Absence/Presence

- [Announcer] Major funding for this program was provided by the National Association of Social Workers Foundation.

Foster care and adoption resources are available online at helpstartshere.org.

Additional funding was provided in part by the Brooklyn Arts Council, The Puffin Foundation, and the Artist Volunteer Center.

- [Charell] I remember waking up and all of my things were in a trash bag.

- I was scared.

I didn't know what to expect.

My dad was an alcoholic.

We were always like just barely making it.

- My mom was in and out of rehab.

My dad, you know, he is a drug dealer, and he was in and out of prison.

When you are a foster kid, it's something you don't wanna admit to.

- And if like you're struggling with your family, you don't have to feel guilty for wanting to save yourself.

- You are your own person, and you get to determine who you're gonna be from this point forward.

One day, I woke up and I must have been, maybe six years old.

And I wake up, there's no one in the house.

And so I get up, I wash up, I get dressed, I get my sister washed up, and I take her to the babysitter's house.

(Charell laughing) And I go to school and I spend the whole day at school, and I come back home, and I knock on the door, still no one's at home so I go to the babysitter's house.

We just sit there until like 10 o'clock at night.

You know, I was a kid, I was a little kid with a kid, with my younger sister, and you don't just leave two little kids in a home by themselves.

(pensive music) My youngest memory is me living with my great-grandmother.

The only way I'm able to keep track of time is based on Christmases.

I lived with my great-grandmother because my family, like a lot of kids in the system, my family had issues.

So my mom, you know, was in and out of rehab.

And so, and also my dad, you know, was a drug dealer and he was in and out of prison.

My great-grandmother was fairly old, really, really wonderful woman, really, really sweet.

But, you know, when she got sick, I had to go to foster care for, at least what I think is my first time in foster care when I was really young.

(pensive music) When I went to live with my first foster family, yeah, they weren't family.

So it was strangers that, you know, I was in their home.

And going from living with my great-grandmother where there was just all this love and support, I didn't necessarily get that when I went to live with the foster family.

And I don't remember their name, I don't remember where I was.

That was probably my least favorite place to be in 'cause you're a little kid and you're in an unfamiliar environment, and you always feel like you're doing something wrong because you're not in your home, and so that was really, really hard.

(rain pattering) (pensive music) It's a really lonely feeling.

It's a really lonely way of of growing up because it's not something you talk about.

It's, you know, it's one of those walls of your community or the family where you don't say it.

And when you are a foster kid, it's something you don't wanna admit to.

You don't wanna admit that you don't have a permanent home, that you don't have a permanent place to be.

Kids at school, say, "Hey, you know, is your mom coming to pick you up?"

And you'll just say, "Yes" even though it's not your mom because you don't wanna admit to that.

(pensive music) I have to say, for someone who bounced around a couple different homes, the worst one was probably when my sister and I left my grandmother's.

Usually, when you are moving, you don't know that it's happening.

It's usually a surprise.

I remember waking up that morning and all of my things were in a trash bag.

A social worker coming in and just sort of collecting me and my sister and driving us to this home, and that hurt.

I don't know why she wouldn't have tried to prepare us for that.

I don't know why it had to be that way, but usually, they don't prepare you.

And I think they believe, if you don't know, it's better but it's not, it's not better.

(pensive music) I do remember one nice moment.

I was all packed up to go live with my great-grandmother again 'cause they said she was feeling better and I can go live with her again.

And so I'm really excited 'cause I wanna get out of this place.

The social worker comes and she says, "You know, she's sick and you can't go."

Like I am in tears 'cause I was so excited, ready to go.

And, you know, my foster sister, if you wanna call her that, I didn't really remember her ever being nice to me except in this moment.

She had this gumball machine that I always wanted to touch but I knew not to touch 'cause I'd get in trouble.

And she gave me a quarter so I could go get a gumball out of her machine, and that's always stuck with me because it made that moment not as awful.

And she knew I needed something just a small pick-me-up.

And it was a really nice thing to do.

(pensive music) I have good memories of living with, you know, my stepmom.

You know, it was great living in a house with other kids for a while, while I lived there.

My dad and my stepmother had gotten married.

She was fighting for custody for me.

And so for a time, it felt, you know, like, "Oh, this might be the place where I live and I really wanna live here."

But then my dad went off to prison.

I do have positive memories of my dad.

He would come pick me up and he sort of take me out for a little bit.

And we'd go to McDonald's usually.

And, but on this one day, I don't know what it was but I got really sick and I threw up in his car.

And, you know, I'm crying.

I'm a little kid.

I just threw up, and I'm just having the worst day in the world because I just got sick.

And I remember my dad saying, you know, he's a guy, he is a dad.

And you know, he's like, "Oh, what will it take for you to stop crying?

Just stop crying, stop crying.

What do you want?"

And I'm like, "I want a typewriter."

And so like, literally, I remember him speeding off to like this discount store and buying me a typewriter that I had at my great-grandmother's house.

Like up until she moved out into a home, this typewriter was under her bed and it was the one my dad bought me the day I got sick in his car.

And I'm a little kid, I don't know why I wanted a typewriter.

I must've seen it on TV somewhere, but I remember him like, he's like, "Anything to get you to stop crying, we will do."

(gentle bright music) I think he's was in and out of prison, and like I said, he sold drugs, but what he went to prison for was murder.

You know, the last time the conversation I had with him when I asked him why he was in prison, it was, you know, I was in a situation where I felt that someone was going to pull the trigger to me, so I pulled the trigger, and that didn't get to the heart of what I was asking.

You know, I was asking, "Why are you here?"

And you're here because you made a lot of bad choices and your choices impacted me, they impacted my mom.

You know, everything that should have been, and he didn't see it that way.

He still saw it as, you know, in that one moment, when there was so much that led up to that one moment, and that hurt.

And so when I say I'm angry, I'm angry at not only everything I lost but everything that he wouldn't admit to.

(gentle music) I am definitely trying to forgive my father for not being there and not being able to be supportive in my life, but it's a day by day process, it's day by day step.

And I'm hoping one day to have that sort of forgiveness towards him the way I do for my mom and the rest of my family.

(gentle music) I went to live with my mom at an awkward point in my life, and a point in my life where I was used to taking care of my younger sister and taking care of myself.

And because I think at that point in my life by 14, we were coming up sort of against, we were butting heads a bit.

I went to boarding school, and that distance made it easier for my mom and I to have a really good relationship, allow me to still be independent but allow her to sort of grow with my sister and take on that motherly role that, you know, she wanted to take on.

And so we have a really great relationship.

We talk, you know, once or twice a week on the phone.

She lives down in Florida, I still live in New York.

And she's doing very, very well, and she's, you know, a great, great person.

Take me home Take me all the way home - I'm happy I went to live with my mom.

I think, you know, at the end of any fairy tale-y story that starts out like mine, you would hope that you would be reunited with your family and you would be able to live with them.

But you know, if anyone had ever asked me, I would've said, "I would prefer to live with my great-grandmother.

That was definitely a constant.

I loved her.

I loved her with all my heart.

One of the reasons why I think I've been able to succeed so far in life is the way she treated me when I was really young.

You know, I always felt like there was nothing but love around her, and I had a really good foundation, which is one of the things, I think, a lot of the kids in foster care don't always get is that foundation in love.

(gentle bright music) I went to, I wanna say six different schools in sixth different years.

So from kindergarten to 6th grade were all different schools.

I never actually started and finished a school year at the same school until I was in 5th grade, and 5th grade was the first time I did the full year in one school.

You know, I can honestly say, growing up, I have always loved school.

School was always the place where I felt safe.

School was always the place where I felt rewarded.

My life started out kind of difficult, you know, that's a nice way of putting it, kind of difficult.

But I have had lots of success, you know, now that I'm older, and now that I'm able to make my own choices I have had a successful career in PR and events.

I have started my own company on the side, it's called PA For A Day.

I've been able to travel around the world.

(gentle music) You know, the whole process of going through foster care and bouncing around and going to boarding school, it gave me a sense of independence and a sense of worldliness and street smarts, and independence that I don't think most people get.

It just gave me a different perspective on life and knowing that things are gonna work out as long as I work for them to work out.

(gentle bright music) There's really nothing that makes that process easy.

At least, no one ever tries to make it easy.

The only time it got easier was when I chose to go to boarding school because at that point, it was my choice and I was prepared for it and, you know, I could have a suitcase that I could pack my things in that I cared about.

But it was never, it's not an easy move if the choice is never yours.

(gentle music) But I don't know, you know, if a girl, you know, growing up in, you know, public school system, if that's all you had and all you knew, if I would've turned out the way that I did, you know, going to boarding school and not being afraid to make a decision that big at such a young age and going to Boston for college, and one day deciding that, "You know what, I wanna go abroad and so let me turn in this application to go live in London."

You know what, no matter how bad your family may have been or is, you are your own person and you get to determine who you're gonna be from this point forward.

And hopefully, you wanna be someone more than, you know, the sum of the parts that brought you to this place in life.

(upbeat bright music) (gentle pensive music) - I never expected myself to end up in foster care, but they realized I wasn't just like running away from home.

There was a legitimate problem going on.

I would come home and there would literally be no food in the kitchen, and I was losing a lot of weight.

And I have cystic fibrosis so my health was getting worse.

Foster care helped me so much, like they validated so much for me.

I didn't have to feel ashamed of my story.

It doesn't change who I am and it doesn't define who I am.

My mom's like a brilliant, amazing person.

She would translate books.

She spoke like eight languages.

Nothing ever fell through the cracks with her, like she was always like the rock of the family.

My dad, say for the first eight years of my life, he was pretty much my best friend.

My dad was an alcoholic and he missed a lot of work.

He was a cab driver, my dad.

So, you know, if he's obviously like intoxicated, he can't go to work.

We were always like, just barely making it.

(gentle music) In my junior year in high school in 2011, my mom, like she lost her job over the summer.

So the financial responsibility fell on my dad and the burden just gave him a lot of pressure.

He ended up drinking even more.

It came to a point where we literally had no money to pay the bills.

We lost electricity every now and then.

So I would ask my mom, like how am I supposed to take physical therapy that required to be used electronically, 'cause people with cystic fibrosis have this vest that basically inflates and shakes up the mucus.

You really should be taking it every day.

(machine whirring) She would just be like, "I don't know."

And that was really scary to like, hear my mom not have an answer for me.

(gentle pensive music) It's important to realize that, and if you're struggling with your family and how a lot of kids in foster care are like, you don't have to feel guilty for wanting to save yourself.

My sister, Christina, she is older than me.

She went to the University of Vermont.

She was so excited just to leave.

She didn't wanna stay home and deal with the mess.

There was a point where I stayed a lot with my best friend.

- Hello.

- [Camilla] Hi.

- My name's Maja.

I'm Camilla's sister.

- I would sleep over at her house.

- And yeah.

- I always was really close to Maja's parents.

Maja would bring money for me or lunch from home from her parents.

I didn't like asking for help but I wasn't really eating.

My parents wouldn't eat at home so it would be really dirty, and our dishes piling up in the sink in a New York City apartment when you like, are bugs coming really quickly.

We had pets too, so you can only imagine.

You know, my sister and I tried our best to, at least, keep our like little corners clean, but it was just getting very unsanitary.

I was coughing a lot more 'cause people with cystic fibrosis have excess mucus in their lungs.

That's when I would break down a lot too, and I would just say like, "What's going on?"

This is getting really out of control.

And when I started my junior year, I had Ms. Fink, and I had her for Creative Writing.

The first day of advisory, she said, "If there's anything you guys need me to know, like to help you."

So that night, I went home and I wrote this, probably like four-page email to her.

(keyboard clacking) She'd be like, "Whoa, like you didn't even eat dinner last night?"

Then she tried to get me up to call ACS, but I was just like, "No, everything's fine at home.

We were just in a very rough situation now.

It'll pass."

I really tried not to rat my parents out, and like, you know, they're bad parents, but things just, you know, got out of control.

(gentle pensive music) I tried to move in with Maja.

My mom was home and I told her I really think that I need to just have a break.

It didn't really surprise her because I was already not home a lot.

But then the next day at school, my dad hadn't known about what was going on.

He called the school and told them, "I'm gonna take Maja's family to family court."

When he called the school, they told Ms. Fink, and she was like, "I need to call ACS."

Then I was like.

(beep) My parents are so anti-government and everything.

This is not gonna go well, like this is not gonna be a good idea.

(car engine revving) ACS is the Administration for Children's Services.

They first went to my parents' home.

They showed up at four o'clock in the morning, saw the condition of the house.

My dad, he was really furious.

He told them, "They kidnapped my daughter."

I was scared.

I didn't know what to expect.

What if I end up in one of those like crappy foster homes?

The next day, Tuesday, after school, they showed up at Maja's parents' house.

They told us I'm still 17.

It's like not legal for me to just stay there.

We didn't really know what to do.

Like first, we were talking about adoption but it just felt so unnecessary.

They told us what foster care is.

We just decided that it would be the best option for me.

My foster mom, she literally helps me organize everything, doctor's appointment, dentist appointments, prom.

That's what I've been craving at home and that's what I was missing in my old home, and she's just a blessing from the sky in a sense.

All of these meetings, my mom was invited to but she didn't come because she just thought that these people were out to get her and tell her she's a bad mother.

She didn't look at it as like a helpful resource to me, a rebuilding of my life.

(gentle music) When I moved out on November 7th, December 4th of that year was my mom's birthday.

My sister and I haven't been home since we both moved out so we just kind of thought, you know, as hard as everything is, we have to go see her.

We kind of went with the hopes of both of us have moved out, like this is a really serious situation so maybe we'll go and the house will be clean and my dad will be at work.

We brought her a bouquet of flowers and we were just like, "Happy Birthday."

She told us, "I have to tell you guys something.

Your dad is knocked out in his room.

He hasn't been out of his room since the night before."

My dad was an alcoholic his whole life, but we never ever had to call the ambulance.

But we just, we're really scared.

We didn't know what was happening.

We couldn't see anything.

So we ended up calling 911.

(siren wailing) He was in the hospital December 4th on my mom's birthday.

December 14th is when, you know, first, I got a call from my mom and I ignored it.

And then I got a call from the doctor and I ignored it too.

And then my sister called me so I picked up the phone.

It was eight o'clock at night, I was finishing up my homework.

And she was like, "Listen, we need to go to the hospital.

It's something about daddy."

She's like, "I really don't wanna tell you on the phone."

And I was like, "Just tell me.

I need to know what's happening.

What's going on?"

I was getting kind of scared.

She was like, "Um, I think he passed away."

With my dad, it was one of those things where I thought he would get better, like go to rehab.

In a few years, I'd be able to tell him everything he missed out on when I was in high school, eventually stop drinking and be more a part of my life, but that just never happened.

I don't even remember the last time I told him that I loved him.

I just think, just 'cause you're biologically made to have kids, it doesn't mean you have to.

Not everyone is meant to be a parent.

My biological sister, Christina, she was asking me, "How do you deal with the fact that you haven't talked to mommy?"

What I would really want my mom to do is be able to accept the fact that things just happen, and if we never come to peace with that, we're never gonna be able to restart a relationship.

The whole transition of moving out of your family and everything, you do feel alone, and you do feel abandoned, but if people just constantly remind you that they're there for you and you're not alone.

My foster parents, they've really taught me, just because you've had one biological family, that's not your only chance.

Today, I like the idea of sharing my story and writing about it because I really love to write, so I'm going with an English major.

So the fact that now I can say, "Next year, I'm going to college.

I'm gonna be there for four years."

Like that's really amazing for me.

(gentle inspirational music) Since I moved in with Maja, I've gained 20 pounds and my doctor's been really happy with me.

I've been a lot healthier.

In foster care, I've really learned the many definitions of family.

To be able to have people I'm not related to and really treat them like a family is really amazing for me.

(gentle inspirational music) - [Announcer] Major funding for this program was provided by the National Association of Social Workers Foundation.

Foster care and adoption resources are available online at helpstartshere.org.

Additional funding was provided in part by the Brooklyn Arts Council, the Puffin Foundation, and the Artist Volunteer Center.