Nightmare Theatre

One day the devil came to him For he was a minor demon Asked him to torture Some humans With his two friends in tow Mittens and El Sapo The Baron Mondo Von Doren On Nightmare Theatre - I mean, there's nothing wrong with Part 3, Mittens.

I'm just sayin' that Citizens on Patrol is vastly superior in its writing and pacing the Back in Training.

The character development that results from the promotion of Cadet Zed to Officer Zed alone stands as one of the great moments of film history.

Greetings, my friends, and welcome once again to Nightmare Theatre.

I am, as always, your host, the Baron Mondo Von Doren, and with me is Mittens the werewolf.

We are, as usual, waiting for my lazy, shiftless manservant to show up with tonight's movie.

- Hey Boss, hey Mittens.

How are you fellas doing today?

- Why we are fine and how are?

Are you having a nice day?

Did you get a lot done today?

- Oh yes, did I ever.

Thanks for asking, boss.

I'm doing good.

You know what, wait.

I am great.

Today could be the greatest day of my life.

- Well I am so glad to hear that, El Sapo.

Say are you done with everything you're supposed to do today?

- I think so.

It was a long list but I think I got it done.

- Well good, good.

So what is tonight's movie?

- Oh shoot, I forgot one thing, but I do have this.

Can you queue up what's on here and I'll run get a movie?

I'll be right back.

- Yes, yes I can, I guess.

While El Sapo finds us a movie why don't you folks watch this and if you have any manservant skills please send in your resume.

There's probably gonna be an opening soon and I might need help disposing of a body.

(tense classical music) - You're not gonna let that thing out again, are ya?

- Certainly.

There's (mumbles).

- Might get away like it did last time.

- I created it.

I can control it or destroy it as I can you.

You whom I helped escape from prison.

I control it completely.

(tense classical music) - I don't see what good it is.

The cops won't anything like that walk down the street.

- What could the police or anybody do against an army like them?

(tense classical music) Remotely controlled, we could crush all opposition and make me the most powerful man in the world.

- Hey, watch it!

There's a car outside.

- That will be my wife.

She wants to take me... She's afraid of what I'm doing here yet she knows only a small part of it.

- Let me go in and talk to him alone, Dr. Mallory.

He's been angry with you ever since you refused to continue to work with him.

- I did so only because he was working along lines contrary to the good of mankind.

- I know, he still is.

I hope I can stop him before its too late.

- I'd hate to have you face him alone.

- I don't fear him.

I think he really cares for me.

As much as he can care for anyone.

- Except himself.

- You're not gonna tell her about the new element you discovered, are you?

- Only enough to prove that I have accomplished what they told me was impossible.

Get me one of the magnetized discs.

- But if you're determined to face him alone, I'll wait in there.

- Won't your wife think-- - Silence.

(knocking at door) - Alex.

- Ann, my dear.

- You're glad to see me?

- Very.

I've been wanting a witness to my great crime.

- Oh.

- Yes.

I told Mallory and the others that I found a way to induce a state of suspended animation that couldn't be told from death and that I could find it.

They called me a dreamer and a fool but now I have it and you shall see and tell them.

Come.

You see this disc?

Watch.

(tense classical music) it will not come to you, it will go only to that disc which I have put there by the plant.

That disc there is magnetized by a positive ray of my new element which is unknown to science and this little spider carries the negative.

When the two meet, you shall see.

(tense classical music) - You killed it.

- No, no its not dead.

Nor would a person be under same circumstances.

Its too bad that Mallory is not here to see my triumph.

- I have seen it.

- You.

You were spying.

- Call it that if you wish, Alex, but you made no secret of it now my fear is what are you going to do with it?

- I shall do with it as I wish, not hand it over to the government as you would have me.

- I still think that would be best.

It should be under control for the good of mankind.

You would still receive credit for its discovery.

- They would destroy it if they could.

- But possibly-- - Never will I let it go.

Already a foreign government has offered me millions.

Perhaps I shall sell it to them.

- Don't you realize what a terrific weapon it would be in the hands of unscrupulous people?

- Of course, that is why they shall pay me dearly for it.

- Alex, you must not.

- Then it is my duty to inform the government at once.

- Alex, please.

- Alright.

If it is your duty, do so by all means.

But you will find it a great mistake.

- What do you mean?

- You shall soon learn.

All of you.

- Ann.

- Monk.

Monk.

Get the de-visualizer.

Did you carry out my instructions regarding the work to be done on this?

- Yes, sir.

I strengthened the ionizer but I was afraid to use it.

- I'm not afraid.

They think they know everything that I have but they know nothing of this visualizer that will conceal me from my enemies.

- I'll stay here tonight.

Perhaps I can see him again and persuade him from his mad course.

- And I'll get in touch with the government.

I've already talked with captain west of the war department about Alex.

- They won't punish him, will they?

- No Ann, they'll just keep him and what he has found under control so that he can't misuse it or dispose of it to a country that would.

(groaning) (tense classical music) - You have failed, Monk.

But I will not fail.

I cannot.

- I'll call if I need you.

- Goodnight, Ann.

- Goodnight.

- It is perfect but my shadow.

- But can you come back?

- Surely, I must come back.

And now as the phantom there is nothing that I cannot do.

(electronic beeping) nobody can find our secret workshop without the iron man helping.

- Unless the find the secret entrance to the cave.

- Oh it is concealed so cleverly, nobody could ever find it.

Must be entirely moved by morning.

Take what we need.

- Yes, sir.

(tense classical music) - They must never know about you, the source of all my power.

- Alex?

(whimsical tense classical music) (phone rings) - Mallory, speaking.

Yes, Ann?

- The place seems to be deserted.

- I'll come right out there as soon as I get a call I'm waiting for.

Yes, Captain West of the Army intelligence.

I'll start as soon as he phones me.

Alright, don't worry.

- Much depends on what happens in this house today.

We're going to wait and listen with this.

It's a car.

Probably Mallory.

- Morning, Ann.

- I'm so glad you got here.

- Captain West arrived yet?

- No, how could he?

- Flying down, so I wouldn't be surprised to find him here.

That must be Bob West, its a government plane.

- They are closing in.

They will find nothing.

I have to change my appearance.

- Maybe you better stay here and keep an eye on the plane, Jim.

- Okay.

- Captain West, is it true that Dr. Zorka has disappeared?

- Well do you think its fair for you to know my name and I don't know yours?

- I'm Jean Drew.

- Well what do you doing here?

- The Times sent me.

To look, and listen, and ask questions.

- Sorry, but I'm not allowed to answer any question.

- Do you mind if I go to the house with you?

- Yes, I mind very much.

- You and I better take a little walk, sister.

- I don't believe I've met you.

- Ms. Drew, allow me to present Mr. Jim Daily.

You'll find him very good company.

From what you say, Dr. Zorka has discovered something very important.

- I'm sure he has, highly dangerous, too.

Think what a hostile power could do with it.

- Have you made any search for it?

- No, we thought we better wait till you got here.

- Well let's look in his laboratory.

- Aren't you gonna take that disc?

- I'll get it later.

I'd hate to have one of those spiders find it in my pocket.

- Fools, fools.

Let them search.

They will find nothing.

(tense classical music) - A lot of equipment seems to have been moved.

- You can talk to Rankin of spy ring, I will be with you.

- But.

- On scene.

- Your husband smokes a popular brand.

- But he doesn't.

He can't stand tobacco.

- How about his assistant?

- He had none.

- She's right.

So far as we know, Zorka worked alone.

- The de-visualizer.

Then we will go.

We must be more careful than ever that no one discovers the entrance of our secret garage.

Let's go.

- Well I'll phone headquarters and have his description broadcast.

He'll picked up somewhere, that is if he still answers his own description.

- All clear?

- Yes, sir.

- Then we will go to meet the agent of the spy ring.

- When last seen, he wore a striped trousers, dark foreign hand tie and cut away coat.

No car that we know of but it would take one to carry the things that are missing from his laboratory.

Yes, that's right.

Put this on the teletype right away, would you?

- Pick up that man.

- What do you mean?

Give him a ride.

- Yes, he looks as I used to.

He might be useful to me.

Come, get in.

(tires screech) (tense classical music) - That man is dead.

How fortunate.

It simplifies everything.

Well make it seem that it is the famous Dr. Zorka has been killed.

Then we will get another car and go home and see what they are doing there.

(phone rings) - West speaking.

Right, I've got it.

We'll fly right down there.

There's been a car found, wrecked and burned on highway 10, 50 miles north of here.

There's a body in it, contents of the pockets indicate it was Dr. Zorka.

Identification is important.

Will you go with us?

- [Mallory] You're asking too much, Captain West, Ann is in shock.

- I'll go.

I must know if it was Alex.

- Warm up the plane, will you Jim?

Whenever you're ready, Mrs. Zorka.

(tense classical music) - They are taking my wife to identify the body we left at the car.

She will know it is not mine.

- Can't you stop them-- - But she has one of my discs and she does not know it.

I had just time enough to put that spider into her plane.

She will go into suspended animation so that she cannot identify the dead man.

Then I will take her from them and revive her.

Now get the car ready, quick.

We have to be there as soon as the plane arrives.

- It shouldn't take long.

- I'll check the lab equipment and try to figure out just what's missing.

- Bye.

- Goodbye.

(tense classical music) Say, is there something the matter with that door?

I'm sure I shut it.

- [Man] Doesn't look to me as if you did.

- This wasn't in my bag when I left the house.

- That's the same type of disc that was found under the plane.

- The one the spider went to.

- Are you certain it wasn't in your bag before?

- Positive.

- Hey, let me see it, would you?

I haven't seen one of those things yet.

- Hold on to it, will you, Jim?

I want to send it back to the department.

Are you sure you didn't find it and take it as sort of a keepsake?

- Why, of course I didn't.

- From where the car was found, have you any idea where Dr. Zorka was going?

- None whatever.

(screams) - Jim, what's happening?

The controls are out of order, we have to bail out.

What are you doing here?

Nevermind, bail out.

Can you get into this chute?

- Yes.

(tense classical music) - Welcome back.

I hope you enjoyed chapter one of The Phantom Creeps entitled, The Menacing Power, starring the great Bela Lugosi.

The Phantom Creeps was filmed in 1939 and Lugosi stars as the scientist, Dr. Zorka.

Now Zorka invented the belt to make himself invisible.

Gosh I wish I could invent something to make El Sapo invisible and mute.

Zorka also invented a huge robot and robot spiders, which proved to be far more useful than you might expect.

Musician and film maker, Rob Zombie, is quite a fan of his series and patterned one of his album covers after the robot.

Now serials were very popular back in this time and each serial ended with a cliff hanger, the audience was left in suspense until the following week.

Kind of like how we are in suspense now as we wait for Mr. Useless to return with a movie.

Hopefully we'll find a film for you folks very soon.

Mittens, where is El Sapo, by the way?

He's taking an awfully long time to pick something from that slush pile vault.

- Hey boss, hey Mittens.

I found the movie.

Now I got to warn you, this one was in a sealed crate and it had a warning label and some police caution tape around it.

- Well that's not good.

But given your meager abilities, I guess its all we can expect.

So what's the title of this movie, El Sapo?

- Its called A Bucket of Blood.

- Ah yes, I know this one.

A Bucket of Blood.

1959 Roger Corman fiasco.

In typical fashion, this movie was shot in five days on a budget of $50,000 so I'm guessing at least $49,000 of that went to coffee and cigarettes.

This one stars Ed Nelson, Burt Convy, and the instantly recognizable character actor, Dick Miller.

Shot on the same set as Corman's next film, Little Shop of Horrors, the film is full of bearded hippies, beatniks, losers, and coffee house dead beats of all shapes and sizes.

- So my people.

- Yeah, exactly.

It looks like someone filmed one of your family reunions.

I'd like to take a quick minute to warn you folks, this movie is maximum Corman.

You folks are in for it tonight.

So sit back, relax, have an espresso and get ready to watch A Bucket of Blood here on Nightmare Theatre.

I WILL TALK TO YOU OF ART, [ Saxophone ] FOR THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT, FOR THERE IS NOTHING ELSE.

LIFE IS AN OBSCURE HOBO, BUMMING A RIDE ON THE OMNIBUS OF ART.

BURN GAS BUGGIES... AND WHIP YOUR SOUR CREAM OF CIRCUMSTANCE AND HOPE, AND GO AHEAD AND SLEEP YOUR BLOODY HEADS OFF.

CREATION IS.

ALL ELSE IS NOT.

WHAT IS NOT CREATION IS GRAHAM CRACKERS.

LET IT ALL CRUMBLE TO FEED THE CREATOR.

THE ARTIST IS.

ALL OTHERS ARE NOT.

A CANVAS IS A CANVAS OR A PAINTING.

A ROCK IS A ROCK OR A STATUE.

A SOUND IS A SOUND OR IS MUSIC.

A CREATURE IS A CREATURE OR AN ARTIST.

WHERE ARE JOHN, JOE, JAKE, JIM, JERK ?

DEAD.

DEAD.

DEAD.

THEY WERE NOT BORN.

BEFORE THEY WERE BORN, THEY WERE NOT BORN.

WHERE ARE LEONARDO, REMBRANDT, LUDWIG ?

ALIVE.

ALIVE.

ALIVE.

THEY WERE BORN.

BRING ON THE MULTITUDE WITH A MULTITUDE OF FISHES.

FEED THEM TO THE FISHES FOR LIVER OIL... TO NOURISH THE ARTIST.

STRETCH THEIR SKINS UPON AN EASEL... TO GIVE HIM CANVAS.

CRUSH THEIR BONES INTO A PASTE... THAT HE MIGHT MOLD THEM.

LET THEM DIE.

AND BY THEIR MISERABLE DEATHS...

BECOME THE CLAY WITHIN HIS HANDS... THAT HE MIGHT FORM AN ASHTRAY OR AN ARK.

FOR ALL THAT IS COMES THROUGH THE EYE OF THE ARTIST.

THE REST ARE BLIND FISH SWIMMING IN THE CAVE OF ALONENESS.

SWIM ON, YOU MAUDLIN, MUDDLING, MADDENED FOOLS.

AND DREAM THAT ONE BRIGHT AND SUNNY NIGHT, SOME ARTIST WILL BAIT A HOOK AND LET YOU BITE UPON IT.

BITE HARD AND DIE.

IN HIS STOMACH, YOU ARE VERY CLOSE TO IMMORTALITY.

WALTER ?

WALTER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

I WAS LOOKING AT CARLA'S PICTURE.

DO I PAY YOU TO LOOK AT PICTURES ?

NOW GET TO WORK.

I WAS JUST LOOKIN'.

THERE ARE EMPTY CUPS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

CLEAR THEM OUT.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE SO ROUGH ON HIM, LEONARD.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, WALTER ?

HI.

[ Jazz music ] I THINK I'LL CUT.

THERE'S THE MAN.

HOW YOU MAKIN' IT ?

FINE, MAN.

HOW ABOUT YOU ?

GOOD ENOUGH.

[ Phone Dings ] [ Phone Rings ] VALDEZ.

VICE.

LACROIX CHECKIN' IN.

LOU TOOK OVER A COUPLE OF MINUTES AGO.

ANYTHING NEW AT THE DOOR ?

NOTHING YOU CAN POUND NAILS IN.

A COUPLE OF HUSTLERS.

ONE OF THEM IS SHORT, FAT, BRUNETTE.

NAME'S SKINNY.

THE OTHER ONE WAS SHORT ALSO.

SHE WAS BLEACHED AND SKINNY.

- NAME OF FAT.

- PROBABLY.

I DIDN'T GET IT.

THEY DIDN'T GIVE ANY PITCHES, THOUGH.

GUESS YOU CAN KEEP AN EYE ON 'EM.

OKAY.

ANY HEADS ?

WELL, JERRY SACHS LOOKED LIKE HE WAS STRAIGHT.

I'M SURE HE'S ON IT, ANYWAY.

I DIDN'T SEE ANY PUSHERS AROUND THE PLACE.

LOU SAID HE'D CHECK OUT JERRY AND SOUND HIM OUT IF HE GETS ANY HIGHER.

- I GUESS THAT'S ABOUT IT.

- OKAY, ART.

GO ON HOME AND GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP, YOU FINK.

OKAY.

SO LONG, PAUL.

EVERYONE LISTENED TO MY NEW POEM, BUT DO YOU THINK THEY REALLY HEARD IT ?

- I HEARD IT, MR. BROCK.

- THANK YOU, WALTER.

I'M SURE YOU DID.

"BRING ON THE MULTITUDE WITH A MULTITUDE OF FISHES.

FEED THEM TO THE FISHES FOR LIVER OIL TO NOURISH THE ARTIST."

THAT WAS WORD FOR WORD.

IS IT ?

I'D FORGOTTEN.

YOU DON'T REMEMBER YOUR OWN POEM ?

I REFUSE TO SAY ANYTHING TWICE.

REPETITION IS DEATH.

I DON'T GET IT.

WHEN YOU REPEAT SOMETHING, YOU ARE RELIVING A MOMENT, WASTING IT, SEVERING IT FROM THE OTHER END OF YOUR LIFE.

I BELIEVE ONLY IN NEW IMPRESSIONS, NEW STIMULI, NEW LIFE.

I THOUGHT YOU BELIEVED THAT LIFE IS AN OBSCURE HOBO, BUMMING A RIDE ON THE-- I DO BELIEVE THAT, WALTER, BUT I ALSO BELIEVE CREATIVE LIVING.

TO BE UNCREATIVE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE IN YOUR GRAVE, OR IN THE ARMY.

THEY TRIED TO DRAFT ME ONCE.

I COULDN'T PASS THE TEST.

[ Coughs ] WALTER, LEONARD'S LOOKING AT YOU.

HE'S JUST ABOUT GONE.

WALTER HAS A CLEAR MIND.

ONE DAY, SOMETHING WILL ENTER IT, FEEL LONELY AND LEAVE AGAIN.

TOO MUCH.

YES, CATS, YES.

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW BEATNIKS LIVE, WILLIAM AND ME WILL SHOW YOU.

WE'LL INTRODUCE YOU TO SOME WILD ONES.

YOU MAY EVEN DISCOVER AN ARTIST OF YOUR OWN.

AND HOW MUCH IS THAT GOING TO COST US ?

WHAT COST ?

A COUPLE OF BUCKS.

YOU WANNA MEET SOME BEATNIKS, DON'T YOU ?

I'M JUST CRAZY ABOUT THE ARTISTS.

ALL THAT IS COMES THROUGH THE EYE OF THE ARTIST.

THE REST ARE JUST BLIND FISH SWIMMING IN THE CAVE OF ALONENESS.

OH, YOU MUST BE AN ARTIST.

AND WORKING AS A BUSBOY TOO.

FEED HIM THAT HE WILL BE SATISFIED.

THE ARTIST IS.

ALL OTHERS ARE NOT.

THAT'S MOST INTRIGUING.

ARE YOU A PAINTER ?

WELL, NO.

I WORK-- I'M WORKING ON SOMETHING.

IT'S NOT READY YET.

WHAT IS IT, MAN ?

FINGER PAINTING ?

DRAW ME A PICTURE OF A HOUSE, WALTER.

MAKE SOME SMOKE COMING OUT OF THE CHIMNEY.

I AM WORKING ON SOMETHING.

I'LL SHOW YOU SOON.

WALTER.

IS HE, UH-- [ Blows ] DID YOU GET A GOOD LOOK, KID ?

GO ON HOME.

HELLO, MRS. SWICKARD.

OH, WALTER.

YOU LOOK AWFUL PALE.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO EAT TONIGHT ?

I HAD A SALAMI SANDWICH, MRS. SWICKARD.

IF YOU WERE MY SON-- LET ME FIX YOU A BOWL OF SOUP.

- WON'T TAKE BUT A MINUTE.

- IT'S OKAY.

I CAN FIX MYSELF SOMETHING.

BESIDES, I GOT SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO DO.

OH, SAY, WALTER.

DID YOU SEE FRANKIE TONIGHT WHEN YOU WENT OUT ?

I DIDN'T SEE HIM AT ALL.

IF YOU DO, TELL HIM I'VE GOT A NICE PIECE OF HALIBUT FOR HIM.

TELL HIM THAT ?

I MEAN, DO YOU THINK HE'LL UNDERSTAND ?

HE'S ONLY A CAT.

GOOD NIGHT, WALTER.

[ Cat Meowing ] [ Cat Meowing ] FRANKIE ?

A CANVAS IS A CANVAS OR A PAINTING.

A ROCK IS A ROCK OR A STATUE.

A SOUND IS A SOUND, OR IT'S MUSIC.

COME ON.

BE A NOSE.

BE A NOSE.

[ Cat Meowing ] [ Cat Meowing ] [ Cat Meowing ] FRANKIE, SHUT UP !

[ Cat Meows ] OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER, FRANKIE ?

HOW'D YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A WALL ?

[ Cat Meows ] WAIT A MINUTE.

I'LL GET YOU OUT.

[ Cat Meows ] [ Cat Squeals ] FRANKIE ?

FRANKIE ?

YOU ALL RIGHT, FRANKIE ?

OH, FRANKIE.

OH, FRANKIE.

OH, FRANKIE.

I'M SORRY.

POOR MRS. SWICKARD.

SHE HAD A NICE FRESH PIECE OF HALIBUT FOR YOU.

I'LL GIVE YOU TO HER IN THE MORNING.

REPETITION IS DEATH, FRANKIE.

[ Sobbing ] [ Maxwell's Voice ] LET THEM DIE.

AND BY THEIR MISERABLE DEATHS...

BECOME THE CLAY WITHIN HIS HANDS... THAT HE MIGHT FORM AN ASHTRAY OR AN ARK.

PRAY THAT YOU MIGHT BE HIS DIADEM, GOLD, GLORY, PAINT, CLAY, THAT HE MIGHT TAKE YOU IN HIS MAGIC HANDS... AND WRING FROM YOUR MARROW WONDERS.

WHERE ARE JOHN, JOE, JIM, JERK ?

DEAD.

DEAD.

DEAD.

HI, CARLA.

WELL, WALTER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE SO EARLY ?

I'VE BROUGHT SOMETHING.

I THINK YOU'LL LIKE IT.

TAKE THAT STUFF TO THE LAUNDROMAT, WALTER.

- HUH ?

- DON'T MIND HIM.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ?

IT'S A THING I MADE.

WALTER.

- YOU LIKE IT ?

- WHAT'S HE GOT ?

COME LOOK AT THIS, LEONARD.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT, AN AUCTION ?

- I MADE IT.

- YOU MADE THAT ?

I SAID I DID, DIDN'T I ?

WALTER, IT'S VERY GOOD.

- HONEST ?

- HONEST.

- WHAT'S IT CALLED ?

- DEAD CAT.

- "DEAD CAT" ?

THAT'S ITS NAME ?

- SURE.

- WELL, IT SURE LOOKS DEAD ENOUGH.

- YOU...YOU WANNA BUY IT ?

- BUY IT ?

THAT THING ?

IT'D SCARE PEOPLE OUT OF THE PLACE.

DON'T BE SILLY.

IT'S TREMENDOUS.

LOOK AT THE DETAIL.

THE ANATOMY'S PERFECT.

LOOK AT THE EXPRESSION ON ITS FACE.

HOW COME YOU PUT A KNIFE INTO IT ?

I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

JUST GOT CARRIED AWAY, HUH ?

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL PUT IT IN THE CORNER OF THE ALCOVE.

IF IT SELLS, WE'LL SPLIT 50-50, OKAY ?

SURE.

DOES THIS MEAN I'M AN ARTIST ?

MAYBE SO, IF YOU CAN DO OTHER THINGS AS WELL.

ALL THAT IS COMES THROUGH THE EYE OF THE ARTIST.

YEAH, YOU'RE A REAL ARTIST NOW.

NOW GO IN BACK AND SCRUB DOWN THOSE GARBAGE CANS.

MACH SCHNELL.

YOU REALLY LIKE IT ?

WE LIKE IT.

NOW GO ON.

Hello and welcome back.

We hope you're enjoying A Bucket of Blood.

I think this film accurately captures the beatnik lifestyle and Corman is to be commended.

In fact, I think the beatnik market is currently... Sapo, what is that ridiculous thing on your head?

- Its called a beret, boss.

Its what all beatniks, special forces soldiers, and girl scouts wear.

- Well I know which one you look like.

- I have decided to be a beatnik.

I'm gonna write me up a mess of poems or maybe make a painting or a sculpture.

- Well its funny you should say that, El Sapo, because I've decided to open a coffee house in order to capture some of that beatnik cash and you're just the pigeon to test my new coffee.

You can't be a beatnik without a good cup of coffee, you know?

- Oh I do love coffee, boss.

- See today's beatnik is flushed with cash and full of a self righteous sense of moral superiority.

They are bold individuals who want to stand out from the conformist herd.

So for beatniks like you, I have created Baron Mondo Von Doren's Empty Cups of Frustration fine coffee.

Exclusively served only at Von Doren coffee houses, each sip is a blow against banality and different than the one before because every can contains a different blend of coffee like ingredients.

- Wow, that sounds great.

Is the coffee locally sourced?

- Sure, whatever mumbo jumbo sells this stuff to the rubes.

You and Mittens should go get to work on the coffee house.

I plan to have it open tonight.

So while Mittens and El Sapo get things ready for the opening, why don't we get back to A Bucket of Blood here on Nightmare Theatre.

[ Saxophone ] DID YOU SEE MY CAT ?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU LOSE HIM ?

HOW DO YOU LIKE MY CAT ?

- YOU MADE THIS THING, MAN ?

- UH-HUH.

IT'S CRAZY.

CRAZY.

YOU WANNA BUY IT ?

WHO ME, MAN ?

I'M TAPPED.

- HE LIKES MY CAT.

- GET TO WORK.

HEY, HEY, WALTER.

COME HERE A MINUTE.

HEY, CONGRATULATIONS, MAN.

WALTER, YOU'RE FAMOUS.

I SAW YOUR CAT.

DID YOU LIKE IT, MR. BROCK ?

YOU MAY CALL ME MAXWELL.

HOW'D YOU DO IT, WALTER ?

OH, I JUST TOOK SOME CLAY AND FIXED IT UP.

[ Laughs ] ATTENTION.

ATTENTION, EVERYONE.

AS YOU PASSED THROUGH THESE YELLOW PORTALS, I'M SURE YOU NOTICED ON YOUR RIGHT A SMALL CLAY FIGURE... AND ASSUMED THIS TRANSFIXED EFFIGY... TO BE THE WORK OF A MASTER SCULPTOR.

AND INDEED, SO IT IS.

THAT MASTER SCULPTOR IS IN OUR MIDST.

HE IS NONE OTHER THAN WALTER PAISLEY, OUR VERY OWN BUSBOY, WHOSE HANDS OF GENIUS HAVE BEEN CARRYING AWAY...

THE EMPTY CUPS OF YOUR FRUSTRATIONS.

MARK WELL THIS LAD.

HIS IS THE SILENT VOICE OF CREATION.

WITHIN THE DARK, RICH SOIL OF HUMILITY, HE BLOSSOMS AS THE HOPE OF OUR NEARLY STERILE CENTURY.

BEAUTIFUL, MAXWELL.

BRING ME AN ESPRESSO, WALTER.

MAXWELL, REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.

MAN, YOU ARE IN.

OH, WALTER, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

WONDERFUL !

[ All Talking At Once ] LISTEN, MAN.

YOU GOT A PEN ?

HEY, POPS, WHAT'S HAPPENIN' ?

MAKIN' A BIG SCENE FOR WALTER.

WHO'D HE SHOOT ?

HE MADE A CAT.

OUT OF CLAY.

SEE YOU AROUND.

YEAH.

LATER.

WILL SOMEBODY CLEAR THIS TABLE, PLEASE ?

WILL SOMEBODY CLEAR THIS TABLE ?

DID YOU HEAR THEM, MR. De SANTIS ?

THEY ALL LIKE MY CAT !

YEAH, VERY GOOD.

NOW LOOK, WALTER.

YOU MUST BE TIRED.

WHY DON'T YOUR TAKE THE REST OF THE NIGHT OFF.

- I DON'T WANT TO.

-NO, NO.

YOU GOT IT COMING.

BESIDES, YOU'RE CREATING AN INCIDENT.

WHEN PEOPLE ARE APPLAUDING, THEY DON'T ORDER COFFEE.

SO, GO ON HOME AND WORK ON SOMETHING.

- MAKE ANOTHER CAT.

- WELL, I HAVEN'T GOT ANOTHER CAT.

LOOK.

JUST GO TO THE MOVIES.

PLEASE, WALTER.

GO.

ALL RIGHT, MR. De SANTIS.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, WALTER.

WALTER.

WALTER, WAIT A MINUTE.

OH, HELLO, NAOLIA.

WALTER, I DUG IT.

MY CAT ?

IT WAS THE MOST WONDERFUL, WILDEST, LIKE, WIGGIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

WALTER, YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING TO ME.

SOMETHING DEEP DOWN INSIDE OF MY PRANA.

I HAVE ?

OH, WALTER, I WANNA BE WITH YOU.

YOU'RE CREATIVE.

YOU'VE GOT A HOT LIGHTBULB GLOWING INSIDE OF YOU, AND I WANNA BE WARMED BY IT.

GEE, THAT'S NICE OF YOU, NAOLIA.

WALTER, TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE.

TAKE ME AWAY TO SOME COOL BLUE PLACE AND GAS ME.

I CAN'T.

I GOTTA GO HOME.

OH, THEN I'LL GO HOME WITH YOU.

OH, NO.

MRS. SWICKARD WOULDN'T LIKE THAT.

SHE'S MY LANDLADY.

ISN'T THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU ?

I DON'T THINK SO, NAOLIA.

OH, WALTER.

I CAN'T LET YOU JUST SPLIT LIKE THIS.

I'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

I'VE GOTTA CONTRIBUTE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

WAIT.

WAIT, THERE IS ONE THING I CAN DO.

ONE LITTLE THING.

DON'T LEAVE, WALTER.

I WANNA GIVE YOU SOMETHING.

SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE YOU REMEMBER ME.

PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET.

NOW GO, WALTER.

DON'T LOOK BACK.

JUST GO !

CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH, MR. PAISLEY ?

WHY, CERTAINLY, MY GOOD WOMAN.

EVERYBODY LIKES MY CAT.

YOU WANNA BUY MY STATUE, MISTER ?

TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS ?

OKAY.

GEE, I'LL BE FAMOUS.

AND THEN I CAN ASK CARLA, AND SHE'LL SAY YES.

I KNOW SHE WILL.

[ Knock On Door ] HELLO, WALTER.

OH, HI.

YOU'RE LOU, AIN'T YOU ?

I SEEN YOU AT THE YELLOW DOOR.

COME ON IN.

I WAS JUST MAKING SOME PANCAKES.

YOU CAN HAVE SOME IF YOU LIKE.

- DID YOU SEE MY CAT ?

- YEAH, I SAW YOUR CAT.

I ALSO SAW THAT CHICK LAY THESE ON YOU.

OH, THAT WAS NAOLIA.

SHE'S A NICE GIRL.

SHE'S KIND OF STRANGE, THOUGH.

I GUESS SHE FIGURES I GET HEADACHES OR SOMETHING.

OKAY, WALTER.

WHO'S YOUR CONNECTION ?

- "CONNECTION" ?

- YEAH, CONNECTION.

WHO DO YOU SCORE FROM ?

WHERE DO YOU BUY YOUR HORSE ?

"HORSE" ?

HORSE.

JUNK.

WHITE STUFF.

HEROIN.

IS THAT WHAT THAT IS ?

I NEVER SEEN ANY OF THAT BEFORE.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WAS EXPENSIVE.

YEAH, WALTER, THAT CAN BE REAL EXPENSIVE.

GEE, WASN'T THAT NICE OF NAOLIA TO GIVE ME THAT EXPENSIVE HORSE ?

- WALTER.

- HUH ?

POLICE OFFICER.

OH, YOU'RE LIKE AN UNDERCOVER MAN.

- YOU'RE UNDER ARREST, WALTER.

- UNDER ARREST FOR WHAT ?

POSSESSION OF NARCOTICS.

WHO ME?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?

WALTER, I GOT YOU COLD.

NOW YOU JUST COME ALONG QUIETLY.

I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN'.

NAOLIA GIMME THOSE.

I DIDN'T ASK HER FOR IT.

YOU CAN TELL THEM THAT DOWNTOWN.

NOW LET'S GO.

I AIN'T GOIN' WITH YOU.

WALTER, DO I HAVE TO POINT THIS AT YOU ?

WALTER, DO I HAVE TO POINT THIS AT YOU ?

YOU'RE GONNA SHOOT ME !

NO, DON'T SHOOT ME !

- WALTER, JUST RELAX!

- NO.

YOU'RE GONNA SHOOT ME.

- SHUT UP, WALTER !

- DON'T SHOOT ME !

NO.

YOU'RE GONNA SHOOT ME !

DON'T SHOOT !

[ Knock On Door ] WALTER ?

[ Knock On Door ] WALTER !

WALTER !

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?

I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU SHOUTING A MINUTE AGO.

[ Pots Clinking ] WALTER !

WHAT'S ALL THE NOISE IN HERE ?

NOISE, MRS. SWICKARD ?

WHAT NOISE ?

DON'T TELL ME I DIDN'T HEAR A RACKET.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE ALL ALONE ?

I'M ALWAYS ALONE, MRS. SWICKARD.

WALTER, HAVE YOU BEEN TALKIN' TO YOURSELF AGAIN ?

WELL, I GUESS MAYBE I HAVE, MRS. SWICKARD.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO.

WALTER, YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU NEED IS A GIRL.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PRETTY, SO LONG AS SHE TAKES GOOD CARE OF YOU.

I CAN TAKE REAL GOOD CARE OF MYSELF, MRS. SWICKARD.

WHY DON'T YOU EVER CLEAN IT UP ?

AND WHEN DID YOU CHANGE THESE SHEETS LAST ?

THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE ALIVE.

MRS. SWICKARD, I GOTTA MEET SOME FRIENDS, - AND I GOTTA TAKE A SHOWER.

- CLEAN UP THIS DUMP !

- IF YOU DON'T MIND.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ?

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU, LOU.

BUT IF YOU'D HAVE SHOT ME, YOU'D BE MOPPIN' UP MY BLOOD NOW.

I CAN'T HELP IT IF I GOT SCARED AND HIT YOU.

I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

IT'S CRAZY.

IT'S CRAZY.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD IT IN YOU, WALTER.

HOW'D YOU DO IT ?

WELL, I JUST TOOK SOME CLAY AND FIXED IT UP.

GO HOME AND MAKE SOMETHING, WALTER.

MAKE ANOTHER CAT.

BUT I HAVEN'T GOT ANOTHER CAT.

WELL, I REPORTED IN HERE AROUND MIDNIGHT.

LOU HAD ALREADY BEEN GONE OVER AN HOUR.

NO.

NOBODY SEEMS TO KNOW WHERE HE WENT.

WHY DON'T YOU PUT AN ALERT OUT ON HIM, AND I'LL CHECK ON HIM FROM HERE ?

OKAY.

RIGHT.

-Hello, and welcome back to Nightmare Theatre.

I'd like to talk about something very important to the three of us.

You know, PBS has provided some great shows over the years, and some taglines from those shows have worked their way into our collective vocabulary.

-I'm not sure what you mean there, Boss.

- I mean things like, "Won't you be my neighbor" or "Hey You Guys!"

When you say those words, people automatically know what you mean, and remember PBS shows.

Our childhood memories are forever linked to great PBS programming.

- You know, I wanted to be The Letter Man when I was a kid.

They say he was faster than a rolling "O", more powerful than silent "E", and there are people alive today who will still tell you he could leap capital "T" in a single bound!

What a great guy!

Man, I wish I was that guy!

- You'd have to know how to read to be Letter Man, so that takes you out.

But you know what, I still have time to learn how to read, and there are programs on PBS that willl help me learn how to read!

- Look, those people are not miracle workers.

My point is, from the childrens' programming, to music shows like "Austin CIty Limits", to helpful how-to shows like "This Old House", to great cooking shows, like "America's Test Kitchens", to intriguing current events and news programs like "Frontline" and "P.O.V."

PBS informs AND entertains.

- Exactly like us, Boss!

- Yeah, we're like "Masterpiece" "NOVA" and "Arthur" all rolled into one.

- Which one of those am I?

- It doesn't matter, Sapo.

What matters is that none of those shows would be possible without the support of viewers.

Please support your local PBS station.

You'll get great shows like the ones I've mentioned, and even shows like ours.

- Hey, we are every bit as good as "Victory Garden"!

I can grow a beard like a gnome, and Mittens grew a flower once!

- We are not as good as those shows, and that flower was a weed.

And you would look even more ridiculous with a beard.

So now, let's return to Nightmare Theatre.

But before we do, please remember to support your local PBS station.

(tense instrumental rock) Mr. Roper hears them through the wall.

- Hears them through the wall.

- And he thinks that Chrissy is pregnant.

- Wow.

- But she's not really pregnant.

Its just a big misunderstanding.

You know, its ridiculous.

Oh look, we're back here with the Curator in the, I'll say it again, sub, sub, sub, sub basement here at the station and he's brought us another amazing prop from the Merrill Movie Museum.

So tell us, Curator, what do we have here this week?

- Well, this is actually very special, because its a special effects rig.

This was used in the production of the TV series Ash Versus the Evil Dead of course based on the Evil Dead and Army of Darkness movies and this would of been worn under someones costume so that you could basically gut them with shards of broken glass without actually gutting them with shards of broken glass.

- [El Sapo] And believe me, I know what that feels like.

It happened to me twice.

- Its a pain that's gonna linger.

But yeah so these are actually not glass, even though they look like it.

They're just pieces of plexi, you can touch them and you're not gonna hurt yourself.

- Is this real blood?

- No, its fake blood.

- Its fake blood.

I can taste it now that you mention it.

- Yeah but so this has got straps on it so that it would just go around the torso of the victim and then they could do the shot where they'd been impaled by all the shards of glass.

- So, I mean Ash Versus Evil Dead is one of those shows where a lot of people get impaled by glass, a lot of people get limbs hacked off, a lot of people get bloody.

So on a set like that, is there's a lot of this kind stuff made?

- There's a lot of special effects rigs, a lot of prosthetics, even a lot of, you know Ash very famously has a chainsaw and a boom stick.

There's not just one chainsaw and one boom stick.

There are dozens of them made that are used for different purposes.

Different gimmicks, they might have a blood rig through one of them.

They might have one that's just for show, one that's for stunts.

Even with the costumes, they'll be 30 or 40 versions of the same costumes to be used for different purposes or in different stages of damage, that sort of thing.

- And this is made out of metal, right?

- Actually this is kind of more of like a plastic fiber.

This is, it looks like its metal but its really just a piece of plexi and some foam.

- Like the plate in my head?

- Right.

- So.

- And then these are just attached here really with just screws.

- And so when you see this on screen, the way its edited and the way its shot, we really can't even tell that this being worn by someone, all we're gonna see is these shards of glass sticking out of their body.

- Right, exactly.

- Amazing.

- yeah, this is Hollywood magic, ladies and gentlemen.

Right here on Nightmare Theatre.

So again, why don't you folks get back to the movie, see if you can spot some of the props.

I'm not saying they're gonna be at this level of quality, but look for em in the films tonight that we're watching here on Nightmare Theatre.

THE LITTLE FRAUD.

LOUIS RABY.

AGE 29.

FIVE FOOT, ELEVEN INCHES TALL.

DARK COMPLEXION.

HAIR: BLACK AND CURLY.

LAST SEEN WEARING BLUE JEANS AND GRAY SWEATER.

TIM EVANS WAS A MURDERER ALL IN HIS PRISON CELL AND THOSE WHO READ ABOUT HIS CRIMES THEY DAMNED HIS SOUL TO HELL SAYING, GO DOWN, YOU MURDERER, GO DOWN.

FOR THE MURDER OF HIS OWN TRUE WIFE AND THE KILLIN' OF HIS OWN CHILD THE JURY FOUND HIM GUILTY AND THE HANGIN' JUDGE HE SMILED MAN, DIG THE FUZZ.

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY WANT HERE ?

YOU, MAN, YOU.

HEY, MAYBE THEY'RE LOOKING FOR OLD WALTER.

HE'S THE CRIMINAL TYPE.

AIN'T YOU, WALTER ?

SORRY, MR. De SANTIS.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, WALTER.

SIT DOWN.

GREETINGS, MAN.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SIT WITH THE CUSTOMERS.

SWING !

WHY SHOULDN'T YOU SIT AT THE TABLE ?

AFTER ALL, YOU'RE A BIG ARTIST NOW.

A TRUE CREATOR ABOVE MERE MORTALS.

WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA ?

IDEA ?

I WAS JUST TELLING WALTER THE TRUTH.

A MAN WANTED TO PAY ME ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THE CAT.

IN FACT, HE'S TAKING IT HOME TO SHOW TO HIS WIFE.

PROVES THAT I UNDERESTIMATED WALTER'S ABILITY.

HIS WORK HAS ENORMOUS REALISM.

YOU CAN HARDLY TELL IT FROM THE REAL THING.

BOY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REAL PUT-DOWN.

GET OFF WALTER'S BACK, LEONARD.

AM I ON HIS BACK ?

YOU'RE NOT VERY FUNNY.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE.

WALTER, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA MAKE NEXT ?

A DOG, MAYBE.

OR A BIRD ?

HOW ABOUT A FEW DOZEN COCKROACHES FROM YOUR ROOM ?

HEY, MAN.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE AN ELEPHANT ?

- I-I GOT A NEW ONE.

- GREAT.

WHAT IS IT ?

IT'S A FULL-LENGTH, LIFE-SIZE FIGURE.

CRAZY.

WHAT IS IT CALLED ?

UH, "MURDERED MAN."

- WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE IT ?

- ANYTIME.

HEY, THAT'S A PRETTY FAR-OUT NAME FOR A STATUE.

I SAW A STATUE ONCE.

IT WAS CALLED "THE THIRD TIME PHYLLIS SAW ME, SHE EXPLODED."

MAN, WHAT KIND OF A STATUE WAS THAT ?

IT WAS MADE OUT OF DRIFTWOOD AND DIPPED IN FLOURIC ACID.

IT WAS VERY WILD.

LEONARD!

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL EVENING.

GOTTA MAKE A CALL.

GOTTA CALL LT. VALDEZ.

LISTEN, I WAS WRONG ABOUT MY WIFE.

SHE WANTS THAT CAT AFTER ALL.

I'LL GIVE YOU $100 FOR THE CAT.

I CAN'T TALK TO YOU JUST NOW.

- ALRIGHT THEN, $200!

- NO!

NO!!

$300 AND THAT'S TOPS.

THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THE CAT ?

I KNOW I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND, BUT I'VE BEEN COLLECTING ART PIECES ALL OVER EUROPE FOR YEARS, AND THIS BOY, WALTER PAISLEY, HAS GOT IT.

I WANT TO BUY HIS FIRST WORK.

AND TO MAKE VERY SURE THAT I GET IT, I'LL PAY YOU $500.

FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THE CAT... AND THE FIRST LOOK AT HIS NEXT STUFF.

SOMEONE HAS THE CAT JUST NOW, BUT I'LL HAVE HIM BACK IN A FEW DAYS.

THEN YOU CAN HAVE IT FOR THE $500.

OH, THANK YOU, SIR.

I THINK I'VE MADE A BARGAIN.

CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE READY.

GOOD NIGHT.

LEONARD.

FEEL BETTER ?

LISTEN.

I'M GOING OVER TO WALTER'S LATER, AFTER THE PLACE CLOSES, TO SEE "MURDERED MAN."

YOU FEEL UP TO COMING ALONG ?

...AND A WASHER BEHIND HIS EAR AND THE PRISON BELL WAS TOLLING BUT TIM EVANS DIDN'T HEAR SAYING, GO DOWN, YOU MURDERER, GO DOWN LOOK AT THE SIZE OF IT.

WELL, IT'S-- IT'S NOT REALLY THAT BIG.

I GOT IT ON KIND OF A STAND.

LET'S SEE IT.

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

I AIN'T NEVER DID A PERSON BEFORE.

WALTER, IT'S A MASTERPIECE.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU SET YOUR MIND TO IT.

- IT'S HOT IN HERE.

- YOU WANT ME TO OPEN A WINDOW ?

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE.

COME ON, WALTER.

TAKE OFF THE SHEET.

AND I HOPE I NEVER SEE ANYTHING LIKE IT AGAIN.

NEITHER DO I.

IT'S HIDEOUS, AND IT'S ELOQUENT.

IT EXPRESSES MODERN MAN IN ALL HIS SELF-PITY.

HOW DID YOU EVER FIND THAT IN YOURSELF, WALTER ?

WELL, IT WASN'T EASY.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ?

NOTHING.

NOTHING AT ALL.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE SO SQUEAMISH.

WHAT'S YOUR OPINION, LEONARD ?

DON'T ASK ME.

OH, COME ON.

EVEN YOU MUST SEE ITS VALUE.

DO YOU THINK THAT YOU OR I COULD HAVE CONCEIVED OF SUCH A THING, MUCH LESS EXECUTED IT ?

WELL, THEN ADMIT IT.

IT'S A WORK OF GENIUS.

I ADMIT IT.

THEN LET'S TAKE IT DOWN TO THE YELLOW DOOR.

- NO.

- WHY NOT ?

I'LL TELL YOU, BUT YOU COVER IT UP AGAIN, PLEASE, HUH ?

PLEASE !

THANK YOU.

WHAT IS ALL THIS NONSENSE ?

WHY DO YOU WANT TO HIDE IT ?

WELL, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH TALENT WALTER ACTUALLY HAD.

IT WOULD BE WRONG TO SHOW HIS PIECES ONE AT A TIME.

- DEAD WRONG.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

HE SHOULD BUILD A COLLECTION FIRST.

YES.

THAT'S THE IDEA.

MAYBE WHEN IT'S BIG ENOUGH, WE CAN HAVE A SHOW.

A SHOW ?

JUST FOR ME ?

NO !

NOT EXACTLY.

I MEAN, IT WOULD TAKE YEARS AND YEARS-- IT'S GETTING HOT AGAIN.

IT WOULD TAKE YOU YEARS TO MAKE THAT MANY STATUES, BUT YOUR WORK WOULD BE FEATURED.

IT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA, WALTER.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GAIN RECOGNITION.

THE BIG ART CRITICS AND DEALERS WILL BE THERE.

IT'LL BE AN EVENT.

YES, THEN WE COULD UNLOAD AND SELL THIS STUFF FOR A LOT MORE.

BUT THE SHOW, HOW SOON COULD WE GO ?

DON'T RUSH THINGS.

IT TAKES TIME.

BUT FIRST OF ALL, YOU'VE GOT TO STOP MAKING THESE HORRIBLE STATUES.

CARLA AND I WILL GUIDE YOU.

MAYBE YOU CAN TURN TO FREE-FORM.

FREE-FORM ?

THAT'S THE MOVEMENT TODAY.

WITH HIS TALENT FOR REALISM ?

YOU CAN SEE THE DIRECTION HIS REALISM TAKES.

IT'S UNHEALTHY.

B-BUT YOU SAID I WAS A GENIUS.

I DON'T WANNA BE A BUSBOY ANYMORE.

MAYBE YOU GOT A POINT THERE.

YOU SHOULDN'T KEEP WORKING AT THE YELLOW DOOR.

LOOK.

I'M SURE THAT MAN'S GONNA BUY YOUR DEAD CAT, SO HERE.

HERE'S YOUR FEE IN ADVANCE-- $50.

AND IF YOU NEED MORE, I'VE GOT IT, SO DON'T WORRY.

I'VE GOT GREAT FAITH IN YOU, WALTER.

GEE, $50 FOR SOMETHING I MADE.

NOW YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL.

LET'S GO.

OKAY.

GOOD NIGHT, WALTER.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

YEAH, BUT DON'T RUSH THINGS.

YOU GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.

COME ON, CARLA !

GOOD NIGHT, WALTER.

GOOD NIGHT.

YIPPEE !

DID YOU HOLLER, WALTER ?

I'M AN ARTIST, MRS. SWICKARD.

YEAH ?

OH, SURE YOU ARE, WALTER.

I AM.

LOOK !

GOOD HEAVENS !

[ Singing in Russian ] ONE OF THE GREATEST ADVANCES IN MODERN POETRY IS THE ELIMINATION OF CLARITY.

I'M PROUD TO SAY MY POETRY IS ONLY UNDERSTOOD... BY THAT MINORITY WHICH IS AWARE.

AWARE OF WHAT ?

NOT OF ANYTHING, STUPID.

JUST AWARE.

MAN, THIS PLACE IS BEGINNING TO FEEL LIKE A LINEUP.

YEAH, BABY.

IF IT DON'T COOL OFF PRETTY SOON, I'M GONNA HAUNT SOMEBODY ELSE'S JOINT.

WE MAY HAVE TO START DRINKING.

[ Continues In Russian ] YES, MAN, YES.

YES, THAT'S MY MAN.

YES, MAN, YES.

GOOD EVENING, WALTER.

GOOD EVENING, CARLA.

SYLVIA, DIDN'T YOU SEE ME WAVE MY ZEN STICK ?

WHY, IT'S WALTER PAISLEY.

BRING ME A CAPPUCCINO AND A PIECE OF PAPAYA CHEESECAKE... AND A BOTTLE OF YUGOSLAVIAN WHITE WINE.

YES, SIR, MR. PAISLEY.

GOOD EVENING, WALTER.

MAXWELL, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN ?

I SEE THE REWARDS OF ACHIEVEMENT HAVE COME YOUR WAY.

WELL, AFTER ALL, I'M A SUCCESSFUL SCULPTOR NOW.

INDEED.

HEY, MAN, DIG WALTER THE WIGGER.

HE'S COMIN' ON LIKE HE JUST CURED CANCER.

LET US MAKE THE SCENE.

CRAZY.

I WAS JUST SUGGESTING TO WALTER THAT HE TRY HIS HAND AT FREE-FORM.

WHY DO YOU SUGGEST ANYTHING TO WALTER ?

ARE YOU THE SPOKESMAN FOR SOCIETY, COME TO PUT YOUR STIFLING FINGER IN HIS EYE ?

GOOD EVENING, GENTLEMEN.

WHO INVITED THESE TWO DOWN FROM THE CLOUDS ?

MAXWELL.

YOO-HOO !

CLEAR THE TABLE.

BRING A BOWL.

I MAY BE SICK.

IT'S ALICE THE AWFUL, COME TO SPREAD CHEER AND CHOLERA.

LOOK AT MY SUNTAN, EVERYBODY ?

DO WE HAVE TO ?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, ALICE ?

I WENT TO BIG SUR AND LOOKED FOR HENRY MILLER.

- YOU DIDN'T FIND HIM, I HOPE.

- NO, HE'S IN EUROPE.

WHY IS THE BUSBOY SITTING HERE ?

I'M NOT THE BUSBOY ANYMORE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WALTER HAS BECOME A SCULPTOR.

OH, REALLY ?

I'M A MODEL, YOU KNOW.

I ONLY CHARGE TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO ME ?

I JUST MIGHT.

NEVER MIND THAT.

WALTER'S GONNA TRY FREE-FORM.

THERE YOU GO AGAIN.

I MAY TAKE MY BUSINESS TO THE SORREL SEWER.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS GOING TO SUGGEST TO WALTER... THAT HE TRY A FEMALE FIGURE, AS A CHANGE FROM THE VIOLENT DEATH THEME.

YOU REALLY SHOULD, WALTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT ?

IF YOU LIKE, I'LL BE YOUR MODEL FOR FREE.

I COULDN'T.

NOT YOU.

MAN, IF YOU'RE GONNA BE AN ARTIST, YOU'VE GOTTA DO NUDES.

NUDES.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

AIN'T NOBODY AN ARTIST UNLESS HE DOES NUDES.

WILL YOU GET THEM OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE END UP IN NIGHT COURT ?

LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

I'M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT SCULPTURE.

NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO DO THAT ANYMORE, MUCH LESS THE BUSBOY FROM THE YELLOW DOOR.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT ?

DON'T SHOUT AT ME !

I DON'T LIKE YOU.

NOBODY ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION, WALTER.

YOU'RE JUST A SIMPLE LITTLE FARMBOY, AND THE REST OF US ARE ALL SOPHISTICATED BEATNIKS.

THAT'S ALL, MAN.

LET'S SPLIT.

YEAH, MAN.

I GOTTA MAKE ME SOME AIR.

SEE ?

YOU MADE THEM LEAVE.

WHAT DID I DO ?

THE FIRST BENEFICIAL SERVICE OF YOUR BENIGHTED LIFE.

IT PROVES WE'RE ALL GOOD FOR SOMETHING.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT THIS BUSBOY IS BETTER THAN I ?

YES.

I THINK THIS WHOLE BIT ABOUT HIM BEING A SCULPTOR IS JUST A BIG PUT-ON FOR MY BENEFIT.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I AM A SCULPTOR.

OH, YEAH ?

PROVE IT.

MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF THIS.

THERE.

HAND.

THAT ISN'T A REAL HAND.

IF YOU WERE A SCULPTOR, YOU'D CREATE SOMETHING FOR ME.

A HARPOON WOULD BE VERY NICE.

I'M GOIN' HOME.

ALICE, YOU'RE OBNOXIOUS.

BUT HE'S SUCH AN IDIOT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING NASTY TO YOU THIS EVENING.

SO YOU APOLOGIZED.

GOOD NIGHT.

LISTEN, TWERP.

GET OUT OF HERE AND LET ME GO TO BED.

I DIDN'T FINISH TALKIN' TO YA.

I DECIDED TO MAKE THAT FEMALE FIGURE AFTER ALL.

OH.

I'D LIKE YOU TO POSE FOR IT.

REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT MY PRICE ?

TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR.

IF YOU WANNA PAY IT, I DON'T MIND POSING.

WHEN DO YOU WANNA START WORK ?

TONIGHT ?

YOU MEAN RIGHT NOW ?

UH-HUH.

WAIT TILL I GET MY SWEATER.

YOU COULD USE A LITTLE MORE HEAT AROUND THIS PLACE.

IT'S BAD FOR THE CLAY.

YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.

WELL, I'M ALMOST READY.

HERE.

SIT IN THIS CHAIR, AND I'LL POSE YOU.

KIND OF RICKETY.

HOW'S THIS POSE ?

OH, THAT'S FINE.

IT'S VERY GOOD.

JUST STAY LIKE THAT.

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE VERY MUCH CLAY.

OH, IT'S ENOUGH.

PUT THIS AROUND YOUR NECK.

Hello and welcome back to Nightmare Theatre.

We just opened our coffee house and sadly the turnout has been not quite as good as I hoped.

- Wow boss, what a great turnout, huh?

I say, I heard there's gonna be some open mic poetry reading later.

I got to get in on that.

There is nothing better than beatnik poetry.

- I can't wait.

El Sapo, are you enjoying that cup of coffee?

- Oh very much.

Its great.

- You paid for that coffee, right?

It isn't free.

- Well I just assumed that it was.

- Oh no, its $52 a cup but the refills are only half price.

I've been watching you and by my calculations, you owe me $182.

- That's a lot of money.

I'm a little short this year.

Can I pay you in a poem or a song or how bout an interpretative dance or what about a piece of art?

I made this out of a cat I caught, I mean I based this on a cat I saw out in an alley when I was taking out the garbage.

If you don't like that, I could make a bust out of you or of Mittens, or of both of you if I can get enough clay.

- No we're square on the coffee, its covered.

Why don't you folks get back to A Bucket of Blood here on Nightmare Theatre... Sapo, why don't you put that knife down now?

AHH, BREAKFAST.

WATCH IT.

THE PLATE'S HOT.

ARE THESE FERTILE EGGS ?

ARE THESE EGGS FERTILE ?

NATURALLY.

WHAT DID YOU FRY THEM IN ?

WE RAN OUT OF THE SAFFLOWER SEED OIL, BUT I FOUND A BOTTLE OF PEANUT OIL ON THE SHELF.

DON'T WORRY.

IT'S NOT HYDROGENATED.

IS THAT THE COLD-PRESSED STUFF, OR THE JUNK HILDA BOUGHT BY MISTAKE ?

- YES, MAN, YES.

- HI.

- GOOD MORNING WALTER, WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?

-HAVE SOME BREAKFAST.

-WHAT ARE YOU HAVING ?

SOY AND WHEAT GERM PANCAKES, ORGANIC GUAVA NECTAR, CALCIUM LACTATE AND TOMATO JUICE, AND GARBANZO OMELETTES, SPRINKLED WITH SMOKED YEAST.

JOIN US ?

NO, THANKS.

SOUNDS GREAT, THOUGH.

I BROUGHT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.

COULD I HAVE SOME OF THE GUYS HELP ME ?

- IS IT "MURDERED MAN" ?

- IT'S BETTER.

- COME ON.

- PORTERS !

PUT IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM.

WHEN DID YOU DO THIS, WALTER ?

LAST NIGHT.

IT DOESN'T TAKE ME VERY LONG.

- I SHOULD SAY NOT.

- WELL, LET'S SEE IT, MAN.

WALTER, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I'M HONORED TO KNOW THIS MAN.

DO YOU THINK IT'S NICE ?

YEAH, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

DO YOU THINK IT'S NICER THAN "MURDERED MAN" ?

I DON'T KNOW, WALTER.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO CHOOSE.

THEY'RE BOTH GREAT.

WALTER, I AM DEEPLY MOVED.

TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION, I'M GOING TO GIVE A PARTY TONIGHT AT THE YELLOW DOOR, IN YOUR HONOR.

AND I SHALL COMPOSE A POEM.

[ Flamenco Guitar] SOME MORE CHAMPAGNE, YOUR MAJESTY ?

- HEAR.

HEAR.

- WHERE ?

WHERE ?

THERE.

THERE.

THAT'S FINE.

CAN I HAVE ANOTHER LITTLE KISS ?

WALTER, YOU'RE A LECH.

I AM ?

HERE WE GO !

HERE WE GO !

[ Tapping On Glasses ] ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

WALTER, THE BIRD THAT FLIES NOW, PAYS LATER THROUGH THE NOSE OF AMBIDEXTROUS APATHY.

NECROPHILES MAY DANCE UPON THE PLACE MATS IN AN ORGY OF TOGETHERNESS.

THE HIGHWAY OF LIFE CUTS SHARPLY THROUGH ALL THE SHADY GHETTOS AND THE IVY-COVERED TOMBS.

AND LAUGHTER RINGS FROM EVERY TIME CAPSULE IN THE STAR-SPANGLED FIRMAMENT.

AND IN THE DEEP FREEZE, IT IS THE CHILDREN'S HOUR.

AND NO ONE KNOWS THAT DUNCAN IS MURDERED.

AND NO ONE KNOWS THAT WALTER PAISLEY IS BORN.

DUNCAN KNOWS.

TUESDAY'S SUNRISE KNOWS.

ALLEY CATS AND GARBAGE CANS AND STEAMING PAVEMENTS... AND YOU AND I AND THE NUDE DESCENDING THE STAIRCASE... AND ALL SUCH THINGS WITH SOULS, WE KNOW THAT WALTER PAISLEY IS BORN.

RING RUBBER BELLS.

BEAT COTTON GONGS.

STRIKE SILKEN CYMBALS.

PLAY LEATHERN FLUTES.

THE CATS AND CANS AND YOU AND I... AND ALL SUCH THINGS WITH SOULS, WE SHALL HEAR WALTER PAISLEY IS BORN.

AND THE SOULS BECOME FLESH.

WALTER PAISLEY IS BORN !

[ Applause ] MARVELOUS, DARLING.

MARVELOUS.

MAN, LIKE, THAT WAS THE GREATEST GAS I EVER HEARD.

CRAZY.

WHAT DID HE SAY ?

- DIDN'T YOU HEAR HIM ?

- NO, MAN.

I'M TOO FAR OUT.

MAXWELL, THAT WAS MAGNIFICENT.

I FEEL SO ELEGANT.

WALTER DESERVED EVERY WORD OF IT.

IT MAKES ME SO GLAD I'M AWARE.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID ?

YES, WALTER.

ALL ABOUT ME.

IT'S TRUE, ISN'T IT ?

EVERY WORD.

YOU BETTER HOLD OFF ON THE BUBBLY, ARTIST.

YEAH ?

WHY ?

YOU MIGHT TALK TOO MUCH.

WHAT WOULD I SAY ?

MOST ANYTHING, I EXPECT.

ARE YOU TWO TRYING TO IGNORE THE REST OF US ?

OH, NOT ME, MAXWELL.

I WOULDN'T IGNORE YOU.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE IGNORED.

TELL US WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO NEXT, WALTER.

I'M GOING TO MAKE THE MOST WONDERFUL, WILDEST, WIGGIEST THINGS... YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

I'M GONNA MAKE BIG STATUES AND LITTLE STATUES, TALL STATUES AND SHORT STATUES.

I'M GONNA MAKE STATUES OF NOBODIES AND STATUES OF FAMOUS PEOPLE.

STATUES OF ACTORS AND POETS.

AND PEOPLE WHO SELL THINGS ON TELEVISION.

AND A STATUE OF THE MAYOR.

AND SOME OPERA SINGERS AND THEIR INTIMATE FRIENDS.

AND EVERYBODY WILL SAY, "WALTER, LET ME SHAKE YOUR HAND.

IT'S BEEN A REAL PLEASURE TO HAVE KNOWN YOU."

HEAR.

HEAR.

[ Walter's Voice ] ALLEY CATS AND GARBAGE CANS, THEY KNOW THAT WALTER PAISLEY IS BORN.

RING RUBBER BELLS.

BEAT COTTON GONGS.

STRIKE SILKEN CYMBALS.

PLAY LEATHERN FLUTES.

TELL US WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO NEXT, WALTER.

I'M GONNA MAKE BIG STATUES, LITTLE STATUES.

MOVIE STARS AND POETS AND GUYS WHO SELL THINGS ON TELEVISION.

AND THE MAYOR AND SOME OPERA SINGERS.

WHAT YOU GONNA DO NEXT, WALTER ?

WHAT AM I GONNA DO NEXT ?

WHAT AM I GONNA DO NEXT ?

I GOTTA DO SOMETHING BEFORE THEY FORGET ME.

I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IGNORED.

WHO ARE YOU ?

WHAT DO YOU WANT ?

LIFE IS AN OBSCURE HOBO, BUMMING A RIDE ON THE OMNIBUS OF ART.

HUH ?

WHAT DID YOU SAY ?

WHAT IS NOT CREATION IS GRAHAM CRACKERS.

LET THEM ALL CRUMBLE TO FEED THE CREATOR.

OH, BEAT IT.

YOU MUST BE NUTS.

NO !

NO !

NO !

[ Screams ] - Hi, I'm John Dugan from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and you're watching Nightmare Theatre.

(maniacal laughter) (soft jazz) - As usual, El Sapo is overly influenced by tonight's movie and is convinced that he's a beatnik poet.

I'm afraid he has prepared a poem or something and he wants to read it to us.

God help us all.

- Hello boss.

I scoured the deep dark recesses of my soul and I have prepared a poem.

- So I understand.

There's gonna be no getting around this, is there?

- Nope.

I have a poem and by golly I am going to read it.

Mittens is going to accompany me on the drums.

Maestro, if you please.

I saw the best mimes of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical.

- Wait, wait, wait.

That is not your poem, El Sapo.

That's Howl by Allen Ginsberg.

It is not best mimes, its best minds.

- Oh sorry, I was looking at it wrong.

Again, Mittens, if you please.

I am stuck in the rat race so I cover my face I am the man in the gray flannel mask, I am the wrath of Tom Rath brought back and bringing you to task.

Wait, I don't like that one.

Can we try again?

Alright, Mittens.

I saw a monster in the mirror, he looked at me as I looked at him.

I saw the fear in his eyes and I saw his surprise.

I felt the darkness closing in then I rubbed my eyes and he was gone and I was left all alone.

I saw a monster on a counter as I made my morning toast.

It was hard for me to say which one was scared the most.

I turned to get the jelly and the counter top was bare.

I couldn't find the monster, was he ever really there?

All I see is monsters, monsters everywhere.

Monsters in the mirrors, monsters on the walls, monsters in the shadows and monsters in the halls!

Monsters monsters everywhere.

They look a lot like me.

When I look around, monsters are all I see!

Monsters in my back yard monsters on the grass, monster in my pocket and monsters on my-- - Whoa, whoa, that's enough of that.

Let me guess, you call that one Monsters ?

Wow, that was abysmally bad.

That was perhaps the worst thing I've ever heard.

You are never to repeat that poem.

- Is that because repetition is death?

- No its because that was a horrible boring cliched bit of nonsense.

- Maybe I could write a poem about my knife.

- Whoa, whoa!

No need for that!

Let's get back to the ending of A Bucket of Blood starring Dick Miller, here on Nightmare Theatre.

HELLO, LEONARD.

BEAUTIFUL MORNING, ISN'T IT ?

WAS.

WHAT'S THAT YOU GOT IN THE BOX ?

JUST WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS.

EXTRA !

EXTRA !

HORRIBLE MURDER IN FURNITURE FACTORY.

READ ABOUT THE MAN WHO GOT CUT IN HALF.

EXTRA !

EXTRA !

POLICE CAN ONLY FIND PART OF HIM.

LEONARD.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, LEONARD ?

YOU MADE A BUST.

YEAH.

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL ?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, LEONARD ?

PUT IT DOWN, WALTER.

PLEASE.

WALTER.

WALTER, LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO MAKE ANY MORE STATUES.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ?

NO MORE STATUES.

WELL, WHY NOT ?

I GOTTA MAKE STATUES, LEONARD.

YOU HEARD BROCK.

THEY WANT ME TO MAKE THEM.

IF I STOP MAKIN' THEM, I'LL JUST BE A BUSBOY AGAIN.

BROCK.

HE'S BEHIND ALL OF THIS WITH HIS STUPID, BITTER POETRY.

LISTEN.

YOU'VE GOT TO STOP AND RIGHT AWAY.

I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL RESPONSIBLE.

WHY ?

WHAT DID YOU DO ?

NEVER MIND.

WALTER, I'VE DECIDED TO HAVE THAT SHOW FOR YOU RIGHT AWAY.

YES.

WHEN CARLA COMES, WE'LL HAVE HER WORK UP SOME NICE INVITATIONS.

WE'LL HAVE THEM PRINTED UP.

WE'LL INVITE THE CRITICS AND THE ART COLLECTORS.

WE'LL TELL THEM.

WELL, I DON'T SEE WHY WE CAN'T GO.

MR. LEONARD De SANTIS IS AFRAID TO HAVE YOU COME.

YOU, WHO BUY HIS COFFEE AND LURE HIS TOURISTS.

YOU, WHO ARE THE HEART AND SOUL AND MEAT OF THE YELLOW DOOR.

HE'S SLIGHTED YOU.

DID YOU GET AN INVITATION ?

I DID NOT.

BUT I'M GOING ANYWAY.

NOT TO DRINK HIS CHAMPAGNE, BUT TO SEE WALTER'S TRIUMPH.

AFTER THAT, WE GO NO MORE.

HI, MAXWELL.

I WON'T SAY, "GOOD LUCK," WALTER.

WHY NOT ?

IT WOULD IMPLY THAT YOU COULD NOT SUCCEED ON YOUR ABILITY ALONE.

YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME.

I DO ?

SO DO YOU.

- I MEAN, YOU LOOK SO PRETTY.

- THANK YOU.

- ARE YOU READY ?

- WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.

I KNOW, BUT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.

OKAY.

WE CAN GO NOW IF YOU LIKE.

BYE.

LATER, MAN, LATER.

SWING.

MAN, WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE WALTER WANTS TO GET HER ALONE ?

DO YOU SUPPOSE HE COULD BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO HER ?

NO, MAN.

HE AIN'T THE TYPE.

HE DON'T GET ENOUGH VITAMIN "E." MAXWELL GAVE HIM A BOTTLE OF WHEAT GERM OIL ONCE.

MAYBE HE JUST STARTED TAKING IT.

WHAT DID YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT, WALTER ?

WELL, WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE, CARLA ?

OH, THINKING PEOPLE.

ARTISTIC PEOPLE, I GUESS.

- YOU THINK I'M ARTISTIC ?

- OF COURSE I DO.

THAT MEANS YOU LIKE ME.

I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH, WALTER.

I THOUGHT YOU DID, ON ACCOUNT HOW YOU KISSED ME THE OTHER NIGHT.

OH, THAT WAS FOR YOUR SCULPTURE OF THE GIRL.

YOUR "NUDE IN THE CHAIR."

CARLA, I'VE BEEN ALONE FOR A LONG TIME, AND I KNOW YOU BEEN ALONE 'CAUSE YOU NEVER SEEM TO GO OUT WITH ANYBODY, EVEN THOUGH LEONARD'S ALWAYS ASKING YOU TO GO OUT WITH HIM.

AND I JUST-- WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY ?

CARLA, I DON'T WANT TO MAKE STATUES ANYMORE.

I WANNA GET MARRIED... TO YOU.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS, WALTER ?

OH, FOR-- FOR A LONG TIME.

EVER SINCE YOU FIRST CAME TO WORK AT THE CLUB.

YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO WAS EVER NICE TO ME.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LOVED ME UNTIL YOU KISSED ME.

WALTER, I DO LIKE YOU, AND I DID KISS YOU, BUT THAT WAS BECAUSE OF YOUR WORK.

THERE'S MORE TO BEING IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE THAN JUST THAT.

YOU MEAN YOU DON'T LOVE ME ?

I'M AFRAID THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

BUT-- BUT YOU GOTTA LOVE ME.

WHY DO YOU THINK I MADE THAT STATUE OF ALICE ?

WALTER, I'M SORRY, BUT-- YOU JUST CAN'T BE SORRY.

I WANNA MARRY YOU.

NOW, CALM DOWN, WALTER, AND LET'S GO IN THERE, AND THEN MAYBE WHEN THE SHOW'S OVER, WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT SOME MORE.

WELL, I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

I GET IT.

I SEE THE WHOLE THING NOW.

NOBODY KNOWS THAT WALTER PAISLEY IS BORN.

CARLA, WILL YOU DO ONE FAVOR FOR ME ?

JUST ABOUT ANYTHING, WALTER.

WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE A STATUE OF YOU ?

WOULD YOU REALLY LIKE TO ?

THAT WOULD MAKE ME VERY HAPPY.

OKAY.

TONIGHT.

I'LL MAKE A STATUE OF YOU TONIGHT, OKAY ?

COME ON.

WALTER ?

NO, THANKS.

THIS COULD BRING ABOUT A RETURN TO REALISM.

YES, A ONE-MAN RETURN.

WE HAVE MANY ARTISTS ABOUT BUT NO CRAFTSMEN.

THIS MAN KNOWS HIS ANATOMY.

I'D GIVE 1,500 FOR THIS.

AFTER YOU READ MY REVIEW, IT'LL PROBABLY COST YOU FIVE THOUSAND.

SO, WHAT'S THE TROUBLE ?

WHY SHOULD YOU BE SO DEPRESSED ?

HAVE YOU HEARD THE THINGS THEY'RE SAYING ?

YOU CAN MAKE 25,000 ON THESE PIECES ALONE.

I THOUGHT YOU PUT MONEY DOWN.

I DO, BUT 25 THOU ?

LEAVE ME ALONE.

OUT !

MAN, WE HAVE COME TO MAKE THE SCENE.

HOW ABOUT SOME CAPPUCCINO, MAN ?

WE GOT THE BREAD.

WE'RE NOT OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

THIS IS AN ART EXHIBIT.

NO BUMS.

GET OUT !

THAT ART IS A BUM, MAN.

YEAH, AND HE'S SOBER.

THAT'S HIS PROBLEM.

ALL RIGHT, MAN.

WE'LL WAIT OUTSIDE.

YEAH, YOU WAIT OUTSIDE.

WHERE YOU GOIN', CARLA ?

WHAT'S THE MATTER ?

WALTER, THERE'S A BODY INSIDE THAT STATUE.

OH.

OH, THAT'S ALICE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, CARLA.

MAXWELL SAYS IT'S ALL RIGHT.

"LET THEM BECOME CLAY IN HIS HANDS THAT HE MIGHT MOLD THEM."

WALTER, YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME.

DON'T YOU SEE, CARLA ?

I MADE THEM IMMORTAL.

DON'T YOU SEE ?

I CAN DO THE SAME FOR YOU.

[ Screams ] CALL VALDEZ.

HAVE HIM SEND ME SOME CARS.

I'M GOING AFTER PAISLEY.

I'M GOING WITH YOU.

HEY, MAN, WHAT IS THE SCORE ?

WALTER PAISLEY'S A MURDERER.

MAN, I SAW HIM CHASING CARLA DOWN THE STREET.

[ Lou's Voice ] WALTER.

WHAT WAS THAT ?

NOBODY KNOWS I'M HERE.

WALTER.

NO.

HE COULDN'T KNOW.

THEY'RE DEAD.

HOW COULD THEY KNOW ?

DID YOU SEE HIM ?

[ Alice's Voice ] HE'S HIDING AROUND HERE SOMEPLACE.

[ Lou's Voice ] HE CAN'T HIDE JUST BECAUSE WE'RE IN CLAY AND HE ISN'T.

[ Alice's Voice ] WALTER, GO HOME .

[ Lou's Voice ] HE WON'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO GO.

[ Alice's Voice ] WALTER, GO HOME !

WHERE IS HE ?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ?

[ Lou's Voice ] WALTER.

WALTER.

WE'LL FIND HIM.

[ Alice's Voice ] WE'LL HAVE HIM SOON, LOU.

[ Lou's Voice ] WE'LL TEACH HIM HE CAN'T MURDER US AND GET AWAY WITH IT, WON'T WE ?

WALTER.

WALTER.

WHAT YOU GONNA DO NOW, WALTER ?

I'LL HIDE WHERE THEY'LL NEVER FIND ME.

THERE'S HIS ROOM.

HE'S GONE CRAZY.

PAISLEY !

PAISLEY, OPEN UP !

PAISLEY !

[ Matthew ] I SUPPOSE HE WOULD HAVE CALLED IT "HANGING MAN."

HIS GREATEST WORK.

(jaunty orchestral music) - [Announcer] And now, for a brief or perhaps not so brief announcement about a product that clearly does not exist.

Namely, Baron Mondo Von Doren's Empty Cups of Frustration blend of fine coffee.

Why, you may ask, are we wasting your time with this?

Because El Sapo has once again failed us miserably by selecting as tonight's movie a feature that is hopelessly too short to fill Nightmare Theatre's time slot.

Therefore, we find ourselves in the highly embarrassing position of shamelessly pushing a fictitious product, in a desperate attempt to fill airtime.

Frankly, what is there to say about Baron Mondo von Doren's Empty Cups of Frustration blend of fine coffee?

More importantly, can we say anything at all about slurping this sordid sham without running afoul of the FCC, the FTC, and a host of other federal alphabet agencies?

Clearly we cannot.

Public television stations are expressly forbidden to carry commercial content, moreover, we cannot make calls to action or list price points.

So we find ourselves forced to flog this jerry-rigged jar of java in a commercial that is clearly not a commercial because we would lose our license if it were labeled as such, utilizing price points in the form of a phony Krypto Kurrency, that has to be spelled wrong for legal reasons, all because the Baron's mope of a man servant can't do basic math.

Shall we pretend the Baron's blend is actually good, or perhaps good for you?

Shall we suggest that if you're demon is in the doldrums, or if your werewolf has lost his wherewithal, that a sip of Empty Cups of Frustration will provide the perfect pick me up?

And what exactly is the price point if the money isn't real?

Or does that even matter?

Shall we tell you that caffeinated rapture is yours for only, say, 52 units of Krypto Kurrency?

What if we throw in a plastic spoon?

As they say in every late night infomercial, now how much would you pay, 520 units?

Whatever.

Believe me, the frustration you'll experience if you load up on this lame latte is nothing compared with the frustration your faithful announcer is feeling as he makes this pathetic pitch.

One can only hope that with a little luck, padded with an ample allotment of additional alliteration, enough airtime has been expended for us to say that Nightmare Theatre will return right after this.

(lively big band music) (lilting orchestral music) (claves percussion clapping) (marching music) (timpani drumming) (slide whistle blowing) - Water!

- Water!

- Water!

(lively brass band music) (groaning) (low rumbling) (aggressive yelling) (timpani drumming) (water bubbling) (bird chirping) (low rumbling) (fearful whimpering) - Joe, kill him!

- Not me, him, he did it!

(urgent brass music) (timpani drumming) (suspenseful clarinet music) (distressed cry) - Hey, look at that!

Hey don't do that, don't do that!

(mechanical grinding) (xylophone music) (castanets clapping) (exotic band music) (clapping) (distressed whimpers) - Give me my legs, give me my legs!

(distressed whimpering) (chaotic band music) (timpani drum beating) (mechanical grinding) - Would you, water, I, I'm not (chuckles) What's that?

Hey don't do that, don't do that, don't do do!

(sirens blaring) (energetic band music) (minor piano chord playing) (piano tune playing) (ragtime piano playing) (dramatic piano chords playing) Oh!

Oh!

Aw!

(urgent orchestral music) (nervous violin playing) Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank.

Nice ride!

(hearty laughing) - Oh!

(panicked wailing) - Let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in, let me (yelling).

(urgent orchestral music) (nervous strings playing) (increasingly urgent orchestral music) (pleasant piccolo music) Hello and welcome back, I managed to wrestle the knife away from El Sapo and all is well.

My that was a thrilling ending, wasn't it?

Poor Walter Paisley, he only wanted to be an artist.

- Hey boss, I did it!

I sold that cat I am an artist now!

Someone gave me $200.

- Great, now you can pay for the coffee and since you made the cat while on the clock, I get a management fee.

Pay up!

We hope you enjoyed the movie tonight.

Join us next week for our feature presentation which will be, uh El Sapo, mister artist?

- Oh next week it is this great film.

(tense music) - Come in.

I surprised her in her room, she was not alone.

In my own hands.

I killed her.

- [Narrator] Starring Boris Karloff.

- Take this gun.

Escort this gentlemen from the castle.

If he resists, kill him.

- [Narrator] The Terror.

His evil mystic powers go beyond man's wildest imaginings.

(panting) (screams) The Terror, a power to avenge, to reward, to transform.

- I do love you.

- [Narrator] Is she a blood and flesh beauty a man can enjoy?

- I am possessed of the dead.

- [Narrator] Or is she a gossamer myth?

Created by a madman distorted desires?

- Take your life as you took mine and bring us together forever.

- [Narrator] Join Boris Karloff, the Frankenstein monster of all horror motion pictures in his most blood chilling screen experience.

(shouts) (tense classical music) (screams) - Now doesn't that look interesting?

- Oh my stars and garters, that looks horrible.

But we hope you'll tune in anyway for "The Terror" and chapter two of "The Phantom Creeps" and as always, may all your dreams be nightmares.

(lightning strikes)