Draper's Tours Mysteries

(dramatic music) (ship horn blaring) - I love you.

I've been waiting for you since Wetherby Services.

- Er, what did we agree?

No more scotch eggs.

They make you fragrant on a night time.

- But what if I get peckish?

Now what am I gonna peck?

You're controlling what I eat.

- Aah, it's what women in love do.

And here we are at Newcastle Ferry Terminal.

Once again, thank you for choosing Draper's Tours.

I'll just do a quick head count and then we can board the ship to Amsterdam.

- Head count?

There's three of 'em, Gemma.

It's like Destiny's Child with osteoporosis.

- Hey!

Doesn't say much for your tour company, does it?

Three customers, huh.

- Well Mildred hired the whole bus and promised me it would be full.

Didn't you Mildred?

- Well that was the plan, yes, but the heating broke down at the home, which thinned the herd a bit.

- Very sad.

But on the plus side, these days the queue for the biscuits is a lot shorter.

- And we couldn't just cancel.

Marge wanted her friends to make this trip, Gemma.

It was in her will.

- Yeah.

Course, sorry, Mildred.

I think that Marge would be very happy that you, Colleen and Hilda have gone to all the effort.

That's what friends are for, isn't it?

- She wasn't my friend.

I didn't like her.

- Hilda, you've gone off the reservation again.

You and Marge were very close.

- Were we?

Oh, yes.

She was a very dear friend and I do miss her so.

Who is it I don't like then?

- You'll have to forgive Hilda, she's got a bit of a loose mind.

- Yeah, look, I hate to interrupt this fascinating trip down short-term memory lane, but I'm gonna have to park the bus.

I'll see you all on board.

Gemma, this is going to be best mini-break ever.

Trust me.

I'm going to sweep you right off your feet.

(gentle music) - "Sweep me off my feet?"

He'll be lucky.

Last time he tried to pick me up, he slipped a disc.

- Well you need a more well-built man, love.

I enjoy a bloke who can take a bit of punishment, and give it out if I'm in the mood.

- Hiya.

Welcome to the Empress of the Tyne, ladies.

Are you taking any drugs on board?

- Only the ones that keep me alive, plus a couple of things for when I get bored.

- Oh forget Cocaine Sally here.

Come on, let's get to the bar, let's get the champagne open.

- Oh yes.

- Oh, champagne?

Are you celebrating something, Colleen?

- We can't say.

Something that'll change our lives forever in ways we can't possibly imagine.

Hardly worth mentioning really.

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the Empress of the Tyne.

- Woo!

- [All] Hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night!

Hen night!

Woo!

- Welcome aboard.

- I'm Gemma Draper, Draper's Tours.

- I'm First Officer Justin Valentine.

If me or any of my crew can help in any way, don't hesitate to keep it to yourselves.

Ha ha ha, just joking.

- I'm the DJ, I'm an artist and I'm not happy!

- Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, I'm the singer, yeah?

I sing.

DJ's are for poor people who can't afford a band at their wedding.

Emily Valentine, I'll be singing in the Admiral's Hole later.

I don't do requests and you can't join in.

- Denise Montgomery, Cruise Director.

- Oh, yes.

I was supposed to check in with you.

I'm Gemma Draper, Draper's Tours.

- Of course!

So, I've got you down as 55 guests.

- Er, we have had a very slight change in numbers.

- Right?

- There's three of us.

- Yeah.

I did call head office to cancel the unwanted cabins, spoke to Brenda?

- Yes, Brenda.

Not great at passing on messages.

She's going through the menopause for the fourth time, bless her.

So anything she does write down gets sweated off the page almost immediately.

- If you're worried about missing out on bar take, I've been told I drink for 10.

- Right, that's the coach parked.

Bloody hell!

- Would you like a picture with our mascot?

Dippy the Dolphin?

- Nice to meet you.

I'm Terry the Terrified.

- Lovely.

At last - Hilda, I'm going to need my pills.

My love has come along - I want to touch it.

Then have it touch me.

My lonely days are over - Even I'm feeling something.

And life is like a song - Well hello, girls.

Captain Jack Pearson.

And you must be four sisters, yes?

- That's either a massive compliment to us, or he's slagging you right off, Gemma.

- Only compliments, I do assure you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get this old girl ready to sail.

She needs quite a firm hand.

- I'll bet she does.

- The feisty ones always do.

- Oh god, he's as greasy as a chip shop window as well.

- Welcome aboard.

- Ooh.

Oh, let's get to the cabins, I need a lie down.

Bits of me are waking up that have been asleep for decades.

- Right.

Allow me to show you the finest accommodation this vessel has to offer.

- Ooh.

- And by that I mean a toilet inside the cabin.

- Ooh, no more jogging on the spot for me.

I'm a lucky lucky girl.

- We'll be winding our way down the River Tyne and arriving in Amsterdam tomorrow morning, so grab a drink in our fabulous bar, the Admiral's Hole.

- Full of tat, these things.

I mean look at that.

Who's buying that?

There's nothing here for us.

(gasps) Giant Toblerones.

Oh, can we get one, Gemma, please, please, please?

- You don't even like Toblerone.

- Nobody does, not until they go on holiday.

Well it's a full kilo of nutty chocolate triangles in one handy, cumbersome bar.

Hang on, what's that?

"Choccy Mound."

Snide Toblerones, is nothing sacred?

- Gemma!

Look what they've got.

- Oh.

- Hi, I'm Jane McDonald, and I want you to enjoy my Secretions.

It's gritty, it's northern, it stings.

It's my Secretions.

Special offer, two for one on this ferry.

- Do you want some, Gemma?

- Please, no.

(ship horn blaring) (upbeat music) - Right, welcome party over.

There's not many passengers, they must have seen the storm coming.

Either that or they heard about the Norovirus in the nachos.

Hmm.

- Right.

Come on my lovelies, you know the drill.

Bars open, gangway clear, pepper spray discreetly hidden about your person, just in case.

And you can take your head off now, Tracy.

- Denise!

I can't keep doing this.

I thought I was going to die!

You can see why dolphins are endangered, if they have to go through this every day.

- Tracey, you were fantastic, very believable.

At one point I even considered throwing you a fish.

(upbeat music) - And, as promised, an indoor latrine.

- Ooh.

- Fancy taking it for a test drive?

- Well, as seductive as that may sound, I'm good thanks.

- Oh, I thought you might want to go first, you know.

Seeing as I haven't been since we passed through Leeds.

I've got to offload some stowaways, if you know what I mean.

- Ah ha.

And it's them kind of chat-up lines that keep me coming back for more.

- Well you'd better get used to it, because this weekend is going to be like no other we've ever had before.

- Oh, why?

Are you going to be conscious for some of it?

- I promise nothing.

- Look, I appreciate the gesture, but we've got work to do.

And that means behaving in a proper and professional manner.

Oh my god, they've got dressing gowns!

Ooh!

Oh Terry!

I feel like a princess.

A Terry-toweling princess.

- If you'll excuse me.

Marauders at the gates.

- Oh, eh.

I bet the girls are loving this kind of luxury.

- Oh the plus side, if I sleep-walk, you'll not have to go too far to find me.

- Right, Terence, this time try not to bugger this up.

She's been the best one yet.

You like it.

Let's go put a ring on it.

(door knocking) Oh, you, no no no!

- You alright?

- Yeah, yeah, I dropped my coach keys down the toilet.

- Sounds like you're having a bit of a time of it in there.

I'd best go check on the girls.

- You do that.

Bet Bilbo Baggins never had this problem.

Right my precious, let's see if you're down there.

- I'll see you at the bar, okay?

- Oh, mother of god!

- [Announcer] And as we get ready to set sail, can we have all engineers to their stations please.

(dramatic music) - Hey, it's Dippy the Dolphin.

What brings you down here to the plant room?

You don't want to touch that, man, if you do the pumps will... (wrench thudding) (upbeat music) - This is the bar, ladies.

- Can you take them, Tracy.

- Sorry.

- Thank you.

- I'm telling you, one, two, three.

Come on, cheers.

- Er, not sure if you know this, but it's considered good luck to buy your tour guide a drink.

- Well, I wish you all the luck in the world in making that happen.

- Welcome to the Admiral's Hole, the finest bar on the ship.

Oh look, here comes the Captain.

Stand by your beds, there could be an inspection, especially if he takes a liking to you.

Ooh!

- Bobby, if you could make the jokes actually funny, that really would really help.

- Whatever!

- Well hello girls.

- That's right girls, don't lose your dignity.

He could be riddled, this one, you know, sailors usually are.

- If we get shipwrecked, I'm more than happy to make a fishing net out of my panty hose.

- I don't wear any.

- Then I'll get us out onto the ocean like my very life depended on it.

- Oh sorry, sorry, I couldn't quite hear you for the sound of my skin crawling.

I'll get us a table.

- Oh, did you er, get your keys?

- Yeah, got there in the end.

Anyone would think I'd spent three months wages on them.

- As you're travel industry, you get a discount.

- [Both] Ooh!

- Discount.

In that case, we'll have a lager top, a gin and tonic, two Babychams, oh and a Baileys chaser.

And whatever Gemma and the golden girls are having.

- Babycham?

I'll need to grab that from the stock room.

Excuse us.

Tracy, you're in charge.

- I could get used to this life.

- Gemma, it's the kind of life I want to give you.

- Aw.

- There are three different mini products in that cabin bathroom.

I mean, three!

If I had my way, there'd be an avocado body scrub and an intimate lady wipe as well.

- Aw, but also, ew.

- And so, this ship leaves Newcastle for the very last time.

Home of Alan Shearer, Ant and Dec, and of course my ex-wife Judy, who could beat them all at arm wrestling.

Just kidding, she had very weak arms, barely strong enough to break my heart.

But she managed!

Here's her least favorite song, by Enya.

(upbeat music) (tense music) - Dinner in half an hour, Captain.

- Ladies, would you care to join me for dinner at the Captain's table?

- Ooh, now that's the type of glamor Draper's Tours likes to see our guests enjoy.

- I'm sitting next to Captain Jack.

And anyone who says otherwise will be eating their dinner through broken teeth!

- No guests for the dinner, sorry ladies.

This is a celebratory meal for Justin's promotion, and therefore me.

It's a special dinner for old friends.

- Actually, Emily, these are my friends.

- Yeah, well they're certainly old.

- Savage as usual, Emsy.

- Who the bloody hell do you think you are?

- Who am I, babes?

Um, I'm the most in-demand lounge entertainment on the North Sea.

I'm known in every port across Northern Europe.

- Oh, popular round the docks are you?

We used to have a name for girls like that.

- "Dirty girls!"

That's what mother said.

- Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, laugh all you like ladies.

When Jack retires tomorrow, it will be the first day of my new life as Mrs. Captain Justin Valentine.

- And then we'll show this company how a ferry should be run.

- Mm-hmm.

- We'll be the Jay-Z and Beyonce of the North Sea.

Except with none of the money, but full wifi access.

- If I could interrupt you two, as this is my final dinner, I'm going to insist that all of my new friends join us.

That includes you and Terry, Gemma.

I do hope that's not going to be a big deal, Emily.

- I think we're about to find out that it is.

- Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, just you listen to me, you tired old fart.

I am the face of this ship.

You are just a pathetic- - Wo wo wo wo whoa.

Let's play a little game of not saying what we'll regret later.

Hmm?

Jack, of course you can bring your guests to the dinner.

And Emily, why not go to your cabin and listen to the podcast that calms you down, you know, your Katie Hopkins one?

- Fine.

You're sitting the ugly one away from me.

- She means you, Colleen.

- Well handled, thank you.

- Oh, no thanks needed.

I'm used to it by now.

- [Emily] Justin!

- You don't need to save a place for me and Gemma, we're having a little romantic supper in the cabin.

Just the two of us.

At the last services I got all the Ginsters you like.

If we're quick, they'll not have gone sweaty.

- Aww.

We'll be there, Jack.

- Wonderful.

Well, let's change for dinner.

- When you get changed, be careful of the key.

We don't want to lose it now.

- What key?

Is this your little secret from before?

- It's nothing, Gemma.

Don't worry.

You'll know when the time comes.

- Hang on, me and Gemma didn't bring anything to wear.

I mean I thought I was going to get two days out of this shirt.

It was only supposed to be a short trip with the Bingo Massive here, so... - Try the Duty Free shop.

Anything with a collar will do.

They'll have something in your size.

We get a lot of truck drivers on here.

- I've got something that'll fit Gemma.

Ooh!

We can dress you up.

- Oh, or we can not do that.

(tense music) - [Jane] Special offer, two for one on this ferry.

- Utterly ruddy butterly.

- [Jane] Hi, I'm Jane McDonald, and I want you to enjoy my Secretions.

It's gritty, it's Northern, it stings... - Spread me on toast.

- Ahem.

Well, what do you think?

(uplifting music) - Gemma, I've never seen you... You're like a vision.

- Well, I see you've found yourself some formal wear.

At least we don't have to wonder which European capital you heart.

- Whichever one you're in when you're looking like that.

- He's flirting with you, Gemma.

A lot of men flirted with me when I wore that dress.

Some very successfully.

- Well let's just hope it's been dry cleaned and get on with dinner then, shall we?

(dramatic music) (thunder crashing) (women screaming) - You see girls, a ship is a hugely complex piece of equipment.

You never know what she's going to throw at you next.

- Our voyage is majestic too, Jack.

- Oh, really?

- You're looking at three millionaires.

- Ssh, you're not meant to say.

- Millionaires you say?

- Oh Terry, this is it.

This is the secret they think they've been whispering about all day.

Don't bother trying to get it out of them Jack, you've got more chance of finding out their real ages.

- Gemma!

I never lie about my age!

It's not becoming of a lady in her very early 50s.

- Oh surely you can let the cat out of the bag for a silly old Captain?

- Tell him, Mildred, tell him everything.

- If he goes on like this, I'll tell him my PIN number.

Yours too, Hilda.

- 2596, Jack.

- We've been bequeathed something, Jack.

It's very exciting.

- A key.

A safety deposit box key.

- Marge left it to us in her will.

The safety deposit box is in Amsterdam.

She says we can have whatever is in it.

Her whole life's savings.

- Fascinating.

And was she a woman of means?

- Oh yes.

She was very posh.

- Yes.

Had two sets of teeth, one for eating, one for guests.

- Guests.

- But she left it to us.

- And to us alone, Jack.

- So that's it?

That's your secret?

Oh, you couldn't tell me, but old twinkly eyes here licks her hand and you're all singing like randy canaries!

- Don't be angry, Gemma.

Of course we would have told you.

We know you wouldn't steal it off us.

- So why... - I wouldn't steal from you!

I don't need your money.

I've got something money can't buy.

- What's that?

Gout?

- Ha ha, gout!

(class clinking) - Many of us have sailed this ship many times before.

Many of us have found love.

- Oh, God, I think my dinner's gonna come back up.

- Many of us have found friends, amidst the glamor of the lounge, to the grime of the galley.

- Did she say grime?

- Yeah.

- Ugh!

- But now one of our family has to leave us.

Aah.

Jack, the Inuit people of the Antarctic used to put their old onto an iceberg and push it out into the ocean when they became a burden to the tribe.

But we're not allowed to do that any more.

- Oh come on, no one would see.

We could just push him out there.

- Instead Jack must enjoy retirement and continue to devote his time to his lifelong search for a sugar-mummy.

- However, he is always welcome to join Justin and I on our new ship, where he will inevitably encounter a better class of person- - I wish I had a hearing aid, then at least I could switch it off.

- And we will continue, on our brand new ship, to share the greatest lesson of all; that if you really want it, a mid-sized short crossing budget overnight ferry can become home.

- Beautiful words, babes.

I think we can all take something from that.

- Round of applause for Justin!

Captain Justin.

- And Jack.

It's his last supper!

- Alright then.

Justin, and to a lesser extent, Jack.

There's also a cake, it was Denise's idea, not mine.

- Oh!

- I made it myself, it's a Victoria sponge.

There's no gluten in it, because it brings on Justin's irritable bowel.

- God help us all!

- But what it lacks in gluten, it makes up for in the final ingredient.

Love.

- Oh.

- And where would we be without- - Just bring in the cake, Denise.

- Of course.

- Terry, no cake from the grimy galley.

Make an excuse.

- We're okay for cake, thanks.

It bloats her, like massive!

Huh.

- That wasn't what I had in mind.

We'll meet again Don't know where Don't know when But I know we'll meet again Some sunny day - Hello, everyone.

- Alan?

- Alan?

- Finish the song, Emily.

It is your favorite, isn't it?

- You've got some cheek getting on board my ship.

- Oh hello, Jack.

I'll join you if I may?

Oh, I see you didn't keep me a seat.

- You can have my seat if you want.

- No Terry, Alan can go below and eat with his own kind, the rats.

- There's rats?

- Very few.

- But the king rat is sitting right here, isn't he Jack?

- If this all kicks off, stick some of them napkins in your purse, they're proper cotton.

- Alan, please remove yourself from my dining room, immediately.

- Oh, get over yourself, Jack!

I've got as much right to be here as anyone else.

- Jack!

Behave!

Alan, please leave.

- All right, I'll leave.

But this isn't over, for any of you!

(dramatic music) - You should have let him stay.

Anything to block out the sound of her awful voice.

Perhaps that's the reason people like your singing, because it's the only time you're not talking, love.

- Shut up, you old tart!

- What did you call me?

- You heard me, "tart!"

- Can we all just calm down and have some lovely cake?

- Well this can't get any worse.

- Captain!

(diners screaming) - Janus?

(dramatic music) (diners screaming) - There it goes.

- We'll get none now.

(dramatic music) - This is Janus, one of our engineers.

He's evidently drunk and has fallen over again.

Justin, can you get him to the infirmary?

- Could anyone help me?

He's quite a size.

- Yeah.

- I don't want to put my back out, ruin the first day of my new command.

In fact, it may be prudent for me not to lift him at all.

- Right.

- I'll help you.

He doesn't look much bigger than Terry and I carry him up the stairs most Friday nights if we've been out.

Okay, let's get this lad shifted.

- Emily, can you take Colleen to her cabin and get her cleaned-up?

You should be ashamed of yourself!

We don't throw food at the passengers, this is not the Eurostar.

- Sorry Captain.

- It took me two days that cake, and look at it now.

It's a disaster.

- A gluten-free disaster.

(gentle music) - He doesn't look good.

Shouldn't we think about turning back?

- Turning back?

God, no!

No, I've got a ship to deliver.

- He's just drunk.

It's happened before, we once found him face-down in the Duty Free.

- Yeah, he smelled like CK One for a fortnight.

- Seems a bit strange, doesn't it?

He didn't look drunk, he looked panicked if anything.

And we have been in this situation before.

There could be a lot more to this than meets the eye.

- I think we're a long way from anything sinister.

- Hmm.

- I mean, a drunken sailor?

Well, people have written songs about that, haven't they?

Let's not get ourselves all worried about what appears to be a simple accident.

- Yeah, he's right, Gemma.

Can't we just accept it as an accident?

- Just to be sure, maybe I should check the control room, make sure everything's alright.

- No no, no no, you must forgive Justin, he thinks he's Captain already.

But I've still got a day to go and this is still my ship.

I should be the one to check the control room.

Tracy, you stay here with Janus, you're first aid trained.

Denise can man the bar.

- Ah.

- This won't happen when I get my own ship, Denise, you can mark my words.

And the only people in the infirmary will be anyone stupid enough to try the seafood buffet.

- Are you er, are you going to be alright here, Tracy?

- Oh yeah.

Found a copy of Woman's Weekly.

There's a story I want to read about a woman who gave birth to her own ghost.

- Er, no, with Janus, in case he needs anything?

- Oh, right, yeah, probably.

I think I remember the first aid training, but the man who was teaching us was mega-fit, so I pretended to play dead so he could give me mouth-to-mouth.

But when he did, he had proper bad breath, so I think I've just blocked it all out.

It's like a blank space in my head, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

It's not like it's life or death, is it?

(gentle music) - You don't have to come with me.

I can clean myself up perfectly on my own, thank you.

- Jack insisted, and he is still in charge, whether I like it or not.

- Well he's a slimy so and so.

- My God, he is!

I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees it.

He has been leering over the older passengers for years.

Some nights it's like a pornographic version of Jurassic Park.

- Oh.

He's got a long way to go before he gets near my velociraptor.

- Look, look, I'm, I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have let myself go like that.

I have to learn that with a talent as great as mine comes a fiery temper.

- Don't worry about it, love.

I started it, after all.

Do you know, if I'm honest, I see a lot of myself in you.

- Aw, bless, thank you.

Although you probably never had this figure, did you?

- Oh yes, I did.

When I was your age I had that figure, those legs, that attitude.

Thought all I had to do was click my fingers and the world would give me what I wanted.

And look where it led me, not a friend in the world, three divorces and stuck on a ferry with the likes of you!

That's why I'm not angry.

Time will give me all the revenge I need.

You'll see.

In a few years, when you turn out like me.

Oh look, here we are.

(tense music) - [Alan] Emily.

- Argh!

Alan!

Don't surprise people like that!

Don't you think you've made yourself unpopular enough on this cruise?

- Oh, Emily.

I need you.

I've been sneaking around for a year.

We have to tell Justin about us tonight.

- I know darling, but shush, shush, someone might hear.

- I don't care if anybody hears.

This has gone on for too long, Emily.

It's time to tell Justin the truth.

We're good together, we should be together.

Al-Al needs his Booboo.

- Well can we not just keep things the way they are?

I mean Booboo loves her Al-Al as her little treat.

I need the life Justin can provide me, the house, the cars, the peak hour David Lloyd gym membership.

- I can get you a three month trial membership?

- It's not the same.

And the trial is off-peak.

- Oh Emily!

- Hello Alan.

- Colleen.

You haven't even got changed yet.

- No, I couldn't find anything to suit, so I'm just going to find my friends.

- Oh no no, but you need to change your top, it's still got cake on it.

- No need.

Remember, I don't mind looking a sight.

One of the perks of being the ugly one!

Now Alan, try not to play it so desperate, son.

I was nearly sick in my own mouth.

Toodle pip.

- Good, now she's gone.

- No, Alan!

Well go and tell her before she tells Justin everything!

- She should tell him!

Then it'll all be out in the open.

- Alan, I am about to become the wife of a Captain.

I will be a Captain's wife!

- Fine!

I'll tell him myself.

Then you'll be no one's wife!

- No, no, look, look, look, you're very, very precious to me, you know that, but I just need to buy a bit more time.

I'll think of something.

In the meantime, can you stop being a total idiot?

- I'll stop for now, but not forever.

- [Announcer] Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are now in international waters and the casino is open.

- You forgot to mention that as a special treat, I'll be dealing the cards on the Blackjack table.

Let's hope it goes well, because numbers aren't my strong point.

I couldn't even add up how many men my ex-wife has cheated on me with.

(tense music) (upbeat music) - It's my duty to advise you to gamble in moderation, girls, yeah?

Let's not go crazy.

- Put everything on black.

- And if you've got grandchildren, use their inheritance.

- Can you feel the restraint coursing through their veins?

- Oh, major gossip.

- [Both] Oh?

- What is it?

- Oh Colleen, ha ha ha.

I lost you.

You haven't got changed yet, you're still all cakey.

Do you not want to pop down and get sorted and we can have a little talk on the way?

- Aah, I'm settled now.

- I just can't help thinking- - Oh, thinking is not one of your strengths, love.

You want to leave that alone.

Tell you what, why don't we play some Blackjack?

If you walk away with more than me, then I'll come and talk to you.

If not, then, hmm, I'll go and talk to somebody else, won't I?

- Fine.

Shall we start with say 100 pounds?

- Bring it on.

- Oh, well this is exciting, in a slightly menacing sort of way, isn't it?

- Gambling, girls?

I hope you're not frittering away your newfound wealth before you even have it.

Which reminds me, have you considered- - Not now, pervert Santa Claus.

- Yes, of course, as you wish.

- Smooth as butter, eh Jack?

- Terry, all my life I've been searching for the perfect woman.

And now I think I've found her in Mildred.

- Oh.

- Or possibly Hilda.

(upbeat music) - 25, bust!

Oh sorry Emily, but I'm finding it really hard not to feel happy about that.

- Dealer has 18, so the house pays 19 and up.

- Well that's us done then.

Shall we head back to the bar where there's fewer potential arguments?

- Oh no, Gemma.

There's plenty more hands to go.

- Oh yes, I think there will be.

- Great.

Let's just stay here and watch things get out of control then, shall we?

(upbeat music continues) - Nearly done.

Hey, look at me, I'm a mummy in Egypt!

Aw, I'd have hated that, being a mummy.

Wouldn't you?

This fabric in that heat!

I remember I wore leggings once in Ibiza and I thought my legs were on fire.

Then I remembered they were sunburnt, because when I was putting on sun cream, they said it was two for one shots at the swim up bar.

Then my mum said something about me not being able to concentrate on anything.

So yeah, that's how my legs got sunburnt and why I'll never go on holiday in Egypt, you know, because of the mummies.

(tense music) (upbeat music) - Blackjack!

- Colleen, Colleen!

- Yes!

God, it really gets to you proper, gambling, doesn't it?

Makes me glad I've got no savings, they'd have gone 10 minutes ago.

- I need more chips, Bobby.

- Champagne?

- Ooh.

- Courtesy of Captain Jack.

- Give me two.

The adrenalin is sobering me up quicker than I can get it down me!

- Do I like champagne?

- It's free.

When it's free, you drink it first and decide if you like it later.

- Declined.

- What do you bloody mean, declined?

- I think you've maxed-out your card, Emily.

You have lost 1,000 pounds.

Sad times.

- Oh good, Justin's going to whinge.

- Lost, 1,000, Emily, dear.

And I've won six.

I must be lucky.

Either that or I spent my 20s dealing Blackjack in a casino in Wigan.

I'll cash those in now, please.

I've done what I came to do.

It's cost you quite a lot, hasn't it Emily, dear, to stop me talking about the affair you're having with Alan.

- Well, I'm due a break.

Don't forget to join me later in the Admiral's Hole for the karaoke competition.

Star prize is a meal at the restaurant in Amsterdam, where I proposed to the woman who now won't let me in the house that I'm still paying for.

But I still have my dignity and the Sky remote, so who really has the last laugh?

- Emily.

- Alan, you've already made one scene today, I'd prefer it if you didn't make another.

Please leave.

- Why, Jack?

So these people won't hear about how you skim off the Duty Free tills?

I bet Head Office would like to know too.

I wonder how keen they'll be to give you your pension when I tell them you're a thief.

- This won't happen when I'm in charge.

- Alan, time to make yourself scarce, you little squirt.

You've caused enough upset for one voyage.

More than enough.

- You're getting involved too, are you, Justin?

It's your fault they let me go in the first place.

You knew how much I needed that job!

- Once I got Emily the new backing track, she said we had no need for a pianist.

- Did he say- - No.

"Pian-ist."

Plays piano.

- Oh, right.

I thought he said- - We know.

- Alan, I think it's time you left.

- Yes Alan, leave now.

Don't you make me get physical with you.

- Oh!

- See?

Won't even stand up for himself.

Some Captain he'll make!

- What a night, eh, Emily dear?

First you lose a grand and now someone's smacking your bitch up.

- And Emily, sometimes you do need a pianist.

- That time- - No.

- Oh, I think I will change this top after all.

I'm going to stash my winnings.

Before the sleazy captain here gets his slimy little paws on it.

- Yes, well if you'll excuse me, I think I'll just go and check in with the bridge.

- Did I hear right, kitten?

Have you lost 1,000 pounds?

- Oh, not now Justin!

- She'll calm down.

I'll go and rub her feet in a bit.

I haven't got any fancy pants lotion, but I'll just wax some engine grease into a tub of yogurt I've got that's on the turn.

That'll do it.

- Well, we're going to need a drink after that.

The doctor said Jagerbombs would mess with my medication, but he's not here now, is he?

- So where's Mildred?

- She's just gone to the bar.

Do you want me to walk you there?

- Terry, you are such a flirt, no!

I know the way.

Maybe later.

- You've pulled.

Terry, we're supposed to be looking after Mildred and the girls.

- Mildred?

You want to be minding Jack.

Just wait until them Jagerbombs kick in.

- They do make a cute couple though, don't they?

- Yeah.

- Maybe that'll be us one day.

- Well, that's what I'd like to talk to you about.

(gentle music) Gemma, for years we were just friends.

- Hi guys.

- And at this rate, we're going to be just friends for the rest of our lives.

A grand, eh mate?

That was the slap in the face.

But then there was, you know, the slap in the face.

- Well, you know, Emily's passionate, but bloody hell is she expensive.

She's bleeding me dry!

- Justin, you don't need money if you've got love.

- Look at us.

We're living proof of that.

Last Valentine's I gave her a photo of a rose.

- Love is more than just things you can buy for each other.

It's accepting each other for all your faults.

- You're right, of course, Gemma.

Sometimes you know you look at your life, when you're taking off your shoes in the garage of a house you can't afford, to walk on cream carpets that you didn't want and sit on a sofa that you can't even remember if you like or not, and you wonder, what's happened to you?

And then she smiles, and it's all worth it.

You'll do anything for them just to make them happy.

Sometimes you'll do unspeakable things.

If you'll excuse me, I must attend to something below deck.

- You know what?

He proper cheers me right up!

Come on, shall we get some air?

- Oh yeah, we might see a dolphin.

- Gemma, it's night time.

- Yeah, we might smell one.

Come on.

(gentle music) - Emily and Justin, eh.

They've got the same kind of love as us Gem, but without, you know, the psycho bit at the end.

- You're so not up to speed.

Emily is having a fling with Alan.

- Give over!

- I know!

This is the most exciting trip ever.

Drama, arguments.

We're not involved in any of it.

Hey, we might be the ones writing the one-star Trip Advisor reviews this time.

- Brilliant.

While you're in such a good mood, I'd just like to say this has been the best year of my entire life.

- Really?

- Hmm.

- We nearly got killed this time last year.

- Well... - A woman tried to stab me in a toilet in Blackpool, remember?

- But we got together, and then we moved in.

- But I didn't ask you to move in.

Sort of stayed over and never left.

You're like a squatter, but one who shares his chips.

- But what I'm trying to say Gemma, is... For years we were just friends, but now we're more than friends.

- Oh!

Bloody hell!

Nearly gave me a heart attack that did.

Right, let's go and find the girls and get hammered.

- Oh for... (ship horn blaring) (tense music) - Where the bloody hell am I?

(tense music continues) - [Announcer] Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are happy to announce that Happy Half Hour has started in the Admiral's Hole, where we will be... - [Denise] Sorry to interrupt, but we've just found a case of Bailey's without a sell-by date on it in the stock room.

So, if you're up for a gamble, we're selling them five shots for a pound.

(tense music) - What do you want?

(tense music) It's raining men, hallelujah, it's raining men Amen I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna let myself get Absolutely soaking wet It's raining men - A word of warning, he'll have that safety deposit box key if they're not careful.

He's very smooth.

Had an access ramp built into his cabin.

- Oh, I think he's met his match.

- Yes, well I'll just be glad when he's gone, and Justin and Emily and I have our own ship.

- I'll take a bottle of champers for me and my future captain.

- Oh, she knows how to treat her man.

- She's an angel.

You might have the odd little tantrum, but once you calm down, your biggest strength is in acting like it never happened at all.

Which is actually very brave.

- Well, this is our special trip and no one's going to spoil it for us, you mark my words.

A fresh start on a fresh ship.

- Oh.

- Speaking of healthy stable relationships, looks like Jack's about to drop anchor.

- Gemma, I'd like to lodge a complaint.

- What's wrong?

- Mildred's hogging Jack.

By the time I get my go he'll be spent.

- Right, um... Well maybe when Mildred's done, you can let Jack recharge himself a bit and then have your go on him?

Is it wrong I'm starting to feel like a nautical pimp?

- No.

- It's got me all riled-up!

Set my waters off, I can feel myself sloshing!

Can you help me to the loo?

- Bar toilets are blocked I'm afraid, truckers have just had their dinner.

- You can use the one in my cabin, we're just one deck up.

Right Terry, help Hilda.

She's sloshing.

(gentle music) - Draw me like one of your French girls, Jack.

- Well, er, I, I've only got a Biro.

But I'll do my best.

(gentle music continues) - This is huge.

Tiny.

Our cabins are like little floating coffins.

- Terry, why are the girls sleeping in floating coffins?

- I'll tell you why, so he can keep all the money for himself and fritter it all away on this palace.

- Gemma, I just wanted you to have the best for once.

See them pillows on that bed, they're hypoallergenic.

I mean, for all I know, that means they were made in Hypoallergenia, but, but they're still the best.

- Well I can't deny your motives.

- I'll make it right, I promise.

And not in the usual way.

There's no garage forecourt flowers in the middle of the North Sea.

- Well I think we have to swap cabins with them.

We are the tour operators, we should have the worst accommodation.

- Don't be daft!

There's three of them!

- Oh, come on.

Look at the size of Mildred.

There's two and half of them at the most.

- She's right, we can easily get two in that bed and I can sleep in the chair.

I live in a home dear, I'm basically a professional chair sleeper.

- Gemma, no.

- Go and get their bags, Terry.

- Here are our key cards, and this is Colleen's, she gave me her spare in case me and Mildred got in a fight.

We don't always see eye-to-eye on Bingo and Mildred kicks off if she thinks anyone's been using her dabber.

- It's typical, this.

I try and do one thing right and what happens?

The devil farts up my nose one more time.

1256.

Mildred, are you in here?

Oh no no, no no no no no!

No!

Please let me forget, please let me forget, please let me forget!

- Look, I don't know what you think you saw in there.

- I saw everything.

I wanted to use these eyes again!

Tell Mildred she's swapping cabins with me and Gemma and I'll come to collect her bags in five minutes.

- Oh, right.

You couldn't give it say half an hour?

- [Mildred] An hour, Jack.

- An hour, could you?

- Yeah, yes, just...

I can't believe I'm saying this, but go easy on her.

Yeah, she's not long had her hip done.

- Aye aye, sailor.

(upbeat music) - Right, 1257.

Let's hope there's no surprises in here.

(upbeat music continues) (dramatic music) Oh dear god!

- Yes, it seems Gemma may be right, Terry, this wasn't accidental.

- Poor Colleen.

- Looks like Jane McDonald's Secretions was the weapon of choice.

- Poor Jane.

She'll not be happy about that.

Ooh, there there love, don't cry.

She's in a better place.

- I'm not crying, it's the smell.

Jane wasn't lying, it proper stings!

- Yes, yes, it's very vibrant on the nose.

We use it to clean the flies off the windows on the bridge.

- Well what do we do now, Jack?

Lock down the ship?

- I'm afraid not, no.

That'll cause panic, which will drive down bar sales.

No.

No, I'll get poor Colleen into the ship's morgue, and then I'll sniff out the executioner.

You go and get Gemma and Hilda and put yourselves in the bar, somewhere you're visible, just to be safe.

- The bar does seem like the best option.

I'll get straight onto it.

Mildred, get some clothes on.

And if you could keep them on forever, I'd be obliged.

- Well say what you like Terry, I'm not ashamed of my body.

- Yeah, a fact I've recently become very aware of!

(tense music) - Look at him.

- The Captain, get the Captain.

You're all in great danger.

- Janus!

You're alive!

Well, I wasn't expecting that.

I was practicing my sad face for when they all got back and I had to tell them you didn't make it.

- The Captain!

- Right, yeah.

Oh, what am I like?

Honestly, I can blabber can't I?

Come on, focus Trace!

Captain?

Janus has woken up!

He's not dead, he's not drunk and he's asking for you.

Oh, he says we're all in great danger.

Oh wait, hang on, I'm on the tannoy.

Er, nothing to worry about everyone.

Enjoy your holidays.

Oh, I've mucked this right up.

- If he's not drunk, that means someone's done this to him.

The same person that's killed Colleen.

- Colleen's dead?

- Yes.

- Oh no!

How did she go?

- Beaten to death with a big bottle of Jane McDonald.

- Did I like this Colleen?

I've gone fuzzy again.

- Nobody did.

But it's still sad.

- I'll have a little cry then.

- Girls, you stay close to us from now on.

We'll protect you.

- Gemma's right.

Look, no running off anywhere.

- Terry, we've not run anywhere for 20 years.

We're not going to start now.

- Yeah, fair point.

Alright, come on, all of you, fast waddle to the bar.

- Why is Mildred's top on inside out?

- I'll horrify you with that later.

- Oh yes, Janus?

- Please, the Captain.

The ship will sink.

- "Shink?"

- Sink.

- Sink?

Down to the bottom of the sea?

- Yes.

- I haven't brought my swimming costume or anything.

I'll get the Captain.

Oh, not about the swimming costume.

I don't think he'd have a spare or anything.

Well you never know, do you?

People get up to all sorts behind closed doors.

Oh look at me!

Concentrate, honestly.

My mum says it'll be the death of me.

She might be right if I don't warn everyone.

I mean, she'd be gutted that I'd drowned, but probably quite chuffed that she was proven right.

Right!

Enough!

I'll get the Captain.

- What's wrong with this chick?

- Hurry up.

- Oh thank god!

I've got to find the Captain, the ship is going to... (dramatic music) - Do you ever get the feeling we should have just flown?

(tense music) (Janus screaming) - I know this probably isn't the time, but I was right, wasn't I, when I said something was going on?

- Well I think I'm going to have to give you this one, yeah.

- Good.

So long as we know.

- I've been in touch with the authorities in Amsterdam, they'll meet us in the morning.

- And now we've got three bodies.

- And do you know what that means?

- Three means we have a serial killer on our hands.

- Worse than that.

- The morgue on this ship only has room for two corpses.

- In the event of a third, we have to... - Implement the ice cream protocol.

(tense music) - Once we've put human remains in the ice cream fridges, we have to condemn the whole lot.

Bon appetit.

- Well, on the one hand, I do miss Colleen, but on the other hand, this is a Neopolitan.

- Now myself and the other staff are going to search the ship, see if we can find the man responsible, by which of course I mean Alan.

Slimy little sod, I should have locked him up the moment he came on board.

We have to find him before he strikes again.

- Natasha's dead!

- No, she's just passed out!

- Oh sorry.

Carry on.

- I must also ask if there are any able-bodied passengers who might wish to help?

- Terry's here.

- Or you could have just said nothing, Mildred.

- Come back to me.

I can't go through this life without you.

- And I can't without you.

Gemma, before I spend the first night of this holiday looking for a pretty vicious murderer, I need to say something.

For years we were just friends- - No time Terry, we must find Alan.

- Fine!

Come on then, let's go and kick this bloke's head in!

- We're only going to ask him some questions.

- Oh potato, potato, come on!

- Just be careful, Justin, for God's sake.

- That advice is best suited to Alan.

No one plays silly buggers on my ship.

- I think you'll find it's my ship.

I swear, by the gods of the sea, I will get you to Amsterdam and your safety deposit box.

And we'll open it together.

- Right, I'll try and keep the hen night busy with activities.

- Fine.

Well, um, fire up the karaoke.

- Ooh!

Karaoke!

- It's a bit of me, that is.

- Where are you going, Emily?

- To see if I can find Alan before any of the others do.

- Karaoke!

Right, who wants to go fir- - We'd like to go first, please.

(tense music) (upbeat music) Come and smile, don't be shy Touch my bum, this is life Ooh, we are the Cheeky Girls We are the Cheeky Girls You are the cheeky boys You are the cheeky boys We are the Cheeky Girls We are the Cheeky girls You are the cheeky boys You are the cheeky boys Ooh boys, cheeky girls Ooh girls, cheeky boys Ooh boys, cheeky girls Ooh girls, cheeky boys Ooh boys, cheeky girls Ooh girls, cheeky boys Ooh boys, cheeky girls Ooh girls, cheeky boys I never ever ask where do you go (dramatic music) - Oh god!

Not another bloody Dippy the Dolphin!

You shouldn't be down here on your own.

Just er, just stick with me.

Yeah?

As soon as we've found Alan, I'll take you back upstairs.

Alright?

(dramatic music continues) Nothing.

I don't even know why I'm looking.

He could be anywhere.

I don't know my way around this place.

- Although, I've got a feeling you do.

Isn't that right, Alan?

So not even a fish!

Alan?

- What is it now?

- Run!

(upbeat music) Cheeky cheeky!

- Emily!

- Don't worry, don't worry, I've locked the doors, he can't get in!

Terry, get here now!

Alan is being beaten to death by a... - Dolphin, holding a knock-off Toblerone.

Just say it love, it is what it is.

(dramatic music) - Gemma.

Alan's not the murderer.

- I'm not entirely sure we can rule that out.

- Look, let's not let this get us down.

We just have to sit and wait, and hopefully we'll all be alive when the sun comes up.

- If that's the case, we might as well have stayed in the home.

- Are you alright, Terry?

- No, Gemma, I'm not.

This was meant to be a romantic mini-break.

If I wanted this amount of violence and bloodshed on my holidays, I'd have booked an all-inclusive to Malaga.

I am going to get to the bottom of all this.

Right, I think I've figured out which one of you lot done this!

(dramatic music) - Sorry, slipped.

For my quiz.

- Jack, you hated Alan, didn't you?

And wasn't he going to see to it that your pension got stopped?

- Yes!

And Colleen, you two hated each other at first sight.

- How dare you?

I do not kill my passengers.

- Hmm, that's what they all say, but Terry's got you.

Bang to rights, you're going down.

- Gemma, love, I'm trying to do my thing here.

- Sorry, Mr. Poirot.

Carry on.

- Besides, Jack wouldn't spoil his final cruise by bumping people off, Gemma.

It's not his style.

- Oh, right.

- No.

He'd much rather be diddling Mildred in her quarters.

- So who is it then Terry?

Oh, Justin?

- Excuse me?

- Yes, Justin.

You wanted to kill Colleen for her money, didn't you?

- Oh oh, oh oh.

And Colleen humiliated Emily as well, didn't she?

- That proves nothing!

Emily's been sniggered at by hundreds of people while she's been singing, I haven't killed any of them, have I?

- And Alan.

Of course!

Emily was having an affair with Alan, wasn't she?

Oh God.

Does he know?

He doesn't know, does he?

Forget I said anything.

- Justin, I know how it feels, watching someone you love loving someone else.

I spent years watching Gemma with loads of other blokes.

- Loads?

- An amount of blokes, and it hurt me, deeply.

It's a good enough reason for killing someone who's having an affair with your wife, Justin, wasn't it?

- Justin, what... What's he saying?

I don't understand.

- Oh, give up, Emily.

I've suspected since Christmas.

The times you said you were visiting your mother?

I've spoken to your mother.

You were never there.

She won't let you in the house.

Your mother hates you.

- Well she's just never taken the time to get to know me.

- Anyway, Denise confirmed it for me last week.

- Denise?

- But I said I thought it was just a silly fling.

I was trying to help.

- But you couldn't kill Alan, even if you wanted to.

Could you Justin?

- No.

- No.

And why is that?

- Because he made Emily happy.

- Because he made Emily happy.

- Oh, Justin.

But you and Emily can sort it all out now, can't you?

- Yeah, now that Alan's gone.

- Oh, Terry, I see where you're going with this now.

It was Emily, wasn't it?

- Bang on the money, my little ginger ninja.

- Are you insinuating I did this, you pudgy little turd?

- Oi!

- It's no good trying to sweet-talk me like that, Emily.

You needed Colleen's money and you hated her for the things she'd said to you.

And you were worried that Alan was going to blow the lid on your dirty little affair.

- Yes!

Go on Terry!

Woo hoo, hoo!

- Gemma, Gemma.

People have died.

- Sorry, sorry.

On behalf of Draper's Tours, please accept our humblest sympathies at this difficult time.

Except for you, Emily.

You can suck it!

Hm hm hm!

This pudgy little turd got you in the end and now it's over.

You can relax now everyone.

We're out of danger.

(dramatic music) (all screaming) - [Terry] This is it!

What comes next, Emily?

- [Gemma] Terry!

- The DJ box is down, people, the DJ box is down!

- The emergency generator will kick in at any second and everything will be alright.

(all screaming) (dramatic music) Ah, see?

Everything is going to be just fine.

(dramatic music) - I mean, of course I could be wrong about the murderer.

(dramatic music) Everyone, watch your backs.

The killer could still be here in this room.

- Bridge to the Captain.

- [Tracy] Yes?

Yes, go ahead.

- We're taking on water and the external communications are down!

- Can't you pump the bloody water out?

- [Tracy] We can't sir!

The emergency pump hasn't kicked in yet!

Arrgh!

- Well I'm going below to see if I can start the pumps.

Justin, you stay here, help the passengers.

If the murderer pops up, deal with that, will you?

- Can I have a top-up please, Denise?

You know, seeing as it might be my last one ever.

- Oh, help yourself Terry.

There doesn't seem much point in charging for them now.

- Are you going to be alright, Justin?

- Yeah.

Denise is here.

She's always here when I need her.

When Emily had her melt-downs.

Like after her audition for The Voice and the X Factor.

And Bake Off.

God, I thought she was going to kill me after Bake Off.

- Yes.

Hey, I'll always be here, Chicken.

- You're... You're very close in this photo, aren't you Denise?

- We always have been, Terry.

- Makes you wonder, Gemma, doesn't it?

What you might do if the love of your life was taken away from you.

This was all about Justin, wasn't it?

You did all this just to be with him.

You murdered Alan and Emily, just to punish them for hurting your beloved Justin.

- Terry!

What reason would I have to kill one of my best friends?

- The reason that makes the world turn, Denise.

Love.

The same reason that made me slightly embezzle some money from three pensioners, to get me and Gemma a better cabin.

And I'll bet she's just offered you six grand to help you with your money troubles, the exact same amount that Colleen won in the casino.

- No.

- Oh.

Right.

To be honest, that last one was a bit of a punt.

- Hmm.

- So, am I no longer under suspicion then?

I do have a dear friend here who has just lost his wife.

- No.

Sorry, Denise.

I guess I just let my mind run away with myself I guess.

- And to think I gave you an industry discount on your drinks!

Judith Chalmers herself didn't get a discount!

- It's a lovely photo.

- I'm very sorry Denise.

Terry's just trying to help, that's his way.

Sometimes it's endearing, sometimes it's accusing people of murder.

It's just... - He was wrong, Gemma.

Poor Denise has been here all night.

Well, except for when she's gone to get more drinks from the stock room.

- Yeah Mildred, in the stock room.

(dramatic music) In Denise's locker.

She could get all over the ship from down there.

I knew I was right, I... (passengers screaming) - Well, seems like you've got it all worked out, Terry.

- Terry, she's got a gun!

- I know.

I can see it.

- Everyone, the lights should be working again momentarily, but the pump room is flooded.

I'm afraid it doesn't look good.

We may have to abandon ship.

And I don't want to panic anyone, but we don't seem to have any life jackets.

Oh.

Am I to assume you're the person responsible for my passengers dying?

- Very clever, Jacky.

- Oh Jack, she's got a gun!

Do something!

- Don't worry Mildred, that's just a flare gun.

She only has one shot.

Yes, yes, well don't, don't use it on me, shoot Terry, like you were going to.

- Justin, we're leaving.

- Why are you doing this Denise, I thought Emily was your friend?

- Friend?

Oh for years I've cow-towed to her and I was fine with it.

As long as my Justin was happy.

And that's all I want Justin.

- You could start by not pointing a gun at my head.

- See?

He's so funny.

Aren't you my love?

So, when Emily started cheating on you, I knew what I had to do.

I only wanted to kill her, but then everybody else kept getting in the way.

And Alan, well, how dare he turn up and slap my Justin!

He definitely had to go.

I mean that's straightforward justice, isn't it?

- No.

- Look, I've planned it perfectly and now the ship is going to sink, taking all the dead bodies with it.

All the proof and all of you.

There'll just be me and Justin left in a lifeboat.

- We can all get in lifeboats, Denise.

- Really?

And which ones haven't I put holes in, Jacky?

Come on my love, let's get out of here.

(dramatic music) - I don't approve of her methods, but you can't fault her passion for the old thing, can you?

- So, do we know who the murderer is yet?

(dramatic music) - Come with me, Justin!

We'll be the brave survivors of a sunken ship!

You can still be a captain and I can be a captain's wife, like the Beyonce and Jay-Z of the North Sea, remember?

With none of the money, but all of the wifi access.

- Oh Denise, the wifi is free, you just have to put in your email address!

- Oh!

- We need to smash the door down!

- I'll sort it.

I used to be a safe cracker.

- Look, I did all this for you.

Come with me now and just see how many more people I kill.

It'll be hardly any at all, I promise.

- You're currently sinking a whole ship full of people!

- Don't focus on the details, I'm not a monster, I'm just highly motivated!

- This will shift it!

- All right?

- Mildred, Hilda, you two stay here.

This could be dangerous.

- Terry's right, there's no sense in all of us getting killed.

We should stay.

- Very brave, Jack!

- [Denise] Open the door!

- Denise, stop!

You're right, you're right.

- I am?

- I've wanted you for so long, Denise.

As long as I can remember.

- What?

Really?

- Yes!

You're the only one who's ever really cared about me.

Who sat with me when I was revising for my captain's license?

You did.

Who shaves my back when it's coming over the top of my collar?

- Me.

- You do, Denise.

- Oh, but I couldn't compete with Emily.

She was perfect.

- Only on the outside.

And even then only 10 to 12 years ago.

Some nights I stay awake dreaming of holding you in my arms.

- And you can have me.

This moment is when we can make that happen!

(gentle music) - Justin?

What are you doing?

- Just so you know, before you drown, I didn't kill your Colleen.

I'll admit, I killed the others, but I never touched your friend.

But if I were you, I'd go to the bar and I'd get a brandy in you, the water's really cold.

- You'll not get away with this.

- Oh, I think I will.

(dramatic music) - No, Denise, you won't.

- Justin, why?

- For Emily.

She may have had her faults- - So many faults.

- We haven't got time to list them now, but I still loved her, Denise, and you took her away from me.

- I'm cold.

- I'm here.

I'll be here until, you know... Well, you die.

- Forgive me?

- No.

(gentle music) - [Jack] How are we doing out there?

- It's over.

She's dead.

- We're saved!

- Hilda, the ship is still sinking!

- Justin, we need to get the pumps started, we need to save the ship.

- I'm on it.

Come on Terry.

- Where are we going?

- To save about a hundred lives.

- He gets a bit sexy when he's in command, doesn't he?

- You know, you say that, but take away the uniform and he's just a bossy bloke with a lot of purpose.

- The main pump room is flooded, but I can swim across it and get to the pumps.

Once I'm there, I'll start them up and we should be okay.

It's a bit of a distance, but I think I can make it.

- Can I say, I'm loving your use of the word "I".

You've not said "we" once!

And I'm very grateful for it.

- Don't worry Terry, your only job is to stand there and keep the rope taught.

If I get in trouble, I'll pull once on it and you can pull me back.

- You're luck's in, standing still is one of my strengths.

- Good luck!

- For Emily!

(dramatic music) - I was wondering, you know, seeing as we're not entirely sure we're not going to drown... - Right?

- If I could ask you something?

- Go for it.

- Well, Gemma, for years we were friends.

Now we're more than- - Oh da da da!

If you're going to ask me what I think you're going to ask me, you can wait and do it somewhere a bit more romantic!

I'm going to hopefully get to tell people where you did this, and standing in a smelly plant room on a sinking ship is not going to be it!

- Right.

Yeah.

Wrong time.

He's taking his time, isn't he?

If this were a movie, he'd be done by now.

It's gone slack!

What does that mean?

- Well I don't know, pull it!

- Alright.

- Oh, Terry, I don't think he's made it!

- Well give him a sec!

Right.

Shall we go up on deck?

Enjoy one last moonlit night before it's all over?

- Or we could raid the bar and get slaughtered?

Might make it a bit easier when the ship goes down.

- And that is why I love you.

- Oh.

- I did it!

Pumps are running.

We're going to make it.

(upbeat music) Where were you going?

- Just looking for some, some more rope.

- Come on then, we've got passengers to reassure.

(dramatic music) - This is your Captain speaking for the final time.

The Empress of the Tyne has arrived in Amsterdam.

It has been my honor to deliver you, well most of you, safely.

And I hope the captain of the new Empress will take away as many happy memories as I know I do.

Thank you.

(gentle music) Good luck.

- Thank you, sir.

(gentle music) - Well, we got here.

- Hmm.

- Aye up, looks like they got what they were looking for in the safety deposit box.

- Ooh, come on girls, what did Marge leave you then?

- The jackpot, Gemma, the bloody jackpot!

- Yes!

- Oh.

- Aw, it's a shame that Colleen isn't here to enjoy it with you though.

- Oh, not really.

We each ended up with more on account of her being dead.

- It's still bothering me though that even at the end, Denise said that she hadn't killed Colleen.

- Well that's because she didn't kill her dear.

I did.

- Hilda?

- Did I forget to mention it?

- Oh, well she wanted me to.

Had a tumor, you see, in her head.

And we said she should go to Switzerland, that Dignity place, the one where they pop you off with the nice music playing?

But she said it would be better coming from a friend.

So I stepped up, like a good friend should, and bashed her head right in.

- Oh my God!

- Colleen never mentioned any tumor to me.

- Oh yes, she couldn't walk for the pain.

- Hilda, Colleen walked onto the ship with us.

- Oh yes.

Who am I thinking about then?

- Doris?

- Doris.

Oh it's very sad.

Last week she died of a brain tumor.

Mildred, I think I've killed the wrong person.

- No, well I think we should um... - We, well we should... - I think what you're trying to say is, that we shouldn't bother the police with this, should we?

- Well, that's one way to look at it Mildred, yeah.

- And we could all agree to just forget this ever happened.

- I promise I will, Mildred.

- I don't doubt you for a second, Hilda, but I've got to ask, what happened with Colleen's money?

I mean you've got your millions now, but what happened to the six grand?

- Don't worry, I did the right thing with that.

(upbeat music) - Everything on black, please.

- Seven, red.

- Woo hoo!

Oh.

- I think I'd better look after our money from now on.

We're meeting Jack later.

He's going to give us some financial advice.

Oh come on Hilda, let's go shopping.

Oh, keep your hands where I can see them.

By the look of you, you might still have the blood lust.

Come on.

- She's going to wish she'd held onto that six grand.

Eighty pence.

- What?

- What I'm holding.

Sudanese shillings, they're worth about eighty pence.

Look at the exchange rate.

They're walking around Amsterdam with about 100 quid's worth of collapsed currency.

- Hey, wait 'til they see the look on Jack's face.

- Should I go and tell them?

- Nah.

Let them enjoy the moment.

Well, you know what they say, life's all about moments, isn't it?

- Hmm.

- Not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.

- Aah.

Are you drunk?

- No!

(gentle music) I'm doing this.

Gemma, for years we were just friends... Oh.

(Gemma screaming) Oh for... (water plopping) Sake!

(gentle music)