The Carol Burnett Show: Carol's Favorites

(theme music) Welcome to our show!

(applause) Thank you!

This evening, aside from our regulars, Harvey Korman and Lyle Waggoner and Vicki Lawrence, our special guests are Tim Conway and Ray Charles!

(applause) Listen, we've got a lot of show for you tonight, so don't go away, we'll be right back.

(applause) (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood.

It's The Carol Burnett Show with Harvey Korman... ...Vicki Lawrence and Lyle Waggoner.

(upbeat music) (soft music) (man) Shopping.

Boy, do I hate shopping.

Stop grumbling, Howard.

Look at this place, will ya?

Baseball bats, hockey sticks, it's a mess.

Who's grumbling now?

I just straightened up this morning.

Ah, what do you expect from teenagers?

Is turning off the TV too much to ask?

(Howard) Will you quit picking on the kid?

Oh, it's all your fault, Howard, you and your ideas about bringing up a child.

(Howard) Well, what's wrong, what's wrong with being a buddy to your kid?

(woman) Nothing, and there's nothing wrong with football or wrestling or hockey except that you have a daughter, not a son.

Well, she is a little bit of a tomboy, -but she'll outgrow it.

-Well, now, you see, that's just what I mean, Howard!

The time to straighten her out is now!

You've had a son for 15 years, now I want a daughter!

-Oh, Phyllis.

-Now, Howard!

(Howard) Mm, gee!

Can you come down a minute, Charlie?

(Phyllis) Her name is Charlotte.

(Howard) Charlotte!

(Charlie) Yeah, Pa!

(speaking gibberish) (Howard) Take the first on two, 42, hut, 1, 2!

-Touchdown!

-Hey, great run, kid!

-Way to go!

-Howard!

(Howard) Uh, your mother and I want to talk to you for a minute.

(Phyllis) Your father wants to talk to you.

Why don't I just leave you guys alone?

(audience laughing) (Howard) Gee, Charlie, I don't know where to begin.

(Charlie) What's up, Pop?

Spit it out!

(Howard) Well, you know your mother.

(Charlie) Sorta.

(Howard) Well, she thinks you oughta be more ladylike.

Sit down, Charlie.

(Charlie) Ladylike how?

(Howard) Well, you see, your mother does have a point, Charlie.

Let me try to explain something to you.

Now, you see, being a little girl is very much like a plant.

Yeah, a plant!

You see, it starts out as just a tiny little round seed, about that big, yea big.

And then it shoots up into a thin, straight blade.

Nothing much to look at then, but with promise of things to come.

And then it happens almost magically, overnight!

Just like with a woman, suddenly it's full and leafy and it blossoms into a beautiful flower.

Of course, you know what happens then.

Blech.

(Howard) What I'm trying to say is, Charlie, that when you grow up, your life's gonna be wonderful!

I mean, you're gonna get married, you're gonna have a home, you're gonna have kids just like your mother and me!

(Charlie) When does the wonderful part come in?

(Howard) Now don't fight me on this, Charlie.

I happen to like you the way you are, but let's face facts, you're growing up.

What do you think of this?

(Charlie) You want my honest opinion?

-Yeah.

-You'll get arrested.

(Howard) Not for me, we bought this for you!

-For me?

-Yeah!

-That's a dress!

-Yeah, a dress!

-I can't wear that!

-It's time you started-- (Charlie) Every time some guy tackles me, he'll see my underwear!

-Try it on!

-I can't wear this, Pa!

-No!

-And try these shoes on, too.

-Shoes?

-Yeah.

(Charlie) I can't wear--bleh!

-Come on, try 'em on!

-Everybody'll say I'm a sissy!

(Howard) Come on, for me!

For me, for your old man!

And do something about your hair!

(door slamming) (doorbell ringing) (applause) (Howard) All right, Frankie, how are you?

(Frankie) Hi, real good, yeah.

-Charlie home?

-Yeah, yeah, she'll be down in a few minutes.

You wanna close the door?

-Frankie.

-Hmm?

-Why don't you sit down?

-Oh, yeah, thanks.

Say, if Charlie's busy, I can come back.

(Howard) No, no, no, no, no, no.

She'll be down in a few minutes.

Why don't you and I have a little talk?

-Right, yeah.

-At ease.

(audience laughing) You know, you and my daughter have been buddies for a long time now, Frankie.

Don't you think that's a little unusual -for a boy and girl your age?

-Huh?

Oh, no, you see, that's the great thing about Charlie.

You don't even know she's a girl.

(Howard) But she is a girl, I think it's time you realized that.

-Know what I mean?

-Well, I'll give it a try.

(Howard) Yeah.

And pretty soon, she's gonna be a young woman.

-Uh-huh.

Hm?

-Suppose you notice the changes in her already, huh?

Changes?

(Howard) Physical changes.

(Frankie) Uh, maybe I'd better come back.

(Howard) No, no, no, no, no.

She'll be down, I'll call her.

Hey, Charlie, come on down, we all want to look at ya!

-Hey, Pop!

-Yeah.

(Charlie) What is this, some kind of joke, Pop?

(Howard) You look fantastic, sweetheart.

Doesn't she, Frankie?

(Charlie) Frank!

-Yeah, I, uh-- -Frank!

-Huh?

-I'm warning you, if you tell any of the guys about this, I'll deck ya!

(Frankie) Ah, ah, ah!

Oh, I wouldn't tell 'em!

Gosh, they wouldn't believe me anyway.

-Wow.

-Hey, come on, turn around!

Turn around, I want to take a good look at you, come on!

Oh, hey, pretty soon, you're gonna be filled out -just like your mother.

-Oh, no, not me.

I ain't gonna wear one of those dumb things.

(Howard) Why don't we all sit down for a minute, huh?

There we go.

Say, they still have those school dances every month?

(Charlie) Yeah, I guess so.

Why?

(Howard) That looks like a terrific dress to wear to a dance.

-Oh, Pop.

-Why don't you and Frankie -go to the next dance together?

-Me and Frank?

-Yeah!

-No, no, -I ain't much of a dancer.

-Dancing's fun!

-I'll put some music on.

-Oh, Pop, -this is dumb!

-It isn't dumb!

Dancing is terrific, you'll really enjoy it!

-Come on, it's a lot of fun.

-Why don't I come back later?

(Howard) No, no, no, will you try a few steps, Frankie?

-Just a few steps.

-Well, I mean, if he really-- (Howard) Sure, what is it gonna hurt?

(Frankie) Okay.

(audience laughing) Not with me, with her.

You dingbat.

There you go.

(mellow music) That's it, come on, Frankie!

That's it.

One, two, one, two.

That's it.

Move around a little bit more, Frank.

(Frankie) Hey, uh, Charlie?

-I mean, Charlotte?

-What?

Wanna know something?

Without your football pads, you're really soft.

(chuckling) Well, that's a wrap on the dance, guys.

It's getting kinda late, hate to break it up.

Come on, it's getting late, guys.

Frankie, Charlie.

-Dance is over.

-Oh!

That was kinda fun!

Thank you very much for the dance, Franklin.

(Frankie) Wasn't bad at all.

Well, I'd better be going now.

-I'll walk you home.

-Oh, gee, that'd be great.

(Howard) Don't be long, Charlie, it's getting late.

(Charlie) Please, Father, my name is Charlotte, and I wish you'd treat me more grown-up like.

(Howard) Yeah, yeah, but don't forget, it gets dark very early these days!

(Charlie) Don't worry about it, Pop, I may sleep over.

Come on, Frank.

Phyllis!

Phyllis!

(applause) Ladies and gentlemen, the genius of Mr. Ray Charles.

(applause) (indistinct remarks) (Ray) Hello, Mama Hear me, Mama Oh, now, Mama Whoa, yeah Mama Oh, look, Mama I've got somethin' I want to talk to you about this evening I don't mean no harm, but listen Look what they done to my song - What they done, son - Whoa, Mama Look what they done to my song, Ma Oh, Lord Only thing I could do half right And now it's turning out all wrong, Mama Look what they done to my song Wait a minute Wish I could find a good book - What for - I wanna live in, girls Wish I could find a good book Hey, hey, hey, hey If I could find a real good book You know, I'd never have to come out and look at what they done to my song Right, girls Look what they done to my brain Mama, oh, mama Look what they done to my brain You know, Mama, it's a shame what they did, you won't believe it!

They picked it like a chicken bone And I'm just about to go insane, Mama Look what they done to my brain All right, girls, give me that in French.

Ils ont change ma chanson -Say what?

- Mama -Oh, Mama!

- Ils ont change ma chanson (vocalizing) Ils ont change I don't even understand it.

Tell me, what did I say, Mama (female singers) Ils ont change ma chanson (Ray) We'd better do this in English here, so I know what I'm talking about.

Look what they done to my song, Ma (female singer) Look at it, look at it Look what they done to my song, Mama (vocalizing) Wait a minute.

Put it in a plastic bag, then they turned the bag upside down, Mama Look what they done to my song (vocalizing) You know, Mama The only thing I can do half right And now it's turning out all wrong, Mama If I could find a real good book You know, I'd never have to come out and look at what they're doing, Mama, to my brain It's a shame, you won't believe it, Mama Picked it like a chicken bone and I'm just about to go insane, Mama What they doing, Mama, to my song It's wrong, Mama, I swear it's wrong, listen Put it in a plastic bag, then they turned the bag upside down, Mama (vocalizing) Oh, Lord Whoa, Mama, I don't know, Mama What they doing to my song I don't care about it, Mama The main thing is what they're doing to me You don't know They stole everything I had, Mama They made a million with it, too, but that's all right, Mama And I keep on working on the building Yes, I will, Mama Just like you taught me Yeah, Mama Oh, Mama, what they doing to my song Oh, now, Lord, Lord, Lord Have mercy (vocalizing) Mama (indistinct singing) Yeah, Mama Whoa, one more time, y'all That's all right, guitar (applause) (bright music) Where is that apprentice?

He should've been here an hour ago!

(audience laughing) (man) Hello.

-Well, it's about time!

-Mr. Branagan?

-Yeah!

-How do you do, sir?

-Hi.

-I'm Virgil Frisby.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I'm supposed to give you this note right away, sir.

(audience laughing) (Branagan) "Please make sure that the bearer of this letter, Virgil Frisby, drinks his milk... ...takes a nap after lunch."

-This from the boss?

-Uh, no, it's from my mommy.

See, sometimes I skip my milk, so she put that in there.

(Branagan) Oh.

Well, if you drink it today, I'll give you a Twinkie.

That'd be neato.

(Branagan) Cut the chatter, will ya?

We've got a lot of work to do.

-Okay, on the scaffold!

-All right.

-And up we go.

-Uh... Did you say "up"?

(Branagan) Yeah, I said "up."

(Virgil) You mean like up, up there-- (Branagan) Yeah, up, up, up!

How do you think we're gonna get that poster up?

(Virgil) Oh, no, I'm scared of height.

-Scared of height?

-Yeah.

Oh, well, look, we all have our little hang-ups, and we've gotta learn how to lick 'em, you know what I mean?

-Now come on.

-Oh, I can't, I can't.

-I said come on!

-I can't!

I'm too scared!

(Branagan) Oh, you are, huh?

I'll show you how to overcome your fear little guy.

(Branagan) Didn't do me any good either, I've got news for you.

(audience laughing) All right, now, you see, there's nothing to it.

All you gotta do-- no, remember one thing, -don't look down!

-Right.

Ah, no!

Oh!

What are you doing?

We're not even off the ground yet.

(Virgil) Oh!

-Grab that rope, will ya?

-Oh, this?

Here?

-That's right.

-Uh-huh.

(Branagan) You got it?

Now we're gonna pull ourselves up.

-When I say three, we go.

-Uh-huh.

(Branagan) One, two, three, pull!

Pull your rope, dum-dum!

-This one.

-That's it, that's it.

-That's it, that's it.

-Uh-huh.

(Branagan) All right, let's pull together.

Together, slowly, teamwork, that's it.

(metal squeaking) Okay.

That's it, a few more inches.

That's it, okay, hold her steady.

(Virgil) Uh-huh.

Oh!

Well, now, that wasn't too bad at all.

(Branagan) Yeah.

(audience laughing) (yelling) (Branagan) Ah!

Let go of the rope!

Let go!

Ah!

Stop it!

Now pull it up slowly!

Slowly, that's it!

Get it even!

-All right, lock it off!

-What?

Lock it off!

(muttering) (Virgil) Oh.

Ah!

(speaking gibberish) -What?

-My whole life flashed before me.

It was boring, oh... (Branagan) Well, listen, why don't we have a little bite to eat before we start working?

Maybe that'll calm your nerves.

Come on.

-Let's sit right down here.

-Uh-huh.

Oh.

-Have a little something to eat.

-Uh-huh.

-Just sit down.

-How can you do that?

-Ah, you get used to it.

-Mhm.

Oh.

(Branagan) There you go.

Just remember, don't look down, that's the important thing.

-Uh-huh.

-Don't look down.

(Virgil) Oh, my.

Mm.

(moaning) Oh, boy, hot soup.

-Good.

-Yeah?

(Branagan) That'll make it good.

-It's cold today.

-Mhm.

(audience laughing) -What did you just do?

-Huh?

-What are you doing?

-Not looking down.

-Oh, oh, okay.

-Oh.

(Branagan) Hey, hey, here, you want an orange?

Huh?

Yeah.

(audience shrieking) (laughing) (speaking gibberish) No, thanks.

(Branagan) All right, well, let's get to work.

Let's go.

Let's go, buddy boy, let's go.

-Oh.

-Okay.

I'll get the billboard sheet here.

(Virgil) Whoa!

Help!

(audience laughing) (Branagan) Get down off of there!

Get down off that building!

Come here, get down!

Get down here.

That's it.

Hang on to me, you got me?

All right, come on down.

-It's not safe!

-Come here, yes, it's fine.

That's it.

-Now just take it easy.

-I got it.

-Just stand there.

-Uh-huh.

(speaking gibberish) -You'll be all right, Virgil.

-Uh-huh.

(Branagan) All right, Virgil.

That's okay, Virgil.

That's all right, just get up.

-Got your balance?

-Uh-huh.

-Huh?

-Okay.

(Branagan) Okay, just let me go, that's it.

-You got it?

-Uh-huh.

(Branagan) Okay.

Come on!

Get yourself together, we got work to do!

-Uh-huh.

-All right?

Okay, now I'll get this billboard sheet, -you get the glue, okay?

-Uh-huh.

(Branagan) It's an ad for this movie.

Get the glue, will ya?

-Oh!

-Now get the brush.

Start getting it up on the wall.

Oh!

-All right, you got the brush?

-Oh, look what I--oh.

-What's the matter?

-My Mickey Mouse watch.

(audience laughing) -Now, come on.

-It's not running.

(Branagan) Virgil, let's go, get the brush in the glue!

-Oh.

-Hey, wait a minute!

There's a pigeon over there.

Get rid of that pigeon.

Will you get rid of the pigeon?

Let it go!

Get rid of the pigeon, get rid of the pigeon.

(whirring) (thud) Perfect landing.

-Where?

-All over the statue.

(Branagan) Hey, come on, it's getting windy, let's go!

-Watch your hat.

-Whoa!

My hat!

My hat!

I've had that for 15 years, that's my lucky hat!

My hat!

I've gotta get my hat!

-Wait.

-My hat!

-Huh?

-My hat.

(metal squeaking) (bright music) (applause) (theme music) (announcer) And now back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

(mellow music) Good evening, and welcome to Tearjerker Theatre.

Tonight from our library of creaky film classics, we present a tender story about love, devotion, and general messing around.

(dramatic music) (announcer) Sinful Woman.

(metal rattling) (woman) Oh, Father, I'm so glad you've come.

I've needed you.

(father) There, there, my child.

Now the time is growing short, we only have a few more minutes.

I'd like to give you some words of comfort.

(woman) Thank you, Father, but I'm-- I'm not afraid to... to... (father) Fry in the electric chair?

(audience laughing) Thank you for those words of comfort.

(father) My child, are you sure there isn't something you would like to tell me, like why you committed this terrible crime?

(woman) No, Father.

It's my secret and I'll carry it with me to the... to... (father) Your grave?

Well, you can tell me, my child.

I've heard confessions of all kinds.

(woman) But Father, mine is sick and sordid and depraved.

(father) Well, they're the best kind.

Tell me, my child.

Okay.

It began many years ago when I was working in this sleazy honky-tonk bar.

(upbeat piano music) (man) Gladys, what'd you do that for?

(Gladys) He said a word to me I didn't like.

-What was it?

-"No."

Now listen, Gladys, your job around here is to be nice to the customers so they buy a lot of drinks, and to do that, you've gotta be glamorous, alluring, and most of all, you've gotta be seductive, -you got that?

-I gotcha.

(man) That's better.

(Gladys) Hey, Nick!

Nick, look at the swell!

What's he doing in a dump like this?

(Nick) Ah, that's Ronald Worthington.

(Gladys) The brokenhearted millionaire?

(Nick) Yeah, but he's some kind of a screwball.

He comes in here every night looking for the cheapest, homeliest, most pathetic dame in the joint.

(Ronald) Hello.

(audience laughing) May I buy you a drink?

(Gladys) Yeah, buy me a drink, hmph!

-Please, sit right here.

-I know how you guys operate.

You buy me a drink, you get me plastered, and the first thing you know, you take me up to your apartment.

(Ronald) Oh, no, not at all.

(Gladys) In that case, goodbye.

(Nick) Excuse me, Mac, is Gladys giving you any trouble?

(Ronald) Unhand that lady!

(Gladys) Who, me?

(Nick) Lady?

She's a tramp!

(Ronald) How dare you!

Oh!

(laughing) That'll teach him a lesson.

(Gladys) You did that for me?

(Ronald) Of course.

(Gladys) Wow!

Look, you'd better leave.

I'm no good for you.

We're from two different worlds.

(Ronald) Oh, Gladys, what does it matter?

Just 'cause you were born on the other side of the tracks.

No, worse than that.

I was born on the tracks.

-How awful.

-Yeah.

Was your mother kind to you?

(Gladys) I don't remember.

She died right after I was born.

The 4: 36 from Bayonne.

(Ronald) Oh, you poor kid.

(Gladys) You don't have to feel sorry for me, I can take care of myself.

-See you around.

-No!

No, no, Gladys, I can see that underneath that hard exterior there's a warm, passionate woman yearning for love.

(Gladys) No kidding!

(Ronald) Oh, Gladys, let's forget who we are and what we are.

Can't you see that I'm in love with you?

Will you marry me?

(Gladys) Marriage!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah!

-Oh, we're gonna be so happy!

-I know.

I can't wait another second, let's get married right now!

(Gladys) Yeah!

-Have you changed your mind?

-No, I stepped on my gum.

(audience laughing) (dramatic music) (Gladys) What a wedding night that was.

The rapture drove me wild, and the noise drove me crazy.

(fireworks exploding) But then a few days later, his family had the marriage annulled, and I read that he married a debutante.

I didn't see him again for over a year, and then, one memorable night.

(mellow piano music) (Ronald) Cynthia, you know what today is?

The first anniversary of our loveless marriage.

(Cynthia) It's been a wonderful marriage, please don't spoil it.

(Ronald) You know, of course, that I've been mentioned as a possible candidate for governor.

Do you think I could win the election?

(Cynthia) Of course.

You're a brilliant lawyer and your personal life is completely free of scandal.

(doorbell ringing) -Who are you?

-I'm Gladys.

-What do you want?

-Ronald knows perfectly well what I want, don't you, Ronald?

(Ronald) Do I know you?

(Gladys) Do you know me?

I'm the only woman you ever loved!

(Ronald) Mother!

(Gladys) I'm Gladys!

And this is our son, Ronald Jr.!

(Ronald) That's ridiculous!

Get out of here!

(Gladys) All right.

I'll go.

Straight to the newspapers and tell them what kind of a man he really is.

(Cynthia) You can't do that.

A scandal like that will ruin his chances to be the governor!

(Gladys) The father of my child a governor?

(Cynthia) Think, sinful woman, do you want to ruin a brilliant career?

(Gladys) No, I'm sorry I bothered you.

(Cynthia) Wait.

I think the child should remain with us.

You get your own baby!

(audience laughing) That's absolutely out of the question.

(Gladys) A baby belongs with its mother!

(Cynthia) Oh, what can you give it?

We can give it everything!

(Gladys) You realize what you're asking!

(Cynthia) I'm thinking only of the child!

(Gladys) No!

No, you can't!

No!

No!

What makes you think you can give him more than I can?

Oh, look, he's only been in the house a few minutes and already he's grown 12 inches!

(Gladys) I guess you're right.

I guess I should give him up.

It's a far, far better thing I do now than I've ever done before.

So long, Stretch.

(audience laughing) (dramatic music) (applause) (Gladys) For the next 25 years, my life was very hard.

I had to take jobs as a domestic.

(piano music) One day, I answered an ad, and as fate would have it... (doorbell ringing) You advertised for a maid.

(Cynthia) Yes, won't you come in?

-This house!

-You seem upset!

Is anything the matter?

(Gladys) I don't know, I just got the strangest feeling I've been here before.

No, my mind must be playing tri-- that portrait!

(Cynthia) Oh, so you recognize him.

Ronald Worthington was the greatest governor -the state ever had.

-"Was"?

You mean he's dead?

(Cynthia) Yes, but the family tradition will be carried on by our son, Ronald Jr. (Gladys) Ronald Jr.?

(Cynthia) You can start by straightening up in here.

(Gladys) Oh, Ronald.

I'm so very proud.

Now I know that all of my years of sacrifice weren't in vain.

And don't you worry, I'll never reveal our secret shame.

Our son will never know my true identity.

Mother?

-Yes?

-Yes?

(Cynthia) Ronald, there's someone I'd like you to meet.

This is our new maid.

What was your name?

Gladys... X. Hi, Gladys.

Mumsie, being a fantastically successful district attorney is nice, but I've gotta do something more!

-You will, Son.

-You will, Son.

Gladys, will you please serve dinner?

(Ronald Jr.) Yes, Mumsie, things are going so swimmingly well for me.

I've been so terrific at everything that I think I'd just maybe like to follow in Daddy's footsteps and become governor!

Oh, Mumsie, do you think that could possibly happen?

(Cynthia) Of course it will.

-It runs in the family!

-Oh.

No, thanks, Gladys, I'm not hungry.

(tongue clicking) On the other hand, Mumsie, I'm not really very well-known in politics.

You really think I have a chance?

(Cynthia) Oh, you just let Mumsie handle everything.

(audience laughing) Should I run on the Republican-- (laughing) It tickles.

Should I run on the Republican or the Democratic ticket?

-Why not both?

-Good idea!

Gladys, what are you doing?

(belching) (audience laughing) (Cynthia) Ronald, I think it is time we're leaving for the opera.

(Ronald Jr.) Yes, well, I have a very busy schedule tomorrow, so we'll have to be back by midnight.

(Gladys) I'll be waiting up for you!

(Cynthia) That won't be necessary, Gladys.

-Come, Ronald.

-Now be sure and drive carefully!

Don't stay out too late, you need your eight hours!

I'll be waiting for you, have a wonderful time!

Oh!

Oh, Ronald!

He's a wonderful boy, and he's going to be a big success, you'll see!

Nothing will ever stand in his way.

Hello, Gladys.

(dramatic music) Nick.

What are you doing here?

You've come a long way since you hustled drinks in my honky-tonk bar.

(Gladys) What do you want?

(Nick) I know all about your secret past.

(gasping) (Gladys) Ow.

(Nick) I could ruin that kid of yours.

What's it worth to you to keep your past a secret?

(Gladys) Look, I'll give you every penny I've got!

(Nick) Now you listen to me!

I'm not settling for peanuts!

I'm out after the big dough!

(Gladys) Oh, you're rotten!

Rotten!

Oh, you wanna play rough, huh?

No!

-What are you doing?

-No!

(gunshot) (groaning) I hope you're happy, Nick.

What a terrible thing you've done to me.

You made me a killer.

(audience laughing) It was one of the most sensational trials of the decade.

(mixed chatter) (Gladys) You think I'll beat the rap?

(lawyer) Now don't worry, Gladys, it was obviously self-defense.

Will Gladys X take the stand?

Where is the prosecuting attorney?

Here, Your Honor.

(dramatic music) Sorry I'm late.

Gladys, a conviction for first degree murder would be great for my career, but I can't do that to you.

I'm going to prosecute you for second degree murder.

(Gladys) No, no.

Never settle for second best.

(Ronald Jr.) Don't you understand what that means?

You'll get the electric chair.

(Gladys) What's more important, your career or my life?

This cold-blooded killer, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, must be punished to the fullest extent of the law!

(Gladys) I'm so proud of him, I could die.

(audience laughing) (Ronald Jr.) Can this woman give us one good reason -for her dastardly crime?

-No.

(lawyer) Gladys, please tell him it was self-defense!

(Gladys) You mind your own business!

Go on, my boy.

(Ronald Jr.) If innocent people are ever again to walk the streets of this hallowed nation, then I demand a... (audience laughing) ...then I demand a verdict of guilty so that in a nation of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the Earth.

I thank you.

(applause) (solemn music) And that, Father, is the whole story of my sordid and depraved past.

I hope I haven't shocked you.

(snoring) (man) Gladys, I'm afraid it's time.

(dramatic music) (father) Thought I heard music.

(Gladys) No word from the governor?

-No.

-It's okay.

I'm ready, I-- I'm not afraid to... to... Fry in the electric chair?

(audience laughing) -Gladys, before you go-- -Yes?

(father) Would you like to buy a raffle ticket?

(Gladys) How could you?

(father) Well, you don't have to be there to win.

The first prize is an electric toas-- (Gladys) Get me outta here!

-Wait!

-It's the new governor!

(Ronald Jr.) I know everything, I know the whole story, Gladys.

I mean, Mother.

(Gladys) Oh.

(crying) (somber music) (Ronald Jr.) Thank goodness I'm not too late.

When I think of all the sacrifices you've made for me, all the years you must've suffered!

(Gladys) No, no.

Everything's going to be all right now.

(Ronald Jr.) Yes, but without you, I couldn't be what I am today, the governor of this glorious state.

(Gladys) And you didn't forget me.

(Ronald Jr.) Forget you, at a time like this?

Happy Mother's Day.

(audience laughing) (dramatic music) (applause) (mellow music) (applause) (yawning) (piano music) (lid thudding) (music playing) (Ray) You know, it started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues, y'all I want you to know that Started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues Yes, it did And the music had so much soul More than a body could use Listen, let me tell you.

It turned into gospel, it turned into soul It turned into Dixie, jazz, and rock and roll It turned into country, it turned into pop It kept on turning and it just won't stop It started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City - Here I go - Started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues Kansas City, Kansas City, here I come (Ray) Started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues (Carol) They got a crazy way of loving there And I'm gonna get me some (ensemble) Started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues Started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues Started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues I said it turned into gospel (female singers) Turned into gospel (Ray) It turned into soul - Turned into soul - It turned into Dixie - Turned into Dixie - Yeah, to rock and roll - Rock and roll - Started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues, y'all - Do you know way down - Way down on the Swanee River - Far, far away - So far away - Do you know, way down - That's where my heart is turning ever That's where the old folks stay (female singers) Where the old folks stay (Ray) The other night I lay sleeping I dreamed I held you, held you in my arms And when I got up this morning, y'all I was mistaken Oh, then I hung my Hung my head and cried Say you are my sunshine (female singers) You are my sunshine - Whoa, my sunshine, yeah - My only sunshine - You make me happy - When the skies are gray - When skies are gray - You'll never know - You'll never know, dear - How much I love you, girl (female singers) How much I love you Don't take my sunshine away (ensemble) I hate to see That evening sun go down (upbeat music) Hate to see That evening sun Go down 'Cause my baby She's gone left this town Oh, it's crying time again You're gonna leave me (indistinct remarks) I can see that faraway look in your eyes (somber music) I can tell by the way you hold me, darling (Ray) Sing on, Burnett.

(in unison) And it won't be long before it's crying time Georgia Oh, Georgia Hold it, whole day through (ensemble) The whole day through This old sweet song Keeps Georgia on my mind (ensemble) Georgia on my mind (indistinct remarks) (Carol) Oh, Georgia (Ray) Yesterday (Carol) Georgia (Ray) All my troubles seemed so far away (Carol) No peace I find (Ray) Now it looks as though they're here to stay (Carol) Just an old sweet song Keeps Georgia (Ray) I believe - On my mind - In yesterday (Carol) In yesterday My mama done told me Them that's got shall get Them that's not shall lose So the Bible said and it still is news - Mama may have - Mama may have - Papa may have - And old man may have it (Carol) But God bless the child that's got his own (Ray) Amen to that, baby.

(Carol) That's got his own (upbeat music) (Ray) Let me tell you 'bout a girl I know She is my baby and she lives next door Every mornin' 'fore the sun comes up She brings me coffee in my favorite cup And I know, Lord, I know Hallelujah, I love her so In the evening when the sun goes down When there is nobody else around He kisses me and he holds me tight (Ray) Oh, mama, everything is all right (in unison) And I know, I know Hallelujah, I just love you so - Mm - Mm - Oh - Oh - Mm - Mm - Oh - Oh - Mm - Mm - Oh - Oh (Ray) Oh, one more time (ensemble) Baby, one more time (Ray) I said one more time (ensemble) Baby, one more time - Oh, do it again, baby - Baby, one more time - You know, one more - Baby, one more time - You know, one more - Baby, one more time - One more time now - Baby, one more time (Ray) Wait a minute - Mm - Mm - Oh - Oh - Mm - Mm - Oh - Oh - Mm - Mm - Oh - Oh (Ray) Oh, feeling good (ensemble) Make me feel so good - Make me feel good - Make me feel so good (Ray) Every morning when I get up - Make me feel so good - Mama make me feel good - Make me feel so good - Make me feel good, baby - Make me feel so good - Make me feel good (ensemble) Make me feel so good (Ray) Started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues (ensemble) With the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues (Ray) It started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues (ensemble) Started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues (Ray) It started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-away blues It started with the 12-bar, down-home, straight-ahead blues (soft piano music) (Ray) Mm, that's sweet, baby.

(applause) I'm so glad we had this time together Just to have a laugh or sing a song Seems we just get started and before you know it Comes the time we have to say so long (applause) (theme music) (bright music)