30-Minute Music Hour

(city traffic noise) I'm Andy Moore, at the 30 Minute Music Hour. From the former Soviet Union, Optometri! UNCLE VANYA HAD AN ORCHARD AT THE VILLA WHERE ME AND COUSIN VIKTOR LIKED TO PICK THE CHERRIES WE BORROW SHOVEL FROM UNCLE VANYA'S STABLE WE'RE THINKING MAYBE THERE COULD BE SOME TREASURE BURIED ONE DAY VIKTOR DUG A 20-FOOT HOLE IN WHICH WE FOUND A SET OF DRUMS AND A STRATOCASTER I STARTED STRUMMING AND VIKTOR STARTED DRUMMING AND THE SOUND THAT ROSE FROM HOLE COULD HAVE CRACKED THE PLASTER WE WERE PLAYING NOTES FROM UNDERGROUND THEY SOUNDED BETTER THAN I THOUGHT THAT NOTES COULD SOUND BENEATH THE CHERRY ORCHARD BEAUTINESS WAS FOUND WE DIDN'T STOP UNTIL MIDNIGHT HAD ROLLED AROUND AND THEN THEY SHUT US DOWN WE DIDN'T NOTICE THAT THE NEIGHBORS HAD AWOKEN THEY SAID, SHUT UP OR WE WILL CALL THE GOVERNMENT UNCLE VANYA CAME DOWN IN HIS PAJAMAS HE SAID, THIS IS A CRIME NOW THERE MUST BE SOME PUNISHMENT BUT WE JUST KEPT ON PLAYING NOTES FROM UNDERGROUND THEY SOUNDED BETTER THAN I THOUGHT THAT NOTES COULD SOUND BENEATH THE CHERRY ORCHARD BEAUTINESS WAS FOUND WE DIDN'T STOP UNTIL MIDNIGHT HAD ROLLED AROUND AND THEN THEY SHUT US DOWN THEN UNCLE VANYA GOT THIS LOOK UPON HIS FACE LIKE A MADMAN UP ALL NIGHT WRITING IN HIS DIARY BUT ME AND VIKTOR WE COULDN'T STOP THE MUSIC IT JUST KEPT ON RISING UP FROM HOLE SO LOUD AND FIERY BUT WE JUST KEPT ON PLAYING NOTES FROM UNDERGROUND THEY SOUNDED BETTER THAN I THOUGHT THAT NOTES COULD SOUND BENEATH THE CHERRY ORCHARD BEAUTINESS WAS FOUND THEN UNCLE VANYA SHOUTED OUT RELEASE THE HOUNDS THEN WE BECAME DOG SHOW THERE WAS NO STOPPING THOSE NOTES FROM UNDERGROUND THEY SOUNDED BETTER THAN I THOUGHT THAT NOTES COULD SOUND BENEATH THE CHERRY ORCHARD BEAUTINESS WAS FOUND THEN UNCLE VANYA SHOUTED OUT RELEASE THE HOUNDS THEN WE BECAME DOG SHOW NOTES FROM UNDERGROUND Thanks very much. We're delighted to be here. And you are, of course, honored as well. The next song we're going to do is called, "Gruscha, Gruscha, Gruscha, Gruscha." It's a love song, dedicated to a woman I was once in love with who had unfortunate industrial accident, and lost all of her limbs and most of her skin. So, I was no longer in love with her after that, of course, but song remains in spite of all that. THE ONLY NAME I WANT TO SAY IN MORNING WHEN I ARISE IS GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA THE ONLY NAME I WANT TO SAY AT LUNCH IT'S NO SURPRISE IS GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA

THE ONLY NAME I WANT TO SAY WHEN HAVING CUP OF TEA AT 4

00PM IS GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA THE ONLY NAME I WANT TO SAY AT SUPPERTIME MY FRIEND IS GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA OH, GRUSCHA WITH NEARLY ALL YOUR TEETH AND HAIR OF GOLD THERE IS NO OTHER NAME I WANT TO MENTION GRUSCHA, WON'T YOU PLEASE COME WITH ME AND GROW OLD? I SAY IT JUST ONCE MORE SO PAY ATTENTION BA, BA-DA, DA BA BA BA-DA, BA-DA-DA BA GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA BA, BA-DA, DA BA BA BA-DA, BA-DA-DA BA GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA THE ONLY NAME I WANT TO SAY AT NIGHT WHEN DARKNESS FALLS IS GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA THE ONLY NAME I WANT TO SAY IN MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN NATURE CALLS IS GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA OH, GRUSCHA WITH NEARLY ALL YOUR TEETH AND HAIR OF GOLD THERE IS NO OTHER NAME I WANT TO MENTION GRUSCHA, WON'T YOU PLEASE COME WITH ME AND GROW OLD? I SAY IT JUST ONCE MORE SO PAY ATTENTION BA, BA-DA, DA BA BA BA-DA, BA-DA-DA BA GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA BA, BA-DA, DA BA BA BA-DA, BA-DA-DA BA GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA TAKE IT AWAY! OH, GRUSCHA WITH NEARLY ALL YOUR TEETH AND HAIR OF GOLD THERE IS NO OTHER NAME I WANT TO MENTION GRUSCHA, WON'T YOU PLEASE COME WITH ME AND GROW OLD? I SAY IT JUST ONCE MORE SO PAY ATTENTION THE ONLY NAME I WANT TO SAY IN MORNING WHEN I ARISE IS GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA THE ONLY NAME I WANT TO SAY AT LUNCH IT'S NO SURPRISE IS GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA 00PM IS GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA THE ONLY NAME I WANT TO SAY AT SUPPERTIME MY FRIEND IS GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA BA, BA-DA, DA BA BA BA-DA, BA-DA-DA BA GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA BA, BA-DA, DA BA BA BA-DA, BA-DA-DA BA GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA EVERYBODY NOW! BA, BA-DA, DA BA BA BA-DA, BA-DA-DA BA GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA BA, BA-DA, DA BA BA BA-DA, BA-DA-DA BA GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA BA, BA-DA, DA BA BA BA-DA, BA-DA-DA BA GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA BA, BA-DA, DA BA BA BA-DA, BA-DA-DA BA GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA GRUSCHA GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA, GRUSCHA Thanks so much. We are once again still delighted to be here. The next song we're going to play is title track from our CD. The song is called "Love Is Not A Potato," from the CD also happens to be called "Love Is Not A Potato," based on a very famous Russian saying that goes, love is not a potato, you can't just throw it out the window. Honestly, I don't really know what the hell that saying means, but it is pretty catchy, and we thought that it merited a song by us, so here goes. LOVE IS NOT A POTATO LOVE IS NOT A POTATO ONE OF THEM IS A TUBER THAT GROWS IN THE GROUND THE OTHER IS A FEELING THAT MAKES YOU ACT LIKE A CLOWN LOVE AND POTATOES ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS JUST LIKE MY GRANDMA USED TO SING OOH-OOH LOVE IS NOT A POTATO YOU CAN'T JUST THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW OOH-OOH LOVE IS NOT A POTATO SO DON'T JUST GIVE IT OUT TO SOME BIMBO OOH-OOH LOVE IS NOT A POTATO YOU DON'T HAVE TO PEEL IT AND FRY IT OOH-OOH LOVE IS NOT A POTATO I URGE YOU ALL TO GO AHEAD AND TRY IT LOVE IS NOT A POTATO LOVE IS NOT A POTATO OOH ONE OF THEM MAKES YOUR HEART GO ALL AFLUTTER THE OTHER IS GOOD WITH A LITTLE SOUR CREAM OR BUTTER LOVE AND POTATOES ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS JUST LIKE OLD YURI MISHKIN SINGS OOOH-OOH LOVE IS NOT A POTATO YOU CAN'T JUST THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW OOH-OOH LOVE IS NOT A POTATO SO DON'T JUST GIVE IT OUT TO SOME BIMBO OOH-OO LOVE IS NOT A POTATO YOU DON'T HAVE TO PEEL IT AND BOIL IT OOH-OOH LOVE IS NOT A POTATO YOU CAN'T JUST THROW IT DOWN THE TOILET LOVE IS NOT A POTATO LOVE IS NOT A POTATO OOH-OOH LOVE IS NOT A POTATO YOU CAN'T JUST THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW OOH-OOH LOVE IS NOT A POTATO YOU CAN'T JUST GIVE IT OUT TO SOME BIMBO OOH-OOH LOVE IS NOT A POTATO YOU DON'T HAVE TO PEEL IT AND FRY IT OOH-OOH LOVE IS NOT A POTATO I URGE YOU ALL TO GO AHEAD AND TRY IT LOVE IS NOT A POTATO LOVE IS NOT A POTATO LOVE IS NOT A POTATO LOVE IS NOT A POTATO 00H! Whoo! Yuri Mishkin, everybody, and Optometri. If you're just tuning in, the one and only Yuri Mishkin and Optometri. Yuri, it's a surreal pleasure. It is a great pleasure for you to have us here today. We've had lots of big stars on the 30 Minute Music Hour television program. We're just continuing that trend. And we can't top this maybe at least today, is my theory. There's not many Soviet bands in America, fewer even in the Midwest. What's the back story? How did Optometri make it to the U.S.? Most everybody knows by now, we were very big sensation in former Soviet Union. As youthful populations there started growing disenchanted, and started clamoring for a counter revolution, we became sort of the youthful voice of Soviet counter revolution. That was when we rose to great superstardom. Then, of course, we too became disenchanted with that. We started kind of seeing the sort of meet the new boss same as the old boss sort of corruption everywhere we look. So we try to disengage ourself from counter revolution. We go in and we storm into office of the boss of counter revolution and start yelling at him. I remember very clearly pounding on his desk and seeing his coffee cup with the coffee in it rattling around, coffee spilling over into saucer. We storm out and as we're backing out our apartment, packing up for vacation, suddenly, some strange aroma and some mist starts appearing. Next thing we remember, we are here in Wisconsin, America. Sounds like kind of a re-run of a television series, or something like that. I think it would make good television series. There are many top television agents who have been approaching us about this. Here you are now. Who are some of your musical influences in rock camp? We like many of the great rock 'n roll bands of both America and England. One that is particularly influential was the band known as the Village People. We like them because they celebrate the workers. They have many types of workers on board. They have the police worker, the construction worker, the Indian chief worker, so that has always been very dear to our heart. Yeah, that sounds like the right kind of inspiration. The band has been together right from the start? Any line-up changes? Well, we have the Shostakovich cousins on board. We used to just have Dmitri Shostakovich, but he was always so drunk half the time, we ended up having to get a sub, so we get his cousin Timetri Shostakovich to substitute. Then we realize he's not so reliable either, so we figure if we invite both of them, odds are pretty good one or the other will show up. Sometimes both show up, and they're willing to split the pay, so no skin off my nose. Everybody gets along then? - Mostly. Sometimes I have to whip them into shape, especially Ivan. I mean, he's so lazy, he's even exited stage at this point. But he is well known as laziest keyboardist on either side of the pond. I'm often having to tell him, "I'm paying you to use two hands, Ivan, two hands," but just try to get him to put his drink down long enough to play. I see one on the keyboard. How about a few more songs? Could you do that for us? I think we could spare a few more moments for you, Andy. Thank you. Everybody, Optometri. This next song we're going to do is an allegory, which for those of you who are not English majors, it's sort of a metaphor that doesn't know when to shut up. It's called the "Volga Boatman." One, two, three, four! I SAID TO THE VOLGA BOATMAN CAN YOU PLEASE TAKE ME ACROSS? I DON'T CARE HOW LONG IT TAKES I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH IT COSTS THEN THE BOATMAN HE REPLIED IT'LL COST YOU A LOT OF DOUGH BUT YES I WILL TAKE YOU ACROSS THE VOLGA'S MIGHTY H20 V-O-L-G-A IT IS NO FUN TO CROSS THE V-O-L-G-A I WISH I'D NEVER CROSSED THE V-O-L-G-A I URGE YOU NOT TO CROSS THE V-O-L-G-A ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! I HANDED THE BOATMAN A HEFTY SUM AND STEPPED ABOARD HIS CRAFT AS SOON AS WE HAD LEFT THE SAFETY OF THE SHORE THE VOLGA BOATMAN LAUGHED HE SAID, NOW THAT YOU HAVE STEPPED ABOARD MY CRAFT YOU ARE IN FOR A HELLISH RIDE THEN SUDDENLY I STARTED TO FEEL REAL SICK AND PUKING OVER THE SIDE V-O-L-G-A IT IS NO FUN TO CROSS THE V-O-L-G-A I WISH I'D NEVER CROSSED THE V-O-L-G-A I URGE YOU NOT TO CROSS THE V-O-L-G-A ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! FINALLY WE REACHED THE OTHER SHORE MUCH TO MY RELIEF I TURNED TO THANK THE BOATMAN BUT HE HAD VANISHED LIKE A THIEF THEN I STEPPED ASHORE AND WAS GREETED BY A DOG THAT HAD THREE HEADS AND I REALIZED I HAD ACTUALLY ARRIVED IN HELL ON ACCOUNT OF BEING DEAD V-O-L-G-A IT IS NO FUN TO CROSS THE V-O-L-G-A I WISH I'D NEVER CROSSED THE V-O-L-G-A I URGE YOU NOT TO CROSS THE V-O-L-G-A ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! Thanks very much. You know, as international superstars, we have privilege of traveling all over globe, even parts of the very Soviet Union, where we once resided. Many parts that people don't realize were part of Soviet Union. You see, it was Union of Soviet Socialist Republic. It was made up of many wonderful republics, including the Baltic Republics. We loved them all dearly, but of all the Baltic Republics, there was one that stood out as our most beloved of all. The song is our ode to that republic. It's called "My Sweet Estonia." MY ESTONIA MY SWEET ESTONIA MY ESTONIA THE LOVELIEST BALTIC REPUBLIC IF I SHOULD EVER FIND A MAGIC LAMP I WILL SURELY RUB IT AND SHOULD A GENIE EMERGE FROM IT I SHALL WISH FOR A MAGIC CARPET ON WHICH TO FLY TO MY ESTONIA MY SWEET ESTONIA MY ESTONIA OVER BY LATVIA AND LITHUANIA MY LONGING FOR YOU IS THE SOURCE OF MY DIPSOMANIA SHOULD I EVER RUN OUT OF AQUAVIT I SHALL SIGN ON WITH A BALTIC FISHING FLEET WITH WHICH TO SAIL TO MY ESTONIA MY SWEET ESTONIA HOW I YEARN FOR YOUR ARCTIC SPLENDOR TO YOUR CHARMS I WOULD GLADLY SURRENDER WITHOUT A FIGHT OH MY ESTONIA MY SWEET ESTONIA MY ESTONIA MY SWEET ESTONIA We're going to finish off this wonderful engagement with a famous anthem that I'm sure all of you have heard before. If you ever go to sporting event, it is all over world. It is called "We Will Bury You." And for those of you watching at home, you can do the clapping and thumping along with us. It's three claps, two thumps. Ready? (clapping and drum rhythm) WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WE WILL EMPLOY A TENACIOUS DEFENSE THAT WILL SHACKLE YOUR LEADING SCORER OUR ATTACKERS WILL PUT YOU TO SHAME YOUR DEFENDERS WILL SHRIEK IN HORROR WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WE WILL INGEST SPECIAL SUBSTANCES TO ENSURE OUR PHYSICAL ADVANTAGE BY THE TIME THE FAT LADY SINGS YOUR TEAM PHYSICIAN WILL RUN OUT OF BANDAGE WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WE WILL BURY YOU WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO! We're Optometri! We love Wisconsin! (cheers and applause)