Christmas Carole

("It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas") It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas Toys in every store But the prettiest sight to see is the holly that'll be On your own front door A pair of Hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots Is the wish of Barney and Ben Dolls that'll talk and will go for a walk Is the hope of Janice and Jen And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas Everywhere you go There's a tree in the Grand Hotel, one in the park as well The sturdy kind that doesn't mind the snow - Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas Soon the bells will start (doorbell rings) And the thing that'll make 'em ring Is the carol that you sing - Oh!

Right within your heart - Oh, is this for me?

Oh!

- Merry Christmas!

- What a- - A load of old crap.

If I'd have wanted sickly sweet, sentimental garbage, I'd have got John Lewis to make it.

(phone chimes) - But we thought, because Christmas is about kindness and warmth, and community spirit- - Cobblers!

Christmas isn't about spirit.

Christmas is about shopping and stress and over consumption.

It's about traffic jams and family arguments.

It's about boring office parties and hangovers.

And most importantly for us, it's about spending money that you don't have on useless presents you find online at three o'clock in the morning for that cousin you secretly hate.

That's what Christmas is really about, and that's what we're going to cash in on.

- So you want something more exploitative and commercial?

- Exactly.

But with a joke at the end, because, you know, 'tis the season to be jolly.

- But Miss Mackay, I really think- - Call me Carole.

- Carole, I really think what the consumers sort of- - I don't care what you think.

I'm Christmas Carole.

My company is called Christmas Carole, and that's why, at Christmas Carole, we sell single-use Christmas products: wrapping paper, decorations, novelty gifts.

- Well, let's not call it that.

Let's call it seasonal homeware.

- Cheap tat.

You see these?

We make these for 20p, and we sell them for e6.99, and everyone will get through at least three, because they are utter rubbish.

Now, what do you think will happen to our profit margins if people start making this rubbish for themselves?

- Merry Christmas to you, too.

- [Carole] Come on, Bobbie.

(festive music) - I didn't think the ad was that bad.

I liked the old man.

He was merry and sweet.

Didn't you feel sorry for him?

- No, he looked like a loser.

Ahh!

No cash!

Have you got a card reader?

No.

Shame.

- Thank you.

(carolers singing) Probably why he is on his own.

Wife left him.

She'd had enough of the endless cycle of misery and poverty and got the hell out of there.

Hopefully, she took the kids with her.

(Carole scoffs) Can you believe it's snowing?

- I know.

- But maybe we should think about the whole reusing/recycling angle.

- I don't know if you've had the chance to look at my presentation that I gave you, but I've got another copy here, if you wanted to have a look.

- Bobbie, stop being such a misery.

It's Christmas!

Look.

I care about the planet, I do.

I watch David Attenborough.

I met Greta Doodah.

It just doesn't fit with the Christmas Carole business model.

And changing the Christmas Carole business model is a huge undertaking.

It's hardly something I'm gonna do on the day I'm selling the company.

- You're selling the company?

- Limpopo are buying me out.

- Limpopo?

The massive American online retailer?

- No, the river in Africa.

The deal goes through at midnight tonight.

- Wow!

- I'm giving myself a hundred million pounds for Christmas.

- A hundred million?

Wow!

- I know!

- Carole, Carole, couldn't you at least- - [Carole] Bobbie, not now.

- Look, Carole, what about the rest of the staff?

- Who cares?

Oh, Bobbie, not you, obviously.

I need you to do all the boring stuff.

Now, there's a livestream event tonight at the Limpopo building to announce the deal.

(phone chimes) Starts at eight.

Be there at 7: 30.

Don't be late.

- What?

Wait.

No, Carole.

I can't.

("Holly Jolly Christmas") What about...

It's Christmas Eve!

Have a holly jolly Christmas It's the best time of the year Now, I don't know if there'll be snow But have a cup of cheer Have a holly jolly Christmas.

And in case you didn't hear Oh by golly, have a holly jolly Christmas This year Santa Claus is coming to town - Oh, no.

- Hey, sis.

Gonna invite us in?

(elevator bell dings) (whimsical music) (elevator bell dings) You know, it's Christmas Eve.

We thought we'd come down to London, you know, see the lights and- - [Carole] Boys!

Remember what I said earlier.

- [Sam] Whoa!

This place looks amazing!

- Guys.

- Don't touch anything.

- Whoa!

This TV's amazing.

- Whoa.

- Don't bounce that ball inside.

- Imagine playing ping pong on this!

- Wow.

This place is awesome.

Yeah.

There's a pool and gym downstairs.

It's got everything.

- [Carole] Sam, that fruit's for adults.

- [Ade] No decorations?

- I don't do decorations.

- Oh, you should try it.

We make our own.

- I think if I was going to ruin the decor with a load of gaudy tat, Rita, I'd use my own brand.

- I think ours look great.

The kids make 'em.

- Well, kids make my decorations, too, so- - [Sam] C'mon.

Throw it here.

- [Ade] Mind that ball, lads.

- [Carole] I said, no football.

(air whooshes) Well, that's a shame.

- We got you a Christmas present, Auntie Carole.

- [Rita] The boys made it.

It's recycled wool.

- Who wants to watch my new TV?

- It just kinda went pfft!

We're walking in the air - Oh, cool!

We're floating in the moonlit sky - So look, the real reason we came by was to ask if you wanted to come to ours for Christmas dinner tomorrow.

- I'm busy.

- I know Christmas is always gonna be difficult for us.

- Well, not for me!

I made a lot of money out of it.

- Well, it's time to see your family.

- Well, I've seen you now, and our mother's dead, so... - And what about our father?

- I don't have a father.

(Ade scoffs) You mean Leon?

- It's been more than 20 years.

I thought it might be time to move on.

- Well, you thought wrong.

Besides, I don't think I could face Rita's plant-based roast turkey.

- Plant-based food will save the planet.

- But it tastes like crap.

And nobody likes your vegan mince pies, either.

- I like 'em.

- He doesn't.

Anyway, I expect you'll be wanting to get back.

That road will be getting busy, the one that leads to wherever it is you live.

- Doesn't Christmas mean anything to you?

- Oh, Rita, Christmas is a lie!

It's a lie made up by German royals and American corporations and Charles bloody Dickens.

And if people are stupid enough to think they're putting up a dead tree and buying overpriced rubbish made in Chinese sweatshops by a bunch of eight-year-olds is enough to help them summon up a few days of Christmas spirit, then I will happily take their money.

- Please, Carole, just come home.

It's important.

- [Rita] Come on, kids.

Come on.

We're going.

- [Sam] Aww.

I was watching that.

- [Rita] Come on.

Let's go, now.

(Sam sighs) - [Sam] What time's our train?

- [Josh] Are we taking off now?

Does she really have this place to herself?

- Oh, here.

Here's your present.

There's a message in there for you.

- No, there isn't.

Hark, how the bells, sweet silver bells All seem to say, throw cares away Christmas is here, bringing good cheer To young and old, meek and the bold Ding dong, ding dong, that is their song With joyful ring, all caroling One seems to hear words of good cheer From everywhere, filling the air O, how they pound, raising the sound O'er hill and dale, telling their tale Gaily they ring, while people sing Songs of good cheer, Christmas is here Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas On on they send, on without end Their joyful tone to every home Hark, how the bells, sweet silver bells All seem to say, throw cares away Christmas is here, bringing good cheer To young and old, meek and the bold Ding dong, ding dong, that is their song With joyful ring, all caroling One seems to hear, words of good cheer From everywhere, filling the air Oh, how they pound, raising the sound O'er hill and dale, telling their tale Joyfully they ring, while people sing Songs of good cheer, Christmas is here Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas - Call Bobbie.

- [Virtual Assistant] Calling Bobby.

On on they send, on without end Their joyful tone to every home On on they send, on without end Their joyful tone to every home (phone ringing) - Hello?

- Oh, Bobbie.

Oh.

Are you on your way?

I need you to pick up some more of my pills.

- Hi, Carole.

Sort of.

Not exactly.

- Well, what does that mean?

- Well, I know you wanted me at the livestream thing tonight.

- Stop, stop.

I know what you're going to say.

You want to be with your kids.

- I do.

I do.

- It's Christmas, so you want them all at home.

I understand.

- Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Carole.

- And the answer's no.

- Please, Carole.

You don't need me there.

Look.

You'll be fine.

You can do this.

- No, Bobbie, the kids will be fine.

Kids are tough.

(dramatic music) You know I value loyalty above everything else.

- I can't, Carole.

I'm sorry.

I can't.

- So am I.

You're fired.

- [Bobbie] What?

- I said you're fired.

- [Bobbie] You can't be serious.

- Oh, I am.

You're right.

I don't need you.

I'm about to get a hundred million quid.

I don't need anybody.

- Why's the money so important to you?

You've got millions.

- Because life's a competition, Bobbie.

Whoever has the most money at the end wins.

There is nothing else.

- [Bobbie] Please, Carole.

It's Christmas Eve!

Please, Carole.

I thought we were... (dramatic music) (wind roaring) - Hello?

Anyone there?

(suspenseful music) Hello?

(treadmill squeaking) (Carole gasps) - Hiya!

- Mama?

- Hiya, sweetheart!

- But I... Are you- - Still dead?

Yeah, babe.

Very much so.

Now, I've come back to tell you something very important.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

- You don't look dead.

- Thank you.

If you remember, I did have quite a bit of work done.

All guaranteed non-biodegradable.

(laughs) Oh!

- Oh my god!

(Carole shouts) (bones cricking) - Listen to me, sweetheart.

We don't have much time.

After tonight, you will never see me again, ever.

This is the last chance I've got to explain things, to tell you about the mistakes I made.

- I don't understand.

- It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow men.

- What?

- And if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death.

(suspenseful music) - Why are you talking like that?

- I've absolutely no idea.

It just feels appropriate for some reason.

- I know what's going on.

Your last husband was Philip Marley, so you're Jackie Marley, Marley as in the other Marley.

- Bob?

- No, Jacob.

"A Christmas Carol."

The book, the stupid book that Ade gave me.

Jacob Marley tells Scrooge to be a nicer person and to buy a turkey for Tiny Tim.

He's in a wheelchair or something.

Hmm, is that it?

- Not exactly.

- I'm hallucinating.

I'm dehydrated.

- Listen to me, you silly cow!

- Oh!

- This is your last chance to change.

Just stop obsessing about money all the time!

- Coming from you?

- Okay.

So I married a couple of rich fellers after your father.

But that's what I wanna talk to you about.

- It doesn't matter how you got it.

You had it, and that's what counts.

What was it you used to say?

"Whoever has the most at the end is the winner."

- Well, maybe I was wrong about that.

It's not all I was wrong about.

(Carole gasps) Where you going?

- It's fine.

I know the story.

I'll be visited by three ghosts.

- You don't understand.

- I won't be visited by three ghosts?

- Well, yes, but there's more to it than that.

- Christmas Past, Christmas Present, Christmas Yet to Come.

Oh!

Stop doing that!

- Caroline Mackay, you will do as you're told.

Tonight, you will receive three visitations.

Carole, wait!

You will listen to me.

I'm your mother!

(Carole gasps) (dramatic music) (whimsical music) - Bobbie, are you there?

Where the hell is my car?

And why aren't you picking up?

What am I supposed to do now, Bobbie?

I really need this cab.

- So do I.

- No, look.

Oh, I get it.

You're in a wheelchair and what have you, but I've got a lot of mental stuff to do with the stress of me selling my company.

And I've had a really bad reaction to my pills, so you know, in a way, I'm disabled too.

- Pre-booked.

Sorry.

- What?

So what am I supposed to do?

- Get the tube!

- You've got to be joking.

(Santa coughs) Silent night, holy night All is calm - Read the room!

All is bright (bells jingle) - Merry Christmas!

(commuter laughing) (suspenseful music) (men singing indistinctly) (upbeat music) - 'Scuse me, young sir.

We're looking for the one they call Christmas Carole.

- That's me.

- Told you were.

He thought you were Des O'Connor.

- Yeah.

- You're actually... Eric Morecambe.

- Oh, yes.

- And he's Ernie Wise.

- Delighted to meet you, Miss Christmas.

- But you're both dead.

- She's quick.

I'll give her that.

(somber music) - What's happening to me?

- She hasn't got it yet, has she?

- No.

I don't think she has.

- We're the Ghosts of Christmas Past, sonny.

(Carole gasps) (dramatic music) (gentle music) - Am I asleep?

- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show.

Hey, she's much nicer than I thought she'd be.

- Means nothing, Ed, means absolutely nothing.

I said the same thing when I first met you.

And look how that turned out.

I'm only joking!

He's a smashing little fellow, aren't you?

He's a smashing little fellow.

His wig moved then, did you see that?

- Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we shall be performing a very special play.

What I myself wrote with my very own pen.

- He's a great writer.

He does all his own postcards.

- It's an adaptation of the Dickens classic, "A Christmas Carol," entitled "A Christmas Carol."

I shall be playing a part of Ebenezer Dickens, the famous writer and skin-flint.

- You'll be good at that.

It's exciting, is this, I'm excited.

Are you excited?

Miss Christmas, you'll be playing a part of Tiny Tim, the little orphan boy who asks for more.

But first, ladies and gentlemen, we shall be performing for you this evening- - Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Hold it, sunshine.

Hold it, sunshine.

Whom am I playing?

- You're not in it.

- Not in it?

- No.

There's no part for you.

- Did you know about this?

- Or maybe I'm dead.

- I know how you feel.

How could you not write a part for me?

I'm your best friend, I'm your only friend.

- Sorry.

- I see.

I'll just go then, shall I?

(Carole laughing) - Merrick, stop, I'm only kidding!

I'm only kidding, of course there's a part for you.

- You have me fooled, then.

He's wearing his best one, you know.

It arrived this morning all the way from Axminster on its own.

- I used to watch you both on TV, every Christmas without fail, even the repeats.

Until I didn't.

- Oh, I see.

- And we're here to revisit those Christmases.

- You said that without moving your lips.

Did you see that?

- Wait, what Christmases?

- You're doing it now.

[TV switching channels] - That's me.

- Behold.

These are but shadows of the things that have been, they have no consciousness of us.

- They can't see you.

- Fine!

Go then, do what you like!

I really don't care!

(sirens wailing) He's not gonna sandwich ice cream going at that speed, is he?

(laughs) - Bye-bye, Ade.

Mummy's leaving now.

- Where you going?

- I'm going on a bit of a holiday.

- To Wales?

- Not that kind of holiday, sweetheart.

Mummy loves you very much, you know that, don't you?

- Say something to her.

Say something to her!

- TV's gone off again.

(Leon groaning) - That's 'cause it's cheap and rented, like everything else in this house.

- It's just the meter.

We need another 50P.

Come and help me look.

- That's Leon.

Always scrambling around for the next 50P.

- I think I've just found one.

Hey!

- Can I come with you?

- No, sweetheart.

- Why not?

- Ask your Dad.

There may be trouble ahead But while there's moonlight and music And love and romance Let's face the music and dance You were meant for me - Sway to line, sway.

I was meant for you (Carole yelping) Nature fashioned you and when she was done (hand slapping) You're all the sweet things rolled into one - Okay.

(Carole yelling) Plaintive melody - I just wanna know why all this is happening.

Hello!

- Don't you get it?

This is how you escape that.

- All the, you know, with what's her name and the other fellow.

- Ade?

You're adorable - [Merrick] B!

You're so beautiful - C!

You're a cutie full of charm - Okay, I think- - A!

You're adorable - B!

You're so beautiful - F!

You're a feather in my arm - Look, I just wanna know what all has got to do- - G!

- Selling my company!

The alphabet with you But while are we going to do without him?

(Leon laughing) (crowd chattering) (doorbell ringing) - [Leon] Get that, will you, Carol?

- Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas, you puppet!

- Merry Christmas, you [Indistinct] No need to get us a drink.

- Yeah, we can help ourselves.

Oh, I'm not forgetting our contribution to the buffet.

- Me casa, you casa.

- Good lad.

Hey, brought you 50P for the meter as well.

- Brilliant.

- 50P.

(laughs) - Hey, come through, we're gonna do charades.

- Hi, kiddo.

- They all feel sorry for me.

I hate people feeling sorry for me.

(phone ringing) - Get the phone, will you, Carol?

(phone ringing) - Everyone here like always.

Auntie Cath, Kim, and [Indistinct] Where are you, Mum?

Mum's in Malaga with Dave.

- Lucky Dave.

- Wish I could be there with you.

Okay.

I understand.

Bye, Mum.

- Carol.

We've offered your dad a job down in London with us doing some plastering and he could make loads of money.

What do you think?

- Ah, you're all right.

Sounds too much like hard work.

- Lazy git.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- [Ade] Dad, Markum and Wise are on the telly.

Come on, you love Markum and Wise, don't you?

- Well, come on.

After you.

(audience applauding) Why, if it isn't little Tiny Tim from the oldie Victorian times.

- Please, sir.

Can I have some more?

I think you're getting Tiny Tim mixed up with Oliver Twist.

- Shh, you'll hurt his feelings.

He's a sensitive little soul.

What are these?

- Bongos?

- Just watch it.

That's all.

What are these?

- They are bongos!

- Well, does he know you've got them?

Does he know you've got them?

This is gold, this is.

- It's your line.

- I don't understand what all this is supposed to show me.

My mother left, my father was a loser.

I knew all that already.

- That's not it.

- Being poor was rubbish, I knew that too.

- You don't need to speak to me about poverty, sunshine.

We used to work at the BBC.

- Being poor drove my mum away.

Being poor was my whole childhood.

- That's not it, either.

- You may have been poor, but were you happy?

- How could I have been happy when we were so poor?

- The real question is how could you be unhappy when you're so rich?

(dramatic music) (crowd chattering) - Christmas.

Song.

(person imitating baby crying) "Ice Ice Baby."

- No, "Baby, It's Cold Outside."

It's obvious.

(crowd groaning) - Has anyone got 50P for the meter?

Oh, thanks.

- Unbelievable.

Baby, cold.

(crowd cheering) - This is when I left home, I started my own business.

Made a lot of stocking fillers.

- Ed's got two of those, a sure fine herring.

(both laughing) - I'm going down to London.

I've got friends there.

- What do you mean, friends?

Carol!

Carol!

Can they afford to put you up, can they?

- Can you?

- What do you think I've been doing all these years?

- Fishing with his mates and watching telly, mostly!

- I fed you, I clothed you.

You've never wanted it for anything.

- Ha!

- We had holidays!

- One week in Anglesy.

- Every single year.

- I thought you liked Anglesy.

- I hated it.

I hate this house.

I hate this life!

Could have been with Mum in a massive house in Spain with a pool, but you had to keep us here with you, just to spite her!

Because you couldn't bear to see her win!

- I did my best.

- Maybe your best isn't enough.

It wasn't enough for Mum.

- Fine.

You do what you like, Carol.

I don't really care.

- What's going on?

- She's leaving, son.

- Carol?

- Bye, Ade.

- Ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of our show.

I'd like to thank our very special guest, Miss Carole Christmas.

Have you had a nice time?

- Not really.

- She doesn't look happy, Ed.

She must have seen a fee.

- We thought you'd like seeing your Christmases past.

- You showed me all the wrong Christmases.

- We showed you all the right Christmases, but not necessarily in the right order.

I'll give you that, sunshine, I'll give you that.

- Oh, we're off now.

You have to go that way.

- Where will you go?

- To join all the other ghosts of light entertainment.

- You don't mean ITV?

Bring me laughter All the while (Carole gasping) - They usually open by themselves.

- What day is it?

- It's Christmas Eve.

- In 2022?

- Yeah.

(gentle music) - Hey, there she is.

The genius.

- Christmas Carole herself.

The OG.

- Hashtag original girl boss.

- Asha Kumar.

- Barry Sage.

Can I just say, everyone at Limpopo is so psyched for this new deal right now?

We're super excited.

- Yeah, you must be stoked for it too.

- You look pumped, man.

Are you pumped, huh?

- Today, I've got a bit of a headache.

- You want some Xanax?

- Can we get Carole some Xanax over here?

- Oh, no, no, I'm fine.

- Hey, look, if it's about the live stream, don't worry.

It's a walk in the park.

- We'll lead, tell everyone how excited we are.

Give 'em the data of the KPIs, all that jazz.

- Then we bring you up and you do your thing.

- Right.

- Do you know what you're gonna say?

- Well, I was gonna talk about how I came up with the idea of the company.

- Brilliant.

- We love that.

- But here's something the legal and media teams have just thrown together.

- It's pretty much what you said.

- With specific focus on rebranding and sustainability.

- Yeah, sustainability's importance and our priority.

- Number one BS priority.

- Our customers just wanna know they're doing the right thing by the planet.

So we tell them, "Sure, why not."

- "Yeah, you're buying millions of tons of non-degradable plastic and packaging from us every year.

Of course, you're saving the planet, dillweed."

- By the way, can I tell you, we love your Christmas antlers.

Hell of a business model right there.

30 cents to produce, then we sell for $10.

- And everyone has to make multiple purchases, because the damn things disintegrate faster than my last marriage.

(both chuckling) - What about my employees?

- Oh, well of course, those guys are gonna lose their jobs.

- All of them?

- We're innovatives, Carol.

Every successful innovation leaves some people behind.

That's just how it is.

- The rules are the same for everybody, Carol.

If you're not making the millions, it's because you're too dumb or too lazy to take the opportunities presented to you.

Am I right?

- Oh, I almost forgot this was couried to my assistant from someone called Bobby.

- Oh, thank God.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, poppy.

Excuse me.

I just- - Is she okay?

(intense music) (Carole panting) (door shaking) Hello?

- I'd give that five minutes if I were you.

Joking.

I was just cleaning it.

Actually, I wasn't even cleaning it.

I was just waiting for you.

- Wait, aren't you- - Yes, I am.

Yes, and I have done a bit of acting.

So, this is a piece of cake.

Little clue for you there.

Cake!

You're a bit nervous about meeting a supernatural being.

- A supernatural- Oh.

So, you're the- - Spirit of Christmas, ghost of Christmas present, whatever.

Not Christmas presents.

Or in your case, Christmas things that go straight in the bin.

That's another joke.

- No, but you're not- Markum and Wise are dead in real life.

- Believe you me, I have died many, many times.

On my ass.

- Yes, thank you.

- Yeah, all right.

Are you ready for your next journey?

- I was actually about to do a big presentation.

- It wasn't really a question.

- Right.

- Take my hand and you will be magically transported.

(upbeat music) - You said magically transported!

What are we doing on these things?

- Fun, aren't they?

And great for the planet.

- I thought we'd be flying or something.

- Oh, this isn't "The Snowman."

(upbeat holiday music) (couple arguing) (upbeat holiday music) (Carole laughing) - Christmas spirit.

Brilliant, isn't it?

(people arguing) (upbeat holiday music) Doesn't work on everyone.

- Where are you taking me?

- Everyone ready?

[Indistinct] children!

[Indistinct] everyone.

- Excellent.

Where is the chat?

Oh, I'll get it.

Having a tough time of it, are we?

You stay relaxed, yeah?

- Behold, you should know that these are but shadows- - They can't see us, I get it.

- Rude.

- Tell your uncle to help.

- Help, Uncle!

- I refuse to participate in a festival that has nothing to do with our proud Sikh culture or identity.

- Who are these people anyway?

Oh, I see.

- Hey, family.

- Hi, [Indistinct] - Mom!

Hi, mommy.

- So, she gave you the night off then?

- Not exactly.

She fired me.

- What?

- Who does that on Christmas Eve?

- It's fine.

- Some friend she turned out to be.

After all the stuff you've done for her.

- You can't afford to get fired, [Indistinct] How are you gonna pay the bills?

How are we gonna pay for all- - She was gonna get fired anyway when Limpopo take over.

- Honestly, Mom, we'll be fine.

Anyway, it means we can all spend Christmas together, hey.

Right, now who wants chocolate and a movie?

- Me!

Can we watch "The Grinch?"

- I was watching "Game of Thrones!"

- Charles, it's Christmas.

- He's sulking.

- We're Sikhs.

We don't even believe in Christmas.

- It's a bit bah humbug, isn't it?

- Right.

Mommy needs a glass of Christmas spirit.

- So, starting to get the picture?

- Shh!

- Leena, Tiny, go and put your PJs on first.

- Yes, Mummy.

- He's called Tiny, Tiny as in Tiny Tim.

- Yes, but- - He's sick, isn't he?

- No, don't think so.

- Some kind of unseen condition or something genetic.

Oh my God, he's gonna die.

They can't afford to pay for his treatment.

- No.

- I suppose that's my fault, is it?

Is it?

No, I can't deal with this.

- Look, I keep telling you, there's nothing wrong with him.

You're missing the whole point.

(Carole crying) - Oh, for God's sake.

- [Rita] "It's A Wonderful Life!"

- Yes, Rita, yes!

(group chattering) No, I said four.

You're not listening.

- Welcome to another recycled Christmas.

- [Child] A movie, film.

- One word.

I love charades, don't you?

- No.

It's literally the only game anyone ever plays at Christmas.

- That's why I like it.

- "Frozen."

- [Child] "Goonies!"

- Is it the whole thing?

- [Speaker] "Frozen."

- Basketball!

- "The Unbearable Lightness of Being!"

- What?

- It's one word.

- [Ade] Oh, sorry.

- "Frozen."

- Will you stop saying "Frozen?"

- "Frozen 2."

- "Frozen 3!"

- Ear.

Ear library.

- Ear library?

- It's an audio book!

- Harry Potter.

- Oh, for Pete's sake.

It's "Elf.

Elf!"

- What?

- Movie, one word.

Sounds like shelf, "Elf."

- "Elf!"

- Thank you!

- Well done, Sammy.

You're like your Auntie Carol, she was always good at charades.

- But she never comes over at Christmas.

I mean, does she even love us?

- Your Auntie Carole doesn't believe in Christmas.

The only thing she loves is money.

- Oh, she's right posh now she's got money.

- [Speaker] Selling piles and piles of plastic.

- Pound shot Cruella de Ville.

(group laughing) - She loves us, Sammy.

She's just, she's very unhappy and that gets in the way.

Come and join the party, Dad.

- Yeah, in a bit.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Did you see our Carol?

- Yeah.

- How was she?

- Fine, good.

Yeah, you know.

- No thanks to you.

- I could imagine.

- Okay, time to go.

- Not yet.

- Please, can we just go?

- No, you need to hear what he's about to say.

- Give it to me!

(electricity crackling) Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up it's grand Just holding your hand We're gliding along with the song Of a wintry fairy land Our cheeks are nice and rosy - It's Christmas Eve, right?

We're snuggled up together like two - In 2022?

Let's take the road before us And sing a chorus or two Come on it's lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you - I'd give that five minutes.

There's a birthday party at the home of Farmer Gray It's be the perfect ending of a perfect day We'll be singing the songs we love to sing (patrons chattering) - [Worker On PA] We'd like to wish you a very, merry Christmas.

- [Man] I know, I know you're excited.

I know exactly what you want.

- Please.

- Are you enjoying this, are you enjoying this?

How 'bout just getting a job?

- You don't need that or that.

You certainly don't need that!

Don't you understand, you don't need it, none of us do.

It's all a load of crap, it's all a load of crap!

Hi.

Are you the ghost of Christmas yet to come?

I think I know what it is you've been trying to tell me.

Since we've no place to go Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow - Not a ghost.

I'll just.

No, you don't understand.

(tense music) Ooh, come on, come on.

- [Security Guard] Oi, hey!

Hey, come back.

Stop!

Go go go!

- [Security Guard] Come on guys!

Go!

Drive, now!

- Never seen a driverless car before?

(Carole exclaims) Relax, they're not gonna be bothering you.

- [Carol] What the?

- Good innit?

Time has stood still.

Only you and I can move forwards.

Forwards, into the future.

- Oh so you're the- - That's right, I'm the ghost of Christmas yet to come.

See you've had your ghosts of Christmas past and they were very much from the actual past.

- Right.

- Then you had your ghost of Christmas present, that's your household name now.

- Yes - And see I'm like the next generation of star, someone on upward ascent, maybe get my own show, my own standup special, maybe host some Baftas.

What I'm saying is, I'm a national treasure, of the future.

- Yes, yes I get it, it's just it's fine, you don't have to do your bit.

- What do you mean?

- I've already had my epiphany You know, the bit where I realize where I've gone wrong and what I need to change.

Well done by the way, it was the reindeer antlers that finally did it.

Look I had nothing, for so long.

So I thought money was the answer, so I wanted more and more, so I sold more and more.

Getting people to bury their unhappiness under a mountain of throwaway tat.

So I built this empire of continuous consumption and it just isn't sustainable.

- Nah it's not that.

You're gonna have to dig a little deeper.

(upbeat music) (Carole exclaims) (bell tolls) - [Man] The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul.

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

- It, it's a funeral.

- Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

- Who's funeral?

- Thou art with me.

- Can you not just tell me?

- [Man] Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemy.

- Oh my god, it's Tiny Singh.

It is isn't it?

it's Tiny Singh's funeral!

- It's not Tiny Singh!

- No he's had that condition and everything with his legs.

- He wasn't ill!

How many times!

- Yes but- - Just go over there and look.

- Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.

Thou anointest my head with oil.

My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.

- No Carol?

- No.

- That's a shame - You coming back to the house though?

- Course, give him a proper sendoff.

- Yeah - Please.

- Right come on lad, we'll see you back at the house later.

- [Man] Thanks for coming.

Means a lot.

- [Man] All the best.

Gonna miss him.

- [Man] Here we go.

That's that.

(sad music) - Time to go?

- Not yet.

There's something else you need to hear.

- You coming?

- No I'll wait in the car, but don't take too long, you need to be back here in 10 minutes.

- Why?

- If you don't leave here with me, you'll get stuck in this reality forever.

You will never be able to go back.

- [Boy] Can we have a look at granddad's old fishing stuff?

- [Boy] Finders keepers!

(sad tones) - It's a great sendoff.

- Beautiful sendoff.

- He'd have loved it.

- He would that.

- Cheers pal.

- Cheers pal.

(hopeful music) - [Man] All the best mate.

- You know, he always used to say he only ever loved two women.

- And they both left him.

- What?

- Biggest regret of his life he said.

- But... - Yeah.

Bloody hell.

(man sobs) - [Woman] Come on.

- What we going to do with all this stuff?

- Hey Ade.

He was ever so proud of her.

- Yeah, always going on about how well she was doing, our Carole this, our Carole that.

- I don't think he ever got over her leaving.

- Y'know, you and Carole meant everything to him you know?

- Aye.

- He could have come down to London with us when we were doing up houses for yuppies in the city.

- This were back in the '80s.

Plasterers could make loads of money back then.

- But, he wanted to be here for you both.

Said you needed security.

- That's why he was always so skint.

And you thought it was 'cause he was a lazy bugger didn't you?

- No.

- Yeah!

- [Ade] Carole was just so angry, I wish she could have forgiven him.

- For what?

For not letting Mum take us with her when she left, for and making us stay here with him.

She thought he did it out of spite but... - Didn't he tell you?

- Tell us what?

- Tell us what?

- She never contested custody.

- What?

- What?

Why didn't he tell us that?

- He didn't want you thinking badly of your mum.

(unsettling music) - See you're back then.

- Put that down.

- Or what?

What are you gonna do, Leon?

- [Leon] I just don't know what you want, Jackie.

- Oh I don't know, I don't know what I want.

But this can't be it, get married, have kids, the end!

I'm nearly 30!

I've lived here my whole life!

Look at me!

I'm not gonna look like this forever.

I, I've got to get out while I still can.

I want more, Leon.

More than this house, this this town, this this life.

- I like this life.

- Yeah, well it's not good enough for me.

I'm leaving.

I'm taking the car but you can keep the rest.

- The rest?

What, you mean Carole and Ade?

Eh?

God!

Who's gonna look after them?

- I don't know Leon, you?

- You're their Mother!

- Yeah you're their Father, why does it have to be me?

You'll do a better job of it anyway.

What am I supposed to tell 'em?

- I don't know, tell them I've run off with the milkman, whatever you want.

- [Leon] Don't do this.

- [Jackie] Get out of my way, Leon.

- Please.

Please don't, I'm begging ya.

Don't go Jackie, I love you.

- Sorry.

- Fine.

Go then, do what you like, I really don't care.

- Mum?

Where you going?

- I'm going on a bit of a holiday.

- To Wales?

- Not that kind of holiday, sweetheart.

- Can I come with ya?

- No sweetheart.

- Why not?

- Ask your Dad!

- He was always afraid that if you knew what had really happened you'd have hated her.

He couldn't bear that.

- He thought better if you hated him.

- Just stop saying that, you don't know anything about it.

- Carole always blamed him for Mum walking out.

- Oh Ade!

- Well you can say what you like about Leon, he could always keep a secret.

- Even to the end.

(beeping) - I think we all knew that, that Christmas was gonna be his last.

He sent us down to London to try and get Carol to come up for Christmas dinner.

She never even knew he was dying.

(Ade sighs) (sad music) (Carole gasps) - What took you so long?

- So how you feeling anyway?

- Great.

I mean if, if I didn't know I wouldn't know, if you know what I mean.

- Yeah.

I don't think she's coming, Dad.

Why didn't you let me tell her?

- I didn't want her to feel sorry for me.

- Yeah.

- Not to worry, eh, there'll be other Christmases.

- Yeah.

- Come on.

Let's play some more charades.

- Oh, do we have to?

- Okay, I, I understand, I understand it all.

- No, it's too late.

- No, what do you mean it's too late?

(phone beeps) - Carol?

You made it.

- You can see me?

- Of course I can, I'm not that far gone!

- Eh oh, look who's here!

- Carole love, give us a cuddle.

- I'm so sorry about your dad.

- No, no, no, no, no.

I've gotta go.

I've gotta go.

- Carol!

- [Man] Great to see you Carol.

(tense music) - Wait!

Wait!

Wait!

You can't leave me here!

(exclaims) No.

I have to get back.

No, no.

(Carole screams) (Carole thuds) (Carole pants) (unsettling rumbling) Help!

Help, help!

(Carole exclaims) (bright music) Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say On a bright Hawaiian Christmas day That's the island greeting that we send to you From the land where palm trees sway - Oh goodness.

Look at this rubbish everywhere.

'Tis the season to avoid the recycling bins apparently.

Hello my darling.

Happy Christmas to you.

You look very nice, I like that jacket.

I don't think the chicken wrappers are working for you.

- Oh god.

- Are you okay my darling?

- What day is it?

- Ah!

It's Christmas Eve.

- In?

- 2022.

(Carole exclaims) - I made it back!

(laughs) But I'm gonna be late.

(bright music) Here we know that Christmas will be green and bright The sun to shine by day and all the stars at night - Good luck my darling.

Mele Kalikimaka Is Hawaii's way - Thank you.

To say Merry Christmas to you - And now without further ado, may I introduce you to the woman we're about to make very rich indeed.

- Yes, it's Christmas Carole herself - [Both] Carole Mackay!

(audience applauds) Carole Mackay!

- Thank you to Barry and Ashok, for whatever it is you've just said.

And thank you to all of you, for coming tonight.

You could be at home.

It's Christmas Eve!

But you're not, you're here.

(group laughing) And you'll believe- - Aw, what's this rubbish?

- We're watching that!

- That woman's fired you, why are you so interested in her?

- Just want to see if she's okay.

- And that something, is money!

Money!

If there is no money, no-one buys our stuff.

If no-one buys our stuff, well, there is no Christmas, am I right?

(audience murmuring) Well no, I'm not right, actually.

So I want to take this opportunity to explain why I'm pulling out of the deal.

(audience murmurs) I'm not selling Christmas Carol.

I'm, I'm rebranding the company.

We'll stop making tons of tacky Christmas tat.

We're gonna make reusable packaging instead.

It turns out that Christmas is still Christmas even without half a million pairs of plastic reindeer antlers.

(phone rings) I'm also ordering a share issue available to employees of the company only, at a price of 50p per share in memory of my Dad's electricity meter.

And, finally, I'd like to announce the appointment of the company's new joint CEO, Bobbie Singh-Cratchett.

(group exclaims) - What?

- Hi Bobbie!

I know you'll be watching, even though I fired you.

I won't take up too much of your time because I know Jas will be wanting to watch Game of Thrones.

- How did she?

- Well I'll just say I'm sorry.

For all the times that I didn't listen.

For all the times that I didn't care.

For all the times that I made you do something that I could have done myself.

You've been a good friend to me.

I hope that from now on I can be a good friend to you.

- You are my friend.

- Sorry.

Well that's it, thank you.

- What the hell was that?

- So you're not selling the company?

- He's quick, I'll give him that.

Merry Christmas, little fella.

(audience exclaims) (gentle music) - Merry Christmas, Miss Carol.

- Merry Christmas, Charlie.

Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

(doorbell rings) - Merry Christmas, Dad.

- Come in, come in.

I don't want a lot for Christmas There is just one thing I need I don't care about the presents Underneath the Christmas tree I just want you for my own More than you could ever know Make my wish come true All I want for Christmas Is you (upbeat music) Yeah I don't want a lot for Christmas There is just one thing I need And I don't care about the presents Underneath the Christmas tree I don't need to hang my stocking