Draper's Tours Mysteries

(dramatic music) (dramatic music continues) (dramatic music continues) Trailer for sale or rent Rooms to let 50 cents No phone, no pool, no pets I ain't got no cigarettes Oh, but two hours of pushing broom Buys a eight by 12 four-bit room I'm a man of means by no means King of the road - It's over there.

Third boxcar, midnight train (horn honking) Destination Bangor, Maine - Look at them, always the same these literary tours.

Book-reading psychopaths.

Do you remember Joanna Lumley when she did that Places of My Life tour?

By the second day, she'd barricaded herself in the toilet.

I was slipping her Garibaldis through the ventilation grill.

By the time they got her out of there, she were blinking in the daylight like a Chilean miner.

- Oh, well, you'll love this one, murder mystery writer David Van der Clane is gonna show us where he set all his books.

- Mm.

Maybe he can identify the culprit who killed my dreams.

Ready?

(door opens) - I mean, what sort of a time do you call this?

We've been waiting so long, my leg's gone to sleep.

My good leg and all.

- I'm sorry, everyone, we hit a deer.

- Did we?

- Oh, goodness, look at her, she's trembling like a leaf.

- I killed a deer once.

That was back when I used to drink.

Threw a brick at its head.

- It's Terry I feel for, he was driving.

- Oh, look at him.

He's ashen.

Like he's had all the life drained out of him.

- Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

(Gemma sighs) - Okay?

Shall we get everyone on board?

- [Terry] Come on.

- [Mildred] Up you get, come on.

Up there, one, two, three, up!

(hand slaps) - [Marge] Oh!

- Nice to see you.

- And you.

Hi.

- Morning.

- Good morning.

- You're late.

- Hello.

Good morning.

- Um, I need the toilet.

- Look, Kevin, you've already been.

- Ah, gotcha.

- Yeah.

- Already been.

Right.

- No.

My brother has some memory problems.

He does things and he can't remember if he's done them at all.

- Tell me about it.

I've got an all inclusive holiday in Ibiza that's still a bit of a blur.

- Well, that's delightful.

(brochure crumpling) - Thank you.

(luggage clattering) (passengers murmuring) Before we get going, we've got a bit of rain forecast, so I will be handing out your complimentary Draper's Tours pac-a-macs.

- Yellow?

We're going to look jaundiced.

Mildred's just got over that.

- She's right.

The nurses said I was like a friendly lemon.

- [David] And so it begins!

(David laughs) - Mr. Van der Clane, I was getting a little worried about you.

I'm Gemma Draper, from Draper's Tours.

- Welcome aboard my four-wheeled chariot of mystery and intrigue.

Under my command, we shall see all of the locations described in my most popular books.

Who knows where it will take us?

- Well, we do actually have quite a detailed itinerary and Terry's got a satnav and everything.

- And who indeed knows if we will all make it to the end?

From the cathedral location, where I conceived my very first book, all the way to the scene of my most popular novel, the Blackpool Tower Ballroom itself.

- [Passengers] Ooh.

- Via some very reasonably priced cafes and gift shops that I am able to offer discount vouchers for, cash only, see me later.

And, of course, a copy of one of my books signed by my own fair hand, for a small fee.

(passengers applauding) - Garibaldis in the toilet looking a lot more appealing now, aren't they?

(Gemma chuckles) Come on, let's get going.

- Ben!

What the hell are you doing here?

- I bought a ticket for the tour.

- Bugger off.

- If it's trouble with a man, I've got a taser in my bag.

And Mildred here has got nunchucks.

- I still love you, Gem-Gem.

- Can you get away from our coach, please?

And by away, I mean at least 500 sodding meters, like the judge said, or I'm calling the police.

- Call the police?

Don't think so.

Your mum says if this tour goes badly like the others, you'll end up bankrupt.

- You talked to my mum?

- No, don't worry, it was just on Facebook, and I was pretending to be your niece.

- Ugh!

(pac-a-mac thuds) - Ow!

(Ben laughs) - Terry, shut the door and drive!

Quick, Terry!

(engine whirring) - Gemma?!

- Terry!

- Come on, Gemma!

(engine rumbling) - Terry, just drive!

A little less conversation, a little more action All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me A little more bite and a little less bark A little less fight and a little more spark Close your mouth and open up your heart And, baby, satisfy me Satisfy me, baby Baby close your eyes and listen to the music (speakers humming) Attention, please, ladies and gents.

After a slightly delayed start, we are now wending our merry way to Bartleby Cathedral, the site of our first murder, where, I believe, they have a wonderful tapestry of the crucifixion, so we'll be able to celebrate two fictional killings at the same time.

Any questions?

That aren't about my ex-boyfriend/stalker?

- You're losing the crowd.

(fingers snapping) Give it here.

(speakers squealing) Ta.

Welcome aboard.

I only have one rule while I'm driving and it's this, the toilet is not, and I cannot stress this enough, not for solids.

And yes, I'm talking to you, the Golden Girls.

Ta.

- You'll have no issues with me, young man.

The doctor gave me a bag for life.

- Thanks, Terry.

So sit back, enjoy the views, and I will be round with some complimentary snacks for you all momentarily.

- You'd better be.

And nothing spicy, mind.

If I'm to follow Terry's only rule, I'll need something that binds.

- Don't worry, Marge, I've brought hard boiled eggs for the rest of us.

These should bung us up good and proper.

(man groans) (man coughing) (Terry coughs) - Excuse me.

We were promised executive seating.

- Oh, they are all executive seats.

- Really?

There's what, I think, is a pork scratching down the side of mine.

- Why not try to think of it as an executive pork scratching?

- One other thing, do we have to sit across from these people?

They're like zombies in support tights.

- And what about us?

You've sat us over from this snotty woman and her ferret-faced husband.

- How did you hear that?

- I've got my hearing aid cranked right up, love, in case folk are talking about me.

(Mildred and Peggy chuckling) Anyway, what have we got to look at?

You, and that gormless lump.

- That is eavesdropping.

- Your husband's got a head like a sad potato.

It's not his fault, it's the way he's built.

I've got varicose veins you can see from space.

And Mildred here, she's got a hairy back.

- You said you wouldn't tell.

- And I am agoraphobic and claustrophobic, so I'm never really settled.

(wheelchair clatters) - You've put me in the wrong seat, Laura.

How can I enjoy the view from an aisle seat?

- I'm sorry, Moira, I got you in as far as I could.

I don't think I'm strong enough to get you all the way over to the window.

- So your puny body has once more ruined my day.

Honestly, if this coach were to crash, I wonder if you'd be able to rescue me at all.

- I would, Moira, I promise.

- Just lay there, dying, wondering where you and our weak arms were failing to drag me.

- Excuse me, ladies, are you in need of assistance?

Dr. James Groundling, pleasure to meet you.

- "Doctor," you say?

(Moira laughs) - Couldn't but overhear.

Might I be able to help?

Laura, wasn't it?

- Splendid.

Now, I might have to put my arms around you.

- Oh, right.

- But I assure you, nothing untoward will happen.

I always buy a lady at least a gin and tonic first.

- Oh, permission granted.

And I'll hold you to that gin and tonic.

(both chuckling) - You don't drink.

- Shut up.

(Moira laughs) - There you are.

- Oh, thank you so much.

- Pleasure.

- Would you like to- - No, no, I'm fine, thank you.

Thank you, ladies.

I'll see you later.

- See you later.

(gentle music) (brakes squealing) (bus hisses) - And please, no one forget where we've parked.

If you get left behind, you're on your own.

You'll just have to set up a life here for yourself.

(wheelchair rattling) - Oh.

Why is this cathedral not wheelchair accessible?

- Accessibility wasn't really an issue in the 15th century.

They didn't have you in mind when they built this place.

If they had, we'd be seeing an access ramp on a tapestry.

- I'll have you know this country was built by people exactly like me.

- What, postmenopausal killjoys with an attitude problem?

I doubt it, love.

They'd have burned you as a witch.

Or just for a bit of peace and quiet.

- She will eat those words.

- 'Course she will, Moira.

'Course she will.

(wheelchair clatters) - Leave me be.

- I heard the man on the coach behind us say he was a doctor.

I love a doctor.

- Snap your legs back together, Mildred, it's a coach trip, not Love Island.

- The doctor?

He's my brother.

At least I think he is.

- Ladies, you'll have to forgive Kevin here, had a knock on the head and he has some memory problems.

- Do I?

- Mm.

- Oh, that would explain a lot.

- [Group] Aw.

- My Derek had that.

Very forgetful.

But only when it came to birthdays, anniversaries, and not sleeping with my sister.

- Well, that's fascinating.

(gentle organ music) - Graham isn't it?

Hi, I'm Gemma.

Sorry we didn't get to meet on the coach.

Shall I put your bag back in the hold for you?

- Leave the bag!

- I'll leave it there.

- Graham, do you not want to come and look at the first murder site?

It's what you've paid for.

I'd hate for you to miss out and then see what you're like when you've got a grievance.

- No, I'll just sit here.

Calms me down.

Gives me a sense of purpose.

It's like I can hear God telling me what to do next.

- Lovely.

Right, well, we might just go.

You know, away.

- Murder!

- And I'm out.

If you need me, I'll be smoking outside.

With any luck, I'll set myself on fire.

- Here in this very cathedral, I came up with the idea of a murder so foul, so horrid, that it would leap from the page of one of my most popular books.

Take in the heavy silence, as I did.

Let it fill your soul.

Take a breath, let nothing distract you.

(cellphone ringing) "Number withheld."

Ah, it must be Hollywood.

- [Group] Ooh!

- Could you hold for just a second?

Have a look around, mine wasn't the only crime committed here.

Just there in the cloisters, six monks were beheaded by barbarians.

Sorry, yes, you were saying?

- So, let's meet back here in 20 minutes, shall we?

- Come on, girls, cameras out, dead monk selfie.

- [Mildred] Oh, yes.

- Right.

(Peggy chuckles) - Ooh.

(camera snaps) - This is nice.

Takes me back to our wedding day, Grace.

You were so beautiful.

- As beautiful as that blonde girl helping the woman in the wheelchair?

I saw you taking pictures of her with your phone.

Delete them, George, it's creepy.

- I've done no such thing, that's an awful thing to accuse someone of.

- George, now, please.

- Yes, dear, sorry, won't happen again.

(George sighs) (gentle music) - Oh!

Bloody hell, love.

Don't be lurking round corners, I'm looking for the lavatory and I'd prefer not to have a false start.

Ooh, nice Tupperware.

It's a lifesaver, isn't it?

(Marge yelps) (Marge groaning) (container clattering) - You left your phone on the coach.

It had a missed call on it, from someone cryptically saved as Bailiffs - don't answer.

Guess I'm not getting paid this month, am I?

- As soon as this trip is over, we're in the clear, trust me.

Let's just enjoy this place for a bit, eh?

So peaceful, isn't it?

(door opens) - Over here!

Come and see where the killing took place.

(gentle music) So, here we are, at the site of my very first murder in my very first book, "I Just Died in Your Psalms Tonight."

But who do we discover behind this very vestry door slumped in a chair with the life choked out of her?

- Lady Tewstock, after her torrid affair with Astrid, the bisexual chambermaid.

- Yes, very good, Grace.

Lady Tewstock, having been throttled using the sound of the church bells to hide the crime.

(bell tolls) And, as each bell tolled, so the life slipped further from the body of the lady of the manor.

(bell tolls) And everybody had gathered, as you know.

- Where's Marge?

- She's gone off on her own.

She does that sometimes.

She had a difficult birth with her third son and it's ruined her- (bell tolls) The doctor said he came out diagonally and on his way out, he got caught on the- (bell tolls) The doctor patched her up, but now the plumbing's all wrong.

So every time she picks up something heavy, she tends to have- (bell tolls) Oh, it's awful.

She had to redo her kitchen because of it.

- [David] Of what were to be 87 murders.

- Well, that's that cleared up, then.

- And the parishioners screamed with horror when they pushed open this door and they knew that devilment was afoot, and they had a murderer in their midst.

(door opens) (group screaming) (David screams) - [Peggy] Come on, Mildred, Marge wouldn't want tears.

You know how she hated emotion.

- Sorry, Peggy.

Oh, Marge, if you can hear me, I think you've died, love.

- Do you know what killed her?

- Classic heart attack, I'm afraid.

The discoloration of the face.

- No, she's always been quite a sallow woman.

If anything, she looked the healthiest she's looked in years.

Apart from the breathing, obviously.

- Well, a sudden flush postmortem isn't unusual, the blood rushes to the face, especially after the heart has stopped.

- No heart attack, asphyxiation.

Proper choked as well.

It were lodged right in there.

- She always was a gobbler.

(bag rustles) - Looks like a bap.

(bag rustles) Coronation chicken.

Which is weird 'cause that's what I was gonna have for my lunch.

Although, not now.

- I don't think these people are interested in what you're having for lunch, Phil.

- Right, sorry.

- Bye, Marge.

If you see the others, tell them we'll see them soon, eh?

- And I know you stole my brown shoes, Marge.

I know it.

- [Laura] Such a shame, so full of life.

- [Moira] Shut up.

- I lit a candle for Marjory.

- Oh, thank you.

- That'll be a pound, please.

- [Gemma] Oh.

- So, I suppose in the name of good taste, that's the tour canceled, then?

It's very sad when we lose a life, but we will, of course, be getting a full refund?

- Refunds?

Grace, darling, our hearts are sad and there is only one cure for sadness.

- Time.

We should reschedule for later in the year.

- Not time.

Fun.

So, if we can, with solemnity and due respect, make our way back to the coach.

Our next exciting destination awaits us.

(gentle music) - Oh, girls.

If you want me to organize transport back to the home, then it's on me.

I know what David said back there, but I could sort your refunds in the morning?

- Refunds?

Transport?

No thank you.

We're on the run.

- On the run?

From who?

- From the home.

We broke out.

- We're absconding, like Thelma and Louise.

We were two Thelmas and a Louise, but one of the Thelmas just got taken away in a body bag.

- There's guidelines we have to follow.

- Please, let us finish the trip, for Marge.

- Well, they are only guidelines.

- Oh.

- Oh!

(Peggy chuckles) - Oh.

- Oh!

- Hey, get off!

- Thank you.

- Go on.

We are now people smugglers.

Old people smugglers.

- Mm, call the police.

- We might have to.

Woman in a book gets throttled, then woman on a book tour chokes.

- Yeah, my murder mystery tour is that good, we have actual murders on it.

Get a hold of yourself.

- I better had, before somebody else gets hold of me.

Come back, Joanna Lumley, all is forgiven.

(speakers humming) - Right, we've all had a shock and our hearts go out to Mildred and Peggy for the loss of their friend.

But as is the British way, we're gonna get our heads down, crack on, and finish the tour.

- Yay!

(David chuckles) Too soon?

Okay.

- But if anyone doesn't want to continue with the tour, just let me know now.

(gentle piano music) (gentle piano music continues) (gentle piano music continues) (Gemma sighs) Right, we can't have this atmosphere the whole way.

(speakers squealing) Attention, everyone.

We'll be at Mollin Gorge by lunchtime.

I think we should address what's happened.

Sadly, Marge is no longer with us.

- "Sadly."

- You watch your mouth.

Or I'll cut you up.

I've got a fruit knife on this keyring.

- And so, as this trip was one of great importance to her, something she wanted to do before she died- - I feel it appropriate that I, her favorite author, should lead us all in a prayer.

(speakers squealing) - Or perhaps we could lift our spirits with a good old fashioned singsong, eh?

99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer Take one down, pass it around 99 bottles of beer on the wall 98 bottles of - George, no.

98 bottles of beer Take one down, pass it around 98 bottles of beer on the wall 97 bottles of beer on the wall - [Gemma] Come on, everyone.

43 bottles of beer on the wall 43 bottles of beer Take one down, pass it around 43 bottles of beer E-I-E-I-O With a neigh here and neigh there Here a neigh, there a neigh Everywhere a neigh Old McDonald had Moo here, a moo there Here a moo, there a moo Everywhere a moo moo Old McDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes Yee-haw She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes - Right, we're here.

Come on, everybody off.

(passengers chattering) Well, at least if this doesn't work out, you know you can always call "X Factor," can't you?

(wheelchair rattling) - [Doc] Oh, no.

Kevin.

- I decided to use this place of beauty and its fabulously high gorge in my second novel, "Push Comes to Shove Comes to Bloodshed."

- Shall we get to the gorge?

I'd like to take a picture of myself pretending to throw Grace over it, as in the book.

(Grace chuckles) - Well, let's hope it's just pretend, eh?

- No.

- The crime took place at the very top of the ravine, at the edge of a dramatic precipice, where you are able to pay a nominal fee for a picture with me.

But feel free to explore the area, it has some lovely viewing platforms.

- Top of the ravine?

Walking that with my bunions?

It's a suicide mission.

No thank you, we'll stay in the cafe, have a little wake for Marge.

Come on.

- Look, can we get on, please?

I would like to do a painting of the view to go with my collection, and the light is changing.

- Oh, hang on.

The watercolors, they aren't there.

- So you forgot to pack them?

You only had two things to do today, massage my hernia and pack the watercolors.

- Yes, Moira, I did check when we were on the coach, but then- - But, but nothing.

You've left them on the coach.

Consider this a verbal warning, and I have witnesses.

- Uncomfortable witnesses.

- [Moira] How many is that now?

- 12, Moira.

12 verbal warnings.

Three in front of people and nine in front of the cats.

- Leave her alone.

She made a mistake, anyone can have a slip of judgment sometimes.

And before you know it, anything can happen.

- I will talk to my staff exactly as I please.

And perhaps if you'd tried a little bit harder in life, you would have someone you could discipline.

Or at least join you on this trip, instead of that sad-looking bag that you cling to so dearly.

Now return to the coach and fetch me my watercolors and I'll meet you by the gorge painting spot.

- [Laura] Could you open the coach, please?

- [Terry] You all right, love?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm all right.

When she's like this, it's best not to push her too far.

Could you open the coach for me?

- Yeah, all right, doesn't lock anyway.

I mean, it doesn't lock with a key.

I've got an app, obviously.

Very high tech, works remotely.

By the time you get there, it'll be open, I guarantee it.

(gentle music) - Oh, back in an hour, everyone.

(gentle music continues) (Moira grunting) - Oh!

Thank goodness you're back.

It was hardly worth it, I'm nearly where I need to be anyway.

Just stop me over there.

Laura?

Where are you going?

Is that you?!

Oh.

Oh!

(yelps) We're too close to the edge!

(Moira screams) (dramatic music) - It was just a sad accident, girls.

- [Terry] Or was it?

- Choking?

Not a way to go.

And on coronation chicken as well.

Ironic, given how much she hated the queen.

- So hang on.

- And mind nothing spicy.

If I'm to follow Terry's only rule, I'll need something that binds.

- So she wouldn't have eaten it anyway, would she?

- Ugh.

- So how could she end up choking on it?

- What are you thinking?

- Ugh, ignore him, girls, Terry's letting his mind run away with him.

Terry, Marge died because she was old, and that is what old women do.

- Well, thanks for the reminder, love.

- So, are you saying Marge was the victim of foul play?

- I'm not saying she wasn't.

- She wasn't, girls, I promise.

Everything is fine.

- [Doc] Gemma!

- [Gemma] Is everything fine?

- Yes.

- Good.

- No, I'm afraid not.

Moira's dead.

- Oh, yes, yes, that.

Yes, sorry, um, no.

- What's happened?

(mysterious music) (police radio chattering) - [Peggy] Such a shame, isn't it?

- I know.

They could've used these foil blankets for people who were just finishing a marathon, couldn't they?

- She was fine when we last saw her.

Well, I mean, bitching and moaning, but, relatively speaking, she was being a delight.

- George is right.

She only called me a gold-digger twice.

- So you were the last ones to see her alive, then?

- What are you suggesting?

- I'm suggesting nothing.

- I feel to blame, I should've stayed with her, it's just that Kevin wanted to see the drop from the gorge and I couldn't deny him his moment.

- Ooh, is there a gorge?

- Mm.

- Oh, we should go and see it.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- So you can't confirm your whereabouts either?

- Oh, I can't confirm anything.

Can I?

- No.

- Yes.

- Well, I was waiting for George and Grace, who were supposed to be having a photo with me at the eastern most clifftop.

A photo that, I feel I must point out, I still haven't been paid for.

- Well, I feel I must point out, that means we don't know where you were either.

- Hello, folks.

PC Alec Collins.

Just gonna take a few details off you.

So, we are looking for next of kin.

Hands up, next of kin.

- Well, I'm her emergency contact, so I suppose it's me.

- And you are, Miss... - Laura Bishop.

- Does she not have any family?

- Well, she had a sister in Blackpool, but they didn't really speak because, you know, of how Moira was with people.

- Oh, yeah.

- Mm-hm.

- But we were gonna drop by while we were in Blackpool so that Moira could have an argument with her.

- Well, Lord knows how she got to the top of that hill.

- She was very strong.

- She did tell us that hills weren't that much of a problem.

- That'll explain it, then.

We found a bit of brake assembly for her wheelchair at the top of the hill.

It probably failed her and off she popped.

It seems that our culprit was our old friend gravity.

(Laura cries) - Oh.

- Well, look, I'm sorry, miss.

You get on with your trip and if we need anything, we'll just be in touch with Miss Draper here.

Sorry for your loss, miss.

Would you like me to organize you a lift home?

- I don't suppose I've got a home any more.

I live with Moira and she made it clear that the moment she died, I was out the door.

Said I could leave my keys on her coffin at her funeral.

Suppose I'll just get her things to her sister in Blackpool.

- We will be there tomorrow, Laura.

If you want to stay with us, we're happy to take you there.

- Oh, might be nice.

None of you shout at me or throw spoons.

Moira used to love throwing spoons at me.

- Oh, shush now.

I'll throw the first spoon I see at you, love.

(Laura laughs) (gentle music) - [Terry] And that's that, is it?

- [PC Collins] What's what?

- This is our second fatality.

- Oh, yes, the old lady who choked.

Bartleby lot haven't done the autopsy yet, but, from the sounds of it, I think you're just having a run of bad luck, mate.

- A run of bad luck?

I'll be driving that thing on my bloody own at this rate.

We're losing passengers faster than the Titanic.

I'm telling you, something's afoot.

- Oh.

It's "afoot," is it?

Shall I phone that into headquarters?

"Hello, Chief Inspector, some shabby little coach driver thinks he's Miss Marple.

Can you send the 'afoot' squad down?"

- All I'm saying is, maybe you could have a nose around.

Investigate.

Try doing some actual police work?

- Well, I could start by giving your coach the once over, if you like?

See how many violations you can rack up in one sitting.

- There's nothing wrong with my coach.

- Really?

If I so much as waved an MOT at it, it would burst into tears and beg for mercy.

Now, go on, bugger off.

(car door opens) (car door closes) - Yeah?

Well, for your information, the MOT on that coach is pending.

(gentle music) (pac-a-mac clatters) - Terry, I think you might be right.

This is getting weird, isn't it?

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound - It is now.

- Oh, well, it's a sing-song of sorts, I suppose.

Let's get going, shall we?

- Don't worry, I know two dead passengers is unusual, but I'll keep an eye out.

And trust me, nothing gets past me.

(engine whirring) (engine rumbling) Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me (gentle music) - [Gemma] And welcome to Clesperley Manor, our luxury hotel.

As long as you don't look too closely on Trip Adviser.

- [Grace] We asked for a superior room.

- [George] Oh, does it matter?

- Yes, it does.

(George sighs) (Grace sighs) - And please, please, please- - Oh, mind yourself.

- Miss.

(door opens) Nobody go anywhere!

It's a lovely summer's evening, let's gather for a drink, before tonight's murder mystery dinner begins.

A unique event, where each of you will dress as a murderer from one of my novels.

Costumes provided.

A league of villains, but who, who is the cruelest killer of them all?

- Um, it's quite poor taste, isn't it, given everything that's happened?

- [Kevin] Oh, dear, what, has something happened?

- I agree, it's poor taste, but David did point out that it is in his contract with Draper's Literary Tours that we do this, so... - Well, as long as my costume comes with a bulletproof vest, I'm happy.

- We've had a rough day.

I'd be the first to admit that.

But let's remember why we're here, to celebrate my literature.

And isn't that the best way to take our minds off today's unfortunate accidents?

- Even though those accidents happened in all the same places that are referenced in your books?

Isn't that like celebrating D-Day with a beach party?

- It could be fun.

- Indeed, Grace.

And, in the light of today's troubles, I'm going to do all this at reduced cost.

- Heart of gold, this one.

Best tell Bob Geldof he's got competition.

- Is that ax the inspiration for the beheading in "Ax Me No Questions, I'll Tell You Who Dies"?

- Yes.

Laura, well-sleuthed.

I didn't know you were a fan as well as poor Moira?

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I know them inside out.

She used to make me read them to her.

Said I had the voice of a soothing pit woman.

- Ah.

So, to your rooms, we shall reconvene in the piano bar.

And no hanky-panky when you're all dressed up.

These costumes have to go back on Monday, and there is a soiling charge.

- Lovely.

(gentle piano music) - It's a gold Boots Advantage card.

They don't just give these to anybody.

Do you have any idea how many three for twos I had to buy to get this?

I've got enough Pantene to last the apocalypse.

- Remarkable.

- Really?

- Oh, I know who you're dressed as, Doc.

You're the killer conman who pretends to be a doctor from "A Murder in Hand is Worth Two in the Grave."

Sound familiar?

- Well, I mean, I- - And I am either a motorbiker or a gay man.

Or both.

- Nobody draw attention to Mildred, she's worryingly on display.

- Right.

I think you're done, just don't turn around without telling me first, or we might have to redo your coverage.

(Mildred chuckles) - [Terry] There you go.

- Thank you.

- Guinness.

Even asked them to put a shamrock on top of it.

Well, I asked for a shamrock.

That's looking more like Donald Trump.

(both chuckling) - Look, could you do me another favor?

- Yeah.

Anything.

Name it.

- Stop scaring the passengers, eh?

- Oh, come on.

You said yourself you thought something strange was happening.

Two bodies at the first two murder locations?

- Or two accidents and one coach driver with a rampant imagination.

If this falls apart, it's the end of Draper's Tours.

- Look, we'll get through all this.

We'll complete the tour, pay the bailiffs, everything's gonna be fine.

Nobody is in danger.

(Mildred screams) - Oh.

What is it, Mildred?

- It's David, he's out there.

- [Peggy] Oh, goodness.

- No!

David!

Clubbed to death on a patio, just like in his own book, "Clubbed to Death on a Patio."

- [Gemma] Doc, help him!

- I'm afraid he's dead.

(David groans) - Afraid not.

Great diagnosis, Doc.

Come on, give me a hand with Lazarus here.

- Yes.

Yes!

The paparazzi will have a field day if they see me like this, Gemma.

- Come on.

- We're in Yorkshire, David.

Round here, they think paparazzi is a pizza topping.

- [David] Right, okay.

- [Doc] Okay, go ahead, that's it.

- Oh.

- That's it.

(David groans) Now, slowly, into the chair, into the...

Slowly, David, slowly.

- Thank you.

- There you are.

(David sighing) - I just went outside to phone my agent in LA.

The next thing I knew, I was on the floor and Doc was standing over me, calling me back from the dead with his healing hands.

- You've had a fright, David.

Here, get a whisky inside you.

- Is it complimentary?

- David, give her the four quid.

- And where have you been?

Mr. Misery Guts with your sad little backpack.

Graham did this.

It's obvious.

He's the only one without an alibi.

Oh, my god.

I bet he was the one that pushed Moira off that gorge as well.

- What are you on about?

I was in the cigar room smoking, trying to get a moment's peace away from you, you shrill, stuck-up harpy.

(Grace gasps) - Can we all calm down, please?

- Oh, she won't, not when she's like this.

It's like the John Lewis sale all over again.

- Look in his bag.

I bet there's a blood-soaked weapon in there.

- Get off.

Get off!

(group screaming) (urn clatters) Karen!

- Oh, who do you think Karen is, then?

- I'm guessing wife or girlfriend.

- Yes.

My wife.

My dead wife.

My Karen.

- Oh, poor thing.

- I knew a Karen once, she's dead too.

- She was my wife and her dying wish was to go on one of these tours with that knob-head- (David coughs) Because she loved his books.

- I may have made an error.

- Yeah, here we go, lovely, we'll help you put Karen back in her pot.

- Thank you.

- Oh, did she have kidney stones, dear?

- No.

- Oh, it's probably just a dry-roasted peanut.

(Peggy chuckles) - What are we gonna do?

You're the tour guide, you're supposed to be looking after us.

We are under attack.

- Right.

Look, right, everybody, we'll, um...

Right, we'll- - Gemma, I'll deal with this.

Now, I don't want to panic anyone, but I think all our lives are in danger.

(group gasping) I'm gonna call that copper.

Hopefully, he'll take me seriously this time.

See if that bloody "afoot" squad believes me now, yeah?

- Just think, the murderer could be watching us now.

- I wish I'd known I was being spied on, I'd have put in my good teeth.

(leaves rustling) (gentle music) (group murmuring) - Where have you been?

I've got a group of terrified people here.

And I've been worried about you.

- I'm sorry.

Got stuck on hold.

Bloody PC Collins.

Right.

Gather round, everyone.

I've finally spoken to our friendly policeman who says he's coming taking statements in the morning, because, apparently, all we've got is two accidents and an assault.

And that's not classed as a high priority.

If we were Corrie, we'd be a one-hour special.

So what we're gonna do, until they start taking me seriously, is this, Gemma and me are gonna walk all of you to your rooms.

Once you're in there, you lock the door and you don't let anybody in.

Got that?

Right.

Come on.

Chop-chop.

- Terry's right, come on, everyone.

- [Doc] What about the CCTV?

Did that not catch the assailant?

- Ah, yeah, I don't want to worry you, but I spoke to reception earlier and, apparently, the wires to the camera were cut a few days ago.

- What?

- Well, thank you for the non-worrying bedtime story, Terry.

- This is us.

Goodnight everyone.

- [David] Goodnight!

- And, Graham, once again, I'm very sorry.

- I can imagine you are.

- Oh, I'd take her apology, Graham, they don't come very often.

She once broke my mother's nose, I've still not seen a scrap of remorse.

- Oh, George, that was a hairline fracture at most.

- Laura?

If you don't want to be alone tonight, we're more than happy for you to come in and share with us.

- George, this is why that woman from HR had to have a word with you at work.

Stop it.

- Yes, dear.

- Goodnight, everyone.

- Kevin and I will be here.

If you ladies need anything, just holler.

I'm a very light sleeper.

- I have literally no idea what's going on.

(Doc chuckles) - Right, well, this is me.

- Would you like one of us to sleep in with you, Laura?

- Ah, no, I'll be all right.

Sleep well, girls.

(door opens) - Oh, Gemma, dear, if we die in the night, I'd just like to say this is the best adventure we've ever had.

- [Gemma] Oh.

Oh!

- Oh.

Oh.

- Goodnight, girls.

- Night night.

- [Terry] Night.

All right?

- So, do you want to come in?

- Oh.

Yeah.

(lock clicks) (door opens) (light switch clicks) Suppose I could have a check around, then I'll go and sleep in my bunk on the coach.

I don't suppose the murderer will brave getting in there.

- Mm.

- I've got a fortnight's worth of dirty undercrackers kicking around on it somewhere.

(Terry chuckles) Oh.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, god, I've just read this all wrong.

Just that when you took charge tonight, I saw you in a totally different light.

- No, it's just- - And I know we work together, and, oh, maybe I've read the signals wrong, but I thought you liked me.

And I just saw you as some sort of aimless loser.

- Thanks?

- Like the last person on earth I'd ever be attracted to.

- Oh, well, don't spare my feelings.

- I mean, I need someone who knows what they want and goes for it, you know, and I guess I saw that in you earlier and- - I do know what I want.

(helmet thuds) I've been sitting next to it on my coach for the past six years.

And if some nutter thinks he's taking that away from me, he's got another think coming.

He can kill my passengers- - I'd really prefer if he didn't.

- But he'll have to get through me first if he wants to get anywhere near you.

- Are we doing it now?

Are we kissing?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Good.

Begin.

(gentle music) (crickets chirping) (camera clicks) (camera whirs) (gentle guitar music) (Grace snoring) (gentle music) When the day is done Down to earth, then sinks the sun Along with everything that was lost and won When the day is done When the day is done (lid clatters) Hopes so much, your race will be all run Then you find you jumped the gun Have to go back where you begun When the day is done When the night is cold Some get by, but some get old Just to show life's not made of gold When the night is cold When the bird has flown Got no one to call your own Got no place to call your home When the bird has flown (gentle music continues) (Kevin sighs) - Oh, hello.

So you couldn't sleep either, then?

Do you know, I'm sure we were supposed to stay in bed.

Something in the back of my mind, but I'm buggered if I can remember what it was.

Yes, I know what you're thinking, bad habit.

They'll kill me in the end, won't they?

(ax rasps) Oh, that's why I was supposed to stay in bed.

Okay.

Oh, well, do you mind if I just smoke one last cigarette?

(ax rasps) (head clatters) (gentle music) - Hi.

- Hey.

- [Gemma] How long have you been awake?

- About an hour.

Just been lying here, staring at you.

And occasionally wiping dribble off your bottom lip.

- Romantic and creepy.

Well done.

- Well, you're a dribbler.

Never would've expected it from such a dainty wee lady.

(Gemma chuckles) - Well, that's rich, coming from such an apologetic lover.

- Yeah, you know, you look like that and I look like... - Aw.

Come on, then, round two.

And unapologetically this time, please.

(door knocking) - Oh, for.... - Who is it?

- [Doc] It's Doc.

- Is everything all right?

- [Doc] Not quite, um, well, I can't find Kevin.

- If he's alive, I'll kill him myself.

- Kevin!

- Kevin!

Yoo-hoo, Kevin!

- [David] Kevin!

- Kevin!

- Kevin!

- [Mildred] Oh, you've got a glow on you, Gemma.

- [Gemma] Thanks, Mildred.

- You've had the unmentionable, haven't you?

- Kevin!

- Kevin!

- Oh, it's years since I had the unmentionable.

When I get excited, I'm a bit of a grabber.

Puts a lot of men off.

- Kevin!

- [Mildred] Kevin!

- Oh, my god.

Who would do this?

- This is no accident.

Heads don't just fall off.

- Oh, Kevin.

Call a doctor.

- I thought you were a doctor?

- Of course I'm not a sodding doctor, you stupid woman!

Now, please, somebody call an ambulance!

(Gemma yelps) (Laura yelps) - Think an ambulance might be a bit optimistic.

George, call the police.

- Not a doctor?

- No.

And Kevin is...

He's not my brother.

You see, years ago, I was a conman, defrauding ladies like Mildred and Peggy here.

I'd just finished a job and I stepped out into the road without looking.

And Kevin knocked me away from an oncoming car and the car hit him.

It was hit and run.

Just like that.

- Did it kill him?

- No.

He lived.

That's why he was able to join me on this trip.

- I see.

- But he was badly injured and before I knew it, there was an ambulance there and then a policeman, and well, I panicked.

I didn't want to give them my real details.

I'd be rumbled pretty quickly, so I said I was his brother.

And then when he woke up in hospital, he didn't know who he was or where he was from, and the nurses told him I was family, and he believed them.

I couldn't tell Kevin the truth, I'm the only thing in his life that he can cling to.

- Could, Doc.

Could cling to.

Past tense now.

- [Terry] Oh.

- What?!

- Oh.

- I am a writer, language is my tool, I can't see it used poorly.

- Funnily enough, the only thing he had on him at the time of the accident was one of your books.

It was signed, "To Kevin," which is why we came.

- A true tragedy.

Just as in my seventh novel, ironically called "The Beheading of the Fool."

- Shut up, you.

We've got someone decapitated here, not the someone I might have preferred it being.

- What are we going to do?

What are we going to do?

He could be anywhere, this murderer.

- Police said they'd be as quick as possible, but there's been a sheep wagon rolled over in Skipton.

Reckon it could be a couple of hours until the excitement dies down and they can get to us.

- We could wait for them, or, bearing in mind I have been right about this all along, we could handle this ourselves, starting with sacking off the next location.

- The Oswaldtwistle Flask Museum?

- Scene of my seminal classic, "Chalice Through the Killing Glass"?

- Shut it, David.

The killer will be there waiting for us.

I propose, instead, we go to the end of the tour.

The Ballroom at Blackpool Tower.

By the time the murderer has figured out that we're not coming, we can be lying in wait.

Then bang, we catch him.

- What if the killer is one of us?

- Looking round here, I don't see a gang of potential murderers.

I see a group of people that I'm amazed can function in modern society.

There's not a single person here with the first clue about setting something up this intelligent.

- Aw, thank you for believing in us, Terry.

- Oh, it might be dangerous, ladies.

- If he tries to kill us, at least we'll be in the papers.

- I have no objection.

Karen wanted it all to end in Blackpool anyway.

- George?

Grace?

You can come with us.

Either that or you can wait here for two hours on your own.

- Well, yes, if you put it like that.

- Sounds dangerous, Grace, dear.

- George, we're going to Blackpool to catch a murderer.

- Right, then, let's get on the coach and get out of here.

Grab your bags, now.

Come on.

Chop-chop.

- [Gemma] But make sure you pay your room service bill before we leave.

- [Peggy] And grab as many little shampoos as you can.

(gentle music) (cellphone beeping) (line rings) - [Operator] Hello?

Blackpool Police.

What would you like to report?

- [Hooded Figure] Murder.

(bag clatters) - Oh, wait, can I just nip to the loo before we go?

- We haven't got time.

Go on the coach.

- But it'll break your only rule.

(bag clatters) - Sometimes, love, rules are meant to be broken.

- Oh.

(bag clatters) (door closes) - Come on, Doc, just you left now.

- Well, I think I'll stay here with Kevin, thank you.

- That would be dangerous.

We don't know where the maniac is yet.

- Well, then I'll stay and wait for my fate.

It's no more than I deserve for the things I've done.

And maybe it'll slow down the scoundrel that's doing all this.

Give you time to get to Blackpool.

Kevin loved Blackpool.

Well, he didn't, but I told him he did.

Goodbye.

- Oh.

- Oh.

And drive carefully.

- Thanks, Doc.

- Yeah.

- Listen, I can't promise you we'll all get through this, but I can promise you I'm gonna find out who's behind it all.

- You're really taking the bull by the horns today, aren't you?

- Yeah.

I am.

Now, come on, let's go.

(upbeat music) Right, listen up!

We're gonna be going like the clappers, so you might want to cling onto each other.

I wouldn't put much faith in the seatbelts.

They are there more for show than anything.

So, Blackpool, as fast as we can.

(upbeat music continues) Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone when the morning comes For when the night is over Like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone, gone, gone Well, like a bat out of hell I'll be gone when the morning comes But when the day is done and the sun goes down And the moonlight's shining through Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven I told you I'd get us here.

- Mm, I can smell chips.

- The four most beautiful words in the English language.

Eh, up, there's the carpark we're after.

I think things are looking up for us after all.

- Terry!

(tires screeching) (officers shouting) - Stop!

- Police!

Open the door!

- Okay.

- Off, off!

- Get off!

- Get off!

- Move!

- Okay, show me your hands!

Show me your hands!

Get off!

(police radio chattering) - Anger issues!

- Get over there.

Get up against there.

- You're under arrest for murder.

- I didn't kill anyone.

(handcuffs clicking) - Thought you'd get away with it, didn't you?

The old double bluff.

Pretending to be concerned about these people dying when it was you who was bumping them off all along.

- Haven't bumped anyone off.

I'm a nice bloke, me, ask anyone.

Hey, ask Joanna Lumley.

(Terry groans) - You're coming with us.

I need to ask you a few questions about the murder of Marge Grimshaw, Moira Coliston, and Kevin... We still don't know his surname yet, but Kevin.

- What's going on?

Why are you arresting Terry?

- Looks like we may have found your murderer, ma'am.

- Terry?

No, he can't be.

- I'm afraid so.

We had a tip off this morning from an anonymous source, saw him kill Kevin.

- It wasn't me, Gemma, I promise.

- I knew it was him.

Those eyes, too beady, like a fat shark.

- Take him away lads.

- Hang on.

Gem?

- You've all had a very lucky escape, but we will need you to come down the station and make some statements.

- Oh, you'll get nothing out of me, copper.

I'm no grass.

You'll have to strip search me.

- Look, I've done nothing, for most of my life.

Just ask anyone who knows me.

- But our source says they saw you murder this Kevin bloke.

Well, that's hardly nothing, is it?

Unless you can prove to me you were somewhere else.

- Gemma.

Ask Gemma.

- I can testify as to his whereabouts last night.

He was with me.

We slept together.

- There you go, then.

Alibi.

- Afraid not, mate.

And you were awake all night?

So you know exactly where he was.

- Well, no, when I woke up he said he'd been awake for about an hour.

Just watching me, he said.

Oh, no, that doesn't sound good, does it?

- She was dribbling.

She's a dribbler!

Come to think of it, I'd like to see my lawyer, now.

- You're in luck, he's already here.

- What?

(door knocking) (door opens) - Well, look at this, then.

(Barry chuckles) (door closes) I'm Gemma's cousin, Barry, by the way, and I shall be your legal representative.

(Barry sighs) Murder.

(chuckles) Bit different to the usual speeding tickets I do, but let's give it our best go.

Let's give it our best go, and that's all we can do really, isn't it?

Right, then, why did you do it?

- I didn't do it.

- Well, I was speaking with PC Collins here, and he and I are pretty convinced you did.

So, I think we all find ourselves in a little bit of a pickle, don't we?

(chuckles) - Oh, yes, we do.

There you go, bit of light reading for your cell.

Thought you might like it.

(door opens) (door closes) - It's all over, isn't it?

I mean what's Gemma gonna do now?

A new driver will want wages.

And a coach that's insured.

I'm not having it, I want my phone call.

- Ah, I've already used it for you.

But, on the upside, I did use it to order pizza, so I hope you've brought your appetite, because you'll not be getting pizza in prison.

(laughs) - Officer, you have my number.

- Yeah, your number, your agent's number, your email address, and your Facebook page.

- [David] Right, then.

Onward to the ballroom.

- I think the tour's over, David.

I think I need to stay here and see what happens with Terry.

- Even I'm losing the will.

- Nonsense.

The ballroom is the finale.

We're safe now our real life murderer is in custody.

- Terry's not the murderer.

I've known him for years, he's not like that.

He's just helping the police with their inquiries, which is perfectly normal.

And often ends well.

- There'll be champagne.

- It all feels in poor taste.

- David, it's over.

I'm calling it a day, I'm sorry everyone.

Sorry.

- Now, look here, missy.

I have a contract with your company that states, quite plainly, that the final destination of this itinerary is the Blackpool Tower Ballroom.

Now, you will either help me get these good people up there right now, or, so help me God, I shall sue you so heavily that you'll have the homeless looking down at you.

Do you understand?

(gentle music) (door opens) (Ben sighs) - Blackpool.

Gemma, you will drag me to these romantic places.

- [David] Come on, keep up!

What I've got planned is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

- Well, this had better be good, we've walked past four bingo halls and I've not gone in.

It's against my better nature.

I can feel those balls calling me!

- [David] And ahead, our final destination!

- Evidence.

They didn't have any evidence.

DNA, motive, none of that.

Pretty good of you to ask them about that, I had nothing.

So, looks like you'll get away with it.

- Get away with... Get away with what?

Didn't do anything.

- And the more you keep up that kind of performance, the more chance we have of getting you off.

- A fat lot of good you was.

Where did you go to law school?

- Well, not school per se, more of an online course.

Dead easy, you can do it in your spare time.

They've got loads of subjects.

I'm also a qualified dentist.

Sort of, yeah.

- I've got to find Gemma.

- Listen, make sure you stay in Blackpool though, they might want to ask you more questions.

Give you time to rehearse all that "oh, I didn't do it" routine though.

(chuckles) - I'm not going anywhere, mate.

I've got to find the bloke who's trying to kill my passengers.

- Nice.

Method acting, that's the way to go!

Really inhabit the part of the innocent man!

(chuckles) (gentle music) - In a moment, we will raise a toast, not only to our fallen comrades, but also to the books that brought us all together.

But first, let me take you through some additional merchandise available today at rock bottom prices.

Now, first of all, we have the full set of books read by me.

(seagulls squawking) - What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here, more like.

You're supposed to be in jail.

- How do you know that?

- I called the police.

Told them that you were the killer.

- So you tried to frame me?

You're the sodding murderer, aren't you?

- I'll murder you for touching my Gem-Gem.

- Oh, come on, then.

- You come on, then.

- No, you come on, then.

I'm right here, do something.

- I will do something.

- Come on, then, bring it.

- I brought it, don't you worry.

Packed it, brought it, and you're about to get it.

- So where is it, then?

- Right here.

But I must warn you, I've had four karate lessons.

- And I must also warn you, I've seen every single Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, including "Kung Fu Panda 2" and "Kung Fu Panda 3," in which, admittedly, he's just a voice.

But he's still in the credits.

- Then let battle commence.

(Ben groans) Not the ears!

(Terry grunts) We never said the ears were allowed!

- You're not gonna kill me like you killed all the others.

- Killer?

I'm not a killer.

A voyeur, yes, a stalker, certainly, but I'm not a murderer.

- You bloody are.

You choked Marge, you shoved Moira off of that gorge, and you beheaded Kevin.

And you knocked out David.

Which I'm not actually that bothered about.

- I did not do any of those things.

And I can prove it.

The odd nibble on the earlobe, she used to love that.

- She still does.

Just not by you.

Get to the point.

- Hang on.

I'll rewind.

(camera whirring) Here we go.

Your man David.

- So you're stalking David as well?

- No.

He just came outside, so I did some test footage with him.

You know, check the exposure and all that, for when I was filming you two.

Biggest problem for a stalker, really, picture quality.

That and the restraining orders.

- [Terry] So this is when he was attacked?

- [Ben] It is.

- So you've got the attacker on tape, the real murderer?

- Oh, yes.

- Hang on, so he attacked himself?

So we wouldn't suspect him of anything.

He's the bloody lunatic who's been killing everyone.

- Yeah.

Some people, eh?

Disgusting.

- So why didn't you call the police about him?!

- Because he didn't kiss my Gemma.

- Yeah, but now David's been allowed to walk off with a whole coach load full of passengers, including, my possibly future, and your definite ex-girlfriend.

- That hasn't work out, has it?

- And now they're on their way to the ballroom so he can do who knows what to them.

- Oh.

- Yes, "Oh."

Now, come on, we have to go and rescue Gemma.

The police have got the keys to the coach, so we're gonna have to run.

Come on!

- No!

Why don't we just get an Uber?

Okay, I'll run, I'll run.

- And so let us raise a toast, not only to the fallen, but also in celebration of those who survived.

Some might say outwitted the evil intentions of Terry the coach driver.

- He's in his element, isn't he?

- Yes.

I need the toilet.

Girls together?

We could freshen up.

- Hm, I think we'll have time for a mani-pedi at this rate.

(both panting) - Sorry.

Oh, not the ears again, not the ears!

Ow, ow, ow!

(door opens) (both panting) - Murderer.

- And creepy stalker man.

- No, no.

Well, he is still a stalker.

But I'm not the murderer.

- He's not, he's not the killer.

- David.

David's the murderer.

- Me?

How dare you!

- Ben filmed him at the hotel.

He hit himself on the head.

He faked his own attempted murder!

- I did not!

- I've got you on film, pal.

As clear as every shot I've got of Gemma through her bathroom window.

No!

Stop!

- Get him!

(lively music) - [Laura] It's a shame about Terry.

- [Gemma] Oh, Terry's not the one doing this, Laura.

I'm sure of it.

- Oh, you can see he's not the type.

- Mind you, if he was, he would fit in with the succession of nutters I've gone out with over the years.

There's Ben, my stalker.

Before him was Chris, he stole from my purse.

Oh, and, of course, Andy, kept calling me by his mother's name, even when we were in bed.

Then exclusively when we were in bed.

(Laura chuckles) (lively music) (door opens) (objects clattering) (clasp clicks) (lively music continues) - [David] How are there no other ways out of here?

- Well, because, David, this is where they keep the chairs.

And me and these chairs have something in common.

- What?

- We both know a tired, old asshole when we see one.

Nearly got away with it, didn't you, bringing everyone here for your last murder?

Thanks to this book the police gave me, I'm one step ahead of you.

"Toxic Tango in the Butcher's Ballroom"?

You poisoned the champagne, just like in the book.

It looks like I got here in time to stop you before anybody drank it.

- Oh, god.

- What?

- I drank the champagne, while you were telling us David was the murderer.

- While I was telling you he was the killer, you drank something that he'd given you?

- Well, you can't waste champagne.

It's like expensive Prosecco.

Oh, my god.

I've been poisoned.

George!

- Grace.

- I can feel it.

It's already in me.

- Oh, Grace, I love you.

I can't let you go without you knowing the things I've done.

- No, you've done nothing but love me, George.

- No, Grace, I've been a bad man.

- This is about to get interesting.

- The cleaner, Grace, I'm so sorry.

I did pay her to do those things to me.

- Oh, George, I forgive you.

- [George] And the cleaner's son, who used to do the gardens- - Yes, George?

Is he actually your son?

- No, God, no.

I've been buying cannabis off him and putting it in your muesli.

- But why, George, why?

- Just to calm you down, because if I didn't, I'd have killed you myself by now.

- But why George, why?

- Because of all your rules.

No mouth kissing until I've brushed and flossed, no drinking 'cause you think my laugh becomes nasal.

(Grace gurgling) - I don't mean to rain on your parade, but I want to make it clear, I poisoned no one.

- What?

- Oh, great, she's fine.

- You don't worry about getting a man, Gemma.

(lock clicks) (door opens) - Oh, I know.

What's the alternative?

I mean, I know what the alternative is, and never been attracted to women.

Although I did have an odd fascination for Steffi Graf when I was younger.

Do you think that counts?

(David sighs) - All right, I admit I did hit myself on my head, but in truth, that was only to refocus your attention back on me.

You were all getting so preoccupied with the actual killings, you're forgetting why we're here.

Me!

- Bollocks.

I'm calling the police.

What kind of arrogant maniac writes a murder series and then reenacts them?

You're going down, for life.

- No, please, please, please, please, please don't.

They're not even my murders, I didn't write the books.

- Oh, my god.

You didn't write "Death Re-plumbs Her"?

- No.

No, I didn't.

(David sighs) I was working in publishing.

Things weren't going very well and I hadn't had a successful book published in months.

I needed a hit, or I'd be out of publishing forever, or, even worse than that, moved to celebrity autobiographies.

And then, one day, a huge pile of manuscripts landed on my desk.

10 complete novels.

I mean, who sends in 10 books, handwritten?

The author, Mary, had sent a note saying, "Treasure these, they're the only copies."

I saw my chance, since they were the only copies, No one could prove that I hadn't written them.

And there was a lot more money for the author.

So, I went ahead and I said they were mine.

Some might say it was the perfect crime.

Almost what she'd have wanted.

- Didn't the real writer ever wonder what was happening, when their books started popping up in shops?

- Well, she did get in touch, yes.

She came to see me and she told me she had a young daughter to feed.

I just saw pound signs.

I threatened her with legal action and she ran out of the office, crying.

I heard, later, that she'd killed herself.

- You stole somebody's talent just to get some notoriety?

You're the Milli Vanilli of literature.

- Well, I did write the books' titles.

- They're the worst bit about the bloody books.

- But that is still no proof of murder.

Mary Bishop, you said I'd get my comeuppance.

Here it is.

It's come up-anced.

- Right.

(sighs) You nearly done in there?

You've been a while, do you need any help?

- My mother killed herself 'cause of what a man did to her.

- Well, I'm so sorry.

- He robbed her.

Robbed her of the one thing she spent her life creating.

So he robbed me of her.

- Oh, my god, that's so sad.

If you want to talk about it, we've got time.

I'm in no rush to get back to David's toast.

Honestly, for such a poor writer, he does think a lot of himself.

- The books are brilliantly written.

(Gemma chuckles) - Oh, come on, they're nonsense.

- The books are brilliant!

- All right.

Fair enough, each to their own, I suppose.

At least we've got to the last of them now.

No more murders, hopefully.

- There is one book we haven't covered yet.

- Oh, god, not another one.

What happens in it?

(door opens) - Woman gets stabbed in the toilet.

- Could be any hen night in Blackpool, that.

- Bishop.

That name rings a bell.

- It's quite a common name, especially in the clergy.

- No, I've seen it today.

Or yesterday.

That's it, the passenger list.

One of the passengers is called Bishop.

- And you are, Miss... - Laura Bishop.

- Oh, god.

It's Laura.

Where is she?

- Well, I saw her sloping off to the toilets with Gemma.

Who knows what they're up to in there, but it's a modern world.

None of my business.

- Gemma, I'm coming!

- George.

We need to talk.

- Yes.

- You're the murderer?

But, no, you can't- - Can't what, Gemma?

What can't I do?

Think you'll find that when a young girl has watched a dribbling spelk like David steal her mother's life's work, and then watched her take her own life, when you've seen all that, I think you'll find there's nothing you can't do.

- All right.

That's a bit heavy.

I can see you're still working through some stuff.

I'll just pop out and give you some...

Probably just stay here.

- Moira was supposed to be my cover.

I met her at one of David's book signings.

Pretty soon she took me on as her assistant.

Let me tell you, after scraping the gunk from under her big toe every night, it made me more determined to frame David and bump Moira off.

But, somehow, you and your fat boyfriend got in the way.

You're the last one, Gemma.

You're as bad as the others.

- No, I'm not.

- Giving him money, sucking up to him when it's my mother's words.

My mother's books!

- Oh.

That looks sharp.

- [Terry] How far are these bloody toilets?

Come on, get a move on.

- [Mildred] Don't rush me, I haven't got my orthopedics on.

- [Terry] I've got to save Gemma.

- Then I'm coming too.

You need a chaperone before entering a ladies' private area.

- Marge was the easiest.

She were easy to choke out.

Voice like a fog horn, but weak as a sparrow.

And Moira, I don't know if you've ever tipped someone over a gorge before, Gemma?

- No, no, no, never.

- It's brilliant fun.

I'm gutted I killed Kevin.

But someone had to die.

Poor bloke never really knew what was going on anyway.

(Gemma whimpers) I've been planning this for years.

And once I've finished you off, and then David, this is gonna be all over the news.

Everyone's gonna rush out to buy the books to see what all the fuss is about.

And then my mother's memory will be honored.

(Gemma screams) (both grunting) (door opens) - Everything all right in here?

We heard a fracas.

- Gemma?

You okay?

(Terry yelps) - Run, both of you!

Get the police!

- No, I'm not running anywhere, Gemma.

I've got some pepper spray in here.

- Where did you get pepper spray?

- Car boot.

- Oh.

(all screaming) - I swear it was in here.

- [Terry] Oh.

- Get her!

(Laura screams) - [Ben] Whoa!

- No point in being a hero now.

- Quite right, we don't know for sure she's the killer, do we?

Innocent until proven guilty.

- Yeah, very true.

I never had a problem with her, personally.

- Are you all right?

- I'm fine.

You go.

Go.

(gentle music) - I love you.

- Aw.

Okay.

- What?

- I just don't think we're quite there yet.

- Oh, right.

- Hashtag awkward.

- Now go and get that mental witch.

- David.

(David screams) (David yelping) (David screaming) David!

(women laughing) (David screaming) (women screaming) (Laura screams) (women screaming) - Coming through!

(women screaming) - Whoa, whoa, mate, we're closed for cleaning.

Hang on.

You just go in, love.

I'll have to go, I've had a couple come in.

Think the woman's caught him cheating or something.

Ah, hang on, I think it's a threesome.

(dramatic music) - [Laura] David.

- [Terry] David, where are you?

- I'm next to a large Blackpool Tower ornament, or would you classify it as a figurine?

- Stay where you are, David, I'm coming for you.

- Laura, you don't need to do this.

Look, I've only known David for 36 hours, and, already, I want to kill him.

- I don't think you're helping, Terry.

- All I'm saying is, I know how you feel.

But this isn't the answer.

- David drove my mum to suicide over those books.

- Look, perhaps we could come to some sort of deal?

I'd happily give you a very generous percentage.

- All I want is blood!

- [David] No!

(lively music) - David?

Where are you now?

- I'm by the 2p machines.

- They're all bloody 2p machines.

- Really?

All of them?

- We're just out of a recession.

It's bloody Blackpool, not Monte Carlo.

(object thuds) (body thuds) - Just leave it, Terry.

I don't have to kill anyone else but David.

- David!

Help me!

- I'd love to, but I think this may be the opportune time to run away!

- Oh, cheers, pal!

Only trying to save your sodding life here!

- Oh, dear.

Looks like it's gonna have to be you after all.

(object thuds) - Welcome to Blackpool, missy.

- Georgie.

You did it.

You saved the day.

Have you flossed?

- No.

- It doesn't matter.

- And to think I almost stole one of your bras.

- Don't spoil it, George.

- Yes, dear.

- You dirty, old sod, George.

(seagulls squawking) - Terry!

Oh, my god, are you all right?

- I'm fine.

I've had worse things thrown at me by school trips.

How's your hand?

- [Gemma] I'll live.

- Come here, gently.

- Well, it seems I owe you an apology.

- Just doing your job, mate.

- That was pretty brave, Terry.

You should be proud of him, miss.

- Oh, I am.

- I'll be in contact tomorrow if that's okay?

Let you get some rest.

I'd take your statements now, but the chief inspector wants to see me.

Address some of the mistakes made on the case.

- Oh, that was ever so exciting.

They'll never believe us back at the home.

- Marge would have loved it.

- Aw.

Well, maybe, in some way, she was here, watching it all with us.

- No, dear, she's dead.

Don't patronize us.

- Right.

I think we can call this tour well and truly over.

- Well, not quite.

(gentle music) - Karen, this is it.

Just like you wanted it.

Back in Blackpool at the exact spot where I proposed.

Then we had fish and chips, it gave you food poisoning, which you said ruined the holiday.

Goodbye, love.

(lid rattling) - Oh, here, wait, wind's a bit gusty, don't want blow back.

This sweater's clean on.

(lid rattling) - Goodbye, love.

(water splashes) - Bye, Karen!

- Goodbye!

Sorry, again.

- Bye, Karen.

- Don't worry about a postcard!

- If you see Marge, say hello from us!

- And ask her where she put my brown bloody shoes!

(gentle piano music) - You okay, Graham?

- Yeah, fine.

It's done now.

- I hope you don't mind me asking, love, but how did she pass?

- I killed her.

(mysterious music) (lively music) (lively music continues) (marker scratching)