Mark Twain Prize

DAVID LETTERMAN

WHAT?

MAN

IT'S THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE.

DAVID LETTERMAN

I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.

MAN

NO WE'RE HERE FOR THE PRIZE, IT'S THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE. WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE A WEEK AGO.

DAVID LETTERMAN

I'M NOT HERE.

MAN

I CAN SEE YOU IN THERE SIR. IT'S THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE, WE SPOKE A WEEK AGO. YOUR ONE-YEAR REIGN IS OVER, WE'RE GONNA NEED THE AWARD.

DAVID LETTERMAN

WHY?

MAN

SO WE CAN GIVE IT TO THIS YEAR'S RECIPIENT.

DAVID LETTERMAN

WHO?

MAN

IT'S JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS.

DAVID LETTERMAN

OH YEAH, SHE'S GOOD. I REALLY LIKE HER.

MAN

SHE'S VERY GOOD.

DAVID LETTERMAN

SHE'S VERY FUNNY.

MAN

SHE'S VERY GOOD. CAN WE HAVE THE AWARD PLEASE?

DAVID LETTERMAN

HERE YOU GO, I JUST HAD IT BUFFED, ENJOY, BYE-BYE!

MAN

UH, MR. LETTERMAN, MR. LETTERMAN!

KNOCKING

MAN

. THIS IS A CABLE ACE AWARD.

DAVID LETTERMAN

OH.

MAN

THIS IS DAMIEN.

DAVID LETTERMAN

OH, HI, UH, I NEED THE BAG.

MAN

OKAY, MR. LETTERMAN, THIS IS A PUPPET OF YOU.

DAVID LETTERMAN

WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST PUPPETS?

MAN

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AGAINST PUPPETS, BUT WE'RE HERE TO COLLECT THE PRIZE.

DAVID LETTERMAN

I'M THIS CLOSE TO KICKING YOU IN THE NUTS.

MAN

I DON'T... THIS.

KNOCKING

MAN

. MISTER....

DAVID LETTERMAN

THIS IS NOT IT.

ENGINE REVS

DAVID LETTERMAN

.

MAN

THIS HAPPENS EVERY YEAR. (bleep)!

ANNOUNCER

THERE IS ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO COULD INSPIRE THIS INCREDIBLE LINEUP OF COMEDY GREATS TO COME TOGETHER IN ONE PLACE. TONIGHT, STEPHEN COLBERT. BRYAN CRANSTON. TINA FEY, TONY HALE, ABBI JACOBSON AND ILANA GLAZER KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY, LISA KUDROW, KUMAIL NANJIANI AND JERRY SEINFELD. PLUS, APPEARANCES BY PAUL BARROSSE, STEVE CARELL, LARRY DAVID, CLARK GREGG, MARY GROSS, ELLIE KEMPER, DAVID LETTERMAN, AMY POEHLER, GEORGE SHAPIRO, WANDA SYKES. AND A PERFORMANCE BY JACK JOHNSON. ALL TO CELEBRATE JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS AS SHE IS AWARDED THE KENNEDY CENTER MARK TWAIN PRIZE FOR AMERICAN HUMOR... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS.

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER

. PLEASE WELCOME JULIA'S FELLOW NORTHWESTERN ALUM, STEPHEN COLBERT.

STEPHEN COLBERT

THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU SO MUCH. WHAT A JOY IT IS TONIGHT TO HONOR THE GREAT JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS. A WOMAN WHO I SINCERELY BELIEVE IS THE FUNNIEST PERSON ON TELEVISION. AND KEEP IN MIND I AM ON TELEVISION RIGHT NOW. AND IT IS SO FITTING THAT WE HONOR HER HERE AT

THE KENNEDY CENTER

THE HOME OF COMEDY! AND BALLET, AND PIANO CONCERTOS BUT ONLY THE FUNNY ONES. JULIA, TONIGHT WE CELEBRATE YOUR CAREER WITH THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE. OF COURSE, EVERY YEAR THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE COMES

WITH TWO THINGS

A BEAUTIFUL BUST OF SAMUEL CLEMENS, AND AS WITH ANY HONOR AT THE KENNEDY CENTER, ONE KENNEDY OF YOUR CHOICE. THERE ARE STILL SOME REALLY GOOD ONES OUT THERE. I'D GO WITH THAT CONGRESSMAN JOE KENNEDY, HE'S A SPICY LITTLE GINGER. YOU'RE GONNA LIKE HIM, YOU'LL BE VERY HAPPY. WE ALL KNOW THAT SHE'S TALENTED, BUT JULIA IS ALSO SUCH A LOVELY PERSON. HERE'S THE THING, SHE'S SO SUCCESSFUL, SHE'S SUCH A GIANT IN HER FIELD, SHE COULD GET AWAY WITH BEING A JERK. BUT SHE'S NOT. SHE NEEDS NOTHING FROM ME AND YET SHE'S SO NICE TO ME. AND THAT'S NOT ALWAYS THE CASE IN SHOW BUSINESS. YOU WASHINGTON-PEOPLE, YOU GUYS, YOU'RE USED TO POLITICS, BUT LET ME TELL YOU, THERE ARE SOME TERRIBLE PEOPLE IN SHOW BUSINESS... WHO RECENTLY SWITCHED TO POLITICS.

HERE'S A LITTLE SHOWBIZ SECRET

EVERYONE I KNOW IN COMEDY HAS A CRUSH ON JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS. "EVERYONE." NOT A BIG CRUSH. NOT A LEGALLY ACTIONABLE INFATUATION. JUST AN ADORABLE LITTLE CRUSHLET THAT'S NOT EVEN WORTH TELLING YOUR WIFE ABOUT UNTIL YOU'RE ONSTAGE AT THE KENNEDY CENTER AND JUST BLURT IT OUT. AND IT'S A SPECIAL HONOR FOR ME BECAUSE I FEEL A SPECIAL CONNECTION TO JULIA. OUR CAREERS HAVE BEEN STRANGELY PARALLEL. SHE WENT TO NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY, I WENT TO NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY. SURE. SHE PERFORMED AT SECOND CITY, I PERFORMED AT SECOND CITY. SHE WAS HIRED AT SNL, I AUDITIONED. AND THEY HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU AT NORTHWESTERN, JULIA. NO, I'M SURE WHEN YOU WERE THERE YOU PROBABLY DID THE SAME VOCAL WARMUP EXERCISES I DID. "SHE SKIS EASILY BENEATH A CEILING OF STARS. MARTHA AND MARGARET WALKED ARM IN ARM TO THE CHARMING PARK, NOT FAR FROM THEIR FATHER'S HOUSE". WELL NOW NORTHWESTERN'S THEATER PROGRAM IS SO PROUD OF JULIA, THAT ALL THE WARMUPS ARE JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS BASED. "JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS TRIED TO KNIFE US THEN WOOED AND CHEWED A GOOEY BOUILLON CUBE OF TYPHUS." NOW, WE'RE GOING TO BE HEARING A LOT TONIGHT ABOUT HER CHARACTERS LIKE, "ELAINE" AND "OLD CHRISTINE," BUT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT A DIFFERENT PERFORMANCE, ONE THAT TRULY SPEAKS TO ME, AND I BET IT SPEAKS TO A LOT OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM, TOO. I'M TALKING ABOUT JULIA'S TURN AS JEANETTE COOPER IN 1986'S "TROLL." I WAS DEEPLY AFFECTED BY HER PERFORMANCE AS A YOUNG WOMAN TRANSFORMED INTO A WOOD NYMPH BY A TROLL WHO IS ACTUALLY THE ANCIENT WIZARD TOROK. BRAVA, BRAVA MADAME! BUT THE TRULY ICONIC ROLE THAT I WANT TO CELEBRATE TONIGHT IS JULIA'S PERFORMANCE AS SELINA MEYER ON "VEEP." IT'S NO SECRET THAT I LOVE "VEEP." NOT THE ACTUAL ONE, HE'S UH... HE'S UH... GOOD FOR HIM. I LOVE JULIA'S SHOW. I'M A "VEEP" ADDICT, EVERYBODY KNOWS IT. AFTER A LONG DAY OF YOU KNOW, THE NEWS, SOME PEOPLE DRINK HEAVILY; I WATCH "VEEP." WHILE DRINKING HEAVILY. JULIA'S PERFORMANCE AS SELINA MEYER IS INCREDIBLY FUNNY BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT'S ALSO SO BEAUTIFULLY AND HONESTLY GROUNDED IN HUMAN FRAILTY THAT WHEN I WATCH HER, I ACTUALLY FEEL SORRY FOR AN ELECTED OFFICIAL. THAT IS NOT MY TYPICAL RESPONSE. BUT WHEN I SEE SELINA MEYER I ACTUALLY HOPE THAT'S WHAT WASHINGTON IS REALLY LIKE. I HOPE THAT PEOPLE ARE CYNICAL AND LAZY AND INCOMPETENT. THAT, I WOULD UNDERSTAND. BECAUSE IF OUR REAL POLITICIANS ARE NICE AND WELL-MEANING AND INFORMED AND THEY'RE STILL DOING THIS BAD OF A JOB... THEN LET'S JUST GIVE THE KEYS TO THE CANADIANS IN EXCHANGE FOR SOME OF THAT LEGAL WEED. PLUS, THE WAY JULIA DELIVERS THOSE LEGENDARY SELINA INSULTS! I JUST, WATCH THE SUPERCUT SOMETIMES, THEY'RE AMAZING. I CAN'T REPEAT ANY OF THOSE HERE TONIGHT. BECAUSE EVENTUALLY THIS HAS TO AIR ON PBS. SO INSTEAD MY TEAM AT "THE LATE SHOW" PUT TOGETHER A COLLECTION OF SELINA'S BEST LINES, BUT DUBBED THEM OVER TO MAKE THEM APPROPRIATE FOR PBS. TAKE A LOOK.

SELINA

GENERAL GEORGE WASHINGTON COULD CLIMB OUT OF HIS GRAVE RIGHT NOW AND I WOULD RATHER... BRUSH AND FLOSS HIS WOODEN TEETH TWICE A DAY! THAT'S LIKE TRYING TO USE A CROISSANT AS A SANDWICH BREAD. IT DOESN'T DO THE JOB, AND IT MAKES A DELICIOUS MESS. HEY LISTEN, UH SETTLE SOMETHING FOR ME. YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX AND YOU LIKE TO TRAVEL?

JONAH

YES MA'AM.

SELINA

THEN YOU CAN WATCH RICK STEVE'S. BECAUSE IF I DON'T WIN THE WHITE HOUSE, O'BRIEN IS GONNA SINK YOUR STUPID BOATS AND YOU'RE GONNA LOOK FOR "ANTIQUES ROADSHOW". SO CAN I COUNT ON YOUR VOTE, OR DO I NEED TO THANK THE BILL AND MELINDA GATES FOUNDATION AND VIEWERS LIKE YOU. I WILL DESTROY YOU IN WAYS THAT ARE SO CREATIVE THEY WILL HONOR ME FOR IT AT THE KENNEDY CENTER.

STEPHEN COLBERT

AND HERE WE ARE! CONGRATULATIONS, JULIA AND THANK YOU. JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS!

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

MY NAME IS JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS AND I COME FROM WASHINGTON, DC WHICH IS OUR NATION'S CAPITAL.

PAUL BARROSSE

I MET JULIA BECAUSE I WAS AT NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY, EVERY YEAR I WOULD DO THIS THING CALLED THE MEOW SHOW, THAT WAS AN IMPROVISATIONALLY-BASED COMEDY REVUE. MY SENIOR YEAR SHE WAS CAST AND SHE WAS JUST A FRESHMAN. IS THIS YOUR FIRST FLIGHT?

SPEAKING FRENCH

PAUL BARROSSE

SHE WAS SERIOUS AND HARDWORKING, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY SHE HAD THE STONES TO STAND UP TO US AND TAKE OVER THE BOYS CLUB AND MAKE SURE HER VOICE WAS HEARD. SHE WAS GOOD. SHE TOOK A ROLE AND REALLY POLISHED IT INTO A GEM. SHE WOULD JUST THROW HERSELF INTO THAT.

GROUP

NOTHING CAN STOP US NOT EVEN GODZILLA! GODZILLA!

SCREAMING

GROUP

.

PAUL BARROSSE

AND THEN WE WERE JUST INFORMED ONE NIGHT THAT DICK EBERSOL AND BOB TISCHLER WERE IN THE HOUSE.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

OH DID YOU BRING YOUR CAMERA? I WANT A PICTURE OF THIS!

PAUL BARROSSE

THE NEXT DAY WE WERE SUMMONED TO SOME HOTEL WHERE WE WERE INFORMED THAT THEY WANTED TO HIRE ALL FOUR OF US FOR "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE". YOU'RE GETTING ON A PLANE IN A FEW DAYS, YOU'RE GONE.

BRAD HALL

THE FACT THAT ALL FOUR OF US ARE GOING TOGETHER IS THE MOST FUN THING FOR US BECAUSE THERE'S AN ENSEMBLE AT WORK HERE.

PAUL BARROSSE

WE WERE OUT OF OUR MINDS WITH EXCITEMENT.

BRAD HALL

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

GROUP

TO THE TOP, TO THE VERY TOP.

PAUL BARROSSE

JULIA JUST WORKED REALLY, REALLY HARD AND SHE WAS MAKING IT HAPPEN.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

BYE CHICAGO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR EVERYTHING.

GROUP

IF WE NEED YOU WE'LL PHONE YOU. GO HOME!

ANNOUNCER

PLEASE WELCOME A FELLOW VETERAN OF "SNL" AND THE 2010 WINNER OF THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE, TINA FEY.

TINA FEY

WITH ELEVEN EMMYS, A GOLDEN GLOBE, A PEABODY AND NINE SAG AWARDS, JULIA IS ONE OF THE MOST DECORATED ACTORS IN HOLLYWOOD. SECOND ONLY TO JOHNNY DEPP. BUT A LOT OF HIS DECORATIONS ARE SCARVES AND CARABINERS, SO IT KINDA EVENS OUT. I'VE ALWAYS LIKED JULIA, MAYBE BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. WE BOTH STUDIED COMEDY IN CHICAGO. WE BOTH LOST OUR VIRGINITY TO BRAD HALL. NO? JUST, JUST ME? JULIA LAUNCHED HER TELEVISION CAREER ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE". ME TOO. NOT #METOO JUST REGULAR "ME, TOO". JULIA WAS A CAST MEMBER ON "SNL" FOR THREE YEARS DURING WHICH SHE CREATED SUCH POPULAR CHARACTERS AS "CINDY, THE GIRL WITH A GIANT ZIT", "EL DORKO'S DATE BECKY", AND END OF LIST. BUT THAT'S OFFICIALLY TWO MORE CHARACTERS THAN I HAD, SO YOU'RE UP BY TWO JULIA. WE BOTH LEFT "SNL" TO DO SITCOMS. FOR JULIA, IT WAS "SEINFELD", OKAY. IN THE EARLY NINETIES, AT A TIME ON NETWORK TV WHEN ACTRESSES WERE EXPECTED TO HAVE GREAT TIMING AND GREAT TANS AND GREAT EATING DISORDERS, JULIA MADE THE BOLD CHOICE FOR HER CHARACTER ELAINE BENES TO WEAR LONG LOOSE DRESSES, FLAT SHOES, AND OVERSIZED COATS AND A CENTER BARRETTE. BECAUSE HERE'S THE SECRET, JULIA'S NOT AFRAID TO BE UNLIKEABLE. NOT ON SCREEN, AND NOT IN PERSON! WHICH ISN'T TO SAY ELAINE WAS A DRAB CHARACTER. ELAINE BENES WAS "SEX-POSITIVE" BEFORE WE HAD A TERM FOR IT, HOARDING BIRTH CONTROL AND REALISTICALLY FAILING TO REMAIN "MASTER OF HER DOMAIN"? JULIA LET ELAINE BE PETTY AND SARCASTIC AND SELFISH AND A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE DANCER. BUT IT DIDN'T WORK, JULIA, PEOPLE STILL FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU. AND AFTER YOUR NINE YEARS ON "SEINFELD", MEN ALL OVER AMERICA WERE LEFT WISHING THAT THEY COULD BE "SPONGEWORTHY." "SEINFELD" WAS THE LAST TRUE WATER COOLER SHOW. THE SHOW THAT EVERYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE NEXT DAY AT WORK. NOW THE CLOSEST THING WE HAVE TO THAT IS THE PRESIDENT'S TWITTER. BACK THEN WE HAD CATCHPHRASES LIKE "CLOSE TALKER" AND "MAN HANDS". AND NOW WE HAVE "POCAHONTAS" AND "HORSE FACE". IT'S FUN, IT'S A FUN TIME. BY THE WAY, I THINK, YOU KNOW PEOPLE THINK OF "SEINFELD" AS A CLASSIC COMEDY SERIES WITH SOME OF THE MOST QUOTABLE JOKES OF ALL TIME, BUT PEOPLE FORGET THAT THE SHOW ALSO PIONEERED SOME OF THE WORST PREGNANCY HIDING IN TELEVISION HISTORY. JUDGING BY THE NUMBER OF EPISODES WHERE JULIA IS CARRYING A GROCERY BAG AND STUFF, I'M GUESSING THAT SHE AND BRAD HAVE... ELEVEN CHILDREN? I SHOULD BE HONEST. NOW, JULIA AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW EACH OTHER THAT WELL. YOU KNOW, WE HAVEN'T EVER GONE TO DINNER TOGETHER, AND THE FEW TIMES I'VE BEEN IN HER HOUSE, SHE WAS ASLEEP. BUT LIKE OTHER WOMEN IN COMEDY, I'VE ALWAYS FELT A KINSHIP WITH HER. WE KNOW EACH OTHER'S EXPERIENCE WITHOUT HAVING TO SAY TOO MUCH. WE BOTH KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO COME UP IN THE IMPROV COMEDY WORLD, WHERE IF YOU WERE ONE OF THE FEW WOMEN, YOU DIDN'T GET PASSED THE BALL THAT OFTEN, SO WHEN YOU DID GET THE BALL, YOU HAD TO SCORE OR YOU WOULDN'T GET THAT BALL AGAIN. THAT WAS A SPORTS METAPHOR. I KNOW THAT BECAUSE I HAD A CHICAGO BOYFRIEND. JULIA AND I BOTH KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO WORK LONG HOURS ON YOUR LIFE-CHANGING TV SHOW AND THEN GO HOME AND STEP IMMEDIATELY INTO THE "VORTEX OF NEED" WITH YOUR YOUNG CHILDREN. BECAUSE CHILDREN REALLY DON'T CARE HOW THE TABLE READ WENT. THEY JUST WANT MORE MILK IN THEIR CHEERIOS. WHICH, NOT TO BE PREACHY HERE, CHILDREN ALWAYS WANT TOO MUCH MILK IN THEIR CEREAL. AND THEY NEVER FINISH IT. ANYWAY, I'M SORRY, I PROMISED I WOULD NOT GET POLITICAL TONIGHT. ANYWAY WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON, JULIA AND I GET OUR AWARD SHOW GOWNS FROM THE SAME LADY, RIGHT? I NOTICE SHE DIDN'T GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE TONIGHT BUT UH... BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME. JUST IN CASE YOUR ARM GETS SHY YOU CAN BE LIKE OH... WE'VE BOTH WON EMMY'S FOR PLAYING PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NEVER BE VICE PRESIDENT. JULIA HAS BEEN A TREMENDOUS ROLE MODEL FOR ME AS A COMEDIC ACTRESS. AND IF I HAD TO PICK WHICH OF HER MANY SKILLS I ADMIRE MOST, I WOULD SAY IT IS HER SECRET PRECISION. IT'S HER ABILITY TO APPEAR COMPLETELY EFFORTLESS AND NATURAL ON THE SURFACE WHILE BEING A STONE-COLD MACHINE OF TIMING UNDERNEATH IT. JULIA IS A "TERMINATOR" ROBOT OF COMEDY. THAT'S WHY SHE DOESN'T AGE. METAL BONES, RUBBER EYES. JULIA IS A GREAT ROLE MODEL FOR WOMEN, YES, OKAY, SURE. BUT ALSO, SHE IS JUST A GREAT ROLE MODEL FOR ALL HUMAN BEINGS. SHE IS A TIRELESS ADVOCATE FOR WOMEN'S HEALTH, AND THE ENVIRONMENT, AND A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF THAT WON'T EXIST PRETTY SOON. JULIA, IT REALLY IS AN HONOR TO BE HERE TO CELEBRATE YOU TONIGHT. YOU DESERVE THIS AWARD. AND NOT JUST BECAUSE WE'RE PRETTY SURE THAT YOU NEVER TOOK YOUR GENITALS OUT AT WORK. CONGRATULATIONS, I LOVE YOU.

BOTH

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

JULIA

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE JULIA SHOW, WITH YOUR HOST, JULIA! HI THANK YOU, I'M JULIA AND WELCOME TO MY SHOW, THE JULIA SHOW. OKAY SO, LET'S TALK ABOUT ME.

MARY GROSS

I DON'T WANT TO OVERDO IT, BUT SHE WAS LIKE A GODDESS. SHE WAS... THAT'S A VERY STRONG WORD TO USE BUT SHE WAS PRETTY, SHE WAS SMART, SHE HAD PERFECT TEETH SHE HAD PERFECT TIMING. IN FACT MANY OF THE FIRST HOMESTEADERS WERE WOMEN. SHE WAS GIFTED OBVIOUSLY.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

YOU KNOW I JUST FLEW IN FROM LA THIS MORNING BUT MY ARMS AREN'T TIRED BECAUSE I FLEW WITH JESUS. PRAISE THE LORD.

MARY GROSS

BUT THEY WEREN'T UTILIZING HER GIFTS AS THEY SHOULD HAVE. IT WAS A BOYS CLUB, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CLICH.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY, WE'RE GONNA...

ANNOUNCER

CALVIN KLEIN CREAM PIES, FOR GIRLS YOU HATE.

MARY GROSS

DOESN'T MEAN WE WEREN'T TAKEN CARE OF SOMETIMES, AND WE TOOK CARE OF OURSELVES.

GROUP

WE'RE TRUCK DRIVING WOMEN AND WE'RE HERE TO BED YOU DOWN.

MAN

MEET JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

I LOVE DOING THE SHOW BECAUSE I GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE POLITICAL AND SOCIAL COMMENTS WHILE STILL BEING FEMININE.

MARY GROSS

JULIA IS SO STRONG, SHE KNOWS HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

LIKE THAT I JUST GOTTA RUN ALL OVER THE DEVIL AND I DO IT, WITH LOVE IN MY HEART.

MARY GROSS

JULIA WASN'T A PERSON TO BE DEFEATED, AND I JUST LOVE HER.

ANNOUNCER

IT IS OUR HONOR TO WELCOME THE CREATOR OF THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE, MARK TWAIN.

MARK TWAIN

WELCOME, EVERYBODY TO THE ME PRIZE FOR AMERICAN HUMOR. NOW, WHEN I WAS GROWING UP A SMALL WHITE BOY IN HANNIBAL, MISSOURI, I NEVER THOUGHT THAT ONE DAY I'D FIND MYSELF HANDING OUT A LIKENESS OF MY OWN HEAD TO TRAILBLAZERS OF TOMFOOLERY, BASTIONS OF BUFFOONERY, AND IN THIS PARTICULAR CASE; A HEROINE OF HERCULEAN HUMOR. TONIGHT I'VE CHOSEN JULIA TO FOLLOW IN A LONG LINEAGE OF DISTINGUISHED RECIPIENTS, SUCH AS, WILLIAM JAMES MURRAY. HE SHOWED US HOW HUMOR AND PRECISE FILMIC PERFORMANCE CAN WORK TOGETHER TO CREATE ONE CLASSIC WORK AFTER ANOTHER; FROM HIS ICONIC TURN IN THE SUMMER CAMP RETROSPECTIVE "MEATBALLS" TO HIS BOUNDARY PUSHING, HAUNTINGLY BEAUTIFUL PERFORMANCE IN "GARFIELD". NOW I'VE NEVER SEEN IT, BUT MY FRIENDS IN HELL TELL ME IT'S WONDERFUL. OH, ELIZABETH STAMATINA FEY, YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST TALENTED COMEDIC MINDS OF A GENERATION, PROVEN BY YOUR EXTENDED CACHE OF ENTERTAINMENT FEATS; ALL THE WAY FROM BEING THE FIRST FEMALE WRITER ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE", TO MAKING ALEC BALDWIN TOLERABLE. OH, MM, I LOVE MR. CARLIN, YES, YES INDEED. MR. CARLIN'S LIST OF DIRTY WORDS. BUT NOW GET YOUR BEEP READY, Y'ALL 'CAUSE I'M GONNA SHARE SOME OF MY FAVORITES; BOOTLICKER, STRUMPET, TARNATION, BLAZES, DICKENS, AND LICK-SPITTLE. TAKE THAT PBS! ALRIGHT, EDWARD REGAN MURPHY. HE IS A BRILLIANT, MULTI-TALENTED INDIVIDUAL WHOSE CHARACTER WORK IS UNSURPASSED. I MEAN, A NEGRO POLICE OFFICER? HYSTERICAL. OH DEAR, WHAT'S NEXT, A NEGRO DOCTOR? OH DEAR NO, WE CAN SKIP THIS ONE. SKIP IT, SKIP IT, I'M SERIOUS, JUST SKIP IT. SKIP IT. IT'S OKAY, HE'S NOT WATCHING. AND NOW JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS. I BESTOW THIS AWARD UPON YOU THIS GREAT NIGHT BECAUSE OF YOUR DECADES-LONG COMMITMENT TO YOUR CRAFT, FOR YOUR WIT, AND FOR YOUR KINDNESS. YOU POSSESS A COMBINATION OF BRILLIANCE, BEAUTY AND BRAVADO, WHICH KNOWS NO BOUNDS. IT IS AN HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE TO BE WITH YOU TONIGHT, JULIA. THANK YOU.

JERRY

HOW WAS YOUR DATE?

ELAINE

LET'S SEE, HOW SHALL I PUT THIS?

JERRY

WELL JUST PUT IT.

ELAINE

HE TOOK IT OUT.

GEORGE SHAPIRO

JULIA WAS RECOMMENDED TO JERRY BY LARRY DAVID WHO WORKED WITH HER ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE". LARRY JUST LOVED HER AND I DON'T EVEN THINK SHE READ FOR IT, SHE JUST HAD A MEETING WITH JERRY, CHEMISTRY WAS SO GREAT, JUST MADE IN HEAVEN.

JERRY

HE WHAT?

ELAINE

HE-TOOK... IT-OUT.

JERRY

HE TOOK "IT" OUT?

ELAINE

YES SIR-EE BOB.

GEORGE SHAPIRO

LARRY AND JERRY'S VISION WAS JULIA COULD BE ONE OF THE GUYS.

ELAINE

I WANNA BE IN ON THIS TOO.

GEORGE SHAPIRO

THIS IS FOUR FRIENDS, EQUAL FOOTING. LIVING IN NEW YORK CITY, EXPLOSIVE COMEDY, WITH NO LEARNING AND NO HUGGING.

JERRY

YOU FAKED WITH ME?

ELAINE

YEAH.

JERRY

YOU FAKED WITH ME?

YES. JERRY

NO.

YES. JERRY

YOU FAKED IT?

ELAINE

I FAKED IT.

JERRY

WHAT ABOUT THE BREATHING, THE PANTING, THE MOANING, THE SCREAMING?

ELAINE

FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE.

GEORGE SHAPIRO

FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE. AND SHE, WE GOT SCREAMS. I MEAN HER DELIVERY WAS JUST SUPERNATURAL.

GEORGE

YOU DON'T THINK SHE'D YADDA YADDA SEX?

ELAINE

I'VE YADDA YADDA'D SEX.

GEORGE

REALLY?

ELAINE

YEAH. I MET THIS LAWYER, WE WENT OUT TO DINNER, I HAD THE LOBSTER BISQUE, WE WENT BACK TO MY PLACE, YADDA, YADDA, YADDA, I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN.

JERRY

BUT YOU YADDA YADDA'D OVER THE BEST PART.

ELAINE

NO I MENTIONED THE BISQUE.

GEORGE SHAPIRO

I THINK JULIA WAS SO IMPACTFUL, SO FUNNY AND THE CHARACTER OF ELAINE BENES WAS ONE OF THE GUYS, AND THAT WAS LIKE A DIRECT SEGUE YOU KNOW INTO A POWERHOUSE WOMAN IN COMEDY SCORING BIG.

JERRY

ARE YOU STILL MASTER OF YOUR DOMAIN?

ELAINE

I'M QUEEN OF THE CASTLE.

TIM

OH ELAINE!

ELAINE

OH!

ANNOUNCER

PLEASE WELCOME BRYAN CRANSTON.

BRYAN CRANSTON

GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING... "SEINFELD"! AH, WHAT GROUNDBREAKING SHOW. AND WHILE THE SHOW ACHIEVED TREMENDOUS SUCCESS, ITS TWO BIGGEST STARS HAD TO BREAKOUT FROM BEING TYPECAST. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SEINFELD'S TWO BIGGEST STARS AT THE HEIGHT OF THE SERIES' SUCCESS FROM THIS ARCHIVAL PHOTO. THERE THEY ARE, THE TWO BIGGEST STARS. WHATLEY! THIS NIGHT BELONGS TO JULIA. AND ME. IT IS UNCANNY, HOW THE TWO OF US HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON THAT WE BOTH CHOSE THE SAME PATH TO OUR WAY TO BREAK THE MOLD, TO REINVENT OURSELVES, TO BE SEEN NOT JUST AS TWO PEOPLE WHO ENABLED JERRY SEINFELD TO BUY 53 PORSCHES, JULIA AND I NEEDED TO BE SEEN AS ACTORS WITH RANGE. AND BY COINCIDENCE, WE BOTH DEVELOPED VERY SIMILAR, DEEPLY COMPLEX CHARACTERS. THERE WAS THE NICE PERSON TURNED BAD, WHO WAS AN OUT OF CONTROL, RUTHLESS, UNLIKEABLE PSYCHOPATH, AS DEPICTED IN JULIA'S CHARACTER SELINA MEYER ON "VEEP"... AND I WENT ON TO PLAY THE BRILLIANTLY DIABOLICAL, BUT INSANELY GOOD-LOOKING LEADING MAN, WALTER WHITE ON "BREAKING BAD". YOU'RE WELCOME. IT WAS OBVIOUS TO ME, THAT JULIA CAREFULLY STUDIED MY SUCCESS ON "BREAKING BAD" AND DECIDED TO CHANNEL THAT FOR HER DERIVATIVE SELINA MEYER. I'M ACTUALLY FINE WITH JULIA CHANNELING HER CHARACTER BECAUSE IN HER MIND WE ARE VERY CLOSE. WE'RE LIKE COUSINS. WE'RE LIKE KISSING COUSINS. OR MAYBE JUST THE KISSING PART. IT WAS, SHALL WE SAY, AWKWARD? BRAD HALL CALLED ME LATER, NOT TO WARN ME TO STOP KISSING HIS WIFE, BUT TO ASK FOR INSTRUCTIONS ABOUT HOW TO BE A BETTER KISSER. I HOPE I HELPED. AND GIVEN HOW MUCH WE SHARE, PEOPLE ARE SAYING IT IS ONLY RIGHT THAT WE SHARE THIS AWARD TOO. NOW, I WOULD NOT SAY THAT, BUT SHE WOULD.

ANNOUNCER

PLEASE WELCOME THE CO-WINNER OF THE 2018 MARK TWAIN PRIZE, BRYAN CRANSTON.

BRYAN CRANSTON

OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. MY GOODNESS, I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING, BUT JUST IN CASE, I WROTE A LITTLE... A LITTLE THING. ACTUALLY, I DON'T NEED A PROP TO TELL YOU WHAT I THINK OF JULIA. I JUST THINK YOU'RE THE CAT'S MEOW, I DO. I THINK YOU'RE THE LOVELIEST PERSON WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE IMMENSELY GIFTED. YOUR SHARP COMEDIC, AND OFTEN CUTTING WIT, BELIES THE GRACE AND DIGNITY THAT LIES BENEATH AS A TESTAMENT TO YOUR LIFE'S FOUNDATION. I AM GLAD THAT I WAS HERE TO BE ABLE TO CONTRIBUTE WHAT LITTLE I COULD TONIGHT, SO THAT WE COULD HONOR A VERY HONORABLE PERSON. I LOVE YOU, AND CONGRATULATIONS!

LARRY DAVID

HELLO, I'M LARRY DAVID. SOMETIMES KNOWN AS MR. WONDERFUL. SORRY I CAN'T BE WITH YOU TONIGHT BUT YOU KNOW, YOU ARE 3,000 MILES AWAY AND I'M KINDA LAZY SO IT'S NOT A GOOD COMBINATION TO GET ME OFF A CHAIR. BUT I HAVE TO SAY, I'VE NOTICED IN MY LIFE, THAT GOOD THINGS SEEM TO HAPPEN WHEN I'M NOT THERE. LIKE IF THERE'S A PARTY AND I LEAVE EARLY, FRIENDS INVARIABLY CALL ME THE NEXT DAY AND SAY, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT EARLY, PEOPLE WERE JUMPING IN THE POOL NAKED, IT GOT CRAZY!" SO IN A WAY, MY ABSENCE TONIGHT KINDA GUARANTEES A FANTASTIC EVENING. ACTUALLY, YOU SHOULD ALL BE THANKING ME FOR NOT SHOWING UP. I'M DOING YOU A BIG FAVOR, BIG. BUT ANYWAY, I WANNA CONGRATULATE JULIA FOR THIS UNBELIEVABLY PRESTIGIOUS AWARD. BUT I GOTTA SAY, THE LENGTHS THAT SHE WENT THROUGH TO GET IT. FRANKLY I WAS A LITTLE SURPRISED. I MEAN, COME ON. THAT WHOLE CANCER THING? PSH, CANCER? HONESTLY, I GOTTA TAKE MY HAT OFF TO HER, WHAT A SCAM! IT'S DIABOLICAL. I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS THAT I DIDN'T THINK OF IT BECAUSE THAT IS RIGHT UP MY ALLEY. AND YOU KNOW SHE'S SUCH A GREAT ACTRESS, SHE REALLY COMMITTED TO IT. I MEAN, SHE ALMOST HAD ME GOING FOR A SECOND. YOU KNOW, I GOTTA SAY, SHE'S DONE SOME INCREDIBLE ACTING WORK. WHAT A CAREER, "SNL", "SEINFELD", "CHRISTINE", "VEEP", EMMYS GALORE BUT NOTHING, NOTHING TOPS THIS CANCER PERFORMANCE. I STAND IN AWE. BY THE WAY, AS LONG AS I'M HERE, I WOULD LIKE TO MENTION TO THE MARK TWAIN COMMITTEE THAT I DID GO TO THE DOCTOR LAST WEEK AND YOU KNOW, THEY, THEY DID SOME TESTS. AND I'M WAITING TO HEAR, I'LL KEEP MY FINGERS CROSSED.

COUGHS

LARRY DAVID

I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING. ANYWAY, IF SOMETHING SHOULD EVER HAPPEN TO ME, GOD FORBID. I'LL ALWAYS TREASURE MY FRIENDSHIP WITH JULIA AND THE MASTER STROKE OF LUCK THAT BROUGHT US TOGETHER. WORKING WITH HER WAS LIKE BEING IN CHARGE OF THE HOPE DIAMOND. I FELT VASTLY PROTECTIVE AND CONSTANTLY IN AWE, A CONDITION IN WHICH I STILL REMAIN TO THIS DAY. CONGRATULATIONS JULIA, I LOVE YOU.

COUGHING

LARRY DAVID

.

ANNOUNCER

PLEASE WELCOME KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY.

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

WHEW. MADE IT, QUICK CHANGE. MADE IT OUT, OKAY, WOW. WHAT AN AMAZING ROOM.

TONY HALE

KEEGAN.

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

YEAH, YEAH TONY? YEAH I'M IN THE MIDDLE, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING. WHAT?

TONY HALE

IT'S JUST RIGHT HERE, BUDDY. IT'S RIGHT... NO, IT'S ON... YOU GOT, YOU GOT YOUR MUSTACHE ON MAN STILL. YOU STILL HAVE YOUR MUSTACHE.

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY

OH, THE MUSTACHE. OH GOD, OH SHOOT. OH, NOW I UNDERSTAND, THAT'S WHY THE PROUD BOYS DIDN'T TRY TO BEAT ME UP OUTSIDE, OKAY. SEE, MEN HAVE IT EASY. IT'S THE WOMEN, LIKE JULIA WHO HAVE FOUGHT TO CREATE A PATH FOR OTHER WOMEN TO FOLLOW, OPEN DOORS, AND CHANGE THE DYNAMIC. I WOULD LIKE TO CONGRATULATE HER FOR BEING ON ONE OF THE MOST SOCIALLY INFLUENTIAL AND LONGEST RUNNING TELEVISION SERIES EVER, "SEINFELD". NOW THAT I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY, AND I'M MARRIED TO A JEWISH WOMAN, THE SHOW IS THE GREATEST THING OF ALL TIME... EVERYTHING IS CLEAR TO ME NOW, EVERYTHING. SERIOUSLY, I'M BLESSED TO BE MARRIED TO A WONDERFUL PRODUCER-DIRECTOR-WRITER AND I'M NOW LEARNING ABOUT THE CHALLENGES SHE AND OTHER WOMEN FACE EVERY DAY. BUT THOSE CHALLENGES ARE EASIER FOR HER, AND FRANKLY, FOR EVERYONE OF HER GENERATION IN THIS BUSINESS BECAUSE OF THE BARRIERS BROKEN DOWN AND THE CEILINGS SHATTERED BY JULIA. SO CONGRATULATIONS MY DEAR, ON THIS HONOR! WE LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

AMY POEHLER

JULIA HAS INSPIRED SO MANY PEOPLE, WOMEN AND MEN. UM, BECAUSE... I'LL GET IT, HOLD ON.

ELLIE KEMPER

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS HAS AN ENERGY TO HER THAT I HAVEN'T SEEN IN ANYONE ELSE. AND I DON'T MEAN THAT I ADMIRE HER ONLY AS A COMEDIC ACTRESS, BUT ALSO AS A PERSON. AND I DON'T KNOW HER AS A PERSON, AND YET SHE STILL INSPIRES ME. I JUST THINK THAT SHE'S AN INCREDIBLY STRONG WOMAN.

SELINA

OH MY GOD, THAT IS SO GREAT FOR ME!

AMY

AND THE COUNTRY?

SELINA

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.

AMY POEHLER

JLD IS FOR ME THE BLT OF COMEDY, SHE'S MY FAVORITE SANDWICH. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

ELLIE KEMPER

SHE MANAGES TO MAKE UNLIKEABLE PEOPLE TOLERABLE, BECAUSE IT'S SHE WHO IS PLAYING THEM.

AMY

YOU DIDN'T SAY YES?

SELINA

NO, I DIDN'T SAY YES! I SAID... YEAH.

AMY POEHLER

TRULY I'M INSPIRED BY HER WORK, HER BODY OF WORK. AND WHAT YOU GET TO KNOW REALLY FAST WHEN YOU MEET JULIA IS THAT SHE'S A PRO.

ELLIE KEMPER

YOU CAN'T STOP WATCHING HER AND I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE DOES THAT, IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF A MAGIC TRICK. I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS' NAME AS A PRODUCER WHEN THE "VEEP" CREDITS ROLL BECAUSE IT'S SO IMPORTANT FOR WOMEN TO BE IN THAT POSITION, TO BE PRODUCING, TO BE DIRECTING AND IT'S CRUCIAL TO HAVE THOSE POSITIONS IN ORDER TO PROMOTE WOMEN.

SELINA

YEAH.

AMY POEHLER

AND IF WE'VE LEARNED ANYTHING.... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ANNOUNCER

TO HONOR THEIR HERO, FROM BROAD CITY, ABBI JACOBSON AND ILANA GLAZER.

ILANA GLAZER

WE ARE HERE TONIGHT TO BRING OFFERINGS AND BLESSINGS TO OUR QUEEN, JLD.

ABBI JACOBSON

WITHOUT JLD, THERE WOULD BE NO US.

ILANA GLAZER

YOU KNOW, US? THE STARS AND CREATORS OF THE CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED COMEDY CENTRAL SERIES "BROAD CITY"?

ABBI JACOBSON

I MEAN, THEY KNOW WHO WE ARE.

ILANA GLAZER

DO THEY? THERE'S A LOT OF SILVER FOXES IN THE CROWD TONIGHT. THAT'S NOT QUITE THE DEMO.

ABBI JACOBSON

OKAY, OKAY! THEY CAN DEFINITELY HEAR US.

ILANA GLAZER

MICS, MICS, MICS.

ABBI JACOBSON

JULIA, YOU LEAD THE CHARGE FOR AUTHENTIC AND FLAWED FEMALE CHARACTERS IN COMEDY. EVERY TIME YOU CREATE A CHARACTER, YOU OPEN A DOOR. A DOOR FOR ANOTHER GENERATION OF FUNNY YOUNG WOMEN TO GOOFILY WALK THROUGH. YOU'VE GIVEN US PERMISSION TO BE BOLD, WEIRD,

AND ABOVE ALL

LETHALLY FUNNY.

ILANA GLAZER

IT'S TRUE. WOMEN ON SCREEN TOO OFTEN EXIST TO SUPPORT AND COMPLEMENT THE MALE LEADS.

ABBI JACOBSON

MMM, BOOOOORING.

ILANA GLAZER

EXACTLY. BUT JULIA, WHEN YOU CREATED ELAINE... (BOTH EXCLAIM) YOU MADE THE FIERCE CHOICE TO LET HER STAND ON HER OWN. SHE CHOSE HERSELF OVER ANY MAN. THIS GROUNDBREAKING PERFORMANCE PAVED THE WAY FOR OUR SHOW.

ABBI JACOBSON

ONE OF YOUR BIGGEST TALENTS AND THE ONE THAT MAYBE HAS HAD THE MOST INFLUENCE ON US, IS THE PHYSICALITY YOU BRING TO EACH CHARACTER. IT'S ONE THING TO BE FUNNY. IT'S ANOTHER THING FOR EVERY CELL OF YOUR BODY TO VIBRATE WITH COMEDY.

ILANA GLAZER

DAMN, I'M GETTING HORNY. YES, HORNY SIR. YES. HELLO.

ABBI JACOBSON

ME TOO.

ILANA GLAZER

IT'S WEIRD, RIGHT? IT'S LIKE NOT THE PLACE. OR THE TIME. OR THE TIME.

ABBI JACOBSON

OKAY, HERE WE GO. UM, JULIA, THE WAY YOU PHYSICALLY EMBODY EACH OF YOUR CHARACTERS IS AN INSPIRATION. THE SLAPSTICK.

ILANA GLAZER

OOF!

THE HIJINKS. ILANA GLAZER

OWW!

THE JOY. ILANA GLAZER

YES!

ABBI JACOBSON

THE GROOVES!

ILANA GLAZER

YE-E-E-E-S! THE SHOVE. THE SHOVE CHANGED MY LIFE.

ABBI JACOBSON

AND OF COURSE, THE ELAINE DANCE.

ILANA GLAZER

I MEAN, LEGENDARY.

ABBI JACOBSON

JULIA HAS ALWAYS SHAKEN OFF THE STIFF AND LIMITING POSTURES OF LADY-LIKE BEHAVIOR NOT ONLY TO MAKE US LAUGH BUT ALSO TO MAKE US FREE.

ILANA GLAZER

AND AS SUCH, JULIA, WE HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU. WE HAVE CURATED A VERY SPECIAL PERFORMANCE WITH THE PRESTIGIOUS PRIORE DANCE COMPANY TO CELEBRATE YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO THE WORLD.

ABBI JACOBSON

NOW, SOME PEOPLE MIGHT THINK THAT IT'S TOO MUCH TO GIVE A HIGHLY-PRODUCED CONTEMPORARY DANCE AS A GIFT. BUT WHEN THE RECIPIENT IS AN EMPRESS, YOU HAVE TO BRING YOUR "A GAME." THE ELAINE DANCE IS ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT DANCE TECHNIQUES IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

ILANA GLAZER

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT WHAT WE'VE BEEN TASKED WITH HERE. WE'VE GOT TO GET PROFESSIONAL, GORGEOUS, ELEGANZA DANCERS TO DANCE SOME HIDEOUS MOVES.

ABBI JACOBSON

LIKE REALLY STIFF. YEAH. BUT BE CAREFUL.

ILANA GLAZER

BUT WE TRIED FOR JULIA. WE TRIED FOR THAT JLD. FLAP THAT LEG AROUND. MAKE IT CONFUSED.

ABBI JACOBSON

YOU GOT IT? I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GOT IT.

ILANA GLAZER

ABBI IS NOT HAPPY, ABBI IS NOT HAPPY.

ABBI JACOBSON

YEAH WE GET IT. THIS IS FOR JULIA, GET ON POINT AND SUCK. YOU KNOW, I NEED A BREAK. I NEED A BREAK. ILANA YOU TAKE IT.

ILANA GLAZER

BE FUNNY. BE FUNNY. THIS IS JLD MOTHER (BLEEP)! I DIDN'T THINK THIS WAS GONNA BE THIS HARD! I DIDN'T THINK THIS WAS GONNA BE THIS HARD! WHY DID WE HIRE PROFESSIONAL DANCERS? CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME A SECOND PLEASE. WHENEVER WE HIT SOME SORT OF ROUGH PATCH, WE ASK OURSELVES, WWJLDD?

ABBI JACOBSON

WHAT WOULD JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS DO?

ILANA GLAZER

SHE'D DANCE.

ABBI JACOBSON

WE NOW PRESENT TO YOU...

BOTH

JULIA LOUIS DANCE!

MUSIC ENDS

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

PAUL BARROSSE

I THINK ANYTIME YOU WIN 11 EMMYS AND YOUR NAME ISN'T LUCILLE BALL, IT'S IMPRESSIVE.

STEPHEN COLBERT

AND THE EMMY GOES TO... OH IT'S ONE OF THE NICE ONES, JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS.

AMY POEHLER

I HAVE REALLY FOND MEMORIES ACTUALLY OF AWARD SHOWS WITH JULIA BECAUSE SHE WAS ALWAYS GAME.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

I'M A BIT OVERWHELMED OH MY GOD.

AMY POEHLER

I REMEMBER BEING LIKE, DO YOU WANT TO DO A BIT WHERE WE SWITCH SPEECHES?

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK NBC, "PARKS AND REC", UH... AND THERE'S ONE LAST THING WRITTEN HERE, "ISN'T IT A SHAME THAT AMY POEHLER DIDN'T WIN" WHAT?

AMY POEHLER

SHE WAS JUST ALWAYS READY TO DO THAT AND OF COURSE CAUSE SHE'S AWESOME AND UM, THOSE AWARDS SHOWS ARE DUMB. EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE. THIS IS THE ONLY ONE. INTERESTINGLY, JULIA HAS CHOSEN TO SIT IN THE FILM SECTION TONIGHT.

TINA FEY

OH, HUH.

BOTH

HI JULIA!

AMY POEHLER

YOU KNOW US FROM TV.

TINA FEY

HI. HI.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

IT IS TRULY AN HONOR JUST TO BE NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD, AND... UH NO, THAT'S, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING?

MATT WALSH

I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D WIN.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

OKAY. OKAY, THERE'S SOMEBODY VERY IMPORTANT NOT ON THIS LIST IN MY MIND AND THAT'S GOING TO COME BACK TO HAUNT ME, BUT UM, UM, MY UM, UH... I'D LIKE TO THANK OUR...

TONY HALE

THANK YOUR FAMILY.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

MY FAMILY.

TONY HALE

YOU LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

CLARK GREGG

HERE'S HOW THE EMMYS WORK. THEY HAVE THE EMMYS EVERY YEAR, AND JULIA GETS ONE.

AMY POEHLER

I THINK IT'S GREAT SHE HAS SOME KIND OF GUY THAT SHE CAN CALL, WHO GETS HER AN EMMY. THAT'S COOL.

SETH MEYERS

THE NOMINEES FOR LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES ARE... LISA KUDROW, "THE COMEBACK". JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS, "VEEP". AND THE EMMY GOES TO... JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS, "VEEP".

LISA KUDROW

BUT YOU SAW THAT THAT SHOT'S IS FROM BEFORE THEY ANNOUNCED THAT JULIA WON, RIGHT? BECAUSE I WAS ACTUALLY PERFECTLY FINE THAT JULIA WON. I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY FOR A SHOW I DID, IT WAS CALLED "THE COMEBACK" AND JULIA WAS NOMINATED FOR "THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE" AND OF COURSE, JULIA WON. AND, NO, I DIDN'T FEEL BAD BECAUSE IT TRULY DOESN'T HURT TO LOSE TO JULI... JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS, I JUST REFUSE TO SAY HER NAME. GOD! THE NEXT DAY, FLOWERS ARRIVE WITH THE NICEST NOTE FROM JULIA. AND NOW THAT IS THE MOST GENEROUS, GRACIOUS, THOUGHTFUL PERSON I'VE EVER MET. OK SO ALL I WANT TO DO IS GET IN TOUCH WITH JULIA BUT, OH MY GOD, I DON'T HAVE HER EMAIL OR ADDRESS, BUT NO, THAT'S OK, BECAUSE DAN BUCATINSKY, MY PRODUCING PARTNER IS JULIA'S GOOD FRIEND, AND I CAN JUST GET IT FROM HIM. SO I'M FIGURING OUT EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO WRITE, AND I GET A CALL TELLING ME THAT OUR SHOW HAS BEEN CANCELED. OH, OKAY. SO I GET, YOU KNOW A LITTLE DISTRACTED BECAUSE NOW, NO I HAVE TO MAKE SOME CALLS AND LET PEOPLE KNOW OR COMMISERATE, RIGHT. SO I CALL DAN, BUT I COULDN'T REACH HIM, SO I HAD TO GO TO A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT I HAD MADE, WHY? I DON'T KNOW, THE DAY AFTER THE EMMYS. BUT, I'M IN THE WAITING ROOM AND DAN CALLS ME. AND BEFORE I CAN SAY ANYTHING, HE SAYS HE'S CALLING FROM A PLANE ABOUT TO TAKE OFF FOR NEW YORK BECAUSE HE JUST FOUND OUT HIS FATHER NEEDS EMERGENCY BRAIN SURGERY. AND HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT OUR SHOW HAD BEEN CANCELED. I THINK I MADE A GOOD DECISION NOT TO TELL HIM BECAUSE IT DIDN'T SEEM LIKE THE RIGHT TIME TO SAY, "HEY! JULIA SENT ME THE NICEST FLOWERS AND A GREAT NOTE! CAN YOU GET ME HER ADDRESS?" NO, SO I GET THROUGH THE DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT, AND OH, IT WAS MY GYNECOLOGIST WHO, BY THE WAY, LET ME KNOW THAT DAY, THAT MY HORMONE LEVELS, AND OVARIES AND EGGS WERE, LIKE, ANCIENT AND I'LL PROBABLY BE STARTING MENOPAUSE, SO. OKAY... SO THEN IN 2015, 10 YEARS LATER WE DID A SECOND SEASON OF "THE COMEBACK" WHAT? AND I STILL HADN'T GONE INTO MENOPAUSE, BUT I WAS NOMINATED AGAIN AND JULIA WAS NOMINATED FOR "VEEP", AS YOU, YOU SAW IT, OF COURSE JULIA WON. SO THE NEXT DAY... I DIDN'T GET FLOWERS FROM JULIA, BECAUSE WHY ON EARTH WOULD SHE? YOU KNOW, BUT JUST SO, JUST SO YOU KNOW, JULIA, IF I EVER DO ANYTHING AGAIN AND I GET NOMINATED FOR IT, AND YOU WIN, I JUST, I WANTED YOU TO KNOW I'M CREATING A "SAFE SPACE" FOR YOU TO SEND ME FLOWERS AGAIN. OH! AND I DIDN'T TELL YOU WHAT THE NOTE FROM THE FLOWERS IN 2005 SAID. THE CARD READ SIMPLY "YOU WERE ROBBED, JULIA" I KNOW, ISN'T, OH MY GOD, WELL, THIS IS THE NOTE I HAD PREPARED TO SEND YOU IN RESPONSE, I MEAN IT'S ACTUALLY THE HOTEL STATIONERY, BUT I REMEMBER EXACTLY THE PERFECT THING THAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. AND IT WAS, "NOT ROBBED, JULIA, HONORED, LISA". AND YOU SHOULD, YOU PROBABLY WANT IT. LOOK IT'S A TREASURE, SO.

ANNOUNCER

FROM THOSE OLD NAVY COMMERCIALS WITH JULIA AND SNOOP DOGG... PLEASE WELCOME KUMAIL NANJIANI.

KUMAIL NANJIANI

THANK YOU, UM, I HAVE HAD THE GREAT HONOR OF WORKING ALONGSIDE JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS TWICE IN MY CAREER, AND I CAN TELL YOU,

THE EXPERIENCE WAS EVERYTHING YOU WANT IT TO BE

INSPIRING, HILARIOUS, ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING. NOT BECAUSE SHE'S A SCARY PERSON! NO. BECAUSE I AM A SCARED PERSON WHO GETS VERY NERVOUS WHEN I AM ASKED TO WORK ALONGSIDE A LEGEND. BUT JULIA, YOU WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE ME FEEL COMFORTABLE AND WELCOME. I'M BLOWN AWAY BY YOUR TALENT. WHILE SHE CRAFTS INCREDIBLE CHARACTERS ON SCREEN, SHE EXHIBITS EXCEPTIONAL STRENGTH OF CHARACTER OFF SCREEN. SHE USES HER VOICE TO FIGHT FOR THE VULNERABLE. SHE'S A BRILLIANT LEADER AND MOTIVATOR. SHE KNOWS HOW TO GET STUFF DONE. SHE'S, DARE I SAY, "PRESIDENTIAL?" SO OK, NOW, HEAR ME OUT, JULIA. THIS IS A BIG PITCH, THIS IS A BIG PITCH, THIS IS A BIG ONE. I'VE HEARD YOU SAY YOU NEVER WANT TO RUN FOR OFFICE, BUT I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER. I THINK YOU SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. AND THAT IS THE SUBJECT OF MY "TWAIN TALK." OK, HERE WE GO, OK. SO THE FIRST REASON YOU SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT, IS OBVIOUS. IN "VEEP", IN "VEEP" JULIA PLAYS A VP WHO DECIDES TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT, BECOMES PRESIDENT WHEN THE PRESIDENT RESIGNS, RUNS IN AN ELECTION WHICH RESULTS IN AN ELECTORAL TIE, WINS THE POPULAR VOTE, LOSES THE ELECTION, THEN DECIDES TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT, AGAIN. WHICH IS ACTUALLY MUCH SIMPLER THAN OUR CURRENT POLITICAL SITUATION. BUT PEOPLE HERE ARE LIKE, "'VEEP' IS A TV SHOW. THAT'S NOT REAL POLITICAL EXPERIENCE. THERE'S NO WAY SOMEONE WITHOUT POLITICAL EXPERIENCE COULD EVER BECOME PRESIDENT."

I HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THAT

GUESS WHAT IS A MASSIVE ASSET RIGHT NOW? BEING A WASHINGTON OUTSIDER! THE INSIDERS ARE OUT. OUTSIDERS ARE IN! SHE WILL DEPLETE THE MARSH. SHE WILL... SHE WILL EMPTY THE QUAGMIRE. SHE WILL SIPHON OFF THE MUD. NO OFFENSE TO ALMOST EVERYONE HERE.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

I HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THAT

. NOW, NOT ONLY WOULD SHE BE THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT, SHE'D BE THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO HAVE GUEST-STARRED ON "FAMILY TIES." JULIA, YOU DON'T WANT THAT HONOR TO GO TO TOM HANKS WHEN HE RUNS IN 2024. SHE'D BE VERY GOOD AT ANSWERING QUESTIONS WITHOUT REALLY GOING INTO DETAILS YOU KNOW. "THE DEFICIT IS GROWING AND CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL YADA, YADA, YADA, WE'RE INVADING CANADA." JULIA HAS THE EXPERIENCE TO DEAL WITH CONGRESS, BECAUSE SHE ALREADY KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO GET (BLEEP) BY CLOWNS.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

I HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THAT

. I'M SEEING YOU EXPLAIN IT TO YOUR MOM RIGHT NOW AND I... I CANNOT BELIEVE IT HAS NOT COME UP BEFORE TODAY. AND I WANT TO BE CLEAR, THAT'S FROM A GQ PHOTO SHOOT. I DID NOT PHOTOSHOP THAT, I'M NOT A PERVERT. ALTHOUGH IT IS MY SCREENSAVER. AND, FINALLY, TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHY SHE WOULD MAKE A GREAT PRESIDENT REQUIRES A STORY. THE FIRST TIME I MET JULIA, I WAS ON AN EPISODE OF "VEEP" WITH HER. WE WERE DOING THE SCENE, AND THEN BETWEEN TAKES SHE PULLED ME ASIDE AND SAID "HEY KUMAIL. IS IT OK IF I SAY SOMETHING MEAN ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE ON THE NEXT TAKE?" I SAID, "SURE. WHAT IS IT?" SHE SAID, "I'D RATHER JUST SAY IT ON CAMERA." DO YOU REMEMBER THIS? UH-HUH, BACK THEN YOU NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE ON THE KENNEDY CENTER SHOWING A PICTURE OF YOU (BLEEP) A CLOWN. SO SHE GOT MY PERMISSION TO SAY SOMETHING MEAN AND ON THE NEXT TAKE SHE SAID SOMETHING TO ME THAT ACTUALLY MADE IT INTO THE EPISODE. LET'S WATCH WHAT SHE SAID... IF YOU HAVE SOME WHITE WINE VINEGAR, THAT'LL GET IT RIGHT OUT.

SELINA MEYER

WHAT?

KUMAIL NANJIANI

WHITE WINE VINEGAR WILL LIFT THE STAIN.

SELINA MEYER

YOU TAKE YOUR EYEBROWS AND YOU GET OUT!

KUMAIL NANJIANI

CAN WE BRING UP THAT PICTURE OF THE CLOWN AND JULIA AGAIN? THIS BRINGS US TO THE MOST IMPORTANT REASON WHY SHE WOULD MAKE A GREAT PRESIDENT. SHE IS DIPLOMATIC, THAT USED TO BE PART OF IT. BUT YOU WERE, YOU WERE DIPLOMATIC, YOU WERE ABLE TO SAY THE FUNNY MEAN THING, BUT ALSO PREPPED ME SO THAT IT DIDN'T HURT MY FEELINGS. TOO MUCH. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT BEING A PRESIDENT IS ABOUT. SCREWING PEOPLE OVER WITHOUT HAVING THEM FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. AND SHE ASKED ME BEFORE SHE DID IT SO SHE VALUES CONSENT. SO I BEG YOU, JULIA, PLEASE, PLEASE RUN FOR OFFICE. BUT EVEN IF YOU DON'T. WE ARE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE YOU. YOU'VE INSPIRED ME, PERSONALLY, TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S POSSIBLE TO BE GROUNDED, REAL AND HYSTERICALLY FUNNY AND THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A DICK TO BE A COMEDIAN. THANK YOU.

GARY

AMERICA DOESN'T JUST LOVE YOU MA'AM, SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU.

SELINA

DO YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE A LITTLE BOY?

GARY

UH, A GORGEOUS BOY.

SELINA

YOU MEAN A PRETTY GIRL?

GARY

YEP.

SELINA

DO YOU THINK THAT I'M RUTHLESS...

GARY

NO!

SELINA

ENOUGH?

GARY

OH, ENOUGH?

SELINA

YEAH.

GARY

WELL I THINK YOU HAVE JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF GRIT IN YOUR OYSTER.

SELINA

HUH?

GARY

HM?

SELINA

YOU'RE LIKE PRINCE CHARMING.

ANNOUNCER

HE'S SPENT 7 SEASONS ON "VEEP" AS JULIA'S RIGHT HAND MAN, PLEASE WELCOME TONY HALE.

TONY HALE

GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING. IT IS A HUGE HONOR TO BE HERE TONIGHT TO CELEBRATE MY FRIEND JULIA. I MET JULIA YEARS AGO WHEN SHE WAS FILMING AN EPISODE OF "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT." I PLAYED THE EMASCULATED MAN-CHILD BUSTER BLUTH AND SHE PLAYED MAGGIE LIZER, THE BLIND LAWYER. SINCE THEN, JULIA OF COURSE HAS CONTINUED TO SUCCESSFULLY DEVELOP DIFFERENT CHARACTERS, WHILE I CONTINUE PLAYING DIFFERENT FORMS OF EMASCULATED MAN CHILDREN. AND CONTRARY TO WHAT PEOPLE MIGHT THINK, I AM... NOT DERIVING THAT FROM ANY PERSONAL PAIN. COME TO THINK OF IT, I THINK IT'S REALLY SILLY WHEN PEOPLE CONFUSE THE CHARACTERS THAT WE PLAY ON TV WITH THE PEOPLE THAT WE ARE IN REAL LIFE. FOR INSTANCE, THE CHARACTER THAT I PLAY ON "VEEP," GARY WALSH, HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT JULIA'S CHARACTER SELINA MEYER. HER SCHEDULE, HER DIET, HER FASHION CHOICES. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FASHION. TONIGHT, JULIA'S CHOICE TO WEAR AN OSCAR DE LA RENTA GOWN PAIRED WITH A MANOLO BLAHNIK STILETTO WAS 40% HER CHOICE. AND YES, WE FOUGHT OVER THE POPOV EARRING BUT WHO DOESN'T. AND PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS BEING THE LAST SEASON OF "VEEP." IT'S A JOB, I'LL BE FINE. MY IDENTITY IS NOT BASED ON THIS SHOW. THAT'S, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. MY IDENTITY IS BASED ON JULIA. I WILL CONTINUE PICKING UP HER DRY CLEANING WITH MY OWN, I WILL CONTINUE CARRYING HER PURSE TO TARGET, AND I WILL CONTINUE MY DAILY WORSHIP OF JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS LIKE I AM TONIGHT. THIS IS A TUESDAY FOR ME. NO, IN ALL SINCERITY, THOUGH, BEING HERE TONIGHT AND HAVING THE OPPORTUNITY TO CELEBRATE JULIA IS THE EASIEST JOB EVER. I'VE HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF WATCHING HER CREATIVE PROCESS FIRST-HAND FOR 7 YEARS. AND WHAT SHE DOES ON SCREEN IT LOOKS EFFORTLESS BUT BEHIND THE SCENES IT'S A VERY DIFFERENT STORY. HER COMMITMENT TO MEETING WITH THE WRITERS... TO FINDING THE PERFECT STORYLINE, THE PERFECT JOKE, THE PERFECT TIMING IT'S INCREDIBLE. AND THAT CREATIVE PROCESS CAN, CAN BE REALLY, REALLY TRICKY SOMETIMES AND KIND OF CHAOTIC BUT THE MAIN DIFFERENCE WITH JULIA IS SHE CONSISTENTLY HANDLES IT WITH GRACE AND INTEGRITY. EXCEPT THERE WAS THAT ONE TIME WHEN UM, I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING DURING A SCENE AND SHE TURNED TO ME AND SAID "TONY, YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT WATCHING THE SHOW, YOU'RE IN THE SHOW?" SO THAT, THAT WAS HUMBLING. BUT HONESTLY, JULIA'S TALENT, HER SUCCESS, HER MANY AWARDS ARE SEEN BY MILLIONS, BUT I'VE BEEN FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO SEE THE FRIEND. AND IN A BUSINESS WHERE SOMETIMES KINDNESS AND TREATING OTHERS WITH RESPECT CAN BE LACKING, JULIA KNOWS WHAT MATTERS AND MAKES THEM A PRIORITY ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE. SO ON BEHALF OF THE ENTIRE CAST, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR EXAMPLE FRIEND.

STEVE CARELL

SHE'S A PLEASURE, SHE IS JUST AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE TO WORK WITH.

MAN

JULIA, TAKE ONE.

CLARK GREGG

MAYBE I SHOULD TRY SOME BOOB ACTION.

WANDA SYKES

HER PERSONALITY ON SET IS ALWAYS FUN, BUT SHE'S DOWN FOR ANYTHING. IF IT'S GONNA MAKE IT FUNNIER, SHE'S GONNA DO IT.

CHRISTINE

KISS ME!

WANDA SYKES

AND FOR SOME REASON SHE ALWAYS WANTS TO FIND A WAY WHERE SHE CAN TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

CLARK GREGG

I LEARNED EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I THINK I KNOW ABOUT COMEDY, ABOUT HOW TO BE GENEROUS WITH OTHER ACTORS...

STEVE CARELL

THERE WAS ONE THING ABOUT WORKING WITH HER THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET. AFTER YOU SWEET MEAT. I WAS A STARVING ACTOR, SO SHE KIND OF FORCED THE WRITERS TO WRITE MORE STUFF FOR ME SO I COULD MAKE SOME MORE MONEY. I JUST NEVER FORGOT THAT. AND SINCE THEN IN MY OWN LIFE I'VE NEVER DONE THAT. I DID NOT PAY IT FORWARD, JUST SO YOU KNOW.

ELAINE

YOU KNOW, THE ONLY REASON I'M DOING THIS IS BECAUSE YOU WENT WITH AUDREY TO THE HOSPITAL.

STEVE CARELL

SHE LAUGHS MORE AT EVERYONE ELSE. SHE'S SUCH A GOOD AUDIENCE.

JERRY SEINFELD

THERE'S NO POINT IN GOING, JULIA'S LAUGHING.

DIRECTOR

OKAY, CAN WE GO?

JERRY SEINFELD

NO, SHE'S LAUGHING RIGHT NOW.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

YES, YES. WE CAN GO.

GEORGE SHAPIRO

YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I CALL HER DOCTOR JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS CAUSE SHE BRINGS LAUGH AND HEALING TO EVERYBODY IN THE HUMAN RACE.

ANNOUNCER

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JERRY SEINFELD.

JERRY SEINFELD

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU. OK, NOW, WHEN WE FIRST STARTED MAKING MY TV SERIES IN '89 WE MADE THE FIRST EPISODE, IT WAS BASICALLY ME, GEORGE AND KRAMER. GEORGE WAS KIND OF A LARRY DAVID CHARACTER, LARRY HAD A FUNNY NEIGHBOR NAMED KRAMER SO WE THREW HIM IN. WE USED AS LITTLE IMAGINATION AS POSSIBLE. ALL LARRY AND I REALLY WANTED TO DO WAS HAVE TWO GUYS TALK IN AN IDIOTIC WAY ABOUT COMPLETELY STUPID THINGS. WHICH IS NOT NOTHING. WE DID NOT WANT IT TO BE ABOUT NOTHING. WE WANTED IT TO BE ABOUT BEING STUPID. OK, SO WE MAKE THE FIRST EPISODE. I DON'T THINK ANYBODY LIKED IT THAT MUCH, THEY EVENTUALLY SAID, "OKAY, YOU CAN MAKE A FEW MORE, BUT YOU NEED A REAL FEMALE CHARACTER. ALL YOU'VE GOT IS THREE STUPID GUYS." NOW IN THE TV NETWORK WORLD OF THOSE DAYS, WHEN THE NETWORK EXECUTIVE'S SAY, "WE HAVE AN IDEA TO MAKE YOUR SHOW BETTER." IT IS ALWAYS, WITHOUT FAIL, WITHOUT EXCEPTION, THE WORST IDEA YOU HAVE EVER HEARD. WHICH IS NOT THEIR FAULT. IT'S NOT THEIR JOB TO HAVE FUNNY IDEAS. IT WOULD BE LIKE IF A GEOLOGIST SENT ME OUT INTO THE DESERT TO FIND THE MINERAL, BAUXITE. I COULD NEVER FIND IT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT BAUXITE IS. I'M NOT A GEOLOGIST. EVEN IF I FOUND IT, I WOULD NOT KNOW THAT I HAD FOUND IT. I CAN'T TELL ONE ROCK FROM ANOTHER. THIS IS WHY MOST TV SITCOMS ARE NOT FUNNY. BAUXITE. IF YOU'RE NOT A GEOLOGIST, DON'T GO LOOKING FOR IT. ANYWAY, WHEN THE NETWORK TELLS YOU WHAT THEY THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT'S CALLED A NETWORK NOTE. "THE NETWORK HAS A NOTE." IS WHAT THEY SAY. AND IN THIS CASE, WE THOUGHT, "OK, THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA. WE SHOULD HAVE A REAL WOMAN CHARACTER IN THE SHOW. WE'VE GOT THREE STUPID GUYS. LET'S ADD A SMART WOMAN. THAT'S FUNNY." MY POINT IS, THIS PERSON YOU SEE OVER HERE, JULIA. HOW YOU DOING SWEETIE? ARE YOU OKAY? IT'S ONLY A COUPLE MORE HOURS... THIS PERSON, JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS, WHO AGREED TO DO THIS PART WITH THREE STUPID GUYS AND USED IT TO LAUNCH ONE OF THE MOST BRILLIANT AND SPECTACULAR SHOW BUSINESS CAREERS OF ALL TIME... THIS PERSON IS A NETWORK NOTE. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT. THAT IS A HUMBLE BEGINNING. WHICH IS ALSO, NOT NOTHING. OK, SO THEN WE FLUSHED THE IDEA OUT A LITTLE MORE, WE DECIDED, OKAY, "LET'S MAKE IT A GIRL THAT JERRY USED TO DATE. IT DIDN'T WORK OUT, BUT WAS SO MUCH FUN TO JUST HANG OUT WITH, THEY DECIDED TO CONTINUE THE RELATIONSHIP AS FRIENDS." A COMPLETELY ABSURD IDEA, COULD NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. IT'S A TV SITCOM, IT'S, GOOD ENOUGH. OK, SO NOW AS LAME-O AS ALL THIS IS, I WAS STILL REQUIRED, AS AN ACTOR, TO PLAY THIS SITUATION. THAT SHE AND I WERE A COUPLE, WE BROKE UP, THERE WAS THIS OTHER ASPECT TO OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT ENABLED IT TO SURVIVE BUT WITHOUT THE ROMANTIC ELEMENT. YOU KNOW THERE'S SOME LAYERS AND COMPLEXITY TO THAT. AND, CANDIDLY SPEAKING, WAY, WAY BEYOND ANY ACTING ABILITY THAT I POSSESS. SO, HOW DID I DO IT? BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I DID IT. PEOPLE BOUGHT IT. THEY BELIEVED IT, THEY BELIEVED THE RELATIONSHIP. AND I THINK IT'S FAIR TO SAY, THE SHOW WENT ON TO DO VERY NICELY. HERE IS HOW I DID IT. I JUST REALLY, REALLY LIKED JULIA. I COULD NOT GET ENOUGH OF HER. 9 YEARS, I WAS NOT ACTING. I COULDN'T. I THOUGHT SHE WAS FUNNY, CHARMING, BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT EVERY SINGLE SECOND I EVER SPENT WITH HER ON STAGE AND OFF. BINGO, NO ACTING REQUIRED. JUST READ THE LINES IN THE SCRIPT. 180 EPISODES. SYNDICATION. DVD. STREAMING. PIECE OF CAKE. NOW, AFTER THE SHOW WAS OVER AND I STARTED SEEING HER ON OTHER SHOWS HAVING RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER TV CHARACTERS I CAN'T SAY THAT WAS THE EASIEST THING FOR ME TO HANDLE. I SUFFERED QUITE A BIT OF FAKE PAIN FROM THIS FAKE RELATIONSHIP. BUT I GUESS SOMEWHERE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND I KNEW THAT THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT WERE REQUIRED OF HER TO DO IF SHE WAS EVER GOING TO RECEIVE THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE. SO I ACCEPTED IT. AND I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER FOR HER THAT TONIGHT SHE IS HERE ACCEPTING THIS GREAT HONOR. CONGRATULATIONS, JULES, LOVE YOU.

ANNOUNCER

HERE TO PERFORM A SONG FOR JULIA, HER FRIEND JACK JOHNSON.

JACK JOHNSON

THERE IS NO COMBINATION OF WORDS THAT I COULD PUT ON A POSTCARD, THERE IS NO SONG THAT I COULD SING, I CAN TRY BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR HEART. THESE ARE OUR DREAMS, AND THEY ARE MADE OUT OF REAL THINGS. LIKE A SHOEBOX OF PHOTOGRAPHS WITH SEPIA-TONED LOVING. LOVE IS THE ANSWER. AT LEAST FOR MOST OF THE QUESTIONS IN MY HEART. LIKE "WHY ARE WE HERE?" "AND WHERE DO WE GO?" "AND HOW COME IT'S SO HARD?" IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY, AND SOMETIMES LIFE CAN BE DECEIVING, I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, IT'S SO MUCH BETTER WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER. YEA, IT'S SO MUCH BETTER WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER. WELL WE'LL LOOK AT THEM STARS WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER. YEA IT'S SO MUCH BETTER WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER. HEY, IT'S SO MUCH BETTER WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER. AND ALL OF THESE MOMENTS JUST MIGHT FIND THEIR WAY INTO MY DREAMS TONIGHT. BUT I KNOW THAT THEY'LL BE GONE IF THE MORNING LIGHT SINGS, AND BRINGS NEW THINGS. TOMORROW NIGHT YOU'LL SEE, THEY'LL BE GONE TOO, TOO MANY THINGS I'VE GOTTA DO. BUT IF ALL OF THESE DREAMS MIGHT FIND THEIR WAY INTO MY DAY-TO-DAY SCENE, I'D BE UNDER THE IMPRESSION I WAS SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN, WITH ONLY TWO JUST ME AND YOU NOT SO MANY THINGS WE GOT TO DO, OR PLACES WE GOT TO BE, WE'LL SIT BENEATH THE MANGO TREE NOW. YEAH, IT'S SO MUCH BETTER WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER. WE'RE SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN TOGETHER. YEAH, IT'S SO MUCH BETTER WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER. YEAH, IT'S SO MUCH BETTER WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER. BUT I BELIEVE IN MEMORIES. THEY LOOK SO, SO PRETTY WHEN I SLEEP. YEA NOW, AND WHEN I WAKE UP, YOU LOOK SO PRETTY SLEEPING NEXT TO ME, BUT THERE IS, THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME AND THERE IS NO, NO SONG I COULD SING. AND THERE IS NO COMBINATION OF WORDS I COULD SAY BUT I WILL STILL TELL YOU ONE THING, WE'RE BETTER TOGETHER. MMM. WE'RE SO MUCH BETTER WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER. LOVE YOU.

ANNOUNCER

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, PLEASE WELCOME THE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOHN F. KENNEDY CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS, DAVID RUBENSTEIN.

DAVID RUBENSTEIN

SO, EVERYBODY HAD A GOOD TIME SO FAR? THIS IS THE 21ST TIME THE KENNEDY CENTER HAS AWARDED THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE. FROM THE FIRST AWARDEE, RICHARD PRYOR, TO LAST YEAR'S HONOREE, DAVID LETTERMAN, THE PRIZE HAS GONE TO THE COUNTRY'S FINEST COMEDIANS AND COMIC WRITERS, INDIVIDUALS LIKE MARK TWAIN WHO MADE US SEE THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE AND MADE US REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT A SENSE OF HUMOR IS TO A FULL AND PLEASURABLE LIFE. FOR THAT WE ARE ALL GRATEFUL TO THOSE INDIVIDUALS. AND OF COURSE, JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS, A WASHINGTON GIRL MADE GOOD, IS IN THIS LONG TRADITION, AND SHE TOO DESERVES TO BE ON A MOUNT RUSHMORE OF HUMOR, IF ONE IS EVER CARVED INTO THE FOOTHILLS OF SOME MOUNTAIN. AND WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD TO HAVE A WOMAN ON MT. RUSHMORE? SO, IT IS MY GREAT HONOR TO PRESENT THE 2018 MARK TWAIN PRIZE FOR AMERICAN HUMOR TO JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU, OH MY GOODNESS. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH. THAT'S FINE, PLEASE SIT. THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WHEN MARK TWAIN FIRST EMAILED ME ABOUT THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE, I HAVE TO ADMIT, I TOTALLY MISUNDERSTOOD. I ASSUMED THAT I WAS BEING ASKED TO HONOR SOMEBODY ELSE WHO WAS RECEIVING THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE AND I THOUGHT, "OH MY GOD WHAT A HASSLE!" I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHO WOULD PUT ME THROUGH THIS? TO HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY TO WASHINGTON D.C., WHICH, NO OFFENSE, IS A NIGHTMARE, AND MAKE UP FLATTERING THINGS TO SAY ABOUT HOW FUNNY SOMEONE ELSE IS? NO (BLEEP) WAY!

AND THEN I RE-READ THE EMAIL AND I REALIZED

"OH, IT'S ME! THEY'RE GIVING IT TO ME! I GET THE PRIZE!" AND MY ATTITUDE ABOUT THE WHOLE THING CHANGED, IT REALLY DID. I DON'T KNOW, HONESTLY... I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING. THIS IS A GREAT NIGHT! AND A GREAT HONOR! AND IN BEAUTIFUL WASHINGTON DC, NO LESS! ANYBODY WOULD BE LUCKY TO BE A PART OF A NIGHT LIKE THIS HONORING SOMEBODY LIKE ME, RIGHT? AS A GREAT FAN OF THE WORK OF MARK TWAIN, I WAS SO SORRY WHEN I RECENTLY LEARNED HE WAS DEAD. MY, MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS GO OUT TO THE WHOLE TWAIN FAMILY. ESPECIALLY THE WONDERFUL SHANIA. UNFORTUNATELY, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES COULDN'T MAKE IT TONIGHT EITHER, EVEN THOUGH HE LIVES IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD MONDAYS THRU WEDNESDAYS. I AM SO LUCKY TO HAVE BEEN ON TELEVISION DOING COMEDY FOR MORE THAN 35 YEARS, ISN'T THAT RIDICULOUS? IT, IT, YOU KNOW, THE REALLY RIDICULOUS THING IS THAT I AM JUST AS GOOD AT DRAMA. YEA, I'M GOING TO TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY,

IT'S A LITTLE TRIVIA

THE, THE VERY SAME WEEK THAT I GOT CAST IN "SEINFELD", I WAS BEING CONSIDERED FOR THE JUICY LITTLE PART OF "PORTIA" IN DIRECTOR SIR PETER HALL'S BROADWAY PRODUCTION OF THE "MERCHANT OF VENICE." APPARENTLY, I DIDN'T GET THE PART SINCE SOMEONE ELSE EVENTUALLY PLAYED THE ROLE ON THE STAGE. AND UH, YOU KNOW, OF COURSE, I'M HAPPY THAT I DIDN'T GET THAT PART BECAUSE, IF I HAD, I WOULD NEVER HAVE PLAYED "ELAINE" ON "SEINFELD" AND WITHOUT "SEINFELD" I WOULD NOT BE HERE TODAY, SO, YOU KNOW, IT WORKED OUT, GREAT. TOTALLY FABULOUS, NO REGRETS HERE, NONE AT ALL, NONE WHATSOEVER. ANYWAY, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GET INTO SOME SERIOUS "THANK YOUS" UM, ABBI AND ILANA, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE...

JUST TO BE COMPLETELY CLEAR

I GAVE AN EXCELLENT AUDITION FOR "MERCHANT OF VENICE." OKAY, I MEAN,

JUST OBJECTIVELY SPEAKING NOW

I NAILED IT, OKAY. SO, I'M JUST A LITTLE CONFUSED AS TO WHY PETER HALL DIDN'T CAST ME, THAT'S ALL, THAT'S ALL. I'M NOT UPSET, OBVIOUSLY, BECAUSE I LOVE COMEDY AND I LOVE MY CAREER. SO UM, WHERE WAS I? OH YES, YES, YES, KEEGAN! OH MY GOD KEEGAN MICHAEL KEY, I-I, UM, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE ON MY SPECIAL NIGHT. LOOK, SIR PETER HALL MIGHT HAVE MADE A MISTAKE, OKAY, MY AUDITION WAS PORTIA'S SPEECH ABOUT MERCY, YOU PROBABLY KNOW THE SCENE, I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY I AM NOT GOING TO PERFORM IT RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A PRETTY WEIRD TANGENT TO HEAR SHAKESPEARE INTELLIGENTLY AND ENERGETICALLY PERFORMED IN THE MIDDLE OF A COMEDY TRIBUTE TO ME. SO. UM, KUMAIL, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. IT'S SO INSPIRING THAT YOU WERE ABLE TO CO-OPT YOUR WIFE'S HARROWING MEDICAL ORDEAL FOR AN OSCAR NOMINATION. BRYAN CRANSTON, YOU ARE A TRULY INCOMPARABLE TALENT AND A PLEASURE TO WORK WITH. YOU KNOW WHEN I THINK OF US ON "SEINFELD..." LOOK, I'M JUST GONNA DO IT. YOU WANT TO HEAR IT, RIGHT? I CAN DO SHAKESPEARE, OKAY? "THE QUALITY OF MERCY IS NOT STRAINED; IT DROPPETH AS THE GENTLE RAIN FROM HEAVEN UPON THE PLACE BENEATH. IT IS TWICE BLEST; IT BLESSETH HIM THAT GIVES AND HIM THAT TAKES."

AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

JUST OBJECTIVELY SPEAKING NOW

. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. AND STEPHEN COLBERT, MY FELLOW NORTHWESTERN ALUM, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. YOU ARE MY EVERY NIGHT HERO WHEN,

AT 11

35, A NATION TURNS ITS LONELY EYES TO YOU, WOO, WOO, WOO. STEPHEN USED TO PLAY A MANIC CONSERVATIVE, AND NOW HE PLAYS A DEPRESSED LIBERAL. THAT IS RANGE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. IT IS SO GREAT TO SEE LISA KUDROW HERE, SETTING ME UP JUST LIKE IN THE OLD DAYS WHEN "FRIENDS" WOULD SET UP "SEINFELD". AND JUST LIKE IN THE OLD DAYS, JERRY'S GOT ALL THE MONEY. AND MY DARLING DEAR, SWEET TONY HALE, IF I WEREN'T ALREADY MARRIED AND BRYAN AND KEEGAN WEREN'T ALREADY MARRIED AND IF YOU WEREN'T ALREADY MARRIED, THEN I'D DEFINITELY GET YOUR OPINION ABOUT ANY GUY I WAS DATING BEFORE MARRYING HIM. AND TINA FEY, YOU ARE A COMEDY GENIUS WHOM I ADMIRE ABOVE ALL HUMANS, TINA WAS HONORED WITH THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE TOO, YOU KNOW, BEFORE THEY GOT REAL SERIOUS ABOUT WHO THEY GIVE THESE THINGS TO. AND THANKS TO MY WONDERFUL NEIGHBOR, JACK JOHNSON. UH, I WAS GONNA MAKE A JOKE ABOUT JACK JOHNSON, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CAN'T SOMETHING REMAIN SACRED THIS EVENING? AND FINALLY TO MY WONDERFUL FRIEND JERRY SEINFELD. I LEARNED A LOT FROM JER' OVER THE YEARS, PRINCIPALLY THE IMPORTANCE OF HARD WORK. JERRY KILLED HIMSELF TO MAKE "SEINFELD" GOOD. HE AND LARRY DAVID WORKED SO HARD IT IS ACTUALLY, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE. AND THEY DIDN'T JUST DO IT TO MAKE THE SHOW SUCCESSFUL BECAUSE ONCE IT WAS SUCCESSFUL THEY WORKED EVEN HARDER. AND I HOPE UH, I HOPE A LITTLE OF THAT RUBBED OFF ON ME. I-I GREW UP HERE IN WASHINGTON, D.C., BACK DURING THE QUAINT, OLD-FASHIONED "RULE OF LAW" PERIOD. BEING FUNNY WAS A BIG PART OF MY GROWING UP. MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER BESSIE WAS THE FIRST PERSON I REMEMBER TELLING JOKES, SHE WAS IN HER 90S AND I WAS REALLY LITTLE AND SHE WOULD DO THESE EXTREMELY REPULSIVE IMPRESSIONS OF HER FIRST-GRADE TEACHER HAVING LIFE-THREATENING SEIZURES. AT LEAST I THINK IT WAS AN IMPRESSION. ANYWAY, EITHER WAY, I REALIZE NOW THAT IT WAS OFFENSIVE, AND SHE WAS WAY, WAY OUT OF LINE, BUT WHEN I WAS 5 YEARS OLD? HILARIOUS STUFF. MY MOM AND DAD GOT DIVORCED WHEN I WAS THREE, ALSO HILARIOUS. MY MOM IS ACTUALLY HERE TONIGHT WITH 80 OF HER CLOSEST FRIENDS. UM, LAST YEAR I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET AN EMMY AWARD FOR MY PERFORMANCE ON "VEEP," WHICH WAS AN INCREDIBLE THRILL AND IT SET SOME KIND OF A RECORD FOR THE MOST EMMYS BY SOMEBODY FOR DOING SOMETHING OR OTHER AND THEN ABOUT 12 HOURS LATER, I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER, ANOTHER HILARIOUS TURN OF EVENTS. I'M ONLY HALF KIDDING, OF COURSE. CANCER ISN'T AT ALL FUNNY BUT A BIG PART OF DEALING WITH IT HAS BEEN FINDING THE FUNNY MOMENTS. THE OLD CLICH ABOUT LAUGHTER BEING THE BEST MEDICINE TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE, WHICH IS GOOD, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION IS TRYING TO REPLACE OBAMACARE WITH. WHEN I WAS GETTING MY HIDEOUS CHEMOTHERAPY, I'D CRAM A BUNCH OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS INTO THE TINY TREATMENT ROOM WITH ME AND WE REALLY DID HAVE SOME GREAT LAUGHS. OF COURSE, I WAS HEAVILY MEDICATED AND SLIPPING IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS, SO I WAS PROBABLY A PRETTY EASY AUDIENCE. BUT MY POINT IS THAT LAUGHTER IS A BASIC HUMAN NEED, ALONG WITH LOVE AND FOOD AND AN HBO SUBSCRIPTION. THERE'S NO SITUATION, NONE, THAT ISN'T IMPROVED WITH A COUPLE OF LAUGHS. EVERYBODY NEEDS LAUGHS, SO THE FACT THAT I'VE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH FOR A LIVING IS ONE OF THE MANY BLESSINGS THAT I HAVE RECEIVED IN MY LIFE.

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

AT 11

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA, I HAVE TWO SONS, CHARLIE AND HENRY. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU ARE A WORKING MOTHER, OH YOU REALLY WORRY ABOUT THE TIME SPENT AWAY FROM YOUR KIDS. YOU TRY YOUR BEST TO BE THERE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT YOU MISS STUFF, AND YOU WORRY THAT THEY'RE GONNA JUST GET ALL SCREWED UP AND SUFFER ALL KINDS OF ANGST AND NEUROSES WHEN THEY GROW UP AND THEN YOU GET THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE, I GOTTA SAY IT'S WORTH IT. I'D ALSO, I'D ALSO, LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY CHERISHED HUSBAND BRAD HALL, WHO I DIDN'T JUST MARRY BECAUSE HIS NAME SOUNDS LIKE PETER HALL AND IT KIND OF FELT LIKE I WAS FINALLY GETTING THE PART. NO. BRAD NEVER FAILS TO SHOW UP AT EVENTS LIKE THIS, THIS VERY ONE, HE PUTS ON A SUIT HE PUTS ON A SMILE AND IS THE MOST SUPPORTIVE AND PRESENT SPOUSE IN THE WORLD. NO, NO, NO. YES, THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH, DEAR BRAD, THANK YOU. AND FINALLY, THANKS TO MARK AND MRS. TWAIN, AND TO EVERYONE WHO HAS PARTICIPATED IN THIS EXHAUSTING EVENING. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND GOOD EVENING, AND THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

AMY POEHLER

SO JULIA, NOW THAT YOU'VE WON THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU AND BRAD TO OPEN UP THAT MARRIAGE. CAUSE EVERYBODY WANTS IT.

WANDA SYKES

I JUST WANNA SEE WHAT YOU DO NEXT, YOU KNOW, CAUSE I GOT THE BREAST CANCER FIRST, AND THEN SHE GETS THE BREAST CANCER.

ELLIE KEMPER

COME BACK THE NEXT TWO YEARS AND WIN THE TWAIN. THREE-PEAT!

WANDA SYKES

I'M JUST WAITING FOR HER TO COME OUT. SHE'S GONNA COME OUT AS A BLACK GAY WOMAN.

STEVE CARELL

YOU KNOW NOW THAT YOU HAVE WON THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE YOU CAN JUST TELL EVERYBODY TO (BLEEP) OFF. BECAUSE IN THE WORDS OF THE MAN HIMSELF. "HELLO, I AM MARK TWAIN, A-K-A SAMUEL CLEMENS, (BLEEP) OFF".

ANNOUNCER

WATCH THIS SHOW ONLINE, ENJOY ADDITIONAL WEB EXCLUSIVE CONTENT, AND LEARN MORE ABOUT THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE AND ITS PAST WINNERS BY VISITING PBS.ORG/MARKTWAINPRIZE. AND JOIN THE CONVERSATION ON TWITTER USING #PBSTWAIN. CORPORATE FUNDING FOR THIS PROGRAM