The Last Ecstatic Days

So, there's this soul... a dear, blessed, loving soul named Ethan Sisser.

He's 36.

He had a stroke.

In an ambulance... Trying to keep seizures at bay.

Possible infection going into head.

Staying present.

He was diagnosed with glioblastoma back in October of 19... I am embodied.

I am empowered.

I am ecstatic.

I am embodied.

I am empowered.

I am ecstatic.

He started documenting his journey with the cancer on Facebook, TikTok, YouTube.

Alright... And we're live.

E3 here.

Embodied, empowered, and ecstatic!

I'm wearing this funny helmet not just because it looks awesome... It's because I recently had two I got my abdomen on my head.

Do you give tattoos here?

He's created a widespread net of love and community and spirit that is just so beautiful.

Some people would say, this is ridiculous... Why are you doing a livestream with this extreme pain?

It's 10:32 at night.

Why?

Because... all day long I have to face death and pain.

And all day long I have beautiful opportunities like being here with you now.

One of my videos had, like, 200 something thousand views.

Doctors said there's nothing they can do.

The chemo can't help.

Not doing the chemo... Nothing will change either.

So I'm just trying to figure out what's going to happen next... And, actually, what's going to happen next is I'm going to keep a smile in my heart.

Ethan put out in the universe that he wanted this journey to be shared and recorded when he no longer could record himself with the intention of people having less fear around dying.

If I'm going to die tomorrow how am I going to be present with that?

I want to honor your courage and resilience in the way you're showing up for life... and sharing so much love.

We all are born... we all leave the body... so why not do it in the most beautiful way possible?

Once your message really gets out there... and they're seeing what you're doing I don't know if anybody's ever done it in terms of how you're doing it.

One thing I would love is... a strong support system.

I know the universe supports me, but tangible... I haven't even been able to create that.

I'm calling it in.

I would love it... and feel like it could be beautiful for everyone involved.

The miracle that you're seeking is happening now.

You are the miracle.

I'm grateful for the institution that is keeping him comfortable.

and yet I'm struggling with the fear... and the lack of honoring somebody'slast wish.

I'm trying to medically find a way to do it to where he can be comfortable in a home setting.

Where would he go?

He doesn't have a home.

I could help.

I'm sure Nate would take shifts, too.

I've got a whole house.

Nate has a whole house.

He'll take him in.

Are you serious, Nate?

It's straight, it's one level.

Nate said yes.

It's one level.

He'll take him in.

I am embodied.

I am empowered.

I am... Ecstatic!

Feels like the left side of the body is moving towards paralysis... And that sensation is moving to the left side of the chest, near the heart.

So... I'm trying to find a nurse who will come in here to be with me.

But... I'm waiting.

I'm just really touched by him as a person and his courage and heart.

It's just so beautiful.

And I want people to feel that and see it... and if it's so close, and it's not over... I mean, the story's not finished... We made it to the mystery.

We tried to keep him the best company we could.

You did it.

He feels it.

It's hard with these masks, isn't it?

I think, yeah... I think the masks don't work on the heart.

That's very true.

I really believe that people in the dying process who accept what's happening to their body ease into it physically don't hold a lot of tension don't resist what's happening those who just kind of are in the present moment... I find that their dying processes are generally smoother and easier.

Hello.

Thanks for being here, everyone and blessing this space.

It's like a housewarming party.

So thank you.

I can't lift my left arm.

I know, sweetheart.

You don't have to.

They made it comfortable.

They made it nice.

Well, maybe you can put it behind your back.

No, I think it's good on the pillow.

Can you, for now, put it behind your back?

You want your arm behind the back?

Behind your back.

Oh, my back!

Okay, what you gonna do?

Give me a massage?

Give you a hug.

Oh, a hug!

That's usually what we do in the middle of the night.

Put it behind your back.

Okay, thanks.

Hug, hug?

Hug, hug.

It feels good.

I love you so much.

My first day here on Tuesday, he was awake, alert.

He called me over to the bed and I introduced myself and I said Ethan, do you know that there's beautiful mountains here just to the left side of you?

He said, "No... all I see is this window here."

We moved his bed so he could see the beautiful mountains.

Nature is so important in the dying process.

Do you remember what we talked about?

Yeah.

Say it again.

So your body is giving us signs that you're no longer able to eat and drink because you can't safely swallow... and it's been six days.

Thank you so much for being here It means a lot.

It really does.

I might leave my body and I'll have to meet my maker... I got to get some things in order.

But then I was like, I gotta call Brent... cause Brent's gonna straighten me out.

I'm just messing with you.

If there's a film about different ways of urinating... then this is the film.

Okay, now you're messing with me There's an essential oil that smells really good.

Whichever one... Either, like, tea tree oil or the rose oil.

I wanna put some on my face.

You could put it on your mustache if you like the smell.

Would you like to try it?

Yeah.

These are all just tchotchkes... cause I'm a yenta from Brooklyn By the way, we can order in some really good gefilte fish.

Up here?

You think they could find it up here on the mountain?

I don't know about that.

I'll call in a good rabbi I know That's why I have the hole in my head.

It fits perfectly.

So we'll keep the yarmulke here.

You don't need a bobby pin even.

That hurt so much... and it felt good in my heart.

A little bit dangerous.

So I'm going to rest... and first sending you lots and lots of love.

Can you bend the knee so I put the ankle here?

Thanks.

I believe I can become an expert physical yogi again... in addition to the mind and heart.

I believe that can happen and I want to show people.

So, are you talking about in this body?

Yes.

This body.

And we're ready for takeoff.

What's the worst thing a human being can do... besides hurting other people?

For me, it was almost like a deep fear and a deep, like, inability a deep self-criticism, a deep discomfort.

So one time when I was 18 I wrote a suicide note, printed it... And drove out just to get something to eat My form of suicide would have been to drive into a tree.

So I drove as fast as I could... but at the very last moment I was gonna turn into a tree... I saw a picture of my mom and then I turned away from the tree.

By the time I drove back to the campus I saw other cars and I was like, Oh crap... They saw the suicide note.

I completely forgot about that.

So my mom was already on her way But actually before she was on her way the whole time she was praying to save my life.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to find a place... so you could stay?

What do you mean?

We already talked about this... What are you talking about?

You have to cooperate too.

Oh, I have to... See?

This is what I'm talking about.. I have to cooperate?

No, this is my life... This is my body... I don't have to do what you tell me to do.

If you're...if you're in... Again, this is getting close to seizure with me.

If you're in fear... fear and anxiety, that's completely understandable.

I would, too, if I had a son.

But because you're in fear and anxiety... You don't just say, Oh, you have to cooperate. That's not right.

As a human being, as a man, As a human being, as a man, as an independent person, which You guys are really kind of going head to head.

Mom will probably have to leave.

Yeah, that'd be good.

But for now, we're okay.

I just wanted to... This is my charge nurse, and I just let her know that you guys a little upset and that you're kind of having... a heated conversation, I would call it.

It's a very simple thing.

I'm the patient, and I know how to request needs.

And that's pretty simple, that's all.

And if she needs support, it's completely understandable.

I'd be stressed, too... if I had a son who's sick, but maybe there's a nurse who could talk to her.

But other than that, I don't have anything else to say.

That's how I feel.

I just wanted to make sure you were okay in here.

Yeah.

But the highest priority is not aggravating a seizure... So I'll do my job in not aggravating a seizure.

If I have to be in silence that's what I'll do.

I was a mystery... I am a mystery... And I will always be a mystery.

I was a mystery... I am a mystery... And I will always be a mystery.

When I was a child my parents would come and sing lullabies... Beautiful Indian melodies.

And I remember I'd sorta be half-sleep, half-awake state.

And I would just start crying, start weeping.

I had this awareness, even in a young age that this life is temporary.

And I will always be a mystery.

So many beautiful things are going to happen.

It's a win win win.

If I have more pain, if I die later today or tomorrow It's a win.

Stay present with that.

If I stay alive longer, more pain... Stay present with that.

If I stay alive longer and heal.

I will stay present with that.

I'd like to try... Okay, I'll do the back and then I'll hand it to you.

I'd like to feel the back.

There's a mirror right there.

See the mirror?

Can you see you?

That's the spot I got to be careful of... That's hard to buzz myself, so.. I mean, why not have a little bit of fun?

Can death be fun?

I mean, that could be the most exciting journey ever.

Leaving the body... Can you spray?

Spray.

Where exactly?

There's so much light coming out of you, Ethan.

It's my journey, but you are supporting it.

In some cultures they have a rite of passage.

We didn't have one... in quite the same sense.

So now we have the opportunity.. to have our own unique rite of passage.

A lot of us have unconscious tumors in our system... So I was lucky enough to have it be brought to the forefront of my psyche.

And the universe can say, Hey, you have this going on... in your energy field... and, wow, what an opportunity to learn from it to be taught by it.

To grow."

Sometimes, I wonder recently, am I just sitting in the hospital making YouTube videos all day?

No, I'm not.

I'm doing other things like... laying down in excruciating pain... And then deciding, when do I give up and when do I call on my angel?

I call it angel mode.

It's like beast mode... for big, strong, muscular dudes in the gym.

But, for me, I'm a big, strong, muscular angel... in the hospital.

I want to go with the flow of the body... in the most present and loving way.

You are.

You're doing it.

It's my journey... But if I could have anything in my journey... it's exactly as things are.

Thank you, snake arms.

Thank you, chest circles.

Thank you, shoulder rolls.

Thank you, shoulder rolls.

Thank you, seaweed arms.

In... Out... So much more... The path that he's going on...

It's like you go on a on a hike together with somebody... except you're never going to get to the summit with them.

That's their summit.

You're just going a little ways.

You're following.

You're leading.

You're doing both.

You know where the trail signs are when you see them... but you don't know anything ahead of time.

And it's a journey with him... and I can only go so far.

I've been taught about boundaries... to keep my heart from feeling so deeply... the grief that comes with death and loss.

I've never had such a profound connection with a person like Ethan.

Some would say this is a hopeless situation... but that's not what I say.

I say I'm alive now.

And I say, how about focusing on the dreams in my heart?

Hey.

Hey.

Sasha's on the phone.

Hi Ethan.

I'm going to sing Dayenu.

I don't know if you remember that from Passover.

[Singing in Hebrew] [Singing in Hebrew] [Singing in Hebrew] It goes like 15 verses.

It's beautiful.

I love you, Ethan.

I love you so much.

The hardest thing is he's the youngest one, by far.

Yet he's the one who goes first.

While the rest of us... who are older than him, who took care of him... when he was little, and... gave him guidance while we could I don't know.

We just don't have anything... We don't have a way to... guide him through something like How do you deal with the loss of your child?

There's nothing that makes it okay.

If there were words... that got people through this... that got a parent through a loss like this... everyone would know them by now.

[Singing in Hebrew] The whole of the world... is a very narrow bridge... a very narrow bridge... a very narrow bridge.

The whole of the world... is a very narrow bridge... a very narrow bridge... From a very early age...

I would hibernate in the basement.

There was a television there and a couch.

I remember parents fighting so I would hibernate down there and just have my own little real Watch TV, eat junk food... and just from a very young age developed that habit of escaping Because the home environment didn't feel safe... emotionally.

I didn't feel at ease.

Do you see this Ethan?

This is what love can do.

That's what he said.

He's having a lot of pain right now... and he's asking for the meds to be increased.

Up until now he's really wanted to be as clear as possible... with minimal meds... enough to just be... for the pain to be bearable.

And now he's asking for us to increase his medicines... and make it more comfortable so he can release and let go.

And he's sure?

He's sure.

He wants that.

Nothing we do makes dying come sooner.

It's just he wants to be more comfortable in the transition.

And I know he has your permission.

I'm fine with it.

Oh, yes.

I want him comfortable... comfortable as can be.

So, Ethan, a new hospice nurse is coming out and we're going to adjust all your meds... and keep you comfortable through this process.

Okay?

It's been a learning process.

It's been a learning process.

Being present with the pain.

Because being present with the pain.

Not running away.

Not running away from pain.

Not running away from feeling.

Not running away from pain... and not running away from feeling.

A friend told me... A friend told me... Or he asked a cool question.

He asked a cool question.

Does dying have to be a solitary experience?

Or maybe... what we call dying can be a communal experience?

I never thought of it like that.

You're teaching all of us how to be.

I thought about it and... I thought that... it's a beautiful practice to try and be present in this situation.

But what if the next practice is to just be present and let go?

It's okay to let go.

So... I'll probably... be leaving this body pretty soon.

I'm ready.

I'm ready.

These last few days with all the love and support... I just feel like it's so sacred for them to do all this.

This feels sacred.

I can't sit there today.

No, you don't need to be sitting there and listen to that I know, that's really getting me I was okay with the whole thing but he's struggling now.

No, he's not.

He's not struggling?

No... not at all.

We would notice in the symptoms.

you know.

No, I've seen it so many times.

He's got what we call terminal secretions.

And most people have that at the end of life.

One of the things that starts to happen... is the feet and legs become mottled, which is... purplish, which means decrease of circulation to the lower extremities.

This is a change from a couple hours ago.

Slight change, but... it's a change.

He just needs his own time.

We can't rush this process it's just his journey.

No, it's his time.

It's always his time.

It's Ethan time.

Yeah.

I relax into the source of my being.

Death is my teacher.

I prepared for this moment... all of my life.

I return to the light.

I return to the light.

I return to the light.

Stay in your heart, Ethan.

I know it's... more challenging to talk and communicate.

That's normal.

This extended family is what I'm seeing here with Ethan.

He called for a family to assist him... and this family showed up.

He already is experiencing a consciousness outside of time.

So what we say is, is it going to be hours?

Is it going to be days?

It's meaningless to him.

I'm just going to open up the window a little bit.

We come and we look at the body.

We touch the body... because it's natural.

But my sense of Ethan's state of being... fills this whole area.

This is the ultimate healing.

All healing is release.

It's natural to have fear of leaving the body.

Humans have fear, and with the opportunity... we move through the fear.

He just asked us to say yes.

Say yes to the stranger.

That's who he was to me.

So I really appreciate you saying yes.

Saying yes to your heart.

Saying yes to this work.

I see death as... a door... that is open.

The door is open.

When the door is open... what prevents us from moving... from here to there?

Nothing.

Nothing prevents us from moving from here to there when the door is open.

Do you hear anything, Maggie?

No.

He's gone.

He's no longer in his body.

Somebody tell me what time it is.

9:40.

So for the next hour, we just... We won't do anything.

Let's just let his spirit release and let his body be.

Just going to straighten his legs, that's it.

Is he not breathing?

He's not.

You can feel there's no heart beat.

I keep seeing... You can feel here.

The tears are not sadness of him dying... it's just gratitude... just gratitude.

I am embodied.

I am empowered.

I am ecstatic!

That's all I got in me for right I gotta... I have to rest my body.

Sending you lots of love... and asking my angels... to hang out with your angels... to create miracles.