Frank Ferrante's Groucho

>> Funding for this program was provided by Cynthia Lovelace Sears, a proud supporter of Bainbridge Performing Arts, re-opening as the Buxton Center for Bainbridge Performing Arts in 2023.

[ Mid-tempo piano music plays ] [ Indistinct conversations ] >> [ Whispering ] This is exciting.

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Up-tempo piano music plays ] [ Music ends ] [ Cheers and applause continue ] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome, welcome to "An Evening with Groucho."

My name is Frank Ferrante, and I grew up in a sleepy, quaint, quiet town in Southern California called Sierra Madre.

And as a boy, I was very shy.

I was so shy that when I was on a sidewalk and someone was walking toward me, I'd cross the street to avoid eye contact.

And then I saw the Marx Brothers in "A Day at the Races," and I was never quite the same.

That's me when I was 11.

[ Soft piano music playing ] When I was 13, my father took me to see the star of "A Day at the Races," the funniest man in the world.

Now, it had been 20 years since the duck had last dropped with the secret word on his quiz show, "You Bet Your Life."

It had been 40 years since he'd killed audiences with his brothers Harpo and Chico in such film classics as "The Cocoanuts," "Animal Crackers," "Monkey Business," "Horse Feathers," "Duck Soup," "A Night at the Opera"... "A Day at the Races."

It had been 86 years since his birth.

This was not the same man from the screen.

He wore a black beret.

He had a little white mustache, thick glasses.

He could barely move.

But I followed him to the stage like a duckling and I sat at his feet and there were a thousand of us waiting for him to be him.

And we waited.

And we waited.

He mumbled... ..."Can you hear me out there?

Can you hear me out there?"

We all leaned in for the punch line.

And we still waited.

Finally, someone yelled out, "Are you making any new Marx Brothers movies?"

He looked up slowly and said, "No.

I'm answering stupid questions."

A woman yelled out, "What do you dream about?"

He looked up at her and said... "Not you."

And there he was, the one... [ Quick piano chords play ] ...the only... ...Groucho!

[ Cheers and applause ] Hello I must be going I cannot stay I came to say I must be going I'm glad I came But just the same, I must be going La la So long, Cincinnati Taxi!

Taxi!

I'll stay a week or two I'll stay the summer through But I am telling you I must be going [ "Hooray For Captain Spaulding" plays ] Hooray for Captain Spaulding The African explorer Did someone call me schnorrer Hooray, hooray, hooray I went into the jungle Where all the monkeys throw nuts If I stay here, I'll go nuts Hooray, hooray, hooray I put all my reliance in courage and defiance Risked my life for science Hey, hey!

Ha, ha!

I am the only person who's covered every acre I think I'll try and make her Hooray, hooray, hooray Hey, toots.

Good to see you again.

Mwah.

[ Music ends ] [ Applause ] My friends, my friends, I'm here today to tell you about that wonderful, glorious, mysterious continent known as Africa.

Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 2nd.

After 15 days on the water and 6 on the boat, we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.

From the day of our arrival, we led an active life.

The first morning saw us up at 6: 00, breakfasted, and back in bed at 7:00.

This was our routine for the first three months.

We finally got so we were back in bed by 6: 30.

One day I was standing outside my cabin when I bagged six tigers.

I bagged them.

I "bagged" them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon.

They were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen.

One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas.

How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.

Have you heard that one?

Then we tried to remove the tusks.

Tusks.

Tusks.

That's not so easy to say.

Well, you try that sometime.

Hello, my name is Spaulding, Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding.

How are you, toots?

What's your name?

>> Bonnie.

>> Bonnie.

How are you, Bonnie?

And where are you from?

>> I'm from here.

>> From here?

You were born in this theater?

What kind of life was that for you anyway?

>> I'm from West Virginia.

>> West Virginia.

Well, welcome.

What town in West Virginia?

>> Waverly.

>> Waverly.

This is a very big night for you, eh, Bonnie?

Congratulations.

>> Absolutely.

>> This is what we like to refer to as electricity, by the way, Bonnie.

And are you here alone tonight, Bonnie?

>> I'm with him.

>> With him?

That's like being alone, isn't it, at this point?

How are you, sir?

Nice to see you.

What's your name?

>> Terry.

>> Terry and Bonnie.

And how long have you two been coupling?

Sounds filthy when I say it, doesn't it, ladies and gentlemen?

How long have you been a couple here?

>> 49 years.

>> 49 years?

You may be newlyweds in this audience over here.

Can anyone beat 49 years in this audience?

Does anybody want to beat 49 years?

Do I hear 50?

Do I hear 50?

Anyone?

50?

51?

52?

55?

Sold to 49 in the front row.

Terry and Bonnie, I -- I don't know if I should congratulate you or console you at this point, but what is the secret to the longevity of this marriage, Bonnie and Terry?

Bonnie, what is it about Terry that keeps you compelled after 49 years?

What still intrigues you about this chap?

>> Ohh, interesting question.

>> Well, that's why I asked it.

>> He's very reliable.

>> Well...

So is an old dog, Bonnie, but, uh... That's really it?

His reliability?

>> Yes, he's always there.

>> That's very romantic, by the way.

He's always there, like a stone.

There we go.

And what is it about Bonnie that keeps you intrigued at 49 years, Terry?

>> Habit.

>> Habit?

I had no idea she was a nun.

Well, why don't you make yourself useful, Terry, and give Bonnie a little peck on the lips there?

Go ahead.

Make yourself u-- There, that's why it's still working!

[ Applause ] I give it about a week, by the way, ladies and gentlemen.

You thought you were safe?

Nobody's safe in this show, ladies and gentlemen.

How are you, folks?

Nice to have you all here.

Good to see you.

Looks like a -- Looks like a jury of my peers over here, by the way.

We have a young couple here.

What's your name, young man?

>> Max.

>> Max.

Max.

How old are you, Max?

>> 16.

>> 16?

You brought the median age of the room down to about 90.

You know that?

Thank you, Max.

Nice to have you here, Max.

Hello, there.

It's nice.

This a family affair here?

Do you all know each other?

>> Just my dad.

>> Hello, Pops.

Nice to see you.

Welcome.

Nice to have you.

What's your name, sir?

>> Pete.

>> Hello, Pete.

Good to have you.

And this is son of Pete?

>> Yeah.

>> A chip off the old Pete.

And who are you?

>> I'm alone.

>> You're alone?

Oh, now we're talking.

I have something to live for.

>> That's my son.

>> That's your son?

But you said you were alone.

>> My daughter-in-law.

>> Your daughter-in-law.

This is your son and your daughter-in-law?

This is what keeps that relationship alive, by the way.

They haven't seen each other for years, these two.

You couldn't get a -- I want to help you out over here.

Maybe you can sneak over here later.

Maybe you will.

You would like a little more space over here anyway probably.

And you two are a couple over here?

How is that going?

How long have you two been married?

>> 48.

>> 48.

You just missed it by one.

There you go.

Bonnie, my name is Spaulding, Captain Jeffrey Spaulding.

I missed you.

I bet you can't guess what the "T" stands for in Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding.

Just take a guess.

It's a "T" name.

>> Thomas.

>> Thomas!

No.

It's Edgar.

But you were close.

As I said, we tried to remove the tusks from the elephants, but they were so firmly embedded that we couldn't budge them.

And of course, in Alabama, the "Tuscaloosa."

But that's entirely "irrelephant" to what I was talking about.

Play, Sternbach!

Hooray for Captain Spaulding The African explorer Did someone call me schnorrer?

Hooray, hooray, hooray Hooray for Captain Spaulding The African explorer Did someone call me schnorrer?

Hooray, hooray, hooray Hooray for Captain Spaulding [ Quickly sings gibberish ] Got him that time.

[ Whimsical piano chords play ] [ Cheers and applause ] Are you the captain of this ship?

Well, I'd like to register a complaint.

Do you know who snuck into my state room at 3: 00 this morning?

No one.

And that's my complaint.

And you call this a pleasure cruise.

Well, welcome to "An Evening with Groucho."

This is indeed a real treat.

[ Applause ] Bonnie, yours.

Well, we might as well get started at the beginning -- my mother.

My mother, Minnie, was a relentless stage mother and she made us.

She made the Marx Brothers, and my mother treated all of us boys equally, with contempt.

And her brother is Al Shean of the great comedy vaudeville team of Gallagher and Shean.

Oh, Mr. Gallagher Oh, Mr. Gallagher I heard one day you saved a lady's life In a rowboat out to sea What a hero you must be And I'd like to know if you've made the girl your wife Oh, Mr. Shean Oh, Mr. Shean She was going down just like a submarine I dragged her up upon the shore Now she's mine forevermore Who, the lady, Mr. Gallagher?

No, the rowboat, Mr. Shean [ Song ends ] That was my uncle Al Shean.

It was a very, very popular act at the time, and my mother figured that if a schnook like her brother could make it in show business, then so could a schnook like her son.

So when I was 14 years old, my mother gave me an ad from the New York Morning World which said, "Boy singer wanted for touring vaudeville act, room and board $4 a week."

So I put on my best suit, which was also my worst suit.

I ran all the way from where I lived on 93rd Street to 33rd Street.

I ran up five flights of stairs, and I knocked at the door.

And a man came to the door wearing a woman's outfit.

Well, not entirely.

Just lipstick.

And it was at this point that I realized that this is the profession that I wanted to enter.

I had an uncle named Julius.

He stood well over four feet.

And I was na-- I'll wait for you, ladies and gentlemen.

I got nothing better to do here in Cincinnati.

Am I keeping you awake, Terry?

I feel like I am.

You're watching the whole show like this, as if you're completely exhausted by the entire endeavor over here.

Bonnie, do me a favor and just nudge Terry every once in a while.

Would you do that for me?

I need your help over here.

I don't know how reliable you are, quite frankly.

I don't care what she says.

We need someone to help me.

Will you help me out for one moment, dear?

You're close enough.

How are you?

See?

They like you.

Will you help me?

>> Sure.

>> Thank you, dear.

What's your name?

>> Joanne.

>> Joanne.

You're worthy of two names.

Nice to have you here, Joanne.

And you have beautiful eyes, Joanne.

>> Thank you.

>> You're welcome.

Well, one of them, anyway.

And, Joanne, will you do me -- This is Terry.

I've got to look at him for the next hour or so over there, and it's not a pleasant proposition.

Now, will you do me a favor?

You smell wonderful.

What is that you're wearing?

>> Um...I forget.

>> You forget.

What is that?

>> Yeah.

Um...Japanese.

>> What's -- >> Cherry blossom.

>> Cherry blossom?

Well, good.

I like it.

Cherry blossom.

What is that?

A perfume?

>> Um...uh, yes.

>> You don't know what you're talking about, do you?

You're making this all up, aren't you, Joanne?

Well, Joanne, I'll tell you what.

They're serving coffee right outside in the lobby.

Will you do me a favor?

I want you to go in the lobby, get me a cup of coffee, and I'm going to give it to sleepy Terry in the front row over here.

Alright.

Thank you.

Joanne, ladies and gentlemen!

Run like the wind, Joanne.

Right over here.

There you go.

Thank you.

Yes.

Thank you, Joanne.

You're never going to see her again, by the way.

You don't have to thank me for that.

Anyone else need something while Joanne is up, anyone at all?

Anyone need a bourbon?

Anyone?

I know I do.

Good -- the hands are going up back there.

And I was named after my uncle Julius because of my mother.

My mother was under some peculiar impression that he had money.

So two weeks after I was born, he moved into our house, paper suitcase and all.

Now, my father.

My -- My -- [ Laughter ] Go ahead.

Have an asthma attack.

See if I care, ladies and gentlemen.

The one lousy couch they can find in Cincinnati is in the show, ladies and gentlemen.

We left Los Angeles to get away from this, ladies and gentlemen.

This is turning into "An Evening with Coucho" at this point.

And I was named after my Uncle J-- Joanne is back, ladies and gentlemen!

Joanne!

Thank you, love.

Thank you for helping me out.

Have a seat.

Here you go.

Terry, I've got your drink over here.

Please just stay awake.

I need you, Terry.

Feign excitement, please.

Please drink this.

Guzzled it if you have to, Terry.

Take a sip and pass it back.

That'll be $2, by the way.

I'm not starting until you drink that.

There you go.

There you go.

People are easily amused over here.

And just go ahead.

Pass it back.

Don't worry.

You won't get any germs.

No one's been near this guy in years.

Don't worry about it.

And Uncle Julius moved into our house, paper suitcase and all -- [ Chuckles ] My father -- My father was very angry at this interloper, and he wanted to kick him out of the house.

But my mother kept saying to him, "No, Sam, you can't do that.

You mustn't do that.

I've read stories about relatives who moved into somebody's house, and when they died, they left enormous amounts of money."

So they named me Julius.

Well, she convinced my father to let him stay and he stayed there.

He never did anything.

He was just in the house sitting there.

He ate with us.

Everything was fine.

And one day he died.

And he left a will.

Now, this will consisted of a 9-ball and three razor blades, on top of which he owed my father $85.

Hello, my name is Spaulding, Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding.

Here you go, toots.

Take a card, any card.

You can keep it.

I got 51 left.

Why don't we all get together after the show?

I think the nine of us would make a great couple.

What do you say?

Just think about it.

How many of you are Marx Brother fans, and how many of you were dragged here against your will like I was this evening?

Just a -- Just a general show of hands.

I served under General Show of Hands.

I almost served 10 to 20 years, if not for my mother.

She put me on -- She put me on the road when I was 14 years old.

I was working at that age.

My brother Chico was back home shooting craps and picking up accents so he wouldn't get pummeled by the local Italian gang.

And my brother Harpo -- well, he was stealing dogs.

My mother figured we stood a better chance on the stage than on the streets.

So she helped us form an act, and we were on the road together -- imagine this -- for 25 years.

But we weren't always Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo, and Gummo.

Our stage names were given to us by a comic on the bill with us named Art Fisher, and he had a habit of giving people nicknames that stuck.

And one time we were all backstage playing poker, and Fisher started kidding around about a comic strip character at the time called Sherlocko the Monk.

And all of a sudden, Leonard became Chico because he always chased the chicks.

He did very well with that, I might add.

Adolph became Harpo for obvious reasons.

Milton wore gum-soled shoes rain or shine, so he called him Gummo.

Zeppelins were a big thing in those days, and that's when Herbert became Zeppo.

And my name, of course...

I never did understand.

[ "I'm Against It" plays ] I don't know what they have to say It makes no difference anyway Whatever it is, I'm against it No matter what it is or who commenced it I'm against it Your proposition may be good But let's get one thing understood Whatever it is, I'm against it And even if you've changed it or condensed it I'm against it I'm opposed to it On general principles, I'm opposed to it I'm opposed to it The fact is that, that I'm opposed to it [ Song ends ] [ Applause ] [ "I Always Get My Man" plays ] My word is right I'm quick to fight I'm from a fighting clan If I'm abused or badly used, I always get my man No matter if he's in Peru, Paducah, or Japan I go ahead, alive or dead I always get my man I soon disposed of all of those who put me on the pan Like Shakespeare said to Nathan Hale "I always get my man" I always get my Now, are you listening?

I always get my You're telling me?

I always get my man I get my man I get my man I always get I always get I always get, I always get I always get, I always get I always get my-y-y-y [ High-pitched ] Ma-a-a-n [ Song ends ] [ Cheers and applause ] Years ago, I had my voice insured for $150,000, and what I did with the money is none of your business.

Now, my brother Chico.

Chico -- he's the gambler of the family.

Horses, cards, dice.

You name it.

And when Chico was young, he used to work in a paper factory, but he never brought home any salary because he'd lose it immediately in the pool room.

Well, this went on for a few weeks, and finally my father said to him, "If you come home again without your salary, I'll kill you."

They had a very close relationship.

Now, Chico -- Chico had a way with women you would not believe.

He could play the piano pretty well, but he would never practice.

He was -- He was always chasing women.

Even when we were headliners, he still wouldn't practice.

What he would do -- he'd go into his dressing room, plug up the sink, fill it with warm water, and then he'd sit there and soak his hands for 10 minutes.

And then he'd say [as Chico] "Okay, that's enough practice."

When we went to Hollywood, started making pictures, they could never find Chico on the set.

He was always on the phone with his bookie, and he never knew his lines.

Chico was more interested on what horse was going to lose that day so he can get this money on it.

And yet it was Chico -- it was Chico who was our first manager after our mother.

It was Chico who played cards with all the right producers.

It was Chico who gave us the confidence and the encouragement.

When we were in small-time vaudeville, it was Chico who kept saying to us, "You guys are crazy.

You're very good.

You should be in the big time."

Harpo and I were always very timid, but Chico?

He's a gambler.

He feels differently.

Someone once asked Chico, "Chico, how much money have you spent on gambling and women?"

And Chico said, "Find out how much money Harpo has in the bank, and that's how much I spent."

[ Piano chords play ] Chico Marx.

[ Applause ] We did an act in vaudeville once called "Home Again."

And this is what one critic in California had to say about "Home Again."

He said, "The Marx Brothers in 'Home Again' should be."

I won't say it was the worst act in show business.

It wasn't that good.

It wasn't that good!

[ Laughter ] It -- Skip it.

There's a tough critic in Chicago by the name of Percy Hammond, Chicago Tribune, and he reviewed our act.

Now, in those days, we had a big act, 25, 30 people.

And this is what Percy Hammond had to say about the Marx Brothers.

He said, "The Marx Brothers and their various relatives ran around the stage for nearly an hour yesterday.

Why?

I don't know."

And that was one of his good reviews.

You know, I sometimes get credit for things I never said.

I once got $25 from the Reader's Digest for something I never said.

It was supposed to be a bit for my quiz show, "You Bet Your Life."

Have you seen "You Bet Your Life" recently?

Good?

I'm the host, and contestants come on, an everyday couple, and I interview them.

And during the course of the conversation, if one of them happens to say the secret word, the duck comes down, and I give them an extra $100.

Well, there was a lady on the show, and she says to me [Southern accent] "Groucho, I've got 17 kids."

I said, "17 kids?"

She said, "Yes.

I just love my husband."

I said, "I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally."

Bonnie, you finally laughed!

I knew I'd get you sooner or later.

I knew I'd break you.

You're a lucky man, Terry.

You're a lucky man.

Sleepy, but lucky.

Do we have any mothers here in the audience?

How's that for a segue?

Any mothers here in the audience tonight?

We have a few moms?

Yes?

Any of you ever have a mother?

I'm just trying to get a consensus at this point, ladies and gentlemen.

Are you a mother, sir?

Well, you could be, if you -- You could be if you tried.

Don't be such a quitter over here, by the way.

That's always been your problem.

Well, years ago, there were many songs written about mothers, but no one ever really wrote a song about father.

Dad was the town schlemiel everywhere.

I think they wrote two songs that I can remember.

"Pop Goes the Weasel"... and "Oh, What A Crumb Is My Old Man."

Well, my good friend Harry Ruby finally wrote a tender ballad about father, and here it is.

[ "Father's Day" plays ] Today, father, is Father's Day And we're giving you a tie [ Chords play ] [ Applause ] It's not much, I know It is just our way of showing you we think you are a regular guy You say that it was nice of us to bother But it really was a pleasure to fuss For according to our mother, you're our father And that's good enough for us Yes, that's good enough for u-u-u-us [ Song ends ] [ Applause ] This may go on for years, ladies and gentlemen, or as long as my suspenders hold up.

Is there anything further, father?

Is there anything father, further?

The idea.

[ Soft piano music plays ] That's Harpo's theme.

Harpo stopped talking when a theater owner offered him five bucks to keep his mouth shut.

Harpo inherited all my mother's good qualities -- kindness, understanding, and friendliness.

I got what was left.

Now, Chico's pistol shot piano routine was always a big hit with the audience, so one time while on tour, Harpo started fooling around with an old harp of our grandmother.

After one week, he'd worked up a few simple chords.

After two weeks, he was doing duets with Chico in the act.

He was that good.

I remember during the Broadway run of "The Cocoanuts," Harpo cooked up a little scheme for my big scene with Margaret Dumont.

He grabbed a blonde from the chorus backstage, and he told her that all she had to do was run screaming across the stage, which she did, with Harpo in hot pursuit after her, leaping, bounding, and honking his horn.

[ Horn honks ] Well, naturally, the audience cracked up, and I said, "Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a taxi hail a passenger."

And she came back the other way.

[ Horn honks ] I said, "Well, the 9:20's right on time, folks.

You can always set your clocks by the Lehigh Valley Railroad."

They didn't laugh at that, either, but, uh...

The chase became a permanent part of Harpo's character and a running gag in the the "Cocoanuts."

Chase?

"Running gag" -- there's a joke in there somewhere, but I'm not going to look for it.

Terry, when you come out of your coma, you can look for it somewhere in this area over here.

You know, in real life -- in real life, Harpo's what you see on the stage and the screen.

He's a very lovable man.

Harpo adopted enough children so that there'd be one in every window when he came home from work.

Gummo was our straight man until World War I came along and took him with it.

After a year of peaceful life in the army, Gummo realized that anything was better than being an actor.

He left the act.

He went into the dress business and later became my agent.

Now, he was replaced by young Zeppo.

Now, Zeppo -- Zeppo, who really never had anything to do in the act, was often referred to by the public as the good-looking one.

It's not that he was so good-looking, just the rest of us were so damn ugly.

You know, in real life, Zeppo is the funniest of us all.

But I guess four lunatics in the act would have been too much.

I remember I got sick in Chicago, and Zeppo went on for me as Captain Spaulding.

And he was so good that the audience didn't know the difference.

I could have stayed out front every night, and I would have if I could have smoked in the theater.

Zeppo left the act after the filming of "Duck Soup" and, like Gummo, became an agent.

I guess you could say that "Duck Soup" was Zeppo's final course.

Don't turn on me, ladies and gentlemen!

Don't turn on me!

I didn't write that joke, folks.

I did not write that joke.

Terry wrote it!

Sleepy Terry wrote that joke!

As a matter of fact, we'll take it out right now.

Thanks a lot for that joke, that one miserable contribution, Terry.

I'll never answer my mail again.

There, it's out... until tomorrow's matinee.

[ Piano keys clinking ] Hello -- [ Clinking continues ] I got it.

Terry, it's for you.

It's your wake-up call.

Hello?

Cocoanut Manor.

What's that you say?

The lady in 304 wants some ice water?

Look, tell her to peel an onion.

That'll make her "eyes water."

[ Applause ] You too.

Jamison, Jamison, assemble the hotel staff.

I want to tell them what I expect of them.

Never mind the staff.

Assemble the guests.

I'll tell them what I expect of them.

Courtesy toward the employees.

They must come to realize that a kind word with a bellboy or chambermaid will get them further than a couple of drinks.

Of course, a couple of drinks will get them still further.

And another thing, Jamison.

I decided we're going to change the numbers of all the guests' rooms.

Confusion, yes, but think of the fun.

What I'm concerned about is the future of this place.

We got to speed things up.

If a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes.

If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute.

If he orders a one minute egg, give him a chicken, let him work it out for himself.

Jamison, you're fired!

No, that's too good for you.

We'll make you a guest.

Now, I want three carbon copies of that, and throw the original away.

And when you're through with that, throw the carbon copies away.

Just send a stamp airmail with 12 hard-boiled eggs.

You may go now, Jamison.

Leave your name and number with the girl outside.

Anything comes up, we'll keep in touch.

[ Chords play ] [ Applause ] George S. Kaufman and Morrie Ryskind wrote "The Cocoanuts," "Animal Crackers," and "A Night at the Opera."

And Kaufman, along with being a good friend of mine and hell of a playwright, was also known as a show doctor.

And just in case you don't know what a show doctor is, a show doctor is...a show doctor.

Help me out, will ya, Sternbach?

It's...Sunday in this dungeon in Cincinnati.

Whoopee!

Here we are.

It's a helluva tour we're on this week, isn't it?

Next week, we're playing Lawrenceburg.

Welcome to the last performance of "An Evening with Groucho."

You were there!

[ Piano chords playing ] Will you help me out?

These people are dying for some entertainment.

They're just dying.

We lost Terry about three minutes ago.

There'll be a memorial service in the lobby for Terry after the show.

B-Y-O-T -- bring your own Terry.

Will you help me out here?!

A little give-and-take, a little dialogue support.

I say "show," you say "doctor."

>> Show!

>> Doctor!

>> Gerald Sternbach!

The dialogue genius of Gerald Sternbach, ladies and gentlemen!

Yee-hoo!

Wah-hoo!

Yee-hoo!

Wah-hoo!

Yee-hoo!

Wah-hoo!

Show!

>> Doctor!

>> Show!

>> Doctor!

>> Show!

>> Doctor!

>> Show, show Show, show, show Sh-show, sh-show, sh-show, show Show, show Show, show, show Sh-show, sh-show, sh-show [ Applause ] Meow!

Meow!

Meow!

Kiss me, you fool.

Mwah.

We were always ad-libbing new bits to improve the script, unlike just now.

And this used to drive our playwright, George S. Kaufman, crazy.

I remember one time George S. Kaufman was backstage with the legendary critic Alexander Woollcott.

Well, Woollcott was right in the middle of a sentence when Kaufman said, "Hold it, Aleck.

Hold it."

Well, Woollcott was indignant.

He said, "What's the matter with you, George?"

And Kaufman said, "I don't know.

I might be wrong, but I think I just heard one of my original lines."

Not everything the Marx Brothers did onstage worked, though.

Everyone said the Marx Brothers would be a tremendous success in London.

So, what happened?

In 1922, we were booked into the Coliseum theater, and they didn't like us at all.

In fact, it was so quiet, you would have thought we were doing "The Life and Times of Terry," ladies and gentlemen!

Terry!

Anyway, at the end of the act, the English audience started hooting, howling, and throwing copper coins on the stage.

And finally I stopped the orchestra.

I went to the footlights and said, "Look.

Listen, we came here all the way from America.

It was a long, arduous, expensive journey, and if you don't like our act, we don't mind.

We don't mind being insulted.

But if you must throw coins, throw silver.

[ Piano chords play ] We made several trips to Europe, though, and in 1933 we returned from Europe on the SS Europa.

And as the ship docked into the harbor, all the passengers went straight through customs -- Harpo, Chico, Zeppo.

But my wife and I and the kids were held up for four hours, and they went through all our luggage with a fine-tooth comb.

And they made us go into separate rooms and take off all our clothes.

And to this day, I still don't understand why, but it might have something to do with the way I filled out the customs form.

Name -- Julius H. Marx.

Address -- 21 Lincoln Road, Great Neck, Long Island.

Born -- yes.

Hair -- very little.

Occupation -- smuggler.

Purchases -- Wouldn't you like to know?!

And while we're on the subject, ladies and gentlemen -- and I call you gentlemen because I don't know you very well -- Edgar Allan Poe wrote deathless prose in a drafty garret.

Shakespeare, due to the 1591 paper shortage, wrote the entire second act of "Richard III" on a crust of bread.

And Balzac, the great French novelist, forced himself to write through the night by chaining himself to the bedpost.

But he got the maid in trouble anyway.

Did you ever sit and ponder as you walked along the Strand that life's a bitter battle at the best?

And if you only knew it and could lend a helping hand, then every man can meet the final test.

The world is but a stage, my friends, and life is but a game, and how you play is all that matters in the end, for whether a man is right or wrong, a woman gets the blame, and your mother is your dog's best friend.

And up stepped mighty Casey as he strode up to the bat, and Sheridan was 50 miles away, for it takes a heap of loving to make a home like that, on the road to where the flying fishes play.

[ Applause ] I don't understand it, either.

I thank you, Balzac thanks you, and the maid thanks Balzac.

[ Piano chord plays ] In 193-- [ Piano chord plays ] [ Discordant keys play ] In 193-- [ Piano chord plays ] Yee-hoo, wha-hoo.

In 19-- [ Discordant notes playing ] [ Notes continue ] And to think I used to play by ear.

In 1939, we made "At the Circus" for MGM -- had about four jokes and one song.

But this is the song.

Ah, this meeting brings back memories of childhood days.

Popcorn, peanuts, lemonade, romance!

My life is wrapped around the circus.

Her name was Lydia.

Ah, Lydia.

I met her in 1900, marked down from 1940.

Ah, Lydia.

[ "Lydia The Tattooed Lady" plays ] She was the most glorious creature under the sun Thais, DuBarry, Garbo a-rolled into a-one Ohhhhh Ah, Lydia, oh, Lydia Say, have you met Lydia?

Lydia the Tattooed Lady She has eyes that folks adore so And a torso even more so Lydia, oh, Lydia, that encyclopedia Lydia the Queen of Tattoo On her back is the Battle of Waterloo Beside it, "The Wreck of the Hesperus," too And proudly above waves the red, white, and blue You can learn a lot from Lydia >> La-la-la La-la-la La-la-la La-la-la >> When her robe is unfurled, she will show you the world If you step up and tell her where For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paree Or Washington crossing the Delaware >> La-la-la La-la-la >> Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia Say, have you met Lydia?

Lydia the Tattooed Lady When her muscles start relaxin' Up the hills comes Andrew Jackson Lydia, oh, Lydia, that encyclopedia Lydia the Queen of Tattoo For two bits, she will do a mazurka in jazz With a view of Niagara that nobody has And on a clear day, you can see Alcatraz You can learn a lot from Lydia Everybody!

>> La-la-la La-la-la La-la-la La-la-la >> Come along and see Buffalo Bill with his lasso Just a little classic by Mendel Picasso Here is Captain Spaulding exploring the Amazon Here's Godiva, but with her pajamas on >> La-la-la La-la-la La-la-la La-la-la >> Here is Grover Whalen unveilin' the Trylon Over on the West Coast, we have Treasure Island Here's Nijinsky a-doin' the rhumba Here's her Social Security numba >> La-la-la La-la-la >> Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia Say, have you met Lydia?

Lydia the champ of them all She once swept an admiral clear off his feet The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat And now the old boy's in command of the fleet For he went and married Lydia I said, Lydia I said, Lydia I said, Lydia the Tattooed Lady La, la [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause continue ] And now Signor Ravelli's next selection will be "A Cup of Coffee, a Sandwich and You," from the opera "Aida."

[ Piano plays dramatic music ] Ri-- [ Chord plays ] [ Clears throat ] Re-- [ Chord plays ] Ri-- [ Chord plays ] Rid-- [ Chord plays ] [ Chord plays ] [ Chord plays ] [ Up-tempo music plays ] Thank you.

Rid-- [ Music continues ] Boo!

Thank you!

Ridi Pa-- Ay, ay, ay, ay.

[ Cheers and applause ] Say, if you get near a song, play it.

I'd like to buy back my introduction to you.

Can I have the check, please?

The next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you, will you?

[ Music ends ] [ Applause ] Ladies and gentlemen, the second portion of tonight's program is brought to you by the makers of Foremost.

Foremost -- the breakfast food that makes you wish it were lunchtime.

Unlike other breakfast cereals, Foremost does not snap, crackle, crunch, or pop, It tinkles.

[ Piano keys tinkle ] No other breakfast cereal can make that statement.

Personally, I'm just as happy.

After all, who wants a breakfast cereal that can make statements?

How would you like to sit down to a nice, quiet breakfast.

and have a plate of oatmeal say to you, "Hello, Harry.

How'd you sleep last night?"

When you gonna pay the rent?"

I like an oatmeal that keeps its lumps shut.

If it wants to talk, let it talk to other oatmeals.

I like an oatmeal that's kind, not one that's "gruel."

Foremost -- the breakfast food that tinkles.

[ Piano keys tinkle ] [ "Everyone Says I Love You" plays ] >> Everyone says I love you But just what they say it for, I never knew It's just inviting trouble for the poor sucker who says "I love you" Take a pair of rabbits who Get stuck on each other and begin to woo And pretty soon you'll have a million more rabbits who'll say "I love you" When the lion gets feelin' frisky and begins to roar There's another lion who knows just what he's roar-ring for Everything that ever grew The goose and the gander and the gosling, too The duck upon the water when he feels that way, too, says [ Duck call squeaks ] Now, there's a wise-quack!

[ Outro plays ] [ Cheers and applause ] Terry and Bonnie.

Bonnie and Terry.

49 years.

I was thinking about you two.

That's how bored I was.

But, um...

I've got to get a hobby.

I just got to get a hobby.

Boy, that's a long time to be married, 49 years.

>> Yeah.

>> It is.

I was married for 47 years... to three different women.

I met my first wife, Ruth Johnson, when she was a dancer in the act, when we were doing "Home Again" at the Palace Theatre in New York.

And we had problems getting married for two reasons.

Firstly, I was Jewish.

Secondly, Ruth wasn't.

Well, we finally dug up a justice of the peace who was not only Jewish, but an ex-vaudevillian.

And to show him my gratitude, I heckled him throughout the entire ceremony.

And when he got to the part, "Do you, Julius, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

I said, "Well, we've gone this far.

We might as well go through with it."

[ "Show Me A Rose" plays ] Show me a rose, and I'll show you a girl who cares Show me a rose Or leave me alone There is only one Margaret Dumont.

She's the grande dame in all of our films.

Her real name is Daisy Baker.

And originally she was a singer in Europe, and later she toured with George M. Cohan.

And Sam Harris, the producer of "The Cocoanuts," brought her in, and she's a great straight man.

She taught me how to do the tango Down where the palm trees sway I called her rosa mia And she called a spade, a spade Ah, those movie moments with Margaret.

I've got a confession to make.

I really am a horse doctor, but marry me and I'll never look at another horse.

Don't you see what I'm trying to say to you?

I love you.

There.

I said it.

I love you.

You take me and, I'll take a vacation.

I'll need a vacation if we're gonna get married.

Ah, married.

I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove.

But I can't see the stove.

Come, come, say the word, you'll never see me again.

I'll meet you tonight under the moon.

I can see it now, just you and the moon.

You wear a necktie so I'll know you.

Why don't you beat it?

I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing.

You can leave in a taxi.

If you can't leave in a taxi, you can leave in a huff.

If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here?

You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

Why don't you pull up a couple of chairs and sit down?

[ "Show Me A Rose" plays ] Show me a rose, and I'll show you a girl named Sam Show me a rose Or leave me alone There is only one Margaret Dumont, and she never understands any of the jokes.

She always says to me [as Margaret Dumont] "Julius, what are they laughing at?"

She could never bring herself to call anyone "Groucho."

We were shooting "Duck Soup," the final scene, the battle scene, and a shell comes flying through the window.

And I run over and I pulled the shade down and she says to me [as Margaret Dumont] "Rufus, what are you doing?"

I said, "I'm fighting for your honor, which is probably more than you ever did."

She never understood that joke.

Neither did the entire front row, for that matter.

Where the hell'd you people go?

In 1938, Margaret Dumont won the Screen Actors Guild Award for Best Supporting Actress for "A Day at the Races."

Wonderful woman.

She's always a lady.

And this is from an interview she gave during the Broadway run of "The Cocoanuts."

[As Margaret Dumont] "After three weeks with the Marx Brothers, I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

They pushed me about, pulled chairs from under me, broiled steaks in my fireplace, put frogs in my bath, and made my life miserable on stage and off.

But I don't regret one moment of it.

I just love those boys."

Ah, Maggie, you are a rose among thorns.

[ "Show Me A Rose" plays ] Show me a rose A fragrant rose Make believe that you don't know me Until you show me A rose [ Outro plays ] [ Applause ] Here you go, Bonnie.

That's for you, toots.

It's all yours.

There we go.

This is for you, too, Bonnie, right here.

That's 100% USDA choice right there.

That's a -- [ Foot stomping ] Come in!

Folks, folks, I have a little announcement I'd like to make at this time, a little announcement that after this show, in the lobby, I'll be selling mink coats.

And here's the beauty of it -- $44 a coat.

Now, you may well ask how I can sell mink coats in the lobby for $44 a coat.

I don't pay rent, I don't advertise, and I steal the coats.

And I steal the coats!

This is like doing a Sunday show in Cincinnati, ladies and gentlemen.

It's a lot like that.

This is remarkable, actually, I've, uh -- I've never seen anything quite like this.

This is something else.

This is quite remarkable.

Ladies and gentlemen, usually at this time, after act one, I stand right here, dead center on the stage and I look out and nobody's there.

You're the first audience to see act two of "An Evening with Groucho"!

Thank you, Cincinnati!

Who knew you had it in ya!

[ Cheers and applause ] I don't even know how act two goes!

Who else is here?

Nice to see all you folks here.

Bonnie and Terry.

How did you two lovebirds meet?

>> We met in college.

>> Did you enjoy his student body?

>> Yes.

>> And so when do you first lay eyes on each other?

>> Second week of school.

>> Second week of school?

>> Freshman year.

>> Yeah.

How was the -- [ Applause ] No, don't encourage this, ladies and gentlemen.

No one said it was a good marriage, by the way, just a -- just a long marriage.

So, you fell in love.

Was it love at first sight?

>> Almost.

>> Almost?

That's a "no."

It's a "yes" or "no" question.

So, what did you do on the first date, Bonnie?

Do you remember?

>> Yes.

>> What was it?

>> We went to the laundromat.

>> The laundromat?

Well, it looks like you both cleaned up.

You went to the laundromat, eh?

>> Yes.

>> So, how was that?

It was just a coincidence and just serendipity?

Or was this the actual date?

>> It was the actual date.

>> You said, "Why don't we meet at the laundromat"?

>> No, we -- >> What goes on at that laundromat, exactly, by the way?

So, that was your first date.

>> Yes.

>> At the laundromat.

>> Yes.

>> And you just watched the laundry dry and... >> That's right.

[ Laughter ] >> Yeah, the best she could say about you was "reliable," after all, so...

This is -- Maybe it's not the most passionate relationship, but it's -- but it's consistent, if nothing else.

It's lovely.

And what do you do for a living, Terry?

>> I was an accountant.

>> You was?

It just gets worse, by the way.

Did you ever -- Did you go get your degree?

Did you become a teacher?

>> Yes.

>> And did you teach?

What years did you teach?

What level of students?

>> I taught college.

>> Yes.

>> I taught at Boston College.

>> Is this story gonna get more interesting, by the way?

You were at Boston -- That sounds wonderful.

That's lovely, very lovely.

Why don't you make yourself useful and give Bonnie a kiss over here?

There you go.

And, you know, sir -- sir, why don't you make yourself useful and give Bonnie a kiss over here?

He came clo-- He almost did, ladies and gentlemen.

That's a -- I like that couple.

I don't care what you say.

I like them.

As simple as that.

How about you kids over here?

How do you know each other?

You're married?

>> Yes, we are.

>> Yeah?

How's that going so far?

>> Excellent.

>> Well, it's early yet.

How long have you two been together?

I love this whole -- I like this whole look you got here.

That's beautiful.

You, not so much.

You know, you did pretty good for yourself over here, I have to say.

>> I married up.

>> You married up.

You married up where?

What do you do for a living?

>> I teach kindergarten.

>> You teach -- Well, good for you.

[ Applause ] Why are you applauding that?

He may be the worst teacher on the planet over here.

What about you?

What's your name?

>> I'm second grade.

>> You're second grade?

You seem much older than that.

You teach, so you're both teachers.

It's good to see you.

Well, lovely.

Nice to have you here.

And what was your name?

>> Roger.

>> Roger and Wilco.

Nice to see you.

It's nice to have you here.

It's lovely, such nice people here.

I'm glad you all came.

Most of you are glad you came.

Well, almost most of you over here.

Nice to to see all you folks here.

How are you?

Hello, gents.

Nice to have you all here.

Nice to see you.

Boogie, boogie, boogie.

I can read your future.

I see figures, strange figures, weird figures.

It's a motley-looking crowd.

Hello.

Nice to see you again.

Nice people here, for the most part.

Well, one or two of you, at least.

Who are you?

>> I'm Kelsey.

>> Have you ever seen any of our movies, Kelsey?

>> No.

>> This is your introduction.

I hope you enjoy it.

I really don't care, but I had to say something after... And I recognize you two over here.

I remember.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah, I remember you before.

You were married -- You had a long marriage.

How long were you two married?

>> 71 years.

>> 71 years?

[ Cheers and applause ] That's a -- That's a -- That's a slice of hell, if you ask me.

Can you imagine?

71 years.

Tell us all about the Civil War.

What was it like?

71.

My God.

What's your name, madam?

>> Miffy.

>> Excuse me?

What's your name?

>> My name is -- I have a Welsh name -- Anwen.

People call me Miffy.

>> I wish I understood a word you were saying, but -- Your name is Miffy?

>> Yeah.

>> Your name is Miffy.

Well, nice to have you here, Miffy, and I remember you, Miffy.

And who is the gentleman with you?

>> Robert.

>> Robert and Miffy.

Nice to have you back.

I saw you dozing during act one, and I recognize the top of your head, by the way.

I remember.

And it's Robert and Miffy.

>> She's my rose.

>> She is your rose.

Thank you.

[ Audience "awws" ] Thank you.

Don't worry.

We'll be cutting that right out of the taping.

Don't worry about it.

I'm glad that you're here.

72 -- 72 years?

And how old are you?

>> I'm 96.

>> 96 years old?!

[ Cheers and applause ] >> 96?

96?

Wait a minute here.

Wait a minute.

You're older than my jokes.

I never thought I'd find someone in the audience.

It's good to see you again, Robert.

Welcome back.

Thank you for coming back to see us at the show.

I appreciate it.

We have all ages here.

You're 96, you said?

>> Yes.

>> And how old are you?

>> 14.

>> 14.

Now, that's running the gamut here, ladies and gentlemen, I have to say.

Why don't you make yourself useful and give her a kiss, why don't you?

There you go.

Look at that.

It's still operating.

[ Applause ] Nice to have you back.

And how old are you?

>> 14.

>> You're 14 years old.

Do you have any idea what I'm saying all this time here?

Yeah?

14 years old.

>> [ Speaking indistinctly ] >> I'm not talking to you anymore, Robert.

[ Laughter ] Robert!

Robert, we've moved on!

We've moved on.

You made a wonderful contribution, but we're through with you, Robert, at this point.

It's nice to have you both here.

Now I'm repeating myself.

You see how that's...

I was talking to the young fella in front of you.

He's 14 years old.

14 and 96.

>> Yeah.

>> It's a lot of years.

Now she's talking over here.

I can't get any...

I can't shake these two, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to.

14 years old.

Are you a Marx Brothers fan?

>> I've seen "Duck Soup" and "A Day at the Races."

>> He's seen "Duck Soup" and "A Day at the Races"!

Thank you!

[ Cheers and applause ] Could you help me out for one second, young man?

What's your name?

>> Peyton.

>> Peyton, I'm Groucho.

Nice to meet you.

How do you do?

Come over here.

I want you to see what an audience looks like in Cincinnati.

Where you from?

>> Trenton.

>> Trenton, New Jersey?

>> No.

Ohio.

>> Ohio?

These are your people, Peyton, right over here!

That's it.

This is it.

Welcome to the stage.

That's Miffy and Robert over there.

He's 96.

That's what you're gonna look like in about 200 years right over there.

That's your future.

Sorry.

So, you've seen "Duck Soup" and "A Day at the Races?"

What are your hobbies?

Aside from seeing our films on a rare occasion.

>> Reading and drawing.

>> Reading?

The last reader right over here.

You're the one.

The last 14-year-old who reads!

Have you considered a career in show business?

Yeah?

You have?

Well, come over here.

Maybe you can help me out over here.

Have you ever been in a play before?

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah?

What kind of show was it?

>> It was a Christmas -- >> A Christmas show?

What did you do in the Christmas show?

>> One of the singers.

>> You're a singer?

Alright, here we go.

Help me out, will you, Peyton?

Who are you here with tonight, Peyton?

>> My mother.

>> And what's her name?

>> Elizabeth.

>> And what does she do for a living?

>> She's a makeup artist.

>> Makeup artist, huh?

[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I'd like to make up with you sometime, I'll tell you that.

I'm glad to hear.

Stay there.

I've got a present for you.

Today, you are a man.

There we go.

There you go.

Watch your teeth.

There we go.

There you go.

Folks, I can't do this show forever.

And I think I found my replacement right here in Cincinnati!

Ladies and gentlemen, Peyton!

Walk like me, Peyton.

[ "Hooray For Captain Spaulding" plays ] Peyton!

Take a bow, Peyton!

[ Cheers and applause continue ] Take another bow, Peyton!

Nice work, Peyton.

Peyton, ladies and gentlemen!

Get the hell out of here, Peyton.

[ Cheers and applause continue ] Peyton, we'll smoke these after the show, Peyton.

They're good for you.

They're good for the lungs.

One more round of applause for Peyton over here.

[ Applause ] Thank you, Peyton.

Who are the Marx Brother fans?

We have a few Marx Brother fans out here tonight?

Some of you?

Nice to see that.

I have a favorite comedian, and that's Charlie Chaplin.

Do we have any Chaplin -- Yeah?

Some of you?

And you back here -- I have to say, if you only see one Charlie Chaplin film, see "City Lights."

Have any of you seen "City Lights"?

Some of you?

Yeah?

And I'll tell you why.

That's a film that will make you laugh and it'll make you cry.

And there's just nobody better.

Can you imagine?

He wrote the film.

He directed.

He stars in it.

He produced it.

He did the music for it.

There's nobody better.

And Charlie Chaplin -- he paved the way for all of us in movie comedy.

And the first time I met Chaplin, he was 18 years old.

I was 17 years old and we were both on the road and we were in -- He was doing his act, and I was doing mine.

Can you imagine, that young to be working on the road alone?

And I was in this gorgeous theater in Manitoba, Canada.

And I look up in a balcony, and there's a drunk audience member up there.

And he falls out of the balcony, but he hangs on by his cane and he's dangling there.

He flips back up into the balcony.

He falls out again.

He hangs by his cane.

He flips -- This happened several times.

Finally, we realized it wasn't a drunk audience member.

It was Charlie Chaplin.

He was so agile, so balletic.

I never laughed so hard in my life, and I told my brothers, "I just saw the funniest man in the world."

And I was right.

And the next time I saw Chaplin was in Los Angeles.

I said, "Say, you must be getting quite a few offers now to appear in the pictures."

And he said, "Yes, Mack Sennett offered me $200 a week, but I turned him down."

I said, "What do you mean, you turned him down?

You're only getting $25 a week in vaudeville."

And he said, "Nobody's that good.

Nobody's worth $200 a week."

Well, the next time I saw Chaplin, we had dinner at his house.

We ate off solid-gold plates with a butler behind each chair.

So much for modesty.

W.C. Fields is a good friend of mine and a hell of a drunk.

And when Fields is making pictures, he takes an oversized cocktail shaker filled with martinis to the set with him, and he tells everyone on the crew that it's pineapple juice.

Now, one time, Fields went on his break.

The crew took the shaker, spilled it out, and filled it with pineapple juice.

Well, Fields comes back from his break.

He sits down, takes a swig of the stuff, stands up, looks around slowly, and says, "Who the hell put pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?!"

There was a fella in vaudeville with us by the name of Ed Metcalf, and he was always backstage in his dressing room singing these lyrics.

I became completely intrigued, and I said, "Say, Metcalf, what is that you're singing all the time?"

And he said, "That's Gilbert and Sullivan.

I said, "Gilbert and Sullivan?

Who are they?

A vaudeville act?"

I got the same response from him that I just did from you folks here tonight.

From that point on, I became a complete Gilbert and Sullivan nut.

I learned all their songs by heart, and I played them night and day on my guitar as their records played on my old Victrola.

And finally, finally, I was able to achieve an ambition that I'd had for years.

I played Ko-Ko, the Lord High Executioner in "The Mikado."

And in it, I sang a song about a little bird who dies of a broken heart.

On a tree by a river a little tom-tit Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow" And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit Singing willow, titwillow, titwillow'?"

"Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?"

I cried >> Cried >> He's singing with me over here.

[ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Stop coming to my shows, Robert, I -- I beg you.

You can't stop this guy.

You know that.

[ Applause ] [ Laughter ] Robert, at 96, you can do whatever the hell you want, quite frankly.

[ Cheers and applause ] We'll take it from the top, though.

[ "Willow, Tit-Willow" plays ] On a tree by a river a little tom-tit Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow" And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit Singing willow, titwillow, titwillow'?

Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?"

I cried "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?"

With a shake of his poor little head, he replied "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow" He slapped at his chest as he sat on that bough Singing "Willow, titwillow, titwillow" And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow Then he sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave Then he plunged himself into that billowy wave And an echo arose from that suicide's grave "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow" Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow" And if you remain callous and obdurate I shall perish as he did And you will know why Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow" [ Song ends ] [ Applause ] You know, I once said to my wife Ruth, I said, "Ruth, did you know that Gilbert and Sullivan couldn't stand each other?"

She said, "I'm not surprised.

I can't stand either one of them."

Last week, I read a headline in the Los Angeles Times -- "Chico Marx suffers heart attack at Las Vegas nightclub."

Harpo and I immediately hopped a plane and we rushed to the hospital and we sat at Chico's bedside, only to hear Chico admit, "I didn't really have a heart attack.

I had to get out of this contract somehow.

I'm losing more money shooting craps at the tables than I'm making playing piano with my band."

When Bugsy Siegel was shot, they found Chico's check in his wallet.

It's a lucky thing they shot Bugsy.

Chico's check would have bounced, and Bugsy would have shot Chico.

Not a day goes by when I don't speak to my brothers.

So, who are the Marx Brother fans here?

We have a few here tonight?

I see a few up front.

Who's got a -- Who has a favorite film?

You can just shout out your favorite Marx Brothers film.

Who's got a favorite?

>> "Animal Crackers."

>> "Animal Crackers."

Anyone else?

>> "Duck Soup."

>> "Duck Soup."

>> "A Night at the Opera."

>> "Night at the Opera."

A couple of "Night at the Operas."

"Day at the Races."

"Horse Feathers," "Cocoanuts."

Someone knows what they're talking about in this audience.

Good.

I have to say for me, for me, it's probably a tie between "Duck Soup" and "A Night at the Opera."

Irving Thalberg produced our first two films at MGM, "A Night at the Opera" and "A Day at the Races."

And I respect Thalberg because he's the greatest producer in all of show business.

He produced "Grand Hotel," "Mutiny on the Bounty," Garbo's "Camille," "Good Earth."

Have you heard of some of these films, ladies and gentlemen?

[ Applause ] And when we signed with Thalberg, he was thinking of going into business for himself.

He did not like Louis B. Mayer of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, and neither did I.

And Mayer is the most powerful man in the industry.

I remember one time Louis B. Mayer came up to me on the set of "A Day at the Races," and he says to me, "Hello, Groucho.

How's the picture going?"

And I said, "That's none of your business, Mayer.

We're working for Irving Thalberg."

Three days later, Irving Thalberg died, and we're working for Louis B. Mayer.

And I was just kidding Mayer, but he had no sense of humor.

It's amazing how many people I run into with no sense of humor.

[ Laughter ] You know, Mayer actually sabotaged our next three films.

Unlike Thalberg, he wouldn't let us try out our material onstage before we shot it.

And -- And he only hired third-rate writers and directors.

Mayer was cutting off his nose to spite his face.

And now that I think of it, his nose would have been better off on its own.

Mayer hated the Marx Brothers till the day he died.

Here's a song that Mayer cut from "A Day at the Races."

It was supposed to come in right after Margaret Dumont says, "But I must have Dr. Hackenbush.

I didn't know there was anything wrong with me until I met him."

Is there a doctor in the house?

Is there a -- I've always wanted to say that.

Do we have any doctors here tonight?

Is there a single doctor?

A married doctor?

What's your name, Doc?

Hi, Doc.

>> Jim.

>> Jim.

Dr. Jim what?

>> Sanitato.

>> Sanitato?

You're making this up now, aren't you?

Dr. Jim Sanitato?

Hello, Dr. Jim Sanitato.

It's fun to say "Sanitato."

Everybody together.

>> Sanitato!

>> Isn't that a good feeling?

It's cathartic, really, at this point.

Dr. Sanitato, Dr. Jim Sanitato.

What kind of doctor are you?

And don't say "a good one."

>> Ophthalmologist.

>> I see.

[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!

Alright, Dr. Jim, I'm going to dedicate this song to you, alright?

In fact, I'm going to dedicate my entire life to you.

That's how much I hate myself.

Alright, here we go.

Take it from the top, Mr. Sternbach.

Better yet, take it from the bottom.

I want to get the hell out of here.

What do you say?

Alright, here we go.

[ Chord plays ] Have any of you seen "A Day at the Races"?

[ Cheers and applause ] This song's not in it, alright?

My name is Dr. Hackenbush, the famous medico You're welcome, Dr. Hackenbush If that's the case, I'll go Oh, no, you mustn't go Who said I mustn't go?

The only reason that I came is so that I can go I'm sure that you would like to hear Some facts about my great career Although my horn I hate to blow There's one thing that you ought to know I'm Dr. Hackenbush As all my friends will verify Well anyways, ladies and gentlemen I am Dr. Hackenbush I'm Dr. Hackenbush I'm Dr. Hackenbush You never would guess, but nevertheless I'm Dr. Hackenbush For ailments abdominal, my charges are a nominal Though I'm great for, I've a rate for tonsillectomy Sick and healthy, poor and wealthy, come direct to me "Oh, God bless you," they yell When I send them home well But they never No, they never send a check to me I've won acclaim for curing ills, both in the north and south You'll find my name just like my pills, in everybody's mouth I've never lost a case I've never lost a case I've lost a lot of patients, but I've never lost a case Who are you gonna believe, me or those crooked X-rays?

What's your name, sir?

>> Mike.

>> Mike, I'm gonna help you out here.

Here, take one of these after every half mile and call me if there's any change.

You can take this with three gallons of water.

If you got a bridge, you could take it with one gallon of water.

You see what happens?

The pill flows under your bridge, and you walk over your bridge and meet the pill on the other side.

The last patient I gave this to won the Kentucky Derby.

Play, Sternbach!

My diagnosis never fails I know just what to do Whenever anybody ails, I'm sympathetic, too My heart within me melts My heart within me melts No matter what I treat them for, they die of something else [ Music stops ] [ Applause ] When your nerves start to rock, put your faith in your doc When you're sick, he will stick to the end With the possible exception of your mother A doctor's a man's best friend Yes, a doctor's a man's a-best a-friend A doctor's a man's best friend, whoa, ho A doctor's a man's best friend A doctor is A doctor is a man's best friend [ Music stops ] [ Applause ] Right or wrong, wrong or right Night and day, day and night On his call you can always depend With the possible exception of your mother and your father And your sisters and your brothers And your nephews and your nieces And your uncles and your cousins Whom you number by the dozens A doctor's a man's a-best a-friend Yow!

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Outro plays ] [ Cheers and applause continue ] [ Cheers and applause continue ] Folks, when I was a boy, I wanted to be a doctor.

And when I got older, I wanted to be a writer.

All my closest friends are writers -- E.B.

White, James Thurber, Ring Lardner, S.J.

Perelman, Robert Benchley, George S. Kaufman.

These are all great writers.

But I never made it past the sixth grade.

"Gus."

"Gus is the Cat at the Theatre Door.

His name, as I ought to have told you before is really Asparagus.

That's such a fuss to pronounce that we usually call him just Gus.

His coat's very shabby.

He's thin as a rake.

And he suffers from palsy that makes his paw shake.

Yet he was, in his youth, quite the smartest of Cats-- but no longer a terror to mice or to rats, for he isn't the Cat that he was in his prime, though his name was quite famous, he says, in its time."

That's T.S.

Eliot.

Have any of you ever read any of T.S.

Eliot's poetry?

Some of you?

Yeah?

[ Applause ] T.S.

Eliot is perhaps my most celebrated pen pal, and for years I corresponded with Tom.

And finally, I schlepped over to London in anticipation of a grand, glorious literary evening.

Well, I spent the entire week prior reading everything that Eliot had ever written.

I read "Murder in the Cathedral" three times.

I read "The Wasteland" four times.

Well, there was a momentary lull in our conversation over cocktails, so I decided to toss in a quotation from "The Wasteland."

Eliot smiled faintly, as though to say he was thoroughly familiar with his poetry.

Then he borrowed one of my lines.

He said, "What?

This bill is $9.40?

That's an outrage.

If I were you, I wouldn't pay it."

Now it was my turn to smile faintly.

Can you imagine, our greatest poet, T.S.

Eliot, was more interested in discussing the Marx Brothers in "Animal Crackers" and "A Night at the Opera."

I was asked to join the Sands Point Beach Club on Long Island.

As I approached the manager behind the desk, he says to me, "Mr. Marx, I'm delighted to have you here.

I said, "Well, I'm delighted to be here."

He said, "I'm delighted that you're delighted."

Everyone was delighted.

Then he found out I was Jewish.

He said, "Mr. Marx, I'm terribly sorry, but you cannot use our pool.

We do not allow Jews to swim in our pool."

I said, "What about my daughter?

She's only half-Jewish.

Can she go into the water up to her waist?"

I got the hell out of that club.

I wound up in Rome.

Now, I'm in Rome, just about to light up a dollar cigar, when some guy -- he bumps into me and knocks it out of my hand.

Now, this is a dollar cigar.

I'm just not going to let it lay there.

So I bend down to pick up the cigar, and I said, "Jesus Christ."

And I turn around, and there's a priest standing next to me.

Well, the priest -- the priest is the one who bumped against me.

Well, he reaches into his pocket, pulls out a cigar, and says, "Groucho, you just said the secret word."

[ Cheers and applause ] Recently, I was walking down State Street in Chicago when a middle-aged couple approached me.

And they start circling me and they go around me two or three times looking me over as though I'm some creature from outer space.

Finally, the wife hesitantly comes up to me, and she says, "You're him, aren't you?

You're Groucho?"

I nodded.

And then she gently touched me on the arm, and she says to me, "Please don't die.

Just keep on living."

Who could ask for anything more?

Maestro!

[ Mid-tempo piano music plays ] Ridi, Pagliacci I love you very much-ee So be a real life Pagliac And laugh, clown, laugh [ Smooches ] [ Song ends ] [ Applause ] And, um -- And -- And in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, if there's one thing I'd like to drive home tonight, it's Bonnie.

[ Smooches ] [ Piano plays arpeggio ] I'll stay a week or two I'll stay the summer through But I am telling you I must be going So long, Cincinnati!

Mwah!

[ "Hooray For Captain Spaulding" plays ] [ Applause ] [ Rhythmic clapping ] I put all my reliance in courage and defiance Risked my life for science Hey, hey!

Ha, ha!

Hooray for Captain Spaulding The African explorer Did someone call me schnorrer Hooray, hooray, hooray Whoo-hoo!

[ Cheers and applause ] Ladies and gentlemen, Gerald Sternbach!

>> Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back Mr. Frank Ferrante!

[ Cheers and applause ] >> Thank you.

Thank you all -- Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you all so much.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thank you very -- Thank you.

Please have a seat.

Thank you so much.

This is my 33rd year doing this role.

I've done it more than 3,000 times, more than 500 cities.

I've played New York, London, but I've never played Cincinnati.

And now I know why, quite frankly.

No, I've had the best time playing here, and one of the great joys of doing this role for so many years is that I got to meet so many people that knew and loved Groucho Marx.

I wanted to mention in closing one person I met when I was -- just some years ago.

When I was that shy kid that I referenced at the top of the show, I used to sneak out of my bedroom when I was 11 and I'd go into our living room and I'd watch reruns of Groucho Marx's quiz show, "You Bet Your Life."

And on that show, he had a sidekick, an announcer, a very handsome young man with a perfect haircut and a baritone voice.

And his name was George Fenneman.

And every week for 14 years, George introduced Groucho with this -- "Ladies and gentlemen, and here he is, the one, the only..." >> Groucho!

>> And George Fenneman was at one of my performances some years ago, and he was an older man at the time, in his 70s.

And I had the privilege of introducing him at the end of the show.

When I introduce George Fenneman, the audience applauds, they stand up, and there's George, who is in tears.

He's moved by the evening.

And he comes back to my dressing room and he says to me, "Frank, would you like to hear about the last time I saw Groucho?"

I said, "I'd love to hear the story."

And he tells me the story of driving to Beverly Hills.

He goes into Groucho Marx's house, into his bedroom, and there's Groucho, the king of comedy, 86 years old.

He's had a stroke.

He's in a wheelchair.

He's not well.

But George described Groucho's expression to me as "beatific."

He was serene.

He was at peace with himself after a very long life.

And at the end of this joyous encounter with his -- his old boss, his friend, his hero, George told me he had to move Groucho from Groucho's wheelchair to Groucho's bed.

So, George told me he put his arms around Groucho's torso and he lifts Groucho out of the wheelchair and he starts to shimmy him toward the bed.

And in this tiny voice, Fenneman hears... "Fenneman, you always were a lousy dancer."

[ Laughter, applause ] That's Groucho.

Thank you for sharing his spirit with me tonight.

Until next time, tell 'em Groucho sent ya.

Play, Sternbach!

Taxi!

Taxi!

[ Up-tempo piano music playing ] [ Kazoo blares ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Up-tempo piano music plays ] [ Cheers and applause continue ] [ Music ends ] [ Applause ] Well, one of my heroes is in the audience tonight, and I first saw him perform his show in 1984 when I was 20 years old.

He is the father of the solo form.

We all have fathers, and we all have spiritual fathers.

I consider him a spiritual father, and I would like to introduce a man who's done his show for 60 years, going on 61, and is one of America's finest actors.

I'd like to thank him for being here because he makes me want to do it for another 30 years.

Mr. Hal Holbrook.

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause continue ] Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause continue ] >> A DVD of this program, "Frank Ferrante's Groucho," featuring bonus materials, including backstage moments and interviews with the creative team, actor/writer Frank Ferrante and director Dreya Weber, is available now for $20, plus $5 shipping and handling within the United States.

To order online, visit EveningWithGroucho.com.

[ Up-tempo piano music playing ] >> For more information on "Frank Ferrante's Groucho," please visit EveningWithGroucho.com.

You can follow "Frank Ferrante's Groucho" on Facebook at An Evening with Groucho and on Instagram at FrankFerrantesGroucho.

>> Funding for this program was provided by Cynthia Lovelace Sears, a proud supporter of Bainbridge Performing Arts, re-opening as the Buxton Center for Bainbridge Performing Arts in 2023.