Facing Suicide

(upbeat music) - And I remember sitting down by my daughter's crib one day and I was just like, "Okay, if I don't talk to someone my daughter is not gonna have a mother."

And I didn't want that for my daughter at all.

(upbeat music) - I'm Shani Tran, and I'm a licensed professional clinical counselor.

And I'm bringing together people with lived experience with suicide to share their stories, including my own.

Today, we're talking about how do I ask for help?

(upbeat music) We're here to get to the hope and healing of it all.

But if you're at home watching, I want you to take care.

If you are considering suicide, or if you or someone is in an emotional crisis please call or text 988.

(soft music) Before we get started, I wanted to ask the group, is there anyone here who has ever reached out for help in regards to their mental health?

- Oh yeah, that's why we're here, isn't it?

- Yes.

- Originally before I kind of understood the mental health side when I had first encountered depression it was a lot harder.

I didn't really understand like, oh, this isn't a normal thing.

I knew something was wrong, but it wasn't known to me that I could really reach out and start asking for help.

- Does anyone else resonate with that?

- I think when I reached out for help I should have done so earlier.

One night I knew that if I continued to stay at home I wouldn't be safe for the rest of the night.

I kept it pretty brief, but all I said to my parents was, "Okay, I need to go to the hospital 'cause I know that I am not safe for the rest of the night."

- So when I first had suicidal ideation I didn't ask for help.

I knew that this shouldn't be the norm for me.

I just knew that something was wrong, but I didn't really know how I can change it.

I didn't even see a solution or an out of navigating that irrational fear that I had.

- I too have been in that position where it's hard to know when to reach out for help.

I think that there are two pivotal moments in my life that I can go back to that brings up my own personal mental health when it comes to suicide.

The first time was I graduate from college and life hits.

You have student loans, you have bills.

You have to figure out how to live life.

My maladaptive coping skill was drinking.

And it was a way for me to just sort of flow and dance.

But people I don't think often recognize that you might feel happy when you're getting buzzed, but alcohol is a downer.

So at the end of the night that often left me with my thoughts alone drunk.

And that would lead to suicidal thoughts for me.

And I wouldn't think that anyone cared about me even though I just spent a night dancing with my friends laughing at the end of the night I was alone.

That's how I felt, I wanted the pain to end.

For me, it wasn't about ending my life, I wanted the pain to end.

I reached out to a friend.

I didn't tell them why I was reaching out which I think is important for people to hear because it wasn't that I was like, "Hey, I want to do this.

I want to take my life and I need you to come over."

I just knew that I didn't want to be alone.

So I had a really good guy friend at the time in college, and I don't even think he knows to this day why I called him over.

And immediately he was like, "Yep, Shani I'm there."

And I just remember telling him I'm scared.

He stayed with me until I fell asleep.

And that was my first experience with a suicide attempt.

How do you know when to reach out for help though?

- Again, I feel like the time that you need help verbalize basically to yourself that I can't go on.

I can't do this alone.

At some point, I feel like I ran into that where it was like, I can't go on.

And that's when the suicidal thoughts start to creep in.

And as soon as you recognize that that's when it's time to ask for help.

And I mean, it's the hardest thing because oftentimes you don't wanna ask for help.

It's the last thing you feel like doing because it's almost like, "Man, I'm so low, I'm so down, I don't wanna be here, and I don't wanna bother somebody else."

- I think that asking for help looks like a lot of different things.

For example, you may just wanna hang out with a friend.

You don't wanna discuss what exactly is going on, but you just wanna be with someone.

And so it's not directly asking for help, but that it would help you, and they would help you at the time.

'Cause sometimes I'm not comfortable talking about what's going on, but I know that even if I'm there with them and they're with me, then I'll be okay, and I'll be happy and I can manage my symptoms.

- You don't always need to say what's going on.

It's okay to call up a friend and say, "Hey, I'm struggling, can we just go out?

Do you wanna go walk?

Do you wanna go to the park?

Do you wanna go do anything?

Do you wanna just talk to me for five minutes?"

And sometimes, "Do you wanna watch TV and just leave the phone out?"

There's so many ways to do it that can be done that at least can somehow lift your spirits up for the day.

But the point where you need to ask for help is when you start feeling like I can't handle this on my own.

That's a really big breaking point I feel.

- After I had my first child, I became a stay at home mom, and the isolation got to me.

And I don't think anyone explained to me what it is after you have a child.

It's like, "Oh, babies are wonderful."

You've become a mother.

And I feel like motherhood is almost romanticized in a way.

And I go home and I just remember waking up and feeling isolated and lonely.

And I remember sitting down by my daughter's crib one day and I was just like, "Okay, if I don't talk to someone my daughter is not gonna have a mother."

And I didn't want that for her daughter at all.

I wanted her to have a mother.

I wanted her to wake up and be able to know that she had someone that cared about her.

That was really important to me to work on myself so that I can be a better person for myself and my daughter.

So I remember reaching out, finding a therapist.

And looking back, honestly, we weren't a great fit for each other, but I just needed to get it out.

I needed to talk to someone that therapist at the time she fulfilled her role in creating a safe place for me to get out my thoughts and talk through it.

- What would you say to someone who is afraid to ask for help?

- If you feel like it's a selfish thing, it's okay to be selfish.

It is, especially when it comes to your personal wellbeing but also people are gonna care what you have to say, and they're gonna care about your wellbeing.

And even if you think that nobody out there cares about you you better bet your buttons, that there is a decent amount of people out there who love and cherish up.

- Coming from a personal experience.

I feel like once I ask for help to other people it also opened the door for other people to ask for help to each other as well.

So even if you might be coming from a more selfish feeling of asking for help, but at the end it helps a lot of other people who might be going through similar things or also feeling like guilt or shame from trying to ask for help for different or similar things.

- I would say that you are loved.

You are cared about.

It's not a situation where they're gonna turn you away.

When you need help, sometimes you don't even need to say exactly what the situation is.

All you need to say is just, "I'm struggling, I need help with something" - Yeah and you have to give them the opportunity to help you and support you and love you.

- I'm always healing.

I don't think that it's linear.

Sometimes you don't even know that you need to heal something until it's brought back up again.

And what I would say to my younger self is that, "I love you.

That's what's important is that I love you.

We are going to get through this together.

You are crying and going through your emotions.

That doesn't mean you're emotional.

You are actually very strong.

And I know you can't see it right now, but this adversity it is going to make you into a good person."

I get it asking for help is hard.

And you may not be sure who can support you.

But I think a great place to start is thinking about the people that you have in your life right now.

Who would you call if you were having say, a rough day at work, or if you just went through a breakup?"

And if you can't identify that person knowing that you can call or text 988, 24/7, it's free and you can access it.

And the people on that line are able to help you navigate suicidal thoughts with care and without judgment.

Watch more of our discussions here on the PBS YouTube channel.

And watch the "Facing Suicide" documentary on pbs.org or the PBS video app.

(upbeat music)