Apple Tree Yard

Before I met you, I was a civilised woman.

Civilised.

Now I don't even know what that means.

Food, shelter, sex... once those needs are covered we can pretend we're in contro.

That the lives we build keep us human.

But really, we're all just animals.

-You know how I know that?

-[siren wails] -Fear.

-[tyres squeal] Fear for your life.

Once you've felt that, everything else... all this so-called civilisation... it's a dream.

You've taught me that, my love.

[clerk] Would the defendant please stand.

Fear makes animals of us all.

[bells chimes the hour] [woman] In terms of our research we're pushing at frontiers.

There are bound to be anxieties around that.

I do understand, but to be frank, most of those anxieties are completely unfounded.

[man] So, everything we're hearing about "Frankenfoods"...

They're still foods and how they're processed and regulated, that's crucial obviously, but that's a question for government or business, not science.

Listen, the more we learn about DNA, the more avenues there are for gene therapy, which could lead to the eradication of genetically based illness, and that has to be a tremendous positive.

But you can reassure us, Professor, no ten-foot mice on the cards, or triangular cows?

The work we're doing is never going to result in corn with udders.

[laughter] Hi, it's me, just to say they're done with me, so you don't need to be home in time for the Tesco delivery.

Um... that's it.

Oh, and I'll cook, by the way.

See ya.

We won't be seeing you this afternoon, Professor Carmichael?

No.

David moved up the technology questions so that I'd be finished by lunchtime.

Efficiency in the civil service?

There's a novelty.

[chuckles] -Hi.

-Anything else?

Er, no, that's it, thank you.

You were very articulate in there, Professor.

-Thanks.

-It's the first time I've understood what a genome is.

Oh good!

Erm... Well, I do a lot of lecturing.

It's not Professor, actually.

-Ah, that's more American is it?

-Exactly, yes.

I get that because of the mad scientist thing, you know, Nutty Professor .

I see obviously you're deranged.

Have you appeared in front of the Select Committee before?

A couple of times, actually, yes.

Governments get really het up about genetics, whichever lot are in, you know, modification, cloning.

Do you get nervous, speaking in front of a group of people?

I only say that because you didn't seem it at all.

-Didn't I?

-No, not at all.

-Thanks, Gavin.

-No worries.

No, I suppose I don't, really.

Well, not in front of MPs, anyway.

I think I know more about it than they do.

Right.

Well, that's a relief because I'd be worried to think that MPs set themselves up as experts on anything, you know?

Are you allowed to say that in here?

Oh, off the record you are, yeah.

Well, all right.

Um... That's me.

Oh, have you seen the Chapel in the Crypt?

-No.

-Wait one second.

[phone plinks] Sorted.

Remind me to give those back to Martha afterwards, cos my life will not be worth living, even if you are a VIP.

-Are you OK for time?

-Er, yeah.

-Sure.

-Sure?

This way.

[heavy door closes] Wow!

It's a Royal Peculiar.

It means it's under the monarch's control, via the Lord Chamberlain.

That's Great Lord Chamberlain to you.

[chuckles] Apparently, Oliver Cromwell stabled his horses here.

I don't know if that's true.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's obviously not top of the cleaning rota.

Oh, thank you.

This isn't the best bit.

Come here.

Come.

You've come this far.

You'll have to go first, because it's a bit tight in there.

It used to be a broom cupboard.

-What am I looking for?

-It's on the back of the door.

Can you see it?

-The suffragette, you know?

-Yeah, um... -I know who she is.

Derby Day.

-Yeah.

She slipped in here on the night of the census of 1911, I think.

It was before she jumped in front of the horse, obviously.

Caused a lot of trouble.

[She reads] "In this broom cupboard, Emily Wilding Davison hid herself illegally during the night of the 1911 census.

In this way, she was able to record her address on the night of the census as being the House of Commons."

I knew you'd be interested.

OK?

[clattering] [he climaxes] [Yvonne] I...

I've never done anything like that before.

Then lucky me.

[front door opens] -[door closes] -[man] Hey!

Hi!

Huh?

Mm.

All right.

-Did you get to talk to Rosa-- -How did it go?

-The Standing Committee?

-Oh.

Select Committee.

Um... Fine.

Yeah.

Rosa wasn't in today.

Mm.

So, according to Martin, it's a thing now, so no going back.

-Every birthday?

-Mm.

As if secret sodding Santa wasn't bad enough.

Hm!

It's good, love.

Tasty.

[snoring] [Yvonne] "Dear X. I don't even know your name... but the only person I can talk to about you, is yo.

What we did today is, without doubt, the most reckless act I've ever committed.

I know nothing about you.

Well, one thing.

Sex with you is like being eaten by a wolf.

Will you even give me a second thought, or is this just something you do?"

[announcement] The next station is... [crossing beeps] [woman] FYI, all the candidates and the specs we put up.

-Save you printing the emails.

-You're a star.

Thank you.

Um, Liz... About Kat's maternity cover.

I'm really sorry, I just can't face it.

The thought of doing that commute again every day makes me want to bang my head against a wall.

It's OK. Kat practically told us at the moment of conception.

We'll find someone.

It's black silk with a red and orange pattern in it.

One moment, please.

Sorry, madam.

No scarves at all.

-Oh, well.

It was worth a try.

-Indeed.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

Huh!

So... Are you sure that you weren't just hanging out here, on the off chance that we'd bump into each other?

Naturally!

No I, um, I work at the Beaufort Institute.

-Ooh, classy.

-You've heard of it?

Well, yeah, of course.

It crops up in the news all the time.

Whenever there's something about genes or genomes or DNA.

Which, thanks to you, I now know aren't all the same thing.

[phone plinks] Sorry.

[typing on phone] [shuts phone] -What is it you do, exactly?

-Well, you know, civil service.

All very boring.

You don't look like a civil servant.

You don't look like a scientist.

You're married.

So am I. Shall we skip all that?

I assume neither of us is looking for a parachute.

No.

Absolutely not.

Agree.

[both laugh] [X] I'd love it if my daughter wanted to be a scientist, it's just that, at the moment, that would depend on lab coats coming in totally artificial fibre, being really shiny and preferably pink.

[Yvonne] Carrie, my daughter, was always completely set on i.

Tunnel vision, like me, I suppose.

[giggling] [X] My niece is doing triple science at A-level.

Maybe you could give her a pep talk.

-Um... -What?

Isn't this all a bit back to front, maybe, don't you think?

Shoot first, ask questions later.

[she laughs] [her laughter echoing] [woman] Yvonne!

Come on.

Drink!

So, how's Gary?

Me first.

How are things with you and Chris?

Ooh!

Oh?

It's nothing to worry about.

It's... just... you know.

He's stopped making as much of an effort.

We're not tearing each other's clothes off any more.

-That's not sounding good, Suze.

-It's fine.

It's very... civilised.

[both laugh] Anyway I thought you'd be pleased, Captain Sensible.

Oh, God!

Is that what I am?

Always.

[sighs] Is everything OK?

How is Gary?

Yeah, he's fine.

Um, sends his love.

No, it's not that girl, is it?

Rosa?

I told him to talk to the Dean.

I know it's all in her head, but you need back-up these days.

You're sure it was, then?

No, it's just Gary's still an attractive man.

-I know you two are rock solid.

-Always his greatest fan.

No, we're out of the woods on that one.

20 years ago, maybe.

"Still attractive".

Do you think that's what they say about us?

What is going on with you?

-You're very twitchy.

-Must be my age.

Why was that... Why is that funny?

It's like what age are you, a hundred?

Let's change the subject.

I'm getting you drunk.

[laughing] Ah, go for it.

[distant sirens wailing] [Yvonne] Hi.

Um...

I think... let's not.

I mean it was really, really, what it was, but too many people can get hurt.

[message continuing] God, clichs, but it's true!

So, um... That's it.

Yeah.

Take care.

[clattering] -[dog barks] -[woman] No!

[bottles clattering] -[clattering continuing] -[woman] Oh, fuck!

[Gary] Bloody hell!

-[Yvonne] Has she cut herself?

-It's Rosa.

-What?

-[Rosa] Sorry.

Come on, Rosa!

What the hell are you doing?

Careful!

-[bottles ratting] -No, leave the bloody bottles.

-I'm a bit... bit pissed.

-Clearly.

My friend, Mel, she lives just down the road.

She was having a crisis, a thing, and I just thought... You know, it's...

It's your road!

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Oh, Jeez.

What have you done to yourself?

Keep it up, keep it up.

Come on.

There we are.

Straight through.

-I think she needs stitches.

-Thank you.

I'll get her looked at.

[Gary] Come on.

I'm sorry.

[Gary] Mind your head.

[car door opens] [car door closes] [engine starts] [woman] Hello!

Mum!

[man] All right?

These are lovely, Carrie.

Thank you.

Poor Dad!

Does he ever work have to work on a Saturday?

He won't be much longer.

I think it was some papers he forgot to bring back.

-Can I borrow these?

-Yeah, sure.

-Yes please, thanks.

-Carrie love, do you want some?

-Or there's white in the fridge.

-Oh, no.

Thanks.

Have you spoken to Adam at all?

Not recently, though Dad's been in touch on Facebook.

-Hey!

-Here he is!

Bloody hell, A and E. I'm not doing that again in a hurry.

-A and E, what's wrong?

-Hey.

Didn't Mum say?

Hi, Sathnam.

This research assistant turned up on our doorstep in the middle of the night and managed to cut herself on a broken bottle.

Mum said you were at the office.

What was she doing pitching up here in the middle of the night?

God knows!

She was pissed, I think.

-So, news!

-Is it the Aberystwyth job?

I'm pregnant.

Oh, God!

I know!

Mad!

I should have told you when I came in!

That's wonderful.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you.

[dialogue unclear] I'm five years older than you were when you had me.

Yeah, and I've never pretended that that was ideal.

Yes, you did, you said it was great!

"Got it all out of the way and was back on the career ladder before the rest were thinking of popping out a sprog."

I'm just saying that your work is going so well!

And it'll go just as well when I'm back from maternity leave.

Honestly, Mum.

The department's fine about it.

What if you don't want to go back?

Course I'll want to.

You did.

You know, it took me eight years to finish my PhD.

And your dad did it in three.

And your nana practically sang the Hallelujah Chorus every time he changed a nappy.

She still calls women who work "career girls"!

Yeah.

Don't forget "lady doctors".

Well, Nana...

The world's moved on a bit, hasn't it?

Yeah.

Thank God.

Go to the cinema.

Do all the things you won't be able to do in nine months.

-Oh, don't tell him that!

-Or ever again!

I love you, too.

-Thanks for everything.

-Keep them as long as you like.

-Love you.

Thanks for lunch.

-Drive safely.

If you're sleeping with her, you can tell me, you know.

-She seems very vulnerable-- -I'm not.

Von.

OK.

There was the possibility of that, but I shut it down.

I think that's why she's so upset.

"Possibility"?

That day when we got the grant, back in the summer.

We were all celebrating, pissed... You said it was all in her head.

Well, largely.

So, what, you snogged her, or-- I'm not giving you chapter and verse.

We're not bloody teenagers!

Nothing happened.

That's all you need to know.

Shit!

Thank you.

How's the wonderful world of protein sequencing?

-You got it right.

-Course I did.

So, what made you change your mind, then?

I suppose you're irresistible.

Clearly.

There's something else going on with you though, isn't there?

[knock on door] [X] Tell me something about your work.

Something surprising that everybody gets wrong.

Um... -That we know what we're doing.

-[chuckles] Seriously, there's this image of science, the clinical thing, that we're efficient, and we know everything, but actually all we can ever do is hazily grasp but a fraction of what it is we're trying to pin down.

Like the genome, your typical haploid human genome-- -Sorry, haploid, what's that?

-Your basic genome.

It has three billion DNA base pairs.

Of which, less than 2% code for proteins.

So the rest of the DNA, 98%... we don't really know what it's there for.

Could be useful, or could be just biochemical rubbish.

And what I do, I'm just scrabbling about in the dirt trying to look for the good stuff.

"We'll Never Conquer Space."

It's an Arthur C Clark thing.

Well basically, when everyone was getting all excited over the moon landings he said don't worry, whatever we discover, the universe is far too big and too random for us to ever know it properly.

"We'll never conquer space."

[X] Life's mysterious.

Which is a good thing.

Isn't it?

What are we doing?

You're beautiful.

Oh, no, you were carrying that, actually.

Well, no, I mean, if someone happened to see us coming downstairs together they might wonder why you're dressed differently coming out.

[Yvonne] Am I in over my head with you?

Remind me what it is you do again?

I told you, didn't I?

Crown Estate.

Oiling the wheels.

[Yvonne] Who are you?

I couldn't say.

Although I have noticed, secrets are the air you breath.

[X] I got you a present.

[Yvonne] You didn't go for the cheapest option.

Well, why would you have a cheap phone in your bag?

It just sort of shouts "affair, doesn't it?

[X] It's a pay-as-you-go.

Obviously, don't link it to your email account.

And don't top it up at the same place twice, right?

It's important not to establish a pattern.

Which is kind of the exact opposite of what you do.

If we're going to do this, then at least we can make sure no one gets hurt.

-[traffic rumbling] -[Liz] You look well.

Do I?

Thanks.

-Here you go.

-[Yvonne] I'm fine, George.

I thought you'd both be latte girls, am I right?

Well, that was the button I pressed.

It probably all tastes the same.

Sorry, Yvonne.

I know you like posh coffee.

Oh, as long as it's caffeine.

I like to pretend I'm classy, but I'm really easy.

[laughter] [man] So, I'm here to talk to you about why genome editing -should have transformed... -[phone beeps] the way we treat cancer.

What is genome editing?

I don't think I need to explain that to this room, but if you'll bear with me for one moment.

DNA - inserted, replaced, deleted.

Ah, I'll see you tomorrow, then.

When fates are decided.

-Bye, George.

-See ya.

I've been stalking you.

RMU, the PhD with Merchant supervising.

The Beaufort, it's my dream career.

Well, we enjoyed hearing your presentation.

Hang on, Dr Carmichael!

Whatever the outcome, and I do totally respect that, I'd, erm...

I'd really appreciate the opportunity to talk with you about your research.

I'm very discreet.

Were you tempted?

Would I be telling you if I was?

Tin!

Recycling.

He made my skin crawl, actually, confident little creep.

Lots of, you know, primate crotch display.

Well, you're the one with all the power, love.

That's probably what it was about.

You can screw him over, so he thought he'd do the same with you.

-You know, redress the balance.

-Well, he's not getting the job.

His presentation was extremely pedestrian.

You see?

You won.

Adam came by today.

-Adam?

-Yeah, around lunchtime.

-I was lucky not to miss him.

-Well, why didn't you say?

It was a flying visit.

He's down for a friend's gig, he said.

Picked up a piece of kit, a "loop pedal"?

-I've probably got that wrong.

-Did he look well?

Ish.

He's looked worse.

Love, he was fine.

You know what he's like.

He stayed for a cup of tea and the contents of the biscuit tin.

He sends his love.

Said to give you a big kiss.

[X] Has anyone seen you using the phone?

No one I know, obviously.

What will you tell your husband if he finds it?

-If he goes through your bag?

-He won't.

We're not like that.

He's not the jealous type.

It's important to imagine the worst-case scenario.

I'll say it belongs to Liz from work.

She left it at a meeting and I've been carrying it around intending to give it back.

-Ooh, you're good.

-I know.

-It's worrying, isn't it?

-It is a bit.

But he won't ask or notice.

Tell me something that, um... winds you up about him.

-What?

-Your husband.

Something that really gets on your nerves.

-No.

-Go on!

No!

I'm not doing that.

No parachutes, remember?

[front door slams] [phone beeps] -[Gary] Hey.

-Oh, hi.

[Yvonne] I can't plead biology.

Sex may be an animal pleasure but adultery, I'm discovering, is a human one.

[X] "Is life a boon?

If so, it must befall that death, whene'er he call, must call too soon."

-It's not exactly win-win.

-[laughing] No.

Life is a boon, then you die.

Or life isn't a boon, it's just shit, and then you die.

[Yvonne] What do you reckon?

[X] Me?

I reckon life's a boon.

[siren passing] It's all right.

It's all right.

Risk assessment.

Camera facing the wrong way.

[gate rattles] Excuse me.

Have you got a light?

-I didn't know you smoked.

-I don't.

It's handy sometimes.

[giggling] I'm sorry.

I miscalculated.

A bit near rush hour.

It's really a thing with you, isn't it?

Public places.

Well, you know me well enough by now.

It's...

I can't help it, it turns me on, it just does.

It's probably...

It's probably genetic.

Christ, you really think that means something?

That that absolves you of all responsibility, just hard wiring?

But... Well... OK, probably that was a bad choice of words but...

I'm sorry this is ridiculous!

At our age!

What kind of stupid game are we playing, anyway?

What?

Wait, wait, wait.

I thought...

I thought you did, too.

No.

No.

It's you, actually.

You turn me on.

It's all right, I know the deal.

I might be stupid, but I'm not blind.

Those girls earlier, I'm sure you'd rather be screwing them, preferably outside, but you have to settle for what's on offer.

-Oh, my God!

-Well, look at me!

What?

What?

You're gorgeous!

I'm middle-aged!

And my body looks...

I look like a bloody Jelly Baby.

Yvonne!

[beep] [beep] [phone ringing] [ringing] [landline ringing] Hello?

Hello?

[line cuts out] -[Gary] Adam?

-No.

It's no one.

[Yvonne] " Gary's friend, Michael, he started base jumping in his 40s, flinging himself off cliffs.

At least you don't do that.

You just ask other people to."

Von!

I'm taking the charger from the kitchen!

-[Yvonne] That's mine!

-Well... -You look nice.

-It's Jonathon's leaving do.

They'll have a charger at the hotel.

I told them not to bother with a hotel.

I'm kipping at Andy's.

Er, right, OK. Well, have a nice night.

Love to Jonathon!

See you Friday.

I was just...

I was just imagining something shorter.

Well, the rules are tits or legs but you can't have both.

Take your knickers off.

Who says I'm wearing any?

Oh, God!

I love men.

Of course I am.

A dress like this?

So, take them off now, then.

Come on, there's got to be something in it for me.

You're going to this party.

We could have had a night in a hotel.

Gary's away.

I know.

You can't.

-I'm sorry.

-Don't.

So...?

I'll take mine off, too, if you like.

All right.

[whispers] But you have to put them back on over your trousers.

[Yvonne] Jesus Christ!

Don't talk to any strange men.

Well, it's a science faculty, so it's going to be wall-to-wall strange men.

And there'll be masses of drink.

OK, so text me later.

-Even if you're pissed.

-[they chuckle] Especially if you're pissed!

[distant voices, laughter] Risk assessment.

[both laughing] -Hey!

-It's fine.

-How do you know?

-Intuition.

By which I mean, of course, a combination of observation... knowledge, and experience.

Otherwise known as gambler's edge.

Oh, good girl.

-[Yvonne] I can't.

-Oh, yeah, you can.

-I really can't.

-Oh, you can, you really can.

[Yvonne] Hey.

Where's the apple tree?

Long gone.

What time is it?

It's ten past nine.

Shit!

-Go.

Go on.

-Text me, OK?

Send me a picture.

-Hey.

-What?

-It's a dummy camera.

-How do you know?

It's not hooked up to anything.

They just put them up as a deterrent, that's all.

Seriously.

It's easy to tell the difference if you know what to look for.

Have fun.

Oh, my God!

I'm fucking a spook!

[Latin party music] [upbeat music continuing] -You look gorgeous!

-Thank you.

-Hiya.

-George, how are you?

-Good.

Cheers.

-Cheers.

It's proper champagne.

Is Jonathon really paying for all this himself?

Maybe he got one of the patrons to put their hand in their pocket, Peller or someone.

-Doesn't that count as a bribe?

-Well, not if he's retiring!

-Jonathon!

-Hey, George, hello!

-Good to see you.

-Congratulations.

Well done.

Nice to see you.

How are you?

[Yvonne] It's exactly like Gary to miss a party.

Well, anyway, he's in Sunderland.

-Isn't that where they have-- -Yep.

Amazing mouse lab.

Gary raves about it.

Do send him my love, won't you?

Haven't seen him for yonks.

You're fucking a spook!

[door opens, laughter] [phone beeps] Signs are... they're about to run out.

[laughing] Better make hay while the sun shines.

Absolutely.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

[phone beeps] -Oh, shit!

-I'll get that.

[George laughing] I've got it.

Oh, dear.

I'll look after it.

[Liz] I'm for my bed.

-Total lightweight these days!

-Me too.

-Sleep well, babe.

-You too.

-See you on Monday.

-Monday!

[phone plinks] [George] Do you fancy splitting a cab?

Oh, that's a great idea!

You live west, don't you?

[slurred] I do.

I just left my stuff in my office.

-Won't take a sec.

C'mon.

-OK. OK. [party continuing, muffled] Do you know what really winds me up about Gary?

His haircut.

I hate his haircut.

He's had the same haircut for 30 years -and I hated it 30 years ago.

-Oh, dearie me.

Oh, God!

Did I say that out loud?

I'm really sorry!

It is definitely, definitely time for bed.

Come on, George, don't be silly.

No, no, no.

Does your husband know you're fucking someone else?

-What?

-Does he?

-No.

Get off me!

Get off me!

-Shush.

Get off me!

Come on!

Listen to me.

-You move, even a tiny bit... -[unzipping] ...and I'll hit you again.

Do you understand me?

Do you?

Yeah?

Good girl.

Fucking good girl.

Please!

[Yvonne] Fear.

That's what makes animals of us all.

Before I met you...

I was civilised.

Civilised.

So help me God.