Great Performances

-Next on "Great Performances"... - It's been four weeks since the treatment, and my mind is still a mess And what's left to be remembered well, it's anybody's guess -Join us for an intimate portrait of one family's struggle with a tragic loss and a mother's battle with bipolar disorder.

- Catch me, I'm falling -Unresolved loss can lead to depression.

- Catch me, I'm falling -Fear of loss to anxiety.

-A father strives to hold everything together.

- Take this chance 'Cause it may be your last To be free -A neglected daughter tries to find her way.

- Take a look at the invisible girl Here she is clear as the day -And together, they look for a brighter future.

Stay tuned for the Tony Award- and Pulitzer Prize-winning musical "Next to Normal."

- Light Major funding for "Great Performances" is provided by... ...and by contributions to your PBS station from viewers like you.

Thank you.

This program contains content that is not suitable for all audiences, including descriptions of self-harm.

Viewer discretion is advised.

-[ Sighs ] -What are you doing up?

-[ Scoffs ] -It's 3:30.

It's the seventh night this week I've sat till morning -Oh!

Great!

Here we go.

- Imagining the ways you might have died -Yep!

And tonight's winner is?

- In a freak September ice-storm with no warning -'Cause that happens.

There's a gang war, there's a bird flu, trains collide -What did we say about watching the news?

Now you act all sweet and surly But you swore you'd come home early, and you lied -You gotta let go, Mom.

I'm almost 18.

-Are you snorting coke?

-Not at the moment.

-Who's up at this hour?

-Father.

Go.

Up the back way.

-Why does he hate me?

-Because you're a total loser.

-You can't call me a loser.

-Is everything okay?

I heard voices.

-Just me, talking to myself, you know.

Now you head on upstairs.

I'll be up for sex in a minute.

-You'll... Are you sure everything's okay?

-Uh-huh.

Go.

They're the perfect loving family, so adoring And I love them every day of every week So my son's a little brat, my husband's boring And my daughter, though a genius, is a freak Still, I help them love each other Father, mother, sister, brother, cheek-to-cheek Natalie.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

-Is everything okay?

-Everything's great.

Why wouldn't it be great?

It's great.

I've just got three more chapters of calculus, a physics problem set, a history quiz, and two more pages on floral imagery in "Flowers for Algernon," which is just duh.

Everything's so under control.

It's just calm.

-Okay, honey, you need to slow down and take some time for yourself.

I'm going to have sex with your father.

-Great.

Thanks.

So glad I know that!

So, it's times like these I wonder how I take it And if other families live the way we do If they love each other or if they just fake it And if other daughters feel like I feel, too 'Cause some days, I think I'm dying But I'm really only trying to get through - For just another day For another stolen hour When the world will feel my power and obey - It's just another day - Feeling like I'll live forever - Feeling like this feeling never goes away - For just another day -That was great, wasn't it?

That was great.

Geez, I'm late.

-Mm!

That'll teach you to take a whole 10 minutes.

-I'm sorry, what?

-I said, isn't it a beautiful day?

-Oh, yeah, sure.

It's cloudy and raining and really cold for September, but beautiful.

-Makes you want to dive in with both feet, doesn't it?

-Absolutely.

I never know what she's talking about.

When it's up you to hold your house together A house you built with patience and with care But you're grappling with that gray and rainy weather And you're living on a latte and a prayer - Prayer - Can you keep the cup from tipping?

Can you keep your grip from slipping in despair?

For just another day In the hustle and the hurry - You want to wipe your worry clean away -Oh.

- For just another day - I will keep the plates all spinning - With a smile so white and winning all the way - 'Cause what doesn't kill me doesn't kill me So fill me up for just another day - It only hurts when I'm here - Bum, bum, bum -You're gonna be late, and you've got a huge day today.

-You have no idea what I do all day.

-Jazz band before school, class, Key Club, then football.

-Not bad.

-Mm.

Now get out of here.

-Okay.

[ Chuckles ] - It only hurts when he goes - Bum, bum, bum -Morning, sunshine.

-So, I got the date for my winter recital, Do you think you guys can come?

-Uh, yeah!

We'll put it on the calendar.

-Mom, the calendar is still on April of last year.

-Mm.

Well, happy Easter.

-Happy Easter, Mom.

-Hi, sweetheart.

-Hey.

She's on fire this morning.

-Oh, I know.

-Ew.

-Honey, can you do the shopping today?

I'm slammed at work, and we're out of everything.

-I keep cave clean.

You go out, get fire!

-[ Laughs ] Absolutely.

Again, no clue.

- It only hurts when I breathe - It only hurts when I try - It only hurts when I think - It only hurts when I cry - It only hurts when I work - It hurts - It only hurts when I play - It hurts - It only hurts when I move - It hurts when I say - It only hurts when I say - It's just another day - A busy, busy day - And the morning sun is stunning - And you wish that you were running far away - I will hide the mess away - It's just another day - And I'll survive another day - Birds are singing, things are growing - And I will pray - And you wish you would be going, but you stay - Hold on just this way - You stay - For my family's sake - Though you know it's now or never - I'll take what I can take - And you know that for forever - Though I'm only just awake Every day is just another And another and another I will hold it all together We're the perfect loving family -Diana?

- If they say we're not, then screw 'em We're the perfect loving family I will keep the plates all spinning -Diana... - And the world just keeps on spinning And I think the house is spinning.

-Hey, Diana, honey?

-Dad?

-Don't worry about it.

-Go on ahead.

You'll miss your bus.

-Mom?

-Everything's fine!

Just making sandwiches.

On the floor.

Um... -You go on ahead.

You'll miss your bus.

-Go.

Sweetie, everything okay?

-Hmm?

-Yeah.

I wanted to get ahead on lunches.

-Yeah, sure.

Why don't you let me help you up?

-Well, I guess I got a little carried away.

-Maybe a little.

Um, let's go see Dr. Fine.

T-This is just a blip, okay?

It's nothing to worry about.

I'll, uh, wrap up the sandwiches, and then we'll go.

[ Bell rings ] - Mozart was crazy Flat freaking crazy Nutso, I hear But his music's not crazy It's balanced, it's nimble, it's crystalline-clear There's harmony, logic You listen to these You don't hear his doubts or his debts or disease You scan through the score and put fingers on keys And you play And everything else goes away Everything else goes away So you play till it's perfect, you play till you ache You play till the strings or your fingernails break So you'll rock that recital and get into Yale So you won't feel so sick and you won't look so pale 'Cause you've got your full ride, and it means that you're gone So you're done with this school and you get to move on So you graduate early, you're gone as of May And there's nothing your paranoid parents can say And you know that it's just a sonata away And you play And you play And everything else goes away Everything else goes away Everything else goes -- -Sounds good.

-Uh, I-I still have this practice room for seven and a half minutes.

-Yeah.

I mean, I know.

I just like to listen.

I'm Henry.

-Natalie.

-Yeah.

I mean, I know.

-It's a little creepy that you know.

-We've gone to school together for like six years.

-Really?

-I sit behind you in four classes.

-Huh!

Also creepy.

-You're in here a lot.

You know, before school... and after.

-Right.

Seven minutes.

You give up way too easily.

-[ Laughs nervously ] You're kind of a confusing person.

-You should meet my mother.

-The pink ones are taken with food, but not with the white ones.

The white ones are taken with the round yellow ones, but not with the triangle yellow ones.

The triangle yellow ones are taken with the oblong green ones with food, but not with the pink ones.

If a train's leaving New York at 120 miles an hour and the other train is leaving St. Petersburg at the same time but going backwards, which train do you get on... - Who's crazy?

The husband or wife?

Who's crazy?

To live their whole life Believing that somehow, things aren't as bizarre as they are?

Who's crazy?

The one who can't cope Or maybe The one who'll still hope?

The one who sees doctors or the one who just waits in the car?

And I was a wild twenty-five And I loved a wife so alive But now I believe I would settle For one who can drive -The round blue ones are taken with food, but not with the oblong white ones.

The white ones are taken with the round yellow ones, but not with the trapezoidal green ones.

Break the green ones into thirds with a tiny chisel, put it all into a mortar... - My psychopharmacologist and I It's like an odd romance Intense and very intimate We do our dance My psychopharmacologist and I Call it a lover's game He knows my deepest secrets I know his name And though he'll never hold me He'll always take my calls It's truly like he told me Without a little lift, the ballerina falls -Goodman, Diana.

Bipolar disorder with delusional episodes.

16-year history of medication.

Adjustment after four weeks.

-I've got less anxiety, but I have headaches and blurry vision and I can't feel my toes.

-So, we'll try again, and eventually, we'll get it right.

-Mm!

Not a very exact science, is it?

- Zoloft and Paxil and BuSpar and Xanax Depakote, Klonopin, Ambien, Prozac Ativan calms me when I see the bills These are a few of my favorite pills -[ Gasps ] Thank you, Doctor!

Valium is my favorite color.

How'd you know?

-It's just t-the thing about jazz is, how do you ever know if you got it right?

-It's just making stuff up.

-Which is also known as the act of creation.

-Oh.

You're one of those pretentious stoner types.

-That's totally not fair.

I'm not pretentious.

I'm definitely not classical.

It's far too rigid and structured.

There's no room for improvisation.

You have to play the notes on the page.

-Yeah, and what did Mozart know, anyway?

He should have just smoked a bowl and jammed on "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

-[ Laughs ] Yeah, let's do that!

-Goodman, Diana.

Second adjustment after eight weeks.

Delusions less frequent, but depressive state worse.

-I'm nauseous and I'm constipated.

Completely lost my appetite and gained 6 pounds.

Which is just, you know, not fair.

- May cause the following side effects, one or more Dizziness, drowsiness, sexual dysfunction Headaches and tremors and nightmares and seizures Anxiousness, anger, exhaustion, insomnia, irritability, nausea, vomiting - Odd and alarming sexual feelings - Oh, and one last thing - Use may be fatal - Use may be fatal - Use may be fatal -Goodman, Diana.

Third adjustment after 12 weeks.

Reports continued, mild anxiety and some lingering depression.

-I now can't feel my fingers or my toes.

I-I sweat profusely for no reason.

-I've wasted like weeks of practice with you, improvising.

-Oscar Peterson was classically trained.

-Beethoven did cocaine.

-Miles Davis went to Juilliard.

-Mozart wrote poems about farts.

-Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire for sex.

Though whether that's the medicine or the marriage is anybody's guess.

-I'm sure it's the medicine.

-Oh, thank you.

That's very sweet.

[ Giggles ] But my husband is waiting in the car.

- Who's crazy?

The one who's half-gone, or maybe The one who holds on?

Remembering when she was twenty And brilliant and bold And I was so young And so dumb And now I am old And she was wicked and wired - And though he'll never hold me - The sex was simply inspired - He'll always take my calls - Now there's no sex, she's depressed - It's truly like he told me - And me, I'm just tired, tired, tired, tired - Without a little lift, the ballerina falls - Who's crazy?

- My psychopharmacologist and I - The one who's uncured, or maybe - Together side by side - The one who's endured?

- The one who has treatments - Without him, I'd die - Or the one who just lives with the pain?

- My psychopharmacologist and I - They say love is blind But believe me [ Pills rattle, chuckles ] Love is insane -Goodman, Diana.

16 weeks.

-I don't feel like myself.

I mean, I-I don't feel anything.

-Uh-huh.

Patient stable.

[ Cheers and applause ] -Hey, uh, your mom's, like, in the next room.

-She's in denial.

It's totally convenient.

Dude, it's therapeutic.

-Right.

It's medical marijuana to treat your ADHD.

-Totally.

[ Chuckles ] Huh?

-Oh, uh, I don't put anything into my mouth that's on fire.

-I guess that's a good rule.

-Oh!

Uh... -Oh.

-No, I... -[ Sighs ] I can't do this.

Not with my life.

I-I'm like one screw-up from disaster.

-Your life's not a disaster.

The environment is a disaster.

X is a disaster.

-You're stoned.

- Our planet is poisoned The oceans, the air Around and beneath and above you - Um, Henry, that's true, and I totally care - I'm trying to tell you I love you -What?

- The world is at war, filled with death and disease We dance on the edge of destruction The globe's getting warmer by deadly degrees - And this is one messed-up seduction - This planet is pretty much broken beyond all repair But one thing is working If you're standing there Perfect for you I could be perfect for you And I might be lazy, a loner, a bit of a stoner, it's true But I might be perfect I'll make myself perfect Perfect for you You square all the corners, I straighten the curves - You've got some nerve, Henry, and I'm just all nerves - But even if everything else turns to dirt - We'll be the one thing in this world that won't hurt - I can't fix what's messed up But one thing I know I can do I can be perfect for you - I can be perfect for you - Perfect for you -Nice house.

Can I come in?

-Oh, no.

-Oh.

-Are you spying on your own daughter?

-When did she get a boyfriend?

-Ew.

-How did I miss this?

-Well, you kinda miss a lot.

-You think they're in love?

-[ Laughs ] Who knows?

They're young and they're horny.

It happens.

-Marry me.

-What?

-Marry me.

Let's have a family.

Now, I-I know we're too young, but we're not.

I'm almost 22.

And h-how do you know that this isn't a sign saying we belong together?

-How do you know it's not a sign saying get new rubbers?

-Because I know it's not.

I love you and this baby.

-[ Laughs ] Dan, this is crazy.

-This is crazy.

-Maybe it is.

-Maybe it is.

-[ Laughs ] [ Laughs ] - There was a time when I flew higher Was a time the wild girl running free Would be me Now I see her feel the fire Now I know she needs me there to share I'm nowhere All these blank and tranquil years Seems they dried up all my tears And while she runs free and fast Seems my wild days are past But I miss the mountains I miss the dizzy heights All the manic, magic days And the dark, depressing nights I miss the mountains I miss the highs and lows All the climbing, all the falling All the while, the wild wind blows Stinging you with snow And soaking you with rain I miss the mountains I miss the pain Mountains make you crazy Here, it's safe and sound My mind is somewhere hazy My feet are on the ground Everything is balanced here and on an even keel Everything is perfect Nothing's real Nothing's real And I miss the mountains I miss the lonely climb Wandering through the wilderness And spending all my time Where the air is clear and cuts you like a knife I miss the mountains I miss the mountains I miss my life I miss my life [ Cheers and applause ] -Are you sure about this, Mom?

-What?

You think it's a bad idea?

-Um...

I think it's a great idea.

Yeah.

I think you're brave.

-What will your father think?

-Nothing.

If he doesn't know.

- It's gonna be good - Good, good, good - It's gonna be good - Good, good, good - It's gonna be good - G-O-O-D, good - It's gonna be good - Uh-huh - It's gonna be good - Mm-hmm - Two weeks, and it's all working just the way I knew it would And I don't sit at work just waiting for the phone to ring - A-ling - It's a good, good, good, good thing - Ring - A-ling - Ring - A-ling -Hello?

Oh, hi, sweetie!

- Uh-huh -Yeah, everything's great, fantastic.

I disinfected the entire house, rewired the computer, and did some decoupage.

Okay, bye-bye.

- Uh-huh -Oh, next, I think I'll retile the roof.

- It's gonna be great - It's gonna be great - Will be great - The sex is still amazing, and we don't stay up that late It's almost been a month, and she's as happy as a clam - Happy as a clam - Do I look great, I am -Look, I'd ask you in, but it's too soon.

-We've been going out for nine weeks and three days.

Don't I get to meet your family?

-Oh, you keep count?

You're so the girl.

And no.

-Natalie!

And this must be Harry!

-It's Henry.

-Pleasure to finally meet you.

Come on in.

Why don't you join us for dinner?

-Uh, Dad, no!

Henry really can't stay.

He's got, uh... - It's gonna be good -Homework.

- It's gonna be good -Surgery.

- Gonna sit right down together like a happy family should -Rabies.

- And eat and talk and laugh and joke, my pride, my brood, and me It's gonna be good, you'll see We'll smile and chat, and just like that, we'll all be all okay It's gonna be great, it's gonna be great It's gonna be, gonna be, gonna be great that way Hey It's gonna be good, it's gonna be great Gonna sit right down together like a happy family should And eat and talk and laugh and joke, my family and me It's gonna be good, gonna be good Gonna be, gonna be, gonna be, gonna be, gonna be Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good It's gonna be good, it's gonna be good - It's gonna be good, you'll see -Okay!

It's somebody's birthday!

-[ Laughs ] Whose birthday is it?

-My brother's.

-Oh.

I didn't know you had a brother.

-I don't.

He died before I was born.

-What?

What is it?

- He's not here He's not here Love, I know you know -[ Laughs ] - Do you feel He's still real?

Love, it's just not so -Just stop.

- Why is it you still believe?

Do you dream or do you grieve?

You've got to let him go He's been dead all these years No, my love He's not here -This is bull.

-Language.

-No, screw this.

-It was wonderful to meet you both.

Thank you.

-What about the new meds?

-We have the happiest septic tank on the block.

-You... -Come on, Di.

They were working.

-They weren't, really.

-[ Sighs ] Alright, um, we'll get a new round.

We'll go back to Dr. Fine.

-No!

-Diana, look, I know this is hard.

-Oh, you know?

Really?

What exactly do you know?

-I know that you're hurting, alright?

I am, too.

- Do you wake up in the morning and need help to lift your head?

Do you read obituaries and feel jealous of the dead?

It's like living on a cliffside, not knowing when you'll dive Do you know, do you know what it's like to die alive?

When a world that once had color fades to white and gray and black When tomorrow terrifies you, but you'll die if you look back You don't know I know you don't know You say that you're hurting It sure doesn't show You don't know It lays me so low When you say, "Let go" And I say, "You don't know" The sensation that you're screaming, but you never make a sound Or the feeling that you're falling, but you never hit the ground It just keeps on rushing at you day by day by day by day You don't know, you don't know what it's like to live that way Like a refugee, a fugitive forever on the run If it gets me, it will kill me, but I don't know what I've done - Can you tell me What it is you're afraid of?

-Oh, I... - And can you tell me why I'm afraid it's me?

Can I touch you?

We've been fine for so long now How could something go wrong that I can't see?

'Cause I'm holding on And I won't let go I just thought you should know I am the one who knows you I am the one who cares I am the one who's always been there I am the one who's helped you And if you think that I just don't give a damn Then you just don't know who I am Could you leave me?

- Hey, Dad, it's me - Could you let me go under?

- Why can't you see?

- Will you watch as I drown And wonder why?

- I wonder why - Are you bleeding?

- Are you waiting, are you wishing, are you wanting all that she can't give?

- Are you bruised, are you broken?

- Are you hurting, are you healing, are you hoping for a life to live?

- Does it help you to know That so am I?

- Well, so am I - Tell me what to do - Look at me - Tell me who to be - Look at me, and you'll see - So I can see what you see - I am the one who'll hold you - I am - I am the one who'll stay - I am - I am the one who won't walk away - I won't walk away - Yeah, yeah, yeah I am the one who'll hear you - I am - And now you tell me that I won't give a damn - You don't give a damn - But I know you know who I am - Who I am - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - That's who I am - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - That's who I am - Who I am - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - That's who I am 'Cause I'm holding on - You say you hurt like me - And I won't let go - You say that you know - Yeah, I thought you should know - Oh, you don't know - I am the one who knows you - I know you don't know - I am the one who cares - You say that you're hurting - I am the one who's always been there - I know it ain't so You don't know - Yeah, yeah, yeah I am the one who needs you - Why don't you just go?

- And if you think that I - 'Cause it lays me low - Just don't give a damn - When I say - Then you just don't know who I am - You don't know - Who I am - You don't know - Who I am - You just don't know who I am [ Cheers and applause ] -When she gets like this, she's useless.

Can't use the phone, can't drive, can't... -Well, I bet she's got great pills.

I mean, not that I would go there.

That stuff's inorganic.

-And totally ineffective, apparently.

-You know me.

I'm old school.

A dying breed.

You see, all the preppies and the jocks, they're raiding their parents' medicine cabinets.

They're popping Xanax and snorting Adderall.

-Really?

-But me, I'm the master of the lost art of making a pipe out of an apple.

-Yeah.

You're the MacGyver of pot.

You promise this'll help?

-No.

What?

- Superboy and the invisible girl Son of steel and daughter of air He's a hero, a lover, a prince She's not there Superboy and the invisible girl Everything a kid oughta be He's immortal, forever alive Then there's me I wish I could fly And magically appear and disappear I wish I could fly I'd fly far away from here Superboy and the invisible girl He's the one you wish would appear He's your hero, forever your son He's not here I am here - You know that's not true You're our little pride and joy, our perfect plan You know I love you I love you as much as I can.

- Take a look at the invisible girl Here she is, clear as the day Please look closely and find her before she fades away - Superboy and the invisible girl Son of steel and daughter of air He's a hero, a lover, a prince She's not there She's not there She's not there She's not there [ Cheers and applause ] -[ Coughs ] -Let's not get discouraged.

Alright?

We'll find a doctor who can treat you without the drugs.

Alright?

There is someone out there for you.

In the depression forums, they say it's like dating.

You know, you have to keep going until you find the right match.

-They have depression forums?

-Yeah.

And, uh this doctor is supposed to be fantastic, like a real rock star.

Three different women at work gave me his name.

-Three women at work know I'm nuts?

-[ Clears throat ] -Ah!

-Diana.

This way, please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah -What did you just say?

-I said "Welcome."

I'm Dr. Madden.

Have a seat.

It's -- It's nice to meet you.

Let's get it on now, baby -Excuse me, what?

-I said, let's get started.

Are you nervous, Diana?

-I am, a little.

Um, a bit out of breath.

Tingly, actually.

Uh, now you go.

-Uh, let's start by getting to know each other a bit.

Psychotherapy and medication work best in tandem, but we can try the first alone and see how far we get.

Why don't you tell me.

Baby, what's your history?

Where'd you go, and who'd you see, yeah -Um, my history?

-Mm.

-Okay, uh, I was diagnosed bipolar, wow, 16 years ago, uh, but it turned out bipolar didn't totally cover it.

-Often, the best we can do is put names to collections of symptoms.

It's possible bipolar has more in common with schizophrenia than depression.

-Yeah, when I was young, my mother called me "high-spirited."

She would know.

She was so high-spirited, they banned her from the PTA.

-Sometimes, we have a predisposition to illness, but actual onset is often triggered by some traumatic event.

-Look, I never know what to say when I have to go over all this.

It starts to sounds like some story I tell about some other person entirely.

-Why don't you tell me about the last time you truly felt happy.

Uh, were you happy when you got married?

-Yeah, I thought I was.

-There's a difference between being happy and just thinking that you're happy?

-Most people who think they're happy just haven't thought about it enough.

Most people who think they're happy are actually just stupid.

-Ah.

I see.

Uh, were you happy when your son was born?

-My son.

-Tell me about him.

-About my son?

-Why is he still around?

-Who is he?

What is he?

- I am what you want me to be And I'm your worst fear, you'll find it in me Come closer Come closer -Where does he come from, do you think?

- I am more than memory I am what might be, I am mystery You know me So show me When I appear, it's not so clear If I'm a simple spirit or I'm flesh and blood But I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive And I feed on the fear that's behind your eyes And I need you to need me, it's no surprise I'm alive I'm so alive I'm alive -Four times a week?

That's a lot, isn't it?

-Um, it's what the doctor recommended.

-This is never going to get better, is it?

He's never going away.

-I don't know, Natalie.

-You know, this is one of those moments where you could just be a typical parent and lie.

Say "yes."

-Yes.

-Ah, thanks.

That's comforting.

- I am flame and I am fire I am destruction, decay, and desire I'll hurt you -You know, Natalie... - I'll heal you -...it's not all about your comfort.

- I'm your wish, your dream come true And I am your darkest nightmare, too I've shown you -It's about helping your mother.

- I own you -As always.

- And though you made me, you can't change me I'm the perfect stranger, who knows you too well And I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive And I'll tell you the truth if you let me try You're alive, I'm alive, and I'll show you why I'm alive I'm so alive I'm alive -Risperdal.

- I'm alive -Valium.

Xanax.

- I'm alive -What the heck?

- I'm alive I'm right behind you You say "forget," but I remind you You can try to hide, you know that I will find you 'Cause if you won't grieve me You won't leave me behind Ah, hoo -Let's say he's 18 now.

Isn't that when kids move out?

Isn't it time to let him go?

- No, no, no, I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive If you climb on my back, then we both can fly If you try to deny me, I'll never die I'm alive I'm so alive I'm alive Yeah, yeah I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive [ Cheers and applause ] -It's been four weeks, and I'd like to try something new today.

Sometimes, when these stories are hard to tell, hypnosis can be helpful.

-[ Laughs ] -Oh I, uh...

I don't think I could be hypnotized.

I mean, it's fine.

I'm just not the type.

-Uh-huh.

Put your feet on the floor.

Your hands in your lap.

Breathe.

- Walk with me, walk with me -Okay, I'm walking.

- Go all the way down Down a long flight of stairs -Ooh, stairs!

Go step by step into the darkness down there -Should we turn on a light?

You know, for the stairs?

-[ Laughs ] - Walk with me down a hall A hall that you know At the end, there's a door It's a door that you've never laid eyes on before Open the door Open the door Can you hear me, Diana?

-Yes.

-Are you nervous?

-No.

-Good.

Now... Make up your mind to explore yourself Make up your mind, you have stories to tell We'll search in your past for what sorrows may last Then make up your mind to be well -Di, you come home from these sessions in tears.

Is this helping, or... Di?

Di... -We were both undergrads.

Architecture.

The baby wasn't planned.

Neither was the marriage.

I'd always expected to be too busy, but when the baby came, it all seemed to make sense.

Until... Until... -Until?

- He's not here He's not here Love, I know you know - Make up your mind that you're strong enough Make up your mind, let the truth be revealed Admit what you've lost and live with the cost At times, it does hurt to be healed - Catch me, I'm falling -In our first session, you told me... - Catch me, I'm falling -...that talking through your history... - Faster than anyone should - Catch me, I'm falling -...it feels like it's about someone else.

- Please hear me calling -Make it about you.

- Catch me, I'm falling for good -[ Sniffles ] -Hey.

-Hey.

-I'm not supposed to be backstage, but, uh... For luck.

-Uh, did you see my parents out there?

-Are you okay?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

My dad said they'd both be here.

-Okay, well, I'm sure they will be.

-Will they?

-We had Natalie to re... And I know she knows.

I couldn't hold her in the hospital.

-Well, where are they?

-I couldn't let myself hold her.

-That's the first time you've mentioned Natalie in weeks of therapy.

-You gotta be kidding me.

She's not there - She's not there She's not there - Make up your mind, you want clarity Take what you know and then make it make sense Just face what you fear, and soon, it comes clear The visions are just your defense -Thank you for coming.

Natalie Goodman.

[ Piano plays ] [ Playing stops ] -Let's try to understand what all of this is doing to you and to your family.

[ Plays bad notes, smacks keys ] -Ugh!

-Your grief for your son.

Your distance from Natalie.

-Sorry.

Sorry, it's just, um... You know what the problem with classical is?

It's so rigid and -- and structured.

You have to play the notes on the page.

There's no room for improvisation.

-Oh, no.

- Catch me, I'm falling - Make up your mind, you can live at last - Take a look - Make up your mind to be fully alive Embrace what's inside Replace what has died And make up your mind you'll survive - Catch me, I'm falling -Unresolved loss can lead to depression.

- Catch me, I'm falling -Fear of loss to anxiety.

- Flying headfirst into fate Catch me, I'm falling -The more you hold on to something you've lost... - Please hear me calling -...the more you fear losing it.

- Catch me before it's too late -Depression, anxiety.

- Catch me before it's too late -Depression, anxiety, one gives rise to the other.

- Catch me before it's too late -It becomes a cycle.

- Catch me, I'm falling Catch me, I'm falling Catch me, I'm falling -Wouldn't you like to be free from all of that, finally?

Wouldn't you like to go home, clear out his things, maybe spend some time with your daughter, and let your son go at last?

-Uh, should we go?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Mom?

-Yes, I would.

-[ Crying ] -This, um...

This is good, Di.

This is a good step.

-Okay.

[ Sniffles ] [ Whimpers ] [ Crying ] My baby.

[ Humming ] I saw you light the ballroom With your sparkling eyes of blue Graceful as an angel's wing I dreamed a dance with you You whispered slyly, softly You told me you would be true We spun around a thousand stars I dreamed a dance with you I know the night is dying, dear I know the day will dawn - The dancers may disappear Still, the dance goes on - And on - I'll wake alone tomorrow The dream of our dance is through But now until forever, love I'll live to dance with you I'll dream my love I'll live my love And I'll die to dance with - There's a world There's a world I know A place we can go Where the pain will go away There's a world where the sun shines each day There's a world There's a world out there I'll show you just where And in time, I know you'll see There's a world where we Can be free Come with me -Goodman, Diana.

- Come with me -Discovered unconscious at home.

- There's a world where we can be free -Multiple razor wounds to wrists and forearms, self-inflicted.

- Come with me -Saline rinse, sutures, gauze, I.V., antibiotics, isolated, sedated, and restrained.

Damn it!

ECT is indicated.

-Wow!

Um...

I mean, they still do that?

-We do, yes.

It's the standard in cases like this.

She's got a long history of drug-therapy resistance, and she's acutely suicidal.

It's really our best option.

-It's kind of terrifying.

-It's not.

The electricity involved is barely enough to light a 100-watt bulb.

-Oh, well, if it's just a 100-watt bulb... -It's safer than crossing the street, and the short-term success rate is over 80%.

-I thought she was better.

-Sometimes, patients regain just enough strength to follow through on suicidal impulses, but not enough to resist them.

-Well, that seems very messed up.

-Yes.

Legally, we need her consent, and hospital policy says we need yours, too.

-I don't think she's gonna go for this.

-Mr. Goodman, I can administer the ECT and you can take her home in three weeks, or I can keep her sedated for another 48 hours, discharge her, and wait for her to try again.

Go home, take the night.

We'll talk to her in the morning.

- Standing in this room Well, I wonder what comes now I know I have to help her But hell if I know how And all the times that I've been told The way her illness goes The truth of it is, no one really knows And every day, this act we act gets more and more absurd And all my fears just sit inside me, screaming to be heard I know they won't, though, not a single word I was here, at her side When she called, when she cried How could she leave me on my own?

Will it work, this cure?

There's no way to be sure But I'm weary to the bone And whenever she goes flying I keep my feet right on the ground Oh, now I need a lift, and there's no one around Hey - Hey, oh - Oh, ooh - Oh, ooh - You know And I've never had to face the world without her at my side Now I'm strolling right beside her as the black hole opens wide Mine is just a slower suicide I've been here for the show Every high, every low But it's the worst we've ever known She's been hurt, and how But I can't give up now 'Cause I've never been alone I could never be alone -Why didn't you take me with you?

-Don't see a lot of you these days.

This Henry a good influence?

-Like, compared to what?

-Okay, that's fair.

The aftereffects are minimal.

You'll feel like you have a bit of a hangover.

-Mom?

Mom!

Please don't let them do this.

It causes brain damage.

-Your mother's in for a new treatment, ECT.

-Okay.

L-M-N-O-P. What is that?

-Electroconvulsive therapy.

Shock therapy.

-A minority of patients have reported some memory loss, but it's usually not much memory.

-How do you know how much memory you've lost if you've lost it?

-You're kidding, right?

Dad, that's bull!

-Language!

-Patients have said it's like becoming a new person.

-It's bull!

She trusts you!

-Oh, Natalie!

- Didn't I see this movie with McMurphy and the nurse?

That hospital was heavy, but this cuckoo's nest is worse Isn't this the one where, in the end, the good guys fry?

Didn't I see this movie and didn't I cry?

Didn't I cry?

-The modern procedure is clean and simple.

Hundreds of thousands of patients receive it every year.

- What makes you think I'd lose my mind for you?

I'm no sociopath, I'm no Sylvia Plath I ain't no Frances Farmer kind of find for you So stay out of my brain I'm no princess of pain Didn't I see this movie with a doctor dressed like you?

Where the patient got impatient and said, "Sorry, Doc, I'm through"?

I know where this is going and I know what you're about 'Cause I have seen this movie and I walked out I walked out I'm walking - One light shines in the drive One single sign that our house is alive Our house Our own So why do I live there alone?

Tell me why I wait through the night And why do I leave on the light?

You know I know Our house was a home long ago Take this chance 'Cause it may be our last to be free To let go of the past And to try to be husband and wife To let love never die Or to just live our life Take my hand And let me take your heart Keep it far from what keeps us apart Let us start With a light in the dark Night falls, I stare at the walls - I stare at these walls - I wake and wander the halls - I get lost in these halls - And I ache to the bone - It's like nothing I've known - I can't get through this alone - Take this chance And we'll make a new start Somewhere far from what keeps us apart And I swear that somewhere in the night There's a light A light in the dark [ Cheers and applause ] -Come on, this is my favorite club.

Let's go.

-Isn't three clubs a little much for a Tuesday night?

Wednesday morning.

-Come on, they're playing my favorite song.

-They're all your favorite song.

What are you on?

-Uh, Adderall.

And Xanax.

And Valium.

And Robitussin.

-Since when did you become a bad influence on me?

-Hey, I'm under stress.

My mom's in a hospital, being electrocuted.

-Good morning, Diana.

It's good to see you again.

-Seriously, she gets it like every other day for the next three weeks.

I can't even deal.

I'd never let them mess with my brain like that.

No, you're strictly a do-it-yourselfer.

-I see you've met our anesthesiologist.

Now, just relax, breathe normally, count backwards from 100, and before you reach zero, you should be asleep.

When you wake up, you may feel some muscle stiffness, disorientation.

Don't worry.

It's completely normal.

Diana?

Diana?

Ah, good.

- In an instant, lightning flashes And the burst might leave me blind When the bolt of lightning crashes And it burns right through my mind It's like someone drained my brain out Set my frozen mind to thaw Let the lethargy and pain out While I stood and watched in awe I am riding on the brightest buzz I am worlds away from who I was And they told me it would change me Though they don't know how it does - Though they don't know how it does - I have lived a life of clouds and gray, but this is crystal-clear Wish I were here - Wish I were here - I imagine it's remarkable, exuberant, austere Wish I were here - Wish I were here - Wish I were here - Wish I were here - It's euphoria, it's anger It's the winter wind, it's fire - It's the winter wind, it's fire - And it kills my deepest hunger as it fills me with desire I'm the light and heat of every sun - I'm the light and heat of every sun - I'm a bullet from a magic gun - I'm a bullet from a magic gun - And I'm trying to enjoy it - But I'm missing all the fun - I am missing all the fun - Am I feeling what I think I'm feeling?

The hope, the heat, the fear - Wish I were here - Wish I were here - Is this someone else's head trip?

Do I just disappear?

- Wish I were here - Wish I were here - Wish I were here - Wish I were Here -Natalie.

What are you doing in my electricity?

-It's always all about you, isn't it?

I'm robo-trippin'.

I can't feel my legs.

-I don't want you doing drugs.

-Well, that's persuasive, coming from Pfizer's Woman of the Year.

You're the one who's hallucinating.

-It's my treatment.

It's a miracle.

Everything is different now.

-I know what you mean.

- Plug me in and turn me on And flip the switch, I'm good as gone It slips my skin and trips my brain I feel the burn, but I don't feel the pain Is my brain reborn or is it wrecked?

In freedom or in fear?

- Wish I were here - Wish I were here - Have I blown my mind forever?

Is cloudy my new clear?

- Wish I were here - Wish I were here - Wish I were here - Wish I were -Natalie!

Natalie, come on!

This is the fifth night in a row I've had to come and find you at some random club.

-Diana?

-Dan.

-Three weeks are up.

It's time to go home.

-Home?

But, I -- -No, don't -- don't talk.

Just relax.

-Okay, you can go.

I'm like 70% less messed up now.

Seriously, my dad's gonna be home any minute.

He's bringing my mom back from the hospital.

You don't wanna be here.

-Will you call me?

-Just go!

Can I hide my stupid hunger?

Fake some confidence and cheer?

Wish I were here Wish I were here -We're here.

-Hey.

Wow!

You look great.

-Oh, well, thank you.

And who are you?

-Who am I?

-Diana, this is Natalie.

-Your daughter.

-Oh.

Of course.

And this is our house?

-Diana, don't you... Um, you don't remember any of this?

-I should, right?

- This house and all these rooms Last Christmas or last year Out back, the dogwood blooms - Do I really live here?

- The paint, the walls All this glass and wood You don't recall?

- How I wish I could - Our house on Walton Way The house with the red door?

Our trip to St. Tropez The whole week a downpour?

- My first few steps And my first lost tooth What, nothing yet?

- To tell the truth - Sing a song of forgetting A song of the way things were not Sing of what's lost to you Of times that you never knew Sing of not remembering when Of memories that go unremembered, and then Sing a song of forgetting again That day our child was born Our baby girl's first cry That gray and drizzly morn I've never felt so high - The day we met And we shared two beers - Then?

I forget - That's nineteen years -Well, Dr. Mitchell did say there may be some memory loss.

-It's Dr. Madden.

-Well, see?

There you go.

- What a lovely cure It's a medical miracle With a mind so pure That she doesn't know anything - It's there, I'm sure 'Cause memories don't die - Why?

- They don't die - They die - I'll try - Sing a song of forgetting - A song of the way things were not - Sing of what's lost to you - What's lost to you What's lost to you - Of times that you never knew - What's lost to you You never knew - Sing of not remembering when Of memories that go unremembered, and then - Sing a song of forgetting - Sing a song of forgetting - Sing a song of forgetting - Again [ Bell rings ] - Hey - Hey - I've missed you these days I thought you might call It's been weeks - I've been crazed Hey Have you been on the scene?

'Cause you look like a mess - Thanks, I guess - Are you clean?

- Wow!

Coming from you!

- I don't do what you do - Okay, how did it start?

- But you took it too far - Oh, I took it too far?

- Hey, hey - Henry, don't, don't do this to me - Are we over?

Don't say that we're over - Don't you want us to be?

- No, I want who I knew She's somewhere in you Hey Say Will you come to this dance?

It's some spring formal dance It's May 1st, and it's cheese But it's fun and it's free - I don't do dances - Do this dance with me - Goodbye, Henry -Natalie... Natalie, wait up.

Hey... -This much loss is rare, but it has been reported.

It may be partly psychogenic.

At times like this, the mind tends to repress troubling memories.

But they're still there, somewhere.

They tend to return in fits and starts.

It's been two weeks.

- A little loss of memory is normal And helpful in forgetting all her fears - I couldn't give a flying fig what's normal We haven't had a "normal" day in years - Diana, are things becoming clearer with the treatment?

-Yes.

- Is life less cloudy than it was before?

-Well, yes.

Do you still feel your head is filled with concrete?

-No.

And you're not a scary rock star anymore Okay, great.

[ Laughs ] -What about her memory?

- The memories are there, somewhere Find some pictures you can share Keepsakes of the life that's there behind her -Do I bring up the subject of -- -Yes.

But keep it light at first, that's best Careful that she's not distressed When the time is right, tell the rest Remind her You'll find her So, let's start with something small Something personal and pretty I bet you'll know these shiny things -Um...they must be tacky trinkets from, I guess, Atlantic City?

- No.

Actually, Di, they're our wedding rings -It's going well.

- Here's a flower from our wedding It was such a sight to see With the ceremony everything we'd hoped -Uh, Dad?

- Well, that's how I remember it So, that's how it'll be - It was raining, it was Portland, you eloped I mean, Portland?

- It's an open book to write here It's a life we can restore We can get back what we had and maybe more Maybe get us back to better than before -Uh, you're missing a few pictures here, Dad.

Didn't the doctor say -- -The doctor said at the right time.

-Oh.

Well, then... - Here's the year we drove the West We hit the highway in the Honda And I took pictures everywhere we went We saw the Painted Desert, the Grand Canyon, and Aunt Rhonda And Nat learned what her middle finger meant Here's the first house that we owned On Walton Way, we loved that place Then we built this one on land that we both chose And here's a pic of all of us with smiles on every face And the photoshopping hardly even shows - We're standing by a lake, with all these ducks And who's this little, chubby girl?

- That's Natalie - This stinks Hey, Nat!

Nat!

Gonna get us back to normal Gonna get us back to good Gonna get back what we had and maybe more We'll remember all the good times and forget the things we should Gonna get us back to better than before We can get things back to better than before -Alright.

Fine.

Here's the headline in the paper When you freaked out at the market Here's the house on Walton Way after the fire -Natalie!

- Here's the damage to the Honda When you showed me how to park it - Did we crush somebody's cat beneath the tire?

-Yes.

Ours.

Here's Dad at my recital And we're wondering where you are - I remember this, I made it to the school -Wait, you remember?

It was the year of too much lithium I hid out in the car -Yes.

- And your swim meet just last year I'm in the pool -So you are.

You're getting it!

You've got it, Di, hooray!

- Your life has kind of stunk, I think - You've got it, yay, hooray - Hooray!

- Hooray!

- Gonna get back what I lost there Gonna find out who I was Gonna open up the gates and let it pour And if memory makes things better, well, memory always does Gonna get us back to better than before - Make everything much better than before - Won't anything be better than before?

- Better than before - I guess it must be better than before - Better than before Better than before - They've managed to get rid of me, return me to the grave ECT, electric chair, we shock who we can't save They've cleared you of my memory, and many more, as well You may have wanted some of them, but who can ever tell?

Your brainwaves are more regular, the chemistry more pure The headaches and the nausea will pass, and you'll endure Your son is gone forever, though, of that the doctor's sure The memories will wane The aftershocks remain You wonder which is worse The symptom or the cure -Di, honey, you've been at this for days.

-Something is missing, Dan.

It's like it's tugging at me.

I can almost see it.

-Come to bed.

If -- If the memories are meant to come back, they will.

-Oh.

Hi, Ms. Goodman.

I just needed to talk to Natalie about some homework.

I know it's late.

Um... She's not been answering her phone, and I thought -- Is everything okay?

-Henry?

-Yes.

-God, you remind me of someone.

How old are you?

-Uh, 17.

Why?

-I don't know.

Uh, Natalie's in her room.

-Thank you.

- They've managed to get rid of me, I'm gone without a trace But sear the soul and leave a scar no treatment can erase They cut away the cancer but forgot to fill the hole They moved me from your memory, I'm still there in your soul Your life goes back to normal now or so they all believe Your heart is in your chest again, not hanging from your sleeve They've driven out the demons and they've earned you this reprieve The memories are gone The aftershocks live on But with nothing to remember Is there nothing left to grieve?

- With nothing to remember - Hey - Hey - So, tomorrow's the dance It's annoying, I know But let's go - Not a chance - Let me know you again - Not right now - Okay, when?

Say "wait," and I'll wait - It's already too late - There's no way it's too late - There's no way - Hey - I stayed by your side - Will you listen?

- Just shut up and listen - Why do I get denied?

- You remind me of me And how messed up I can be Okay Hey Let's start over, clean slate I'll come by here at eight If you show, then we'll go And if you don't, well, we'll see - You just don't give up - So don't give up on me - Goodbye, Henry - It's been four weeks since the treatment, and my mind is still a mess And what's left to be remembered, well, it's anybody's guess 'Cause my past is like the weather It will come and it will go I don't know, even know, what it is that I don't know I'm some Christopher Columbus, sailing out into my mind With no map of where I'm going or of what I've left behind I don't know The things I don't know I'm sure something's missing, and I wish it would show I don't know You say take it slow, and I do Although, how I do, I don't know - Are you talking with your husband?

- Well, he hasn't much to say - Is it helping you remember?

- I remember that's his way - Does the puzzle come together piece by piece and row by row?

- I don't know, I don't know where the stupid pieces go 'Cause I don't know how this started So I won't know when it's done - Have you talked of your depression, your delusions, and your son?

My what?

-Your husband didn't... Mm!

I think you two should talk more.

-We should talk more?

That's it?

I don't even remember marrying this man!

It's not like I'm some sexually frustrated soccer mom.

-Interestingly, the underlying challenges are similar, but, uh...

I'll see you next week.

-But Doctor, I -- -Next week.

-[ Sighs ] -[ Humming ] -What are you doing?

-What is this?

-Hey, where'd you get that?

Um, it's, uh...

It's nothing.

It's, uh...

It's just an old music box.

-We used to play it for the baby.

Sometimes, it helped him sleep.

-Diana... -Him!

We did have a boy.

-Diana, you shouldn't.

- We were still living downtown -It's not a good idea.

- My black coat thrown over my blue nightgown You drove too fast The lights of the city flew past -Please don't.

- How could I ever forget?

Outside, the morning was cool and wet He had such chills But still, he lay there so still And just eight months old So cold We ran him inside Lost, worrying, wondering That hospital room That gloom How could I ever forget?

- How could I ever forget?

- Screaming at doctors, alarmed, upset - God, I was so upset - They said to wait - Diana, don't - They never said we were too late - You think this will help, but it won't - But I was a child - So many years ago - Raising a child - So much we could not know - Those weeks full of joy Then a moment of dread Someone simply said "Your child is..." - How could I ever forget?

- How could I ever forget?

- This was the moment my life was set The day that I lost you It's clear as the day we met How could I ever forget?

-Why would you want to remember the things that hurt you?

-I want to remember everything, Dan.

How did he die?

-He was sick.

-With what?

Why wasn't he treated?

What was wrong?

- Something the doctors all missed The clinic, the E.R., each specialist They said, "Babies cry Allergies, gas, who knows why?"

And I was a child Raising a child We stayed up all night Most nights, you slept at his side -Oh, God.

- But still, he just cried And cried -He was a baby when he died, but I remember him older.

-No, he was a baby.

Um... We should call Dr. Madden.

-Why would we call Dr. Madden?

I'm just -- I'm trying to make sense of this.

Wait.

What was his name?

I don't remember you ever saying his name.

Why is that?

-Diana, um... -What was his name?

Tell me.

- It's gonna be fine, it's gonna be fine Gonna go back to the doctor 'cause we caught it just in time -His name!

We'll take the pills and pay the bills, we'll do more ECT -Our son.

- It's gonna be good, you'll see -What was his name?

- It's gonna be good, you'll see -What was his name?!

- It's gonna be good... - What was his name, what was his name, what was his, what was his, what was his, what was his Name, name, name, name, name, name, name, name What was his name, what was his name?

-No!

-Dad!

-Natalie!

-[ Crying ] Why stay?

Why stay?

So steadfast and stolid And stoic and solid For day after every day Why stay?

Why stay?

Why not simply give in and get on with livin' 'Cause everyone knows you tried But somehow, something died on the way So tell me why you stay - Why stay, why stay?

Enduring and coping and hurting and hoping for day after fricking day Why stay, why stay?

Why not simply end it, we'd all comprehend it And most of the world would say, "He's better off that way To be free And maybe so is she" - A promise, a boy says forever A boy says, "Whatever may come, we'll come through And who can know how, when all I know now to be true Is this promise that I made to you - A question, a boy wonders whether - A boy wonders, "Should I stay?"

- The two stay together the way that they stay For year after year For love or from fear Either way, that's the promise that I made that day Here's what I say to the girl who was burning so brightly Like the light from Orion above - And still, I will search for her nightly If you see her, please send her my love And the boy was a boy for all seasons - The boy is long-lost - That boy is long-lost to me now - So lost - The man has forgotten his reasons - The man still remembers his vow A promise, a man says "Forever" A man says, "I'll never regret or let you" The promise that I made to stay And I stayed true Knowing one day we'd remember that joy You'd remember that girl, I'd remember that boy Till we do, the promise I made I'll make it brand-new The promise that I made to you - I am more than memory I am what might be I am mystery Come closer -Dan.

- Come closer -Diana, there's nothing there.

- I'm old as time and forever young I am every song that will stay unsung I'll find you -Oh, no.

-You're kidding!

- Remind you -Natalie!

-Diana, come back here!

- Until you name me, you can't tame me This is one old game that I can play so well I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive And the medicine failed, and the doctors lied I'm alive, I'm alive, I am death defied I'm alive So alive I'm alive -I can't go to your dance.

I have to take my mom to the doctor.

-I'll drive.

-No.

- I'm alive -Natalie, let me help you.

-No, you can't.

-Diana!

-Just go.

- I'm alive -Look, I'll try to come later, okay?

-Okay, I'll wait for you there.

- I'm alive - They told me that the wiring was somehow all misfiring and screwing up the signals in my brain And then they told me chemistry, the juice, and not the circuitry was mixing up and making me insane What happens when the burn has healed, but the skin has not regrown?

What happens when the cast at last comes off and then you find the break was always in another bone?

-Relapse is very common, Diana.

It's upsetting that the delusional episodes have returned, but not entirely unexpected.

- They tried a million meds and they strapped me to their beds and they shrugged and told me, "That's the way it goes" When, finally, you hit it, I asked you just what did it, you shrugged and said that no one really knows What happens if the medicine wasn't really in control?

What happens if the cut, the burn, the break was never in my brain or in my blood, but in my soul?

What happens if the cut, the burn, the break was never in my brain or in my blood, but in my soul?

- Make up your mind, this is clarity Clarity that you did not have before The treatment is strong, but lasts only so long It may be your mind's needing more -Let's say that's not it.

The ECT is powerful.

It gave you your life back.

But the effects fade, and additional treatments are almost always needed.

-That wasn't on the form.

- Make up your mind that you'll try again Make up your mind, there are moments of light The one thing that's sure is that there is no cure But that doesn't mean we don't fight - Catch me, I'm falling -We'll return to talk therapy.

- Sinking and sprawling -There's still work to do.

- Maybe I'll let myself fall Watch me, I'm falling -We might have to look at, uh... - Maybe the falling -...a new drug regimen.

- Isn't so bad after all -There are other promising therapies.

EMDR, for instance, or rTMS.

- Isn't so bad after all Watch me, I'm falling -Diana!

- Watch me, I'm flying - Make up your mind - Somehow surviving -Diana, you have a chronic illness!

Like diabetes or hypertension, if left untreated, it could be catastrophic.

-I understand.

But there has to be another way.

- Stay with me, try again Don't walk out on treatment, don't lose what you've won You've struggled for years, but you've only begun -My first psychiatrist told me that, according to the manual, grief that continues past six months is pathological and should be medicated.

Six months.

For the life of my child.

Who makes these decisions?

-It's a guideline, nothing more.

-Yes.

Nothing more.

- Stay with me, try again Is medicine magic?

You know that it's not We know it's not perfect, but it's what we've got That's all that we've got -Goodbye, Dr. Madden.

-So, what did he say?

-Uh, he said I could do more ECT or go back on the meds.

-Okay, so, what are you gonna do?

-I'm gonna take you to your dance.

-Mom... -It's time you start thinking of your own happiness.

It's not happiness.

It's Henry.

-You love him.

-Mom, you can't just walk out on your doctor.

- Maybe I've lost it at last Maybe my last lucid moment has passed I'm dancing with death, I suppose But, really, who knows?

Maybe I'm tired of the game Of coming up short of the rules, of the shame And maybe you feel that way, too I see me in you A girl full of anger and hope A girl with a mother who just couldn't cope A girl who felt caught And thought no one could see But maybe one day, she'll be free - It's so lovely that you're sharing No, really, I'm all ears But where has all this caring been for sixteen years?

For all those years I prayed that you'd go away for good Half the time afraid that you really would When I thought you might be dying I cried for all we'd never be But there'll be no more crying Not for me - Things will get better, you'll see - Not for me - You'll see -No!

- Not for me - You'll see - Not for me - You'll see - Not for m-e-e - You'll s-e-ee Maybe we can't be okay But maybe we're tough, and we'll try anyway We'll live with what's real Let go of what's past And maybe I'll see you at last -I don't believe you.

-17 years ago, your brother died of an intestinal obstruction.

He was 8 months old.

I know I -- I couldn't say that to you before.

I'm sorry.

We wanted to give you a normal life.

I realize I have no clue what that is.

- I don't need a life that's normal That's way too far away But something next to normal would be okay Yeah, something next to normal That's the thing I'd like to try Close enough to normal To get by - We'll get by - We'll get by -Okay.

Now go to your dance.

- Hey - Hey - You look like a star A vision in blue -Oh, I do.

- And you are Hey You came - Well, I said that I might - I thought we were through Me and you - Not tonight - Will your mom be okay?

- Well, she might be someday - But for now, it's all fine?

- She's still on my mind - Can you leave it behind?

Stay - Let's see this thing through - Am I crazy?

I might end up crazy - I'll be here for you - You say that right here But then give it a year, or ten years, or a life I could end up your wife Sitting, staring at walls Throwing crap down the stairs Freaking out at the store Running nude down the street Bleeding out in the bath -Shh!

-[ Crying ] - Perfect for you I will be perfect for you So you could go crazy, or I could go crazy It's true Sometimes life is insane But crazy I know I can do 'Cause crazy is perfect, and messed-up is perfect So I will be perfect - Perfect - Perfect for you - So, anyway I'm leaving I thought you'd like to know You're faithful, come what may But clearly I can't stay We'd both go mad that way So, here I go And anyway I'm leaving I guess that you can see I'll try this on my own A life I've never known I'll face the dread alone But I'll be free With you always beside me To catch me when I fall I'd never get to know the feel of solid ground at all With you always believing that we could still come through It makes me feel the fool to know that it's not true What doctors call dysfunction, we tried to call romance And true, it's quite a trick To tell the dancers from the dance But rather than let chance take me I'll take a chance I'll take a chance on leaving It's that or stay and die I loved you once, and though you love me still, I know It's time for me to fly I loved you once, and though I love you still, I know It's time for me to go And so... Goodbye - I am the one who loved you I am the one who stayed I am the one And you walked away I am the one who waited And now you act like you just don't give a damn Like you never knew who I am - I am the one who knows you - I am - I am the one you fear - I am - I am the one who's always been here - I am - I am the one who'll hear you - I am - I know you told her that I'm not worth a damn But I know you know who I am -No.

- I know you know who I am -Can't you just leave me alone?

- I know you know who I am -Why didn't you go with her?

- 'Cause I'm holding on -Let me go!

- And I won't let go - Let me go - I want you to know - You don't know - I am the one who held you I am the one who cried I am the one who watched while you died Yeah, yeah, yeah I am the one who loved you I tried pretending that I don't give a damn But you've always known who I am -Gabe.

Gabriel.

-Hi, Dad.

-Dad?

What's going on?

Why are the lights off?

Where's Mom?

-She's...

Uh, she's, uh... -Gone?

-Yeah.

-So, it's, uh...

It's just me and you for now.

-Oh... -Yeah.

-[ Crying ] -[ Cries ] -Hey.

Okay.

Okay.

-[ Crying ] - We need some light First of all, we need some light You can't sit here in the dark And all alone It's a sorry sight It's just you and me [ Smooches ] We'll live, you'll see - Night after night We'd sit and wait for the morning light But we've waited far too long For all that's wrong to be made right - Day after day Wishing all our cares away Trying to fight the things we feel But some hurts never heal Some ghosts are never gone But we go on We still go on And you find some way to survive And you find out you don't have to be happy at all To be happy you're alive -Do you know where she went?

Have you heard from her?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I heard from her.

She's staying with my grandparents.

-Do they actually exist?

[ Chuckles ] -Yes.

-So, that's good, right?

-Well, going home has never been a solution to any of my problems.

-Well, that's what you got me for.

-Seriously?

You're like number three on my list of issues.

-You keep a list?

-Don't worry, Henry.

You're my favorite problem.

-That's all I ask.

- Day after day Give me clouds and rain and gray Give me pain if that's what's real - It's the price we pay to feel The price of love is loss But still we pay - We love anyway -Look, I know you can't tell me if you're treating her.

Uh, I just wonder if she's okay.

-I think she's working on it, and she's aware of the risks.

-Do you think she'll come home?

-It's hard to say.

-Right.

-Dan... Would you like me to recommend someone for you to talk to?

-No.

Yes.

Yes, I would, thank you.

- And when the night has finally gone And when we see the new day dawn We'll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind The wasted world we thought we knew The light will make it look brand-new So, let it Let it So, let it Let it - Let it shine Shine Shine Day after day We'll find the will to find our way Knowing that the darkest skies Will someday see the sun - When our long night is done There will be light There will be light When we open up our lives Sons and daughters, husbands, wives And fight that fight There will be light There will be light There will be light There will be light [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] -To find out more about this and other "Great Performances" programs, visit pbs.org/greatperformances and follow us on Facebook, X, and Instagram.

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