The Carol Burnett Show: Carol's Favorites

(theme music) (clapping, cheering) Hi, gang.

Thank you.

Welcome.

(laughs) Welcome to our show.

This evening, along with Pete Matz and the orchestra, and our regulars Harvey Korman, Vicki Lawrence, Tim Conway.

Our special guest is Glen Campbell.

(clapping, cheering) Woo-hoo!

Let's turn up lights.

-Yes?

-Have you got anything lined up for summer stock yet?

Dick Van Dyke and I are going to do a show here at the Huntington Hartford in April, part of April and part of May.

We're going to do a show called Same Time Next Year, so... (clapping) Yes?

Thank you, yes.

(man) Um, we've come to a great conclusion that redheads make better lovers.

We were wondering what's your opinion on the matter?

(laughing) I have no idea.

(laughing, clapping) Yes?

-Do you play bridge?

-Do I play bridge?

No, I don't.

I'm just now mastering checkers.

It's--it's coming though, it's coming.

-Yes.

-I would like to ask you -a question.

-You want to ask me a question?

Yeah, that lady that's sittin' over there, is that lady Maude?

No.

(laughing) Would you stand up?

She asked if you were... (laughing, clapping) The lady wanted to know... (laughs) ...if you're Maude.

(Terry) Well, sister, I'm beginning to believe it myself.

(Carol) Is everybody stopping you and thinking you're Bea Arthur?

(Terry) All the time, they mobbed me at the studio for autographs.

I was kissed by the most darling little man.

(laughing, clapping) I'd like to sing a song for the little lady from New York.

(Carol) You want to sing to... (laughing) Oh, come on up.

(laughing, clapping) I love it.

What's your name?

-Terry McCann.

-Terry, what do you want -to sing?

-"You Made Me Love You" in the key of G. (laughing, clapping) (piano music) You made me love you I didn't wanna do it I didn't wanna do it You made me want you And all the time you knew it I guess you always knew it You made me happy sometimes You made me glad But there were times, honey, you made me feel so bad (cheering) You made me cry more I didn't wanna tell ya -You didn't?

- I didn't wanna tell ya I want some love that's true Yes, I do, yes, I do, you know I do 'Cause, honey, give me, give me, give me What I cry for You know you have the brand of kisses that I'd die for You know you made me love you (indistinct chatter) - You-- -You screwed it up.

-I'm sorry.

- You know you made me love you (cheering, clapping) Okay.

We got a big show for you, so don't go away.

We'll be right back.

(laughs) (clapping) (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show.

(theme music) With Harvey Korman.

(clapping) Vicki Lawrence.

(knocking) And Tim Conway.

(fog horn) (thudding) (clapping continues) (soft music) (Margaret) Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

-Well, congratulations, -Dr. Dewberry.

-Mm-hm.

And congratulations to you, Dr. Horlick.

-Well, what about me?

-And a special congratulations -to you.

-Hear, hear, to Dr. Percy Thornhill, a man whose name will go down in medical history.

(chuckling) -Gosh.

-Hear, hear.

(laughing) -I didn't do anything.

-Oh, no, listen.

Percy, all of us on the staff want to thank you for volunteering to help us find a cure for the swine flu.

(laughing) (Dr. Horlick) Yes.

(Margaret) You shouldn't say you didn't do anything.

I mean, my goodness, taking all those experimental vaccine shots.

(stammers) My goodness, you must have had at least 50 of them.

-52.

-Yeah, that's right.

(Percy) I have so much medicine in me, you can't kiss me without a prescription.

(laughing) (Dr. Horlick) Percy, that's very amusing.

-Well?

-What?

-Shall we tell him?

-Oh, the--yeah, go ahead, go on, well, you tell him, go ahead.

(Margaret) Percy and I are going to be married.

-What?

-Mm-hm.

(Dr. Horlick) Why that's wonderful.

When did all of this come about?

(Margaret) Oh, I don't know, I think I first fell in love with him just before I gave him his first shot.

He looked so cute just standing there whimpering.

(laughing) (Percy) Oh, uh, excuse me a minute, I just remembered I gotta put a coin in the parking meter.

-I don't want to get a ticket.

-All right, darling.

-I'll be right back.

-Okay, Percy.

(Dr. Horlick) Well, that is simply wonderful.

He's such a fine young man.

I'm sure the two of you are gonna be very happy.

-I'm thrilled.

-Where are you gonna go -on your honeymoon?

-Well, Percy and I have been talking about it and I want to go to Hawaii, but he wants to visit his folks in Chagrin Falls, so we made a compromise.

-So?

-We're going to Hawaii and we're going to send his folks a telegram.

(laughing) You know, I'm still surprised that Percy volunteered for that program.

You know, taking all of those swine flu experimental shots.

(Margaret) I know, but you know, the funny thing is, he told me just the other day that he has never felt better -in his life.

-Mm, well, one thing's for certain.

He'll never have to worry about getting the swine flu -with all that vaccine in him.

-That is for sure.

(Percy) Oh, boy, that was close, excuse me, excuse me.

Boy, he was just about ready to give me a ticket.

(Margaret) He was, and you got there just in time.

(tittering) (Percy) Oh.

(tittering) (laughing) (Dr. Horlick) Well, what--what happ-- what happened?

(Percy) Well, nothing, this cop just came up to me and he just looked me in the face, he said, "Welcome to the club."

And... (laughing, clapping) Kind of shook my hand and went away.

(Margaret) Percy, do you-- do you feel all right?

-Well, yeah, why?

-Nothing, you look fine.

-You look great.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, you look fine.

You look just fine, Porky--Percy.

(laughing) (Percy) Well, gosh, uh, did, uh, did you, uh, tell the doc about us going on our honeymoon?

(Margaret) Yes, yes, yes, we're going to Hawaii, Hawaii.

(Dr. Horlick) Hawaii, going to Hawaii, that's fine.

(Margaret) Yes, I can hardly wait for the luau.

(laughing) (waitress) Have you folks decided on lunch yet?

(Dr. Horlick) I have lost my appetite.

What about you, Margaret?

(Margaret) No, no thank you, I've been eating like a pig lately, I've been... (laughing) How 'bout your pet here?

(laughing) (Percy) I beg your pardon.

(waitress) Oh, now, listen, don't get sore, mister.

You should see some of the guys I go out with.

(laughing) What'll it be?

Oh, I don't know.

Well, if you guys aren't gonna eat, I guess I'll just have, oh, a bushel of corn'll be fine, -I guess.

-Fine.

You want that on a plate or in a trough?

(laughing) -Just bring it.

-Just bring it.

(waitress) Okay, okay.

(Percy) Well, that was kind of weird.

I don't know why I ordered corn.

I normally don't like corn.

(Dr. Horlick) So the two of you are going to get married, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

(chuckles, snorts) (laughing) (snorting) Yeah, I tell you, when I told Margaret we were gonna be married, gosh, she said yes, I was just in hog heaven.

(laughing) (Dr. Horlick) What about children?

Have you discussed having a family?

(Percy) Oh, we sure did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we sure did.

We're gonna have a whole litter of kids.

(laughing) I love those little games they play.

Gosh, they're so cute.

Like This Little Piggy Went to Market... (laughing) (Percy) Um, I'm afraid I don't know that one.

(Margaret) Dr. Horlick, I think we'd better tell him.

(Dr. Horlick) No, why don't we just give him a note and get out of here.

(Margaret) Percy, just look, look, Percy.

-What?

-Look!

So?

It's a picture of a pig.

(Margaret) Percy, that's a mirror.

(Percy) A mir--a mirror?

(laughing) What?

Oh, that can't be a mirror.

(snorts) That's me--no, that's me then.

(Dr. Horlick) Yes, Percy, please, take it easy.

This is just a temporary side effect from all of that-- that vaccine, that swine flu vaccine.

(Margaret) Percy, the doctor's right.

(Percy) I don't understand what you're talkin' about.

(Margaret) Ercy-pay, the octor-day is igh-ray.

(laughing) That's ig-pay atin-Lay, ercy-Pay.

(laughing) (Percy) Oh, this is just fine, yeah, sure, just great.

Me going around looking like this.

(snorts, laughing) I mean, this isn't gonna affect my career too much, is it?

I mean, after all, being a plastic surgeon, huh?

(waitress) I'm sorry, sir, we were all out of corn.

How 'bout some nice pickled pigs feet?

(laughing) Very funny.

What?

Some ickled-pay igs-pay eet-fay.

(laughing) That's not unny-fay.

(laughing) (waitress) Does anybody care for another snort?

(laughing) (Dr. Horlick) I'll have two of these, and make 'em double.

All right.

How 'bout Paul Newman?

(laughing) (Percy) Yeah, I'll just have a triple martini, please.

(waitress) Want that with an olive, a twist, or a head of lettuce?

(laughing) Will you just bring the pig his drink?

(waitress) Okay.

God.

(Percy) Oh, boy, this is just great.

I can't let people see me like this.

What am I supposed to do anyway, huh?

(Dr. Horlick) Look, don't-- (laughing) (Dr. Horlick) Percy, don't worry about it.

This is simply a counter-reaction of the metabolism hormones which have completely reversed the chromosome field.

(Percy) Oh, yeah, sure, yeah, what is that supposed to mean?

(Dr. Horlick) Why don't you wear a paper bag over your head?

(Percy) A paper bag.

Just great, yeah.

(Margaret) Oh, Percy!

Percy!

Oh.

(Percy) Well, I suppose the wedding's off.

I mean, after all, what kind of girl is gonna marry a guy with a pig face?

(Margaret) Oh, Percy.

Percy, believe me, beauty is only skin deep.

-Then you'll marry me anyway?

-No way.

(laughing, clapping) (Percy) Well, I guess I better be (snorts) going.

(Dr. Horlick) Wait, where are you going?

(Percy) Well, I wanna get home, there's a big rain coming tonight and I don't want to miss the mudslide.

(laughing, clapping) Poor Percy, I guess I was a bit hard on him.

-Margaret, that's Percy's glass.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just so upset, I...

I don't know what's come over me.

On second thought, you might reconsider marrying him, -Margaret.

-I should?

Yes, definitely, the two of you would make an ideal couple.

What makes you say that?

(snorts) (laughing) (clapping) (bright music) Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Mr. Glen Campbell.

(clapping) (mellow music) Southern nights Have you ever felt a southern night Free as a breeze, not to mention the trees Whistling tunes that you know and love so Southern nights Just as good even when closed your eyes I apologize To any one who can truly say that he's found a better way Hey yeah Southern skies Have you ever noticed Southern skies (backup singers) That Southern sky It's precious beauty lies just beyond the eye It goes running through your soul Like the stories told of old Old man He and his dog that walk the old land Every flower touched his cold hand As he slowly walked by, weeping willows would cry for joy Joy Feels so good Feels so good it's frightening Wish I could stop this world from fighting La-da-da-da-da Da-la-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da Mysteries Like this and many others in the trees They blow in the night in the Southern skies Southern nights They feel so good it's frightening Wish I could stop this world from fighting Da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da La-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da-da (backup singers) Southern skies Have you ever noticed Southern skies (backup singers) Southern skies They blow in the night in the Southern skies Yeah.

(clapping, cheering) (soft music) (Jan) Gee, I hope when we go on this cruise, we have as much fun as we had last year -when we went to Canada.

-Hey, come on, the four of us always get along so great, Jan, why should this be any different, huh?

-Yeah, I'll drink to that.

-Yeah.

(Jan) Here's to one of the happiest couples I know, -you and Charlie.

-And here's to the other happiest couple I know, you and...Dave.

(chuckling) (gags) You know, I've got this sudden yen for Chinese food.

Get it, "yen," Chinese food?

(laughs) Why don't we go to another restaurant?

There's one right down the street that you'd just love.

(Jan) Well, Liz, don't be silly, we're here now.

-Oh, I dropped my-- -Oh, I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it.

(laughing) -Here you are, here.

-Thank you.

-There.

-Thanks, Liz.

(Liz) I'm sorry, is that all right?

-Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

-Oh, shoot.

Oh, darn, there goes everything.

Oh!

(groaning) Oh, well, I don't see my lipstick anywhere.

(Liz) Your lipstick?

Uh...

Uh, I see it, I'll get it.

You just keep picking this stuff up.

(Jan) Okay.

(laughing) Here, here's your lipstick.

-Oh, thanks.

-I got it.

Well, listen, what are friends for, huh?

Listen, Jan, Jan, you know I love you and Dave very much and I want you to know that if you and he are ever having any kinds of a problem or anything, -you can always come to me.

-Oh, now, don't be silly.

That's one thing I can count on.

Dave is right behind me.

(laughing) Uh-huh.

Where'd you get that beautiful compact?

(Jan) Well, I didn't get it anywhere.

You gave it to me for Christmas.

(Liz) Oh, that's right.

Well, you're not getting it back until I get it engraved.

(Jan) Well, now, Liz, you don't have to do that.

(Liz) Yes, I do, I most certainly do.

Oh... Ooh!

(dishes shatter) (laughing, clapping) I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

It's these legs of mine.

Uh, I've seen worse.

(laughing) Don't worry about it, it'll be okay.

(Liz) Thank you.

(laughing) -Jan, your nose.

-What's the matter with my nose?

(Liz) Well, it's really very shiny.

(Jan) Well, Liz, stop it, I can't see anything.

-Will you stop?

-Well, good.

(Jan) Liz!

Please.

(dishes shatter) (laughing) (Liz) Oh, I'm so sorry, I did it again.

-That's just terrible.

-Yeah.

You aren't gonna do this till you get a ride, are ya?

(Liz) No.

(laughing) (Jan) Would you just look at this mess?

I think I'd better go to the ladies room -and clean up.

-It's there, it's in there.

(Jan) Great, okay, if you get bored while I'm gone, why don't you call your psychiatrist?

(laughing) (sighs) (Dave) Uh, waiter?

(laughing) Waiter?

Waiter?

I'd like to see a menu, please.

For heaven's sakes, what kind of a place is this?

I was just here the other night.

Waiter?

We'd like to see a-- where the heck is everybody?

I don't even know why that host didn't give us a menu when we came in.

I guess you have to serve yourself.

(laughing) Dave?

Hi, honey!

Liz, look who's here.

(laughing) (Dave) What a surprise.

Hi, Liz.

Come on over here.

-Hi.

-Come here.

-I want you to meet somebody.

-Oh, yes.

-I'd love to.

-Hey, what a surprise, honey, it's good to see ya.

Come here, Liz, I'd like you to meet my younger sister, Joyce.

(laughing) -Just graduated from college.

-Oh!

(Joyce) Hi.

Look what David gave me as a graduation present?

-Oh, that's beautiful.

-Listen, don't give me all the credit.

Jan took three days to pick this out.

(Liz) Oh, well, congratulations.

(hyperventilating) -Bye.

-Hey, where're you going?

We're just about to order.

What's the matter, Liz?

(Liz) Nothing is the matter, that's what's the matter.

I mean, it's all just so terrific how it worked out.

Let's have lunch, okay?

(waiter) Oh!

Hey, halt!

Halt, halt.

Now, look, lady, I gotta pay for these things, so leave me alone, will ya, huh?

(Liz) I wanna pay for the breakage.

Here, I'm so sorry.

And I also owe you an apology.

You see, what happened was that that's my best girlfriend and that's her husband, you see, -and she came in with me-- -Look, why don't I just get you the change?

I'll be right back.

(dishes shatter) (laughing, clapping) (Liz) And then you see what happened was, it was--it was his sister.

(bright music) (clapping) (dramatic music) Why, the unmitigated gall of that man.

Miss Thendall, come in here, I want you to take a letter.

(laughing) Now this goes to Mr. Jonathan Gladstone at the Gladstone Stationery Store in New York City, New York.

Dear Mr. Gladstone.

With reference to your letter of the 15th of which you complained about the quality of various items which we manufacture here at Kramer Office Furniture and Supply, I'd like to call your attention to the following.

In the first place, please be advised that the wood in our pencils has been selected only from the finest Oregon lumber.

(pencil snaps) (laughing) I can't believe this.

Gladstone even has the nerve to criticize one of our biggest sellers, the Kramer disposable coffee cup insert.

I'll have a cup of coffee, by the way, dear, thank you.

My father Oscar Kramer founded this business with coffee cup inserts.

They're the cornerstone of the... (laughing) He says they're defective.

Tell you that Gladstone is all wet.

(staples cup) (laughing) Thank you, dear.

I'm not gonna even dignify that complaint with an answer.

All right, let's see, where are we now?

Uh, back to the dictation here.

Let's see, what was this next one?

Oh, yes, take this down, Miss Thendall.

Now, Mr. Gladstone, I wish to say that I take offense at your choice of the word unreliable when describing our office equipment.

(typewriter clatters) (laughing) I address myself now to your request for refund on your purchase order, number 4729J-1.

Um... Let's see.

(laughing) For your information, Mr. Gladstone, our technicians conduct exhaustive tests with regard to the very complaint you make: productive safety.

Check these figures, Miss Thendall.

The man can't even add.

Uh, let's see, it's $158.15 times 144.

(tapping keys) (small explosion, buzzing) (laughing, clapping) Now can I have the total on that, Miss Thendall?

Oh, yes, sir.

(muttering) -What is it?

-Eight times nine.

Carry your three.

$22,773.60.

I'm not gonna refund that kind of money.

Forget it.

All right, let's see.

I would also be remiss if I did not take exception to your charge that the ball bearings used in our products are of inferior quality.

Miss Thendall, would you please check the Gladstone file, see if we have an previous correspondence on that?

(Miss Thendall) I'll look.

I want to make sure of my facts on this before I get... (laughing) One of the first things I remember my father saying to me.

I couldn't have been older than five at the time.

"Son, a piece of office equipment is only as good as the wall bearing the load up."

(wall shatters) (laughing) (he continues speaking) (drawer thuds) (laughing) (table shatters) (laughing, clapping) I can honestly say that a ball bearing has never left this company that my father would not be proud to have his son's name on.

(laughing) Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, Miss Thendall, yeah, would you include this in your letter, please?

-Mm-hm.

-Thank you.

Now, I believe we're coming to the end.

In conclusion, I feel that you are totally in error in your comments regarding our extensive line of electrical fixtures.

Let's see, what was exactly said here?

Oh, Miss Thendall, would you please lower the lamp?

It's a little hard to see here.

I need a little bit more light.

Ah, yes, all of the electrical fixtures have been developed by one of our world's leading engineers, the man who incidentally designed the new, improved electric chair at the Louisiana State Penitentiary.

I hope this letter has served to answer the points raised in your correspondence of the 15th.

(laughing, clapping) Miss Thendall, I'll be back soon.

Just type that up and have it ready for me when I come back from lunch and I'll sign it, okay?

Thank you.

(bright music) (theme music) (announcer) Stay tuned for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

And now back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

(romantic music) (Bob) I've been with some dumb dames in my life, but you take the cake.

(laughing) (woman) I'm sorry, Bob.

(Bob) Who would let a two-year-old play with super glue?

(laughing) (woman) Who was to know he was gonna pour it all over us?

(laughing) (Bob) How am I going to explain this to my wife?

-Maybe she won't notice?

-Won't notice?

(woman) Don't yell in my nose.

(Bob) Excuse me.

(woman) Listen, uh, I got an idea.

Maybe--maybe we should try to get to a hospital, huh?

(Bob) Yeah, that's great.

What would we tell the bus driver?

(laughing) (woman) Well, then maybe I could reach for the telephone and get a doctor over here, huh?

(Bob) That's great.

How are you going to dial with your hand stuck to my chest?

(laughing) (woman) Oh, that's right.

Well, maybe I can move my other hand.

-Let me try.

-Oh, watch it.

You're rippin' off my tattoo.

(woman) Oh, sorry.

Oh, listen.

Why don't you try to pull your hand out of my hair, huh?

-Your hair?

-Yeah.

(Bob) I thought it was stuck in a bird's nest.

(woman) That happens to be my new hairdo.

Now pull, will ya?

(Bob) I'm afraid the eggs will fall out and break.

(laughing) (woman) Oh, very funny.

Very funny.

-Uh-oh.

-What is it?

(woman) Don't look now, but I think-- I think the dog is glued to your leg.

(laughing) -Bruno the big dumb dog?

-Yeah.

Don't wake him up.

I said don't wake him-- don't wake him up.

(laughing) (Bob) Do you have any suggestions?

(woman) Well, will you just let me think?

(vehicle approaching) (vehicle parking) -Oh my gosh.

-What?

(woman) I think it's my husband.

(door opens) (husband) Hi, honey, I'm home.

-Oh, it is.

-What do we do?

-Act natural.

-Act natural?

(laughing) (husband) Honey, you home?

(woman) I gotta answer him.

I'm upstairs!

-Don't yell in my nose.

-I'm sorry.

(husband) Any mail here?

-How could he know?

-Shh, don't panic.

(pants) Wait a minute, I got an idea.

-Watch out for your nose.

-Okay.

(woman) Honey, could you go down to the store and get some bread?

(husband) Sure, I'll be right back.

(door opens, closes) -Phew, boy.

-Phew.

Now, that gives us time.

Maybe--maybe I can just reach the dressing table and get my nail polish remover.

-But watch my tattoo.

-Okay.

(laughing) Oh, there, I got it.

(husband) Honey, as long as I'm going to the store, I think I'll take Bruno for a walk.

-Oh no.

-No.

-Come on, boy!

-No.

No!

(screams) (laughing, clapping) Oh.

Hi, honey.

You know Bob.

(laughing) (bright music) (clapping) (energetic music) (soft music) (spicy music) (laughing) (laughing) (laughing) (bright music) (clapping) (quirky music) (cheering, clapping) Kiss today goodbye (laughing) And point me to tomorrow (laughing) (whistles sharply) (husband) Ah, she's still here, Nate.

Yeah.

I'm a lucky guy.

She's a pretty little thing.

(laughing) (slams door) (whistling) What do you say, beauty?

(laughing) Walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile.

(laughing) Down in deepest South Africa gnawing on the bones of a dead zebra.

(laughing) You wouldn't wanna put one of those tough ones together like "hi," would ya?

(wife) Are you home?

(laughing) (husband) That's right, stilts.

(laughing) Phew, (muttering).

How's the weather up there?

Any cooler?

(wife) Why don't you jump up on a chair and find out?

(husband) Ah, yeah.

(laughing) Oh, I'll tell you, it was a hot one out there today?

(wife) Really?

It was lovely and cool here in the den.

(muttering) (laughing) (husband) Ah, I think I'll have a beer.

Yeah, where are those things anyway?

(wife) Top shelf.

You want me to boost you up?

(husband) Ehh.

(laughing) This is the last one.

(opens can) (wife) No, thanks, I don't want one.

Thanks just the same, but I don't care for any.

No, no, no, no, I don't want one.

Maybe just a sip.

(belches) Take me out to the ballgame (husband) Yeah, you know somethin'?

(laughing) I'll tell you something, it's like an occasion like this I'd like to relax a little, but I got kind of a little beep on my chest that I'd like to get off.

(wife) Shouldn't be too hard to locate.

(husband) Yeah, funny.

All right.

-You know what this is?

-Aw, you bought a summer home.

Ain't that tin roof gonna get a little hot?

(laughing) (husband) This happens to be a garbage can.

(lunchbox rattling) -You know what that is, huh?

-What?

(husband) I'll tell you what that is.

That is a totaled sandwich, that's what that is.

You know why it's a totaled sandwich?

Because nobody ate none of it.

And you know why?

That's why.

What's that red stuff in there?

-Looks to me like ham.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-What makes you think it's ham?

(wife) 'Cause I got it in a can shaped like a ham that said ham on the can.

And I got it in a ham store.

Of course, you know, them ham guys lie a lot.

(husband) Yeah?

Well, I say it ain't ham.

(wife) Well, maybe you're right.

I didn't see the death certificate.

(laughing) (husband) I'll tell you another thing.

From now on, when that lunch bucket has a sandwich in it that ain't eatable, I ain't comin' home that night.

Boohoo.

(laughing) (husband) Boohoo, huh?

I get boohoo.

Okay, that's it.

That's it, it's all over, I'm tellin' ya, -that's it, I'm through.

-Okay.

(husband) Yeah, you can kiss all this goodbye because I'm leavin'.

Yeah, I'm goin'.

(smooching, laughing) Once I slam that door, it's O-U-T, out.

Yeah, G-O-N, gone, I'm split.

That's it, right?

I don't care what you say.

You can say anything, you can yell your head off, you can talk till you're blue in the face.

Ain't nothin's gonna keep me here.

I'm gone, adios, and that's it.

Good riddance.

-Well?

-You back?

(laughing) (husband) You know what's wrong with you?

I'll tell you what your problem is, you don't got no romance.

-I doesn't?

-No, you doesn't.

I happened to be reading an article this noon in a magazine, see, I don't waste a lot of my time eatin' lunch, and it says in this article that a woman should be somethin' that a guy would want to come home too.

Now take a look at that.

Would anybody want to come home to that?

Have you looked at yourself lately?

Why don't you give us a break and hit that mirror one time?

(laughing) (wife) Why don't you read an article on how to fix a faucet while you're so busy reading, huh?

(husband) It happened to say in this article, right in this very article, that if a woman ain't something that a guy would want to come home to, that he's gonna start roamin' around, you know what I mean, which is exactly what I'm thinkin' of doing.

(wife) Oh, well, while you're roamin' around, why don't you see if you can pick up that article on how to fix the faucet?

(laughing) (husband) I'm thinking of finding a you-know-what.

-A what?

-A you-know-what.

I'm thinking of finding another woman, that's what I'm thinking of finding.

-Good, find one who's a plumber.

-Yeah.

(laughing) It also says in this article that if you really want to hang on to a man, see, when he comes home, he should have a nice dinner.

A little candlelight, a little wine.

(wife) Okay, you got it, great.

I'll pick up the pizza and the candles and you drop by Sears and pick up the wine.

(laughing) (husband) All right, that's it, I'm through.

I'm tellin' ya, I'm through this time.

-I'm not kiddin'.

-Okay.

-I'm walkin' out.

-Is that a wrap?

-That's it.

-Okay.

(husband) I'm gone.

Yeah, you can have all this.

-We are through.

-Okay.

18 wonderful years, that's it, so long.

-You got it, bye-bye.

-Yeah, I'm splittin'.

-Yeah, so long.

-So long.

(slams door) Kiss today goodbye and point me to tomorrow (husband) I thought maybe I'd go down and take you to a movie.

-You wanna come?

-You got it, honey.

-All right, let's go.

-Okay.

(laughing, clapping) (bright music) I have to tell you that today I flabbergasted Glen.

-Glen, come here.

-Yeah.

-Didn't I flabbergast you?

-You just flat knocked me out.

(Carol) I really--I mean, you were knocked out on the floor, weren't you?

I impressed you, didn't I?

(Glen) Well, kind of, yeah.

(Carol) Yeah.

You see, what happened was, earlier, right in the middle of rehearsal, when Glen was picking away on his guitar, you see, I whipped out my trusty ukulele and I just started whipping away myself.

And, well... (laughing) You didn't know that I played the uke, huh?

(Glen) No, I didn't know you were a picker.

(Carol) Yeah, so...

So, Glen has promised to show me everything he knows about picking on these here strings, and I am ready, so show me.

(Glen) Well, maybe you should tune up first, huh?

(Carol) Okay.

My dog has fleas Okay, now, shall I play what I played earlier?

(Glen) What you played yesterday, fine.

(Carol) Okay, all right.

(clears throat) -You ready?

-Ready.

(strums ukulele) Isn't that great?

Whole new career.

(laughing, clapping) -So lovely.

-Thank you.

Now, just--just feel free to join in -if you think you can cut it.

-Okay, same key.

(ukulele and guitar music) (Glen) Well, walk right in, sit right down Carol, let your mind roll on Well, walk right in, sit right down Carol, let your mind roll on Take one.

(Carol) Everybody's sayin' that you love my playin' Gonna make you lose your mind Well, walk right in, sit right down Baby, let your mind roll on Baby, let your mind roll on Baby, let your mind roll on -Woo!

-Aint' she good?

(clapping) Carol!

You are good.

(Carol) Is this guitar for me now?

(Glen) No, this is my six-string acoustic.

(Carol) Oh, I've never seen one like that that's all kind of round and curvy in the back there.

(Glen) Oh, yes, kind of like your sweet self.

(Carol) Why, Glen.

(Glen) That's right, it's got a little bit up here -and then-- -Nothing.

(Glen) A whole lot down there.

(laughing) Long and scrawny neck, you know.

(Carol) I understand, thank you.

(Glen) No, it's nice to just... (laughing, clapping) It's nice to kind of, you know, -cuddle up-- -Don't try to get out of this.

-Just sing.

-Well, you're doing a nice ballad, right, like a Jimmy Webb song.

-Uh-huh.

- I am a lineman for the county (clapping) (soft music) And I drive the main roads Searchin' in the sun for another overload I hear you singing in the wire I can hear you through the whine And the Wichita lineman Is still on the line (Carol) Oh, can I try that?

Oh, sure.

(clapping) Put it on there, okay.

(Carol) And the Wichita lineman (strums flatly) (laughing) (Glen) I think you found the lost chord.

No, here it is, okay.

(Carol) And the Wichita lineman (strums guitar) Is still on the line -That's easy.

-Perfect.

You got it on only easy lesson.

(Carol) I think so, I think I-- Now, let's see, do you have anything -a little more challenging?

-Uh... -How 'bout some gut string?

-Gut string.

Gut strings, please, I would love some gut strings.

Hi, John, how are you?

You know Glen, yes, all right.

(Glen) Uh, how 'bout doing a little, uh, we'll say, uh... (plays guitar) "Classical Gas."

-"Classical Gas?"

-Yeah.

(Carol) Is that what you said, "Classical Gas"?

(Glen) Yeah.

(laughing) (Carol) He actually said that.

Okay.

(Glen) One, two, three, four.

(energetic guitar) (energetic music) (clapping) (strums flatly) (clapping, indistinct chatter) -What fun.

-You hang around, you learn, you know what I'm saying?

Now what kind of an instrument, guitar do you play when you want something bluesy?

(Glen) Ah, this six-string electric here.

(Carol) Well, that's what I thought, yes, a limber string instrument.

Oh, yeah, uh-huh.

(Glen) Bluesy stuff, you know.

(Carol) Wow.

(bluesy guitar music) (Glen) Yeah, uh, okay.

Three, four, sing this with me.

(Carol) I got rhythm (clapping) I got music I got my man Who could ask for anything more I got daisies in green pastures I got my man Who could ask for anything more Old man trouble I don't mind him You won't find him I got starlight I got sweet dreams I got my man Who could ask for anything more Who could ask for anything more (clapping) (Glen) Ain't she good?

(excited exclamation) I think that, uh, I think--are you ready for some classical?

-Oh, I love classical music.

-Oh, great.

(Carol) You know, I did a show with Beverly Sills at the Metropolitan Opera House.

-Thank you.

-No, I didn't see that.

-Did you see it?

-Nah.

(laughing) (Carol) It was a good show.

You didn't see it?

-No.

-Oh, I see.

(Glen) I was working at my other job.

I'm a skin diver for Roto-Rooter.

(Carol) I understand.

(Glen) You want to do a little polka?

-All right.

-Okay, polka then.

(polka music) (rhythmic clapping) (whooping) (laughing) (rhythmic clapping) (laughing) (cheering) Baby face You've got the cutest little baby face There's not another that can take your place Baby face My poor heart is jumpin' Honey, you sure started somethin' Baby face I'm up in heaven when I'm in your fond embrace I didn't need a shove 'cause I just fell in love With your pretty baby face (lively music) (laughing) (energetic music) Well, one foot, two foot, slew foot, drag Swing your honey to the Sugarfoot Rag Dig a little jig with a zig and a zag With guitar pickin' out the Sugarfoot Rag (lively music) (Carol) Got a brand new pair of dancing shoes So many partners, it's hard to choose Country music's my favorite bag Gonna stomp on down to the Sugarfoot Rag (rhythm clapping) Right and left and a quarter 'round Grab your partners and promenade down Walk right up and stomp on the floor Swing up the middle with a shoofly four One foot, two foot, slew foot drag Swing your honey to the Sugarfoot Rag Dig a little jig and zig and a little zag With the guitar pickin' The guitar pickin' The guitar pickin' on the Sugarfoot Rag My dog has fleas (laughing) (clapping) Hey, thank you.

Be sure and be with us next week.

I'm so glad we had this time together Just to have a laugh or sing a song Seems we just get started and before you know it Comes the time we have to say so long Goodnight, thank you.

(clapping) (theme music) (announcer) The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

This is your announcer speaking.

(bright music)