To Be of Service

So just imagine me in a shower right now, okay?

I've been stupid, I've accidentally left my leg in the other room.

Wait, go get.

Green, get it.

That's it, bring, bring, bring!

Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring!

Bring it!

Oh, yes!

Such a good girl!

Such a good girl.

It was October 31st, 2004.

I got orders they were going to fly me for four days to Qatar going on R&R.

That morning, I paused for about 30 seconds deciding which helicopter I wanted to get onto.

I started to get onto one.

Everything in my head told me no.

I still got on.

(helicopter humming) We get loaded up onto the helicopter, take off.

We are flying at about 200 feet, I believe.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, metal on metal contact, big giant boom.

Black smoke, I can feel the explosion on the side of my face.

I can feel the person that sat beside me grab my arm with two hands like I was supposed to save her.

We went into such a hellacious spin, we just screwed into the ground.

I evaluated my situation, my feet are trapped underneath the rough housing.

I go to take my Kevlar off and set it beside me, and I set it on that poor girl's chest.

And I flipped out.

It wasn't my first time dealing with unresponsive eyes in the desert.

But it's the one that haunts my dreams.

There's no reason why I should've lived and she should've died.

It wasn't because I was a better soldier.

It wasn't because I was better prepared.

It wasn't because I was any harder or any stronger.

I just got ******* lucky.

(insect buzzing) I am literally in a crater surrounded by helicopter.

And then a fire breaks out.

(whooshing) You can start to feel the pain of the flames licking at your legs.

Once the left boot melted off...

I coyote-pulled the foot out from underneath the wreckage.

There was a time period where it feels like I sort of separated from my brain.

And then I slipped into a Lord's Prayer.

(whispered prayer) There was nothing I could do but be amazingly awake and coherent while being on fire.

(prayer continues) I am sure my screaming is probably burnt into somebody's head causing them nightmares.

PTSD has this amazing ability.

You can feed into it by the way you think.

All of these things that I'm saying are still things that go on in my life daily.

The thing is, the difference is how I react to it.

What I allow to affect me... ...and what I've been able to change the picture on.

(beeping) I haven't had a relationship like this with another being since I was in the military.

These new feelings came because of him, this new relief came because of him.

Let's go!

You're the man!

This is an emotional relationship but at a very different level.

Mine, mine, mine...

It's unconditional.

He'll do anything for me, and I'll do anything for him.

(airplane humming) (spraying) I was in a lot of pain.

Then I have issues with particular feelings like sadness, anger, fear, joy, and misery.

A lot of loss.

I'm basically homebound.

Very isolated.

When the depression comes, I have no choice.

I curl up and my skin starts crawling.

I can't sleep and I have hallucinations.

Flashbacks and nightmares.

Back and forth, back and forth.

It's a never-ending cycle.

The worst thing about PTSD is the loneliness.

It's not being able to relate to someone, not being able to talk to someone, not being able to reach out to something or anything.

Well, I get asked where this started, who discovered it.

I didn't discover it!

Homer discovered it!

Going back to the very first war poem we had, the Epic of Gilgamesh, which states that over 4,000 years ago, we hear what we call post-traumatic stress disorder in that poem.

It's in the Bible.

Kings David and Saul had post-traumatic stress disorder.

If we read those stories carefully and correctly, we hear all the symptoms back then that we hear today.

Rages, flashbacks, nightmares, turning against friends, turning against family members, sexual abuse, substance abuse.

The Lakota people called this wound "(Lakota word)," which means, "the spirits left."

The spirits left.

Most people have heard of shell shock from World War I, combat fatigue from World War II.

Those were earlier names for the same condition.

In our Civil War, they called it the Soldier's Heart, which really had to do with their ideas that the gases that were exploding caused microlesions in the heart.

Warriors tend to like the name Soldier's Heart better than post-traumatic stress disorder for their wound.

They say, "I do have a soldier's heart.

A soldier's heart is a broken heart."

I will carry memories of pain, of loss, of despair, of hardship for my entire life, but I can learn to carry it as my story.

(crickets chirping) I was living with my mother in Salinas, and I didn't want to live with my mother in Salinas anymore.

So I went to visit the Marine-- the Marine recruiter, and he says, "Do this pull-up."

And I said, "Okay," and he said, "Any time," and I said, "I'm doing the best I can."

And he says, "Well, you're not moving," and I said, "But I'm doing the best I can."

And he invited me to go visit the Army recruiter.

So I went to the Army recruiter and they found my desire to be a writer, to be a broadcast journalist and carrying a video camera along with my M16.

It's a big wake-up call to actually experience being in a war zone.

Nothing can prepare you for that first rocket... (imitating rocket whooshing) ...over your head.

And then one-one thousand, two-one thousand.

Pop!

It sounds like God has a paper bag and He's gone, pop!

It doesn't sound like the ever-so-pleasing boom that you hear on TV.

(imitating artillery shell whistle and explosions) You know that something's destroyed, someone's dead, and all the good things you were trying to do, you couldn't really see how they were doing good.

Driving through Baghdad and smelling this horrible smell.

And you're like, "What is that horrible smell?"

It's dead bodies rotting on the streets.

And it's the morgue, because the electricity's off again.

That horrible smell, that horrible smell had birthdays and friends and parents.

And now it's just a horrible smell.

And translators that helped you, you learn about them, that they were going home one night and somebody killed them.

For the crime of being with us.

And that's what happens in war.

People just cease to be.

They cease to be and there's nothing left.

When you go through things in the military, it makes you vigilant, it makes you pay attention to everything.

Everything.

One day I was at work and I loved this coworker, he's a great man, but I was focused on the computer and he came up behind me.

I truthfully wanted to hurt him.

But I had Boothe.

And instead of hurting him, I had my dog.

Feeling like you're broken to where I'm not gonna be able to put the pieces back together, and it feels like no one will ever understand what I'm going through or what I've been through.

Whatever he experienced, he brought it home.

My brother, he would call me No Emotions, and he made fun of it and it's only because he doesn't know why I have no emotions, why I'm not laughing.

He would make a joke about, "Here's Brandon.

Uh, no--nothing.

Just standing there, sitting there, ha-ha."

This is actually an innocence lost.

This is things that I aspire to be able to do again one day.

You know, at this point, these things are... ...might be mundane to some, might be just part of regular life to have an everyday job, but for me they are wrought with pain and fear.

This is level of stress out of 100.

Going to a Yankee game or a Ranger game is at 90.

I used to go to a lot of games.

I would go, on the average, to about 20 Yankees games and about 10 Rangers games a year, and I haven't been to any since I've come back.

Those are at 90.

Sitting in the stadium or in an arena, yeah.

This beach thing goes in different stages.

When I did come home, I did it on a daily basis.

I was fine all over the beach.

There's a dune that has this tall grass.

I used to always go up on the dune and drink and then walk all over the beach no problem, you know?

But once I got sober, this whole issue came up.

I came here when I got sober and I just froze.

I was just stuck.

I couldn't get nowhere near the dune, nowhere near the boardwalk.

Going out there was just like this huge open area.

Being exposed, being in danger of being shot.

Might as well have been walking around with a big target on my back.

All of this is just to keep the monster at bay.

All this stuff is just things that help you.

I had to learn how to live with the monster of PTSD.

You're not gonna get it in a cage.

You're not gonna tame it.

If you don't know how to live with it, when it shows up, it's gonna destroy you.

I would mostly describe it as being under a lake of ice... ...and you're in that freezing water... ...and you sit there and hit on it and hit on it, but you can't break through the ice.

And what's worse is you see your family on the other side of that ice.

And you can scream as loud as you want to, but nobody hears you.

Just don't walk in any snow or puddles or anything or else you're gonna have wet feet all day.

I have to get Duke ready.

I hate... You probably don't like stairs.

No, I hate stairs.

Taking her to school, I can't even go through the door without at least 20-30 minutes of just willing myself to do it.

I can't even go out of my house without being so scared of my own shadow.

So it's not gym.

I don't know why Cruz does that.

When boys pick on girls at this age, they mean they like 'em.

You know that, right?

-Yeah.

-So I think Cruz... (children screaming) -Pick you up later?

-Not a problem.

Good job.

I love you, baby.

My uniform is a little dusty.

It hasn't been worn in a little while.

My Cavalryman badge to signify that I was a cavalryman, the Crossed Sabers.

I leave the uniform out as a symbol of what I used to be.

Um... ...the warrior that I used to be.

(video game noises) I--I have no friends.

Most of the time, I ignore my family.

And I use video games to escape this world.

The other parents, they give me that glance of judgment.

I can always see it, that look that they give you.

(school bell ringing) It's like every time I go, everyone's staring at me, but nobody is, really.

Come on, come on.

I stay as far as I can away from everyone.

I'm always easy to pick out, because I'm the one singled out away from the crowd.

I can't have anyone behind me.

Daddy, this day cannot get any worse!

I spilled paper--I spilled... (indistinct speech) Bye, Elona, have a good night!

See you in the morning!

Elona is... ...the stone that I have to stand on.

She is my strength when I don't have it.

She's--she's protected me a long time.

She's kept me from suicide for I don't know how many different times.

I mean, she would walk in and it would save me, and I would think of her, and it would...

I'd reconsider my choice and I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for Elona.

How's it feel being a rock, Elona?

(giggling nervously) Tell.

Don't know.

It's okay.

(sniffling) Don't worry, baby.

Daddy's not going anywhere.

Grew up in Poland, family was everything.

My grandfather was in the Polish Army during World War II.

I used to love sitting in the wintertime by his fireplace and just listening to his stories.

When we came here, he was 14 years old.

Full alcoholic by the age of 14, 15.

Got into cocaine at 16.

The guys I was running around with selling, doing.

I was just extortion, and picking up money, money laundering.

A lot of felonies, a lot of gun charges and really pretty bad.

Greg was never married.

He was in a relationship.

From this relationship, he has wonderful daughter, Jamie.

When I was very, very young, we lived at the Puck Building Downtown.

Back then, he was definitely more lighthearted.

He was the person that just wants to make everyone in the room laugh.

Well, that was basically the lifestyle that I led up until 9/11.

When 9/11 happened, it was like a light bulb went off.

And I knew at that point, this is what I gotta do.

I gotta go and serve my country.

Once he gets in his mind to do something, he is determined.

He decided to enlist and it changed the trajectory of his life.

(birds chirping) (indistinct conversation) My experience with PTSD was pretty limited.

Look at those two palm trees just sticking out.

March 2007, I met up with Sylvia for dinner.

She'd had more to drink than I was used to seeing, and just didn't seem nearly as focused.

And then the next time I saw her after that was a week later when she was in the VA hospital in Washington, D.C., locked up behind bars.

She told me that she just became overwhelmed and felt that she needed to go to the hospital or she'd hurt herself.

John, who was still my friend at the time, not my husband yet... ...he helped me get into a treatment program.

They decided I was bipolar.

So they gave me lots of drugs, and my symptoms got worse.

And then they got worse and I got more drugs.

It lasted five years.

And I went to Stanford Medical Center.

The doctors there said, "No, no, you're not bipolar."

"We need to get you off the pills."

And it took a year to get off the meds completely.

When the meds wore off, I'm frightened again.

I'm not numb.

I have to figure out how to live again.

I went to my VA and I said, "I've gotta do something, gotta do something, gotta do something," and they said, "Well, how about a dog?"

I'm like, "Okay, all right, let's do that.

All right, all right."

Getting my dog, getting my Timothy, it was second only to my child.

We went to get him, and he just kinda walked out and went, "Oh, hello!"

I slowly re-established myself in the land of living people, and it was totally through his help.

Timothy Hi, darling sweetheart!

Darling sweetheart!

Just a minute, just a minute!

Oh, I know, you know where we are!

Out, out.

Sit!

Good boy!

Oh, look at you!

Hi!

I love when you guys come back for refreshers, because I love both of you.

And he gets so excited, 'cause he knows he's gonna get a ton of food, right?

He's like, "Yes, we're back at the ranch!"

We could do like a nose touch on the leg -instead of an alert.

-Okay.

So then you would know, like, this is specifically -for when I'm disassociating.

-Okay.

And the other times is when he's alerting to panic, stress, or just a behavior.

Alert now.

Good alert.

If you're doing it as a behavior... -Yeah, it's my behavior.

-...a nervous thing, -he's gonna keep doing it.

-Good boy!

I still have my days where I'm just frightened all day.

But he's with me, that's the difference.

Timothy, Timothy Having an animal that loves you because you are you, it's a start.

Timothy When he got home from Iraq, he seemed a little weather-beaten, happy to see me.

I suppose I could see a little change in him, but it didn't become apparent until later.

It slowly built up and built up and built up until it finally exploded and then I was lost.

When I first got back from Iraq, I drank a lot.

I drank a whole bottle of Hennessy every day.

It's a culture shock coming back.

When I got back from war, my family, my friends, my child expected me to be this person that could handle things.

And when I came back, I was this person that could handle nothing.

When I came home from Vietnam... ...it wasn't what I expected it would be.

Little did I know that when we came home people would be treating us so bad.

We were called baby killers.

We couldn't walk down the streets without someone saying something horrible to us.

So I didn't--I didn't wear my uniform anymore, I didn't wear a hat no more.

I came into my loft drunk, fell asleep, and the building where I have the loft is very old, and in the middle of the night, the steam comes and the pipes start banging and it sounds like mortars going off and woke me and I started looking for my weapon and for my body armor and I went crazy.

I didn't know what happened.

I went nuts, so I started going through the building and then I found my doorman, and he was--instead of being on duty, he was asleep on his little perch in the lobby, and I beat him.

I thought he took my weapon.

And then I cut him.

That was my first night back home from combat after 11 months.

I've done some pretty terrible things in front of my family.

I've been handcuffed and brought to the hospital for a psych eval three times.

Had to take knives away from him, 'cause he used to cut himself on his moments.

It was the Army mental health hospital where I first went, and the reason I went is because...

It was when Elona was still a baby, like a baby baby, and she was crying and I got mad, so I ended up smacking her too hard.

And the second I did that, every memory of me being abused by my stepfather just rushed in, and that's all I could see.

I became my stepfather and I did not want that.

Did not want that, especially for Elona.

She does not deserve that.

I hit her so hard that I woke up my wife.

She said I needed to get help or she was going to leave me.

I went to therapy the next day, and it helped a little.

My psychiatrist over at the VA recommended a service dog.

Now I am going to K9s For Warriors and I will be honored with a service dog.

Duke, come here, buddy.

This is Duke, and we've had him since he was-- since he was two months?

My biggest concern was bringing my new battle buddy from K9s For Warriors is if they get along, 'cause I don't want to get rid of Duke.

I don't.

He's a part of the family.

If they don't get along, we're gonna have to get rid of him.

(laughing) And, yeah, and I don't want to.

So what are we having tonight?

I have no idea.

Oh.

Should we have leftover basghetti again?

No, I might have to cook you guys something.

And the big thing is I take 31-plus pills a day.

I wanna help with dinner, though!

It makes me feel zombified.

Maybe he can be a strength that I don't have and be that rock to lean on so I don't need a medication.

Are you okay?

Don't burn yourself!

I made a mistake in the very beginning that I thought that I could do it by myself.

Until I finally decided that I need help from the Veterans Administration.

(brakes screeching) I travel to the Veterans Administration Hospital twice a week.

I made appointments.

They called me, I came back.

I know sometimes it's hard to trust the VA system.

I'm fortunate enough that I've had these doctors and they've all been amazing and they really, really care.

My experience with the VA is... ...horrible in a lot of ways.

When I raised my right hand, I was promised that, "If we break you, we will fix you."

That's what I counted on when I went to the VA, that they would fix me.

Their answer is give you medication.

Medication takes care of everything.

Because PTSD is in the medical dictionary and in the medical facilities, doctors give drugs.

Doctors and nurses and I do, too.

Somebody has nightmares and I know there's a medication that helps most people with nightmares, I'll talk it over with them and I'll give it.

But in the VA system, there has been overmedication of some.

And I've served as an expert witness against the VA in situations where I saw illogical, I would say illegal overmedication.

When I was in the VA, I saw one of the bulletin boards, "service dogs for veterans with PTSD."

I spoke to my doctor the next day.

She said, "Absolutely."

I would be a perfect candidate because I would need a prescription.

And I was like, "A prescription for a service dog?

Are you kidding me?"

So she wrote me a prescription.

I wanted to do it, so I decided to do it and I signed up.

When he comes here, this is not going to be my fort.

This is gonna be a home for both of us.

Give me your hand, good.

Give me a kiss.

Good boy!

We go to Paws For Vets and we all tell about our day, tell about our month.

They don't just give you a dog, they help you heal.

I was drafted in 1966 to go to Vietnam and I've been home for 46 years without any help.

I couldn't handle sharp noises, fire alarms, thunder and lightning.

And after I got this dog, we went to a movie for the first time in 20 years, and it was such a wonderful feeling.

I had no idea what this dog was gonna be able to do for me, but he has changed my life completely around.

Now I'm trying to live my life and I'm enjoying my life again.

Okay, Brandon.

Your turn.

I love your story.

I think about it a lot.

I've heard you speak before, and I couldn't imagine what you went through for 40 years.

I was in the Marine Corps about 12 years.

While I was there, I had a traumatic brain injury.

So I took medication, and I didn't want to be a zombie, so I decided, you know what?

There has to be something else or I'm just broken.

So I talked to my wife and I looked online.

I saw Paws For Vets.

Once they accepted me, they said I had to do a bump.

I'd never heard of a bump, didn't know what that meant.

The bump is when you go to where the dogs are being trained by inmates.

I saw the inmates speak and I saw the veterans speak, so it made me decide, "I can do this."

It was time.

It was time for me to change.

And I spoke to 'em, I told 'em everything.

And I'd never told anyone anything.

My wife didn't even know.

Some of the things that he shared... ...was when he was in Iraq and he had to go and... ...clean up some of the body parts of Marines who committed suicide.

Then I got to sit by myself on stage where they bring the dogs to you.

None of the dogs took to me at all.

I called every dog.

Then I called Boothe.

Boothe looked up, I looked at him, and he ran to me.

And that's when everything started to get a lot better.

Part of being a combat vet is being part of a combat unit, and the unit is tight.

You love your brothers so much that you will do the stupidest stuff in the world for them.

You're 19 years old, and you've got all these guys with you, it's huge-- I mean, talk about gangs.

These guys are the best gang you'll ever find anywhere!

They're all incredibly well-trained and you're all together.

You have a purpose, you have meaning!

It's forged, it's earned.

I didn't feel as strong about my family as I felt about your brothers.

You can depend on each other.

They create a bond with you that's so strong that they would take a bullet for you, they would jump on the grenade next to you.

If a grenade landed between five of us, we'd be pushing each other out of the way to jump on the grenade.

Wait.

He told me about getting a service dog, and I didn't understand, really, what service dogs do.

She is the same to me as a prosthetic leg is to an amputee.

A lot of people think that, "Oh, I can just train a dog, give it to you, and it's a service dog."

Well, it's a well-trained dog, but it's, in my humble opinion, not a service dog unless you've been trained how to use it.

Watch me.

Left.

Left.

Good boy, good boy.

Greg has been with us since Wednesday.

We assigned his dog to him today, it's Val.

(indistinct speech) Are you happy?

Are you happy?

He'll spend the next 10 days with us.

Go around.

Don't talk to each other.

Let's go!

Let's go.

He says, "Left," he gives a treat.

All of a sudden, the dog's waiting for that word "left" to happen.

Left.

Left.

Wait.

Go through.

Front, front.

Val, front.

Back, back, back, back, back, heel!

Yes!

How do I know how the dog is feeling?

I watch the dog's tail.

So if the dog's tail is moving nice and loose and relaxed, then he is loose and relaxed.

Good boy.

You a good boy?

Since Greg has been here, he has not been sleeping well.

He doesn't ever sleep well.

So I wanna know, how do you do now when you have the dog with you?

We'll make it work tonight, all right?

There was a point in time where I'd have bad dreams.

The damn dog would sleep with me, and the dog would wake me up in the middle of the night aggravating me a little bit.

I'm like, why are you wak-- I'm like, "Stop, stop, stop."

And the dog would wake me up by just pushing my face -and licking me.

-Many veterans report that if they're having a nightmare, the dog will climb into bed with them and sleep next to them or even lie on top of them, lie on their heart and soothe them and keep those bad spirits away.

Getting the dog, doing the boot camp, I learned more about myself and my own anger issues than I did in the eight years of therapy I'd had up to it before.

Me and Champ are probably around 40 good, solid commands.

We teach the dog to stand and brace.

So he'll lock up.

He'll push off the dog and help him stand up.

You're so helpful!

Patrol a house, so we can teach a dog to go room to room to room, come back to their owner and sit and say everything's okay.

Our dogs cover and watch our backs, let us know if somebody is approaching from behind us.

Middle, if you're in a small confined area, let's just say an airplane aisle, you tell your dog, "Middle," and they stand between your legs.

Bring the ball up a bit.

And they'll walk right with you.

Alert.

Alerting to a medical condition that the person has.

One of our guys would tap his foot, not even knowing it, and just starts tapping.

So we teach the dog to trigger on that.

When I start getting anxious, I'll start picking at my fingers to the point where they're bleeding and sore.

That was good, all right, let's see an interrupt.

Yes, good girl.

Yours is very subtle.

That's really excellent that she pays attention that well.

(chimes tinkling) We want you talking while you're walking so that when we go do the test, they're still amped up a little bit.

Any questions?

Two laps.

Dog day came.

I was so nervous.

What if I got a dog that I can't connect with?

What happens then?

Block.

But they brought out Mako.

You're perfect, yes, you are.

And when I saw him and he saw me, the tail wagging.

He gave me love bites all over my face.

The service dogs do have an impressive list of commands that they can do, but the bond and the relationship trumps the commands.

It's that bond.

Many of the men and women, their wife or mother will be standing there just crying, just saying, "I haven't seen him act like that since he's been home."

I think we had an instant connection.

And I see it in almost every veteran that comes through here.

Oh, my God, I love this little fur rocket.

There's nothing else like it.

I've tried medicine, I've tried group.

I've tried meditation, yoga.

Nothing has really had the effect that this guy has.

In my particular case, my first service dog... ...she was like the universe coming back.

All right, come on!

When a warrior makes a dog his or her companion, then they're no longer alone.

I'm by your side, I am fiercely loyal to you, I will never leave you.

I'm feeling tears.

Because what I'm realizing right now-- I hadn't made this conscious before-- but dogs emotionally and intuitively and spiritually take a similar soldier's vow to their partners, to their human owners, as soldiers take to each other.

I will protect you, I will preserve you, I will give my life for you, I will never leave your side, I will never leave my fallen owner behind.

(applause) I must always be considerate of my dog's emotional needs.

No matter how bad I feel, I'll always be kind and grateful for him and to him.

When all else fails, hug the dogs like you've never done before, because your health depends on it and his does too.

(applause) Thank you.

(door closes) Good boy.

Hope you like stairs.

Come this way, this is the entrance.

Wait.

So, welcome home.

Now we're gonna do steps.

Step, step, step, step, step, step, step.

Easy, nice and easy, don't lead me.

I lead you, buddy, right?

You're gonna wait for me.

Valor!

Are you gonna help with the dishes?

This is for you, a dog biscuit!

While we were in training, I wanted to get you a surprise, so I got a whole bunch of stuff ordered for us.

Wow, I think you want to see this, buddy.

This is primo.

This is your grooming kit.

So we've got your straight scissors, your shearing scissors, your curved scissors, and your comb.

This is two sizes of these cool water bowls that are collapsible.

So, this is your monkey fist.

(laughs) You're gonna enjoy your monkey fist, you're gonna enjoy your monkey fist.

Pull!

Pull!

You stay.

So look what I got you.

No more sharing with your brothers and cousins.

It'll be great.

Here's your water.

I just changed the filter.

The kind of-- the hair's kind of...

I'm not gonna be roaming these halls, empty any longer, I have something else to account for.

He's my battle buddy.

I'm gonna finally have a life worth living.

This thing removes the hairs.

Step, step, step, step.

This is now a routine every morning.

We say good morning in my place.

You got a visitor.

-Don't get used to it.

-Hello, bye!

I think he doesn't like me kissing him anymore.

I ran out of my limit with him, I over-kissed him.

Yeah, I like him already, so.

I hope so.

And there was a little trick question on the final test.

The question was, "True or false, the bond between the handler and the dog will get stronger when they go home."

We all put true, that the bond will get stronger, and the answer was false, that the bond will deteriorate, it will not get stronger, it will get worse, because it's the new environment, he gets distracted.

But once it goes back, it's gonna grow stronger.

I know it's not gonna be easy, but you're not there long, and I just want to see you happy.

Thank you, and... ...it wouldn't be possible without all the help from you, especially motivation and inspiration and the love, and... ...you were the only one there when things were worst-- at the worst, at the worst, at the worst, and... I love you so much.

-I love you too.

-Yeah.

Pew, pew, pew, pew!

(exclaims) There's Daddy, right there.

Daddy!

Seeing them when I walked down the escalator, I was the happiest guy alive.

-Welcome home, sir.

-Hey, brother, welcome home.

Welcome home, brother.

Hi, honey.

He's a beautiful dog.

Make friends.

(laughing) Make friends.

Hi!

Oh, good boy.

Good boy-- oh, he nibbles.

Hey, brother, thanks for your service.

Thank you, guys.

Daddy, I missed you!

I missed you, Bluebonnet.

I've been working on this research for the past 10 years, and we've learned a lot.

For the first time, we're documenting in a rigorous, scientific way how these dogs can actually change the lives of the veterans.

What we've found is that for the veterans with the dog, they had clinically lower levels of PTSD symptomology.

They had lower depression, lower anxiety, increased quality of life, increased ability to participate socially outside of the house.

The most science-y explanation is that, um, when you look at your dog, it will release oxytocin in your brain.

I seriously do feel like I felt almost a chemical reaction when I first interacted with him, when he did that nudge on me.

They smell the chemical changes within your body naturally.

They know before you know that something's getting ready to happen to you.

We do see that veterans who have a service dog have lower rates of medication use for things like depression and anxiety.

Also, some of the sleep medications for nightmares are reduced once they have the service dog.

I'm probably gonna be on some level of therapy for the rest of my life.

And my doctors love the fact that I have a dog, and how it's so much easier to cut back on medications because you have something to focus on.

It's by me to work out hard.

When you have TBI or PTSD and having a service animal, it is a good distraction.

All I can focus on is walking around with him.

But I notice that my brain would not let me have the feelings that I wanted, and I didn't just attribute that to having PTSD but also the TBI.

What can cause a TBI in war is an IED blast hitting a vehicle.

Having migraines depends on how hard your brain moved in your head, it's how it's gonna affect you for the rest of your life.

His short-term memory, he forgets everything and he just has to deal with that.

And I have to learn how to cope with that every day.

(indistinct remarks) He didn't choose for this to happen to him.

One thing, having Boothe, it went from three to four migraines a week... Down.

...to maybe one a month.

Without Boothe, I was just there.

I didn't feel anything.

Boothe, come!

Having Boothe, I don't have to worry about stressing all day, every day.

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

Uh-uh!

Sometimes, you just need somebody to listen to you.

You don't always want to have a conversation with someone.

Anybody who's had a service dog, they'll understand that connection.

Stay.

Wait.

Let's go.

Val, turn around.

Turn around, turn around.

Sit.

Good boy.

The transition in the very beginning, when you bring the dog home, your life's upside down, it's a 180.

My life is not my own anymore, it doesn't revolve around me.

You're getting a dog?

You're gonna play fetch.

That's what we think about a dog, right?

But the thing about it is, this is not a pet.

This is a service dog, it has a purpose.

This dog has a training schedule.

It was a lot of responsibility.

I was overwhelmed, really overwhelmed at the very beginning.

And I started taking him out an hour later here and there, my mom started pointing it out to me already, I started kind of already being a little sure, like, I had to force myself to do things.

I was so afraid of Mako meeting Duke.

Duke is extremely territorial.

I don't know how he's going to react with another dog coming into our lives.

(barking, snarling) -No.

-Can you keep him restrained?

Duke!

Settle down, settle down.

-Duke... -Be nice.

It didn't go as smoothly as I wanted it to.

It's okay, buddy.

Duke... be nice, settle down.

Mako... Uh-uh.

Maybe we should go walk a little bit.

Okay, well, we can do that.

Mako... come here.

Hopefully, a walk together will, uh, get 'em used to each other.

If he doesn't get used to it, we're gonna have to get rid of him.

I don't want to get rid of him.

I'd be really sad.

Tail's wagging, so that's a good sign.

I heard no growling.

And there's no growling.

The biggest test is gonna be in the house.

(dogs whining) They're just both wound up.

Hopefully, they'll bond and become good friends.

Stay.

People...people do some awful things to each other over there.

I have seen pictures that I wish I could unsee.

You hear about people having their backs ironed and having their hands attached to their heads, you know, and then pushed into the Tigris River, still basically alive.

You suddenly realize that evil does exist, and an evil that is far and above what I had ever realized.

This was a moral wound.

This was-- this was devastating, this was something that, it shocked me to the core.

I didn't believe I was part of this human race.

The insurgency was not Iraqi, they were coming in from all over-- Yemen, Afghanistan, Syria, waging jihad.

And it was just beheadings and guttings, and I was...

...I was shaken.

Raping my interpreters' sisters and beheading them and everything else, I had a problem with, and gutting them and leaving them in the house to rot, and walking in on that, and shielding my men from seeing that.

That, I had a problem with.

I was a father, I was a father of a daughter, and when, you know, when you walk in on a nine-year-old and an eleven-year-old that were gang raped and gutted, and the mother was beheaded and gutted and raped, and the father and the son, father and son were, you know, tortured and burned, and... it was just an awful scene, and, uh, it was something that... ...it wasn't combat.

It wasn't combat.

It wasn't--I don't know what it was, it wasn't combat.

(seagull crying) Suicide attempt, it was five years ago.

It was end of August five years ago.

Greg was in so much pain.

I saw this pain on his face, in his eyes.

I was not comfortable with that pain any longer.

That morning, I just opened up a bottle of 80 milligram OxyContin that I had.

I had a couple bottles of this Polish 193-proof grain alcohol... ...and I took about 50 pills about six in the morning, I started drinking that liter of that grain alcohol.

About nine o'clock in the morning, I waited till my doctors came into the office and I called them to tell them not to... ...take it personally, but they did all they could.

I went into a coma for 19 days.

At the time, it was kept from me, which I'm not very happy about, because I would have liked to know what was happening to my father.

There's another invisible injury... ...and if you're comfortable, tell me what it is and what you think about it, and it's moral injury.

Moral injury is a concept that I was introduced to about two or three years ago... ...that I'm still processing today.

It's part of the explanation for why you feel so much self-loathing and contempt for yourself... ...that it physically hurts.

When we're not given genuinely moral and just and utterly necessary missions and causes and use violence for any other purpose, we will feel shame and guilt from behaving immorally, and now, today, we're calling that moral injury.

Moral injury is when there's a disconnect between what you believe and what you hold sacred and what you are asked to do.

I thought I was doing one thing, and it turned out I was doing something completely different.

Sylvia Bowersox, US Army, served in Iraq.

(applause) Hello, everyone, thank you so much for being here.

Gimme a second to park the dog.

Down.

I wanted to help make the world free for democracy.

I wanted the world to be safer for my son.

I want it to be a better place.

It's called, "This War Can't Be All Bad."

This war can't be all bad.

We sit by the pool behind Saddam's presidential palace after work and smoke cigarettes.

I wanted my little piece, my little piece of the war, to be that little piece that worked with the other little piece that worked with the other little piece that actually made a difference.

And then, Iraq will live in your dreams and be the most exciting, horrible thing to ever take over your life.

It doesn't take much to realize that what I did didn't make things any better.

And that's so difficult to live with.

Then you will have the right to declare with a clear conscience...

The origin of Greek tragedy was warrior purification.

...under the eyes of the global war on terror... Aeschylus, Sophocles, and Euripides were all warriors.

They wrote the tragedies as public rituals...

This war can't be all bad.

...allowing catharsis of the stored-up emotions left over from the war experience.

The entire society could have a catharsis during the performance.

(lapping water) Hm.

Walking on the street--85.

Driving during the day--85.

Driving at night--85.

Beginning of the beach--80.

I'm not going to live 200 yards from an oceanside and not go to the beach.

Hell no.

The exercises that I've been doing with going to the beach, I decided to do a lot of 'em on my own, without Val, without the dog.

I was concerned with the fact that I have a setback or something and I'm not able to do them without Valor.

Whatever exercises I'm doing, I wanna do all of them on my own first and then bring the dog in, just to reinforce.

The way it's laid out is that my community ends with a sidewalk, and it's divided by a two-lane road, then there's another sidewalk.

So I started on the sidewalk on the side of the community, I did that for a few months.

Then I crossed over the street... ...and was on the side of the beach, on the sidewalk.

I recently finished that about a month ago.

Right at this time, I'm between the beach-side sidewalk and the boardwalk, in the middle on the sand.

Can't really see the beach yet over the boardwalk.

(engine drones) My psychologist, she asked me to take notes... ...to write down the thoughts, like being exposed, being vulnerable, being in danger or being shot.

She asked me a point-blank question: "This week, how many times did you do it this week?"

I said, "Every day of the week."

"Okay," she goes.

"How many times did you get shot?"

I said, "I didn't get shot any times."

So I said, "Seven days, I didn't get shot once."

"Do you think it's safe and probable to say that you probably don't have a target on your back?"

You know, it's something that you live with for a long time.

It doesn't happen overnight, it's a repetitious process.

I would deploy again if they would let me.

I would absolutely go and do my job again if they would let me.

I'd go back and do it all again, because it's made me who I am today.

I was able to lead Marines, you know?

And how many people get to say they were able to lead Marines?

The draw to come back for me was I was necessary in Iraq.

I was valuable.

I knew what I was doing.

I had a purpose.

I'd rather be in the war zone with my battle buddies, knowing my purpose, than be here, lost in America, in a country that's lost its values and its bearings.

Like, there is no feeling like it in the world.

You try to relate that, you know, relate a drug high from a crackhead or a methamphetamine user, there is no high like the high of combat with your brothers.

Would you rather go stock shelves in a grocery, rather than walk down the street of Baghdad with four or five other men who are all armed to the teeth?

Which would be most important to you as a 19-, 20-year-old?

I mean, there's no choice there.

I love being a Marine.

I would absolutely, regardless of, even though what happened happened, 100 percent, I would do it again.

I hate the way that it changed my life, that it's really been a struggle.

I struggle every day still, but I'd do it again, if I could help other people.

(whimpering) You know, yeah.

I think what you have to understand about guys like us that would do it all again is, we're not doing it for America, we're doing it for each other.

I came to Lubbock to be closer to my mom and my brother, my sisters.

They've noticed a big change with me having Boothe.

I want emotions.

I want to laugh, I want to be sad.

I wanna cry sometimes, you know?

You know, where's that one at?

I wanna cry.

There's times when I don't listen to Boothe when I should.

I'm not perfect.

There's times when I'm like, "Man, I don't need no dog."

I still have pride.

I've been a sergeant, I've been a leader.

I've had friends say, "Is he an emotional dog?

You okay?"

And then I have to let 'em know he's not just an emotional dog.

He's so much more.

I noticed that I can stay calmer, I can put all my feelings into the dog instead of putting my emotions into everything else.

Maybe Boothe just knows that something's not right.

And sometimes, I don't even know that something's not right, but I think Boothe knows.

I still pay attention to things.

I'm being very vigilant on things a lot.

I don't think that will ever go away.

But not as much.

My life has gotten a lot better.

Did you like the chili?

I smile more than I ever have before the military.

Major change has been the schedule, the daily routine and everything else.

It kinda flows with the schedule that I had in the military, my unit, and it's perfect for me.

Valor, wait.

I'm out walking him three, four times a day for half an hour.

Go through.

Go to the dog park.

Most of the time, I go for an hour and I wind up staying for two, two and a half hours.

Good boy!

Come on!

Get the ball, get the ball, get the ball, get the ball!

The dog park's divided into three major parts.

It has two smaller dog parks that you could fence yourself off in.

When I brought him in, he took off into the major part where all the dogs were and he started playing with other dogs.

(barking) So I had to go make sure that he was okay, so when I went over, the other people were there, and they started engaging me, and the beginning was really hard.

And then after a while, we started talking, and I can explain to people not to feel that I'm being rude or anything like that, it's just that I have a little bit of a reservation and kind of explain my situation.

They were really welcoming and they understood, and it was really nice to see that.

(barking) So he broke the ice, and I feel safe there.

Family members often say, "Can't you give me back the son or the daughter, the husband or the wife that I sent off into the military?"

Veterans will ask, "Can you help me become the young man or young woman I was before I ever served?"

And tragically and also blessedly, the answer's no.

Military service and the combat experience are one-way journeys that transform us forever.

After the 200th time someone has thanked you for your service, you're just kinda like, "But you don't know what I did.

Come back, talk to me.

Ask me about what I did, I want to tell you!"

Yes you are, you're gonna bring back what I throw at ya.

PTSD impacts every aspect of my life.

It's warmer today.

It has oozed over into everything.

I'm learning how to handle it.

There are days when I'm like, "Hey, I'm doing fine."

And then someone yells at me from across a store, you know?

"Are you training him?"

And I'm shaking.

And I, you know, slink out or run or grab my dog.

He's the first line of defense when I'm doing well and when I'm not doing so well.

Oh, yum, thanks.

You're welcome, enjoy.

Thanks.

He doesn't judge, and I can spend the whole day in my pajamas, crying, and he finds that just fine.

(laughing) Wee!

You're wonderful, and I love you very much.

Be careful!

(engine droning) Trucks are loud.

(brakes squealing) (machinery whirring) That was loud.

But it's okay, I'm okay.

You were with me, I'm okay.

I am getting better, but I think getting better for me is a little bit like grief.

You never really get rid of grief, you just handle it better.

So whaddya think?

You sweet thing.

And I think that's what's happening for me.

I'm learning how to handle it better.

Oh!

(music plays over store PA) For the first time in a very, very long time, I can actually walk around people without checking every exit 500 times... We're good, buddy.

...or looking someone up and down to see if they have a weapon.

How you doing today, sir?

-I'm good, how are you?

-I'm doing good, sir, thank you.

That's a good boy, Mako.

Oh, there's your section, buddy.

Whoa!

Look at that!

That is a big bone.

What do you think?

My son would like to ask him something.

What?

Would you like to pet the dog?

Do you want to pet the dog?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

C'mere, Mako.

(clucking to dog) Come here.

Sit.

-Wanna try?

-Make friends.

Oh, we got kisses!

Can you say, "Thank you so much"?

-Thank you so much.

-You're very welcome.

Bye-bye!

Bye.

That's a good boy.

Good boy!

Okay.

All right, buddy.

Ready to do some training, huh?

(Mako whimpers as distant dog barks) Uh-uh.

(dog barks) Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Down.

I know, baby, I know.

That's why I take you here, buddy.

So many distractions, okay?

I know, I know.

Yes, Mako, good boy.

Yes, baby.

(distant dogs barks) Stay.

Yes, Mako.

It might sound crazy, but I love him like a brother.

Stay.

He's my everything.

There's no cure for PTSD, but he has definitely lightened it.

Good boy.

(school bell rings) That is so awesome, to be able to stand with everybody else without fear or anxiety or pressure.

I wouldn't be sitting here right now if it wasn't for Mako.

I'd be way back there on the fence, as far away from people as I could be.

(indistinct chatter) I like waiting for my daughter where I'm the first thing that she sees when she comes out of the door.

Good boy, yes, stay.

Aww!

That hurt like hell, but it was worth it.

(giggling) -Mwah!

-I love you.

I love you.

So you moved your clip up.

That's awesome.

You guys do math today?

-Yep.

-Yeah?

We're learning about time.

-Time?

-Time.

My life was very small.

It was very constricted by paranoia and fear.

It was emotionally paralyzing.

I could be a victim and say wah-wah-wah and spend the rest of my life being a PTSD victim.

But I don't think I could be the person that I am right now if I didn't go through what I went through, and if I didn't embrace it.

PTSD is a life's work.

It's gonna be an ongoing process.

Come here, up.

The thing about PTSD is that you need to keep reading the symptoms.

The symptoms are a road map.

If you're having flashbacks, if you're having nightmares, most of these experiences come from the perspective that you care for others as much as you care for yourself, and that's where all the emotions come in, and that's where all the anger and pain comes in later, from the losses and everything else.

And now, from that growth, when PTSD comes in, you learn more about yourself.

A soldier's greatest asset is his skill set.

And his skill set is worthless when he's not able to pass it on to other soldiers.

And it's the same thing with this.

Just like in the military, leave no man behind, just take care of others.

I'm a healer now.

People have given me the opportunity to heal myself and to grow.

They're putting stock in me.

Where you been, man?

You see how he came right to me?

I really get a lot of pleasure out of helping the guys at the VA when I go over.

Everybody likes you.

They don't know you, they like you.

I get to get involved with new guys.

Love you, brother.

No tongue, no tongue, no tongue.

(laughter) I really enjoy passing it on.

There's a lot of guys coming in right now.

I've already talked to my doctor about reducing my pain medication.

He's okay to go ahead and try it.

I know some of 'em I won't be able to get rid of.

-Hi.

-Hi, baby.

-How was work?

-Oh, busy.

Yeah?

Mm!

You smell like a sandwich.

I don't know if that's complimentary or not.

Yes it is.

Uh-uh.

There are times when I still get anxious, but it's nothing near what it was.

I know you wanna lead.

No, uh-uh--heel, bud.

Yes, good boy.

The bond gets stronger day by day.

It's like a bond with your wife or with your best friend.

It's--it grows every single day.

Good boy.

Yes, Mako, yes.

(deep exhalation) It cost me relationships, it cost me love.

It cost me my friends, it cost me my family.

Almost going to jail, almost wanting to take my own life.

There's a cost of the programs and the medications.

I was expendable.

What's the cost of something that's expendable?

I don't have the life that I wanted.

There are still days I wanna cry myself to sleep.

The cost of it was me being able to feel like I can have a good relationship with anybody.

I feel like I didn't get to fulfill all these things because I became broken.

And, like, I wasn't an option.

I wasn't fit for duty anymore, according to the Marine Corps.

I have friends that paid the ultimate sacrifice, and I just feel like because of the PTSD, I wasn't able to do the same thing.

That's why I joined the Marine Corps.

I didn't care if I died.

We are a traumatized nation.

We have been at war since the beginning of our history.

We are about 240 years old, and we've had about 220 years of armed conflict.

For the love of God, know what you're doing, people, when you send us into these places.

If we do need to go to war, make sure it's worth it.

Here we go, buddy.

Up.

With him, life has opened up.

He's helped me realize that those things are not really as bad as I perceived them to be, and that I could handle them with his help.

The obvious hard part about going to the beach is the open area and the exposure.

But thinking about it, I believe that a lot of it has to do with the night before the suicide attempt, I made my decision on that beach... ...to commit suicide, so that's got a lot to do with it.

(sea gulls crying) (knuckles cracking) There's hope now.

I didn't have any hope before.

There's a horizon now, there's a wide and big horizon.

Before, it was just in a small box.

A small box of pain and agony and emotional anguish.

The sides have fallen off, and I can see in all the directions.

We were taught to shoot our rifles Men and women, side by side Thought we'd be met as liberators In a thousand-year-old fight I've got this painful ringing in my ear from an IED last night But no lead-lined Humvee war machine could save my sergeant's life Three more soldiers, six civilians need these words to come out right God of mercy, God of light Take your children from this life Hear these words, this humble plea For I have seen the suffering And with this prayer, I'm hoping That we can be unbroken It's 18 months now I've been stateside With this medal on my chest But there are things I can't remember And there are things I won't forget I lie awake at night with dreams a devil shouldn't see I wanna scream but I can't breathe And Christ, I'm sweating through these sheets Where's my brothers, where's my country Where's my how things used to be God of mercy, God of light Save your children from this life Hear these words, this humble plea For I have seen the suffering And with this prayer, I'm hoping That we can be unbroken My service dog's done more for me Than the medication would There ain't no angel that's coming to save me But even if they could Today, 22 will die from suicide Just like yesterday, they're gone I live my life for each tomorrow So their memories will live on Once we were boys and we were strangers Now we're brothers and we're men Someday, you'll ask me was it worth it To be of service in the end Well, the blessing and the curse is, yeah I'd do it all again Whoa Whoa