PBS Wisconsin Music & Arts

Announcer

Funding for APT's "Out of the Woods" is provided by Boardman Clark Law Firm, Arcadia Books, Dane Arts, Nancy A. McDaniel, Natural Resources Foundation of Wisconsin, Orange Tree Imports, Wilson Creek Pottery, Focus Fund for Wisconsin Programming, and Friends of PBS Wisconsin.

whippoorwills singing

crickets chirping

Announcer

classical trumpet music

Announcer

discordant piano notes

Announcer

This cannot be right.

exasperated sigh

Announcer

Did I-- Am I, am I? Okay...

shaking sound

Announcer

strumming harp

Announcer

Uh, can you tell me if the lens is scratched or is that my glasses?

Dad

Get off the camera,

you've gotta get off. - Son

I know!

Dad

Son,

get off the camera. - Son

I'm about to win! -

man does vocal warm-up

get off the camera. - Son

I love my kids, I love my kids, I love my kids, I love...

overlapping voices

Man

Hey, Jimmy!

man does throat exercise

Man

Jimmy, you frozen? Places! I'm here, I'm here, coming! Places, everyone! This is places.

playful, expectant keyboard music

Man

Oh, hey, what's up Marcus? How ya doing? Good luck, everybody!

birds warbling, crickets chirping

Man

bird chirping

Brenda

Hi, everybody, hello. Welcome again for those of you that are joining us again. This is our third of our six-- reading of six plays in our series for "Out of the Woods." Thank you so much for being with us tonight. We've had such an amazing response to this. It's-- The emails and the texts are really heartening and we appreciate you so much for sharing. I have to do a shout out right away because we got an email from John and Susan Nelson, who are longtime fans, and they told us that every Sunday night, they dress up which means they don't-- They stated they do not wear sweats. That's a dressing up must be. And they are watching our plays, they have a big meal. And I just think that's amazing that you made it a little ritual out of this. So thank you for sharing that. And thank you all for being here. If you haven't been able to watch our series up to this point, or you'd like to watch them again, you're in luck. We're so grateful that PBS Wisconsin has chosen to partner with us and they're going to be putting these up on their website starting on June 5th. On Friday night, June 5th, the first one, the one we did a couple weeks ago, which is the Chekhov One Acts, they'll come out on the Friday night, and subsequently every other-- every Friday night from then on until July 10, they will be up and you can binge watch all of them through the 19th of July. So we're really excited for that partnership. We're really excited that people will be able to share these with your friends, and they're free and that's really important to us. So we're excited that you are all watching tonight so you can tell people about it I wanna say thank you, a shout out, to a lot of people real quick. We had this idea in the middle of-- just a few weeks ago and the staff jumped on board and they made it possible for you all to be registered here tonight watching and thank you! We have the best staff in the whole world. Also, I want to say thank you to the backstage crew, which is Jacki Singleton, and Evelyn Matten, our incredible stage managers, Jake Penner and Carey Cannon, who are the artistic team who do everything so well. And I appreciate you so much, thank you so much! A shout out to the guys who made the video, Chris Corkery and Jack Whaley. Thank you so much for that! The video you saw at the top, that little entrance video-- they did that for us for free. So thank you guys. It's important to say thank you to the sponsors, our season sponsors. These guys have stayed with us as our season has shifted, of course, and their generosity and support and confidence in us is everything and I know them, many of them personally, and I say they are great people, but they're even better stewards of our institution and I'm going to say their names right now. Stephen & Laurel Brown Foundation, Doug and Sherry Caves, JJJ productions Kasieta Legal Group, Sherry and Rick Lundell, Ann and Fred Moore, Nelson-Jameson, Allison and Dale Smith, Steve Brown Apartments, the Mr. and Mrs. C.J. Williams Storage Foundation, and U.S. Bank. Thank you so much. And last but not least, I want to thank the artists, they're perfectionist, they love their rehearsal. They make it look easy what they do. It's not easy what they do. And tonight in the reading, they have to kind of throw caution to the wind and go with their instincts and be recorded and put online for everybody to see, and I think that they are the best actors in the world. And I and I know that they're the best people so I want to say thank you to you all. And thank you, Bill Brown, for taking on this project tonight and Eva Brenneman for doing text work tonight. You're both amazing and lovely and wonderful people, too. So I appreciate you all. So without further ado, I'm wanna tell you to enjoy tonight's reading of George Bernard Shaw, "Arms and the Man."

birds chirping

Brenda

Raina, Raina, where, why. Oh, heavens, child, are you out in the night air instead of in your bed? Well, you'll catch your death. Louka told me you were asleep. I sent her away. - Huh? I wanted to be alone. The stars are so beautiful! Oh... What is the matter? -

gasps

Brenda

Such news. There has been a battle! Ah-hah! A great battle at Slivnitza! A victory! And it was won by Sergius. Ah! Oh, mother! Is father safe? Of course, he sent me the news. Sergius is the hero of the hour, the idol of the regiment. Tell me, tell me. How was it! Oh, mother, mother, mother! You can't guess how splendid it is. A cavalry charge, think of that! He defied our Russian commanders, acted without orders, led a charge on his own responsibility, headed it himself, was the first man to sweep through their guns. Oh, can't you see it, Raina? Our gallant splendid Bulgarians with their swords and eyes flashing, thundering down like an avalanche and scattering the wretched Serbs and their dandified Austrian officers like chaff. And you, you kept Sergius waiting a year before you would be betrothed to him. Oh, if you have a drop of Bulgarian blood in your veins, you will worship him when he comes back. What will he care for my poor little worship after the acclamations of a whole army of heroes? But no, no matter. I'm so happy, so proud! It proves that all our ideas were real after all. Our ideas real what do you mean? Our ideas of what Sergius would do, our patriotism, our heroic ideals. Oh, what faithless little creatures girls are! I sometimes used to doubt whether they were anything but dreams. When I buckled on Sergius's sword he looked so noble it was treason to think of disillusion or humiliation or failure. And yet, and yet. Promise me you'll never tell him. Don't ask me for promises until I know what I am promising. Well, it came into my head just as he was holding me in his arms and looking into my eyes, that perhaps we only had our heroic ideas because we were so fond of reading Byron and Pushkin, and because we were so delighted with the opera that season at Bucharest. But life is so seldom like that, indeed never, as far as I knew it then. Only think, mother, I doubted him. I wondered whether all his heroic qualities and his soldiership might not prove mere imagination when he went into a real battle. I had an uneasy fear that he might cut a poor figure there beside all those clever Russian officers. A poor figure! Oh, shame on you! The Serbs have Austrian officers who are just as clever as our Russians but we have beaten them in every battle for all that. Yes, I was only a prosaic little coward. Oh, to think that it was all true, that Sergius is just as splendid and noble as he looks. -

mother laughs

Brenda

The world is really a glorious world for women who can see its glory and men who can act its romance! Oh, what happiness! What unspeakable fulfillment! Ah! Madam, all the windows are to be closed and the shutters made fast. They say there may be shooting in the streets. The Serbians are being chased right back through the pass and they say they may run into the town. Our cavalry will be after them and our people will be ready for them you may be sure, now that they are running away. I must see that everything is made safe downstairs. I wish our people were not so cruel. What glory is there in killing wretched fugitives? Cruel! Do you suppose they would hesitate to kill you, or worse? Leave the shutters so that I can just close them if I hear anything. Oh, no, no, no, dear, you must keep them fastened. You would be sure to drop off to sleep and leave them open. Make them fast, Louka. Yes, madam. Don't be anxious about me. The moment I hear a shot, I shall blow out the candles and roll myself up in bed with my ears well covered. Quite the wisest thing you can do, my love. Good night. - Good night. Wish me the joy of the happiest night of my life,

laughs giddily

Brenda

if only there are no fugitives. Oh, go to bed, dear, and don't think of them. If you would like the shutters open, just give them a push like this. One of them ought to be bolted at the bottom, but the bolt's gone. Thanks, Louka, but we must do as we are told. Good night. Good night. Oh, Sergius, I shall never be unworthy of you anymore,

kissing picture

Brenda

my hero, never, never, never. Sergius! My hero! My hero!

blowing out candle

person breathing fast, panting

Brenda

Who's there? Who's there?! Who is that?!

Man

Sh-sh! Sh-sh! Sh-sh! Don't call out or you'll be shot. Be good and no harm will happen to you. No, take care, there's no use in trying to run away. But who... Remember, if you raise your voice my pistol will go off. Now, strike a light and let me see you. Do you hear? Excuse my disturbing you but you recognise my uniform, huh-- Serbian. If I'm caught, I shall be killed. Do you understand that? - Yes. Well, I don't intend to get killed if I can help it. Do you understand that? I suppose not. Some soldiers, I know, are afraid to die. All of them, dear lady, all of them, believe me. It is our duty to live as long as we can, and to kill as many of the enemy as we can. Now if you raise an alarm... You will shoot me. How do you know that I am afraid to die? Ah, but suppose I don't shoot you, what will happen then? Why, a lot of your cavalry, the greatest blackguards in your army, will burst into this pretty little room of yours and slaughter me here like a pig for I should fight like a demon they shan't get me into the street to amuse themselves with. I know what they are! Are you prepared to receive that sort of company in your state of present undress? It's pretty scanty, eh? -

frightened fast breathing

Man

Stop, stop, stop, stop! Where are you going? Only to get my cloak. A good idea. No, no. I'll keep the cloak

tugging on cloak

Man

and you'll take care that nobody comes in and sees you without it. This is a better weapon than the pistol. It is not the weapon of a gentleman! It's good enough for a man with only you to stand between him and death.

assertive knocking on door

Man

Do you hear? If you are going to bring those scoundrels in on me, you shall receive them as you are.

RUSSIAN OFFICER

Open the door! Open the door! Wake up, will you! This is Major Petkoff's house. You can't come in here. What does this mean, sir? My lady, my lady! Get up, quick and open the door. If you don't, they will break it down. It's no use, I'm done for. Quick! Wrap yourself up, they're coming! Thank you. Don't mention it. What will you do? - Never mind. Keep out of the way. It will not last long. I'll help you. Hide yourself, oh, hide yourself, quick, behind the curtain. But, there is just half a chance, if you keep your head.

Remember

nine soldiers out of ten are born fools. If they find me, I promise you a fight, a devil of a fight! Madam! Louka! A man has been seen climbing up the water-pipe to your balcony, a Serb. The soldiers want to search for him and they are so wild and drunk and furious. My lady says you are to dress at once. And to be sure that-- - They shall not search in here. Why have they been let in? Raina, my darling, are you safe? Have you seen anyone or heard anything? I heard the shooting. Surely the soldiers will not dare come in here? I have found a Russian officer, thank Heaven! He knows Sergius. Sir, you will come in now! My daughter is ready. Good evening, gracious lady I am sorry to intrude, but there is a fugitive hiding on balcony. Will you and gracious lady, your mother, please do withdraw whilst we search? Nonsense, sir, you can see that there is no one on the balcony. -

shots ring out

Remember

Cease fire, cease firing, cease firing there, you fools, do you hear? Cease firing, damn you. Could anyone have gotten in without your knowledge? Were you asleep? No, I have not been to bed. Your neighbours have their heads so full of runaway Serbians that they see them everywhere. Gracious lady, a thousand pardons. Good-night. Don't leave my mother, Louka, whilst the soldiers are here.

gasping for breath

Remember

A near shave but a miss is as good as a mile. Gracious lady, your servant until death. I wish now that I had joined the Bulgarian army instead of the Serbian. I'm not a native Serbian. No, you are one of the Austrians who set the Serbians on to rob us of our national liberty, and who officer their army for them. We hate them! Austri-- Austrian! Not I, no. Don't hate me, dear young lady. I am only a Swiss, fighting merely as a professional soldier. I joined Serbia because it was nearest to me. Be generous you've beaten us hollow. Have I not been generous? Noble! Heroic! But I'm not saved yet. This particular rush will soon pass through but the pursuit will go on all night by fits and starts. I must take my chance to get off during a quiet interval. -

gunfire in background

Remember

You don't mind my waiting just a minute or two, do you? Oh, no, I am sorry you will have to go into danger again. Won't you sit? -

Raina startles

Remember

Don't frighten me like that. What is it? Your-- your pistol! It was staring that officer in the face all the time. What an escape! Oh, is that all? I am sorry I frightened you. I pray, take it to protect yourself against me. No use, dear young lady, there's nothing in it. It's not loaded. Load it, by all means. I've no ammunition. What use are cartridges in battle? I always carry chocolate instead and I finished the last cake of that yesterday. Chocolate! Do you stuff yourself with sweets-- like a schoolboy--even in the field? Yes. Isn't it contemptible? -

Raina scoffs

Raina

Allow me.

unwrapping crinkly foil

Raina

I am sorry I have eaten them all except these. You're an angel! -

man crunches on chocolate

Raina

Mmm!

laughs joyfully

Raina

Creams! Mmm! Delicious! Bless you, dear lady. You can always tell an old soldier by the inside of his holsters and cartridge boxes. The young ones carry pistols and cartridges, the old ones, grub. Thank you.

Raina moves abruptly

man startles

Raina

Ugh! Don't do things so suddenly. Don't revenge yourself because I frightened you just now. -

Raina laughs

Raina

Frighten me! Do you know, sir, that though I am only a woman, I think I am at heart as brave as you. Well, I should think so. You haven't been under fire for three days as I have. I can stand two days without showing it much but no man can stand three days I'm as nervous as a mouse. Would you like to see me cry? - No. If you would, all you have to do is to scold me as if I were a little boy and you were my nurse. If I were in camp, they'd playing all sorts of tricks on me. I'm sorry. I won't scold you. You must excuse me, our soldiers are not like that. -

man chuckles

Raina

Oh, yes, they are.

There are only two sorts of soldiers

old ones and young ones. I've served fourteen years, and half of your fellows never smelt powder before. Why, how is it that you've just beaten us? Sheer ignorance of the art of war, nothing else. I never saw anything so unprofessional in my entire life. Oh, was it unprofessional to beat you? Well, come, is it professional to throw a regiment of cavalry on a battery of machine guns, with the dead certainty that if the guns go off, not a horse or man will ever get within fifty yards of the fire? I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it. Did you see the great cavalry charge? Oh, tell me about it. Describe it to me. You never saw a cavalry charge before, did you? How could I? Perhaps not, yeah, of course. Uhh... Well, it's a funny sight. It's a little like slinging a handful of peas against a window pane. First, one comes, then two or three close behind him and then, all the rest in a lump. Yes,

first One

The bravest of the brave! Hmm! You should see the poor devil pulling at his horse. Why should he pull at his horse? It's running away with him, of course. Do you suppose that the fellow wants to get there before the others and be killed? Then they all come. You can tell the young ones by their wildness and their slashing. The old ones come bunched up under the number one guard. They know that they are mere projectiles, and that it's no use trying to fight. The wounds are mostly broken knees, from the horses cannoning together. Ugh! But I don't believe the first man is a coward. I believe he is a hero! Well, that's what you'd have said if you'd seen the first man in the charge today. -

Raina laughs giddily

first One

I knew it! Tell me, tell me about him. He did it like an operatic tenor. A regular handsome fellow, with flashing eyes and lovely moustache, shouting a war-cry and charging like Don Quixote at the windmills.

scoffs

first One

We nearly burst with laughter at him but when the sergeant ran up as white as a sheet, and told us they'd sent us the wrong cartridges, and that we couldn't fire a shot for the next ten minutes, we laughed at the other side of our mouths. I never felt so sick in my life, and I've been in one or two very tight places. And I hadn't even a revolver cartridge, nothing but chocolate. We'd no bayonets, nothing. Of course, they just cut us to bits. And there was Don Quixote flourishing like a drum major, thinking he'd done the cleverest thing ever known, whereas he ought to be court-martialled for it.

scoffs

first One

Of all the fools ever let loose on a field of battle, that man must be the very maddest. He and his regiment simply committed suicide, only the pistol missed fire, that's all. Indeed! Would you know him if you saw him again? Shall I ever forget him. That is a photograph of the gentleman-- the patriot and hero-- to whom I am betrothed. -

man sighs awkwardly

first One

I'm really very sorry. Yet was it fair to lead me on? Yes, that's him. No doubt of it.

laughs

Raina

Why do you laugh? -

Bluntschli laughs more

Raina

I don't laugh, I assure you. At least I didn't mean to. But--

laughs

Raina

But when I think of him charging the windmills and thinking he was doing the finest thing...

unrestrained laughter

Raina

Give me back the portrait, sir. Of course, certainly. I'm really very sorry. Perhaps I'm quite wrong, no doubt I am. Most likely he had got wind of the cartridge business somehow, and knew it was a safe job. That is to say, he was a pretender and a coward! You did not dare say that before. It's no use, dear lady. I can't make you see it from the professional point of view. So much the better for you. How? You are my enemy. You are at my mercy. What would I do if I were a professional soldier? True, dear young lady, you're always right. I know how good you have been to me to my last hour I shall remember those three chocolate creams. It was unsoldierly but it was angelic. Thank you. And now I will do a soldierly thing. You cannot stay here after what you have just said about my future husband but I will go out on the balcony and see whether it is safe for you to climb down and into the street. What, down that waterpipe?! No, no, stop, stop! Stop, wait! I can't! I daren't! The very thought of it makes me giddy. I came up it fast enough with death behind me. But to face it now in cold blood! Oh, it's no use, I give up I'm beaten. Give the alarm. Come, don't be disheartened. Oh, you are a very poor soldier, a chocolate cream soldier. Come, cheer up. It takes less courage to climb down than to face capture, remember that. No, no, capture only means death and death means sleep. Oh, sleep, sleep, sleep, undisturbed sleep! Climbing down the pipe means doing something-- exerting myself-- thinking! Death ten times over first. Are you so sleepy as that? I've not had two hours' undisturbed sleep since the war began. I'm on the staff. You don't know what that means. I haven't closed my eyes for thirty-six hours. But what am I to do with you. Of course, I must do something.

clears throat

Raina

You see, sleep or no sleep, hunger or no hunger, tired or not tired, you can always do a thing when you know it must be done. Well, that pipe must be got down. Do you hear that, you chocolate cream soldier? But if you fall? Then I shall sleep as if the stones were a feather bed. Good-bye. Stop! They'll kill you. No, never mind. This sort of thing is all in my day's work. I'm bound to take my chance. Now do what I tell you, hmm? Put out the candles, so that they shan't see the light when I open the shutters. And keep away from the window, whatever you do. If they see me, they're sure to have a shot at me. They're sure to see you, it's bright moonlight. I'll save you. Oh, how can you be so indifferent? You want me to save you, don't you? I really don't want to be troublesome. No, I am not indifferent, dear young lady, I assure you! But how is it to be done? Come away from the window, please. Now listen. You must trust to our hospitality. You do not yet know in whose house you are. I am a Petkoff. What's that? I mean that I belong to the family of the Petkoffs, the richest and best-known in our country. Oh... Oh, yes, of course. I beg your pardon. The Petkoffs, to be sure. How stupid of me! You know you never heard of them until this minute. How can you stoop to pretend? Forgive me, I'm too tired to think and the change of subject was really just too much for me. Don't scold me. I forgot. It might make you cry. I must tell you that my father holds the highest command of any Bulgarian in our army. He is a Major. A Major! Bless me! Think of that! You shewed great ignorance in thinking that it was necessary to climb up to the balcony, because ours is the only private house that has two rows of windows. There is a flight of stairs inside to get up and down by. Stairs! How grand! Yeah, you live in great luxury indeed, dear young lady. Do you know what a library is? A library? A roomful of books. Yes, we have one, the only one in Bulgaria. Actually a real library! Well, I should like to see that. I tell you these things to shew you that you are not in the house of ignorant country folk who would kill you the moment they saw your Serbian uniform, but among civilized people. We go to Bucharest every year for the opera season and I have spent a whole month in Vienna. I saw that, dear young lady. I saw at once that you knew the world. Have you ever seen the opera of Ernani? Well, is that the one with the devil in it, in red velvet, and a soldier's chorus? No! Then I don't know it. I thought you might have remembered the great scene where Ernani, flying from his foes just as you are tonight, takes refuge in the castle of his bitterest enemy, an old Castilian noble. The noble refuses to give him up. His guest is sacred to him. Have your people got that notion? My mother and I can understand that notion, as you call it. And if instead of threatening me with your pistol as you did, you had simply thrown yourself as a fugitive on our hospitality, you would have been as safe as in your father's house. -

man laughs

Man

Are you quite sure? -

Raina scoffs

Man

Oh, it is useless to try and make you understand. No, no. Don't be angry you see how awkward it would be for me if there was any mistake. My father is a very hospitable man. He keeps six hotels, but I couldn't trust him as far as that. What about your father? He is away at Slivnitza, fighting for his country. I answer for your safety. There is my hand in pledge of it. Will that reassure you? Better not touch my hand, dear young lady. I must have a wash first. That is very nice of you. I see that you are a gentleman. Eh? You must not think I am surprised. Bulgarians of really good standing, people in our position, they wash their hands nearly every day. But I appreciate your delicacy. You may take my hand. Thanks, gracious lady. I feel safe at last. And now, would you mind breaking the news to your mother? I had better not stay here secretly longer than is necessary. If you will be so good as to keep perfectly still whilst I am away. Certainly.

man yawns

Man

You're not going to sleep, are you? Do you hear?

Raina claps hands loudly

Man

Wake up! You are falling asleep. No, falling aslee-- no. Not the least in the world. No. I was, I was only thinking. It's all right, I'm wide awake. Will you please stand up while I am away? All right. All the time, mind. Certainly-- Certainly, certainly, you may depend upon me. Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep...

startles

Man

Where am I?

panicked breathing

That's what I want to know

where am I? I must keep awake.

slaps face

That's what I want to know

Nothing keeps me awake like danger. Remember that, huh? Danger, danger, danger. Where's danger? I must find it. I must find dang... I must find... What am I looking for? Sleep,

sniffles

That's what I want to know

danger, I don't know.

laughs uncertainly

That's what I want to know

Oh, yes, now I know. All right now. I'm to go to bed but not to sleep, be sure not to sleep because, because of danger. And not to lie down, either, it's only, only to sit down.

groans

That's what I want to know

And then... Ah! He's, he's gone! I left him here. - Here! Then he must have climbed down from the-- -

man snoring

That's what I want to know

Oh! Well! He's fast asleep. The brute! - Shh! No. Sir! SIR! SIR!! Don't, mamma the poor dear is worn out. Let him sleep. The "poor dear"? Raina!

whippoorwills singing

glass clinks

That's what I want to know

-

sighs deeply

That's what I want to know

Be warned in time, Louka. Mend your manners! I know the mistress. She is so grand. She never dreams that any servant could dare be disrespectful to her, but if she once suspects that you are defying her, out you go. I do defy her. I will defy her. What do I care for her? If you quarrel with the family, I never can marry you. It's the same as if you quarrelled with me! You take her word against me, do you? I shall always be dependent on the good will of the family. When I leave their service and start a shop in Sofia, their custom will be half my capital their bad word would ruin me. You have no spirit. Ha! I should like to see them dare say a word against me! -

exasperated sigh

That's what I want to know

I should have expected more sense from you, Louka. But you're young, you're young! Yes, and you like me the better for it, don't you?

Louka laughs cynically

That's what I want to know

But I know some family secrets they wouldn't care to have told, young as I am. Let them quarrel with me if they dare! Do you know what they would do if they heard you talk like that? What could they do? Discharge you for untruthfulness. Who would believe any stories you told after that? Who would give you another situation? Who in this house would dare be seen speaking with you ever again? How long would your father be left on his little farm? Child, you don't know the power such high people have over the likes of you and me when we try to rise out of our poverty against them. Look at me, look at me! Hmm? Ten years in their service. Do you think I know no secrets? I know things about the mistress that she wouldn't have the master know for a thousand levas. I know things about him that she wouldn't let him hear the last of for six months if I blabbed them to her. I know things about Raina that would break off her match with Sergius-- How do you know? I never told you! So that's your little secret, is it? I thought it might be something like that. Well, you take my advice, and be respectful and make the mistress feel that no matter what you know or don't know, they can depend on you to hold your tongue and serve the family faithfully. That's what they like and that's how you'll make the most out of them. You have the soul of a servant, Nicola. Yes that's the secret of success in service.

Man

Hollo! Hollo there! Nicola! Master!

gasps

Man

Back from the war! My word for it, Louka, the war's over. Off with you and get some coffee. You'll never put the soul of a servant into me. hah, breakfast out here, eh? Yes, sir. The mistress and Miss Raina have just gone in. Go in and say I've come. Oh, oh, oh, and get me some fresh coffee. It's coming, sir. -

Petkoff chuckles

Nikola

Have you told the mistress? Yes she's coming. Well, the Serbians haven't run away with you, have they? No, sir. -

Petkoff chuckles

Nikola

That's right. Have you brought me some cognac? Here, sir. That's right! Oh, my dear Paul! Oh, what a surprise for us.

mwah

Nikola

Have they brought you fresh coffee? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Louka's been looking after me. -

Catherine laughs warmly

Nikola

The war's over.

chuckles

Nikola

The treaty was signed three days ago at Bucharest and the decree for our army to demobilize was issued yesterday. Paul, have you let the Austrians force you to make peace? Oh, my dear, they didn't. They didn't consult me. What could I do? But of course, we saw to it that the treaty was an honorable one. It declares peace, Peace! But not friendly relations, remember that. They wanted to put that in but I insisted on it being struck out.

chuckles

Nikola

What more could I do? -

furious tone

Nikola

You could have annexed Serbia and made Prince Alexander Emperor of the Balkans. That's what I would have done. -

Petkoff groans

Nikola

I don't doubt that in the least, my dear. But I should have had to subdue the whole Austrian Empire first and that would have kept me too long away from you. I missed you greatly. Ah!

laughs warmly

Nikola

-

Petkoff chuckles

Nikola

And how have you been, my dear? Oh, oh, my usual sore throats, that's all. Oh, now that comes from washing your neck every day. I've often told you that. Nonsense, Paul! No, no I...

Brenda

Friends, as you can hear, Jim Ridge is having a little bit of an issue with his Internet. Let's just hold for one minute and see if we can get him back. Jacki, we're going to see if we can switch computers with him. Stand by. He's going to go to Colleen's room. Thanks so much for your patience, everyone. This is live Zoom theater so, just one more moment please. Jim, Sarah, I would love it if we could pick it up from talking about washing your neck. So let's take it from "And how have you been my dear? And how have you been, my dear? Oh, my usual sore throats, that's all. Well, that comes from washing your neck every day. I've often told you so. Nonsense, Paul! No, I don't believe in going too far with these modern customs. All this washing can't be good for the health. It's not natural. There was an Englishman at Phillipopolis who used to wet himself all over with cold water every morning when he got up. Disgusting! It all comes from the English. The climate makes them so dirty they have to be perpetually washing themselves. Look at my father! Never had a bath in his life and he lived to be ninety-eight, the healthiest man in Bulgaria. I don't mind a good wash once a week to keep up my position but once a day is carrying the thing to a ridiculous extreme. You are a barbarian at heart still, Paul. I hope you behaved yourself before all those Russian officers. Meh, I did my best. I took care to let them know we have a library. Ah, but you didn't tell them that we have an electric bell in it? I've had one put up. What's an electric bell? You touch a button, something tinkles in the kitchen, and then Nicola comes up. Why not just shout for him? Civilized people never shout for their servants. I've learnt that while you were away. Well, I'll tell you something I've learnt, too. Civilized people don't hang out their washing to dry where visitors can see it so you'd better have all that put somewhere else. Oh, oh, that's absurd, Paul. I don't believe really refined people notice such things.

demanding knocking on door

Brenda

There's Sergius. Hollo, Nicola! Oh, don't shout,

Paul

It really isn't nice. - Oh, bosh! Nicola! Yes, sir. If that is Major Saranoff, bring him round this way. Yes, sir. - Oh... You must talk to him, my dear, until Raina takes him off our hands. He bores my life out about not promoting him, over my head, mind you. Well, he certainly ought to be promoted when he marries Raina. Besides, the country should insist on having at least one native general. Yes, so that he could throw away whole brigades instead of regiments. It's no use, my dear. He has not the slightest chance of promotion until we're quite sure that the peace will be a lasting one. Major Sergius Saranoff! Here already, Sergius. Glad to see you! My dear Sergius! My dear mother, if I may call you so. Mother-in-law, Sergius, mother-in-law! Sit down, have some coffee. Thank you, none for me! You look superb, splendid. The campaign has improved you. Everybody here is mad about you. We were all wild with enthusiasm about that magnificent cavalry charge. Madam it was the cradle and the grave of my military reputation. How so? I won the battle the wrong way when our worthy Russian generals were losing it the right way. I upset their plans, and wounded their self-esteem. Two of their colonels got their regiments driven back on the correct principles of scientific warfare. Two major-generals got killed strictly according to military etiquette. Those two colonels are now major-generals and I am still a simple major. You shall not remain so, Sergius. The women are on your side and they will see that justice is done you. It is too late. I have only waited for the peace to send in my resignation. Your resignation?! Oh, you must withdraw it! I never withdraw! Now who could have supposed you were going to do such a thing? Everyone that knew me. But enough of myself and my affairs. How is Raina and where is Raina? Raina is here. Oh, pretty, isn't it? She always appears at just the right moment. Yes, she listens for it. It is an abominable habit. Dear father! Welcome home! My little pet girl. And so, you're no longer a soldier, Sergius. I am no longer a soldier. Soldiering, my dear madam, is the coward's art of attacking mercilessly when you are strong, and keeping out of harm's way when you are weak. That is the whole secret of successful fighting. Get your enemy at a disadvantage and never, on any account, fight him on equal terms. Eh, Major! Well, they wouldn't make it, they wouldn't let us make a fair stand-up fight of it. However, I suppose soldiering has to be a trade like any other trade. Precisely but I have no ambition to shine as a tradesman so I have taken the advice of that bagman of a captain that settled the exchange of our prisoners with us at Peerot, and given it up. What, that Swiss fellow? Sergius I've often thought of that exchange since. He over-reached us about those horses. Of course, he over-reached us. His father was a hotel and livery stable keeper, and he owed his first step to his knowledge of horse-dealing. Ah, he was a soldier, every inch a soldier! If only I had bought the horses for my regiment instead of foolishly leading it into danger, I should have been a field-marshal now! A Swiss? What was he doing in the Serbian army? A volunteer, of course, keen on picking up his profession.

chuckles

Paul

We shouldn't have been able to begin fighting if these foreigners hadn't shewn us how to do it. We knew nothing about it and neither did the Serbians.

chuckles

Paul

Egad, there'd have been no war without them. Are there many Swiss officers in the Serbian Army? No, no, all Austrians, just as our officers were all Russians. This was the only Swiss I came across. I'll never trust a Swiss again. He humbugged us into giving him fifty able-bodied men for two hundred worn-out chargers. They weren't even eatable! We were two children in the hands of that consummate soldier,

Major

simply two innocent little children. What was he like? Oh, Raina, what a silly question! Like a commercial traveller in uniform. Bourgeois to his boots. Oh, Sergius, tell Catherine that queer story his friend told us about him, how he escaped after Slivnitza. You remember? About his being hid by two women. Oh, yes, quite a romance. He was serving in the very battery I so unprofessionally charged. Being a thorough soldier, he ran away like the rest of them, with our cavalry at his heels. To escape their sabres, he climbed a water pipe and made his way into the bedroom of a young Bulgarian lady. The young lady was enchanted by his persuasive commercial traveller's manners. She very modestly entertained him for an hour or so and then called in her mother, lest her conduct should appear unmaidenly. -

Sergius and Petkoff cracking up with laughter

Major

The old lady was equally fascinated and the fugitive was sent away in the morning, disguised in an old coat belonging to the master of the house, who was away at the war. -

Sergius and Petkoff laugh uncontrollably

Major

Your life in the camp has made you coarse, Sergius. I did not think you would have repeated such a story before me. She is right, Sergius. If such women exist, we should be spared the knowledge of them. Pooh! Nonsense! What does it matter? No, Petkoff, I was wrong. I beg your pardon. I have behaved abominably. Forgive me, Raina. And you, too, madam. The glimpses I have had of the seamy side of life during the last few months have made me cynical, but I should not have brought that cynicism here, least of all into your presence, Raina. Stuff and nonsense, Sergius. That's quite enough fuss about nothing. A soldier's daughter ought to be able to stand up without flinching to a little strong conversation. Now come, it's time for us to get to business. We've got to make up our minds how those three regiments are to get back to Phillipopolis. There's no forage for them on the Sofia route. Come along. Oh, Paul, can't you spare Sergius for a few moments? Raina has hardly seen him yet. Perhaps, I can help you about the regiments. My dear madam, impossible. You wouldn't-- No, you stay here, my dear Sergius. There's no hurry. I have a word or two to say to Paul. Now, dear, come and see the electric bell. Oh, oh, very well, very well.

Catherine laughs

Major

Am I forgiven? Hero! My king.

laughs

lips smack

Major

My queen!

Sergius plants three more kisses on Raina's hand

Major

How I have envied you, Sergius! You have been out in the world, on the field of battle, able to prove yourself there worthy of any woman in the world whilst I have had to sit at home inactive, dreaming, useless, doing nothing that could give me the right to call myself worthy of any man. Dearest, all my deeds have been yours. You inspired me. I have gone through the war like a knight in a tournament with his lady looking on at him! And you have never been absent from my thoughts for a moment. Sergius, I think we two have found the higher love. When I think of you, I feel that I could never do a base deed, or think an ignoble thought. My lady, and my saint! My lord and my-- Sh-sh! Shhhhhhhh... Let me be the worshipper, dear. You little know how unworthy even the best man is of a girl's pure passion! I trust you. I love you. You will never disappoint me, Sergius. -

loud singing

Major

Hush! -

loud singing continues

Major

I can't pretend to talk indifferently before her. My heart is too full. I will go and get my hat and then we can go out until lunch time. Wouldn't you like that? Be quick. If you're away five minutes, it will seem five hours. Louka, do you know what the higher love is? No, sir. Very fatiguing thing to keep up for any length of time, Louka. One feels the need of some relief after it. Perhaps you would like some coffee, sir? Thank you, Louka. You know I did not mean that. I'm surprised at you! I'm surprised at myself, Louka. What would Sergius, the hero of Slivnitza, say if he saw me now? What would Sergius, the apostle of the higher love, say if he saw me now? What would the half dozen Sergiuses who keep popping in and out of this handsome figure of mine say if they caught us here? Do you consider my figure handsome, Louka? Let me go, sir. I shall be disgraced. Oh, will you let me go? No. Then stand back where we can't be seen. Have you no common sense? Oh, oh, that's reasonable.

laughs

Major

I may have been seen from the windows. Miss Raina is sure to be spying about after you. Take care, Louka. I may be worthless enough to betray the higher love but do not you insult it. Not for the world, sir, I'm sure. Can I go back to my work now? You are a provoking little witch, Louka.

laughs

Major

If you were in love with me, would you spy out of windows on me? Well, you see, sir, since you say you're half a dozen different gentlemen all at once, I should have a great deal to look after. Witty as well as pretty. No, I don't want your kisses. Oh! Gentlefolk are all alike, you making love to me behind Miss Raina's back, and she doing the same behind yours. Louka! Well, it shows how much you really don't care! If our conversation is to continue, Louka, you will please remember that a gentleman does not discuss the conduct of the lady he is engaged to with her maid. It's so hard to know what a gentleman considers right. Oh, I thought from your trying to kiss me you'd given up being so particular. Devil! Devil! Ha! Ha! I expect one of the six of you is very like me, sir, though I am only Miss Raina's maid. Which of the six is the real man? That's the question that torments me. One of them is a hero, another a buffoon, another a humbug, another perhaps a bit of a blackguard. And one, at least, is a coward, jealous, like all cowards. Louka. Yes? Who is my rival? You shall never get that out of me, for love or money. WHY?! Never mind why. Besides, you would tell that I told you and I should lose my place. No, on the honor of a... of a man capable of behaving as I have been behaving for the last five minutes. Who is he? I don't know. I never saw him. I only heard his voice through the door of her room. Damnation! How dare you? Oh, I mean no harm! You've no right to take up my words like that. Her mother knows all about it. And I tell you if that gentleman ever comes here again, Miss Raina will marry him, whether he likes it or not. I know the difference between the sort of manner you and she put on before one another and the real manner. Now you listen to me! -

Louka cries out

Major

Do not grab me so tight. You're hurting me! That doesn't matter. You have stained my honor by making me a party to your eavesdropping. And you've betrayed your mistress- Please! - That shews you are an abominable little clod of common clay, with the soul of a servant.

Louka cries out as she breaks free

Major

You know how to hurt with your tongue, as well as with your hands. But I don't care. Now I know that whatever clay I'm made of, you're made of the same. And as for her, she's a liar and her fine airs are a cheat and I'm worth six of her. Louka! Louka! A gentleman has no right to hurt a woman under any circumstances. I beg your pardon. That sort of apology may satisfy a lady. What use is it to a servant? Oh, you wish to be paid for the hurt? No, I want my hurt made well. How? Kiss it. Never!

Raina

I'm ready! Oh, what's the matter?

laughs

Raina

Have you been flirting with Louka? No, no! How how can you think such a thing? Oh, forgive me, dear it was only a jest. Ah, I'm so happy today! Oh I'm sorry to disturb you, children but Paul is distracted over those three regiments. He does not know how to get them to Phillipopolis and he objects to every suggestion of mine. Well, you must go and help him, Sergius. He is in the library. But we are just going out for a walk. I shall not be long. Wait for me just five minutes. I shall go round and wait in full view of the library windows. Be sure you draw father's attention to me. If you are a moment longer than five minutes, I shall go in and fetch you, regiments or no regiments. Very well. Imagine their meeting that Swiss and hearing the whole story! The very first thing your father asked for was that old coat we sent him off in. A nice mess you've gotten us into! The little beast! - Little beast! What little beast? - To go and tell! Oh, if I had him here, I'd stuff him with chocolate creams till he could never speak again! Don't talk nonsense. Tell me the truth, Raina. How long was he in your room before you came to me? Oh, I forget. You cannot forget! Did he really climb up after the soldiers were gone, or was he there when the officer searched the room? No. Yes, I think-- he must have been there then. Oh, you think! Oh, Raina, Raina! Will anything ever make you straightforward? Now if Sergius finds out, it is all over between you. Oh, I know Sergius is your pet. I sometimes wish you could marry him instead of me. You would suit him. You would pet him, and spoil him, and mother him to perfection. Well, upon my word! I always feel a longing to do or say something dreadful to him-- to shock his propriety-- to scandalize the five senses out of him! I don't care whether he finds out about the chocolate cream soldier or not. In fact, I half hope he may. And what should I be able to say to your father, pray? Oh, poor father! As if he could help himself! Oh, if only you were ten years younger! Louka, well? There's a gentleman just called, madam, a Serbian officer. Serbian! How dare he. Oh, I forgot. We are at peace now. Well, I suppose we shall have them calling every day to pay their compliments. Well, if he is an officer why don't you tell your master? He's in the library with Major Saranoff. Why do you come to me? Oh but he asks for you, madam. And I don't think he knows who you are. He said the lady of the house. He gave me this little ticket for you. "Captain Bluntschli!" That's a German name. Swiss, madam, I think. SWISS! What was he like? He has a big carpet bag, madam. Oh, Heavens, he's come to return the coat! Send him away. Say we're not at home. Ask him to leave his address and I'll write to him. Oh, stop! That will never do. Wait! The master and Major Saranoff are busy in the library, aren't they? - Yes, madam. Well then bring the gentleman out here at once. And be very polite to him. Don't delay. Go, go, go straight back to him. Yes, madam. LOUKA! Yes, madam. Is the library door shut? I think so, madam. Well if not, shut it as you pass through. Yes, madam. No, stop! He will have to go out that way. So tell Nicola to bring his bag here after him. Don't forget. His bag? Yes, here, as soon as possible. Be quick!

claps her hands

Raina

Oh, oh, oh, how can a man be such a fool! Such a moment to select! Captain Bluntschli. Captain Bluntschli, I am very glad to see you but you must leave this house at once. My husband has just returned, with my future son-in-law and they know nothing. If they did, the consequences would be terrible. Well, you are a foreigner, you do not feel our national animosities as we do. We still hate the Serbians. The only effect of the peace on my husband is to make him feel like a lion baulked of his prey. If he discovered our secret, he would never forgive me, and my daughter's life would hardly be safe. Will you, like the chivalrous gentleman and soldier you are, leave at once before he finds you here? At once, gracious lady. I only came to thank you and return the coat you lent me. If you will allow me to take it out of my bag and leave it with your servant as I pass out, I need detain you no further. Oh, you must not think of going back that way. No, this is the shortest way out. Many thanks. So glad to have been of service to you. My bag? - Good-bye. My bag? - Uh... It will be sent on. You will leave me your address. True, allow me. Ah, my dear Captain Bluntschli! Oh, Heavens! -

Petkoff laughs excitedly

Raina

Those stupid people of mine thought I was out here, instead of in the, library. I saw you through the window. I was wondering why you didn't come in. Saranoff is with me. You remember him, don't you? Welcome, our friend, the enemy! No longer the enemy, happily. I hope you've come as a friend, and not about horses or prisoners. Oh, quite as a friend, Paul. I was just asking Captain Bluntschli to stay to lunch but he declares he must go at once. Impossible, Bluntschli. We want you here badly. We have to send on three cavalry regiments to Phillipopolis, and we don't in the least know how to do it. Phillipopolis! The forage is the trouble, eh? Yes, yes, that's it. He sees the whole thing at once. I think I can shew you how to manage that. Invaluable man come along! Oh, the chocolate cream soldier! My dear Raina, don't you see that we have a guest here, Captain Bluntschli, one of our new Serbian friends? How silly of me! I made a beautiful ornament this morning for the ice pudding, and that stupid Nicola has just put down a pile of plates on it and spoiled it. I hope you didn't think that you were the chocolate cream soldier, Captain Bluntschli? -

Bluntschli laughs

Raina

I assure you I did. Your explanation was a relief. And since when, pray, have you taken to cooking? Oh, whilst you were away. It is her latest fancy. And has Nicola taken to drinking? He used to be careful enough. First he shews Captain Bluntschli out here when he knew quite well I was in the, library and then he goes downstairs and breaks Raina's chocolate soldier. He must-- Are you mad, Nicola? Sir? What have you brought that bag for? My lady's orders, Captain. Louka told me that-- - My orders! Why should I order you to bring Captain Bluntschli's luggage out here? What are you thinking, Nicola? Well, I beg your pardon, sir, I am sure. My fault, madam! I hope you'll overlook it! Oh, you'd better go and slam that bag, too, down on Miss Raina's ice pudding! Ow, oh! Begone, you butter-fingered donkey. Yes, Major. Oh, never mind, Paul, don't be angry! Scoundrel he's gotten out of hand while I was away. I'll teach him. Infernal blackguard! The sack next Saturday! I'll clear out the whole establishment. Now, now, now, now now now, you mustn't be angry he meant no harm. No, be good to please me, dear. Just sh-sh-sh-sh! Wow, wow, wow not on your first day at home, hmm? I'll make another ice pudding. Tch-ch-ch! Oh, well, never mind.

laughs

Raina

Come, Bluntschli, lets have no more nonsense about you having to go away. Very well you're not going back to Switzerland yet. Until you do go back, you'll stay with us. Oh, do, Captain Bluntschli. Now, Catherine, it's of you that he's afraid. Press him and he'll stay. Of course, I shall be only too delighted if Captain Bluntschli really wishes to stay. He knows my wishes. I am at madame's orders. That settles it! Of course! You see, you must stay! Well, if I must, I must!

whippoorwills singing

insects chirping

Raina

Are you sure I can't help you in any way, Bluntschli? Quite sure, Major. Saranoff and I will manage it. Yes, we'll manage it. He finds out what to do, draws up the orders, and I sign 'em. Division of labour, Major. Another one? Thank you. This hand is more accustomed to the sword than to the pen. It's very good of you, Bluntschli, it is indeed, to let yourself be put on this way. Now are you sure there's nothing I can do? You can stop interrupting, Paul. Eh? Oh! Quite right, quite right, my love. You haven't been campaigning, Catherine. You don't know how pleasant it is for us to sit here, after a good lunch, with nothing to do but enjoy ourselves. The only thing, only one thing I want to make me thoroughly comfortable. What's that? My old coat. I'm not at home in this one I feel as if I were on parade. My dear Paul, how absurd you are about that old coat! It must be hanging in the blue closet where you left it. My dear Catherine, I tell you, I've looked there. Am I to believe my own eyes or not? Now, now, what are you shewing off that bell for? My dear, if you think the obstinacy of your sex can make a coat out of two old dressing gowns of Raina's, your waterproof, and my mackintosh, you're mistaken. That's exactly what the blue closet contains at present. Nicola go to the blue closet and bring your master's old coat here the braided one he usually wears in the house. Yes, madam. Catherine. Yes, Paul? I bet you any piece of jewelry you like to order from Sofia against a week's housekeeping money, that the coat isn't there. Done, Paul. Bluntschli, come, here's an opportunity for some sport. Who'll bet on it? I'll give you six to one. It would be robbing you, Major. Madame is sure to be right. Bravo, Switzerland! Major, I bet my best charger against an Arab mare for Raina that Nicola finds the coat in the blue closet. Your best char- Don't be foolish, Paul. An Arabian mare will cost you 50,000 levas. Really, mother, if you're going to take the jewelry, I don't see why you should grudge me my Arab. Where was it, Nicola? Hanging in the blue closet, madam. Well, I am damn-- Paul! I could have sworn it wasn't there. Age is beginning to tell on me. I'm getting hallucinations. Well here, help me to change, Nicola. Excuse me, Bluntschli. Remember I didn't take that bet of yours, Sergius. You'd better give Raina that Arabian yourself, since you've roused her expectations. Eh, Raina? Raina? She's dreaming, as usual. Assuredly she shall not be the loser. So much the better for her. I shan't come off so cheap, I expect. Now I'm home at last. That's the last order. What! Finished? Finished. Haven't you anything for me to sign? Not necessary. His signature will do. Well, I think we've done a thundering good day's work. Can I do anything more? Yes, you had better both see the fellows that are to take these. Saranoff, pack them off at once and shew them that I've marked on the orders the time they should hand them in by. Tell them that if they stop to drink or tell stories, if they're five minutes late, they'll have the skin taken off their backs. I'll say so. And if one of them is man enough to spit in my face for insulting him, I'll buy his discharge and give him a pension. Just see that he talks to them properly, Major, will you? Quite right, Bluntschli, quite right. I'll see to it. By the bye, Catherine, you may as well come, too. They'll be far more frightened of you than of me. Well, I daresay I had better. You will only splutter at them. What a country! They make cannons out of cherry trees and the officers send for their wives to keep discipline! You look ever so much nicer than when we last met. What have you done to yourself? Washed, brushed, good night's sleep, and breakfast. That's all. Did you get back safely that morning? Quite, thanks. Were they angry with you for running away from Sergius's charge? No, they were glad because they'd all just run away themselves. It must have made a lovely story for them, all that about me and my room. - Capital story. But I only told it to one of them, a particular friend. On whose discretion you could absolutely rely? Absolutely. Hmm! He told it all to my father and Sergius the day you exchanged the prisoners. No! You don't mean that, do you? I do indeed. But they don't know that it was in this house that you hid. If Sergius knew, he would challenge you and kill you in a duel. Bless me! Then don't tell him. Can you realize what it is to me to deceive him? I want to be quite perfect with Sergius, no meanness, no smallness, no deceit. My relation to him is the one really beautiful and noble part of my life. I hope you can understand that. You mean that you wouldn't like him to find out that the story about the ice pudding was a lie,

stammering

Raina

, you know. Don't talk of it in that flippant way. I lied, I know it. But I did it to save your life. He would have killed you. That was the second time I ever uttered a falsehood. Do you remember the first? I?! No, was I present? Yes, and I told the officer who was searching for you that you were not present. True, I should have remembered it. It is natural that you should forget it first. It cost you nothing, it cost me a lie! A lie! My dear young lady, don't let this worry you. Remember, I'm a soldier. Now, what are the two things that happen to a soldier so often that he comes to think nothing of them? The first one is hearing people tell lies and the second is getting his life saved in all sorts of ways by all sorts of people. And so he becomes a creature incapable of faith and of gratitude. Do you like gratitude? I don't. If pity is akin to love, then gratitude is akin to the other thing. Gratitude! If you are incapable of gratitude you are incapable of any noble sentiment. Even animals are grateful. Oh, I see now exactly what you think of me! You were not surprised to hear me lie. To you it was something I probably did every day, every hour. That is how men think of women. There's reason in everything. You said you'd told only two lies in your whole life. Now dear young lady, don't you think that's rather a short allowance? I'm quite a straightforward man myself but that wouldn't last me all morning. Do you know, sir, that you are insulting me? I can't help it. When you get into that noble attitude and speak in that thrilling voice, I admire you. But I find it impossible to believe a single word you say. Captain Bluntschli! Hmm? Do you mean what you said just now? Do you know what you said just now? I do. I! I! How did you find me out? Instinct, dear young lady. Instinct, and experience of the world. Do you know you are the first man I ever met who did not take me seriously? You mean, don't you, that I am the first man that has ever taken you quite seriously? Yes, I suppose I do mean that. How strange it is to be talked to in such a way! I've always gone on like that, I mean the noble attitude and the thrilling voice. I did it when I was a tiny child to my nurse. She believed in it. I do it before my parents. They believe in it. I do it before Sergius. He believes in it. Yes, he's a little in that line himself, isn't he? Do you think so? Well, you know him better than I do. I wonder, I wonder is he? If I thought that!

laughs

Raina

Well, what does it matter? I suppose, now that you've found me out, you despise me. No, no, no, my dear young lady, no, no, no a thousand times. It's but of your youth, and part of your charm. I'm like all the rest of them, your parents, your nurses, Sergius. I'm your infatuated admirer. Really? Hand aufs Herz! (Hand on Heart!) Really and truly. But what did you think of me for giving you my portrait? Your portrait! You never gave me your portrait. Do you mean to say you never got it? No. When did you send it to me? I did not send it to you. It was in the pocket of that coat. -

Bluntschli laughs

Raina

I never found it. It must be there still. There still! For my father to find the first time he puts his hand in his pocket! Oh, how could you be so stupid? It doesn't matter. It's only a photograph. How can he tell who it was intended for? Tell him he put it there himself. Oh yes, that is so clever, so clever! What shall I do? Ah, I see... you wrote something on it? That was rash! Oh, to have done such a thing for you, who care no more, except to laugh at me! Are you sure nobody has touched it? Well, I can't be quite sure. You see I couldn't carry it around with me all the time. One can't take too much luggage on active service. What did you do with it? When I got through to Peerot I had to put it in safe keeping somehow. I thought of the railway cloak room but that's the surest place in modern warfare to get looted. So, I pawned it. Pawned it! I know it doesn't sound nice but it was much the safest plan. I redeemed it the day before yesterday. Heaven only knows whether the pawnbroker cleared out the pockets or not. Oh, you have a low, shopkeeping mind. You think of things that would never come into a gentleman's head. That's the Swiss national character, dear lady. Oh, I wish I had never met you. Sir, for you. The messenger is waiting. -

Bluntschli laughs uncomfortably

Raina

Will you excuse me? The last postal delivery that reached me was three weeks ago. These are the subsequent accumulations. Four telegrams, a week old. Oh! Bad news! Bad news? My father's dead. Oh, how very sad! Yes, I shall have to start for home in an hour. He has left a lot of big hotels behind him to be looked after. Oh, God. Here's a whacking letter from the family solicitor. Heavens! What? Seventy! Two hundred! Four hundred! Four thousand! Nine thousand six hundred! What am I to do with them all? Nine thousand hotels? Hotels! No, nonsense. If you only knew! Oh, it's too ridiculous! Will you excuse me? I must give my fellow orders about starting back. He has not much heart, that Swiss. He has not a word of grief for his poor father. Grief! A man who has been doing nothing but killing people for years! What does he care? What does any soldier care? Major Saranoff has been fighting, too, and

laughs

Raina

he has plenty of heart left. -

Raina makes a disgusted sound

Raina

Ahh!

laughs sharply

Raina

I thought you wouldn't get much feeling out of your soldier. I've been trying all the afternoon to get a minute alone with you, my girl. Why, what fashion is that of wearing your sleeve? My own. Indeed! If the mistress catches you, she'll talk to you. Is that any reason why you should take it on yourself to talk to me? Come, don't be so contrary with me. I've some good news for you. See, a twenty leva bill! Huh? Sergius gave me that out of pure swagger. A fool and his money are soon parted. There's ten levas more. The Swiss gave me that for backing up the mistress's and Raina's lies about him. He's no fool, he isn't. You should have heard old Catherine downstairs as polite as you please to me, telling me no, not to mind the Major being a little impatient for they knew what a good servant I was, after making a fool and a liar out of me before them all! The twenty will go to our savings and you shall have the ten to spend if only you'll just talk to me so as to remind me I'm a human being. I get tired of being a servant occasionally. Yes, sell your manhood for thirty levas, and buy me for ten! Keep your money! You were born to be a servant. I was not. When you open up your shop, you will only be everybody's servant instead of somebody's servant. Oh, wait till you see. We shall have our evenings to ourselves and I shall be master in my own house, I promise you. You shall never be master in mine. You have a great ambition in you, Louka. Remember, if any luck comes to you, it was I that made a woman of you. -

Louka laughs bitterly

Raina

You! Yes, me. Who was it made you give up wearing a couple of pounds of false black hair on your head and reddening your lips and cheeks like any other Bulgarian girl? I did. Who taught you to trim your nails, and keep your hands clean, and be dainty about yourself, like a fine Russian lady? Me! Do you hear me? ME! I've often thought that if Raina were out of the way, and you just a little less of a fool and Sergius just a little more of one, you might come to be one of my grandest customers, instead of only being my wife and costing me money. I believe you would rather be my servant than my husband. You would make more out of me. Oh, I know that soul of yours. Never mind my soul but just listen to my advice. If you want to be a lady, your present behaviour to me won't do at all, unless when we're alone. It's too sharp and impudent and impudence is a sort of familiarity. It shews affection for me. And don't try being high and mighty with me either. You're like all country girls. You think it's genteel to treat a servant the way I treat a stable-boy. That's your own ignorance and don't you forget it. And don't be so ready to defy everybody. Act as if you expected to have your own way, not as if you expected to be ordered about. The way to get on as a lady is the same as the way to get on as a servant. You've got to know your place. That's the secret. And you may depend on me to know my place if you get promoted. Think it over, my girl. I'll stand by you. One servant should always stand by another. Oh, I have to behave in my own way. You take all the courage out of me with your cold-blooded wisdom. Go and put some logs on the fire. That's something you understand. I am not in the way of your work, I hope. Oh, no, sir, thank you kindly. I was only speaking to this foolish girl about her habit of running up here to the library whenever she gets a chance, to look at the books.

laughs

Raina

It's the worst of her education, sir, it gives her habits above her station. Make that table tidy, Louka, for the Major. Let me see. Is there a mark there?

inhales breath sharply

Raina

Does it hurt? - Yes. Shall I cure it? No, you cannot cure it now. Quite sure? Oh, please don't trifle with me. An officer should not trifle with a servant. That was no trifle, Louka. No?! Are you sorry? I'm never sorry. I wish I could believe a man could be so unlike a woman as that. I wonder, are you really a brave man? Yes, I am a brave man. My heart jumped like a woman's at the first shot but in the charge I found that I was brave. Yes, that, at least, is real about me. Will you find in the charge that the men whose fathers are poor like mine were any less brave than the men who are rich like you? Not a bit. They all slashed and cursed and yelled like heroes. The courage to rage and kill is cheap. I have an English bull terrier who has as much of that sort of courage as the whole Bulgarian nation, and the Russian nation at its back. But he lets my groom thrash him, all the same. That's your soldier all over! No, Louka, your poor men can cut throats but they are afraid of their officers. They put up with insults and blows. They stand by and see one another punished like children-- aye, and help to do it when they're ordered. And the officers! Well,

scoffs

Raina

I am an officer. Oh, give me the man who will defy to the death any power on earth or in heaven that sets itself up against his own will and conscience He alone is the brave man. How easy it is to talk! Men never seem to me to grow up They all have schoolboy's ideas. You don't know what courage is. Indeed! I am willing to be instructed. Look at me! How much am I allowed to have my own will? I have to make your room ready for you, to sweep and dust, to fetch and carry. How could that degrade me if it did not degrade you to have it done for you? But if I were Empress of Russia, above everyone in the world, then, oh, then, though according to you I could shew no courage at all you should see, you should see. What would you do, most noble Empress? I would marry the man I loved, which no other queen in Europe has the courage to do. If I loved you, though you would be as far beneath me as I am beneath you, I would dare to be the equal of my inferior. Would you dare as much if you loved me? No, if you felt the beginning of love for me you would not let it grow. You would not dare you would marry a rich man's daughter because you would be afraid of what other people would say of you. You lie! It is not so, by all the stars! If I loved you, and I were the Czar himself, I would set you on the throne by my side. You know that I love another woman, a woman as high above you as heaven is above earth. And you're jealous of her. Ahhhh! I have no reason to be. She will never marry you now. The man I told you of has come back. She will marry the Swiss. The Swiss! A man worth ten of you. Then you can come to me and I will refuse you. You are not good enough for me. I will kill the Swiss and afterwards, I will do as I please with you. The Swiss will kill you, perhaps. He has beaten you in love. He might beat you in war. Do you think that I believe that she, that she, that SHE! Whose worst thoughts are higher than your best ones, is capable of trifling with another man behind my back? Do you think she would believe the Swiss if he told her now that I had been in your arms? Damnation, damnation! Mockery, mockery everywhere! Everything I think is mocked by everything I do. Coward, liar, fool! Shall I kill myself like a man, or, or live and pretend to laugh at myself? Louka! Louka! Louka!

Remember

you belong to me. What does that mean- an insult? It means that you love me, and that I have had you here in my arms, and will perhaps have you there again. Whether that is an insult,

I neither know nor care

take it as you please. But I will not be a coward and a trifler. If I choose to love you, I dare marry you, in spite of all Bulgaria. If these hands ever touch you again, they shall touch my affianced bride. We'll see if you dare keep your word. But take care. I won't wait long. Yes, we shall see. And you shall wait my pleasure. Captain Bluntschli. Eh? You have deceived me. You are my rival. I brook no rivals. At six o'clock, I shall be in the drilling-ground on the Klissoura road, alone, on horseback, with my sabre. Do you understand? Oh, thank you. That's a cavalry man's proposal. But I'm in the artillery and I have the choice of weapons. If I go, I shall take a machine gun. And there shall be no mistake about the cartridges this time. Take care, sir. It is not our custom in Bulgaria to allow invitations of that kind to be trifled. Pooh! Don't talk to me about Bulgaria. You don't know what fighting is. But have it your own way. Bring your sabre along. I'll meet you. Well said, Switzer. Shall I lend you my best horse? No, damn your horse! But thank you all the same, dear fellow. I shall fight you on foot. Horseback's too dangerous I don't want to kill you if I can help it. I have heard what Captain Bluntschli said, Sergius. You're going to fight? Why? What about? I don't know, he hasn't told me. But you better not interfere, dear young lady. No harm would be done I've often acted as sword instructor. He won't be able to touch me and I'll not hurt him. It will save explanations. In the morning I shall be off home and you will never see me or hear from me again. I never said I wanted to see you again. HA!!! That is a confession. What do you mean? You love that man! Sergius! You allow him to make love to you behind my back, just as you treat me as your affianced husband behind his. Bluntschli you knew our relations and you deceived me. It is for that that I call you to account, not for having received favours that I never enjoyed. Stuff! Rubbish! I have received no favours. Why, the young lady doesn't even know whether I'm married or not. Oh! Are you? You see the young lady's concern, Captain Bluntschli. Denial is useless. You have enjoyed the privilege of being received in her own room, late at night-- Yes, you blockhead! She received me with a pistol at her head. Your cavalry were at my heel. I'd have blown out her brains if she'd uttered a word. Bluntschli! Raina, is this true? Oh, how dare you! How dare you? Apologize, man, apologize! I never apologize. This is the doing of that friend of yours, Captain Bluntschli. It is he who is spreading this horrible story about me. No he's dead, burnt alive. Burnt alive! Shot in the hip in a wood yard. Couldn't drag himself out. Your fellows' shells set the timber on fire and burnt him, with half a dozen other poor devils in the same predicament. How horrible! And how ridiculous! Oh, war! War! The dream of patriots and heroes! A fraud, Bluntschli, a hollow sham, like love. -

Bluntschli groans angrily

I neither know nor care

Like love! You say that before me. Come, Saranoff that matter is explained. A hollow sham, I say. Would you have come back here if nothing had passed between you, except at the muzzle of your pistol? Raina is mistaken about our friend who was burnt. He was not my informant. Who then? Louka! My maid, my servant! You were with her this morning all that time after, after.

laughs bitterly

I neither know nor care

Oh, what sort of god is this I have been worshipping! Do you. Do you know that I looked out of the window as I went upstairs, to have another sight of my hero and I saw something that I did not understand then. I know now that you were making love to her. You saw that? Only too well. Raina, our romance is shattered. Life's a farce. You see, he's found himself out now. Bluntschli, I have allowed you to call me a blockhead. You may now call me a coward as well. I refuse to fight you. Do you know why? No but it doesn't matter. I don't ask the reason when you cry on and I don't ask the reason now that you cry off. I'm a professional soldier. I fight when I have to, and am very glad to get out of it when I haven't to. You're merely an amateur; you think fighting's an amusement. You shall hear the reason all the same, my professional. The reason is that it takes two men, real men, men of heart, blood and honor to make a genuine combat. I could no more fight with you than I could make love to an ugly woman. You've no magnetism. You're not a man, you're a machine. Quite true, quite true. I always was that sort of chap. I'm very sorry. But now that you've found that life isn't a farce, but something quite sensible and serious, what further obstacle is there to your happiness? You are very solicitous about my happiness and his. Do you forget his new love, Louka? No, it is not you that he must fight now, but his rival, Nicola. Ah... - Rival!

slaps forehead

I neither know nor care

Don't that they are engaged? Nicola! Are fresh abysses opening! Nicola! A shocking sacrifice, isn't it? Such beauty, such intellect, such modesty, wasted on a middle-aged servant man! Really, Sergius, you cannot stand by and allow such a thing. No, it would be unworthy of your chivalry. Viper! Viper! Look here, Saranoff, you're getting the worst of this. Do you realize what he has done, Captain Bluntschli? He has set this girl as a spy on us and her reward is that he makes love to her. False! Monstrous! Monstrous! Do you deny that she told you about Captain Bluntschli being in my room? No, but-- Do you deny that you were making love to her when she told you? No, but I tell you-- It is unnecessary to tell us anything more. That is quite enough for us. I told you you were getting the worst of it, Saranoff. Tiger cat!! -

Raina gasps

I neither know nor care

Do you hear what this man is calling me, Captain Bluntschli? What else can he do, dear lady? He must defend himself somehow. Now come come come come, don't quarrel. What good does it do? Engaged to Nicola! Ha! Ha! Well, Bluntschli, you are right to take this huge imposture of a world coolly. I daresay, Captain Bluntschli, you think us a couple of grown up babies, don't you? He does, he does. Swiss civilization nurse-tending Bulgarian barbarism, eh? Not at all, I assure you. I'm only very glad to get you two quieted. Now there now, let's be pleasant and talk it over in a friendly way. Where is this other young lady? Listening at the door, probably. I will prove that that, at least, is a calumny. Nooooooooo! Judge her, Bluntschli, you, the moderate, cautious man judge the eavesdropper. I mustn't judge her. I once listened myself at a tent where there was a mutiny brewing. It's all a question of the degree of provocation. My life was at stake. My love was at stake. I'm not ashamed. Your love! Your curiosity, you mean. My love, stronger than anything you can feel, even for your chocolate cream soldier. What does that mean? - It means- Oh, I remember, the ice pudding. A paltry taunt, girl. -

Petkoff groans

I neither know nor care

Excuse my shirtsleeves, gentlemen. Raina, somebody has been wearing that coat of mine. I'll swear it. It, it's all burst open at the back. Your mother is mending it. I wish she'd make haste. I shall catch cold. Is anything the matter? No. - Oh, no! Oh, nothing, nothing. That's all right. Anything the matter, Louka? No, sir.

Louka laughs nervously

I neither know nor care

That's all right. Go and ask your mistress for my coat, like a good girl, will you, please? Ahhh, Nicola. Oh, here it is, papa. Give it to me, Nicola, and do you put some more wood on the fire. Aha! Going to be very good to your poor old papa for just one day after his return from the wars, eh? How can you say that to me, father? Well, well, it's just a joke, a little one. Come, give me the coat. Now, I'm going to put it on for you. Turn your back. There, dear! Are you comfortable? Quite, my little love. Thanks. Oh, by the bye, I've found something funny. What's the meaning of this pict--? Eh? Oh, hallo! Well, I could have sworn. I wonder. Where can it, your mother's taken it. Taken what? Your photograph, with the inscription "Raina, to her Chocolate Cream Soldier, a souvenir." Hmm... Now, you know, there's something more in this than meets the eye and I'm going to find it out. Nicola! Sir! Did you spoil any pastry of Miss Raina's this morning? You heard Miss Raina say that I did, sir. I know that, you idiot. Was it true? I am sure Miss Raina is incapable of saying anything that is not true, sir. Are you? Well, I'm not. Come, do you think I don't see it all? Sergius you're the chocolate cream soldier, aren't you?

chortling

I neither know nor care

I! A chocolate cream soldier! Certainly not. Not! Do you mean to tell me that Raina sends photographic souvenirs to other men? The world is not such an innocent place as we used to think, Petkoff. It's all right, Major. I'm the chocolate cream soldier. The gracious young lady saved my life by giving me chocolate creams when I was starving-- Shall I ever forget their flavour! My late friend Stolz told you the story at Peerot. I was the fugitive. You?! Sergius, do you remember how those two women went on this morning when we mentioned it? Well, you're a nice young woman, aren't you? Major Saranoff has changed his mind. And when I wrote that on the photograph, I did not know that Captain Bluntschli was married. Married? No, I'm not married. You said you were. - I did not. I positively did not. I was never married in my life. Raina, will you kindly inform me, if I am not asking too much, which gentleman you are engaged to? To neither of them. This young lady is the object of Major Saranoff's affections at present. Louka! Are you mad, Sergius? Why, this girl's engaged to Nicola. I beg your pardon, sir. There is a mistake. Louka is not engaged to me. Not engaged to you, you scoundrel! Why, you had twenty-five levas from me on the day of your betrothal and she had that gilt bracelet from Miss Raina. We gave it out so, sir. But it was only to give Louka protection. She had a soul above her station and I have been no more than her confidential servant. I intend, as you know sir, to set up a shop later on in Sofia and I look forward to her custom and recommendation should she marry into the nobility. Well, I'm, huh! This is either the finest heroism or the most crawling baseness. Which is it, Bluntschli? Never mind whether it's heroism or baseness. Nicola's the ablest man I've met in Bulgaria. I'll make him the manager of a hotel if he can speak French and German. I have been insulted by everyone here. You set them the example, Sergius. You owe me an apology. It's no use. He never apologizes. Not to you, his equal and his enemy. To me, his poor servant, he will not refuse to apologize. You're right. Forgive me! I forgive you. That touch makes me your affianced wife. AHH, I forgot that! You can withdraw if you like. Withdraw! Never! You belong to me! -

stammering

I neither know nor care

What does this mean? Well, my dear, it appears that Sergius is going to marry Louka instead of Raina. Don't blame me. I've nothing to do with it. Marry Louka! Sergius, you are bound by your word to us! Nothing binds me. Saranoff your hand. My congratulations. These heroics of yours have their practical side after all. Gracious young Louka, the best wishes of a good Republican! Louka, you have been telling stories. I have done Raina no harm. Raina! I have a right to call her Raina; She calls me Louka. I told Major Saranoff she would never marry him if the Swiss gentleman came back. Hallo! Raina, I thought you were fonder of him than of Sergius. You know best whether I was right. What nonsense! I assure you, my dear Major, my dear Madame, the gracious young lady simply saved my life, nothing else. She never cared two straws for me. Why, bless my heart and soul, but look at the young lady and look at me. She's rich, young, beautiful, with her imagination full of fairy princes and noble natures and cavalry charges and goodness knows what else! And I, I, a common-place Swiss soldier who hardly knows what a decent life is after fifteen years of barracks and battles, a vagabond, a man who has spoiled all his chances in life through an incurably romantic disposition, a man who-- Excuse me, Bluntschli what did you say had spoiled your chances in life? An incurably romantic disposition. I ran away from home twice when I was a boy. I went into the army instead of into my father's business. I climbed the balcony of this house when a man of sense would have dived into the nearest cellar. I came sneaking back here to have another look at the young lady when any other man of my age would have sent the coat back- My coat! Yes, that's the coat I mean, would have sent the coat back and gone quietly home. Do you suppose I am the sort of fellow a young lady falls in love with? Why, I'm-- look at our ages! I'm thirty-four. I don't suppose the young lady is much older than seventeen. All that adventure which was life and death to me, was nothing more to her than a schoolgirl's game. Chocolate creams and hide and seek. Here, look, here's the proof! Now, I ask you, would a woman who took the affair seriously have sent me this photograph and signed it "From Raina, to her chocolate cream soldier, a souvenir"? That's what I was looking for. How the deuce did it get there? I have put everything right, I hope, gracious young lady! I quite agree with your account of yourself. You are a romantic idiot. Next time, I hope you will know the difference between a schoolgirl of seventeen and a woman of twenty-three. Twenty-three! Bluntschli, my one last belief is gone. Your sagacity is a fraud, like all other things. You have less sense than even I have. Twenty-thr.. Oh, twenty-three! Well, in that case, Major Petkoff, I beg to propose formally to become a suitor for your daughter's hand, in place of Major Saranoff retired. You dare! If you were twenty-three when you said those things to me this afternoon, I shall take them seriously. I doubt, sir, whether you quite realize either my daughter's position or that of Major Sergius Saranoff, whose place you propose to take. The Petkoffs and the Saranoffs are known as the richest and most important families in the country. Our position is almost historical. We can go back for nearly twenty years. Oh, never mind that, Catherine. We should be most happy, Bluntschli, if it were only a question of your position but hang it, Raina is accustomed to a very comfortable establishment. Sergius has twenty horses. But what on earth is the use of twenty horses? Why, it's a circus. My daughter, sir, is accustomed to a first-rate stable. Hush, mother, you're making me ridiculous. Well, in that case then, if it is question of establishment, here it goes! How many horses did you say? Twenty, noble Switzer! I have two hundred horses. How many carriages? Three. I have seventy. Twenty-four of them will hold twelve inside, besides two on the box, without counting the driver and conductor. How many tablecloths have you? How the deuce do I know? Have you four thousand? No. - I have. I have nine thousand six hundred pairs of sheets and blankets, with two thousand four hundred eider-down quilts. I have ten thousand knives and forks, and the same quantity of dessert spoons. I have six hundred servants. I have six palatial establishments, besides two livery stables, a tea garden and a private house. I have four medals for distinguished services I have the rank of an officer and the standing of a gentleman and I have three native languages. Now tell me, what gentleman in Bulgaria can offer as much. Are you the Emperor of Switzerland? My rank is the highest known in Switzerland I'm a free citizen. Then Captain Bluntschli, since you are my daughter's choice, I shall not stand in the way of her happiness. That is Major Petkoff's feeling also. Oh, I shall be only too glad. Two hundred horses! Whew! What says the lady? The lady says that he can keep his tablecloths and his omnibuses. I am not here to be sold to the highest bidder. I won't take that answer. I appealed to you as a fugitive, a beggar, and a starving man. You accepted me. You gave me your hand to kiss, your bed to sleep in, and your roof to shelter me But I did not give them to the Emperor of Switzerland! That's just what I say. Now tell me, who did you give them to. To my chocolate cream soldier! That'll do, thank you. Time's up, Major. You've managed those regiments so well that you are sure to be asked to get rid of some of the Teemok division. Send them home by way of Lom Palanka. Saranoff, don't get married until I come back. I shall be here punctually at five in the evening on Tuesday fortnight. Gracious ladies, good evening. What a man! What a man!

upbeat music, Raina laughs mildly to herself

applauding

I neither know nor care

Well done! Well done, everyone!

Man

Yay! Well done! Jim Ridge, good job. Jim Ridge, Jim Ridge, Jim Ridge!

Cast

Jim Ridge, Jim Ridge, yes! Get back on that horse, brother Ridge.

laughter

Cast

I'll tell you, Brian Mani, ready to go, but you got to know he was scared, right? Got to know he was scared... It wouldn't be an APT season without it. It wouldn't be an APT season without it. I know, we always put it an understudy on at some point in the season. I want to invite Bill Brown onto our panel. Bill Brown, the director. Bill! -

applause

Brenda

Well done, Bill!

Bill

Hey, hey!

laughter and applause

Bill

Fabulous! I see Steve Hinger. Yes, you do. Yes, yes. I'm looking in the background. Yep, yep yep.

Brenda

Bill, I want to ask you a question. All right. Before we get questions from the audience, when we talked about doing this, we also talked about doing some other one-acts and I was wondering what tipped you over into doing this piece with us?

Bill

This-- Well, for one, it's terrific, but I think this-- I adore this. And I did it about... golly, I don't know. Ten-- a bunch of years ago And you sent me a reading. You sent me-- Everyone in this cast, more or less, Jim replacing-- Jim DeVita-- reading it and I thought, I've done a lot of first readings of Shaw plays, and they're usually deadly. -

Brenda laughs

Bill

I mean, you read them at a first reading? You go, why are we doing this play? And it wasn't like that at all. I mean, this group of actors, and I think this can be said about all the actors that work at APT, are dedicated to language and character, and story and truth. So, I mean, those are like four things that really work nicely with Shaw.

Brenda

Yeah, I mean, a lot of times, I didn't like Shaw when it came to APT. And I sat down and watched really good actors do it. And then, I was like, Oh, wait, it's not just a talking head, right? It's not just a political standpoint. This one has a lot more love in it than most of his plays do. Yeah. What do you guys think about it? Did you guys enjoy working on it?

Marcus

Oh, man, so much fun. So much fun this week. It was it was so much-- too much fun at times.

laughter

Marcus

Good fun!

Nate

Melisa and I were talking about how this is the most we've ever gotten to talk to each other on the stage is over Zoom. -

laughter

Melisa

I would say-- I would say, "And off." Yeah!

laughing

Kelsey

That's not true.

Brenda

Oh, my goodness. No, I've got a couple texts from friends who are watching and they're like, these two are so good together. Oh, you're so good. Go back and watch "As You..." last week. They played Orlando and Rosalind last week, too. Yeah. Anyone have anything they want to share before we go to questions? Anything? Sarah Day, were you in this play when we did it before?

Sarah

I was, I was, and Jim Ridge was Bluntschli, right? -

Brenda speaks dramatically

Sarah

Jim Ridge was Bluntschli!

Jim

Took over for a few performances, yeah.

Brenda

I remember. Someone was playing that and then left. I can't remember-- I can't remember. Excuse me?

Jim

John Thompson.

Brenda

Oh, right, John Thompson. Right, exactly. Did you-- And so, it's so interesting to see a play from two different, two different roles, right?

Jim

Oh, my gosh, yeah, yeah. It was a blast. I did eight performances and it rained every single time.

Brenda

Oh, that-- that's terrible. I said, if we don't have mosquitoes and rain at eight o'clock on the dot every night this year I'm gonna be really angry. -

laughter

Sarah

That Internet thing happened. What? So, that's why that Internet thing happened was because it needed you to feel the rain hold.

Brenda

Right, we're all still checking our rain. It's crazy.

David

We are missing the cicadas this year. I was gonna say. - A big cicada year.

Brenda

That's right, this is the year that they hatch.

Nate

It's the 17 year? - Yeah. Oh, good! Awesome!

laughter

Nate

Thank you!

Brenda

Hey, Carey Cannon, do you have any questions from anyone?

Carey

Hi, friends. Yeah, we do have some questions from the audience. Beautiful job, friends. Some of them are technical. And I'd love to ask this as well because we're learning Zoom and Bill came in. And we have from Natalie, "I love the start of the play, "with the black curtains and lights out. Super awesome effects!" I think so too. Bill, can you? Or Brenda, did you want to field that to the group about what how those decisions were made and what you all did to make that feel like nighttime?

Brenda

I just-- all I know is that Bill watched a few of our readings, he watched the other two. And then he was saying we were improving every time we did it. And so then, he decided to improve upon that, as well, like, like we do. Talk about that, Bill.

Bill

Well, yeah, I saw the first two and I thought Aaron did a great job. And then he learned and John learned some things from him. And I'm thinking, what can I learn? And I think that first act is just quite perfect. It's so contained. And there's no... and, but you really need to have a small dark space, I think, to make the suspense and the romance and all that work. So, we talked about it and, I think I'm-- I mean, I am addicted to movies, the 40s and 50s. So this suited me down to the ground, and so, I believe-- and you can help me with this-- But Kelsey was in her bathroom filming it. Sarah was in a closet. And Lisa was behind the curtain, weren't you? Yeah, I was gonna go in a closet but then I couldn't do it. I was getting like, too sweaty.

laughing

Bill

And then, David Daniel came in with a flashlight and lit himself-- In his basement. - In his basement. I will say though, a lot of the fun was having Bill listen to us from different parts of our homes. Sarah had to go out-- almost outside of our house to knock.

laughter

Bill

At one point it was, "The knock isn't masculine enough."

laughing

Bill

We're knocking on everything around us.

Brenda

Where did the gun shots come from? Jacki Singleton. Well done, Jacki.

clapping

Brenda

Sound designer! - Sound designer. Sound designer Jacki? Jacki, well done. Yeah.

Jacki

The gun shot that I downloaded from the Internet is from 1911.

Nate

So, it's actually anachronistic. Yep!

Brenda

Royalty-free, too. That's what we're always really happy about, right? Anyone else have anything to say about the technical questions?

Carey

We do have technical questions about the technical aspects, Bren.

Brenda

Please!

Carey

Triney and Mhari are here.

Brenda

Triney and Mhari!

applause

Carey

They want to know how you guys are lit. How are you all lit?

Brenda

Ring light! - Yep. Ring light. - Yep! Who else has a Ring Light? Yeah, yeah. Sarah's got just-- Kelsey's just got lamps.

Kelsey

My Ring Light is in the mail. There's a delay because-- I don't know if you guys know-- there's a global pandemic. -

laughter

Kelsey

At other times-- I'm sorry, go ahead, Kelsey.

Nate

I was just going to say some of the times, like in the in the first act, I'm lit only by my computer screen, too, because the computer screen affords a certain amount of illumination as we go through it too. So it's all a lot of trial and error and a lot of time with Bill being like, "Well, no, "I think maybe one more light over there. "Wait, can you do it again? "Can you put a big curtain on your window? Just nail it to the wall." -

laughter

Brenda

It's really good. -

overlapping conversation

Brenda

Of course. When we-- when we read the play, I remember the first time, way back in 2000, whatever-- 2004 we were reading it to see if we're going to do it, we kept saying, "We're going to be outside. "It's gonna be daylight. "And there's gonna be-- How do we do this nighttime scene?" Do you remember that, Jim Ridge? Remember doing the nighttime scene in total daylight?

Jim

Yeah, yeah, you know... It's lots of lantern acting. -

laughter

Jim

Oh, well done! -

Brenda laughs

Jim

The best!

Brenda

And then acting like you can't see. You had to, like, put your hand in front of you. Yeah, remember that, I remember that. Oh, outdoor theater.

Carey

Sherry Lundell wants to know how Tim is so green. -

laughter

Carey

How is Tim so green?

Tim

Well, I-- I eat a lot a lot of leafy greens. I get outside in the sun a lot. -

laughter

Tim

It's not easy. No, no, I have-- Exactly, it's not easy. -

laughter

Tim

No, I just have-- I just kind of have a crappy camera in my old laptop and it color corrects, which is why I was wearing, like, a green shirt and a white jacket with this because if I get the right mix of colors, then it kind of makes me look normal.

Carey

We think you look like an El Greco. -

laughter

Carey

Oh!

Tim

Well, that's also the classical features. So, yeah, it's part of that.

snort laughs

Carey

We have-- Paula is asking, now that we've done readings by three different playwrights, do you find that one takes to Zoom better than others? And she also thanks us. She looks forward to Sundays. We do, too, Paula!

Brenda

Anybody? What do you think, Marcus? Which-- You've done-- You've done all three.

Marcus

I feel like, you know, I don't know if, between the three of them, which takes the best, but I feel that classical work takes-- is-- works a lot better on Zoom

than contemporary work does. - Brenda

Yep! Contemporary work is about really, really short lines and the dialogue kind of overlapping, and a lot of overlapping, and it's-- Overlapping is kind of death in Zoom because the-- Your voice-- It only catches one voice on Zoom and so, a lot of that, a lot of it is in subtext in contemporary work and in classical work, -

cough

than contemporary work does. - Brenda

I feel like they try to put the subtext into the language. That's why I feel like I really love it.

But I also think-- - Colleen Madden

No. It plays much better on Zoom.

No. - Brenda

Um, Colleen, we can hear you talking to your dog right now. Colleen Madden.

Marcus

I thought she was saying no to what I was saying. So, did I. - Oh, my god! -

overlapping imitative chatter

Marcus

Boo, Marcus! -

laughter

Colleen

We're in the part of the evening where the dog gets really bitey so I have to gently say no. -

laughter

Brenda

Were you in the reading tonight, Colleen? Was I in the reading? No, did I hear you on, in the reading tonight? Was that your voice? I heard a couple voices. I don't think so. Oh, that's good.

Evelyn

It was, 'cause I muted her.

laughing

Evelyn

Thank you, Evelyn.

Brenda

Okay, so when you watch that video montage, video montage at the top where Colleen's got her face right here, that was all because when we were rehearsing, that's how Colleen... her relationship with the computer. That was

laughing

Brenda

her relationship. I feel much better, though.

Kelsey

She's come so far.

Brenda

Yes, she has, everybody has.

Colleen

I'm still here, everyone. -

laughter

Carey

Okay, Lindsay Christians wants to know that some of the lines like, "All this washing can't be good for the health"-- which I do laugh out loud at-- she can hear getting big laughs up the hill right now. Given all this, how's it feel to you all to perform funny lines like that without an audience?

Marcus

Well, it was lovely to have Bill because bill is such a great-- He's so good at that. He's... he's so... He loves life and plays so much that his laugh really, really kind of tides you over. And then, you just hold on to that, you know.

Melisa

Some-- Bill-- I-- what I loved about Bill when he was directing this is that a lot of directors will just mute themselves so we can't hear anything. But sometimes he would and sometimes he wouldn't. So that was fun. That was fun for us! -

laughter

Melisa

And I forgot that I missed-- I forgot how much I missed that part of it because I'd gotten used to just silence, which is cool. It's the way it is, but it was nice. -

laughter

Nate

It tamps down your worst instincts too, I think, because sometimes when like audience laughter is kind of a drug, and you get addicted to it. And... - D.D. -

raucous laughter, clapping

Nate

But-- but not having the response allows you to, there's like that old story about, I've stopped getting this laugh. How did I stop getting this laugh? It was like, "Because you're asking for the laugh instead of asking for the tea." And it allows you to ask for the tea. Mm-hmm. When you don't have to worry about if you're nailing that bit of comedic math. So... There's some of it that's like really sad because you miss everybody. And there's some of it that's like, "Well, at least we know "that we're just doing this for reals instead of doing this for a specific response."

Brenda

Right, I think that's interesting. Anyone else want to comment on that? I think that's really an interesting perspective about that.

Kelsey

We also see most rehearsal days without any response. It's like the first couple days, stage management's like, that's-- you guys are really funny. And then, the next week, nobody laughs. And then, the next week nobody laughs. And then, finally, you get in front of an audience, and you're like, "Oh, that works. That doesn't work." So, it's a lot like rehearsal, but it's, "Can we get in front of people again?"

Brenda

Yes, we really want to get in front of people again, don't we? It's really sad. Carey, is there any more?

Carey

Yeah, Tracy would like to know, "How's the technical problem"-- Some of you may have noticed we had a slight glitch today-- "How's... How's it different from a rain delay "or someone throwing a line "or the power going out "or a bird landing on the stage? "How's it different when you're Zooming than when it's something goes wrong when you're live?"

Brenda

Well, I can have a glass of wine while it's happening at this point. That's what's different for me.

Carey

I think you may have had a glass of wine up the hill when stuff was happening.

Brenda

Oh, that's true, that's true, that's true, that's true. -

laughter

Brenda

No, but I wonder-- What?

Nate

Is it Jim Ridge?

Brenda

Yeah, Jim, I mean, how was that for you, honestly?

Jim

I lost 10 pounds in water weight.

laughing

Jim

By the time the scene came back I was like sweating buckets. I was like, "Oh, this is great." -

laughter

Jim

But yeah, trying to type and trying to type fast.. What a, what a bummer to sign back in! It's not working! No, don't bring Brian in! Don't bring him in yet! And then, running upstairs and then, try different computer. Yeah, it's really-- it's--

Brenda

I chatted-- -

overlapping voices

Bill

I would ask Sarah the same question because she was left alone for like twenty minutes, it felt like right, right? Right.

Sarah

Well, it was starting to glitch and then I thought I heard like the end. Oh, I was missing 'cuz now I'm answering. I think the cue he was-- -

laughter

Sarah

And it must be my fault. Somebody needs to tell me that I'm outta here. So that was startling! -

laughter

David

Best frozen picture ever, Jim, best frozen picture ever. - Yes, yes.

Brenda

Do it-- Do it for them, D.D.. What did it look like?

David

It was-- -

laughter

David

Oh, we were all-- weren't quite sure if you were just holding for a moment or if you were frozen.

Jim

Yeah, I'm gonna get that laugh, one way or another. -

laughter

Jim

-

snort laugh

Jim

There you are. - Oh, that's good! I know.

Brenda

What else we got on there, Carey?

Carey

We've lots of lovely compliments but there's-- this is a comment from actually from somebody in Tim's family. But I-- Damian Barta says, in this play, I felt that Tim's character in some ways, get short shrift though his character has the most realistic perspective on the social relations. Shaw came in there with some reality, right?

Tim

Yeah. Yeah, I... I mean, I-- I always love my characters anyways because I think you kind of have to regardless of who they are, which one of the things that Shaw does really well is he gives you, he gives you a bunch of different perspectives and I think that what-- I love the interplay, the way that they play with Nicola and Louka together, because they both have-- It almost reminds me of a different generations of, kind of, revolutionaries or really, they're activists. That the one generation gets us-- they get-- they figure out how to get what they can out get of the system they're in and then the next generation says, "I don't want that. I want more." And that's what kind of keeps the whole thing moving forward. And I love the discussions that they get in because I think that, at the end of the day, Nicola has to admire how much spirit she has and even if he doesn't think she's gonna be able to get it because according to his experience it-- that's not attainable, but he does admire that in her and I love that aspect of it.

Brenda

Yeah, that's beautiful. Anybody else about what-- Bill, you want to comment on that?

Bill

I love-- You know what-- I mean-- Sometimes, Jake was taking notes for me, we were-- as we were going through tech. Well, the whole week was tech, but you know what I mean. And at some point, I realized it was a battle for the most interesting couple and everyone, at any given moment, each, each couple could win. Jim and Sarah and I mean all the different kinds of couplings, but I dearly love the scenes between Louka and... help me. Nicola. Ding, yeah, Nicola right. I love them because... it is at the heart of Shaw's social consciousness. It's not mouthpieces. It's two real characters who are risking who are-- who don't want to hate each other or maybe they don't want even know-- love each other, but their conversations are fascinating to me. And I think both of you were wonderful at what needed to be risked in those conversations.

Brenda

Yeah, Kelsey, I think you do a wonderful job as Louka. I want to know what you think about her.

Kelsey

You know, I've always believed that considering the time period he was writing in, Shaw does love women. - Yeah, mm-hmm. Makes his women multi-dimensional, and that includes Raina. And Louka is really fun, Brenda! - Mm-hmm. Maybe we should produce this play. -

laughter

Brenda

You all sent me that text. I got a text from about six of you. Two thousand twenty-two, two thousand twenty-three? Yep, I think you guys made a case, man. I wanna do all these plays now. I want to stage all the plays that we've done in these readings again. It's been amazing watch them.

Kelsey

When you're gonna play the-- someone in the serving class, you think, "Oh, okay, I think I get what this role is going to be, but Louka's surprising. I really like her.

Brenda

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, she's lovely. Anything else, Carey Cannon?

Carey

Most of what's left is gratitude, the audience letting you know that they are laughing. They are there. They're laughing, they're responding to you. They're grateful for having you in their Sundays, and we're grateful, of course, we're having the audience in our Sundays.

Brenda

Yeah, I just have to say, it means the world to us that you guys are coming out. Again, I will thank the actors for being so brave and spending the time so diligently. You guys, you guys have such integrity always. And in this format, it's so hard to keep ourselves focused and to think we're doing something worthwhile. I know that that comes and goes in your minds and I just want to say thank you because you're brilliant and thank you to the audience because you sit and listen. I think these plays work because people in our audience love to listen and I can-- These plays are so wonderful in your mouths. It's just-- It's really, really a treat for those of us that love to listen to you. So, thank you. Thanks, everybody, for watching. Anybody want to say anything before we go?

Kelsey

I just wanna say that, to the couple who dresses up, you made me cry. I had to pull myself together before we started this play. -

Brenda laughs

Brenda

Does anybody have anybody watching from far away tonight in the group? Yes. Where?

Carey

Rachel Healy says it warms her heart to see all of us together up close. And she has some costume notes. Rachel Healy. -

warm laughter

Bill

Of course, she does.

Brenda

Who's got people watching from far away? Anyone? My sister. - Michigan. Triney's in New York. Yeah, pretty intense. Mhari, Mhari is there. Who else?

Melisa

My siblings are watching. My sister's watching in Argentina, I think. -

cheers and applause

Melisa

Had to work in 'iHola, Shagi!' -

laughter

Melisa

And my brother is watching in Idaho.

Brenda

Nice. Oh, I love you guys. This is something that we-- That's really true about this format,

though

we can reach a lot of people that can't come to see us and that's the upside of this and that you're so good. So, thank you, everybody, thank you.

Carey

My cousin Sarah is watching from Santa Clara, and she sat in the pouring rain to see "Born Yesterday." I will never forget that picture. Doesn't rain much in California. They watched that "Born yesterday," my aunt Linda, my cousin Sarah, in the pouring down rain. So, she's watching it from the comfort of her house.

Brenda

Nice, nice. Thank you, everybody, and join us next week next week. What are we doing next week, everybody? J.C. - "Julius Caesar." "Julius Caesar." "Julius Caesar."

Carey

We do have one last question.

Sarah Young is asking me to ask

is that-- there was a question which I typed in the answer to but we may want to say about why we call them readings, as opposed to performances.

Brenda

Because they're reading, yes. They are literally reading. You're reading the script, are you not? -

overlapping voices

Carey

They are reading.

Brenda

Talk about how you're reading because it looks like you're acting. How does that happen in five days? Please someone explain that to someone.

Carey

Yes, Bill and Diane.

Brenda

A lot of people are like how-- they are not reading. Nate, go ahead. How does that work? -

Nate laughing

Nate

So, my screen is split. There's Zoom on left side and my script on the right side. And much like in a rehearsal room, it's like having the book in hand. And most of how I work is to try to like, just keep reading it and keep reading it, and keep reading it, and you're familiar enough that you can go, Oh, I'm looking at you. But now I have to read. Oh, I'm looking at you. Ah, yes, mm-hmm. And when you have them both on your screen, there's like this sort of optical illusion that happens, where it can seem like I'm really engaged with someone on my screen all the time. And sometimes I am, and sometimes I'm tricking you -

Brenda laughs

Nate

because I'm a liar. But sometimes, I'm just looking at the script. So it's a, it's sort of a delicate thing that we're all sort of figuring out about how to keep it feeling like it's alive, but not-- but taking the pressure off ourselves to memorize an entire play in one week. And, as we all say, words matter and expectations matter. So if we set you up with the expectation, that it's a reading, if we mess up, you're like, "Oh, it's just a reading."

laughing

Brenda

Yeah, I mean, it is just a reading. You guys usually spend five or six weeks in rehearsal for these plays. So, it's just that you make it look so easy, and I know that it's not; I know that it's not because I can't even do my intro without forgetting David Daniel's in the play. So, I really appreciate that. I think that, that some of you learn lines a lot quicker than others. So, also, you guys, I can see some people are able to like, look away longer quicker, but it depends on the part, right? It depends on what you're doing. Well, that's the answer to that question everybody.

Bill

Yeah. - I would only add that, you know, it's the-- this is the third one, right? Right. There is no legacy of APT Zoom productions. -

laughter

Bill

We are making this up. And I, I thought, I thought that was kind of fun. I mean, there was something-- And one advantage I find to this is there are no distractions. Everyone's in close-up. There's no exit sign or whippoorwill, or there's nothing, and I think people-- we're learning how to exploit that and, inhabit that but I don't want to-- I don't want to do this a lot. -

Brenda laughs

Bill

No. But, I mean, it was an interesting-- It's been an interesting thing to do and these actors, every time they do it, get more adept. But, I think it's fascinating.

Brenda

Yep, I do too. We'll be doing this for as long as we need to and not any longer. Go ahead, Nate, what were you saying?

Nate

I was just gonna say someone asked if the picture frames were lines? No, they were my wife when she was 12. -

laughter

Nate

And her grandma Mary. Oh, that's nice.

Brenda

All right, thank you, everybody. Thank you, Brian Mani, for like going through that terror and not running away from the-- and acting like you couldn't-- you didn't have a connection on your Internet. -

laughter

Brenda

It was a fun few minutes. All right. Thank you, guys, good bye. See you next week. - Thank you! See you next week. - Bye bye.

Announcer

Funding for APT's "Out of the Woods" is provided by Boardman Clark Law Firm, Arcadia Books, Dane Arts, Nancy A. McDaniel, Natural Resources Foundation of Wisconsin, Orange Tree Imports, Wilson Creek Pottery, Focus Fund for Wisconsin Programming, and Friends of PBS Wisconsin.