Miriam and Alan: Lost in Scotland

-Yes, she's back.

-[ Laughs ] -You said I go right, here?

-Go straight ahead!

-I shouldn't turn round?

-Go straight ahead.

-Alright.

Alright.

-Don't argue!

-Miriam Margolyes, legendary actress, teller of tales, and all-round national treasure.

-[ Sneezes ] I bet you sometimes wish I was Joanna Lumley.

My far-too-generous companion is Alan Cumming.

-It's a little alarming.

-Actor, singer, dancer, writer.

There seems no end to his talents.

-Magic.

Last year, we went on quite the adventure.

Oh, this could be mine, Miriam.

Mine!

-Well, I don't know about that.

-Sharing our most personal memories of our beloved Scotland.

I wish they could see that we've come back.

-But we only scratched the surface, so now, against all good sense... -Yay!

-...we're back.

Once more unto the breach.

-[Slurring] It's great, isn't it?

-Older but not necessarily wiser... -Ready, Miriam?

-Uh, about as ready as I'll ever be, I think.

...but nonetheless determined to travel even further... -Isn't this gorgeous?

Absolutely magical.

To spectacular locations.

-When you're short, you never see all this.

-Whoa!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

They're right there.

-...to catch up with some much loved old friends... -She's very lewd, this woman.

-...and make some very interesting new ones.

So we're about to plunder the bounty of Skye now.

-I take the rear?

-Not my rear.

-[ Chuckles ] -And like all good sequels, this promises to be even bigger and better... -Shall we hit the road?

-...as Alan and I head to America to share another chapter in our lives.

-We're in California!

-It's just the same.

Let's just say we both have some tales to tell.

-I am taking you, Miriam, to a drug den.

-You smell it?

-I mean, I have worn a harness in my life.

-Oh, my goodness!

-I think you look like Sophia Loren.

[ Laughs ] -And after so many years away, I'm more than ready to dive back in.

-The question is, Miriam, are they ready for you?

-[Bleep] off!

-To start the adventure, I want to share a rather special train journey with Alan, who appears to have brought an adorable little friend along for the ride.

-Hello!

-Miriam!

Oh, I'm on the wrong platform.

-Be careful!

-Come on, Lala.

Quick.

-Alan's indulging a whim of mine, to travel on the Hogwarts Express, also known as the Jacobite steam train, made famous in the "Harry Potter" movies in which I played Professor Sprout.

-This is Lala.

It's our new travel companion.

-Oh.

Lala.

-Hi, my darling.

-Oh.

Wonderful.

-Aww.

Missed you.

-How great to see you.

-You too.

I've got so many layers on.

It was cold.

-Why do you look peculiar?

-[ Laughs ] It starts.

Uh, I look peculiar because... -Oh, Jesus.

-I'm doing this show, and I'm playing Robert Burns.

-You look like Snape.

But it's hideous, darling, honestly.

Look.

You're very good-looking.

-Thanks.

-You're a lovely-looking bloke.

-Could I turn you?

-No.

[ Laughs ] Not now.

At 81, darling?

Do me a favor.

-The pendulum's swung.

-I'm afraid.

I'm as dry as a nun's nasty, you know.

[ Laughter ] So, we are on our way.

Professor Sprout and Snape.

-I'll be right behind you, Miss Margolyes.

A tip would be appreciated.

-[ Laughs ] -We're leaving this sweet village behind and heading slightly southeast and towards the viaduct.

From there, we'll steam towards Fort William, where we'll meet our new RV, our mode of transport for the remainder of the trip.

I don't know why I go abroad when I see how beautiful Scotland is.

-We'll drive across the Highlands to the Cairngorms then onwards to Tayside and finally pull up at the Bonnie Banks of Loch Lomond.

-Look at that.

Isn't that gorgeous?

-Yes.

The great thing is, you can look out the window and you can see the train bending.

-I do marvel at the Victorians' ingenuity.

The Glenfinnan Viaduct is a masterclass in engineering.

Built in 1890, it has 21 huge arches and is a staggering 31 meters off the ground.

-Do you know what you're not allowed to do on a train in Scotland?

-What?

-[ Laughs ] -I was going to say all kinds of rude things.

-You're not allowed to do that, either, but you're not allowed to sing.

-Not allowed to sing?

-Apparently it's a rule.

You're not allowed to sing on a train.

-But people sing all the time on trains.

-[Whispering] Let's sing, Miriam.

I love a lassie, a bonnie bonnie lassie She's as sweet as the heather in the glen She's as sweet as the heather The bonnie purple heather Miriam, my wee Jewish hen [ Laughter ] -Having evaded the police after that criminal performance, we've arrived in Fort William on the shores of Loch Linnhe in the shadows of Ben Nevis.

And it's our first chance to check out our glitzy new vehicle before we hit the road.

-This is the bit where I touched your bum last time, and a nation balked.

-Did they?

I don't remember it.

-I said, "Can I touch your bum?"

You said, "I want you to!"

-This is nice.

I like this.

-A specially knitted...holder.

Topless for Miriam's pleasure.

Oh, it's a double bed, Miriam.

Uh-oh.

-Don't get ideas.

-[ Laughs ] Don't worry, Miriam.

I'm already spoken for.

On the road again With a full tank and the open road ahead of us, we head east, and it seems the Scottish scenery is already stirring something in Miriam.

-I feel overexcited.

-I know.

I can tell.

You're like a giggly schoolgirl this morning.

-I can't think of any part of Scotland that I don't love.

I had a crush on a lovely girl at school, and her father was Scots, and they were having a holiday in Scotland.

And I remember that we met them, and it was terribly exciting for me.

-Ooh.

You're getting to, like, vacation with your crush.

-It was thrilling.

[ Laughs ] -All your hormones ablaze.

-They're not blazing anymore, and I'm quite glad of it.

-[ Chuckles ] -But even when I was young, there was a part of Scotland that I never got to explore -- the majestic and rugged landscape of the Cairngorms.

-I definitely think the Cairngorms is for me.

-The breadth, the color, the sky.

An incredible view.

And the loch there.

-The Cairngorms are renowned across the U.K. as a paradise for hikers, bikers, and rock climbers.

But this playground for adrenaline junkies also has a huge focus on accessibility, with wheelchair-friendly trails, mobility scooters for hire, and other specially designed equipment for inclusive outdoor adventure.

-As a newly disabled person, what is wonderful is to go out and not be limited and disabled.

It gives you freedom.

-It opens up all that beauty and experience of nature to a whole swathe of people who had been stuck at home before.

What nobody told me is that today's mobility scooter is a tandem model.

-Which means, for once, Alan has to take a back seat.

-Heaven help me.

-But before we set off, I want a little protective gear from those pesky midges.

Okay?

-Yes.

Alright.

-Right.

-This is so exciting.

I feel like I'm being driven through the Cairngorms by a bank robber.

-I can't believe I'm actually doing this.

-I can't believe it, either.

It's the first time you've driven me in this whole show.

-It's so wonderful at last to be free to explore and go wherever I want.

-At least that's the theory.

-Now, how do I go backward?

-Do you want me to do it?

-I want to try to do it on my own.

-Okay.

Whoa.

That's enough.

Stop.

Yeah.

Go forward now.

-Oh.

-You have to go really -- Right hand down before you start.

Oh.

Stop.

Yes.

And now left hand down.

All the way to the right.

And go forward.

Forward, Miriam.

Forward.

-I am going... -You're not going forward.

Put them to the left and go backwards.

-Even if I push this one, it goes back.

-Stop, stop.

Now all the way to the right and go forward.

That's it.

-It's not -- It won't respond.

-Right hand down.

-I'll go just a little bit further.

It's just terrible not to be able to see behind you.

-I've got your behind, as it were.

-Right.

I move -- I'm going -- -Go forward.

That's good.

Keep going.

-That's as far as it'll go.

-Oh.

What the hell?

Uh, a bit stuck, Miriam.

-Now, I had hoped this afternoon not to need assistance, but we could be here till nightfall at this rate.

-Can we have -- Oh, look.

Just a passing strong young gentleman is here to help us.

Not anything to do with this program.

Forward, Miriam.

While my driver concentrates on the path ahead, I'm getting to grips with yet another innovation the Cairngorms has to offer.

Yes, these mountains are not just wheelchair-accessible.

They've gone digital, too.

There's a thing called geocaching.

Do you know what that is?

-No, I don't.

-So, you get this app, and then basically people leave little presents all around the world, I suppose.

And there's one right near us.

See that there?

-Yeah.

-That's us.

The little blue dot.

The green dot is the present.

And you click on it.

-It's quite near.

-Old Logging Way.

Single track.

With a view.

Yes.

And let's click on that.

And then there's a hint.

"Pine ditch" is the hint.

Lala and I are dismounting to do some geocaching.

-Well, I guess I'm missing out on all the fun, but, then, I'm the driver.

-You're the driver.

Hang on.

Pine ditch.

-I love being entirely passive.

-[ Gasps ] I found it!

I found it!

-What?!

-Look at this!

It's a little plastic tub.

Back up, Miriam.

There you are.

Look at this.

This was just under this piece of wood, under this pine.

-Oh, I like the Tupperware box.

What is it?

-It's got two clothes pegs, a little rubber bracelet that says "Canada" on it.

And are these -- What are these?

Pretend little Skittles.

-I don't think much of that.

-Skittles in a bowl.

And a little -- Maybe this is a message.

Let me see.

-Can't we just tip the things out and keep the box?

-What is it?

Oh, it's a big, long, like, strip of papers.

Oh, these are all the people who have found it before.

Oh, there's loads here.

That's in 2020.

This has been going since 2020, a little bit earlier.

So you just leave a little present, and then it's kind of nice.

-What are we going to leave?

-I'm going to put my compass in to really up the ante of the presents.

-And I leave a permanent record, too, even for those who don't know my illustrious name.

I'll put "Miriam Margolyes."

And I'll put in brackets -- "Professor Sprout and Alan Cumming were here."

-So that's exciting.

Are you ready, Lala?

Come here.

Okay.

-Just beautiful.

-So what do we do now?

Where do you want me to go?

Straight on?

-Follow the road.

Straight as you possibly can, Miriam.

I'm getting real flashbacks to my Boy Scout days.

-[Laughing] Don't give us all the details, please.

I had to leave the Guides because my breasts were too big.

And I was so embarrassed because when we -- when we lined up, the commissioner had to step back... [Laughing] ...in order to get past me.

For those lucky enough to venture this far into the park, there's a wonderful treat lying in wait.

-Oh, this is the reindeer place.

-The Cairngorms Reindeer Center.

-This is the reindeer place.

Let's go and see the reindeer.

Right.

Stop!

-Okay.

-Reindeer were once native to Scotland but sadly died out around 1,000 years ago.

-However, just like me, they're making a welcome return to these bonnie hills, and it's all thanks to the work of the breeding program created here.

Beginning with just two bulls and five cows, the herd now numbers 150.

-Nice to meet you.

I'm Ruth.

-Oh, hello.

-I'm, yeah, one of the reindeer herders.

-Are you in charge of...?

-Not in charge, but, yeah, one of the full-time reindeer herders here working at the center.

-When did they get introduced here?

-70 years ago.

This year is a big anniversary for us.

-Why are some horns different?

-Yeah.

Good question.

-Some are more horny than others.

-Normally, the chances of getting to see these beauties needs a long hike and a pair of strong binoculars, But they're a greedy bunch and are more than happy to make an appearance for their favorite nosh.

I'm going to leave these sticks 'cause it might frighten them.

-I think your midge net's is going to be more terrifying, frankly.

Look.

Oh, look at their eyes.

Hello.

-Oh, my goodness.

-Can I give him some...?

-Yeah.

Of course.

So this is Dr. Zeus.

He's a 5-year old boy, male.

He cannot bite you.

So the best thing is to curl your fingers, make a ball.

-Ahh.

[ Laughs ] Oh, it's so tickly.

[ Laughs ] -Oh, my goodness!

-Isn't it funny?

Oh.

Give you some of that one.

-Dr. Zeus is a greedy one.

-I find closeness to animals really moving.

-Oh, darling, you're right.

-It's so wonderful.

You lovely thing.

-He's so sweet.

-Can you touch them?

-They don't actually like to be touched too much.

They don't mind it if you've got food for them.

-Alright.

-See their huge feet, though.

Absolutely massive.

-Massive feet.

-Aren't they?

-like snowshoes.

Those big feet, as well, good for shoveling the snow.

They can smell their favorite food under about a meter of snow, and so... -But they are cloven.

-Mm-hmm.

Yes.

-Do they chew the cud?

-They do, yeah.

They're a ruminant.

-No, that means they're kosher.

So I could eat them if I weren't somebody who didn't eat... -That makes, of course -- -That's means that you can -- That's why we can't eat pigs.

-I don't blame the poor beasts for looking a little nervous.

-[ Fart ] -Ooh.

Excuse me.

[ Laughter ] -I can fart, too, you know.

-[ Fart ] -There.

-I can't believe this is my life.

-But I don't want to be outdone by a reindeer.

-No.

[ Laughter ] -There's another geocache coming up.

-Is there something there?

-Yes!

Ooh!

-Geocaching.

"Congratulations.

You found it.

I would love for you to write a short poem or haiku in the logbook."

Oh, would you, now?

-"Roses are red, violets are bluish.

Alan's gay, and I'm Jewish."

[ Laughs ] How about that?

-Technically bisexual, but we'll let it pass right now.

It's time for the next leg of our journey, heading southeast to Dundee, where I have a surprise waiting in store for Miriam.

-I'm getting the sense Alan's in a playful mood.

-Guess where we're going.

-Oh, you're awful!

It's shocking when you say that.

-Well?

-Well, I don't know.

-We're going to Dundee Rep. Dundee Repertory Theatre.

-Dundee -- Oh, you were there, weren't you?

-I have trodden the boards of Dundee Rep, yes, several times, Miriam, in my youth.

But, you know, it's exciting because Dundee Rep is the only permanent full-time company of its kind in Scotland.

This has a very special place in my heart.

Some of my earliest theatrical moments were on stage here in Dundee, and I've been in the good company of alumni such as Joanna Lumley, David Tennant, and one special man in particular.

We're going to meet someone there.

-Oh, God.

You're gonna ask me to guess who we're gonna meet.

-Guess who it could be.

-I -- Honestly, I don't know.

-You know Dundee's famous for jute, jam, and journalism.

And journalism.

I know that.

-Well, we're going to meet... -A journalist.

-...a jam.

-Oh.

[ Laughs ] We're going to meet a raspberry.

-I think Miriam will be providing quite enough of those on this trip.

For those of you playing at home, this is the legend we're about to meet.

At 14 years of age, he got his first job at Dundee Rep before going on to the RSC and then, in quick, ahem, succession, Hollywood fame and fortune.

-It had better be someone I like.

That's all I can say.

-Uh, Miriam?

-Yeah.

-There's a surprise around the corner.

-I hate it when people say that.

-But this is a lovely... -What's going on?

-...Scottish delicious surprise.

-Oh, yes!

-In the name of some big house!

-Have a seats.

-Of course.

Excuse my manners.

I don't live here.

I'll have to warn you of that.

I'm just passing by.

-I love what you've done with the place.

-What an unexpected delight to see our old friend Brian Cox, a bona fide Hollywood superstar, born and bred right here in Dundee.

-How do you two know each other?

When did you first meet?

Do you remember?

-I have no idea.

-I have no idea.

She's always been omnipresent in my life.

-Mine too.

-And, you know, she's just -- You know, she's sacred.

You are.

You're sacred, Miriam.

-A sacred cow.

Well, I wasn't going to go that far.

I was going to be more polite than that.

-Yeah, we let her just wander.

-I mean, I've always been a huge fan of yours.

I mean, ever since you could do all those sexy voices.

What was those ads that you did?

-Manikin Cigars.

-Yes.

-Cadbury's Caramel.

-Miriam Margolyes.

And then I thought, "My God.

This voice.

It's amazing."

I fell in love with your voice, I have to say.

-And then you met me.

-No, but -- That made me more in love.

Even more in love when I met you.

-So how did you come -- What's your connection with Dundee Rep?

-This is where I started.

I was -- I was a kid, and I wanted to be an actor.

These are a couple of photos which I've discovered.

That's me when I was 13 at Saint Michael's School.

-Oh.

-Shut up.

Look at you.

-I know.

-So cute.

Wee divot.

-Yeah.

-Right.

-Then we have me in my favorite position surrounded by the girls.

-Look at you surrounded by all that glamour.

-That was it.

I was 3.

This is me and my dad.

This is my favorite photograph of all times.

This is my dad.

He's sitting on my trike.

-Oh, yes.

-And he's putting a buttonhole in my lapel.

-Aww.

-You know, my dad would get me out of bed at 1:00 in the morning.

So I'd come out in my pajamas and I would do Jolson impersonations.

But what I always remembered was the effect on the room.

And I thought, "What are..." As a wee soul, I thought, "What's that?"

There's a change in the energy.

The energy shifted in an extraordinary way.

And I thought, "I want that.

I want whatever that is."

So I thought, "That's what I want to do."

So I never realized anything else.

-But you've had very different backgrounds, really, because yours was a loving, close family.

-Oh, yeah.

-And yours... -Oh, my dad, yeah.

-Quite the reverse.

-Quite the reverse.

My mum -- -Quite the reverse.

-My dad was mad.

Mad and violent.

The theater was an escape in that way, you know.

When I started doing plays and things, it was the thing away from all the kind of stuff that was going on at home with my dad.

It was the first thing I felt sort of made me flourish.

-We should have a look at the theater because I haven't seen it.

For all of us, this was our playground, and coming backstage really brings back those happy memories.

-Oh, that smell.

Unmistakable.

Slightly mothbally.

-Actors' B.O.

-Actors' B.O., yes.

-Yeah.

-I think a lot of it is, actually.

-Are you looking for something?

-Oh, we steal things from shows, don't you?

-I dress myself entirely from the shows that I'm involved in.

-The only thing I took away was a pair of socks from when I was Professor Sprout.

-Was that your biggest -- -From "Harry Potter."

-That was your biggest steal?

-That was my biggest steal.

[ Laughter ] One of my first appearances, I was playing a drunk.

The carpenter had put casters on the chair.

And I sat down heavily, you know, being drunk.

And I was thinking to myself, "Gosh, I'm really doing this well because I feel as if I'm moving.

I feel as if I'm going downstage."

Well, of course, I was going downstage.

I didn't -- I didn't know until we were right on the edge of the stage, and below me, the whole thing fell into the front row.

I fell with it on an unfortunate punter.

[ Laughter ] -[ Speaking indistinctly ] [ Laughter ] I'm just sort of happy to be in a theater again.

-I know.

-When you ask young people, "Do you want to be an actor?"

they always say, "I want to be a star.

I want to be a star."

-Well, that -- -That is fatal.

That's fatal.

-That was the great advice I got.

Don't worry about being a star.

Just be a good actor.

And it was the best advice ever.

-We love theater.

We're in this little place here and we're remembering things that made us happy.

-And we're not the only ones.

I'm pleased to say there's a whole new generation of eager young actors finding joy treading the boards.

-I bet they're just dying for some advice from three old fossils.

-After the first mouthful, do you know what he says to me, Dolly?

-No.

-He says, "Where do you get that mint..." -Come on, love.

Hi, everybody.

Hello.

Oh, sorry for interrupting.

Sorry.

-Hello.

-You've bumped into us doing this famous mint scene from "The Steamie," which is infamous for its hilarity.

-So what is your group?

-We're actually from Dundee & Angus College.

-So you want to be actors.

-Yeah.

-I believe so, yeah.

-Yeah.

I've always wanted to be an actor since, like, a kid -- you know, like, always watching the shows and being like, "I want to do that."

It just seems like a big family that you just want to get involved in, you know?

Not just the actors, but you also meet everyone else that does the work behind you.

And you're like, "Whoa.

There's so many of you."

-All these people in the dark.

-What we call in the trade the "nuisances."

-Yeah.

[ Laughter ] -They're good for a [bleep] and nothing else, you know?

-Oh!

Darling!

She's very lewd, this woman.

-I am.

-I didn't know I was going to be spending the afternoon with a lewd woman.

-Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Miriam.

-Miriam, you're impossible.

-Sorry.

Sorry.

-So, for you guys, when you were starting off as young actors, obviously it was a bit different back then between theater and film, but how did you decide which one you preferred back then?

-I was totally crazy for the pictures -- cinema.

That was my whole thing about wanting to be an actor.

But then you realize when you come into a theater what that's about, and it kind of alters you.

And I remember going to see my first play.

And live actors.

I had no idea about live actors.

I didn't know, because they were all celluloid actors.

So to see a live actor on stage was like, "Wow.

This is amazing.

You know, look.

They're actually live.

They're there.

-And do you know what I think is so lovely about Brian?

He was working at this theater, and it burned down.

And they had to stop him from running into the theater.

-Yeah.

I wanted to save it.

The firemen wouldn't let me in.

It was my home.

I used to sleep there because my mum was not a particularly well person.

So I would -- Every opportunity, I would sleep under the stage.

I would -- I would stay there, and I would pretend that I'd go home at night, and I didn't go home at night because I just -- I would sneak back in and I would make myself a bed under the stage and sleep there.

I loved it.

-Brian is truly a man of his craft, and it's such a treat to see him on home turf, but it's time to say our farewells.

-This has been wonderful.

-Thank you.

It's been wonderful.

-Good to see you, old chum.

Love you.

-I love you, too.

-See you soon.

-Miriam Margolyes and I are weaving our way around Scotland's top spots in our trusty RV, Taking in all the delights Scotland has to offer.

Look at that big bull.

-How do you know it's a bull?

He's sitting down.

-You can spot B.D.E.

from a mile off.

You know about B.D.E.

-No.

-Big...Energy.

No.

It's a thing, Miriam.

It's about a confidence and a sort of lack of "I don't care what you think of it."

You've got B.D.E., for sure.

-[ Laughs ] -Even though you don't have a D. You don't have to have a D to have B.D.E.

-I see.

It's more of an attitude, is it?

Yeah.

[ Laughs ] Are you well-hung?

-No complaints, Miriam.

No complaints.

-No complaints.

-Yeah.

-I'm just well-drooped, I'm afraid.

[ Laughter ] -After having stopped off in the City of Discovery, we're now heading southwest to much greener pastures -- the shores of Loch Lomond National Park.

-A popular weekend destination for Glaswegians looking to escape the city and a magnet for visitors from all over the world coming to enjoy its breathtaking beauty.

-It's also the place where one much-beloved Scottish soap opera kick-started my career.

-We're taking the turning for Luss, Miriam.

-Ooh.

There's no "T" on the end of that, is there?

-Only if you want it.

-I don't, dear.

This is the -- -Oh, look.

-There's a little jetty.

-This charming village of just under 500 residents has become a hugely popular stop for tourists, but I'm sensing Alan hasn't brought me here just to admire the view.

-This is the village that was used as Glendarroch, which was the fictional village at the center of the Scottish television legendary soap opera "Take the High Road."

So, I was 21 and I came in to "Take the High Road."

So I was kind of a bad boy.

I stole money.

I got a local girl pregnant.

-Did you really?

-Yeah.

-I was really thrilled to be a part of the show.

It was an institution that ran from 1980 for almost a quarter of a century.

-Everybody used to watch that program.

-It was huge.

When it was going to be axed, people marched on George Square in Glasgow.

-To pro-- To stop it?

-Yeah.

It was just this huge cultural -- Because it was sort of like a highland village, but it was sort of a bit modern, as well, you know?

My first stint in the series was in 1986, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

Ah.

Look.

This is Mrs. Blair's shop.

So this used to be the center of "Take the High Road" life.

Do you want to walk this bit?

-Yeah, I'll get out.

Hang on.

Put the brakes on.

-Brakes are on.

-So this is of enormous cultural significance.

-Seriously.

Yeah.

Everything happened in here.

There was a little general store.

-And you were a creepy character.

-I was an evil woodcutter.

-[ Laughs ] And I literally would walk along with an ax over my shoulder.

And I was the first person ever to be murdered in "Take the High Road."

And guess how I was killed.

-I know you're going to tell me.

-I was burned alive in Mr. Blair's peat shed.

-In the peat shed?

-Yeah.

-I think that was probably because very cleverly it would disguise the smell of burning flesh because of the peat.

-Of course.

They think of everything.

-They think of everything.

But then also what was funny was when they found my, you know, burned, charred body, they didn't have me come and get all made up for it because they would have to pay me an episode fee.

So they got some old corpse from Taggart and used it instead.

[ Laughter ] -...justice.

-I know.

They're such meanies.

-You should have been there!

-I should have.

I should have.

-That's the BBC for you.

-Well, it was STV, but... -Oh, STV.

-While it was sad to be given the chop from the show so soon, I certainly had it coming.

I've played quite a few villains in my time, but none so dastardly as Jim Hunter.

My darkest hour culminated in me plotting to bump off my pregnant girlfriend.

-You might be carrying my baby.

[ Laughter ] -This is my -- I got her pregnant.

-Look.

Uh, this isn't a very good place to talk.

Can I see you tomorrow?

-Yeah.

Where?

-Well, up in the woods.

-[ Laughs ] Killer!

[ Saw buzzing ] -This is it!

-Just let me watch it!

-Jim!

-Don't look... [ Saw buzzing ] -Very sinister.

-Mm-hmm.

-Jim!

-Jim's crazy.

Whoa.

-Jim?

-Poor wee girl.

-Jim?

-Over here.

[ Branches snapping ] -Oh, my God.

-[ Screams ] [ Crash ] -Did she die?

-Wait and see.

Still alive.

See?

One tiny little scrape.

-Jim... -Strangling her.

-I just came to tell you...

I'm not pregnant.

-[ Laughs ] Look how young I was.

-I was thinking that, but I wasn't going to say it.

-Like a child.

-I thought it was quite a good performance anyway.

Never mind about how you look.

-Thanks.

And then eventually -- -Well, it was a very nice place to have... -This is our location.

-...as your location.

-I wonder where the peat shed was that I was burned alive in.

-[ Laughs ] -Do you want me just sing you the theme of "Take the High Road" as we walk back?

-Why don't you?

-[ Imitating theme ] Then we have a sort of little bridge.

[ Imitating theme ] Big finish.

[ Imitating theme ] Harp.

Diddle-diddle-loo-loo!

-Thank you very much.

-You're welcome.

-So, finally, we're on the last leg of this week's journey to a very special wedding just a bit further up the road.

And it's not just me who has fond memories of this beautiful part of Scotland.

-It is actually where I used to go when I was little.

-Uh-huh.

-Mommy used to come with us, but she did not like my father's family.

-Oh, really?

-No, she didn't.

And they didn't like her.

But she loved Scotland.

-It's easy to see why.

But enough of the nostalgia.

It's time for us to scrub up for an event that's happening right here, right now.

I've been asked to renew the vows of my cousin Martin and his partner, William, and it's all in the name of love.

I married my husband, Grant, in 2007, and as a firm believer in equality, I became an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church so I could marry anyone regardless of their sexual orientation.

But before we get our glad rags on, it seems Miriam has booked herself a special treat -- with a man.

-Where are you, Liam?

-Here.

-She speaks very highly of you, Liam.

-Oh, thank you so much.

[ Laughter ] -My body is longing for you.

-Again.

[ Laughter ] -Get a room, you two.

-She loves me, Alan.

-I can tell.

-I do.

Because it's so nice to be sort of caressed.

As the Scottish weather is so glorious, I've decided to get my top off and have an al fresco massage.

I want to take off my top and everything.

Where are the towels?

-We've got your towel just here ready for you.

I can see your bra.

-Well, it's my bra -- Don't be frightened of it.

-Intimidated by your bra, Miriam.

I'm not intimidated.

I'm fascinated by it, actually.

-What size is your bra?

-Have a look.

I can't remember.

-I hope you're going to warm your hands.

-My hands?

-Oh...they're freezing.

-I don't know if it says it.

Oh, here it does.

Here it does.

46G.

Does that sound right?

-It sounds right.

-So, G is the -- sort of the girth.

-Isn't it?

-Cup size.

-Yeah.

-It's going to be freezing.

-The warm-up's done.

-[ Gasps ] [ Laughter ] -It's like Frankenstein's monster coming to life.

An electric shock.

-How is that pressure for you, Miriam?

-It's lovely.

I love the pressure.

No pressure is too much.

You know that place on the right?

-Yeah.

-That's the bit that I want you to go for.

Oh, that's it.

You nearly got it then.

I want you to push with your thumb.

-As the actress said to the bishop.

[ Laughter ] -It's just lovely.

I think Barbra Streisand has a massage every day.

-How do you know that?

-Because she told me.

-[ Laughs ] Do you know that Barbra Streisand has a shop in her basement?

-Yes, I know that.

-Isn't that hilarious?

She likes shopping, and so in her basement, she's got the sort of shops -- actually little shops with things in them.

-And so when she goes out to a friend's house, she goes downstairs to the basement and sort of shops for a present to take to her friends.

We'll know when we've made it when we have our own shops in our basement... [ Laughter ] ...full of things we've already bought.

-Oh, that is such heaven.

Have I got any muscle there at all?

-Huge biceps.

Huge.

[ Laughter ] -I'm going to fart.

[ Laughter ] -You're right in the line of fire, Liam.

-Well, it is in the open air.

Oh, now, just where you end up.

There.

-Yeah.

-...hell.

-[ Laughs ] -Is that nice?

-That is painful.

-A nice painful.

-Just really painful!

-Oh.

-...hell.

-[ Chuckles ] -[ Groans ] -Did you feel that bit there?

-Yeah.

Can you feel it?

-At least I felt it.

[ Indistinct conversation ] -Ooh.

[ Laughter ] -And now we have the small matter of reuniting Miriam with her underwear.

-Okay.

Brassiere.

Brassiere on.

I don't think I want the cameras on -- on me putting on my bra, if you don't mind.

-And now over to Alan Cumming for an exclusive report.

I will give you -- I will give you a commentary.

Miss Margolyes has now put her arms through the straps.

Liam is helping her maneuver her breasts into the cups.

-I can't find my entrance.

Where is the beginning of it?

-Give it to me.

Oh, wait a minute.

What the hell?

[ Laughter ] It's like a Rubik's cube.

You think you've nearly got it, and then it's worse.

-We have lift-off.

-Voil.

But exposing Miriam's body and bra to visiting tourists isn't the reason we've come to this glorious shoreside hotel.

Okay, people of the world, we have not got married.

We're just attending another person's wedding.

-Which is delightful.

-Isn't that lovely?

-Not "just" attending.

As an ordained minister, I've been given the huge privilege of renewing the wedding vows of my cousin Martin and his hubby, William, accompanied by best man/dog Stan, too, of course.

The public ritual of marriage has only been legal in Scotland for same sex couples since 2014, so today is a very special day indeed.

Come on, boys.

Come on up.

-You really look gorgeous!

I love the way your sporrans are jiggling.

-This is Miriam.

-Is that a euphemism?

-Hi, Miriam.

Pleased to meet you.

-Lovely to meet you.

-How are you both feeling?

-Ready, I think.

A wee bit nervous.

-Gonna have a good time.

-Good.

Because, you know, they actually -- They got married in New York, but only with a couple of people there, so this is the sort of time they can renew their vows... -This is the big time now.

-How long have you been with Heather for?

-Uh, 54 years.

-Not too bad.

-What's your top tip, then, for getting to 54, Miriam?

-Never let the sun set on a quarrel.

-That's a nice way of saying it.

-And with those last words of advice, it's time to get the show on the road.

-However, it's not just the grooms who might be having last-minute jitters.

-I feel a bit nervous.

-Why should you feel nervous?

-I don't know.

-In case you marry yourself?

-In case I marry you.

-That is scary.

-[ Laughter ] -Don't worry, Miriam.

This isn't my first wedding.

You're in safe hands.

We are gathered here today because of love.

The love we all share for these two lovely people, Martin and William.

Despite all of our differences, love is what we all share.

The ability to love is the very best part of humanity.

And now to illustrate that love, we're going to have a reading from Miss Miriam Margolyes.

[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you very much.

[ Applause ] Thank you very much.

So, for this very special occasion, which is such an honor to be present at, I have chosen "The Owl and the Pussycat" to read.

"The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea in a beautiful pea-green boat.

They took some honey and plenty of money wrapped up in a 5-pound note.

The Owl looked up to the stars above and sang to a small guitar.

O, lovely Pussy.

O Pussy, my love."

[ Laughter ] "What a beautiful Pussy you are.

You are, you are.

What a beautiful Pussy you are.

And hand in hand on the edge of the sand... they danced by the light of the moon.

The moon, the moon.

They danced by the light of the moon."

[ Cheers and applause ] -Bravo!

-Thank you, Miriam.

[ Applause ] -That was great.

Who knew there'd be so much Pussy at this wedding?

[ Laughter ] As someone who has been married to both a woman and a man, though not at the same time, I think the best thing about marriage equality -- and by marriage equality, I don't just mean who does the dishes -- is the possibility to have your family and friends, the people in your life who love you and care about you most all come together in one place to celebrate your love.

Now, there's something missing from this ceremony, and it is the best man.

Could we please bring the best man to the stage?

[ Cheers and applause ] There he is!

[ Laughter ] Martin.

-Yes.

-Please put the ring on William's finger and repeat after me.

William, I promise to love you... -William, I promise to love you.... -...to protect you... -...to protect you... -...to respect you.

-...to respect you.

-And I choose you above all others to be my partner for life.

-Hooft.

And I choose you above all others to be my partner for life.

-William, please put the ring on Martin's finger.

-Okay.

-And repeat after me.

Martin, I promise to love you... -Martin, I promise to love you.... -...to protect you... -...to protect you... -...to respect you.

-...to respect you.

-And I choose you above all others to be my partner for life.

-And I choose you -- I choose you above all others to be my partner for life.

-Like...only one of them.

[ Laughter ] And, finally, by the power invested in me by the Universal Life Church, I now pronounce you married again.

[ Cheers and applause ] You both may kiss your partner.

[ Cheers and applause ] -Thanks, Alan.

-Formalities over, it's time to party.

[ Indistinct conversations ] And it wouldn't be a wedding without some dancing.

But what Miriam doesn't know is that I've asked the deejay for a special request -- Schubert's "The String Quartet," music Miriam's partner introduced to her 54 years ago.

-This is what Heather taught me, this one.

-I know.

Can you manage a twirl?

-I don't think so.

Not after the Laphroaig.

What am I doing on my feet?

I must be...mad!

[ Laughter ] Oh, there's another one.

[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ] -Have a seat.

-Ohh!

I wasn't expecting to do that.

-Everybody, give it up for Miriam!

[ Cheers and applause ] -Right.

Enough stealing focus from the groom and groom.

As the party continues into the wee small hours, Alan and I take a moment to reflect.

-Here's to love.

-Cheers.

Yes.

-Such a lovely day, wasn't it?

-Gorgeous.

I just find it so joyous when I see people like that.

-Yeah, and it is that thing of everyone coming together to celebrate their love.

It's something that queer people just didn't have until recently.

-They're lovely, your people.

-They're so lovely.

You're lovely, too.

-Do you think?

-I love you, Miriam.

-Alan, my dear, dear chum.

Cheers.

L'chaim.

-L'chaim.

-Slinte.

-Slinte.

-Slinte.

-Slinte.

-[Slurring] Slinte.

[ Speaking indistinctly ] -Slug, slug, slug.

-Aye.

-Slug it, Miriam.

Slug it.

Slug it.

Oh, my God.

She's got it, too.

Nailed it!

-It's like a gurning competition.

-My God!

-I hope there's no paparazzi around.

They'll think it was us that got married.

[ Laughter ] On the next leg of our journey around Scotland, we'll be crossing the water to Skye for an unforgettable encounter.

-Oh.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

They're right there.

-I've never seen that.

-Before following the path both our careers took back in the day to the U.S. of A.

-You wait.

-I can't.

I can't.

I'm so excited!

-As we make a big splash in California.