unMASKing Hope

Flames crackling

Woman

Loss and grief are intensely painful, and yet they are also in a way sort of harbingers of human hope and resilience. From the moment, our paths crossed, you surprised me and challenged me in a way that no human being ever has. I have fallen in love with you again and again, countless times and I still can't believe that today I get to marry my best friend!

Music playing

Woman

People cheering and applauding

People whistling

Woman

Music fades out

Woman

Lee

It's like in a way like a forest fire that is horrible while it's happening and it causes a lot of destruction, but out of that will come the possibility of new growth and new strength and new ways of being in the forest.

Insects chirping

Lee

Horns honking

Woman

The night before, September 10th, I remember leaving work that night excited and talking to my boss because it was my 1-year anniversary at Morgan Stanley in Two World Trade Center on the 74th floor. And so, I was excited for September 11th. Uh, my best friend Taylor and I, we always said, you know, Route 91 just seems like this country festival that would be the most perfect and fun place. And so in 2017 was the first year that we said, "OK, we have everything together.

Let's do it." I remember walking into the venue, but I don't remember it being any monumental thing. It almost looked like a carnival. There was a lot of people everywhere dancing, everyone's laughing, having a good time.

Man

1976, when I was 10, my best friend had showed up at my house with all this candy. And I said, "Raymond, where you get all this candy?" He said, "Oh, down at this one house. There's this new guy who bought that big house on the corner." So we went down there, he introduced me to him. Ohh!

Montgomery

And when you walked into his home, it was like walking into an arcade. There were no limits, and kids were cursing and he didn't correct them. I remember meeting the individual, and he asked me what school I went to and I told him. And he asked me about what type of grades I was making.

I said, "Well, I'm not doing too good." And he said, "Well, if you ask your mom, I would like to tutor you."

Horns honking

Man

You should not expect to live your whole life without being traumatized one way or another. Trauma happens to 90%, 97%. It will happen. It is there just waiting for you.

What do you do with it once it happens? Are you going to completely try to forget about it, put it aside? Is that going to become your new identity? Or is it going to become something that guides your life in a--in a more positive way?

Lazinger

So, I was walking through the plaza. I was excited. I remember the outfit I was wearing. I remember--because it was such nice weather-- I remember the slip-on shoes that I was wearing.

And I had a bag across me, and, you know, I'm happy 23 going to work on my 1-year anniversary. That day was no different than any. It was a--a beautiful day. Uh...

Keith is going to work, "Have a good day, love you," and out the door. Uh, and then...and then that day happened and everything turned upside-down. It was like I was in my own little happy movie, and it was as I was just walking into the building. And I was so in that mindset that I didn't even hear the plane approaching.

Loud engine noise

Lazinger

And then all of a sudden, this man interrupted me, and he screamed, "Holy

bleep

Lazinger

!" And it was that and then at the same time,

Explosion

Lazinger

Crash, boom. My ears blew out. Just--just world changed. I had no idea what was happening.

Phone ringing

Man

I have a restricted phone in-- in my office. That phone started ringing off the hook. The two-way radios in my office were going crazy, and then people started banging on the--the door. Uh, they told me that a plane had just hit one of the Towers.

I was at work, actually, when 9/11 happened, and I just remember, it was early in the morning. And we brought up the TV from the break room up to the front after we had heard what was happening, and we're just watching everything unfold. We saw the first plane-- you know--plane into the Tower. And I thought, you know, probably he would be called down because his particular ambulance was part of the 911 system-- uh, emergency, major type stuff--as a support.

Seeing the, um, the smoke coming from the buildings, that's when I realized that there's a big incident going on in New York City. Very concerned. I knew he was gonna be down there.

Birds chirping

Montgomery

The beginning of my 6th grade year, come to find out he's my homeroom teacher, so I'm like, "Wow! Not only is he my tutor, but now I'm in his homeroom!" And he said, you know, "Hey, I want you to join our troop with some other kids. "We go camping, and, um, I'm also Neighborhood Watch Patrol." I thought if we went out on patrol, he's gonna catch some bad guys. And for 3 weeks, I begged my mom, "I want to go out on patrol.

I want to go on patrol." And you're having a sleepover with--with the scout troop. Went so far as to contact the local police department, called the school to see if there was any type of complaints or anything, and there weren't.

Music playing, crowd screaming

Collen

So I was looking at my phone, and the next thing I knew a couple minutes later is Jason Aldean was up on the stage, and all of a sudden, I heard this popping sound.

Maurer

It was like a continuous like, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, but then it stopped. It didn't register for me until the second round of pops.

Collen

My heart started pounding. I knew something was off, but I wasn't quite sure what. And Jason Aldean was singing, and all of a sudden, his voice started to lower a little bit. He looked immediately in our direction towards where that sound was coming from.

And the last thing I remember was he took his guitar and he slung it over his back, jumped off the stage, and then the stage completely went black. And at that point, the popping started again.

Loud popping

People screaming

Collen

And the next thing I remember is that everyone dropped to the ground. When I looked up at the ground, because we're on grass, I just saw these things hitting the grass and bouncing off and hitting the grass and bouncing off. And at that point, it kind of clicked in that, you know, those are bullets, we need to get out.

Lazinger

As soon as we kind of stumbled outside the building, the second plane hit.

Explosion

Lazinger

Immediately, it started raining down debris, pieces of anything metal and glass and things that-- I--I wasn't stopping to look and think about what was happening. It was just-- it was just raining.

Sirens

Delaney

I arrived with 23 personnel-- paramedics and EMTs. There were people in a hotel which is adjacent to Tower Two. My team and I were ultimately gonna make our way to that hotel.

Phone ringing

Delaney

I--I couldn't believe it, and the first thing I did was I picked up the phone to call Becky on her cell phone. I couldn't reach her. And it was just at, like, 9:00 that I actually got through to Keith, and he told me that he was down there, uh, that he couldn't talk, very busy. And I just said, "John, be careful, and I'll see you tonight." That was it.

Linda Lazinger

And then Sam, my husband, called me. Becky did call his office, like, I don't know, maybe an hour later. We were very lucky. She was running.

She was running out of that hellhole. You know when you put your hands over your ears and you can't really hear your own voice? It sounds like an echo and you can't really hear anything else? That's what it sounded like right after the explosion.

And all I could hear was my heartbeat in, like, my throat. In the midst of everything, in the midst of the chaos and things crashing down, I ran just instinctively and wildly and lost my shoes when I was running.

Loud popping

Maurer

And I couldn't run. My body-- I was like, you need to go. This is obviously a serious situation. This is--if you're ever gonna run fast in your life, now is the time.

I heard Jonathan a couple times say, "If you trip, We're gonna get trampled. Don't fall. We have to stay standing up," but I couldn't move.

Screams fade out

Maurer

Car wheels on pavement

Montgomery

We went on patrol, and, um, I thought it was interesting that I was the only one in the car

probably about 9

00,

10

00 at night. And we're driving around the neighborhood, and we didn't see anything. So I was disappointed, actually, you know, tired. And so he's like, "Well, we'll go back to my house." And he said, "Do you want something to drink?" And I said, "Yeah, I have a glass of milk." And I didn't realize at the time, but instead of bringing me a glass of milk, he brought me a glass of water, but the water was somewhat cloudy.

And then I don't remember what happened after that

until around 3

00-something in the morning. When I did wake up... I remember my pants was down, uh, my shirt was off. I just grabbed my clothes and I ran downstairs.

And before I get out, I felt someone grab my ankle. I remember the words of this one kid we called Geronimo. "If you tell anyone, you're gonna have more than a busted you-know-what." And I remember going home in so much pain.

Sniffs

until around 3

I couldn't tell my mother, and all I said was, "It was boring," but I kept going back. And that's when it became 3 years of a nightmare. The teacher, the tutor became what I call the mask maker.

Delaney

We were going to start to enter the Towers. There was a Port Authority cop standing on the right-hand side of the Tower. And, uh, right at the corner of the building, he said, "Run for your lives! It's coming down!"

Loud rumbling

Delaney

So I just dove. As I dove, I actually flew through the air like Superman.

Loud crash, rumbling

Delaney

I laid there for a few minutes, and I finally lifted my head up, and I was in about 6 to 8 inches of concrete dust. I tried to take a couple breaths. I could not breathe. My mother had always said to me, "If you ever think you're dying, you need to say the Hail Mary." Anybody that says the Hail Mary when they're dying will go to heaven.

So--ha ha!--I actually, when I was laying there thinking I was dying, I was saying the Hail Mary.

Sirens

Maurer

The moment that I realized that there was a mass shooting was the news popped on. It was a panned shot up, no street, just the hotel and the black sky, the lights of the Mandalay Bay, and the police red-and-blue just ricocheting off all the windows, and the curtains just like almost maniacally flowing in the wind. And that was the moment I think we all looked at each other and were like, "We just got shot at from a window. "Somebody just sat in a window and actively tried to pick off 22,000 people."

Delaney

We need to go back out and look for the others.

High-pitched whistling

Delaney

Walking back outside, we could hear all the pass alarms from the firefighters. All I could hear was the pass alarms.

Pass alarms continue

Delaney

We had the dispatcher doing what we call a radio roll call. And, um, I stayed back because I needed to find my two guys who were not responding to the radio.

Dispatch tones

Delaney

Maurer

I cannot leave Vegas and pretend this place doesn't exist fast enough. Driving away from Vegas, I absolutely decided that that was the last time that I would ever be there ever again.

Collen

And we're getting on the plane and, you know, I didn't want to see the Mandalay Bay. I didn't want to see the hotels we were in, and I definitely didn't want to see the concert venue. I shut the window just because I didn't want to look out again. I said, "I will never come back to this place."

Window shade thumps

Answering machine clicks, beeps

Clicking

Lazinger

And--and then I went home and the voicemail machine and all the people crying, asking me to call them back and me kind of not understanding what had just happened or what I had just survived or why I had just survived.

Linda Lazinger

"Oh, my God. "What is this going to do to my daughter? How is she gonna be able to get through this?" And I was really-- I didn't know. I mean, I was just really scared for her.

It was like, left for the morning, was excited for that day, that anniversary day. Things just turned inside-out...

Screaming

Linda Lazinger

like it sucked something out of me.

Man

When a trauma happens, when your--your sense of safety is broken, it's shocking to you. It creates a break in your life narrative. As that builds up, it'll just grow and fester that sense of safety being gone, not knowing where you're gonna find it. It takes a toll on every aspect of your body.

Lee

They had to fly in using like a base of maneuvers, just so we weren't shot at or a potential target, whereas we were landing into Baghdad Airport. 9/11 is what really made me realize that I can't just sit back and not do something. So when the cargo door opened and first hit boots on ground, it was like this intense heatwave just smacking you in the face.

Slot machine dings, rattles

Maurer

What are the chances? And we were thinking to ourselves, the chances of this happening to us are so slim. Now we go on with the rest of our lives knowing this is our second chance.

Delaney

The body recovery of my men was an extraordinarily emotional roller coaster for me. In this industry, it's a very, very tight group. I had regular communication with the families, went out and met with them, Would regularly give them updates. We, at one point, thought that we were not going to read Keith.

We didn't think we were gonna find Keith. We were giving up. This is like, you know, second month, third month they're into. No longer search.

It's now just recovery. Uh... y-you don't want to say "Give up," but the thought of never seeing him again... no.

The amount of grief surrounding the situation was incredible. It was actually quite an emotional burden. I didn't have anybody to vent to. I had to be the strong person that was dealing with the families of my guys that I lost.

Woman

When we don a mask, the persona, as Jung called it, the face we show to the world that nobody can see what's really going on underneath, the shadow side, as Jung also called it, the inner face, the part that we protect so mightily so that nobody knows what we're really going through.

Lee

The first time we got blown up, I was the driver. I just remember going down this road, and we had two Bradley tanks with us flanking us.

Explosion

Lee

It's a huge explosion. It's a big dust cloud. Like, obviously

bleep

Lee

just flying into our faces. I just remember, like, shouting and trying to check on everybody at the same time. Our front end was completely gone. I had some kind of head trauma because it just feels-- everything was just completely buzzy and...

We got checked out by some medics. They told us to grab something to eat and then we had another mission to go to. And this time, we were doing, um, IED sweeps. That moment, I really thought, like, "What the

bleep

Lee

am I doing here? "I--I just got blown up by a roadside bomb, and now I'm out looking for roadside bombs." You know, it just made no sense to me, but also that was my job. So, I just had to do what I had to do.

Elkin

When people experience a trauma, they still have to function in the world. So, what people often do is they put on a mask. They put on a--on a persona that is kind of what the world expects of them because they've got to be able to perform for that world, but it's important that they don't look and feel to the world as somebody who is sick.

Static

Montgomery

I'm watching the news and it's breaking news. And I see my former teacher, former scoutmaster being led out of the school, this school, Wogaman Elementary, in handcuffs, and I felt a burden had been lifted, but a weight had been placed on me because... of silence. I felt like I allowed other kids to be abused because I didn't have the strength nor the courage to speak up.

Silence. That's the first mask... that I put on, and it was on tight. You couldn't peel that mask off.

Man

A mask could be very functional at times and the mask can impose itself on the person. And then the person is imprisoned within his or her own mask.

Maurer

Was a couple weeks after, I was not feeling well. I was very sick, and I end up in the emergency room. The doctor came back and said, "All right, well, there's "a little bit of a change of plans. Um, you're--you're pregnant." The shock of what just happened hadn't quite died down yet, but the shock of the fact that I was pregnant superseded that tenfold.

I was scared. I was excited. I was nervous. I didn't know what to do.

Luckily, my mom was sitting next to me.

Woman

Megan, Molly and I, you know, we were a circle. I told them when they were little, "We're just a circle. "Nobody's more important than the other, and just sometimes one of us will need more help than others." And that's--that's the way we've always been.

Maurer

So, I was getting my ultrasound and he touched my stomach and that heartbeat was so strong and I laughed because I looked at my mom and I was, like, "Of course, of course." It was just "Ba-boom ba-boom," and here's Haydee waving at me. It's like, "Hi, Grandma." At that moment, it wasn't, "Oh, you're--you're pregnant." It was, "There is a full-blown child," and you know, we looked over at the screen and there was a little nugget baby in--in my belly. "Oh, no." She was in there. I was pregnant at Route 91.

And then some things clicked for me. I think as I was feeling like I couldn't move, I didn't feel like I was unsafe. I felt like I--that was keeping me safe. You know, it wasn't just me by myself.

I wasn't the only one getting myself out. There was other factors to it that I needed to be focused on getting myself and Hayden out. Her spirituality started with--with Hayden. She saw Hayden as a-- as a miracle.

Lee

I was assaulted by a fellow soldier while I was in country, the middle of Iraq. You know, I had a room to myself. It was, I guess, a privilege, but apparently it was my downfall in the end.

Sniffs

Lee

But, uh... it was just somebody that I knew and... worked with, fellow soldier. Obviously, it's not something that you expect to happen.

I was just in my room and he came over. No, big deal. I didn't have the time to have to deal with something like that because I had a job to do and I had soldiers that counted on me.

Delaney

I got a call in March from the pit. They said that they had recovered my second guy. And then I had to go and speak with his family. So after we were told that they have Keith, he's at the Medical Examiner's, uh, we took the hearse and we went into the city and bro--brou--

Sobbing

Delaney

brought Keith home.

Woman

Grief is the response to loss. That's what-- and it's a total body response. It's a psychological response. It's a biological, physical response and a spiritual one, right?

So, the core feature of grief is longing and yearning for the--to have it back. We just want to not have to face this. We want it to go away. We want it to go back the way it was.

Lee

You know, when we got back, we had--had a whole welcome home ceremony at the unit, but at the time, I didn't consider myself a veteran. Veterans were the guys with the World War II hats and the USS whatever hats, you know. That's--you take the questionnaire and they ask you, like, "Oh, are you feeling depressed?" "Are you--do you have nightmares?" "Do you have this and that?" And you--you check the box "Yes." Every box was a "Yes." Just constantly crying or angry. I had road rage.

I, you know...And I had no idea what was going on. I just want to understand what's going on. I don't understand what's going on. PTSD hit me strong, and I went into that isolation mode.

She needed help, and I couldn't give all of that to her. I could love her, but I didn't really understand what she was going through. I was so sad, but I couldn't explain it. Or I felt bad opening my mouth and I had pushed my family away so hard.

They didn't know the extent of what was wrong, and I took out anger on them.

Linda Lazinger

She didn't want to talk to us sometimes. I didn't know what to do and give her some space or not give her space. I--I--it was very hard. I felt disconnected from her.

A mother disconnected from her child. It was very hard.

Lazinger

If I was wearing a mask, the... sort of dead inside, no emotion thing was my fallback for a long time. I just clung on tight to whatever I thought could help me sort of still keep up that robotic, kind of day-to-day, whether that was drinking or eating too much or too little or any-- any coping that I could to maintain that kind of...nothingness.

Collen

You know, in public people would see me and everything would look great. Um, but deep down, you know, when I was by myself, you know, there was nights where I'd wake up in the middle of the night and have a nightmare. And those were the times where, you know, the mask just wasn't quite working. My family, my close friends, people I work with just didn't know anything.

And after that year, you know, the mask just cracked. I started to drink a lot. I would go out with friends on the weekend and purposely black out so I didn't have to remember anything. I was prescribed Xanax, and I would take it like candy.

I didn't care. I didn't care what happened. I didn't care about the outcome. I didn't care what happened to me.

All I wanted to do was get through day to day and still pretend like everything was OK.

Etkin

And because that feeling of PTSD is often so much behind the mask is internal, you can actually seem quite functional, as it were, to the outside world, while being very impaired internally.

Machine beeping

Maurer

The doctor came in, sat down, 15 minutes later, they wrapped her in a blanket, and the next thing, you know, I just looked down and Hayden was laying on me. And I'm--when I was actually looking at her, I could not believe that this strong, little, resilient baby was finally here. I think I solidified that it really didn't happen to me on--on the day Hayden was born, because I now had a physical being. I wasn't thinking about that night.

I wasn't thinking about the shooting. I wasn't thinking about anything that happened that night, because my only thought process was I need to be a functioning adult to be able to be a good mother.

Cracking, person exhaling

Maurer

The mask cracked. It really cracked. These tools that I had weren't working anymore. My nightmares were out of control.

Medication didn't work anymore. Drinking was making things worse. I had severe symptoms with nightmares and trembling and panic attacks. And I thought that I deserved that because I survived and other people didn't.

Etkin

Survivor guilt just lingers. The question of why, the question of why in a way that cannot actually be answered with any fact other than it's just what happened.

Lazinger

I'll live with these symptoms. It's fine. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel.

Montgomery

It's fighting that ghost of your past that says, "You were weak, you were a victim." There's a part of you that feel like you weren't aware, you allowed this to happen. I'm a fraternity guy, a frat brother. I'm in Student Senate. Even though I was making Dean's List.

I'm Black Affairs. Commissioner. I'm leading protests, got BET on campus. I'm doing all this, and I would go to my dorm room and cry myself to sleep because no matter what I did, I could not breathe.

It took other people... to notice, other soldiers to notice that there was something going on with me, something wrong with me, and said, "You need to go to the VA." So in 2007, I was sent to Menlo Park to the National Center for PTSD for treatment. It wasn't till towards the end where, you know, several of the girls were talking about how they were assaulted, and I was just thinking, like, "God, those are just like-- they're just horror stories." But it wasn't until that... moment...

that I'd forgotten. that I... that I was just like them.

Maurer

So I was always pretty hesitant to leave my house, in general, I wasn't doing anything social. So I decided that once a week on Wednesday nights I'll go out. Borderline was a safe space for us, so that was really the only place I was comfortable going. For Borderline, there's always a lot of people there.

They're very busy, the dance floor was empty, and I remember swallowing my drink--

Loud popping

Maurer

And I heard the pop pop, and I was, like, "No way."

People screaming

Maurer

There was no question on what was going on. There was no question of what if. There was no--some people thought it was the speaker, anything. I never questioned it, and I never turned around.

My back was to the dance floor and the door. And I was facing the windows and the exit, and as soon as I heard it, I--I--we just ran. There was no question on what needed to be done. All business.

No emotion. I called my mom.

Christine Maurer

"Shots fired, shots fired. It's happening again," And I was like, "I'll call you. I'll call you when I'm safe again." Did this just happen? You know, is-- this can't be happening.

Maurer

This time was a little harder because this time hit a lot closer to home. There weren't 22,000 people in the bar, and these are people that you see on a weekly basis.

Christine Maurer

Molly's big deal was, we kept telling her after Vegas, "Hey, this is a horrible thing. It's a one-off. This will never happen again." And that was her big thing is, "Don't ever say that to me again."

Man

Severely traumatized people tend to focus on the loss, on the horror, on the fear, whereas if you look deeply, they've kept enormous amount-- haven't lost--you never lose everything. There is no situation for your loss of everything. So, the loss is a very good way for me to start discussing what is left, what there is now that is--is still intact that you can find for people.

Delaney

Probably doesn't come as any surprise. I, uh, I haven't worn this-- this helmet or the jacket, um, since 9/11.

Man

Jack Delaney is a, um, retired/disabled regular citizen. Jack Delaney has moved on into a different phase of his life. I've got 3 wonderful kids. They went through a lot of trauma themselves at a very young age.

I was still doing my work down at Ground Zero. So, when I would come home at night, and we could sit in the living room and--and chat, obviously, I needed to, uh, be very vague on what I was telling them. I think that he did try to protect us. I think that's just my dad, always try to be the calmest person in the room.

That's--that's what he is. My children attended a tremendous number of funerals with me.

Bagpipes playing

Man

They were always there.

Shear

It does help us feel like a part of the community to participate in a memorial service. So we do this partly out of a sense of community and a sense of wanting to kind of say, you know, "We--we care," you know, that we care about each other. Although I was not able to share with my children what I was going through emotionally, they certainly figured something was-- and they were always there for me. I think it definitely does take a toll on him.

Delaney

I remember being asked to speak a eulogy at a funeral. I was like, "Oh, my God, how am I gonna possibly do this? I'm barely holding myself together."

Bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace"

John Delaney

I do remember after Keith Fairben's eulogy, it was a very powerful speech that he gave, and his speech affected everybody, and everybody standing outside, and for him to be so strong and not, uh, not show any emotion, is, uh... it must be really hard on him. It definitely takes a toll.

Woman

The publicly acknowledging that this actually happened, and that's something that we struggle with in terms of loss, because we--we sort of don't necessarily want to acknowledge it, we want to run away from it.

Delaney

Even today, the emotions continue. We've lost more rescue and recovery workers post-9/11 than we did on 9/11. So, the emotions continue. They haven't stopped.

Bagpipes continue

Delaney

Maurer

I would physically feel the fear and anxiety any time the option of leaving my house would arise. When you think about things from the perspective of somebody with PTSD, whose sense of the world is that the world is not safe, the most logical thing you could do to protect yourself, actually is to isolate. I was afraid for Hayden. The thought of her going to school was not even...

I--I couldn't even think about her leaving the house. When I did leave my house, I left by myself, and I came to the realization before I left my house that there's a pretty good chance that I could walk out of this door and I'm gonna die today, but I don't get to choose the way my brain processed those feelings. If PTSD, as it wears on, is the cause of more isolation, isolation then brings it full circle and causes more persistence of PTSD. You don't have the opportunity to experience things in life that might be corrective.

If you never give yourself the opportunity to experience that, it just locks in that sense of no safety anywhere around you and so you isolate more, and that reinforces that sense and you keep isolating. Nobody could leave. Everybody was in danger. No one was safe.

Etkin

Quite frankly, the one way to avoid something bad happening to you is not to do anything at all.

Maurer

And the fact that I was comfortable with that is when I realized that I need some help.

Montgomery

I did not save others from being hurt, and I blamed myself for years. because I could not break that mask of silence. I didn't break it... till I was 30...

6 years old-- 36, 37 years old. Fast forward to 2008, 2009. And there's this young man from my home city of Dayton named Mark. He becomes my intern.

And Mark had just finished giving a speech. and he called me up to tell me about it. Said, "Hey, Mark, what did you talk about?" He said, "Well, I talked about being sexually abused," and he began to tell me what happened to him, and it sounded so familiar, some of the same terminology. And I asked him, I said, "Mark, was the person named so-and-so?" And there was silence, and he said, "Yes," and I said, "Mark, it happened to me, too."

Horns honking

Man

I think we're mistaken to think that big trauma is war, 9/11, or some major disaster or, you know-- big trauma occurs every day of the week here in New York and elsewhere.

Collen

I was, I think 9 days out from when the event happened, and I sat down and she said, you know, "I'm diagnosing you with PTSD," and I just sat there and I thought to myself, like, I--how can I have PTSD? PTSD is for war veterans. PTSD is for people that I've been in combat. That's not something that I have.

Lazinger

Those days, I just hid from everyone, and I didn't go to work and I didn't, you know, so I don't think people could see how--how much I was breaking.

Etkin

When you experience a trauma, you experience it yourself, and it feels actually very isolating because you're the one to experience it, and all those people that you've met since have not experienced that event.

Maurer

So, after Borderline happens, Give an Hour is a nonprofit organization that teamed up and started survivor meetings once a week for all the Borderline survivors. I knew the meeting was there. I had all of the information at my fingertips. It took me...

I think about 4 sessions before I went.

Lazinger

Then I found the World Trade Center Health Clinic, and they understood. They understood trauma, they understood what happens after. So I started to see them for, basically, how to stand up again, like, how to be able to get me to, like, get to the next day. It's so critical to be able to find other people who at least share that sense of--of their safety being violated.

And I think a part of going to therapy is the first part is, you have to truly want to change. And I went in and just lost it. I cried. I probably cried for 3 minutes before I even said anything.

Word vomit, everything came out-- fears, fears about the future, fears about the shooting that night came up. Route came up.

Etkin

Trauma has happened to a lot of different people, and some people are further along in their process in dealing with it and recovering than you, but you can look to that as--as an analog, as--as a way to normalize your experience which is so inherently yours.

Collen

Um, you know, the second you sit back and you just say to yourself, you know, "This will take time, this is not easy, everything will be OK," then that's when I think the healing happens. The hard part came after getting real treatment and then being real honest. It's been so long that I'd never used my tear ducts. So--ha ha--I feel like I've practiced.

Etkin

And so much of just seeking help is normalizing that this happened. It was the first time that I realized that I'm not crazy. That was the first time I realized that it wasn't my fault. I had convinced myself I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It wasn't that we shouldn't have been there. It shouldn't have happened. Until you see that other people can echo parts of that and you have an opportunity to reach your hand out, learn from them, and have them help you down the path to recovery. I truly believe therapy is one of the hardest things, but I also believe that it's one of the greatest things that there is in life.

Lee

I decided to move to New York. I need to get back to my passion in live theater, performing, singing. I'd like to think that was the starting point. I don't--I don't know how I met her, retired Colonel Ann Wright.

She had invited me to speak at a rally regarding military sexual trauma in the middle of Times Square. This was in 2009. How could I let this happen to me? I feel weak.

I feel stupid. I feel ashamed. I feel shattered. I am silenced.

These are the thoughts that ran circles in my head after I was raped twice in 2004. So, the first time that I spoke about my experience, uh, with MST, in a public forum like this in Times Square, it was the first time that I really, I think, admitted to myself what had happened. I finally have the courage and strength to say to you and to anyone who will hear me... my name is Staff Sergeant Sandra Lee, a soldier and woman who was raped 5 years ago, but that does not define me.

I am not weak. I'm not stupid. I'm not ashamed, and I am not shattered.

Crying

Lee

And I will not be silenced anymore. We will not be silenced anymore!

Man

Thank you, soldier! Thank you, sister!

Lee

I would say that press conference was the turning point because if--if I hadn't have done that, uh, I--I don't know where I would be right now.

Woman

It pretty much always feels risky to take that mask off, because it makes us so vulnerable.

Linda Lazinger

I feel that time has been robbed from my daughter, and now she sort of has to start all over again.

Lazinger

There are a lot of years, I don't want to say wasted because I learned a lot from them, but there were a lot of years that have slipped by, and the conventional life for me didn't sort of gel during that time.

Man

Loneliness is really one thing that you need to help trauma survivors to overcome.

Lazinger

Being with my dog has been, like, the biggest joy. One kiss...please. Thanks. No, I don't know how to explain it.

She knows how to take care of me. We sort of look out for each other because she has her--her triggers, and I have mine, and I--I don't know--to PTSD animals and people. I love you, Fox.

Siren fading away

Lazinger

And that was the first time, 2008-2009, that I even shared with anyone what had happened. And Mark said this to me. He said, "Lyman," he said, "you're my mentor, you're my friend, and you're my brother. You have to share your story, man." And I remember hanging up the phone.

Computer keys clicking

Lazinger

I couldn't stop writing. Literally, I would wake up, and it was like... everything that was in me I had to somehow put it on paper. I couldn't talk about it, but I had to put it on paper.

There was something very cathartic about writing that when I began to write, it took me back to those same feelings, those same emotions as if I were watching a movie. And that's what led to 345 pages. And I shared it with Mark, and he read it. He called me crying saying, "Man, you got a book here." I said, "I didn't write it for that!

"This is not--no! This is-- this is not "to go out to the world, man. I'm just sharing it with you." He's, like, "Lyman, it's not about you." And that's when I remembered Pastor Leon Fontaine. "The suffering of this world "is not to be compared to the glory that shall be revealed." It was at that moment, almost 30-plus years later from the incident that it made sense that the book that became "Shattered Masks" would bring glory to someone else that either had gone through, were going through, or knew someone that was going through it.

Lights buzzing

Lazinger

Lee

That dark part, the untouchable part... may not be something that I'll ever share out loud... A stove--metal, flame... but I do believe I share it in other ways when I'm performing......has been marked with tides.

I eventually started using theater as my therapy. Instead of hiding from reality, I...slowly started to embrace the traumas... Fathers... and use it to my advantage.

Brothers and sisters. What it is, it's a controllable mask that I'll put on while I'm on stage, except I can take it off as soon as I exit stage right 'cause otherwise, I think sometimes I would just fall to pieces.

Collen

One of my friends contacted me and said, "You know, there's this retreat going on. It's for people that have been in mass shootings." I remember the first day walking in, and there was this big room and Molly was standing there, and she introduced yourself to me and said, you know, "Hi. I'm Molly. What's your name?" And I introduced myself, and instantly We kind of had that connection.

Maurer

I'm hoping to feel relief because I am a little bit nervous to go.

Collen

I'm very nervous to go back. You know, the association that I have of Vegas is obviously of that night, and I never thought that I would go back.

Maurer

I want to find a rock that represents myself and my experience with the shootings, which I feel like is a unique experience. And I want my rock to represent that, and then when I go to put it at the memorial, it brings all of us together.

Collen

You know, something I thought about was maybe finding a rock that had like a jaggedy outside and then a more smooth surface to kind of show that, you know, after going through these shootings and, you know, going through therapy and the process, that it's not always gonna be a smooth ride. I do think that Molly and I will--will be friends for life. Having that person there that truly, truly understands what you've been through is the best form of healing.

Maurer

We met through healing our traumas, so that bonded us, but we utilize each other for support now. We ended up finding each other's rocks.

Collen

It was actually interesting because I found Molly's rock and Molly found my rock. But I do think bringing this rock from a place that's so peaceful, you know, I can bring it there and set it down and hopefully add some peace to a place that was at one point just complete chaos.

Maurer

I'm excited to--to take my piece from here and take it to the memorial.

Etkin

As we think about how people recover from trauma, a big part of doing that is physically revisiting the place associated with that trauma. That could be going to the site where maybe there's a memorial now for not just what you experienced but what a lot of other people experienced at the same time, which itself does a lot in terms of honoring that collective experience, even though you feel like it's just you going through this.

Lazinger

When you look out at the street there and you see the--the steam and the crowds and there-- it's sort of a, uh... a sliver of what it looked and felt like that day in these little winding streets. I'm afraid that if I feel that heat and that panic and that, like, desperate life-or-death fear again that it won't stop. What they did was, um, the names that are on the footprint is actually the members that were actually lost in that Tower.

So, it's not like they just put names on the-- on the footprint.

Etkin

Bringing up the memories of the event and having you work with them and--and manipulate them and integrate them into your own narrative, that gives you a sense of control.

Delaney

Keith Fairben, who was a paramedic at New York Cornell Columbia Presbyterian, he and his partner Mario were inside the lobby of Tower Two when Tower Two came down, and they both perished.

Lazinger

This feels like there's a storm inside of me and I'm afraid to... access that. I'm afraid that I'll never... It's taken so long to sort of climb out from such dark times that I'm afraid if I feel what I felt or I feel the significance or the real gravity of it that I'm-- I'm not gonna be able to get myself out of there again.

But that's part of the healing process, I guess.

Siren

Etkin

So often, people try to explain why their PTSD has happened, and the sad truth of it is there is no why. It just did.

Water splashing

Etkin

So, the first time I saw Sandra was in rehearsal. "Oh, this is-- there's a new guy." She's just really standing out, and I just felt I kind of had like tunnel vision on her at that point. So, I really wasn't looking for anybody. I was OK being by myself, and I actually preferred it that way.

Man

I just messaged her, and I was, like, "Hey, "um, I would love to talk to you about the rehearsal and kind of your process and your story." Thankfully, she responded to that, so that was cool! Oh, the more we started talking, I was like, "Wow, this is-- this is different." And I just remember thinking like, "Wow, "I have literally spent all day with this person and it feels like I've known them forever." You know, it wasn't really until just recently that I didn't consider myself damaged goods. Who wants this former soldier with PTSD brain injury, you know, can't remember anything, sexual trauma history? Like, who wants that?

Nobody. What made me want to stay is--is the... the fact that, like, I--I didn't necessarily feel like I needed to heal this person or like, or that she needed to change. Like, to me, she was great from the start and that was just one thing that you have to deal with in order to be with the person, right?

Nobody's perfect.

Lee

I'm still trying to work it out in myself to realize that he's not going anywhere. Even if I was--you know, had a night terror and he had to like lead me to the shower because I was shivering so cold with, like, cold sweats. He did all that. I think in the back of my mind, I'll always have that wonder if he will eventually-- if it'll wear him down.

Man

I can understand like, "Hey, you know what, there are "gonna be good days to this and there are gonna be bad days to this," but if I kind of keep that in mind of, like, "You know what, this person has had some serious trauma. "She's had a seriously rocky road before meeting me. "You know, she has this whole backstory that I wasn't part of." You would be kind of a jerk not to--not to empathize with that and, you know, kind of sympathize in a way, too. Having Mac as my partner in life, he's really helped me, like, revealing a lot of my true self, what's underneath the mask that I had been holding up to myself for a very long time.

Light rain

Man

I have the reflux, the GERD; uh, sinusitis; rhinosinusitis; PTSD. There's my shoulder, my back. Every year, I go for a CT scan. I have nodules on my lungs that were...

I have a little debris in my lungs.

Dishes clink

Man

Debbie is the greatest. Let me tell you something. She is such a sweetheart!

Debbie

Ha ha ha! We have fun together.

Delaney

We weren't expecting the buildings to come down, so we had no respiratory protection. We had the concrete and all the glass was pulverized as well. All of that glass was in very, very fine dust particles. All of the computers, all of the things that were in the offices and all of those toxins, that's what--what is causing the issues.

My injuries were career-ending. I tried to stay on as long as I possibly could. You know, it's not a choice. You don't have a choice that you're going out.

It's you no longer meet the standards and you're unable to perform your job. Being a single dad with 3 kids and trying to put kids through college and, uh, hold onto a house that you have a mortgage on and stuff, um...things were really, really tight. Jack doesn't sit around and breathe and let my emotions out. If I were to show you my calendar, Jack keeps himself very, very busy.

so he really doesn't need to reflect back or doesn't give himself an opportunity to reflect back, and that's a self-defense. If I really sat there and totally reflected back...

Flames crackling

Delaney

I don't know... what would happen.

Lazinger

Almost immediately after 9/11, I started having nightmares. So, I used to have a nightmare that I lost my shoes, but then like I was in a parking lot and a truck ran over my foot and I think at that time, I sort of wished something physical had happened to my foot. Then it would make explaining... all of this so much easier.

Now I have adorned my feet with, um, tattoos that were gifted to me by the Healing Inc. people. So, now, when I look down at my feet, I think-- first of all, I'm surprised every time 'cause I see some wildflowers growing on my feet. That's the pure and simple element of, like, "Oh, isn't that pretty?

Isn't that nice?" Kind of just a quick like smile, but then I really do-- It does really make me think about the reminder that these are feet that ran really well when they had to and they saved me. I'm hoping they'll also kind of take me back to who I am. I completely lost myself for so long, so I'm hoping these... flowered feet will kind of make their way home somehow.

Collen

I should--I should outline it.

Yeah. Collen

Like, do it more across,

and then do like-- Maurer

OK, OK, OK.

Collen

So you can say it.

Maurer

I don't want to get ahead.

Collen

What I wrote on the front of the rock--3 words, and it says "Strength in Numbers." When my best friend and I were leaving or trying to get out of the venue, we heard one guy run out, and he kept saying, you know, "Strength in numbers, strength in numbers." He was obviously thinking, "OK, a big group of people." We didn't know where the gunshots were coming from. More people together, you know, would be better. So, now I think it has a different meaning for me. The healing process doesn't happen alone.

Maurer

And then I put the date that we're going to the memorial because I thought it'd be nice to go back and have Hayden go back in years from now and then have the date on there.

Collen

On the back of my rock, I did put the number 58. You know, there were 58 people that didn't make it out of that venue like I did. 'Cause I am able to bring something back and visit the site and continue living my life while 50 other people aren't ever able to.

Maurer

I've been avoiding Vegas because I didn't want to-- it's not a happy place for me right now. So I...I'm excited to use this opportunity as a moving forward point. I want to drive away from Vegas and I want to look-- I want to look back and see Hayden in her car seat and feel happy that we went.

Mac

The wedding day was the craziest of days, but in the best of ways.

Lee

I was getting married and I never thought that I would. I never thought that I would find somebody who took me exactly as I was without having to fix myself or be something that I wasn't.

Woman

Today is a celebration of the love, the commitment, and friendship between you two.

Mac

And then she comes out walking down the aisle. And I was thinking, "Man, like, how did I get so lucky "to be with this person? And how did I convince this person to do this with me?"

Lee

I really didn't think that I would be emotional going down the aisle, but I couldn't help it. I was just crying. And so then, when I look at my pictures, I'm, like, "Aw, man, I wish I wasn't crying with, you know..." I promise to be true to you, to uplift and support you, to frustrate and challenge you, and to share with you the beautiful moments of life. I promise to give you the best of me every single day of our lives, to fight beside you against any and all of life's battles, to protect and provide warmth and security for the whole new family that we're building together and to cherish all of those memories along the way.

Insects chirping

Lee

Man,

on radio

3-alarm, 21 North.

Woman

People like to think that you go through a process and it may be painful, but then it's over, and that's not the case.

Engine starts

Woman

Because when we lose someone or something important to us, we've lost that forever.

Fairben

When my--my pager goes off and I--I know I got to respond here to the firehouse, I--I know that I'm gonna be with Keith.

Shear

We're going to make some peace with it. We're gonna find a way to accept this as a new reality to still honor the person we've lost.

Fairben

Y-You put your gear on. Like I said, I tap his--his locker and, you know, "Here we go."

Shear

We integrate the loss into our mind and our lives.

Fairben

His--his spirit, his enthusiasm, uh, his drive, I--I think, is somewhat in me, kind of spurring me on, uh, to keep it going.

Shear

We restore our own capacity for moving forward in our own lives. I dread the day that they're gonna say, "You're too old now. You can't."

Siren

Shear

It's gonna happen. I'm 70 years old. How long do you think they're gonna let me drive this apparatus? But it keeps me going.

Siren

Shear

Lazinger

I'm really fortunate to have this space and to be able to kind of create this little sanctuary for myself. It's difficult for me to get out of the house often, either anxiety or whatever. So feeling like I can still escape while being here if I do need to kind of stay put is a really nice thing to be able to do. I was always interested in art and took painting class-- or drawing, painting, whatever, art classes in school, and then 9/11 happened.

There was no creativity happening during those years after. That was just those trying-to-stay-alive years. The same time, I was starting to take pictures of myself during peak moments of actually feeling, going through whatever I was going through then. And I couldn't quite wrap my head around what I was feeling or how to articulate it.

It was like drawing or painting them is still like trying to really understand what that emotion was or how I can explain it. I think I can explain it best by painting it. I'm really in-- starting to be invested in this idea of actually being an artist, which I still sort of giggle at when I say it out loud, but I'm still struggling with nightmares and sleeping problems and a few days a week being like not human. And I feel like I'm a work in progress, too, just like these paintings.

Airplane descending

Collen

When I landed, I purposely kept the shade shut. You know, I didn't want to see the strip from the air.

Indistinct P.A. announcement

Collen

And then when I was walking out of the--the airplane, um, and I first entered the terminal, I realized that it was exact same terminal as when I left. You know, that's when I said that, "OK, now, like, you know, this journey's beginning."

Maurer

I don't think I was ever, ever gonna go there ever again. I worked on it a lot before we went, in therapy, because I didn't know what to expect.

Collen

Even entering this hotel, there was a lot of, OK, safety aspects I had to look into. One of those things where I need to know at least two exits. I need to know the best way out. I need to know, you know, just how I can get out if something like that was gonna happen again.

There was two things that were left here

when I first left

trust. You know, I trusted the venue was safe. I trusted everything, you know, surrounding me was safe. The second part was the safety aspect.

I thought I was safe, and that was completely stripped away.

Etkin

So much of PTSD is a broken narrative. It's the "I was safe and everything was fine" and then the trauma happened and now there's me, which is the PTSD me.

Sirens

Maurer

With these traumas, something that's hard to find is safety.

Collen

Yeah, let's go to the park.

Maurer

It's very hard to trust new people. So it was--it was emotional for me to see her be so close to Heidi and want to take Heidi's hand

through there. Collen

Let's go over here.

Collen

Um, you know, Hayden really wanted to hold my hand. Um, and to me, it was almost like she needed me and I needed her. You know, I need someone to kind of hold on to.

Maurer

Honestly, I was-- I was overwhelmed being at the Garden for all of us to come together 3 years later to walk into the Healing Garden. When you think about it, 58-- it's a large number. But when you're walking through that Healing Garden and there's individual stands of pictures and people leaving messages and you can really feel all of--you look at these people's faces and you can feel all--all of the pain and hurt that was left. I think about her being there, so she was there but she was in my stomach.

So to walk through the Healing Garden and experience it with Hayden-- she's running around. She's--her feet are in the grass, she's playing, and she's a pretty emotional kid. I think she feels the Healing Garden. I think she feels the power that's there.

So it was a huge step for me to come back here and process that moment. But to have Hayden with me processing it I think was a huge step in my healing.

Etkin

Going to a memorial or a site where something happened, that can build the sense of control that people need to be able to put their lives back together as a narrative.

Talking indistinctly

Maurer

It was hard, honestly, to place the rock. It was hard to put it down. It's just really emotional. It's really overwhelming to see it.

It's sad, but placing my rock there felt...comforting. For me, it was important to put it there because I... I feel like I'm-- now I'm leaving a little bit of my support system there for everyone else when they come to look there. Now my rock will be there and hopefully--for me, hopefully, it makes them smile or gives them a little bit of a comforting feeling.

That's--that's what I was hoping for by placing my rock.

Collen

I am proud of myself. I never ever thought I would come back. You know, I think showing myself that I can do it, you know, I can do hard things and, you know, if there's times where I think like, there's just no way that, you know, going forward I can look back and say, "You know, I went back to a place that changed my life forever."

Etkin

The moment you can put all of these pieces into context that starts you bringing you back your narrative of, "You know what, this happened. "It's incredibly unfortunate. "Nobody should have had to go through it. I went through it, and now I'm OK."

Maurer

I think this is--was a huge healing process for me because I think as a parent, I'm realizing that it's OK to venture out and she's gonna be OK. But I am looking forward to having the conversation of getting through the traumatic part and explaining to her all of the good things that we did from it, how far we came from it. Whatever happens to her, she can do anything if she just works for it. So, I think I'm leaving a lot of fear, pain, and heartache here and taking joy, happiness, and healing with me.

Sea gulls crying

Delaney

I grew up on the water, so I guess the--the water provides me with a sense of calm. This is a place where I can take my mask off. There's nobody around. I'm here by myself.

So I don't have to have any one of my masks on. Obviously, always in the back of all of our minds is the risk of developing life-threatening health issues. I pray that I will always have a healthy, happy, long, loving life to spend with my children and others that I cherish and love... and that's all I'm asking for.

Sea gulls crying

Delaney

Horn honking

Montgomery

And what I do is, when I go into schools, when I'm on college campuses, when I host my own events, like our life event... It just simply means... and people come from all over the world and I share my story... Today is today only.

when you hear me-- and of all ages, all walks of life, ethnicities-- they're part of that 1 in 6 men that are sexually abused. And then you talk to 'em one-on-one and they break down and they crying, like, "Man, yeah, my uncle. He touched me." "My cousin. Yeah." Or you get the nod.

So we learn not to talk about it. And when they understand that their strength is in their voice not in their silence, what helps them is when they know they are not alone. And what I encourage men to do is to do the same thing that I did--start with writing it down and sharing it with one person. And for so many men, just writing it down, for most of them, it brought so much release.

Sniffs

Montgomery

The suffering of this world. My world is not to be compared to the glory that shall be revealed by shattering those masks.

Maurer

Tag. You're it! So, Give An Hour is the organization that puts on the support group that I attended, and that was my first introduction into the program and they offered us so much support and so many resources.

Christine Maurer

She started with Give An Hour, and the healing really started.

Etkin

One of the surest signs of somebody recovering from their PTSD and mastering their trauma is when they get to the point where they realize, "You know, I had a hard time asking for help. "I had a hard time even realizing "what I was experiencing, "and now I want to help others go through that more successfully." It was my turn to offer support, and it was my turn to help in any way I could. So I just looked up their website and signed up to be a volunteer and do anything I could to help the organization just as a payback to me. Selfishly, I did the peer support because I was hitting a wall in my own healing, and I wanted to be more involved in my own healing process.

And in order to do that, I needed to get more involved in other people's healing process. Where once you felt mastery, once, you've been able to recover, you know what that's like. It's almost a gift you want to give to somebody else who doesn't even at that point know to ask for help.

Christine Maurer

Since she's been helping others, I've seen a big change in her. It's like she went through it for something, that she's unique. In some ways, she can reach people because of her experience.

Lee

I actually see a future now... whereas before I saw nothing. It was bleak. Building a life, building friendships, building a family.

I long for that now, and I look forward to those things because I see the possibility. I can actually visualize it. I have hope--cautious, cautiously optimistic, but I do have hope.

Woman

And...we'll all be on our feet again, and all the growth will come back in. Uh, this fire, the ashes, we all have a lot to look forward to.

Bird screeches

Woman

Spencer the Gardener

Hope is a waiting game Hope is a waiting game Filled with a thousand hands Hope is a million flames, uh-huh Hope is constant shame Hope is a waiting game Hope is a waiting game This world is sad and beautiful These tears fall as they believe in you This world is sad and beautiful

Spencer and chorus

Ahh Hope is a waiting game Hope is a waiting game Keeper of the flame, hope is a waiting game Keeper of the flame Hope is a waiting game Keeper of the faith Hope is a waiting game Keeper of the flame Hope is a waiting game Keeper of the faith...