I ate the wrong person.

(door opens) - What's it gonna be, Jed?

- Please, Jed, you have to come with us or you'll die, alone.

And then what's it all been for?

(thrilling music) - [Terry] Come on.

We'll get on board and I'll hammer it until there's nothing left.

- Terry, there's a funny smell on the coach.

Have you left a pair of socks in here somewhere?

Stinks.

- There she goes, protecting my dignity one more time.

(explosions booming) (fire roaring) (explosion booms) (fire roaring) Gemma?

- [Chad] Leave it.

Leave it, Terry.

- I've got to save her!

- She's gone!

No one could survive that, trust me.

I've done this sorta thing myself, you don't want to see what's happened to her.

- Gemma!

Gemma!

Gemma!

Gemma!

(somber music) - Look on the bright side, you'll definitely get all your deposits back on your wedding bookings.

Well, if one of you dies, they don't have the nerve to charge you for it.

- I don't think Terry needs to trouble himself with that kinda stuff right now.

- [Edna] Oh.

You light the skies up above me - Hi.

I'm Gemma.

You must be Terry, the new driver?

A star so bright You blind me, yeah, yeah Don't close your eyes Don't fade away, don't fade away Oh Yeah, you and me, we can ride on a star If you stay with me, girl We can rule the world Yeah, you and me, we can light up the sky If you stay by my side We can rule the world - It's all gone now.

Everything.

My entire life.

- Oh, of course, you've lost your coach as well, haven't you?

- The coach.

Oh Yeah, you and me, we can ride on a star If you stay with me girl We can rule the world Yeah, you and me, we can light up the sky If you stay by my side We can rule the world All the stars are coming out tonight They're lighting up the sky tonight for you For you - Terry?

Terry.

- Sorry, I was a million miles away.

- Evie was telling us she has a plan.

- Well, I was talking to Jed and we think we should all just lock down in here and wait for the cavalry.

I mean, all the doors and windows have steel shutters.

Um, we had them put in when Jed was on "Watchdog," for getting the children to make trainers and selling it as a craft experience.

- They're very strong.

They had bricks and all sorts thrown at them.

We'll be safe.

- As you were, then.

(keys jingling) - Might be time for me to get out of here, man.

I'm not overly keen on getting locked in somewhere and waiting for the cops.

- Do you not want to know who the killer is before you go?

- Do you know?

- Yeah.

Just figured it out.

(suspicious music) I should've been planning my wedding, but, instead, I've been touched by a hand that's touched a dead woman.

I've watched the love of my life blown up on the second love of my life.

And nearly swallowed her tortoise.

- But you will, you know, be kind in your online review?

- Oh, Jed.

By far, the slippiest, most shady operator I've ever come across.

(shutters closing) You had an offer on the park to buy you out, didn't you?

But you were stuck with Edna as a permanent resident, so you couldn't sell and get your dirty little hands on all that money.

- I would never sell this park, Terry.

You're forgetting it was me that invited Neil and Mary to look for that sodding bird, to make this place into a nature reserve.

All that was to block H from Steps even trying to buy my park.

(shutters closing) - He's right, Terry.

Jed loves this place.

What about Chad?

- Chad just doesn't seem the type, does he?

Well, you can just tell sometimes.

- Thank goodness for that.

Not sure what I would've done if you'd pointed the finger at me.

- No.

Finger pointed firmly elsewhere.

- Well, who, then?

Is it me?

- The fact that you're asking the question is the biggest clue that you're innocent.

And what killer tries to gas themselves in their own caravan?

- Well, it can't be Susan because she's, well, she's... (shutters closing) I can't think of a polite way to put it.

She's- - Odd.

I'm odd.

Always have been.

Mother dropped me on my head when I was a baby and I've never been the same since.

- But we're not sure Susan's capable of murder.

- Oh, I am.

Thought about it loads.

Never found anyone who deserved it though.

You'd have to do something pretty bad.

(shutters closing) - Yeah, they would, wouldn't they?

And the police are gonna find it pretty hard to believe that you didn't do it.

I mean, you're the chef and you've got bodies in your main courses.

- No.

But anyone could have put them there.

- Yeah?

Bet that kitchen's covered in your fingerprints, eh?

If you're lucky, they might give you a job in the kitchen at the prison.

- I don't want to go to prison.

- Well, unless we find out where the real killer is, you will do, Susan.

It's all over!

I mean, you're gonna spend the rest of your life in a tiny cell for what you've done here!

- It's not me!

It's not me!

- All the evidence points to you!

And if you didn't do it, who did?!

(door opens) - She made me do it.

- Who, love?!

- The murderer.

Evie, who hated the customers, who didn't want the bar full of unkempt tuppences when the birdwatchers came, who dreamt of a better life, and who killed my Gemma.

- Yes.

It's Evie.

It's Evie!

- Well done, Mr. Coach Driver.

- I was right.

I was right.

First time ever.

Oh, Gemma, you'd have bloody loved this, girl.

- Evie, what's going on, love?

- Evie wants to sell the park.

- But, Evie, you love this place.

- Do I, Jed?

Common little people coming back year after year, always whinging.

"Ooh, look, the color of my caravan's different than the one in the brochure."

"Oh, I've got trench foot from my paddling pool."

"There's bees in my toilet."

All scum, the lot of them!

I wanted something more, Jed.

And I'm about to get it.

- But why did we all have to die?

- All those bloody bird people had to die to stop this place turning into a shrine for a small ball of feathers.

And you had to die, Edna, you're our only permanent resident.

And if we tried to sell this place and you were still here, then I'd have to pay you off, and I wouldn't make any money.

And this park is on its arse!

- Nonsense.

We've never been busier.

(Evie sighs) - Jed, I've seen the accounts.

- Oh, ignore me, then, you just carry on.

- You didn't call the police, did you?

No one's coming.

- No.

Sorry.

- And I'm sorry for lying to you all.

She said I just had to spray paint things on the walls.

She said no one was gonna get hurt.

Promised me half the money when she sold this place.

I was gonna use it to open up a restaurant and take a hygiene course.

And cookery lessons.

- How on earth were you going to convince me to sell up?

Even with Edna gone?

- Oh, I knew I couldn't convince you, Jed.

I was gonna leave it a couple of months and then you were going in the creek.

- Just one thing, Phil and Penny?

I mean, why did they have to die?

- Because she was rude to me when she checked in.

Usually, if guests are rude, I get Susan to break wind on their pillow and they leave with conjunctivitis.

- I'm easily led.

- Thank you.

- What for?

- For the full confession.

I do love it when a killer spills their guts.

Gonna make it a lot easier for when the police get here.

(Evie chuckles) - Sorry, Terry, I didn't call the police.

- But we have.

And they're on their way to you.

- You're gonna pay for what you did to our Gemma.

- You are.

- But there's no signal.

- Oh, there wasn't till I turned the Wi-Fi back on.

(door opens) (light switch clicks) (suspicious music) Darren, you slimy little turd.

(button clicks) (router beeps) The roller disco.

- That's a bit naughty, Terry.

I turned that Wi-Fi off for a reason.

Jed, (chuckles) you should've listened to H from Steps 'cause there's about to be a fire.

(lighter clicks) (fire roars) Big one.

(fire roaring) (bottle breaks) (fire roaring) (Edna screams) (fire roaring) (Evie laughs) (door opens) (door slams) (lock clicks) - I probably deserve this.

I mean, I'm gutted, but I do deserve this.

- This door is our only chance.

We need something heavy, with enough momentum to blast right through it.

(dramatic music) - Me?

Why are you grinning at me?

Oh, come on.

(fire roaring) Just for the record, I'm completely against this.

- [Chad] As we say back home, let's light the fires and kick the tires.

- Ignore the pain.

Protect your vulnerables.

(Terry screams) (door thuds) (body thuds) (fire roaring) - Well, it looks like that's it, everyone.

(slot machine chimes) (coins jingling) I'm sorry your stay with us hasn't been up to our usual high standards.

And I'm very sorry you're all going to die.

- And I'm sorry too, Jed.

- Bye, girls.

Call the police, tell them everything you've seen here.

Gemma, I'll see you soon, love.

(somber music) (door opens) (angelic music) - Get up, you knobhead.

(thrilling music) (fire roaring) (explosion booms) - The insurance company are never gonna believe me this time.

- [Terry] Gemma, you died when that coach blew up.

- No, I didn't.

The emergency exit doesn't shut, remember?

I told you that light on the dashboard was right.

Terry, there's a funny smell on the coach.

Have you left a pair of socks in here somewhere?

Stinks.

(explosions booming) (Gemma screams) So that's where I've been, out cold for the last half hour.

- She's getting away!

(statue clatters) - Hey!

Don't take it out on the magical folk.

- Always pays to keep a weapon stashed somewhere.

If you think that's bad, you should see how I got it in there.

(gun firing) (air hissing) (suitcases thudding) (Evie screams) - You are all spoiling it for me!

- [Terry] Why didn't you just shoot her?

- No one's paid me yet.

And we don't need any more bodies around here.

(gun fires) (Evie yelps) - She did something bad!

She ruined my ragu!

- Oh, jeez!

- See, Terry, I am capable?

- Not in the face.

(sirens wailing) - Put the gun down!

Put it down now!

- Hello, my loves.

You took your time.

Now, do you want a cuppa before you arrest me?

- I said, put the gun down now!

(gun clatters) (handcuffs rattling) (handcuffs clicking) - Guys, I think I'm gonna hit the road.

Time to get my walking boots on.

(car door closes) - Even though you're a cold-blooded killer, I think in that chest beats the heart of a good man.

Mm.

- Bless you, Gemma, but I'm a complete psycho.

I hope she's okay.

(police radio chattering) - How long will it take you... How'd he do that?

- I know!

Exciting or what?

(Gemma chuckles) - Not as exciting as holding your hand.

(Gemma chuckles) The last hand I ever want to hold.

- Oh.

- The last bloody finger I ever want in my mouth.

(Gemma chuckles) - Well, ignoring that last bit, that was lovely.

Come here, you.

(Darren groans) - Guys!

Guys, (groans) I don't want to panic anyone, but (groans) I think I've lost a contact lens.

I'm feeling a bit blurry in one eye.

(car door opens) - And as you can see, gentlemen, it's a lovely place.

Perfect for a theme park.

Your investment will be very safe.

- I've wasted my whole bloody life here!

It's a hovel full of the worst kind of low-lifes!

Oh, hello, H from Steps.

(Evie yelps) (Evie groans) - How are you doing, mate?

I see you've got your friends with you.

(Darren grunts) (H groaning) Welcome to Shady Creek.

I'm one of the managers.

(H chuckles) - Oh, bugger.

(siren wailing) (car door opens) - Hey, folks, I'm Detective Sergeant- - Are they there?

- I'm doing it.

I've found them.

- Is it?

- It appears you owe these ladies a debt of gratitude.

I think they may have saved your lives.

- Did you hear that, Mildred?

We caught the killer.

We solved the case!

- You didn't.

We solved it before you even got here.

- No, it was us, dear.

We called the police.

- Oh, now, can we please go to Middlesbrough?

- And you will find everything you need in here.

- "Bridesmaids in order of ugliness"?

You taking the mick out of me?

- Here.

They're the notes from our investigation.

- Investigation is it?

Who are you two, Cagney and Lacey?

- No.

We're the Bremmers.

Watch out, here I come You spin me right round, baby, right round Like a record, baby, right round, round, round You spin me right round, baby, right round Like a record, baby, right round, round, round You spin me right round, baby, right round Like a record, baby, right round, round, round You spin me right round, baby, right round Like a record, baby, right round, round, round (marker scratching)