Funny Woman

You lied to me, my whole life.

Don't blame him.

I'll blame who I like!

You're as bad as each other!

We did what we thought was best.

Oh, the best being to cover it up, in the hope that I'd never find out?

We didn't know you were gonna be famous.

Well, speak for yourself.

I mean, we didn't know the papers were gonna come digging.

And that's the reason why you're telling me now, because--because you've been found out?

That's heroic.

Well, what could I do?

You stood there while people said, "Oh, George, "she's got your eyes, she's got your smile, she's got your sense of humor."

I wanted it to be true.

I wanted to believe in unicorns!

[Sniffles] Mm, I'm struggling to understand why you didn't tell me.

I thought that... if you knew...

I wasn't your...dad, that I would lose you.

Well, you've lost me anyway.

You can see yourselves out.

Dusty Springfield: There's nothing Left to feel You don't have to say you love me Just be close at hand You don't have to stay forever I will understand Believe me Believe me You don't have to say you love me Just be close at hand Right, Pancake Day.

Let's, uh, get it on its feet.

Uh, OK, I'm on my feet.

Should we wait for Sophie?

She'll be along.

Greta: Uh, excuse me, sir.

Um, please, can I ask you a bit of a stupid question?

Uh, please call me Dennis, uh, and there are no stupid questions.

Um, how do you get to make the furniture and people all small, so you can squeeze us into the television?

Bill: Heh!

Oh, I love Greta.

[Chuckles] Tony: She gets him every time.

Ah, yes.

Sorry.

Couldn't resist.

Sophie: Actually, I still don't know how it works.

Greta: Soph.

Tony: Morning, Soph.

Bill: Morning.

Dennis: Um, we need a pancake.

Bill, please, may we borrow your hat?

Bill: I'm not putting my titfer in that manky pan.

Dennis: We've got to use something.

Oh, hang on.

Ah!

Voil.

Bill: Oh.

Tony: Although, I think now-- Why have you got your knickers in your bag?

You never know when you'll need a clean pair.

Do you, Soph?

Tony: Oh, you are joking!

Greta: See?

My mom always said, "Always carry a spare pair.

Always."

Did your mom say that?

My auntie.

Heh!

You could be caught in an earthquake.

Heh!

You could be struck by lightning.

Bill: Yeah, well, and just your pants fall off?

Greta: Well, stranger things have happened.

Tony: Have they, though?

[Laughter and chatter] Uh, Sophie, could you, uh, help me look at the next scene?

Bill: This brewed about an hour ago.

It's strong as anything.

Look at that.

[Distant chatter] [Sighs] I could be anybody.

If he's not me dad, am I even funny?

[Crying] I don't know who I am.

Sorry.

Sorry.

[Gasps] [Sobbing] We don't have to do this today if you don't want to.

[Inhales deeply, sighs] No, come on, Dennis.

We've got work to do.

Right, come on, lads.

Let's crack on.

It's Pancake Day!

Tony: So, here she is with her pan in one hand and the iron in the other, and Barbara calls out...

Uh, don't forget to toss it!

Right, but she tosses the iron... Bill: Wow.

and she smashes Barbara's favorite lamp.

Barbara enters with a towel on her head and she says... Is everything all right?

Smashing.

[All chuckle] Tony: Good enough for you?

Ted: Not bad.

[Door latches] Sophie: Ahem.

We weren't, um, expecting you until this afternoon.

Ted's our comedy boss.

Greta: Oh, I see.

Great casting.

"I'm very stern.

I'm the boss of TV."

[Whispers] In real life.

The Head of Light Entertainment.

Dennis: Yes, this is, uh, Greta Walker.

Nice to meet you, Greta.

Nice to meet you, also, Your Lordship.

Hmm.

Well, do carry on.

Sophie: Hmm.

Tony: Come on, then, give me your thoughts.

I'm--I'm confused.

Which of them is meant to be the straight one?

There isn't a straight one.

I am not entirely sure the public are going to wear that.

Two funny women?

Miss Sykes: Nothing has changed!

I now issue a call to arms.

Women: Yes!

Yes!

Uh, just to clarify, arms in the air to vote, that is.

Not shooters, Susan.

[Laughter] If you agree to strike action, raise them high!

Women: Yes!

Man: Ahem!

Miss Sykes: Oh, hello.

What's this?

Ahem.

It's a termination of employment notice.

Women: What?

What?

Miss Sykes: I've been let go.

Gosh.

I wasn't expecting that.

Um... Oh, dear.

Heh heh!

Oh, no, that's-- [Sobs] [Women chattering] Um... Miss Sykes.

Yeah, so, um, if management think that they can silence us by silencing our union rep, then they can have another think.

On top of that think.

We will continue to fight in the name of our fearless leader, Miss, uh, what is your first name?

Minky.

Minky?

Blimey.

Right.

Uh, in the name of our fearless leader, Miss Minky Sykes.

[Cheering and applause] Yeah.

Women all over are speaking out, so let's join together with them and march to Trafalgar Square.

Yes!

Come on!

[Women cheering] There you are.

Ta.

All right.

[Sighs] [Distant music playing faintly] Oh, hello.

What are you doing here?

Actually, I was hoping to buy you a little snifter.

Give you a chance to tell your side of things.

My side of things about what?

Well, you know... about your background.

I'm Barbara Parker from Blackpool.

Everyone knows I changed my name.

Yes, but they don't know your real real name, do they...yet?

It's you.

Me and your mom had a lovely little chat.

You've absolutely no right to talk to my family.

Must have been hard, carrying that shame all these years.

So, yeah... shall we have a little drinkie?

I'm gasping.

Most of the pubs on Fleet Street won't serve women.

Won't serve women, or won't serve you?

Why are you coming after me?

Well, the public have a right to know the truth about a big TV star like you.

You're meant to be the girl next door.

That's a lie.

Oh, suit yourself.

You've got my number.

Give me a call.

I'd much rather hear the words from your mouth, than have to, uh, fill in the blanks myself.

Hello, you.

June: Hiya.

How was playtime with your funny friends?

Tony: It's different, now Bill's back.

Yeah?

Good different?

Uh, sort of.

Working with Soph, I've--I've realized I can actually write jokes without Bill.

You actually all right?

Tone?

Huh?

Every time you ask me that, I think you're asking if you're all right.

Are you all right?

[Gulps] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, uh...

I--I'm not, really.

I've just been thinking about the future again, and I'm--I'm feeling...

Sweaty?

Anxious?

Convinced you're having a heart attack?

What if this whole baby thing-- Wait... we're having a baby?

That's a good call-back.

No, what if it's... something that I just...can't do?

Look, one day soon, right--heh!--- a baby's gonna come out of my vagina, and we're gonna do our very best, whatever that best may be.

And if it doesn't work-- [sighs]-- we'll try another best.

You are a diamond.

Well, I'm not gonna argue with that.

Pandora: Darlings, how wonderful.

What an unexpected pleasure.

Hi, Pea.

Busy day at court?

Pandora: Uh, well, I spent the morning defending a little gangland shooting.

Marj: Why have you still got your robes on?

Pandora: Oh--heh!--well, I spent the afternoon having spine-tingling sex with Charlie.

He loves it when I wear my robes.

At least someone's having fun.

Oh.

Hello, again.

Hiya, Charlie.

Hello.

How you doing?

[Pandora chuckles] Oh.

Crikey.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Listen, I know we shouldn't objectify the male form, but, yum, am I right?

Marj: Oh, it's cheered me up a bit, actually.

Pandora: Now, look, God knows I love an impromptu party, but you lot look about as festive as a bunch of bad professional mourners at an East End wake.

What gives?

[All talk at once] Order!

Order!

Order!

[Sets down pipe] Sit down.

One pathetic bleat at a time, please.

Sophie?

Um, your friend, that bloody Lynda Jay, she's got a story on me parents, and she says if I don't do an exclusive interview with her, then she's going to make it up, and if it comes out, then I'm ruined.

Pandora: That hack Lynda Jay is no friend of mine.

Well, I can have this Lynda lady taken out if you like, Soph.

Oh, that is very sweet, Charlie, but I can't condone violence.

Hmm.

Although a judicious kneecapping can send quite a strong message.

[Gasps] No!

No?

No.

Sophie: No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Crikey.

Pandora: So, I suggest we scoop her.

Like an ice cream?

Do the story before Lynda Jay does.

If only we knew a top-notch journalist.

Uh...me?

Marj: Yes!

Why are we just sitting around waiting for lairy Lynda to drop a bomb on Sophie's life, when Diane could do an exclusive?

But what would we be saying?

We wouldn't be saying anything.

You would.

Yeah.

Diane could write it down all brainy, and then-- Exactly.

Ha ha!

But, but what if the story comes out and I still get the sack?

Pandora: Well, that would be the risk either way, but at least this way.

you'd be telling your truth, your whole truth, and nothing but your truth.

Let's do it.

Yes.

Oh, good.

My words, my way.

Oh, goodie.

[All chuckle] Diane: So, Sophie, do you want to find your real father, find out who you are?

Maybe one day I'll go looking... but--[sighs]-- oh, I don't know.

Maybe... [Sighs] Maybe my story is about the family I had, and not the family I didn't have.

There's only one place to start.

[Dialing phone numbers] [Sighs] George: It was the war.

Gloria and I were courting.

My regiment... went off to fight.

The Americans flew in, GIs looking like movie stars.

You know, overpaid, oversexed, and over here, and he...swept your mother off her feet.

I came back home to marry my sweetheart.

But she was pregnant?

Oh.

Soldier boy ditched her.

He had a wife back home.

It's--the public shaming would've ruined her.

[Inhales deeply, sighs] Heh!

Well, love's funny, though, isn't it?

Starts out like a fairy-tale, and once upon a time, I loved her.

[Sobs] But, you know... she was always searching for something.

She left me anyway.

Diane: Sophie, when people read this, they might judge you.

They might be shocked, disgusted, even.

[Sighs] So, why speak out?

[Sighs] I'm speaking out because-- Marj: Because there is a revolution going on.

Because we have to speak out!

Hello.

Hello.

This is Marjorie Harrison from Shoes, and--and-- and if Sophie would-- would effing well come on this equal pay march with us, then people would have to sit up and listen.

Marjorie, stop disrupting.

[Turns off recorder] No, Marj is right.

There is a revolution going on.

And I won't live my life like my mother did, hiding in the shadows, in fear of being found out.

This story is mine, and no one is going to tell it but me.

[Turns on recorder] ["Headline News" playing] Edwin Starr: Extra!

Extra!

Background singers: Read all about it Extra!

Extra!

Read all about it I wanna spread news All around Read all about it I found a love that I've been looking for Now I don't have to look no more And it's headline news Don't you hear me say it?

Extra!

Extra!

Read all about it You better read about it Extra!

Extra!

Read all about it Extra!

Extra!

Read all about it Extra!

Extra!

Read all about it Careful, that one-armed bandit, it's a--it's a money pit.

Starr: Headline news George, get in here.

Extra!

Extra!

This article opens the door to Hollywood.

Your dad was a GI?

That's instant dual citizenship and a green card.

But I don't think I'm ready to come to Hollywood just yet.

Don't tell me you still want to do your little TV comedy show?

Well, if Ted Sargent hasn't blown a fuse at the news and cancelled it.

Eunice: Have you seen this?

Starr: She brings out the best in me Lights me up like a Christmas tree And it's headline news Oh, dear God.

Is she actively trying to break me?

And it's headline news Ah, don't you hear me saying Eunice: No.

Extra!

Extra!

I think she's wonderful.

[Dance music playing] [Chuckles] Heh heh!

Bill: Hey.

We're gonna need more fruit.

This iron's pretty heavy--ooh!

Oh!

That got me right there.

Your tummy?

In me baby maker.

Funny sound effect there.

Oh, yeah.

Tony: Go on.

A bit of jazz.

Bill: Oh, yeah, the, uh, double bass tights.

Greta: Ooh, lost a string.

Oh!

[Tony chuckling] [Turns off music] Right.

Now all we need to do is finish the bloody thing.

All right, Dennis.

Yeah.

It's good.

Oh, God!

I'm so sorry.

I've got to go.

What?

Where?

Oh, never ask a woman that.

She might tell you.

Dennis: Here, let me.

Thank you.

Oh, um, I read the article.

I'm proud of you.

[Whispers] Thank you.

[Hasty footsteps, door closes] Excuse me.

Oh, hello.

Heh!

Hello.

I read the papers.

I thought you were awfully brave to... Oh, well, well, thank you.

tell your story your way and not let the tabloids dictate the narrative.

I daresay I've made certain assumptions.

Look, I'm sorry it's all been so bloody.

I met Dennis when I was at university.

He was the second man I ever kissed, first I ever loved, just...kids, really.

I understand.

He's still your husband.

I want you to know...

I'm not making things difficult for the sake of it.

What is it that you want?

I...

I just want him to be happy.

[Elevator bell dings, door slides open] [Phone rings] Hello.

Battersea Dogs Home.

[Howls and barks] Bill: Yes, yes, yes, no.

Don't worry, I'll tell him.

[Barks] Tone?

[Barks] Yeah, that was the hospital.

Oh!

Heh!

Uh, apparently, June's broken some water?

Oh!

Dennis: Right, chaps.

Let's go.

Bill: Yes.

Come on, Tone.

Come on, Tony.

Uh...

Tone.

Uh... Come on.

Now.

Dennis: Come on.

Ah... Oh, wait, wait, I need my, um, my typing.

Oh, God.

Come on, guys.

I forgot my camera.

Bye, Greta.

Uh... [Door closes] Go on.

Here we go!

Bill: Out of the way!

Dennis: Watch out!

Bobby Fuller: I fought the law and the law won... Bill: We're having a baby!

Women: Oh!

Oh!

Coming through!

I'm coming through!

Sugar, Tone!

Sugar, Tone!

Dennis: Taxi!

Fuller: I fought the law... Oh, my God!

Dennis!

Dennis!

Bill: No, that way, wrong way!

Dennis: St. Joseph's, Maternity Wing.

[Sophie gasps] What, you delivering a baby?

And a television show.

Tony: Oh, can't get out!

Bill: Come on, Tone.

Yes, yes!

Ha ha!

All right, here we go.

Sophie: Oh, Tony!

Bill: We're having a baby!

Oh!

All right.

"Interior, day."

Go on.

Bill: Barbara is in the kitchen.

Tony: Watch who it is having a baby!

What are you talking about?

Barbara's not even pregnant!

No, I'm talking about June!

Shush!

Shush, calm.

Deep breaths now.

Minky and Marj: What do we want?

Equal pay.

When do we want it?

Yesterday.

Yesterday?

What do we want?

All: Equal pay.

When do we want it?

All: Now!

Marj: No, yesterday.

We want it yesterday.

What do we want?

Equal pay!

When do we want it?

All: Yesterday!

Equal pay or we walk away!

Newsreader: We advise avoiding Trafalgar Square, where a large number of women are congregating to demonstrate.

Fuller: I fought the law and the law won Tony: By the time we get to hospital, the baby will be in primary school!

Fuller: ...law won Equal pay or we walk away!

Equal pay or we walk away!

Sophie: Oh, oh!

Oh, stop here, please!

What do we want?

Equal pay!

When do we want it?

Yesterday!

What do we want?

Sophie: Tony, good luck.

Tony: Oh, thanks!

Give that baby a big kiss from Auntie Sophie!

Women: Equal pay or we walk away!

Bill: Get in then, Dennis!

Oh, go, go.

Tony: Come on, mate!

Go on!

Equal pay!

When do we want it?

Yesterday!

What do we want?

Equal pay!

When do we want it?

Yesterday!

Marj: Equal pay or we walk away!

Equal pay or we walk away!

Equal pay or we walk away!

What do we want?

Equal pay!

I didn't think you would make it.

Well, I had nowhere better to be.

Come on then, you ready?

Yeah.

What do we want?

All: Equal pay!

When do we want it?

Yesterday!

Yesterday!

Yesterday, good.

Marj: Equal pay or we walk away!

Women: Equal pay or we walk away!

Woman: Equal pay!

Equal rights!

Equal rights!

Fuller: I needed money 'cause I had none I fought the law And the law won [Whistles blow] Equal pay or get out of our way!

Ha ha!

Marj: Right, everyone.

Attention, please.

Showing her support to the cause, the one and only, from off the bloody telly, Sophie Straw!

[Cheering and applause] Man: Get some of Sophie Straw.

Woman: Equal pay!

Right here, Sophie!

Marj: Right, now, this march is about us standing together.

Yes, so raise your banners high, and remember, this is a peaceful protest.

Yeah, we don't use our placards to clout anyone, all right?

I mean, unless they disagree with us.

This geezer.

Let me take that.

Marj: No.

It was a joke.

Oh, no, get-- Officer, it was a joke!

Roger: Hey, hey, mate, mate, come on.

All right.

This is a peaceful protest, all right?

All right?

[Crowd chattering] Woman: We know our rights!

Yeah, that's right.

Let's do it.

Uh, right.

So, uh... What do we want?

All: Equal pay!

When do we want it?

Yesterday!

Minky, singing: We shall overc-- [Coughs] Oh, you all right?

I think I've swallowed a fly.

Oh.

[Coughing] [Sings] We shall overcome Come on, everyone.

Sing with me.

All: We shall overcome We shall overcome Someday Deep in my heart I do believe Yes, I've made stew.

Stew for who?

Stew for you?

Stew for me.

So, this is the famous rehearsal room?

Your alternate universe.

Edith.

Are you all right?

Has something happened?

Actually, it has, rather.

I've been offered a job.

With the CBC, as an arts correspondent.

It's a wonderful opportunity.

The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation?

Yep.

Isn't it a hoot?

Would you like some tea?

Yes, please.

[Pouring tea] So you're emigrating to Canada... with Vernon?

Canada, yes.

Vernon, no.

It's rather as if I've woken from some sort of...hallucination.

I'm so sorry, Dennis.

For which bit?

Sort of...all of it.

I've rather made a mess of things.

For Vernon Whitfield.

Well, I recall you telling me that... Vernon was an intellectual leviathan that made you feel like Aphrodite.

Vernon is an absolute horse's cock.

I suppose I was flattered that he wanted to hear my opinions.

In fact, he just wanted to hear his opinions repeated back to him by me.

[Knock on door] Can I, uh...

So...go on, then.

I'm assuming you've come all the way down here to read me the Riot Act for what I said, which was the truth, and was gonna come out anyways.

No, no, I came here to thank you.

You see, I've been living under a cloud of shame since I left you and your fa--well, you know, George, and...

I probably brought it on myself, but... people can be very unkind.

But y-your words... they released me.

Sorry.

I-- I've got to get ready.

I just wanted to say that...

I just wanted to say I admire you.

That's all.

Heh!

You've done so much.

Yeah, maybe too much.

[Gulps] Does perfume go off?

Oh... You all right?

Oh.

[Sniffs] [Sets down bottle] What?

Nothing.

I, uh... Oh, love.

I'm not gonna ask you who he is, but... does he know?

Nobody knows.

I thought it couldn't be true.

He's married...and... and the divorce is going to take three years and I...

I've ruined everything... including my career.

They'll sack me if they find out.

Edith: I thought it would be rather good to be as far away as possible from my impossibly pious parents.

I can start again where no one knows me, say goodbye to Mrs. Mahindra, and hello to plain old Edith Claybourne-Featherstone, single girl.

What do you think?

Edith... are you allowing me to divorce you?

You didn't start this war, and that funny girl really loves you.

Gloria: Listen, I know this is none of my business, but... times are very different now.

And if this isn't right for you, you do not have to go through with it.

I'll stand by you.

I will help you if... if you'll let me.

You love him, don't you?

[Sighs] Maybe you should tell him.

It's a tough road, and while I...

I wish I'd done things differently, I don't regret it.

How could I regret having you?

[Sobs] [Crowd chattering] [Music playing] [Sighs] [Sighs] [Knock on door] Dennis?

Oh, hiya.

Hey, Sophie.

Is it all right if we, um, do a line run?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'course, 'course.

Ahem.

Um, so I say, "Hiya, um, I've--I've come "about the rented spare room.

I'd like to take a look, please."

Uh, and then I say, "How do you know about the spare room?

"'Cause it hasn't been gandasiti-- "hasn't been magasized-- it hasn't-- It hasn't been advertised yet!"

Oh, my God, shit.

Sorry, Soph.

I mean, I sound like--I feel like I'm eating cake.

Do I sound like I'm eating cake, or glue?

[Knock on door] Dennis?

Hey.

Greta.

Greta: Yeah, just doing some lines.

Dennis: Um...

I was just hoping for a--a quiet word with... Oh, OK, yes.

Me--me, too.

Um, Den-- Sophie, I-- Barbara?

Oh, ho ho!

Barbara!

Sophie.

Sorry.

Barbara.

Barbara, Barbara, Barbara.

So sorry if I'm-- if I'm intruding.

I just wanted to say I read that article by your friend Diane.

Oh, Barbara, thank you for saying such lovely things.

I did my best.

You know, when you left, I felt like a bit of me went missing.

Kidney or a liver or something.

I don't know.

A gallstone, a spleen?

What is a spleen?

I don't know what I'm saying.

I've been like a watering can ever since I read it!

Sophie: Oh, come here, you big dafty.

Oh!

[Sniffles] Sophie: Right.

OK. Now, and my only-- my only quibble with Diane's article was her description of my hat.

Right.

Now, the one I wore when she met me was my second-best hat, but tonight-- well, tonight, you look like the Queen.

Oh, Barbara, do I?

Yeah.

Oh.

Dennis.

Yes?

Ha ha!

Sophie: I wanted to s-- Man: Flowers for Miss Straw... Marie: Oh!

from a Mr. Marc Allen in Los Angeles.

Oh, ho!

Marie: Barbara!

They're beautiful!

I'll put them in the sink.

Bill: Soph!

Sophie!

Tony: Oh, hello.

Soph!

Sophie: Tony!

And?

I've got a little goddaughter!

[Squeals] Is there a name?

Yeah, we're gonna call her Bill.

Ah!

Tony: No, we're not.

Dennis: Congratulations.

Sophie: Congratulations, Tone!

Dennis.

Congratulations, Tony.

Bill: Thank you.

Yes, Yes, I'm the godfather.

I'm her Auntie Marie.

Dennis, um, I--I have something I need to tell you.

I have to-- Greta: I need to practice!

I need to practice!

It's just me here.

Crew member: Ladies and gentlemen.

All: It's showtime!

Greta: Oh, God.

It's showtime.

["Funnel of Love" playing] Wanda Jackson: Here I go Falling down, down, down My mind is a blank My head is spinning around and around As I go deep into the funnel of love Background singers: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh It's such a crazy, crazy... Sophie: Welcome to "Flat Birds!"

Thank you for coming.

Thank you.

[Person wolf-whistles] Oh, I see the vicar's in.

[Laughter] Anyway, uh, this is a situation comedy.

It's a little bit about my life.

I tipped up here without a bob in me pocket or a plan in me head.

I just wanted to muck about and make people laugh.

And I was encouraged to do that by one man in particular, who made me laugh every day.

Having you in me corner... [Voice cracks] it's all the dad I ever needed.

[Sniffling] Woman in audience: Aw.

[Sophie sobs] Oh, enough said of that, or I'll smudge me mascara!

Ha ha!

[Audience laughter] Um, right, let's do this, shall we?

Enjoy, everyone!

[Cheering and applause] All right, let's take it from the top, please.

Man: Rolling to record.

And good luck, studio.

Others: Good luck, studio.

Man: Five, four, three... Tony: Come on, Greta, you can do it.

Woman: Coming to you, camera 2. Who puts pepper in a pancake?

I do.

[Sneezes] Oh, sorry.

[Scattered laughter] Sophie: Here, give me that.

I'm good at flipping.

Greta: Oh.

Woman: Camera 2, next.

Woman: Ooh!

Both: Oh, flipping heck.

[Laughter, knock on door] Greta: It's the ruddy landlord!

I'm not meant to have lodgers!

Hide!

[Knocking continues] [Cheering and applause] Greetings, Marcia.

Here to do my customary checks for underwear-- wear and tear.

[Audience laughter] Eh?

Greta: Now?

Yes.

Like a knicker museum!

[Laughter] [Sophie sneezes] [Audience gasps and laughs] Landlord: There's someone else in the flat.

Now, you know the rules about, uh, gentleman callers.

I do hope that there's been no heavy petting.

Oh, no, Mr. Travis, no, nothing like that.

I--I--uh, it's my mother.

Mother?

[Laughter] Landlord: I would very much like to meet your mother.

Yes.

Sophie: Your mother?

What's wrong with your sister?

Greta: Oh, where do I start?

[Laughter] Aftershave on the knob, tick.

Greta: She's Spanish.

She doesn't speak a word of English, so she can't talk to you, Mr. Travis, I'm afraid.

[Laughter] Sophie: Hello, my duckie.

All right, me old China?

You're lovely.

Landlord: Enchant.

So beautiful.

Oh, heh!

Don't kiss me, Mr. Travis.

Why don't you give our Marcia a kiss?

She ain't had a kiss in years.

[Laughter, slap] Ow!

Greta: Sorry, sorry.

Bill: Did Greta just slap Rodney in the face?

Ted: Oh, my God.

She's completely out of her depth.

Greta: You-- you keep--is it-- That's the slap.

Don't do that.

Greta: OK. Can we do it-- Dennis, sorry.

Can we just do it one more time?

All right.

One more time, please.

Woman: Ready on camera 3, coming to you next.

She ain't had a kiss in years.

Heh!

Oh, Mr. Travis, you'll have to ignore my mother.

She's been on the sherry, so she's half cut.

Landlord: Half cut?

Well, maybe I could take you both dancing.

Mother can't, because of her-- well, 'cause of her leg.

Oh.

Oh, show me the leg.

Well, it's--I-- Ted: She's dried.

Tony: Oh, shit.

What's wrong with her leg?

Well, uh... Is this part of it?

Well, it's-- it's haunted!

She's got a haunted leg!

A haunted leg?

And now she's gone off script.

Tony: Oh, my God.

A rank amateur.

Whoo!

[Laughter] And Soph's pulled a haunted leg out of her bag.

Oh.

[Sustained laughter] Sophie: Whoo!

Landlord: I--I'm going!

I'll be back to do gussets-- I mean, fittings.

And to think, for a moment, I thought you had an illegal lodger.

[Laughter] Now, shame.

I never did get that pancake.

[Laughter] Heh heh!

Landlord: Oh.

Sophie: Sugar.

There you go!

[Laughter] Sophie: Delicious.

Out you get, Mr. Travis, Else that ghost will get ya.

Bye, Mr. Travis.

You were so good.

All right, let's set up for the next scene, please.

Greta: All right, yes.

Well, that came out.

Oh, you want to go.

OK, I just-- I'm gonna need a second, I'm just gonna need a second.

[Door closes] Ted: What's happening?

Where's--where's she gone?

Hmm?

Oh.

Greta, you all right?

I--I can't do this.

I'm letting you down.

I'm not an actor.

No, no, no.

You're not letting me down.

You don't have to be anyone else.

Just be you.

You're brilliant.

I'm not.

Everyone's thinking, "Why is she giving this barmaid a part?

What are you doing here?"

I don't know.

I just thought I'd be better.

You OK?

Oh, yeah.

I just think--whew!

That aftershave is--whew!

Ladies and gentlemen, if you could just give us a moment, we will resume filming shortly.

Thank you.

[Indistinct chatter] Oh.

[Sophie sighs] Do you feel sick again?

Soph?

Hmm?

Are you...?

Oh, God.

OK, that's OK. That's OK.

I won't tell anyone, I promise.

Let's go out there, we'll do the show, We'll knockers and gnashers, baby.

We'll do the show.

Yeah.

It's gonna be all fine.

Everything's gonna be fine.

We'll do it together.

We'll do it together.

Come on.

OK. [Door opens, audience cheers] [Applause] So what was that all about, hmm?

Tony: About five minutes of buttock-clenching agony.

Uh-huh.

Dennis: Uh, cue the music, please.

[Dance music playing] [Laughter] [Audience cheers] [Music ends] [Laughter and cheering] Rather good.

[Sighs] [Sighs] I think we can call that a flat-out success.

Ted.

Congratulations.

It really could not have gone any better.

Heh!

Possibly the biggest success of my career, and yours.

I think we should get stuck into the series straight away.

It's a winning formula.

I'm, uh, I'm all right.

Thanks, Ted.

[Chuckles] I thought you were teetotal.

Mm.

[Coughs] Well, special occasion.

[Coughs] Heh heh!

You know, when I took this job on, I did imagine many such champagne moments.

[Knock on door] Sadly, they've been few and far between.

Mm, mm.

Ahem.

Um...two things.

Firstly, well played for tonight.

You were... you were amazing.

Heh!

Thank you.

And secondly, Edith has agreed to the divorce.

[Inhales] [Ted hiccups] Ted.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Ah.

Uh, well, ahem.

I will leave you to it.

Hmm.

[Chuckles] Hmm.

That's great about Edith, but... Um-- Den, um... Sophie?

[Sighs] I'm having a baby.

We're having a baby.

We're having a baby?

We're having a baby.

Heh!

No, you're not.

You cannot have a baby.

Corporate regulations forbid any unmarried expectant woman to appear on televis-- Oh, no, wait a moment.

[Knock on door] Bill!

Bill: Shh.

Baby Bill is sleeping.

Aw!

[All whispering] June: Hi, Dennis.

Bill: There she is.

June: You were amazing.

Sophie: Thank you.

Tony: All right, Den.

Sophie: Thank you.

June: Shh, shh, shh.

Sophie: Hi.

[Overlapping chatter] [Loudly] Everyone-- Shh!

Some congratulations are in order.

Ahem.

Firstly...a hit show.

Yes.

Come on.

Secondly, to the very-soon-to-be-married Mr. and Mrs. Mahindra.

[All gasp] June: No, you're lying.

Marj: Are you joking?

Tony: Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Congratulations.

And also, one more thing, one more thing, one more thing.

Their unexpected, but very welcome new arrival.

What?

[Gasps] Oh!

Oh, Soph!

[All talking at once] Den is a daddy?

[Chatter and laughter] Den.

Dennis, how soon do you think you can tie the knot?

I can get Eunice to sort out a registrar, but we should probably do it soon.

No, no!

Sophie: Everyone, everyone, everyone, stop, stop, stop!

Dennis, I really love you.

But it should be our decision.

We shouldn't be Mr. and Mrs.

Anybody just to keep a corporation happy.

Ted: Well, in that case, I'm sorry to say... we will be doing the show without you.

Oh, come on, mate!

What?

They can't do that... can they?

"Flat Birds" was Sophie's idea.

Ted: And, uh, Bill and, um, the other one.

You're shitting me!

She wrote it with us, Ted.

Actual words, funny lines.

Her voice is all over it.

Yeah, she's the heart and soul.

Sophie: Ted, we're on to a winning formula.

You said it.

Imagine how great it would feel to be part of a ground-breaking female sitcom about pregnancy and--and single moms, and friends like Greta and Diane, Marj, Bill, Tony, and all of us who don't fit the mold.

A show that one day people can look back on and say, "That show changed my life."

["Sinnerman" playing] You want me to bend the rules?

Nina Simone: Oh, Sinnerman, where he gonna run to?

Sinnerman No, I want you to break them.

Where you gonna run to All on that day?

I cried power