PBS Wisconsin Music & Arts

Announcer

Funding for APT's Out of the Woods is provided by Boardman Clark Law Firm, Arcadia Books, Dane Arts, Nancy A. McDaniel, Natural Resources Foundation of Wisconsin, Orange Tree Imports, Wilson Creek Pottery, Focus Fund for Wisconsin Programming, and Friends of PBS Wisconsin.

whippoorwills singing

crickets chirping

Announcer

classical music

Announcer

discordant piano notes

Announcer

This cannot be right. Did I-- Am I, am I? Okay...

strumming harp

Announcer

Uh, can you tell me if the lens is scratched or is that my glasses?

overlapping voices, audio cutting out

man does a verbal vocal warm-up

overlapping voices

Man

Hey, Jimmy!

man does throat exercise

Man

Jimmy, you frozen? Places! I'm here, I'm here, coming! Places, everyone! This is places.

playful, expectant keyboard music

Man

Oh, hey, what's up Marcus? How ya doing? Good luck, everybody!

birds warbling

Man

Brenda DeVita

Hi, everybody, hi and welcome tonight to our very first live tape recording of our "Out of the Woods" play reading series. I wanna say "Happy Mother's Day!" to everyone and thank you for being our guinea pigs in all of this. This is our first time we've ever done anything like this and you are our first audience so we appreciate you being here tonight. It's a big adventure for us. This all happened incredibly fast so I want to thank our staff at APT, our incredible staff. who just jumped on board to make this happen. I specifically want to thank Jacki Singleton and Evelyn Matten. Our stage managers are kind of backstage running the show. I want to thank Carey Cannon and Jake Penner, who are the artistic team who helped put this together and Eva Breneman, our voice and text coach. Such a great night. I'm so excited for you all you get to see this. Before we start, I need to take a moment to thank all of you for being so supportive of us. I also have special thanks to our season sponsors. As you know, the season, you know, it can't go the way it was planned probably. It's going to look like what it's going to look like, but they have all stuck with us and are still supporting us financially, which is imperative at this time, but also emotionally and with their generosity of spirit. They mean so much to us, and they give us confidence that what we do at APT, that the theater, The Hill is important to you all. And I want to make sure we say thank you to them. So, the season sponsors,

humbly I thank you

Stephen and Laurel Brown Foundation, Doug and Sherry Caves, JJJ Productions, Sherry and Rick Lundell, Alfred P. and Ann M. Moore, Nelson-Jameson, Allison M. and Dale R. Smith, Steve Brown Apartments, the Mr. and Mrs. C.J. Williams Central Storage Foundation, and last but not least, U.S. Bank. We're very excited to partner with PBS Wisconsin on this. They've been amazing with us and very patient as we learn the whole process for these plays all while they're being taped live tonight. They will be recorded and released on the PBS website. So, we believe the release date will be around June 5th. And so, you can stay tuned throughout our series of readings. And we'll have more information about that, but tell your friends they can see-- If they're missing it tonight or you want to see it again, you can tune in to PBS Wisconsin online. And last, but not least, I just need to say thank you to our artists, our actors. Tonight, you'll get to see a few of them. Tracy Arnold, Brian Mani, Jim Ridge, Colleen Madden, Marcus Truschinski, Brian Mani, Colleen Madden, and our very own Ms. dare-- I'm sorry, dare I say, Dame Sarah Day. They have just gotten this material for a little time and this is a reading of that material and they have bravely thrown caution to the wind and are sharing these stories with you,

the only way they know how

with their full hearts. And I want to welcome them to the stage now. Without further ado, Anton Chekhov's three one-act plays and the core company. Have a good time!

Narrator

"The Bear." A Vaudeville in one act by Anton Pavlovich Chekhov.

Our characters are

Elana Ivanovna Popova. A middle-aged widow. With dimples. Grigoriy Stepanovich Smirnov. Middle-aged landowner. Without dimples. -

speaking cheerfully

Our characters are

Luka. An old manservant of Elana Ivanovna Popova. Dimples, irrelevant. The drawing room in the country estate of Elana Ivanovna Popova.

Elana weeps

Narrator

Elana Ivanovna Popova dressed in deep mourning, holds a framed photograph of her deceased husband, Nicolai Michaelovich Popova.

LUKA

It's not good, Madame. You only are wasting yourself. The maid and the cook have gone off to pick berries; every breathing thing is joyous, even the cat understands how to find happiness; she's taken a walk outdoors in hopes of catching some little birdie, but you sit all day in a room as though in a monastery; you find happiness in nothing. A year has passed since you even left the house.

ELANA

My life is finished. He rests in his tomb and I have entombed myself within these four walls. We both are dead.

LUKA

Nikolai Michailovich is dead. The Kingdom of Heaven is his. You have grieved, it's time to cease. One is unable to weep forever. My old wife passed away. what then? I grieved and wept for a month, and that would do for her, but to wail for a whole year? My old wife was not worth that.

hmph

LUKA

You have been forgetful of all the neighbors. You don't go out You don't wish to receive anyone. We exist as spiders-- we never see the light. It would be different if there was no decent people about, but the entire region is filled with such people... in Riblovo a regiment is stationed, such officers, one never tires of staring at them! At the garrison, there is a ball on Friday! You are young, beautiful, blooming... beauty does not last long! In ten years, then you will wish to go out with an officer, but then... it will be too late in the day for you.

ELANA

I beg you never to speak to me about this! Since the death of Nicholas Michailovich, you know life has lost all its worth for me. To you, it appears that I am alive but that's only an appearance. Let his soul see how I love him... Yes, I know, it is no secret to you how often he was unfair to me, hard-hearted, and even unfaithful. But I shall be faithful till my grave and I shall prove to him that I know how to love.

LUKA

It would be better that you took a walk in the garden or gave orders to harness Toby or Velikan and pay a visit to the neighbors.

weeping

ELANA

Ohh, no...

LUKA

Madame, dear, what is it?

ELANA

He so loved Toby! He always took him to the Korchagins and the Vlasovs. How marvelously he rode. What a graceful figure he was when with all his might he drew on the reins. Oh, Toby, Toby! Oh, oh, oh, give Toby an extra helping of oats today.

LUKA

Yes, Madame.

rings a sharp piercing bell

ELANA

Who is it? Say I never receive anyone!

LUKA

Oh yes, Madame, yeah.

ELANA

You shall see, Nicholas, how I know how to love and forgive. My love will only falter when my poor heart ceases to beat. And don't you feel guilty? I am such a true little wife, I have closed myself up and shall remain faithful to you until death, but you-- don't you feel guilty? You were unfaithful to me. You made scenes, for entire weeks you left me alone...

LUKA

Madame, there is someone here asking for you. He wishes to see--

ELANA

But didn't you say I receive no one since the death of my husband?

LUKA

I said so but he refuses to listen; he says it's a pressing matter.

ELANA

I do not receive!

LUKA

I told him, but he is like some sort of forest beast. He cursed and came straight into the rooms. Now he is standing in the dining room.

ELANA

Oh, all right, ask him to come in. What boors! How distasteful these people are! What do they want of me? Why do they disturb my repose?

Elana groans

ELANA

In reality, I should be off to a convent. Yes, to a convent.

GRIGORIY

You blockhead! You love to prattle! You ass!

Elana gasps, Luka cowers

GRIGORIY

Madame,

I have the honor of presenting myself

Retired Artillery Lieutenant Grigoriy Stepanovich Smirnov! I am forced to disturb you about a very pressing matter.

ELANA

What is it?

GRIGORIY

Your late spouse, with whom I had the honor to be acquainted, owed me 1,200 rubles. Tomorrow I must pay the interest on my loan from the land bank and therefore I ask you to pay me the money today.

ELANA

One-thousand two-hundred... For what did my husband owe this debt to you?

GRIGORIY

He bought oats from me.

Elana whimpers

ELANA

Luka, don't forget to see to it that Toby has an extra helping of oats. If Nikolai Michailovich owes you a debt, I shall pay you; but, please excuse me, I do not have any cash at hand. The day after tomorrow my overseer returns from the city. I shall instruct him to pay you what is due but until then, I am unable to settle your request. Besides, today marks the seventh month since my husband died. And, at present, I am not in the mood to occupy myself with money matters.

GRIGORIY

Unless I have the money tomorrow to pay the interest, they will auction off my estate!

ELANA

You will receive your money the day after tomorrow.

GRIGORIY

I don't need the money the day after tomorrow, I need it today.

ELANA

I am unable to pay you today.

GRIGORIY

But I can't wait until the day after tomorrow.

ELANA

What am I supposed to do if I haven't got it?

GRIGORIY

You are unable to pay?

ELANA

I am unable.

GRIGORIY

Is that your last word?

ELANA

Yes,

the last. - GRIGORIY

The last? Positively?

ELANA

Positively.

GRIGORIY

Most respectfully, I thank you!

pounding on wall, shouting

GRIGORIY

And they expect me to be composed!

breathing angrily

GRIGORIY

The customs man on the road just met me and asked, "Why are you so angry at everything, Grigoriy Stepanovich?" But how am I not to be angry? I desperately need money. I departed yesterday morning before dawn. I drove to all of those who owed me money and if only just one of these had paid what they owed! Ah, I'm tired as a dog. I passed the night hell knows where. In a cheap tavern, next to a small barrel of vodka. Finally, I arrived here, seventy versts from home, I had hoped to recover a debt but instead she offers me "moods."

yelling, pounding fists

GRIGORIY

How am I not to be angry?

ELANA

I said it clearly. The overseer will return from the city and then you will receive the money.

GRIGORIY

I didn't come to see the overseer, but to see you! Excuse the expression, but what the hell does your overseer have to do with me?

ELANA

Forgive me, sir, but I am not accustomed to these odd expressions, nor to such a tone. No longer shall I listen to you.

GRIGORIY

Moods! Seven months since her husband passed away! Must I pay or not pay the interest? Well, you have a dead husband, moods, and lofty whims. Your overseer has gone somewhere- the devil take him-

hollering

GRIGORIY

but what am I to do? What, shall I flee from my creditors in a hot air balloon? Run and smash my head against a wall?

banging

GRIGORIY

No. I call on Gruzdev. He's not home. Yaroshevich is hiding. I cursed Kuritsin to death and almost threw him out of a window. Mazutov had a stomach complaint and this one-- moods!!! Not one of the scoundrels will pay up! All because I have indulged them too much, because I am a sniveler, an old woman! I am too delicate with them. I shall stay and hang about here until she pays! Brr, how angry I am today, how angry! Hey you, servant!

LUKA

What is it?

GRIGORIY

Give me some kvas or water!

LUKA

Oh, okay.

GRIGORIY

Well, what sort of logic is this, huh? A person desperately needs money even to the point of hanging himself but she will not pay because, you see, she is not in a MOOD to occupy herself with money matters! There's real female logic. Precisely because of this, I have never cared for women! I would rather sit down in a barrel of gunpowder than converse with women. I only need catch sight of such a poetical creature and spasms of anger run through my calves. It's enough to make one scream for help.

LUKA

Madame is indisposed and not receiving.

GRIGORIY

Off with you!

Luka mumbles indistinctly

GRIGORIY

She is indisposed and not receiving! Yeah, well then, don't receive! I shall stay here until you come up with the money. Be sick for a year. I shall get my money, my dear! You don't touch me with your mourning and your dimples. We all know all about those dimples. I slept poorly during the night and now this mourning gown with moods! My head aches, shall I, shall I have a glass of vodka? Yes,

snaps fingers

GRIGORIY

I shall drink. Hey, you! Servant!

LUKA

What is it?

GRIGORIY

Give me a wine glass of vodka.

Luka whines quietly

GRIGORIY

Uff! Well, well, there is nothing to say. What a fine figure, huh! Dust everywhere, dirty boots, unwashed, uncombed, straw in my waistcoat. Madame most likely took me for a thief. It was a bit rude to appear in such a state in the drawing room. Well, it's nothing. I am not a guest, but a creditor and for creditors there is no special dress.

LUKA

You take great liberties, sir.

GRIGORIY

What?

LUKA

I-- I, nothing. I, as a matter of fact, I...

GRIGORIY

With whom do you think you are speaking?! Keep quiet!

LUKA

A forest beast has been thrust on our heads. What devil has brought him here?

GRIGORIY

Ah, how angry I am! So angry, I could grind the world to dust. Oh! I feel faint. Hey, you! Servant!

ELANA

Sir, in my solitude, I, for some time, have not been accustomed to a human voice. I cannot bear shouting. I beg you not to disturb my repose.

GRIGORIY

Pay me the money and I shall leave.

I told you in plain Russian accent

I do not have the cash until the day after tomorrow. Wait until the day after tomorrow.

GRIGORIY

I also have the honor to tell you in plain Russian accent that I don't need the money the day after tomorrow. I need it today. Tomorrow, I shall have to hang myself.

ELANA

What am I supposed to do if I don't have the money? How odd!

GRIGORIY

So, you will not pay now? No?

ELANA

I am unable.

GRIGORIY

If that is the case, I shall stay here until I get the money. You will pay the day after tomorrow?

snaps fingers

GRIGORIY

Excellent! Then, the day after tomorrow, I shall stay. Until the day after tomorrow, I shall stay here. I ask you, do I need to pay the interest tomorrow or not?!

ELANA

Sir, I beg you not to shout! This is not a stable.

GRIGORIY

I am not asking about a stable, but whether or not I need to pay the interest tomorrow.

ELANA

You do not know how to conduct yourself in the company of a woman.

GRIGORIY

Oh, no, no, no, no! I DO know how to conduct myself in the company of a woman!

ELANA

No, you do not know! You are an ill-bred, rude individual! Decent people do not speak in such a manner to a woman!

GRIGORIY

Oh, this is a surprising state of affairs! How do you wish people to speak with you? In a French accent?

speaking sarcastically

GRIGORIY

Madame, je vous prie. How delighted am I that you are not paying me the money. Oh, pardon me that I have disturbed you! What a delightful weather today! How a mourning gown becomes your face!

ELANA

It's not clever and it's rude.

GRIGORIY

"It's not clever and it's rude!" I don't know how to conduct myself in the company of a woman! Three times have I fought duels with pistols for the sake of women; I have dropped twelve women and nine have abandoned me. Yes, there was a time when I played the fool. I loved, I suffered, I sighed at the moon. I loved passionately, madly-- ah, the devil take me!!! Don't lead me on! You don't fool me. Dark eyes, ardent eyes, scarlet small lips, dimpled cheeks, the moon, a whisper, timid sighs. For all that, Madame, now I would not give a tin kopek! Present company excepted, all women from the most humble to the greatest are affected, posturing, gossiping, odious, inveterate liars, vain, small-minded, mean, and logically insane.

appalled

ELANA

Oh!

GRIGORIY

Forgive my bluntness. Honestly, you tell me, in your time have you ever seen a woman who was sincere and true?

Elana gasps indignantly

GRIGORIY

You have never seen one, huh! The true and faithful ones are only the old and ugly! You sooner would encounter a small cat with horns or an albino woodcock than a constant woman!

ELANA

But who, in your opinion, is true and constant in love? The man?

GRIGORIY

Yes, the man!

ELANA

The man!

outraged

ELANA

OH! The man true and constant in love! What type of truth is this? A man true and constant? I tell you that of all the men whom I have known, the best of all was my late husband and he betrayed me at each step! After his death, I found in his table a drawer full of love letters, but even before he died, he left me alone for whole weeks and before my very eyes, he made advances towards other women and betrayed me; He threw away my money and made light of my feelings. And in spite of all this, I loved him and to him was true. Even though he is dead, I still am constant and true to him. I have entombed myself forever within these four walls and I shall not take off this mourning garb until I myself die--

laughs cynically

GRIGORIY

Mourning! I don't understand what you take me for, huh! See I know exactly why you wear a black costume and entomb yourself within four walls. How secretive and poetic! Some cadet or bob-tailed poet will peer up into the windows and will muse, "Here lives the enigmatic Tamara "who because of her love for her husband buried herself within four walls." Ah, I know these tricks too well!

ELANA

What? How do you dare to speak all these things to me?

GRIGORIY

You have buried yourself alive but notice that you have not forgotten to powder your face.

gasps

ELANA

How dare you speak with me in such a manner?

GRIGORIY

Ah, no, I am not your steward. Allow me to call things by their real names. I am not a woman and I am accustomed to state my opinions frankly!

ELANA

Please leave me in peace.

GRIGORIY

Pay me the money and I shall leave.

ELANA

I shall not give you the money!

GRIGORIY

Hand it over!

ELANA

You will not receive a kopek! Leave me in peace.

GRIGORIY

I have the pleasure of being neither your fianc nor husband, and therefore, please don't make a scene.

Elana gasps

GRIGORIY

I don't care for it!

ELANA

I beg you to leave.

GRIGORIY

Give me the money! Oh, how wicked I am! How wicked!

ELANA

I do not care to carry on a conversation with insolent men! Please leave, now! You are not leaving?

GRIGORIY

No!

ELANA

No?!

GRIGORIY

NO!!

ELANA

Very well.

rings a sharp piercing bell

shrieking

ELANA

Luka!!

whimpers

LUKA

Ah, oh, coming!

ELANA

LUKA, escort the gentleman out!

LUKA

Oye, sir, please leave when she orders! There's nothing here for--

yelling

GRIGORIY

Silence! With whom do you imagine you are speaking, huh? I'll make a salad out of you!

LUKA

Good God! Ohhhh... Oh, Lord! Oh, I feel faint! I can't breathe!

shrieking

ELANA

Where is Dasha?

rings a sharp piercing bell

ELANA

Dasha! Dasha! Pelagaya! Dasha!

voice quivering

LUKA

Oh, all are berry picking. No one is home, and I feel faint! Water!

ELANA

Please go, get out!!

GRIGORIY

Would you be good enough to be more polite?

gasps

ELANA

You lout! Coarse bear! Brute! Monster!

GRIGORIY

: What-- what did you call me?!

ELANA

I said that you were a bear, a monster!

GRIGORIY

Allow me to ask what right you have to insult me?

ELANA

Yes, I insult; What of it? Do you think I am afraid of you?

GRIGORIY

And do you think because you are a romantic creature that you have the right to offend me with impunity? Yes? I challenge you to a duel!

LUKA

Oh, good God! Good Lord! Water!

GRIGORIY

A duel!

enraged tone

ELANA

Although you have... powerful fists and the throat of a steer, do you think I am afraid of you? Eh? You're a brute!

GRIGORIY

A duel! I allow none to insult me and I shall not overlook anything because you are a woman!

ELANA

Bear! Bear! Bear!

GRIGORIY

Equal rights are equal rights, damn it! A duel!

ELANA

You want a duel, huh? So be it!

GRIGORIY

This minute!

ELANA

Now! My husband had pistols. I'll bring them here now. Oh, with what enjoyment I'll put a bullet in your block head! To HELL with you!

GRIGORIY

Ooh! I'll shoot her down like a chicken, huh? I am not a boy, a sentimental cub!

LUKA

My good sir! Be so kind. Have mercy on me, an old man. Leave here! You've terrified me to death and now you're preparing to duel!

GRIGORIY

Oh, that is equal rights, huh? I'll shoot her down on principle! But what kind of woman is she? "To hell with you! I'll put a bullet in your block head!" What words are these? She was flushed, her eyes blazed. She accepted the challenge! On my honor, this is the first time in my life I have seen such a woman--

LUKA

Sir, leave! I'll forever remember you in my prayers!

fretting noise

GRIGORIY

This is a woman! I understand her! A real woman! No sourpuss, no wishy-washiness! But fire, gunpowder, and noise! What a pity to kill her!

LUKA

Sir... Sir, leave!

GRIGORIY

I really like her! No, No, I really like her! I even like the dimples on her cheeks. I am ready to forget about the debt. My fury has passed. What an amazing woman!

ELANA

Here they are, the pistols. But before we duel, please show me how to fire. I have never even held a pistol.

LUKA

Be merciful, O God, have pity... I'll go for the gardener and the coachman. Why has this horror come upon our heads?!

GRIGORIY

You see there are several sorts of pistols. Here you have Smith and Wesson revolvers with triple action. Beautiful pistols. A pair like these cost at least 90 rubles. One must hold a revolver like this. Oh, the eyes! The eyes! What an exciting woman!

ELANA

Like this?

GRIGORIY

Yes, fine... Then, you pull the hammer back, and then you aim thus-- and put your head back a little. You stretch out the arm, and then, press this little thing with your finger.

Elana exhales passionately

GRIGORIY

That is it. The important thing is not to become excited and not be hasty in aiming and see to it that your hand does not tremble.

ELANA

Fine. It's awkward to fire here in these rooms.

breathily

ELANA

Let's go into the garden.

GRIGORIY

Let's go. Only I am warning you beforehand that I myself shall fire in the air.

ELANA

That would be the last straw! Why?

GRIGORIY

Because-- because-- It is my business why.

ELANA

Follow me! I shall not rest until I put a hole in your forehead, in that very head which I hate! Why are you unwilling to fight?

GRIGORIY

Because- because you--

clears throat

GRIGORIY

I like you.

ELANA

I like you! He dares to say that he likes me! Please!

GRIGORIY

Oh, listen, listen, are you still angry? How may I put it? You see the matter as it stands, speaking truly-- God, is it my fault if I like you?! I like you! You understand? I almost love-

ELANA

Leave- I loathe you!

GRIGORIY

Oh, God, what a woman! Never in my life have I seen the likes of her! I am lost! I am ruined! I'm trapped like a small rodent!

ELANA

Go, or I shall fire.

GRIGORIY

Shoot! You would be unable to understand the bliss it would be to perish under the gaze of those marvelous eyes. I'm mad! Consider and decide now whether I should go from here for if I go, we shall never see each other again! Decide! I have a yearly income of ten thousand. I am able to hit a small coin from mid-air. I have fine horses. Will you be my wife?

ELANA

To the duel!

GRIGORIY

God, I am mad. I understand nothing. Hey you, servant, water!

ELANA

Duel!

GRIGORIY

I am mad! I love you!

in disbelief

ELANA

Oh!

GRIGORIY

I love as never have I loved! I am vanquished, destroyed, defeated! I beg your hand. Yes or no? You are unwilling? You need not!

stammering

ELANA

Wait--

GRIGORIY

Well?

ELANA

Nothing, go. But wait-- No, go, go! I loathe you! No, don't go! Oh, if you only knew how angry I was, how angry! My finger is swollen from that wretched revolver. Why are you standing there? Get out!

GRIGORIY

Farewell!

ELANA

Yes, yes, go! Where are you going? Wait!

moans of despair

ELANA

Oh, clear out now. Oh, how angry I was! Don't-- don't-- don't come nearer!

GRIGORIY

How angry I am with myself! I love you! Tomorrow, the interest is to be paid, the haymaking begins, but here you are. Never can I forgive myself.

ELANA

Leave now! Oh, keep your hands away! I... loathe... you! Duel!

kissing 'mwah'

screaming

LUKA

Good Lord! Oh, boy!

ELANA

Luka,

laughs awkwardly

ELANA

see to it in the stable that Toby does not have any oats at all.

playful orchestra music

ELANA

Narrator

"On the Harmfulness of Tobacco." A lecture in one act by Anton Pavlovich Chekhov.

Our speaker is

Ivan Ivananovich Nyukhin. Ladies, and

clears throat

Our speaker is

so to speak, gentlemen. It was suggested to my wife that I give a public lecture here for charity. Well, if I must, I must. It's all the same to me. I am not a professor and I've never finished at the university. And yet, nevertheless, over the past 30 years I have been ruining my health by constant, unceasing examination of matters of strictly scientific nature. I am a man of intellectual curiosity, and appearance, and at times, I write essays on the scientific matters. Well, not exactly scientific, but... scientific-ish.

clears throat

Our speaker is

Just the other day,

I finished a long article entitled

"On the Harmfulness of Certain Insects." My daughters enjoyed it immensely, especially the part about the bedbugs. But I just read it over and tore it up. What difference does it matter if such things are written? You still have to use arsenic. We have bedbugs, even in the piano. For the subject of my lecture today, "I" have chosen, is one way to put it.

clears throat

I finished a long article entitled

"The Harm Done Mankind By the Use of Tobacco." I myself smoke, but my wife told me to lecture on the harmfulness of tobacco, and so, what is to be done? Tobacco it is. It's all the same to me.

chuckles, clears throat

I finished a long article entitled

Ladies and, so to speak, gentleman. I urge you to take my lecture with all due seriousness or something awful may happen!

inaudible vocalization

clearing throat

I finished a long article entitled

Oh... if, uh... If any of you are afraid of a dry scientific lecture, cannot stomach that sort of thing,

sotto voce

I finished a long article entitled

mmm... you needn't listen. You may leave.

pfftt!

clears throat

I finished a long article entitled

Are there any doctors present? If so, I insist that you listen very carefully, for my lecture will contain much useful information, since tobacco, besides being harmful, contains certain medical properties. For example, if you take a fly and put him into a snuff box, he--will--die, probably from nervous exhaustion. Tobacco, strictly speaking, is, a plant! Yee,

stammers

I finished a long article entitled

I know that when I lecture, I blink my right eye.

laughs

I finished a long article entitled

Pay no attention. It's simple nervousness. I am a very nervous man, generally speaking. Em... I started blinking several years ago, in 1889. To be precise, September, the 13th, the very day my wife gave birth to our, so to speak, fourth daughter, Varvara. All my daughters were born on the 13th.

clears throat

I finished a long article entitled

But time at our disposal is strictly limited. I see I have digressed from the subject.

clears throat

I finished a long article entitled

Ohh... I must tell you, by the way, that my wife runs a boarding school. Well, not exactly a boarding school, but, eh, it's boarding school-ish.

clears throat

I finished a long article entitled

You know, just between us, my wife likes to complain about "hard times", but she has managed to put together a... nest egg of some forty or fifty thousand rubles!!! Hmm... As for me,

chuckles

I finished a long article entitled

I haven't a kopek to my name, not a penny.

laughs

I finished a long article entitled

Eh, well, what's the use of dwelling on that? At the school, it is my lot to look after the housekeeping. I buy supplies, keep an eye on the servants, balance the budget, stitch together the learning books, exterminate the bedbugs, take my wife's little dog for walks.

heh-heh

I finished a long article entitled

Catch the mice. Ooh, just the other day, it fell to me to give the cook flour and butter for today's breakfast. Well, to make a long story short, this morning, my wife came to the kitchen and said that three students would not be eating the breakfast, as they had swollen glands. So, it seems we had a few too many pancakes! What to do with them? First, my wife said, "Store them away," and then she thought a while, and she said, "You eat those pancakes, you scarecrow!!!" When she is out of humor,

laughs

that is what she calls me

"scarecrow,"

chuckles

that is what she calls me

or "viper," or "devil." What sort of devil am I? She's always "out of humor". I didn't eat those pancakes. I wolfed them down. I am always hungry. The other day, she gave me no dinner. She says, "What's the use of feeding you, you scarecrow?!" However, I have strayed from my subject.

chuckles

that is what she calls me

Let us continue.

clears throat

that is what she calls me

But some of you, I'm sure, would rather hear a romance, or a symphony, or an aria-- "We shall not shrink In the heart of battle Forward, beeeeeee stroooooooong" I forgot what that is from.

sniffles, clears throat

that is what she calls me

Oh, by the way,

chuckles

that is what she calls me

I should tell you that at my wife's school, you know apart from looking after the bookkeeping, my duties include teaching mathematics and physics, and chemistry, and geography, history, solfeggio, literature, and so forth, so forth, so forth. For dancing, singing, and drawing, my wife charges extra, although the singing and dancing master is... is yours truly.

clears throat

that is what she calls me

Our school is located at Dog Alley, number 13. I suppose that is why my life has been so unlucky. I live in house number 13, all my daughters were born on the 13th, I think I told you, and our house has thirteen windows!!!

high-pitched wheezing laugh

that is what she calls me

So, in short, what's the use?

high-pitched wheezing laugh

that is what she calls me

Appointments with my wife may be made for any hour, and the prospectus may be had for 30 kopeks. House number 13. I'm a failure. I've grown old and miserable. Here I am, lecturing, and to all appearances somehow enjoying myself, but I tell you I have such an urge

whispering

that is what she calls me

to scream at the top of my lungs, to run away to the ends of the earth... There is no one to talk to. I want to weep. Oh, but what about your daughters, you say, eh? Well, what about them? I try to talk to them, they only laugh. My wife has seven daughters. Seven!!! No, sorry. No, it's only six. Yeah, it's six. No, wait. It is... uh... Anna, the eldest, is 27 and the youngest is... 17?

clearing throat, 'ahem'

that is what she calls me

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen... Ladies and gentlemen, I am miserable. Miserable. I have become a fool, a non-entity. But still, all in all, you see before you the happiest of all fathers. Why shouldn't I be?! And who am I to say I am not?

laughing half-heartedly

that is what she calls me

If you only knew... I have lived with my wife for 33 years, and, I can say they are the best years of my life. Well, maybe not the best years of my life, but uh, the best years of my life... -ish. They have passed, as it were, in a... Well, to hell with them!

laughs

that is what she calls me

You know, I don't think my wife has arrived yet. She is not here. So, I am free to say what I want, heh! I am afraid...

whispers

that is what she calls me

I am terribly afraid when she looks at me. But we were talking about our daughters.

laughs

that is what she calls me

Yes. They don't get married, probably because they're so shy, and also because men can never get near them. My wife doesn't give parties. She never invites anyone to dinner. She's a stingy, shrewish, ill-tempered old biddy, and that is why no one comes to see us, But, I can tell you confidentially, hmm, on holidays, my daughters can be seen at the home of their aunt, Natalia. Hmm? It's the one with the rheumatism that always wears the yellow dress with the black spots that look like cockroaches. There, you can eat. And, uh...

crinkling paper

that is what she calls me

If my wife happens not to be looking, then you shall see me, you know.

laughs

that is what she calls me

You'll see I can get tipsy on just one glass. And then, I am so happy and at the same time so sad.

troubled laugh

that is what she calls me

It's, it's unimaginable. I think of my youth, and then, somehow, I long to run away. If you only knew how I long to do it! To run away, to be free of everything, to run without ever looking back. Where? Anywhere, so long as it is away from that vile, mean, cheap life that has made me into a fool, a miserable idiot. To run away from that stupid, petty, hot headed, spiteful, nasty old miser, my wife, who has given me 33 years of torment! To run away from the music, the kitchen, the bookkeeping ledgers, all those mundane, trivial affairs. To run away and then stop somewhere far, far away on a hill, and to stand there, like... like a tree, a pole, a scarecrow, under the great sky and the still, bright moon, and to forget, simply forget. Oh, how I long to forget!

breathing audibly

that is what she calls me

Ahhh...

laughing bitterly

that is what she calls me

How I long to rip off this frock coat,

chuckles

that is what she calls me

this coat that I wore 33 years ago at my wedding, and that I still wear for lectures for public charity! Take that! And that! And that, and that!

flustered, frustrated vocalizations

breathing with exertion

that is what she calls me

I am a poor, shabby, tattered wretch,

weeping

that is what she calls me

like the back of this waistcoat. But I, I ask for nothing. I am better than that. I was young once. I went to university, I had dreams, I thought of myself...

weeping silently

that is what she calls me

as a man, but now... now, I want nothing. Nothing... but peace. Peace! She is here.

whimpers

that is what she calls me

My wife is in the wings waiting for me!

clears throat

that is what she calls me

I see our time is up.

chuckles

whispering

that is what she calls me

If she asks you, please, I beg you, I beg you, tell her that her scarecrow-- I mean, me-- behaved with dignity.

clears throat

falsely cheerful voice

that is what she calls me

Oh, she's looking right at me! Given that tobacco contains a terrible poison, which I have had the pleasure of describing to you, smoking should at all costs be avoided, and permit me to add my hopes that these observations on the harmfulness of tobacco will have been of some profit to you. And so, I conclude. Dixi et animam levavi! (I said and I lifted my soul)

whines

that is what she calls me

playful orchestra music

that is what she calls me

Narrator

"The Proposal." A Vaudeville in one act by Anton Pavlovich Chekhov.

Svetlana Stepanovna Chubukov

a widowed landowner.

Natalya Semyonovna Chubukov

her unmarried daughter.

Ivan Vasilevich Lomov

an unmarried friend and neighbor of the Chubukovs.

Narrator

The play takes place in the drawing room of the country estate of Svetlana Stepanovna Chubukov. Ivan Vasilevich Lomov enters the drawing room wearing tails and white gloves.

SVETLANA

My dove, my dear! Whom do I see here! Ivan Vasilevich! I am delighted! This is a surprise!

laughs

SVETLANA

Bless my heart, how are you?

IVAN

I thank you, and how are you?

SVETLANA

With the help of your prayers, et cetera, et cetera, not bad at all. I beg you, most humbly, to sit down. It is true wickedness to be inattentive to a neighbor. Oh, my God, my dove, why all this formality? In tails and gloves, et cetera. Where are you bound, my jewel?

IVAN

It is nothing. I came solely to visit you, dear Svetlana Stepanovna.

SVETLANA

But why, my charmer, in tails? Is this a New Year's visit?

IVAN

It is simply for this reason. I have come to you, dear Svetlana Stepanovna, with one single petition. I have had the honor of repeatedly turning to you for assistance...

yelling

IVAN

always you, but I-- Forgive me-- I am so anxious. I'll just take a sip of water. Dear, dear Svetlana Stepanovna.

SVETLANA

He has come to borrow money!

laughs cooly

SVETLANA

I shall not give it. What is it, my Adonis?

IVAN

You see, my dear Svetlana Stepanovna, I feel like a criminal... I mean, I am terribly anxious, as you see. In a word, you alone are able to help me, although, I do not even have the right to hope for your assistance

SVETLANA

Oh, don't pussyfoot around. Bless me, speak straight away. Well?

IVAN

At once, this very minute.

It comes down to this

I have come to ask for the hand of your daughter, Natalya Semyonovna.

SVETLANA

Oh, my dove. I am so happy, et cetera. Oh, for so long a time it has been my constant hope-- Always have I loved you, my angel, as my own son. May God grant you both concord, love, et cetera-- Oh, why am I standing here like a nitwit? I am overwhelmed by happiness! Totally overwhelmed! I'll call Natalya, et cetera, et cetera.

IVAN

Dear Svetlana Stepanovna, what do you think? Am I able to hope for her consent?

SVETLANA

Really, my Adonis... She will give her immediate consent! She is in love like a kitten, et cetera. Now!

IVAN

It's cold... I am as tense as if before an examination. The most important thing is this must be resolved. If one deliberates too long, wavers, even waits for an ideal or true love, such a one never marries, Brr... it is cold! Natalya Semyonovna is an outstanding... housekeeper, not bad looking, educated. What more do I need? A ringing has begun in my ears from this excitation. Mmm.

sipping water

IVAN

It is out of the question that I not marry... In the first place, I am already thirty-five years old, an age, as they say, that is critical. In the second place, I need a guided regular life. I have heart disease, a perpetually racing pulse... And now, my lips are quivering and my right eye is fluttering.

NATALYA

Oh! Oh, my God, it's you. But Mama said, "Go in, a traveling salesman has come."

laughs

NATALYA

Good day, Ivan Vasilevich.

IVAN

Good day, dear Natalya Semyonovna.

NATALYA

Oh, please excuse the apron and house dress; We are shelling peas for drying. Why have you been away for so long? Do you wish breakfast?

IVAN

No, thank you, I have eaten already.

NATALYA

Smoke? Matches? No. The weather is splendid. Yesterday, there was such a rain that the peasants were unable to accomplish anything. How many haycocks did you mow? Just imagine, I was so eager and apprehensive, I had the entire meadow cut. Now, I am not so pleased, for I fear the hay has molded. It would have been far better to wait. But what is this! You appearing in tails? What is happening? Are you on your way to ball? Where? Incidentally, you have become quite attractive-- It's true. Why are you in such dashing form?

IVAN

See here, my dear Natalya Semyonovna. The fact is that I have decided to ask you to-- hear me out-- of course, you will be astonished, even angry, but I--

whispering

IVAN

It is dangerously cold in here!

NATALYA

What is it? Well?

IVAN

I shall try to make it brief. Dear Natalya Semyonovna, it is quite true that I have had the honor of knowing your family for a very long time-- from my childhood. My late dear auntie and her spouse from whom I, as you well know, inherited the land, always bore the deepest respect for your mother and your late father. The Lomovs and the Chubukovs always have been on the closest of terms, one may even say we are almost like blood relations ourselves. As you well know, my land closely joins yours and pray, keep in mind that my little grassy meadow borders your birch wood.

NATALYA

I am sorry to interrupt but did you say, "Your grassy meadow?"

laughs

NATALYA

Indeed. Is it actually yours?

IVAN

Yes, mine.

NATALYA

Oh, really! The meadow is ours, not yours.

IVAN

No, mine, dear Natalya Semyonovna.

NATALYA

This is news to me. From what perspective is it yours?

IVAN

What do you mean, "from what perspective?" I am speaking of the grassy meadow, which runs between the birch wood and the dry marsh.

NATALYA

Yes, exactly; it's ours.

IVAN

No, you are mistaken, dear Natalya Semyonovna, it is mine.

NATALYA

Come to your senses, Ivan Vasilevich! Since when is it yours?

IVAN

What do you mean, "since when?" As far back as I remember, the meadow has always been ours.

NATALYA

Oh, forgive me, but that cannot be.

IVAN

It's all on paper, dear Natalya Semyonovna; the grassy meadow, it is true, at one time was in dispute but now it is accepted by all that the meadow is mine.

Please pay attention

the grandmother of my aunt gave this meadow, free and clear, to the peasants of the grandfather of your own father while the peasants were making bricks for her. These peasants of the grandfather of your own father had the use of the meadow without rent for a period of forty years, considering the property as their own until that time--

NATALYA

Your account is completely inaccurate. My own grandfather and great grandfather reckoned that their property reached back to the dry marsh, meaning that the grassy meadow was ours.

IVAN

I'll show you the papers, dear Natalya Semyonovna.

NATALYA

NO, no! You are simply teasing me. We have owned the land for nearly 300 years and suddenly you declare that the land is no longer ours! I simply do not believe what I hear! The grassy meadow is of no value to me; it is only about 13 1/2 acres-- and is not worth more than 300 rubles-- but injustice distresses me. Say what you will, but I am simply unable to endure injustice.

IVAN

Pay attention, I implore you! The peasants of the grandfather of your own father, as I had the honor to relate to you already, made bricks for the grandmother of my auntie. Auntie's grandmother wished to do them a kindness.

NATALYA

Aunties, grandfathers, grandmothers-- The meadow is ours and that is that!

IVAN

Mine!

NATALYA

Ours! Even if you bicker for two days, even if you put on 15 suits and tails, the meadow is ours-- ours-- OURS!

IVAN

Natalya Semyonovna, I don't need the meadow; it is the principle. If it is agreeable to you, please, accept the meadow from me.

NATALYA

I myself am able to give the meadow to you; it's mine. This is all very peculiar, Ivan Vasilevich. Until now we considered you a neighbor... a friend! Last year, we gave you our threshing machine and because of this, our own grain was not prepared until November! You treat us like, "whoa." You offer me my very own land. You spare me, but this is hardly neighborly. In my opinion, it's rude!

IVAN

According to you, I am a thief. Madame, I've never filched another's land and I shall never allow anyone to accuse me of that. The grassy meadow is mine!

NATALYA

Ours!

IVAN

Mine!

NATALYA

Untrue! I shall show you. Today, I shall send my mowers into that meadow.

IVAN

What?!

NATALYA

Today, my mowers will be there.

IVAN

And I will toss them out on their ears.

NATALYA

Don't you dare!

IVAN

The grassy meadow is mine! Understand? Mine!

NATALYA

Don't shout, please. You may shout and snort from spite in your own home, but here, you please conduct yourself with decency!

IVAN

Madame, if I were not now experiencing an excruciating and racing heart, a dreadful beating in my temples, I would address you quite otherwise! The meadow is mine!

NATALYA

Ours!

IVAN

Mine!

NATALYA

Ours!

IVAN

Mine!

SVETLANA

What's going on? What are you two shouting about?

NATALYA

Mama, please explain to this gentleman

to whom the grassy meadow belongs

to us or to him?

SVETLANA

My dear little rooster, the meadow is ours.

IVAN

My God, Svetlana Stepanovna, how could it be yours? At least, you might be reasonable. The grandmother of my aunt gave the meadow temporarily for the use of your grandfather's peasants. The peasants used the land for 40 years and used it as if it were theirs. When circumstances changed...

SVETLANA

Please, my dear jewel. You forget that the peasants did not pay your grandmother because at the time the meadow was in dispute, along with other affairs. But now, any dog knows that the meadow is really ours.

IVAN

I will prove to you that the meadow is mine.

SVETLANA

Oh, don't try to prove it, my pet!

IVAN

No, I shall prove it.

SVETLANA

I want nothing of yours, but I do not intend to lose anything of mine. What for? If things have come to such a pass, my darling, that you should sue for the meadow, et cetera, I would sooner give it to the peasants than to you!

IVAN

How do you have the right to give away the property of another?

SVETLANA

Really, young man, I am not accustomed to having anyone address me in that tone, et cetera. Young man, I am twice your age and I ask you not to address me with such provocation, et cetera.

IVAN

You call my land yours and then expect me to remain composed and address you in a civilized manner! Good neighbors do not act thus, Svetlana Stepanovna! In fact, you are not a neighbor, you are a thief!

pounds fist

SVETLANA

What! What did you say?

NATALYA

Mama, send the mowers to the meadow.

SVETLANA

Sir, what did you say?

NATALYA

The grassy meadow is ours; I will not hand it over, I will not!

IVAN

We shall see! I'll prove in court that the meadow is mine.

SVETLANA

Court? Of course! I know your type, you who lie in wait for a legal suit, et cetera! Oh, all your family were malicious litigators! All of them!

IVAN

Please do not abuse my family! The Lomov family is honorable. There was not one who found himself in court for embezzlement like your dear uncle!

SVETLANA

Indeed, all in the Lomov family were lunatics!

NATALYA

Every one! Every one! Every one!

SVETLANA

Your grandfather was a notorious drunkard and your younger auntie, Nastasya Michailovna, ran off with an architect, et cetera.

IVAN

But your mother was lop-sided!

in a wincing voice

IVAN

It has started in my side. There is a throbbing in my head. Gracious... Some water!

SVETLANA

Your father was a gambler and a glutton.

NATALYA

And your mean little auntie was a unique scandalmonger.

IVAN

My left leg is paralyzed. and you are a schemer. Oh, my heart!

groans

IVAN

And it is no secret that before the election you... you... you bright... in my eyes, stars!

NATALYA

How vulgar! Liar! How disgusting!

SVETLANA

You are a snide, two-faced, underhanded individual! You are, indeed!

IVAN

My heart... Where do I go out? Where is the door?! Oh, I am failing-- dying, it seems! My leg is paralyzed!

SVETLANA

May your leg never be again in my house!

NATALYA

Go to court! We shall see!

SVETLANA

Oh, the hell with it!

NATALYA

Such a scoundrel! And the Lomovs call themselves good neighbors!

SVETLANA

Blackguard! Scarecrow!

NATALYA

He appropriates another's land and then dares to quarrel about it.

SVETLANA

And this precious little goblin has even dared to make a proposal, et cetera...

laughs indignantly

SVETLANA

a proposal, indeed!

NATALYA

What kind of proposal?

SVETLANA

He, he, he, he came here to offer a proposal of marriage to you.

NATALYA

A proposal? For me? Why didn't you tell me earlier?

SVETLANA

That's why he was dressed in tails. Such a sausage. A mollusk!

NATALYA

For me? A proposal? Ahh... Bring him back! BRING HIM BACK!

SVETLANA

Bring whom back?

NATALYA

Be quick!

shrieking

NATALYA

Oh, I feel faint! Bring him back, bring him back! Bring him!

wailing

SVETLANA

Don't howl! I'm going!

NATALYA

Oh, what have we done? She must bring him back. She must bring him! Bring him!

SVETLANA

All right, he's coming. Oh, God, what it is to have a grown daughter! Oh, we have abused this man, shamed him, and driven him out. Well, speak with him!

IVAN

Terrible pulse rate-- My leg is numb. There is a throbbing in my side.

NATALYA

Oh, forgive us! Ivan Vasilevich, we became excited. You know, now I do recall the grassy meadow is yours.

laughs warmly

IVAN

My heart is racing-- my meadow-- both eyelids are twitching-

NATALYA

Yes, your, your, your meadow. Listen, we were wrong.

IVAN

It was the principle. To me, the land means little, but the principle much.

NATALYA

Yes, exactly.

breathily

NATALYA

The principle. Let's speak of other things.

IVAN

Because I have proof. The grandmother of my dear auntie--

NATALYA

Yes, yes, ENOUGH, enough about that. Ooh, I don't know how to begin. Are you soon off to a hunt?

IVAN

For black grouse, dear Natalya Semyonovna. After harvest time. Did you hear of my misfortune? My Ugadai-- oh, you know him-- began to limp.

NATALYA

Oh, what a pity! What happened?

IVAN

I don't know, perhaps a dislocation or perhaps another dog bit him. He is the best of dogs, to say nothing of his worth! I paid Mironov 125 rubles for him.

NATALYA

Oh, ho, ho!

laughing condescendingly

NATALYA

You paid too much, Ivan Vasilevich.

IVAN

I think he was very inexpensive. The dog, as you well know, is marvelous.

NATALYA

Mama paid 85 rubles for our Otkatai, and Otkatai is superior by far to your Ugadai.

IVAN

Otkatai superior to Ugadai?

Yes. - IVAN

Hah! Otkatai superior to Ugadai?

NATALYA

Well, certainly, he is superior! It's true, Otkatai is young. He is not fully matured, but in form, he is graceful and nimble. There is no better dog, even at the Volchanetsok's estate.

IVAN

I beg your pardon, Natalya Semyonovna, you have evidently forgotten that your Otkatai is slack jawed. Such a dog is always impossible to train.

NATALYA

Slack jawed?

forced laugh

NATALYA

This is the first time I've heard of this!

IVAN

I can assure you that his lower jaw is shorter than his upper.

NATALYA

Did you measure it?

IVAN

I have. He is suited for searching, but for retrieving, that is another matter.

NATALYA

In first place, our Otkatai is a thoroughbred Borzoi; as for your dull-hued, unclassifiable creature, he is a decrepit and deformed as a nag.

IVAN

Old, yes, but I would not take five of your Otkatais for him. Ugadai is a dog but your Otkatai is a... a joke! Such dogs as Otkatai abound everywhere. Twenty-five rubles would be the highest price for one of these.

NATALYA

Ivan Vasilevich, some spirit of conflict has taken possession of you today. You consider the grassy meadow yours; you consider Ugadai superior to Otkatai. I do not care for a person who ignores the truth. You know very well that Otkatai is 100 times better than your stupid Ugadai. Why do you speak so falsely?

IVAN

I see, Natalya Semyonovna, you consider me blind and silly, but you must admit that Otkatai is slack jawed.

NATALYA

Untrue!

IVAN

Slack jawed!

NATALYA

UNTRUE!

IVAN

Well, why are you shouting?

NATALYA

Why do you utter such rubbish?! It is disgusting. It is high time your Ugadai was shot; you dare speak about him in the same sentence as our Otkatai?

IVAN

My pulse is racing!

NATALYA

I have noticed that hunters who argue the most,

whispers

NATALYA

understand the least.

IVAN

I ask you to be silent. My heart is about to burst. Silence!

NATALYA

I will not be silent until you admit that our Otkatai is 100 times better than your Ugadai!

IVAN

One hundred times worse! I wish he were dead! My temples, my eyes, my shoulder.

NATALYA

There is no need for your Ugadai to be shot because he may as well already be dead!

IVAN

Silence, I am experiencing heart attack!!

yelling

NATALYA

I shall not be silent!

SVETLANA

What, again?

NATALYA

Mama, please tell me candidly and with a clear conscious, which dog is superior, our Otkatai or his Ugadai?

IVAN

Svetlana Stepanovna, I beg you,

tell me one thing

is your Otkatai slack jawed? Yes or no?

SVETLANA

What if it is so? It's not important. In the entire region there is not a better dog, et cetera.

IVAN

Isn't my Ugadai superior? Sincerely?

SVETLANA

Don't be upset, my jewel. Listen, your Ugadai has wonderful qualities. He is a real hunter, with strong slender legs and thin haunches, et cetera. Yet, if you really wish to know, my charmer,

this dog has two significant shortcomings

he is old and he has a short muzzle.

IVAN

Pardon me, but my pulse is racing.

NATALYA

Hah, racing pulse, what type of hunter are you? You should rest in a stove in the kitchen like a cockroach-- not hunt foxes. Racing pulse!

SVETLANA

Really, what type of hunter are you anyway? With your racing pulse, you should sit at home and not dangle in a saddle. Let's stop this exchange! You, in a word, are not a hunter!

IVAN

You consider yourself a hunter? You ride around just to curry favor with the Count and to scheme. Ahh, my heart! Conniver!

SVETLANA

What?

IVAN

Conniver!

SVETLANA

You whelp!

IVAN

You withered rodent!

SVETLANA

Silence, you wheezing little beetle.

IVAN

Of course, it is well known that-- oh, my heart-- that your late-- that you used to beat your late husband. Oh, my legs, oh, my temples.

SVETLANA

You are your housekeeper's doormat.

IVAN

My heart has ruptured! My shoulder, it's, uh, it's numb. In fact, where is my shoulder? I'm dying. A doctor! A doctor!!

NATALYA

Mama! Mama, what's happened to him? Oh, Mama, look! Mama! Ivan Vasilevich! Oh, he's dead!

SVETLANA

Who's dead? Good God! He really is dead, et cetera. I am lost! Oh, I should put a bullet through my head!

Svetlana cries

SVETLANA

Oh, why haven't I plunged a knife into myself? Give me a knife! Give me a small pistol!

Svetlana weeps

SVETLANA

It seems he's coming out of it!

IVAN

Flashes! Fog! Where am I?

SVETLANA

Marry, marry, marry quickly! I give you my blessing, et cetera. She is agreed, et cetera. Only leave me in peace!

IVAN

What? Whom?

SVETLANA

She is agreed! Well, kiss and the, the hell with you.

NATALYA

He lives, oh, he lives! Yes, yes, I agree!

SVETLANA

Kiss each other!

IVAN

Ah! Whom? Pardon me, but what is happening? Ah, yes, I remember my heart and the flashes. Oh, I am so happy. My leg, it is paralyzed.

NATALYA

I also am happy.

SVETLANA

Oh, what a load off my shoulders.

NATALYA

But, um listen, Ivan Vasilevich, you must admit after all that your Ugadai is worse than our Otkatai.

IVAN

Better!

NATALYA

Worse.

IVAN

Better!

NATALYA

Worse.

SVETLANA

The beginning of domestic tranquility and bliss!

IVAN

Better!

NATALYA

Worse!

IVAN

Better!!

NATALYA

Worse!!

IVAN

Better!!!

NATALYA

Worse!!!

shouts them down

SVETLANA

Champagne! Champagne! Champagne!

upbeat classical music

applause

laughter

applause and laughter

SVETLANA

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I was crying, I was laughing so hard! Oh, my God, you guys are amazing. I wanna bring out, oh, thank you so much, and D.D., I'm so sorry, I didn't say your name at the top. Oh, my God, you're amazing. Thank you, it was just a complete joy. Okay, we should bring out Aaron Posner, director. Give him a round of applause. (people applauding) C'mon, Aaron, come on out.

cheering

Aaron

Do you hear me? We can hear you.

Brenda

We can't see you though.

Aaron

Oh, there I am.

cheering

Aaron

Hello. Hi, how was that to watch, Aaron? It was terrific. Great job you guys, outstanding, excellent, excellent work. Amazing, you guys are amazing. You all look so-- not that this is important-- but y'all look really beautiful, too.

laughter

Aaron

We should take some questions from the audience, but first, does anybody have anything they wanna say? I love you all. Okay, look yes, D.D., what?

Daniel

I know you said it,

but I wanna say it as an actor

Thank you, thank you for being here, and thank you for letting us entertain you. Thank you.

Tracy

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Brenda

It feels so good to make something, doesn't it, you guys, right now? Feels so good to make something? Yeah. You guys made something great. Okay, so Carey Cannon, are you on? Do you have questions for us to answer?

Carey

I'm here, yeah, there's a bunch of questions that have come in while you all were working in our intermissions, and they're kind of in a couple of categories. So, I'd love to start with, it's about the mediums, so Lyman and Deanna Welch say, "How does it feel to read a play, rather than acting in full costume on stage?" Brian, you're not on mute. You're still on, your mic's muted, just so you know. What's that feel like? What's that feel like, Jim Ridge? What's the biggest difference for you?

Jim

Well, we do, we get to do the readings already, in the recent history of APT doing the 'Winter Words.' So, in many ways, this is similar, in that we're really just trying to focus on the words in the text. We can't see anyone.

laughter

Jim

That's weird.

Brenda

Yeah, right, what else? Brian, what's it like for you down there in your basement?

Brian

I'm actually not in the basement.

Brenda

Oh!

Brian

But it feels strange that, that quality of speaking at the target which is here. It's like we're in regular rehearsal with, when it's just you and the director, and it's maybe a funny piece, and you're doing it alone and there's no one else in the room. You and the stage manager and the director, and the director is telling you, this is gonna be funny. Don't worry about it.

people chuckling

Brian

But you have no proof.

people chuckling

Brian

You have no clue.

Brenda

It was really funny. I mean, I've watched it several times. It was really funny. Yeah, Colleen, what do you think?

Colleen

Well, it's very different, so at the very, you know, the very least it's very different. But as, as Brian says, so your target is here, but since we're reading, so I would see Marcus's face about here, but my text is here. So it's kind of funny and so I would be scrolling and looking, scrolling and looking. That's, it's a 21st Century skill for sure. Like, you're really good at that, but I'm not great at it yet.

Brenda

Right, anybody else on that?

Carey

I should report that Mark Timmerman says, "It looks like the actors are off book and not reading. Is that possible?" Well done reading, friends.

Brenda

How are you, explain those because, we had a lot of conversations about this technically, about how to get the script up, because we're all such technical wizards, us folks-- I'll just speak for me. How to get the script up on your screen? I mean, explain what that is, like the script. Some people have the script on the whole screen, or is everybody's split screen, or what's going on?

Brian

I don't have mine across all the way. I've got mine about a third wide, right in the middle. And then I scrunch up the Zoom room and put it over, down to my left. So I can click either my mute or my video button. And that, but then once I click on my script, that's the prominent thing and I can just see, over to my left, I can just see the screen a little bit. So I know that when I can see this color wall, over there, I know that I'm on, so.

Brenda

Sarah Day, how's this journey been for you, Dame Day?

Sarah

Well, it's been an incredibly lovely learning curve.

laughing

Sarah

I don't think it's quite a phobia of technology I have. But it's, it's been fun, it's been fun and frustrating, in all the ways that are, like a toddler learning, like taking first steps. So it's felt good.

Carey

Because we have, I just want to segue into another question, and it's sort of related. "Is that what it's like to rehearse, when you're not in the same space together?"

Colleen

At first, that was really strange and it's still certainly strange because of lag time,

stilted speech

Colleen

and--sometimes people's--video--is--like--this. But, as you all know, it's been such an isolated time, and when we did get this grant, the PPP grant, and started to work together, it was such, it was like a drink of cool, cool delicious water to get to see all my family and my friends again. I mean it's fun, and getting to work with Aaron, I mean, we laughed so much these last few days. It was so much fun, I just wanna be in all the rehearsals whether or not I have a role, because it's just such a relief to see our friends and talk. Right. You know, we get to work for sure. You know, it's mostly work, but we check in with each other and say, how's it going, and get a chance to, you know, cover that ground.

Aaron

Part of what's weird about the whole thing is that the whole thing that we do anyway is so weird. Like, like that, getting together in rooms and pretending to be other people. When I try and describe to people, what a job of a director is, is like, oh, well, you know, I hang out with people and say, "Not wild about the way you're pretending right now. I'd like you to pretend a little different, if you might." And that that's an actual job, and like adding the level of disconnective technology is just one more weird thing that we're supposed to be able to do, simultaneously while pretending to make up these words, while pretending to be in Russia, while pretending to, that we can actually like, that we're just inventing this while not running into things. So it's, it is so strange, but when you think about how strange what we do all the time is, it's not that much stranger.

Tracy

You may have just noticed that I left because my light on my face is so bright that I can almost not look at myself on the screen. It's just too much, and I turned the light off and then you couldn't see me at all. So one thing, so one thing we had to learn, how to do this week, in addition to just do the job that we do, which is to act, is that we had to learn and learn all the technology, we had to become our own set designer, lighting designer, costume designer, makeup person.

laughs

Brenda

We miss those guys, don't we?

Colleen

Yes.

Brenda

We wish you were here.

Tracy

All week, we were rehearsing and my light was fine in the room-- We're all in our own homes, obviously. And Marcus is downstairs and I'm upstairs in our house and Jim is across town because they couldn't-- they have competing Internet situations. So, but all week this light was fine in this room and then all of a sudden yesterday, I was like, "Oh, Tracy, it's too bright." So, if you could see this room I have, I have thumbtacked into my walls, all around the windows, I have thumbtacked sheets and, like, old curtains to cover the light that was too bright and now it's too dark and I turned a bright light on, and I'm blind. So it's been quite a learning curve.

Carey

Technical challenges. We did we did have a couple of questions before we run out of time about the selection of these plays. Both when we, whether APT has produced these before? There's also a question that I thought was funny, I'm trying to find from Jim, saying for Aaron, "Were there changes you made in the script to adapt to this medium, is the "ish" an Aaron Posner-ism?" "When did we produce these before?" "If we have, did anybody play these roles before, and what is APT's history with these Chekhov's?"

Brenda

I know that we, I know that,-- Well, I don't know if Aaron added the "ishes." We'll talk about that off camera, Aaron. I'm just kidding!

laughs

Brenda

But Sarah Day, I want Sarah Day to take the question about the history of these plays.

Sarah

This set of plays was first produced by APT with a translation by a man named John Wyatt in 1985, and then they were done again with a change of cast in 1986. And I was, I'm the only one kind of leftover from that sort of era and I was not in either of these before. But Ted Swetz was in it and Randy Kim and Anne Occhiogrosso and Steven Helmicki and yeah, so, oh, Terry Kerr was in it.

Brenda

Right, right.

Sarah

Yeah.

Brenda

Aaron, so we toss these to you. I mean, this happened-- You guys all know, this happens-- Every day we get on Zoom and I'd be like, okay, so today we're going to... and the actors are like, "Okay, okay, okay, here we go." And they were so willing to do the daily change up of what was happening. But we tossed these over to Aaron and you were writing until two days before, you were writing something else you had a deadline on. Aaron's are very, very prolific writer, very successful writer as well as a wonderful director and friend, but he was busy. So we handed them over to him and I don't know exactly how much time, or you said you were thinning them, is what you said to me.

Aaron

Yeah, this was not an adaptation of these. This is the energy, and the style, and the tenor of the stories in this adaptation-- I mean, in this in this translation, so they're both longer. They are, they were, you know designed for a different time. So similar to what one does, I think often translators of Chekhov, or Shaw, or earlier plays, thins them out and brings them into a different, slightly different, more contemporary rhythm or energy. All we did is we trimmed some. So the rest, it's the Chekhov. It's not a, it's not a re-imagining of it.

Brenda

Right, right.

Aaron

And nor did we really, nor could we really adapt for this art form. Like, we just had to try and make it work as best we can, within this style. I am sure, in various cities around the country and around the world right now, people are continuing to try all kinds of new things about the full performance potential of Zoom and of other mediums. I know of a couple people who are literally trying to create new platforms for performance right now to replace Zoom, and there'll be new generations of it. But right now, we're like, when you have actors this strong, and a theater where the text is the king, then what we were doing here is saying, let's explore this text with these people and see what will reveal itself, not, how clever can we be with the Zoom room?

Brenda

Yeah, yes, please, D.D..

Daniel

And going back to our first question about 'how is this different?' Something that Aaron said, well, actually, you as well, Brenda, a couple of days ago, that all the technical difficulties we were having and trying to figure it out, what can we do this and both of you said, none of this matters,

Zoom beeps

Daniel

none of this matters, because what's most important is that we're just going to be out there with them. Because when I got to the company, we went through 9/11.

Brenda

That's right.

Daniel

It was a huge thing for our country. And then, later on, as a APT family, we lost Jen, which was a huge moment for us. This is another one of those huge country moments where, like you and Aaron both said, it just doesn't matter. Can we just get together and laugh and tell some good stories? Because that that's the biggest part. A lot of times up on the hill we're, hey, we're doing this, and today, we're just like, oh, it's so good to see everybody. Let's have a great time. That's a big, that's a big part.

Brenda

Yep, the moment, the moment of connecting is so important and I know that I felt really selfish at first when we were just reading plays internally. You guys were on, and I would just go through the day of, kind of crazy making, and then I come in to those rehearsals and I would just feel my heart drop and my, my breath fall in and I would just forget, and get absorbed with you all and I could see your faces and I could feel your, your love, and I could feel the connection and I was like, okay. We gotta do this. We gotta do this for the people that are, you know, the best audience in the world and now we can't feel them but I hope they are enjoying. Marcus, you haven't said anything, you look scared, are you okay?

Marcus

No, I'm actually less scared than before I was doing.

all laughing

Brenda

Carey, is there something else?

Carey

We did have a kind of technical question. There are a couple of people who are interested in the backstage elements. Both when you referenced, Brenda, in your introduction about the taped intro, and about what kind of production help we used. What we learned along the way?

Brenda

Well, along the way is about 10 days. So, we have this incredible group, I always say you could, you know, drop them anywhere, they could organize it in about 15 minutes, and always look like it's not a big deal, which is the stage management troop. And they're used to having months to prepare for any kind of, you know, all the questions that might come to them and their job is to have the answers to those questions, right? And they, they were very, very brave, to step in and have no answers to the questions as we were learning these platforms back and forth. The opening sequence of the video and all that, that's the part that was taped earlier. But the reading tonight for those of you that were, and that I confused in my introduction, the reading tonight was live and we just taped it. And PBS Wisconsin is, our friends are on here right now taping this so they can take this, and put it up on their website for others to watch. So, and you guys are gonna be so excited to watch it. I know you all, all you actors, who's gonna watch it? Who's not gonna watch it?

Colleen

We'll probably watch it with our kids. Yeah, I'll cringe the entire time but, you know.

Brenda

Oh, my God, you'll die, how beautiful you look, you'll die. D.D., do you just have stuff hanging around your camera? Can you please show the audience what you have happening in your house right there? So we can see how you were looking like you weren't reading, and stuff. So he has...

David

My dad, my dad used to do this. A lot of actors have, would paste speeches on a chair behind a chair or in a step, and so I would do this and this was right above my camera. And so I can look, I'm looking very wistfully. I'm looking very wistfully and I look down here and I'm looking down this, my lines are taped all over.

laughing

Tracy

You're giving away all our tricks.

Daniel

I thought a long time about projecting them on the back wall of my basement so I could just see the whole thing. Like, I can be wide-eyed the whole time.

Brian

Very Brando-esque.

David

Oh, wait, look at Tracy's.

Tracy

Yes, this is my dead husband, but it's actually the monologue that I...

laughter

Tracy

When I was talking to him, I was just reading.

I was impressed. - Brenda

I was, too!

Aaron

I thought you guys were all off-book. I was-- I am shocked.

Brenda

Yeah, my phone blew up and I was like, "I thought this was a reading." I wanna say, hi, Ted, and Gina and Trinny are watching right now.

all cheering

all blowing kisses

Carey

Sandoval has a question. Trinny wants to know whose idea the accents were? I know that Eva Breneman was responsible for getting them sounding as good as they did, but whose idea were those Russian accents?

Brian

Someone in Russia had those, that idea.

Tracy

Somebody started.

Brenda

Somewhere, somewhere in Russia those accents were, they were somewhere in Russia, it's a big country. So D.D., was it your, did you bring that to the table?

Daniel

Oh, I don't, Aaron?

Tracy

Liar!

Colleen

I think it was Aaron? Aaron?

Aaron

Well let's be clear, no one did Russian accents when they originally did these pieces except D.D.. Then D.D. didn't really want to, nor did anybody else. But I sort of thought it would be fun.

all laughing

Aaron

Now, you know, Chekhov wrote these pieces for fun. This is not, this is not, maybe, his deepest work.

all laughing

Aaron

Although, you know, he can't help but get a little depth and a little truth in there. And the accents just felt like a more fun way to engage with this material at this moment, in this. So, yeah, but I think it is D.D.'s fault, is my point.

Brenda

You had to play to that cigar though. I mean, you had to meet that cigar where it was, so you know, the accents helped to heighten it.

Colleen

I expected a little cigarillo, cigarillo.

Brenda

I know, but the cigar was better. The cigar ended up being better, I think. Now, we'll never know.

Carey

The backstage costuming and props and how much of that was invented in this space? What was, what was the design process for this different medium? And how long did we rehearse all this, as asks, Mary?

Brenda

Four days, four days rehearsal? Four, five days, four days and then we started running it, right. We ran it yesterday a couple times.

Four days. - Brenda

Four days?

Colleen

I mean, I think the design is mostly Aaron saying, "I hate what's behind you, can you put a sheet up there?"

laughter

Aaron

Although the costume design was very similar to the way people costume yourself for rehearsals, yes? I mean, this is the sort of like, I'm going to live in more or less something that makes me, that takes me into the world of the play, without worrying about the details of the period exactly. But something sort of, "ish."

Brenda

"Ish," I think that we talked a lot about, because we couldn't have design meetings clearly, or designers. I think we talked a lot about, this week, what the line was with these things, like how far and how far can you go in making full choices and once you go to a certain, in any respect, once you go too far and take it away from being a reading so much, then the expectations are, the whole thing starts to morph. And that was true in the costume world, too when we talked, right?

Aaron

The serious answer has something to do with integrity and core integrity of APT in its focus on text, and story, and actors. And so how did we match, how could we match that in this setting? And not design too much, and not worry too much about details that, but yet, let the design be supportive. Let it not get in our way, but let's keep the focus where the focus belongs. And that's what I think guided us to the best of our ability.

Brenda

Yeah, I think the authenticity of it, like, authentically, everyone looks like they own these things and have these things in their home. Like we didn't run out and costume things. Because we are in our homes, and we're trying to tell stories from our home. So it felt authentic in that respect as well.

Carey

How much are you able to see and respond to each other? There was a risk that it looked like, from one of the, Linda says, "Did you see the other actors in the scene, your facial expressions were superb, and looked like you're responding to each other's faces?

Brian

There were, oh, D.D.?

Aaron

You're muted, D.D..

laughter

Daniel

I love spending time with my partners.

all laughing

Brian

There were a few times when we figured out the math of when someone new came in, are they to my left, or are they to, down below me? So there were a couple of times when, like, Tracy and I exchanged some looks where we glanced each other up and down and then looked forward.

Tracy

But it's funny because in our screen, we were looking in the same direction. So we had to rely on outside eyes to tell us, that's true.

Brian

We never saw what that ended up looking like. So we just trusted that, that's how it looked, so.

Brenda

Marcus, could you see, could you see Colleen, Marcus?

Marcus

Yeah.

Brenda

You could see her, and yeah.

Marcus

I just put them, I made the screen, I kind of minimized the screen to the top of the screen so it was closest to the camera. So when I looked in, I would be looking at the, I also tried to get a couple of the wafts in from her cigar smoke.

Brenda

Right, those simple things are really fun. What else you got, Carey Cannon?

Carey

I've got a lot of really lovely, lovely notes.

Brenda

Read some of them, read some of them.

Carey

Dale Smith, our Dale Smith, says, "This was amazing!" Hold on, I lost it. "This medium so totally works with actors this strong. Thank you." Christine Nelson says, "This was fabulous. "Thank you so much. "Wondering, have you announced the dates "for Public TV access? "Wondering when's okay to tell people. "It's going to get rave reviews. Thanks again." Nancy, our dear Nancy McDaniel says, "Love you all guys, love you guys all so much. "What a treat to see you all and hear these plays, thank you." Mike and Carey Wilkie says, "Very very well done. "APT has launched itself brilliantly into a new medium. Really, so wonderful to see you all again." "We laughed and laughed," says Michael and Susan Shaw. Really, lots of, I'm gonna try to find a way to save this all, so you can see it, since everybody was so nervous before it started. "No questions, just bravo!" says Charles Cohen. "We enjoyed this so much, thank you for doing this," says Dan and Lisa Iman.

Brenda

That's fantastic.

Carey

"Bravo, I expected a lot of you but that was most impressive," says Mary Williams. So, lots of lovely comments.

Brenda

So, we'll be doing, can I tell people what we're doing next? We're gonna do a little Shakespeare next, so there'll be many more actors on the screen, and it will be a whole different experience, because it'll have a lot more boxes up there sometimes. And I think that the, you know, the whole play. I have a lot of the directors that are doing the other parts of the series are watching tonight to learn, so Aaron, thank you.

Carey

We are okay to announce the whole lineup, it's okay to announce, Brenda, if you'd like to.

Brenda

Oh, I can! Okay, awesome.

Carey

Yes, you can, let them know the full lineup. So, next week, we're doing "As You Like It," a shortened version. Everything will be around, you know, between 90 minutes and two hours. And then the next week, we're doing-- And that would be directed by John Langs. And then we are doing a Shaw piece because our audience loves Shaw and our actors are so good at it. And we'll be doing "Arms and the Man," and Bill Brown will be directing that. And then we're doing, is it "Julius Caesar" next? Sure.

Brenda

"Julius Ceasar," and Stephen Brown-Fried is going to be directing that, and that's going to be, just the sheer volume of humans, and parts, and there's a Foley artist involved in that. So that's really exciting. And then, we're doing a piece by Carlyle Brown called "Are You Now or Have You Ever Been?" with Gavin Lawrence playing Langston Hughes, which is a beautiful piece full of poetry, and D.D., David Daniel will be directing that, giving Gavin all his tricks. And then last but not least, a couple weeks ago, a few weeks ago, Jimmy started, got thinking about the plague, and he wrote a play for the company. Six actors, it's called, what's it called? "Improbable Fiction." - "An Improbable Fiction." "An Improbable Fiction." And it's about Shakespearean characters in search of an author, six Shakespearean characters in search of an author, and it's some of our favorite Shakespearean characters, quarantined together, or all, all in a bar together, at the Boar's Head with Mistress Quickly with Sarah Day and Brian Mani is in that and Tracy's in that. So that's being directed by Tim Ocel, and we're really excited that we're that we're having something new out here as well. So it's a lineup and these guys are working so hard. But as you can see, they make it look really easy. So one last question.

Carey

We're mostly getting adulation at this point.

all laughing

Carey

"Bravo and thank you," from Gary, Gary Wigoda just came in. I think we got to address everything that came in, in terms of questions. Yeah, and I think, I will say that June 5th, we are thinking is the launch of these, right around the time that we would all be walking up the hill for opening night and we know that's not going to happen. So we wanted to just say, we want to just say, hello to everyone and please spread the word. And won't it feel so good when we can? When we can walk up the hill and see each other in person? For now, this will never take the place of it, But for now, it's really good. It's really good, to be together. So thank you, thank you, everyone, for coming tonight. Thank you all the actors. Thank you, Aaron. Thank you, Eva. Thank you, staff. We'll see you next week. We'll see you next week. Hang in there, stay safe. Stay safe, stay safe. Bye, thank you, everybody.

Announcer

Funding for APT's "Out of the Woods" is provided by Boardman Clark Law Firm, Arcadia Books, Dane Arts, Nancy A. McDaniel, Natural Resources Foundation of Wisconsin, Orange Tree Imports, Wilson Creek Pottery, Focus Fund for Wisconsin Programming, and Friends of PBS Wisconsin.