Anything You Lose

Brought to you by World Childless Week Raising awareness and offering support for those who don't achieve the dream of parenthood Columbia is not successful with IVF procedure and passes us to a surgeon who doesn't want repeated trauma to the body and points us in the direction of a surrogate it was unexpected and needed time and distance to be processed my camera became my confidant the world has access to the same technologies producing similar results but market pricing is vastly different we wanted to see India and settled on an Indian surrogate yeah I think they broke the mold after they... the mold is gone that's why we want to have children I gotta have another one of me I gotta teach my kid what I got, you know I'm 46 I gotta have a kid soon my mother's dying to be made a grandmother and stuff like that I'll be like the sporty father Irina will be the brains of the family the best of both worlds, right?

here we go, Dr.

Feel Good is in the house I just picked up some nice new material this stuff is awesome you know, like Tony Montana don't get high on your own supply I do the medication, you do the email, okay okay this one is easy alright, you want me to get your next batch going yes sir, get me ready this stuff is the this is like putting the cherry on top of the cake this stuff is really good I like it it's my favorite that's right nice let's party let's get this party started we had the spirit of a sports team we laughed at challenges that laid ahead everyone knows that it doesn't always work and everyone feels for them it will be different we read that all we need was money and doing surrogacy overseas made it affordable two women's cycles are synchronized with hormonal treatment shots on day 14 the eggs are harvested from the mother and fertilized then three days later are transferred into the surrogate the surrogate carries pregnancy to term gives birth and returns the child back to the mother it's called surrogacy surrogacy as a contract was a necessity advised by doctors but we have underestimated the impact of seeing Khaderbi and Suman for the first time seeing the two surrogates in flesh and blood was a considerable challenge Khaderbi was soft and delicate Suman was distant and uptight we shared unspoken understanding of the matter I will give up my right to female passage Khaderbi will take on the pains of pregnancy and childbirth our lives will intertwine together our child will have our genes and Khaderbi's blood alright, party time okay, close your eyes oh my God look at her oh my God close close close eyes motor scooter wroom wroom no sit, no sit come on let me show you how to work this oh how sweet tell her thanks for your hospitality I think it's very nice that the first surrogate that we met she was really cool and nice and loving and stuff the other one is shady it's hard to say, but I'm wondering she's hiding more than she's telling and that was recently?

so Doctor Kadam doesn't know I don't think so doesn't know that she's an experimental... so we had a chance to to speak with the surrogate lady she had mentioned she has done some medical trials before is she gonna do this while not even eating wrong or whatever that made me very nervous yeah oh yeah, I see them that's a big one, that's gigantic oh wow how nice they look too oh please I hope hope, hope, hope in natural conception a woman is not aware of the mechanics of the process technology of reproductive treatment makes every step of preconception tangible the eggs take on a personhood the egg retrieval marks a halfway point in the process her lips are very dry I wanna see if I could just or just put some water on her face so I have to stay here for half an hour yeah that's all did they talk to you yeah, yeah what did they say they said that they retrieved seven seven of the big ones come in and sit down please I just got up this morning and Eddie is gone long time ago the world was huge and my parents were superhuman they had the answers I still had to figure out I'm looking forward to the time when I can be a grown up for my child my aim is to create a bond conceived in love we're trying very hard to focus on the love part but hormones surrogates and stress take toll and weave in distance we focus very hard on positive result we have five eggs fertilized out of the seven now let's hope all five progress further Doctor Kadam hi how are you it's so great that you were able to call us back I'm not sure whether husband knows what she wants to do as far as the transfer for them is the transfer going to take place for both of them on Thursday?

oh God don't you worry about a thing it seems like every time you speak to her she gives you that reassurance that it's looking good everything's going as planned you know what a mess today is the day four thank you, all the best all the best of luck when I was little my mother made it clear that I stole her youth she was a frustrated housewife, I turned a sober loner she turned to pills, I toughed it out when I turned 21 I moved away to the U.S.

the time went by I nursed my wound I didn't want to be like her I was afraid to be a mother hello it is with great difficulty I write this email to you but I have just got the results of the blood test and unfortunately it has come negative I haven't yet got the printed report and will mail you the same as soon as I get it however this report is reliable and I'm equally upset... it was a big drop that surrogacy didn't work no matter what you say, you're never ready the bad news made me numb I hear comments as to so and so got pregnant with a drop of a hat for us it was so easy chin up and don't give up it's nothing everyone knew and everybody was disappointed the news was difficult to process but we wouldn't think of giving up another round of surrogacy was arranged at Doctor Kadam's clinic she picked new surrogates so how many embryos did we transfer four oh no, no.

when I'm 65 I'll be just like this we had three surrogacy attempts in India a year of effort, eleven embryos and $18,000 later Doctor Kadam articulated the writing on the wall I was too old but what about all of the success stories I've just turned 40 for sure something can be done we give up on surrogacy as a concept and move forward what we are told and sold isn't working and it makes me restless the world around is buzzing with pregnant women strollers, tabloids it seems that everywhere I turn I see a woman with a bump it is my right by nature to have a child if I wanted and I'm not too old, I'm just getting started there's no way I'm going to give up through Angela, my mother in law's network I get a valuable introduction that leads us into the world of private reproductive practice in New York with her backing we gain access to state of the art facility and ring the buzzer at CHR you don't know how much it is how much is crio we charge $750 for freezing I'm sorry $725 plus $150 storage fee every three months you pay $150 for storage we can't just keep it in the refrigerator it's not gonna work no she's asking what's better to freeze eggs or embryos we always fertilize all eggs and you sign right here you're gonna freeze all embryos which you're gonna have all of the extra ones correct so she doesn't need to fill out this part nothing here alright thank you it's a great relief to be in good hands when it really matters we had that sense with CHR with the help of miracle drugs and cutting edge technologies we hoped to soar above the circumstances always thinking about my comfort are you sleeping I think she could be, let it dry a little bit first so we just go from follicle to follicle look on the monitor you can see the probe going from follicle to follicle I don't know maybe relaxing it here we go beautiful, a little anesthesia always helps okay she's back back in action back in action she is so how many eggs did we do you had 17 17 we all knew that before because we were awake you were asleep so you even got the tiny ones excuse me you got we got a lot, yeah you did a good job making eggs, OK you understand OK I'm gonna let you recover thank you this will be the boring TV part where you're sleeping OK we'll go into commercial we'll talk later when you're awake okay oh, I hope it works man we're almost there it better be, right almost there, everything's looking good Irina yes how old are you I'm 41 I think so how many embryos you want to transfer right now we have a lot of nice looking embryos really?

yeah what grades?

they're like eight cells eight cells grade 4 most of them are like eight cells last time when I was in India I had four cells I mean I had four embryos I only had one six cell six cell were the best ones I could get very good for your age thank you okay we could transfer these, these safe would be five maybe six, but if you transfer six there's a possibility of having more than one take and then you'd have to make a decision about what to do about that so we have to pick a number from between three and six Eddie, okay so we did so well it's unbelievable if you transfer half now freeze half to be transferred in the future you don't know if they'll survive freeze and thaw as well but if you transfer a large number of embryos now you run the risk of having twins, trips even quads not a very big risk because we're 41 so tell me what's your decision well we're gonna go with probably your best judgment Doctor Barad is the best judgment hopefully it'll be at least four the embryos are here at the very tip you can't see them they're microscopic is that all of them or just one everybody's on board that's amazing oh I see that oh wow trying to get to the right spot here okay, that's the spot and I'm gonna oh wow they're just coming out those are little bubbles coming out alongside the embryo and that's the transfer at this point we say go team go we both pray that it works thank you so much how fascinating well, it's more than fascinating it's important look Eddie oh nice I can put that right in my wallet yes do you have any family pictures yeah, hold on, let me get my wallet oh, it's our family I don't know what to buy for them yet the embryos kind of have sticky stuff on the outside like a Velcro ball and they stick to the lining in that way like Velcro okay and then what after they stick now we wait and we let God and nature decide God, there he is again, God I had too many conversations with God already we can't do this without without God?

at least some natural order in there doing their thing, OK?

so everything went smooth, right?

beautiful transfer the days I was carrying the embryos my heart overflowed with joy and worry I'm basking in the glory of a bond I'm hoping it will stay, and I'm afraid it won't I need to have a child to fill a growing void it's like I have a split reality the one I have, and the one I want to live in how you feeling, sweetie I'm so nervous even though I'm like I'm not nervous, but just you didn't check right at home no no, no, no that's for you doll thank you.

I was telling Eddie yesterday I would rather not know for another month I know, right let it go yeah, exactly how many did they transfer four four good ones?

four good ones, right?

yeah what day did they do the transfer three or five day three day three transfer, good and I had any leftover?

yes to freeze yes wow, you did good sorry it's okay almost the last poke and if you're pregnant we have to do in two more days make sure it doubles and after that you get the first OB scan in one week let's see what happens takes over your whole lifestyle gotta be home at a certain time medication I was thinking too, you know listening to my body what's going on there's a lot of changes, but at the same time how do I know because I'm on drugs right, exactly pulled up with all these hormones hope to be back here in two days why are your hands so cold cause you were outside cause it's freezing out it is freezing out, I know second floor take a deep breath I mean whatever happens I don't know what's gonna happen I'm thinking that most likely nothing is gonna happen no the world is gonna happen yeah, right that's right on the other side of that door the world is gonna happen on the other side of this door?

darling!

I'm psyched you're psyched?

OK let's go for it OK so that's some good you know oh, there she is Dorodka!

I have result, guys, but I don't have good result it's negative really?

it is negative, I'm so sorry why, what happened so I just have to give you instruction how to stop all the medication, okay and... how did this happen you have to schedule follow up with the doctor and talk to the doctor Jesus it is negative I'm so sorry it was a very good cycle, but not every time it's successful any questions, guys thank you you're welcome well, no strangers to to bad every time it seems like we're getting closer this is terrible I was like 100% sure it was gonna happen cause everything seemed so right everything seemed so perfect and smooth and oh boy baby, are you crying oh, don't cry don't cry don't cry I wish I could like snap my fingers and freaking give up my body switch with somebody else such crazy pain seeing simple human children in the street crazy ******* pain Leo's like, relax come on puppy I was afraid to think of what will become of us without a child a carefully constructed path to a secure, happy life was crumbling and underneath I saw a huge gap I question everything and find peace in nothing I pray to God for answers and I don't hear a thing I can't share my sorrows with anyone because of overwhelming shame and sadness you're the only one who can decide if you want to keep going down the path that you're going the only thing you're sure of is that you won't succeed if you don't try I had a nagging need to stay in motion and make progress that's how I battled the fatigue if I would stop then I would have to face the circumstances and my emotions what's your phone number you don't know it no, cause I have it on speed dial my name is Ed by the way hi a lot of relationships people meet on a bus, or a train anywhere, yeah why not doctors office what's up so, we've come here in hopes that you can help us I've had two prior surgeries the first one was in 2003 and then I had another surgery in 2006 yes, so I think she was not successful with it and the fibroid was left in and it continued to grow oh, okay well, this makes it sound like everything was very, very, very normal straightforward super straightforward I mean when you read this except I was in the recovery room for 10 days afterwards that's not normal I had blood transfusion that's not normal and I remember that they cut the surgery short and doctor **** was very worried about my condition for the first few days gotcha they suggested surrogacy you did a surrogate cycle?

I did three surrogate cycles so that's now we're at the fifth cycle that you've experienced in your whole life alright let me take a peek come on load something OK, here we go oh, perfect this is loading up you haven't seen this no that's impressive okay, so come over here I'm going back and forth and then we get in this mass here actually probably two masses but it looks like this is kind of blocking the entrance point when they put the catheter in to do the IVF transfer do they reach any resistance?

when I was at Columbia they said that they could not complete the transfer sent me into surgery because they got they kept up coming up they may have been coming up against this fibroid if so, that has to be removed but, Dr.

Barad said he was able to get through here, right he did he probably just skimmed right along he got in right away yeah, I know it's just experience it very well can be it could be though that this fiber is sitting down like this and there's just a little canal I think this is gonna have to come out though good if you remember that op note they said that they got into a blood vessel and it started bleeding a lot and they tied it and made it sound like it was no big deal that would be the area where that big fibroid is so I believe, kind of the way you're saying is that possibly they didn't take that out and it was too hard for them to do it and they said we took out those other ones let's just leave this one behind I don't know, I wasn't there it's really hard to do this when you're not there but here's to my problem I'm telling you, and we can do it on camera I'm not interested in the fertility issue and I know that's bad you're bleeding every month like hell that's a medical situation and I have to make sure I can get that fibroid out of the cervix without damaging the cervix or without compromising that's right where the blood supply comes in for the uterus and I don't wanna end up in a situation that they ended up in you had a myomectomy with 10 days in the hospital with a blood transfusion, did I get it right yeah and you left with a fibroid yeah that's unacceptable I'm just saying that's not good why didn't things work out when you were even using a surrogate?

they say that it has to do with my age group there's like 30% chance that it will succeed on any given cycle we have done it three times in a row and it never worked I don't know, maybe it has to do with climate change I think 30% per cycle is a high expectation because when you look at a 25 year old on a just random cycle there's a 20% chance of getting pregnant so if we go to 40 I can't tell you the exact number but it's not gonna be 30% so I think who sold you the 30% may have been over selling it a little bit really but anyway, that being said it would be malpractice to say don't worry, you know this will be a piece of cake I'm not saying that at all and to be cowboy with people is just unacceptable yeah, I can live with it it's gonna keep on growing slowly but I will never have kids for sure that you take the risk and hopefully you get a chance as the result of it and there is no guarantees and it's a giant risk and as the benefit maybe it will work we keep on trying and everything it's never freaking working out now you're risking to maybe undergo a hysterectomy and all this crazy stuff just to give it one more try yeah, just to give it it's not just to give it one more try because if I don't do it I'm gonna spend the rest of my life thinking what it could have been what are you gonna keep on trying until the end of the day I want to enjoy my life I need some kind of resolution I can't just suddenly out of the blue say OK, I'm done that's not my character I cannot do it like that it's not gonna work for me like that I can't just call it quits in the middle of nowhere I'm not, I just can't see myself just simply giving up I can't it's not easy, totally not easy it's nice that there's nobody in this room we could just kick it, you know sometimes, you know like if we were doing our talk and then there's a couple of crying babies over here and then there was a couple you know, people and stuff I'm afraid to touch you hi sweetie give me more give me more all done, all is well or something like that everything's fine I wanna see that sucker that's, oh wow I mean, does that answer your question or what sure does he was almost ready to back off cause he saw it because the thing was so massive trying to get to it was the problem but he didn't cut anything that was mine no I'm so glad that thing is out like making myself a really nice present step on my foot I started on another cycle, taking shots Eddie and I had a fight about something silly we had exchanged some words then, I came home one day to find a note that he was gone and that the apartment got "a little lighter" so I'm really blessed that Eddie signed the consent form for me I'm very happy this is it this is the... this is the thing right here I'm gonna go bring it to the clinic this Tuesday instead of my husband if only I get pregnant and I have a kid and my husband comes back to me and we could actually start living wouldn't that be great I'm an embryologist nice to meet you very nice to meet you OK, so we thawed three yes all three survived all three survived!

and we are going to transfer all three oh wow oh wow, all three survived we have three embryos to transfer two eight cells and a four cell and they seem to survive freezing very well so we'll see what they can do for you very nice what do we got it's about 16 millimeters embryos for Irina Vodar here you go thank you for making my life easier that's it?

sticking to their mommy, hopefully for good oh, thank you OK thank you good work good luck oh yeah, I just got a text from Eddie he said, if I didn't leave the house yet maybe I could leave a key for him I don't even know where I put my phone that's my hubba it's like no, it's good it's warm, it's secure Alright make it a good one, okay how do you feel I feel good you feel pregnant?

okay better be good when is it gonna be ready do you know?

they're gonna call you in the afternoon after 3:00 PM hi Eddie good, how you're doing yeah, I just I had the blood test, and and would you be able to come and meet me at 3:00 PM at the clinic I didn't understand no?

it's a yeah, I was hoping you would be there for me okay thank you so, what do you think look me in the eye I hope it works it has to everything's looking good?

yeah good results?

I don't know, good results we're gonna find out now good results well let's keep our fingers crossed OK it's all good OK, thank you I went to the Metropolitan they had a show of China in the years of Revolution it's a pretty interesting show this artist who's painting watercolors, like Chinese watercolors but with Industrial Revolution in mind like stacks of chemical plants sending smoke in the skies and that's like you know the bright sign of the future what happened to your hand here battle wound what else you got, open your mouth I saw you walking by me on the corner, did you recognize me there she goes I don't have good news no pregnancy test is negative negative negative you're not pregnant, Irina no, I'm not pregnant so sorry oh God it's negative so you have to stop all the medication except prednisone... everything inside me raged with contempt, grief, madness, and self-pity I was stuck back on the wheel of fortune the pieces of my broken wings pierced through my flesh and there was no one to help me take those out to get free I set ablaze a big chunk of my path of life it wasn't only India and CHR but the whole way how I got here why couldn't I have what everyone else has why couldn't I have a family after the summer passed Eddie and I reconnected and tried adopting but there was this heavy sadness in the air we couldn't grieve together we separated carefully and with minimum damage I floated in the darkness for a while I didn't know who I was or what I wanted I only knew that time existed and had to be taken up by something it feels good to be myself accepting of the circumstances what's done is done I've given it my best as for the rest of it I have found out that life continues and all I can control is how much I grow change enjoy and love Brought to you by World Childless Week Raising awareness and offering support for those who don't achieve the dream of parenthood for speaking engagements, to learn more or connect with filmmaker please visit our official website www.anythingyoulose.com